Hi, I am new to this forum.
I have read the book and loved it just having a hard time.
I was divorced in 2008 but only apart for a year.
This past year things went from bad to worse where we both didn't love or care about each other.
I wouldn't initiate sex, I had had a huge wall up.
Well in sept I found out he was cheating on me with a coworker so I moved out. I was mad for awhile then it was like my wall crumbled andnI love him again like never before and want to start over from scratch.
I called him and we started having sex again and talking a lot but he wanted me to keep things quiet.
Too soon for the kids etc etc. now he says we should stop and put our feelings on hold cuz he still has feelings for the OW.
I m for sur he's seeing her again.
The confusing thing is he says he wants to get back together someday and that I should be optimistic, not pessimistic but also maybe I should date other people.
So hurt and confused.
Need advice
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Let me also say you especially need to read the
pursuit and distance thread
and the boundary thread.
And go back to a beginners mind about relationships.
Knowledge is Power
Thanks for the advice. Those threads help. My goal is no texting or calling. The book says to be nice and upbeat if he calls but keep it about the kids only. I've only been able to last 2 days without texting; after 20yrs of marriage it's difficult but I am going to give it my all cuz what I'm doing now is not helping! Thanks for the advice!
Two days after meeting and saying to stay optimistic but to put our feelings on hold he introduces our son to her last night. What does this mean?
Two days after meeting and saying to stay optimistic but to put our feelings on hold he introduces our son to her last night. What does this mean?
That you cant believe anything he says.
Hi Tamjakr! You are going to meet all sorts of wonderful people on here that will give you great advice! They know what they are talking about, even if it isn't what you want to hear at the time. I know this from experience! I am still learning, though!
The confusing thing is he says he wants to get back together someday and that I should be optimistic, not pessimistic but also maybe I should date other peopl
Did he tell you to date other people?
Yes he did but to I believe that too or not believe it?
Stick with the basic advice that I repeated in my last post.
Listen to Cadet, Tamjakr. Let me ask you this, if you had a friend whose H told her that she should be optimistic about getting back together and all the while he was seeing OW, what would you say to her?
That he is lieing to her. So I guess I should move on😒
I guess I should move on😒
Is that what you want to do?
Remember this is divorce busting not divorce encouraging.
Most definitely not! Just feel hopeless and scared
So let me rephrase what you need to do.
Detach, Let GO, and Move Forward with your life.
Stop focusing on what he says or does and focus on yourself.
Make yourself into a person that only a fool would leave.
Hi Tamkjar, I'm so sorry you're here, but there are some people here who are wise indeed and will help you if you stick with it and keep posting.
Two words sprang to mind when I read your post above - cake eating. Your H hopes to keep you on the back burner while he sees how things pan out with OW. Is that somewhere you're willing to be?
He will continue to sleep with you (in secret) and see you (in secret) as long as you allow this. My advice would be to set protective boundaries here - I won't be in a R with you while you are in a R with OW. Then step back, get on with your life and leave him to it.
This will take a while to play out for sure if it is like most A's. It will be less painful for you if you detach yourself from him and limit interactions to child-related things.
Keep posting and take care x
Thank you! I am going to try my hardest to do that! It seems impossible but nothing else is working! I love getting advice , it helps!
Tamjakr, I am right there with you. To be honest, for the longest time on this forum I sought advice on dealing with my W but never really followed it. It took some time for me to realize the situation, and then I started following the advice of the great posters on here. It may be too late for my situation, but I am trying.
The main thing that I realized is that I can't change my W or get her to see things outside of her fog. It took me so long to see the error of my ways. Now that isn't to say that I am now doing it according to plan and one look at my situation will tell you that I am still making mistakes, but I am trying.
I will also be honest and say that this is the hardest thing that I have ever done in my life, bar none. I haven't broken down in some time but there are moments when all it would take is the slightest breeze.
