Oh, oh, I've been told off from Cadet to start a new thread!
Old thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...920#Post2627920I thought my wifi had been disconnected, but it's still on until tomorrow, so here I am! Unfortunately, wi-fe has been disconnected for eight months.
So, move going OK so far. I've managed to get through £550 at IKEA just getting the essentials for a new home. I'd forgotten how much all this stuff costs. Back at MH tonight. W asked me to do a run to the dump this morning. I said I couldn't promise as I don't know what my day would bring and she went in to a spew fit about it. Funnily, it's become 'our' stuff again, when it needs to go to the dump and re-becomes 'my' stuff when W wants to claim it. Never mind, moving ahead.
RD, yes I remember our conversation in July time. I think I was in crisis mode at that point and would have cut off my right arm to keep W. That's the biggest thing for newbies to learn; it doesn't matter what you do, YOU can't make it better. Only if your W/H actually wants to be part of the process can you have meaningful R talks. If they aren't engaged, you might as well go and talk to the toilet. In fact, you'd probably have a more genial conversation with the porcelain.
Eight months seems like a long time. Where will it end up? Don't know, but I've stopped trying to get my W focused back on the M - it's a no go at the moment. So, for now, I'm concentrating on me and my kids. The crunch will come in four months time when W can legally go for a divorce. It has not been mentioned for months but, unlike in the summer, I'm not wringing my brow every few seconds panicking about it. Getting yourself under control is another key to not becoming a quivering wreck.
It's been a hard slog getting here and if you've read any of the 15 former pages of this thread, well, thanks for sticking with me. One thing I've not been proud about, though, is thinking of ending it all at the start of the process. Frankly, It's embarrassing now and childish. But, that's how down I felt - thinking life couldn't get any worse. It probably will, it might even get better, but at least I'm still fighting!
One thing I've not been proud about, though, is thinking of ending it all at the start of the process. Frankly, It's embarrassing now and childish. But, that's how down I felt - thinking life couldn't get any worse. It probably will, it might even get better, but at least I'm still fighting!
Glad we could talk you down from the ledge.
I remember in the early days, I thought about veering into an incoming truck. I thought about driving off a bridge. I thought all kinds of stuff would just end it.
But Im glad I didnt. My life is too valuable to waste on XW.
Good on you, Huddy.
It's been a hard slog getting here and if you've read any of the 15 former pages of this thread, well, thanks for sticking with me. One thing I've not been proud about, though, is thinking of ending it all at the start of the process. Frankly, It's embarrassing now and childish. But, that's how down I felt - thinking life couldn't get any worse. It probably will, it might even get better, but at least I'm still fighting!
That's good to hear. Your welcome buddy. She's not worth ending it. Nothing is. Your kids still need a dad. Thankfully they now have a strong confident dad.
Well done that man.
lol, I did the same with IKEA. I have a bucket full of extra parts and allen wrenches. Most of my apartment I just bought new, didn't take much from old place. Im really happy with the apartment, Its mine and I can do whatever I want with it. I also don't have the constant reminders of the things we shared together starting me in the face everyday. Being so codependent before this I dreaded living apart but its nothing like I imagined. I now sleep naked and just don't care(contributes to good sleep and awesome dreams), W would get pissy with me if I tried that in the past thinking I was just "trying to get some". To much information?
Agree with the others, nothing is worth ending it. I had the same thoughts in the beginning and if not for my kids I would have gotten much closer to doing it than I feel comfortable thinking about. Glad you let that pressure shape you into a new man instead of letting it consume you, its pretty awesome
Afternoon folks
I now have some wifi, but no wi-fe!
So, all moved in and I'm wrecked. However, I have been invited out for a GAL event tonight, so I'm off soon.
W has been moved temporarily in to B&B accommodation until Monday when she will be placed in temporary housing. My SD said that W got quite upset yesterday, but I guess this is for her own situation, not the M.
However, due to the restrictions imposed on her, I have taken in some of her stuff and she will be doing her washing here for a couple of days. I know it's probably not, strictly, dropping the rope, but I'm not going to let her sit in squalor. Views welcome on this.
W has also asked me to go round for Christmas (which she then added 'you know, for the kids'). Again, I said that would be nice. Don't know if this is the way I should be progressing, but W has been the most talkative, laughing at my jokes etc. in the past eight months.
It is what it is right now. The kids stayed with me last night and SD has fled to her boyfriends to avoid the B&B. The kids are already complaining about not being with me. W has agreed to let the kids stay each weekend. This is a surprising development in the past two weeks.
So, off for my GAL activity and I'm OK. I guess we'll see how it goes, but I don't think the reality has hit her just yet. The bird has flown; let's see if she returns.
Huddy I am watching your thread and you truly are an inspiration
I fear being alone and it was interesting reading foggs response about doing what he wants to do I am also very codependent
I have thought about ending things but as said this is crazy giving your W or EW so much power and control my children want their dad and I will be the best dad that I can be ...we all will .
Huddy my thoughts are with you must have been nice having the kids with you
Take care
Ghost
Hi Huddy , your sounding really positive and that's great to read. Your a poster boy for dealing with all this cr@p
Letting W use your place for essentials is , for me, fine. She's the mother of your kids and you've shown detachment like a pro
There is an end game to all this , Huddy to be happy and hopefully for the Huddy family to be together. You seem well on your way to part one and part two is out of your control
Take care. Rd
Hi Ghost/RD
Well, that's probably been the first time I've been called a poster boy! Ha, ha!
Ghost, this next bit is really for you.
I look at it like this; I couldn't control what was going on. I tried and realised it was actually making things worse. Yes, I was sometimes a bit like Ghost is at the moment - desperately clinging to the hope my W would see how much hurt she was causing, and would return.
One day (actually, after a face to face with NDY) and listening to Rd and Azzork (amongst others), I actually just decided to give up the fighting and go with it. I think it's referred to as dropping the fear. It was gonna happen, so embrace and go for positivity. It's the only way. That fear will kill you. It's going to happen, so, let it, and see what happens.
As for me, W has been at my flat every day since we moved out. Most of this is due to the restrictions placed on her B&B. She needs clothes to wear, the kids need clothes and she needed facilities. If she's ever going to return, you have to let something's just happen, as if it's a normal day. In return, W has been chatty, friendly and positive herself. I've got guarantees about seeing the kids and she's not pursuing me for a D. I don't beg, plead or look sad.
W has been to see her new temporary accommodation, which she moves in to today. In her words 'it's grim'. It was difficult not to say beggars can't be choosers, but even now, sometimes, you just have to have a drink on a STFU smoothie! She's called today about having no money. I wasn't nasty or harsh, but reminded her that she had her own credit card and that she'd have to manage herself. You could hear the fright in her voice, but, the bird has to see how hard catching the worm is. Of course, I have provided food etc. for the kids until she gets herself together.
Early days, but it's OK!
My confidence has returned and the way W has started to react towards me has started to change. It's not easy
It seems the sun is coming up in world of Huddy.
Hi Mutation
Not the sun, just a bit of a rest from the storm!
W came around again tonight with all the kids. Her temporary housing has no gas supply today, so the kids all had baths/showers here. W also had a shower and I made sure everyone had a hot meal. W assures me the gas will be on tomorrow.
