Old POST:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2641367#Post2641367It has become an atrocius environment at my household trying to live with my WAW during moving to the D.
I want get walked on and we had major words today about finances and that she is waiting for the papers and ready to file
I stopped searching for any type of "A" in another city that she goes to now every other week but it really doesnt matter to me at this point except for possible closure. She says no way and from some snooping I so far have confirmed nada
I have lost 8 lbs over this and continue to try to follow the protocol here
She is getting crazy with the "I won't be taken advantage of anymore" Which....she never was......maybe not appreciated as she should have been at times but that goes both ways.
I need to suck some strength, hugs and wisdom from the board here to get thru this .....the next few months will be so hard. I pray for my daughter and she doesn't have major issues from this. Someone pls tell me there kids came thru OK.
Probably time to start setting some boundaries, man. She's running all over you.
You two don't need to figure out the finances, that's what she's paying a lawyer to do, right? so let him do his job. If she's curious, she can figure it out on her own. For God's sake don't help her!
You are the one being left, what right does she have to demand anything from you around the house? focus on you and your D.
If she wants to get confrontational, you have every right to not engage and walk away, so do it.
Don't let her get "snippy" with you. You tell her "I don't let people talk to me that way, and I won't let you talk to me that way, either." then you walk away.
Let her be pissed off. She isn't respecting you in this process AT ALL. You literally owe her nothing. That doesn't mean you meet fire with fire, though. let her burn herself to the ground.
FYI,
I'm not saying there is or isn't an A, but she may be looking to move quickly for a reason.
FYI2: you're from PA, right? PA is a "fault-based" State, which means PA will give it weight to an Affair in D cases, which in turn, can be used as leverage for you if you are concerned with your finances.
Many say not to snoop, but in this case, you may be protecting yourself.
I know your world has been turned upside down.
Your W is rewriting your marital history to fit her view of her current reality. She's pushing hard.
You will be fine, but you need to follow the rules. Your kids will take your lead on this. If you struggle, they will struggle. If you show an outward calmness and protect yourself, they will take their lead from you.
Really, truly, set boundaries for yourself.
Is this normal behavior for her when she's fired up?
There is something driving the bus here. Something has happened to make her feel the way she does.
Yes...pretty normal behavior as she is a high tempered individual
And you are dead on Mowgli with rewriting history. Making it like I was a horrible husband who mistreated her. Geez...all the wives in our old neighborhood always said they would love to live her life of not having to work and tennis :-)
The bus has sped up. And I want to put my head in the sand that it could be another man and have done some digging and asked but she swears up & down no. She has a major project (can't say more than that..) that she started after not working for 10 years that is her life right now and all she cares about....it is pumping her up , having her travel, meet some high profile people and I suspect will be or is her path to a new life without.....and maybe someone she has met thru this adventure
I do want this to be successful for her as it will only help her financially and me too. But the high will stop if successful in due time and she will be brought back to earth. Definitely wihtout me and maybe or maybe not happy
Not in my control or something I care to think about anymore
I can only control me and standing up for myself. I don't want to make it like she is stepping on me but this whole DB thing is new to me and over the past few weeks as I have been less interested and care, she has gotten more hostile towards me
Fact...
She isn't going to be honest with you. It isn't worth asking her. If something is going on and you keep asking her, she will take it deeper underground.
Who goes out of town every other weekend?
What kind of work does she do that she is unable to tell you about her project?
Does she hide her phone or keep it close to her?
Be observant and don't ask her about what she is up to.
...and set your boundaries. You know what your rights are, based on your consult with the L.
What did you learn from your consultation?
This will probably get more difficult, before it gets easier. DB'ing takes practice. It is a new way of life. It isn't limited to the words; "divorce busting". It applies to other relationships.
Also be patient. Not only with your sitch, but be patient with yourself. You'll make mistakes along the way. Not a big deal. There is no teacher like experience. Dust yourself off and keep going.
Trying to keep my cool but she went nuclear when discussing living arrangements. She wants to stay in thehouse as part of the arrangement and I also do. She said...then this will get ugly. I do have alot to lose in the financial area......it is what it is
I know the project and details that she works on....just can't discuss openly on the board. And every other weekend is our deal in terms of keeping out of each others hair during this tough time but I have a small level of trust. I actually am so worn out from this that i don't care much anymore. She does keep her phone to her hip and it makes me wonder.....
She blamed me for everything tonight. I stayed as calm as i could but the reason she is leaving is because I left years ago. Everyone has responsiblity in a relationship and I have learned and realized my withdrawals and why. Some reasons which are due to her...which at this point doenst matter
Don't you think if she is the one who is leaving the relationship, she should leave the house eventually? She made the "how many men make thier wife and daughter leave thehouse?"
I said...I am not making our daughter leave as we will have joint custody. So you would be finding a new place....
Rich,
I spent months thinking that my wife was just unhappy and wanted out. I asked about OM a few times and it was always denied.
I wanted to DB. I wanted to trust her, thinking trust would help in DB'ing.
There was an OM the whole time. Even now, she still calmly denies it.
I would suggest snooping, but be ready to see/hear things that will crush your heart. If you think you've already hit bottom, that bottom falls out when you find the A.
As much as it hurts, I am glad I know. It gave me direction on what to do next.
I hope and pray that you snoop and find nothing.
Go easy brother.
She is trying to manipulate you with her comments about things getting ugly and making her leave the house with your daughter. It gives her a sense of control of the situation.
Stay calm, cool and collective. No need to get defensive or take things personal. She will say things just to hurt you, even if they are not true. That's why WASes are history revisionist. It helps justify their choice to leave and her perception, is her reality.
It is your job to change that perception. How are you going to do that?
