Keeping the door cracked - DivorceBusting.com

One blessing that has come from being separated from H is spending more time with my elderly mom. Taking a break and spending the night with her tonight.

beckyb - thank you for stopping by my thread. I am going to give reframing my mind around my already being divorced like you suggested.

I am happy that you are getting to spend time with your Mom, it is a shame you weren't able to do that before. I hope you had a good holiday.

How was your mum beckyb.

Sometimes parents can drive us nuts but occasionally they have words (only one or two

) of wisdom, did she impart any of them this time round?

Mom was good. She is an extreme worrier and can drive me crazy but she can also be very wise. When I'm there I can lay on the sofa and read magazines and not do anything.

She is not in the best health and doesn't get out much. She loves it when we stay over.

She ask if I was going to put up a Christmas tree. I said I didn't think so. Maybe just a few simple decorations. (I usually go all out). She reminded me a loved Christmas before I met H and not to let him steal my joy. She said she just knew I had a lot of joy coming my way.

It was very nice of her but I am skeptical.

I really miss my H when I'm traveling for business. Nobody to text or call when I get in at night.

Becky I am sure your visit was very special to your mother. And I think she is right, you should go all out for Christmas. If it feels to lonely decorating your house, maybe you should go decorate for your mom. Or go to a nursing home or women's shelter or somewhere where they will appreciate the decorations and you can share the fun?

Just a thought.

I was just typing what Pho said and then hit the back button accidentally. I say go all out. I know what you are thinking becky, I thought it too but I won't let him take away my favorite time of year. He took Easter from me (this year) with his BD. Christmas will be spent making my S appreciate the tree and the decorations and watching Polar Express 100 times.

Pho, my company shuts down from the 24th through New Years. I actually think I'm going to pack up the cat go to my mom's until the 27th when my sister's and I are going to Nashville for 5 nights. We are excited.

I'm so annoyed and upset. The electric bill is H's name. I told him several weeks ago he had to call and change it. Now that he's done an address change it went to his new apartment so he texted me about it. I told him I would call again and that the bill was automatically paid.

Then is accidentally texted me instead of OW to say "Becky said she would change the address and the bill was automatically changed" Ooops

Makes me wonder if she is pushing him to deal with these things.

Becky, sorry to say it, but more than likely. In the OW's eyes they've won. Never mind the fact that their prize is a person showing extremely poor character and judgement. There is something wrong with these women...we're not talking about good people.

Try not to worry about it. You're a woman of strength and character, easily worth more than a thousand of her. Both of them are broken.

Not feeling very detached today. Thinking a lot about OW and how she has taken my place. I feel like H has it good right now. He is expending no effort or resources toward the D but living happily with her. Someone remind me why I am not pushing to get this settled.

You don't believe in D. You love your H. You realize his mind is clouded at the moment. You are patient and loving, as well as determined to really honor your vows. OW is a miserable human being - one day H will see that.

A thanks for the kind words. Ironically H's 1st wife cheated repeatedly and is still married to her last lover.

I get very discouraged because he is giving up so much for OW. She must hold very strong attraction. I have to remind myself that H is deeply depressed and has experienced a lot of trauma. Truth is he is not capable of being any different without a lot of help. It would be a very long road back. I would probably be better of accepting the one inevitable and moving on. Just can't do it quite yet.

Becky, your situation is still pretty young. You have been through so much in such a short time. Be kind to yourself, of course you are still having hard days. As with everyone, it seems like the times when we focus our thoughts on our spouse we have a harder day. What can you do for yourself today?

Pho, I'm flying home from Seattle today so not much to do. I did get a chair massage in the airport. I definitely need to refocus on the goals.

Becky, I am planning my trip to Iceland and also practicing my singing- singing along to Taylor Swift and every song reminds me of my situation so I end up emotional but its good. I just sang along to the acoustic version of Are We out of the Woods and I am crying, so embarrassing. Guess you can't burst into song during the flight.

Maybe you should get on Pinterest and look for some Christmas decorating ideas. I am currently making an awesome christmas wreath out of wine corks. I need to drink 50 more bottles of wine before Christmas though, it takes a lot of corks. So both the drinking and the wreath will keep me busy.

Drinking and crafting. I like it.

I mostly listen to Christian music these days cause everything else makes me cry. I was watching the CMA's last night and had to turn it off when Little Big Town sang Girl Crush. It will get better some day.

