Old Thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2614922&page=11Last two posts
little update.
So she went out Friday evening I came home and grabbed the kids and left the house as quickly as possible. took them to the halloween store for some costume stuff then we went to Dave and Busters for games and food. We had a blast. Got home and we all climbed in my bed to watch some movies and fall asleep.
Around midnight i thought i heard W come in, which would be a little early, but then no one ever came up to the bedroom to get ready for bed. I decided to get up and see what i heard. She did come home and was in the downstairs bathroom and i knew what was going on. She was getting sick. She looked like a mess, she said she didnt eat anything and had some wine and beer and it got to her. I kind of just laughed, but i probably did what i shouldnt have and took care of her. I helped her get cleaned up, got her water and some crackers and tried to clean up the mess. Got her in bed and grabbed a bucket in case the urge came back. I then slept on the couch outside the room for a bit to make sure she didnt get sick in her sleep. In the morning i woke up and went to the store to get kids a doughnut for breakfast and grabbed some tylonel for her. Came home and gave them to her and explained what went on the night before. She responded with "thanks". I wasnt looking to be a hero but something made me feel good to help her. I told her i didnt want her to feel like crap all day. D7 went and played at a friends house most of the day then had a sleep over as well. I took S4 with me to a rugby game and we stayed out most of the day, then to come home to W moving furniture with some friends helping. That was not fun to come home to.
S4 and i hung out and ate some pizza then headed to bed later. W came in and thanked me properly for helping her the night before.
Got up next morning and went to church. Wasnt feeling in a good place afterwards, just a little sad, and didnt want to go home as i know she was having more people there helping her. I left her to deal with the kids and went and ate some lunch.
Got home later and took care of yard work, Tm w to tell her she could bring the kids back if they wanted to come home since she was at new house unpacking. Took kids out to play at the beach and ate dinner. Got home and took care of kids getting ready for bed. She got home as we were watching some tv.
All in all this really [censored]! i am staying busy and doing things for myself but her just in full blown move mode is hard. She is so focused on doing this.
Spoke to D7 a little more about everything and she asked if i think mommy is always going to be this way now? I asked what she meant and she just said different like she is now.
Didnt know what to say and just reassured she loves her very much.
By this time next week W will be out of house completely and i will need to deal with not getting to tuck my kids in bed for a night or two. Going to be tough.
#2
one more thing..
I have been reading Caliguys entire situation and notice a lot of interaction and communication between him and his w during there separation. I know there are a lot of opportunities there to DB and move things along. I feel like right now my W and i have nothing between us. We pass each other in the house and communicate very scarcely about the kids. i know she is wrapped up in her move, but curious if there is anything i should be doing to change this dynamic or let it go?
There are a couple of schools of thought. Letting go/detaching is certainly important, but it doesn't mean you have to go NC. If you want, you can keep a log of what you are doing and see what works and what doesn't. You shouldn't bounce all over the place and you should give your chosen tack a while to see if it works. I am one of the believers of rebuilding the connection one month at a time by being positive and having little interactions like one-way texts and tag alongs with the kids. But nothing you do can seem needy or pressured.
otw
I've asked my coach about instances where there isn't much communication or interactions to DB. Basically he said not to worry about it that much because it generally works out to the interactions happening one way or another. You have kids together so there will always be some connection there. For now you might just need to give her space and let her work on her own issues for a while. The opportunities will come up as they do, no reason to rush them. Patience is a huge thing to deal with while we go through this.
Flight/Fogg
I do appreciate the responses, and i agree 100%. I dont think i can go NC especially with the kids. I have been keeping a log of what goes on everyday. I probably can get a little more detailed about our interactions. As i have noted before i do see a little difference in her mannerisms but i cant mind read why so i will leave it alone.
just a little journaling
I have looked back over the past 6.5 months and looked at how i reacted and things i did in the beginning and just shake my head. I chased and begged like the best of them. After that i just went into fix it mode and held on to everything i saw from her. Then i went into ignore mode.
I then realized i have come around to where i am now. I do not initiate as much contact but still do. I am polite and respectful and nice.
I have also noticed i feel different. I feel a weird peace about myself. Yes it hard to watch her pack up all of her belongings, hard to work on a separation agreement, hard to know my children will be gone some days but I know this is happening and oddly enough i am kind of excited about what i get to do when she is fully out regarding new things for the house, some time for me, alone time with kids.
I will miss her dearly and still want my W, but i look at how she still does not thank me for cooking a dinner or running out to the store when we forgot soemthing needed and i wonder to myself dont i want to feel appreciated?
