Well the guts of it, I believe it was approx. about this time last year she started an EA with some guy online she met through a game she was playing. March of this year she drove down to North Carolina to run a marathon which she did, but she also had an affair with this guy. She ended it shortly after this in early April, she says because she was ashamed of herself, and what she did to me/us. September I had to take my daughter (hers actually) to court cause of some stupid issue, not our fault. So I had pictures on W ipad, as I was clearing off the pictures I found a screenshot of a conversation with this guy where he stated the following facts: he said her name, they spent 2 days together, she's still his fantasy, and he wasn't trying to reconcile which I believe he was.
I sent it to her and said WTF, I hope it was worth it. She told me it was her friend with the same name that is a known cheater and cookoo. So I went along with it , but it didn't sit with me. 2 thursdays ago I was on the ipad looking at guitar scales, when I saw pop ups from people chatting and it had sexual innuendo. I talked to her about it last friday, I also remembered her friend with the same name was pregnant at that time, it didn't fit. She tried to talk me off the ledge, no it's all in your head... she didn't do anything when she was in NC. (funny I feel like a total POS, she called me hours after her race and said I think I'm going to stay and extra day and I said ok LOL fool). So last weekend I was pissed, I knew she wouldn't admit it. She did everything right though to make me feel better, she made love to me 4 times, she was an awesome wife to me for the first time in 10 years.
Last monday after working out I went home and went through the ipad more, and found these GD screenshots and more that I wasn't even paying attention too what was in them. All the chatting going on. I found another message from this that was a broadcast to their whole team and again. I sent them to her about 1140pm last monday night, and thats when my whole world came to crushing blow.
I'm 46, she's 42. from everything i've read (I've seen and individual counselor last friday and we saw a couple counselor saturday) she's done the right thing. she's been open, answered all questions. She told me he started it. FOund out he's from NC, so she went to him. She said she ended it after she returned because she says was ashamed of what she did. "She didn't mean for this to happen".
So I will also say this, my wife are 2 completely different people. I'm Italian so I'm a very emotional loving caring openly type person, I'm selfless to a fault. She's the polar opposite, she's ice not sure when all this happened. even now I'm lucky to get an "i love you" 1x a day. I read that she should be "appologizing up and down" which she hasn't.
I love my wife way too much, even now after reading the 37 steps I give her her space. But I gave her space and this happened? So I want to make it work we have a ready made family, I'm divorced one time (she did the exact same thing btw) I have 2 from my 1st D22 S19(withme) her D20 we have a S9.
As I type this I'm starting to get messed up again, recounting all of this. I also will say that I have really started to think Do I really want this to work out? She doesn't meet my physical or emotional needs. She hasn't kissed me in 10+ years, but she could do it with this guy. I'm trying to save this marriage with hope we'll be better, but I don't think she'll ever be willing on trying to work on her issues... she has no desire to try to do for me emotionally or physically.
Thanks, I hope that made sense.
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
I have a life! I train brazilian jiu jitsu everyday
it's my lifes passion.. it's the only thing thats made me happy for the last 3 years ...
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I have a life! I train brazilian jiu jitsu everyday
it's my lifes passion.. it's the only thing thats made me happy for the last 3 years ...
ktfo -
Im sorry you are here.
Have you read DB or DR yet?
Also, the "Get a Life" thing is not to say you hae 'no' life. But it's extremely important to rebuild your self worth and self confidence at a time like this. And the best way to do that is to start new hobbies and make new friends. Have you looked into that?
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
No I haven't read it yet I'm hoping to start though along with several other books. Thanks! I will delete my history, although she doesn't go on my MacBook. I'm not manipulating her at all, she says she wants to be with me she wants us that she chose me and never intended for what happened to happen. I'll keep my smartbutt remarks to myself but that's what she says.
I have a life! I train brazilian jiu jitsu everyday
it's my lifes passion.. it's the only thing thats made me happy for the last 3 years ...
ktfo -
Im sorry you are here.
Have you read DB or DR yet?
Also, the "Get a Life" thing is not to say you hae 'no' life. But it's extremely important to rebuild your self worth and self confidence at a time like this. And the best way to do that is to start new hobbies and make new friends. Have you looked into that?
I understand! Thanks! So you all know, I've started the process of re-believing in ME! Building ME back to who I know I am! I'm a good Man! I'm a Man of standards and beliefs! I do right for the right reasons, I'm selfless and put other ahead of me. I help those that need help. I'll give you the shirt off my back in a moments notice. I have morals. I'm being postiive, being strong, being good! I will be A BETTER ME!
I WILL NOT let this break me down, even though it's a struggle at times.
I've started the following:
I will not contact her she has to initiate
I will not hover or anything it's up to her.
She needs to figure herself out and figure out how to make this right by me.
I did nothing wrong. I have done nothing but support her in everything! Her workouts, her personal training, her competing in a Jiu Jitsu tournament this past august. her wanting to do a physique competition. her diets her everything, I support her I love her so very very very much. now if she could reciprocate and show me that would be great.
The worst part is how much I love her!
I keep reminding myself, I DESERVE TO BE LOVED! I DESERVE to be HAPPY! I want to be happy!
As my Professor said when I got promoted: "He's one of the most positive, most selfless, most giving, caring and toughest people I know." Brought me to tears that someone see's such great things in me. I don't do what I do for that, but sometimes it's nice to hear good things about me.
I don't hear it at home. LOL funny, I left my phone at a bar during a MicroBrew night and didn't realize it till the next day. I called they had. MY best buddy said "thats because your a good man. You've earned that goodness and good karma"
I LOVE ME!
Hell for a man that's 46 years old (as of 10/30) you can't tell. I'm in very good shape, better shape than 95% of the guys younger than me. I went to train and rolled (sparring) with a bunch of guys bigger, more advanced and younger than me. They told my Teacher which he then said to me "you made impression up at the main school. They though you were in your 20/30's. They couldn't believe how tough and strong you were"
I'm not a rippling stud but I have my abs, I'm lean and I give everyone a tough time no matter what rank.
Careful here, ktfo.
Your W didnt just decide one day to up and have an affair. You described some problems in your marriage. This is not ALL her. In general, Id guess the breakdown in your marriage is somewhere close to 50-50. So, yes, you did some things wrong.
BUT that doesnt mean you have to KEEP doing things wrong. Its time to reflect back and think about what you did to contaminate your marriage. And figure out how to fix that in yourself going forward.
No I nkow it's 50/50.. I'm not blaming her for everything, but the going outside the marriage part is what I meant.
as I told her, if we are going to do this :WE need to have a better marriage. WE need to work on US individually and together. It's a team. I take full stock in my shortcomings, man enough to admit it. But she has to be willing to too.
I'm a humble man, I am not perfect. I have plenty of faults. I also have always tried to be the best husband and father.
I'm trying to save this marriage with hope we'll be better, but I don't think she'll ever be willing on trying to work on her issues... she has no desire to try to do for me emotionally or physically.
OK. So you wrote this. Where exactly is SHE in all of this? Is she interested in repairing your marriage? Is she pushing towards separation?
We all want to help you, but Im not positive all of the details of your situation yet.
I'm trying to save this marriage with hope we'll be better, but I don't think she'll ever be willing on trying to work on her issues... she has no desire to try to do for me emotionally or physically.
OK. So you wrote this. Where exactly is SHE in all of this? Is she interested in repairing your marriage? Is she pushing towards separation?
We all want to help you, but Im not positive all of the details of your situation yet.
Sorry, I was rushing to write all of this morning before work. She says she wants this to work. She says she chose me and new she messed up when she did it. The problem I have is, I'm not sure she's willing to do what it would completely take for the both of us to be happy again. I know it's going to take time and I hope it does, because I truly love her but I think she's so stubborn and really is a : well you just have to deal with it instead of coming to a compromise. I've tried to talk to her for years, to try to improve US. I've tried to spark the relationship, I've tried alot but she's not really willing to do this stuff. I've had her brothers and father even apologize to me LOL
It takes 2. I'm willing to try and forgive her, and try to reestablish our bond. but as I said to her, we had issues before this, I thought of leaving because I think she is incapable of working on her/me/us. Doing for each other, in all ways! Simple things like: gifts even small ones during the holidays, I've not received one in 8 years. Anniversary anythings even a card would be nice... I've been an after thought to her for a long time, but she maintains she loves me.
She says she wants this to work. She says she chose me and new she messed up when she did it.
OK. Saying it is one thing. Taking actions to actually show this is another thing. What is she doing to let you know she is serious? From what you describe, it sounds like she is hoping this just "goes away".
The problem I have is, I'm not sure she's willing to do what it would completely take for the both of us to be happy again. I know it's going to take time and I hope it does, because I truly love her but I think she's so stubborn and really is a : well you just have to deal with it instead of coming to a compromise. I've tried to talk to her for years, to try to improve US. I've tried to spark the relationship, I've tried alot but she's not really willing to do this stuff. I've had her brothers and father even apologize to me LOL
Youve tried doing a lot with or for HER. What have you done for yourself? Have you thought about her love languages - are you trying to speak through those?
False.
So very much incredibly false.
It starts with YOU. You need to change the way you interact with her. You need to work to push her "positive" buttons. THEN, you can start to see changes in her.
But you do not need her to start the process.
I'm willing to try and forgive her, and try to reestablish our bond. but as I said to her, we had issues before this, I thought of leaving because I think she is incapable of working on her/me/us. Doing for each other, in all ways! Simple things like: gifts even small ones during the holidays, I've not received one in 8 years. Anniversary anythings even a card would be nice... I've been an after thought to her for a long time, but she maintains she loves me.
