Hi DB Community,
I have been hanging around on these boards since the end of October when SH BDed me. Tomorrow is the first mediation appointment. I understand that it is mostly informational but I am really dreading it--just seeing him and having to confront this and start accepting that it is over. Some days it is easier than others--I just feel like my heart is in my throat today and I feel more desperate than ever. At this point, none of my family or friends in any way support reconciliation. But I love him and I don't want a divorce despite the fact that I rationally know that I have no other options. It still seems like it is just coming out of the blue.
I thought that we were doing a great job patching things up with summer. It was an awful year for us, but I thought we were both coming to terms with it and moving on together.
He BD'ed me on the day that he was fired. He is a def MLC with acute depression. He has been unemployed for almost 18 months. In many ways, my life has begun to get calmer since I moved out-(that;s right, he B'Ded me and I was the one who had to move out.)
Just looking for some words of wisdom for tomorrow. This is the prior thread if you are interested in the details of the situation--
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...299#Post2635299thanks,
Ladybir
Hi Ladybir, I'm sorry to hear how you're feeling about tomorrow. If you can, I would tell yourself that the time for grieving will not be at this meeting. It will be before or it will be after.
At the meeting, at which you will be looking lovely and smelling subtly divine - I hope you will manage composed, graceful, compassionate and firm if needed. This is a business meeting, and purely deals with the practical aspects of your divorce.
Getting divorced emotionally is another matter and may happen on a different timescale. It is up to you whether you choose to stand for your marriage, but people on the forum always say - it is never over until or unless you have decided so..
Take care, and I hope the meeting goes as well as it can do xx
Hi ladybir,
I'm not caught up with your situation but I just wanted to offer my support. I am sure what you are experiencing is really difficult. I hope your meeting goes smoothly and that you can take pride in your strength as a woman.
Hi Ladybir,
I'm in the same situation. Tomorrow is our first day of mediation. It's just for half an hour, but my ex seems to think we can knock out a deal in no time. He's keeps on reminding me how expensive she is.
I have no advice, I don't know what to expect. Just try to write down as many questions as possible, I guess. And bring a pen and paper.
thank you everyone for your words of support. Gmun--I am sending you good vibes and hope that we both make it through with flying colors. lets check back in after?
Yes please. I'd love to hear about your experience tomorrow.
Sending you good vibes as well.
Wishing you both the best.
Move slowly, take your time, don't be reactive, focus on what's important. You've got this. Don't be afraid. You'll be ok.
Thanks Zues. I needed to hear that. My ex is in such a desperate state, he wants it done yesterday. He bullies me without knowing it. But it's working. I'm scared.
Lovely Ladyb,
I'm so glad you made it back to us and reached out for some support. You sound a lot more anchored in your sense of self. And reaping the rewards of NC. Seems you have what I like to call gumption. Tomorrow you just take everything you have been doing and maximise it.
Tomorrow is about faking it till you make it. My trick is when I am in rooms with hostile families is to pretend that on the inside I am tall solid tree. my based is large and round, so much do no human could warp their arms around me, my roots go deep down into the earth, they are strong that nothing can move this tree that I am, except of course for my long branches which stretch out to the freedom of the sky, where the gentle breeze lightly plays in my leaves.
Once you know that you are strong on the inside, a create of being my soft on the outside, think marshmellow, thing candy floss. Think balloons and kittens. This thought gives the impression of being open and non-threatening, but underneath you are strong, but flexiable. If you can hold these two experiences Ladybrd and you pull on everything to get through this NC phase. You will be sweet!
We are all hear cheering you on.
Lots of love. I will be thinking about you if I am not asleep.
JellybXXX
Jelly - that is some lovely advice! LadyB, I'll be thinking of you today, and sending warm wishes and concern.
Please check in when you can, and let us know you're okay?
Good luck!
Hello Everyone,
It took me a day to digest the session yesterday and more time to digest the aftermath today. Basically, he was completely belligerent and hostile not only to me, but also to the female mediator. Making all sorts of since comments about money and just nasty--just like his crazy pants mother--nasty. The long and short of it was that i agreed to mediate for the time being, and to schedule another session in two weeks if he agreed to go with me to our marriage counselor to help me understand why he was seeking divorce.
I am just glad that she managed to get him to concede to doing something that I asked. He kicked and screamed and condescended and was as combative as he could be, but he did agree to it.
I tried to stay calm and imagine a line of all my friends here on DB standing behind me. I just tried to stay calm and composed---it was hard seeing him though. I started to feel a little more relaxed last night because I could tell that the person I was looking at was not my loving husband but some zombie freak version of him. As to be expected he was acting like he was high on pills and pot and slumped over in his chair.
Today, in planning the meeting with the counselor--he flipped again. He has been cheery and generous over email today--offering to pay off the credit card and keep me on the insurance. even was cracking jokes and saying See you Monday! I guess this is all just more evidence of his personality disorder but man is it confusing. I guess I should expect that the next time I see him he will be terrible again. He seems to flip every time--from goddawful rotten to decent and almost loving. A real mind f***.
Gmum---how did yours go?
Well, our meeting was just an introduction. It was a little tense. The mediator explained the process, we talked about how we'd have to be able to communicate in order for it to work. Now, in front of other people my H is eloquent, thoughtful etc.
But after we left things changed a bit. I was eager to get away, and he insisted we talk. We agreed that I get physical custody, we will probably share legal with me as
the tiebreaker, but when he asked me when he can travel with our D, things went south. I said when she's 10, which of course didn't sit well with him. I said 8, same thing. I explained to him that she is currently too young to be an ocean away from me, but eventually yes of course he can travel. It's just hard to put an age on it.
I also mentioned me maybe getting a small bonus from his future earnings, then he got upset and said he could quit his job, then there will be no money. He was upset that he will have to buy plane tickets to see his D, but I told him that was his choice. He is the one forcing me to leave. Again, he disagreed.
I ended up emailing him a bit later, saying "ok, let's try again". Later that night we texted back and forth about some other things. He invited me to eat breakfast with him and our D.
This morning when he came to pick her up, he asked if we could talk about the company we've talked about starting together when he brought our D back. Of course.
He comes back, he is in a hurry, is annoyed that I'm asking him to take some stuff with him or let me know if I can throw it out. Also annoyed I held him to his promise to throw out some heavy stuff for me before my upcoming move.
Finally brings up the company in passing (he had asked for 30 min to talk about it) but things go south as he says we can't communicate as long as I blame him solely for me and D being forced to move overseas. I refuse to recant and he leaves.
A bit later I email him: lets just do this. I'm super excited about the company. I think it could be really good"
Hours later he emails me back: Sorry. I am scared too. I hate that we can't communicate. Let's talk company but also about everything else. I'm game if you are.
And that's where we are now. Sigh
Sorry for the long rant.
That sounds encouraging! I can't wait for the vets to weigh in, Gmum!
It might be a sweet cycle.
I just keep "defending" it because he has know clue he's kinda being an a$$. If he knew, I would have called a L a long time ago. In fact, I believe I said that to him. I guess that's not really DB'ing.
Roller Coaster continues--this morning a link to an article
Hi,
Just checking in to see how you are doing. I am going to counseling tomorrow with H--I asked that he explain to me why he wants the D. I am a bit nervous for it. After mostly NC and going dark--in december--he is now finally realizing that i blocked his number, etc. Today we spoke on the phone and he was nice and man, that throws me for a loop. Everyone in my family and my friends are so against any type of reconciliation. What will be will be I guess. I rationally recognize that I am better off with out him but I can't get my heart to feel the same way.
Let me know how you are doing-when is your next mediation appt?
LadyBir