Well, I hope so as I'm off to France for work for three days. W seemed OK and has been very pleasant again. I also got an invite to see her new flat, but I declined for now.
Huddy, you are indeed Mr Confident now! And I take my hat off to you. I'm glad you are settling into your new place, and I can understand you want to help your W and the kids.
Not sure what you have done in terms of a possible second key - but that is where I would draw the line. It's your new place and she may come as a visitor, and on a temporary basis while she gets things sorted. I would draw the line at her having a key.
Good for you. It sounds as though you have handled the move really well xx
BOOM. DA MAN.
Get in there Huddy.
Thanks Sotto/NDY
Sotto, I have decided not to give W a key. I don't want to come across as a nob, but it is my place and if she's gonna realise that her life ain't gonna be perfect with me gone, I don't really want her just inviting herself in without me offering. I hope that doesn't seem harsh, and she did ask for one, but I just said I didn't have one.
NDY - bud, hope you're settling in too - beer soon!
See you guys in three days!
Huddy,
You're doing a great job with this. I'm hoping for a little advise. My D is scheduled to be finalized in 9 days. We still live in the same house. She refused to move out. Yesterday she sent a text saying she is having trouble finding a place she can afford. She doesn't want to rent she wants to buy but there isn't anything in our city she can afford. I'm refi-ing the house to take her off the title, mortgage and to pay her her half of the equity. She is asking if she can stay. I had to ask her "are you asking to stay in the house after the D and loan processing?" She said "What else should I do"
If she D's me I want her out. I'm even feeling this could be another block dragging her to rock bottom so she may come back to the M. I'm not going to let her stay. I'm just not sure how to tell her. Any ideas?
Just a quick journal.
W has been at my flat almost every day. I'm storing some of her stuff, but she was having problems getting her gas/electric to work, so has had to bring the kids around for showers etc.
I went away for work for three days and on the flight back I had to change in Amsterdam. My phone sprung in to life and my SD wanted to know what time I was going to be home. Within ten minutes of me getting back, W et al was at the door.
Don't know what to make of it all. For a woman who desperately wanted to separate, we don't seem to have spent much time apart. This week may be different as she now has all her utilities. GAL activity on Friday which I'm looking forward to and the kids have been with me all weekend.
Still getting anxious nightmares, mainly about being alone. Early days, but OK.
Huddy - I presume she is sleeping at her place? Has the tension dissipated? Spew jackets back in the wardrobe?
There is no OM is there? Do you have a separation agreement - formally or informally? What is the agreed days for who has the kids etc?
Hi IS
No, sleeping at hers. Still a little tension, but I now get 'Hi' at the start of emails (which I'm currently getting daily). No spew so far.
No OM that I'm aware of, just a simple MLC, I think. I decided not to sign an agreement, but with informally decided what's going on.
W asked me to help sort out her television. Whilst I'm not her 'handyman', as she asked so nicely and has been really agreeable, I went around to her flat. To say her flat is squalid would be a step to far, but the council has provided it as temporary accommodation and it is basic.
I sorted out her TV and she was laughing and joking with me. She smiled when she spoke to me, with some affection. It was difficult not to just kiss her. She's going back to what she used to be, character wise.
I don't think she has really felt loss yet, though. As I say, she has been at my house virtually every day since we finally moved house. My SD however, is finding excuses to come over when she wants and seems more upset at the situation than W does (visually). S & D seem to be coping OK.
Managed a cheeky GAL activity Sunday night and have a big works Christmas do on Friday.
Whilst I don't want to be seen as being at her 'beck and call', I feel I have to walk a thin line between genuinely helping, being her husband (on paper) and becoming her friend. That's going to be a judgement call on a job by job basis.
Hi Huddy! It sounds like you're making some progress. It's really early in my situation compared to yours - but I don't even see a glimmering of a possibility I can ever slide into friendship with H. Of course, there are some other differences, too. But friendship after such a long and brutally ended marriage? I just don't see it. My plan right now is to never see him again.
I finally dropped the rope. Somehow, H sensed it and became a monster. I just don't understand the WS. He finally gets what he says he wanted and then is unhappy about it?
I hate that we're going through this. I love stories like yours that show progress and change. Right now, I'm clinging to them for hope.
Huddy - how are things?
Hope you and the kids are doing well, and W is emerging from the fog
After sharing my life for nearly nine moths on here, I think it's time for a little break. I will keep looking in on everybody, but I won't be updating as much as before.
So, here's where we're at. I am GAL'ing as much as possible and have now booked a holiday to Hong Kong in March. I've always dreamed of going, so I am.
My W has asked if she can spend Christmas Day at my flat. I've said yes, but have no expectations. I don't know if she's finally feeling loss, or the reality of her temporary accommodation being a sh1thole, and she doesn't want to stay there. The kids have been spending a lot of time here, which is good.
My SD has been struggling with the situation, and gets upset when she has to leave my flat. W's mother and sister are here for a few days.
Did I think I would be living like this last December? No. Did I think I could cope? No, but I am. And if nothing else, that's an achievement!
Did I think I would be living like this last December? No. Did I think I could cope? No, but I am. And if nothing else, that's an achievement!
You're damn right it is! Be proud of who you are and enjoy that trip to Hong Kong.
Huddy thank you for sharing your life and evolution with me/us. I have learned a lot about how to be a good man from your postings. I wish you good luck. Please don't disappear completely without saying good bye. Godspeed Huddy
Good luck Huddy and thanks for all your advice on my sitch
Good luck, Huddy! Your progress definitely gives me hope. I know, on an intellectual level, this will pass, but right now it just seems so far off. How nice to think one day I will be just fine and looking forward to tomorrows again. Just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other until I'm there.
Hong Kong? Enjoy! What a fabulous adventure! Please come back and tell us all about it?
Hi mate, glad you're doing good.
Did I think I would be living like this last December? No. Did I think I could cope? No, but I am. And if nothing else, that's an achievement!
Yes, it is an achievement in the face of adversity but you emerged from it stronger and more in control of yourself. And that's the secrete to all of this I think.
I never in a million years thought I'd be in this position either. I keep getting time hops from as little as two years ago and man, it was a different world back then. For me it all went wrong so quickly. For my ExW I'm not sure. At BD she said she had been feeling that way for a number of years but if that were true she hid it well, really well.
Anyway I'm not hear to talk about me or my sitch. Just to drop in and say well done mate. Keep it up.
Hi Folks
I'm not leaving for ever, just a break. Thanks for everyone's comments.
NDY - good to her from you. Beer between Christmas and New Year?
Definitely mate. I'll come east this time. I'll need to check my schedule with S10 before I can get dates.
Hi Huddy, I'm a little late to the party, but I just wanted to wish you well. I'm interested to read your update. For all that your W wanted to S, she seems to be spending quite a bit of time with you!
Who knows, it may just be home comforts or the dire nature of her current living arrangements. However, I would carry on as you are and see where it takes you. I think as long as your focus is on rebuilding and extending your own life - but accommodating W where it is in the interests of the family - then all sounds good.