After you read DR (which you really need to do. I would read the 5 Love Languages. It sounds like, in discussing with you today, that you are very big on Physical Touch and Gift Giving as ways you understand being loved.
My guess is that she receives love in other ways. The book mighjt give you some insight in how to "reach" her.
I'm willing to do what it takes. I've tried to interact with her in many ways, I don't know how to connect with her. We connected fine in the beginning obviously but it went away quickly after we were married.
As far as what have I done for myself? LOL I don't know what that means. I mean I train Jiu Jitsu, or I've worked out. I try to play guitar very badly, or bass very badly... that's it.
"OK. Saying it is one thing. Taking actions to actually show this is another thing. What is she doing to let you know she is serious? From what you describe, it sounds like she is hoping this just "goes away".
Well, nothing really we barely speak. I'm giving her space, I'm not crowding her as I did last week with all the questions etc. So last night, I came home at 9 she was asleep. We spoke briefly at jiu jitsu, just chit chat as she worked out and my son had jiu jitsu. This morning she sat next to me in bed for about a minute, then got in the shower. Then told me my son needed stuf signe in his homework book. She texted me hows work. Thats it. Not sure if any of that is helping.
When I came home from work on friday after i spoke to a counselor for me, we spoke I told her what the counselor said. My wife just said "this [censored]".. then we went to eat pizza with the kiddo and saw amateur boxing.
She really has no ability to express her feelings or discuss any of this. She really has nothing to say, or is reluctant to say. When we were at counseling the counselor would say something basically trying to get a response from my wife and she said nothing. I think that angered me more than anything that was spoken there. She really said very little and what she said except for finding out that the guy was from north carolina and the realization that she drove to him. I was mad. This was when I drove around and realized that she may not have it in her to fix this, it can't just be me.
I'm willing to do what it takes. I've tried to interact with her in many ways, I don't know how to connect with her.
Im not saying you have or you havent. Maybe google the 5 Love Languages. Take the test. Take the test as if you were her. See how they compare. Then consider whether youve spoken to her in THAT manner.
We connected fine in the beginning obviously but it went away quickly after we were married.
Well, yes. The dopamine rush of a new relationship wears off. Then what? Thats OK. You arent going to be head over heels gaga for each other forever. So how do you keep a healthy relationship of companionship, partnership, caring, tenderness, intimacy, love, etc....
As far as what have I done for myself? LOL I don't know what that means. I mean I train Jiu Jitsu, or I've worked out. I try to play guitar very badly, or bass very badly... that's it.
I mean, what kinds of changes are you instilling in yourself? You CANNOT be the same person going forward as you were in the past. That path led you to here, with your W having affairs. So, CLEARLY, something was wrong. So what are you doing for yourself to become a person that she would be a fool to leave? I dont just mean physically. I mean in all aspects of life - as a father, as a friend, as a man, as a person, etc.
"OK. Saying it is one thing. Taking actions to actually show this is another thing. What is she doing to let you know she is serious? From what you describe, it sounds like she is hoping this just "goes away".
Well, nothing really we barely speak.
This has nothing to do with her WORDS. Even if you were speaking, you cant believe anything she says anyway. Look at actions.
I'm giving her space, I'm not crowding her as I did last week with all the questions etc. So last night, I came home at 9 she was asleep. We spoke briefly at jiu jitsu, just chit chat as she worked out and my son had jiu jitsu. This morning she sat next to me in bed for about a minute, then got in the shower. Then told me my son needed stuf signe in his homework book. She texted me hows work. Thats it. Not sure if any of that is helping.
So what makes you think she "wants this to work" besides her saying "I want this to work"?
When I came home from work on friday after i spoke to a counselor for me, we spoke I told her what the counselor said. My wife just said "this [censored]".. then we went to eat pizza with the kiddo and saw amateur boxing.
I thought the counselor was for you? Why are you sharing all of it with her? Are you telling her everything I tell you also...?
She really has no ability to express her feelings or discuss any of this. She really has nothing to say, or is reluctant to say. When we were at counseling the counselor would say something basically trying to get a response from my wife and she said nothing. I think that angered me more than anything that was spoken there. She really said very little and what she said except for finding out that the guy was from north carolina and the realization that she drove to him. I was mad. This was when I drove around and realized that she may not have it in her to fix this, it can't just be me.
Here are some thoughts:
1) You cannot FIX her. She has to decide to do the work on herself.I think you are seeing that.
2) It ABSO-FREAKING-LUTELY CAN be just you. In fact, right now, it HAS to be just you. The first step is you improving yourself. She is not going to come back to or stay in a marriage that is identical to the one you two had before. And if she cant or is unwilling to change, then YOU have to be the first. The key is HOW to change - and for that, Id recommend getting the books so you can understand more clearly how to proceed.
This was when I drove around and realized that she may not have it in her to fix this, it can't just be me.
Some do and some don't. I am slowly coming to the conclusion to that myself. The only thing I may add is that take care of yourself first. It took me months to get to where I am OK and no longer an emotional mess. But, without becoming the best you can, it will be as Azzork says.
My W has allowed years and years of history - going back to childhood and early relationships (I won't go into that here, its all in my thread) - to damage us. She is so damaged to the point where I think all she wants is an escape route.
I am hoping for you and will be following your thread, so keep your head up! Work on yourself and become the best you can be - for you, not her. Whether she sees that is on her. If she chooses not to come back, then that is on her, not you. Do what you can to the best of your ability.
Azzork, I found the 5 loving languages, and will start that immediately.
So you know, I am starting working on myself I have for a couple days now. So far I have a way to shake the "visions" and when I start thinking about the stuff. My buddy (talking about something different) explained the "no more, stoppit" technique. He explained the science behind it and it works. I am working on keeping my confidence, and getting my "happy" back. I've always been a happy happy happy guy. I'm trying to clear my mind, with little moments of meditation to speak to myself, clear my mind. Try to escape the feelings of loss and loneliness. I send myself messages propping myself up and such. I speak to myself ALOT. I'm working on me. It's my priority.
I can't make her do anything, it's up to her. I hope she's willing to do it.
Thanks I can't tell you how much this helps.
I'm willing to do what it takes. I've tried to interact with her in many ways, I don't know how to connect with her.
Im not saying you have or you havent. Maybe google the 5 Love Languages. Take the test. Take the test as if you were her. See how they compare. Then consider whether youve spoken to her in THAT manner.
>> I got the book, I'm going to laod it on my phone and start now.
We connected fine in the beginning obviously but it went away quickly after we were married.
Well, yes. The dopamine rush of a new relationship wears off. Then what? Thats OK. You arent going to be head over heels gaga for each other forever. So how do you keep a healthy relationship of companionship, partnership, caring, tenderness, intimacy, love, etc....
>>I've tried to spark things over the years and she's been cold to all of it.
As far as what have I done for myself? LOL I don't know what that means. I mean I train Jiu Jitsu, or I've worked out. I try to play guitar very badly, or bass very badly... that's it.
I mean, what kinds of changes are you instilling in yourself? You CANNOT be the same person going forward as you were in the past. That path led you to here, with your W having affairs. So, CLEARLY, something was wrong. So what are you doing for yourself to become a person that she would be a fool to leave? I dont just mean physically. I mean in all aspects of life - as a father, as a friend, as a man, as a person, etc.
>>I can improve in everything, but I will say I'm a great friend to all, my kids know that they are world to me and I everything I can for them (infact even my step-daughter has said if we ever broke up she'd live with me. She's serious). As a man I give to/for everyone, anything shirt off my back, watch someone's kids, pick someone up, anything.
--she said "you are an incredible man, husband, father, suporter. she's upset with what she did, and realizes it thats why she ended it". I say you needed something I couldn't provide, and I want to be able to do that.
"OK. Saying it is one thing. Taking actions to actually show this is another thing. What is she doing to let you know she is serious? From what you describe, it sounds like she is hoping this just "goes away".
Well, nothing really we barely speak.
This has nothing to do with her WORDS. Even if you were speaking, you cant believe anything she says anyway. Look at actions.
>>I am, that's been my goal see what she's willing to do and so far nothing, except for little chit chats via text.
I'm giving her space, I'm not crowding her as I did last week with all the questions etc. So last night, I came home at 9 she was asleep. We spoke briefly at jiu jitsu, just chit chat as she worked out and my son had jiu jitsu. This morning she sat next to me in bed for about a minute, then got in the shower. Then told me my son needed stuf signe in his homework book. She texted me hows work. Thats it. Not sure if any of that is helping.
So what makes you think she "wants this to work" besides her saying "I want this to work"?
When I came home from work on friday after i spoke to a counselor for me, we spoke I told her what the counselor said. My wife just said "this [censored]".. then we went to eat pizza with the kiddo and saw amateur boxing.
I thought the counselor was for you? Why are you sharing all of it with her? Are you telling her everything I tell you also...?
>>NO!
My priority is me! I need to get right! I am doing what I can, if you have any tips please let me know. I'm trying to shake the blues, and i do most of the time, but it's the time my mind strays. I say "no more, stoppit" it's tough though, and I'm working on it. I am a good God fearing man! I do for everyone and believe I am a good father, man, brother, son, etc...
She hasn't kissed you in ten years, but maybe tells you once a day ILY?
Well, she's reminding me of my own embarrassing behavior, several years ago. I was so sad and unhappy, and I started playing internet games......and like her, starting chatting with the players. At first, any flirty words and I would turn it off, immediately. But then one night I didn't. That's how I met the OM.
