Hello! This is my first post.
My husband and I have been married for 10 years. We got married very young (19) and had our first baby a year later. Then 3 more in the next 4 years. After a 3 year break, #5 came along. To say our early marriage was stressful is an understatement. I'm currently pregnant with #6, due in May.
We have been drifting apart for years, due to the stress of my husband working 50+ hours a week, me volunteering a lot and being a SAHM and the normal stress of having 5 kids aged 9& under. We also dealt with depression and a legal problem for him during year 4 of our marriage.
In mid October, things came to a head with a blowout fight where my husband had a laundry list of all my problems, culminating in him moving out. I immediately convinced him to go to marriage counseling and thought things were improving, although he had "made up his mind" that we were over. He said in marriage counseling that he felt like he needed to get away for the weekend and go fishing, maybe with his dad. I agreed, eager for him to have a break from work and clear his head. This was Oct 30th.
Well, needless to say there was no fishing trip. I got uneasy about it the next morning (Halloween) and checked the phone records, to discover he had been having daily conversations with someone two states away. There was a second phone number in the state that he had called that night. I looked it up and discovered it was a hotel. The rest played out like some sort of sick movie. I called the hotel, she answered. I stayed calm and asked for him. He had no answers, only that he was coming home Sunday and needed to talk to me.
So Sunday rolls around and he confesses that she had been an online friend for months, and only that week it had "turned" romantic. But then after getting there they both realized they had made a mistake (her leaving a BF of 12 years) and vowed to each go home and try to fix things. I forgave him and we committed to a year of marriage counseling before making a decision about our future.
Things went ok for a few days, until he asked if he could still be friends with her. I said no, that I would never trust him and he was despondent. A few more weeks passed and I became suspicious (as did his family, who I exposed to on Halloween) because he was *always* on his phone over the holidays. Our anniversary was mid-December and for the first time he didn't do anything for it. I was crushed.
Finally, we got through Christmas with both families. I was taking a nap Christmas afternoon and got a sick feeling. I checked the phone records and he had been talking to her again, an hour a day for two weeks. I confronted him and told him to stop talking to her or leave. He left.
So now here I am, reading the Marriage remedy and trying to save my marriage. He said we are "done" and he no longer loves me last night. We were supposed to go to Retrouvaille this Friday (which I know they don't want 3rd parties involved) but I think he is cancelling. We are seeing a new counselor tonight to figure out our next step and he said he would let me know about the weekend after that.
He basically raged last night that he is forced to choose between trying to fix a relationship that made him miserable (me) and what is making him happy (her). And that in order to actually try with me he has to "give up" what he wants, for something that may not work (restarting our relationship)
I have seen an IC and we talked last night about how long I'm willing to wait/what my cutoff point is. That is undecided and my homework for the week. I am very torn because I feel like our kids deserve us exhausting every effort. My husband doesn't agree and keeps spouting that kids are resilient and we will all be happier. (His parents divorced about 6 years ago and he and his siblings are very damaged from it...?)
He also keeps swinging between raging at me for trying to "ruin" him (money and kids) to trying to appease me. I assume the appeasement is so that I make a divorce easier. When he accused me of trying to ruin him I was calm and asked what in my actions said that. I've given him open access to the kids and haven't made any demands except that I need our minivan, which is currently in his name. I am the primary caregiver and need to transport them to school, etc. He originally agreed, then flipped that he will take it in a divorce. Oh, and he tried to convince me to just do mediation without lawyers so it's not as expensive. I'm not going on the offensive at this point as I aim for reconciliation but I will definitely have a lawyer if it comes down to it. I'm not going to lose my kids.
Anyway, sorry this is so long!! Just trying to get it all out.
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
He announced in MC tonight (first time with a new counselor) that he didn't love me, he is not interested in trying to sort out our problems, and he wants a divorce.
I said that I was going to fight for my marriage and wasn't going to hand him a divorce. I said that he is all about "getting himself healthy" and surely his therapist doesn't think the affair relationship is healthy. He said she didn't, but it was something he was "working through" on his own.
I really believe that if he ended it with her he could get clarity on how much he is throwing away in our marriage.
Sixkids,
I'm so sorry. Your story breaks my heart. It isn't easy for any of us but pregnant and 5 young kids to care for has to make this that much harder.
Keep posting. Vets will eventually come around with some sound advice.
I do know we aren't supposed to believe what they say when they are in the affair fog. Good luck.
Rain
Hi there, and unfortunately welcome to the forum.
I am so sorry that you and your children find yourself in this situation! You say things came to a head in October. Could you elaborate a little about what that was about? What was his list of complaints? How does he feel about this pregnancy?
He is mad about the pregnancy. We had talked about it for a while (6 was the plan before marriage) and he said he didn't want to have another yet, that he wanted a year off from me nursing or pregnant. I said that I felt if we waited that long, it would drag out and I'd rather have one now while we are in the toddler groove. We didn't resolve it verbally one way or another, but I was testing for ovulation daily (leaving the sticks on the bathroom counter) for 4 months and we continued having unprotected sex a few times a week. We I became pregnant, he said I "tricked" him. O.o He has not been involved in the pregnancy at all. Didn't know my due date until I finally announced it on Facebook for my friends. Doesn't know the midwife or the hospital. He told me flat out that he doesn't want the baby but he will support all of the kids.
