So almost 12 months to the last time he did this. I think I'm on route to bring back here.
Dh has been miserable about maybe the past month.. He's working real hard to try and get a promotion and his employer is making him jump through hoops... He's working 50 hour weeks and bringing work home.
He's said the past few weeks that I shouldn't take these silences personally, and that he's just tired out.. After reading mwd book about better communication with your dh I thought I'd leave him to it and sort of lovingly unattach myself..
So last night I manage to get it out of him that he isn't happy.. He doesn't know wether this is just him feeling stressed from work and some health issues, or wether he really is just happy. I must admit, we were out so I went to fight or flight, and got up to leave.. He looked genuinely panicked and told me to sit down, he then tried to hold my hand.. I didn't really react to him.. I said what more did he honestly want from me. He doesn't know. I said that I would just get up and go find some place to leave. He said I was overreacting to his omission of being unhappy to me needing to leave and get a divorce. I said how only the other week he said he was petrified of me leaving and doesn't ever want me to leave him and how his life is lovely and empty without me. And he said well I don't want you to go anywhere, your the mother of my child and I will always love you for what you've done for me.
I said what are we supposed to do, he said this is his issue- not mine..
So what do I do?? Do I sit here and wait for it to unfold like last time?!
I'm so so sick of this, I want my marriage to work, but I also deserve someone who loves me. I know I have something to give someone. But I want someone who appreciates me and loves me.. Not treat me like this.
I don't know what to do. I feel at rock bottom once a f***king- gain.. And I'm tired, I'm so so tired
Hi Cherry, I'm sorry to hear that. Did you guys ever go to MC when you were trying to piece after his A? If you didn't - might that be an option now to try and get things back on track?
I can understand your fear and your tiredness, but also it does seem as though you both have come a long way. And it still sounds as though he doesn't want to lose you - but doesn't know how to make himself happy within the M (or in life in general perhaps?)
Main thing I would say is keep calm - try not to let your fears go off the deep end and see if you can work through this. Remember what people say - piecing is tough...
Keep posting my friend and I'm sure others will be along to help xx
Hi Cherry, good to hear from you and sorry to hear things aren't going well. I agree with everyone else in this thread and youe other about MC. He's here and wants the M to work but you both seem to be trying to wing it back on your own without any help. It seems he is still working through his own issues of who he is and whay makes him happy, these are things he has to figure out on his own. You would think after his A he would have realized but it doesn't seem he's done learning about himself. IC would be good for him also but that's something he has to figure out and want for himself. The both of you do need help working through this to make it work.
He for sure needs to figure out what makes him happy, his issues are with himself. I just don't know what to do, do I still continue to be a wife to him- give him love? Or do I try db techniques?
Hi Cherry...
I'm so sorry you've got this to go through again. Perfect around the holidays, no less. What a stressor!
I'm kind of in a place where I need to take stock of myself. And I'm wondering if you are as well. Doing Nothing related to the relationship, Michele says, is really doing something.
So maybe just focus on your own happiness, and goals and loving yourself right now. How do you feel about that?
I thought I had really been concentrating with my gal and making myself happy but maybe not quite enough. I think you're right though, it is the only way I think, I need to keep my sanity. And I have a 1 year old to try and be strong for.
I think he realises that he would be a fool to loose me, he sings my praises of how good a woman, wife mother etc. And how he loves me for that, but at the same time says he's just not happy. When I probe a little I get it out of him that he doesn't know if he isn't happy with the marriage- or is he just not happy with life at the moment. He has a lot in his past he has never dealt with and carries a lot of anger around from that. But at the same time he seems so reluctant to going to therapy.
Uugh, soo very sorry you are back cherry. I was so hoping that your husband would do some growing up by now.
your husband is not happy. OK. You know that is not your responsibility...he needs some space for him to figure his $hit out and yes, He will have to evemtually figure out that it is HIS issue.
It doent sound like you are entirly excited about things either right now. Are you happy? What are you doing to treat cherry like she deserves.
What are you doing for you gal...id like you to lost that out to see if therr are things you can improve on, add. I know you have a little one at home, but you still need to focus some of that effort on you!
Since he came home, what have you two spoken about. It sounded like he was hesitant on speakin about the affair, but did you guys ar least try to get to the bottom of why it happened in the first place?
I know that you were hurt, at some point though there will need to be some understanding AND disclosure of what and why this affair took place for YOU and him to be able to work on things. If these difficult steps are not able to be taken by either one of you, it reduces your chances drastically to get past this. It will also help figure out a path to working on strengthening your marriage and you both getting a firm grasp of needs and desires and how these can be achieved by both of you.
It sounds like you still have some work cut out for you, not so much on the detachment front...that sounds better than i ever got a sense of, from you. But actual understanding if what is going on in his head, if that is possible. I hate to say it, but some form of mc is really on order, whether he likes it or not.
I am still rooting for you cherry!
I just don't know wether that will happen. I said to him, I don't know what I'm supposed to do, how I'm supposed to be. I said about not saying the I love you's, or not kissing and he goes "but that's just normal for us, that's natural". Then when he asked if i was planning on being quiet all weekend, I said well I don't know how to be and he says "I thought we has acknowledged this is my problem".
I don't wether he genuinely means that, or it was said in spite.
So the weekend has been quiet, spent Saturday out with little one- me and h watched a movie later. He was alright, a touch chatty.
Yesterday I did housework and entertained little one whilst he focused on his work. He was far quieter. He seems to think that money is the most important thing right now.
I'm going to re read dr, but I'm just not sure how to handle him. He's already being very similar to he was before. I can't stand the thought of going through all this again.
We established last time it was drifting that was the issue, he felt pushed out. Now I make plenty of time for him but we are finding ourself here, I can't help but feel when he gets stressed out that he just pushes me away, everything away. He often says he is no good for anyone. I think maybe he feels I ask too much of him- like when I grill him and pass comments about him not being affectionate. I feel it's not too much to ask. He says he is affectionate by doing things for me. And I get that.