Lost my cool this am as she got in my face first thing in the am and said "I want to stay in house, with daughter and dogs...you are the one who should move out"
Then said primary custody... things got out of control and a huge arguement.
She then wanted me out of house asap and will get a court order...which she can't do. And to get the lawyers involved and not do mediation.
I think this is toast...maybe belongs in the divorce thread now!
Ugh...what has happened
You are operating from a place of emotion right now. SHE IS TRYING TO MANIPULATE YOU TO GET HER WAY!!! It similar to dealing with a bully. You have to set your boundaries. Until you stand up for yourself, it will continue. You don't have to stand there and take her BS.
You can say something like, "I respect myself too much to be treated this way. When we can have a civil conversation, we can talk." Then walk away. Go to your room, lock the door and put on a headset." Just an example. Or don't say anything, simply walk away.
DO NOT MOVE OUT!! Let her figure it out, but be prepared legally.
And you don't know how things will shake out.
Voice of reason..thanks LITB. Sounds from a place of experience
I stood tall. I need to put emotion in the belly and breathe. When she brings up the daughter my Irish gets going and all signs point to protect. There are things from the past that got us to this point that I own and have told her I own but that IS THE PAST. She is moving on becuz of the past so I told her don't rehash as I am well aware of the issues and can only move forward.
I am not moving out . She can hit me with a bat each day if she wants but not moving.
this 2 + feet of snow is not helping things either. I don't sense this coming back around anytime soon so I have been trying to detach and now need to set up boundries too which I will re-read.
Keep safe if you are in the NorthEast today.
Yes, it does come from experience. When you don't argue back, you don't add fuel to the fire. Essentially, it serves you no purpose to argue with her In her mind, she is right.
My W has told me that she didn't know what to do when I wouldn't argue back. I can tell you one day she threatened me with more child support and spousal support, etc. I told her to do what she needed to do. Believe it or not, she apologized later in the week. I'm not telling you this is what will happen in your case. However, when you have boundaries, respect will follow.
Glad to hear you are not moving out.
I find that people who listen to the advice, help themselves immensely. When people follow their intuition, they get in their own way. To your credit, you have been listening.
You'll eventually see the fruits of your labor. Stay the course and keep posting.
Stay in Newcomers, Rich. Please hear what we are saying. All wayward wives have similar charteristics, however, they vary in degrees. Some are just worse than others. And the worse must be dealt with through the only thing that can force her to do what has been declared. I am referring to the legal system. The WW lies and deceives. You cannot trust anything she says. To even discuss arrangements seems useless, IMHO, b/c you cannot rely upon her to stick to anything that's been decided between the two of you. A court order is about all that will work with a woman who is at this level of madness.
I do not know the laws in your state, however, I encourage you to find out and do whatever you need to do to protect yourself, your children, home, finances, property, etc.
thanks Sandi...already working with a L
Today was one of the hardest days so far in this horrible journey.
We are friends with about 4-5 couples in the neighborhood who all have kids my daughters age. They ended up all coming over our house including parents after a snowy day for drinks/food.
My daughter was in heaven playing with everyone and we all sat around and drank and had some fun.
All I could think about was me vacating the house and my WAW staying, wooping it up with the neighbords and continuing with the life I dreamed of without me.
And that my daughter, if I have to eventually move, will not like staying with me as this is the fun neighborhood where she lives now with us.
Really tough...
My life is getting blown up the most between the 2 of us.
It hurts so much to see that life will continue without many speed bumps for her if she stays in our house. Staying here whether me or her for our daughter is the best thing to do for a while anyway as it will cause the least disruption. and now she says she will keep the dogs too
I will be the lone wolf out in the cold. It kills me
She goes on like almost nothing is wrong. Anyone else who has to live with a WAW ready to D going thru this? How have you deal with it?
Part of my heart bleeds to want to say pls lets give this a shot but I know I can't and I know it won't do anything at all but hurt more. That would be useless
I wish I could somehow keep the house and dogs and still be able to swing my work and finances while not having her take me to the cleaners too.
What do you mean she is staying in the house and you are going to be out in the cold?
What did your L say? You are allowing FEAR to be your guide. You have to stand your ground.
One of the things that motivated me, was the thought of my children asking me what happened when they got older. I wanted to be able to look them in the eyes and tell them I did my best. I made some HUGE mistakes along the way, because of FEAR. It cost me time with my children and a lot of money on a L.
I have a friend who lived in PA, whose sitch was about 6 months behind mine. It was very similar to mine, as his W wanted a D and wanted to leave the state to AZ. I told him not to allow her to leave the state with their sons. I had already made that mistake. He didn't listen. His W moved, the D was finalized and he had to find a job in AZ.
The point is, sometimes we allow fear to guide us directly to the land of regret. I'm guilty of it and I hope you learn from my experience.
Can you get us up to speed on the D? She wants your help with Financials is what we know. Has she filed? I gather that she has a L who is preparing to file. Have you agreed to anything? Doesn't matter if you haven't signed. Don't sign anything. If she has a L, I highly suggest your retain your own. Let them go back and forth and remove yourself from the negotiations. It will cost you money, but if you don't protect yourself, it will likely cost you more later.
I'm sure you have an idea how much she makes. Did you have your L run the numbers for you in regards to SS and CS? During our second separation, knowing this information was invaluable.
I realize this isn't exactly DB'ing, however it all ties together.
Agree with LITB.
The more you KNOW, the less you have to FEAR.
My L is just engaged now. had initial meeting last week and without going into too much detail I am in a tough situation as she hasnt worked in 10 years and I have supported the family. It will be tough for me all around but I want to make sure my duaghter doesnt suffer a bit. W is so selfish and has no clue the impact on her. Keeps using the "resilient " word....too much reading.
