In the UK - need help (pt15) - DivorceBusting.com

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2613799&page=11

Old thread - new holding page!

Told W about the flat. She seemed a little 'bunny eyed' about it and then asked how I'd paid the deposit and would I be moving out now. I told her it didn't work like that. She then did that classic WW/WAW 'rolling eye' movement and said 'that's how other people make it work'. Well, not quite. She then gave me a long hard stare before I said 'well, I'm not going to make myself homeless', to which I got no reply.

I went back to the kitchen and started to cook my pasta. My S came for me and I went in to the living room to find my W staring hard at the floor, chewing her nails.

I feel a bit numb to be honest. I kinda expected some kind of reaction (I suppose I got one of sorts) but I don't think she has reached the bottom yet.

Anyway, final credit checks on me to be completed tomorrow and then I sign the lease and that's one worry off my mind!

Huddy is doing what any right thinking person and parent would do in this sitch it' stinks it's come to this but you can only play the hand your dealt

For me. You've acted in a strong , confident manner and let your actions do the talking

Stay strong mate. W has to put on her big girl pants now and sort out her own sh@t

Take care. Rd

Thanks RD. She's just told my SD that she thinks it's a 'good thing'. It's a good job I know the 0/50 rule.

Congrats on the flat.

V

Thanks V.

Pleased for you Huddy. Try not to worry about what your W says and thinks - just focus on getting you and yours settled and sorted my friend.

Take care xx

X10 on rd and Sotto's comments. X50 on v's comments.

You look after yourself and your kids mate and I'll do the same. Then let things fall the way they will. It'll work out in the end.

Thanks. Just felt a bit weird last night. I guess I have dropped the rope!

Originally Posted By: Huddy

Thanks. Just felt a bit weird last night. I guess I have dropped the rope!

I know what you mean mate. I've just read the interim separation agreement with my Ex's maiden name on it. Not a blip from me.

That's harsh. She's still technically married to you. I see what you mean about burning bridges.

I think it's a legal thing. I don't really care TBH. It's just BAU.

Final checks all done. Moving in date 2 December. Moving ahead, not moving on.....yet!

Good for you Huddy. I moved into my flat similar time last year....thinking back over your sitch, I do think you have come a long way in recent months. I remember many posts that were all about your W and watching for signs etc. That's different now and I'm pleased for you. I know these aren't the circumstances you hoped for - but you are willing to deal and that's key. I think the man you are and the man you become through this difficult experience are the most important things.

I truly wish you well with your move. Yes, you are dropping the rope and you can do so with compassion, accepting that you just need to get your own arrangements in place now. And, as for all of us....who knows what the future holds??

Take care xx

Hi Sotto

Yes, you're right. I spent a lot of time waiting for W to react to Huddy 2.0 and I just didn't see anything, as she is that far down her MLC tube.

Thanks for your wishes. I'll be here for W if she wants to come back, but, it'll be on my terms and she'll have to do some work on her attitude.

Homemade pasta bake fresh out of the oven when I walked through the door tonight. Unusually pleasant as well. Guess it's time for the manipulation to start in earnest!

Don't get me wrong, it was lovely and I thanked her for all her efforts, but, in the past, I would have taken that as a sign that she was on her way back. Now, I just take it for what it is, a nice meal that I haven't had to cook after a long day at work.

That, I think is now the biggest difference, in me, that I can see. I'm not needy or pursuing, I'm forging ahead, taking control of the actions that effect me. It's been a long road, so far, and I expect it to get hillier before the end, but, I'm feeling so much stronger that a few months ago.

That is so inspiring Huddy, I'm praying that I'll reach the same stage that you are at in the near future.

Way to go, Huddy! You are so inspiring. We are right at the same spot in our sitches, it is amazing what 6 months will do.

Haven't posted for a couple of days - not a lot to say really.

When I got home today, W had been doing some packing. She had found some pictures my Mum gave me when I graduated from University over 23 years ago. They are paintings of my home city, but W never like them, so they have stayed under the bed for over 16 years. She told me that she had put them in our S's room. They were dumped on the floor. I guess this was a pull to see if I'd react, but I haven't. It is difficult though. Our wedding photos are one of the few where I actually have any of my Mum and they haven't been on display since May.

I looked in the fridge and we needed milk. In the past, I would have gone out and got it. I mentioned it to W and she immediately got in the car to get some. Never seen that before.

If you're in the UK, there is a programme on ITV called 'Doc Martin'. We both enjoy it and last night was the finale. If you're not in the UK, you can probably find it on YouTube. In this series the main couple have split up and the whole eight weeks has been about them trying to re-ignite their relationship. It's a drama comedy, so it mixes comedy with more human drama. Cutting to the chase, the couple get back together, right at the end. Amazingly, just as the ending was coming up where the female lead says 'I've made a terrible mistake, I love you', my W gets up and marches my D to bed. She's sat through 57 minutes of TV show and then at the finale, just gets up! I think that's guilt, right there.

Otherwise, in good spirits, awaiting the move!

Quote:

I looked in the fridge and we needed milk. In the past, I would have gone out and got it. I mentioned it to W and she immediately got in the car to get some. Never seen that before.

An act of service

Surprise Huddy! Just checking in.

Hi Bob.

Nice to see you! Hope you're Ok.

So, I wanted to take my D to a fireworks evening tonight. I have been planning it all week. Amazingly, this morning, my W says she is planning on doing the same thing. Would you believe it, never has she shown any enthusiasm for taking any of the kids to a bonfire night, but as soon as I say I'm taking my D, she's off like a whippet.