So anyway, I accidently found my way to the board and got help. It helped me save my M. We're still together today. There's one key factor, I had the reached the point that I needed to talk to someone. I was ready and willing to at least hear what I needed to get my head clear again. I was such a mess.
We are going to give you tools to help yourself. It's your playbook, okay? So don't be sharing it with her.
So I will also say this, my wife are 2 completely different people.
Well, now she's even
more different. This is not the same girl you married.
I love my wife way too much, even now after reading the 37 steps I give her her space. But I gave her space and this happened?
It didn't happen b/c you gave her space. It happened b/c she's wayward.
So I want to make it work we have a ready made family, I'm divorced one time (she did the exact same thing btw)
Please clarify about her doing the same thing.
as I told her, if we are going to do this :WE need to have a better marriage.
I don't necessarily think you have, but sometimes the LBH thinks that if the W stopped the A then it means she's ready to work on the MR. It doesn't. In many cases, she is stalling her H, and the contact with OM has never ended. Even if it ends, she'll go through withdrawal just like being addicted to a drug. It's crazy.
If she does agree to work to save the M, then you will need a very good transparency plan. However, I think that will be a ways off yet. You have other things to learn first.
Stick with us. Post often and people will respond more.
She gave me access to her phone, email etc. She ended it as far as I can tell, she stopped all contact except for the time he messaged her via "Line" it's an app. She said she was embarrased and ashamed and hoped I'd never find out she wanted us. From what I've seen, she has done all the right things. I told her if you want this to work, no game, no chat no nothing.. the second she goes back it's over. And trust me she was always playing the game and she said "after the A everything changed, she only played the game no chatting or anything".
She WAS the last person who'd I thought would do this.
I am saying nothing about this site. nothing. I wish she'd do the same though, maybe read what SHE should do.. I asked to her read for her part of this to work, and i doubt she has. I'm not going to force her, but if she's not willing to work on her and us, then tell me now. Before I get any older, and more cauliflower ear LOL first time I've giggled in a while
.
OH the "SHE DID THE EXACT THING" my ex-wife flew to someone else to have an affair
.. I was happy when it happened I couldn't stand her (although I never showed it my kids were my priority, I even tried to work on us but she was reluctant), although I had to really question myself mentally.
Good guys finish last I suppose.
This club [censored]. Sorry you're here. Similar sitch w/o the gaming. Oh I have the joy of living in same town as om though. You'll figure this out, one way or another. And yeah nice guys do finish last. Stop being nice or what you consider nice. You know how to man up, do that, be present. Be in control of yourself and your environment. Does she work or just play games all day?
And yeah nice guys do finish last.
No truer words have been spoken. But look at how women always say they want a nice guy. When my W and I were dating, I was the nice guy but with an *ss side, too. Maybe I need to revisit that again... Trouble is, I am a nice guy. Haha
OhGreat - she works, but you know with these cellphones it's 24x7 connectivity. I told her, I expected this a while ago, I said "if you're going to do have an A, leave me! Dont' put me through it" She was engulfed in this game then the EA then A.
It makes me mad..
And yeah nice guys do finish last.
No truer words have been spoken. But look at how women always say they want a nice guy. When my W and I were dating, I was the nice guy but with an *ss side, too. Maybe I need to revisit that again... Trouble is, I am a nice guy. Haha
I think anyone that knows me or works with or has any thing do with me will tell you I'm one of the nicest, most selfless, people you'll ever meet. I'm also a giant dumb#ss for dealing with this! LOL hahah.. sorry, had to laugh. I'm also very very very self depricating! lol if you can't laugh at yourself then how can you laugh lol
Yeah it does. I can't even get the last name bc w knows what happens next. So really, similar sitches. What happens now: you are going to change you and ur w will start to unravel. She'll test you and be depressed and piss you off.
So hang in there. It means you're doing good. What you're about to do takes discipline and courage. I think you'll be ok.
I think anyone that knows me or works with or has any thing do with me will tell you I'm one of the nicest, most selfless, people you'll ever meet. I'm also a giant dumb#ss for dealing with this! LOL hahah.. sorry, had to laugh. I'm also very very very self depricating! lol if you can't laugh at yourself then how can you laugh lol
I have been told many times that I am a nice guy. I always avoided conflict in marriage, out of fear I guess. Funny thing, when we were dating, I was very much a nice guy but had a little *sshole edge to me. Just a little. It took me a lot of reflecting to see how being so nice in the marriage was probably one of the things that led to our problems now.
I totally understand the laughing at yourself part! I do the same.
The thing to remember is, while last guys do tend to finish last, those who win always win big.
Don't be self deprecating in front of her. Stop it. She doesn't respect that. Trust me. One of my first boundaries was no making jokes about me. They just don't seem so funny from a woman who's been bopping someone else right? And how can I expect her to respect that boundary while I made jokes about myself?
Thanks man! Yeah, I'm getting ready to set forth on a serious journey mentally and physically. I'm preparing to compete at a world level competition in March/april and I need my mind and body right.
I supported my wife through all the stuff she wanted to do, and I AM a good Father, Husband and man. If her mind/eyes are clouded I can't change that it's her who has to live with her choices and inability to ackowledge what everyone around says. NOT ME, they say it... I take pride in being good! I want to be great! I try to walk the path and walk the walk. I love life! I love my family and I need to love ME again.
Don't be self deprecating in front of her. Stop it. She doesn't respect that. Trust me. One of my first boundaries was no making jokes about me. They just don't seem so funny from a woman who's been bopping someone else right? And how can I expect her to respect that boundary while I made jokes about myself?
DONE!
I know. And so begins the process. The hard part is going to be the validating, holding your tongue, keeping happy etc. Also, and this is big, figuring out what you did or didn't do in your m that contributed to it not being healthy. I mean, I think about the kissing part a lot. Personally. It was telling me something. You don't want to be the guy that that would ever happen to again. You need to make those changes, but not for her, for you, or they won't stick. Need to start doing the opposite. Think about the stuff she made fun of you for or yelled at you for or mentioned positively about others. You can figure it out.
I feel good, I really do right now.. just feel like I know my path and such. It's good to know, walking this path with a positive attitude and good thoughts. I know ups and downs, but I hope this is the start.
Now she on the other hand is saying nothing really, nothing especially about the A or us. No apologies no nothing. I'm not contacting her, I answer but don't initiate. No I love you's no nothing. I can't do anything for her at this point... she's not my priority and obviously I'm not her's because she's obviously not doing anything to make things better. As was said earlier, I thin she's waiting it out.. yet she doesn't think that this is not something you just push under the carpet.
I wonder what happened? I feel like I've found the inner thoughts and phrases I keep repeating to myself, and the realization that 'HEY! I AM A GOOD MAN! I AM A GOOD FATHER! I AM MORE THAN A SAFETY BLANKET! MORE THAN HER CHEARLEADER! I DESERVE TO BE LOVED THE WAY I LOVE!"
It's like BAM! Either I started believing it or I just realized this! no more being codependent! No more being the door mat wanting to be loved.. My kids love me and respect me and know what a great father i am! That's what counts!
She needs to win me back, and she's not showing me anything. ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS!
She chose another person over me, an schemed for a couple months to go and be with this guy, and never thought of me! Never thought of what I would feel or how betrayed and hurt I am! And didn't think of what it would do to our family! This is now OUR AFFAIR, and WE have to deal with it and not just brush it under the carpet.
I can tell you the fact that I'm not initiating texts, talk or hugs etc, she is taking notice.
Good man, but you still got a lot of work and a lot of bad feelings to work through. And they are going to hit you hard. And they will hit her hard. Why do you think she stopped kissing you? Had the affair? What was she feeling? What was she lacking? What did she want from you that she wasn't getting? This is also stuff you need to know and it will make you sick and hate her and you will need to let her get it out. It will try you, trust me. You should try a db coach here to help you too.
I know... but she won't say or do anything right now. I mean, look I know and have known I've been an oversite to her for a few years now... it just came to a head and man now, I'm like forget that! I deserve so much better, I do! I'm ok if it doesn't work sadly.. she's not willing to work on us after I'm willing to try an move on after this crap? Then we have a major issue and i will not stand for it.
I'm already just blown up by her actions... I don't know that I'll love again really, and never as much as I loved her. and I know trusting someone the way I trusted her prior to her A will never happen again. I have to work through all of this, and have to work through alot, but that's fine! I'll be an EVEN BETTER MAN in the end.
I'm already just blown up by her actions... I don't know that I'll love again really, and never as much as I loved her. and I know trusting someone the way I trusted her prior to her A will never happen again. I have to work through all of this, and have to work through alot, but that's fine! I'll be an EVEN BETTER MAN in the end.
Try not to think of future love stuff, because that is far, far down the road. Get yourself straight first. It may take a long time just to be in the right place to date again. I know that if my W goes ahead with the divorce, I won't be ready. I am just now learning to walk again.
I'm already just blown up by her actions... I don't know that I'll love again really, and never as much as I loved her. and I know trusting someone the way I trusted her prior to her A will never happen again. I have to work through all of this, and have to work through alot, but that's fine! I'll be an EVEN BETTER MAN in the end.
Try not to think of future love stuff, because that is far, far down the road. Get yourself straight first. It may take a long time just to be in the right place to date again. I know that if my W goes ahead with the divorce, I won't be ready. I am just now learning to walk again.
