Ok so hopefully Azzork can clarify. Right now I feel like he was asking that because it was too soon.
Turned out I just met her and she didn't come here.
I was happy to see the boys and smiled. Was pleasant. Not acting. Genuinely happy.
About 5 minutes down the road I was almost in tears. I know I have been doing better. Seeing her again tho brings up a lot of stuff. There wasn't a lot of convo. Just this is in here This stuffy is here. Kind of stuff.
But wow. I didn't realize how not moved on I am. I felt great until a few miles down the road and realized this is far far from being anywhere near to being ok yet. Not seeing her everyday helps. Keeping communication to a minimum. Helps.
That was so much harder than I thought.
I won't answer for Azzork, however, if he had not asked why you were planning to invite your wayward wife to stay for supper, I would have. Here was your response to him:
Just to be polite I guess. If it were a mutual acquaintance dripping off the boys I would do the same. You happen to come to my house during supper I will invite you to eat. It has nothing to do with R or anything. Just who I am
.
Tyler, you are deceiving yourself into thinking you are strong enough enough to act as if she is just an acquaintance. She has just left you and has another man in her life. This would not be appropriate, IMHO, whatsoever, not to mention the expectations it would set up with the kids. I mean they would be wanting you to invite mom every time she got near your house......which is not is good idea to start doing.
If you have read something about treating as like a neighbor, let me quickly insert a word.
Nosy neighbor. One who you do not want coming over to have supper with you. With a nosy, meddlesome neighbor, you just throw your hand up in a quick wave and quickly move on. That is how you need to deal with your W right now.
About 5 minutes down the road I was almost in tears. I know I have been doing better. Seeing her again tho brings up a lot of stuff. There wasn't a lot of convo. Just this is in here This stuffy is here. Kind of stuff.
Exactly.
I think I saw you, or maybe someone else asking about being friends again. Every time this is asked, enveribly, there will be at least one or two women (not WW or WAW, but a LBW) who will jump on this or some other newcomers who think it sounds swell. The point I think most people who support this miss, is the timing factor. The women I have seen support the friendships are those who were left by their H's, and of course, women like the whole friendship thing. About the only men who say anything are those desperate LBH'S who would throw everything out the window, including their self respect, just to have a little excuse to be available for their wayward wife who is currently in an A. How anyone could respect themselves is beyond me, but to think a WAYWARD woman is going to have respect for a H who wants to be her friend while she is cheating on him publicly.......just blows my freakin mind!
Yes, once she ends her A, shows true repentance and remorse for her actions, and begins showing respect for the H, then he can begin with showing friendliness and gradually move toward a more sound friendship. If they are talking about possibly reconciling, then working toward being friends first, would be a good idea. But I have already written a long post on another thread about friendship today, so if you are interested, you can look it up.
It is about the right
timing, DB members. B/c I promise you a wayward wife and her LBH are not going to look at a friendship between them through the same set of eyes.
Tyler, please, please do not think you can jump into a friendship with this wayward woman and believe it will lead you back together as man & wife. Check my other post for the reasons this doesn't work. These things take time. Once she is out of her waywardness, then ease into friendship, if she gives you clear indication of her true intentions.
Right now, I suggest you work toward just being civil, and if you can have a friend-ly atmosphere, that would be good. Big difference in being friendly and being friends.
Thanks Sandi
I know I'm not looking for friendship actively. I do know that part of me misses her. Inviting her in would have made an awkward situation worse. I was fired from that job.
I have to slow down and stop thinking this is a quick fix. That's not the case at all. Of Course she is going to be friendly, if I am friendly back she gets to live her fantasy. Like Cali guy said earlier.
I have been alone for a week. That is it. Although I was riding a high yesterday and almost all of today. Seeing her really shook that down to reality. It's ik to feel good about myself, it will take time to feel good and stay that way when I see her.
I will definitely look up the post you made.
Tyler
It has to be hard for you this week and I feel for you. Going from the family unit to not having her there is no easy task and unless you have been able to detach for quite some time, it will hurt
My W is ready to go on with her life without me and can't wait to get out the door or for me to get a new place I know right now I am angry, resentful and sad but not close to where I need to be to really detach
It will take time so hang in there.
Thanks Rich. It felt like hey this isn't so bad with her not here. Sure I missed the kids, I kept myself so busy I didn't have time to think about it tho.
Mowgli made a comment a few above Sandi on the friendship thread that brought up something for me. After Bday she showed me several times these pictures on fb or wherever where there was this exW and that exH and this kid from her and that one from there and they were all together for Christmas or a birthday.
She assumed by showing me this I was going to be ok with that. Well no. Not right now. Sure those families may be happy. It definitely wasn't within a few months of each of them getting D!
So that brings me to a different topic.
W did not like the town we lived in. Small town (1000) people. Hard to make friends and it is very clicky. And far from her friends and family. I grew up in this town and my family is still here.
My family was another issue for us. I being mr nice guy always pushed issues aside and tried to keep conflict to a minimum rather than stand up for my wife or our ideals. We always talked about moving, I never saw the rush tho. I was content...
In talking to my therapist and reading to remedy my issue I have been reflecting on why I think I want to stay in this town. The only thing I can think of is cause it's comfortable.
Recently I went to the gas station to get smokes and the lady says. I hear your moving. No I'm not ( she misheard W was leaving). And it honestly pissed me off that the whole town knows or people are talking about it. I told 5 people. 2 are my parents 3 are co workers/ friends. My how things spread.
Second. Everyone here knows my parents and I have always lived in their shadow. Scared of how I acted or what I did because of how it reflected on them. Everyone saying oh you must be XXXX son. You look just like him.
I am 32! I don't want to live like this I want to be somewhere no one knows me. I can make new friends and not worry about how my actions will be viewed!
So. Now it comes to that I want to sell my house. I don't want the constant reminder of what I had here. I am growing into hating this town. And it leaves me with a problem. Where I would like to move is a larger urban area. One is too far from my older 2 kids. The other viable options are a lot closer to S and the boys.
And that's where mowgli made me think. Is this move going to be viewed as me pursuing? Becoming friendly? A always available babysitter?
The one city I have always loved and have lived there before. There is lots there for my career. Lots for the kids and lots for me to GAL.
I font want to be looked at as the poor dumped H that followed his WAW...
Tyler, yes, she would see this as persuing, chasing, stalking, whatever you want to call it. For now, in your current state of mind, I wouldn't make any major decisions. Just stay put and focus on yourself. If you just really feel like you need to move, do NOT move close to W! Just give yourself some time and space to figure out and sort things out in your head. The town is not your enemy. Those people are the same ones you have known your whole life. Some of those people are just Nosey. Others are truly concerned and want to help if they can, they just don't know what to do. Either way, you are just the latest news and gossip. Won't take long till you're replaced with newer gossip or news. Just hang tight, this too shall pass....
Tyler
I read your sitch as I do so many. Helps me get stronger and to fully understand this craziness... If that's possible. I wish none of us had to live this.
I think you are doing well. Can you do better? hell yes. We all can.
You are definitely not detached. You take one step forward and 2 steps back.
It's not easy I know. I made huge mistakes before and even after finding this site.
You said your W is nice while other situations you read the W is mean to the LBS
No sitch is the same. Mine is probably one of the worst here due to the fact she has emotionally hurt my D's and hasn't seen them in nearly 7 months. I have learned that it's the WAW, WW, MLC or whatever that dictates what she does or says. You only feed into it. You need to step away.
I wouldn't offer her supper, I would put that shelf unit that you restored in your house, I would focus on you and your kids.
Let her have her journey.
I think from when you started here and up until now, I can sense you are stronger than you think.
Irish
I know if I were to follow right away it would definitely seem like pursuing. I should have added. I'm looking at a minimum 6 months at the earliest to move.
I have some renos to do and the economy here is crap right now. If I were to just move now I would get soaked on my house if I could sell it and probably have no job to go to. I want the house to get as much as it can for me and have a job lined up before I move. I'm going to handle this properly. There is a lot of factors that will decide when and if I can move. How long does it take to fix up the house. How long does it take to sell. Do I have a satisfying job lined up for my career. All of that play a factor. And right now in Alberta ( where I live) a job is like gold. Things are tough and may/will get worse before it gets better.