I understand a break from the board may be a good plan.....but do come back at some point with an update my friend.
Take care and have a lovely Xmas xx
Cheers Huddy, I don't think any of figured we'd be here. Surviving all of this with grace and your integrity intact is considerably more than an accomplishment in my book. It's heroic.
Enjoy Hong Kong and please don't disappear on us completely.
PP
Merry Christmas, Huddy! Thinking of you and wishing you well this holiday.
Hey huddy
I am thinking of you today to take care my friend
Ghost
Thanks for everybody's good wishes. Despite my vest efforts, I can't keep away! So, Merry Christmas to you all as well.
W came over on Christmas Day with the rest of the family and spent eight hours. We all had a meal and general chit chat. W seems really interested in my flat as every time she comes here, she queries things about it. She re-arranged my washing that was drying off on the airer ('I don't want you looking like a tramp' - no need to worry, I can use an iron!) then cooked the majority of the meal.
Kids stayed over on Boxing Day night and when W dropped them off, she sneaked out of the door without saying anything. That's unusual as she has been saying goodbye etc. Don't know if she was upset about something, but she seemed OK when she came to pick the kids up today and stayed for ten minutes talking, asking how we can arrange the kids over the next few days.
So, I suppose this is me thinking out loud or asking for somebody like sandi2 to tell me what's going on, but I don't know if this is part of a healing process? When I mention things like Christmas Day to my friends they just don't understand why somebody who says they don't want to be with you, would want to spend Christmas Day with me. To be honest, neither do I. Don't get me wrong, it's nice to have her around, but the hurt is still there right now. I don't want to slip in to 'friends'.
Hi Huddy. I'll look forward to Sandis answer. My W stayed x as eve and Xmas day until 6pm. I got hugs and kisses and load of talk of the good old days.
My take is they do miss us but at the moment they have decided they are better off without us.
Seems strange but is it stranger than her living in a council halfway house ???
Keep on as you are and let W live her life. What will be , will be. Your becoming a man only a fool would leave so that makes W a ????
Take care mate. Rd
Hey Rd
Hands across the Irish sea bud!
Let's hope 2016 is a whoooooole lot better!
Sometimes you just can't figure out crazy! Some W's want to have some sort of normalization by hanging on to family traditions.
Hope next year will be much better for you, Huddy.
Thanks sandi2!
I decided I needed some new clothes, so, off I went to the shops to kit myself out. I went on the bus, as I don't have access to a car anymore (despite my W retaining me on her car insurance!). Whilst on the way, W called to tell me something about one of our cats. I listened and validated, but to be honest, it wasn't important.
She texted me a couple of hours later about the same problem. I mentioned that I would have to wait until I got home to sort the problem out. She seemed irked that I was at our favourite shopping centre without her, and her tone changed.
She called later to tell me about her finances and mobile phone problems. Again, I validated and told her I'd pick up our D to go to see Star Wars tomorrow. Mood had changed again and she was talking to me about childcare arrangements for the rest of the week.
It's all quite odd. Despite my efforts at getting her to feel loss, she can't seem to let a day go by without calling, messaging or visiting me.
Same for me Huddy. I try to retain normalization, but then my WW will hit me up with a text. I sometimes wish she would just disappear so I didn't have to get those reminders. Mostly my W only texts to check on D2, and it almost always drives me nuts when she calls my by my first name. I hate that.
Hi Nate
I don't hate it, I just don't understand it. My W effectively spends from April to December trying to get rid of me; this is achieved and then W can't seem to stay away. This is the difficult bit I just can't get my head around.
If it was me, I would want to not see that other person again, unless it was about the kids. If this is a healing process, then good, but I don't want W to think that this is a cosy 'friends' relationship, because, that's not what I want.
Hi Huddy. Bitc@hes be crazy !!!!!!! She didn't want you anymore. It wasn't in her script that Huddy would get through the pain and move forward !!!!
How dare you accept Ws choice and be ok. That's not on.
Just my pennies worth buddy but you are in the driving seat and have control
Keep on been the best Huddy you can and let W live her life. This story is far from over and it can only get better
W is feeling loss and , for me , you are been perfect. Dealing with W with respect and care yet detached from her actions. I know you still analyse , as we all do , but at the same time you are controlling yourself.
Your journey is a lesson to everyone and while I encourage you to have no expectations ,, I see promise in your sitch.
Take care mate. Rd
Some WW's will increase the texting as a way of keeping up with what the H is doing, or they find a sly way to manipulate his time and energy. Then there are some who just act like an entitled princess who expects the H to drop everything to pay attention to her every whelm.
Hi Rd
Yes, I am in the driving seat. I'm choosing where I go, what I do, what I wear etc. and that does feel good. You remember the mess I was in, in the summer, and thanks to you and NDY (amongst others) I re-doubled efforts and have moved forward. I can imagine my W, in her temporary accommodation, didn't imagine it like this, wishing I was a crumbling wreck begging for her to to return. Well that time passed a long time ago.
Hi sandi2
I will have to watch the manipulation thing. Yesterday she was telling me how she was going to have to put a blind up in her temporary bathroom, as the neighbours can see right in. She's borrowed my drill and said 'it's so hard to do'. So, I could have said 'I'll do it', but I didn't. If she'd have asked, then I might have done it, but it was all supposition.
I'm taking the kids on a big ferris wheel soon. I didn't know if it would be rude not to invite W? By the way, neither of us bought gifts for each other on Christmas Day. That felt a bit weird.
I didn't buy a gift for my H for Xmas as he sacked me as his wife. I spent all of it on my kids, and they had a great time opening their presents.
Huddy - you are acting perfectly! I am so very pleased you did not offer to hang the blinds for her. As a female, I can verify your suspicion that she was hoping for an offer. Good for you to not break down and do it!
You are pleasant, kind, and helpful...you're just moving on. It's probably driving her absolutely insane! Now she's texting and coming around? I believe that you are correct in imagining that the reality is very different than W's daydream about how all this D was going to play out. LOL
I think you're in for a wait yet - but she hasn't dropped the rope holding you, for sure! I'm using you for inspiration. I've fought, I've begged, I've pleaded. Now I'm just letting it happen, while taking care of myself to the best of my ability. Lo and behold, something is changing in H!
Not sure what it is, exactly, he's kinder, more patient...something is truly different. Maybe guilt is kicking in? Who knows? All I know for certain at this point, is that I won't go back to what we had. No matter how long it takes, I'm just going to keep working on becoming the best version of myself I can, while he's off flitting about searching for his "happiness".
I won't relent or back down in any way until the day he shows up with true remorse, and is willing to do whatever I want to make our next M a success. I'll insist on MC. Wow. That's really hard. LOL
Truly, he's done some truly awful things that will have to be discussed at some point if we're ever going to be together again. I don't think it's safe to talk about those things without a MC present. Too much emotional trauma to deal with; to attempt to address it without a counselor present would be a disaster.
Have you thought about what you would require if your W were to suddenly have a change of heart? What will she need to do in order to prove she's serious? Knowing that this always takes way longer than we want it to, what are you going to be working on in the meantime?
Hi Ancaire
I hope any inspiration I have given you is worthwhile.