I'm not looking past right now! I'm realizing that I AM WORTHY OF MORE! Loving someone so much and they take you for granted and then totally defies you and just looks at you as an afterthought, just makes me open my eyes. I need to be good for me for my kids!
I'm training hard, and reading a couple books "5 love languages" and "the power of positive thinking", and I've gone back to Church.. strong mind strong body strong soul.
Saw this in the "there is a light" thread and MAN it's great to see this! When you're drudging through this mess to hear something like this and reaffirm what I'm thinking and that he found success is awesome!
"The moment you stop letting your spouse dictate your emotions, your thoughts, and your actions you will start to power through this storm of your life. I can't emphasize enough that it isn't easy, and im by no means fully recovered and skipping through life. You control your happiness, not your spouse. "
Do you know where the M stands now? Is she saying she's ready to do the hard work? Is she willing to have full disclosure of her phone, IPad, email, etc.?
Transparency is a must! It is for her, as much as it's for you. You cannot trust her at the moment. She will go through a hard time of withdrawals from the A/OM. Anything from him, a picture, seeing him across the street.....hearing his name.....anything can set her back to square one again.
You need to be able to look at her phone without notice. No warning, no scheduled time....just pick it up at any given time to look through her messages. Do not give her time to delete her messages. Know what I mean? If she is not willing to cooperate, then she's deceiving you. She needs to give an account of her whereabouts, who she's with, etc. Most women frown on this very much. The point is not to make her feel shame, or like you are punishing her, or treating her as a child. She would need to understand how transparency works and that it is to help her get back on the right track of getting the MR healthy again. You need it to build the trust again, and she needs it to guide her through the withdrawal period.
Some men will say that a PA is a dealbreaker for them. However, EA's are just as serious to women, b/c we are emotional based creatures and that's what EA's are all about. So, your M is not safe, just b/c she's not having an PA.
Let me state that it is very important that she goes through the process of having remorse, apologizing, and having the desire to do anything you say in order to save the M. Do not just assume that since she ended the A that she is over it and now things will resume back to way they use to be. Not true.
Do not allow her to come back into the MR too easily. In other words, if she's not willing to agree to a transparency plan, seek a solution-based MC, and put forth the necessary effort in saving this M, then do not agree to her terms. And listen, her attitude tells EVERYTHING! You know your W better than anyone. You can tell if her attitude is what it should be, or not. If she says, "Okay, I'm sorry!" but she uses that bad attitude tone of voice......look out. She's not there yet.
Now she on the other hand is saying nothing really, nothing especially about the A or us. No apologies no nothing. I'm not contacting her, I answer but don't initiate. No I love you's no nothing. I can't do anything for her at this point... she's not my priority and obviously I'm not her's because she's obviously not doing anything to make things better. As was said earlier, I thin she's waiting it out.. yet she doesn't think that this is not something you just push under the carpet.
She has to work out her issues, and she'll need your support....as much as you can give it. By that, I mean if she's serious about reconciling, then both of you will need to talk about what led her down that path. At some point, both of you must make the MR a priority in order to heal. It should be a healthy priority and not a codependent relationship.
Yes, you may be correct about her wanting to just wait it out. Not many WW's are eager to do the hard stuff, that I know about. Who would want to do that stuff? However, it's necessary.
At the moment, don't worry that you aren't hearing ILY, b/c she's not emotionally ready. You are in a delicate position of giving her support without smothering her. If she feels you emotionally pressuring her.....she'll pull away. (Like saying ILY to hear it back.)
Again, if she's serious about reconciling, her main work will be on herself. She will not have the emotional strength to immediately throw herself into the MR. She has to get OM out of her head, first. It was months before I could get my OM out of my mind, although I had ended all contact.
I think you do need some type of explanation from her very soon, to know where the M stands. If you wait around too long, you will fall into the land of limbo. It's terrible.
Tell me, does she act depressed, withdrawn and sad? Is she acting the same as usual?
Sandi, I'll reply more when I get home tonight but here's some ofyour answers:
She has given me FULL disclosure, she ended it right after the PA happened (out of guilt, she felt ashamed she said). She hasn't talked to him since he reached out to her in May and it was a short conversation from what I saw. She said she was ashamed that it happened, because I'm such a great father, husband etc.(Obviously not good enough) We have transparency, she went to a jewelry party stuff like that. I know her schedule too..
Now as far as PA goes, I told her before 1 and done.. but I love her, I' m in love with her. I personally believe she loves that I'm always there for her and supportive etc, I'm a safety blanket. THERE ARE BIGGER issues, she won't address with me. We are in MC and i'm not sure I have hope for us.
Now I have done as the 37 points said, I've not chased her, texted her, hugged her or initiated anything.. I will not! She start the conversation etc. I will not smother her. I am not chasing after her, she has to win me back. I'm trying to follow those steps. At the same time I'm more concentrated on me. She never did so now it's time for me. I'm not going to make sure she's happy and comfortable, I'm not going to worry about her simply because she didn't worry about me. I'm in a zone where I'm feeling good because I know I did MORE than my part!
She has unfortunately not done anything, and I believe because she's emotionally unable too. Just like she hasn't kissed me romantically in 10 years, she stopped.. this is some of the issues that were red flags before. I would pursue her nothing.. It's sad really. I think she thinks its just going to go away, but it's not.. she needs to know that she needs to win ME back. Not to be arrogant, but I'm a good man by plan! I follow a path, I selflessly for all try to do good.
She doesn't say sorry or anything. When the counselor and I brought up the EA she said nothing.. I will do this with good intentions for a bit, but I WILL NOT WASTE MY LIFE FOR HER!
As they say "dont take a good man for gratned... because someday somebody else will come by and appreciate what you didnt'.." sadly, I'm afraid this is going to happen out of her stubbornness and reluctance to help herself and us. I am not going to just brush this under the carpet, i have too much at stake! I'm not getting younger and frankly i deserve to be loved as I love with an open heart and soul... I know it's a pipe dream but maybe I'll find someone one day that truly loves me.
thanks!
Oh the EA started about this time last year, PA March. she ended it shortly there after. I found a picture of a conversation between them in September, then another almost 2 weeks ago.
Sandi thanks and everyone else too I really need your guidance!
Respect!
Hello ktfo,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
You have a lot of really good things working in your favor right now. I'm glad that you recognize there are bigger issues in your M. Many of your online friends (Ohgreat already mentioned this) will agree that Divorce Busting coaches will give you the best advice on how to save your marriage and keep your family together.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
Hey man, wednesday night I was struggling with the thinking about the "thing" and it really messed me up, went for a walk about 1130 (mind you I ran 5 miles at lunch, trained kickboxing for an hour then jiu jitsu for 1 1/2 hours.. anyways, I came home from the walk I went upstairs grabbed my pillow and was going to just go sleep on the couch. She asked where are you going... well we talked, for about 45 mins and it was a good talk. My wifes not the most outgoing person in the world, but she showed her pain and remorse for what she did. She didn't say it she showed it. It was a good night and yesterday was good. Last night it was all dreams about "IT" .. and man I woke up miserable. so I left for work, and I texted her and told her why I was off this morning and that I hope we have a great weekend.
I don't want to think about IT.. it's ours we have to own it, and work to get through it. I wish I could suffer selective memory loss like Jim Carrey in eternal sunshine of the spotless mind...
Thanks!
Hello ktfo,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
You have a lot of really good things working in your favor right now. I'm glad that you recognize there are bigger issues in your M. Many of your online friends (Ohgreat already mentioned this) will agree that Divorce Busting coaches will give you the best advice on how to save your marriage and keep your family together.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
Thanks Cristy!
These ups and downs are the worst... loving someone who picked someone else in an EA/PA even 1 physical time is dibilitating. I keep pushing physically with workouts, jiu jitsu etc... Last night I taught a jiu jitsu class and I felt great after! euphoric! Then as I sit, while she's upstairs and it percolates.. then I'm trying to sleep and all I see is IT. SMH + FML Lol... We have counseling tomorrow and frankly, I know we need to go but there's times where I say i don't know, I know forgetting is the worst. Wanting to shake this and just move forward is tough.
I've been writing my log and writing more songs than I've written in a long time. I see a lot of time playing my guitar and tracking these lyrics.. As my buddy said (we're friends on a forum, don't know him face to face but he's been through this) "the hardest part is the time alone, the time it's just you. When you're at work, or driving to/from work (I have an 1:15hr drive) where it beats you up.
We're doing the right things and I Pray that they work out.
I felt human last night, I felt as if I was ME. I slept even, not awaken by thoughts of visions etc. I'm beginning to believe that wondering WHY when there maybe no actual answer but she f'd up and she knew it and she ended it, could be the thing that kicks my ass. We need to say NEVER, never again can we let this happen again. We need to improve US.
At counseling on saturday, she didn't say much again and as usual I did most of the talking. Well I was a bit annoyed and I vented a little bit. I could see how upset she was, how sad she was.. I'm trying to put the pieces together of me, and we are working on us. She's doing the little things which is awesome.
I'm trying to get ME back, trying to stop my thinking of IT... I'm trying to heal. I love her, and I hope we can get through this and she does too.
So I shared something with her this morning this is word for word from the email I sent her, I thought she should know. If you're not religious please be kind and understand:
Last couple nights, I actually felt good almost normal when I went to bed, in fact I got a decent nights sleep for the 1st time in a long time. I’m starting to realize that wondering and asking “why” is like wrestling with a shark with my hands tied. That maybe is something to address some other time or say that’s for you to workout and make sure that there is never a why again. I’m still obviously dealing with the hurt and pain, it’s going to take time but at least I’m starting to feel a little bit normal, and maybe I’m starting to see that there is hope.