I am not sure where this next step of the journey will take me but I do know my kids love me to death, know i am the rock for them as they make comments about how their mother is different , I will succeed in life and know i am worthy of great things and relationships.
I do have to say i read a lot of the success stories on here and winding down on Caliguys. I have never felt so many different emotions reading something. If he looks in, i want him to know how much i appreciate his journaling to help others and continued support. Thorton as well. I know there are plenty more and i will get to them.
anyway, that is all for now.
Otw
I think had I found this place post BD... My posts would have shown that before W moved out... We too had very little interaction and like you I was still scrambling looking for ways to fix things... As I've said before ... I would run myself ragged cleaning thinking that would make her happy... In my sitch the truth was , there was nothing I could do, she was miserable and she thought she found happiness elsewhere and at that time I was in the way between her and happiness ..... Was that really the case no... But in her mind it was so the separation had to happen, she had to take that road and learn without my help that there were things that were not my fault. As painful as it was even the A taught her that she in fact had some issues that had nothing to do with me ... Though she blamed me for years about those things
It's a tough time of year to be going through what you are going through. Been there done that .... My advice ... Do not allow this to define you. STOP rescuing her (taking care of her when she gets plowed) ... As painful as it is you must let her hit bottom and learn the lessons she needs to learn without you helping or even being remotely close .... DO NOT fill her needs, she fired you. You have to rebuild yourself now... There is damage caused by this, damage she is not going to be able to help you with... You owe it to your kids to become the strongest man they will ever know. Do not share with them the sitch, to young for that kind of talk... Just become the best man you can be... Let your W go and focus on you, you will need to use all the energy you have left to build a better you because using it on her at this point is a total waste of resources
Hang in there ... You are at a better point now than I was at this time
Hey OTW,
Just catching up. Your doing good keep up the good work. Your posts do help me a lot.
Hi Cali, where are you now? Or can you point me to the thread where you describe what happened after retrouvaille and what you thought of it? In particular, I wonder how your wife took it when maybe she wasn't 100% "in".
Flight I am almost to where they start going. I must say this is a great read. It really shows me a lot and how to m e forward with my life. I did find myself jealous at first of the interactions they had but then he would have the rug pulled out from under him. Had to be so difficult.
Really has inspired me.
Hi Cali, where are you now? Or can you point me to the thread where you describe what happened after retrouvaille and what you thought of it? In particular, I wonder how your wife took it when maybe she wasn't 100% "in".
Currently I suppose we are 'piecing' as far as the definition goes, that said W has a good deal of work to do ... Things she is sorting out for herself... I had a bit of a head start in this area, that whole "gift of time" thing wasn't something she really had as most WAS do focus energy in the A and OP .... Not themselves as the LBS does.
As far as Retrouville .... I was impressed with it as it gave us a much needed item.... Hope.... This said I would caution doing this... The WAS must be willing to do what it takes, it's not just a weekend, it's a 3 month program that will bring up several issues a couple has to address. At this point we are not using what we've learned in the way it was presented , but we seem to use it in a different way ... Again at this point W is still sorting herself out and I am still waiting to see where all the pieces end up before I make a decision ... In short I am DB-lite approach as I am weighin my options and what I can live with.
I would hope if anyone learns anything from my sitch, it's to become a better person... Regardless what your spouse does or doesn't do... That's the secret to all this as far as I'm concerned
Cali
Thanks it helps to know the pre story. I did my share of scrambling to fix and make her happy. Nothing worked. Just her getting things with no reciprocation. She has decided I am the reason she is not happy. You know all the usual, rewrote history etc, I took what she told me she wasn't happy about very seriously and addressed. Hasn't really mattered.
You have nailed it though. I am still there too much when she needs me. I am still a fixer. I have done a lot better recently. But I found myself today rushing to help her by getting the kids after I told her I may not be able to do it.
I have to be honest. I did not think I would be here long. Lol. I have a feeling I am in for a long haul.
One thing I am struggling with right now is involving the kids. I have d7 and s4. They are the best but I do find my self short tempered at times when they are both not wanting to listen and just be kids. I don't like letting them see me get that way especially when they have to go through this time. D7 is very intelligent but gets her emotions so wound up at times that you can't get through the to her. Lol. No clue where she gets that! This is why her and w butt heads so often. They are exactly alike.
I am doing everything I can with them and constantly talking about things that I think they can handle.