I have plenty to occupy me for the next week include a quick girls trip this weekend to take my mind off things.

Becky, the Christian music gets me emotional too. I have had the song "You're a good father" (not sure of the name of it) in my head for about two weeks now and every time the line "You tell me that you're pleased, and that I am never alone" I lose it and sob. My kids think I am crazy. My D says "that has to be a God song because its not about Dad." LOL. She is right, but such a brat.

Glad you are keeping busy. Sorry you have to. I am so looking forward to the day when I can say "wow, I have a light week this week, I can enjoy myself and have quiet downtime." Right now downtime means my mind goes go places that are not helpful.

Good song and I hear you about the down time.

I'm off to a short getaway with my sisters. We usually laugh a lot so it will be good.

I'd love to stay home and rest but too much time on my hands in not a good things these days.

Question: How will my husband miss our me and our marriage if he is already living with, and planning a life with, someone else? I know it's possible but very unlikely. I must stay focused on moving ahead.

Have a great weekend everyone.

Becky have a great time. I had a sisters weekend last weekend, we laughed so hard it was a good ab workout. Even though I was exhausted when I got home I felt safe and relaxed the whole time we were together. Enjoy!

That's a good question Beckyb as I'm in the same situation as yours and I don't see how H could miss me or his kids when he's with OW and her kids.

We can only move forward and think that the good days are ahead of us :-)

Becky, but isn't OW supposedly dying from some illness? I don't think H is planning a life with her, I think he wants to be her "knight in shining armor" and he isn't really thinking long term here. OW is really needy and he likes feeling like a hero, and this is all a big dramatic distraction and a huge ego boost. Not real love. Ego.

My two cents. He is in for a very big fall no matter what happens- if OW gets really sick, well, that's no fun. If she dies, then he is all alone, and if she miraculously gets better, well, then he is stuck with someone who is no longer in need of a rescuer.

I hope you have the best of times with your sisters!

Sisters and I laughed, shopped ate and drank. It was good. Now to unpack and get ready for the week. I definitely need to refocus on my goals.

Thanks for the continued encouragement. I need to remember that H is really broken right now. I need to focus on me. The rest is in God's hands.

Glad you had fun. And you are right. Focus on yourself and have faith that God can help your H.

Wishing you the best

How can I use this as a DB opportunity?

H wants to come over on Wednesday and the weekend to pack up stuff in his workshop. I told him I would leave the basement door unlocked Wednesday and Sunday. I am working Wednesday but planned to be home Sunday afternoon to get the garage organized. However, I think I'll leave. It just upsets me so much to be around him.

H has not send in positive signals in 3 weeks. Thoughts?

How am I going to survive all the contact I have to have with him to get our lives sorted out?

I don't know how you all survive living with someone in an A. I could not do it for a lot of reasons.

I would leave and avoid him completely. Why put yourself through the pain of having to interact with him. I am sorry Becky.

Mostly just journaling...

I am feeling so emotional and weepy. I'm very lonely and sad. I'm tired of GAL. I just want to sleep - if only I could sleep an entire night.

Maybe now that things have calmed down the reality of my situation is hitting me harder. Also, a lot of my support system has gone on with their lives, which is fine. They don't quite understand that my life is still in shambles.
Knowing that H will be in the house tomorrow and Sunday packing stuff is making me extra emotionally. It's also messing with my Sunday plans but this needs to be done.

I do not want to be alone. I just hate the thought.
I'm feeling frantic about the future. Where I should live? Should I buy a house or a condo? or rent? What if I lose my job? Ugh. I trust God and I will be ok. Sometimes the thoughts just overwhelm.

I need to get back to journaling and walking. Instead I'm easting candy bars. Very bad. I wish now I had joined the local Divorce Care group. I'll have to wait until January now.

Also waiting to see what happens when his L gets my proposal about selling the house. Too much hanging in the balance. I don't like it.

H is finally moving some stuff out of the basement and acknowledging that he has to be involved in the sale of the house. On one hand it makes me sad because it feels like we are really moving on. On the other hand I'm glad because I really need to get out of that house.

Many steps to go and I have no idea how he will respond to my proposal about splitting profit and expenses.

Well if it's like my H he won't appreciate it but you have to look after yourself Beckyb as you are the MOST important person at the moment. I'd say (I know easier said than done), think about splitting house sale as a business transaction! Wouldn't you try to get the best deal for you?