I think if W wanted to return, the first thing I would require would for it to be on my terms. That would be on the basis that she got some professional help - counselling and the like. I'm a very forgiving person, but I don't think anything would be gained by allowing W to walk back in to my life and I just shrug it off and ask no questions. I think, judging by my parents experience, would lead to further resentment and just lead to problems in later life.
In addition, I would want her to say sorry. It sounds simple, but my W has never been able to admit she was wrong. Saying sorry doesn't come naturally to her and this would be a big step for her.
Hi Huddy
I haven't posted on your thread before so I hope this doesn't come across in the wrong way, but I have pieced my M back together before 9 years ago using the DR book and this website (I'm back here again now but that doesn't alter what I know about piecing).
I see some major no-nos in your last post if you do want to piece a R with your wife, that's all.
I think if W wanted to return, the first thing I would require would for it to be on my terms.
You cannot expect it all to be on your terms. Regardless of how hurt you feel and what W has done wrong, there are things she obviously thought were wrong that you did too. To piece successfully you would have to do the other steps in DR book, like acting as if etc before the "asking for what you want" step. I'm just worried that if you took this stance if you got the holy grail of your W wanting back into a R with you, you would blow it all at the first hurdle. Yes, your wife would need to get professional help etc but perhaps this should be eased into gently once things are on a bit more of an even keel rather than demanding they happen as soon as she says she wants back into the R. Doing that will just make her think there is no point trying and off she'll go again. If you re read the "Asking for what you want" chapter of DR it specifies when and how to do this.
In addition, I would want her to say sorry. It sounds simple, but my W has never been able to admit she was wrong. Saying sorry doesn't come naturally to her and this would be a big step for her.
Again, this comes after quite a few months of piecing (in my experience). You have to put aside your need for the WAS to apologise until things are better. They know they did wrong and hurt you, you know it too. If you pieced together, and if she is anything like my H, she will apologise months down the line when things are better and it will be accompanied with "I can't believe I behaved like that/did that to you, I'm so sorry."
Hope this doesn't come across wrong, just that I read how your wife has started to soften and wish so much this was me and my H was softening, then I read your last post and thought, "NO! Please don't blow it now!"
Anyway, good luck. I'm in the UK too btw.
I was going to make similar points but I'll bow to the voice of experience.
I just wanted to add, that IF W does repent and want back, I would not respond immediately. I'd get back to her about it. That will show her you are not just waiting for her, plus you can come here for tips.
But that could be a long time away if ever. I just wanted to say it just in case.
I suppose all of us on this site don't think the same way as WAS, but if I wanted out, I too would not want to be around the lbs.Don't try to figure it out. Maybe she wants to minimise fallout so no consequences.Maybe it is the Christmas spirit forcing her. Maybe she likes your flat. And yes maybe she wants huddy time. There are hundreds of possible reasons. And not all are positive.
I say that to keep your hopes and expectations low.
In my sitch I've written a list of what was wrong in MR 1.5 and what I would want to change in MR 2.0
The old MR is dead ....I hope to resurrect a MR 2.0 from the ashes but W would not get to dictate the shape or form of that. W did that last time we R 4 years ago ..... I got a list from her. I messed up believing if I fixed me the MR would be good.
If there is a next time I want a new dynamic, an even, balanced partnership.
Thanks inpain. It's difficult not to slip in to 'friends' territory. I will take your advice on board and have a re-think. It might never happen, but again, today, her tact has changed in eight hours.
I went to pick D up to go and see Star Wars/have food etc. and the other 'residents' of her block have been leaving their rubbish in the communal staircase and it stinks. W was grumpy when I went round. Fast forward to when she comes to drop off my S for the night and she is the pinnacle of good humour and niceness. Asking questions again about the flat and the area we now live in.
Onwards.
W calls me twice yesterday. Nothing that couldn't have waited until she came to pick the kids up at teatime. Kinda bizarre really; I have disconnected and am living as if I am totally single and with no dependency on W to look after me, but now that we are apart, W has started to act as if she can't do without speaking to me for a day.
I really don't understand the mindset here. I thought, if you walked away, you kept walking, but it seems, as the theory is spelled out, and as sandi2 keeps telling all newbies, as you stop running after them, they become curious about what you're up to and want to be back together. W has asked if we can go to the cycle shop on Saturday together to pick our D's birthday present up. OK, no problem there, but she then plots out how she thinks I should plan my days for the next three days. I had to say no and that I would accomodate what she wants as far as possible.
Interesting change in her behavior. Does she talk about the marriage or just children and living situations? How do you feel about her continued dependence on you? Are you relegated to friend or is it more?
Alright Mate?
Sounds like the dynamic has truly shifted here. Remember the dance? Keep dancing mate. You are doing great. I wouldn't concern myself about the mindset of your WAS. Let her figure out for herself that the fantasy is just that, a fantasy.
I'm so glad you find yourself being comfortable on your own and able to be a stand up dad for your kids. This is the secrete for me. Be true to yourself and your family. The rest will fall into place, no matter what the outcome.
Afternoon Chaps
Good to hear from both of you!
Mutatio
She is very interested in my flat. She has checked out room sizes, decoration etc. and takes a good look around every time she comes. I don't know why (check that nobody else is on the turf?) but, as her temporary accommodation is nigh on repellent, I guess she's started to think she's made an error.
NDY
How you doing bud? We must get that drink soon!
Surprisingly, I am Ok living on my own. Don't get me wrong, I miss the touch of a woman etc., but as for practical day to day things, I'm doing just fine. I now realise how much of a bugger ironing shirts is!
Christmas is always a funny time as I generally have all of it off as holiday. That has given me the opportunity to be with the kids more than usual, which has been great.
So, in general, I can't figure out what she's up to, but I'm not concerned and just living life. That's as good as it gets right now.
She could be up to anything so I would just live your life like your already doing and see where it leads. When I would see similiar signs and try to place a meaning on it, good to bad, my IC would pull me out of that thinking. You might believe she thinks she made a mistake or could care for you and it could be something else like her seeing if your still attached or even jealous of what you have. Could be anything so it a best to not assume one way or another. I still do it more than I would like but I am working on it.
Yea mate. That pint sounds good.
Funny, I was always ok with the domestic side of things apart from cooking. I intend to resolve that in January as I'm signing up for classes. Yip, should be good.
I'm getting this place sorted and it feels good. I've truly moved on and starting to make a new life for myself. Remember the advice from wonka about being Clint? Well, I have this vision in my head of who I want to be from now on and that's what I'm striving for. Perhaps it's this time of year of the new house but it's a good move. I feel great.
My ExW is still in manic mode. It's now the overly happy mode with anyone she meets. Like she's straining with it. This is what I've noticed but without mentioning this mutual friends pointed this out to me. Interesting, very interesting but still none of my business.
Hi Fogg
Yes, that's how I'm approaching it. She's still having problems putting up a blind in her bathroom and has borrowed some step ladders and an extension lead, despite her already having the 100ft one! I think she was trying to get me to go and put it up, but as she didn't ask specifically, I haven't offered.
In the summer, I would have applied a reason or feeling to everything she said or did. Now I don't. I'm just letting it ride. If she makes a move -fine, let's see how it goes, but I'm not saying anything. My biggest worry right now is what to have for my tea and what days the bins will get emptied this week!
