V is for Vanilla 27 - DivorceBusting.com

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Foo led

abuse resource with Zelda series

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V

V,

I'm so sorry for your loss. Would it help if you shared what made him such a good friend with us? It won't take the hurt away, but it might mingle with some joy

Take as many virtual hugs from me as you like - I've got a ton to give and few people to give them to.

Yes that would be lovely, I will take as many hugs as I can get Sci, just send them my way. I love hugs, and I just want you to have plenty of huggables in your life. Do you have a woofie or a BFT (big furry thing) that you can borrow? Do get one on loan.

---------------------

My friend

My friend was the best man with H2, and he warmly welcomed me into his family life and befriended me. He and his W managed to remain friends with H2 and I equally, and never judged H2 about his choices. He was madly in love with his W at all times, and would hold her hand for hours.

I needed some sales skills in my business and my friend pointed me to some great resources, introduced new clients and was so supportive.

I don't think I ever heard him say one judgemental word about anyone ever.

If he gave you his opinion it was always constructive and said with the best intentions, although sometimes quite quirky.

He was a great salesman but poor business man, with crazy crazy ideas that he got so enthusiastic about. Most of them failed but one day........

He was painfully thin, I think I have never seen anyone so tall and skinny. He was angular with sharp bones, his W and kids could only sit on his knee if there was a cushion. His socks always had big holes even the ones purchased yesterday.

He could make the room rock with laughter.

He smoked like a chimney and drank beer like it was going out of fashion, how did he stay so thin? I once saw him eat five bacon sandwiches with ketchup. There was never any food left over after any meal. He would always wash up, and had a disdain for dishwashers.

Above all WH disliked him but it never bothered my friend and his W, just never mind.

He was a gentleman with a mischievous mind. He loved games like monopoly, you know 'proper games'

He hated net curtains and soap operas on tv. He always lived near to the sea as he loved it so much.

He suffered with bottom burps which he thought were hilarious. My cats would sleep on their bed if they came to stay. Which was very bad indeed for bottom burping. Good job I live in the country.

Above all he always had time for a text or hi.

V

Sounds like someone we all do with in our lives. Your very lucky to have had him in yours

More hugs. Rd. xx

Sorry to read you lost a friend. Those sort are hard to loose.

It's a hard job to offer someone help without being too critical and destructive in your observations. Your gunna miss him, sounds like his wife will be very lost too. Perhaps keep her close and you will both find some comfort.

V,

Thank you for sharing, and my heart goes out to you.

Your friend sounded like a lovely man and more importantly a dear friend. One great thing about people that are truly good souls - they tend to stick with you long after they've passed. Embrace the pain, but allow him to revisit your thoughts when you need him to encourage or support you.

Sorry for your loss, V. Sounds like he was a truly lovely person who was very special. Hang in there, sweet lady.

So sorry for you loss V.

(Hugs)

Hello gorgeous V,

As the years go by and I and I look back into the road I have walked, I can see that death is another stage in this life.

It's more like a celebration of the time we are here among friends, families, and even the ones that do not like or treat us well.

Being away from all my family and friends from Brasil, made me see death as a way to remember all the good that was left. The bad washes away and we cheer for the things that touched our heart.

I know its one way of looking at something so devastating, but it is the eyes of the heart that can see at the time we just have the fog of grief.

Just let your heart see the beauty and embrace the feeling that your friend went on a trip, a better place, maybe the piece that we all want so much.

Lots of love to your V.

Pink

Vanilla, I am very sorry to read about your friends passing.

Hi V

I am so sorry for the loss of your friend

Sending hugs
(((((((VANILLA ))))))))

Please if you get the chance can you link me to the Foo thread I cannot find it

Much love
Gary (Ghost)

L sent me an email, she is going bull dog on WH, he seems to be living with Maggotroni his latest OW abroad and doesn't want to respond to any correspondence, including acknowledging my D petition.

I really want to move on with my life and don't want to date until D.

This could take a lot of time.

At least I am safe, if he is abroad.

V

I'm glad to hear he is abroad V. Yes my father did something quite similar with my parents legal separation. Controlling till the end. The end will come V. May it be sooner rather than later. You deserve some peace. Jelly xxx

Hi V, How are you today?

Working hard Sci, it's tax year end and my clients tax affairs come first.

31 January 2016 at midnight it's done for another year.

I will pop on over to visit.

V

I think I need a bf.

The sap is rising.

Spring is round the corner........

GG, I NEED your help.

V

Tell me how to be sassy, wear kick ass heels.

I am going to buy new fancy frillies and mascara.

I am going back dancing after tax year end is over.

V

Ooooooo V I love buying frillies....that is good news V, kick those super sexy legs and heels up!