Me, I'm tired, and I'm scared.
Hi Cherry, I can understand how you feel - it's so tough I know....not that I've been where you are, but I can imagine.
I think you guys haven't fully dealt with things after the A. It was good that your H ended things and you had some talks I know. However, he and you may have underestimated the healing that needs to take place - for all of you.
Have the two of you discussed MC? If he is willing, could you consider that? Also, you may find the Shirley Glass book helpful to read together. I think the important thing here is that your partner needs to be willing to work with you for 'as long as it takes' to heal from this and I think your H has maybe struggled with this.
From your perspective, I also noticed the 'grilling him' and complaining about his lack of affection - MWD has good advice about this in DR if you look it up - all around saying what you need - not complaining about what you don't get....you can change the dynamic there.
The main thing is to take some time and steady yourself. When you are tired and scared isn't a good time for making big decisions....keep posting and others will help I'm sure.
Take care Sweetie x
I think he is struggling, I think he is struggling in a way with dealing what he has done himself. He's just crawling up into himself and not saying anything.
Yeah it was a bad habit I realised I had slipped into, so from my point- I know a few things to be working on. I explained to him that I realised what I was doing was probably causing him further upset. He agreed and said it was. Maybe things are just getting heavy right now.
I'm trying to be brave, power through. Not get fearful. Just hard to dig someone out of a hole when they push you away and start to give you the scripts..
He gets home.. Says few things, eats with us and goes to bed. Barely talks- responds in monotone, no emotions- no looking in the eye.
I say night, love you, try to give him a kiss- he barely moves near me. No hug, no nothing. I feel he is quickly slipping away and going back to what he was like. Although he still leaves his phone lying around, and he lets me know where he is and where he is going.
I get in bed and I'm quietly sobbing. Because it's getting back the way it was. Yes I can look at the positives that he is still in the bed.
But on the flipside. This man, the one who once told me he couldn't believe his luck to have me, and how I was the perfect girl is now freezing me out and pushing me away, 12 months after it started the last time.
Sometimes I honestly feel like giving up, or running. My heart feels broken.
Apologies, I'm just journaling .
Sorry to see you are here. Could it be that he is just depressed? Has he seen a doctor?
Previously at the start of the year he did, and he lied through his teeth.. When I mentioned it to him the other day. He states he's been before and they said he was fine.
He is in total denial. I just don't get how it's like exactly a year on, and it starts again.
Journaling.
I'm just so confused. Last night was another night of silence. Just a good night, and a half attempted kiss.
Maybe he's stressed, maybe he's jealous of my relationship with his mum. Or our child. I don't know, I know I shouldn't assume.
I don't know how to be, I don't know how to act, I have pulled back a little, but he may well view this as me not caring.
Today I feel angry, in a way work helps- I throw myself in, and try not to think of anything other than I have a child I need to provide for.
I feel maybe I should shock him and go, but that could backfire. And what if he is depressed, that would show him that I'm not willing to be there for him.
It is so hard when you realise the only person you can rely on in life yourself. And I'm a believer, so obviously God too. I keep reading over:
God give me the serenity to accept those things I can't change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference
Cherry, sorry this is so rough. With depression sometimes they just have to fix themselves.
My plan for a long time to deal with my W's depression(among the WAW and WW aspects also) was to lead by example and fix me. Fix all of my issues (even worked through depression) so she sees it can be done. They can either fix themselves and be happy (like they seen us do) or continue to be miserable.
Don't focus so much on him or bring dark, find what will make Cherry happy and do it.
Thanks fogg, does it sound to you like depression too?
That's true, I'm continuing to improve me. Working on a promotion at work. And for my gal activity learning to drive- taking a new exercise class. I'm also improving my diet, truly taking care of me.
Truth be told, all it takes is a song to take me back to when I was the most precious thing to him and I'm cut.
Cherry, from what you said it sounds like it to me. Listen to Fogg - wise advice he gives. My W is also battling with depression/anxiety/suicidal thoughts/etc. Good times around my place. I am doing as Fogg stated and honestly, I don't know what effect it is having on the W. She seems even more confused than ever. Keep your chin up and ride it out! You can do this!
Takes even less than a song for me. But those times aren't quite as often now. One step at a time. Thats all we can do.
It could be depression. It could be many things, guilt over having an A, not knowing where or what happiness is, unresolved issues from his childhood. All are things he has to figure out himself. One point to make is that whatever it is, it really has much more to do with him than you so don't take it personal.
Believe me I understand how hard that is with what's happened with our S's but this really is about them. The best we can do is be that lighthouse shining the way and showing them how it's done.
Thank you both so much, I needed this today. I think it's hard because I thought I'd dealt with this and these days are over.
Your right, one day at a time, one step at a time. That what you say about guilt of the affair rings true, he said about maybe he would be better moving away from everyone and the hurt
Maybe it's time for you to back off and stop initiating loving gestures? Go back to What you were doing when he came back. Maybe it's time to be a little mysterious. Get dressed up and go out. Make arrangements in advance for him to watch the baby so you can go out with the girls. It will get his attention and more importantly be good for you
Hey TO324, good to hear from you. Miss you posting. Hope all is well.
Sorry for hijack, Cherry.
Hi Sandi!!!
I've been lurking around occasionally but grad school and life has kept me busy. Things are good over here. I hope things are well with you! Happy Thanksgiving
Yeah true, that sounds like a good idea.. I just worry my actions are gonna posh him further
Cherry, don't let fear hold you back....change it up a little and see what works.
TO, nice to see you posting...Cherry, you might find it useful to read TO's thread too.
xx
Yeah I think I will have a look..
I just can't understand why we are travelling down the same path again.. Still I shall take wise advise and switch it up a gear. Taking even more control of my life..
