Hi everyone. bomb shell for me was 4th July. We are seperated, in the same house. it has been terse the last 6 months except a fab christmas which went back to being frosty on new years eve.
Was a bomb shell for me and I have been trying to follow all the advice I can. I have GAL, detached etc.
I have 2 boys 5 and 9 and they are happy, well adjusted and we have a fantastic relationship.
W wants to move and take them with her.
She says they are only happy if mummy is happy which hurts and me and my boys giggle constantly when we are together.
We live in a beautiful house, but w wants to move to a small 2 up 2 down.
1 month into the separation, I found naked pictures of her and another man.
She has denied a full blown affair and denied doing anything wrong.
All of our relationship this would have been a total no no and smashes our historical boundries.
1 week after separation I find she had already drawn draft divorce papers and tried to sell the house without me knowing.
She has constantly and continuously lied to me about many things, posted nasty, hurtful and untrue comments on social media.
She has no family of her own, and a few close friends of a couple of years.
I have written to her a few times, no begging but laying out my boundaries as I see them.
She will not talk or listen.
She has accused me on Facebook of narsassism but says she has done nothing wrong.
12 months ago she said she was really enjoying 'us'.
I have read many times about W being replaced with an alien.
Never was this more true !
I have attended 10 relate sessions alone and 8 couple therapy sessions alone. She attended one session to 'give her side of the story'.
At Christmas we cuddled and she told me she missed my cuddles so much.
It was like having my wife back.
We make each other cups of tea but thats it at the moment.
Our boys are fine but she continually uses them as a weapon for me to move out.
I will not abandon my boys.
There has never been abuse, drink problems, drugs or anything like that.
I have asked her for as long as I can remember to go out on dates spend time together etc but my needs have not been met. for the last 6 months we have been going out weekends for days as a 'family'. Zoo, cinema and so on.
My therapist says all the signs are there that she wants out. I am not an arrogant man but I don't buy this.
Something is happening.
Her periods have been fluctuating, some hair loss and so on and it is hard not to read into this.
She will not communicate with me except to get pissy and show me how much she hates me.
I need help in working out what to do.
Do I ignore my therapist expert and go with my gut, continue living my life and to be there if she needs me or do i let go gracefully knowing in my heart there was something else acting on her decisions.
Be it another man, pre-menopause or what ever.
I love my wife of 15 years, 7 rounds of IVF, miscarriage and so on, I can't understand how it all becomes so meaningless.
She says she wants to be friend but then will do all those things that make divorce as acrimonious is hell.
I have seen a solicitor and was served my divorce papers a week before Christmas despite our mutual promise at the mediators that we weren't going to do anything until after the holidays for the sake of the boys.
I am either at work or in 'my room' and this is my life. please. I need help.
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Hello Keefa,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
You can't believe any of what she says and only 1/2 of what she does because you are right, she has been replaced by an alien. Be the best Keefa and Dad that only a fool would leave. What did the solicitor say when you mentioned that your wife wants to move and take the boys with her?
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
Hi Keefa, I'm no expert or vet. Just wanted to say sorry you're here in this terrible club. About the hair loss/periods - there may be many causes, but one most likely one is: stress. Whatever she is doing is causing great stress - guilt and secrecy do that to a person. It can cause other health problems too.
If she's had IVF then she's probably been bombarded with hormones - another terrible thing.
Thank you all for taking the time to read and reply.
Isn't it just so so sad that a common theme runs through so many of these stories ?
I am trying so hard to do the rules but at the moment I just feel so much anger and resentment inside, like I have not only been betrayed with her EA but my whole relationship has been belittled and de-valued.
I cannot find the strength inside me to be 'friends' with her.
I love her but I do not like who she is.
I know I am being very stand offish. I don't know how to stop this feeling.
I would so so much appreciate any suggestions
Your feelings are perfectly natural.
ILYBINILWU also sometimes comes to the LBS,
the answer right now is to follow the advice in my
first homework post.
DETACH, regain your center and keep moving forward.
You can do this!
Hi Keefa, welcome to the community. Your W sounds very familiar, sorry to say. I think more will come to light about her activities with this man she is sending naked pictures to, and I think it's been going on before the bomb dropped.
What are the ages of you and W?
I suggest you read the links that Cadet posted, ASAP. Ask questions as they come to mind. You have a lot of information ahead of you. I hope you can post every day.
I cannot find the strength inside me to be 'friends' with her.
Don't worry about being her friend, at the moment. You are more concerned about saving the MR than being in a friendship. All WW's say they want to remain friends.
I love her but I do not like who she is.
B/c she isn't the girl you married. She has seriously changed and you will not see that gal until she comes out the other side.
I know I am being very stand offish. I don't know how to stop this feeling.
You have been betrayed, slandered, and told lies by your W. You have a right to feel angry. Allow yourself to just feel the emotions and give yourself some time.
Thank you. Have been reading all day on here and am half way through the book. I am still confused on how to act with the constant display of nastiness I get at home. I have got my divorce petition and it is starting to become very messy and acrimonious which I feel is because I will not jump to her ( or her solicitors commands). She is actively looking to move out and take our boys away from their family home which I feel is detrimental to their lives. My relationship with my children is nothing but games and tickles and laughs, homework and more chasing and just smiles all the time I am with them. W has told me even her estate agent cannot believe I have not had the balls to move out myself. This is so hurtful I want to scream.
I cannot bring myself to be in the same room as her. I am reading the links but how do I act ? Do I pretend her comments dont hurt ? Do I just let her take my boys and start her new life just like that ? Last night she re-organised our mug shelf, moving all mine to 1 shelf and hers to another. How do I live with this kind of behaviour ? Do I just go quite and pretend she doesn't exist ? This to me will only prove to her self she is doing the right thing in divorcing me.
Lastly, the speed in which the draft petition came through after separation is bizarre. is it normal for a draft divorce to come through within a couple of weeks ?
It seems like she has made her mind up and nothing I can do will even buy us some breathing space or a moment to pause and reflect . It all seems pointless.
I cannot bring myself to be in the same room as her. I am reading the links but how do I act ? Do I pretend her comments dont hurt ?
No, you don't have to pretend anything. I would say she is making nasty comments to intentionally cause you emotional pain. If you can't mask the pain, then remove yourself from her presence.
Do I just let her take my boys and start her new life just like that ?
No, you fight for your kids. That's why you need legal repensentation. Release her to do whatever she wants........except have full custody of your children.
Last night she re-organised our mug shelf, moving all mine to 1 shelf and hers to another. How do I live with this kind of behaviour ?
That's just silly and very immature behavior on her part. She obviously is set on inflicting you any way she can. When she does something stupid like this, just shake your head as if she's losing her mind, and walk away. MWD says to choose your battles wisely. This is an example of a battle field not worth entering.
Do I just go quite and pretend she doesn't exist ? This to me will only prove to her self she is doing the right thing in divorcing me.
What do you care what it proves to her? Stop focusing on her. There is nothing you can do to change her. She has to make that choice. She will think how she wants to think about you, proof or no proof. You could be a saint and a WW will find fault with you.
It is very obvious that your WW has lost all respect for you. She won't change her mind until she learns to respect you.
I don't know how to act to regain her respect. I can only think to treat her as one of my employees as I am very respected at work and in work circles.
I don't know how to act to regain her respect. I can only think to treat her as one of my employees as I am very respected at work and in work circles.
DB'ing is counter intuitive.
Regain her respect by Letting GO,
and living your life as the best YOU can be.
Have you read the link on detaching, and the one on boundaries? About the only option you have is to set personal boundaries that have consequential results to anyone who disrespect you. Your employees would probably have some consequences if they treated you badly, didn't do their job, came in to work late, was rude, etc., etc.
In an employer to employee relationship, the employees have more of an ultimatum. Do things the boss's way or get fired. As the boss, you have a certain amount of control over what the employees do & don't do.
Having boundaries, however, means protecting your feelings from the mistreatment, abuse, or disrespect from your WW. If the WW dishonors your boundary, then you respond with something that has consequences for her.
My 9 year old son tells me this morning during cuddles in bed that they are moving to mummy's new house on Feb 5th.
My heart has broken again. The pain is so intense it is making me sick. I have no one to talk to. I don't know what to do
So sorry you are hurting, Keefa. What have you done with your time this weekend?
Keefa, Sandi is giving you the best advice. Call a lawyer, fight for custody, ignore the disrespect, fake that you are ok and post as much as you need to. You will get good advice here. I know the pain that you are feeling, but you WILL get through this. Just take it one day at a time.