Jelly

(((((V)))))

V, so sorry for the loss of your friend.

Hugs and prayers to you. You were lucky to have him as a friend, and I am sure he was equally lucky to have you in his life.

Be vanilla. That will be enough.

I had left behind parts of me for the sake of the m, well I thought that was what h wanted.

It's good that your natural levels are returning. Tbh your h is truely gone and hasn't done much work. The only reason your still married by the sounds is because he left the country and is stalling.

If you want to date, if you want to move on and not stand then that's entirely your choice.

And before you ask my L made a promise again and again didn't follow thru

Gg

I decided that I won't date until May 2, the anniversary, (if I can). WH will stall forever if he thinks that gives him control over V. WH knows that I will stand for M until D day. I have dropped the rope a long time ago although the abuse leaves me in a difficult place when dating. So I am concerned about how I will feel. How did you cope Gg? If Schermann was around I would ask him as he moved on eventually to date so if you are lurking Schermann it would be interesting to know.

A counter move by WH to stay M to have control if he think it will give him more Fins.

Thank you Sci I love hugs, especially big ones with tight squeezes.

FO it was my friends funeral yesterday and I couldn't go as it's tax year end. I am planning to visit the grave next week to pay my respects.

Forty returns by midnight tomorrow, wish me luck. Almost all of the last remaining returns have nil to pay.

I may not post until Monday although I am thinking about my friends here.

V

Jelly as always thank you, if I find some interesting frillies I will let you know.

V

My STBXWH doesn't believe in God or the higher spirit. He isn't even baptised and has never been to church even as a child.

He believes religion of any kind is dogma and pure bunkum.

That is why I have let go as it dawned on me WH is not the best choice for the more spiritual V.

I don't assume that waywards have a moral compass that works. Some may others may not even have one or a conscience.

One of my dreams is that WH is a terminator. Terminator with no feeling or conscience. I guess my sub conscious was trying to tell me something.

I am unafraid, it is my choice to move on.

V

Edit

He says that he believes.......

His beliefs are his choice, as are his actions. My choices are to be sad for that, wish him well and protect myself.

This morning I realise that this target is moving out of the gun sight. I was concerned that I may not withstand a sweet cycle and now I am no longer concerned.

I need a different sort of R with a different sort of man. A man as the most wonderful of the men on this board.

V

And with the choosing comes release. To hear this makes my heart so happy V. It has been coming. And yes the most wonderful men. We are blessed to know them, it allows us to hold faith, but also the blessing of experiencing them.

Travel well on this next part of the journey V. I hope to join you.

Lots of rainbow tummy love (((((V)))))

Jellyxxx

I set my own limits and I thought of it from the pov if xh2 were dead.

I waited what time I needed then started to gal with a view that what ever came along I wouldn't rule out any offers. It's been 2 years in a few days but bf has really only been around 6months.

It's only 4months to your deadline, what if you meet someone?

It's not like you can say just hold on new mr sexy vanilla husband to be! Wait another 4months. I had decided if somthing came along it wouldn't rule it out. And there was a booty call, which doesn't and didn't hurt.

Nilla only you know what works for you. Or what will work as life plays out, we can never know what will happen.

Gg

I am an old bird, and my dashing to lay eggs is going to be very slow.

Like you and many others my WH isn't cooperating on the D.

I really don't know why not. Scrambled eggs, brains, spit.

I thought when he cross filed that he was keen to D. Clearly he isn't that eager.

I just want this over.

I guess MSPV or Mr Sex Pot Vanilla when he shows up is going to be very surprised!

I want to be able to cope as well as my Gg.

V

Spit edit again you and others WS!

Changes the meaning entirely.

V

19 Tax Returns left to do tomorrow.

Hope I can make it.

V

You are making spectacular progress V. Is there a little celebration happening with some cheeeeese and bubbles? Jelly xxx

I go away for a few days and Lady V comes out of hiding! What is all of this talk of laying eggs, and frillies? Oh me, oh my!

My heart is warmed to no end to know that Lady V is back in good health, having her L take hard shots at XH, and taking no BS from him. Good for you V, enough is enough with that man. He needs to be as far away from you as possible and someone worth your time, energy, and love should be close to you.

Sending you big protective hugs my dear Lady V, many of them.

PP

Originally Posted By: JellyB

You are making spectacular progress V. Is there a little celebration happening with some cheeeeese and bubbles? Jelly xxx

When tax year end is over it midnight tonight.

I have worked every day since Boxing Day. It's the season for it.

V

I'll rally some nice NZ cheeeeesee and NZ Pinot Noir, or some bubbles from the Marlborough region here in NZ. It will be a tiny celebration, not to take you off you healthy eating for too long.