So, keep your head up. Get the book DR. Read it. Listen to the awesome posters on here - however, I know my advice is often off the wall, but it really helps me to post in others' threads. Sort of a therapy in my own right. You will be fine!
Thank you! I hope I have success and he sees the grass isn't greener on the other side! His ow just left her husband and kids and moved to my town where they both work. She actually moved down the street from me so it's torture not to see if he car is there or not!
I wouldn't date other people, that will just complicate the situation no matter what happens to your marriage.
I am not clear on a few things- you were divorced in 2008 but then got back together after a year?
Why did you get divorced? Are you remarried, just in a r, what is your status?
How many children/ages? Who has the kids now?
You say things got bad again in the last year. Did you ever deal with your issues that caused the original divorce? Counseling, etc? How did you get back together? Are these the same issues that you never dealt with in the first place?
Welcome Tamjakr,
Sorry to meet you under these circumstances, but we're here to help. I have a few more questions. Do you have any children together? Were you remarried or living together after the year apart?
Oh, and please don't date it's not fair to anyone else to start a relationship while you're still thinking about your H
We got back together a year after we divorced. Did not do counseling which we should have. We've been together 20 yrs total. I have the kids, 1 in college and 1 is 15. He was introduced to the ow last night without me knowing that was going to happen. If he comes back I would insist on counseling. I just want to try to stop the obsessive thoughts I have about what he's doing etc.
Most of our problems were financial issues, irresponsibility and unreliable. I'm the main breadwinner.
Hello Tamjakr,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
Sotto is right about your H and cake eating. Are you willing to be in an open relationship? There is much that can be done right now.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I read the book constantly and I don't want to be in an open relationship. I wanna be strong and detach. If he calls which I doubt he will do I answer? Do I act nice or what? Aloof? Ignore the call?
Can someone explain "cake eating"?
Hi Tamjakr,
He is cake eating when he is able to take what he wants from you without having to give in return. Sleeping with you, but hiding it from OW is classic cake eating.
You need to lovingly set boundaries. Like while he is with OW, he cannot share your life or bed. You are not being mean. You will not push him into her arms, even though it may feel like it.
Just start building yourself up in any way you can. Take the focus away from them and only on you. It is so hard, but if you work hard you can do it.
Tam, you are right to want to detach and stop obsessing. That is the goal. But the reality is that it takes time, and it is very hard to do. So my advice to you is to take it in small steps. Set some small goals for yourself.
For example- walk 20 minutes a day, call a friend each day, take a shower
Once you are at a basic level of functioning- increase the goals- walk 2 miles, of out with a friend, etc.
Gradually increase your goals, with the intent of the goals being self care, nutrition, sleep, exercise, avoiding being alone too much, then as that gets easier start finding ways to have fun or develop new skills. Baby steps, it takes a while. But your focus needs to be on yourself as much as possible.
If he calls, do not answer. Let him leave a message, and you can get back to him at your discretion, I'd only get back to him with logistical issues and childcare related topics. Do not initiate conversations, and be the first to get off the phone.
So just so we're all clear, you remarried him after 1 year of being apart?
Thanks for the advice and we never did remarry
Is there a reason why? I mean technically he"s not cheating on you if you never promised to be exclusive to each other.
You're right, technically since we weren't remarried he wasn't cheating on me but we had a relationship and a family just not the marriage license. It still feels exactly the same and the hurt and betrayal is the same and the fact I want my family back together is the same. I would lie to remarry him someday for financial reasons we didn't before. As for last nt I didn't break down and text him or call which is good for me.
And we did promise to be exclusive. For sure it was monogamous for years.
It is taking extreme willpower not to call him, that's all I want to do! Uuuggghhh
Still waiting for a call just so I can ignore it. It makes it worse that he doesn't and he isn't even thinking of me. Trying to make a go of it with her I suppose!
These posts back help me so much please reply
Tamjakr
You need to breathe. I know where you are, heck we all do. I also know the feeling of checking your thread every minute to hope for a response that will give us some great insight to fix everything.
