I thought I would start a new thread
Everything I am learning here is slowly sinking in
The hardest thing I have to do is detach my feelings from the woman that I have loved for the past 25 years I am not finding this easy I do n know if I need to start to hate her I do not know if I need to see her with another man I do not know if I need to see her hating me ....sh must be fairly close to this
I have been out in a couple of meet ups and did not really enjoy myself
She fired me remember this at the time she told me it was not enough housework and not enought time spent with the kids she says I spoke to the children bad and a couple of times I did loose my temper with my son and I did swear at him
Now she feels that I have been emotionally abusive over the course of our marrage and it is This that she is now standing by this and her best female friend that has also seporated after being with her partner for a simila length of time who is standing shoulder to shoulder with her telling her she has to be strong and that she has made the right decision.
For the oast 8 months since BD I have tried to find things to cling onto and try to improve Ghost to be a better husband and no matter what changes I make my w no longer cares she is done caring
She will be selfish
She puts herself first
She is detaching from me day by day
She is improving her business going for interviews
She is making new friends
She makes plans without me
She does not tell me her plans any more
She goes out when she likes and with who she likes
She goes clubbing with her girlfriend comes home at 2.30am
She is saving money to make her new life easier
She is working more and more to be away from the house
THIS is exactly what I need to be doing
The main different I see SHE no longer loves me so it makes the above a dam site easier
I cling to having her in the house with the children in the hope of rebuilding a family unit
We are so far from this point now that I can see no way to do this
So goals for this thread
Gym three times a week
Exercise every day even if it is go for a walk or ride my bike
Join slimming world
Go to at least two meet ups over the next two weeks
Play more tennis
Do more arround the house be a fun loving father to my children
Do my share of the chores
Over the next month I want to loose 12 lbs of weight
Must try harder
My whole life is about me not doing enough so now I must do more
Ghost
I have been out in a couple of meet ups and did not really enjoy myself
One very quick observation. I wonder if jumping into the meetup groups was too big of a leap? I want to do meetups, too, but I'm intimidated - and I think I'm a lot more outgoing than you.
Can you think of a way to do baby steps toward the kind of interactions you'd like to have at meetups? Like maybe starting by being friendly while grocery shopping? Learning how to chit-chat makes big social interactions a little less scary...
Also, maybe you can try a different GAL activity if it's not working for you. You can always revisit, but the purpose is to make you feel better about yourself. If all you're doing is creating anxiety I wonder if you're ready for that step.
Hi Ghost. Great list. On dropping the feelings for W. Not going to happen anytime soon. What you aiming for is detachment so W actions and words don't affect your mood. It's a long process but you will get there. One thing I found that helped was not watching / looking to see what she was upto and getting on with my life. Take the kids bowling or walking or to visit something locally Keep busy with things for you
It a process and stick to it and you'll move through the process quicker
Take care. Rd
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2647719&page=11Old thread ^^^
My W and,I,spoke today she told me she was unhappy living the way we are and thinks it is affecting the children she wants us to go to mediation she knows how much I do not want to be on my own massive fear for me I still do not know how I will cope I get distraught at the thought and break down thinking about it .
I say we can get someone in to values the house she says it is not ready to sell we have had a leak and the ceiling is damaged so I say we have too much clutter and I start to chuck unused things into a bin bag my W flips out as I am chucking other people's things that really are just clutter
Things flared up and I have not ever seen my W so angry ever....she was furious she went to leave the house with my two year old I had no idea here she was planning on going W was crying I was crying this got our daughter crying my W said you are upsetting her I tried stopping her from going she yelled aggressively at me don't you dare do that don't you dare ....she went in to another room crying toddler crying her blaming me it was a horrible situation and one with anger that I have never seen from her we spent the next couple of hrs talking
She sees the only way forward is to be in separate houses and has no intention on working on things
I really am a very long way from accepting things are over and I am a very long way away from being able to cope when my W wants to go into separate houses
I know I am going over much of the same it was just how mad she was that totally took me by surprise
Time to re read Sandis rules and detach some more
AT peace
Sorry for the sitch as you inhouse separation has to be tough! I am in the same sitch with papers already served and she wants me out out out of the house
Feels its hurting the our D but reality is that it has nothing to do with duaghter but all to do with her wanting out and space
I think being in the same house makes it tough on both of you but every sitch is different. She wants to be in a separate house not your kids.....only thing effecting your kids is when you have a bad situation like you pointed out
I don't know the laws were you live but sometimes if you are the one out, its not a good thing. I hope you can figure out how to have the space you need
Sorry that happened ghost but take it as a lesson Talking does not help , I e been there and it seems like maybe your going to get the info you need or make a break through but you don't and won't
Please don't try to stop her leaving and unless you teally feel there is a danger to your child then let her be
Don't argue over the house get on with the repairs and maybe this will concentrate your mind
Take care. Rd
I can't really blame your W for getting angry, Ghost. You were acting like a crazy man. I mean, she's trying to leave and you are wrapping yourself around and crying, trying to stop her from going? Get it together before she starts claiming you are a danger to her and the kids.
I say we can get someone in to values the house she says it is not ready to sell we have had a leak and the ceiling is damaged so I say we have too much clutter and I start to chuck unused things into a bin bag my W flips out as I am chucking other people's things that really are just clutter
I am picturing this in my head and I see her trying to have a serious conversation with you about the house and you basically saying... fine if we you want to sell the house then all this sh1t needs to go. Seems like you did that out of anger or frustration. I can see why she got angry. Why do you think she was angry? Did it really take you by surprise?
Hey G. I'm just playing catch up.
Time to leave the house G. The line was crossed today my friend.
W felt threatened, under pressure, angry AND she was holding YOUR BABY.
This is the behaviour W experiences as a abusive and controlling. And G I would feel the same.
Pack some things and go and stay with your mum like you were talking about with V.
Things need to decompress. W needs you to behave like a man that respects himself, and loves his W and children. Let her feel like you have finally heard and listened to her.
No more of these types of incidents G. ENOUGH. I know managing your emotions is extremely difficult right now, I am coming to realise that your emotions have been switched off for years and this threat to your marriage, has triggered you to having to feel. You go from 0-100 on the emotional scale in no time. But G, sh*t man. The above can't happen again.
You can organise to get the house fixed away from the home. When is your next IC session?
G, Rule of thumb for now, when you want to take an action, STOP! Just don't do anything. Then run the issue and your feelings by us here, we have yours and your family's best interest at heart I tell ya! And then go back in with a plan.
I'll keep checking in G.
Hang in there buddy. Pack that bag!
Jelly xxx
at this point it may be best to just get some kind of agreement in place where if someone leaves it is not adbandoment and you get yourself out of there, I think this may get bad staying there in your emotional state.
I hear what you are saying
My W has booked in work for the next 4 weeks working nights she is off till Monday then working till Sunday I would need to be here to look after the children then she drops to a three night a week job
I do not know the legality of me moving to my parents if I go then she might suggest that I go for good I would be happy to go for a few weeks to give some space but would want to come back
Ghost, I'm sorry to read about your convo with your W. I think it's an example of her trying to move things in 'her' direction and you resisting and trying to move them in 'your' direction - and then you lost control of your emotions and started acting out and she then got angry....can you see the pattern?
From where I'm sitting, I'm guessing you guys may separate and I don't think that's a bad thing. I think you need to be in a really strong place to handle in-house separation and in truth, you have some work to do on yourself before you guys even have a chance here.
The big thing for you to work on is your own fear of how you will cope alone (with help from your IC) - because this is what may happen with your life and you need to get yourself to a place where you can handle that and be okay. We all know it isn't what you want - but it may happen - and we all want you to live the best life you can, given all circumstances.