Now, this obviously caused some friction, as my W says she is taking her. I don't want to fight about it, but I did reaffirm that it was my plan and that was what I was going to do. This then turns in to an argument about visitation when we go to separate houses in four weeks time.

My W says she is going to work during the week, so she can have weekends with the kids. I told her that plan was unacceptable and that I would be having the kids at weekends, and if that she wasn't going to be reasonable, we'd have to let a court decide.

W then laid in to me to suggest it wasn't fair because she wouldn't really see the kids during the week, because they'd be at school. I then reminded her it was her who was causing the problem. W then tried to argue some more and brought up the fact I went on a small GAL activity last night (a leaving do at work - I was back in the house for 1940hrs) saying that 'you won't want the kids when you want to go out'. I told her my priority was the children.

I can still see the rebellion in her eyes. She has no feelings of loss (how can she really, we're still in the same house) and I don't think she can comprehend the sh1tstorm that is going to come her way when she finally has to cope on her own.

The most comforting part, for me, was that I felt absoloutely no needyness, no begging, no pleading. I don't know if that makes me some kind of monster, but I didn't feel anything really. I did have a nightmare during the night about being on my own, but I didn't feel any sadness this morning during the exchange. I don't know if I should still be feeling this or not?

It seems to me that you have fully accepted the reality of your situation. That you are coming from a place where there are no delusions and that you are grounded in the "what is". This make you a formidable force in the marriage.

Hi mate.

No, you're not a monster. You've gained control over you and what you can influence. Be firm about the kids. Your WAS, like all of them are still in entitlement mode and don't like it when things don't go their way. Stay strong mate.

Hey NDY! Hi Mutatio

Thanks for dropping by. No, she doesn't like it when Huddy says he's doing something that will alter her plans. When she got back, she told me to stop playing 'good cop, bad cop', to stop being 'nice to her' and then being 'nasty when I want to talk about what to do with the kids'. Classic manipulation in action. Only a WAW/WW would think actually wanting to be with your kids/be M'd was being nasty.

I told her that I was being myself and I am going to protect my interests. She told me to be quiet whist she talked. I listened to the spew, then said nothing. I got criticism for that as well, because I was getting my S his food.

I've also been packing some stuff and got around to DVD's today. My W said 'don't take all the DVD's' (i'm only taking mine), I said I wasn't. Then she went on to say 'you know, all the joint ones'. I reaffirmed that I was only taking mine. What are we going to do, share custody of the DVD's, switching them weekly!

^^^^^

Hahaha! Make sure you get the visitation schedule for the DVD's in writing!

Yeah, every third week I get the Dexter box set!

In the end, I took my D to the fireworks display. I don't think W had any plans to do it all. I think it was all for show, just because I'd suggested doing it and she felt her nose was being pushed out of joint.

Really quite proud of my S. She's only five and managed the three mile round trip, walking, without any complaint. Time for a nice relaxing bath!

Huddy, sounds like you're doing really well and processing this in a healthy manner.

I would think of it as the kids' rights instead of your and her rights - and maybe suggest that you both attend a class for divorcing parents to handle this without high conflict.

Best wishes! Do you have a moving date set?

Hi Painter

That's an interesting perspective. I did try some mediation, but W claimed that the counsellor was 'fawning' over me and would always side with me, despite having never met before.

I pick up my keys on 2 December and we have to be out of the house on 4 December. Merry Christmas......

WW/WAW logic - lesson 237

I arrive home late from work, due to a meeting running over at work. I don't tell W, but come in to watch the kids as their bath has been run. I have bath and come down to have some food.

W goes to bath. W texts SD to ask, in secret, why I was late coming home, so that SD could text W the answer!

Ah, the logic of it all!

To us that shows she is interested in what you are up to. To us that is not logical if she doesn't give a damn about you. But that is to us. She has her own way of looking at things.

I hope your new apartment has a bath. Otherwise it will be just too much of a lifestyle change!!!! Haha. The W is one thing but you cannot do without your bath!

Oh, yeah. I don't do showers. I'm old school - it has to be a bath, at least once a day!

Funny, something similar happened to me the other day. S10's childminder came to see me to drop some stuff off S10 had left behind. We had a chat for a bit. Next morning the childminder ran out to the car to let me know that the Ex wanted to 'come round' for a chat as she got wind that the child minder and I had been speaking because 'NDY doesn't talk to anybody about this'.

She'll be disappointed as all we discussed was me securing a place for S10 and what I can do to stabilise his life but it just goes to show they still want to know what we are up to.

Hi NDY

Hope you're doing OK. I just don't get it. They want you gone out of their lives, then when you finally drop the rope and start pulling away, they seem really interested in your whereabouts and what you're up to. Jealous? Thinking that our lives didn't come to an end, to hard for them to bare? WW/WAW logic. Now if I could write a book figuring that out......

Hi mate, I'm doing ok

Sandi2 near enough did write a book and I still can't figure it out.

Yes, the blessed sandi2. That woman would be a millionaire if she charged for the gold she gives out here.

My S went swimming for the first time yesterday at school. Autistic children find it difficult to maintain the coordination that swimming requires.

My W showed me the pictures when I came home from work. No warmth, but at least she had the decency to share the pictures with me. I may, however, have made a mistake. I queried if he was going to swimming every week and if there was a cost. Now, I was asking about the cost, because I wanted to make sure there was enough money for him to go. My W, however, made a sarcastic remark about it 'not costing anything'. I didn't say anything, as that wasn't my meaning, and instead I just spent the next few minutes congratulating my S on his achievements.