As far as his laundry list, it was a lot of random things. The house wasn't clean enough, the dishes were still out from lunch. Now he's saying I used sex as a weapon. Yes, there was a bit of "Hey, you do dishes, we can have sex...but I had been working on not manipulating that way for a while and being more available. Or as available as I could be while mothering all day. I'm also not a touchy-feely person and get touched out by about 9:00 AM. It bothers him that I don't want to hold hands or cuddle.
The biggest problem though, which I 100% own, is that I would "check out" when he got home. 10-11 hours with the kids on my own and I would just hand them over to him and vegetate. The relationship definitely withered with no time alone and just work & kids. So now he is convinced I don't love him (and nothing I can say will convince him) and that this other woman is the girl of his dreams. Because their entire relationship is about talking to each other. About themselves.
Like I said in my other response, I'm not going to give him an easy divorce. I'm Catholic (and he was until recently, now he is atheist...and told me he won't "allow" his children brought up in any church anymore) and want to fight to keep the family together. I'm unsure if I should still file for separation though to protect myself financially. He told me he is going to pursue 50/50 physical custody (1 week with each parent) which I cannot stand the thought of. He said he would just put the kids in daycare or with a sitter on his weeks (with what money??). I feel I have more than generous thus far, offering him evening visits 3-4 times a week. He works 6 days a week and I had offered to let him have them all Sund
My last post hit enter too soon and I'm not sure where I left off!
He also told me Sunday night that he doesn't care that I'm devastated by this, because he was devastated when I "withdrew." So I guess it's a payback thing? I'm confused by that. I've read all the posts about how this is not the same person, etc. Doesn't make the shock any less
Thank you for the info, that is helpful in order to understand the situation. I would suggest you read about the sex-starved marriage, about men's needs, and Zues has written many posts here from a man's perspective that can be really valuable.
I'm guessing that he felt very betrayed when you got pregnant, because he had said he didn't want that yet, and you still got pregnant. That's a big decision that you should both have been in agreement over. So now, he probably feels like you already betrayed him and he's not doing anything you didn't already do. That is what makes him not care about your feelings - he doesn't think you cared about his.
You said 6 children was what you had planned when you got married - do you think that you at 19 truly understood what that entailed? What would be required emotionally and financially? Was it his idea or yours? I think these are things you may want to look carefully at and try to see from his perspective. We often adjust our plans to fit with changing circumstances - was that what he wanted?
It is key to truly understand your partner's point of view, and treat their feelings with respect. In a M, in the day-to-day struggles and stress, it's easy to start treating your spouse poorly, as you already have realized.
I hope both of you get some information about what to expect in your state when it comes to custody and otherf legal matters. It can save you a lot of arguing.
Keep posting!
That is really great insight, thank you! I do think he feels betrayed about the baby. I was hurt that he was telling all of our family that I tricked him, because I thought since we had left it unspoken, but continued taking actions to conceive, that he had changed his mind. Clearly he didn't.
As far as the plan to have 6, it was a mutual desire. We both come from families of 6 and have talked about it many times over the years. Yes, we were very naive at 19 about what all it would entail and I admit to selfishly wanting this 6th baby. I have always felt a strong desire for another baby and up til now he has felt the same.
I deeply regret not paying attention to his emotional needs (which is what the OW is now fulfilling) but don't know how to do anything about it now, since we are separated and he is hostile. I'm reading through a lot of the beginner threads and feel like right now I need to let him go, work on myself and the kids, detach, all of those things. I think he needs to work through this himself and thus far I've just been begging him to try and work it out. I'm stopping that.
Hello Sixkids,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
Currently you can't believe any of what he says and only 1/2 of what he does. No need to ask him questions because you won't get a straight answer and more likely it will be something you don't want to hear. Focus on being the best Sixkids and Mom that only a fool would leave.
I'm glad you are recognizing that you weren't meeting his emotional needs and that OW is fulfilling them now. I'm also glad that you are going to stop begging him to try and work it out. Any relationship talk right now is futile and is making things worse.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
The validation thread in Cadet's list of links was very useful to me, I had been very dismissive of H's needs and wishes for years. It combined poorly with him being bad at expressing his needs or standing up for his opinions.
You can start implementing changes right away. You are already seeing some things from his side, it sounds like, and if you act on that and validate his point of view in the interactions you have now, he's going to see the difference. Act rather than talk (meaning, just change, don't tell him 'I'm changing'). If he asks about it - 'why are you suddenly so nice' or similar, I wouldn't tell him that you are working on DBing or that you are reading anything, or that you're trying to save the M. I'd just say something like 'I realize that I haven't listened to your wishes and opinions like I should, and I regret that.'
Resist the urge to add, 'will you give me another chance'. That *has* to come from him.
I wouldn't bring up the relationship unless he does. If he does, be brief.
Hope that's a place to start...
I said that I was going to fight for my marriage and wasn't going to hand him a divorce.
Hello Six -
Im also very sorry that you are here.
I read through your story, and this line really struck me.
What do you mean by this? If he wants a divorce, what are you going to do, chain him up so he cant file for one? drag it out to eternity in courts? What benefit does this kind of thing have for you?
Im all for protecting yourself and your children. But if he is set on divorce, what are you going to do directly?