I think the best thing to do now would be engage, in a constructive way, with what your W wants - arrange to get the leak fixed and the house closer to listing..
JMHO - and keep posting my friend. You are never alone, as we are all here for you xx
Hi sotto
Thank you for checking in on my sitch.
I struggle so much with the thought of being alone and not having her with me
For the past 25 years she has always been with me and I am [censored] scared on her not being around
I will speak to my IC about how I frame my mind to being on my own even the thought of me moving to my mums fills me with fear it is just one step closer to divorce and us being apart
I really struggle with this being alone I will try to do more things in my own and see if I can work out what I need to do to deal with this
Thank you
Ghost
Yes, I think managing and coping with the fear is the no 1. Priority. The fact is S may happen....and my guess is if it does, the reality will be FAR less bad than the fear...
But I think you need to address the fear anyway. Staying together out of fear for the alternative isn't a good plan anyway...
When is your next IC appt? X
G - My heart is breaking for you. You fear being alone, you're terrified of losing your marriage...you're not seeing what is right in front of you.
Your M is gone, poof! It's over. The old one is finished. Please sit with this thought for a good long time. You are completely alone. You're living in a house with other people. That's all you're doing at the moment.
There is a possibility you can build a new M. That new one will never, ever be built from the position you are in now. You're coming across like a crazed, desperate man. That's probably exactly how you feel, but think about this: What woman in her right mind is going to want to be with a man like that?
You're getting great advice, and you are resisting it until the bitter end. You are making the situation WORSE. Your family is being torn to shreds, and the person most at fault is you. Of course, you don't mean to do it. It's happening anyways because you're desperately hanging on to something that isn't there.
Leave. Let your W figure out child-care. Get a hotel for a week or two, and have her drop the kids off to you. Stop making everything so very easy for her. You need to get out for your own peace of mind. I think some space would do wonders for you.
Rid yourself of the fear of D. It's already happened, on an emotional level for your W. Your M is dead in the water, G. You're not working on anything - there's nothing to work on. You're treading water in some of the foulest, tainted water to be found on this earth. You will never be a healthy man staying in that cesspool.
I'm speaking plainly, G - not because I don't care, but because I do. I've tried being gentle, and it didn't quite get through. Please, please listen. You need to get out and clear your head. What is the worst thing that can happen if you take a short break? Face it, make plans if the worst comes to past, and then pack a bag.
Your behavior, especially in front of the child, scares me. That is abusive...to the child! Get a hotel, face your fears, see your IC, and start making some decisions. Please accept your old M is gone. IT'S OVER.
Whether you can build a new one or not is completely up to you, and whether you listen to what you're being told. You, YOU, need some space and a quiet place to think. The worst thing that can happen is not that you wind up getting D. The worst thing will be if you lose your children forever. Keep antagonizing your W, and you are facing some harsh consequences. She can turn them against you, so they never want to see you again. You're not giving her much of a person to like.
I don't know what else to say, G. It's time. You need to separate.
Ok so spoken to my mum she is not happy about me moving home she feels that I need to stay in the house to protect my interest in the property
I will speak to a solicitor Monday or Tuesday my mum would rather me stay in the house but go pretty much no contact
Also on a side note I took my children to my mums tonight for them to see her my W was complaining to me because it is my little girls bedtime at 7.30 and we were not leaving till 6:45pm it is not like our daughter has never been later to bed ...in fact frequently when we went to my mums we would often get home after 9.30pm
What is it going to be like when we are living in separate houses will my W still want to tell me what I do and do not do and if I upset her will she try and stop me from having Her?
I am Feeling totally despondent and,resigned,to what is happening absolutely
After your actions with trying to stop her leaving, I am concerned that the longer you put off getting out of there, it is something very bad waiting to happen.
Look, you don't have to move in with your mother. Just go stay with her.
Does your mother have any idea what mind of emotional/mental shape you are in right now? Does she know the extent of fear in being alone? Did she abandon you when you were a baby? Have you ever talked to her about your fear?
Now let me ask you if your W knows how afraid you are?
Hi Ghost. Listen buddy, you are nearing rock bottom and maybe reality is starting to set in This might be a good thing. Sometimes we need the slap in the face to see what's In front of you.
This M was over the day of W telling you That doesn't mean a new R isn't possible ime a but it does mean the old M is done. Yesterday could have gone very badly for you and I hope it was a wake up call
Your mom is on the money with the L and this is a top priority and comes before all else Also Mom is right about NC , treat W like a neighbour and you have no R talks until L visit is over , nothing , not even if W begs.
Ghost , I feel W is scared and stressed and those aren't a great mix.
Take a step back and do nothing that could be seen as antagonistic.
Take care. Rd
After your actions with trying to stop her leaving, I am concerned that the longer you put off getting out of there, it is something very bad waiting to happen.
Look, you don't have to move in with your mother. Just go stay with her.
Does your mother have any idea what mind of emotional/mental shape you are in right now? Does she know the extent of fear in being alone? Did she abandon you when you were a baby? Have you ever talked to her about your fear?I do not believe that she abandoned me when I was a child I have not asked her ...she knows how afraid I am being alone
Now let me ask you if your W knows how afraid you are? I do not think she knows I have not told her
Your mum is talking sense here.
You do need an L as well as an IC.
Hugs
V
I know it has been said many times about you talking to a lawyer, I just can't remember if you actually have talked to one about what to do to protect yourself. Again, I want to suggest that you not look at staying with your folks as moving out of your home at the moment. Don't pack up all your belongings and move to their place. However, you could tell your W that you think you will spend some time with them, in order to have some space.
Look, I don't know the law where you live. Neither am I a lawyer. That is why I tell you to get legal advice where you live. I am just looking at the picture from your own writings. I see a man in serious turmoil, where one wrong move could escalate to tragedy. That is why I am pleading with you to go spend some time staying with your parents. You need some space from the tension and problems. Give yourself and your W some breathing room. Would this not be okay to do for a while?
Hi sandi2
I have got two IC sessions booked for next week and also I have a telephone counselling session where I want to talk about other forms of counselling that might be available to me I chatted with my best friend this morning whilst walking around a park for two hrs and it was really helpful for me to talk to him
I also met up with another friend that has been through divorce and has since re married and he spent about 1 HR talking about how things can get better
I have started the ball rolling with mediation and they should be in touch with me next week with an appointment
Not sure what will happen there I will listen a lot and I will hear what she has to say
I could go to my mums I just do not know how this will make me happy
Will msg again later
Meeting up with the same friend from this morning for a meal
Thank you sandi for checking in on me
Hugs
Ghost
Ghost, going to your mum's will not make you happy, but you are not happy anyway, and your happiness is not exactly the goal right now. You need to diffuse the situation and make sure your 2 year old is not caught up in her parents' emotional outbursts. I wish you well, glad you have some friends to talk to.
Okay, good to hear you are pursuing more counseling.
I could go to my mums I just do not know how this will make me happy
Are you really listening? At the moment it is not about something making you happy! It is about keeping you out of a possible volatile situation. It is about putting space between you and the W. It is about protecting yourself, Ghost. What do you think I've been saying? I know that I have repeated that staying at your mom's is not the same as moving in with her.
Btw, just curious why you refer to it as being your mom's home? You rarely refer to it as your parents' home.
My father passed away a year and a half ago so I refer this as my mums house now.
So Sandi do you think I should stay at my mums for a few days or few weeks or from now onwards ....till we sell the house how do I decide what is right.