Happy New Year to you all!
NDY
Your post didn't appear until today! Good to hear that you're doing fine. Cooking lessons? Beans on toast needs a lesson! Ha ha, good to know.
So, I woke up this morning in a pretty down mood. That took me by surprise really. I had a sex dream about W last night and I woke up feeling awful. It's hard to disguise, I still really love her and miss her.
I decided to work out what had caused this. Well, I didn't have to look far. Sat on the side table in the living room was a 2/3rd empty bottle of Baileys. Ooops! Last night I was watching a documentary on Frank Sinatra (don't know why, I don't even like that crooner singing style) and must have been topping up my glass. I didn't realise how much I'd had.
Lesson - don't drink at home. So, what to do. Well get up and put this down on here; get it out of the system, pick myself up and get on with things today. Kids are coming for tea, so I've got that to prepare.
I knew one day I'd have a mini downer, but it got me thinkning - if i'm thinking about things, W must be as well.
So, 2016 - let's be having you!
Hi Huddy, Happy New Year to you my friend. Sorry to hear about the accidental Bailey's fest and resulting downer. I hope you're feeling a little better than earlier. Yes, bring it on this year and I hope the year ahead holds many joys for you.
I always smile when I read your posts now and think about how far you have come. Do you remember when you used to post about your W wearing a certain top or looking at you in a certain way and what did we think that might mean?? Truly, your focus has shifted so much, and I do think the dynamic between you and your W has shifted too. There is a bit of pursuit and distance going on now, with your W as the pursuer. I'll be interested to see what 2016 brings - but I'm sure you are going to be just fine whatever the ultimate outcome.
Have a great year Huddy ! Xx
Just to Echo wise Sotto words , your W is tasting reality now and let's see. I would advise patience because the cheese less tunnel she's in could be a long one !!!
Happy new year. Rd
Hi Sotto/Rd
Happy new year to you both!
Yeah, I remember Sotto; hindsight is a wonderful thing!
W brought over the kids earlier. They're staying the night. She was in a really pissy mood about something. Really distant and edgy, staring out of the kitchen window - again. Anyway, we're both going to get our D's birthday present tomorrow (a bike) so that should be 'different'. I don't think we've been together in a car since July.
Yeah, the Bailey's was good (what a girl's drink eh?) and that was the problem, I just didn't realise how much was going down as it was so smooth. Feel a lot better now. I will not drink alone in the house, even if it's just to mellow out, again! Drink will only be consumed at GAL activities from now on.
She's dug herself in to a huge cheeseless tunnel; it'll be interesting to see how she digs herself out.
Took the kids on the big wheel in Edinburgh today. Where I work we co-funded the activities, so we got free tickets! I took some photos at the top and sent one to my SD and to W. Part of me was showing how much of a good time the kids were having, another part of me wanted to show her what she was missing.
Anyway, she replied as to how happy they looked. I agreed. When she came to pick me up to go and get my D's bike, she was in an even pissier mood than yesterday. I'm guessing that because me and the kids had had such a great day, and she was working or in her flat, it had really annoyed her. She was doing her huffiest, nastiest talking voice. I actually chuckled to myself as I think she has maybe realised that I'm not that crushed man from the summer anymore.
Off for a cheeky GAL event tonight. It's a club that I've never been too before and the music not's really my taste, but it'll be good to get out for a while.
Sadly, my D doesn't understand why I'm not invited to the birthday meal that my W has booked for her, her friend, my S, my SD and one of W's friends and daughter. She started crying, but I ran out of ways of trying to make an excuse, so just had to tell her that 'Mummy didn't want me to go'. D is going to make W's life hell all night about that as she told me she was going to tell my W that she wanted me to come.
Back from my GAL activity which was surprisingly good! I now know what Prosecco tastes like (vile) and that I didn't mind the music after all. I might even try it again!
Huddy/NDY - a few questions
Did you get a separation agreement when you both moved out of the house?
How have you dealt with the financials?
Does the 2 yr no fault divorce timeline start from the day of physical separation or when the divorce is filed by either party?
What is the shortest timeline that my W can use if she files tomorrow?
NB there is no adultery,abuse, separation, or other reason for filing.
Do you have any online resources for divorce technicalities for the UK?
I see you are on couple connection site? Is it any good?
Sorry for the long list and best wishes to you both.
Huddy! Prosecco vile?!? Tell me it isn't true. Does this mean you're a beer man? I love Prosecco. Of course, I don't drink it anymore, but I remember being a fan of it. Although I did tend to mix it with orange juice or peach nectar. Yummy!
Hi IS, I can answer for myself and will let Huddy provide his answers
Huddy/NDY - a few questions
Did you get a separation agreement when you both moved out of the house?
I didn't no. We attempted this via mediation but those sessions broke down. Once the L's were involved everything changed as ExW was being very unfair.
How have you dealt with the financials?
Everything is 50/50. To sell the house you need an interim agreement. This is a legal document that the L's will draw up. But both my ExW and I have decent salaries so neither one is dependent on the other. In Scotland that means neither can claim any form of maintenance.
Does the 2 yr no fault divorce timeline start from the day of physical separation or when the divorce is filed by either party?
In Scotland it starts from the agreed separation date.
What is the shortest timeline that my W can use if she files tomorrow?
NB there is no adultery,abuse, separation, or other reason for filing.
If the D isn't disputed in Scotland it's still 2 years. If it is disputed it's 5 years from separation date but I'd double check with your own L on this as it may be different in England.
Do you have any online resources for divorce technicalities for the UK?
Yes, lots but unfortunately we can't post links to other sites here. There is a plethora of resources available if you do a search, especially for 'Dads' (hint hint) that are divorcing.
I see you are on couple connection site? Is it any good?
NOt sure what this means?
Sorry for the long list and best wishes to you both.
No problem. One thing I would say though is always seek proper advice from a real L. Above is only my experience so please take it with a pinch of salt. I'm not a L and not qualified to advise in anything Legal.
Cheers
Hi Isit, I'm also in the UK...
I would see a few L for a free 30 min consultation. All in the UK do that as far as I am aware. Go with your circs and assets set out on a page of A4 - plus a list of Qs to ask them.
The 2 years starts from day of physical S. Your W could do what my H did and file on unreasonable behaviour grounds. The bar is pretty low on what constitutes UB.
There is some useful info on the gov.uk site - and if you google a few of your Qs, many solicitors have good fact sheets. I recall reading some of the stuff be 'Terry's' which was useful.
It helps to get to a point of knowledge, and then you can make informed decisions....
Take care xx
Hi IS
Hope you're doing OK. It's gonna be tough, but you will get through this.
Practical matters need to be at the front of your planning right now. It'll be difficult to avoid the emotional grief, but you have to get your head together or you will be a physical and mental wreck which will be no good for you or your kids.