Jelly.

PP

There used to be a saying in my day.....

A little seduction and a specific assumption such as "How would you like your eggs in the morning"

Response "unfertilised"

So being an old bird the term laying eggs seems more appropriate.

A little cryptic and I could. Don't resist being punny.

Thank you PP, I have been a little fearful of a sweet cycle other posters here with abuse sitches like Zelda, Msd, And Anc have been tested with sweet cycles, I have never been tested. I am completely NC and dark.I hide behind my L. I am still afraid of WH and afraid I will be weak. I do not want to ever be abused like that again.

Gg sitch is more like mine with a WH who doesn't want to proceed D.

I don't get it he is wayward, does not want me, wants out, has an OW he says he is crazy about, rich and he says he is a gigglo. So why not move on, why hold back? I want D too, very much. I am comfortable he is in another country. I will be happy he is gone. I want him gone and never to know anything more about him. Nothing zip and ear plugs.

Sometimes I have to play the rant recordings to know it's real. I reread my early threads and it's me that needed sense.

It does mean that I have never truly put my own role into reality. I vascilate between taking all the blame and fear of WH. PTSD crops up from nowhere sometimes.

Thank you for your help and support PP. I think mine is a long DB journey. I have been on my journey for more than 2 years. And yes, I am a WAW and ultimately an LBS who walked away from an abuse sitch.

I am still afraid and I believe I have reason.

V

Originally Posted By: JellyB

I'll rally some nice NZ cheeeeesee and NZ Pinot Noir, or some bubbles from the Marlborough region here in NZ. It will be a tiny celebration, not to take you off you healthy eating for too long.

Jelly.

One day I will drink with you in the apple orchard, under the sunset with some of my apple jam pancakes and homemade bread and chutney, talking until there is a chill in the air with the chiminea blazing and toasted marshmallow fudge chocolate Eaton mess. I make my own marshmallows with real rose water and lavender.

You bring the cheeeeese and vino. I will do the rest. There are lots of rooms at the big house.

V

The definition of divine.

V, wishing you a very nice celebration for the end of your tax year. Your orchard sounds lovely, I will join you in spirit if that is ok.

Delighted FO

V

Originally Posted By: Vanilla

Gg

I am an old bird, and my dashing to lay eggs is going to be very slow.

Like you and many others my WH isn't cooperating on the D.

I really don't know why not. Scrambled eggs, brains, spit.

I thought when he cross filed that he was keen to D. Clearly he isn't that eager.

I just want this over.

I guess MSPV or Mr Sex Pot Vanilla when he shows up is going to be very surprised!

I want to be able to cope as well as my Gg.

V

Of course he will be suprise at what a beautiful catch he has.
(Oh after. A long break why do you think ggstated it was x rated) I don't think bf knew what hit him! First weekend wasn't outside the budiour period

Well done Gg!

V

Sometimes I have no idea why I feel fearful sad and i just able to cope.

This evening for no reason I struggle.

I cry and am consumed with deep unhappiness that I don't want; it seems not specific really and very unfocused.

The flashbacks are pretty scary, yes I know it isn't really happening and I am unclear what to do to stop it so all I camn do is to just let it pass like flotsam and jetsam.

I would like it stopped, I have asked my higher power and I guess I still have things to learn.

V

Hi Lady V. It's a mixture of emotions I'm sure Grief , guilt , sadness , anger and regret to name a few. It will pass and happeniess is in your future. I wish I was there and hug you until you felt better.

Please remember you do nt deserve this and none of it is your fault. Your only issue is that your Lady V and too kind a soul. You saw what H was but looked through compassionate eyes not realistic ones and that's called love

This will pass and vanillia will rise from the ashes

Again , hugs and hugs and hugs.

Oh and hugs. Rd xxxx

V,

I went to therapy today, and your kind description of sweet sadness came up. You know I cycle with her. She's involving V, maturing before my very eyes. Thank you for giving her a name. My therapist says I am integrating her very well.

Maybe there is value in naming this part of self, this aspect of V that is suffering and unhappy, who is fearful and frightened and in the midst of reliving some terrifying and disempowering experiences.

This self is serving a purpose V, likely protection, maybe a releasing of fear from your body, the body remembers fear. Fear stores itself in body tissue, cellular memories, maybe this emotional experience is the release of toxins and pollutants, a letting go of fear.

I think maybe you would suggest that I thank this self for serving its purpose. For keeping you safe and now recognising that it is time to let it go.

PP suggested a book to me recently by Caroline Myss Defy Gravity. I have only just started reading it, but it may provide you some relief to healing. I know you appreciate the the mind-body connection, Caroline talks of the mind-body- soul connection.