Hi keefa. Just caught up on your sitch.
Read and re read sandi's rules. Read and re read. Then read again Sandi's post on LBH and WaW.
It took me some time and a lot of effort to realize my words will not change anything. actions will. I am still working on it too. Will be for a long time.
Try and remember she has chosen to take this journey. If you were the one that chose to leave would her saying please don't go change your mind? This is your chance to become the best keefa there is!
I am sorry she is being nasty and childish about things. A breaking point for me was when I was so angry I was ready to toss all her crap out and kick the doors. Saying you chose this. After praying for understanding and oatience I realized I am choosing to be angry at her actions and I don't like it as it effects my attitude with kids and my focus on GAL. So I am learning to shake it off. I still get mad at times. That's when you out the focus back on you
Thanks everyone.
The weekend was mixed really. Saturday I spend a bit of time with my boys, doing homework. usually do housework but it felt like I was clearing up after her so I didn't bother. I did my washing and mine and the boys ironing, took my dog for a lovely long walk. In the evening ( it was cold, frosty and very still) me and the boys walked over the fields and launched a Chinese lantern.
Sunday we had lie ins watching Simpsons in bed with me, tickle competitions then we went down to Portsmouth for the day, Science museum, bought a new rugby ball and scooter, played walking on the pavement lines, had tea then drove home. Did showers and the boys were hyper. They were in bed by 8, I was in bed shortly after 8pm. My eldest came in 20 minutes later with a drawing showing a happy face over our family home and a sad face over her new home' It made me cry though I didn't let him see.
My anger and contempt is unpalatable and I struggle to be in the same room as her. My love for my boys and the feeling of their love for me is my single constant. I keep reading Sandi's rules and I think they are starting to sink in. Christ it is hard to do anything. I am not a hateful person and never bore a grudge on anyone. I am the type that stops to help broken down cars or put up a shelve for a neighbour. I don't want to be who she is turning me into but everything is a fight. I can't even trust her not to take pictures the boys drew for me.
I hope I am not running it into the ground by saying how this seems to be very common in LBH'S. He is a nice guy, maybe speaks softly, undemanding, easy-going, and very forgiving. People may say he doesn't have an enemy in the world, and he never makes waves. He pretty much gives his W whatever she wants and he can get it or do it for her. He leaves most decisions to her, or else they make it together, b/c he sees it as making her happy. When she's in a bad mood or gets too b'tchy, he just ignores it, b/c he figures it will keep the peace.
Maybe some of this describes you, or maybe not. What gives it away, to me, is that I sense your dread in doing some action that shows her where you stand as a man. You had much rather discuss things and work it out through talks. Am I getting close to describing you?
The problem with a WW is that she sees all of those qualities as being soft, and she has seen how she can bully you. B/c you have
allowed her to treat you badly, she's lost respect for you and no longer appreciates these nice-guy traits.
I am M to the sweetest, nicest guy on earth. You could ask anyone in town and they would tell you he is such a niceguy. I fell for him when I was very young and we M young. I was not mature enough and not prepared to deal with his passivity. My dad was the strong leader in my family, and so I didn't know what to think when I saw my H not making decisions, allowing his mother to rule our lives, and not defending me. I would chew him out, and he wouldn't stand up to
me, either. The resentment grew and grew and the disrespect began to mount. I tried to talk it out. I tried to tell him what I needed. I tried everything I could think of or read about. Nothing seemed to work. Then, after years of much emotional stress and depression, my guard let down and someone said something that made me feel more alive than I had felt in ages. I began an A.
The WW will not hear you talk. She only sees what you do. In many ways, it is a battle of who is the strongest. She sees you as a whimp. She doesn't want a whimp for a H. Although, most WW's affair down, it only shows her misplaced judgement and lack of logic. Regardless of how sorry the OM may be, she only sees her H lacking the ability to stand up to her and show her he will not take her cr@p. Invariably, it's when he gets enough and starts to dump her, that she starts to see the man she wanted. Sad, that it takes him losing the M to finally hold his own with her.
I don't know how 'not' to take her crap.
Everything seems to be solicitor this and solicitor that. My solicitor is a wise head it seems and a solid voice of reason. She has already got the D petition and I am thinking this is no longer a Divorce busting sitch, just self preservation. What makes me feel so ill inside is that twice in the last 7 months I felt we were so so close to reconciliation, the first was dashed the very same day when I found naked photo's of OM and her on the phone she was using (was a phone in my name and one she'd asked me to cancel as she had got her own sorted so I wasn't exactly snooping. more curious and wanted the phone factory reset to give to my eldest to use. Good job I didn't. The second was at Christmas, we had a great few days, several cuddles and she even said that she missed my cuddles so much. Then on new years day I found out she had been lying about moving out and we spiralled downwards again. We don't talk, hardly acknowledge each other and I am struggling on how to validate anything when she won't communicate. She refused all counselling. How do I not take her crap ? just by not rising to it? Do I remain projectedly cheerful ?
Sandinista better to answer this than me probably. You can't force her to talk to you so you can listen and validate. She has to choose to talk. At which point you use the skills you have been learning. Taking her crap. That's where your tools come in. Stay calm. If she gets angry walk away and say we can talk when we are reasonable. As for her actions. Again you can't control what she does. All you can control is if and how you let it effect you.
Sandi I have a question. Your sitch you described. Your husbands actions which lead to your resentment sounds exactly like myself. Did your H recognize his faults and address them. If so what tools did he use to change?
We don't talk, hardly acknowledge each other and I am struggling on how to validate anything when she won't communicate. She refused all counselling. How do I not take her crap ? just by not rising to it? Do I remain projectedly cheerful ?
If she won't talk, then forget about validation. At this point, it is self-perservation. If you don't want to project cheerfulness, then don't. Don't do what is not working for you. Stop considering her feelings, moods, and words. She wanted a divorce, so show her how it will look! Stop treating her as if she's your W.
If she says something disrespectful, call her out about it. Use a very firm voice (not yelling, no threathening, just firm and in control) and tell her to go stay somewhere else, that her unattractive ways are not appreciated in your home. She doesn't get a free ride on your ticket and disrespect you in the meantime. Don't stand there like a dummy while she dumps sh't on you. Leave! Don't get whiny or b'tchy, be a man about it.
I am not encouraging you to get into a fight. I am trying to encourage you to stand up for yourself. You do not have to take this treatment.
Don't be afraid of her anger. Don't fear her moods. What more can she do that she hasn't already done to you emotionally? Many, perhaps even most, WW's are bullys. Just like a schoolyard bully, they won't stop until you show them you aren't afraid of them. If she starts to get violent, call the cops. Otherwise, hold your ground and remain calm and strong. When a WW sees she cannot manipulate, control, backdown, or upset her LBH and he remains in control of his life and maintains his inner strength and manhood........she respects it. She may never tell him.......but she respects it.
Do not argue with her. You make non-negotiable statements and don't ask for her opinion or how she feels about anything. You cannot be a friend with her. Why would want to be friends with anyone who treats you this way?
It saddens me when you say you don't know how not to take her cr@p. I see so many guys like you and the horrible women they M. You must walk tall, with shoulders back and have an attitude of decisiveness and confidence. This is very important. You are a prize that some woman out there would love to win.
Stop trying to please your WW. Stop trying to win her. Leave her alone and start living a life without her
now. Don't wait till she moves out, do it now. If she questions you about your activities, tell her nothing! She no longer has the right to know about your personal business and life. Don't ask her anything that doesn't concern the kids. Act as if you are over her. You're so done with her. If she gives you lip about anything, tell her to get out. Stop giving her money and/or doing anything for her. Play hardball. Tell her you don't want her there.
This may sound shocking and far from what you consider DBing. I am just trying to give you an idea how to deal with a disrespectful woman. At this point, you will not get her back with the usual nice-guy ways. It simply won't work. Stop feeling disparate, and stop being afraid.
Sandi I have a question. Your sitch you described. Your husbands actions which lead to your resentment sounds exactly like myself. Did your H recognize his faults and address them. If so what tools did he use to change?
I have had lots of LBH'S to ask me similar questions. It was a little different in my case in that I was the one coming here, yet I was the WS, not my H. Very few posters have fallen into that category on the DB board. I was the one getting the tools, not him. The person who comes to the board is usually the one who has to step up and use the tools to get the MR back on track. If the other S is ready to do what is necessary to save the M, then they can get the tools. If you will notice, the DR book is focused on the one who wants to save the M. When I first arrived, I didn't know what I wanted to do. I quickly learned that the majority here had no clue about the mindset of a WW. There were two women who were my god-sent counselors that really helped me in the beginning. And of course, I learned so much from the LBH'S and the pain they experienced. It really helped me to know how my own H was hurt and the betrayal he felt. My H doesn't have conversations with me, so I never know what he's thinking or how he's feeling.