That is not going to happen, at least not in the way you want it to. The answers are coming through here, but you are not seeing them right now.
My advice right now is to search for a poster named Mozza. find his thread and you will see a bunch of links to other threads that can tell some good stories and you will learn a lot. It may take some digging to get all the way to the beginning of the stories, but well worth it. Some are success stories but if you pay attention to the length of time and the stages these people went through it will help calm you down.
best of luck
My advice right now is to search for a poster named Mozza. find his thread and you will see a bunch of links to other threads that can tell some good stories and you will learn a lot.
If you read all the links in my homework post you will find the resources thread, within the resources are a link to Mozza's thread.
How is the homework going?
I can't find what how to look for Mozza or homework
I can't find what how to look for Mozza or homework
Start with the first post that I made to you on this thread
here
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2625897#Post2625897
Hi Tamjkar, well done not breaking down and texting or calling him. I remember feeling desperate for contact in the early days too - it's hard. However, if you do text and call, it can be pressure for him to resist against and back further out of the R. You can imagine, if you texted every 5 mins for a whole day, he would be running out of the door probably.
But if you put the breaks on your contact, there's nothing for him to resist. He can stop thinking negatively about the contact...and he may even become a little curious. Particularly if you have been the pursuer in the relationship.
GAL and focusing on your own life make this all a little easier. If you're meeting a girlfriend for dinner, that's a couple of hours with your mind on something else. Same for work and so on. The more you can do (without burning yourself out) the more your attention and focus shifts - particularly if the new things are enjoyable, extend your skills, meet new people and so on.
I agree with the recommendation to get reading the 'homework.' Truly there is much to learn and the stories of others can be helpful too.
Good luck x
Tam, a trick I use is sometimes I leave my phone in a different room, or even in the car for a while. I actually just realized that I don't have this problem anymore, and it was huge for me for the first several months, I was obsessed. Now when H texts me I barely react. It takes a long time, just try to go 15 minutes today, or 30 minutes, or whatever you can do and work up. You can do this.
Thank you . I feel stronger today and I'm feeling like I don't deserve the crap he's putting me through so I'm with my friend just relaxing and talking and it feels good!
And I've lost 7 lbs and been walking more so that's a plus!
Is there a reason why you didn't get remarried? Did he not want to commit?
We both wanted to remarry but we didn't for financial reasons. I haven't heard from him since last Fri when he told me we need to put our feelings on hold. To me he's the one going dark since he's with the ow but I haven't called or texted which is huge for me. I've really wanted him back to start from scratch , do counceling and live by db suggestions in the book but I guess that's definetely out of my just control. I would remarry and not worry about the financial issues and try to work thru them so it's really hard that basically he's saying if it doesn't work out with ow maybe we can get back together. Just last fri he was cake eating with me. No more!! I don't deserve to be second choice if this falls thru with ow but it the chance to get back and start with a beginners mind I would so it's confusing to me as far as self respect goes. Advice?? As for now I'm GAL. Also I worry about now it will be going to my sons bb games. Will he sit by me? Will he bring her? I've only been out of the house for 2 months. I would hope he would have more respect for me and my son than to bring her but who knows...
I broke down and sent him a message saying it was hurtful that he introduced our son to the ow without discussing with me. Granted our so. Is 15 so maybe he didn't need to?! Of course no reply from him. Why do I do this to myself?
Why do I do this to myself?
You want us to ask you the same question or do you want us to give you the answer?
Pick yourself up and dust yourself off and get back to doing what you are learning here.
First Thanksgiving alone. I'm working for 1/2 a day the maybe going to a friends. Trying to stay positive
Hi Tamjakr, Happy Thanksgiving to you and I hope you have as nice a day as you can in all circumstances. I didn't feel like 'doing' Xmas at all last year, but it helped me to think that I had had many lovely Xmases in my life and there was bound to be the odd cr@ppy one.