I am glad to see you post and share your pain V. We will love you through this, I swear.

Jellyxxx

Hi good morning V,

I am sorry you are feeling down, maybe try to get out and force something fun into your evening tonight????

Sending you a hige midwestern hug across the pond!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love you V

V,

This journey we're all on is not measured by time. We gain ground by finding out who we are, deciding who we would like to be, and taking action. It may take a long time to do these things, but there is no greater journey in life.

Peace to you and your troubles - this to shall pass.

Originally Posted By: rd500

Hi Lady V. It's a mixture of emotions I'm sure Grief , guilt , sadness , anger and regret to name a few. It will pass and happeniess is in your future. I wish I was there and hug you until you felt better.

Please remember you do nt deserve this and none of it is your fault. Your only issue is that your Lady V and too kind a soul. You saw what H was but looked through compassionate eyes not realistic ones and that's called love

This will pass and vanillia will rise from the ashes

Again , hugs and hugs and hugs.

Oh and hugs. Rd xxxx

Thank you RD, you are correct.

I did and still do love WH. I love me enough never to be abused like that again.

V

V,

I went to therapy today, and your kind description of sweet sadness came up. You know I cycle with her. She's involving V, maturing before my very eyes. Thank you for giving her a name. My therapist says I am integrating her very well.

I am pleased that our insights helped you Jellyb.

Maybe there is value in naming this part of self, this aspect of V that is suffering and unhappy, who is fearful and frightened and in the midst of reliving some terrifying and disempowering experiences.

Her name is Plain Vanilla.

This self is serving a purpose V, likely protection, maybe a releasing of fear from your body, the body remembers fear. Fear stores itself in body tissue, cellular memories, maybe this emotional experience is the release of toxins and pollutants, a letting go of fear.

Jellyb it's PTSD. And yes it's fear and anxiety. Severe abuse does this to some of us. It is a weakness.

I think maybe you would suggest that I thank this self for serving its purpose. For keeping you safe and now recognising that it is time to let it go.

My protector is Screaming Banshee. Plain Vanilla is timid and sad, frumpy and a wall flower. She is overweight colourless and somewhat withdrawn. Downtrodden. I look after her.

PP suggested a book to me recently by Caroline Myss Defy Gravity.

Thank you I down loaded but haven't read it.

I have only just started reading it, but it may provide you some relief to healing. I know you appreciate the the mind-body connection, Caroline talks of the mind-body- soul connection.

I am glad to see you post and share your pain V. We will love you through this, I swear.

Jellyxxx

Thank you Jellyb. I value the support.

V

Big hug back Zephyr.

I know you like big big hugs. I am very good at hugs.

V

Originally Posted By: mutatio

Love you V

Love you back

V

Originally Posted By: SciDad

V,

This journey we're all on is not measured by time. We gain ground by finding out who we are, deciding who we would like to be, and taking action. It may take a long time to do these things, but there is no greater journey in life.

Peace to you and your troubles - this to shall pass.

Sci thank you for reminding me to let it all unfold in time.

Very comforting to me.

I have been very tearful of late. Slightly lost and certainly panicky.

Bewildered by the trauma and what WH will do next. I am afraid of him, it may be irrational.

V

Catching up on your posts V. You've been through times before in your sitch and made it through. You can do it again.

Long distance bear hugs!

Sorry you are struggling V. Sending positive vibes your way.

Hi V, sorry you're having a rough time. I think the panics are probably irrational, but perfectly understandable. I feel that way sometimes - as though there is something imminent to worry about - then I remember I am perfectly safe and mistress of my own destiny.

Keep on with the self-care in a rounded way - good food, activity, good friends, little treats, dancing - and you'll get there.

Take care xx

Originally Posted By: Squiggy

Catching up on your posts V. You've been through times before in your sitch and made it through. You can do it again.

Long distance bear hugs!

Bear hugs back

Dear giggly!

V

Thank you for the encouragement Thornton.

Did you know Thorntons is a delectable brand of Belgium chocs in the UK?

So the name has yumminess.

V

Sotto,

I am making a diary of my low and high points so I know how it goes.

When this happens I do loose track of extreme self care.