I asked my H to go with me and get MC, but he refused. If he sought out any new tools, I never knew it. The whole experience
did seem to change him, and it was tough for both of us. Shortly after we R, his health took a turn for the worse, and that ushered in a new phase of our lives with new problems. I know we are going to be together from now on. I also know what to do and not do to prevent myself from getting off into an unhealthy area again.
Wish I could have given you what you were looking for.........but nope, he wasn't the one using DB tools.
It did help Sandi. Not a direct answer made me think tho that though I feel I need to change that aspect of myself for me and my well being. If R is ever to work she also has to accept me for me.
That comes down to action not words
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
How do you begin the process of forgiveness when you are unsure what it is you are forgiving ?
WAW's affair, and the speed in which the D was filed and petitioned,the refusal to go to MC or even talk about it has been so odd. For me, despite all the lies and underhandedness that goes with what has happened, I currently feel the biggest betrayal is the way our 15 years together and all we have gone through, many IVF's, etc. has all been belittled and its value reduced. This makes me so sad. my WAW has not shed a single tear, shown an ounce or remorse or any uncertainty of her actions since BD. This has made me feel more worthless than the affair itself. Phrases like ' I will never forgive you for this' keep resounding around in my head and I am struggling to stop it. 4 or 5 months ago she 'wanted to be friends' which I did, but I have been tricked and lied to about mediation, solicitors, house sales to name a few, that I don't currently want her as a friend as she is horrible and to be honest I don't really know who she is. She is like a familiar stranger. She was her 'normal' self I knew over the holidays, relaxed, happy and we had a great time but now it is back to not even saying hello, petty stuff like washing her cup up, leaving mine, buying her own toilet rolls despite me having done the shopping and so on.
How do people deal with the love hate, up and down that keeps happening ? I am detaching slowly, dropped the rope but picked it up a few times when I thought the little signs were there for the M but during detaching, I feel a lot of hostility and I know I am very cold and offish towards her, especially the pettiness and actions, for one example, moving all my tea mugs onto a separate shelf to hers etc. I cant seem to shift away from these feelings...
How do people deal with the love hate, up and down that keeps happening ?
I would say if you are doing the first - the love/hate/love/hate - then you still need to keep practicing the second.
but during detaching, I feel a lot of hostility and I know I am very cold and offish towards her, especially the pettiness and actions, for one example, moving all my tea mugs onto a separate shelf to hers etc. I cant seem to shift away from these feelings...
So what are you going to do to try to shift these feelings? Youre really getting bent out of shape about tea mugs? Just think "oh, that wacky W" and let it go. Why get upset over that - its a ridiculous action.
But not dwelling on these little things, you lose that "edge" that changes you from indifference to cold.
Also I merged your two threads - try to stick to one thread until 100 posts.
It is easier to follow your story that way.
I Don't know. The house is looking more and more bare as she ships stuff to her new house. I don't care about the trivial stuff but I can't seem to find away of shifting this anger at her for the betrayal and the lies. 7 months and we've never once talked about her affair or why she filed so quickly. I feel like I have so much I want to say to her, to make her understand, but I know this is counter productive. I have periods of being the better version of me, usually when I am out with my boys, even at work. I can't seem to GAL as every moment I am not at work I want to be with my sons as it feels like my time with them as a father is ticking away by the day. I get them to bed 8pm every night and I am in bed straight after. I spend weekends dong a mix of house hold chores and going out with them, WAW sleeps in another room and has done since BD.
How do you begin the process of forgiveness when you are unsure what it is you are forgiving ?
Personally, I believe it is important to know what we are forgiving. If the other person has offended us, betrayed us, hurt us, what did they to make us offended, hurt, upset, etc.?
In relationships, I think it might be easy, especially for men, to just apologize....in hopes of getting back in their W's good graces again. I don't believe that is healthy. If she's mad or hurt, he needs to know exactly what he did to cause those feelings. Then if he wants to apologize, he needs to specifically name the offense he caused.
The same is true if you are on the other end and you are the one who has been hurt. Surely you know what she's done to create the pain in you.
I also believe it's important in a MR to see remorse from the one who has caused the pain. It's not entirely necessary before you can forgive, but it's very important to the future relationship with that spouse.
WAW's affair, and the speed in which the D was filed and petitioned,the refusal to go to MC or even talk about it has been so odd. For me, despite all the lies and underhandedness that goes with what has happened, I currently feel the biggest betrayal is the way our 15 years together and all we have gone through, many IVF's, etc. has all been belittled and its value reduced. This makes me so sad. my WAW has not shed a single tear, shown an ounce or remorse or any uncertainty of her actions since BD. This has made me feel more worthless than the affair itself.
For your own mental health's sake, you can break it down. 1) Refusal to get any help for the problems. 2) The lies she told. 3) the deceit and sneakiness. 3) Her cheating and betrayal. 4) The disvalue placed on the years of M together. 5) All the attempts to have a baby seemly unimportant or done in vain. 6) The lack of remorse.
This is a lot of offenses, which sadly, is not uncommon for a wayward wife. To tell you it is common, does not help your feelings. I hope in some small way it will help to tell you that you are not wrong to feel how you feel in response to everything she's done. These are feelings that have unnerved you and has shaken you to the point of feeling unvaluable. It has affected your self-esteem as a man. It has left you confused and maybe doubting you ever knew the true woman that she really was. It may cause you to doubt any future friends or other relationships, just people in general. A lot of LBH's go to therapy to work through these painful issues, b/c it is so much so fast.
Phrases like ' I will never forgive you for this' keep resounding around in my head and I am struggling to stop it. 4 or 5 months ago she 'wanted to be friends' which I did, but I have been tricked and lied to about mediation, solicitors, house sales to name a few, that I don't currently want her as a friend as she is horrible and to be honest I don't really know who she is.
Truth is, you will never be able to trust her as long as she is wayward. Then it will take some evidence from her to be able to believe her. That usually comes in time, but I've never seen it happen quickly. It depends a great deal, I believe, in how the LBH reacts and the actions he takes. The more wayward she acts (the worse she treats him) the tougher he has to be. This is not the time to be showing a "nice-guy" persona to her.
She will twist & turn everything and make it sound as if you are the bad guy and have done something she'll never trust you or forgive you. Nonsense! Do not let her get under your skin that way.
petty stuff like washing her cup up, leaving mine, buying her own toilet rolls despite me having done the shopping and so on.
You either have to ignore this immature behavior or else set some kind of boundary. The petty stuff, I advise ignoring it. Just don't say anything, shake your head as if she's a child.
How do people deal with the love hate, up and down that keeps happening ?
The way I see it (and everyone doesn't agree about this) depends upon you. The longer you put up with her doing this love/hate attitude, the longer she'll continue to put you through hell. You have to take charge of what you'll tolerate and what you won't. Why live in with someone who treats you this way? She either straightens up or she needs to get out. But, she knows you are going to put up with it, doesn't she?
Thank you so much Sandi.
She is moving out in a week and a half with my boys. This is another reason I feel so much anger. My 9 year old drew me a picture, a happy face with me in our family home and a sad face with WAW in the new rental house. Despite taking every effort to ensure the boys never feel they have to 'choose' there is already conflict in this poor little fella's head. I cannot see how I would ever forgive WAW for this.
It is beyond my capacity to logically reason everything that is going on. I am trying so hard to stick to the rules and WAW and I do not communicate at all. Any given hour of any day I feel differently about things. Sometimes more positive, sometimes tears just form. I am so sad. My boys are my constant and I am doing my all to give them boundaries and as much routine and normality and love as I can. They fill me with joy and happiness knowing they love me back. I am at work now, wondering what furniture I will be left with. Should I be there when WAW moves out, or should I go climb a mountain. I want to skip a year and start over in 2017. This year is going to be tougher
I am really struggling.
I watched WAW pack boxes with our boys clothes last night and had to hide as I just couldn't stop crying. It is tearing me up inside and I cant find a way of dealing with the immeasurable pain inside me right now. I have been doing ok with the rules except No 18 as I feel such a mix of anger, resentment, betrayal and hurt for her right now. I spent most of the night re-reading DB. Had some sleep on and off. It's 7 months now and my head is like a ball of wool. Every time I find a focus something like seeing the boxes being packed sends me spiralling downwards again. I am not being kind of friendly to WAW. I have put a padlock on my (our old) bedroom as I do not know if she and OM did anything there and she has been in and stolen my wedding ring and pictures the boys have drawn me. I know this is a symbol but I feel like I cannot be walked over any-more and she will not stick to the boundaries of keeping out of each others bedrooms.