Rouky, it is a transaction. And I am only asking for what is fair. He is not helping with the mortgage or any expenses. I want they equity I put in back and part of the expenses. We'll see. I'm also asking for 55% of the profits because he is a cheating SOB who left me to care for a big house and yard!

Like me big house, a dog and a big garden. I haven't told H year as L advised me to do it once we have an offer in house! She says no need to chow my cards so early!

Getting too emotional and communicating too much. I need pull back again! H has finally rented more storage and has started moving stuff out of the basement. Yesterday I was home for a bit when he was here. I asked him a question about shutting off the outside faucets and he offered to take care of one of them for me. That his the first thing he has offered to take care of in months. However, I could have figured out myself and probably shouldn't have asked.

I told him I would be sorting through the Christmas decorations this weekend and asked if he wanted a tree. He said he didn't have room. I told him I would set aside a few things that came from him mom. I didn't need to tell him that. I could have just done it.

Today he texted to ask if he could come for about an hour on Saturday to get some things. I said yes but my sisters will be here so it might be interested.

Here's the thing that really breaks my heart. He has a 6 year-old grandson. I was his grandma. Now he is gone and I probably will never see him again. He has a lot of toys at my house and ask H if he wanted them. He said grandson asks for them when he visits. He wanted to sort them out together. I can't do that. It would kill me. I texted back that I would put all the toys in the basement for him. I reacted to quickly and with too much emotion.

We are moving into a phase where we will have to communicate about a lot logistics. I don't know how I will survive it.

Becky, I am so sorry about your grandson! Is there any way you can still visit him? I am sure he misses you too. Of course you are emotional, it is ok, you are being too hard on yourself.

Pho, Grandson doesn't have the most stable home life. My stepson only has him every other weekend. I have ask to see him but nothing so far. In the long run it may be best for him. If H marries OW, the last thing grandson needs is yet another grandma to keep track of. It makes me so sad.

Believe it or not you were on my mind this morning. You have so much to deal with. I am praying that the next few months will bring you great clarity and peace.

Thank you Becky. I can use all the prayers I can get. Sometimes I feel so strong, and then other times I am just knocked to my knees by the pain of it all. I know you understand.

Thank you.

I just found H was in a car accident and was taken to the hospital. So weird and upsetting.

How did you find out? Any word yet?

My SIL told me. She and BIL were AR hospital. He is ok. Some damage the truck.

Well, I'm glad he's okay. It would be weird, though. I hope nothing like that happens to my H anytime soon...I wouldn't be able to fake concern, or hide my delight and wishes for his death, and the kids would be really mad at me.

Not being a very good daughter of God today. I'm praying time and distance help with that problem...

It's becoming clearer and clearer that there will be no reconciliation and that I am better off.

H had a car accident and went to the hospital and he didn't contact me until later. Very unsettling but but I didn't completely freak out. He wasn't seriously injured. The truck did sustain damage and I suspect it will affect my insurance.

H is steadily moving the rest of his things. In the process I see that he was not dealt at all with his hoarding behavior. It may have gotten worse. Anything he thinks I am going to donate or sell he wants to "sort through". Even its junk. He is paying a lot of money every month to store things he will never use. He has a real problem.

He took something from the house today that he had to know was special to me. It's something he search all over the city a couple of years ago to find for me. I texted him, "I noticed you took the nativity." H: "Was I not supposed to?" Me: "I thought you would leave it for me although we never specifically talked about." No response.

Last week I got back on track with a few goals. I think I need to narrow my focus. Onward.

"Forget about what�s happened; don�t keep going over old history. Be alert, be present. I�m about to do something brand new. It�s burting out! Don�t you see it?" Isaiah 43:18-19a (The Message)

In the next couple of days my L will be sending a proposal about the sale of the house. H doesn't know what I'm asking for but he said he thought what we would each want is very far apart. He is stuck on the fact that we used money from a job buy-out as our down payment. He thinks he's owed more. Legally is was all marital property. I'm having some anxiety anticipating his response.

Luckily I'm in sunny southern California on business this week. I decided to have a drink and snack at the bar to practice striking up a conversation. A married older gentleman sat near me. I figured it was harmless so after a while I said hello. We had a nice chat. It was good practice for me. Plus the fancy blackberry cocktail was delicious. (actually 2 cocktails.)

I'm realizing all the things I did to drive my H away. Honestly I probably wouldn't come back to me either. Unfortunately I don't think I'll ever get the chance to show him that I understand and that I can be different.