Today, I feel I am a woman he would be an absolute IDIOT to loose!! And I hope I portray this
H and I went through a stage shortly after we decided to work on our M. We hadn't invested time in counseling and we're both falling back in old habits. I also hadn't forgiven him (I thought I had). MC helped me see how my actions came across to him even though at the time I didn't see myself as doing anything wrong.
I remember train telling me to get dressed up and go out. I did exactly that. Gave H a heads up for the kids went and got my hair done then left to go out. He ended up meeting me out.
Don't let fear drive your decisions. No one thing is going to make or break anything. I had a hard time letting go of how I calculated H perceiving my every move. By no means do I mean be rude ... DB 101. Calm cool collected friendly, the person only a fool would leave. Someone that's approachable and fun. But also someone that has a lot going for them and isn't desperate.
I know that's a lot of things. The drinks have been flowing here since AM so please excuse my rambling
T0324 thank you for that! It honestly really helps..
I think your right, I know although I love him- I am hurt. And I know he feels the guilt immensely.
Right now, I don't think he will go to MC. Last night we had a kiss, he kissed back. We had sex. Then he was silent.
Trying not to overthink
Spent a day out with baby. Feeling anxiety still when out, it's hard not to. I need to get to that level of seeing there's a light at the end of the tunnel either way.
So last night, we go out, h initiated this, when I asked him if he was sure he was like "but we always go out" as if he couldn't understand why a date wouldn't be on the cards.
I got dressed up, smart casual- put my louboutins on! Tried to keep upbeat and cheery. I thought the best way to approach things was to avoid all r talk. He wasn't overly cheery, but talked through how work is really stressful and told me about more pressure being put on him.
When he was talking about work what did you say back to him? Looks like a good time to validate how stressed out he feels.
Keep taking care of Cherry and working on her happiness. How's the baby doing btw?
Also, there's always light at the end of the tunnel. I know that anxiety is hard to deal with but try not to dwell in it, keep busy.
I asked questions, but to be honest I forgot to validate. I did a bit but I think I also got into telling him he shouldn't let it get him that stressed and that he should leave work at work.. Hmmm maybe that was a bad move!!
Baby is doing good, only thing is he seems to be picking up on the goings on- he is so unbelievably clingy to me, and when h comes near him he just says mama and comes back to me.
I really need to try and re read all of dr and db. I just feel I have so much to juggle and I don't seem to have a minute to me..
Working on making me happy, I really need to dig deeper into my soul and work it out
Cherry, i had a big post for you but lost.it. i will try to recreate this week.
For now though...could you please list for us what you are actively doing for You...Gal, self love, making time for relaxation. Lets dig in here to see if you can find some more room for you. A 1.5 year old and 25 year old toddler makes this hard, we know...but you really do need to get some more slef love for you.
We can work on goals and 180s in the upcommung weeks, but lets start with Cherry!!!
To be honest, there's a lot I could do..
I try to meet up with my girls and go out, but that doesn't happen to often.
I take baby out, I'm learning to drive and I'm starting a new exercise class.
Other than that I am busy trying to care for family, and be a carer for my sick mil. As well as working 30 hours a week.
Some times I want to run
Man these early days are tough.
H has gone out, no kiss goodbye- no loves you. On the advise I was given the other day, I would have said this- today I haven't. I've had no conversation neither. I've gone about my business and looked after baby.
In a way I feel numb, and in a way- I want to ball my eyes out.
Last night, I was tempted to throw it in. He gets in touch while out and suggests maybe when he gets back if I'm awake still we can catch a movie.
I took this angrily. I don't think I directly let him see this. And I probably shouldn't have took it angrily. It just made me feel like I was second best.
Anger really got to me, so much so I thought I don't deserve this. I kept my cool- I got baby to sleep and got myself calm.
Hi Cherry,
Sorry to hear abput what you're going through.
The vets here are wise.
And what they say about making decisions in anger/fear is true - don't make them. I am a poster girl for making decisions in anger - regretted every single one of them.
On the spur of the moment, things may seem bad. But after the heat of the moment, they usually do seem better. Even if they don't, at least you will be in a better position to deal with them.
Why would you get angry that he would try to make time with you to see a movie? Is it really just because you feel second best that he was out already?
You shouldn't be taking anything hes doing personal. I understand how hard that is, but its the truth and accepting it will help greatly in dealing with things. Hes depressed because of his own issues, not you. Hes going out, not kissing you bye, being silent, etc, because of him, not Cherry. Even if he came home and was giving you the silent treatment or yelling and pissed at you and said the reason hes unhappy is that hes married to you, it wouldn't be true. It would be about him.
Anger is a secondary emotion and usually deals with pain or fear inside us but comes out as anger. You have said before you're scared about going through this again and I can completely understand that but anger wont be your friend if you let if control you. I'm sure you still have a great deal of pain from his A also and since hes not doing the work to fix it (since hes still dealing with himself) its going to continue being a source of pain for you for some time.
Ill be honest also, I don't think you throwing in the towel and moving on will solve that pain or let go of that fear. I understand you want this to end, that's a very common feeling for many of us and I feel it also, but we don't get the option for this to fix itself on our timeline. We do have the option to end it and move on. The pain wont stop right then, it will still go on for some time also.
Cherry, you're an amazing woman and a strong mother/wife who has been through a great deal of pain this year. I'm sorry you're still going through this.
So, to help for now lets try and recognize everything he does is not because of you but because of him and try not to take what hes doing personally. To get our minds off that pain we can do at least two things. The first is to experience it when it comes up and not push it away or avoid it. The feelings will come out one way or another, we just need to try and not dwell in them or let them consume/control us. The next is to fill our days with GAL and things we enjoy so that we can replace the negative thoughts in our minds with positive ones. We cant remove the thoughts about our sitch from our mind but we can replace them through GAL.