I want to share this last Christmas when we were at church I prayed excessively to God the whole time we were at mass, I asked please give you and me the strength and ability to make US right. I feared and had an idea of what was going to be, but didn’t believe it. When i went to mass last weekend, I took a knee and I said “God the last time I was here, I asked for strength for us and look what happened… how? why?” Father came out and before starting mass spoke to the congregation and said “if you are here because you want to strength to forgive someone you love.” He said other things, but that was the one… “I looked up and said, and I believe.. “this is our test, this is the hardest path we will have to follow to test us and our love for each other our Faith. “ That was when I felt, that this as f*ked up as it is is our opportunity to do it the right way, to love each other as we need, to build US as a better us! This is his way of giving us what I asked for, that we have to feel the lowest, the worst we can for us to have the best! That we will be better and that we need to rebuild US. It's crazy how he works!!!! I always remember you saying after you broke up with me you asking God how could this happen?
Last thursday i was talking to 2 guys I know here one is a pastor and we spoke as we walked back from the gym and he talked about a reading from the bible (this is after I spoke about going to church and how it was amazing how the words spoken were the words I needed)... he said “when David and his guys were walking and struggling and for days that God was there, Jesus saw and once he saw that he was really needed He came to them and gave them the path they needed after doing the hard work.” It fits us.
My faith is strong, even though we don’t go to church, my faith is strong and this has renewed my Faith and my faith in us too. I'm working hard to fell better, to be ok for the holidays.
When you said “Love you and please be mine forever:)".. I loved that!!!!!! You have no idea how little treats like that make me feel.
I hope the above makes sense, and you believe it as I do. I love you very much, and I am yours forever till the day I leave this earth! My heart and soul is yours as I hope the same for you...
+++++++
Her response:
I am glad you are feeling better about things. I want the holidays to go well and for you to enjoy them. I love you.
Then via text she said: everything happens for a reason and that she believes what I said that this could make us stronger.
*******
Is it unrealistic for me to expect a better response? LOL It pissed me off to tell you the truth.
I'm in a funk right now, feeling a bit ANGRY! Felling like why should i do this? gRanted I love her alot, but maybe I should maybe look at something else.
It makes me feel alot of times like she's upset she got caught more than anything... she say she's ashamed but I'm like where the f* was that when you were chatting? Then setting up a plan to go down and run a marathon and meet this f*k... UGH! Man I'm angry right now... Turkey day tomorrow and I could give a f*k.
KTfo, I am somewhat hesitant to say this, b/c I don't want you think I'm trying to pull down your faith. I have been on sides, as a faithful Christian and as a wayward sinner. I am going to just spit it out. You aren't the first man and won't be the last to turn to God when he is scared and doesn't know what else to do. You want God to make things right in your M. I get it.
I am not here to offend you or hurt your feelings. More than that, I don't want to see misplaced faith. I really do want to see you brow spiritually. Many people use what they see as "faith" or "believing" or "prayer"..........much like someone would rub a lamp and expect a genie to grant their wish. Of course, we know that God is not some magical genie, Santa Clause, a Christmas miracle, or whatever. Trust me, people have tried to bargin, make deals or promises, just to get what they want from God. However, God doesn't work that way, and man usually makes things worse for himself, by trying to help God. The scripture says, "All things are possible with God", and I believe it. So please don't misunderstand that point. If God doesn't do it, man can usually look no further than his own heart to see why.
God created man and woman to have free volition. He could have set it up where we had no choices at all. So many times I have heard people ask God "why" did He let this or that happen, or why didn't He give them what they asked of Him. God gets blamed a lot, right? Anyway, having free volition plays a huge part in the scheme of things in our lives.
There are, at least, three things to keep in mind. One is that when we pray, it has to be within the will of God and not contrary to His Word. Second is that every person involved in your situation and around you and your W has free will. Third, God will take care of you and do what's best for you.....even if you can't see it. before you jump to the wrong presumption, yes, God wants your M to be saved. It doesn't mean He's going to make your W do something against her own volition. See what I mean? However, He certainly can work circumstances around effectively. Our part is making sure we are in the center of His will.
In all honesty, to a WW, your letter is a lot of emotional pressure. You are telling her about how you are placing all this faith in God to do this & that in the MR.........which obviously includes her. That places pressure on her! Does she not do what you told her you are praying about, and therefore, take a chance in totally destroying your faith? Does she succumb, and just grit her teeth and try to get through one more Christmas? If I were in her shoes, I would be FURIOUS with you! I would accuse you of being unfair and pulling the religion card, b/c that is exactly what you have done to her.
Let me give you a hint as to how I know you were using it. You wrote this long, emotional email. Then you anxiously awaited her answer. She did not respond the way you expected. Yes, you were stocked full of expectations.......and I am not talking about faith-based ones, either. You took the entire thing out of God's hands and took it upon yourself to apply the pressure on your W. sorry, but that's not faith. Faith is when you leave it all up to God, without trying to help Him. It pi$$ed you off that that's all she had to say? Really!
I'm in a funk right now, feeling a bit ANGRY! Felling like why should i do this? gRanted I love her alot, but maybe I should maybe look at something else.
Do you think God would answer your prayer after you having this attitude? Admit it, you used it just like a charm piece. Even if your heart was right when you prayed, I think you could say you kind of messed up. Get your own heart right, and then leave her to get her heart right with God. You can't pressure her like you did. You can pray for her, privately, but don't turn around and tell her. (More pressure). Then rest in the Lord. Keep your own heart and life clean, do what is right unto the Lord, and leave the rest up to Him. Let Him impress her heart. He doesn't have to have you to do it for Him.
In true faith, you would not have these kind of feelings, b/c you would be depending on what God could do, instead of what you can do. You would not react negatively when things do 't go like you wanted it. Who knows, maybe God is allowing you to learn a lesson here?
Please don't see my words as judgmental, but hopefully, as another Christian trying to help you learn and grow. ((hugs))
Sandi, I love this response. Let go and let God. Easier said than done! Very well stated and I don't see it as offensive at all.
Thanks again for this explanation.
Not offensive at all and it was just me saying look this is the path to being better. That's all..no pressure teally. It was something that I experienced an presented...more and more I get the feeling should stfu and it's probably true. I'm a wreck and saw light that's it really. I'm just looking for hope. I'm black and white. I don't expect anything from her. I know now what the deal is. I wanted to share hope. Maybe that's wrong, no pressure no nothing. .. I'm battling for peace of mind in a fd up situation. I'm done sharing with her if thats what is thought. Thanks for your help
it's hard to just let go and let God bc we don't see His master plan. We're fixers and we want to fix. But God doesn't need our help. God has a plan for us that is better than we could imagine. " I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper and not to harm. Plans of hope and of a future."
I'm more writing this for myself. I have to repeat this verse to myself dozens of times a day. I also find myself giving my M and my W over to Him several times a day.
It's out of my hands. I've done all I can do
If you can try to understand that she is not feeling the same hope. Maybe you didn't know it was pressure to her. I am not saying you were intentionally trying to pull her into the same place with you, but surely in your heart you knew that's what you wanted. That's why you felt so let down, afterwards. Anyway, I was trying to tell you from her viewpoint.
I suggest you step back for a few days, so that she can see that you aren't going to press her.
I remember a time when my H and I were out of church, and when his brother would come around us he would start talking about it. His brother was growing in the church and excited about it, and he wanted us to be like him. However, I avoided him b/c it was pressure and guilt.
In a MR, the emotional pressure is more intimate b/c you read each other. You know each other so well.
When we have a wonderful experience with God, it is natural to want to share that with your spouse. It is also natural to want you and your spouse to walk hand in hand before God. It hurts when your spouse is pulling away and does not want to share this with you. Many Christians have to go to church alone, leaving their spouse at home. It seems to be the most difficult to talk about this to a loved one who has rebellion in their life. Our job is to put them in God's hands, pray for them consistently, and just walk the walk.
We talk about making changes in ourselves. A lot of newcomers want the spouse to see their new changes. That's natural. But again, in the viewpoint of the wayward.......they may not be ready to accept it or want it. Some get angry and say, "Why did you wait till now to change"? Does the newcomer give up and return to their old ways? Not if he's making the changes for the right reasons.
You did the right thing when you poured your heart out to God. You felt refreshed and renewed. However, she didn't have it, b/c her heart is wayward and she has walls around her. It doesn't jive with what God wants, so she naturally will resist it. That was for you, and I know you felt like you hit bottom all over again when she showed no excitement, interest, or give no words of hope. Here's the thing.........you have to do this for you. Live your life before God, and she will see. She will see how you talk, react, handle things, and ost of all, your attitude.
As you can see, I am a talker, too. I have learned that I can keep my mouth closed and just do what I would do if Christ was sitting here beside me. Our actions and attitude speak so much louder than our words.
"Today is the day the Lord hath made. I will be glad and rejoice in it".
((hugs))
it's hard to just let go and let God bc we don't see His master plan. We're fixers and we want to fix. But God doesn't need our help. God has a plan for us that is better than we could imagine. " I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper and not to harm. Plans of hope and of a future."
I'm more writing this for myself. I have to repeat this verse to myself dozens of times a day. I also find myself giving my M and my W over to Him several times a day.
It's out of my hands. I've done all I can do
THanks man, I guess the point I was trying to get across was ... that to have the better relationship you have to hit the bottom and rebuild it.