Becky, I am sure you are being hard on yourself. None of us is perfect. If he had issues with you he should have spoken with you about them and set up an appointment for MC. Not cheated on you. There is no excuse for that.

The blackberry cocktail sounds delicious.

Stay away from married men, they might seem harmless but haven't you been on this board long enough to know better! LOL! They are the worst.

Pho, never fear. I have no interest in hooking up with anyone. I just need to practice making conversation. I'm terrible at it in a lot of situations.

There is no excuse for H having an A. And he has mental health and family-of-origin issues that complicated things a lot. But I knew all the things I was doing I didn't change them. Maybe I'm just having a pity party but self-awareness really stinks.

Well, H has forced my hand and my L will be sending his L a divorce settlement proposal this week. This makes me sad, and mad. It's just like him to let things go so long that I have to take care of them.

I really need to get the house listed in mid-February. H has indicated we will not agree on a split. So I need to get the process going now to make sure we have an agreement in time.

My friend warned me that people change during a divorce. That is so true. In the beginning he wanted things easy - no need for a lawyer. Now, who knows what he is going to ask form. It's so sad.

becky, I feel for you. W and I agreed on no L, and 3 days later she had one. Now, she has given me her settlement proposal and said that there is no reason for me to get a L. Says that we will just end up hating each other. If anything, her treatment of me will lead to that more than a L.

Apparently, people EXTREMELY change during this. I don't even know who this person is that I am technically still M to.

Keep it up, you can do this!

Partly I'm seeing OW'S influence. I'm also sing his typical reaction to stress. It is very hard.

Again today I got texts from the hospital indicating the ongoing status of some surgical procedure H was having. This is the 2nd time it's happened.

After a while I texted him: "Hey I got texts from the hospital again. Hope you are ok. Are they giving you a frequent guest discount yet?" He texted back, "I am fine"

I didn't ask what was going on, why I was getting updates etc.

I don't think he likes it when I am friendly. It makes it harder to make me the bad guy. The other day he said the negotiation may get hard and we should only text about divorce stuff. Except for the rare occasion I don't text him about personal stuff. Apparently he still feels like my communication is personal. Odd.

Did you respond to the hospital texts with "Go ahead and pull the plug!" I would.

I am joking- don't mean to be insensitive.

That is funny.

Last night my H was having stomach pains, high in his stomach, almost chest, really sharp pains and he kept complaining. I almost laughed and said tell me if you are having a heart attack, I'll be sure to call 911 if I can find my phone. I think I am reaching a point of disgust. Still love him, but I am running out of empathy.

Last week when H had a car accident and went to the hospital I thought all this would be so much easier if he just died. That is terrible.

H has had lots of health issues over the years. I feel badly for him but I also have run out of empathy.

So why don't you just D?

Be careful pho...

You look to be turning to the dark side ...

Darth pho..

Mr. Bond, I'm working on the D. H filed then did nothing. I don't want it but I have to take some steps in order to sell my house.

Originally Posted By: Maximus

Be careful pho...

You look to be turning to the dark side ...

Darth pho..

Max, I really am! H has a bad back and every time he gets up he grunts in pain. I actually find it amusing. Pre-BD I used to give him full body massages if he so much as said "ouch", I was so nice to him and so caring and loving. Truly I don't want him to be in pain, and I would never hurt him, but you know what? Its karma. I'd trade my broken heart for a bad back any day and he has shown no remorse for that.

Are you sure you didnt use the jedi back pinch on him?

Really, I just love the woman you have become ... respect..

I can imagine your H having a dream and you saying "I am your father" ...

Max

Max, I can talk a good game but really I am putty in his hands. If he would bother!

But I am definitely starting to feel a shift in my attachment. I have 2 boys so all the star wars paraphenalia available to me (and every kind of toy weapon you could imagine) - maybe I should arm myself with a light saber as a reminder to stay strong, the boys would love that!

Pho, I am with you on the putty statement.

As far as the Star Wars stuff, S6 is all about that. Has no less than 3 light sabers. Heck, we did Star Wars week and the Jedi Training (he did it twice) at Disney this year...

Spiff, we have all the stuff, but we cycle between star wars, harry potter, the hunger games (just killing each other with whatever is available) and always an obsession with rocks. I love boys, they are so much fun.

ssssh dont tell anyone but just got new battlefront game.

havent had time to play it properly yet, just a little to see it installed correctly.

