Hi Focus! Hope all is well in your part of the world.
I am going to agree with shotgun, therapy is tough, tough stuff. And I hate it. But, on the flip side, I am in so much a better place now and really is helping me realize a lot of things. Funny thing (or maybe sad, really) about the issues and the changes I have been working oh so hard to make - ones that my W brought up what seems so long ago - is that the W doesn't give a rat's *ss about it. When all this was brought up in counseling (by the counselor, I tried to avoid the topic of my chagnes), she says that "working on yourself and changes are great and all, but its not that." So where does that leave me?
My W had an EA just after the BD and it turned into a nightmare situation (nothing past the EA, but nightmare in the house). It took me a long time to realize why she would do that and I have come to the conclusion that a lot of it stems from her desire for attention. As I have said in my thread, she craves attention but does not seek it. Lots of reasons, I guess. But she has much deeper issues than just on the surface. I would suspect that is the same for all people who stray.
Thank you.
Yup, I agree with everything you say.
My H doesn't give a stuff about the huge effort I've made over the past 2 and a half years especially. I've made an effort to communicate more, be more open, be more attentive, be more available for him...and it was still never enough. Well, now I know that it was because he was constantly thinking about OW.
So now I'm thinking all the changes I made, and all the things I've been learning, are for me.
About the desire for attention thing...my H's life has also become extremely adrenaline fuelled over the past 4 odd years. It started with his work - he's become incredibly successful in these past 4 years.
I'm sure that part of it has been an incredible attraction to all that success and everything that goes with it (adrenaline, attention).
And then an inability to deal with the stresses of that success (how to handle the adrenaline and attention).
Instead of focussing on toning things down and dialling things back to try and keep some kind connection with himself, he's wanted more and more of everything. So he's thrown a lot of alcohol into the mix, and some drugs too.
And it's ended up spiralling out of control (talking about the past 3 and a half years now in terms of timescale).
So, my GAL activity. I am one *very* camera shy girl. I have practically no pictures of me, and practically none online (not even on my FB page).
So I did my makeup and my hair in a way I've never done it before (and certainly not in a way my H has ever seen it), took a selfie and made it my new profile picture.
Added bonus, I got so many incredibly positive comments from my friends about my new look that I felt like I was walking on air for the rest of the day.
Back to planning my next GAL activity now.
OK guys, I need your help here.
The last contact I had with my H was when he texted me on October 25 to say that he couldn't see clearly how to continue and thought the best thing to do was to separate.
I didn't answer.
I'm almost 100% sure he travelled to the city where OW is and turned his EA into a PA after that.
I'm pretty sure he's back in our home town now, to start a job on the 30 November.
He's just texted me. It goes:
'Hallo xxxx
Are you wanting to talk about anything yet?
I hope you're doing OK.'
So, weird, he never calls me by my first name.
Anyway, I haven't answered. I don't know what to think for now.
I know that yesterday he was on FB for quite a while. And my guess is that he was checking out my updates. I've posted three different types of GAL updates since he left on October 11 (didn't want to go overkill on it), including a nice selfie
So, yeah..what do I do?
Hi Focus, I'm struggling to advise here, but I would certainly say wait and get some advice before you respond to him at all. A delay of a few hours will do no harm.
So, he left about a month ago and you suspect his EA turned into a PA. Interesting that he doesn't say 'we need to talk' but asks you 'are you wanting to talk?'
My guess is it isn't good news. If he were feeling remorseful or inclined towards reconciliation, I think you'd be seeing 'I miss you, ILY' or similar.
I'm guessing he is (rather passively) offering you the opportunity to move things along in terms of formalising the S, or even D.
So, based on all of that, I'm not even sure how to respond. Have you formalised any S. arrangements and are there any housing or financial things to resolve? If so, I would prioritise those (I left all of that far too long in hope of reconciling.) I would certainly try and avoid a R talk as I don't think it will serve you well. He's probably still pretty foggy if the A is ongoing.
There may be an opportunity to state your boundaries - along lines of - I don't really have anything to say other than that I won't live in an open M. But actually he has already gone, so where's the point in that?
Do you ignore? Or 'miss the point' a little and respond with a pleasant and general - 'no all good with me, but let me know if you need anything from the house' or similar.
In general with an A (if you want to stand for the M) I think you do need to step back and let things run their course, while maintaining rock solid boundaries for you (I won't live in an open M.) What concerns me in your sitch is the series of women....and I also wonder....potential MLC. Having always been faithful (and vocal about fidelity) my H asked two separate women (who seemed interested in him) out for drinks before getting involved with OW. ie: he didn't just 'fall in' to an A, he sought to have one.
I know none of this perhaps helps much with your response, but these are all the things that sprang to mind when I read your post.
I'm no vet, so treat my input with some caution and I hope someone stops by with some more helpful advice.
Take care xx
When H did the same to me I got my hopes up and it turned out he was telling me he decided we are getting D without counseling or trying to work on it. I'm not telling you this to scare you but to warn you. It seems to be the script they go by. He may b trying to appease his guilt. I think it's best to not respond at this point. Your busy GAL and all.
Stay strong! (((Hugs)))
Sotto, thank you so much.
It all makes perfect sense. And you're not the first person to also mention a MLC (he's been talking about tattoos, cars, cowboy boots...lol!).
He's always avoided all responsibilities in life. I've dealt with them all. So one of the things I decided pretty soon after he left was that I wasn't going to do any of the work for the S/D.
Sure, I'll find out information, but that's for my own benefit, and to make me feel less afraid. But I wouldn't share it with him, or initiate anything.
So I guess that's my next move, behind the scenes, finding out information.
I'm so exhausted from all of this.
When H did the same to me I got my hopes up and it turned out he was telling me he decided we are getting D without counseling or trying to work on it. I'm not telling you this to scare you but to warn you. It seems to be the script they go by. He may b trying to appease his guilt. I think it's best to not respond at this point. Your busy GAL and all.
Stay strong! (((Hugs)))
Thank you.
That makes perfect sense.
It also feels weird, like he's fishing, or something. There's some element of manipulation going on.
Yes, a temp check I think. Where's she up to? Is she going to ask for a D? Perhaps - does she miss me? Is she still angry? any or all of these...
Yes, a temp check I think. Where's she up to? Is she going to ask for a D? Perhaps - does she miss me? Is she still angry? any or all of these...
Thank you Sotto. I will look into temperature checking and what that's all about.
My feeling is still not to answer and just carry on with my life as I have been over the past few weeks. He can get his information about me from FB like everyone else who I don't really hang out with or have much of an association with (I use my personal FB page as a bit of an extension of my business FB page).
I was exhausted, totally drained, this afternoon and had to lie down for a sleep for an hours.
Focus,
Work was what kept me going. The trips abroad helped me disconnect.
I still however had days where I took them like holidays because concentration was zero and then had to make up on the better days.
My M and R are still first on my list but job keeps the light on and house warm.
How are you coping?
Hugs Max..
It's so difficult. It feels like my heart has been ripped out of me.
I'm lucky in that I have a part-time job which is very sociable. It's been a lifeline these past few weeks.
My counsellor says I'm very resilient, is very impressed at how I am approaching it all and is very optimistic about how I'll cope with things. I just don't know at the moment - I don't see any of that.
Thank you for your concern and for taking time to reply. I really appreciate it.
Focus, I love what you did with your FB profile picture. I am going to do that too. I am hoping he isn't following the "script" that others have warned you about, but it seems like its in your best interest to be prepared for that.
I am starting a job search, its a bit overwhelming, but reading how your job has helped you encourages me.
Of course you don't feel resilient, but you are only 1 month post- BD and you are functioning, working, talking to a counselor, you are miles ahead of many people so early into their situation. It takes a long time to start to feel normal again, heck, I am 9 or 10 months in (depending on what I count as BD) and I just broke down crying in the Target parking lot a half an hour ago.
Hang in there, you are doing well.
Hi Sweetie,
I have read your posts and really admire your resilience.
If within you are strong then you will cope.
I always questioned the expression heart ripped out. I think it is more a case of emotions for someone ripped out and what is left is a void that is looking for a next high of TLC.
I hope you find that peace and love you deserve.
I always try and reply but often have little time or something different to say than what has already been said. So just keep quiet.
Thank you for replying too and I hope we keep in touch. Its always great to meet someone like yourself.
Keep smiling focus....
Hugs Max
Focus, I love what you did with your FB profile picture. I am going to do that too. I am hoping he isn't following the "script" that others have warned you about, but it seems like its in your best interest to be prepared for that.
Thank you! I'm still getting comments about it from people at work...he he he!
With a day's distance, I reckon he is following the script.
So, I think what I will do (as far as he is concerned) is a mix of ignoring him and playing naive. As in, if I were to answer that message (which I'm not) I would say 'no. I'm doing grand, thank you!'. And leave it at that.
I think the consequences of that line of action is that he'll feel I'm not behaving like he would have hoped I would, and that I've slipped beyond his control? I reckon he might get really frustrated and pretty angry with me?