Thanks both for the wise words- fogg you are so right. This is still all him and I honestly do need to accept that. I wish he would realise this.
Hindsight says I was wrong to feel so angry, and I think the reason was I felt like I was second best. I should be great full for the gesture of actually spending time with me.
Today we have silence, joy. I have plenty to do so going to throw on some music and sing my heart out
A day of quiet, had some texts through the day at work- so I should see the positive in that.. But silences when home.
Keep thinking of foggs wise words- this is about him, not me.
I'm focusing one me and my baby. And he wants to join us sometime. Cool.
Hmm another silent night, no conversation.. An odd grunt..
I guess I haven't had as many dirty looks so there is a positive. I think I need some goals, I need something to jump start him a little!!
It's hard when life is so busy, I work a 11 hour day and juggle a family.. Thinking about starting a new exercise class, I think it would help me.
Trying to be more social, I was always the life and soul of every place- everyone knew and loved me.. The past few years I've just focused on head down and trying not to get noticed.. A lot of women have bullied me in the past or just been rude to me because of the way I look.. I'm told it's jealousy , but I don't see this beauty others do.
This is why one of my goals is to look in the mirror and see the pretty girl that everyone else seems to. I figure if I can't love me, who can. And I can't be right for someone else if I'm not right for me.
I am going to hold my head up high. And I SHALL be confident
Hi Cherry,
When I read about the part about dirty looks, I had to smile. I have a PHD in dirty looks.
These few months, I have been trying v hard to do something about it. I find it very hard to look friendly or smile at the X, so I resorted to all sorts of methods and tricks. I would look at my kid and smile and then turn to the X. Or I would psyche myself up by reading happy stories and jokes before meeting the X. But what worked the best was when I was genuinely happy or excited by what had happened in my life. Because the X would really relax and we could actually interact with each other like 2 decent human beings.
That's sort of thing what happened the first time around, then we ended up being back together- because when we got down to it- we are literally best friends.
I'm taking the focus of him, and that's hard. But I'm putting it on me- I'm focusing on my work and my child.
He is in some dark place and I don't know how to help
Oh hello anger..
P*ssed off because he hasn't let me know he's out this evening.
I get home from work, collect baby, feed him.
I know I shouldn't have expectations, but what if I was to do the same?! Just leave my child. I feel tired of being the responsible, undervalued one
Wow.
Some days, I genuinely feel I'm starting to hate him..
All I see is an empty soul of a narcissist who manages to make me feel like the most worthless creature to exist.
He gets in. No hello. Just how he will sort his own food, and that I should go to bed. It's like somehow he is in the wrong but he wants ME to feel bad that my psychic powers didn't pick up the fact he would be pulling up onto the driveway and to have food ready.
Man oh man- I feel like packing a bag, I almost want him to feel the hard burning stabbing feeling that the one person who vowed to always be with you, the one only a matter of weeks ago they were saying don't ever leave me- I can't live without you; is now saying they're unhappy and that they pretty much want out..
Thing is. If I go- then it's exactly that- I went, I would have left him. And I will be the one walking away with the child. And he makes me look and feel like the bad guy. He takes no blame.
I haven't the slightest clue what to do anymore. I'm lost in emotions. And I'm so f-ing tired!!!!
I know it's hard Cherry, nevertheless you sound like a strong woman. Have you got any family or friends around to help you. I'm not there yet but I do believe that at the moment you should focus on you as you can't change your husband and for your child you need to be strong.
I just feel like I'm ready to give up..
It hurts and I can't take the pain, the roller coaster!!
I am far too embarrassed to tell friends of family what's going on. My MIL knows, and she helps where she can.
I just feel like I'm ready to give up..
It hurts and I can't take the pain, the roller coaster!!
Cherry,
I want to express the sadness that i feel when i read your words of pain, despair, and sorrow. It hurts to see it again.
In all Honestly, there is only way you are going to get off of this roller coaster ride, and that is to stop riding it.
I get the loneliness when they leave, i get being upset when they come home and dont show you what you mean to them...let alone give the time of day. Your husband is not whole right now. He has his problems. You may already know what they are, you might not. His issues are.just that. HIS. We want to help pull them though this and have them look into our eyes and hold us close.
Right now that is just not possible. Your husband is just not ready for that. The pressure of your love is too much for him, for whatever reason. Whatever he us going through, he NEEDS to face and work it through. We can certainly be receptive to our spouses and do what we can for them to understand that we love them despite all the warts and whatever, but they must do this for themselges.
While they are busy mulling over thier reality of the universe, we need to look at ourselves and start to figure out what it is that we need in all of this. No more 1/2 measures...i am talking full on love affair with yourself.
What does this going to look like for a while. Picture cherry having a good time, what does that entail, what are you doing, are you by yourself, or with a group. Activities??? hobbies??? Clubs /organizations??? Getting out to a coffee shop to watch people or meet a girlfriend for tea, who cares what it is...need to find something.
Right now you really need to start looking at cherry, and finding that strong independant woman that we saw last spring...it seams you put her away when husband came back home. I understand how easy it us to fall back into habits, so lets create new habits. Let's figure out what cherry can start doing to find that beautiful, vibrant woman who is able to get along on her own.
Lets shrug some of that sorrow for now and really try to make a list of things you are doing for yourself, build on that. even if it's brainstorming and its crazy things that you never ever do, write it down anyway maybe something to pique your interest, maybe something will spark some excitement, maybe you'll remember something you've always wanted to do and just didn't do it. now is the time to really ramp this up, now is the time to take a step forward and start moving.
You wrote that you're working extended days and it's hard to find time for yourself. I know with a little one it's even harder. It bites that your feeling down, it is hard, it is painful. Nothing he does right now will help. Status quo is not going to do it either...it wont get better until YOU start to MAKE it better for you.
Hold you chin up, tighten those bootstraps, and lets start moving, ok.