Many thanks
Ghost
Ghost
Everyone has told you the same thing. Meet with the lawyer. Make sure you are not going to be held accountable for leaving children. Go stay at mothers for a while. Yes fine a few weeks. Don't take stuff. You are not moving there. You are going to stay there. Make up a story if needed. Say she needs some help with things.
You are going to make a bad situation happen staying at home.
IMO, I would not try to give any set amount of time to stay with your mother. The point is not so much about how long you stay, as it about why you stay. However, I think you should go with the intentions of it making a sizable difference in your erratic around your family. And personally, I think that would take more than just a handful of days.
As to what to say to your W about staying with your mum, I think you could just tell her that you need some space. Don't say much more than that, and when she ask how long.....you don't know at the moment. I can't see her objecting, b/c she wants you to leave.
Again, I am pleased you have uped the counseling. I did not see that you had made an appointment with a lawyer, yet. If you have discussed this with one in the past, I have forgotten.......which is very possible, b/c I had forgotten about your father being deceased. Logical explanation of why you would refer to the home as your mum's, huh?
I would like to offer a slightly different voice.
In light of the FOO returning to mums permanently might there be difficulty and triggering?
I like that this is referred to as mums house, it reclaims the space for the family and especially for AP.
I like Sandi idea of a few days away with mum, a taster of being on your own but not on your own.
Please seek L support, this is vital in the UK.
Hugs
V
Hi I do see that my actions the other day were completely out of order and my wife must have been scared which led to her anger I have not been seeing things clearly
I have taken some legal advice a couple of months ago but this was just a couple of free taster sessions
I do not want to make my sitch worse so before I offer to give my W some space I will seek some legal advice.
My W and I are still talking eating together watching TV together and generally getting along ....do I speak to my W with a heartfelt apology over how I behaved and how I made her feel I want to reassure her that I am never going to put her in that position again and that I was behaving out of character as I was.
I was not violent towards her I was not agressive with my behaviour I did not raise my voice, I did partially block her way from leaving with my daughter and I lightly touched her arm and used the words please can we talk about this. There was no threading behaviour or aggressive behaviour towards her however I,do see how my actions did make her feel scared
This all developed from me getting upset and trashing junk / unimportant things which she saw as important
For now I will very much keep myself to myself and let her do all the approaching if she wants to interact with me
Thank you and I will seek legal advice
Ghost
Not only were my actions out of order they were out of character
Been to the gym this morning had a good workout session
Going to give my W as much space as I can I will let her be the one to initiate any communication and interactions.
I hate this position just have to accept it along with everyone else
As soon as she started adding emotional abuse into the equation I do not have any hope...when she told me she wanted out because I was not doing enough with the children all around the house this was quite easy to fix but how do I fix a mindset where she feels that I have been emotionally abusive and perhaps I have been more so than I ever realised.
I need to keep reading the rules and try and follow them thank you
when she told me she wanted out because I was not doing enough with the children all around the house this was quite easy to fix but how do I fix a mindset where she feels that I have been emotionally abusive and perhaps I have been more so than I ever realised.
First of all, it is very hard for me to believe a woman would break up her family and end a M of this many years, based on the grounds her H did not do enough around the house. And, if she was so concerned about her children not having enough time with their father........what good will pulling the family apart be for them? It makes no sense. I still think it is something else that is her true motive.
Second of all, you are right, you cannot fix how she thinks. If you try to correct one thing, she'll find something else to add to her list of complaints. You were knocking yourself out doing all the housework while she did nothing (according to what you wrote) and you were spending every free moment with the kids. What did she do? Tell you it stillwas not enough, plus she found something else to throw onto her list. And now, she's decided to add emotional abuse.
This is why you need space from her.
Hi sandi
What I was saying was that she first told me that it was because I was not spending enough time with her our children however I now realise that what it comes down to was that she was feeling taken for granted she was not feeling treated as an equal
I did not take the initiative when it came to cooking meals and making decisions and I let her down by putting my hobbies and my work in front of her yes I did not spend time with her of an evening sometimes and yes I did not do enough for the children she was saying that I also spoke to the children very poorly and this happened on a couple of occasions she would add to this that I pressurised her into making love and that I would not take no for an answer I just wanted to be close to my wife and yes I did take her for granted.
She also says that she has done most things as self throughout our marriage so where is I have been at work she has been at home with the children sometimes on her own with the children or going out meeting friends or watching television or going on the Internet but nonetheless she was on her own while I was at work when I came home she would say that I did not do enough with the children and perhaps I should definitely more.
So she felt lonely she felt taken for granted disillusioned by the fact that her husband wasn't treating her well and this is why she made the decision to end the marriage.
She has not barged her stance in eight months and I cannot see her changing her point of view and as hard as it is for me to except it is over this is what I have to do
she is now also adding the emotional abuse into the situation because I have no answer to that and she knows there is no answer.
I know my wife she is very strong willed and she rarely changes her mind if ever which is why I always found it difficult to divorce past knowing that I was letting her go in the hope of getting a back
As sad as it may seem I want to coparent in the same house and right now this is what I would long for
What I was saying was that she first told me that it was because I was not spending enough time with her our children however I now realise that what it comes down to was that she was feeling taken for granted she was not feeling treated as an equal
But that's not what you said. You know how I been telling you that you need to stop repeating this old stuff? Well, this is an example.
I did not take the initiative when it came to cooking meals and making decisions and I let her down by putting my hobbies and my work in front of her yes I did not spend time with her of an evening sometimes and yes I did not do enough for the children she was saying that I also spoke to the children very poorly and this happened on a couple of occasions she would add to this that I pressurised her into making love and that I would not take no for an answer I just wanted to be close to my wife and yes I did take her for granted.
She also says that she has done most things as self throughout our marriage so where is I have been at work she has been at home with the children sometimes on her own with the children or going out meeting friends or watching television or going on the Internet but nonetheless she was on her own while I was at work when I came home she would say that I did not do enough with the children and perhaps I should definitely more.
So she felt lonely she felt taken for granted disillusioned by the fact that her husband wasn't treating her well and this is why she made the decision to end the marriage.
What is your point for repeating all of the above?
As sad as it may seem I want to coparent in the same house and right now this is what I would long for
Is this your way of saying you are not going to stay at your mum's?
No I will go to my mums I just need to be very clear legally where I stand
We we planning to see someone very soon re mediation and I think I will hold off until after this appointment things are calm in the ghost house
It is convenient for us both moving here at the moment as my wife is working quite a bit
So ss long as we can keep out of each other's way then things will be fine I am sure
'The Journey from Abandonment to Healing' Susan Anderson
I found this book in one of the newcomer threads and I think you should get it. Its basically written by a woman who has worked with LBS's for years. She was even one herself after a 20 year relationship. I've only read part of the first 2 of 5 stages and Ill say its shockingly accurate to how I've been feeling this entire year. Ghost, these issues do need to be worked out in IC but I really feel this book will help you, and others here, also.
It gives a legitimate explanation for whats happening in our brains after BD and techniques for healing through each stage.
Fogg I will take a look
Mediation letter arrived today so I guess will be in the next week or two
I really am not sure what I want other than to get back with my W and she wants none of that.
I do not want to discuss only having the kids only three days a week and I do not feel ready to discuss selling house and divorcing being on my own
She will steer the ship if I do not and I will be just a passenger
This is not a vessel I can stop and one way or another she is going to get what she wants
I really am not sure what I want other than to get back with my W and she wants none of that.
You have had plenty of time to think about what you want, other than your W. Even now you won't venture into that realm of just thinking about what you want, and say your W will get whatever she wants. Yes, with that kind of attitude, she sure will.