The lesson is, you can never satisfy a WW/WAW until they have made their mind up to come out of the fog.

"The lesson is, you can never satisfy a WW/WAW until they have made their mind up to come out of the fog."

Amen Brother

Quote:

The lesson is, you can never satisfy a WW/WAW until they have made their mind up to come out of the fog.

I genuinely believe she will start to feel the loss once you two aren't living together. It may take her months and it doesn't interfere with your plans but I can sense it.

My WW just emailed me about the cable tv and, this is the best bit, she's going to hospital and I can get her on her mobile phone if I need her. Wtf?

I have a van to cart stuff about for the next three weeks. Where I work (a company of 2000+ people) the Directors have been very good to me. One of them has given me the van, free fuel for as long as I like until the job is done. Paid time off to see to legal matters etc., I feel I am incredibly lucky....my W, however does not.

I offered, since I have the van, to move any rubbish/junk that she has to the tip on Sunday. It's stuff that needs to go for the move, so I'm not being over helpful, just want to avoid any legal nasties after we've left. So, W says 'Why have they given you a van?', 'Why are they letting you have time off?', 'I don't understand why they're being so good to you'. Because they genuinely care about me and saw me at my worst in April/May, when I was basically a walking skeleton who couldn't really function.

So, W can't understand why I am being helped and not her. I suppose, one day, she might look at her situation and realise that people don't see hurt, unless it is being directed at somebody who doesn't deserve it.

Amen brother, amen.

Hi huddy

I just thought I would check in on you

You have been a great friend to me over the past 5 minths that I have been here

I hear what everyone is saying to you and bring this to my sitch about it being about you and the kids

My W has saved a nice little nest egg of money must be close to �10,000 so this when she leaves will keep the fog at bay for some time

Take care my friend

Ghost

Ghost

�10k won't last long, especially in south east England. Don't panic, it's not over yet.

And if the money was amasses during the M half of it belongs to you G. Know your rights.

NDY I hear what your saying however I have some assets that my W says she is not interested in so I would almost certainly just say you keep this money and I will keep mine if this works then great huddy thank you I know where there is love ther is hope

I'm going to pick this up on your thread G.

The decent to the bottom continues!

Our fixed line phone provider has been in contact to tell us that the new owners of our house want to take over the phone line on moving day. Not a problem, it's in my W's name, so I can't deal with it (in the UK we have strict data protection laws). I then pass this information on to W and tell her that if she doesn't move the line, they will cancel the contract and fees will have to be paid. The look of disbelief from W that she would have to deal with this was unbelieveable.

Fast forward five minutes and W appears at the bathroom door. 'How do you mean I will have to pay fees?' H - 'Well, it's in your name, so you're technically liable' W - 'No way. You'll have to pay half' H - 'Sorry, not for me. It's in your name' W - 'It's a joint contract. I hardly use the interent' H - 'Sorry, but I'm not doing that. I'm not paying form something that isn't in my control'. At this point W resorts to nastiness 'You're being pathetic (said in sarcastic voice) you will be paying, you have a pathetic face'. I retort with 'Sorry, I won't and there's nothing you can do about it and my face is the same one that I've had for 43 years'. Final comment form W 'Yeah, it's a really funny face'.

This is the same woman, not 40 minutes previously had noticed I was home earlier than usual (she welcomed me in the door with 'I wasn't expecting you home yet' - didn't know she'd noticed what time I was getting in).

Would welcome views on the handling of that situation. I thought I played it OK, but willing to be told if I have made a mess of it!

My tuppence worth is you did good. It sounds like you didn't get phased and didn't rise to her bait.

My ex to this day struggles with the concept that if its in her name it's her responsibility. She still wants me to contact companies about accounts in her name. And this is a professional woman who deals with data protection every day. Sheesh.

Anyway next time she insults you rather than answer back I'd just look at her knowingly and say "hmmmmmmm". Then leave the room.

Ghost, no verbal agreements about assets! And check if they are really both to be divided.

H's ex made agreements with him, then turned around and used the legal system to fleece him a second time, because their agreement was overruled by law. There was nothing illegal about their original agreement, but it was only as good as her word, because the law only acknowledged one side and not the other.

This goes for everyone on this board: Don't make any financial agreements without talking to attorney!

Huddy, you could just direct her to the phone company.

There's no point in you trying to convince her about anything, she won't believe you (yes, why does she ask, then... who knows).

My H is like that. He asks me questions, then argues with my answer, or starts a rant about the stupid rules. I've learned to just repeat over and over, "You'll have to talk to them (whichever company) about that." He'll rant some more, I repeat. "Yeah, I know. You better call them about it." More ranting. "Yeah, tell them that when you call."

Hi NDY/Painter

Thanks for feedback. I just don't want to come across as arrogant or condescending.

It has certainly set the hare running though. I came downstairs and her eyes were all puffy and red. She'd obviously been crying. She set off on a conversation about how she didn't see how it was her responsibility to deal with everything. I reminded her that if something is in her name she'd have to deal with it. W then started to list a load of things that she thought I should deal with and then said that I was 'happy' because I had found somewhere to live. 'You don't care about your kids, otherwise you'd have found me a house to live in'. Unbelieveable! I reminded her that the situation was developing because of her actions and that she had to take the consequences.

Then she started laughing uncontrolably. 'It's laughable. You're walking away and you seem to think you can leave your responsibilities behind'. Again, I validated and said anything in my name I would deal with. W then started to list all the furniture/possessions she would be helping herself to (this I'm not concerned about - the kids need a bed) and again tried to tell me how and when I would see the children. I validated again and explained how the legal process would have to kick in, if she continued with this stance. W reminded me of her solicitors views and I said that I would not be taking that advice.