I don't know his plan none of us do, I do question how this could be part of a plan LOL man this is pretty freaking low!!!! IT's thanksgiving and I"m thankful for 1 thing, and that's going to jiu jitsu at 10am, my kids and a bottle of wine later..
I hope you all have a great and Blessed Thanksgiving.
sandi2, thanks I do understand.. I appreciate your help here.. I'm going to just sit back now, and just be. I'm struggling right now with everything and man, it [censored]! I actually was going through texts looking for a picture I thought I had and scrolled all the way back accidentally to when the A happened and it gutted me again. I almost want to just get rid of my texts..
Have a great thanksgiving, I'm trusting in God's plan although I'm pretty upset THIS is part of it LOL but I have to trust in what the Lord has put in front of me.
Thanks!
If you can try to understand that she is not feeling the same hope. Maybe you didn't know it was pressure to her. I am not saying you were intentionally trying to pull her into the same place with you, but surely in your heart you knew that's what you wanted. That's why you felt so let down, afterwards. Anyway, I was trying to tell you from her viewpoint.
I suggest you step back for a few days, so that she can see that you aren't going to press her.
I remember a time when my H and I were out of church, and when his brother would come around us he would start talking about it. His brother was growing in the church and excited about it, and he wanted us to be like him. However, I avoided him b/c it was pressure and guilt.
In a MR, the emotional pressure is more intimate b/c you read each other. You know each other so well.
When we have a wonderful experience with God, it is natural to want to share that with your spouse. It is also natural to want you and your spouse to walk hand in hand before God. It hurts when your spouse is pulling away and does not want to share this with you. Many Christians have to go to church alone, leaving their spouse at home. It seems to be the most difficult to talk about this to a loved one who has rebellion in their life. Our job is to put them in God's hands, pray for them consistently, and just walk the walk.
We talk about making changes in ourselves. A lot of newcomers want the spouse to see their new changes. That's natural. But again, in the viewpoint of the wayward.......they may not be ready to accept it or want it. Some get angry and say, "Why did you wait till now to change"? Does the newcomer give up and return to their old ways? Not if he's making the changes for the right reasons.
You did the right thing when you poured your heart out to God. You felt refreshed and renewed. However, she didn't have it, b/c her heart is wayward and she has walls around her. It doesn't jive with what God wants, so she naturally will resist it. That was for you, and I know you felt like you hit bottom all over again when she showed no excitement, interest, or give no words of hope. Here's the thing.........you have to do this for you. Live your life before God, and she will see. She will see how you talk, react, handle things, and ost of all, your attitude.
As you can see, I am a talker, too. I have learned that I can keep my mouth closed and just do what I would do if Christ was sitting here beside me. Our actions and attitude speak so much louder than our words.
"Today is the day the Lord hath made. I will be glad and rejoice in it".
((hugs))
Ktfo -
I'm not at all religious, but I want to offer my thought anyway.
It's one thing to "find God" and to "see light". If that's what helps you to get through this time, then great. I'm all for it.
But it's totally another thing to impose this and share this with your W. What you saw and what you believe is for you. From what I can gather, the only reason you shared that with her was with the expectation that she would reciprocate in some way. If you truly did it with no expectations, then you wouldn't have been upset afterwards.
Sandi totally nailed what she wrote up there. Read it a few times before you try to share more of your revelations with your W.
In my mind, I was truthfully trying to just share that I found hope. I'm not a complex guy, I felt bad after because of something else. I'm done sharing. If it was some deep psychological think that I'm not aware of then "ktfo stfu" lol... it's bad enough we are here in this place, I'm not going to compound things.
Everyone here shared their we'll be better thoughts. It's natural and sadly, pointless at best. Here's the thing, she says she wants to work on things but if she means it, she means it like most people say they want to get in shape as a new years resolution. Sure, it would be nice, but you gotta diet, go to the gym and the couch looks so comfy. Your old marriage is the couch. She treated you how she liked and then got to cheat on you when she wanted to get a little boost. So, you can't motivate her to get up. You have to get up so the couch isn't comfy. It's going to take a while man.
Don't bother rationalizing. She's not rational. When she talks you validate. That will make here talk more. And that [censored]. Because she'll tell you what a bad husband you were. And then you'll validate more. Do your 180s. Gal. Then she'll be angry, depressed, angry etc then maybe cone around. You're not going straight to blackberry here. You can't buy it either, but you can earn it. Happy thanksgiving.
Black belt not blackberry
SAndi,
you are an ABSOLUTE gem. We should make ALL your responses required reading for all the newbies. It is so hard being a newbie, but once things start settling down, wonderful new horizons emerge...
How encouraging you are! I always appreciate the kind words.
Hey KTFO,
Just got caught up on your sitch. You and I probably have ears that are shaped the same way, so you've got a kindred spirit on here.
Look at this journey the same way you look at the mat. For the first year, you just got your ass handed to you, then one magical day you tapped the new guy and realized how much progress you made. This journey is going to be no different. You don't know what you don't know till you're far down the road so keep showing up.
This is going to be an awful, gut wrenching, heart crushing journey, but you're on it so make the best of what you've got going on. Just like the mat, watch and learn. Try new moves, if they get you subbed, try a different one. There's no failure here, only learning.
PP
Lol pigpen, yes now shortage of cauliflower here.
Yes it is gut wrenching and brutal and a real test of my abilities. I'm only happy on the mat it's the only place I dont feel the sh8t of this reality. I opened the academy for open mat, as usual and she was saying she needs space. So OK fine, then why did she. Ome train jiu jitsu? Lol I'm annoyed and aggravated and growing to be unaccepting of her bs, her lack of understanding of what she did. Maybe she does understand but I don't know she doesn't say. I feel like staying at the Academy at least it feels like a home
So my wife and I are texting this morning, and how she feels worse everday knowing how hurt i am and such. Anyways, she sends me this:
"It was an isolated incident. I am not looking for something else nor was I. I made a bad mistake and I am paying the consequence, but it [censored]. I want to make it better but you don't need to be better. You are better, stop trying to be better. Stop putting so much pressure on both of us. I need you to be confident in yourself. I need you to know that you are perfectly fine just the way you are. Whatever improvements you think you need should be for your own sake, not mine. Quiet confidence, not cockiness, that's a great turn on. I am full of contradictions, that's who I am. I need you when I feel lousy sometimes, and sometimes I need room to breath. I need to conquer things on my own and I need you to help me sometimes. I need adventure and I need routine. I need family and I need friends. I need to be home but I need to explore the world. I never did I guess. I need good times
together and I need good times apart and that doesn't mean or say anything about us or you. Can you understand that?"
I see some of it as good, but I also see basically "I only want you when I want you" is it me? Someone please let me know if I'm just reading into this.
She said to me I feel horrible about what I did to you. I said what did you think I was going to feeL? How did you this was going be good for us? WTF did you expect me to just say .. oh no worries.. I get it. I asked her "are you upset you got caught or upset that it happened" she said that it happened. Ugh.. wtf how did I get into this situataion LOL.. I'm telling you I'd rather get run over by a car, beat up by 20 guys with bats THAN THIS SH*T
My W doesn't understand what I'm going through, especially with the holidays here. LOL Again, they don't know what they did! She thinks I should be over it or just super improved i'm like it's been 3 weeks confirmed, and since sept 28th that I've found out. And in that time she said no no no no then yes.. LOL
I'm a Christmas junkie and trying to find it in me to just get my spirit going.. but man it's tough! I want to, I want to just say f8k it! But I keep getting these flashing images and she says "you're making all this stuff you think it was up in your head." I said "well wtf I don't know why or what! All I have is what's bouncing around in my head! LOL"
My W doesn't understand what I'm going through, especially with the holidays here. LOL Again, they don't know what they did! She thinks I should be over it or just super improved i'm like it's been 3 weeks confirmed, and since sept 28th that I've found out. And in that time she said no no no no then yes.. LOL
I'm a Christmas junkie and trying to find it in me to just get my spirit going.. but man it's tough! I want to, I want to just say f8k it! But I keep getting these flashing images and she says "you're making all this stuff you think it was up in your head." I said "well wtf I don't know why or what! All I have is what's bouncing around in my head! LOL"
Hey ktfo -
Id recommend watching the TED talk by Esther Perel about infidelity. I think you could get a lot out of it.
I will.
You know my wife and I are texting back and forth today, and again she's like when are you going to improve? I'm like it takes time you did the most devastating thing you can in a marriage it takes time. I mean try being me! WTF
Anyways, I say look we have the opportunity to build a better us, we can take this shitty situation and make us better in the end! it's exciting that we can take us an make us better..plus a bunch of other positive things. I said lets do stuff for us, be selfish for us.. go bowling, go for walks, goto a museum..
She responds with "well I think you want fireworks. You want it to be lovey dovey" I'm like WTF are you talking about? I said, make us better! go bowling goto a movie, go for a walk build US, an where the F*K did I say lovey dovey? So now I'm just pissed off! I want to tell her well maybe if we opened up to each other more and were lovey f*king dovey you wouldn't have strayed! Made that 1x mistake or wtfever you want to call it.
I'm trying to heal, trying to get better, as I said to her simple things trip me up and smack me in the face an get the mind going and racing. I want to get through this and get better and get US better.. but she immiediately reads into things and says you're putting pressure on me (the counselor I maybe doing it).. I wasn't though. I said if you want us to go back to the way we were then we're wasting our time and this is going to happen again you or me. I'm fighting this fight and then getting this BS.. the worst part, was I was starting to feel better today after our earlier talks, then this. Now I'm like why bother! HHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.. I will goto sleep before I get submitted in jiu jitsu, I'm not willing to tapout. I maybe getting there sooner with her than i ever thought, I want this to work.. but I don't know if she get it.
