Time to detach - but how?

[Kinder]

Hello. I've been reading this forum daily since May, but this is my first post. My H and I have been living separately since May. That is when I found out he has been having an affair with a woman I know. I've read the DB book and all of Cadets links but I've been making mistakes right and left. We went to Retrouvaille in June and I had a hard time doing that and DBing at the same time. To summarize my totally messed up life in one sentence - my H continued the affair until she broke it off at the end of October, she is pregnant with what is 98% my H's child, my mother died this summer and I don't want to divorce this man that I do not know but love with all my heart. I think that they are back together now and I need to remove myself from this hell. How do I detach?

This is what I've accomplished in the last 6 months
1. I've started excercising 4 times a week, watching what I eat and have lost 60 pounds
2. Started going out with friends to new activities when the kids are with H
3. Have maintained my kids's way of life without H or his income

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

[Kinder]

The question I am struggling with today is whether or not to tell my H that I know they are back together or do I just let it be? I know I can't control what they do and I am trying hard remove my emotions from the scenario. We have a family outing scheduled for Saturday and I am wondering if I should uninvite him or keep things as planned....

[Cadet]

Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.

[Azzork]

The question I am struggling with today is whether or not to tell my H that I know they are back together or do I just let it be?

Kinder - Im glad you took the time to post. Sometimes just writing things out is helpful, even if you dont get a single bit of feedback.

In my opinion, it doesnt really matter if he's back with her. If it wasnt her, it would be someone else. So what benefit would you get from confronting him on this? If you had this family event planned, what difference does it make if he's back with her?

I am concerned about your financial state. You mention that you are keeping your daughter's lifestyle the same even without H's income. Are you collecting any kind of support from him? If not, why not?

[Kinder]

Azzork,

You're right. There would be no benefit. I am not even sure I have a right to be upset about it anymore. I would just be giving him an opportunity to lie to me for the umpteenth time.

I do get a small amount of support from him. It started last month - but it is not enough and not near what he would be required to give me if we D. I am really struggling financially right now. I am trying to minimize the damage in my daughter's lives created by their father and keep things the same for them. I've been able to so far but I have not come up with a long term plan for this.

[Azzork]

I do get a small amount of support from him. It started last month - but it is not enough and not near what he would be required to give me if we D. I am really struggling financially right now. I am trying to minimize the damage in my daughter's lives created by their father and keep things the same for them. I've been able to so far but I have not come up with a long term plan for this.

So, why arent you getting what that would be? Have you discussed with a lawyer? He shouldnt be able to just randomly pick a number out of a hat to give you.

[Cristy]

Hello Kinder,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

You are so right to recognize that you can't control what they do. You can control what you do! Detaching will be enormously helpful in regards to removing your emotions from the scenario. The family outing on Saturday needs to be addressed.

Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[Kinder]

Azzork - I have not consulted with a lawyer because I do not want to get divorced. I have my head firmly planted in the sand I know.

The number came about because that is what he can afford to give me now. Being the pushover I am, I thanked him for it and let it go.

I have my helmet on - bring on the 2x4s.

[Cadet]

Being the pushover I am, I thanked him for it and let it go.

Yup most LBS's are conflict avoiders.
Welcome to the club

[Azzork]

I have not consulted with a lawyer because I do not want to get divorced.

One has nothing to do with the other. You can consult with a lawyer, likely at a pretty low cost to get an idea on the amount of money you deserve based on your incomes, your parenting time split, etc.

KNOWLEDGE is POWER.

If I he said I can afford $100 a month, bu you should be owed $1000 a month, why should you accept it?

This is HIS doing. HIS idea. Why should you bend over backwards to accommodate him?

Go see a lawyer. See what youre owed. It might be similar to what youre getting. If its NOT, then you can decide how to proceed.

[Kinder]

I know it is not what is owed. I did the CS worksheet for my state so I have a good idea of what he'd have to pay me in support and what he is giving me is not even close.

I've gone as dark as I can with children in the last three weeks. I finally spoke to the OW at the end of October and discovered that he had been lying to both of us since May. I've been dark since then - only discussing pick ups and drop offs. We chat pleasantly when together for kid things but nothing else. What more can I do now? I've kept in contact with OW up until last week. Over the weekend I was told that her car is back at his house and now she hasn't returned my most recent text. That's all the confirmation I need that they are back on. Apparently she has no back bone either.

I know I shouldn't care about any of this but I do - alot. This has to run its course right? It has nothing to do with me right? Work on only me and my girls, right?

[raliced]

Hi Kinder -

I don't post much here anymore - but I was browsing today and your post caught my eye, because I also have two daughters and lost a parent as well this summer. I'm sorry about your mother - I'm sure it made an already awful situation so much more painful.

I have not consulted with a lawyer because I do not want to get divorced. I have my head firmly planted in the sand I know.

The number came about because that is what he can afford to give me now. Being the pushover I am, I thanked him for it and let it go.

Kinder - you can't "nice" him back. I've read a lot of threads here in the last year - and I haven't see that happen yet. Please consult a lawyer and protect yourself. Depending on what state you live in and what the laws are about when you are separated - you could be responsible for any debt he is running up right now. If he can't afford to pay you a reasonable amount of child support - then he can't afford to be supporting a separate establishment with the OW. You aren't doing any of you any favors by shielding him from this reality. The man is creating new responsibilities while neglecting the old and what in his behavior the last few months would lead you to believe you can trust him to do the right thing?