Then came the gold. 'I'm going to review OUR situation in six months time'. Wow, serious control issues here. Again, I validated and said that she didn't control my feelings or actions anymore.

Quite a spirited exchange, but I felt good about it. I was quite upbeat (W interpreted this as me being 'smug' - I don't know if this is just nastiness, or if that's how it came across - worry) and felt really in control. I can see how my actions are now causing her grief, because she really wants me to fall to pieces. She even went with a rope pull 'Who is going to want a 50 year old woman with three kids' - I guess I was suppose to say 'I do', but what I actually said was 'I'm sure somebody will. It's sad that you don't feel attractive'.

I really don't want to come across as smug, but I feel so relaxed right now (god knows why, I'm still having anxiety knightmares). I finally feel I have mastered this stuff. It's only taken eight months, but I finally feel I have actually got down to real DB principles - it feels kinda good!

Hi Huddy - I would just keep things brief and pleasant. Say to your W - it's in your name - they will only deal with you, not me. This isn't about me - it's about them.

It sounds to me like reality hasn't quite sunk in for her yet. Like, where is she actually going to live??

Ah, the homeless shelter. Her decision to leave, but, apparently my fault that I haven't found her accommodation. I'm uncaring, apparently, as I should see to her needs. Said that I wasn't being fair as I had left her to fend for herself and that going to the council was 'the only option, available to her'. No, the option would be to stay in the marriage!

She goes on 23 November to find out where she is actually going to end up. I'm just validating like crazy at the minute. I admit, readily now, that up to about four months ago, my DB techniques were awful!

I don't know if I'm wrong, but I feel no guilt, no neediness, no - well, nothing right now. I'm just doing things for me and my kids right now.

Huddy, You da man! I think you did a great job. You were fair, kind, strong, polite and thoughtful. She kept trying to lay a glove on you and she couldn't touch you. Great job.

Please don't think I am cheering for you to get divorced. Quite the opposite, this is your only way to salvage a new relationship with your wife. Be well Huddy, be strong

Thanks Mutatio.

No offence taken. Old M is dead. New M? Don't know, let's see eh?

Hi Huddy. Just my pennies worth but your treading a fine line here. For me your on the right side of that line but I feel it's very easy to cross during the exchanges with W.

Confidant , in control and leading are attractive to W , smug , know all and tough sh@t for leaving me isn't. As I say you have t crossed the line in my eyes but maybe less convo when W gets nasty would be good

Again just my pennies worth Glad it's easier for you to deal with

Take care. Rd

Thanks rd

I will try and say less in these exchanges to make sure the line isn't crossed.

I took the van home from work last night. I brought home some more packing materials. My W went a bit weird at me bringing the van back - 'why have come home in that?, Why have you brought packing stuff?'. It's as if she's in denial. I notice, however, she has packed the wedding photos away.

W then spent the next 30 minutes with her hand over her face. I couldn't see any tears, but she was shielding herself from something.

So, we're just over two weeks away from move out and the big question is, if my W said to me on moving day she'd made a mistake, and didn't want to leave, would I just let her back in to my life? Unfortunately, the answer would have to be no. Don't get me wrong, I want her in my life, but I feel she has purposefully ruined any chance at R and has made no show of making the M work, or, gave a satisfactory answer as to what is going on. The only way forward, in my view, is a spot of reflection and self examination and a willingness on my W's part to work on the M through counselling and mediation. I cannot and will not just sweep this under the carpet and forget it never happened. I just feel too 'damaged' at the moment.

Good for you, Huddy! I love H. I want him back fiercely. Would I take him back with an "I'm sorry"? - absolutely not. We need MC. We both need to show some real remorse. We need to learn new ways of dealing with issues. I never, ever want to go through this experience again.

I really believe your life is changing for the better. You're aware now of what will and will not work for you. You're demanding respect by your responses and actions. Women love a man they cannot trample upon.

Keep up the good work. Calm and strong. That's you!

Originally Posted By: Huddy

I cannot and will not just sweep this under the carpet and forget it never happened. I just feel too 'damaged' at the moment.

Oooft. Quite a turnaround mate. THIS^^ is a new Huddy. Well done.

I feel the same. If R happens in my sitch then it will not just be the flick of a switch like last time. And a list of things for ME to improve like last time

I would want us to talk more openly about our needs and feelings than at any time in our MR and probably get IC/MC and just date for a while.

Even continuing in separate bedrooms while dating - all pie in the sky at the mo

Hi NDY

Quite a turnaround. Remember when we were discussing this on the forum in the summer? I resembled a mess of huge proportions. It was some of your actions, and words when we met, that made me realise that the hurt wouldn't go away if I 'forgave and forgot'. It needs a root and branch reappraisal of our R.

Hope the house move is going OK. Think another meet up might be due after!

IS

Fighting spirit - I like it!

Originally Posted By: Huddy

Hope the house move is going OK. Think another meet up might be due after!

The move is going as OK as it can. Usual limbo with the missives etc but it'll work out.

Another pint would be good. I fancy a trip to the east this time ;-)

Great

We'll arrange after moving dust has settled!

Hope all OK in the run up to moving.

Keep to your path. You are doing well. Don't be tempted to help or fix the situation your W is facing. You do care but because you care you need to let her face it without you. I think you know this but no harm reminding, as your emotions are likely to be high. You are relatively detached but having to leave your home and all that entails will weigh on you. This is not the end but a new beginning.

One thing I am curious about. What exactly does your W intend to review in six months? It's funny and not funny how her mind is working....