In my opinion, the only way back is him realizing he made a mistake. Focus on you and work on you. Become a person only a fool would leave.
I guess I meant I'm not going to do anything to speed up the process. And I'm going to have a lawyer who will fight for me. There is also going to have to be a discovery process because he has been hiding money from me (and possibly doing illegal/unethical things at work to get the money) My husband wants me to just roll over and make it all happy. He thinks we can just be friends. This is not something that you can build a friendship from.
We can't get divorced in our state while I'm pregnant anyway, so we have at least six months.
Tonight I'm kind of freaking out because he asked to see the kids tonight (3 hours notice) I had emailed him this morning with a potential visitation schedule and he didn't respond until 3 pm, and only to ask to see them tonight. I'm nervous to say no because we have nothing in writing yet and I don't want to be perceived as withholding. But now at the end of the day I have to figure out somewhere to go.
I was feeling strong all day and then it hit me while I was leading my daughters Girl Scout meeting that this is happening. It's not a dream. It's not a sick joke. This is my life, having to leave my kids when I just want to crash and watch a movie.
And now, after 9 years of parenting and never attending a single doctor appointment, he is demanding a list of all doctors and scheduled appointments. I assume this is a play to suddenly become an "involved" dad so he gets more custody.
I feel sick inside. I do not want this and it's so unfair he can just divorce me and take my kids half the time.
I feel sick inside. I do not want this and it's so unfair he can just divorce me and take my kids half the time.
Hi Sixkids, I'm so sorry you find yourself here like the rest of us, it is beyond a doubt one of the most painful experiences anyone could go through. I have two children and your above quote resonated with me so much. This is exactly how I feel too. My H, partly because of working hours, and partly because he's just not that interested, has taken a back seat to parenting for the last 11 years. The thing I hate more than anything else about this whole situation I and you find ourselves in is that we will now have to share our kids with our Hs. I don't want to and each time I even contemplate it I break down too.
It must be incredibly hard to be in this situation and be pregnant too. I am not the best at advice, but I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in how you feel.
We didn't resolve it verbally one way or another, but I was testing for ovulation daily (leaving the sticks on the bathroom counter) for 4 months and we continued having unprotected sex a few times a week.
I don't think he has any reason or right to be angry about you being pregnant when the above ^^^ was happening! He already made 5 babies, he knows how it works, what did he expect was going to happen under the cirumstances!?! I'm so sorry for how he is being about your pregnancy.
I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do. His biggest problem with me in our marriage was me checking out and not paying enough attention to him. But now we are separated, he "doesn't love me" and he is set on divorce.
Do I resort to LRT? I don't know if that will make it worse or better, for him to say "See, still not paying attention to me!" or if I just need to let him go to work through it?
I regret kicking him out on Christmas when I discovered the affair was ongoing, but he is using that as his springboard for separation. No looking back, just getting deeper into his affair. He had stopped using his regular phone to call the OW, but started using it again the past few days.
I'm also at the point where I think I need to get a lawyer to protect myself. I sent him a possible visitation schedule a few days ago and he didn't respond to it, except to say he'd review it. Then continues to wait until the day of to ask to come see the kids. His mood is swinging all over the place and I don't trust him to continue to provide money. Well, I don't trust him at all actually. I'm just nervous that going on the offensive will push him even further (although last night I had a thought that it really can't get worse, right?) I just really believe that we need something in writing for a separation (can't file for divorce until the baby arrives)
Finally, I know the advice is "Believe nothing of what they say"...is that true to the sudden "I don't love you" that he keeps repeating? Is there any chance he's just trying to convince himself he doesn't love me? I'm still numb after hearing that.
Sixkids,
I am terribly sorry you find yourself here. You certainly have a lot on your plate (actually-you have a platter) at such a young age.
I'm no expert and while I agree that it is pertinent to try to understand your H's side of the equation, please don't fall into the trap of thinking it's all you. Some of his criticisms will be valid (we are all flawed) and some will be a pile of poo. My suggestion to you is to take care of yourself, focus on being the best you can be, and focus on your kids. They didn't ask for turmoil, so remind them how much you love them and care for them.
Chasing your h will he is in an active affair is auditioning for the role of wife. Don't do it. Think about what things you would like to change and do it-for you.
Mindreading is a time suck so while incredibly difficult, don't waste time trying to decipher what he thinks. Go see an attorney, because at the end of the day, you are responsible for your actions and your h is responsible for his. Protecting yourself financially isn't going on the offensive. It's called being proactive, smart, and logical.
OW-don't waste precious time thinking about her. Regardless of what happens, time marches on. Your kids will never be this age again and you want to treasure these moments. You will be surprised at how strong you are.
Hang in there! It gets easier:)
He came over and forced a conversation. Which he was recording but I could tell from how he was holding his phone. He was trying to get me to verbally agree to giving him more visitation time. I kept saying I didn't want to talk but wanted to email and he wouldn't let it go.
Then another review of all the ways I'm a bad wife. I'm emotionally abusive now. Then he yelled that we were divorcing in the hallway so our daughters could hear. We hadn't had a chance to talk to them together yet.
I also asked him yesterday if he could at least figure out his schedule a week in advance and he said that he has the right to show up whenever he wants, as long as he's paying the bills. But he wants me to leave when he decides to have time with the kids. So I guess I'm moving up my timeline to move into my parents house.