But what effect would all of this have on his R with OW? Will it make it stronger because it's them against the horrible W? Or will she eventually get fed up with him ranting about me to her?
I know all of this is speculation really and nobody can say what is going to happen. But I'm feeling a bit lost at the moment.
I am starting a job search, its a bit overwhelming, but reading how your job has helped you encourages me.
Thank you. My part time job is very, very undemanding, but it's a real blessing at the moment. It gives me a little focus, gets me out of the house (and I have to make an effort to look presentable too, obviously) and is sociable.
Good luck with your search! And keep me posted
Of course you don't feel resilient, but you are only 1 month post- BD and you are functioning, working, talking to a counselor, you are miles ahead of many people so early into their situation. It takes a long time to start to feel normal again, heck, I am 9 or 10 months in (depending on what I count as BD) and I just broke down crying in the Target parking lot a half an hour ago.
Hang in there, you are doing well.
Thank you.
Ended up having a really nice time at work last night. And there was an unexpected social event after, which I went along to for an hour and really enjoyed. I work with some pretty cool people.
Hi Sweetie,
I have read your posts and really admire your resilience.
Thank you.
I feel utterly exhausted. I work part time and also run my own business. Bizarrely, it's been one of my most successful months for my business (actually achieved a lifetime business dream!). But I've fallen so far behind with everything on that front and I'm desperately trying to catch up now and get things back on an even keel.
If within you are strong then you will cope.
Sometimes I just want to stop for a few moments and take a rest from the effort of trying to be strong and the effort of trying to cope.
I always questioned the expression heart ripped out. I think it is more a case of emotions for someone ripped out and what is left is a void that is looking for a next high of TLC.
You're right. And I'm very wary of this.
In the meantime, I'm working on really enjoying the company of other people whenever I'm out of the house, and of appreciating what they bring to a conversation.
I've always been very much in the shadow of my H. He's a total extrovert and very charismatic. For pretty much our entire M the focus was on him and supporting him in his absolutely stratospheric career.
I've always put my heart and soul into what I do, in everything. In that way, my H and I are really similar...we're both all or nothing people. My way is just much more low key than his, and less attention seeking.
One of the things I've discovered in these past six weeks or so that other people really like me and feel very kindly towards me. One of my two best friends texted me yesterday 'you are loved and cared for by so many people'. It made me cry yesterday when I read it, and it's making me cry again typing it this morning.
I hope you find that peace and love you deserve.
I always try and reply but often have little time or something different to say than what has already been said. So just keep quiet.
Thank you for replying too and I hope we keep in touch. Its always great to meet someone like yourself.
Keep smiling focus....
Hugs Max
Thank you.
Hope today is a good day for you.
I have a question. I'm not sure what to do.
If my H is behaving according to script and looking to formalise some sort of S agreement in the near future (and my guess is that he'll be looking to start before the beginning of February next year for various reasons related to his work), or go ahead with a D, then how do I respond?
I'm in no rush to make a decision on it at the moment. I'm actually quite enjoying the period of time to myself without having to deal with him and his stuff.
At the moment, I would be willing to wait quite a long time to have any kind of interaction with him (certainly until the start of February, which then means May because of his work schedule).
I wouldn't be averse to answering a text he sent. One of the reasons being that I've ignored his last two texts (the one he sent a month ago saying it's best if we separate, and his latest temperature checking one). And a second reason being that I don't want it to look like I'm cutting him off completely. But I would like it to be something totally neutral and non committal. And I wouldn't answer straight away. Maybe leave it a couple of days.
Like, if he were to text me asking for a D, could I say something like 'well, it's certainly something to think about'? Or is there something else I could say that's even more vague and non committal and basically bats the ball back to his court?
Or maybe I should ignore a text like that too?
I think he's wanting me to take charge and organise everything for him. And I don't really want to do that. My time and energy is for myself at this point in time, and to use how I decide to use it. Sorting out his mess wouldn't be one way I would choose to use it.
Hi Focus, if he texts asking you for D, you could say - 'D isn't what I want, but if that's your choice, I won't stand in your way.'
I did this (my thread is in MLC) and have sat back and let H do all the work. I'm not obstructive, I'm just 'hands off' and I merely respond when needed...
Take care x
Thank you. I will keep that one up my sleeve.
Had some bad news from a close family member this afternoon (related to the stress of what's going on with my H).
It totally knocked me for six. I've rarely felt anger in my life like I did this afternoon when I found out. Selfish, selfish, selfish b*st*rd that he is.
Anyway, it's brought home just how much my focus needs to be on myself and on being strong so people round about me don't worry.
He's so far out of the picture at the moment, he's like a tiny dot on the horizon. And he can stay there.
This is so new... It must be very hard for you to think about talking to him. I have read your threads and thought about replying before, but felt a little down in the dumps and not encouraging at all.
I would probably have replied with 'What do you want to talk about?"
You can also ask that he e-mails you, so you won't have to deal with the difficult emotions of talking to him, if you don't want to. It can also be helpful in order to keep calm and get to document everything.
ETA: Just realized that I skipped a whole page of posts when I replied...
My W tried to pull a separation agreement. It was very much in her favour, so I just simply refused to sign it. End of story. You don't have to do anything that you don't want to do anymore. Obviously, protect yourself, but if it isn't in your interests, then don't bother.
I notice you also live in chilly Scotland as well - NDY is also up here, so if you need local advice, I guess we could help with that.
The tiredness is a bugger to deal with. TBH, I've been in an in house separation since April and I wouldn't recommend it. I see your H has cleared off - trust me, this will be less stressful than if he was around. Remember though, if you pay for your mortgage/rent you don't have to leave the house, even if your H wants you to.
Hi focus22. I am sure that you are aware of this but these WAS can be very manipulative. I ultimately realized that my wife was trying to orchestrate a divorce that was favorable to her. I was fortunate enough to have a counselor who advised me to talk to an attorney. It cost me $200 but I gained a lot of information that I would otherwise not had. The decision to file for divorce is a separate issue. Make sure that you arm yourself with information. Information about saving your marriage, rebuilding your life, and the process of ending your marriage if it comes to it.
Thank you so much Painter, Huddy, shotgun. As always, I appreciate your kindness in replying to my thread and your sharing your own perspectives. It all helps more than I could say.
This is so new... It must be very hard for you to think about talking to him. I have read your threads and thought about replying before, but felt a little down in the dumps and not encouraging at all.
I would probably have replied with 'What do you want to talk about?"
You can also ask that he e-mails you, so you won't have to deal with the difficult emotions of talking to him, if you don't want to. It can also be helpful in order to keep calm and get to document everything.
ETA: Just realized that I skipped a whole page of posts when I replied...
I think I shall do that.
I'm learning that I like to have a little time to deal with the feelings and think about how best (most dignified and most constructive way) to reply when I'm under pressure.
I'm also thinking that a written record of how things are unfolding might be a good thing for legal reasons, if I ever needed to refer to them at a future point.
Does this make me devious or manipulative? I'm worried that it does and feel a bit down about that.
My W tried to pull a separation agreement. It was very much in her favour, so I just simply refused to sign it. End of story. You don't have to do anything that you don't want to do anymore. Obviously, protect yourself, but if it isn't in your interests, then don't bother.
I notice you also live in chilly Scotland as well - NDY is also up here, so if you need local advice, I guess we could help with that.
I went along to my local Citizen's Advice Bureau on Thursday for the drop in, but the queue was already so long that I think I would have ended up being late for work (for those of you outside the UK, it somewhere that provides free advice).
I felt a bit defeated having to leave again, but on the plus side, at least I know I have to be there really early to be first/early on in the queue (I'm aiming on being there for 45 minutes before it officially opens next time).
For those of you who don't live here, I *think* we have a thing called 'Legal Separation' here in Scotland (Scots law is different from English law). From what I understand, you still remain married in the eyes of the law, and still have the all the obligations that being married carries. Legal separation is more to do with a separating assets, finances and not being responsible for any future debts that your spouse might accrue?
My H's behaviour is so out of control, that I'm worried about where it might lead him and I think that I would like to protect my own interests and assets.
I might be getting this totally wrong (I'm so, so tired at the moment), but I'm going to ask and find out where I stand.
The tiredness is a bugger to deal with. TBH, I've been in an in house separation since April and I wouldn't recommend it. I see your H has cleared off - trust me, this will be less stressful than if he was around. Remember though, if you pay for your mortgage/rent you don't have to leave the house, even if your H wants you to.
I have an advantage here I think: the house is in my name. My H is/was never interested in dealing with any of the practicalities (read: responsibilities) in life. I've always done all of them for him as well as for myself, including making up invoices for him, reminding him about contracts he hadn't signed, helping him with his tax return...the list is endless. He never got round to adding his name to the title deeds to the house.
I'm enjoying the stillness and peace and quiet here. His behaviour has been so chaotic, so selfish, so disrespectful of me and my own needs that it's a relief not to have to deal with him on an everyday basis any more. It all happened so gradually and over such a long period of time (4 years or so) that I didn't really know how bad it had become until now.