Start tomorow, start small, stop off at a shop and treat youraelf to something...you are worth it. It is about time you really start to show you that. Then when you get home...stsrt on that list.
Next week, goals
Zephyr, I can't express to you how much it means that you have took the time and the kindness to help me!
You've really encouraged me and made me motivated again to find the happy me. So today, I've made plans to meet a girlfriend at the weekend. I've also reached out to friends I haven't spoken to for years- this feels good.
I really want to start an exercise class, there's some I've always wanted to do but never done. I'm going to look into this and do it.
You're right, I think I did put her away. I'm finding the sassy me again. I was always outgoing and cheeky sweet- I have that young innocent look!!
So I'm trying to build my confidence and get that back, I'm dressing good. Fashion is a big passion so I'm back to going all out.
Zephyr, I bought me a new faux fur scarf and some new sassy shoes..
And I'm going to start a swim class or an exercise group on a weekend
Great start.
I know it may come off as silly, but is a good fist step. The hard work is yet to come.
Actually writing out a complete list is a great way to take the next step. If you dont want to post it here, that is understandable but it really should be done to get a better start on 'what do i want to do?'
Keep it up!!!
What I want to do in relation to just myself right? Like separate to my relationship
Yes, for now just whst you would like to do for cherry to start living your life and getting a hold of your self and happiness.
We can work on goals next week, self improvement and relationship goals.
First thing first is learning to live with a new mindset, one where we no longer NEED our spouse to be responsible for all of our needs towards happiness.
Ugh that's a tricky one.. Some days I can think that- but it still hurts like absolute hell.
It's hard when he is just so up and down, like some days anger and then other days he might talk to me in a friendly way and actually volunteer stories of his day without me asking. It's like they give you a glint of hope to keep you interested!
Ugh that's a tricky one.. Some days I can think that- but it still hurts like absolute hell.
It is going to hurt for some time. How do we manage that? Do we wit around and wallow, or get depressed and withdraw from yhe rest of our life - OR - do we grab that life by the scruff of the neck, and say i am not going to let this define who i want to be. I want to live and be happy no matter what is swirling around me, no mater what this $hit is not going to destroy me.
It's hard when he is just so up and down, like some days anger and then other days he might talk to me in a friendly way and actually volunteer stories of his day without me asking. It's like they give you a glint of hope to keep you interested!
Yes, for sure this is hard. That is not a good reason to not keep moving. It is not a good excuse for us to stop living our lives.
I think you are at a crossroad here
..not one where you have to decide hat you want to do with your marriage, (i think it is way to early for that) rather how this is going to define you.
Is cherry going to embrace this challenge and start truely living her life or is she going to allow all of this pain to bring her down and dim her light.
Are you going to choose towards being a happy, self-loving person despite this bullshit with your husband or are you going to let despair rule u and drag you down into the pit?
Btw, keep venting here - please dont interpret my ramblings that way...no problems with that...this IS the place for venting.
Thanks zephyr..
Had an ok day- lots to do though- non of which for me.. Had a mental toddler all day keeping me on my toes. Me and h were supposed to go out. He gets in touch to say he will be late home tonight. I message back to say is there any time frame? And are we still going out.
I get no response. Yes I know, I'm having to many expectations. But I am just angry, real angry.
Zephyr it makes sense, and I can see me getting there- just. Feel overwhelmed with emotions right now.
I think the fact I'm having trouble is showing, I've had a few male friends trying to play shoulder to cry on.. And in a way, I see how easy it is for a hurt spouse to fall into an affair trap.. I dunno what to do here.. I haven't disclosed anything, but sometimes I feel it's obvious.. Maybe the safest thing is to distance
Oh hey insomnia.. How nice of you to show up again!
So some nights it's real difficult to get to sleep unless I knock out. Went out with h, I was in high spirits (partly faked, but also partly to I got some nice clothes out, did hair and make up, and I looked good- or at least I felt it) .. I noticed many a lingering look from h, as well as other men.
But my goal is make me happy, and a big goal is to get my confidence back, stop looking at the ground. And I'm getting good, I find myself looking people in the eye more, and smiling. And it makes me happy.
I have a busy day planned in tomorrow, meeting a few girlfriends.
So h is still rather quiet, but also- even though he's being a douche, I see him doing a few showy off kinda tricks like he used to when he was trying to get me interested when we first met.
It does concern me that "friends" offering sympathy and the "I know something's wrong, when you want to talk I'm always there for you". And by friends I mean close male friends. I haven't said anything, I didn't think I hinted it. It does worry me that if I'm feeling vulnerable I will talk, and I know that's how A's begin.
Trying to put my child at the forefront of my mind. And protect, protect against all this going on. I can't crack to depression, or self pity- that isn't the woman I invisioned me to be as a child. And I need to stand up, brush off my shoulders and do what I gotta do.
Its good you can recognize how A's start instead of trying to justify talking to the male friends. I would be very careful with the male friends and avoid crying on their shoulder or sharing too much. When our emotional needs aren't being met by our S and someone else begins to fill them it can be an incredible rush.
Some article I was reading compared it to how good a day old hamburger would taste to a starving man.
Hi Cherry, yes I would stay away from those guys who will offer a lovely young (and married) woman a shoulder to cry on. Best to cry on female shoulders and build female friendships as this stage...
That was a good post above and I like the part where you said you are not the woman you envisioned you would be as a child. So who is 'she' (the woman you envisioned?) What does she like doing? Who with? How does she feel?
I can already see you taking steps to reclaim sassiness. That's good progress amidst your disappointment of what has recently happened in your M. Sassy and confident is so much more attractive than clingy and sad - to you and to your H!
Stay on your path my friend - you are doing well xx
Thanks guys, I thought so. I guess it's just nice to hear people be positive of me for once. But, again, I understand this is exactly how people fall into the A trap. And what I really want is my h to be saying these things.