My boys came running in this morning for cuddles and to play light sabers before school. WAW now sets the breakfast things up and leaves my space blank. It hurts me so much that I stayed upstairs. what ever I am doing seems to make her more angry and hurtful towards me. My heart feels like it is giving up. I dont want this to go on any more. I don't know what to do. I dont know what to do.
Keefa I am so sorry for this pain and confusion and struggle you are experiencing. This is hell on earth. There is no sugar coating it, what would be the point of that. In my opinion it is better to honor the pain and the loss. Call it what it is. Unfortunately the only way is through it. Right now you find your peace in moments and where you can. There is no reasonable human on earth that would not be feeling the mix of "anger, resentment, betrayal and hurt". Give yourself some slack around the tears and the need to release this. It really is better to release it. Come here and do exactly what you have done, dump all this stuff here on the board and strengthen yourself, find your resolve and return to the fray.
These sh*tty awful feelings do change. It doesn't feel like it, but there is some relief in not see your S everyday. You gain a strange kind of peace. It does not stop the feelings of loss or missing your children, or M, or your the person your W once was. But you get some relief from the pain you get when you see them and are near to them. We all remind ourselves of the cliche "this too shall pass".
Keeping posting Keefa. We all understand, we all have been there, we will see you through this I promise.
JellyBxxxx
Keefa, so sorry to hear about your struggles and I often also feel like you when you said that you, "don't want this go on any more. I don't know what to do." That's a horrible feeling and I would imagine it's even worse if you view yourself as a problem solver.
I don't really have any advice to offer you but I can offer you empathy. Be well. I wish you the best.
what ever I am doing seems to make her more angry and hurtful towards me.
I know that things suck right now. And, like the others, Im sorry for you.
But what you posted here does NOT mean that youre doing the wrong thing. Its OK if what you are doing makes her angry. Thats on HER, not on you. You guys agreed to stay out of each other's rooms, and then she kept going in yours. A padlock was a great idea. But of course shes going to be mad; shes used to getting what she wants all the time! One thing that Ive learned: Peace does not mean Progress.
If you were giving her everything she wanted the last few months, youd be no closer to R than you are now. At least, now, you are learning to stand up for yourself and to gain your self respect back.
You arent going to stop her from leaving. But by becoming a man only a fool would leave, you give yourself a chance she may come back.
Keefa. I know how much it hurts going through this time. It's very fresh to me still. Venting here helps a lot and Azzork is right. Her anger is her problem. You are setting your boundaries. Working on becoming the man you want to be.
It's not easy
It hurts seeing her acting in this manner, again her choice. Keep up the good work. It gets better. It just takes time
I feel like I am having to work against a current at the moment, I am not being the man I know I am or want to be. I'm usually positive and cheery but I know right now I am sullen and very withdrawn and I can't seem to break out of this situation. Maybe when she has moved out we will have some space and maybe can at least communicate in an adult fashion. When we satin mediators she said she hoped we could be friends (yes I had the ilybinilwy) but everything I have found out and all the lies is stopping me being friends. I have told her that if she moves out and divorces without even looking at R then the best we will ever be is a purely professional relationship for the sake of our children.
My feeling is at the moment is how to break the endless cycle of hurt, anger, sadness, and be the man I want to be. All I want to do is see my boys and hide in my bedroom until I either have to work or I go out with my boys. When I pull up on my drive and see her car is gone I feel relief.
Anything I think of to GAL takes me away from time with my boys so I am doing stuff with them every chance I get. Even just a walk in the park.
How do others break the cycle ? Is her moving out a blessing in disguise, how will she see I am detaching, GAL etc if she lives elsewhere ?
I feel like I am having to work against a current at the moment, I am not being the man I know I am or want to be. I'm usually positive and cheery but I know right now I am sullen and very withdrawn and I can't seem to break out of this situation. Maybe when she has moved out we will have some space and maybe can at least communicate in an adult fashion. When we satin mediators she said she hoped we could be friends (yes I had the ilybinilwy) but everything I have found out and all the lies is stopping me being friends. I have told her that if she moves out and divorces without even looking at R then the best we will ever be is a purely professional relationship for the sake of our children.
My feeling is at the moment is how to break the endless cycle of hurt, anger, sadness, and be the man I want to be. All I want to do is see my boys and hide in my bedroom until I either have to work or I go out with my boys. When I pull up on my drive and see her car is gone I feel relief.
Anything I think of to GAL takes me away from time with my boys so I am doing stuff with them every chance I get. Even just a walk in the park.
How do others break the cycle ? Is her moving out a blessing in disguise, how will she see I am detaching, GAL etc if she lives elsewhere ?
Keefa
We all want the pain to disappear as quickly as possible, however you will come to know that the pain is the guide to where the learning is. You will come to have a love -hate relationship, you will sit with it like a respected adversary. As Cadet said you have the gift of time. As for GALing, it's not my strength, but for me in the beginning because of the level of my distress and depression I kept things real simple. If I got to work every work day, if I excercised once per day and had some social engagement at the weekend I was happy with my GAL. This was my plan for the first few months. And spending quality time with your children is GAL. Coming up with new activities and the old favs, plus chilling out together is definite GAL, don't underestimate the time with your children has healing and giving you a sense of life and the future.
WAS don't see detachment, they feel it. It's an attitude and vibe you will develop. And somehow the WAS picks it up, even through distance, and space. It's like magic. The great thing about detachment too, is that when you are truly there, truly detached, you don't even care if they feel it or not. Remember too Keefa detachment if for you not for her. It says to you , that you are fully involved and invested in your on life and evolution. If your W is lucky she may well get the benefit of it.
Keeping posting. Get it all out helps!
JellyXXX
During the week my boys and I made plans to go out on Saturday.
I put the details up on a notice board as per her instruction. I have been talking and looking forward to it all week. I just received a text from her saying she and the boys are going for a sleepover and wont be back til Sunday. This has never happened before. I feel like what is left of my heart is being shredded. This is beyond low and I don't know what to do. I have sent a polite text back explaining we had plans and that it is unacceptable to do this but have heard nothing. I have also sent details to my solicitor but I have no rights to stop her.
It is abhorrent that someone claiming to be a good mother would do this. I cannot stop crying.
Hi all.
Well a very odd weekend for me. WAW took boys against our arrangement and just disappeared. I knew they would be safe and probably having fun so didn't dwell but it was strangely peaceful and I had space to breath. I closed WAW bedroom door and didn't go in there once. I went to bed exhausted friday night, slept heavy and woke up Saturday determined to carry on living. I did the cleaning, ironing etc ( nothing new for me) but also re-arranged the kitchen how I want it as WAW is moving out. I carefully stacked all her nic nacs cookbooks etc in a spare room and got it looking how I like it. I went shopping, took my pooch for a long walk, got home, did some pottering on my kit car and cooked a lovely dinner. It was strange, very peaceful and relaxing in a strange way. I had a phone call from her mobile at 10pm, no talk from her, just my eldest in fits and sobs crying his heart out because he wanted to come home. I managed to console him well enough telling him i loved him and i'm still here and excited to see them both. Sunday WAW came home. Not a word between us. But she promply went around putting the kitchin back to how she does it ( strange when she is moving out in a week) She also is selling one of her cars. She came in sheepishly an hour later asking for my help (I'm a mechanic) but I told her, "sorry, it is no longer anything to do with me or any of my business. If the guy buying it want to book it in with me i'd take a look but would charge as a normal customer"
She is nothing but hostile towards me but I don't care. i spend my time with my boys and do my thing.
I'd welcome feed back as it has been a major step for me....
She came in sheepishly an hour later asking for my help (I'm a mechanic) but I told her, "sorry, it is no longer anything to do with me or any of my business. If the guy buying it want to book it in with me i'd take a look but would charge as a normal customer"
This is great detaching. So many people mess this part up or don't realize the freedom they have when their partner is acting flaky and wants to separate or divorce. My own wife would still want me to do things for her or tell me what to do (she loves to tell me what to do). I stole a line from American Beauty and told her very calmly that she doesn't get to tell me what to do anymore. There were also times when I was going out at night to do some GAL and she'd want to know everything about where I was going or what I was doing. I'd tell her that I plan my comings and goings with my team and she doesn't want to be part of that team any longer so she doesn't need to know anything about what I have going on.