I'm in the belly of hell, the lowest ever looking for light, I see some light and then bam! Why the hell should I bother, where it's almost as if I say hey lets go out to dinner you and me.. her general response would be "that's too much pressure. you just want sex. you just want to be lovey dovey"
hahaha.. I must be crazy as all f*kn hell! lol
someone HELP ME! HAHAHA
I will.
I really think you should. And urgently.
You know my wife and I are texting back and forth today, and again she's like when are you going to improve? I'm like it takes time you did the most devastating thing you can in a marriage it takes time. I mean try being me! WTF
so, youre blaming her? AND playing the victim? Im not sure either of these are helping your cause. Why not just say "Im working to become the man I want to be." Why say anything more than that?
Anyways, I say look we have the opportunity to build a better us, we can take this shitty situation and make us better in the end!
But, isnt it clear that she isnt ready to actually DO anything yet?
it's exciting that we can take us an make us better..plus a bunch of other positive things. I said lets do stuff for us, be selfish for us.. go bowling, go for walks, goto a museum..
So, she cheats on you, and your response is to try to do all of this special stuff to "reconnect"? Thats a LOT of pressure to put on someone that doesnt even know if they want in the marriage...
She responds with "well I think you want fireworks. You want it to be lovey dovey" I'm like WTF are you talking about? I said, make us better! go bowling goto a movie, go for a walk build US, an where the F*K did I say lovey dovey? So now I'm just pissed off!
of course you are. You started this talk with all kinds of expectations and she isnt meeting them.
I want to tell her well maybe if we opened up to each other more and were lovey f*king dovey you wouldn't have strayed! Made that 1x mistake or wtfever you want to call it.
No. Dont say this.
I'm trying to heal, trying to get better, as I said to her simple things trip me up and smack me in the face an get the mind going and racing. I want to get through this and get better and get US better..
What this comes off as is that you need HER help to make YOU better. And she isnt ready to commit to that. What can you do to make yourself better? Have you set goals for yourself?
but she immiediately reads into things and says you're putting pressure on me (the counselor I maybe doing it).. I wasn't though.
Yes. You were.
I said if you want us to go back to the way we were then we're wasting our time and this is going to happen again you or me. I'm fighting this fight and then getting this BS.. the worst part, was I was starting to feel better today after our earlier talks, then this. Now I'm like why bother! HHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.. I will goto sleep before I get submitted in jiu jitsu, I'm not willing to tapout. I maybe getting there sooner with her than i ever thought, I want this to work.. but I don't know if she get it.
Stop. Focusing. On. Her.
Stop. Focusing. On. Your. Marriage.
What are you doing for YOU?
I'm in the belly of hell, the lowest ever looking for light, I see some light and then bam! Why the hell should I bother, where it's almost as if I say hey lets go out to dinner you and me.. her general response would be "that's too much pressure. you just want sex. you just want to be lovey dovey"
Are you listening to ANY of the advice youve gotten here? Have you read Sandi's rules? Have you read the welcome links? At all?
I probably didn't write this so eloquently as I'm annoyed so sorry. She wants this to work, I want this to work. She regrets what she did and is sorry for it. I'm working on me. I'm trying to heal for me. I said trying being me because, she seems to not have the understanding of what she did and the impact on us and me. I don't think she realizes it takes time to heal from this or am I wrong? I have listend, I have taken the advice, I've done alot of the stuff.
HEr constant them is: I want you to be happy. I want us to move on. I'm focusing on me btw, I'm reading, seeing a counselor, and trying to find me again.
I have said "i'm working to become a better me, a better man" I got this response, you don't need to be better you are great the way you are.. she don't do it for me, and I said I'm not doing it for you I'm doing it for me! I need to be better for me.
I probably didn't write this so eloquently as I'm annoyed so sorry.
Dont be sorry to me. Im just responding to the words you put on the screen.
She wants this to work, I want this to work. She regrets what she did and is sorry for it.
She regrets DOING it, maybe. But does she have REMORSE? Judging from the things you write, I think no.
I'm working on me. I'm trying to heal for me.
Are you? It sounds from what you wrote that you are more interested in healing your marriage...
I said trying being me because, she seems to not have the understanding of what she did and the impact on us and me.
This is you trying to mind-read. Im guessing she understands. And you playing the victim doesnt make you ATTRACTIVE to her. What are you looking to achieve by saying that?
I don't think she realizes it takes time to heal from this or am I wrong? I have listend, I have taken the advice, I've done alot of the stuff.
It does take time. But why are you putting so much pressure on HER? You do not need HER in order for YOU to heal...
HEr constant them is: I want you to be happy. I want us to move on. I'm focusing on me btw, I'm reading, seeing a counselor, and trying to find me again.
So then cut it out with all of the dating stuff for now. Focus on you.
I have said "i'm working to become a better me, a better man" I got this response, you don't need to be better you are great the way you are.. she don't do it for me, and I said I'm not doing it for you I'm doing it for me! I need to be better for me.
Why are you bothering to get into this fight. Just say "Im becoming the man I want to be" and call it a day. Theres no way she can argue with that, right? Stop using better/worse/right/wrong, etc. Just be the person you want to be.
I don't know what to say. I don't seem to say a GD thing right or do anything right. Here or with her. I keep trying to do the right thing and it's just wrong.. sorry, I'm annoyed.
Don't feel that we are picking on you. Even MWD says that she may not be able to tell everyone what works, but she knows what doesn't work. Most of us are trying to tell you what doesn't work.
I understand. trust me I do. I seem to find all sorts of what to do's and what not to do's. communicate, don't communicate. talk about your feelings dont' talk aboutyour feelings.
I know what I want. I want to heal. I want to be me again. I'm a happy happy person, a nice caring giving person to all, and right now I'm not me. If I could snap my fingers I would and be over it. I wish I could.
We all do ktfo. The rub is that if we had that power we would never learn from where we are now. I feel some what hypocritical saying this because I also wish it many times.
Im really not trying to come across as mean or harsh. I really just want you to see the impact that your words and actions have. I might be a little blunt sometimes, but I think it's more effective than being extra wordy.
We all want the same thing - for ktfo to be the best version of ktfo possible. Just remember...Everyone here is on your team.
I understand. trust me I do. I seem to find all sorts of what to do's and what not to do's. communicate, don't communicate. talk about your feelings dont' talk aboutyour feelings.
Yeah. You can look out on the internet and find all sorts of theories. Other ones might work or they might not work. I believe in this one.
What for sure WONT work is mixing and matching.
I know what I want. I want to heal. I want to be me again. I'm a happy happy person, a nice caring giving person to all, and right now I'm not me. If I could snap my fingers I would and be over it. I wish I could.
So what do you WANT?
Then we can figure out how to get you there.
I want to not think about the affair, not think of her with another man (it was 1x), I want that to stop! I'll be fine! Then bam I get hit with a vision or thought ,and it's spurred by something simple. Last night at my sons wrestling practice I was showing a picture and video of him at a jiu jitsu competition he won and I was like this is only a week or so after it happened.. and bam right in the shitter I went! I want to heal. I want to feel like me, the only time I feel normal or human is when I'm on the mat and someone's trying to choke me out or arm bar me lol I spent 5 hours sunday at jiu jitsu, came home then went to the gym for an hour. I felt great! it's these other times where I'm not distracted. At work I sit in my cube working on software (boring at times0 and bam I get hit again.
I love my wife alot. She loves me. She says "she was lost mad a terrible mistake and now I'm lost and that hurts her" she ended it right after. I do want us to be better. I really don't want to be with any other woman in my life. it's so stupid, I wish I was a total d*ck and just said up yours and left but thats not me. I truly love her, and I have to find a way within me to accept this and move on and forgive her. I want to for me, us and our family.
We were working together at kick boxing the other night and then at jiu jitsu as well and it was kind of awesome. I didn't see her and what she did, I saw this woman whom I am in love with. I want that back, I know we'll never be what we were and that could be a good thing, we can be better. I hate to think this incredible f*k up could be a good thing but only time will tell. I am working on me! I am doing FOR ME! Cause if it doesn't work out for what ever reason I need to be cool with myself.
I'm 46, best shape of my life, I beat the crap out of guys half my age and do it easily. I'm a decent looking guy, I've had women here at work throw themselves at me and I said no thats' not me. (now i wish I did lol). I think it's hard to believe the woman who I thought would never ever do this, did. And that's hard, because she did make a mistake and I have to find it within me to forgive her.
Dude,
Sometimes the hardest thing to do is nothing, but sometimes that's the right thing to do.
IMO most WWs start from one of two places: they feel neglected or lonely OR they feel like they are the parent. become resentful on both accounts.
Resentment turns to a lack of respect and that causes a W to start looking on the other side of the fence And that's how it starts, just looking, but it can progress very quickly from there.
When they get to that point, they're not looking for "date nights" or romance; when they make that decision, they're basically done with you, they just need to "make sure" that this other guy will pan out, that's why things happen so similarly for all of the people here.
She doesn't know what she wants and you can't expect her to. that's what these guys are saying: YOU have to know what YOU want...
so what does ktfo want? Do you know? and I'm talking about what you want for you, not your W or your M.