Would mommy have taken her sledding today with all the kids in 3 ft of snow? Not this mommy....
LITB I haven't agreed to anything and L said she isn't leaving the state with my daughter so no fear there. W isn't planning on it right now but I know she wants that to happen sooner than later...not on my watch.
L will be running the numbers and I will be "up the creek" but not really focused on this. Just trying to continue to DB and keep my cool thru this.
I try to stay positive but am a realist. She asked her lawyer to get the papers going so she will be filing. I have to figure things out once the lawyers start their dance as I don't sense the brakes being put on.
I read so much about so many people regretting the big D a year later and wish they worked harder to make things work. I told her months ago before this got really bad, "make sure you don't have regrets". Big sigh
DONT LEAVE THE HOUSE....Listen to the others. Listen to Sandi and LIBT. My ex thought she was getting everything. I was planning on a homeless shelter..it didnt go that way thank God. I was scared and felt hopeless and helpless just like you... it will work out either way...so put your feelings and fears aside for a bit. Look in Nurtured Heart Approach as to how to react.
Rick/Azzork/LITB
Thx all for your kind advice. Not leaving the house (yet)...unless its part of our agreement but don't think I want to anyway
Even if it costs me a ton year 1 as its just too much for me to handle right now.
Whats the Nurtured Heart approach?
I also agree with not leaving the house. My XW dropped a few bombs over the years and every time she did I told her that I wasn't leaving my bedroom or my home because I want the marriage and I haven't done anything wrong (she was actually unfaithful several times while I never was).
I am now divorced...and the house is mine.
thanks again
No house departure.
So been focusing on GAL'ing as she is an active person and has stuff going on always and I am more of a home body although comparing things to her is not fair as I am more active than most my friends
She loves tennis and plays a ton. I have said in the past I wanted to play but she always ignored it a bit and sometimes gave me a hard time that i should play. I was like "I will....lets do this in the winter". Then it would go ignored and I would never do anything about it
So I decided to start tennis in a meet up group and start soon. She is like "why would you start this now when you would never play or have interest in the past?"
I was like...uh....you never wanted me to play and just weren't listening
REvisionist history continues.....
It really stinks when they rewrite history!
Ditto. The revisionist history drives me batty. Enjoy learning to play tennis. Sounds like a great way to meet some new people.
The nurtured heart approach is different way as to how you talk to children. You dont get angry and you make your statement with no emotion. You dont energize the negatives by pointing them out..
Rich, you need to stop playing this role of a victim. Refuse it! No matter who lives where.......you will come through this and will build a new life. Get rid of the attitude that she's going to be living it up in a good neighborhood, enjoying all the luxuries, while you are a homeless bum on the streets. Get your focus off that kind of vision b/c it will turn you into a very bitter old man who nobody wants to be around. Find a healthy way to vent that anger.
Sandi2-
Amen to that.....just having a really tough weekend with the snow, neighborhood, fun....
And worried my daughter will see visiting me if not around this neighborhood as not fun etc.... Natural things to think about....
I can't worry about that stuff right now I guess and need to focus on me. Thanks all for the cold water in the face...need to be woken up now and then
Besides the love for my WAW, my daughter is the #1 focus of my heart and love my 2 dogs
I will figure this out....I just need to work with my L to know where i stand and take it from there. She didn't rush to the alter to marry (did this late in life) but is rushing to the D so I need to be prepared more.
Besides the love for my WAW myself, my daughter is the #1 focus of my heart and love my 2 dogs
Fixed this for you, rich
A-
I hear ya and trying to shut that down. After actually you doing that...I realized how ANGRY and RESENTFUL I am of her lately
is that natural? I guess. My brother who has been a sounding board for me said she is acting out now as she is angry with me about what she considers to be the past injustices in our relationship. Me checking out, me doing this and that...
But I am just as angry right now with her as she is leaving not me regardless of the past.
rich,
I know a lot of ppl will tell you to not look into an A because it doesn't, or shouldn't really change the approach. But if you are seriously worried about having your clock cleaned in court, having that knowledge could be extremely beneficial for you as a negotiating tool.
As I stated earlier, in PA you can file a D under no-fault or a fault-based meaning that if she wants to file against you, and she files a no-fault, it becomes a fairly mutual D.
did you know that if one person wants a D and files under "irreconcilable differences" and the other doesn't want a D, that is actually considered an "irreconcilable difference?"
If She wants to file that way (which is the ONLY way she can file if you haven't given her any reason to file a "fault" claim), there will be little you can do about things regarding the D. You hope that your L does his best to protect you, your interests and your assets.
What if your W actually was having an A, though? legally, you have some options now. Your L could counter file with a fault-based claim which would protect your assets to a much greater degree. Your L could also threaten to counter file as leverage to get more of what you want. No one wants their dirty laundry aired out in that way, especially if you live in a nice neighborhood with good friends that W would like to keep.
DBing wise, knowing or not knowing shouldn't change the way you approach your sitch: You should be GALing and setting boundaries.
legally, KNOWING an A exists could benefit you greatly, but ask your L, they'll know better than I do.
Mowgli
Spoke with lawyer and she was very blunt that any A in my situation isn't going to move the needle. She said for my own state of mind if I wanted to dig deeper go for it but it won't change my sitch
JUST got an email from her that was BRUTAL "I can't live like this with you after this past weekend (snowed in) and you either have to move out or I am being forced to move out and take our D".
Threats.....nice. Forwarded to my L Ugh Making me vomit
Rich,
Glad you have the answer and glad you're just redirecting the spew to the L. That's what needs to happen and that's what you pay her for!!