I'm going to a lawyer Monday or Tuesday. I don't want to have any more in person conversations because it just ends with me sitting on the couch while he berates me. He told me I should've been a better wife and then this wouldn't have happened. I can accept that I wasn't emotionally present for him, but he has spent years hiding money and lying to me (and stealing from his work). I don't deserve to be bullied just because he has been taken over by body snatchers.
Also, I know I'm not supposed to be checking the phone according to the 37 rules. But he talked to her on the phone for 12 hours last night! Basically from the moment he left the house until 5 in the morning. Plus another 3+ hours in the morning before he came over. Is that not insane?! Is this the affair addiction?!
Get yourself to a lawyer before you do anything. In some states, there is a real disadvantage to moving out and it can even impact custody decisions etc. You may need to file for temporary support etc before you do anything else
Please don't print my response to sixkids as I see she mentions a lawyer.
We are renting and he has already moved out so I don't think it effects anything. The landlords are my personal friends and I don't believe he actually signed the lease, so I'm not sure if he would be able to retain the house if I move.
He is absolutely deep in the affair fog. I know dealing with the kids and being pregnant and being left for ow is a lot to handle right now. But checking on them makes you feel worse.
I know because I did just that. And knowing will NOT stop him. If you mention it then he will protect her and their "soulmate love". Again...it will not stop it from happening. It will only make you feel worse. You can't unknow or unsee things.
And if I were you I would see a lawyer asap. If his name isn't on the lease he shouldn't be able to come by whenever he pleases. Especially not to berate you. And he pays the bills because you are a sahm...it was not your choice for him to have an A.
((sixkids))
Rain
Six
There is a huge elephant in the room, one that I think hasn't been addressed.
WH seems to have been verbally very clear that he did not want child no 6 at this time, you both had unprotected sex and you left out ovulation kits.
What assurance does WH have that there will not be child no 7?
WH says he feels tricked, that may or may not be the case although it does indicate he feels that way.
His solution could be to take control of his fertility himself, he appears to say that is your responsibility. Is this the case.
I am concerned for you with 5 children and a pregnancy especially with the stress of it. Look after yourself and your precious bundle.
And yes WH is in full on wayward mode and a OW who would mess with a man with 5 kids and another on the way is in my book major scuzzy territory.
V
To make it very clear as we can no longer edit, if WH was keen on leaving a sixth child for a later date then he could have said no to sex.
This is awkward for Catholics, I know this as I am one myself. The only sure way of no pregnancy is no sex especially if contraception is off the table.
Very difficult indeed.
V
Is it still the wayward fog if he wants to fight for custody? I thought part of it was not caring about anything except the affair.
Although he does have totally unrealistic views of how our children are going to be. Or maybe he's just hiding his emotions about it. So far, he's just said things like "Yeah, it's really going to suck" in a very pragmatic voice, but with no hint of pain about the pain they will experience.
My apologies
I thought I had posted back to you and the big ether in the sky took it.
Yes my lovely, WH is in an affair fog, often the behaviours make sense only to the wayward, no doubt there is a reason, even if it is to back foot you.
You my sweetheart are going to be the stable parent for your children and fight to ensure this doesn't suck!
WH will eventually have a reality check big time. EAS and PAs normally don't last much beyond two years even if they get to that. Financial and practical considerations will ring the sunrise bell.
Take extra care of your health and I will check in on you.
Hugs
V
I'm not sure where to even start with today. Our oldest is the only one who knows about the separation so far (the others are just oblivious). He is 9 and I've been taking him to a therapist for depression for about a month. Today we went to see a doctor about prescribing meds for the depression and his difficulty going to sleep. While there he told the doctor he wanted to kill himself and that he hated himself. That he'd rather be dead than have us get divorced and that it was the worst thing that had ever happened. He said he wouldn't take any medication and if I tried to give it to him he would throw it away and destroy the bottle. After talking for a while, he was on the verge of a breakdown (doctor described it as "crumbling") and she referred him for inpatient treatment.
On the ride there he said he hated his dad because "he has no idea the pain he is causing us." That was like a knife to the gut. I reassured him that daddy was making bad choices but that didn't change the love he has for our kids. My husband met us at the hospital for the assessment and although he seemed casual during it, we both broke down in the parking lot. He hugged me and said "Im sorry" twice but didn't specify what for. We both said we wanted to just go back inside and take him home. We each get to talk to him 10 minutes a night and can see him for two hours on Saturday. Hopefully he will only have to be there a week to get his sleep stable and for the antidepressants to start stabilizing him. This was so hard, to leave my baby there. I could use prayers or good thoughts
Oh Sixkids,
I am not a parent, but I have been with many children while they have expressed these thoughts and feelings and I have experienced them myself repeatedly over the years. It is heart wrenching, I can't imagine the pain you are feeling for your wee boy. He is your baby and it is not right that children should experience these things. I am sending you all the love and light I can muster, for your son and family get through this horrendous time.
We are here Sixkids, whenever you need.
All my love
JellyBxxx
Divorce and separation of parents is very tough on a child and especially an oldest child who is male.
My heart is with you.
My prayers for you and your family,mile
V
I have made a call out for a couple of parents here who have more experience than I do of children's concerns.