V

So an examination of my role in the breakdown of my M

I have always accepted this, in fact I took the whole blame fully which isn't realistic

So as I begin to drop the blame and the shame and evaluate as fairly as I can

1. My lack of boundaries:
I had almost no boundaries at all. I only enforced when truly threatened

2. My lack of extreme care:
I put on weight to protect myself from WH and stopped caring for me
Food, exercise, lack of GAL, not dancing, going to see my family and friends

3. My failure to enforce the few boundaries I had
I permitted ranting and bad behaviour by WH and briefly had screaming banshee emerge

4. My permission to be abused
I allowed myself to be abused as I believed I deserved it

5. My focus on work
Work became my focus to be out of the house

6. My giving up my space
I moved out of the MBR, left WH to the living room

7. My being the responsible one emanating from my unacknowledged FOO

I paid for almost everything allowing WH freedom to do as he pleased

8. My silence and failure to Validate WH

I stayed silent on the abuse

9. My PTSD

Not seeking help for this sooner
-------------------------------

Things I am not responsible for

1. His wayward behaviour

2. His gambling, spending and drinking smoking eating rubbish

3. His anger

4. His opinions and beliefs

5. His redundancy

6. His poor choices

7. His refusal to address his stuff, have IC, go to MC, go to GA

8. His abusive behaviour

------------------------------------

If I think of more I will add

I am working on my action plan to address the things I am responsible for

V

V-

Wanted to send you hugs.

I see a lot of introspection and personal growth. Now that you've identified things that you can control and what you are responsible for, what are your next steps? Have you started reworking your goals? Is there a need?

Thinking of you and sending as many good vibes as I can to you

V-

Wanted to send you hugs.

I just love hugs, my prime LL is physical touch (include naughty rude things) and then acts of service (include dinner parties).

I see a lot of introspection and personal growth.

Thank you, it's important to me to resolve certain issues.

Now that you've identified things that you can control and what you are responsible for, what are your next steps?

They fall in four main areas

This is where I will be in twelve months

1. WEALTH
I resolve all my financial debt and stabilise my business putting it on a sound footing

I am selling the big house and I release the value to pay off my debts

I have moved into my own offices for my business

I have settled the D finances satisfactorily

I have brought the business issues up to date and am forward planning

2 HEALTH
I have lost all of the weight and I am fit and active

I am Free from the PTSD and have a calm serene mind

I enjoy good quality sleep

I eat nutritious food, my diabetes is stabilised

I enjoy the sauna and swimming

3. MIRTH
I have kept on GAL and more GAL

I go dancing every week

I enjoy holidays every year, films every week and friendship every day

I visit my family and glam sis, aged pa and clever nephew every alternate month

Gratitude and spirituality fill my day and with meditation I reflect and pray

4.WORTH

I find self worth and I attend at least 3 improvement courses

I have taken exams in counselling, I keep on DB and applying the principles

I continue to improve my interactions with others and set appropriate boundaries which I enforce

Have you started reworking your goals?

Goals are above

My action plan runs to pages and pages........

Is there a need?

oh yes I do think so. I have no plans for R new or old. I still stand for M and do not even think of dating until D is completely over. In addition I have closed the door on WH completely. I am very afraid of WH, he is unpredictable and abusive. So all of the normal things like validating, leaving the path home smooth, acting like a lighthouse do not apply to me. The path home has land mines, the lighthouse has no bulb and I am completely NC, dark, pitch black, silent. Done.

Thinking of you and sending as many good vibes as I can to you

------------------------

Jellyb and I refer to it as rainbow strength, as it's a lovely warm thing to send and feel.

Enjoy rainbows back.

Hugs

V

Thank you for responding V - I love your plans!

How long until D is finalized? I'm might have mentioned it somewhere else, but I couldn't remember

Sci

WH has done a vanishing act, he hasn't even responded to the petition or my solicitor.

Other than to say he is abroad and not taking action.

I would like WH gone and I have stopped saying STBX WH. I may have to wait 5 years to do an uncontested D. Problem is time frame starts when he acknowledges D petition.

It's all about control.

He told a mutual friend he could come back any time he liked. He has threatened me, sent others to threaten me and it's recorded. A friend of his even rang me and I didn't answer the conversation in the background was recorded on my mobile answerphone and it was pure evil. In fact this woman came to my home in the middle of a Sunday afternoon. I have bought a white van and they were accusing me of an A, on the basis the van is on my drive.

I am very afraid of him and I have good reason.

Thank you for asking Sci, my lovely Gg is in the same position. Vanishing WH, who think they have nothing to lose by playing a waiting game.

Watch this space

V

I love your next steps V. Your headed in a good direction. Peace

V-

Every time I think about your WH, I want to punch something. I'm not a violent person, but it infuriates me that a person can treat someone (especially someone they say they loved at some point) with such callousness and disregard.

Huggs, now and forever. Just reach through your screen whenever you'd like one - my LL is touch too (can you tell, lol)

V, just checking in and sending you positive energy and much love. I love your goals and your list of what you are and are not responsible for. You are awesome V.

I am struggling with work overload again, I am exhausted depleted and tired.

Extra sleep isn't helping, just work overload and I need to get to it.