Irish. Thank you for posting and sharing your insight. I find myself still doing some things for her like that shelf. But I have plans to put it up on an accent wall and surround it by pictures of me and my kids. By restoring that shelf tho. It gave me the confidence to do it to other pieces for myself. Like a cheap dresser I got for myself. The focus is shifting to me. I trick myself into thinking I'm further along than I am tho. And the reality check is tough
Great to hear you doing it for you.
I too make furniture and was in a rut this last year even before BD.
First thing I did when she moved out is I made a living room coffee table. Cut the tree myself. Felt great finishing it just before XMas. Working on the end tables now.
Think about you my friend.
If you were on a plane and it was going down.... What do you do first? Safety mask on your wife, your kids, the guy next to you... No. You take care of yourself to be able to take care of others after.
Grow from this and your kids will draw strength from you and vice versa. No matter how it turns out and trust me I want you and your wife together.. You will be a better person and father.
Let her feel the concequeces of her choices. It will get worse before it gets better. Don't watch the train wreck.
Irish
I would love to make these things for myself! I need a coffee table end tables night stands and a toy box. I'm sure I could find a tree to cut down. It's easier for me to buy the wood. Haha. I don't have the wood working tools to build these tho. But making these things by hand would be great hobby to pick up. As a mechanic I like working with my hands. It wouldn't hurt to look into courses and see how I can get myself started in this
Today is turning out to be a rough day for missing W. I have the boys and they are very distracting and we are having fun. Just can't shake W out of my head today. I miss her
I know I need to keep putting on a happy face. I know I can't talk to her. I know I can't talk to her family about her. The thought just keeps creeping through my head to ask her sister or mom if they know how she is doing.
That is not following the rules tho.
I would be doing it in hopes to hear she is miserable. Misses me. Anything positive.
Anything the other way would make it worse I know. So it's best to leave it alone. Assume she is having the best day of her life. That I am the furthest thing from her mind. And that I need to do the same.
Hey Tyler,
I hear the pain there. Been through that stage myself. I would not do it. Right at BD, I contacted WW's best friend. Terrible idea. It showed my pursuit first of all. Second, I did not hear anything that I really wanted to hear and just felt worse as you predict. Third, my WW was infuriated that I contacted her friend behind her back. Just let it be.
I would not assume she is having the best day of her life. When I think of WW, I think she could be having the best day of her life, she could be completely miserable, or anywhere in between. I just honestly have no idea and it seems like you do not either. So why assume anything?
Go do something to take your mind off of her for a few if you can. Some pushups work for me.
No, I'm not going to call anyone. Before DB I did everything wrong and was in constant contact with her mother, sisters. Friends snooping and it all bit me in the ass. It set me back further than I was at the beginning.
So for now I work on me and my boys.
Knowing this early stage all too well unfortunately, I would expect you will cycle between good and bad days for a while to come. On the bad days, try thinking of things in your life you are greatful and happy for. One or two things and focus on that.
Missing and thinking of your W is normal. Man I still do that off and on and she left end of Sep.
Also, sounds like you've learned from your early set backs and no point reflecting on them as they keep your mind in state of paralysis of that moment. Most of us made mistakes early on ( I know I did big time!) but you pick yourself up, learn and grow where you need to and move forward.
Do your best to stay out of her head and what she's thinking, doing, etc. it will keep you down when as you know focus is on you and your boys. Keep positive as you can and expect the good and bad days.
There is definitely something therapeutic about packing up all the little crap W left behind to give to her tomorrow. Or just tossing stuff away that has no meaning anymore and never really did just kind of took up space.
No I am not packing anything that is sentimental or will make her cry. Just dumb crap like a shirt she left. Pair of socks that ended up in with a some laundry. All of her coffee cups. I don't need that here. She can do what she pleases with it.
The down side is there is one picture frame I hadn't touched yet. It had 5 of 9 pics of us or her with kids. They had to come out. I'm done with bare walls in parts of my house. So that was no issue. The issue came when looking through a stack of pics to find replacements and there were some that were a little much. Like wedding. Dating pics. And the big one was our first pic together. It definitely was tough but they are all put away now. Where I won't be rifling through them again.
Now. I have to put my photography skills to work so I can fill these frames and have lots of pics for when I get more frames!
Today will be a good day. The boys are going back to W today and that is saddening. We have had a good time playing so far. And I got a text this am saying she has to work today and wouldn't be able to meet until later. That interferes a bit with my plan to study hard for school tonight. There is nothing I can do about her having to work today tho. And it gives me more time with my boys than I expected. So it's good.
Alright. The weekend with the boys was great. Wish we could have played and did more. I need to sit back and think about wasted time. So I feel totally satisfied with my time with them.
Going to see S again today. Nervous. After missing her yesterday I worry I'm going to over do it. Either over rnthisiastic or overly distant.
Guess we will see how this goes
New goal for myself.
When talking in person with W I have to stop avoiding eye contact. I don't feel like I intentionally doing it. After meeting for the boys I was thinking over the interaction. I was happy and not overly talkative. All talk was about the boys. I can't picture what she looked like in my head. Not what she was wearing. I couldn't even tell you 100% if she was wearing a hat or not. The lack of eye contact may have went unnoticed. But I doubt it. And I feel it was weak of me not to look at her.
I can't think of why tho, I don't know if it was nerves or if I am scared to, I can't expect respect fr people if can't show self confidence and self respect by looking at them when I talk tho.
So new goal is to work on maintaining eye contact during convo. With anyone
Making eye contact is a great skill to havehave and your W would be a great person for you to practice it. Just be careful not to over extend the eye contact. Too much eye contact can be seen as intimidating or attempting to intimidate. You can also practice on yourself in the mirror.
I like reading your posts because you have so many ideas for self improvement or so it seems to me. Stay strong and thanks for the support earlier today.
So I saw a fb friend post one of those put in your name a get a random thing things. This one was what is your bible verse for 2016. I did it and got this
You will go out in joy and be lead forth in peace. Isaiah 55:12
Then this underneath.
The Lord is with you! 2016 is going to be a great year for you and your family. This Bible verse will always be by your side in 2016, and will help you out in difficult situations. All you have to do is trust in God's word! Then you and those closest to you will remain happy and healthy.
Reading back further in Isaiah helps explain it better, from what I understand and take it as is if you put your faith and trust in God you will enjoy the joy and peace of his promises to us even through the trials and tribulations.
Tyler, I bet it felt good to finally get some of the pictures and things put away so you wouldn't have to see them, and to get wife's stuff packed and back to her. You're doing a great job. Some days will be harder than others, but the hard parts get just a little less hard as time goes on. Keep it up, you'll get there. Glad you had a good visit with your boys. It's as important for them as it is for you.
Making eye contact is a great skill to havehave and your W would be a great person for you to practice it. Just be careful not to over extend the eye contact. Too much eye contact can be seen as intimidating or attempting to intimidate. You can also practice on yourself in the mirror.
I have meant to comment on the eye contacting, also. Not just to you, but to all LBH'S in general. If you over-kill, it will look creepy. Let me give a few comparisons. Say you are reading the morning newspaper at the breakfast table and she starts talking to you. That is the time to put the paper aside (or at least, look over the top) and look at her while she's speaking. If both of you are cleaning up the kitchen and she's gather plates and cleaning off the table while you are washing up the dishes.........don't completely stop the dish washing or whatever you're doing and turn around to look at her every time she says something. That would be a little freaky, IMO. B/c both of you would be working on the same project and causually chatting. You would continue working, while glancing her way a few times, maybe nodd your head so that she knows you are listening. IOW, try to keep it natural.
Now, if you were the only one in the kitchen cleaning up, and she came into the room to obviously have a conversation about something, and she was being respectful, then you could stop your job and look at her until she was through with the conversation. If she was just walking through the room and sort of throwing a statement at you, I don't think it calls for you to immediately stop everything to try to look deep into her eyes. You might glance her way, and if she keeps walking, you continue with your work. Does this make sense?
You have to stay balanced with this stuff or you wil come across as physco weird.