What days this week will you be seeing your IC?
Fogg I will take a look
Mediation letter arrived today so I guess will be in the next week or two
I really am not sure what I want other than to get back with my W and she wants none of that.
I do not want to discuss only having the kids only three days a week and I do not feel ready to discuss selling house and divorcing being on my own
She will steer the ship if I do not and I will be just a passenger
This is not a vessel I can stop and one way or another she is going to get what she wants
Hey G,
This up here ^^^^^^^^ is why your W is taking the next step to mediation. Your insistence on taking no action means she has feels she has to.
That up there is the same behaviour of you walking in from work and spending the evening on your computer and not participating. This behaviour absolutely confirms to wife everything that she believes.
Your wife keeps gifting you opportunities to show her the man and father you can be. Do you see that G?
If you want to be the captain of your family's ship G, you gotta step up and take the wheel and take charge.
Sandi asked an excellent question. When is your next IC. Figure out what you want and go for it. You"re still in this if you want to be G.
I'm here hoping you are gonna grab yourself by the **** and show her what you got. If not now, when?
Watching and waiting.
Jellyxxx
Fogg I will take a look
Mediation letter arrived today so I guess will be in the next week or two
I really am not sure what I want other than to get back with my W and she wants none of that.
I do not want to discuss only having the kids only three days a week and I do not feel ready to discuss selling house and divorcing being on my own
She will steer the ship if I do not and I will be just a passenger
This is not a vessel I can stop and one way or another she is going to get what she wants
Hey G,
This up here ^^^^^^^^ is why your W is taking the next step to mediation. Your insistence on taking no action means she has feels she has to. ......
why do I not understand this why do I not see this so should I be the one pushing for mediation driving things forward
That up there is the same behaviour of you walking in from work and spending the evening on your computer and not participating. This behaviour absolutely confirms to wife everything that she believes.
Your wife keeps gifting you opportunities to show her the man and father you can be. Do you see that G?
Jelly I am either dumb or stupid I must be or I am just not seeing things at all clearly ...your W is gifting you opportunities to show her the man and father you can be....
If you want to be the captain of your family's ship G, you gotta step up and take the wheel and take charge.
Take charge ..yes I want to be the captain so I have to be the one to decide it is over and that I am going to move forwards is this what you mean jelly ????Sandi asked an excellent question. When is your next IC. Figure out what you want and go for it. You"re still in this if you want to be G.
I am seeing her on Friday I will talk about how I detach and move on with my life and get over her
I'm here hoping you are gonna grab yourself by the **** and show her what you got. If not now, when?
Jelly ...Ok am I reading here that I should not put up with this [censored] any longer and I should be the the one to show her that [censored] it I am selling I am going to move things forwards with or without her in my life is the what I need to be doing or have I got this so very wrong ...all I think about is what about the kids why break up their living arrangements and if I push for separate homes lives then this lands on my shoulders I will have to look them in the eye and tell them I made the decision to break the family up......or do I look them in the eye and tell them that I did this for them and that hopefully one day they will understand why I did it and I did it for the good of the family Watching and waiting.
Jellyxxx
Hi ATP, I still don't think you're getting this. For me, it isn't a case of you pushing things towards a D, or truly moving on. Those things would be closing the door on possible future R, and I don't believe that is what you want.
I think the shift that needs to happen is one of accepting where things are just now and working with the reality of the situation. And making the best of that situation - even though it was unasked for. I think it is about letting go of the fear of losing your M, and the fear of living alone. It is about thinking - this is where I am now - it's not where I wanted to be, but everything happens for a reason and I need to move forward as best I can.
I think it is about respecting your W's decision and understanding 'it takes two' to make a R and she is 'out' just now. I think if you can truly accept your W's choice, you will lose the reactiveness and that is important. Do you notice that when she tells you something you don't like, you start stuffing a bin bag full of stuff?
None of the above means that you close the door on a possible R - but it does mean looking at your life and working out how to rebuild it in the event that you do S. For me, that means engaging in (not resisting) the mediation process and taking any steps needed to get yourself and the kids into a comfortable and secure situation. It means acting from an 'adult' (logical, reasonable, aware) and not a 'child' (fearful, needy, reactive) place.
I hope this helps a little & take care
Thank you I think it is also acceptance and accepting what is going to happen
She will get her way If this is what she wants to happen it will happen
But ATP, you don't actually know what she wants. Stop mind reading.
And no; what someone says is not always what they mean. This is why you need to not focus on her and what she wants. Focus on you.
You also don't know what is going to happen...you can't see the future. So you don't have to accept it. You can accept that you have no control over the future or your wife, but that acceptance does not change your path. Focus on you and the things you can change, the rest will just happen...maybe in surprising ways.
Hey ATP,
I am here with you, W is pushing more now for the S to move forward and I had to go to he next step and see a Lawyer. It was something I was putting off. I was avoiding as I was telling myself I was not ready. I also had to deal with the thoughts of what could be next and I am currently thinking about where I am going to live, what I want as far as looking after the kids ect. This is something that I was avoiding thinking about. But I had to go there, it was time. I think you are there too, Its time to think about these topics but in a way that you think about solving a problem. Not the sad part of it.
you can do it.
Hi Ghost. Been reading and not sure you want to " get it " Jelly offered great advice but your not seeing it. Let go of the hurt and the injustice of your Ws actions for a minute Your W no longer wants to be married , that's how she is feeling right now
Ghost however does want to be married and that's how he's feeling right now , ghost has wise DB vets ( and the rest of us ) telling him he must accept this but at the moment Ghost can't , now put yourself in Ws shoes , she doesn't want to be married and the only person who is telling / showing her she's wrong is you.
If you can't accept what lots of well meaning people are telling you then why would W be any different ? She's made up her mind ., she's not going to change it easily if ever W took years to get to this point and whatever her reasons are ( real or imagined ) she made her choice.
JellyB is telling you to stand strong , show W that your life will go on and you will be ok Trust me Ghost W knows she can snap her fingers and you will come running That's why you show her that you will deal with this and not in a I don't care manner but in a respectful neighbourly manner If W wants meditation then go to mediation and listen , put your thoughts toward and see what happens
There is no step by step guide but acceptance is key here. You see the fake it until you make line a lot and it's true.
My W calls me daily and texts , sometimes I would love to reach out to her and help and I will sometimes help but to a point and if I offer and it's declined then I will never push it because before BD I would have. My point is it's not easy and if it becomes easy then you are truly detached To my W and all our friends and family I'm detached , I treat well like a good neighbour and will offer support and advice when asked but never step over the neighbour line and let W get on with her life
It's tough for us all G but we have to accept the reality of their choices. WAS don't change their minds quickly if ever and that's the reality
Become a man only a fool would leave , become the best dad that's humanly possible and choose to live a life for you The gift your W is giving you is time, time for G to be G You will look back at this time and you want to look back and say you became better for this experience whatever happens with you and W
At the moment you are lost so pick a path , IMHO you need to be out of the house because being there is not making your sitch any better and actually making it worse.
Let go of W , it's heartbreaking but what choice do you have ? She's done and bolting for the door , imagine how she views a man that's trying to stop her ?