At the moment, I can barely get out of bed in the morning. But hey, yesterday I dragged myself up, got ready (making myself look the very best I could), walked to work, really embraced my day at work and walked home afterwards.
Hi focus22. I am sure that you are aware of this but these WAS can be very manipulative. I ultimately realized that my wife was trying to orchestrate a divorce that was favorable to her. I was fortunate enough to have a counselor who advised me to talk to an attorney. It cost me $200 but I gained a lot of information that I would otherwise not had. The decision to file for divorce is a separate issue. Make sure that you arm yourself with information. Information about saving your marriage, rebuilding your life, and the process of ending your marriage if it comes to it.
Ah, really great advice...thank you! Yup, information (and therefore hopefully also knowledge and understanding) are all helpful and positive.
Dealing with the manipulation is so exhausting. The truth that these people peddle is so overwhelming, so forceful, that it feels like you're being knocked flat by some huge tidal wave.
Trying very hard to find every single positive that I can in this whole thing (for my own benefit, I mean) and am hanging on to every single one for dear life.
My gut feeling tells me this is going to get a lot worse before it could start to get better. My H is very high energy anyway, always has been, but over the past 4 years it's tipped into a kind of self-perpetuating mania.
He only stopped just over 3 years ago when he completely fell apart and was hospitalised.
OW has only known him for barely 3 years, so she's never known him any other way than he is now and can't see the difference in him (the difference between his previous healthy high energy existence, and this unhealthy, very self destructive high energy existence).
She also can't see how angry he's become, because she didn't know him before. He thinks that life has been unfair to him and that being married to me has stopped him from having been able to do all the things he's always wanted to do. Needless to say, he's lead an incredibly charmed existence, achieving the most incredible professional success (along with my support and help) and has done more than almost everyone in his position.
She's also a lot younger than us *sigh*
I have a feeling I may be rehashing things I've already said a good few times before. I'm sorry.
Positive hat on now
Focus22 don't worry about having rehashed things here. Keep saying it until you feel better. Good to hear that you made yourself look good and walked to work! We have to make ourselves look our best because that is the first thing another human will notice.
I know that you need to talk about your husband and OW but be sure that you are beginning to turn the focus onto yourself. Besides looking your best think about doing something different like joining a club or group or learning a new skill. Maybe do some studying about something that you were always interested in. I have taken up yoga and am in a Spanish language class. Not very good at either but I am meeting some new people and having fun!
Sounds amazing, shotgun! Love both of those things myself.
We have access to some very low cost yoga classes through my part time job, so I might investigate that further :))
I have the chance of one or two other major GAL days away for nothing (have to put in a claim for a delayed train journey, so that might give me the cash to do a couple further GAL days away). Will put in that claim today.
So determined to learn as much as I can through all of this.
I like your determination focuss22. There is so much to learn through all of this. I am starting to see all of this as Michele says, as a gift. I have learned things about myself that I might otherwise not have known. I have learned that the number of good people in the world far outweigh the number of bad. I have learned that there are people who I can count on no matter what the circumstances.
Glad to hear that you are interested in yoga classes. My gym membership includes access to all classes offered there. $40 a month to work out all that I want and they offer classes every day. If I don't get there it is my fault. There are some cute girls there as well! That's probably more interesting to me than it is to you
You've actually just reminded me of something, shotgun. Thank you!
It's good to focus on the positive. Had a bit of a conversation about this last night at work (there was a little down time where we all stood around and had a chat). Anyway, one of the guys there was saying he was 'cynical' about life, ambition and any opportunities that might come along.
I could feel myself getting defensive and judging him (nobody noticed though, it was just a totally interior reaction on my part). I don't think I want to ever become 'cynical' about things. It feels like a pretty heavy emotion to carry about with you and I'm not sure how I would manage to get up out of bed in the morning and get through the day, if I didn't feel a huge amount of positivity and hope.
I've been really overwhelmed by people's kindness over the past while. Even just the very lovely things people have said to me the past couple of days have really touched me.
A little eye candy always brightens the day too. I'm learning this as well
Yes, you're right about legal separation. If it's to protect yourself, then go ahead. Remember though, it is legally binding and will be operated through the courts and if you want to get any of it changed, you have to involve them in the whole process. Obviously, I don't know your financial situation, but if you can't get legal aid, it's gonna cost.
The house is easier. If it's in your name, and you have no tenancy agreement with your H, you can ask him to stay away (if he ever decided to come over) but I think in a D, you would be required to split the assets 50/50.
NDY is really good on the law side of things. Hope fully he'll pop in and have a word!
Actually, NDY is an excellent guy. He helped me get up from the gutter when I'd been kicked so often. I noticed you're quite 'new' in to this. Don't give up. You really have to start pulling yourself out of the mire in order to help your wounds heal. I'm guessing you've got all the usual things; weight loss, lack of sleep, lack of appetite, emotional mess - the first thing to sort out is the emotional one. You really have to get a handle on getting up, getting dressed and smiling to yourself. I guess you've maybe felt suicidal - don't panic, in six months time (ahem....that'll be me then!) you'll look back and realise that won't help.
It's a big learning curve, but YOU WILL be OK.
I'm also thinking that a written record of how things are unfolding might be a good thing for legal reasons, if I ever needed to refer to them at a future point.
Does this make me devious or manipulative? I'm worried that it does and feel a bit down about that.
Absolutely not! It makes you rational and thoughtful.
He thinks that life has been unfair to him and that being married to me has stopped him from having been able to do all the things he's always wanted to do.
This is what I heard from H while the A was still active, and for a while afterwards. I haven't heard it in a while now - but the A has supposedly been over for close to a year.
Yes, you're right about legal separation. If it's to protect yourself, then go ahead. Remember though, it is legally binding and will be operated through the courts and if you want to get any of it changed, you have to involve them in the whole process. Obviously, I don't know your financial situation, but if you can't get legal aid, it's gonna cost.
The house is easier. If it's in your name, and you have no tenancy agreement with your H, you can ask him to stay away (if he ever decided to come over) but I think in a D, you would be required to split the assets 50/50.
NDY is really good on the law side of things. Hopefully he'll pop in and have a word!
Yup, it's all these kinds of things I need to find out about.
I'm appreciating more and more the importance of protecting myself (in all sorts of ways). And I'm definitely starting to feel the benefits too. I guess that's what boundaries are for? Feeling safe, feeling strong, feeling like it gives you space to think and process things for yourself.
Actually, NDY is an excellent guy. He helped me get up from the gutter when I'd been kicked so often. I noticed you're quite 'new' in to this. Don't give up. You really have to start pulling yourself out of the mire in order to help your wounds heal. I'm guessing you've got all the usual things; weight loss, lack of sleep, lack of appetite, emotional mess - the first thing to sort out is the emotional one. You really have to get a handle on getting up, getting dressed and smiling to yourself. I guess you've maybe felt suicidal - don't panic, in six months time (ahem....that'll be me then!) you'll look back and realise that won't help.
Yeah, lost tons of weight. Not really interested in eating and can't really sleep either.
On the plus side, I'm doing a great job of getting up and showing up
I used to be a bit of a clothes horse and am really starting to enjoy that side of life again. I don't mean in a 'buying loads of stuff' kind of way, or a 'mutton dressed as lamb' sort of way. Neither of those are really my style. More in an 'enjoying experimenting with what I already have' kind of way, and making sure I always look my best. Been getting loads of compliments too (from both men and women).
I'm also getting to grips with GAL and have had some really positive experiences with what I've been doing for myself on that front as well.
I need to start dealing with physical health a bit more though. I'm really pretty healthy anyway, but it would be good to up my game on that front and learn to embrace and enjoy that. So that's next on the list for me.
It's a big learning curve, but YOU WILL be OK.
Thank you.
I have a suspicion that in spite of everything, I am doing better than my H at the moment.
Hope things are going well for you today.
Hi Focus, it sounds as though you are doing as well as can be expected, so - good for you my friend. Physical health sounds like a good place to focus and again, it's very much an act of self-love to invest in your health....and we need all the self love we can get in these circumstances!
I have found yoga and meditating to both be helpful, and I journaled too for a while. I tend to use this forum as my 'journal' now - but there was a time I journalled a lot and it does help release some of the pent-up feelings. I also do a bit of primal screaming in the car if I'm feeling a little wound up.
I lapse now and again, but I have found those times when I'm cooking and eating well, going out for walks, swimming, yoga and meditating - these are the times when I feel so much better in myself. The sleep is a tough one, and does take a little while to settle. Again, I used to meditate during the night and I had a microwaveable lavender eye pillow that was very nice too - or reading helped. This will pass though I'm sure, and as you settle the rest of you, sleep settles too.
Take care xx
Thank you Sotto. And for your kind words of encouragement too. They mean a lot to me.
Today I've found I can lose my balance and fall off the tightrope over the most trivial thing. So I guess one aim for me for the future would be to learn to have a better sense of balance?