It did feel good to put things away. And move more of her stuff out.
Still working on a couple things tho. I put the box of stuff in her trunk and was expecting her to say something when she u packed it. Like thanks or why or anything. And I was a bit frustrated she didn't. The. I realized. I shouldn't and don't care. Also I drive a bit further to drop off the boys than she did as she worked late. She did the same Friday and I said thanks for that. She didn't thank me. I still do things expecting responses from people
Doing things for people shouldn't always have strings attached. I feel good I returned the favour. That's enough. Do I need to know I did a good thing giving her a box of stuff? No. It felt good to me. That's enough.
As for the eye contact it's something I have to work in not just with W but life in general. I have always noticed I have trouble keeping eye contact. It makes me uncomfortable. At the same time it makes me feel the person may not trust what I am saying and that bothers me too.
Something I need to work on is all. For today tho my focus is on school and studying tonight. I have an important test tomorrow and I am going to rock it!
Tyler,
I want to tell you that you and I have a lot in common. I don't want to go too far into it but I'm going to just hope to all hopes that you're a Flames fan and not the other one
I haven't been home in a while(came stateside for school, got married and stayed) but I'm glad you're focusing on going back to school. Looks like things aren't good.
I've had lots of buddies that have had to give up their toys because they couldn't make the payments after their rigs lost the work and my dad's going to be forced to retire early AND his company stock is in the toilet to boot.
As far as your sitch goes, Hang in there and ride this thing out!! It gets harder until it can't, then it gets easier!
Tyler i've done the same this weekend. Walls are bare. I went onto Ebay and ordered some canvas wall art of a lighthouse. A reminder to one of the posts on here using the light house as a metaphor.
It felt symbolic and refreshing moving WW stuff to a place I didn't see it or have it amongst mine or my boys things.
I can't say I'm a flames fan mowgli. I am more of a oiler fan. It's not easy tho. I enjoy hockey. I tend to follow it a bit. More the management end than the points end. If I watch a game I am at it. Have better things to do than sit and watch a game.
I am slowly making the house my own I guess. It's not easy. I'm the grand scheme of things we have been separated 3 months. But in reality only a week. Living together made things seem not as real. Now it's so quiet at the house. It bothers me. I have to have music going or be doing something or I get depressed and start going crazy.
I guess the nice thing about my trade is the recession that Alberta is facing doesn't effect me as hard. Being a mechanic people tend to fix things rather than replace. It's definitely slower but people that can fix things are more in demand. I guess we will see how things shake out.
I'm English, am in the UK. I am a mechanic. I still play vets hockey when I can and follow Dallas Stars !
I am stuck between making the house 'my own' as it is likely I will have to sell but I am going to make it as different as I can.
I'm lining up a weekends DIY when she has finaly moves her stuff out and have told my boys to choose what ever colour scheme they want....as long as it's Star Wars. Little things with the radio on is helping quite a lot..
Since you said you've read the book, what ways have you changed for the better?
I would say I started to change for the better before I got and read the book. The advice I got off of this forum was and continues to be great. I have focused a lot more on GAL and detaching. The difference I found in the book is the ideas that are discussed here are explained a bit more thoroughly. And te exercises she recommends help a lot. Keeping notes and writing things down as you go helps better understand and keep tabs on where your at.
Also the stories from people in the book give insight to I guess ideas and how to handle things in similar situations to your. That's how the book has helped me.
I guess a better answer would be how have things got better since I started Dbing. And that I can say is me getting out and doing things I enjoy more. I was a very sit in the house do nothing person. I find my mind looking for things to fill the time now that I refuse to waste it at the computer or TV.
Second is I don't let other people's opinions and emotions effect me on a personal level as much. Not just W but everyone. I used to take anything that was said toe and apply it to myself. To worry about what people thought of me me and be judged by them. I still do to a point, it's getting better tho.
Third is that I use the time I have with my children better. That stems from the lack of TV couchpotato time.
I have started eating more consciously. Not that I ate garbage before but the carbonated drink intake it almost zero. Better snack habits. Better self image stems from this. Also better hygiene or grooming I guess is better than hygiene. I always showered and was clean haha. But little things like paying more attention to shaving more regularly. Keeping facial hair groomed. Keeping nails trimmed and neat.
I all around feel better about myself and I like it. I am looking to do more to expand on that for myself.
Now. A more important thing than what I have been doing to change is the self reflection on WHY I need to change and where did the habits/behaviour that got me into this situation come from.
The root of the issues I am still working on although I have a good idea and will delve into that with IC. And part of it is definitely my father and mothers relationship. But like I said. That's something I am going to work on myself right now.
Hit the books for 2 1/2 hours tonight. My brain is fried. I took a break mid way and made some of my favourite cookies. Then back at it. Down side is W started texting me as soon as I was done school today. Did S3 toque get sent back? I replied I put it in his bag. And she made some comment about having a rough day and I just ignored it. I was driving. Then txting while I was studying. Could you look for my eye prescription. It's xxxx. So I looked. Not there. And she gets pissed. I know it's there. Whatever I'll get a new one.
I replied. Look. It is not where you said. So unless there is somewhere else you put it. I have a test tomorrow I don't feel ready for. Have a good night.
There was no sorry or anything. Just that she must have tossed it and good luck on the test.
I don't even care about the interaction. I just want a day that there is nothing from her. Not a word.
I can't avoid it tho as she always opens with a question about the boys. How hard would it have been for her to look in the bags when she got home last night or before she dropped them off at day care today?
Why didn't she take things like an eye prescription with her? FYI she broke her glasses 2nd day in her new job.
Part of me wants her to talk to me sometimes but a growing part wants a day. For myself. No stress from her. No bs.
And I want to just shut my phone off and let it be. But with 4 kids in 2 different areas I need to be available if something happens.
On a happy note D12 texted me today asking for my mailing address. Bothered me a little she didn't know it. But I think she is sending me a letter. She wouldn't tell me. Haha. It made me smile and look forward to getting the mail more than when DR was coming.
I need to sleep. Important test tomorrow and I should rest. Just wanted to update my day a bit.
This is going to sound cold, but why respond if it's just some question about a toque? Like you said, she should be able to figure it out, right? same with her prescription... She left and if she couldn't be bothered to remember it, why is it your issue?
Questions you probably need to answer or respond to are emergency situations or drop off and pick up dates, times and locations.
Seems like she's using the kids as a gateway to try to talk to you like you're friends or something. I wouldn't let her Fzone you like that, IMO.
Good luck on your test, BTW!
That's exactly what it feels like. Oh here is a comment or question just to say something. Like the toque thing. She already dropped him off at day care with the bag. He had been there for several hours. Would it matter at this point? She would see it later.
I don't know. It's hard not to respond to these questions.
I'm thinking I need to limit it to like you said mowgli. Emergency pick up drop off time place.
Anything else usually angers or stresses me.
You finding some things other than school to occupy yourself, bud?
I know that it was very helpful for me to set goals for myself and to focus on things I wanted to be better at and change for me. I figured that as long as I was having to go through all of this life changing stuff, I might as well make changes that were going to benefit me in the long-term.
Ya. School is very occupying as it's more of a sprint than a marathon. They cram a lot of stuff at you in 8 weeks
Right now I still have v ball Tuesday's. Which I look forward to.
Started doing yoga in the evenings.
I am looking for furniture that I can restore and use. Have a couple pieces that will take up some time. And the gym opens in a week so that will be another thing.
I have some emails out to different workshops to see when they start up so I can get my hands into some new hobbies. Like woodworking or anything else that makes me stop and look.
Always on the look out for new things to try.
I can't avoid it tho as she always opens with a question about the boys. How hard would it have been for her to look in the bags when she got home last night or before she dropped them off at day care today?
Why didn't she take things like an eye prescription with her? FYI she broke her glasses 2nd day in her new job.
Part of me wants her to talk to me sometimes but a growing part wants a day. For myself. No stress from her. No bs.
You don't get it, guy. She just uses the kids as her excuse to contact you. It may be legit, or it may be her wanting to irritate, however, it is not uncommon for a WW to do what yours is doing. They
usually want to keep up with whatever the LBH is doing. Your WW found out what you were doing b/c you told her you were studying for a test. So, she felt okay that you were being a good boy, staying home and studying, instead of being out having fun without her. More importantly, you weren't having fun with a she-person.