Vise
I constantly keep up with you. I for some reason relate to you and a few others here. I think sometimes we think the same things regarding what some of the vets around here say. I know everyone has the best intentions but sometimes it seems off base. Maybe it is just me. Anyway. I will continue with the sharing each day and hope to get some insight as to where I can make changes for me.
Cali
One more thing. I will revisit the religion topic maybe tomorrow as I have also begun a new with this.
Thanks all
I too was certain 100-200 posts tops and I would have my marriage back and would have been outta here.... A lot to be said with that mind set along with setting any timelines which I STILL struggle with , though I've been better
The fixer thing is an issue, one I had to conquer... "My dads a television repairman, I can fix it"
http://youtu.be/A5cneCgNA9U. I llooked at it from above, was I really fixing? No... It was me regaining some semblance of control back with fear being the motivator... This really was masked pursuing but I like you would use kids, my character, morals as the "reason" I fixed..... This hampered detachment ... Severely.
I had a eureka moment, was teaching S to ride his bike... He could not learn to balance and go alone until I took the training wheels off and gave him a push... He needed to ride alone to build his confidence just as I did... And just as my W did.... No lessons for either of us if we held on to each other.... I learned when she let me go what was really important to me.... Took me doing the same for her to realize the song was over.
Focus on the kids... Practice patience with them... As I learned , little is more attractive than a strong man who is an excellent father. Stop doing things for her, to get a reaction from her, be your own man... You'll be better off for it
thanks Cali, you are right about the fixing and finding a way to stop. I feel i am doing better and will get in below.
Update
Not a whole lot. As i mentioned yesterday i found myself still rushing to fix things for her when i said i may not be able to. Got kids and took them for some dinner. Rushed home to do homework, baths, snack of course! and get ready for bed. W came home and ate and took care of herself. she then comes to me and says she just got notification that the kids new mattresses were delivered to her new place at 8pm and she needed to go get them inside. Normally I would have offered to help or even do this for her. My response was OK. Got kids in bed and that was that.
ZThis morning was the ususal routine. S had his preschool halloween program at school. W had to run back to her new place as she forgot the costume he wanted to wear there. I took s to school and met her there. We had some time before the program so we were walking out and i decided to stay there because the parking gets bad and seats are limited. I saved two extra seats, one for her and one for her best friend who has a S that goes there. (this is the friend who is recently divorced from a bad situation but lives a pretty good life from well of parents, i know really helpful to me and my situation!) They both get there and everything is like no big deal, like she isnt moving etc..W friend has a baby girl that just started walking and is with her. I know her and she for some reason loves me. She is in my lap the entire time giving me kisses and hugs and just making me hold her. It was great. Show ended, little man did great. he used to not sing at all but now has taken a liking to it. I was making faces the entire time and he just kept waving to me.
stopped in calssroom and said goodbye to him and head ed to work. Got a text message from W best friend thanking me for haolding daughter. I told her it was great and brought back great memories of my kids being that size. also told her how awesome she was. she replied back thank you and she definitley loves you. I feel bad for her situation as her ex was a piece of work. She did ask me when W walked away how the kids were with everything which i found strange as she and W talk and text literally 1000 times a day. Maybe she knows they open up to me more. I jst said that we will see how they handle the actual final move day and i will make sure they are ok.
well i will get back around later today, ant get to the gym as my old age has set in and strained my forearm. [censored]
lol
Hi otw,
I know moving is so hard. you get pounded by thoughts that now that you are out of sight, you will be out of mind. But if you are prepared to deal with these thoughts maybe it will go more smoothly for you. Trying to figure out what they are thinking will not help you in one tiny way.
Just keep thoughts on you. You are doing great!
Mona, thank you. I am prepared in that manner of thinking. I have given up on her thinking a long time ago, nothing makes sense as i will shoe below.
updates
Past few days have been the usual routines. Kids have been busy with school and all of the Halloween stuff to go along with that.
I have had some communication with the L regarding the separation agreement W had drafted. It was basically what i though when i heard she found someone to do it for 250.00. Garbage. My L said it could be good or bad that it was so awful because if it was ever needed to be thrown out of court it would be easy.
Some of the details were the following:
they tried to put in that the spousal support would not be taxable to her and i could not deduct it, LOl federal law states otherwise.
She wanted the child support but i still pay the preschool expenses solely.
But the big thing was the support numbers. When L ran the support numbers again to add that i would pay for preschool to recalculate we noticed and error. The spousal support never transferred over to that spreadsheet and when it was fixed there was a significant drop in the amount i will have to pay to her!
I am very curious how this is going to go.