There's a huge part of me that still doesn't understand. It still doesn't make any sense. But at the same time, it all makes perfect sense and I totally get it (intellectually speaking).
I guess none of that matters really. It is what it is. And you can only deal with yourself in this present moment. Right?
I'm so tired though. I miss my H. I miss the conversations we used to have. We're so similar in so many ways (and so different in others).
Paradoxes, extremes and opposites...I guess that's what today has been about.
Another day, and yet more lessons to learn.
Focus. Don't worry about finding the most trivial thing upsetting. I went through town today, seeing the clothes shops wife used to take me in. I missed the whole idea of being a couple just looking together. I had to remind myself who she is and what she has done. After a good day with son I miss being able to talk it over with W. Be strong.
Can't get beyond it all being my fault tonight.
Keep hearing the same words echoing in my head, over and over and over.
One of my H's mentors, someone he admired all his life and finally got the chance of working with last year, telling me last year how very lucky I was to me married to my H.
Need to stop this train of thought. It's not good for me.
Will think of something I am grateful for today and focus on that.
Hello focus22. I hope that your mind is more at peace today. Try to remember that this has very little to do with you. Your husband has ran off the tracks and you can't stop it. Try to keep the focus on you and what is good for you and develop you into the most perfect focus22 that is possible. You are still young and anything is possible for you. Think about the person you want to be going forward and work toward that!
Thank you Scrant, shotgun.
I've noticed that if I start thinking about him (and the past we have shared) I start feeling on some very shaky ground.
So my task is to keep the focus on myself and on the present moment as much as I can. And to stop myself going down those other paths.
I realise where I feel a loss (like, say, in the company we shared, or the conversations we had, or work we did together) I can find other ways of finding those things. I'd most definitely not be seeking to find them all in the same person, but from lots of different people.
Today I am grateful for:
* The news that my close relation will not need an operation and will be home from hospital
* A friend I haven't heard from for ages (and who I thought had dropped of the radar) getting in touch again with a long, chatty and positive email
* The warmth and friendliness of the people I work part time with
* Hearing a very beautiful live performance of one of my favourite pieces of music
* Achieving a life time business goal, of which I am very proud
* Feeling full of life, and managing to be bright and wide eyed on only 4 hours sleep
* Having the strength and willpower not to call, text or email (I think the last text I sent was on 23 October. It was a very neutral text, asking for information only).
And finally:
* The insight that I've managed to gain over the past couple of months.
So, your H wasn't lucky to be married to you? Ignore these simpletons - they will side with whoever they feel has the upper hand/better story to tell.
Focus is Focus. Just need to work on the here and now and not the past or future. Oh, by the way, none of it is your fault. We've all been at that point. You're still in hurt mode. Don't panic.
So, your H wasn't lucky to be married to you?
I used to crack that joke back and wink, whenever someone said that to me in the past.
This last year though, it all got too overwhelming. I remember starting to cry that particular time and saying 'I know' over and over.
It was just at the time I started getting a series of increasingly debilitating physical illnesses. I just couldn't take any more of the stress I had been soaking up from my H for the previous however many years.
Ignore these simpletons - they will side with whoever they feel has the upper hand/better story to tell.
He'll be the one that shouts loudest, for sure.
Focus is Focus. Just need to work on the here and now and not the past or future. Oh, by the way, none of it is your fault. We've all been at that point. You're still in hurt mode. Don't panic.
I'm trying desperately not to. I've still managed to keep my silence with regard to texting, emailing or speaking to him.
Time is probably passing in different ways for the both of us. For him it's probably speeding past. For me, each day is really dragging at the moment.
Another nightmare last night. Followed by a split second of thinking everything was OK. Followed by waking up and realising what the reality is.
I can't deal with this rollercoaster.
I want out. But which way is out?
Focus22 the way out is to focus on yourself. Your husband will do whatever he wants to do and he will deal with the consequences. He like so many here is looking for happiness in all the wrong places and he must travel that path until he either finds it or realizes what he left behind. You must travel the path of finding your self and making you the most attractive most educated and most emotionally mature that you can possibly be. I am here for you and praying for you. Hope today is a better day!
Thank you for that reminder. You are totally right.
I need to print your words out and have them under my nose at all times.
I had to go and buy a diary for next year. I'll be getting my rota for January from my part time job soon. Good heavens, that was a hard task. Having to think about next year and the shops full of Christmas stuff.
Anyway, it's done. And I managed to do it in a dignified manner as well...took my time, looked at all the options, had a bit of a chat with the cashier, bought a coffee too.
So, back to GAL for me.
One thing I've discovered recently is that we get the chance to learn sign language through our employer (for free). I'm going to put my name down for the course.
I've always loved learning new things and learning languages especially, but sign language isn't something that I'd ever thought about learning while I was with my H. So that's a new thing, something that will be totally mine.
We also have a new member of staff who is deaf. We all want to be able to speak to him and make him feel welcome, so it would be an extra incentive (plus I'd get to practise and learn even more). He taught me how to spell my name out, and the next night I was able to introduce myself to someone else, totally unexpectedly. She was really delighted.
The other thing I've kinda always wanted to learn how to do is make sushi. So I'll find some tutorials on YouTube and investigate that a bit.
Hey focus22,
I can see that you are really excited about the opportunity to learn some new skills.
You are on the right track with the GAL.
Fantastic focus22! I would love to be able to sign. Maybe after mastering Spanish I will take that up. I do think all of this is really about finding our true selves and defining our values and boundaries. Too bad we have to do it under these circumstances but so be it. We will leave this a healthier person.
Thank you vise82! I've always loved learning new things. I'm one of those eternally curious people
We will indeed, shotgun.
Today turned out quite well - your prayers and positive vibes worked!
I had to practically drag myself out of bed. But I got ready and managed to get out of the house.
I got a whole load of my own work done this afternoon, and met a new customer too. I'm going to like working with her, so fingers crossed she thinks the price I give her is OK and she signs her contract.
I stayed late (until 10.00pm) and am starting to catch up with everything that I fell behind with in October. Started filling my diary for January 2016.
Got another bunch of compliments today, in spite of not feeling my best ('very glamorous' from a gay colleague of mine, and 'beautiful' from someone else ).
Came home again and fancied a G&T. Went to open my bottle of Hendrick's that was a present from someone I worked for last summer. The job I worked on was amazing, I absolutely loved it despite working crazy hours (16 hour days). One of those jobs that changes your life for the better in so many ways.
Anyway, discovered that the bottle was almost *entirely* empty (apart form 1 very lonely measure, right at the bottom).
My H had drunk it all, and he doesn't even *like* gin. I don't know what on earth he drank it with, because there's been no tonic in the house for ages. The only thing I can think of is coke. But who would drink gin and coke? That seems weird.
I just feel really sad. He's been blitzing his brain with a *huge* amount of alcohol for 4 or 5 years now, and a lot of drugs too (not bad ones, but I'm really clean living....I like to feel healthy...so it's not something I would ever do). I got to the stage of hiding drink and drugs from him when it he got bad.
I just feel really sad for him this evening. Where did that man I fell in love with, married, and knew so well for 13 or 14 years go?
Focus22 I have asked myself the same question what happened to the girl I fell in love with. She says that she had an awakening and is now someone different. The truth is that I do not want to be with the new person that she woke up to be. It has taken some time to detach from her because I love her without condition. I can now however define what I need in a wife. I need someone who is truthful and loyal and at peace with their life. All of the women that I ever dated had daddy issues. It took a lot of expensive therapy to come to that conclusion but now I know. I have always known that happiness came from inside me and now I will find a woman who knows that as well!
That's the worst - waking up thinking everything is ok, then you remember.
When you're going through hell, keep going. I guess that's the only way out.
Focus22 I have asked myself the same question what happened to the girl I fell in love with. She says that she had an awakening and is now someone different.
I have heard this from my H as well.
The truth is that I do not want to be with the new person that she woke up to be.
Yeah, me neither. I don't really like this new person. He's very, very selfish, arrogant, thoughtless and sometimes downright cruel as well.
It has taken some time to detach from her because I love her without condition. I can now however define what I need in a wife. I need someone who is truthful and loyal and at peace with their life. All of the women that I ever dated had daddy issues. It took a lot of expensive therapy to come to that conclusion but now I know. I have always known that happiness came from inside me and now I will find a woman who knows that as well!
I've been chatting with my counsellor about what I've found attractive in men in the past and how my relationships have unfolded (the few before I met my H as well as with my H). And there's definitely a pattern there. That's something I wasn't aware of before all of this, so that's good.
Glad to hear that you are learning some things about yourself focus. It is indeed a gift that our spouses have given us in that we have the chance to learn and define ourselves and our wants and needs. Going forward we will be more wise and deliberate but always loving, caring and forgiving. Our new found wisdom will bring us peace and joy.
Some day you and Rouky and the rest of the Lonely Hearts Club will have to come here and we will all share a glass and toast the end of our collective nightmares and drink to the new us. God Bless you as always!