If you really want her to stop it, then tell her you want all contact to strictly be kid related (which, she usually finds some way to make it kid related).
I assumed she was using the kids to start talk. I didn't see t as a way of checking in on me tho. If you mentioned it before I bypassed that part totally.
I don't think I need to tell her to leave me alone yet. Right now I will be more stringent on what I am answering.
If you really want her to stop it, then tell her you want all contact to strictly be kid related (which, she usually finds some way to make it kid related).
I have found just not replying to things not kid-related to work pretty well too.
Tyler,
My wife would get really annoyed/upset if I had anything to do with another person, esp. a female.
Sandi is spot on. I'm sure it would be fun to tell her you're on a date, and can't talk with her, or apologize to her later, because you're other girlfriend and you were out... but lying won't help. You're end goal is to save things, right? Just going dark - let her feel that darkness, except for strict kid handoff/safety stuff.
If she's texting you that kid said 'daddy'... that's her doing a sonar 'ping', checking to see you're still where you're supposed to be. It's time to go stealth on her - engage the catepillar drive. *crosses fingers, hopes people get the reference*
I just used you're twice, when it should have been YOUR.
Grammatical Faux Pas, GRRRR.
EDIT BUTTON, WHERE ARE YOU?
I agree with Sandi and you trumpet. I'm not going to make things up as an excuse not to talk to her. Even the little interactions that are beyond kids are too much now and it's enough for her to gauge where I'm at.
If it was something like the toque again I can just leave it. If I would have left it for another 30 minutes she would have seen it when she picked them up.
I'm just finding it hard not to respond even though I know I need to limit talk. It's a learning process and I'm getting better. Still have a long way to go tho
I'm just finding it hard not to respond even though I know I need to limit talk. It's a learning process and I'm getting better. Still have a long way to go tho
You are still holding onto some kind of fear that makes you respond right away. Acknowledge the fear, look hard at it and push past it. Whatever the fear is, it is wrong. If you feel if you dont answer her right away she will get mad and be gone forever, that is not true. You are allowed to make her mad. Her anger will not push her away. Doing more of the same will push her away. Set firm limits and no matter what, stick to them. You can do this1
Thank you Mona. I'm not sure if it fear or habit. Both of I think about it. And both need to be put aside. Your right. What I have some in t he past didn't work obviously and should I care if she is mad? No. How is that going to effect me? It won't.
On a similar note. My wish has come true. It's been over 24 hours since she last contacted me. Or any contact whatsoever. Nothing at all today. And it was nice. Other than a part of me was waiting for that text that would end the streak. Tomorrow won't be as bad.
It is kind of weird not having any contact for a whole day tho. First time in 5 years.
And this brings up a question. Is it considered against what I am doing to ask to talk to the boys? I don't feel like it is if I were to text I would like to talk to the boys I'll call in 5. I understand I am not talking to her but I am not depriving myself of the boys or them of me because of this. It does not fit my goal of being the best dad I can be.
Oh. Also wanted to add. Today was a great day. Woke up happy and ready for school. I did great on my test. I was very happy with my mark. Had some good laughs with the other guys in class over lunch and spend the afternoon in the shop ripping apart a engine. There was an hour or so where I kind of wandered around the house looking for something to disract myself. Then v ball. Where I have probably had the most fun since I started going. Just felt more comfortable there. Like I could open up a bit more and joke around.
It was a good day. Looking forward to others like this and for the bad ones to not be so low. It's coming around. slowly but surley
In my opinion I don't think you asking to speak to your kids goes against your D'bing approach. I suggest looking at an overall co-parenting plan and ensure both your wants and needs are there this is all about the kids and putting them first. You wanting to talk to them is a great part of that. That also means she gets the same if she chooses as well as two way street. And you guys can designate amount of time to speak and frequency, etc.
All depends on how you guys work together and for kids benefit, but these arrangements can be made.
We are as far as I know. Not with holding the kids at all. There have been no signs toward that. When I have the kids I am quite happy if she wants to talk to them. I don't want to seem like I am distancing myself from them by not asking how they are or talking to them regularly. It makes me feel like I'm not doing enough. So yes I do need to talk to them to ful fill my needs.
Tyler, so glad you had a great day and did well on your test. Just remember that this is lik a roller coaster ride so don't be surprised if you have a few good days followed by some bad ones. Eventually, the bad ones should get less bad and less frequent. Keep up the good work!
As for your boys, you should be able to talk to them whenever you want to. Maybe you had your W could set up a specific time when you call them. Maybe after school, or right before bed. Or maybe they can call you every evening after dinner or something like that. That way you don't have to text her every day asking, and everyone will know when you will call, or when they will call you. Just a thought.
Hope you have another great day tomorrow!
Today was another great day. School went well. Got a random text from W that was just a comment so I didn't feel the need to reply. Went out for supper with some friends. And got to work on a dresser I bought. I'm re finishing it so it matches the wood in my room.
I have been looking for a set of night stands and a friend was selling his and his bed frame. I didn't really need the bed frame but I liked the stands and it is a nice bed frame. So I said screw it. I'm buying them. Set it all up and it's amazing the change a bed frame makes. It makes it my own bed. Not the bed I used to share. And not intended but a bit funny to me. I stood back and looked at it. Was pleased. Then realized. Man. W would have loved this. Too bad she didn't stick around to see it. Made me smile.
Also talked to S3 tonight. Was missing the boys and so I called and chatted with him. He sang me a song he learned at day care and told me about his day. Tried to get me to say it's ok to have treat even though he didn't finish his supper and W already told him no. That made me giggle.
So all in all it was a good day. That's 2!
Today so far has been another uneventful and good day.
Except for a few minutes where W popped into my head. I thought about holding her and I had a bad feeling deep in my stomach. The kind of feeling where you know your not going to experience that again. It was really tough to get through.
I was able to think of my kids and good memories to get past the sick feeling. The thought of her still clouds my mind right now.
Hoping this can pass because right now I miss her alot
Except for a few minutes where W popped into my head. I thought about holding her and I had a bad feeling deep in my stomach. The kind of feeling where you know your not going to experience that again. It was really tough to get through.
I remember walking through the airport in Atlanta the first day of separation with XW thinking to myself how there was a decent chance that I would never kiss XW again.
No real advice. Just letting you know you arent alone.
Excited for you about the new furniture.
Hi Tyler12. I get that pit in my stomach as well. Still remember our last kiss etc... It socks that it's extremely highly likely that we'll never have those experiences ever again. Not sure how to handle it other than to tell myself the pain will subside eventually. Hope tonight and tomorrow are better for you.
It's not an easy process. Part of me wants to call her and try and talk about R. Then I realize. It's not a good idea. If she wanted to she would talk to me.
I know when I started this process of dbing it was to save my M. That's most of the reason we all end up here. And through all the advice and the time you spend DBing your thought process changes
. Although I have been GAL and finding new things to do for myself. The reason behind it all was so W would someday see it.
Today my thought process started to shift. For me it's still not all the way there
But it's a realization that it is for me. The thought may shift back and forth between for her or for me. No matter what I try and tell myself a lot of this so far has been M and W focused. And tho I have told myself all along its for me deep down I didn't really see it that way.
I guess that is part of the fake it till you make it. Sitting here processing all I have been doing I thought yes it was for her to notice, but I enjoyed doing it. It made me happy. It was for me after all and it is feeling like that now. This feeling may also change like the feelings and sadness I have some days.
That's all part of the process tho. You come here to save your M and while your here you start to learn being in a R is a bonus to living your life the way YOU want to live it.
Well. I feel like I just fell backwards in dbing.
I really felt like I was doing well limiting contact to the kids. I had to talk to her tonight about finances because we agreed that she would be coving half of the owing on bills when she left. It's on a signed document.
It started out with her getting mad at me for her not having money. Because she started her jobs in between pay periods and I have to have the boys every weekend. I stopped her and asked. Are you really angry at me for wanting the boys on weekends and you blame me and that reason for money being tight?