I hope you manage to visit your friend and have a nice time. If you can stay positive and be thankful for the many good things that remain in your life - despite the sitch at present - you'll have the best day possible.
Take care xx
I ended up leaving my boys with their dad and driving 3 1/2 hrs to my sisters. Very out of character of me but with Thanksgiving and my birthday being Sat I felt like I needed a mental health break. My kids understood and they were ok with it. My X tried to give me a guilt trip cuz he's so "busy" this weekend. But I told him it'll be fine. He can figure it out.
Tam, a 15 year old definitely does not need to be meeting ow. I think its probably worse to expose a teenager to an OW than a younger child, because he can figure out easily what is going on, and he's at a very confusing age to begin with.
I know! I was very upset about him doing that!
Yesterday I texted him and asked if he was willing to end things with ow and give us another chance and he said " not right now"! So once again I need to start in day 1 of going dark, LRT, etc. wish me luck I really need to be stronger than I have been!!
Tam I know how hard and painful this is. You have to stop contacting him. Instead work out take care of yourself and look good always. Try to look happy always especially around the kids. Go out and have fun. It gets easier everyday. I havent heard from my ex in 3.5 years and I am still alive
. He has to miss you. If you are always texting and contacting him he wont have a chance to miss you. Go get a new sexy dress and posted all over FB. Looking happy and wild. Do not return his calls or text. Do not give him money if u are the main bread winner. Go for child support..how old are you both?
Happy birthday
I will take that advice. I am 46 and he is 44
So what was the financial reason that you ahd for not getting married again?
He is keeping you as plan B with the "not yet" type comments. Don't be Plan B, detach and move forward without him. NC except for required things about the kids. Don't forget to GAL.
I talked to him last night. He said he ended it it with the ow and wants to make it work with us so I'm hopeful!
Be careful. He may just be stringing you along so you don't drop the rope. Don't expect much. Talk is cheap. Watch his actions. What happens if he looks or finds OW2? Don't be a bridge between OWs or a plan B. All or nothing is where I would want to be.
Maybe, ask him to send OW a NC letter that you approve and send.
Hi Tam,
I am glad you are hopeful, and I am glad he is willing to try. But I really hope you slow way, way, way down. Now it is more important than ever to focus on yourself!
You had problems that need to be addressed. Start with you!
I am hopeful for you.
Hi Tam, I agree with other posters. I would slow right down here. Please don't take him back from a place of - I'm just desperate to have you back!!
Have a think about your own non-negotiables here. Normally for people, these include absolute NC with OP (and being willing to send a letter to this effect), full transparency and access to passwords, plus MC to explore the 'pre-existing conditions' that paved the way for the infidelity.
Do you think he truly appreciates the impact of his behaviour on your R and is he willing to do whatever it takes to try and rebuild things?
Take care and keep posting my friend..x
"I talked to him last night. He said he ended it it with the ow and wants to make it work with us so I'm hopeful!"
NEVER take this at face value. There must have been a reason why he ended it with the OW. If he doesn't resolve his issues of why he left in the first place, he'll do it to you again.
What did he say he would DO to work things out with you? C is a big thing. Actions speak louder than words.
I have a feeling she's going to crash hard
Tam, Then be strong and detach. Have the courage to do what you plan to do. As you put into actions those plans, you will find increase respect and confidence in your self.
It's been horrible. We were talking and seeing each other again then he said his feelings just aren't there anymore and he's back with the OW. I've lost 20 lbs. Just a mess. I've been reading self help books self help tapes like crazy. Is this normal or should I give up and realize he's over me??
And yes I definitely have crashed hard. For one since I am divorced I wasn't sure this is the right place for me but I want him back (not sure why) and we've been together 20 yrs. first xmas without him since 1996. Plus I haven't posted because I've done All the wrong things!! I know I need to quit beating myself up but I'm ready to be strong already!! I wanna shake myself silly!