Focus, maybe this analogy will help you since you're still pretty new in the game.
You used to live on an island, you lived there for 15 years. It had good parts and bad parts, but it was home, familiar and has a lot of great memories.
One day you woke up and someone kicked you off the island. Yep, the tied you up, rowed you about fifty yards offshore and dumped you out of the boat saying you could never come back. Hell, maybe that you weren't ever welcome there in the first place. Doesn't matter what they say, you're in the water now and that's what really matters.
Your only choice is to swim for a new island that people keep telling you exists. You've heard about this mythical place, but can't see it in the distance. You can't even see the outline of it. You think it's probably BS and that you're going to die.
The first half mile of the swim is hell. The waves are huge, there are sharks, jelly fish, birds crap on you, and more. You're starving, can't sleep, and if you manage to pass out for a few minutes your just dream you're safely back on your home island...then you swallow seawater and throw up.
So you keep swimming. And it's still hell. And it's still hell. Sometimes you get out into some clear water, but then there's a thunderstorm. Sometimes the storms pass, and the current washes you back to where you were three days before and you have to go through the whole ordeal again.
After what seems like an eternity, a piece of driftwood floats by and you cling on to it. You finally get some sleep, maybe catch a fish and eat it. Your life is still hell, but you're not physically dying any more.
Sometimes people in the "GAL Boat" row by and you get to sit with them, eat, and forget about your troubles for a while. They may teach you a thing or two too. You may forget about your swim for a bit until they leave and you have to get back in the water. You come here and learn not only how to swim, but also possibilities that the home island wasn't all that it seemed. Most importantly you realize that there are a lot of skills about water navigation that you thought you knew but you really didn't.
So you study, and you learn, and you make keeping your head above water a daily practice.
Little by little the waters calm down, they clear up, you're in better shape from the swimming. You've befriended a dolphin and some seagulls. Life's ok again. You've got food, a new sweet log to hang out on, and have a feeling that you may just make it.
Of course there are still storms, rogue waves, the occasional hungry shark, but you're doing well.
And then it happens. You see a glimmer of an outline. Just the slightest bit. Is it an island? Is it real? Is it a mirage or just denial? And then it disappears.
So you do what you know has worked thus far, you keep swimming, and swimming, and dealing with what the ocean throws at you. You accept the pain, the garbage in the water, the pollution, and the hurt that it all causes you.
Eventually that new island starts to come back into focus. You see it. It is real. There are happy people on it. Maybe your H is on it and he's done all of the work necessary and is sorry for being such an a-hole. Maybe he's not, but that's ok because the best part about the island isn't the other people on it - it's the you that crawls up on the shore.
The you that's lived through hell and survived. The you that is now fluent in sign language and makes world class sushi - plus infinitely morei. The you that has been expanded beyond anything thought possible prior. The you that has inevitably been changed by the experience and can never go back to being the old you that lived on the original island.
--
Does that help? That's what I keep telling myself anyway. It helped me to think of it that way because so often I felt like there was no way back and no where to go, that I had to just try not to drown and I wanted to give up and let the waves take me.
One day at a time Focus, it's a long swim and you've just begun, but the only way to get to the other side is to take it one day at a time.
PP
Thank you. Crying as I read what you had written.
Will answer properly later on. Will hopefully feel a bit more positive about it all by then. Just feeling a bit crushed by the sheer enormity of it all at the moment.
But thank you. It's always good to read words of wisdom x
Some day you and Rouky and the rest of the Lonely Hearts Club will have to come here and we will all share a glass and toast the end of our collective nightmares and drink to the new us. God Bless you as always!
We will! Or you guys could all come over here. We throw a mean party over this way :o)
So, I did a huge thing on Thursday and went to find out where I stand about about the house, changing the locks and any debt that my H might run into over the next while (not that he has done this in the past, but I don't entirely trust him and his capacity to deal with life now).
It's good news all round. I was actually crying as the person I went to see was telling me.
Through a *very* particular set of circumstances the house is mine. There was good news for me about having changed the locks too, and also very good news about any debt that H might run up.
I was so exhausted from it (and it took a whole morning), I had to come home and sleep before my evening shift.
Dragged myself out of bed after, and *made* myself get ready, properly. That evening I randomly bumped into three people I used to know years and years ago (to varying degrees) and they were all really happy to see me again. Will go out for coffees and a catch up with all of them.
Today I went to my IC. She brought up that me doing nothing and basically leaving things as they are at the moment could be seen as avoidance.
I'm starting to feel that people (my counsellor, a couple of my friends) are trying to push me to resolve the situation and finalise a separation/divorce.
I said to her that I was enjoying the time and space to myself (which I am). It feels like my life has been stressful and chaotic for a good while now. I've been dealing with H's increasingly heavy drinking, drug taking and his lack of appropriate boundaries with a number women (not just the 2 mentions in my signature) for a number of years, and I can't begin to describe the relief of not having all that around me any more. I don't really want to rush headlong into another stressful situation with lots more stuff to process.
I've got a very busy December, work wise, and am enjoying it. My part time job is very sociable and I'm always meeting lots of new people through it as well. I feel quite lucky at the moment.
I texted my MIL this morning.
It's been a good while since I spoke to her and we were always quite close. She's been quite worried about the whole situation. I told her I was doing well (surprisingly!) and have been quite busy, so not to worry.
I also told her about the text he'd sent me, asking me if I was wanting to talk about anything yet. I said that I didn't feel it was my responsibility to talk to him, because of what he had decided to do.
I'm not sure that was the right thing to do now.
Anyway, it's done. All I can do is learn from this too...try not to get tangled up in this stuff again, keep looking forwards and keep moving forwards. It comes down to willpower and focus.
I know I have plenty willpower
I'm trying hard with focussing.
The thing that's a bit of a blank slate at the moment is where I want to go with this, specifically for me. To get to where you want to go, you need to know where you *want* to go, right? And the more precisely you can define that, the better you'll know where you are on that journey and how far you still have to go.
Hmm, so maybe sending that text to my MIL this morning and dealing with how I felt about it afterwards has brought this other stuff more sharply into focus? None of this is really about my H and what he's up to, it's back to being all about me.
Well, yesterday turned into a good day.
I had finished some work for a customer for my own business and met up with her yesterday. She loved what I had done for her, and was so excited and incredibly appreciative.
It was a nice day, so I decided to walk to my evening shift. On the way I found the foxiest pair of shoes I have ever seen in a charity shop window. I went in to ask about them and and discovered they were new and in my size. And now they're mine :o)
My evening shift was good too. I like the various people I work with, and it's a job I started recently, so it's part of my life now (but not part of my previous life with my H, iykwim).
We're working very hard in December, and as of last night we're planning an end of busy period evening out for everyone in early January.
It was me that came up with the idea, which if you knew me you would understand just how out of character that is. But I think a night out, with people I know a little through work and others I can meet, where there is no heavy or serious chat, will be a good thing.
Focus it's great to hear that you are busy and things are going well for you. I wouldn't talk to his family about your R. I would just talk about your relationship with them. My W is with her parents these days I texted them to wish them a happy anniversary. They replied saying how they wished I was there too and to visit them anytime. We didn't refer to W. There's no point, you can't gain anything and only lose with a careless remark. Looking at your posts you are doing some great things. Keep going.
Thank you.
And thank you for also helping me to see that I can chat to them about my relationship with them. I hadn't thought of that.
My MIL told me just after this whole thing exploded that she was really upset because I'm part of the family. She's also since said that she is very keen to keep in touch and to keep offering me work when she can, as I occasionally do some work for her.
She did text back yesterday saying she was glad I was sounding so positive. She had seen her son/my H a couple of weeks ago, when he did a couple of hours work for her, but nothing since then.
I reckon he's just basically running away from everything and everyone that knows him well at the moment. Of course, that's speculation on my part.
I did realise that I had made a mistake right after I texted. And I noticed that I was really attached to the outcome (her texting me back with some sort of reaction). So, lesson learnt on that front.
Still struggling with a lot of things, tbh. Still losing weight, feeling nauseous, not sleeping much, having nightmares every time I sleep, feeling very scared...
Sorry to hear of your nightmares focus. I have lost an awful lot of weight in this process like you have. I guess it's the stress of it all because I eat like a horse. I think part of the mourning involves the loss of our in-laws as well as the end of our marriage. I am also seeing some really interesting behavior in my in-laws. I think that this is hard on them too. The night out that you are planning sounds like a ton of fun to me. I'll check the price of plane tickets and look at my schedule...... Love that you bought new shoes. Now find something to go with them and maybe get a makeover. Nothing is so sexy as a girl with a new look! Keep working hard and have a fun week.
Thank you shotgun!
The thing I was feeling most down about was having so few friends of my own. I have a part-time job in my H's industry, and because of who he is in the industry and because he is such an incredible extrovert, everyone knows who he is and a lot of people gravitate towards him. Not many people know me for who I really am because I'm more of an introvert, and I've always been in his shadow really.