She said no. I'm not mad at you its just been a long week and I'm tired.
That's where I feel like I took steps back.
From there she went on for 5-6 minutes about work and how her boss is a idiot. And I listened to it all. Validated. And she kept going. It was weird to me because she hasn't told me about her day or week in months.
So I feel like I slipped by talking to her, and what's worse is I didn't get to end the convo on my terms. She was talking and said oh crap. I gotta go. Alight bye.
Maybe some of you will see this as not a big deal. It just goes against the lack of contact I have been trying to have. And her spewing how she's doing to me was nice to a point. It's nothing to read into at all I don't think. Just feel used right now
Hopefully today goes better than it started.
I woke up stressed about money this am because the loan I got to cover expenses during school is going to be almost gone at the beginning of February. It's stressing because I have ended up covering her ass because she isn't getting paid yet. If she starts paying me back I'll be ok. But for now it doesn't look great
Looking forward to tonight. I will have all 4 of my kids for the weekend! It's always a bit hectic while they all are here. The older 2 are amazing helpers with the younger 2. And the littlest one is so close to walking that I am going to make it a goal to get him walking this weekend I am looking forward to that a lot.
W texted me this morning that S11m got sick this am but he is still his happy normal self. It was just a heads up I guess. Not sure why that couldn't have waited until I saw her later when we meet for the boys tho. I said thanks and I will keep an eye on it. Have a good day.
Right away she said thanks you too.
Not as nervous to meet her this time as I have been previous times. And I am going to remember to make an effort to maintain eye contact during conversation. I have been practicing that with other people too. And it's getting better. I catch myself looking away at times and remedy this.
Over all tho I am feeling better about myself and moving on with my life. Looking at the last couple weeks of doing things to GAL and distract myself I think I need to dial it back a bit. The house needs cleaning and laundry is behind. Lol. So I need to find a balance
Do I give W a list of the 1/2 of debt I have covered for her? Or wait until I know if she has been paid.
I feel like I should give her a list of what and how much. I'm not expecting it all up front but instalments would nice
Tyler,
From my seat, you didn't take a step back. She talked to YOU, right? How did you end up looking? Like a good guy, a listener? That's the essence of DB'ing!
If she had to cut the conversation short, something happened, no biggie. When you BOTH have the opportunity to end the conversation, doing it first is advantageous.
I think you keep the debt list until she has been paid. At least she'll have something to give you when you present the debt. Asking now, when she's already stressed about money, would be asking for trouble.
Thanks trumpet. After thinking about it a bit I thought. What is going to be the outcome of me giving her this list? Will it be positive for me? The answer is no. Not right now. After last nights reaction that was mention of it. Giving her actual numbers would be counter-productive at this point.
Thanks for the support on te talk last night. I think it felt off to me because I have been limiting talk and then it was a pleasant talk.
And today has been good. She texted me a few times after the little guy being sick that she wasn't feeling good either and had thrown up in her bosses house.
I didn't really feel a need to reply but I will say something when I see her about wishing her to feel better.
I was starting to think no one was reading my thread anymore! Lol. Thanks trumpet. Last I read things are better in your world. I have to catch up later tonight. But it was positive last I saw. Keep up the good work!
Interesting interaction tonight with W.
We met at the gas station we always do. I was earlier than her so when she pulled up I got out to see the boys. They were all smiles and we were very happy to see each other.
W asked if I would mind taking little one in to change his diaper and I said no problem. S3 wanted to come too and I was happy to take them both in for a bathroom break. W started moving car seats over and bags for the boys.
After she gave them a kiss and hug I was just waiting by my car door and she came up to talk. She had said earlier that she "felt like death" and had been throwing up today. When she came up I said. I know you said you feel like death, you don't look like it tho. And just smiled.
She just smiled and told me she had got a breakfast sandwich somewhere and it didn't agree with her. That she had felt awful since. I listened and worked on my eye contact. We said goodbye and I said I hope you feel better.
Before she got in her car I said. Oh, and thank you for driving to meet with the boys even though you aren't feeling well. I appreciate it. This was something she said was part of the problem with us. She didn't feel I appreciated her and the things she did. So that gave her a big smile and we got into our vehicles to leave.
I rolled down S3 window so he could wave and when I looked over at her she was crying into the wheel. I couldn't just leave, so I got out and asked her if she was ok. She said she was just tired. I said, I know you have worked a lot this week, I hope you can use these next few days to get some rest and feel better. Drive safe. I will let you know when we get home.
That was it. What struck me as odd was her crying. I know she said she was just tired and I get that she may be. It just seems like a strange time for that let down to be released. And the way she looked over at me almost seemed to trigger the crying. Maybe I'm just wanting to see something from nothing. If I am it's just to see how she is. Not in the hopes that anything is changing, I have pretty much accepted that I have to do my thing.
I just am not sure why it seemed like a thing to me. Anyone else ever feel like they pick up other people's emotions? Like I said. I'm probably looking for something from nothing
Having a good day with the kids today. It gets a little boring when one of the smaller 2 are having naps tho. Limits what we an do and we seem to be doing our own things. Which is good too. Probably going to go visit my parents this afternoon for the kids. Personally I have no desire to see them, the kids deserve to see grandparents tho
It's not strange at all. She is seeing some of the consequences of her choices.........watching her family drive away without her. Being sick and tired, she couldn't fight it off as well as if she ready to go out and party.
Thanks Sandi. I guess it's a bit comforting to know it's not all rainbows and sunshine on the other end.
So is this something I leave for her to deal with? Let her come to me?
Just put it out of my mind and live my life. Let her deal with it?
I was starting to think no one was reading my thread anymore!
Still here
So is this something I leave for her to deal with?
Yes
Or let her not come to you and drop those expectations
Just put it out of my mind and live my life. Let her deal with it?
Yes
Really I think you would've been better not turning back when she started crying. Let it sink in. Instead you force her to prove to you that she is still set on this path so she doesn't give you false hope.
As a LBS you have two choices- you can hurt things, or you can leave them alone. NOTHING you do makes it better. Best thing is to leave it the heck alone. Any involvement in her journey backfires.
Or let her not come to you and drop those expectations
I am working on this. Part of me still has hope she is going to stop this. It comes and goes. I am finding it's worse when I have the kids. I'm reminded of family, of happier times. I'm going to keep working on this.
Really I think you would've been better not turning back when she started crying. Let it sink in. Instead you force her to prove to you that she is still set on this path so she doesn't give you false hope.
I am still effected by her showing sadness or guilt and crying because of it. I am able to look past anger. I guess her tears made me think I could make things better somehow. And that is another part you mentioned Zeus. Making it better isn't one of my 2 options.
Thanks Sandi. I guess it's a bit comforting to know it's not all rainbows and sunshine on the other end.
So is this something I leave for her to deal with? Let her come to me?
Just put it out of my mind and live my life. Let her deal with it?
Trust me when I say that it is definitely not all rainbows and sunshine on her end. And b/c it isn't, her emotions will be all over the place. She may appear to be excited and happy one minute and crying the next.
Of course it is difficult for you to observe, b/c you still love her. It is only natural to want to comfort those we love when we see them hurting. For men who are fixers, they have that strong desire to fix what's wrong in the W's life. I hope you will believe me when I tell you that if you try to comfort, reassure, or fix what's bothering your WW..........you will repeat the pain again. She has to experience these moments where she can actually "see" part of the results of her own decisions. If those results are cushioned by you (the betrayed), then more callous grows in the wayward wife. For example, if you had gotten out of the car, went to her and put your arms around her and told her everything would be alright...........she would quickly cast aside the picture of her family driving away. She would feel better b/c you reassured her, so she would escape into her wayward fantasy further. However, with you calmly driving off with her little boy waving bye to her, she has to drive that road back to her place, uncomforted, and alone with her thoughts to question if seeking her happiness is worth this price tag she just witnessed.