One more thing, he wants "to be friends, my friendship is very important to him" what the heck to I reply to that after all the hurt he's put me through?!
Merry Christmas Eve, feeling sad, trying to stay positive!
Also he is like a different person, drinking a lot more alcohol, new drinks he never drank before. Is this normal? Do you this this ow will last? He asked me for a recipe today and to have a good xmas. That's it, like a stranger...
Tamjakr, I'm sorry you're having a rough time my friend. You may want to have a look at Lisa 65's thread. I posted a long post to her this morning and much of what I posted there would apply in your situation too I think.
For now I would say - try not to worry about him. Look after you. Get through Xmas, regroup and 2016 is a new year. Keep posting too and others will offer support.
Take care xx
Thx! I'm going to try not to worry about him. He's made it clear this is where he wants to be-with the OW- but he always adds for right now which just keeps me strung along!! So angry
Ah, well that may continue for some time. Of course it's your choice whether to pick up the rope if you want to Sweetie. You can always be pleasant, but rather unavailable for now, whilst you are GAL for yourself.
Good luck with things. And remember, having him back at this stage - when you are desperate to reconcile - may not be a good thing. Often reconciliations are better further down the line when more learning has taken place for you both.
For now - leave him to it and live your life as though he's never coming back.
Take care Sweetie xx
I haven't texted or called my x but for the last 2 days he has been texting me. It's not been about anything personal. Just about the dogs, kids& weather. After a few texts he said, sorry I'll quit bugging you now. I asked why is he anyway and he said "idk?". He said "I'll stop". I said "k". I'm not sure what all this means it how to handle it. Any advice??
Hi Tamjakr, I would keep any responses delayed, minimal and pleasant. IMHO, it's best not even to ask why he is making the contact - in a way it's initiating a R talk and I think you want to avoid that.
I think the best way to handle it is not to initiate any contact with him and respond as above. But keep interactions pretty minimal just now. And, try not to worry or wonder about what he is thinking. Just get on with your own life for now. Make plans, join new stuff, accept invites - extend your own boundaries....
For now, that's a good way forwards I think. Sometimes the contact you describe above is just seeking reassurance that you are still 'on the hook' - that's why 'minimum' from you is best I think.
Take care xx
That's what I will try very hard to do, thanks. Oh also he said he is kinda with the ow. Isn't that a weird statement.?! My gut tells me he doesn't want to be with me but my gut also tells me he still loves me. Is that weird?
Hi Tamjakr - I would take 'kind of with' to mean 'with.' And I think it is so important to minimise the communications from your end (albeit keep them pleasant) - if you are in any doubt, Google 'affair and triangulation' - that's the dynamic you want to avoid. Plus I presume you don't want him back in these circumstances (ie: with OW in the mix) so you have nothing to lose just now in any case.
One big thing I realised a while back was that I didn't want the R 'on those terms' at all. It was a fundamental realisation and a hill I'm willing to die upon. If H chooses to remain in touch with OW, he and I will have no kind of R. We don't have kids together (tho I have a SS who I keep in touch with) so it is perfectly possible for me not to see him again.
Stay strong Sweetie. This is a tough time of year and we have to work harder to get through it, but things will improve in time as long as your own direction of travel is good - ie: GAL, work on detachment, PMA, 180s for you and so on. And the beauty of all of that is it won't really matter what your H is doing, you'll feel better within yourself anyway.
Take care xx
I went to a councelor last nt. I really like her. She gave me techniques to help rid myself of obsessive thoughts and also told me to get an accountability partner so I won't text x and talk about r. She also said I am stuck in grief, anger, bargaining, denial stage and need to get to letting go stage. Any advice?
Hi Tamjakr, in terms of letting go - it is a process, which does start with a fundamental realisation - he is gone for now, and probably gone for some time. I think the best way to detach or let go, is to 'attach' to your own life. Make some plans that genuinely excite you and have nothing to do with H. Think of the following areas:
Family, social network, learning, health and fitness, volunteering, creativity, trips.....