Hi Roiste

I believe my W is going to review our relationship in six months and decide if we should get back together or not. Basically, W wants to control my life for six months after we part. Well, that's not going to happen. What happens if she decides to do another review six months after that? It'll never end, so it won't be happening.

At this moment in time, I am more worried about the effects on my children than about myself, right now. That is my focus - kids then me, nothing else right now.

Originally Posted By: Huddy

I believe my W is going to review our relationship in six months and decide if we should get back together or not.

If this wasn't so sad it would be funny. So she snaps her fingers in 6 months and everything goes back to normal? Oh dear, she really didn't think this through did she? Surely by now she must realise you're no push over anymore?

I'm glad you're feeling strong and empowered! Your W sounds like things are not going the way she thought and she's now trying to blame you for the mess she created.

When H had his A, he had a plan that I was just going to move far away with only my personal belongings, and he would take on all our debts but also keep every asset. I would just have to start over (I'm 50+ and moved to this country to marry him, gave up my career and took care of stepchildren and ageing in-laws).

When he realized that I went to see a L and got a very different version of the future (fortunately, we live in a state that still thinks breaking your M vows should have consequences), he acted as if I was SO selfish! That HE would have to move out, how was he going to do that, couldn't afford it, he would be ruined! Reality check hit him right between the eyes...

I just told him, that's the way it works.

Are you getting a place for you and the kids? Why does she think she's taking them?

Yeah, will she unsell the house too in six months!!!!

Look after the kids and the rest will look after itself. Good luck mate but I am sure you will be fine.

Hi Guys

Yeah, amazing, isn't it? The control she still feels she has. In the summer, I'd have whimpered like a dog and rolled over. Not now. She doesn't see anything about me as she is so far in to her dreamworld - the land of entitlement.

The land of entitlement must be a lovely place to be. No house - ask the council; no money - ask the Inland Revenue or Huddy; if it doesn't work - good old Huddy will have me back in a shot. There is an almighty big bucket of sh1te on the way for her. The realisation of what she has done just hasn't hit her.

As I say, if on that moving day, she rolls over and wants to forget it, it's not gonna happen. Seriously, if I just said 'OK', does anybody think that will solve the problem? Will it miraculously make her feel any different about me? No it won't and in three/six/twelve months time we'll be here all over again. It's now a time for reflection. I feel way too hurt and damaged right now and I need a break from the chaos. Yes, that will mean Christmas alone, but I'm not frightened by this. Everybody needs time to let wounds heal. I have two small children who need me to be strong and capable, and that's how it's gonna be.

I went for a meal today with a female friend from work. She's got some exams coming up for a work related qualification, and I was advising her on the best form of study to get the right grade she needs for a promotion. We chatted and had good time for two hours. That's not the important part. What she said was, that over these last eight months she has seen me at the bottom of the hill, and now sees a stronger, fitter, confident Huddy that can take on the challenges ahead. Now, that means something to me (and brings us back to NDY's point) that the changes I have made to myself are tangiable; it's just who is actually taking notice.

Peace fellow DB'ers - we've got this stuff nailed. We can deserve better.

Huddy, mate. Brilliant. Well done that MAN.

If you haven't already read mvg's post. He's on full throttle and has got to where he is in super speed but he's where we are all heading.

Keep it up mate. Proud of you.

Thanks bud - means a lot!

Such an inspiring post! Thank you.

Huddy, I become more confident just reading about your confidence. Your doing great, your a different man then even this summer. Be well

Thanks guys for your words. Yeah, eight moths can really redefine your character. Keep strong fellow DB'ers - even if your R never recovers, you will!

Time to start sorting out the financials of the move. For our entire relationship, I have dealt with everything, from writing the cheques to paying money in, to sorting out finance. Maybe that is something W feels aggrieved about, but that's how she wanted it. Like most people, we have made some bad financial decisions over the years (buying a lousy car etc.), but, we've always found a way.

Yesterday, I started going through all our papers and dividing things in to piles for each of us. Once I'd finished, I told W that it was all in a box for her. W used this as a time to start making noises about her lack of financial muscle. At first, it was about getting her mail re-directed (in the UK, you can choose to get your mail moved on for �30 for 3 months) and I agreed she could have it sent to my new address, and she would pick it up every now and then. She said she didn't know my address (it's written on the calendar in the kitchen) and that she might not 'have anywhere to go'. I validated but said nothing more. W then went for the 'I'm not going to have any money, and I've so much to pay out' line (I've read this in so many sitches on here). Again I validated, but I had pointed this out to her in May and I really can't believe that she hasn't thought about it until now.

Lastly, it appears her 'support network' (Mum, sister, brothers) have let her down. I asked if they were coming to help her move and she said they couldn't, because they were working. Inside me, I wanted to say 'I told you they'd let you down', but I said nothing. It's up to my W to realise that I'm not plan B - I only want to be plan A.

Huddy, I'm concerned about your sitch and the imminence of moving day. How long away is it now? And does your W have any place to stay yet? Can she actually afford a place to stay? If she can't, what does that mean for your kids. If you guys had no kids, yes you could leave her to her own devices - but with young kids in the mix I think you need to have confirmed arrangements in place.

My worry is - what will happen when she falls flat on her face? Move to her parents would be my guess and you don't want that to happen. It's in your interests I think for her to have a secure place to stay. If she doesn't have funds, might she get free legal advice then come after you for some support? It concerns me that you have no agreed separation arrangements in place. Who will pay what? How can you both afford to get a place? Who will have then kids when?