Fins are falling over again, I have to get invoices out answer emails etc etc

Overload.

I was doing great with the exercise and now it's stopped again, back to it tomorrow.

Problem has been mornings and getting out of bed. I am so tired and sometimes resistant to work when I am this tired. I am fine when I get going.

I am though pressing ahead with my plans.

Sci thank you, I understand how you feel! I really am unsure how WH felt or thought. That's his business, I know how I feel and it's about WH and I don't want him around in my country.

I want my D, I want to start to think about moving on. Because I am M still and I still stand for M until I am D. D sooner than later.

Than you Mu, I seem to move in great leaps and then I crawl. I am still studying the FOO stuff.

Fo thank you, it has taken a great deal of work to get to this space and time, I had few boundaries and now I have quite strong ones.

Life has learning for us and it doesn't stop.

V

Hi V,

Im sorry you are so tired, Im going throught that myself.

Regarding work, do you prioritize your tasks and then check them off as you go?

I found that by doing that and focusing on the little tasks instead of my giant workload that it helps.

V,
I love you and view you as a very gentle soul. I'm sorry you are having a hard time with working and getting up. What exactly are the issues (the real issues) and what could you do about themv? This exercise may be beneath you but it might help in figuring out how to fix the true issues.

Will you be my Valentine?

Originally Posted By: Thornton

Hi V,

Im sorry you are so tired, Im going throught that myself.

Regarding work, do you prioritize your tasks and then check them off as you go?

I found that by doing that and focusing on the little tasks instead of my giant workload that it helps.

Thank you Thornton, wise advice.

V

Originally Posted By: mutatio

Will you be my Valentine?

Any time, if you will be mine.

Xxxxxxxx

Hugs

V

Originally Posted By: mahhhty

V,
I love you and view you as a very gentle soul. I'm sorry you are having a hard time with working and getting up. What exactly are the issues (the real issues) and what could you do about themv? This exercise may be beneath you but it might help in figuring out how to fix the true issues.

Of course Mahhhty, I am looking at your exercise, and it is square to the point. I will revert.

It's one of those things that the many of my friends describe me as a gentle and old soul, so thank you.

V

Happy Valentine's day V

From Rosa Linda's thread

Originally Posted By: Vanilla

Just thought I would tell you, I read through your threads.

I guess I will never understand MLC, makes me glad my WH behaves abusively, I am looking at least 4 OW to date, gambling and alcoholism.

I guess he is a Hyde/Hyde wanna be MLCer?

V

To briefly answer your question.

Midlife is the time when our age starts to catch up with us.
And anything that has been wrong in the past gets magnified, and blown around and many times gets much worse.

For instance I had a bad knee in high school and college, now it hurts a lot since my operation in college left bone on bone.
My mother who was bipolar her whole life got to the same age as we are now and blew her life up, destroying everything in sight. Divorced my father, ended up in jail, and just really went crazy.
For others we do not notice that they were gamblers, or narcissists, depressed or whatever other things that had gone wrong in their lives.
They had unresolved childhood issues that at midlife blow up in their faces.
So we all go through mid life transitions, but some become a crisis when they go off the rails.

identity crisis a period in the psychosocial development of an individual, usually occurring during adolescence, manifested by a loss of the sense of the sameness and historical continuity of one's self, confusion over values, or an inability to accept the role the individual perceives as being expected by society.

life crisis a period of disorganization that occurs when a person meets an obstacle to an important life goal, such as the sudden death of a family member, a difficult family conflict, an incident of domestic violence (spouse or child abuse), a serious accident, loss of a limb, loss of a job, or rape or attempted rape.

So a crisis combines with age, hormones, depression, childhood issues, trigger point and you get MLC.

It is quite possible that you husband is a gambler and in a MLC.
It is possible that he was in MLC when you met and married him and that you did not recognize it.

Don't worry - none of us knew these things as it is not taught in school.

A MLC can end and the person is still bipolar or still depressed, or still has a bad knee.
Maybe the knee just doesnt hurt as much, or the other symptoms are not as pronounced.

There are millions of pages written about MLC so that is as much detail as I am going to go into here.

Hope it helps.

Thank you Cadet.

WH was a covert gambler all his life and he cheated on W1. (who died of cancer before we met). I have discovered he had done some terrible things only after we M.

I think if MLC arrives in mid life as you imply and I infer that from you that WH could be in MLC additionally. Primarily I think he was a traditional systematic abuser, sadly MLC alone will not apply. I say sadly because I don't see any resolution of WH behaviour as I truly believe it's a personality issue not a behaviourally driven one.

He may have MLC issues and I hope for his sake he resolves those and obtains the help he needs to heal. I would wish this for him and all those in MLC.