Anyway, I've made a conscious effort to reach out a bit more. So I have one definite night out next week and possibly a coffee with someone as well. With the very long hours I'm working at the moment, the next time off I have (apart from Christmas day and new year's day) will be the end of the first week of next year. And then I can plan some more.
I'm at the point where I'm starting to think that I'm doing OK. I can function, connect reasonably well with other people, do well in my work and enjoy it (as long as it's not too pressured), process what's been happening over the past few months (and years), and make some plans for the future.
Will hunt out a new frock to go with my shoes
A new frock is perfect focus! It will look great on you next time you go out. I too had a back seat to my spouse' career and I am pretty quiet around people that I don't know well. I am however enjoying meeting new people through GAL activities and working out at the gym. I live in a small town and it is pretty hard to meet new people. Keep working on yourself and stay as busy as possible. Think about new hobbies and interests. Praying for you always!
A new frock is perfect focus! It will look great on you next time you go out. I too had a back seat to my spouse' career and I am pretty quiet around people that I don't know well. I am however enjoying meeting new people through GAL activities and working out at the gym. I live in a small town and it is pretty hard to meet new people. Keep working on yourself and stay as busy as possible. Think about new hobbies and interests. Praying for you always!
Thank you shotgun.
GAL is amazing, isn't it? What a lifeline.
One of the things I'm really struggling with is the humiliation and shame I'm feeling.
I don't know where to go or what to do with those feelings.
Hi Focus, any time shame is mentioned, I think Brene Brown! Have you watched her TED talks? You may also want to have a look at the TED talk on infidelity by Esther Perel.
Hope these help a little. Also, are you seeing an IC? These would be good areas to explore at those sessions too.
Take care Sweetie x
Thank you Sotto. I shall definitely check those out.
Yup. I was seeing an IC for something else entirely (anxiety and panic attacks as a result of pursuing legal action against an ex colleague). I had been for two sessions with her when all this happened. So that's what we've been talking about ever since.
She seems very keen for me to draw a line under our M. She keeps referring to him as my 'ex husband' and statistics about two thirds of Ms ending in divorce.
I must admit to feeling slightly annoyed every time she calls him my 'ex husband', but I understand why she's saying it and what she's getting at.
BTW, we won our court case. It was covered in the papers.
That man now has a criminal record for what he did, and it will stay with him for life. Very proud.
Congratulations on winning in court focus22. Glad that you are in counseling. Therapist try to get us to see reality and in her mind the marriage might be over. Mine did the same thing but it was at a time when I really needed to accept it. As for humiliation and shame you need work on that because you don't really have any reason for those feelings. The work you are doing with the therapist is very hard and Lord only knows where it will go. I found out that I was much healthier than I thought going in. She just kept saying "Those feelings are completely normal". I had been so beaten down by my STBXW that I believed everything that she said about me. I am glad to have gone through the therapy because I am now armed with a lot more knowledge than I had going into it. Hope you have had a great evening as it is early afternoon here. Stay strong and keep up the hard work!
Congratulations on winning in court focus22.
Thank you. It was pretty stressful (people don't take legal action here very often).
Glad that you are in counseling. Therapist try to get us to see reality and in her mind the marriage might be over. Mine did the same thing but it was at a time when I really needed to accept it.
I've felt a couple of times that she's been pushing me along slightly. That's OK, I guess.
As for humiliation and shame you need work on that because you don't really have any reason for those feelings. The work you are doing with the therapist is very hard and Lord only knows where it will go. I found out that I was much healthier than I thought going in. She just kept saying "Those feelings are completely normal". I had been so beaten down by my STBXW that I believed everything that she said about me. I am glad to have gone through the therapy because I am now armed with a lot more knowledge than I had going into it. Hope you have had a great evening as it is early afternoon here. Stay strong and keep up the hard work!
She's said those things to me too, about some of my feelings being totally normal.
I've felt a lot of the time over the past four or five years that I haven't known which way was up any more. I'd say to my H how I felt about certain (hurtful to me) things he was doing, and he would just carry on doing them, without so much as a second thought. I guess I just got used to that. And he just pushed further and further into my boundary. And I got used to that too.
At the moment, I have absolutely no desire to see my H, speak to him, or even just find out how he is.
How different from a year ago, when I had only just found out the extent of his involvement with OW.
He had just come back for the weekend from working away. He kept checking his phone. For some reason I asked him to give me his phone, but he wouldn't. I eventually pulled it off him and saw a text he'd written to her, saying 'I still love you'.
I asked him very calmly to explain. And he spent about 10 minutes staring at the floor.
What he then said was enough of the truth to satisfy himself, and enough of the truth for me to understand. I was devastated and hardly slept that night.
Anyway, hope that you're well and have some things that you can look forward to.
Today is the first day that I've woken up and felt reasonably OK.
I think one of the reasons is that I've managed to reach out to a few people over the past couple of weeks. Only one of them knows my H (although he knows him through me, and only very slightly). The others have never met him and don't really know anything about him.
And I've got a few social events lined up too. A mix of partying and chats over coffee.
I'm going to send out nothing but positivity and good vibes when I'm out and with other people. I've already seen and felt how this feeling comes back to me, multiplied. So I'm going to carry on with that approach.
Happy for you focus! Keep reaching out and keep working on yourself. I would love to be at your parties! Guess I will have to find one closer to home. I second your statement abut the good vibes coming back around to you. Not a big believer in karma but I have learned through my cancer that there are a lot of people who I have connected with over the years that poured out their hearts to me when I really needed it. Sadly my wife abandoned me when I was at my lowest point. I am now seeing it clearly however that if she could do it at that point then I really had nothing with her any way.
Ending on a happy note, I hope tomorrow brings a spring to your step and a smile to your face. God Bless you and thinking of you always.
Today is two months to the day that my H left.
Precisely at this time two months ago he was saying horrible things about me, and about our M to me. I stayed
really calm the whole time.
I know that after he walked out the door I felt really desperate, but I can't quite remember what that feeling was exactly like.
How do I feel now? I had another nightmare and didn't sleep much last night.
Today has been a good day though. I went to my part time job, I had two pieces of really good news for my own business, and I bought a really sexy top to go with my new foxy shoes (going for the heels, jeans and nice top look for my GAL Christmas nights out this coming week). I'll do my hair as well...new colour.
How difficult is all of this? Unspeakably difficult and horrendously painful. I'm not even sure if I want to carry on with my M at this point. I certainly have no inclination to see, speak, or have any sort of communication with my H for now. I'm enjoying having this time to myself and enjoying getting to know myself again a little.
I guess time will tell. It's still all very new.
Happy for you focus! Keep reaching out and keep working on yourself. I would love to be at your parties! Guess I will have to find one closer to home. I second your statement abut the good vibes coming back around to you. Not a big believer in karma but I have learned through my cancer that there are a lot of people who I have connected with over the years that poured out their hearts to me when I really needed it. Sadly my wife abandoned me when I was at my lowest point. I am now seeing it clearly however that if she could do it at that point then I really had nothing with her any way.
Ending on a happy note, I hope tomorrow brings a spring to your step and a smile to your face. God Bless you and thinking of you always.
Sorry to hear you were so unwell, shotgun. I can't begin to imagine how difficult and painful that all must have been.
Hope you have something nice lined up for the weekend? And God bless you too.
Focus, it sounds like you doing fantastically well for 2 months . We're on the same timeline and I'm not throwing myself out there as much as you. Enjoy your weekend.
Hi focus22. I hope to draw inspiration from your GAL activities! Very proud of you for soldiering on and for your remarkable strength. It's interesting how horrible we are in our
S eyes. Funny thing here is that they don't seem incredibly excited about having moved on. I expected my wife to be prancing happily about after she left but she just seemed very angry. I predict that your husband will go through a good bit of anger as well. Do not however try to rationalize or explain his behavior because even the greatest minds in the psychological world can not do that. Your husband and my wife had something trigger in them that makes up seem down and left seem right. We have to allow them to work their way through that and in the meantime make ourselves as happy and healthy as we possibly can. Keep buying those sexy clothes and plaster on a smile and get out and drive the boys crazy! Have a fun weekend.
I'm 5+ months in, and believe me, it does get better. The sleep gets easier, but every now and then, a sleepless night will creep up on me and remind me I still have a long way to go.
I've had to just let go. And that's been the hardest thing I've ever done, but also the thing that has saved my sanity and my life.
Like you, the GAL activities have been vital in recovery and growth. Keep at it! Keep telling yourself "I will be ok", and commit to it. You can do this!
Focus, it sounds like you doing fantastically well for 2 months . We're on the same timeline and I'm not throwing myself out there as much as you. Enjoy your weekend.
Thank you Scrant. I'll keep checking in on your thread to see how you're doing.
I'm lucky in that I work in a sociable job, with a lot of very sociable people
Hi focus22. I hope to draw inspiration from your GAL activities!
I *am* really nervous about it all though, and sometimes totally petrified. But what are the other options? They don't seem half as appealing to me.