Remember that you can't control her actions. We have to make ourselves happy first and foremost and if she's not happy, that's not directly your fault.
Same thing applies to you: make yourself happy first, and positive things will follow!!
Its been a horrible AM
She is asking me to get out and threatening getting a place on her own and taking the daughter.
I am not going to just fold to her threats. I have to have my L engage & help me navigate.
Yes, if she wants to leave, she can do that, but don't let her take D.
Let the L handle it!! Hang in there, man!!
Rich,
Breath. Do not reply to her threats. Nothing you say will satisfy her.
Like Mowgli has said, utilize your L. She cannot simply just pick up and leave with your D. Do your best to keep your cool.
Trying my fellow DBers...trying
I am just keeping my cool and not really responding much to the emails and now she wants to discuss custody tonight too since i am "forcing her" to move out
I have a call with my L today. I am not going anywhere for now without legal advice
What a day.
Rich4j,
Dude, you need to realize that the woman you're talking to is no longer the woman you married. Literally an evil alien has inhabited her body - she looks the same, but has been possessed.
Truly, that is what happened to my wife. Sounds like you're struggling with that.
In my situation, my W was/is spewing to cover her own affair, her own sin. D is the answer, since being with you reminds her of what she is doing.
Was your wife a very loyal wife, did she talk about other people cheating on their spouses, what did she say? My wife was always the very loyal sort. She liked to have a good time, but inside, when we married, when we've had our deepest discussions, it was always a 'good girl' who was scared of what might happen. That has tremendous integrity.
Then her brain fell out of her head.
If you ready my last post, someone might have picked her brain up and gave it back to her. We'll see.
I just know I've been in your place. It really is tough. You need to find ways to cope - go for walks, find a counselor, talk to your closest friends, etc. It sounds like you really care. That's good, but right now, you caring would be putting gas on the fire.
Call the lawyer. Protect yourself. But just realize anytime you converse with your wife you are most likely putting gas on the fire. The less you converse with her, the less likely the fire will grow.
Loyal wife...from though a cheating family with dad/brother
Regardless if there is a secret A, I am past that now and don't really care.
She just let me know the divorce complain will be coming this week so I need to decide if I stay and they go our not. I am so upset and can't focus on anything
I know its over but wanted to do this the right way for my D but she is way off now.
Do the material things really matter? When you are with someone that you care about, I would be willing to give everything up to get that person back. Everyone starts with nothing when they get older and graduate. What makes any of our sitches any different? Make yourself happy and the successes will come to you.
there is no reason you should leave. She can not just take your D either. Get a L involved and let them do the work. Seriously.
You can humor her and let her talk to you, but if she even mentions less than 50/50 just stop her there and tell her you do not feel that is fair. If she fights you then be done and let the L work
It is now a business transaction.
Before the holidays I was getting to a much better place overall and then the bomb of D was dropped.
Today has put me back there in terms of being in a fog, feeling like I am going to vomit and just lost.
I will take my L advice and continue to DB although it really is just for me now even more than before. Stay calm and think of my D. I can't wait to hug her when I get home tonight and put her to bed.
She is with me this weekend as my STBX (i think I did that abbreviation right? I need some humor today) will be going to Boston to see her divorce friends and will plan to have a great wekeend with my D and dogs.
She just let me know the divorce complain will be coming this week so I need to decide if I stay and they go our not. I am so upset and can't focus on anything
I know its over but wanted to do this the right way for my D but she is way off now.
What did your L say about staying in the house?
What did your L say about custody?
Did you have your L run the numbers?
The reality is your old M/R is dead. It wasn't working. You can't argue that, otherwise you wouldn't be here. I find that many people are motivated to change if/when they have lost or are about to lose something dear. Myself included. Dust yourself off and get back on the path of healing. Life isn't going to wait for you my friend.
Whether you have a new M/R with your W or with new person, you have to improve your relationship skills. The more tools you have at your disposal, the better off you will be in the future. The feeling you have right now, should motivate you to never return to this living he11.
See, most of us come here in hopes of saving our M/R. What we find is that we must first save ourselves. Similar to the instructions we receive at the beginning of a flight. You must first put your oxygen on, before putting it on your children.
I realize today is difficult and these feelings that you are experiencing suk. Sadly, it is part of the journey. We are here to support you and you will overcome this. You gotta believe. I've seen it happen.
thx LITB for the kind words.
L said don't leave
L said if she takes her and tries to move out, we will file an emergency custody action.
L is running the numbers and she said I am in a tough spot so prepare for the worst (W hasn't worked for 10 years)
I just need things to cool down and was told don't discuss this with her...just listen. And L said don't discuss back with her, digest it, and consult with the L
Once I receive the divorce complaint, things will start to happen between L's.
And so the saga continues.
Great advice from your L. You have the template. You are going to do great.
Thanks....
My life a few months ago was turned upside down & it feels even worse right now. I have come to terms obviously that this is coming to an end. Forever? Don't really care right now as I can't think about anything but this is toast and deal with it in that mindset.
I am not going to show my inner sadness, anger or resentment anymore. Accept reality, be OK with it outward ,and figure out how I move forward with my life.
IT is ALOT to process (living, $$$, daughter, dogs, work, life) especially with a STBX that is on high alert , filing and wants to push me out the door asap
I know this will hit me hard soon and just have to prepare for the huge wave of sadness.
I just don't want to rush this with my daughter and have read how to tell your child about divorce & have asked my STBX that we need to go talk with a counselor first on this and not tell her too soon or too late
This is so hard. I closing my eyes hoping its a bad dream ....