I worry that you are facing a S where your kids are not yet provided for on both sides and I do think you need some L advice and that is an urgent priority now. It sounds like your W is in some denial - but I worry that you may be in denial too, and move out date is approaching fast. I can see a case from her stacking up against you - he just put all my bills in a box and didn't seem bothered that me and the kids had nowhere to stay. He just got himself sorted and didn't care about what happened to us and so on.

I actually think it is in your and the kids best interests if you get some arrangements agreed as to how this is actually going to work when you S.

I hope this isn't OTT, but it's been on my mind lately....

Take care

Hi huddy

It is always good to read how well you are doing the last few weeks I have felt somewhat stronger it is a journey for sure

Respect to you

Take care

Ghost

Hi Huddy

Great to know you are being so strong.

Sotto does have some valid points but I'm sure you will always put your kids first.

Hi Huddy, just to clarify (in case it appears that way) I don't think for a moment you aren't putting your kids first. You're the one trying to keep the family together after all here.

It's more around my concern that your W doesn't seem to have her chit together on moving out and you haven't seen a L or clarified S arrangements.

My concern is your W may flee with the kids to her parents hundreds of miles away as she has previously suggested if she doesn't have a viable option locally and I think that's the last thing you want from what you posted.

How do you think this is going to play out if she can't afford to get herself set up??

Hi Sotto

My W is off to see the local council tomorrow. They have placed her on the homeless list. They will, so my W informs me, place he in a hotel, temporary accommodation or a council property. Again, W tells me, they will store and move her stuff for her, so, bingo, she's a winner.

I have got myself a two bedroomed flat. I don't need two, one would have done, but, it is my fallback position, should everything go 't1ts up' for her; there will be somewhere for her to sleep and nobody under my watch will be going without.

She isn't going to flee. If you read some of my posts from the last week, she is currently rope pulling like it's going out of fashion. She's in 'pity me' mode and won't accept that everything that is going on is being driven by her. Just to remind everybody, it was my W's idea to sell the house in the first place and she couldn't care less if I was going to be made homeless or not.

Further on today, I have brought a van from work and am clearing rubbish from the house. Well, I say rubbish, it's stuff neither of us want. I asked her who was going to move the furniture etc. as I was going to offer to help. Instead, I got abuse and then entitlement disease when she said 'the Council will HAVE to give me a big storage unit and they will HAVE to move my stuff. W then tried to tell me when I would be getting the children. I have already started to look at L advice for this matter.

So, I hear what you say Sotto, but I just can't continue trying to help somebody who doesn't want to be helped. W will have to realise things herself. At the end of the day, there will be a roof for everybody, but I'm not going to get beaten every day for doing the best that I can.

My W has been granted 'temporary accommodation' some four miles away from our current location. No surprise that they are going to charge her for storing her stuff (I received a call from her to tell me all this and complain that they'll be charging her for this). She seemed 'ok' when she called.

That's the thing that amazes me the most, the seemingly upbeat, lack of regret nature that she has assumed. I guess, when I get home, I will be treated to another round of 'everything's your fault' (this was a theme yesterday - it was my fault that I had found a flat and she hadn't; my fault she had so much to pay out when she's on her own etc. etc.), so, let's see.

I wonder what she said to get that. If she is voluntarily homeless, I doubt they would have given her a place - she must have claimed a form of abandonment.

I hope you have secured yourself legally so she can't make it look like this was all your doing (regardless of what was said and done in private).

Hi Painter

Yes, I have thought about this myself. In the UK, there are strict regulations regarding homelessness and how you qualify. Based on my W's circumstances, she doesn't qualify. I challenged her as to how she'd managed it, asking her if she had said something derogatory about me. She replied 'You know me, I would never have said anything like that'. I've never heard so much bullsh1t.

Personally, I think she'll have made out that I have thrown her out or something like that. I have no way of getting hold of that information, right now. I don't know if I could go for a freedom of information request. I don't think that would be available to me as it would be protected under the 1984 Data Protection Act.

The Council has arranged to move her in to a new property next Thursday. Her stuff will be held in storage and she won't be able to get access to it as the Council keep the keys. At some stage, they will move her from this accommodation to Council/Housing Association on the proviso that if she rejects the property she is being offered, she will be thrown on to the street! What a way to live your life.

Anyway, I am off to France in December for three days, for work purposes. Last night, she sent SD to see me and find out when I was going, whereabouts in France I was going and for what purpose. So much for not wanting to know me anymore. It's all about control, but I'm moving forward.

Sigh....I thought with our moving day being just over a week away, my W might just start to think about what she's done. I wouldn't take her back 'just like that', I'm beyond that stage, but just some contrition would show me that in her heart, she has at least thought about this terrible mess.

But, no, dear reader, my W has a fresh complaint. I, apparently, get up too early for work and, crime among crimes, turn the stair light on to see where I'm going! Really! You couldn't make this nonsense up. It's getting difficult to validate some of this stuff without chuckling to myself. I go to work, bring home the money, work long hours and when I come home get down to looking after the kids baths etc., before I get a couple of hours relaxation and that's a crime.

Sigh.....

hey Huddy,

I've just skimmed - apologies - lots to catch up on since I've been away.

I think you are selling yourself short mate. I keep reading about cooking and bathing for the kids. Your SD is old enough that they WILL listen to her. Your W being considered to be the main carer - how much of that is HER opinion. OK - so maybe she did spend more hours with them because you were working and unfortunately that is not really a concern from the perspective of the children and hence custody - BUT - as mentioned a while back by NDY (I think). All you have to show is that you have been a "significant" hands on carer. Having a solid plan is gold.