I fostered some distressed children although I have no children of my own.
I lit a votive for you and your family today.
V
Hi Sixkids. Wow that's so much to handle Firstly S9 is in the right place and you are doing all you can for him. I haven't read through your witch but will over the next while
We all feel your pain and no words right now will take that away What support do you have ? Family , friends ?
I have 4 kids and I know the toll it takes on them. I won't say too much but trust me , I know how the S9 sitch feels
Again without reading through your posts can I just say the most important thing right now is to step back from what your H is doing and focus on you and the kids
It's so difficult not analyse everything H says or does but at the end of the day it doesn't matter. If and when he comes out of his dog then you can start to look at things in depth but right now it doesn't matter
I'm going to stress this bit again , focus on you and the kids , accept H is gone and while that is incredibly tough to do it really needs to be done for you to deal with your reality.
I see newbies on here struggle for so long with acceptance of their reality and the pain they cause themselves is almost more than the WAS
H doesn't matter right now , all the matters is S9 , your other children and you
Sending you positive thoughts and a hug You will get through this and you will be happy again. Rd
You need to be the rock for your kids, and the MOST important thing you can do for them is to model optimism and positivity.
If you are crying and crumbling, they will feel like the world is coming to an end.
If you model strength, keep their lives constant, engage them in fun stuff, show that you are strong and moving forward.....they can see themselves doing the same.
My kids were much older when my ex left and we divorced - 17-22 - but still very affected by the divorce. But one thing they have told me is how impressed they were with how I picked up and moved on. (I learned to play the drums and 53 and now I play in a punk rock band
).
Your kids need to know that it's NOT the end of the world and that you both still love them.
Ellie
Six, I'm so sorry you are here. Your story is painful to read.
can I just say the most important thing right now is to step back from what your H is doing and focus on you and the kids
I'm going to stress this bit again , focus on you and the kids , accept H is gone and while that is incredibly tough to do it really needs to be done for you to deal with your reality.
H doesn't matter right now , all the matters is S9 , your other children and you
^^^This^^^ and ^^^this^^^ and ^^^this^^^
You need to forget about pretty much everything else in your life and focus on those kids, V has rightly pointed out you are their one stabilizing force. Leave H to himself, you can't change him anyway. Don't even waste time pointing out to your kids that H is making bad choices, they know that. Save your breath for how much you love them and how much you are there for them. Pare down that volunteer schedule so you really can be. Am I getting my point through yet? Give up anything and everything to focus on those kids for the time being, it's your job to make sure they are all OK, including the one you are carrying. I know you want to save your M, but you need to save your kids first. Keep this simple for a while.
I don't come over to Newcomers much, but I'll try to come check on you. Please, please, please come look for my thread in Surviving the Big D if you need to find me. Breathe. You can do this, Six. RD is correct, you'll be OK.
Sixkids, I am so sorry you and your children are going through this. I want to echo what rd500 said. Your H doesn't matter. Don't read into it. Focus on yourself and your children.
Well done getting your S9 help. I can only imagine how incredibly painful and terrifying it must be to have him in this situation. You are a great mom. You are doing the very best you can and you know where your priorities are. Please be sure to ask for and accept help for yourself and the rest of your children. There is a long road in front of you but it can take you to beautiful places if you include loving people on the journey.
I will say again: you are a great mom, doing a great job under impossible conditions. Please know that.
I want to offer an alternate perspective to kml's with regards to strength and positivity. In my sitch, I have three kids who were 11, 8, and 6 when their dad left. As much as I wanted to, I could not be smiles and sunshine for them. I cried, and they saw me cry. I talked about how I felt, sad, angry, hurt, overwhelmed -- but I also tried to share how I coped with those feelings. I thanked them for being my kids and told them how important they are to me, how grateful I am to be their mom. In between, we also read the entire Harry Potter series aloud together -- and kept reading lots of other books after the crisis passed, so that we now have those shared experiences bonding us together. We learned to camp and went on road trips and each kid learned some new cooking skills. For me, it wasn't about hiding the negative so much as embracing a new model of life together.
We still hit road bumps from time to time but we have developed positive techniques for coping with them when they occur. I'm hopeful that this will be useful in their adulthood, but regardless of whose method of coping is "best," I did the best *I* could at the time.
You Are Too.
I will say prayers for you and especially your suffering child tonight. I hope he finds peace.
I'll try to catch up on your sitch. Hugs to you.
Thank you all for the kind words. S9 was already having difficulties before this (bullied last year, withdrawing from the family over the past few months) but this situation sent him over the edge.
Last night was terrible, but I know he will benefit. They already got him to sleep last night! He has been forcing himself to stay awake and I haven't been sleeping either because I keep going every few hours to check on him to make sure he's staying asleep. I was able to talk to him for 10 minutes tonight and he seemed a little disgruntled that the meds knocked him out. I know that the not sleeping was a control thing for him but it had reached a super unhealthy point and contributed to his breakdown.
We get to see him tomorrow for a therapy session and I'm really looking forward to it. I missed him so much today and almost feel bad for my husband not being able to see the kids everyday anymore. I've always been a very attached parent (cosleeping with babies, babywearing, etc) and my kids haven't spent regular nights away from home so this is bizarre for me.