So STBX was bossy, mean and downright a bully after I got home from work. My D was upstairs getting ready for bed as she went on about how I need to get out of the house as she can't take this anymore.
I listened, explained I was not leaving and that we should keep our space from each other and let the lawyers initially figure out what we can do (we just both got L's). Not an easy house situation but I have read others here that have done this dance
She said over and over I wish you had listened months ago and moved out as asked and maybe we wouldn't be in this spot. I can't go back in the time machine anyway but perhaps if I did and discovered DB'ing things could be different. But that really is the past....not sure she wouldn't have filed anyway
This board is very much my crutch right now besides 2 other closies to me that I have trusted with what is going on (1 being my bro).
Not sulking, not wheeping, not really caring....just going about my business, loving my dogs, myself and D. Thanks for all the advice over the last day or so...it is so valuable and keeping me going.
Amen to that.....just having a really tough weekend with the snow, neighborhood, fun....
I can only imagine.
And worried my daughter will see visiting me if not around this neighborhood as not fun etc.... Natural things to think about....
I think parents these days are too concerned about entertaining their kids. She will just want to be with you. What could be better than daddy's attention?
She didn't rush to the alter to marry (did this late in life) but is rushing to the D so I need to be prepared more.
Unfortunately, it's a common description of what we see around here.
Sandi2
thx....i realize it would be great to control what my D thinks and how she reacts to this all but I just can't.
It is too exhausting. I am physically exhausted (lost about 10 lbs ) and mentally....almost hit a van the other day being in a fog. Shoveling out of 30in snow didn't help either with my STBX in the house ready to jump at any inequity she saw for the day
She calmed down a bit today and started sending me emails of our on/off weekend plans sharing time with our D and getting away over the next few months which means maybe she understands she can't throw me out for now or run with my D
Papers are coming she told me so I guess this is for real. Those who have gone thru this can probably feel my angst coming thru the computer.
She said over and over I wish you had listened months ago and moved out as asked and maybe we wouldn't be in this spot.
Be in what spot? Youd be out on your ass and shed be nice and cozy curled up in your house?
thx....i realize it would be great to control what my D thinks and how she reacts to this all but I just can't.
It is too exhausting. I am physically exhausted (lost about 10 lbs ) and mentally....almost hit a van the other day being in a fog. Shoveling out of 30in snow didn't help either with my STBX in the house ready to jump at any inequity she saw for the day
I wonder if it's just me or if you misinterpret my posts?
I was trying to encourage you not to worry about your child not wanting to go wherever you live.
Sandi2- it's me...all over the map but appreciate your kind words.
I know she will be happy to just be with me. I am going to encourage my STBX to go to co parenting counseling with me. The questions from a 6 yr old will come and we need to be on the same page.....
And Azzork- i chuckled with your response & totally agree that I would "out in the cold" if I followed that path....but glad she threw out that knife for me to try to walk into....
Hi rich!
You are paying for a L for a reason. Let go of what the L is working on and refocus your thought train to you. She is bullying you and trying to control you and you are getting pulled into the madness. You have the power to rise above it all. Focus on your 6 year old and your new life. The life where you are in control and having fun and working on you that has nothing to do with her.
Agree Mona.
The mirage of any R is gone and I expect to have the D papers tomorrow or this weekend. She is angry....taking jabs whenever she can. That moment will be kind of surreal for me getting the D papers...reality
Thankfully she has calmed down around "I am out of here or you are" as I think her L talked sense into her.
Took D to dinner tonight. Kid says "you are the best daddy in the world"....almost made me cry. I looked around and saw other families together at dinner (whether happy or not :-)) & really got sad more for her than me. What an innocent kid and just don't want her life messed up from this....that is all I am guarding against right now. And keeping my mind and heart from going backwards again to the hurtful place of the last 4+ months
Rich
I know the feelings looking around. I won't sugar coat this. As having a childhood like this I feel the pain of divorce and wish I didn't grow up that way as I missed my dad, but i was also 6 hours away from him.
I know this affects my kids, but I think they handle it quite well. Please be there for them, but don't let that fear hold you too hard. I had that bad for a while.
I look back now and I do believe while yes I was worried about them a lot, I was also using them as a crutch for me not wanting to accept the reality of what was happening to me as well.
I feel I have held on to a lot of hope for maybe too long. I am trying to come to terms with this is over. I don't want to feel the way I do anymore and I am trying to navigate that path.
The kids will know what their lives were like and who played what role. All we can do is make sure we shine for them, not over any one, but for them.
Kind words otw
I cant change the sitch so I have to deal with it and make the best of it.
I really have gotten over the personal stuff that will come from the D in the embarrassment of telling friends, family co-workers etc....finances , life upheaval and just focused on my D
We really don't know the impact until the kids are older and all the research I have read is not positive on D but its up to me on trying to make it as best a situation as possible for her
Its a sadness that is buried in my gut daily....I have to move past it eventually but I don't let her see me not smile For those with multiple children, I really feel for you all! ugh....scotch please.
cheers. Wine here for the night!
Those who have gone thru this can probably feel my angst coming thru the computer.
Yes indeed. The angst has become a common theme in your thread. Read up on The Stockdale Paradox. Perhaps you will find it to be helpful.
Will do....my sitch is at code level red with another incident last night from STBX that I don't care to write about...too painful
Wish she would pack up and go at this point. I will continue to linger here as I muddle thru this difficult time and try to get myself out of the D fog. Going to look into some local D support groups...I need it
I feel for you man. Now would be a great time for you to do a search on The Stockdale Paradox. Let us know what you think.
I read it..interesting. Keeping the optimism going but being realistic....and honest with yourself if I read it correctly.
I am trying man....trying.
Yes, you got it. Hope it was helpful to you.