My W went to a L to try and force me to get a separation agreement. Now the law in the rest of the UK might be slightly different, but here in Scotland, if you enter in to one, they are administered by the court, and only a Sheriff (Judge) can alter the terms. Well, that didn't suit me, so I decided not to sign. That is perfectly within your rights, but you have to make sure you're not gonna get $crewed over by your W. Who pays the bills? Who earns the money? Who's taking responsibility for the kids? If you can't agree this mutually, then I would suggest that you get one. I would also suggest you get legal advice. I waited, thinking like all LBS's that your W will just spring back - don't. This is time for action. You don't have to carry out any recommendations, but knowledge is power.
Financially, we have sold the house, paid off our dues and split what's left. As for maintenance payments etc., there is a formula on the .gov website that tells you how much you are legally require to pay. In my case I simply quoted this to my W; she wasn't happy as she seemed to think she should be getting a whole lot more, but I told her if she wanted to challenge the amount, as the aggressor, she would have to pay the costs and on-going costs. Trust me, they soon back down when you show how serious you are and that you are confident in the knowledge that you have. My bud NDY told me this and it worked. Knowledge and confidence is the key. Heed the words of sandi2 about confidence.
I believe the two year rule starts from the quoted day of separation. This also applies to things like pensions etc.. This is worth knowing as if it does come to a D, your W will only be entitled to 50% of your pension from the day you got married to the day you separated, and no more. So, let's say you are now separated (if that's a mutually agreed date and it's documented) and you get a massive chunk of money put in to your pension, she would not be able to claim on that slice. If this makes sense, good, if not, again check out the pension section of the .gov website and talk to your L.
Again, the law may vary in the rest of the UK, but as long as there is no abuse etc., you can go for a divorce after one year in Scotland, as long as both parties agree, or it can be progressed by either of you after two years. Note, unless you have agreed childcare arrangements, you will be legally required to attend counselling to ensure the children's welfare. You will not be granted any kind of separation or divorce until the children's future is secure. If either of you can't agree, the court will decide. Beware, this is hideously expensive, so try and agree beforehand.
All the online stuff is on the .gov site and I think there is a site called 'single dads' or something like that. Try and avoid the Dad's Justice stuff as there are a lot of people on there who is very bitter and spout nonsense.
I don't know about a couple connection site - me and NDY have met and had a beer, and intend to meet again.
Hopefully you're not gonna need all this stuff, but for now, youneed to take back some of the initiative and don't be bullied by your W in to anything that you don't want. Remember, it's your life and you need to be happy 12/18 months down the line.
Hope this helps.
Hi Ancaire
No, I'm more a Southern Comfort/Baileys/Amaretto man myself - shorts, you can't beat them! If it's wine, it's got to be really sweet. Champagne/proseco just doesn't do it for me. It was free, so I drank it!
If it comes to beer, I used to drink Guinness, but the after effects the next morning were 'different'! I'm now either a Magners or IPA drinker. I'm also partial to some advocaat. I spent a bit of time in the Netherlands, where it's the national drink, and I don't mind that neat or with lemonade!
I love all the drinks you just mentioned! I used to drink Guinness a lot, back in the day.
I've recently learned I have to give up drinking. I suffer from Major Depression that is normally beautifully controlled. I had a really bad thing happen during this entire debacle that was a direct result of my brain chemistry, already iffy because of my H's actions, going haywire after drinking some margaritas. I never knew such a thing was possible! It's never happened before, but then I've never been in this situation before.
So, for me? I just decided now that I know it can happen, it's just best not to tempt fate and avoid all alcohol. It hasn't been much of a struggle. It's just that I like the occasional drink, and giving it up is somewhat akin to deciding to not have cookies anymore. Sure, I can live without them...but darn! They were good. LOL
Thanks to NDY, Sotto and Huddy for the great advise and sorry to hijack your thread Huddy
I dont intend to separate or file etc but during our last R talk W implied she wanted a 2 year separation followed by divorce - amicable of course whatever that means.
I don't think W has seen a L and suspect she has spoken to one of her GFs who went through a very messy divorce with an a**hole husband. There was no OM/OW and GF probably D'd via unreasonable behaviour - he watched porn and smoked pot in the house with the kids around - he made the GFs life hell through throughout the D contesting custody and money/pension to get as much as possible from her. - he is a painter/decorator, she a high flying company exec on £100k+!
Sotto: Is there a timeline for D under Unreasonable behaviour?
What are W's options if I dont move out?
She can move out or she can file for D (via unreasonable behaviour) or we live in limbo? or she can threaten D unless I move out
Anything I'm missing?
My options? Stay in limbo or separate (but the divorce timeline starts ticking.
Hi Isit, I'll respond on your thread if that's okay?
Cheers, Sotto xx
No problem for hi-jack. We're all in this together!
W brings over the kids and instantly thrusts a piece of paper in to my hand. W has requested that I remove my name from the joint bank account. This isn't a problem as it's something I planned to do anyway. She requests I sign in instantly. I decide to tell her I'd do it in my own time. Instant pissy fest!
As I perused the document, W then asked me to provide my bank card and either give it to her, or, cut it up in front of her. This is obviously ridiculous behaviour and I tell W that I will destroy the card when I'm ready and won't hand it over. By now W is in a mega huff and is shouting one word answers/questions at me. The kids are wanting drinks/snacks, so I decide to see to them first. Some kids are deserving of my attention, the bigger kids will just have to wait their turn!
I sign the required document, but refuse to cut up the card in front of her. It just smacks of control. W then tells me that I am having going to have to 'have the day off' as she is going to her parents and the kids need picking up from school. Again, I validate, but tell her I can't promise and I will see what I can do. Privately, I will have half a day - I don't really care if she's going clubbing, swinging or whatever else her sister has got planned 230 miles away, it's the principle of control.
So, it goes to prove that when you stand up to your WAS, they will get extremely angry and manipulative when you don't play by their rules!
Huddy
How are things not seen you for a few day how is life treating you
How are you managing the children and work how is the new place did you have a good Christmas and new year I think you may be away if I remember rightly so enjoy
Take care
Ghost
So, it goes to prove that when you stand up to your WAS, they will get extremely angry and manipulative when you don't play by their rules!
Absolutely. The worst spew I get is when I stand up for myself. This is new behavior from me and STBXH doesn't care for it much. I always get attacked when I disobey in some fashion - such as not agreeing with something he says...so ridiculous.
This situation is not fun. I cannot recommend it for anyone.
Huddy, you are right to not let yourself be bullied but you came across as being controlling yourself.Just because she asked/wants you to do something is not a reason not to do it. I think you are right in what you are doing but sometimes are borderline to crossing over where you don't want to go.
Just a friendly observation.....not a critic.
Without giving false hope I think you may get her back. If you still want her
by then!
All the best.
Hi Folks
No, I've been looking at some old chums on the forum, but have been super busy, so not had much chance to post!
The incident with the card Roiste had to be seen to be believed. My W handled it with such aggression - pushing stuff in to my hand, expecting me to sign without reading; expecting me to cut cards up in front of her - I had to say no otherwise I would have come over as a pushover. I'm not quite sure how any of my actions came over as controlling. I simply refused to do what she wanted, when she wanted it done. It would have been humiliating to do all this in front of my three kids. Don't forget, she then wanted me to do something that favoured her, not me.