I know I shouldn't care about any of this but I do - alot. This has to run its course right? It has nothing to do with me right? Work on only me and my girls, right?

Kinder - it may run its course, it may not and it may not end the way you would like it to right now. It's fine to hope and stay positive - but that doesn't mean that you can't take care of business. Protect yourself and your daughters.

And before I forget - do yourself a favor and cease any contact with the OW.

[Kinder]

I so appreciate you both responding. Part of my hesitation in pushing the money issue is that I know he doesn't have it. I haven't pushed it because I have no faith that he'll give me the money even if I do ask for what I deserve. It feels like starting a fight when I know the outcome.

Should I ask him for what the CS worksheet says I am owed? What do I do when he says no? Get a lawyer and legally force him if I can?

The OW is no longer talking to me so it will be easy for me stop talking to her.

[raliced]

Kinder- you should speak to a lawyer. You can be frank and say you don't want a divorce/ but a lawyer can lay out the options - including what to do if your H has no money for child support.

[JulieH]

Hi kinder,

Thank you for posting on my thread. Isn't it funny, how when we are reading other people's situations we think completely different then when it is our own? Especially when the situations are similar. When I read yours I think, that SOB needs to pay CS. But in my case, I think differently. But why?

Please read my earlier threads. The links aren't there but you can find them by clicking on my name. I struggled with requesting CS for months. My husband told me he couldn't afford it even though he earns over 3 figures and has no expenses. He ended up taking a mysterious vacation and delayed paying for a new car seat.

I know I'm right but for some reason I'm sick over it, so I totally understand your apprehension. Sometimes it helps to hear it over and over and over and by telling you, I am actually telling myself this...

1. This is for your children. You need to be a lioness and make sure they get everything they are entitled to. Because if you don't, no one else will. Any extra can be used for their college or safety fund as opposed to God knows what your husband will be spending it on.

2. Your husband made a commitment to marry you and bring children into this world. Ok, he doesn't want to be married anymore. But luckily we have laws that ensure that he continues to support those children he elected to have.

3. RAlice is right. I was nice for 5 months after husband left and it did not change husband. He was committed to leaving before he left. I think They have to hit rock bottom first. Right now they are living it up. Think of how easy it is to have no responsibilitities and full income. Why would they return? (Whether you will even want them back at that point is another story) they need to know the real consequences early on. DONT ENABLE THEIR BEHAVIOR. It will not get easier with time. I wish I did it the moment he left, cause he would have seen what it really is like to be divorced instead of living a wonderful life of bachelorhood.

[Kinder]

I think it is time to cut all financial ties with him. I will start the search for a lawyer I am comfortable to address the CS issue.

Goals for this weekend:
1. Figure out the weed wacker
2. Keep calm and pleasant during all interactions with H
3. Get my hair done for Thanksgiving

[Kinder]

So I had a brief chat with H last night. I've been thinking a lot about CS these last few days and decided I would give him the CS worksheet I filled out for our state. I did that last night so I have at least opened up the conversation. I will give it a week or so to see how he chooses to proceed. If there is still no action, I will find a lawyer to help me.

Our conversation got a little shanghaied because apparently OW is having complications with her pregnancy and he is very worried about that. He was obviously upset about this and I know it is something he feared a lot when I was pregnant - that something would be wrong with the baby. I offered my support ( not that it meant anything to him) and then we went into the event for our kids.

He did ask me why I don't talk to him anymore so at least I know that he has noticed. He also bowed out of the family outing for tonight which I totally expected and left me feeling relieved honestly. Progress for me, I think!

[raliced]

Kinder - Some of this may come across as a little harsh - I'm sorry in advance if that is the case.

You seem to be avoiding speaking to a lawyer. I'm not sure what the downside is to at least discussing this with someone (who could very likely give you a free consultation) and it feels like you might be afraid that this is a step leading to divorce, which I know you don't want. '

There could be a lot more to your situation than mere child support. For instance, you've been separated since May and it sounds like you've assumed more than half the financial responsibility for the kids. If that is the case - you meet the test to file as Head of Household come tax time. That could be a very meaningful financial move for you.

What concerns me in your situation is that you have a pregnant OW living with your H. I can tell you one thing a lawyer will say - and that is that when there is a third party involved advising the Walk Away Spouse, things tend to get uglier. They are going to look out for themselves.

Kinder - is it ok with you that your husband is living elsewhere and is having a child with another woman? It sort of sounds to me like you are giving your H that impression, given that your H feels comfortable voicing his concerns about OW's health to you and his complaints that you don't call him enough. If it's not ok with you then your behavior needs to be consistent with how you feel. You don't have to be hostile and can continue to be civil, but I would certainly, at a minimum, draw a boundary that you don't want to listen to his fears concerning the pregnancy.

[Kinder]

Not too harsh Raliced. I can take it. Just to clarify something.... He is not living with the OW. She is still living with her boyfriend/baby daddy of child #2. No one knows that my H is most likely her baby daddy #3 except for her mother. The situation is so messed up I am embarrassed to even type it on an anonymous forum.

I am certainly not ok with him getting another woman pregnant, but I am trying to keep my end goal in mind. I've blown my top at him several times in the last six months, but I am trying to accept the situation for what it is right now.

You're right about the lawyer. I am afraid. I posted in newcomers but I am fairly certain that I am dealing with an MLC and am trying to be the lighthouse.

[Kinder]

Also - I do have some concern for the baby because it is a potential sibling for my children and I do hope it is healthy. I wouldn't wish a premature birth/ ill baby on anyone.