Now imagine she sees a man who is intent on being there for the kids and a man who is dealing with this cr@p in a strong , mature way , standing up for himself in a respectful way
Which guy would you prefer to be ? G if W changed her mind in the morning and you took her back the fear of this happening again would be worse than now Get to a place where G is confident with himself whatever happens in an R will be able to be dealt with
This is very easy for me to post and I fully appreciate that but choose to start the journey and that's a huge step. The future is unknown and there are plenty of success stories on here but a lot of them happen when the LBS lets go G needs to let go
Positive thoughts heading your way G Rd
Hi RD thank you for your post
Jelly is right and so many of you have been I have not seen it for the mist that is all arround me
I have to think of my children and this is not healthy for them
I have spoken to my W and I have sent her the email that I received regarding attending the mediation . I have no idea where it will take us
Time to decide what I want out of all this
I have been happy to go along with her decision howeve I want to have my hands on the wheel of this ship I want to take y turn in steering this I a not just here for the ride
So my wife is proposing that we share the child care fifty fifty I am not sure if my eldest daughter will want to live with me at all or not this we will have to see
My W is proposing that I have the kids from
Friday night
Saturday daytime
Saturday night
Sunday daytime
Sunday evening then she wil collect or I will drop home Sunday night
Then the next week I get them for an addition day if I can
So she gets to have the kids in the days that they have school and I get them every weekend
Anyone else have ts arrangement and how does this work for you
Thank you
Ghost
I don't like the child arrangement. Personally.
She is looking to have you take the days when she wants to go out in the weekends.
I have a rotating schedule where we end up alternating and the following week we each have them opposite of the week before. I can post if need be. It may seem confusing but it is fair to both of us. I have also heard some people go week in week off
You can steer this ship and do it together. Why do refer as when she gets them as you dropping them at home?
Ghost, she gets them while they are in school, and you have them every weekend? What do you see in that picture?
G,
what do you want my friend? What arrangement would suit you and make you feel like and an involved father. What arrangement would make you feel like you were the best dad you could be.
And most importantly what is in your children's best interest? What works and in the best interest of your 17 year old isn't necessarily going to work or be in the best interest of your very gorgeous 2 year old.
All this is up for negiotation and mediation G. As Otw said you get to steer this ship.
Run your dream arrangement past us. We may be able to wiggle a little magic wand over it and support you to make it happen! No guarantees but we will certainly do our best.
Jellyxxx
Ghost, she gets them while they are in school, and you have them every weekend? What do you see in that picture?
At the moment she is taking on a night job working Friday night Saturday's night and Sunday night
I am not totally happy having the kids every weekend she could change her job and get a job working days when the kids are at school and this would then give her every weekend free. I do not get to tell her how she lives her life
She has chosen the weekend job so that she can then be arround for the kids Monday to Friday during the school holidays this would be a difficult time for me to cover I as I would still need to work and so would she
I just feel this is going to get extremely messy
Thank you ghost
I really do not know what my ideal arrangements would be I really do not know
My son does his activity Monday Wednesday and Friday from 5 to 8pm
I do not want to miss the children during the day time so seeing them at the weekend is a good thing as I get to play with them but it does not give me much free time if I have them all day and night at the weekend
Lay 17 year old. Daughter is a lady and she will do what she wants she works weekends
My other son does his activity on a Saturday and Sunday
If I choose to have them during the school days then I would rarely get to see them and it would be harder to built a bond if they are out all the time
I bloody hate this I have to give this more thoughts I do not know if there is an ideal for me
Ghost
[quote=otw
You can steer this ship and do it together. Why do refer as when she gets them as you dropping them at home? [/quote]
I guess I am thinking that the children will have two homes I would not refer. To it as my Ex W house and my house
Pthe children need a home and they are going to have to have two homes
Will this even work
Ghost
Hi Ghost , there won't be an ideal but you also don't have to accept what W wants which seems to me to be very unreasonable Again , your choice on how you proceed but wouldn't it be better for a week with you and then a week with her
This is a chance for you to act in your interest as well as your kids. You need weekends free as well because you will have a life and need your time
Think this thorough , I'm sure there a websites that deal with custody and got to be worth having a look
Take care. Rd
There have been several on the board who have talked about their scheduled time with their children. Most of them alternate weekends, holidays, etc., to be fair to both parents.
You are entering this with the idea your W will get whatever she wants. Yes, if you don't speak up for yourself she will have everything the way she wants it. You do not have to accept what she says. Stand up for yourself.
All I have seen is what your W says. What does Ghost say?
Hey G,
I think most people here agree that you should have the weekends or at least alternate weekends to yourself.
Sometimes in these cases it is good to change something in a contract, agreement or what have you, just to chuck in your 2 cents worth and leave a mark. A way of letting the other person know you agree but they dont have full control.
Your W wants to leave you and live on her own or maybe with someone else, does not matter. You have your life to live, alone or with someone else too. If either one has objectophilia you may even start a relationship with the toaster who cares.
The point is she can no longer demand you adjust your life to suit hers. As we say here, she has to accept the ripe with the rotten. If you tomorrow start a relationship with someone who wants some alone time with you are you going to shut that door because your STBX wants to work nights and during the weekend?
Secondly, I do not know what your STBX does for a living but I really never met someone who volunteers to work weekend nights and I know a few people with nigh shifts. It seems puzzling that. Does she work during the day the rest of the week?
You mention you do not get to tell her how to live her life but she is indirectly telling you how to live yours but forcing you to adjust your schedule and wishes around hers. By saying that word you hate using "NO" you can stop her from running your life without telling her how to run hers.
It is boundary setting. You stop her from affecting your life.
Understand?
Of course any time you disagree with what the STBX wants they will get p1ssed off, its part of the game. After a few arguments and they see you wont back down they will stop. Give in and you will forever be the doormat.
A word of advice ... women dont like doormats and children grow resentful of weak parents. If one partner loses respect for the other, s/he is only showing the way for the children to follow and invalidate the weak parent.
Regarding your daughter it is her choice. You have to detach from your daughter as well. Carry on being as good a father as you can to her but she has to make the first move.
I scr3wed up as a dad, I apologized to my son, told him I can never make it up to him but would like a second chance. I worked on it and today he tells me whats is happening in his life and pesters to take him go karting. He is 23 but I never stopped being the authorative figure. I still reprimanded anything I saw was wrong and we did have fallouts because with these actions the child always thinks the parent is unfair no matter what until they come around.
I knew what education I wanted for my son and what kind of a man I wanted him to be. The message never changed. Only the messenger.
When sh1t hits the fan everyone brings out their claws. Its at times like these that you need character G.
I have said this over and over and over and over. I have seen other members say this also in other words. The message however seems to get lost somewhere.
I see new posters making the same mistakes we ignorantly made at the beginning which is understable. The problem however is that they continue treating the WAS/WS in the same way. They ask some of the daftest questions imaginable, not because they are stupid but because they are lost, unsure, insecure and question everything.
Here is where we beat the pain out of our system with violent acts of integrity and respect. Respect for ourselves. How can we ask if it is ok to hug or cuddle our WS if we then say we are upset because they are texting OP? Why do we leave the MBR when it is our WS that has created the situation?
I have told you many times as have others here to be strong and defiant and protect yourself. You messed up being the man you were during your marriage. You are not getting anywhere being the man she says you weren't during your marriage. What kind of man is there left for you to be? What kind of man do you want to be G?
Sandi once said something along the lines of how important it is how you interact with your spouse.
She could never have said a better truth.
How you interact with your S determines your chance at success whatever your goal. I love my W and I like to think things are improving. Things have changed and we do more stuff together and looking back 1 year ago there are positive steps. The problem is the marriage I want now has nothing to do with the one I was living until recently. I now understand that quote about the old M being dead and working on a new R. It is true.
It seems she is also wanting a change so that seems cool. I do not know how it will end but I have had to change my chip and stand strong on certain issues. I have made mistakes along the way. I am not perfect but I realized that doing the opposite of what I did in the past works.