It usually takes more than just this one-time event to stick in her heart deep enough to cause her to measure her losses and decide to do the right thing. The WW may test her LBH to see if he's still invested in the M. Most men mistakenly think they should let her know they still want to work it out. They see this "test" as her reaching out to the LBH, and their own fear collapses the opportunity to confirm her concern.......which is that she may be lossing the best man, her H, and it was all due to her stupidity. If he does not cave to her tears, sexual advances, or her woes, then she is much more likely to want him back enough to start swimming her way back toward him. She starts to see him in a more attractive light. She feels remorse for the awful things she's done to him. She is humbled. His forgiveness would be a gift to her.....but she realizes she doesn't deserve it. (I could go on & on.)
So, yes, you let her deal with her own sh't. She made the mess, so she needs to put on her big girl panties and clean it up. If you try to do it for her, she will act just like a spoiled child who has parents who never lets him fall down and he never learns to walk. Sure, no parent likes to see their baby fall down, but they understand it is
necessary in order for her to stand and to walk.
It is for her sake and the good of the MR that she comes to you. It may take a couple of years before she works through this stuff. My advice is for you to make your life the best that you can without her. Let her go, and let her find her way back to you. You don't have to stop loving her. If you want to give her time, that's fine. But don't let her know that's what you are doing. Don't just sit around with your life on hold. You don't have to give up hope. Just let her go for now. B/c...........the WW senses when the LBH has truly dropped the rope.
I forget sometimes that I am only a month into this and it could potentially take years... That's one of the hard things to grasp.
And doing things with the kids for us. I want to send her pics and tell her how great we are. I'm not tho. It's for me and te kids. I don't need to manipulate her with how we are.
It really bothers me that she acts like the older 2 are not here. She asked how the boys were yesterday. And I believe she plans her drop off and pick up so she doesn't have to see older 2. I'm not sure but I am monitoring her actions. She has been a mom to them for over 1/2 their lives and she acts like they don't exist anymore. It troubles me deeply. She saw them the day she moved out and hasn't since or even brought up anything about them. It feels like she doesn't care and it angers me she is being so cold about it. Because they miss her too
I just have to be the parent they need. The stable one right now. The first time I detached I did it all wrong and know how to approach it. I just never thought I would have to go through it again
It must be terribly discouraging. In the past, I would not post that information, although, I saw more and more LBH'S who I could see just were not grasping how long it took the WW to make a turn back to the MR. Many of them would talk about the WW not "snapping out" of it. The only stories where I observed the WW snapping out of the fog, were the ones where the LBH'S acted quickly with very tough love. For the most part, the LBH'S have been nice-guy types who were much too skittish to do either. Anyway, a few times I decided that maybe the LBH'S need to know that it usually takes much, much longer than they ever dreamed.
There is something else LBH'S need to know. Once she comes back into the M, the issues are not automatically resolved. There have some men who actually stuck around long enough to tell us that they (the LBH) came very close to being the WAS after reconciling. You see, they would be so focused on just saving the M that once they were reconciled, then his issues with the WW would hit him. He would be faced with his own anger and tons of resentment for what she put him and the kids through. Some of them discovered that their forgiveness was doubted, and asked themselves why they weren't happier. Not by the WW, but by themselves (the LBH).! This would always comes after the reconciliation and it would be like he couldn't understand why his feelings about his W had changed. Wasn't this what he wanted? For her to end her affair and go back to him and the kids? Yes, it was. However, after it would seem things should settle down and get back to normal, then all these negative feelings would arise.
We tell newcomers to take very good care of themselves, and that includes mental health. It is a tremulous occurrence in the life of the betrayed. I have learned that much by reading endless accounts of personal pain and outcome from LBS's. To come through it unscathed is not possible, IMHO. The fact that a couple can come back from it, at all, is incredible. They can, but it's not easy and I think they need to know upfront that it is more than challenging and takes a long time b/c of the various stages of how it all plays out.
great posts Sandi... I am glad I caught them.
Tyler, I think the most important things is to focus on yourself. I am 7 months into this weird limbo state and while I do occasionally spin, most the time I am on solid footing because I focus on myself. I am trying to make myself better in every aspect. I reflect on our marriage and try to figure out my role in the issues. I also am trying to get in tip top physical shape and improve my social skills. All of this takes my mind off her.
Sandi's comments on the LBH becoming the WAS are interesting, I can easily see how that could happen, I can see how it could happen to me. In a lot of ways I think reconciling would be more difficult than where I am at currently.
Best of luck man
Thanks guys. I'm working on my gal. Think I need to slow it down a little tho. I feel run down and been ill more In the last 2 weeks than in years. Today was a role reversal. I feel like crap today instead of her. Or she may I dunno. I know I looked better anyway. Not that she looked bad, she looked tired tho.
I smiled through the whole exchange and must have done a good job faking feeling great cause she said she hopes I don't catch what they had.
As for the reversal on WaS. I can see that at times too. I ask myself why I want to work on this. Why put myself In a position for this to happen again. The one unchanging factor is the kids. I want to try for the kids. Some days I love et some days I don't.
I dont know why I never thought of this before. Why don't I act around W like I do around XW? I am civil and polite with her. and unaffected by her bs. No reason W should be any different at this point.
Well. I had a good weekend with the kids. We played some games, did some crafts together, played a lot! And I finally watched inside out with them one night.
It always seems to feel like I'm not doing enough with them though they are happy and often the 3 that can talk say they don't want to leave. So that's nice to hear.
I wanted to study a lot this weekend when I had free time. That didn't work out either. I was so tired after playing fri and sat. I just went to bed. Then last night I wasn't feeling good and after dropping off kids I got home and slept for 12 hours until I had to get up for school today. But I feel much better.
So I'm not sure why I did this. Saturday night S3 got sick in the middle of the night. I got up and cleaned him up and his bed and he went back to sleep. In the morning he was fine and played hard all day. I told W when I was dropping the boys off and she got upset I didn't tell her earlier in the day. Like she did when S1 got sick. If I expect her to tell me this kind of stuff why did I feel like I didn't have to tell her the same thing?
After a few upset texts from her about how I wasn't going to tell her etc. I said. I get that your mad and I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier in the day. I should have like you did with S1. I watched him all day and he didn't show any signs of still being sick. I should have told you and I am sorry for that.
I didn't get any response after that probably because she got what she wanted in a apology from me. I feel a bit forced into that apology. I don't see how I did anything wrong as far as he was fine after getting sick. I do see that she had te courtesy to tell me about S1 right away and I was expecting it when we met. I just kind of dropped it on her when we met.
The next thing is I hope she gets paid soon and can start paying me back. I am covering a large chunk of change today and it takes up pretty much all I had saved to get me through school. As long as I tighten up any spending I will be fine. It bothers me tho as after I separated from first W I took up all the debt myself and it screwed me over. W knows this and was with me while we struggled to climb out of the trouble I was in. Now it's almost like I'm headed in that path again. The difference is this time I'm not going to just let it slide. I know that when I do bring it up with her it will be met with anger in her end. It stresses me out
So I'm not sure why I did this. Saturday night S3 got sick in the middle of the night. I got up and cleaned him up and his bed and he went back to sleep. In the morning he was fine and played hard all day. I told W when I was dropping the boys off and she got upset I didn't tell her earlier in the day. Like she did when S1 got sick. If I expect her to tell me this kind of stuff why did I feel like I didn't have to tell her the same thing?
After a few upset texts from her about how I wasn't going to tell her etc. I said. I get that your mad and I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier in the day. I should have like you did with S1. I watched him all day and he didn't show any signs of still being sick. I should have told you and I am sorry for that.
I didn't get any response after that probably because she got what she wanted in a apology from me. I feel a bit forced into that apology. I don't see how I did anything wrong as far as he was fine after getting sick. I do see that she had te courtesy to tell me about S1 right away and I was expecting it when we met. I just kind of dropped it on her when we met.
You allowed yourself to get forced into an apology because you're afraid of her being mad at you.
You can't nice a WW into being respectful.
This doesn't mean you should be rude or disrespectful to her, only that you can't use her emotions towards you as a compass with which to steer your ship.
In this case you don't even have to apologize. If you agree you could say something validating like 'I hear you feel the children being sick deserves communication. I have no problem doing that in the future.'
If you need your WW's approval to feel good about who you are it's going to be a bumpy ride because she's going to have nothing but spew for months or years. I'd recommend finding alternate places to validate yourself (not other women!).