As far as detaching and focusing on the kids, we are moving out of the marital rental this week/next week and I've been putting a lot of focus on how fun it's going to be living with grandma. She has a huge house, so they will have double the bedroom size. I've also got girlfriends coming over to help sort stuff to purge and donate.
I'm trying not to let my husband get to me, re-reading once a day or so the "checklist" for the wayward spouse babble when he starts spewing stuff. My mind knows it's nonsense he's creating to justify, but I still get my feelings hurt for a few minutes. Reading Brene Brown as well to get some focus.
I also talked to my lawyer today and the separation paperwork should be ready by Monday or Tuesday. It's still weird to think about pulling that trigger, but it's clearly needed. Everyone I've spoken to seems to think I should have no problems getting what I want/need (namely, possession of our minivan and primary custody) but I still struggle with anxiety about the process.
I do have a fantastic support system. My parents are prepared to support the kids and I until the baby is 1 (due in June), or at least they phrased it as "After the baby is 1, then you can start thinking about school or working." Really, childcare alone for 6 kids would be astronomical, more than I could earn with my current skillset/work experience. I've all but decided that no matter what ends up happening, I need to go back and finish school.
Anyway, thanks again for the support and advice! I'm focusing on the kids and NC (unrelated to kids) with WH.
I am praying for you and your S9
V
Hi sixkids,
I am sorry to hear about s9. I can only imagine how difficult it is for you to have to cope with 5 kids and a pregnancy. You're a very brave woman and it's great that you have a strong suppory system.
I will like to second maybell's perspective. I feel that kids myst learn to recognise the different typs of emotions and not just the pleasant ones and learn to deal with them. I show my kid when I am sad, not too much though, and explain why I am feeling that way and what I am doing about them. I do mess up big time but I still try to explain to kid that what I do is wrong.
You sound like a very strong lady and I admire you for your strength. Sending positive thoughts your way.
Six, how are you? How is S9?
I'm doing well! The kids and I moved today to my parents and I feel really peaceful and safe in the situation.
S9 is doing fabulous! I visited him for 2 hours today and he seems really really good. They actually thought he was going to come home today but there was a staff mixup so we're looking at Monday. I think being on sleeping meds is making a huge difference for him. They also prevent nightmares so he is getting deep sleep and seems really alert.
Oh Six that is awesome news about your little fella. Nothing like some decent sleep to knock back the anxiety monkeys! You sound good too. Rest up mamabear. Super awesome you are peaceful and safe. Today is a good day. Happy for the blessings. Jellyxxx
My husband is really great at knowing how to push all my buttons and he has been playing on my anxiety all week. I feel more empowered out of the house and my kids are so excited for their new rooms. Looking around as we unpacked all their stuff I just felt really peaceful.
I realized that no matter what ends up happening with visitation or custody, I am the one who has always made our house a "home" for them. I'm not going to lose my kids even if by some miracle my husband gets them half the time (I expect he will have more limited visits than he thinks he will get). Because mom=home.
And really, he is the one who is missing out. I know I'm coming from the BS perspective, but I can't imagine a situation where I'd throw away *living* with my kids for some selfish fantasy. I mean, I know he's all foggy or whatever. But if this divorce happens (and it will be a year probably) then he will never "live" with his kids again. I mean, they may come visit and stay the weekend or for vacation. Our kids were always the most important thing in our lives, and he is so wrapped up in himself it's insane to me.
You sound like you're doing well. If you don't mind me saying, your husband sounds like an idiot man-child. He behaves like a spoiled brat. You're not meeting his emotional needs? Please. He's not a man. He's a 5 year old. You deserve better unless he has a major epiphany and man's up. He embarrasses me as a male.
Okay, this may not be popular, but from my understanding, DB'ing is not about agreeing about what a jerk your spouse is or how wrong he is.
In the middle of our hurt and fear, we have to try to understand where the other person is coming from. Empathy, patience and willingness to change is the focus.
If you want to try to save your marriage, you need to try to understand where he's coming from. What do you think he felt that made him seek the attention of another woman? Which needs do you think he gets fulfilled? How hopeless did he feel to go to this length?
What did you do to bring the marriage to this place? How can you change? What can you do differently?
Maybe he is not the man you want to have in your life. Maybe you feel that his choice to get involved with someone else was so - immature? selfish? - that you don't want to reconcile even if he wanted to.
But if you want to try to save this relationship, you have to look at how *you* can change. It's the only way. And it can actually be a great experience!
And coming from a place where I have interacted with hundreds of divorced families, I want to urge you to not look at the custody situation as a competition. It's not about you or him, it's about the kids and their right to have plenty of access to both their parents. Please be generous.
I am very happy to hear that your son has responded so well to the medical attention he got.
Best wishes!
You're right and I should clarify that my fear of "losing" the kids emotionally. I'm afraid of them blaming me and hating me. My husband is in a cruel place right now and plays off my anxiety to cause me to get upset. But I guess my realization was that my kids love me and I love them and I need to focus on those relationships vs what he is telling me.
I've also been thinking a lot about my role in things. I know one problem for him is that I obsess over money and in the past have flipped out when he acts irresponsible. Actually, I tend to react and flip out a lot of the time. So one thing I'm working on as he makes rude choices (changing his bank passwords, transferring large portions of his paycheck, etc) is just not react. He expects me to rage at him but I'm not going to. I have enough money to get by and it just doesn't really affect me. I'm letting go of my control issues.