As for some of your earlier posts, when you scr3w up dont go back asking for forgiveness. Especially if it is recurring or similar incidents. One big NO NO ... DO NOT TOUCH HER. EVER. You are not in that position yet.
I realized in my situation that I needed to appreciate my W as a woman and no longer as my W. She needed to look at me as a man and not her H. Seems weird saying this but at this stage we both sucked at that job. I looked at it like reinventing myself. She had to disassociate me from the guy she was unhappily married to. I had to do the same. We needed the passion and spark to re ignite but needed some work before getting there.
Carrying on being the same H and W was not the key.
You have to stop thinking of yourself as G and as her H. You have to quit thinking that just because you shared a day in the same house without an argument you are getting along. You have to remember that while she is in the house with you she is plotting her exit strategy. You are not her H anymore. Just a sad reminder of a life that once was.
You go to the gym, question going out with friends, spend time with your kids and that seems to go nicely. However when it comes to interacting with her everything goes up sh1t creek. All those things you are doing on your own are not getting you any nearer.
You must let her be, start looking at yourself and stop thinking with the words I have to ... I will try ... and start using the ones I have ... I did ....
Just a few notes G.
Hope to have been of help or made sense.
Max
So you are supposed to have no life besides work and kids. Steer the ship. Not your job to worry about her schedule. You can arrange child care during your time.
My W said she was going to care for the kids while I was at work. I quickly said no, on my days they are my responsibility and vice Versace on hers.
[quote=rd500]Hi Ghost , there won't be an ideal but you also don't have to accept what W wants which seems to me to be very unreasonable Again , your choice on how you proceed but wouldn't it be better for a week with you and then a week with her
This is a chance for you to act in your interest as well as your kids. You need weekends free as well because you will have a life and need your time
Think this thorough , I'm sure there a websites that deal with custody and got to be worth having a look
Take care. Rd [/quote
RD
I have to work three or four days a week and my W Will need to do the same
I have never not worked
Have to think about days and times I want to work
Thank you for all your help I am spinning less trying to accept it ..I have no choice
Thanks
Ghost
Sorry max just read your post on using the word try !!!!!!
Will keep off that word
Thanks bud
Ghost
AP
How will this impact on your business?
V
It will impact my business a little right now I work Monday to Friday 10-4
Saturdays from 8-1 I try not to work a Sunday
I get to see my children when I want to I see them every day and I know this will stop.
so what is important for me Seeing my children every day and I have been doing Amlot of the caring over the past 8 months
I get the kids up and get them dressed I am and have been arround from 7 am wake up time to dropping my youngest at nursery at 9am
My W has our youngest exclusively from 12 to 4 when I finish I get home then me and my W will look after our youngest and then the big kids arrive home
One,of us takes our son to his activity from 4:30 to 7 on a Monday Wednesday and Friday and the other one stays at home
On a Saturday when I work from 8-1 my W has our children she will take our daughter to her horse then take her off to work and then come home do some house work put on a load of washing then take son 2 to his activity from 11 to 1 perhaps go shopping whilst he is doing his sport ...Saturday pm we both do the childcare and house duties Saturday evening if W is working then I will take our children to my mums
Sunday we have been trying to do things together with the children or I will take them out or she will
The proposed schedule will mean that you can work M to F but you loose the income for Saturday.
If you live with mum will you be able to work Saturday?
Have I understood this correctoy?
V
Hi Ghost, you may want to suggest to your W that you share the weekends. Some people have the kids for 4 days and then not for 4 days, so they get some weekends but not others. Please don't feel that you have to fit in with all your W's plans. This is a negotiation and it is perfectly reasonable that you put forward your own views. I also think it is best for the kids if they get to have some weekend time with both parents. SS lived with us every weekend, and we had some lovely weekend times. I do think he longed for some nice weekend time with his Mum too though.
JMHO of course...
Hi I would really like some parenting advice tomorrow night my wife is out working my eldest son is at a party and I have been invited out for some drinks my eldest daughter is at home but she says she will only babysit if I let her boyfriend sleepover ....recently there have been several times when my daughter has been very rude to me and I have told her that at the moment until her behaviour changes no I have told her that him staying over is not going to happen
Would you back down and do a deal with your daughte
Your daughter will only babysit if her boyfriend can sleep over?! Who runs your house Ghost? You or your daughter?
I don't have kids, I'll say that upfront. But as a man, I would tell my daughter her boyfriend can sleep over when she's moved out and living on her own. That would be the only time he could sleep over. Ever. Why is this even a negotiation?
Is she paying rent there? Is she paying all her own bills? If not, why is it even an issue?
How about you don't do deals with anyone Ghost.
I'm a bit taken back here G , your Ds 17 right ? Maybe I miss reading the sleeping over part Just sleeping in your house or sleeping in Ds room ?
It doesn't sound like a deal to me More like blackmail Get a babysitter and tell her to pull herself together.
Just my humble opinion but I have two Ds and unless hell freezes over then that will not be a topic for discussion until I'm dead and even then it will be a short convo
Time to be a dad here and it's not something that's discussed more than once
Again , just my humble opinion.
Take care. Rd
Ghost,
I agree with PigPen. Don't negotiate with your daughter, she's your daughter, that sets a bad precedent. Your daughter will ultimately lose respect for you if you give in to such a demand. You need to be a parent.
I also don't think it would make you look attractive or strong in your W's eyes. Sorry to be so blunt. I just don't think it is remotely a good idea.
So,no she s not paying rent ...so would I be wrong to say to her that she is going to have to babysit tmorrow night for me I have two places that I would like to go to one is an awards ceremony for my son from 8 to 10 then I could join some friends for a drink once I have collected my son from his party
I think my daughter is out of line trying to black mail me she calls it a favor for a favor
She is 17 and does very vey little to help arround the house
So do I say to my daughter if you do not sit for me tomorrow night (bearing in mind she has no plans) then she can forget her boyfriend coming over again....I do not want to be harsh however we do a lot for her and right now she is actually starting to upset me ....I am sick of her trying to dictate what will and will not happen .....
She will say to my W I cannot wait till we move in to separate houses then I do nt have to live with daddy ...I guess I am scared of upsetting her and have her then decide not stay with me at all when we go separate houses.
Hi I would really like some parenting advice tomorrow night my wife is out working my eldest son is at a party and I have been invited out for some drinks my eldest daughter is at home but she says she will only babysit if I let her boyfriend sleepover ....recently there have been several times when my daughter has been very rude to me and I have told her that at the moment until her behaviour changes no I have told her that him staying over is not going to happen
You don't mean that you have allowed a boy to sleep with you're underaged daughter at your house?
Since when do fathers allow some guy to sleep over with his daughter?
One of the issues is that about six months ago my daughter asked if her boyfriend could stay over my wife and I had a discussion and my wife said that if she was going to sleep with him then it would be safer if she was in our house rather than in a car or at friends house where if things got out of hand at least we would be arround to sort things out so my W does not have a problem with him sleeping over ....I guess when my W was a similar,age my parents used to let her sleep over at my parents house
I generally do not have a massive issue with him staying as I want my daughter to be safe and if she is going to do it she will find a way ....but as an example I gave my daughter and her boyfriend I left home to his house and on and on the way my daughter was asking me if her boyfriend could stay over on Saturday night I said no she went on to say the only reason I was not letting him stay was because she was sleeping with someone and I am not....and that I am jealous.....bearing in mind the boyfriend was in the back of the car I did not stop and ask him how he felt during the conversation he may have been embarrassed I don't know....