I think if you can get your own life to a point where there is fulfilment regardless of your H - that is the aim. But you need to start somewhere, so maybe really start to think about GAL for 2016. Start making some nice plans for you 'as if' H were never coming back.
Maybe think about a regular fitness class, or some volunteering, a regular date with friends, a workshop, a little trip to see family. The more you have in your calendar, the less you think about your H. When you go to bed, you'll be thinking about the busy day you had, or nice plans you have tomorrow.
So, that's my advice - fill the space he filled with other things. Then there is less space for him to occupy. Of course, if anything significant changes in your sitch, you can always reassess - but for now, grab life by the horns and live it. Hopefully if you do this, you'll look back on 2016 and see it as a good year....whatever happens with your H!
Good luck xx
Thanks sotto! I absolutely love hearing from you on this forum. It helps so much!!
Another holiday to get thru while he's happy as a clam with the ow, uuuggghhh
So his ow is practically living with him and he calls, I don't answer, he texts -I miss talking to you, can't we have a normal conversation. I reply that I'd really rather not talk to him unless it pertains to the kids. He says he'll stop bugging me and again I don't reply. He wants his new happy life with her but still maintain a connection with me. Doesn't seem right does it? Am I doing the right things?
Hi Tamjakr, yes I think that's absolutely right - hold firm on that boundary and go do some nice things for yourself....
Take care xx
How do I know when to give up hope? He is with the ow. He texts me mostly everyday, sometimes about the kids only and sometimes with a sexual innuendo then say j/k or saying time will tell all but he's not waiting to change his situation now. My councelor says I need to let go and why would I want a cheater back. Help?!
Hi Tam, I think it's much to early to be giving up hope. Time will tell how this will play out. But do you see how he wants to keep your focus on him - even while he is living with OW? - not healthy!!
My advice would be not to engage with him on anything other than child related stuff - and please don't give him any impression that YOU are waiting on HIM to make up his mind about what he wants? Please accept him as gone and focus on building a rich and rewarding life without him.
I'm not saying he's gone for ever - but he's certainly as gone as he can be for now - and I don't believe he has anything good to offer you at this point in time. Now then, if he grows up a good bit, completely ends things with OW and asks 'what will it take' for us to reconcile? That's the time to look back IMHO - but until or unless - forward motion and let him live the life he chose for himself (my guess is - that grass ain't all that green and a dog peed on it yesterday too....he just has yet to realise this and it may take a good while before he does.)
In the meantime, leave him to his lot and live your life! Take care xx
How do I know when to give up hope? He is with the ow. He texts me mostly everyday, sometimes about the kids only and sometimes with a sexual innuendo then say j/k or saying time will tell all but he's not waiting to change his situation now. My councelor says I need to let go and why would I want a cheater back. Help?!
It used to bother me when others (including ICs) would ask questions like "Why would you want a cheater (liar, MLCer,WAS)". It implies that you are being judged by them for your
very reasonable choice to be with the person whom you chose to live the rest of your life with. There are things about that person that you still love, as well as a shared history and intimacy, even if they are choosing to do something that hurts you at this time. Remember, THEY are making a CHANGE in THEIR life because something is causing them enough pain that they cannot tolerate it any more. Not because they suddenly became cruel or a psychopath. What is it?
A better question is, "what was happening in your lives (stressors, way of communicating, way of interacting) that affected him enough to leave?". This will take some deep soul searching and research (read DR, books on listening,love languages, validation, etc).You may hit some low points emotionally when your part in this comes to light. It will most definitely not all be YOUR FAULT, even though while learning through this research you will recognize things that make it seem so. But you cannot control your S or your S's behavior directly. You can only control and change YOUR behavior.So these "faults" are the things that you can work on. You may even find, as I did, that by changing them you will make yourself happier in other aspects of your life that you didn't even realize were being affected.