A while ago on Schermans thread I think you discussed the incidence of poor health patterns in your family, and modern treatments can help more women like your mother stabilise her health and moods. I hope she found some peace in her life eventually, I will pray for that for your family.

Quite often I read the pain of the LBS or WAS when dealing with an abuser or wayward or MLCer. In the longer term we are the blessed ones, ready to heal, DBing to become the best we can be. It always seems to me that ultimately it is us who decide to let go and let God.

I am saddened that these life events interrupt lives and those around them suffer as well. This is a good board for self development, although there are few that are wayward a here there should be more. A conundrum in that waywardness and MLC traits need the greatest help and those that have them seek the least support.

My left knee hurts too, so I understand the knee issues. Mine is self inflicted from too much high impact aerobics. Ouch.

Hugs and peace

V

Originally Posted By: Vanilla

I think if MLC arrives in mid life as you imply and I infer that from you that WH could be in MLC additionally. Primarily I think he was a traditional systematic abuser, sadly MLC alone will not apply. I say sadly because I don't see any resolution of WH behaviour as I truly believe it's a personality issue not a behaviourally driven one.

He may have MLC issues and I hope for his sake he resolves those and obtains the help he needs to heal. I would wish this for him and all those in MLC.

I absolutely agree.
You didn't break him and can not fix him.

No matter what he is or has - he must fix himself, on his own.

Yes this board is a great place for all of us to work on ourselves!

Originally Posted By: Thornton

Happy Valentine's day V

I did have a great V day!

I bought myself a spa and massage.

Some chocs, a favourite dessert with creme freche and a glass of elderflower presse.

Fabulous

V

This is my new song for WH ring tone.

FAGIN
A man's got a heart, hasn't he?
Joking apart -- hasn't he?
And tho' I'd be the first one to say that I wasn't a saint,
I'm finding it hard to be really as black as they paint...
I'm reviewing the situation
Can a fellow be a villain all his life?
All the trials and tribulations!
Better settle down and get myself a wife.
And a wife would cook and sew for me,
And come for me, and go for me,
And go for me, and nag at me,
The fingers, she would wag at me.
The money she would take from me.
A misery, she'd make from me...
...I think I'd better think it out again!
A wife you can keep, anyway,
I'd rather sleep, anyway.
Left without anyone in the world,
And I'm starting from now.
So "how to win friends and to influence people"
--So how?

I'm reviewing the situation,
I must quickly look up ev'ryone I know.
Titled people -- with a station --
Who can help me make a real impressive show!
I will own a suite at Claridges,
And run a fleet of carriages,
And wave at all the duchesses
With friendliness, as much as is
Befitting of my new estate...
"Good morrow to you, magistrate!"
...I think I'd better think it out again.
So where shall I go -- somebody?
Who do I know? Nobody!
All my dearest companions
Have always been villains and thieves...
So at my time of life
I should start turning over new leaves...?
I'm reviewing the situation.
If you want to eat -- you've got to earn a bob!
Is it such a humiliation
For a robber to perform an honest job?
So a job I'm getting, possibly,
I wonder who my boss'll be?
I wonder if he'll take to me...?
What bonuses he'll make to me...?
I'll start at eight and finish late,
At normal rate, and all... but wait!
...I think I'd better think it out again.
What happens when I'm seventy?
Must come a time...seventy.
When you're old, and it's cold
And who cares if you live or you die,
Your one consolation's the money
You may have put by...
I'm reviewing the situation.
I'm a bad 'un and a bad 'un I shall stay!
You'll be seeing no transformation,
But it's wrong to be a rogue in ev'ry way.
I don't want nobody hurt for me,
Or made to do the dirt for me.
This rotten life is not for me.
It's getting far too hot for me.
There is no in between for me
But who will change the scene for me?
Don't want no one to rob for me.
But who will find a job for me
...I think I'd better think it out again!
Hey!

Read more: Oliver - Reviewing The Situation Lyrics

V

Just a drive by hug, see ya

Waving to ya as ya pass....

V

Today I paid the fee to have WH tracked down by the courts to be served by court bailiffs.

He tells my L he is living abroad, and I think he is in the UK, his car was seen by my cleaner outside the house. Bestie has seen him on a different day in the village.

I want to be free to get on with my life.

This is passive aggressive control, I hope his last horrah!

Still working on my Fins, yet one more day to see if I can clean up the entries WH made in the system so I can file the accounts and do my VAT return.

It is very hard work and wasteful of that resource.

V

still not progressing very much although at least I filed the VAT return and reconciled the Debtors ledger.

Couldn't access the one bank account with cash in it.

No exercise and horrible week. Clients all complaining work isn't done, I just cant catch up.