They want what they can't have. Maybe that's a stupid concept but it's the God's honest truth. If you're a guarantee then they don't want you. Never be a guarantee for anyone. A true loving marriage is where you both never stop trying to earn the other's love. Never take each other as a given. We both did that. When she strayed I wised up and changed. She didn't respond so I gave up and moved on. That was the thing that got her back, ironically enough, is when I no longer wanted her.
Anyway, good job, keep it up.
*forgot to add, if your detaching/GAL is making her mad then you're doing it right. Again, good job.
Never take each other as a given. We both did that. When she strayed I wised up and changed. She didn't respond so I gave up and moved on. That was the thing that got her back, ironically enough, is when I no longer wanted her.
I'm confused Tx. This doesn't seem to match your signature? Which says you are currently together.
the hardest part was hearing my boy cry for me. That was tough to deal with. Also when her and the guys buying her car were out there trying to get it going I was so close to going to help as it is in my nature, but I resisted and to be honest felt a bit smug too as I know I can fix it. As you said Tx, she is not on my team any more.
She was looking at me with daggers but I had in mind the 37 rules and just left it and made myself a brew and played with my boys.
ILYBINILWY should be next to 'we can still be friends'...oh...you think so ? Feeling stronger today as you can probably tell but it's still not what I want..... I want the person I knew as my wife back.
Never take each other as a given. We both did that. When she strayed I wised up and changed. She didn't respond so I gave up and moved on. That was the thing that got her back, ironically enough, is when I no longer wanted her.
I'm confused Tx. This doesn't seem to match your signature? Which says you are currently together.
I no longer wanted her at the time. I had given up and told her I was filing for divorce. She thought I was bluffing. I wasn't and I filed. The day she got served changed her. All traces of MLC vanished in an instant. All of her insanity, cruelty, stupidity, and self-destructive behavior vanished. Poof. Getting served D papers sobered her up and she realized that her 28 year marriage was going bye bye. I think something that hurt me was being on record for decades saying I don't believe in divorce and that anything can be worked out and that I'd always be by her side. In retrospect those are dumb things to tell any spouse. Why would you give them such a guarantee without any footnotes? There should be an asterisk by the "I'll always stand by your side*"
*As long as you honor your part of the marriage.
Don't ever be a guarantee for anyone. She had the luxury of me being a guarantee. I forced her to choose a life because I said I'm removing your option of the current situation where she leaves me hanging in limbo and miserable while she explores her options.
Bullsh!t. I'd never put myself through that again. You don't get to decide the future of my life. I do.
Anyway, we're still together and really working on everything. Sites like this were very helpful but are not gospel. You take some things from here but some of the advice her may not work for you at all. In my case it was exposure of the affair that gave me my first opening to change the dynamic of the situation. I don't think any marriage/relationship guru has it all figured out or they'd be batting 1000 and none of them are. Pick and choose pieces of advice that works for your situation.
I am struggling today. I have been positive for nearly a week but today tears just keep forming. I am fairly sure this is the grieving process and mostly a sad reflection of how lonely I have been for some time. Probably since our boys were born. I know this is a cliche. I am still GAL. WAW is almost completely out of the house. Lots of boxes of hers and my boys things. I am very slowly realising they are not gone for good and of course I will see them, but there is something deeply seated in my aspirations of fatherhood, having my boys run in and jump on my bed in the morning or playing dragons before school. I guess it is the loss of my family and fatherhood as well as my dreams of growing old together with someone I had total trust and vulnerability with. These dreams have been decimated.
I have been on long walks with my pooch most mornings. It does help clear my head. I am struggling so much with detaching / not helping WAW but don't want to be a jerk about it but she is not talking to me at all still so I guess I am off the hook and won't be asked for anything. Feeling like I am not needed as well as not wanted is hard to deal with. I don't value myself anymore.
It is limbo and I feel like I am treading water but slowly sinking.
Hi keefa, yes, it is normal for you to struggle today. Your W filed for divorce, she is moving out, she is taking your sons. Your feelings of loneliness and sadness are normal. Embrace the sadness today, and try and get back on track tomorrow.
B/c you don't want her to move out, do nothing to help her move her things. Get yourself out, and occupy yourself doing other things. You are not being a "jerk" by not helping her.
You have my best wishes.
So sorry, Keefa, it must be very tough. It will be an adjustment for you. Allow yourself today to just feel.
"I guess it is the loss of my family and fatherhood as well as my dreams of growing old together with someone I had total trust and vulnerability with. These dreams have been decimated. "
Keefa - Keep in mind you are still a father. And your kids will need you more now than ever. Life goes on, be adaptable, move along with it and make your kids a priority. Good times are still to come.
I'm confused Tx. This doesn't seem to match your signature? Which says you are currently together.
Ah, come on guy! After 892 posts, you didn't know what he meant?
Sorry Sandi. I guess, I'm still confused.
Tx wrote... "She didn't respond so I gave up and moved on. That was the thing that got her back, ironically enough, is when I no longer wanted her."
But his signature said they were still together.
If you are saying that the only way things change is to completely move on. I do get that.
Sorry for hijack K.
You are in amazing hands with the people already in this thread, keefa. Make sure you truly reflect and spend time thinking on the points that are made. I don't want to hijack too much, only put in a couple thoughts after reading your sitch.
You are grieving now. It [censored]. There's no other way to put it. However, you have some great things to help you move forward. When your boys are around, put all of yourself into them. At the end of the day, you will always be their dad. They deserve the best of you each and every moment you are with them. Keep the time about them and do not let WAW talk leak into it. Tell them you understand, love them, and will always do your best for them.
Same for that pooch of your's. I know that during my misery time, my dogs somehow knew I was hurting and banded together to me. They helped me through those tough times when I was alone in the home.
Finally, detaching is a b1tch. I remember someone telling me that the WAW is ahead of the detaching game when they leave. However, you have the gift of being able to improve YOU! The end results, so long as you put in the work, are worth it. Set your goals, no matter how small, and work them. Pour all of yourself into them. You can make it.
I am laying awake counting the hours now before my soon to be ex wife makes it my soon to be ex family. This feels so surreal. Like a dream i cannot wake from. I am utterly alone right now, I have no family close. I do not feel strong. I do not feel able to continue divorce busting. She is moving out this weekend, taking the furniture, tv's, my boys, my family, my security, my hopes and my dreams, my life.
Nothing I have done seems to pave any way to reconciliation. Self preservation is the best I feel I can hope for. Shallow cliches are all I here. It will get better. Things will change. Unless this can be unmade in my head it will never change.
I feel like I am a spectator of my own life. Watching helplessly as it goes in a direction I don't want. I over eat. I starve. I miss sleep till exhaustion kicks me down. I read the book over and over until it becomes a blur in my head.
I'm seeing a counsiler but it's basically ' it's happening get used to it.'
Nothing in life can prepare a man to loose so much in this way.
I don't want to cope. I don't want to 'feel better' I don't want to just survive.
I want my life back. It feels useless. Just empty and useless doing all this.
She's moving out and I can't 'feel' anything from her. Nothing. I might as well be dead to her. I guess I already am. I cannot find strength anywhere.
I feel guilty I am not strong for my boys. But they will never see a broken Daddy.
I don't know what to think.
I don't know what to do
So what can you do to take back control of your own life?
If you aren't in control of it, who do you expect to be? Accepting that you can't control your W, you need to start doing things in your power. GAL...spend quality time with your kids...etc, etc.
Stay strong, keefa. I know these days are rough. One day at a time.
Keefa,
Going through this is a feeling like no other. I completely feel your pain.
The anxiety of the moment is overwhelming, I know. Stop and breath for a minute. Focus on you and your boys only. They need you, the real you, now more than ever.
The saying "This too shall pass" is so true. Easier said than done, I know.
It helped me to read some older threads on here to see similar situations and what the outcomes were. There are many to read that are inspiring and pulled me through days like you are experiencing today.
If you have not already read it, search "Crimson" and read from the beginning.
Be well.
I feel your pain. I'm going through the same thing. You are in withdrawal right now. The anxiety is brutal. I know how it feels to not sleep and when you do sleep, it's only in 15 minute segments with waking up and realizing you are alone. Rinse wash and repeat. It's like withdrawing from a drug.
Your story reminds me of what i went through with my ex-wife. She took EVERYTHING from me. Long story short, I eventually moved on and found another woman to love. As soon as my WAW found out, she came crawling back and begging me to take her back. It was too late, I had already moved on.
It will get better. Promise.