I have been without the kids this weekend, so I went for a good six mile walk. I had something to eat whilst I was out and although it was incredibly cold, I enjoyed it. W had asked me to help her move the big TV from storage at my flat to her temporary accommodation. I agreed to do this on Saturday and asked her to contact me to tell me what time she wanted to do it etc. She didn't call, so I left it. I had planned a GAL activity tonight, but as it's snowing and really cold, I decided that the TV was more entertaining. Don't get me wrong, I would have loved to go out, but it would have meant a 22 mile round trip, and the night bus home - in the snow, sometimes you've got to say no!
I can't help, though, shake the feeling of redundancy. One minute you're a valued part of the family, next, with no warning, you're no longer required. That is the only part I am having difficulty with. I also fear the day I may have to do dating - at 43 the pool of available people is low and whilst I have got my confidence back, I'm not sure I can muster the ability to put my 'bullsh!t' filter back on. That is one thing I have developed, that I don't like; the inability to actually talk to somebody and if they start stringing me a line, I can't help but tell them I think they are talking nonsense and I walk away or move on to somebody else. It'll come with time, I suppose - lack of trust and all that!
Hi mate
The incident with the card Roiste had to be seen to be believed. My W handled it with such aggression - pushing stuff in to my hand, expecting me to sign without reading; expecting me to cut cards up in front of her - I had to say no otherwise I would have come over as a pushover. I'm not quite sure how any of my actions came over as controlling. I simply refused to do what she wanted, when she wanted it done. It would have been humiliating to do all this in front of my three kids. Don't forget, she then wanted me to do something that favoured her, not me.
Smetimes it's difficult to convey what really happened online. It can read wrong and looks like you were being a bit of a jerk but I know this isn't the case. I fully understand how the WW still thinks they are in control of your life and I fully understand the need to get the message across that this isn't the case at all. Sure, it'll p!ss them off but tough. I think you did well here.
As for the dating thing. I hear ya. There's plenty of time for that. You should head over to Zuse's thread. He and GB are having quite an insightful discussion on this very subject. Ok so all our circumstances are different but there are some gems of insight in there.
Pint soon?
Hi NDY
Good to see you!
Yes, it is difficult to put over how things happen on a forum. I was pleasant throughout the whole conversation; she just spewed because I wouldn't do it at the time and speed she wanted it done. I have read this on many threads here - WAW wants to continue to control the LBS and when they don't comply, then the spew jackets are required.
Same thing with the TV. W has just called around to get a package for SD. Asked her about TV and she said she couldn't 'just palm the kids off'. I never said she could, so we've arranged for another day.
Dating is something I think I am going to dread. I don't feel lonely, just missing that 'thing' you get being with a woman. Well, you know! I can't help thinking I'm running out of time - silly, but hey.
Pint - why yes! I've got the kids this next weekend, but I think I can do the start of February - let me know by text when you're available.
Huddy - You don't have to date until you're ready. Like you, I was really worried about what on earth I was going to find out there. I kept saying I was going to go join a bereavement group - because I only wanted to date widowers.
Finally, my mind is clearing. There are plenty of people like us out there. Plenty of folks who understand commitment and honoring vows who have been left by someone completely undeserving of what we have to offer.
There is some comfort in being a "twosome" - companionship, someone to hang with, the "obvious" (LOL) - but I don't plan to date anyone unless I get to the point I am perfectly fine being completely on my own. I want to be stronger, healthier, more able to weather anything that comes my way.
I'm happy to use this forum to chat with people until that day comes, if it ever does. I take comfort in knowing that there
are fine men still out there...just look at the wonderful guys we have here!
Maybe that will help a bit? Good people exist.
You are not running out of time. You have plenty of time.
Helped my W take the 'family' TV to her temporary accomodation today. SD, S & D came to my flat for tea whilst I went with W to help her. It's a six year old 50 inch thing and it weighs a ton! I helped her set it up. We had to go to the supermarket to get a new remote control. All very pleasant. W looked gorgeous but she admitted her new location was 'rough' and her flat 'poor' (as in quality).
W has been offered some stees (couches) and she asked if she could store them at my flat. She said something odd - 'you know, just for now, anything could happen'. A bizarre statement.
I look at her though and think there is no way she's coming back. She has been talking to the housing authority today and they have told her she could be in her 'temporary' home for two years. She doesn't seem to be missing me or pining me. I'm not sitting there wringing my hands, so I wonder if I should start thinking, again, about moving on.
W doesn't know about my trip to Hong Kong and I'm not planning on telling her. My friends at work keep telling me not to take her back and that by helping her move stuff to her flat/store it for her, that I'm being used. I don't feel I'm being used, but I'm too close. Maybe I'm not viewing it objectively. We've been chatting quite happily tonight; there felt like some warmth, but this may just have been to get me to help her. Perhaps I should wait a little longer....
It is not easy to know what path to take. Just be true to yourself. If you help her with stuff I think that is OK as long as it is done just for that with no expectations. I also don't see any reason to not be friendly.
I would definitely not be fully available though.Be busy doing stuff. Why not mention the trip. Not to rub her face in it but it does show you are thinking of YOU.
Don't mind read.
All the best
Hi Huddy. Unfortunately there is no handbook for how to deal with this and I think your doing really well. W coming forward or being warm means nothing You know this and if she decides to reconnect I think you will know.
I had alot of people tell me that I was too black and white with W but it was right for me. I help like you do but won't contact unless she starts it and never talk about R
I'm sure your W knows you love her still but I would also be sure she knows that you are able to move on as well.
You have become a man only a fool would leave and now you will see if / when she emerges from her fog if she can see that.
The trip sounds great and IMHO I would mention it as it is a big deal that maybe you would mention to someone , especially if W is going to be looking after the kids while your away
Again , you are a poster boy for DBing. Every time I see you've posted I look to see the next improvement in how you are dealing with a poo sitch
Take care. Rd
Hi Guys
Thanks for feedback. I have to admit that one of people telling me that they think my W is using me is in a messy divorce and they are embittered and hateful.
Rd, I haven't contacted my W unless it's about the kids or money for joint things we still have (life assurance etc.). My only fear about telling her about going to Hong Kong is that she may see a reason to, at the last minute, find some reason for me not to go. This is not based on fact, just a hunch. I'll mull that one for now.
Poster boy for DB! Rd, last summer you picqued my thoughts towards W (I thought I was right - you were wrong) and I had a couple of weeks away before I resumed my 'studies'. I WAS WRONG. Well, if it wasn't for the likes of you, NDY etc. I would probably be skulking in a corner, so, I owe it all to you guys!
Those guys may have given you the map Huddy but you walked the walk. When your gone do you think your family will camp out at your place?
Hi Mutatio
Not unless they break in to my flat - I haven't given W a key!
Hi Huddy. As Mutatio says. The road map is here for all , you chose to follow it and dragged yourself out of the self pity and analysing everything W said or did
I don't often post when I see positives because a lot of LBSs are already looking for hope everywhere they can BUT in your sitch I see a lot of positives and who knows what's down the road
Take care. Rd
It's my W's birthday today. I've had the kids all weekend as W has gone to her parents and SD has gone to her paternal father's 50th birthday bash. I have no idea what W is doing down there. Maybe she's gone to the party, maybe she's gone out with her sister - who knows!