Very very low today and struggling with my motivation.

Many tears, must be self pity.

v

Vanilla

I know this is challenging times, but you have certainly taken control of the situation. I would truly not want to be your WH.

You are highly intelligent, level headed, Determined, motivated, and patient.
Just take it day by day and allow yourself a day of rest.

I talk about how if I was a character in a book I would be yelling at myself. But you are the heroine in the book that we all admire and respect.

No need for self pity... You Have so much going for you. Remember that.

(((Hugs)))

Julie

Sending you oodles and oodles of love Lady V!!!

I'll fly across the pond and track down that no good WH for you. I'll only ask for dinner as payment.

Keep your chin up Lady V, you've already walked a thousand miles towards your own healing and betterment, this is just the final stretch.

Great big American hug,
PP

Hi Lady V. So sorry your down. You have a mountain to climb re work and your getting there.

It's not self pity , your faced with a huge task and it' would daunt anyone You faced a AHole of a H and suffered for a long time. No one would just get over this AND deal with a sabotaged business at the same time. Cut yourself some slack and know that many people would never get to this point , let alone get past it

Your a force of nature and a wonderful person , give yourself time.

Please post often for a while so we can offer the support you deserve

I'll meet PP at Gatwick and have a quick chat with H !!!!!!

Huge hugs , Rd

Thank you RD and PP for your support.

JB, welcome to Vs thread.

WH is behaving in a more curious fashion than usual, playing stupid games.

I filed which he has not acknowledged so I asked for a bailiffs petition serve, he then did a bunk and that hasn't been successful.

He then cross filed which I acknowledged and it either got lost in the post or mislaid, the court advised me not acknowledged so I acknowledged it. WH then decides to apply for dispense with service (I knew nothing about it) and ex parte decision made that my acknowledgement in Dec was a deemed service.

So WH foot shot in your own. Please rearrange these words into correct order.

Aren't our judges wonderful!

V

Vanilla, hoping justice prevails for you and soon so you can stop dealing with these games.

No need to welcome me. I have been keeping up with you for a while. You have helped me a lot as julie. (Just wanted to be safe)

Originally Posted By: JujuB

Vanilla, hoping justice prevails for you and soon so you can stop dealing with these games.

No need to welcome me. I have been keeping up with you for a while. You have helped me a lot as julie. (Just wanted to be safe)

Gotcha

V

Sending you some rainbow tummy love my lovely friend. It's been awhile since I poppped by yours. Cheeeessseee????

Lots of love and squeezy hugs ((((((V)))))

Jellyxxx

Hey V, hope you can work out the things that are giving you problems soon. Hopefully XH will be out of your life in the near future and one less thing you need to worry about. Sending some of those rainbows your way also.

V - I am so sorry you are dealing with so much right now. I wish there was something I could do to help, especially because you have already done so much to help me and so many others. Please know that I am thinking of you and wish I could give you more than just hugs across the internet. Hopefully, you are having a better time today. xoxo ((hugs))

Originally Posted By: JellyB

Sending you some rainbow tummy love my lovely friend. It's been awhile since I poppped by yours. Cheeeessseee????

Lots of love and squeezy hugs ((((((V)))))

Jellyxxx

Moooooooose

V

Hey V,

Just caught up on your sitch. Sorry you are struggling.

It's just another speed bump on your journey, stay the course.

Love ya

Good morning from this side of the pond V.

Your husbamds antics are a bit perplexing, he has no real clue what to do right now...he has lost all of his control over you and he is not aure what to think or do about that.

I am so glad you can see all of it for what it is and not for some symbol or eeffort on his part to try to get you back or whatever. You know it is all about control and you have stepped out of his grasp.

You are heroic in my mind, i have seen first hand husband and wives who were so vwry qbusivw to thier spouse and they continue on in thier marriages today....they lack the knowledge, strength and courage to walk away as you have.

I know this has left scars, but i am teading every day the legacy of those acars...where you have chosen to overcome them and turn thst pain into something positive and help these we folks out with what you have learned and continue to learn. You help give us strength when we have not enough on pur own. You give us wisdom where we lack, you give us guidwmce when weve lost our way and sometime you give us a stern skap on the @$$ to get moving in the right direction

Mighty hugsss for (((((V)))).

I hope your weekend is a good one!

V,

Sending love and hugs your way

Thank you Sci. You give great hugs.

Zephyr your words are very comforting, this board and it's posters are helping me regain my life. I believe my journey is only just beginning.

Thornton, many speed bumps. I just want to free to move on with my life. To be D.

I just love Rainbow strength, the very best kind.

Broke welcome to Vs thread and thank you for caring

Time for a new thread

V

New thread

new thread

V