I suspect our courts are very similar andI reckon that you have enough that the Judge will immediately ask "How is it in the best interest of the kids to facilitate the Ws claim here?" Judges are hesitant to make ANY order unless they are convinced that it is the right one AND certainly not going to come back to bite them. Hence the first thing the Judge will likely do is stamp that a bunch of additional "tests" are done. Even if all that these tests show is that Huddy should be a part of their lives, then the issue of your W moving far away jeopardises this for real reasons. Your W may indeed claim that her support network is far away, to which the response is "crap - the kid's network is right here. She's claiming to have been primary carer and at the same time I need help. Hello idiot, here is the father, solid, already the carer, reasonably asserting his desire and availability". [censored] WAS's selfish delusion!

I'm ~10K into this custody crap, and there are some differences, but the bottom line - is NOBODY gives a flying [censored] about you or her. Its about the kids - and if their best interests are served by NOT upending the whole caboodle, then deal with it W.

Even better, for you (and me), before a decision is made, if the Judge doesn't, your L can request a family psych assessment. Given the last several months of the "Huddy Show", I can't imagine how she (or my W) is gonna nail this one.

Sorry - jaded advice by my own sitch. Just had a cracker of a fight with the STBX.

one las thing - with respect to W/STBX - after several months this is bound to be just a dull ache for you now, not the brutal sledgehammer in the guts anymore. Other things have bubbled back up to occupy your conscious mind. Well it is only going to get better. It doesn't mean that this [censored] any less, but life is far from over.

I woke up to myself a few days before court. I realised that hey - I had absolutely nothing to gain by standing up to my W wanting to move. Now I stand to lose custody. I cursed myself for putting that on the line. Personally I had nothing to win, possibly even lost by not relocating. I have A LOT to lose. But my kids don't deserve this.They dont know now, and they possibly never will that I have put it all on the line for them, because they dont even know what the proposal is. So - bringing it back to you as well - if we lose - if life is simply that unfair - what more can we do.

Be proud of yourself Huddy - you have gone beyond what almost anyone would do. You will shine my friend.

NDY - this goes for you too mate - I am just too lazy for two posts in one night ';)

-Py

And what if your W as Mine is ...is of the opinion that the kids will be fine they will adapt in the divorce

She feels that divorce is better for the kids

Then what

Thanks

Ghost and sorry to hijack

Hi Py

Sad that you're still fighting and are now 10AUS K out of pocket. Your kids will know what you did to protect them, eventually. That doesn't stop you being a great father.

Hi Ghost

My W has stated that she doesn't think the kids will be affected by the separation and that my S will be 'better off' without me. Yep, that's the cruel truth about WW/WAW's, they don't care how much they hurt your feelings.

You're right Py, it doesn't feel like a gut punch every day, more of a mild tummy ache and b being apart, I can rebuild my own sanity and breathe a little bit easier. I need a break from the rollercoaster, so it's time to get off and play on the dodgems!

Quote:

My W has stated that she doesn't think the kids will be affected by the separation and that my S will be 'better off' without me. Yep, that's the cruel truth about WW/WAW's, they don't care how much they hurt your feelings.

In just the same way they only listen to appeasers and ignore everyone else they also ignore the evidence to the contrary. There are reams and reams of data on how kids fair better with both parents but a WW will ignore that.

Of course, if you stick your fingers in your ears, you can only hear your own thoughts!

If only this forum had a like button.

Ha ha!

Something of a pattern is emerging this week. I walk home from the station, start preparing my meal and W fires a complaint at me.

My W was arranging a fire of old financial papers in the brazier, in the garden. No problems, but I had asked her to do my papers, but I find them still in the same place. I ask if W can do this for me tomorrow and that starts an argument about how I don't speak clearly enough to her.

Is this a normal pattern before a split? It's getting a bit tiresome getting it in the neck every night for nothing. As her dreams are coming true, shouldn't she start feeling happy?

I don't think it's a before/after the split that causes it. It's the realisation it's not all rainbows and unicorns. My Ex was lucid at BD but her comprehension definitely took a nose dive once I grew a pair.

Btw the Ex is very unhappy at the mo. They say they notice out changes? Well it works both ways.

Have you asked her straight out, 'You're the one who wanted this, why are you complaining about everything?'

Hi NDY

Well, it was only a couple of weeks since your STBXW broke down in front of you and you didn't bend over backwards to comfort her. You reap what you sow. You're big upstanding NDY now; invincible and she don't like it. She wants you to sit in a corner, rocking, crying, begging and you're not complying. Good work that man!

Hi Painter

Yes I have said that to her. On Sunday she complained that I was taking the setee with me (well, I do pay for it!) so I said fine, I'll take the bed, to which she complained that it was hers (funny, I don't remember her paying for it) and the circle of nonsense continued, so I just bowed out of it, laughing.

It just goes to prove, in WAW/WW land, nothing is logical!

Well, three nights to spend in the same house together and the spew machine has gone in to overdrive.

Yesterday, I bought a new TV/Freesat box/sound bar for my flat. I didn't tell W I was doing it but have had to bring it in the house so it doesn't get damp. That set off the first spew. 'How did you pay for that?', 'Have you put it on the credit card' etc. I could have been hard and told her it was none of her business, but I told her I'd got it on interest free offer at the shops. I can pay it off with next months pay packet.