I always pictured me as a strong woman, a woman who has a career and a family- doesn't really need a man, but is with him because she wants to be. This is a sense where I am. Though somehow along the way, I seem to have made my h responsible for all my happiness. Yeah push comes to shove, I probably could pull myself up out of the wreckage. But it would hurt, more than anything.
He's just so distant. It's like having someone so near yet so far.
For what it's worth I don't view 'not needing a man' as a virtue or sign of strength. Maybe but not exactly.
On the one hand I think it is incredibly important to be able to be appreciative and happy with whatever life you get. If you are with an H that walks away, or if you become widowed, etc, then I think it is good to not 'need a man' because you would need to step up for your family and God would want you to appreciate the life you have.
Bottom line, anyone who could casually shrug off a WAS would seem as sociopathic to me as someone whos child was lost that said "that's ok, I'm strong, I don't need a child".
On the other hand for many folks when the lack of need turns into not being willing to accept less than they feel they are entitled to they use this 'strength' to become WAS's, perpetuating destruction all over the place because of their selfishness.
It's not really that I'm shrugging it off and saying well I don't need him.
Essentially, right now doing everything myself, so it's not that I NEED him.. However I WANT him, because I love him and I can't imagine my life without him.
But there is a huge difference, feeling I need him would be needing him for everything, unable to do anything without him. I do want him, of course, if I was even capable of just shrugging him off I would have done it the first time.
So he's given his mom the "I just don't love her" speech.
My god this hurts, it is last year all over. I really wanna go. I want to pack up my things with the rest of my dignity and I want to go. How dare he do this to be again.
I hate him. I truly hate him
Sorry Cherry, I can see how rough it must be to be repeating the same pain over again. Your anger is justified but please don't let it control you. You know not to believe anything they say and its not about you, but I also realize this about repeating the same hell you already went through. Take some time today to enjoy yourself and get your mind off things for a bit. Hope others can offer you some better guidance. Good luck.
Thanks fogg, I need to hear this. I feel like running, or going seeing one of my girls, but I don't wanna leave my baby. Right now my baby is my life. All I have.
I'm honestly trying not to let it rule me. But it's difficult
So sorry to hear about your pain. I can still remember how I felt when I heard the variation of 'IDLY', when the X told me that he loved the TP/OW.
Is there any way you can get a sitter for your baby? Without endangering you or baby, you should do whatever it takes to take the edge off the pain. Run? Hot baths?
Or you could just vent away here.
Hi Sweet Cherry, I'm so sorry to hear this and sorry for how hurt you feel. The pain is horrible I know, particularly second time around when you hoped things were getting back on track - ugh..
So he spoke to his Mum in this way, but not directly to you, but she told you?? I can understand you wanting to leave. I left at BD as you may know. I fled to my parents (initially for the weekend) but ended up never returning to our marital home. I haven't regretted that decision overall, and it did me a lot of good emotionally - but there were downsides too, so I would have a careful think about what you want to do. If he is feeling that way, and you want to stay, you could ask him to leave of course.
Do you think it may be possible there is an OP, or even the original OW, back in the mix again somewhere? Reading about his recent behaviour, I do wonder whether that might be the case?
For now, I think the main thing is to work on steadying yourself, absorbing this new development and start moving forward. What I would say is this needn't be the end of things if that isn't what you want. Your sitch is by no means concluded. What he is saying is purely based on how he is feeling right now. But you guys are married and have a child together, there are plenty of strong ties there. The ultimate outcome of your sitch isn't decided until you have decided what you want to do.
But for now, his heart is turned away from the marriage and that is the reality you'll need to work with at present - horrible I know - but this may change in time...
Take care Sweetie, and keep posting xx
Cherry
Sweetheart, this is very hard for you.
Remember 100% of that which they say, and it hasn't been said to you directly. Be prepared and don't leave your home, let reality bite for him if you can.
Go get some L advice for you to protect you and your family.
Hugs
V
Thank you guys.
I would suspect an a but he's around all the time and he leaves his phone lying around still.
His behaviour isn't quite the same as the last time. And he's still sleeping in the room..
I distanced myself for a while today. And he came to check up on me and asked me what I was doing. Then he made me something to eat, as he was concerned I hadn't ate.
Then the rest of the day, I had little conversation with him again.
I'm lost as to what his plan is. He can't be thinking one minute he doesn't think he loves me anymore and then the next be checking on me or making me food.
Actually spoke to a friend, who told me to breathe not make any decisions as I'm not gonna be thinking logically. It felt good to actually talk to a person who knows me. I've not really confided in anyone as I'm embarrassed and ashamed- stupid I know
Hi Cherry,
Don't make any decisions yet until you get a clearer pic?
Breathing is good. During the early months I didnt realise it but I was literally holding in my breath for a lot of times.
Don't think of what is happening now and maybe just take a mental break to clear your mind? Maybe you'll be able to come up with a better perspective. Or maybe by then there will be new events.
Yeah I'm trying not too. I get an overwhelming amount of emotion and this time round I think I'm better skilled at dealing with it. The first time round may have been a begging and pleading that fell flat on its face.
You sound like you're doing better already!
I'm struggling a bit.. But I've so much planned in this week I don't think I have the time to wallow.. I'm holding off being affectionate.. Any I loves you.. In fact yesterday I think I came off frosty, in a sense I just didn't have anything nice to say.
I'm really thinking on what do I want to be, when I met him- I was the kinda woman I wanna be.. Confident, absolutely full off life, travelling nothing phased me
So this is what I want to capture agin
Sounds good!
It may be that I am a shallow person but I have always found that being vain can help take things off my mind. Easiest things to do, especially with a young baby in the house.
Baths, DIY facials, or maybe just nail polish when you can't get out of the house?