WWs and WAWs need to feel a sense of loss; They need to feel like you are moving on with your life, with or without them.
by telling her that you want to do all this romantic stuff, make time for her etc, etc, you are putting pressure on her because she doesn't want that and she already feels guilty about what she's done. All you're doing is making her feel more guilty because she doesn't want what you want. YOU are pushing HER away!!!
The other thing there is that she knows that you want this. She can leave you on the back burner as long as she wants knowing that she can have you whenever she wants. Do we ever want what we can have? If you ate ice cream everyday, would it be a treat anymore?
get a picture of who you want to be. Not who she wants you to be and not who you think she wants you to be.
set some goals. (IE: I want to be more assertive) then come up with a plan of how you will meet those goals. The goals should be specific enough that you will be able to tell when you're making progress.
She can't respect you if she feels like the changes are for her benefit because they won't last
She can't respect you if she knows she can have you whenever she's ready (which, if you keep this up, she's going to decide she doesn't want you)
She will use anything as an excuse to validate her past decisions until she is truly remorseful.
Be the best version of yourself and don't worry about her.
When she's ready or wants to talk, then validate.
Detach. Work on you. Be you. She loved you before, she can again, but you can't force her to do that.
In closing:
Treat her like a pet bird that's flown away... You could chase her from tree to tree but she's just going to keep hopping along. All you can really do is leave a window open. She has to decide she wants this.
I want to not think about the affair, not think of her with another man (it was 1x), I want that to stop!
Stop putting so much pressure on yourself for it to stop. It wont be immediate. It might not be permanent. But at some point, the feelings of betrayal can fade.But you cant rush it.
I'll be fine! Then bam I get hit with a vision or thought ,and it's spurred by something simple. Last night at my sons wrestling practice I was showing a picture and video of him at a jiu jitsu competition he won and I was like this is only a week or so after it happened.. and bam right in the shitter I went!
It happens. But over time, it will be less frequent and less painful. The key is knowing how to get yourself out of it.
I want to heal. I want to feel like me, the only time I feel normal or human is when I'm on the mat and someone's trying to choke me out or arm bar me lol I spent 5 hours sunday at jiu jitsu, came home then went to the gym for an hour. I felt great! it's these other times where I'm not distracted. At work I sit in my cube working on software (boring at times) and bam I get hit again.
It happens. Try putting a rubber band on your wrist. Give it a hard SNAP any time you think about it.
I love my wife alot. She loves me. She says "she was lost mad a terrible mistake and now I'm lost and that hurts her" she ended it right after. I do want us to be better. I really don't want to be with any other woman in my life.
Great. But really. It isnt important right now. Think about an airplane - you have to put your own oxygen mask on before heping others. If you cant breathe, youre no help to anyone. So stop worrying about your W and your M and focus back on you.
it's so stupid, I wish I was a total d*ck and just said up yours and left but thats not me. I truly love her, and I have to find a way within me to accept this and move on and forgive her. I want to for me, us and our family.
Fine. But to get your M back, you need to get YOU back first.
We were working together at kick boxing the other night and then at jiu jitsu as well and it was kind of awesome. I didn't see her and what she did, I saw this woman whom I am in love with. I want that back, I know we'll never be what we were and that could be a good thing, we can be better. I hate to think this incredible f*k up could be a good thing but only time will tell. I am working on me! I am doing FOR ME! Cause if it doesn't work out for what ever reason I need to be cool with myself.
Again. Great. So what are you DOING?
I'm 46, best shape of my life, I beat the crap out of guys half my age and do it easily. I'm a decent looking guy, I've had women here at work throw themselves at me and I said no thats' not me. (now i wish I did lol). I think it's hard to believe the woman who I thought would never ever do this, did. And that's hard, because she did make a mistake and I have to find it within me to forgive her.
Seriously? It really doesnt read to me like youre doing much. It sounds like youre path forward is to try to cover bitterness, betrayal, hurt, and resentment with new, good times with your W.
You SAY you are working on you, but I havent seen anything to suggest that it's true. What are you doing besides beating people up?
Thanks! I know who I want to be and I know what I want to work on and what I am who I want to be.
I have been concentrating on me, and I will continue too, I exist in the house. I don't make her the center of attention by any stretch, she's coming to me 99% of the time. I need my space and I want it.
Azzork. I can say she's the one that wants me to move on, to just get over it. I am the one that has said to her, it's gonna take time it's not overnight thing this recovery. The marriage will be here or it won't, is the way I look at it. I have hope, but there is not guarantee.
And yes, I'm at the academy training or teaching everyday almost and I spend alot of time doing it it's.
Then how am I to work on myself? Love to hear some stuff i should be doing.. Like I said, as far as me I train everyday almost and I spend ALOT of time doing it, phsyically not many guys my age in my shape. It's the mental mojo all f*'d up that I'm stuckin WHEN i'm not training.
Honestly, what should I be doing for me?
Honestly, what should I be doing for me?
I'd start here:
A user on here named CaliGuy recommends making three lists.
1) A list of things you like about yourself
2) A list of things that you dont like about yourself
3) A list of things you notice in other men that you admire
Then, your goal can be to take things from lists 2 and 3 and move them into list 1.
So, can you make the lists? Maybe 5-10 in each? That should give you a starting point.
I'm compiling the list now. I will work on me, thank you all!
KTFO, can you come over here and beat up my H? You might or might not feel better but I think it would help me!
Sorry to make jokes at your expense. What you are feeling is 100% normal, DB'ing is hard because it requires that you act in ways that are counterintuitive.
You are doing a lot of things right, but your emotions are going to get the better of you if you don't find a way to reel them in.
The lists that Azzork suggested are helpful, I did them too. I cultivated close friendships outside of H. I learned to STFU and not react. I am now working on eating better and finding a job. It feels good and these things I did for me. OK, the STFU thing I did for H, but I find it helps me with my kids too, so I am glad I did it.
Hang in there, these marital issues are not easily or quickly resolved. You are in it for the long haul, just accept that you need to focus on yourself while your w works out her [censored]. If she does.
Thanks Pho! and I'd be more than happy to deal someone an a$$woopin right now! LOL
Thanks.. My faults are I'm an open book, I openmy self and dedicate my self to whoever is close to me. I'm way to giving and caring and she took advantage of that. I'm changin that.
I need to be more dickish lol
I think IC could help you through this terrible pain and guide you in healthy steps to finding yourself again. Maybe she needs to see her own IC.
After you get through the biggest hurdle, if W is saying she wants to save the M, then both of you need to see a solution based MC. If you don't, chances are slim in making it.
I'm seeing a personal counselor and will meet her again tomorrow. We also will have our 3rd session together on saturday.
So I had my session on Friday, and she says I have the right plan. You guys have been a help I appreciate that..
Today for me is a down day, it [censored] really. Had a good weekend for the most part..
I was putting flooring in my sons room, when she said to me " people at the gym said they've notice my changes to my physique." I said "I've been saying that I wish you'd listen to me more and realize I'm not making it up" What I wanted to say was if you did listen to me and my opinion then we wouldn't be in this situation.. lol FML.. HOping to to relax a little, get this funk off of me right now.. it's miserable feeling this way.
So, I realized today that I haven't shaved since Sept 28th the day I found the screen shot of a conversation he was trying to have with her. And I'm looking at my beardo looking face as a mask, it's my mask to hide my face and my pain. I guess I'm saying I'll shave it when I feel like me and I'm willing to stop hiding my face. Is that stupid? LOL I'm like I didn't realize I was doing this till this morning haha..
thanks all
Oh yeah, so over the last week people have noticed I've lost weight.. they ask whats up? I cleaned my diet up and working out as well as training and lifting and more cardio.. (I need to be in the 160's for a major competition in April.) I do notice I'm not eating as much as I used too which is good I'm not snacking (I did a bit not much though) and I guess it has taken it's toll this f*n mess I'm in.. lol
KTFO, I think I see you on FaceBook and if that is you I can not believe there is any man out there who would mess with your wife.
KTFO, I think I see you on FaceBook and if that is you I can not believe there is any man out there who would mess with your wife.
Where do you see me on facebook? LOL NOw I'm worried I'm not so annoymous.. and he's lucky he lives in North Carolina.. because he WOULD get a visit.
If you are using the same name then you are not anonymous.
And if some guy in NC gets beat up I won't say a word.
LOL No I'm not
I"ll have to see who this guy is.. Link me I'm curious now LOL
And he's not worth my energy the scumbag.. I'm not risking what I've worked so hard for over some trolling scum.
I guess it's a set back today is 1 month since the official finding out. I had a rough day and night even training. I came home dropped stuff off and just went to the shower and broke down. Man I hate that.. then got pissed and punched my shaving mirror. Fu##ING blood everywhere lol what an ass. I hate that I l9 e this woman. If I was a bad husband, father person I could understand I did what I was supposed to do... Good guys finish last and man I feel less than last right now. Happy fking anniversary dday.. FML. I'm sick of feeling.
Those days are going to come friend, when you least expect them. But let yourself have those moments and process them. That way they don't eat at you and build bitterness and resentment. You don't need that right now. Grab your bootstraps, wipe your eyes and crush it!
Thanks Nate... I'm starting where I left of before the breakdown last night. It's all I can do
Hi Ktfo. Just adding my support. Stay strong buddy. This time will pass Know that and know you will come out the other side
Take care. Rd
RD Thanks man!!!! It's appreciated the support you all give me.. these lows are the worste, I cherish the moments of somewhat normalcy.. I train to clear the brain!
More Jiu Jitsu in my future lol
Please start a new thread