Today, W had asked if she could see where my flat was, so she knew how to get there. Fine, makes sense, agreement made to do so after I come in from work. Instead, I arrive home to a full scale assault about 'why have you taken the pictures out of my [sic] bedroom?'. Well, I haven't and I reminded her it was my bedroom as well. That got the eyes rolling in her head and she repeated it was her bedroom. I then pointed out where the pictures were (they were no more than four foot away from her). She then made further accusations about me moving stuff (I haven't, but what's the point in arguing) and then went in to a strop - 'I'm not going to see where your flat is'. Fine, I'll take my shoes off and have something to eat then.

I suppose you could say my W doesn't like me standing up for myself. I have always played the apeaser; trying to make sure W doesn't get upset or that things are just right for her, but no more. I am not being treated like sh1t anymore. I told her that and that she needed to show some respect in fromt of the children. Cue more eye rolling. Rebellion is burning brightly in my W right now and I really don't recognise her at all. Her mannerisms, her actions are from somebody I would never have contemplated being with. I really do wish I understood what is going on her brain.

What's going on in her head? I wouldn't worry about that. I'd consider just starting on a list of what you want and what she wants. If you cast your mind back to when I moved back to my house there was hell because she wasn't getting what she wanted. Remember the bathroom incident?

It's clear to me that my ExW wanted to keep everything in her life just as it was except displace me and move in OM. As that plan blew up in her face her behaviour deteriorated. I think something similar may be going on with your w but the strange thing is you are complying with what she wants by moving to different addresses.

I really don't know what to say mate except it's only for a couple more days. Hang in there.

Yes, I see what you're saying bud. I actually think by getting a different address, I'm not complying. I think she really wanted me to sink in to oblivion; you know, homeless; a crying sobbing mess. I think that hasn't worked out for her, so, she's blasting away.

Three more nights. I know it's sad to say, but I'm actually looking forward to some space. I'll miss the kids, but she's even started to mellow on that angle, but I just don't want this continues cycle of hate as soon as I walk in the door anymore.

You know I've said before about being apart relieving the stress. Ok when we're still hanging onto the rope that's the last thing you want to hear but when you wake up and see the sitch for what it really is? Not so much.

Couple more days dude.

It makes complete sense she would just want you to sink into oblivion. Having you succeed and do fine without her is a reminder of a few things that's goes directly against what's driving her actions. That she knows who you are, that you will never change and that you are at fault for everything thats wrong in her life.

One of those remimders being you can live completely fine without her which shows your not dependent on her. Another is that because you can survive without her it's showing what les to the breakdown od thr M isnt jsut about you, but her also. If you were all of the problem when you separate she would be happy and you miserable. Oh the irony when things end up being the opposite and that translates to anger for her. Anger pores out anytime something reminds them they are at fault and maybe they f'ed up. I remember it well with my W months ago, like she was jealous I was not only surviving but thriving without her. She resisted the insane spew as she knew it only made her look worse because I didn't react at all to it. I could still feel the anger bleed out of every pore in her body at times.

You're doing well, just keep living your life and don't react to her testing or spew like she expects you to. Coming from a place of strength and love showing her she's leaving the man only a fool would leave.

Fog. I think my W is just reaching the beginning of the point your W ended up at. Still. That's not my issue. She's got herself caught is an unending trap and it's not me that made that situation. In do like your post. Huddy. ^^ that makes sense to me.

Edit - Start a new thread - Cadet

Hi Huddy. Is the flat furnished ? How does it suit your journey to work ?
What's the plan re kids ? Are you getting enough time with them ? Have you and W discussed Xmas and if so what's the plan ?

You have a new life ahead and while it stinks re the M and especially for your kids you now can concentrate on what's going toake you happy in the future

You are an example to any newcomers on here because you've gone from complete wreck to a man only a fool would leave What does that make your W !!!

Wishing you all the best in your new place and I sincerely hope W gets to see that her unhappiness is all her own

Take care mate. Rd

Hi NDY, Fogg and RD (get your backside here man!)

Thanks for all the kind words. Gonna be wifi less for the next few days, so please forgive me if I don't get around to your post.

W finally pulled the 'for the kids' card this morning. Long story short, she wanted me to do something on my moving day tomorrow, not a big job, but I've got lots on. When I said I would try to help, if I had time, I got this whole speech about being uncaring and it would hurt the kids if I didn't do it etc. That's a low blow as I have done everything to avoid hurting the kids.

So, now I've come home, and she's making a big play of taking the bed apart. I'm looking after the kids and she's huffing. She hasn't asked for assistance, so I'm not going to offer.

Hard times folks.

Wifi less? I'd rather be wife less than wifi less.

Sorry, that was in poor taste but I couldn't resist.

If she asks I take it you will help with the bed? It's ok not to do it without her asking but it's not ok to be a jerk if she asks and you say no. Fine line dude.

She's just asked. I helped. I'm not a nob! Hopefully back with wifi and new thread on Friday. Wifeless though - that'll be new.

Huddy. Your strength is so clear to see. I was one of those who pushed you to stop focusing on W and you went above and beyond.

That said , it's clear to me that she has yet to feel the full force of her choices. That's about to change and 1 week , 1 month or 2 years down the line Your W will see what she has lost Its out of your control but it will happen. It might not change anything but it might

Keep on your path and the outcome will be positive for Huudy , regardless of W

It gonna get tough buddy but you have the tools to deal with whatever the future brings.

Take care. Rd

Again - Start a new thread - Cadet

Quote:

Huddy. Your strength is so clear to see. I was one of those who pushed you to stop focusing on W and you went above and beyond.

Doesn't that make you feel good? I hope it encourages you.

BTW, you have been giving great advice, Huddy.

Please start a new thread. This one is going to lock very soon because you have 108 replies/postings.

New thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2628202#Post2628202