No I'm with you. Makes me feel better, it boosts your confidence a touch. Went out for a coffee with a friend. It's when I get home that I feel s**t.. Ughhhhhhh
2 hours after he's due home. Not a word.
I can't help but start to get that bad feeling in my gut again. Ugh
Confided in an old friend.. He is a lot older, and helped me see things from a mans perspective. He basically reiterated that I need to make me the best I can be , and as happy as I can be..
Been mad busy all day. Got a few things lined up to do.
H is usual quiet self. Not much to report, I've barely seen him
Good that you're working on yourself!
I am checking in to see how you are
V
Hi Cherry, this is what I've always liked about you. Although you are in pain, you are a fighter and it doesn't take much for Sassy Cherry to re-emerge. I'm glad you have some nice things planned, and I'm sure you will go to them tossing your hair and looking lovely.
I would leave H to wallow for a little while just now.
Take care my friend xx
Guys, thank you for dropping by, that's great to know I have the support.
I've been out gal-img this morning by myself, and went for a nice drive. Then spending the afternoon out with friends, ml and baby on a trip out.
I have been having a great think on how to make me happy, and what can make me happy. I'm trying to count my blessing. I hurt, I really do- and when I see h it can sometimes stab. BUT I keep telling myself this isn't about me- he needs to take his journey, and I need to be happy.
H hasn't said much, I have had slight conversations, but it has seemed very yes and no. He is probably confused as to why am I sashaying around the house, happy. But today, I actually feel a bit happy- I'm trying to look at myself and do what's best for me. And that makes me strong, not in a selfish way- I'm still running a home, food is still done. Looking after my family. But doing what makes me happy, had my highlights done- so my hair is looking good- and I have a new fur coat
I feel like me
So after a great girls day gal-ing. I came home, put baby to bed and then had a pamper session, face mask and nails. Makes me feel good about myself.
H comes in usual quiet. Tried to make some convo with him, got a few answers but he doesn't really talk in a chirpy upbeat manner. He's very quiet and speaking very miserable sounding.
We were in bed and I thought, should I initiate sex. Should I not? Should I be trying to speak to him? Right now my technique and my goal is to sort me and have me happy and in the best place. But is this going to push him further away? I feel like I have removed all focus from him. I know this is detachment, but am I doing the best thing by leaving him to it??
Any answers on this would be great, cause right now- I'm trying my best just to enjoy myself and try and be the best person and the happiest I can be
Good job on the GAL. Right now, your H doesn't sound like he's ready for any positive interactions.
Don't let that affect you. Perhaps you could treat him in an upbeat manner but just leave him to brood until he initiates contact with you?
Maybe others could help to chip in.
Yeah that's what I've been trying to do, just keep upbeat, despite however he chooses to be.
Just not sure if doing nothing is the best plan
Doing nothingis not always a great plan, most times it is the only plan l, especially when faced with a spouse who is clearly depressed and unwilling to look at themselves.
I really enjoyed reading your gal - sassy time that you set up this week. I hope tou enjoyes it. Keep it going! See what other activities come from it.
Next is to start righting down some goals. This one is hard, but necesaary.
There are some personal goals (health, activity, breaking habits, education, hobby...so many really), professional goals, relationship goals with h aa well as other family.
The real key here us to start to develope a direction for cherry to start moving forward. The gal helps you learn to take those steps...the goals help give you direction.
Does that sound like something you can do; start comming up with goals...there ar tons of examples on this site for personal develooement goals if you are having trouble...imho this is what helps define who we want to become and is the next stepping tone to figuring out our 180's.
As for your question above about trying to initiate sex or conversation more, that you will have to start doing trial and error to see what works and what doesnt. Unfortunately, what works today with thw depressed husband may not work tomorrow.
Maybe (in your spare time:) ) try to read some of the mlc threads in that forum. There are a wealth of saints over there who have developed true patience and thier stories are not inspirstional, but helpful with what you are going through.
Actually just meant to say hi.
Hipe you have a great say!
Cheers zephyr!
You're support is always great! You know what, it really felt good. Planning a girls night tomorrow.
I'm keeping myself busy, sassy seems to be my default. When I'm hurt, it's like my wall of defence, probably starts as faking it til I am it.
Yep I think I can start making some goals, I think my gal-Ing is a major goal- getting me feeling better about me
I'm starting to think what if my strength and detachment actually leads me to seeing I will manage alone. What if his behaviours actually drives me away. I'm giving him the space, but the lack of anything to him and the way he snaps answers back at me sometimes makes me wonder.. Like, what if I suddenly realise I'm done?!
Cherry, I think we all have that thought at various times and for various reasons. I've wondered myself at what point does the man only a fool would leave turn into the man would who be a fool for taking back their S. This is something I'm actually wrestling with right now.
Don't use that fear as a reason to avoid detaching and taking care of yourself. Also, of course you could manage fine without your H. You could likely find a new partner who treats you better and provides for all of your emotional needs but that's not the point. Our S's thought the same when they started their A's. Our commitments to M is what keeps us from walking. If we just gave up our M because we thought we could do better, how would that be any different than what many of our S's did at BD? I recognize its not the same because of how much damage has been done and we all do need to make our own decisions when we are done standing, but for right now this and love is what keeps me there.
Stay strong, this isn't easy but you will be ok.
Cherry
If you realise you are done then you do.
Do that which is best for you and your precious little one. It's more usual for the mother to have PHD not the father.
Some couples ML throughout their sitch, others end up in separate beds. Again you do that which works for your sitch.
Zephyr is correct, reflect and reassess after action.
V
true patience and thier stories are not inspirstional, but helpful with what you are going through.
This was meant to say, not only inspirstional. Ha, i hate autocorrect
So you are setting up some gal pal time this weekend, yay!!! Sounds absolutely perfect.
Hope you have a great time.