So, as people on this board will tell you, work on YOU. DB, GAL, research and learn. It doesn't matter who he is with right now. Be a better you. Be the one H fell in love with, only wiser, happier, and better. Stronger.
Your H is still contacting you daily. Not always about the kids. He wants to see your reaction. HE STILL WANTS TO SEE A REACTION. Throw away any idea that he is doing it to spite you, be cruel, or insensitive. REMEMBER, he is acting out of pain as well. Follow DR, show him only kindness and understanding in your BRIEF replies. Become an expert in validation. Don't reply if his communication seems to be a jab. Ignore the bad behavior in texts...its probably just to get attention.
There is hope. Put it on the back burner. Work on you, as hard as it is with the pain you are feeling. That will help you to get through this. But don't make your S the ENEMY. Or the real question will really be, "Why would you want to stay with someone you think of as your worst enemy?".
Thank you everyone. The latest episodes are he's been texting me more. He came over and dropped off something of the kids and kissed me. Said he shouldn't have done that. I guess him an ow are having issues. He won't talk about it. He says he thinks about me all the time, that he doesn't know what he wants, doesn't want to hurt me and that I deserve to be happy. Please help me interpret all this. I know I need to let it go and see what plays out but a lot of you have gone through similar experiences that might know what's going on.
I think him saying I don't know what've want is a nice way of saying I don't want you.
I think him saying, "I don't know what I want" is him saying he doesn't know what he wants.
It is very hard when you are feeling the pain of loss and rejection, as well as the anger that flits in and out, to accept that your S is a person in pain and confusion. Something was missing or causing him to want to escape the R.
It is easy to see your own lack of trust in an S who has an A or who up and leaves. They made their untrustworthyness obvious. But where is his lack of trust in YOU coming from? He chose to act instead of share the issues that drove him to act. Do the hard thinking and research. Answer that question and DB accordingly. You may have to be a bit of a Sherlock Holmes. What has he said in the past? When did he roll his eyes at you? What did you say that caused him to heavy sigh? What has he told people in your presence that stood out. Build your 180s around these.
Forget about the OW. She is a symptom of his confusion. Ignore her. The R between YOU and your H is the important one. She is the runny nose to the flu of your R. Wipe her away and get healthy. Find the medicine that fits your illness and take it as prescribed. Not just when it is convenient. And be patient. It will work its wonders in time.
Latest text from x (granted after he kissed me this weekend and said he wasn't sure that he wanted) was " I think it's best you don't contact me. I don't want to see you hurt. I'm with her, for now I guess but I don't want you to wait for me. Time will tell". I said fine "I will give you what you want." I am angry. I also haven't divorce busted like I should have been doing. Today I vow to go dark, no more pursuit, boundaries, gal!! I have no choice, nothing I'm doing is working. Please wish me luck and pray for me to work on myself to be strong and have some integrity and self worth! And pray for him as well to have a breakthrough and not throw all our years together away forever. If he's ever ready this time I want to do it right , with counceling , better communication etc but it may be too little too late.
And another question, he always says time will tell or he needs time. When we got back together a couple months ago for that wk or 2 when he ended it he said he didn't have that " in love" feeling. He said he tried. So by saying time will tell all the time do you think he's waiting to see if he misses me or if he gets those feelings back or do you think if it's not there it's not there and move on? And does the feelings he have for the ow cloud his feelings for me?
T, you might want to start reading Sandis rules again. Daily. It helped me enormously in the beginning, just as a reminder of what I needed to do to DB.
You and I are both pursuers. It is very hard to just let go of H and trust that distancing ourselves often does work. We have this need to try to control the situation by inserting ourselves constantly into what H is doing, "Look at me! Look at me! I'm hurt! I still love you! I'm still here! Don't forget about me!" Trust me. It just drives them away. He doesn't know what he wants right now. Give him space and time without you to figure it out.
Once again, OW is a symptom of his confusion; a bandaid for wounds he felt were in your R before she came around. Don't focus on her. Focus on you.