Only thing i've managed to do is crash X Wing 5 times during bootcamp training. Got pretty good at it.

I can crash an X Wing with flair.

Max

Validating or pursing?

Last week H had a surgical procedure. I knew he had something but didn't ask what it was.

Yesterday he volunteered that he was still recovering and had a stint in his kidneys. So I responded "Yikes. What did you have done?" He said "Had stones removed from kidneys" He had this done a few years ago" I waited several hours and responded "Sorry to hear that. I remember how uncomfortable that was for you last time" Nothing I wouldn't say to a neighbor.

A couple of weeks ago H said since we probably won't agree on divorce settlement we should probably limited communication to divorce stuff only. I very rarely communicate about anything personal. Apparently he thinks we still have that kind of connection. He keeps opening the door.

Also, H got our personal property tax bill and texted me to say so. I did a 180. Usually I would respond and tell him what to do with it. Instead I responded, "How would you like to handle it?" He didn't respond so a couple of days later I texted again. He said he thought we should split it in half. (better deal for me) I offered to mail a check but he said he'd pick it up. I don't think he wants me to have his address. He doesn't realized already have it.

H is coming tomorrow to move more stuff. I was not expecting this. I don't really want to be home but I have stuff to do. Ugh. I hate this. I just don't want to see him.

On another note, he's been practically chatty via text. After saying we should only communicate about the divorce he's back to volunteering personal information.

Tomorrow I will be here to let him and leave to run errands for a while. I will be upbeat and not get emotional about this.

Hi Becky, I also have an H who is with OW and has filed for D. He initiates more than I do now via text and email. I work on the basis of pleasant, mysterious, minimally available in any responses to him.

I do think that very much takes the pressure off the situation and leaves things to slowly implode with OW, without you being a negative factor in that mix. Separately, I try and focus on building a good life without him and healing from the trauma.

Sounds like you are doing well - much better than I was doing at your point in the sitch!!

Take care xx

We don't see each other much so it's really hard not to be emotional around him so I minimize face-to-face contact. Unfortunately I think we'll be divorced before anything implodes with OW. Oh well. It's really out of my control.

Just so sad tonight. Miss my husband. I can't wait for Christmas to be over. I just want to go to bed until it's over.

H is not doing well physically. He looks just worn out. I know he's overwhelmed. Doesn't look like leaving me made as happy as he thought it would.

I know I'll survive but right now I'm just so overwhelmed and exhausted.

Becky I am sorry. I am right there with you. Sending you virtual hugs tonight.

Becky,

Now is the time for some extreme self care, to put yourself and your health first and foremost. I know it's hard to do when you feel tired and exhausted.

Can we get the virtuous spiral going to work for you?

Can you confirm you are eating nutritious food, getting sleep, exercise, sunlight, and friendship. Also alcohol can get you down.

Doing some GAL and ceasing sofa surfing?

You sound very physiologically down, and now is the time to start working on the best you can be. I believe in healing from the physiology up.

Can I recommend, eat glow and nourish as a philosophy on food. It really helped me. Exhaustion can be contributed to by many factors, it's time to get the bloods done and to know your numbers. There are others here with great advice on this type of habit and health. Talk to the doc, check vit D levels, thyroid, sugars etc. Pink offered me the same advice and I took it.

Time to turn it around, listen to music and Xmas is a terrific time to GAL your socks off.

As GreenGrass says some kicks ass heels, rainbow eye makeup and shake those assets.

Go girl, go get ready to become the new you.

Time for shift.

If WH is looking care worn then he probably is not looking after himself and his stress shows. Time for you to look after you and be the vibrant woman that you are.

Sotto is right and I think it's time for you to shift to looking after no 1. You are very precious and rare and deserve to be treated accordingly.

V

Thanks V. All is well with blood work etc. I'm just sad about the end of my marriage and the loss of my best friend. The holidays are adding an extra laying of sadness and there is stress from waiting for next steps with lawyer. I'm terrible at waiting.

The fact that H seems unaffected by the dividing of our lives just kills me. I don't believe he has any emotional connection to me at all anymore.

I have not been eating well. I'm trying to get that back on track. I'm exercising but that could use some improvement.

I'm pretty busy most of the time and have some fun things coming up.

I'm going into survival mode for now. Eat well, sleep, exercise, pray. It's all I can really do right now.