Would,I,be,wrong to tell her that she will be babysitting and if she does not then she can forget any chance on him staying again....I guess come down on her tougher
See I worry a lot about upsetting the apple cart upsetting the situation so want to bend over backwards to accommodate my W and my daughter
Thank you I really do not have anyone I can refer with I used to always run things like this past my wife
Thank you
Ghost
She is not under age I was not totally happy when my daughter asked but my wife said that since she stayed with me at a similar age that she would rather her be sleeping in our house with him then out in a car or staying out with friends
G,
Don't confuse the two issues. Daughter has linked the two things. And they are not dependent on each other. A yes or no answer is all that is required from her.
You want her to babysit as a contributing member of the family. An expectation that she has as the oldest child in the family who has the ability to provide support to her parents.
Your daughter saying no is fine. You will find alternative.
Her having sex with a partner in your home is not something that she can use to negotiate with. Sex is not a commodity. And the mere fact she has used it in this manner, tells me she lacks the maturity to have been provided with this privilege in your home. Because that is what it is.
You using it a point of negotiation is not ok either. G the horse has already bolted in this case. She already has wife's permission to engage in this activity in your home. No point drawing a line now. It will just be perceived as punishment by daughter if she says no to your request.
You don't need to, nor in my opinion should you accept her terms and conditions. Frankly if she wants to be adult, move out of the house and do as you please. Don't contribute to the family functioning at all.
I would simply say that you will accept her response as no and leave it that.
There is absolutely no point your trying to parent her and put boundaries in place now. It's too late. To be frank as parents you have been permissive with oldest daughter and you are now reaping the cost of this permissiveness.
Just my two cents worth G, (and to be completely honest I want to bang you and wife's heads together) Aaarrrrgghhhh! Sorry G, my personal frustration showing.
Hope you get an outcome you are happy with.
Jellyxxx
I am just so outraged at the idea of a father, the man who is suppose be the leader and protector of his family, does not have the b@lls to tell his wife "No, my child will not be allowed to have unmarital sex under my roof"! Let's hope to God your wife doesn't decide to let her take drugs.....thinking she's going to anyway.... and wants her to do safely at home!!
No wonder your daughter has no respect for you! You have to actually act like a responsible adult in order to have respect. No wonder she despises you and talks to you like she does. You have allowed her to do anything she wants........just so long as it is okay with mother........and you are scared to say something to upset her, afraid she won't go stay with you when you move out.
In sorry to say this but i am shocked. I know for each there own. But no way in he?! On my watch.
some things are a little clearer now.
I hear what you have said and I do aprichate your comments
When our daughter decided that she was ready to sleep with her boyfriend she had a conversation with my W and my W wanted her to be safe ...my daughter would have ended up finding other places to engage
My daughter has lost respect for me however she has also lost some respect for my W also ....my daughter is selfish as well
I will not be blackmailed by my daughter and I will find other ways to manage tonight I will take the toddler with me to the first event and then ask y sin to babysit for me so I can go out for a short while later that evening
Thank you
Ghost
G,
get a babysitter and do not get extorted by your own daughter. Demonstrate spine and say no to her and do mount a payback, not in a vindictive way, but in a way that she gets to see that actions carry consequences...
On only did she use her privillege ( you do realize sleeping with her boy boyfriend as an undersigned teen in your home is a privilege, not a right , I hope) she spoke to you with the utmost disrespect about your sex life to you and in front of her boyfriend! I would have pulled over the car and told her she's walking home. She has taken this privillege used it as blackmail and then talked to her as daughter should never speak to her father.
I, personally as a parent would take the privillege of her having sex with her boyfriend under your roof away and punish her. Not even for the blackmail, but for the way she spoke to you . Has she ever had any consequences to her action?
Things are becoming a bit clearer now....
Wow!!! My mind is blown that your daughter would speak to you like that. If your daughter has absolutely no respect for you, how do you expect a grown woman like your wife to respect you.
I understand that you want your daughter to be safe but that is not the way. Like someone else mentioned, what if it were drugs? She could just as easily od in your house as any other. She can become pregnant or get an STD just as easily at your house as any other. Sorry to sound harsh but you and your W are inviting trouble. I don't know what you can do at this point but I wish you the best with both your W and your daughter. You definitely have your hands full.
In the UK, D17 is above the age of consent.
So let's be straight forward about this, she is not underage here.
She is disrespectful and is a teen, needs handling by AP and his W.
I think AP and his W are correct on the safety issue in this.
I was only a year older than his D and M.
V
Well I am not quite sure where I am right now family life with daughter being very rude W that wants not to live with another adult. She says that she feels totally unaprichiated yet she fired me as her husband yet she complains if I do not apriachiate her
My wife wants to live on her own away from me and my daughter has lost all,her respect for me so tomorrow I,am getting in an estate agent in to get the house valued we will out the house in the market ...I will be talking to her tomorrow to see if we can avoid soliciters for a long a Posable ....right now my W wants to be fair with the divorce equal shares equal child care what's in her bank is hers what is in my bank is mine no maintance to be paid either way I get to keep my cars she keeps her car ...this is very fair I could not hope for more from her
I will give her what she wants ...i have to give Her what she wants
Thank you for being there for me i am not quite sure how the next few weeks will pan out I expect the first legal letters by the end of the week
Thank you again
Ghost
Look G,
you really should forgo what she says. She may have been unappreciated, but so what. Water under the bridge... Forgive yourself, no good will come from connecting your testicles to a live car battery to make up for it. There is a VERY good chance she is just fibbin' it, making excuses for her actions. Either way, let it go.
Take care of yourself, starting now. Grow a spine and a healthy pair of cojones. Time to tell some people to go fcuk themselves. It is very liberating to do so. Time to start demanding respect you deserve.
Time to start liking yourself, which with a bit of luck will lead to a love affair with yourself. No one else can love you, until you love yourself...
G, all the best to you...
Vapo you are indeed correct
Here I am in bed trying to sleep and I have now got two of my children in with me by youngest at 2 and my second youngest at 11 both wanting daddy cuddles
I was feeling so low earlier I came home and my second youngest came up and gave me the biggest hug ever I am scared to move forward on my own without my W I have to take this step
Hugs
Ghost
Shed the fear and WAKE UP to the realization that your W has moved forward without you, so you have NOTHING to fear, NOTHING!!! Fear paralyses you, fear keeps you dying inside all the time. That is no way to live. Shed the fear, move forward...
Until you come to terms that your marriage is DEAD, I am afraid no progress can be made. No, your W won't snap out of it tomorrow, or the day after, so stop looking.
You need a time out from your W...
And that time out will be in separate houses
It has to be done I am one of the parents and for the better good I have t make and hold this position
We tried for eight months to make this work well I know that I did I tried to do my share tried to make things better with my wife but she wanted none of it she did not want to try and make things better our ideas Of better were polar different so nothing got better the things that I was doing as not enough for her and never would be
How do people make in house separation work for the benifit of seeing the kids kids do they can they?
She is not looking for anyone else but she is totally done with me and our marriage
I still want to stay together for the kids but this does not appear to be working
Ghost
Hi Ghost, have a look at the latest post by U-turn on his thread. He is further down the road than you and there may be some wisdom for you in there.
Take care xx
So I read an artical this morning about the W becoming the man in the relationship ,,,and this is totally what has happened in our relationship over time this was how she was feeling she was doing everything and making the decisions felt like I was just another child ....this is something that maximus was trying to explain to me a while ago ....however now she is past the point of caring and does not want to be in any sort of relationship with me
So,how do I show her a change in me ....stand up to her will this not just alienate her further
We are talking about mediation and separate houses it is past the point of fixing
I will find u-turns thread
Thanks
G
So,how do I show her a change in me ....stand up to her will this not just alienate her further
What changes, Ghost? How have you changed from within? How have you changes as a man? How has your thought process changed?