It's interesting how horrible we are in our S eyes. Funny thing here is that they don't seem incredibly excited about having moved on. I expected my wife to be prancing happily about after she left but she just seemed very angry. I predict that your husband will go through a good bit of anger as well.
God, he was so incredibly angry at me the night he left. Everything was my fault. He was even questioning why we ever got married in the first place. Part of me is totally shocked by that, part of me is like, wtf?!
I don't know what is going through his mind at the moment, or what he is up to. I could try and guess, but what would be the point?
I've discovered that going down that train of thought leads me to feel all over the place, frightened, stressed, unable to deal with things and to function. So I've been trying to catch myself and to stop myself as much as I can.
My part time job has been helping, as I'm doing so many hours at the moment, and it's really busy. It might be harder in January, when things slow down a bit.
At some point I'm guessing my H might want to see me? But maybe not, I don't know. And I have no idea what he might say or do.
My hunch is that he'll throw some anger in my direction. I'm not really very good at dealing with that with people in general. I'm *very* good at diffusing anger and calming people right down. But it's time to face that too now, in my life, right?
I'm 5+ months in, and believe me, it does get better. The sleep gets easier, but every now and then, a sleepless night will creep up on me and remind me I still have a long way to go.
I've had to just let go. And that's been the hardest thing I've ever done, but also the thing that has saved my sanity and my life.
Like you, the GAL activities have been vital in recovery and growth. Keep at it! Keep telling yourself "I will be ok", and commit to it. You can do this!
Thank you. I'm so incredibly grateful I discovered this place, and for all people who have taken the time to share their experiences on their own threads as well as on mine. I can't begin to describe the difference that it's made to me.
Speak to you all soon x
I have a question. What do I say when people ask about my H and I?
What do I say to people at my work?
And what do I say when people in our industry ask about my H and I?
I'm at a total loss.
Focus, can you just say "we are separated right now"? I don't really know.
Thank you pho.
Even the simplest thing relating to my M and H seems to be fraught with complexity at the moment.
Sad moment yesterday at work, when we were talking about channel set diamonds and the person I was talking to didn't know what that sort of setting looked like. So I went to show my engagement ring, and then remembered it's not on my finger any more.
Anyway, back to today. I've ended up with two invitations to work drinks for this evening. So I'm going to both. I'll spend a couple of hours and one, and a couple of hours at the other.
Enjoy your evening! As for what to tell people, you have nothing to hide I agree with Pho.
Thank you Scrant.
Well this evening turned out fun, for lots of different reasons.
I had a good afternoon at work. And then got dolled up for our evening out, so I felt quite good about myself, even if a little shy. The first part of my evening I unexpectedly met two people who knew my H and I, and had worked with us.
One was really surprised to hear our news, but was bowled over by how well I looked, and thought it was now my time to shine. She said she thought I needed someone really strong who was able to give me the support I needed.
The other one of them is working with my H at the moment. She knew we had split up, so she was asking how I was. I was in all honesty able to tell her what I'd been up to (GAL), how well I was doing, and how surprised I was to be getting chatted up so much.
I think I met them both at the right time. If I had met them a month ago, I wouldn't have felt quite so good, so it wouldn't have all been quite so convincing and truthful.
Anyway, I'm sure some of that will get back to him in some form or another.
I went to my other night out, and had an hour with everyone there. They were all very happy to see me, and all thought I looked very well. Nobody there knows about my H (some of them were talking about what a dude he is, so it was a bit weird. I hope I kept it under control though and didn't give anything away).
I walked the couple of miles home at the end of the evening. It gave me a chance to think the evening over. There's nothing I said or did that makes my toes curl. I was a bit subdued and shy, if anything.
So tomorrow afternoon, I have a GAL coffee planned.
Wow! I am so impressed with you. I cannot wait to GAL. The minute my car arrives back home after being repaired, I am off to explore new things to the best of my ability. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of my kids having to deal with the brunt of my emotions. I'm moving on, and looking forward to it. You have inspired me greatly.
Thank you!
Thank you so much Ancaire! That means so much to me
I fell like this is the most extreme end of GAL. And it's the one I'm least comfortable with, tbh. I might try some lower key GAL next, one that's not quite so in your face.
Thinking a bit more over last night...there's a very young woman at work. She's very beautiful, intelligent and charming too.
She was there, at the second part of my GAL last night, dressed to kill and looking amazing.
But you know what I've noticed in the few years we've worked together? She hangs on to every guy like there's no tomorrow. And what I saw last night? She was having an intense one to one with one of the newer guys who has started working there. There was a lot of flirting on her part. She's very conscious of being so pretty, so there's a bit of manipulation in there as well.
She's beautiful, but beyond that, when you look at her patterns of behaviour, she gives the impression of someone who is insubstantial. There's not enough of her own personality and spirit there to feel. It doesn't matter about either liking or disliking who she might be, that's almost irrelevant. What you want to feel is someone's substance.
It also gives her an air of neediness and desperation. And it makes me want to keep her at a distance.
I know she's very young, so it's maybe not very fair to say these things, but I don't get the same feeling from the others that work there that are the same as her.
I don't know if any of that makes any sense at all.
Looks like you're making the best of a bad situation Focus, this is a long road so GAL is important.
You're getting the cues from folk in the real world that you're still an amazing woman and won't let his actions take away from that. Listen to those people and let that fuel you in this time of difficulty.
I'm proud of what you've accomplished and how you're carrying yourself, you should be too.
PP
Thank you so much!
Had a major GAL day yesterday (head down and back to work today though).
Out for coffee in the afternoon with a new pal. Had a good chat about my situation. And I feel he gave me good advice as well. So yeah, I think I can count on him as a pal.
Home to get dressed up for the evening. Discovered the central heating wasn't working *sigh* But I think I know what's wrong, and it's fairly simple to fix.
So, got dressed up and went out with one of the teams I work with. Had a really great night with them all. They're a lovely bunch of people, and we're well looked after by our immediate manager.
Randomly, there was a networking evening for people in our industry in the same place last night as well, so loads of people I've known for a long time were also there (along with some newer colleagues).
So, as I was chatting to some of them the question about how my H was doing and what he was up to came up a few times. I said we'd separated (thank you pho!), but added that he had wanted to go and do his own thing. I thought that would be letting people know it wasn't my decision, but it was neutral enough, not gossipy and not judgemental. I hope that would have come across that way.
My manner wasn't bitter or angry or sad when I mentioned it, and I didn't talk about it for long (except for 5 minutes or so with someone I've not long been working for. He overheard a snippet of chat about it all between me and someone that has known my H and I for a long time. So I took the chance to explain to him what had happened and why I might have been a bit scatterbrained at my job of late. I was careful with how I put it all across, and he said I was one of the most positive and inspiring people he'd met).
Everyone I spoke to that knows us both said my H was insane to have left. People said I looked fab (I *was* dressed up to the nines though, with sequins aplenty), and my new colleagues have the impression that I know tons of people and am really popular.
I had a good time, but hope I did OK.
Back to work now
Fantastic Focus! You handled it with aplomb and style! I know we'd be fast friends IRL...you said the magic word - sequins! LOL
I'm really struggling with what to tell all my old friends who were just here a few short months ago for our twins high school graduation. There was nothing wrong then. Of course, he'd not met the Ho yet, but still. How am I supposed to tell people that have known us for nearly 20 years that my formerly grounded and moral H, has turned into a lying, cheating, scumbag?
When people have been friends for a very long time, they tend to want more information. I've not handled it well at all. I just disconnected myself from most social media and rarely answer the phone. I know...crazy behavior.
I'm just so embarrassed for some reason. Probably because I feel like a failure who couldn't keep her man.
Got any advice for me, lovely one?
Fantastic Focus! You handled it with aplomb and style!
Thank you.
Really worry about saying too much. I'm still fiercely protective of my H's reputation in the industry. But I understand that I can't (and mustn't) do anything in that regard. It's part of letting go.
I also worry about saying something that makes people feel uncomfortable.
I know we'd be fast friends IRL...you said the magic word - sequins! LOL
I love anything that's shiny and sparkly
I'm really struggling with what to tell all my old friends who were just here a few short months ago for our twins high school graduation. There was nothing wrong then. Of course, he'd not met the Ho yet, but still. How am I supposed to tell people that have known us for nearly 20 years that my formerly grounded and moral H, has turned into a lying, cheating, scumbag?
When people have been friends for a very long time, they tend to want more information. I've not handled it well at all. I just disconnected myself from most social media and rarely answer the phone. I know...crazy behavior.
I'm just so embarrassed for some reason. Probably because I feel like a failure who couldn't keep her man.
Got any advice for me, lovely one?
I'll have a think this evening. I'll try and post tomorrow some time.
Take care, my friend x
So, I've been thinking a little.
This is the start of a whole thought process, so it's a couple of random snippets only. Hopefully you'll be able to add your own thoughts in too, and hopefully others can/will as well.
Apologies in advance if some of this is very step by step and totally obvious.