Keefa, I hear you and I feel your pain. I have many of the same thoughts you have running through my head right now. Talking to friends and posting / reading this board help ease the pain for me, that is if I can focus enough. If I unable to focus, just breathe. It will kick in the parasympathetic portion of the vagus nerve to help calm you.
Keefa,
Be strong! Focus on you and the boys! Be who YOU want to be. The rest will fall into place! You can't control actions of others! Forgive them for what they have done and move on! I am two months into mine and it is still a rollercoaster ride but at some point the ride stops! The sooner you get there the better. You can do it just like many others have! Keep posting!
I am trying. I am running most days, I am trying to eat well but I seem to just eat rubbish when I can. I am trying hard at work, am going out each week with friends, am building a race car in my garage at home. I meet with a therapist once a week. I lose myself in doing my washing, household chores. I listen to music, I try and get to bed reasonably early. I spend as much quality time with my boys as I can. My eldest is now saying ' you look sad Daddy, cheer up' In short, I am doing all I can to GAL but i feel exhausted doing it. I just want to crawl in to bed and wake up in 2 years time. I toy with the idea of running away, I am usually the kind of person that stops by the side of the road if someone has broken down. But it gets you no where. you still lose everything anyway. for the first time I can remember, I feel like a negative person. Its been 7 months for me now. GAL is a continuous effort. The pain just does not let up. everyday there is something fresh to dig deep. I have never felt sorry for myself. Ever. I feel uncomfortable venting on here. When does it change ? 7 months and it feels as raw now as when I discovered her affair. she doesn't care, she is cold, emotionless and even her coughing in the other room irritates me. She is a familiar stranger. I don't know her. I want my wife back but nothing I do seems to have had the slightest impact. hopless is a word I would chose. I can't move on because I want my wife back so much it physically hurts.
Hi Keefa, I'm so sorry for how you are feeling. It sounds as though you are doing many of the right things, and I do think there is an element of faith here. If you trust the process and continue to do the right things, there comes a tipping point when you realise you have felt at peace for a while in your garage and doing your car. There comes a time when you go out with friends and realise you have a good time and feel happy, despite the situation with your M.
I think the part to work on is the part where you feel you have "lost everything" and I think this is the time to put your marital situation in it's rightful place. For all of us, we are individuals with multifaceted lives that include work, kids, friends, hobbies, health and R's. R's are one dimension of many - an important dimension - but nonetheless, we may have a full and rich life despite the loss of our partner. When I read your post above, I'm reminded of the quote I once read - we are never solely dependent on another for our happiness. In my sitch, it has helped to practice gratitude for those parts of my life that remain good or have improved despite the loss of my M - and there are many of those things. Exploring the theme of codependency is useful for all DBers I think - Have you read Codependent no more or NMMNG?
I'm not sure if you've seen the TED talk by Shawn Achor on happiness? It is worth watching (he has a book too, which I haven't read) for the happiness plan he suggests. The beauty of this plan is it is all about you, and the practices he suggests are ones that can serve us all well in our lives going forwards.
I understand how much you want your W back. However, for now she isn't 'in' the M - she's cold and has filed for D. That could change at some point, but why would you put your life on hold 'just in case.' Please try to put your love for her in a little box and store that box on a high shelf in the garage. You may or may not want to get it down again at some point in the future - but please don't have the box open on the kitchen counter and look into it every day.
Another theme to think about is acceptance versus impatience. If you can accept how your life is now, and work your best with what you have, that is the best way. Looking over your shoulder and feeling frustrated about nothing having impact (yet) will worsen how you feel about things. If you can keep putting your energy into other parts of your life, and keep shifting the focus away from your W, that's the best plan. It's good that you are seeing a therapist. Are you managing to keep the focus on you in those sessions?
Another thing to consider is mindfulness practice (part of the Shawn Achor plan) which may help counterbalance the busyness. Hope this helps & I'm not saying move on - it doesn't sound as though you are ready to do that. However, I hope you can keep moving solidly forward with hope and gratitude in your heart.
Take care
Keefa,
One of the things that helped me along the way was knowing that my W was no longer the girl I married. The person that she turned into is not someone that I want to be married to. This was my decision, although it's not right for everyone.
We all made mistakes before our BD's that led us here. Learn from them and correct them, but do not dwell on them.
Mistakes aside, we made the same commitments to our spouses that they made to us the day we were married. We imperfectly held to that commitment and were/are actively trying to remain committed now.
They are not.
Think about that for a minute.
The loss of wife, children, family, future dreams, assets...etc is killing you. For her, it's an inconvenience on the path to be with someone else.
Your old wife is gone. Is this new version of her someone that you want to fight for and remain committed to for the rest of your life?
I just got home late from work. Waw has gone, taken my boys, stripped the house and left nothing but a few garbage bags of rubbish.
I can't do this. All my boys toys have gone. Their clothes. Their bikes. Everything.
I can't go on. I've no one to talk to. I've no one to turn to. I have a bed and a light left. I'm thinking of overdose. This is the only place I can think of to help
I am not caught up on your situation keefa.. but lets not go to that extreme. You can pull through this!
Keefa.. Don't do it.
Let me share a story with you.
When I was married to my first wife, she decided to leave me. We were separated but living together for a month. I was a mess. I didn't know it at the time but she had bought a house behind my back and was waiting to close on it before moving out.
She finally did close on it one day. I went to work on a Wednesday morning and came home to a COMPLETEy empty house. It took my breathe away when I opened the front door.
She left me a mattress on the floor and single plastic cup. EVERYTHING else was gone, including my daughter.
I was going to end it all. I couldn't believe what my life had come to but I decided to lay down on that mattress (I remember I kept my coat on because I didn't even have blankets) and think about my life.
Eventually I moved out and SLOWLY rebuilt my life. About 4 months later, I met another woman and quickly fell in love with her. We started dating and I was happier than I had been in years! My ex found out and guess what happened...
SHE WENT INSANE WITH JEALOUSY!
SHE threatened to kill herself! She was miserable! SHe begged and pleaded and begged some more for me to take her back. It was too late. Id moved on.
To this day, she hints at getting back with me when I see her.
Things DO change Keefa. I promise you. It seems unbearable right now but if I could do it, you can do it.
Call your friends or family. Call the suicide hotline. Just make it through tonight my friend.
Hey guys. I'm sobbing but hanging in there.
I think I have stupid thoughts under control. I have no family close by. I have the tv on as a distraction and my dog is with me. The pain is literally unbearable.
I knew it was coming and thought I was prepare but Christ this is the most pain I've ever felt. This is worse than the ilybinilwy or getting the divorce papers.
Thank you all so much. Man this is rough.
Good job Keefa. Make it through tonight.
In the meantime, make an appt with your doctor to see if he can give you something to take the edge off. That's what I had to do.
I promise you that things get better. It seems impossible now (and I'm going through it now too) but it will get better.
I remember coming home after my wife moved out.. it was surreal. The house wasn't empty, but she took every solitary thing of hers. She made it clear that she had no intention of coming back. I was not expecting that. I didn't cry. I remember walking around, I was worried about her engagement ring for some reason (her rings came off at BD more or less). What would she do with that? I figured it would be in the box on the counter or on our bed. I was relieved that I did not find it. So then I kind of walked around the house, put all of our pictures away, anything that had to do with being married etc. I surveyed the situation. Went up to our master bed room and looked around. I noticed that her closet door was shut. I thought that was strange. I opened it... and there was that freaking ring on the floor of the closet. That's when the tears came. It bothered me more than anything else. I still wonder why she put it there, it doesn't make sense.
My point is that I feel your pain, I am sure most of us do. You can make it through this. You need family and friends to help. I am still in this house wondering what I am going to do but it does not bother me for the most part. You will be OK.
It's 2am now, taking my dog for a walk around the block. Just need to be away from the house for a bit. My boys are literally a few miles down the road so in some ways I guess I am luckier than some, I know they will be missing me and that hurts so much too. I have trust they know I love them. I am making a shopping list of things I need. Kettle, Toaster etc. Will hit the credit card hard this weekend. I feel like I am being fuelled by my anger at waw. But I am. It going to let her see how broken I feel. All she will see is a positive daddy. I am determined. Thank you everyone. I am already on prescription but only small dosage. I think I've got this under some measure of control now.
I wish there was a fast forward button for my life.
Dont fast forward your life.
It's the adverse times that make us into the person we were meant to be.
You can't know know how good you have it until you've been at the bottom. Just keep making it through minute by minute.
You can do it, keefa.
I sat up and watched it get light outside. I cannot stop thinking about my sons.