Holy cow! I assumed OW left her H moved to our state and moved in with my H. Maybe not. I was just on OW's husband FB page. There was a picture posted of them at a Christmas party this past Friday night. No wonder H seemed down in the dumps yesterday.

Wow, Becky, wouldn't that be ironic. Does her H know about them?

My H said he knew. I know she has spent some time here. Maybe she told her H she was staying with her mother. I don't know. In any case it hasn't caused him to come running back to me.

Knowing H is not living full time with OW and she is spending at least some time with her H makes me want to contact my H. I should not do that! Nothing has really changed.

I talk to my DB coach on Thursday. I need to maintain no contact.

Becky

Great news about bloods.

I would act as if you know nothing with regard to WH. This means WH only has himself to look to.

Just because things look to be failing with OW, may not mean they are! Although if WH is looking tired and older that's usually a signal of some sort.

Keep detaching and becoming someone only a fool would leave. Now is the moment for shifting up a gear, extreme self care and true Xmas gorgeousness.

Go girl, go.

V

Spoke to DB coach today. Here are some take aways: it's ok to feel a little hopeful. It keeps my heart open. I handled the tax issue well by not dictating how it would be paid. But said I need to document the agreement. I need to communicate a little more in a friendly but detached way. I was recently given a cool airplane calendar that H would like. I'm going to give it to him this weekend.

I am still waiting for attorney to finish settlement proposal. Now I'm thinking it's getting very close to Christmas and I might wait to send it. I don't want to set the wrong tone. Plus things are difficult enough for me right now. IDK.

Becky, just want to say hello and I hope you are taking good care of yourself. I am sorry that this is all happening at Christmas time. At least you know by next Christmas this will be behind you. Hang in there, wishing you some peace tonight.

This afternoon a get a text from H of a table and chairs, not meant for me. This is the 3rd time he's mistakenly texted me. Seriously. He doesn't accidentally send me texts meant for anyone but OW. WTH?

So I decided to act like it was no big deal and just be friendly. When he said "sorry, wrong person" I said I figured and it looks nice anyway. We proceeded to have a short convo about his new table and chairs.

Again I say WTH?

Really bad day listening to H and friends downstairs packing up his stuff like it's no big deal.r

Becky, maybe you can "accidentally" text him about the great orgasm, and then say "oops, wrong contact, sorry that wasn't meant for you."

Leave the house, don't listen to them. It is a big deal. Can you go for a walk or go to the movies or something? Don't put yourself through this.

Pho, you are hilarious.

I usually leave when he's there but today I had things to do. My friend was with me in the morning.

All in all I held it together. Just started have a panic attack toward the end of the day. He saw lots of PMA and GAL though.

Yesterday was very difficult, being home all day while H was downstairs packing his stuff. However, I survived and some things went well. He saw lots of PMA and GAL. I was friendly. I was baking and visiting with a friend. He could see that I was decorating for a party.

[list]
[*]For the first time he ask a question about what I was doing. He ask if I was getting ready for a party.
He saw two of my/his friends yesterday and they both hugged him.
I casually gave him an airplane calendar I knew he would like. I'm worried I've been too detached. My DB coach reminded me to lovingly detach. This was a step.
For the first time he ask a question about what I was doing. He ask if I was getting ready for a party.
He saw two of my/his friends yesterday and they both hugged him.
Finally, and this probably projecting, when he left he looked a little bit regretful.

I'm very conflicted about trying to get the settlement proposal to H now that it is so close to Christmas. There is a scheduled attorney conference on Jan. 11 anyway. The risk is not getting an agreement in time to list the house in mid-February. I think I'm going to try to get in touch with my attorney and just lay out exactly how I feel and see what he says.

Becky

I saw your post on Jellyb thread.

Anxiety is usual in stress sitches, change the sitch and it passes.

It is unpleasant and infuriating.

At 60 I started with this and have learned to manage it. Now it takes a big trigger to get to me.

Return to a less stressed life and you will find your stress tolerance has increased. It's paradoxical and arises because in the rear view these events with your WH are unsettling and anxiety making. In comparison ordinary stresses appear insignificant, and are less likely to trigger.

This will make you stronger and it will pass.

V

I don't like it either! My/our life has been extremely stressful the last 4 years but I've never experienced anxiety like this. Then again, I've never experienced such overwhelming loss and loss of control.