Disconnecting yourself from social media etc, can be a good thing. It gives you the time and space to get your own thoughts together. You're reclaiming that space for yourself. So I would see that as a positive, empowering move on your part.
As to what you tell other people...I'm struggling with this one too. I want to say something fairly neutral, that lets them know it was his decision, but that misses out all of the other stuff.
As much as I want people to know what he's done and how wronged I feel, I don't want to become just person who has been wronged in other people's eyes. So much of my identity was tied up with my H anyway, because of his job and how successful he was. I think it would be good for me for people to see me more as my own person now. I don't even know if that's a coherent thought and if it makes sense.
The down side of this is that it means I tend to keep other people who might be able to help me at arm's length.
I know that trusting people was an issue for me (even before my H and the OW, plural), so it can also merge into that.
So there's more stuff for me to think about and come to terms with in some way or another.
Maybe a good thing for me to do would be to pick a couple of people I feel a connection with, and confide *a little* more in them? That would push me forward out of my own comfort zone a bit, help me tackle some of my own issues and ultimately grow a bit more?
Will think a bit more about the embarrassment questions too.
I was always reserved with people before W left. She was always the sociable one whereas I tended to wait until I really felt comfortable opening up more. Since W left I've found telling some friends everything( I have nothing to hide ) has given me nothing but support and love. Sometimes I've been surprised by people's opinion in a positive way. Even though there is nothing they can do to help it helps to feel that there are people who value you and would like to support you if you let them. It can feel liberating to realize that you don't have to worry about others might be thinking.
Thank you Scrant. And we had the same dynamic as well: he was the extrovert, sociable one, and I am more introverted and guarded.
Letting a few more people in is definitely something I need to do more of. I've felt like I've been carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders over the past few years.
I was in two minds about posting this.
I've been quite tough on myself, trying to stop myself from thinking about my H, and trying not to second guess what he may be doing or thinking. I think that way lies madness.
I still don't think it's any help to me writing this or posting this.
Anyway. On Sunday night when I was out GAL, and I met someone who is working with him at the moment, she said she had found out that we had separated. I can't even quite remember if I even asked her how he is, but in the course of our quick conversation she told me he had been lecturing her about bad relationships (she's about half our age).
I got a picture of one of those old bitter, drunk guys you see, standing on his own at a bar, dispensing 'advice' to anyone coming up to the bar.
This morning I called an alcohol advice helpline to talk about my H's attitude towards alcohol in general, and the amount he's been consuming for the past 4 or 5 years.
I couldn't quite work out what was normal any more. He comes from quite a heavy-drinking family, and has always had the 'drink to excess' thing. Except over the past 4 or 5 years it's become much more intense, very self destructive and there's been a big element of 'stuff you, I'm doing it anyway' whenever I told him how much it was impacting on my life.
Then throw some drugs into the mix too.
He's been cracking a joke for the past few years, whenever we saw a down and out he would say 'that could be me if I stick in'. It always upset me.
The lady I spoke to on the phone said she felt I had had enough of dealing with his behaviour.
I do feel much better knowing I'm not going to be woken up at some point in the night, with him staggering home from God knows where, at God knows what time and in God knows what state.
He's done some very reckless things in the states he's gotten himself in to (leaving the front door unlocked, leaving the keys on the outside of the front door and leaving the front door wide open...just some of the things he's done over the past few years). Whenever I've brought any of my concerns up, he's always been really dismissive. That's been the thing that has been more upsetting than whatever it is that he's done.
Anyway, back to where my focus should be...
Hi focus22. It sounds like you are starting to get some clarity about your marriage. It's painful when we learn that the reality becomes clear in that how we saw a person was untrue. It is probably where the saying "love is blind" comes from. You will reach the conclusion that the behavior of your husband has nothing to do with you and is totally something that he has created in his mind. He must however travel this path and until it runs it's course he will be trapped in the fog. Your job is to make sure that you get out of the way of the train wreck. While you will be injured by the accident you will survive and you will be more wise and skillful going forward.
Thinking of you and wishing you a Merry Christmas. Keep up with GAL and keep us all informed of all of your fun activities!
Kinda surprised by this, but I got a text from my H on Christmas eve.
He said he wasn't trying to put the onus on me to start a conversation, but wanted to know how I was doing. He was asking what I was doing for Christmas, and told me he was going to his parent's house for some turkey and board games. He signed off with 'Have a good day x'/
It seemed quite friendly in tone...totally different from his last text (exactly one month before).
I haven't replied. I'm thinking of waiting until a bit after the new year. I don't know what to say though. Keep it short is my instinct.
Thank you, darling Ancaire.
Sending you positivity, love and best wishes for the festive season x
Hi focus22. It sounds like you are starting to get some clarity about your marriage. It's painful when we learn that the reality becomes clear in that how we saw a person was untrue. It is probably where the saying "love is blind" comes from. You will reach the conclusion that the behavior of your husband has nothing to do with you and is totally something that he has created in his mind. He must however travel this path and until it runs it's course he will be trapped in the fog. Your job is to make sure that you get out of the way of the train wreck. While you will be injured by the accident you will survive and you will be more wise and skillful going forward.
Thinking of you and wishing you a Merry Christmas. Keep up with GAL and keep us all informed of all of your fun activities!
Thank you shotgun.
I'm starting to be able to stand further and further back from everything (my whole life as well, not just my M) thanks to an absolutely amazing counsellor.
I understand now that I've been (and still am) very clearly attracted to a bit of the bad boy thing - that's my adrenaline rush *sigh*
I understand where it comes from as well now, thanks to my counsellor.
Ultimately it's about me, this kind of attraction, and not about the actual men I might like.
And that's for me to deal with, myself.
My homework for my counsellor is to make a storyboard filled with all the things I want in my life
for myself. I need to make time to do this, think very deeply about it and enjoy doing this. It's going to be a very important thing.
Hope you had a good Christmas and are enjoying the festive season x
Focus - I like your homework, and I'm going to borrow it for myself. I have no idea what I want in life, other than for it to stop, so I can not be in pain any longer.
I'm smart enough to realize that attitude is going to wind up causing me a great deal of harm. I don't really know what I want to do in life. I've just been existing for so many years. To actually live it? It's a frightening prospect.
However, I think if I take the time to dream a little, I might be able to come up with a plan for where to go, and what to do next. Thanks for sharing your counselors advice. That was pure gold to me!
Kinda surprised by this, but I got a text from my H on Christmas eve.
He said he wasn't trying to put the onus on me to start a conversation, but wanted to know how I was doing. He was asking what I was doing for Christmas, and told me he was going to his parent's house for some turkey and board games. He signed off with 'Have a good day x'.
It seemed quite friendly in tone...totally different from his last text (exactly one month before).
I haven't replied. I'm thinking of waiting until a bit after the new year. I don't know what to say though. Keep it short is my instinct.
Does anyone have any ideas as to how I could answer this?
Should I go with just 'I'm doing great, thanks'? And leave it at that?
I feel so lost and confused.
Hi Focus, I think it's fine to respond now - ie: a few days later. I would go for something along these lines:
Hi H - thanks for the Xmas wishes. Yes, I had a great time - hope you enjoyed yours & have a happy new year
Interesting that he was reaching out at Xmas. My H did that last new year and I was surprised. I would just keep the response minimal and pleasant as above and keep moving forward. If he wants to be in touch again, he will be...
Take care xx
Focus - It really depends on what you want to do. Do you want to talk with him? Find out how he's doing?
Text him back. If you're end goal is the R the M, then it won't hurt anything to contact him back and keep it short, friendly, with no R talk. That's a good way to re-establish pleasant dialogue.
If you want him to have to try harder, respond with the text that you proposed. It lets him know you got his text, and you answered him. The rest is up to him.
The biggest thing in DB is to NOT pursue. Either of those options will be fine. If you're happy with the R ending, then just don't respond at all.
Does that help a little?
Thank you so much Sotto and Ancaire. You've helped me understand.
I think I want him to try *a lot* harder.
Focus - I like your homework, and I'm going to borrow it for myself. I have no idea what I want in life, other than for it to stop, so I can not be in pain any longer.
I'm smart enough to realize that attitude is going to wind up causing me a great deal of harm. I don't really know what I want to do in life. I've just been existing for so many years. To actually live it? It's a frightening prospect.
However, I think if I take the time to dream a little, I might be able to come up with a plan for where to go, and what to do next. Thanks for sharing your counselors advice. That was pure gold to me!
You're very welcome.
I think I'm going to make mine mostly visual (pictures from magazines) and maybe a couple of quite spiritual quotations as well.
I feel the same way as you, for too long I've just been existing (mainly looking after my H and his career).
I find it easy to do the 'no limits daydreaming' when I'm working on a project at for my business. But for my own self? I have no idea...it feels a bit blank at the moment.
I guess that's not a bad thing though? You don't have to rush to fill the blankness with anything. Just take a bit of time to have a look around, see what's out there that you like, and maybe add a bit of that into your life?