Thank you guys, I think I'm doing too much over thinking, that's always been a problem of mine. And you're right that is the thought path of the was spouse before the bd or the a. And now I'm seeing how easily if you are unhappy it is to fall into that trap.
Yup out today, then got a sitter for baby and out tonight. I'm just trying to keep a level head. The first and foremost thought has to be what is going to be best for baby.
Today has been a difficult stage with baby misbehaving. One of my male friends who I've always been close to I had confided in, and whilst he told me to do whatever is best for my family and to be happy, he's also said he doesn't wanna sway my mind one way or another. He's done a bit of what is potentially harmless flirting. But it's actually made me a bit annoyed cause while I sorta flirted back- I thought like I felt like I dunno where this could lead in my vulnerable state. And I actually felt a bit dirty for flirting back with him. Like I had cheated on my husband.
Just made me feel a little shitty. Out gal- img with a girlfriend tonight. Really, in a way I feel like curling in a ball in bed.
Hmm, i have always been weary of men or women who are 'there for a shoulder to cry on' 'dont want to sway your mind' or say they would never do anything because they respect you marriage (all they while they are flirtatious or try to initiate emotional closeness or become subversive with the concept of leaving the spouse.
People are wired to build emotional connections and ultimately that drives them towards their actions. when they say one thing and act in a direct conflict with that it really shows their color.
I'm glad you're seeing this for yourself. we are especially vulnerable when we're trying to work on ourselves and find out how to have our needs met on our own, when those desires for connection and fulfillment are offered by someone else.
It is not difficult to see the slippery slope with these interactions.
I am with Zephyr on that. Yes, be wary of the opp sex who try to comfort you while you're having probs in your marriage. That was how the OW in my marriage moved in for the kill.
If you're uncomfortable, then you really should listen to what your instincts are telling you.
I know what you mean about curling up in bed. If you feel like it, you should. It can be healing too after all that GAL. Sometimes I feel like I am running myself ragged with too many GAL activities.
Thanks for the comfort guys, yeah I can see it- and although the friendship feels comforting to me right now, I do feel somewhat wary that I know in the past he's had feelings for me and would try and be the good friend and eventually draw me in.
It's hard, so hard.
Busy night tonight, and more planned in tomorrow!! Been so so busy recently.
I haven't seen h at all today, barely spoke neither. We have messaged, that's all.
Now I am religious so some may not agree with this thought of mine. But I believe God tests us, and I'm thinking because when h did this I said how I couldn't believe he did this- I'd never cheat on him. And now I'm feeling god is testing me as if to see how I would react if someone else was to move in on me
I dont know if this is DBing. This is how I see this: you are young, you are attractive and you know you have options. But you are brave and strong enough not to take the easy way out and bail on your marriage.
You are giving it your best shot, not because you have no other options but because you love your H and you want a family with him and your D.
So this is the type of person that you are.
The journey may be painful but the rewards will definitely be worth the effort. And you dont have to worry if eventually you find that your H is not going the same way that you are, because you know that there is someone who will be.
Cherry
There will be a time when you are seeking a new R either with H or another.
Is a man who behaves like this the type of man you want to R with? That is the road to more pain in my view.
You will be stronger looking for an R and a partner who is your equal in life. Honey this type of R won't be any where on the score board to that which you seek.
Just my 2c
V
Guys you are too right. Thanks for that, v- certainly not, it sounds like an accident waiting to happen and potentially ending back down this path.
This is really hard. In bed, it's like there's a huge gap between us. So close, yet so far. He's still barely speaking. Last time we went through this, he wouldn't get changed in front of me or let him see me half dressed. Now, this doesn't bother him. Though I know, don't read into things.
Got some GAL planned in, good job cause h told me last night he's going to be out pretty much all day. Trying not to overthink. Finding the morning quite tough today. I woke up and watched him sleep, in a way so desperate to have him hold me- and in another wanting to beat him because once again he's hurting me so much. And again, this isn't just hurting me- he's barely seen our child in days and had no plans to today. And that hurts, and I'm trying to protect him who keeps saying dada over and over all day to me.
Today has been a hard day. Baby misbehaving. Feeling a little vulnerable and taken advantage of potentially by "friends".
And wanting him back.
He's out all day, and night. I feel like being irresponsible for once
He had been to talk to his mum telling her how unhappy he was with me. And how he hasn't ever been happy. This is bull$**t I know that. But I guess it's part of the script to re write history isn't it?
She must have given him a good telling off, cause he was trying too much to be nice to me. He decided he wanted to stay home to watch movies with me instead of out with the boys. He then was overly trying to be nice, talking, joking.
I felt so angry, last night I would have been quite happy if he went out.
Just hearing all this stuff, even if it's lies hurts. And this is hard. And he's all over the place,, like last night he wanted to talk to me for the first time in weeks. I couldn't and make conversation I was just too angry!!
So today's hard, I know it will pass, I know I have to work through the pain. But I'm hurting and I'm angry. Seeing this person who once appeared to love you more than life itself spit venom at you, it hurts.
Trying to regroup my thoughts but finding it hard. He is looking after baby. I've gone back to bed, he thinks I'm doing stuff, but right now- I need to feel this pain and push through it.
((( cherry)))
Yes, it will pass. Hard to know what he's telling his mum. His mum ratted on him? Good that she's on your side.
Seems like he's trying to be nice. Hope that you'll feel better soon.
I realised that for my X and I, we took turns to be angry in the months leading to the D. He would be stand offish but see me making an effort. The next time when he tried to make an effort, I would be angry at him for being such an a$$ the previous time. A vicious cycle.
So perhaps for you, you might just have to try being nice to each other at the same time? I do realise it's really easier said than done.
Yeah she really is on my side.
Yeah that vicious cycle sounds like us.
Hmm yeah I'll try to- I feel I just need to get my anger out today.. Staying away for him is possibly the best plan. I've had a little pamper session. I just needed to regroup.
Please start a new thread.