I know you struggling a lot today. Any GAL activities on the agenda today?
Going to a "meet up group" aorund my profession this evening so I don't have to be near the home
Big struggles right now. Have time alone in house with D starting Fri-Sun
I hear you and feel your pain and frustration rich4j. My sitch is similar with WW spewing venom everywhere. Not the same person I knew as late as just a few months ago. Hang in there. Hope things improve for you.
thansk G8r hope your sitch gets better..mine is not
Q for anyone going thru separation or D with Daughters?
It feels strange right now as my STBX is making spending time and doing things with her a bit as a contest...it feels strange.
I am so worried about a daughter wanting to spend more time with her mom which is natural. She is also daddy's girl (in my mind...) but I am losing sleep over things i can't control.
Any advice ???
thansk G8r hope your sitch gets better..mine is not
Q for anyone going thru separation or D with Daughters?
It feels strange right now as my STBX is making spending time and doing things with her a bit as a contest...it feels strange.
I am so worried about a daughter wanting to spend more time with her mom which is natural. She is also daddy's girl (in my mind...) but I am losing sleep over things i can't control.
Any advice ???
It's about recognizing what you can control. It makes me happy when my daughter says she does stuff with mommy, because I want her to have a good relationship with both parents.
Of course it will feel like a contest for now, but just focus on being the best parent you can be.
And remember, it's early days. Things wont stay in this state of chaos forever.
It is chaos
SHE FILE and RECEIVED THE divorce papers today...wow.....what a hit in the gut!
She wants primary custody. Have to consult with L tomorrow as I want to ensure joint. Fun times....ugh
I'm sorry bud.
try t turn off emotions and go into business mode.
Sorry, rich.
I just got my papers last night. I really is a hit in the gut.
Ciluzen
I am having a drink with you right now virtually....to better times.
In business mode big time.....L convo tomorrow.
Man...how real it has gotten with the papers. Makes me want to puke.
how real it has gotten with the papers.
Just remember, the physical act of being DIVORCED doesnt really change anything.
Point of fact: XW and her L went into court to file some kind of petition on a Monday. On Thursday, XW asked me about house refinancing stuff, and I said it needed to wait until D was final. Her reply was that it was finalized on the Monday! I actually lived my life for 4 days as a divorcee without even knowing it!
The point is that the legal part of it doesnt really mean anything. It just changes how you report your status to the government.
I understand the pain you are going through today, and I urge you to go easy on yourself. But at the same time, remember that its just a piece of paper.
I am so worried about a daughter wanting to spend more time with her mom which is natural. She is also daddy's girl (in my mind...) but I am losing sleep over things i can't control.
Not necessarily. Just b/c she's a girl doesn't mean she'd rather be with her mother.
I agree with Sandi
Mine prefers me.
Sorry to hear about the papers rich4j. It certainly knocks the wind out of you even if you are expecting it. Hope you're able to come to some agreement about your daughter. Vaya con dios.
Its a weird day but handling it well I think
Helped D with homework and making sure I am helping tonight with bath etc..
Strange day. STBX is making D dinner and is like aren't you going to eat with us tonight? And has a trip planned and is talking to me about some of the issues she may have on this trip I was like in my "hey...you just served me with divorce papers, I ain't your friend right now"
But I simply smiled and said I will eat with you both and didn't really hear much of her other noise.
And thanks Sandi2 for your note and my condolences as I read a few posts just today catching up....you are an amazing person and hope you can continue to stay strong.
So had a LONG talk with the L and feel alot better although my STBX continues to push me to get out. Not happening..... And when I say feel better, it is not in a happy smiley way...just that I know what I am heading into.
Strange happenings though with STBX as I have DB'ing all the way to the finish line. She is visiting friends this weekend again and kept telling me what she was doing this upcomign weekend and there is a risky situation she is helping a friend with and she asked "aren't you concerned or worried for me?"
I said I think you will be fine ......and carried on. She made a "geez type" noise and walked out.
Of course I care but I am trying to detach as she just gave me divorce papers!!!
I'm glad that the talk with your L has relieved some of your anxiety. It makes a world of difference.
Good for you on your response. I believe, her hoping for a reaction of concern from you, is her way of doing a temp check. Probably not consciously. Same thing with her behavior about dinner a couple of days ago. This is unknown territory for her too. She is trying to navigate her way through. Just like you. She likely gets a sense of comfort knowing that you are there.
Anyway, what is next on the agenda for you? Aside from the legal aspect.
Yes..anxiety would be a kind word right now
She definitely is feeling her way through this and has no clue about living space, getting a job, etc.....just keeps thinking it will all work out somehow.
I can only take it day by day right now as this is hard. Me and the D are spending the weekend together so concentrating on making that the best it can be. Then its all about planning out how I get from point A (the big D) to just even B (finances, living , custody etc...)
Hope your sitch is on the upswing LITB
I can only take it day by day right now as this is hard. Me and the D are spending the weekend together so concentrating on making that the best it can be. Then its all about planning out how I get from point A (the big D) to just even B (finances, living , custody etc...)
Day by day is good. It starts with one step at a time. We must crawl, before we learn how to walk. Same concept applies here.
I admit, I had the same fears. More often than not, our fears are worse than reality. You probably don't see it right now, however you are doing well. At least from where I sit.
Hope your sitch is on the upswing LITB
I certainly cannot complain. As painful as the mess was, it helps us not to take things for granted. My W and I have both grown significantly. That is what life is all about. GROWTH. And our children are doing well. Whatever I can offer to encourage you, please ask.
That is what life is all about. GROWTH. And our children are doing well. Whatever I can offer to encourage you, please ask.