I've walked around my house a hundred times this morning and I hate the way it echoes now. It's like a fresh wave of hurt and pain and betrayal now even though I knew this was coming. Another man has used my ' best daddy' mug. This hurts so much. How dare she. I hate her with every atom in my body but I miss her so much. Yesterday was the worse day of my life. I suppose it can only get better from here on in. I am forcing myself to start clearing up the mess that's left and I'll try to look forward to seeing my boys when ever that might be.
I'm glad to hear you have a bit more control over your emotions. Your boys need a father in their life. Keep coming back to that when despair starts to overtake you. The unconditional love your dog shows you can't hurt either. You can do this!!!!
Firstly, thank you to all those who have taken the time to offer support. This has been without doubt the most difficult and painful couple of days in my life. I am being denied access to my two boys but did see them for a couple of hours yesterday. We went to the park, played rugby and zip slide etc. My boys tell me they are sad. They burst into tears when they saw me but I was nothing but happy and confident in front of them and after the initial tighter than usual hugs, they were soon laughing and giggling telling me all about their new house. I have not spoken to WAW except a couple of texts. I asked to see them next weekend and all I got was ' go through solicitor'
I was warned by mine that this was likely as it is her last bit of power and control. I spent the weekend painting my living room, just to make it different. Hardly any point as I am due to receive an order to force it up for sale. I do not know where I will live. My divorce NISI is imminent. WAW and I have been separated for 7 months in same house and now live apart. In this time she has done absolutely zero to even attempt to communicate or talk about our M and R. This has hurt me so much. at first I did write but after finding the site did the rules. We came close a couple of times to reconciling but it never felt she was trying.
She has been hell bent on perusing divorce and has mirrored her friends divorce in an almost spooky way.
I think I can safely say there is no point what so ever even trying or thinking about the possibility of ever being a family again. My contempt at the way she has done things is making me bitter and angry. I have always been a positive person but I feel now like every day is just killing time till bed so I can hide from it all. I seriously thought about overdose over the weekend and it still seems like a viable option. I know I have boys etc but the pain is immense. I have always been a family man. Family was the most important thing to me. It has been taken from me and it looks certain I will never have it back. I don't want to GAL anymore. I don't like going out. I want to play football in the garden while wife bakes her cakes. I want to take my boys swimming as a family. I want to have them running in to Mummy and Daddy on a Sunday morning while we cuddle. Hope is just a trick. There is no hope. Just a long drawn out period of pain, anxiety, solicitors and hurt while she does what the hell she likes until I die of heartache.
Hi Keefa. So sorry your here Your seem to have execpetd the M is over and often that's the hard part. Of course the anger and despair will come and go but please believe me that things will get better and maybe not the R but your life will get better and you will look back on this time as a painful memory but maybe a learning time as well
I think we have all had thoughts of finding a way to end the pain but at the end of the day you have your hoys and they need you more than you will ever know.
On be GAL thing , it's needed to move your thought process away from the pain and concentrate it somewhere else The term fake it until you make it is there because you need to be doing the things that will get you through this even if it doesn't feel like it's helping at the moment
This is so tough and the only way through is to go through it.
Your time with the boys sounds great and there will be lots of those ahead
Take care. Rd
Keefa, please turn to someone that can talk with you and give you encouragement. You need face to face or by phone.
Keefa,
I'm so sorry - I can't even imagine the pain you must be feeling.
Please try to find someone - a therapist - anyone to talk to just to vent and get it out. You have 2 boys who clearly love you, and you need to be there for them if nothing else. If it helps, GAL for their sake - focus on them and your future happy times with them - you've got to be strong for them...
Hang in there...
My mum lives abroad but she texts me daily. my best friend is an eternal bachelor with no children who just says ' ah well, all women are evil.'
I have no one else. I see a therapist every 2 weeks but it is mostly 'its happening, get used to it' and I can't afford to change therapists and spend more sessions on the basics.
I don't think it would do any good anyway.
I am a family man. I devoted husband and giving father. I spent my time making things, building things for my boys. Always have. I have no family now. The house was stripped bare. I have tried so hard to do any and everything I could to save my M. Nothing worked. Nothing even changed. She is cold, manipulative, and is using our boys to hurt me.
I don't want to 'hang in there' anymore. I'm tired of hanging. I want to have a heart attack so then it's not my fault. I don't just cry any more, I sob. it is no way to live. It is no way for a once happy man to end up. She won. She has the cake and is eating it. She always does. I have tried everything and given my all. I will go home tonight. sit in an echo empty house. I will sit in the skeleton of my boys old room, look at the space where their toys used to be. I will smell there smell and will no doubt end up on the floor in their bedroom again wondering what to do next.
Hey Keefa,
I'm struggling as well. Feeling pretty hopeless at the moment.
Let's get through this together, whatya say? Even if we have to fake it, let's just make it through today.
I think you're wife is gone. Maybe you don't want to hear that but it's true. You need to move on. You really do. Maybe someday your paths will cross again romantically but that's not going to happen now. Now, you need to get over it. I know it's hard, trust me I do, but it's the best thing for you to get over it.
In regard to custody of the children you need to fight for 50/50. She has no right to keep you from access to your own children.
She can come into 'our' marital home any time. I cannot legally deny her access. She can come and take what ever she likes. She currently has sole custody of our children and I am having to fight through the court for access to them. I know my M is over. My wife 'went' a long time ago when she started her affair.
I have nothing. Nothing. All I hear is ' it will get better'.
How ? Will it ? how ? will I get my life back ? Will I be a family again?
I understand it might get to a point in the future where it is not as heart wrenching as it is right now but it will never ever be anything like a life I had or would want to be in.
I will never trust again. I will never get back these waisted days staring at the walls, missing my wife and my boys. I will never see their faces first thing Christmas morning. They are growing up and I am being robbed of my fatherhood. Even if they become good men and we stay close, I have lost the most precious thing I had. How can you level with that ? How do you get past it ? I just can't say 'oh well never mind' and go out on a date or to a party. It hurts to the point of exhaustion. GAL just feels like I am bullshitting myself. there is no point doing it for her . To her, I am already gone. there is no point doing it for me because GAL is pretend. Getting a life...My family WAS my life.
And what legacy are you leaving to your children?
When things get tough you run away?
Keefa. Can you call a help line ? It seems that your life has come to a standstill but the future is unknown. Keep thinking of your boys and the fun and happiness your bring to their lives. Focus on them.
Please keep posting , this is such a tough ordeal and you will get through it
Positive thoughts heading your way Stay strong brother , Rd
Keefa,
I can relate with you. I'm alot like you. I make my partner and my kids my ENTIRE life. And when they are gone, I'm left with absolutely nothing to fall back on. This is called codependency and it's very painful.
Today has been very hard for me and I am running on fumes. No sleep combined with anxiety is enough to make someone crazy.
Your wife just moved out so this is all new to you. It's quite a shock to your system when you become physically seperated from your family. I'm going through it too.
I wish I knew the answer to help take this pain away. Hang in there buddy, I'm not doing well either.
I have some thoughts for you, but I'll save them for now. Just know that your life is worth more than what you think.
Set 3 small goals for today. I have found that accomplishing tasks, even minor, makes me feel a sense of pride and accomplishment. They can be:
1) Laugh once
2) Say hi to one stranger
3) Say thank you once
Some simple things.
You can do it.
Keefa,
Please keep thinking of your boys. Yes, life is unfair and losing your M, W and boys seems like you've lost everything. You haven't. You need to be there for them and for yourself so that you see they are treated well. If not you, then who? Who will make,sure they grow into the men you would like them to be?
I truly hear and feel your pain. Sometimes I want to just crawl,in a hole and disappear but then I think of the damage I would be doing to my daughter. Not going to happen. I want to show her that even though life is tough that you can overcome adversity if you have perseverance and patience.
Stand tall and stay strong. Vaya con dios.
I am trying my hardest to keep it together. I am seeing the docs this week. I've been sent home from work and will have a nice cold, empty, lifeless, stripped, empty shell of a house that was once a warm home where light sabre battles took place, or competitions on the wii or bikes going up and down outside. I'd come home, take them upstairs for baths, tickles and stories while W cleared up and had some peace.
I would listen to their day at school, watch the Simpsons together in bed and get their uniforms ready for the next day. Then sit down with the W with a cuppa and a chat. Was this all a sham ? It must have been. It must have been so false yet I didn't see it.
How does someone go through many IVF's, have 2 children then walk away without batting an eyelid ? it is beyond my comprehension.