My D, however, wonders why W has gone away (so, I guess she didn't tell her) and why hasn't Daddy bought Mummy a present. Hmm..tough one to answer. Well, I have arranged for SD to buy a box of chocolates from the kids for her, but I haven't bought anything. That may seem mean etc., but W didn't get em anything for Christmas, not even a card, so, I think that is the right and proper process. My D wants to buy Mummy a cake, so I guess I'll have to do that.
She'll be back late tonight to pick up the kids.
Not mean. You followed sandi's rules. You don't acknowledge birthdays, Mother's Day, Christmas or any of that stuff. She fired you as her H remember? You should do something on behalf of the kids. That's a given but it's from the kids and not you. My ExW's birthday is soon as is mine and I will get a gift from S10 to her and that's it. I also know she won't acknowledge my birthday either. So be it. Your doing the right thing.
Hi Huddy. Stick to the rules and your head This is tough because you love her but the road map is there for a reason.
Take care. Rd
Hi NDY/RD
Stuck to the rules. Felt weird. Bought a cake from the kids, which she seemed to appreciate. W came with SD to pick up kids. I chatted briefly, but thought it best that she didn't stay long. She seemed cheerful, seemingly not regretting what she's done. Bluff or realism - I don't know. Weekend with the b**** SIL has probably been a festival of 'well done' from her and her mother. I always thought when you left somebody, you did it for a better existence and only a fool would leave for something worse.
So yeah, feel a bit deflated tonight. A mini downer, you could say, but off to the bath for a soak. I'll be fine by bedtime!
Hi Huddy. It does feel strange and against how you feel you should behave
Whether she's happy or not , it doesn't really matter. It does of course but in the scheme of things , right now it doesn't matter. I would imagine that W has her ups and downs but if she doesn't she is a cold person
I've read a lot on here and it's very rare that the WAS doesn't have regrets
Stay on the path buddy.
Take care. Rd
This is turning out to be a really terrible day!
First, work is getting me down. I am in the middle of trying to create some efficiency in a workplace situation. I have come up with the best solution, based on parameters given to me by my boss, which saves 210 hours work of work a week. I've now been told that is unacceptable as it doesn't meet the new criteria that has just been decided upon, which means I have to add hours back in, for people who won't be doing any work! I have protested, to such a move, that this task has now been given to my understudies to do. Normally, I would talk this over with my W - but she's not there anymore. That $ucks.
Secondly, my W call up in the middle of this nonsense to tell me she's getting a new telephone deal, which is cheaper, and that she is leaving me with the old one. Again, I protest that this isn't right, but she gets all pissy about it and tells me I am causing problems. I wouldn't mind, but the deal isn't in my name and the money comes out of the old joint bank account, which I have no control of anymore. I could, of course, just refuse to pay the bill, and leave it to come out of W's money. Peeved.
Ten W tells me she's moving, again, to another temporary accommodation location, about five miles from me. So, now what do I do if she requests me to help her move? My natural inclination is to say 'no', but I don't know if this is the best course of action. I appear to be paralysed right now in my actions. My slightly depressed feeling hasn't lifted since she came back on Sunday. Stuck and feeling a bit lame right now.
Hi Huddy. Sorry your a bit down. The work thing sounds crazy and not like there is much you can do
Telephone plan , if it's not in your name , what's the issue ? I'm not sure why W is even telling you , it's her business ?
Re W moving , again what's that got to do with you ? If she needs a hand moving why not see if your free on that day. Play it by ear. I think as long as there is no OM then things are a bit different for you
Just my humble opinion
Take care. Rd
I would suggest you separate your thinking here. If you add everything to the one pot, you could be crushed by the world against huddy feelings. You do your job to the best of your abilities to the purpose you are there for. From experience I have learned that whereas you should never be a pushover with bosses, you need to be able to adapt. The second thing I learned is to keep work for work and to minimise it's affect on outside life.
As for W, strange. The phone is hers and she can do whatever she wishes. I presume that it is on the joint account she recently got you taken off of. As long as you are not liable (phone co or bank), tell her it is hers to do as she wants. It is nothing to do with you. No need to argue your point .
As for helping, I think you can make that call. I don't see any reason to make yourself available and if you have plans KEEP them. Don't come across as peeved, just busy. I do wonder in your case whether you need to actively be non available to W. It is hard to know, but could be the new xt change to try.
Take an extra long bath tonight. You'll be grand.
When I get overwhelmed I take it once step at a time and eventually I get back in balance. You should consider disconnecting from her more, drop the phone plan and get your own. The phone company may release you from the contract if you sign another for a longer time period. If she's causing you pain keep her at arms length. Reward good behavior, like helping with the move. If she is acting selfishly, be unavailable. Actions have consequences. Be well
The phone was on a deal which couldn't be changed for 18 months. In the UK Broadband is set up this way. So, when we moved out of the family home, W didn't have a place to call 'home' so moved the contract to my address. The deal runs out in March when it was planned to finish the deal and do whatever was required.
W has arranged a new deal for herself now, saying I can transfer the old deal to my name. Funny, her deal is significantly cheaper, so I guess that's why she's done it. In effect she has two accounts now and I can't simply stop the old account as it's in her name.
So, shite week so far. I now have a huge stress headache and have developed a back problem as well! They do say it never rains, but it pours. Roll on my GAL activity on Friday.
Morning all
While since I've posted on my own thread, so I just thought I'd add a little update. I've been posting on selective threads; I hope I've offered a little bit of good advice.
So, my W has been moved to another 'temporary' local authority house. This is a two bed, but has had the dining room adapted to be a bedroom. At least there is a garden for the kids to play in. She appears to have no regrets about what has gone on, and certainly makes no moves towards me, or makes any reference to missing me etc. It's been over two months now since we finally parted, and I can't see that she will ever return.
I have been GAL'ing alot (hmm...it's actually hurting the bank balance now) so whilst I don't feel lonely, I do, sometimes feel alone. I hope that makes sense. I've come here today to express that feeling, as I felt it last night. I've not done too badly so far; only two real depressing moments and I guess that's natural. I'm being encouraged to go on one of those internet dating sites, but I'm not sure. People tell me that this may encourage W to think quicker about coming back, but my feeling is that this may well push her away further and cement her ideals.
So, off work today as my landlord has arranged to have my flat painted (it was supposed to be done before I moved in, but at least the landlord actually cares enough to have it done) and I did have a nightmare last night about W - again, haven't had that for a while. Do you think my W ever feels like this? Is she just too stubborn to make the move back? Got the rest of the day to think about it!
Hi Huddy. I'm sure your W is having second , third , etc thoughts but she's on her journey and that's all we know for sure
I do t like to offer hope because it's something that people can latch onto but in your case I see that you are strong and I would say that your W has yet to feel the full force of her actions I've posted before that unless your W is a psychotic then is definitely thinking about her choices You have no idea how she's feeling and maybe she's putting on a front.
I can be talking to my W and she seems happy enough and then 10 mins later she's crying. You never know
Dating should be about you and not how it would effect W but I think you know that !!!!
Good to see you posting
Take care. Rd