I'm also working on being a happier person. I've let the stress of everyday life get me into a slump the past year and I'm finally letting go (of the same need to control everything) enough to lean on my family and friends and just focus on the positive in life. I need to become a better person and enjoy my life and my kids.
I would also like to clarify that I have no intention of keeping the kids from my husband. They adore him, but he is really hurting his own relationship with them. He caused a huge scene at the house Friday night. I had told him Thursday that my girlfriends were coming over to pack and could I bring the kids to his mothers for an overnight? He raged at me that his mothers place had nowhere for the kids to be (she is a pack rat and he's "clearing space") and demanding to do the overnight in the house. He said they couldn't even *go* to his moms for the evening to hang out because the floors were being redone. He said if my friends were here packing when he showed up he was calling the cops. Eventually it was resolved (the next day) that he would take the middle three out for dinner for a few hours. He kept insisting that he wanted to take my minivan, even though I told him I was using it to move boxes. My friends and I loaded all three cars and then waited an hour past when he said he'd get there. He threw a fit that he couldn't take the van, parading our kids out to the garage to do so. Despite the fact he had a car capable of taking them! They eventually left and my kids later told me they had pizza and then went to his moms! Where he had them sit on the floor while he sat on his computer!
All that to say, his fog is making him not the same dad. I can't stop him but I'm not saying anything bad about him to the kids. S9 told us in family therapy how much the divorce was hurting him and later my husband said I planted the thoughts in his head. He really doesn't see how his actions against me are hurting the kids too. S9 is an old soul and takes the betrayal to heart because he understands it more.
I guess my point about the whole custody thing is that my husband is making his bed with the kids. It's heartbreaking but all I can do is be their mom and show them that home is where we are together.
As far as reconciliation, every night I dream some variation of him coming to me and telling me he is choosing to end things with her. Then I wake up sad. I don't want the person he is acting like now as a husband. I don't even know that I want the old him either.
But the "him" he could be is a great fantasy. I need to become a kinder, more joyful and less controlling person before I'm ready for the "dream" him. And if my husband never works to better himself, I can't force him. But I do long for our family to be intact and for us to start our marriage fresh.
S9 is coming home today!!!!
And WH is throwing a tantrum because it is my night with the kids and I won't bring them to hang out with him all evening. He says because it is a special occasion we should change the schedule (he has them tomorrow and Thursday). I disagree and think S9 needs to go home and get settled into the new house and have a quiet evening. Which is what we are doing.
Six
Just read up on your sitch... Wow.
So just a few things that jumped out at me, you've been given solid advice from the members here as this is one rock solid place to land in tough times like these... It does get better and easier.
Ok, your husbands spew sessions... Try to detach to a point where you can see them without the emotions on your side. Some of these may be legitimate complaints he has with your M, some may simply be rewritten history he has made up/mid interpreted , while some are very likely to be projection of his own actions caused by guilt .... Affair fog does have a way of making a WAS justify their actions and a father of 5 walking out pursuing an affair while his wife is preggos with #6, I'd imagine he feels judged going anywhere. So take notice of what he says and give it thought ... More on this in a second
DBing often seems like a plan to save ones marriage, while this may or may not happen... If you really buy in wholesale it's more about self discovery and self growth, this is where the hard work comes from. You can not control your H, he is going to do what he wants when he wants. Currently he is chasing happiness and believes that you are the roadblock between him and this goal, he has it figured out in his head and it's not reality, accept the longer this goes the more that fantasy is not going to match reality.... Meanwhile you have a chance to become a better stronger you.
I too am Catholic and honestly at this point give your M and your H to God... He does have a way with these things
So, I will share with you something that helped me early on... "The list" . Being a mother of 5 I imagine would take its toll on who you are, we tend to lose ourselves while life has its way. Sit down and write 3 lists 10 items each ...
List #1: things you like/love about yourself
List #2: things you don't like (not what your H spews... Unless it's legit and you honestly agree)
List #3: things you admire in other women.
Now tape this list where you and only you can see it.... I looked at mine every morning and made my bed as a start to my new day .. Cali 2.0 was born and grew from that simple act and continued focus on what I was committed to change about myself. Had nothing to do with my w nor trying to win her back, this was about me and I needed to be a stronger man for my s.
Hang in there... You'll get there but it takes time
Hello Sixkids,
Wonderful news about S9 coming home!
Your plan to have a quiet night at home sounds like a good one.
Enjoy!
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
I am pleased S9 is coming home to his muM and siblings.
Joyous times
V
Cali I think you hit the nail on the head! I've been really struggling with my identity since this all started happening. A lot of advice about "becoming someone a fool would leave" and GAL I agree with but struggle with putting it into action. I don't really remember who the girl was that he fell in love with. I don't know how to focus on myself when my day starts and ends with kids.
I will definitely make those lists and start working on enacting them daily! My therapist and I were also discussing how I just have to surrender control right now. Basically follow the serenity prayer and take control of my own actions while realizing I can't change his. He also put the concept of acceptance into a great perspective. Accepting the situation doesn't mean I like it, but I need to live in reality and not my fantasy of R.
S9 struggled a little tonight but took his meds and they're all asleep, so I'm calling it a win!