I think the point of the response I worded out isn't what I said, it's what I didn't say.
What I said is that I can make an adjustment.
What I didn't say was that I was freaked out that I had allowed her to be upset, and that I was going to desperately beg for the opportunity to find a way to make her no longer mad at me.
I can be respectful, but I'm not walking on eggshells as if her throwing a tantrum hurts me personally. It doesn't. I have a 5 year old that throws a lot of fits. They last about 10 seconds because she knows I don't care and it's up to her if she wants to scream and cry or not, but it won't change my behavior.
I understand what your saying Zeus. I'm working on not being effected by her.
It's hard not to tho. I don't want her mad at me, it's tough to take what I know, that she has her feelings about me whatever they may be and her actions toward me and I know that they are not what I would like them to be. I get she has them and I'm still struggling with letting her have her feelings and not be effected by them and doing what i can to change those into positive ones toward me.
I guess what I'm saying is I want to detach and not let her effect me. I feel like I'm not doing a good job at it and want to fix things. I don't know if it's a time thing or if I'm approaching it wrong.
I have been contemplating a upcoming issue I have. My youngest son turns one next Saturday and it is a huge deal to me to be with him on his b day. When my D turned 1 I made the decision to go to work that day and miss her party. It is one of my biggest regrets.
The issue is this. Before W left and possible before DB, we talked about the weekend of his birthday. Normally I would get the all the kids Friday. That weekend however D12 and S9 have a dance at school Friday night and have been involved in planning it. So arrangements were made to get them Saturday morning. youngest a b day.
I mentioned meeting with W Saturday at a neutral location to have S1 b day with all the kids and that I didn't see her place as an option as I wasn't comfortable with who may be at the party as well. We never really made a solid plan.
Now the issue is this. I think it's a better option for me to get the boys Friday like i usually do and get the older 2 Saturday and we can do his b day at my place. If W wants to drive up for it I guess that's fine. I just don't really care if she is there or not.
So how would you guys approach this discussion? Just flat out say. I will meet you Friday as normal? And when she brings up S1 bday or the somewhat plans we had how do I say sorry. You chose a separated life, this is how it's going to be.
I am nervous of the anger I am sure I will be confronted with and the possible backlash from it. And also the negative affect on any part of her that isn't done with me.
I know I shouldn't care but I do still
[quote=Tyler12]Now the issue is this. I think it's a better option for me to get the boys Friday like i usually do and get the older 2 Saturday and we can do his b day at my place. If W wants to drive up for it I guess that's fine. I just don't really care if she is there or not.
So how would you guys approach this discussion? Just flat out say. I will meet you Friday as normal? And when she brings up S1 bday or the somewhat plans we had how do I say sorry. You chose a separated life, this is how it's going to be. [quote]
Tyler, how exciting that your son is turning 1! That should (and will) be a great day. There are times that you and your wife have to put your differences aside and act like adults. As adults, you can get along for one day. Saturday isn't about you or your wife, it's about your sweet little boy and the celebration of his first birthday. That day is about him, so put what he wants above what either of you do or don't want. I can promise that if you try to keep your W away from him on his first bday you will be met with a LOT of anger and resentment.
I think it's absolutely fair that you get the younger 2 on Friday just as you normally would. Then, you can get the older 2 on Saturday. If it were me, I would contact your spouse and tell her what you're planning and see what she says. If she has something different in mind, don't reject it without thinking about it. Just because it's her idea, doesn't mean it's not a good one. Then, perhaps you can both compromise and choose something in that you can both agree on and be happy with. If she is willing to work with you and be willing to compromise, then work with her. If she puts her foot down and tries to run the show, then explain nicely that you would like to work together to make it a wonderful day for him and that you would appreciate her working with you on making sure that happens. If she's still not going to work with you on it, then have it at your house and invite her. At that point, she can either come or not, but you will know that you tired to put your son's happiness above yours or your wife's.
That's just my opinion. I hope it works out well and that he has a great birthday.
Well after praying for guidance on my issue and clarity to know what to do. I slept on it and came up with 2 options.
1. Suck it up and say I will be getting the boys Friday and I will meet her for drop off Tuesday.
2. I like this one better as its action. There is an amazing indoor playground about 1/2 way between us. It's open on S bday. And though it wouldn't be a big party with family an friends. Just the kids, her and I. ( if she chooses to stay), it would be a great place for the kids to run and play, for me too as its built for everyone. they allow you to bring food so I would pack a lunch and make a cake for his bday as well.
Tyler, that sounds like a lot of fun. Hopefully your W will think so too.
It's now been 3 days since any contact with W. Other than the morning after dropping off the boys to see if S3 was feeling better.
It's a very strange feeling. A mix of sadness, acceptance, relief, pain, loneliness. I have been kept busy with school. I went out tonight with a group of friends for supper and had a good time visiting. I find my mind wandering to W as it was a group we did spend time with.
There was no talk of her or R. A friend/ colleague asked how I was doing in a sincere way. I said I'm doing good. School keeps me busy.
I did get out to the gym tonight and was able to work out. That helped occupy sometime.
As I am writing this I find myself in tears because I realize I don't really have anyone to share my day with anymore. Not like I used to be able to with W. It's not the same with friends or family as it was sharing with spouse.
I find it so quiet at home unless I turn on music or am doing something. It bothers me when I can hear the clock ticking or the humm of the electricity in an appliance. Lol.
I find myself thinking of her less each day and yet more at the same time if that makes any sense. The frequency is less but the thoughts are more powerful and that makes its hard.
Ii honestly think this may be the lowest I have been since the day she left. I lived through that day and I will make it through this one. Each day is a new day full of blessings, you just have to be looking for them because not all will stand out for you to appreciate.
Make sure you do appreciate the blessings you do find tho
As I am writing this I find myself in tears because I realize I don't really have anyone to share my day with anymore. Not like I used to be able to with W. It's not the same with friends or family as it was sharing with spouse.
Tyler, I hate that you're having such a hard day. I have those a lot still. My H was the only person that I really talked to unless I was at work or talking to my kids (teenagers). I miss him every single time something happens. I want to pick up the phone and tell him. But, then I remember that he doesn't care about me any more. I used to always call him on my way to and from work. Now, when I get off work I just walk to my car in silence without him and drive home wishing I could tell him about what happened at work. Then, I get home and he's not here. I hate it! And, I still can't understand how he just doesn't want to be in my life any more.
I guess I just wanted to tell you that you're not alone. I know how it feels to not having anyone to share your day with. You're right, it is NOT the same to talk to family or friends. Hopefully this will get better for all of us soon. Hang in there.
I've got a few of the indoor playgrounds by my place. D3 always has a blast when we go. Fairly reasonable price as well. Your kids will love it.
I also hear you about wanting to share things with your W. I miss sharing things with my WW as well. Although she doesn't believe I ever talked to her, I use to share stuff that I heard on the radio or read on yahoo news all the time. I still hear things and read things I want to share with her because I know she would find them interesting but I don't, for the most part. I save them now for when she starts a conversation with me. Helps me talk less about our M and R. Hang in there. Sounds like you're making progress even with the tough day.
Had an "off" night tonight. Not in a bad way tho.
First tho I want to bring up my thought process and how I need to change it. I got a text from a friend/ co worker today that said mind if I stop in after work. I said ya no problem. What's ups? He said nothing big.
For whatever reason my mind races to negative thoughts. Always has. Ex. He's mad about something or something's wrong. Maybe some bad news at work he wants to share. Then I had to stop myself and think. Why does it have to be bad? Maybe he wants a drink and to see how I am. Maybe he needs help with something? Whatever it is I will deal with it and not worry about it.
It ended up being nothing really. He needed something and I was able to help him. We joked around and talked and that was that.
Second thing that was a step for me. I called my older 2 kids tonight just to talk and asked to speak to their mom after. I needed to go talk about a weekend I am supposed to have them and I potentially have plans to go away that weekend. So this is a big deal for me as I have always put off or cancelled me time for everyone else. I was afraid to bring it up as I thought it would be a big deal or I would disappoint someone. Again it wasn't. We moved some weekends around and it all works. At one point tho I said "well if i don't end up going away that weekend I can still take them... Wait. No. If those plans don't work out I will make new plans. It's the weekend school is over for me and I am back to work the next week. I want to go do something.