Becky, I am on anti anxiety pills to help me sleep. I only take them maybe 2x per week but they really help. I used to do yoga and it was amazing, I might try that again. Take care and know that you are not alone!

Thanks Pho. I have Xanax and Ambien but I try not to take them very often. I need to ramp up exercise, cut sugar and meditate on scripture more. I believe that God will bring beauty out of ashes. Sometimes I just need to act like I trust that.

I'm joining you Becky. I'm going to create a version of myself I adore. Getting healthy and fit will really empower me. I've had some faith problems lately. I'm kind of ashamed at myself.

Well, only for a minute. I noticed and adjusted. This coming year, my goal is to be all about "I can". I've undervalued myself for way too long now. I want to enjoy the years I've got left.

Anxiety...ugh. I'm really struggling in that area. But since I've spent a bit too much time wishing myself dead, none of my doctors will let me have medication I can actually harm myself with. I'm both aggravated and grateful. I had plans, and backup plans. Not a good place to be.

I'm in a better place. I'm glad I've decided to be fully honest about what's really going on in my head with my medical team. It's just frustrating sometimes...I can't answer the "why"...I just really wanted to be gone. I had myself convinced everyone would be able to find happiness without me moping around. So unbelievable when I'm not feeling that way!

So, I've been kind of on this topic today...finding a calm center is my number one priority for several reasons. I need to manage stress and anxiety and stop letting them manage me. Prayer helps, but I'm never calm when I'm praying...I'm usually a pile of blubbering sobs. I'm having so much trouble with the "why". "How could he?" "Was I really so awful I deserve to be abandoned when I need help so desperately?" I just need to accept, I guess.

I've missed your calm self! I was offline for a bit. I didn't want to drag every one along with me again on my trip through emotional hell. I really have a special spot in my heart for my prayer DBers!

Have a great day.

Good to hear from you. I am going to focus on memorizing and meditating on scripture. It helps me.

I went the entire day low carb and aloso refined sugar. Yea me.

I'm going to chime in too, I guess. I'm experiencing anxiety for the first time (at least to this life sucking extent). I finally realized my insurance will pay for massages so I scheduled one for tomorrow. I hope it helps me to breathe better cuz I feel like someone is squeezing me like a catsup bottle! Might have to try yoga as well.

You all are amazing at supporting and sharing tips, advice, warnings and your stories as they unfold. I'm learning now that just coming to these boards during low or anxious times is calming as well as enlightening.It really helps to know how not alone we are in this. Thank you to all.

The physical repercussions of this surprise me. I actually take Xanax when it get really bad, which I don't like.

Physical repercussions? Yeah. Tell me about it. Awful. I'm like you, Becky, and completely surprised by how this experience not only tore me apart mentally, but physically, too. I guess there was a really good reason my cardiologist said, back before all this started, that living as stress free a life as I could would be hugely important to managing the congestive heart failure. I couldn't have imagined back then the reality of the damage the stress has done to my heart, literally, now. I have no idea how many years of life H literally robbed from me by his selfish actions, but I'm looking at heart surgery, so it's going to be more than a few.

Ciluzen - I saw your post just above Becky's. We're really glad you're here. Sharing what's going on in your life with the members of this board is great for helping anxiety, too. We all want to do the right thing. I'm really, truly jealous that your insurance covers massages! Lucky lady! That'll help a lot. Let us know how it went.

In the spirit of GAL, last night I went to a concert with a new friend. We had a good time. The concert was at a casino concert hall. After word we watch the band at the casino lounge. Interesting people watching but not really my thing.

I am so tired of being upbeat and friendly. I want to tell my H exactly how I feel. When do I get to that? Why does he get to do exactly what he wants with no consequences? He is friendly but detached. I'm friendly but detached. It's just so wrong.

On a sad note, my step son met H at my house to pick up a vehicle and he didn't even come in and say hello.

Becky - I'm thinking of you today. I wanted to be sure and stop by to wish you a very merry Christmas. I hope you stay busy and as happy as you can.

Hi becky

Merry Christmas to you take care ghost x

Merry Christmas everyone. I'm happy to report I'm doing fairly well.

Merry Christmas, Becky, I am glad you are doing well! At your mom's?

Merry Christmas, Becky!!

I am at my mom's. We had some family over last night and gong to my sister's later.
Just now debating whether to text Merry Christmas to H. Unless OW had come across country again he is likely by himself.

I think I won't.

Please start a new thread.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2635131#Post2635131