Glad your sitch is working towards the positive
Strange evening. Now that I am headed for the big D, I notice different things with couples and families
My daughter and I went out to dinner tonight and I was very observant at the families in the restaurant. I look around now to see the dynamics and observe. Saw a few other what looked like "single" M/W with their children (they did not have rings on but that doesn't mean they are necessarily single) and then also observed some other "families'.
One family in particular looked miserable The W and H had zero interaction, the kids were on their iphones and it looked like a rain cloud over their table. I never had that with my tribe and wanted to go over to the table and throw cold water on both the H/W to say "wake up"!!! Love each other, cherish each other, make it special!
How life has changed ...in a good way at least in this regard.
I do feel though a huge void hitting me like a ton of bricks now that things are "real" for the divorce
Not sure if others who have been in my sitch have felt the same way at least at the end of the finish legally with divorce coming.....as Azzork has said on paper
Its been around 7 months of being really lonely. I miss my W where I could share my day, thoughts, the good and bad, and also the intimacy. Been the longest time I can remember I have been this "alone" in so long. Hard for me to say now but as I woke up this am I felt again a real sadness and loneliness
It will be hard to open up again to anyone for a while I think and while I can't even think about dating again, being close to someone, etc... I miss not only my partner but a partner. How do you get over that hump?
Rich, have you thought about a divorce support group of a divorce recovery workshop? Not sure where you are, but try googling rebuilding workshops or DRW and see what comes up. It has helped me to meet a group of people in similar circs, and there tends to be a social scene afterwards too - and lots of support. Much better than moving into dating too early I think.
If I feel lonely now, I tend to use that time to fix up some new things for myself - either in the way of GAL, meeting friends or support.
Take care xx
I can definetly relate about the loneliness. My ex took my child and my dogs 2 days before hurricane Sand hit and destroyed my state. She never told me where she moved to. That was the last time I saw her or had any interaction. It took some time to not feel lonely. I did a lot of things to keep me busy. I began to enjoy being alone so that concerned me. At that point I started dating it felt right.
Take your time. Learn to enjoy your alone time. Dont look at it as being abandoned. This is a very painful experience but you will learn to deal with things and life very differently. The freedom to do what ever became exciting and concerning...Gal my friend
thx Sotto....that is a great idea
I think once the dust settles a bit more over the next few weeks heading into March I will find some groups. I did a search and found some divorce meet ups and others in the area ....that will be helpful.
------------------------
Me: 49
Her: 53
Married: 10yrs
1 D6
Issues back in 2011/2012 Counseling
8/2015 ILYBNILWY I don't know what's wrong
Didn't start DB'ing until too late
1/28/16 Got D papers
Working on the D
Still live under the same roof
Rick...that is crazy! Sounds like you are a NJ guy...neighbor in PA
I would have freaked out if my W did that right now...she has threatened but ....
I have plans most of the every other weekends as I plan ahead but it is still lonely in terms of the day to day interactions we used to have and "family group hug". I do have my bro/wife who have been there for me and only one other friend I have told who is a good support person
-----------------------
Me: 49
Her: 53
Married: 10yrs
1 D6
Issues back in 2011/2012 Counseling
8/2015 ILYBNILWY I don't know what's wrong
Didn't start DB'ing until too late
1/28/16 Got D papers
Working on the D
Still live under the same roof
I have that question too. I miss my x so much but also want a partner. The problem is I'm still in love with x and not a single person am I attracted to!
Yup the Soprano state. Not only that they left 2 days before the hurricane and didnt know where they moved to I was forcefully evacuated. I ended up in a shelter with thousands of strangers. I survived and so will you my friend. Be good to yourself. Healing from this takes time. Im on year 5 and have adjusted ok to the major changes. Once you have a hold of your fears things will look better
I miss my x so much but also want a partner. The problem is I'm still in love with x and not a single person am I attracted to!
Tamj- it's hard. And I guess that is the whole idea of trying to detach but that probably takes a good amount of time.
I know it will in my case but this has gone on for 7 months and I am hitting a weird stage of anger/resentment some days and then seeing her in the rear view mirror
I ended up in a shelter with thousands of strangers.
wow...rick. Your a strong man going thru that and glad you are good. 5 years...geez...can't even picture that right now
Had a good day with my daughter seeing amovie/dinner and hanging all weekend.
One of my neighbors who has no idea what is going on saw me out for dinner with her and was like "hey where is the W?...she is traveling alot? " I was like..yeah....lots going on. Weird situation
But what made my heart sink was that my D who was having a great time looks at me at dinner and goes..."I miss mommy"....I wish she was here with us and not traveling so much (she is out of town by choice fyi).
I can't get mad....a bit sad.....and that I really have to understand this will be the new normal until we explain the situation which I know will crush her. She has a bunch of sketches of us all together...holding hands....just like others kids with the dogs and it says a "happy family"...... I think this is the saddest part of this ordeal.
This [censored]! I want to fight, I want to claw, and get my WAW back and the D papers sit on my desk
I reread the 180 stuff and I am on death row "Per Se" in marriage land and I feel hopeless for "us"...not me
My D drew a picture today of the family which said "I love my family". I had to leave the room and go cry.....she only has seen me cry once as a dad
Then had to go look at some places to live without her and I just don't know how this will ever work.
I almost want to shake my WAW and ask her "Do you know what you are doing here!!!"
Venting.
Vent away, Rich. That's what these boards are for.
I can't stand that we have to deal with L. I even told my H I couldn't believe that he'd rather throw money at Ls to rip everything we have apart than to give money to someone to help us work on our M.
None of it makes sense...yet it does in that pain makes you desperate to find an end to it, one way or the other. I'm sorry your kiddo has to deal with it. Mine are adults, and it still is tearing them up.