Again I felt like I was letting the kids down or I wasn't being a good parent. And that's not the case. They know I love them. I will always be here for them. I honestly don't remember the last time I went away with friends for the weekend or even did a day trip for me.
As for te off night. I felt guilty i didn't do anything. Haha. I sat down and watched a movie. No studying. No hobbies. No going out. No gym. Just sat and did nothing. It was nice.
It's still quiet and lonely at night, but the boys are coming tomorrow so I get a loud crazy house for a couple days again! Really excited to have 2 of the 4 this weekend.
Long story short. I took some steps today to put myself first. It almost feels wrong to say it or bad. At the same time it feels liberating to a point.
Also wanted to add. I am waiting to hear if the local high school needs a coach for a handball team. I used to play In high school and I coached for a few years as well. I stopped doing it as I felt I was too busy when I really wasn't. Also my boss said I was wasting my time volunteering as its not appreciated, they just use you blah blah. Not sure if he was having a bad day or what cause he is usually great but it made me fear for my job. I don't anymore. If I need to take time off work for something I enjoy then he can suck it up.
I really enjoyed coaching. It felt good to pass on the knowledge I had and watch others grow from it.
On my way to meet for the boys again. It feels weird seeing her and not knowing what's going on in her life. A small part of me want s to know what her plans are for the weekend. How she's been. What's new. No where near as much as I used to tho.
These meetings still feel a bit awkward tho. Like I'm not sure what I should be saying or if I am being overly enthusiastic talking. Am I too friendly? I don't want to seem cold. It feels like I am walking a fine line and I'm sure it will get easier in time.
Walking into this with no expectaions from her tho. No reason to have any. I'm going to get my boys not see her. Looking forward to having play mates in the house again for a few days!
May have pushed a little when talking. She brought up her job and she's not happy with it at the moment. I said well if you ever want to talk about it... And I got a smile look that was either you haven't talked to me for weeks. Or why the F would I talk to you. I'm thinking the latter. But no expectaions right? But I said it and I meant it. So I can't think of it as a slip in that semse.
I could see that being interpreted either way. As long as you have no expectations, I think you're good. Have fun with the kids!!!
Tyler, you seem like you're doing great with detaching. I have been at it a bit longer than you and don't seem nearly as detached as you do. You're doing great and seem to have a good attitude with all things considered.
I think it's awesome that you're going to try to coach handball at the HS! It would definitely keep your mind occupied and would be so much fun. It is NOT a waste of time to volunteer your time. Your boss sounds like an idiot! He should have given you a pat on the back for trying to help kids, not make you feel like you're doing something wrong. That's one of the best GAL activities I've heard so far.
. I hope they have an opening and can use you, you'll have to let us know.
What's the latest about your son's upcoming bday? Are you still planning to go to the indoor play area? Did W say if she was going to attend? I know you'll make it a special day for him.
Hang in there and keep posting. You're doing a great job!
Thanks guys. I really appreciate the feedback.
Some days I feel I am doing good detaching. Others not so much. I never realized it but I have detached before in a way. Old relationships and stuff I would just go dark. Cut ten out of my life and go on. The difference this time is its real love and family I am detaching from
I really hope handball works out. I miss coaching sports. W was always very supportive of it and was disappointed when I stopped. She liked coming with for tourneys and stuff. But I miss getting out with those kids and teaching them and seeing what you showed them used.
I am going to tell her when we meet for the boys Sunday. And I am not phrasing it like a question. It's what I want to do. If she mentions going to her place I will simply say I am not comfortable with that. I don't see a need to explain either. Even if she asks.
Again it means a lot to me you guys stopping by with support. Thanks.
Wanted to add. W had a bag of little crafts and finger paintings from daycare S3 had done when I picked them up. She said that I could have them and take them home. I said ok, your place getting full of them already? Haha. She said no, these are the first ones he has brought home. I'm not reading into it at all, just a nice gesture from W.
It is nice to get behaviour like that, at the same time things like that never stopped. She knows I'm a sucker for sentimental little things from the kids and nice gestures mean a lot to me. Through all of this she never stopped doing things like that which hurts because it feels like she does care, she's just moved on.
Some days I feel I am doing good detaching. Others not so much.
That's completely normal. You're forcing yourself to do something that doesn't feel natural and that you don't want. You're going to have good days and bad days. Eventually, the good days outnumber the bad days. Then, the bad days will get fewer and fewer. Or so they tell me. I'm not completely there yet. Heck, I'm not even close! You're doing great though. Keep it up!
I really hope handball works out. I miss coaching sports.
I am going to tell her when we meet for the boys Sunday. And I am not phrasing it like a question. It's what I want to do. If she mentions going to her place I will simply say I am not comfortable with that.
It really does sound like you have a great plan both with the GAL-handball, and with dealing with your W and your son's bday. I really hope both work out well.
I may not post on your thread much, but I always read it.
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Going to take the boys to watch some hockey today and to get out of the house. Boys and I have had a good day playing so far.
I would love to go outside and play in the snow but there is a brutal wind today and won't make for a lot of fun. So we are going to get out and see some friends at hockey hopefully and give us a chance to get out and socialize a bit.
Mind is wandering to conversations W and I had before bday and I get upset with myself for not seeing this coming. I feel like if I had caught these and addressed them I wouldn't be dealing with this. On the other hand I starting to see this situation as a blessing of sorts. A chance to find my happiness again though I never knew I had lost it. To gain back my lust for life after falling into a boring sit at home rut.
It's not always easy to find the silver linings, but you will never find them if your not looking for them.
For those that are afraid to GAL or go out because they don't think it will make a difference. Here is an exams of how good things can happen from going out.
I took the boys to watch some hockey and we had fun visiting and playing. While there I was able to catch up with a couple old friends and had another friend invite me to come play hockey this afternoon and get out tonight too. So just need to find someone to watch the boys for a bit and I can go play. It's been awhile since I played. Hockey and I am excited for the chance
For those that are afraid to GAL or go out because they don't think it will make a difference. Here is an exams of how good things can happen from going out.
I took the boys to watch some hockey and we had fun visiting and playing. While there I was able to catch up with a couple old friends and had another friend invite me to come play hockey this afternoon and get out tonight too. So just need to find someone to watch the boys for a bit and I can go play. It's been awhile since I played. Hockey and I am excited for the chance
Tyler, glad that you guys are having fun today! I do have a suggestion though.... You have been bored at home and looking forward to visiting with your boys and having fun with them. Might be better to tell your friend that tonight isn't a good time to play Hockey because you have your boys, then you can set a different time to play with him. That way you can spend all of your time with your boys while you have them, then have some time set up to play hockey when they are NOT there which will occupy some of your alone time as well. Just a thought.
Your right MB. I have been looking forward to having the boys here. I always do. It's probably not the best time for me to be going out, it's conflicting tho as I always put things like this aside to spend time with family even when it was sitting around doing nothing, so I get eager when these things come up. On the other hand I miss not having my boys home all the time and need to focus on what's most important.
Yes, I do that as well. BUT, there is a difference here. Your boys don't live with you full time anymore. If this were something HUGE that only happens once a year or something you will never ever get the chance to do again, then yes, get a babysitter. But, when you're talking about something that you can just say "Hey, sorry this isn't a good night for that, can we do it next week?", well, that's the thing that you can put off until a day when your boys aren't with you and you will be home bored and trying to fill your time. Then, you get a 2 for 1 deal....you get your boys that you've been longing to see today, and on another day when you know you will be looking for ways to fill your time, you can go play hockey. It's a win win for you Tyler!
Well. The thing is it is a once a year thing. It's a co-Ed tourney with a lot of friends I have fallen out of contact with. It happened I couldn't find care for the boys and they are napping anyway. You were right tho as much as it would be fun, I think I would miss the time that could have been with the boys more. Now. I may still look for someone to watch them tonight after I have put them to bed so I could go mingle for a bit. We will see how much they play me out this afternoon tho. Haha.
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