It is now 7 months since ilybinilwy and I feel like I am going backwards. Things are worse now than ever. how much more of this is there to endure before it eases ? days ? months ? years ?
Staying strong for my boys when I see them is easy. I want them to see me as they know me. Where do I find the coping mechanism ? How do I find anymore strength when I am alone ?
What do others do to cope ? I am struggling. I know I am struggling.
Sometimes you just keep breathing, that's all you can do. I'm sorry, keefa, I know it's just so difficult.
When you're alone, maybe you can read DR again, or watch a movie to distract you, or sometimes just cry until it stops. Just breathe and keep going on. For your boys, if nothing else right now. Everyone says it gets better. Sometimes better doesn't seem like enough, but then I guess it eventually gets better than that.
Breathe.
I've eaten first thing since Thursday. I've slept a couple of hours on the sofa and I've had a shower. I've not cried for a few hours now except some tears when I spoke to my boys on the phone. I cannot get a handle on all of this still. 10 months ago I thought we were happy. I read some old texts from then and we seemed so close and life seemed good for her. I don't understand what I have done that is so bad, so wrong, that it warrants what has happened. I just don't get it. I'm going to go back to work tomorrow. Solicitors next week to petition for access to my boys. I think I have taken a small step.
Bank account empty. Credit card maxed. Bills mounting up. Nowhere to move to once house sells. Getting better is never going to be enough. Either something monumental happens or I accept this is how my life will be until another change is forced on me. I cannot think in positives, I simply can't find any.
Hey keefa,
Sorry to hear it's going so bad for you. Yes this sh!t [censored] but it could always be worse. Please keep it together and don't lose yor job. I'm pretty sure I was close until I snapped out of it. Take it from someone on the other side of the D...I know it doesn't seem like it now but with or without her, save the marriage or divorce you will be OK so hang in there brother!
Hey buddy,
I know how bad it hurts. You can't escape the pain, it follows you like a shadow.
You can't read those old texts anymore, Keefa. My ex texted me "I LOVE YOU!!!!" 8 days ago. It will make you crazy. I do the same thing where I obsess where things went wrong, it's a never ending cycle.
I think going back to work is a good idea. Also, try and get some sleep so you aren't so exhausted. Easier said than done, I know.
We can get through this together my friend. Let's make it through today and then make it through tomorrow. It can't get any worse right? If this is a bad as it gets, it didn't kill us right? We can do this.
Hang in there Keefa,
My situation is different, but I understand your pain. Don't focus your energy on her, don't read the old texts (I do that too), the past is gone...the more we overanalyze it, the more confusing it is.
Start small with the positives - air in your lungs, food to eat, internet to get on these boards. That's where my head is at.
:]
Hey Keefa, I'm recently a separated dad too and at one point, I too thought about ending the pain in the most extreme way. Not only was I loosing my wife (WAW), I also had to find a new job because I worked with her in her hometown. I pretty much had to start my life completely over. You are going through hell but it will get better. You will end up a better and stronger person because of it. Hang in there and don't give up. Your boys need you.
How did she get sole custody? You sound like a great dad.
Hi guys,
Made it through the night. I stayed up all night going through each room, binning stuff she has left behind, cleaning, dusting and saving all the little pictures and drawings my boys leave (left) everywhere. it is helping but I am glad I am doing it, not out of spite but out the need to cleanse. my kitchen, bedroom and living room are now how I like them and have just me and my boys mark on them. Silly I know.
Thornton, man I am so sorry you are going through this too.
There is no doubt for me that M is completely over. The reason I am so sure of this is I am convinced she never actually loved me. Not truly. I was a stop gap. She had always called me her rock. She was never mine. I went to my brothers funeral alone, work do's alone. friends parties and so on. It occurred to me that the thing I have been fighting for the most over the last few years, probably since our boys were born, is her love and support. I've always been her rock. I've never had a rock. This has been a kind of revelation. It is sad because of the implications of why we went through IVF, she has lied to me but even sadder, lied to herself. I feel a small measure of pride inside knowing I am genuine and sincere and know who I am, warts n all.
Brutus, she only has sole custody because she has them in her new house and is denying me seeing them while it goes through the courts. To me, this is the ultimate betrayal and the mark of the person. True colours ('colors' for you guys across the pond...I cracked a joke!) The funny thing is, the way she acts, it's like I had the affair not her. She couldn't be any more hostile if she came home and caught me in bed with her best friend. My boys are undoubtedly desperate to see me as much me them. I am thinking a little more clearly today but have real anxiety issues with bank defaults, where am I going to live etc.
I took my pooch out for a long walk at sunrise. Talk about mans best friend. She is full of unconditional love.
I'm living on a 50p pack of biscuits per day at the moment but have some cash coming so will buy fresh veggies and fruit for the weekend.
Onwards....
You made it through another day... progress.
Sounding a bit more positive today , sounds tough about food sitch. Any friends you could wangle a meal off ?
You are making your mark on where you live that is good and taking one step at a time towards the future, good job.
Everything you are feeling is quite normal for the stage of grief that you are at.
Please acknowledge that grief and keep moving forwards as painful as that is.
You can do it and right now you need your oxygen mask on,
you must save yourself first because that is the only way
that you may save anyone else.
When you get to a 100 posts shortly start a new thread.
That will also help you mark a change for the better within yourself.
I know this.
another day - excellent. Clean, purge, walk, eat, do whatever it takes to keep moving forward. It can only get better, and you can keep making baby steps like cleaning the house for your next adventure with your boys...
You gotta eat. See if there's a soup kitchen or such around. Pay it back by helping others later when you get your legs back under you if your pride gets in the way.
Brutus, she only has sole custody because she has them in her new house and is denying me seeing them while it goes through the courts. To me, this is the ultimate betrayal and the mark of the person. True colours ('colors' for you guys across the pond...I cracked a joke!) The funny thing is, the way she acts, it's like I had the affair not her. She couldn't be any more hostile if she came home and caught me in bed with her best friend. My boys are undoubtedly desperate to see me as much me them. I am thinking a little more clearly today but have real anxiety issues with bank defaults, where am I going to live etc.
I took my pooch out for a long walk at sunrise. Talk about mans best friend. She is full of unconditional love.
I'm living on a 50p pack of biscuits per day at the moment but have some cash coming so will buy fresh veggies and fruit for the weekend.
Onwards....
That's such BS what she did to you. That is pure evil, at least my wife and I were able to negotiate 50/50 custody and child support (she pays me). I don't know what to say other than you definitely deserve better. I think once you can find your own place that you can afford, even if it's not nearly as nice, you will start to feel a lot better. My current rent is half of my old mortgage but at least I don't have the bad memories of my old place. You'll be able to envision your future life more and be able to GAL a lot more naturally.
Oh and by the way, you'll need to detach yourself from her. Tell yourself you deserve better and what she does is beneath your standards as a person. It's done wonders for me during my separation. You'll drop the ball now and then but it will help you feel better about your situation and you'll feel better about yourself. You'll also be able to focus more on your boys since you'll be less focused on her. Hopefully the courts will give you a fair ruling, that's gotta be hard.
Another night. Tick. This it utterly brutal. the only thing I can liken it to is waiting in an airport for a long delay to pass. I just count minutes into hours.
I think about my boys constantly. I think about what she is doing using them against me. Sometimes I start to doubt myself. Was I a good Daddy ? Am I a good Daddy ? I looked through the pics on my phone and it gives me unbelievable strength knowing that yes with no doubts, I am a good father to my boys. I know they look up to me and we have a bond that is true father and son. It made me smile inside but it hurts like nothing I have ever felt.
I am strangely content knowing they are eating properly, I hope their school work is not suffering. I have a parents evening tonight so will take time to talk with their respective teachers to note any change in their behaviour. I am at work again. Today's mission is to find super hero duvet covers for the boys bedroom so its ready for when common sense prevails. I have no money still but pay day is around the corner and have a new 'single' bank account ready.
I keep telling myself. The now is not the forever...
Your dong really well u see the circumstances and that's all you have control of , you
Be that good daddy because that's the top priority here
Stay strong and positive thoughts heading your way , Rd
Sat at my desk this morning. Was doing ok, feeling stronger. I Looked at facebook pics of my boys. Big mistake. I felt guilty if I didn't look at them, like I was betraying them somehow. I saw their smiles and our family life as it was.
I feel cold. I feel empty. Big step backwards. Idiot.
You didn't ask for all of this. Somebody else did. Print the pictures out an put them on your desk/desktop. You will feel closer to them. I deserve better.
New thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2652029#Post2652029