We can get through this because we have to.
I can't stand that we have to deal with L. I even told my H I couldn't believe that he'd rather throw money at Ls to rip everything we have apart than to give money to someone to help us work on our M.
Exactly L costs might be £2000 not contested on my case.
I think we 3 have similar sitchs - mine is a WAW who has served me D papers. At the mo I am Inhouse separated.
I think we 3 have similar sitchs - mine is a WAW who has served me D papers. At the mo I am Inhouse separated.
Not fun isittoolate......
Especially in the same house. How are you handling things with being in the same residence? We are trying to alternate weekends to be "out of town" or doing things with our daughter separately. She/daughter is starting to pick up on this as we have co parenting cousnleing coming up in 2 weeks.
I initiated this as my STBX thinks she has it down in terms of what is best for our daughter in terms of explaining this which is hogwash.
I don't want to be in the same house but we can't rush thru this although she wants me to get an apartment. L said no way....not until we have things agreed to....
I am re-reading tonight the 180 stuff but I know in my heart I need to continue to detach and detach
I'm sorry to hear your picture story. I know that is hard. I've had to leave the room a few times when my D3 says or does something screaming happy family and the only reason I don't see the same is because WW wants a D rather than working to repair M.
I feel your pain there. I hope things work for you and your child.
[quote=G8r]. I've had to leave the room a few times when my D3 says or does something screaming happy family and the only reason I don't see the same is because WW wants a D rather than working to repair M.
G- it's so hard. She (WAW) is causing so much pain and I can see my daughter starting to question everything. I am traveling all next week which is very unusual and she asked if I could stay and not go...started crying. Its ripping my heart out & building such a big storm of resentment with my STBX.
While I pine for a potential R with WAW, if I am being honest with myself it would be so hard to accept that path w/out such hesitation. One of the closies who knows my sitch asked me "what if she said, I am messed up and miss you and want to try to make this work"...could I? I hesitated. Thought about it.....and yes...I would want to try and invest whatever I needed to reconnect but never had hesitatation before....
Just remember, when it does come time to tell your D6, Don't let W sweep it under the rug saying something like this was a mutual decision.
D6 is old enough that she can understand some of those things. If it is a one-way D, make a stand and tell W that she needs to tell D6 that it is HER that wants the D.
sounds rough, but maybe it would be enough to make her reconsider.
She wont go for that and we have counseling in 2 weeks on this...I am not sure I am onboard yet with that either
I will hear what the counselor says as at least at the age of 6 I want to keep things in a happy place and not start throwing blame. I can explain the sitch as she gets older but not really sure how best to handle this today
I would love to throw her under the bus and emotions may go that route but i dont want her taking sides and us having a touch custody situation of a sad kid who will be sad to begin with..
Tough situation
It's not throwing her under the bus to say that she chose to get the divorce. You don't (and shouldn't) tell kids the sordid details, but it's also important to let them know some of the realities.
And as Mowgli points out, if your W can't handle saying she chose to end you marriage, maybe she's not ready yet.
rich4j,
My decision to tell D14, S12, and D7 that mom was divorcing dad was tough, but I made a choice to show that I was still wanting to see the family together. I also said I loved W, W loved them, I loved them, and it wasn't their fault. Also, to love the sinner, not the sin.
W's narrative would have been that I had given her 15 years of crap, therefore it was OK to cheat. Not a great witness for Christ from a Christian who holds herself to very high standards.I truly don't know what she would have said in front of the kids, but it would have been along the lines that we both wanted a D, which just isn't true.
I don't know if you're Christian, or what you feel on divorce, but it feels like you don't have your feet really stable underneath you. You need to tell them from a position of strength, and from a viewpoint that isn't in the middle of a hurt locker.
No sense in discussing anything until you're served - rich, did you get served yet?
Also - I never thought of packing the Marriage in, until things had been bad for about a month. Once I found the EA, and the W was ready to D, after grieving a lot, I found myself actually thinking 'would life be better without her?'. I got to the point that yes, it would be, but I still believe in marriage, and in having one wife for life. So, I come back to that all the time, and won't compromise. If my wife does D me, I will have to move on. I won't agree with it, but that is the sitch I'm in. Keep that in mind.
thanks...I dont have solid footing right now. Papers are served and she is pushing the D
I am going to hear what our therapist has to offer and really digest things before I do anything. She hasn't had an EA from what i could uncover but I could also just be blind to this all I do think if she did I would "eventually" let my Daughter know..right now it wouldn't mean much to her.
Not religious but spiritual in my beliefs. I don't believe in D and she has and will blame me for how we got here.
Trumpet-same house with the D...we are unfortunately in the same sitch in that respect I wish you the best of luck and keeping your sanity thru this all!
Always tough in the same house, but can you stand tall every day, and when she spews, you can screen the junk, and be able to see it for what it is?
Anger has a way of taking any good intentions and twisting them.
Try to find all the pride you have and keep a very good lid on it. My pride killed me the first 2 months. I have self-respect, but pride can prevent true change from happening.
Try to find all the pride you have and keep a very good lid on it. My pride killed me the first 2 months.
How did it kill you? Said things you should not have or didn't say things you wanted to?
There are so many things i want to say right now to her as the anger and pride I have are all bottled up but timing is everything and now is not the time. We continue to get into a few twists here and there and I won't take the bait.
I am traveling all this week which is again unusual as I have a few times in the past 2 months which is OK as I am not there but miss my little angel daughter. It is weird as I used to always text my W when i landed when flying and then every night to see how her day was etc.....just different now and bit empty. At least I have my daughter to say hi to at night ...