I have so much rage tonight. WH had the kids for a visit and when I picked them up my 4 year old greeted me at the door by saying "you're not allowed inside!" Then S9 came out and said "Daddy says you kicked him out before you guys decided to divorce"
All while WH is standing there smugly. When we got in the car my daughters chimed in that daddy told them he wasn't allowed in mommys house so mommy wasn't allowed in daddy's house. I really want to ream into him but I am refraining. This is so spiteful. I do not talk about WH at all with the children, certainly not about the details of our relationship!
WH is trying to create an issue with the kids in the middle.
It's unreasonable and skanky my suggestion is to treat him like a petulant 5 year old. Have your boundaries and hold your dignity.
One of the consequences of behaving this way might be to ask him to pick up and drop off the kids on his visits most of the time.
This was your home wasn't it?
There may be something there he doesn't want you to see, like he hasn't done any cleaning.
V
He just messaged to tell me he will be "out of town" the weekend of Valentine's Day. I am ignoring it. I feel it was just sent to be cruel.
In reply to him using the kids as weapons, I would ask him nicely to please attend a coparenting class with you.
I'd ask in writing and save the reply. This is very ugly behavior that can damage the children a lot.
Sixkids,
My opinion is to avoid contact as much as possible with your husband.
Caliguy is right. Use this time to work on yourself, not the marriage.
Don't hate me for saying this but...
Somewhere in the spew sessions there is some truth.
Some of the things he says are probably true.
It is your job to sift through the BS and work on those issues.
You too have some issues that need to be addressed. It is very easy to get caught up in motherhood and forget how to be a wife. I speak from experience.
6 kids,
I am glad your son is okay:) Please remember to take care of yourself as 5 kids require a ton of attention and you are expecting another.
You have received such stellar advice. I agree with what others have posted in that your h of course has valid complaints. No one is perfect. Relationships sometimes get pushed to the wayside when kids come along. Is that a good thing? No, of course not. However, what is done is done. All you can do is work on the now.
I'll be blunt. Who cares where your h will be on Valentine's Day? It's a hallmark created holiday. I apologize as I am not a romantic. Focus on you. I know you want to save your M, however, right now your h isn't interested. So what does life look like for you? What do you want? And I don't mean that you want to save your M. What is important to you? Because ultimately, you are responsible for you and your h is responsible for him. That is just life.
No one here knows if you will save your M. However, I DO know time will tick on regardless of where your h is and life is short. Your children are only this age one time. What's that saying about time being precious? And it is.
We are all flawed. DBing won't make you perfect. I'm living proof of that:) However, I have figured out what is truly important to me. And I also know that regardless of what the future holds, I will deal with it.
Focus on you and your children. Don't waste energy trying to decipher what your h thinks, where he is, what he is doing, etc. You cannot control it. Let it go. And as soon as you are able to truly shift the focus, you WILL feel better.
It gets much easier. Hang in there:)!
Hi six
Just read your situation. So sorry you are here.
Your situation is different than mine but your H is so much like my W.
My W has also became the worst parent over night. Kids were priority for her before. Even took local jobs near the school to be close. Now she's moved out of town and gave me fil custody. She is in Lalaland with OM. Your H is deep in his fog and affair fog too. Abducted by aliens I don't know. WhT I do know is don't beleive his spew on you. Your H said all the same things my W said to me.
It's script. Them projecting onto us what they feel they are. Also to justify their reason for leaving. My W also walked around with a recorder. What are they thinkng ? Lol
What worked for me is avoid. Let them run.
I'm so happy your S is home. My D15 is an old sole too like your S. This has matured her so much. I wish they could not have this in their life and just be kids and not have this in their minds.
I see you have so much support here :-) I'm glad you found this place.
I truly believe the MLC doesn't feel the whole concequeces until every thing is final. Finances, house, custody and sadly divorce. These are over anyway.
Make room for you and your kids . If H wakes up you will b in a better place
I hope you did Cali's list of three things. I'm 7 months in and I'm going to do it for myself.
Stay strong, you are not alone
Hugs
Irish
I found the OBS today. I sent him a message and we chatted for a few minutes.
Apparently the affair started in August, not October. Also, the OW was still "working" on her relationship with OBS until this week when he finally kicked her out.
OBS had no idea I existed. He was also told they just "hung out" in the hotel back in October. No mention of the kissing.
It feels like a weight has been lifted to get the other side of the story. The truth will set you free.
The truth will set you free.
So will divorcing a cheater and getting the courts to order he continue to financially support you and the 6 kids. They'll leave him enough money to afford a studio crapshack in the hood. Good luck to him impressing the ladies with that.
On the ride to school this morning my daughters told me about how daddy was taking a trip this weekend. It totally caught me off guard and I started crying. I know we are separated but the reality of him spending Valentine's with this woman and having sex with her rips my heart out.
Trying to stay positive and focus on what a strong person I am. The separation papers were filed on Thursday and he should be served soon if he hasn't been. He is very angry because I have the tax refund and upon the advice of my lawyer put it in savings until the court decides what will happen. He has stopped giving me any money and says he won't make car payments anymore. I don't know how defaulting on the loan will help his new life plan. Through all of his raging this week I have either ignored his messages or responded with "ok" (when he told me about the car in person)