The issue here is, G, you think it's pointless to make these changes because your wife wants out. You think that because she is already gone, why make these changes?
Don't mean to be harsh, but do YOU want to be the man-child you describe your self as? Do you want to be a doormat, someone who is disrespected by his own children?
These changes have nothing at all to do with your wife. If you want to only become a man who is respected and in charge of his own wife to get his wife back, well, then don't bother, because those changes won't be real. If you want to become that man for yourself, then then make those changes. They will be real if you do it for yourself.
Self-improvement should be for yourself, not to get your wife back.
That was supposed to read " in charge of his own LIFE"
Resist the urge to show your W anything, because frankly G, you have nothing to show her at this time. I am not trying to belittle you, I am only speaking from experience. Your core foundation has been shaken with a category 10 earthquake and desolation reigns... Your heart has been ripped from your chest and trampled upon by a heard of wilder beasts, everything you have to know as a truth has came crashing down in a flame of destruction. I'm betting you do not even know who you are at this moment. THAT IS NORMAL, WE'VE ALL BEEN THERE, but now is the time to get your a$$ in gear and move. You have been destroyed, so start building a new you, a better you. YOU HAVE TO BUILD A NEW YOU FOR YOU, AND NOT FOR YOUR DAMN WIFE. In a little while you will find yourself filled with anger and even hate for your wife, again, that is normal.
Now, GROW, GROW for you. Work on yourself, let go of your wife, there is a good chance the situation is FUBAR anyway. And another thing, you are mistaking love for codependency.
You deserve to be loved and loved right and you should not settle for abuse and disrespect. BUT, YOU HAVE TO LOVE YOURSELF FIRST. And you G, you do not have an ounce of love for yourself.
So make a break with the past. Let the old G die, bury him, mourn him if you must, do not worry about your marriage (BECAUSE YOU HAVE NONE ATM) and build Ghost 2.0, new you, better you, a Ghost that will be happy just being Ghost and not some needy, clingy, codependent, sniffling G 1.0.
I love you G, I really do, bit you piss me off like no one. So, I do not want to read another line from you where you say you will try, or how you always manage to find excuses so you do not have to move forward. I will help you along, nudge you if I must, but if I read more excuses from you, I will lovingly let go and discontinue with your thread.
Stay strong G...
Hi G. Lots of wise advice as usual. It really is I suppose you can accept what your being told or you can carry on clinging to the hope you W will change her mind. She might , that's a possibility but she also might not and let's look and see what she sees.
She fell out of love with you She had her reasons , right or wrong Now what's happened for her to fall back in love with you ?? Nothing. Your still G , still codependant and still hoping that W will change
I've posted before how it took years for your W to reach this point and IF W ever changes her mind it will proberbly take years as well
Your Ds attitude towards you is unbelievable and it's not my place to tell you how to parent your child. I will say my 20 year old son who is 6'2" and weighs 15 stone wouldn't dare speak to me in a tenth of that manner because I have boundaries with all the kids and if I do raise my voice then the kids know I'm serious We are parents and need to be seen as such
G , this is your life and all we want is for to accept what is and move forward for you As Vapo said , this is life changing for us all , none of us have a choice in that however we do have a choice in how we deal with it I'm 18 months in and I still snuggle but once I accepted what is I wasn't paralysed by fear of upsetting W anymore and did things for me Nice clothes , holiday , new car , etc
Saturday just gone W complimented me on my wardrobe I accepted it but it didn't effect me Today W broke down over a work issue as she was chatting to me trough my passenger window. , I got out , gave her a hug , validated her feelings and went back to work 9 months ago I would have stopped the car and posted on here to get feedback , now I realise it happened and nothing has changed
My whole point is G needs to really, really accept that W is done She's choosen her path and is heading down it regardless of G. Now maybe , in time she will have regrets and she will look at G to see if G is still the same , what will she see then ??
What she needs to see is G , movng forward with his life , enjoying his life and living his life and her seeing that then won't matter to G because he will be happy and living his life for himself
You deserve to be happy G , we all do Why not follow the advice and as painful as it is accept. On e other thing from my own life is I was on Dyalisis for 5 years not too long ago and I hated every second of it. Every day I would count my blessings for what I did have and not dwell on the Dyalisis It really helped
Just my humble opinion G. You come across as a good man and I want you to be happy. Accept and move forward
Take care. Rd
Resist the urge to show your W anything, because frankly G, you have nothing to show her at this time. I am not trying to belittle you, I am only speaking from experience. Your core foundation has been shaken with a category 10 earthquake and desolation reigns... Your heart has been ripped from your chest and trampled upon by a heard of wilder beasts, everything you have to know as a truth has came crashing down in a flame of destruction. I'm betting you do not even know who you are at this moment. THAT IS NORMAL, WE'VE ALL BEEN THERE, but now is the time to get your a$$ in gear and move. You have been destroyed, so start building a new you, a better you. YOU HAVE TO BUILD A NEW YOU FOR YOU, AND NOT FOR YOUR DAMN WIFE. In a little while you will find yourself filled with anger and even hate for your wife, again, that is normal.
Now, GROW, GROW for you. Work on yourself, let go of your wife, there is a good chance the situation is FUBAR anyway. And another thing, you are mistaking love for codependency.
You deserve to be loved and loved right and you should not settle for abuse and disrespect. BUT, YOU HAVE TO LOVE YOURSELF FIRST. And you G, you do not have an ounce of love for yourself.
So make a break with the past. Let the old G die, bury him, mourn him if you must, do not worry about your marriage (BECAUSE YOU HAVE NONE ATM) and build Ghost 2.0, new you, better you, a Ghost that will be happy just being Ghost and not some needy, clingy, codependent, sniffling G 1.0.
I love you G, I really do, bit you piss me off like no one. So, I do not want to read another line from you where you say you will try, or how you always manage to find excuses so you do not have to move forward. I will help you along, nudge you if I must, but if I read more excuses from you, I will lovingly let go and discontinue with your thread.
Stay strong G...
Vapo
Thank you for your honest frank talk I am trying t detach my feelings from my wife I have joined a gym and taken up a personial trainer I have been over weight all my life and now is the time for me to do something about this yet I still find that I eat the wrong things ....even tho I have had 11 sessions with a personal trainer I have not lost much weight and I know this takes time...I am still not doing this 100% you and others have said I have not changed and your right I want to change need to change
Today I am meeting with a diffentent trainer who hopefully will be able to give me some nutrition advice as well
So vapo
I have been to some meet up sessions do not feel comfy able but I will continue I am going to one tonight
I have started back up my tennis something I love
I have joined a gym
I have been more active going for walks
I will look at what I am eating
I am building up my business ..I love my job
I want to be fitter and more healthy
I spend more quality time with my children
Vapo what else can I do to work on myself to detach from my W and my past life
Thank you I will do this....small steps I will do this tho
Ghost x
You need to be involved in something that connects you with people. Have you ever volunteered in some type of project to help others?
Do you enjoy going to sport events, concerts, comedy shows,etc.?
Do you live in a city or rural area?
I live outside a city so lots to do in the area
I have never volunteered I do not know when I would get the time to do this I work days and w works evenings
I am looking at controlling what I can control
I do,like concerts sporting events and comedy not really been to many over the years
Time,for a new thread
May the next one keep me being more positive about me and what I can do for me
I feel I am making a little progress it is not big and I still feel too attached but I am not waking in panic and fear I sleep,better I do,not cry all the time
Thank you
Ghost