Don't believe what he says or does. Just do you. Be pleasant during any contact that happens. Show only happiness. Ignore the cheap shots or mention of OW or their arrangement...none of your business. Don't disagree or become defensive. Remember the words, "Whatever makes you happy". That'll keep him thinking. Validate.
So my x got the child support order that I finally filed and he's so mad. Since I make a lot more than him he's having a fit. I feel like this is pushing him further away from me! Help!
Hi Tam, if the order is a reasonable request, then quietly hold firm and work through L's if he isn't working constructively with you.
I know you feel it's pushing him further away - but truly, he was gone already at BD and you need to protect your own and your familys' interests. Yes, he may be mad - that's up to him. But the fact is - whilst we of course don't want to 'punish' anyone - sometimes decisions come with consequences, and he's facing one now.
Remember - keep the focus on you. You won't regret protecting your interests further down the line, I promise you that.
Take care x
He's now saying he can't afford child support. He wants joint custody. He wants my 15 yr old half the time. I'm so confused on what to do...
So after talking to my x a little. He gives me little or nothing to go on. He always just says time will tell. I did get out of him that he has some doubts that him and his ow will work long term. And I said what about us and he says he has concerns but wouldn't elaborate so I dropped it. I know I shouldn't analyze it to death but what's the difference between doubts and concerns. I am doing better as far as GAL and feeling more positive about MY life in general. The child support thing and joint custody is still on a holding pattern, going to discuss with my son because he does want to spend more time at his dad's. Any thoughts?
Hi Tamjakr, my thoughts are don't even go there WRT him and OW. She is his problem and not yours and please don't waste your valuable time and energy discussing her. I did that in the early days and H began to tell me that she wasn't very nice to him and they had an argument. At this point I realised - this is dysfunctional!! - So I told him I was his wife, and I wasn't able to offer a 'listening ear' WRT his trials with OW. I never regretted that and he and I have never discussed her since.
WRT child support and joint custody, I would see a L and make sure you understand your options.
Take care
Thanks I will. I joined Match.com because everyone is telling me to let go , there are great guys out there. I had a couple meets, one went no where and the other texts me a lot and wants to go out on a second date. My x asks me about it and it's gets dysfunctional like you said. The facts is, I don't feel ready yet even tho I do want a great relationship- I want it with my x and right now that's not happening. I think I'm going to cancel and just be single. Does anyone else have these worries? It wouldn't be fair to another guy when I still love my x.
Absolutely, Tam - I think that was a wise realisation and Match.com is the worst place to be for you. There is a journey to be travelled here and you have begun it. Hopefully at the end of the journey, there is one of these destinations:
A happy and healed you, happily reconciled with your H
A happy and healed you, happy in a new R
A happy and healed you - enjoying what being single has to offer.
The common theme in these destinations is the first part - happy and healed you. That's the bit to focus on now and Match.com isn't going to help you get there.
So, keep making those plans to rebuild your life and get yourself to a better place with or without your H in it. Can you tell us a little more about non-dating things you are doing for yourself?
Xx
Well I was walking with my friend when the weather was nicer, hope to get on treadmill and get a yoga tape soon. I've gone out to eat with my boys and with friends. I journal sometimes. I use the happify app and headspace( meditation) app. I read a lot of self help books. I love the law of attraction, praying and imaging. I watch comedies and shows on tv I enjoy. I go to a councelor and talk with family and friends. Occasionally go out for drinks. So I'm in making progress.... I need to improve on LRT tho.
How do I start a new thread?
The same way you started this thread.
Go to the top of the forum, on the left-hand side is a button called "New Topic". Click on that button and you can come up with a new subject line and begin typing in the "Post" box.
Do the old posts come along or do I have to retell the story?
You need to link the new to the old and the old to the new.
Here are easy directions for you to use for linking. If you find that you can't do it the first time around, I'll be happy to do it for you.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2588047#Post2588047