I started laying some ground work regarding this last night as she wanted to discuss a schedule for the kids. we did that and at first she wanted to disagree with the schedule i mentioned which was actually something she put together. After her initial disagreement and her trying to figure something else she realized it was the best option.
I have found this to be the case a lot lately. No matter what is being discussed she thinks what i say is the most ridiculous thing she has ever heard and gets immediately defensive. She ends up getting ready to turn into an argument and i just stop. I am not sure if things were always this way or not but i have noticed it recently. If she is not getting her way or someone doesnt agree then it is a huge problem.
So i let her know i expected the agreement back this morning and would send to her and that the other seemed to be a little shaky fro what attorneys have said.
A few weeks ago i sent W an email regarding some activities to do with the kids for around halloween and if she wanted we could do them all together. she agreed and we have done all but one so far. this is going to an amusement park near us that does a whole halloween themed deal. I mentioned going last weekend but she was too busy moving, i mentioned we could go another date and told her when i was thinking. She has never mentioned another word to me. So i made plans to go. I let her know yesterday and she kind of sounded shocked. I told her she is still more than welcome to go, but i never heard anything else from her so assumed she didnt want to go. She stated that it is not that she doesnt want to go but she has been so busy trying to move, then here is the kicker, in the same breath she said she is going to go out tomorrow night with a friend.
So in my head i am thinking, you have been and are so busy moving that you can not spend time with your kids at an amusement park, but you have the time to go out with friends both of the past two weekends. This is where i said i can not try understanding what she is thinking.
On that note, i think it is better that she is not going with us as she did not go last time as well and we had a blast.
So this is the last few days we will be in the same house. I am expecting her to be out sunday night. I guess at that point i will start going pretty dim with the communication with her except for the logistics of the kids. should be interesting.
updates
I have had some communication with the L regarding the separation agreement W had drafted. It was basically what i though when i heard she found someone to do it for 250.00. Garbage. My L said it could be good or bad that it was so awful because if it was ever needed to be thrown out of court it would be easy.
Some of the details were the following:
they tried to put in that the spousal support would not be taxable to her and i could not deduct it, LOl federal law states otherwise.
She wanted the child support but i still pay the preschool expenses solely.
But the big thing was the support numbers. When L ran the support numbers again to add that i would pay for preschool to recalculate we noticed and error. The spousal support never transferred over to that spreadsheet and when it was fixed there was a significant drop in the amount i will have to pay to her!
I am very curious how this is going to go.
I started laying some ground work regarding this last night as she wanted to discuss a schedule for the kids. we did that and at first she wanted to disagree with the schedule i mentioned which was actually something she put together. After her initial disagreement and her trying to figure something else she realized it was the best option.
I have found this to be the case a lot lately. No matter what is being discussed she thinks what i say is the most ridiculous thing she has ever heard and gets immediately defensive. She ends up getting ready to turn into an argument and i just stop. I am not sure if things were always this way or not but i have noticed it recently. If she is not getting her way or someone doesnt agree then it is a huge problem.
So i let her know i expected the agreement back this morning and would send to her and that the other seemed to be a little shaky fro what attorneys have said.
If you read enough here, listen to the vets, and learn as you go... You will discover that the WW/WAW have had this whole thing planned out. They did not just all the sudden jump off the tracks. In their heads they have a clear picture of what the separation, D, custody, spousal support, even the A should look like. By now you've gathered a little that she views you as the minor roadblock between her and this picture/fantasy she has created.... Which represents her complete happiness. So just accept this is how she is, and when reality starts exposing this fantasy and it's not matching up to what she thought it would be she will spew and scream it's not fair.... If that doesn't set you straight maybe she will get nice and tell you she wants an amicable D (amicable meaning you give in to her demands)
Just know this is what's going on, hold your ground here and protect yourself as you have been doing
A few weeks ago i sent W an email regarding some activities to do with the kids for around halloween and if she wanted we could do them all together. she agreed and we have done all but one so far. this is going to an amusement park near us that does a whole halloween themed deal. I mentioned going last weekend but she was too busy moving, i mentioned we could go another date and told her when i was thinking. She has never mentioned another word to me. So i made plans to go. I let her know yesterday and she kind of sounded shocked. I told her she is still more than welcome to go, but i never heard anything else from her so assumed she didnt want to go. She stated that it is not that she doesnt want to go but she has been so busy trying to move, then here is the kicker, in the same breath she said she is going to go out tomorrow night with a friend.
In the future ... Mention you are taking the kids to Scaryville on (whenever) if she would like to go.... Cool.... But do not go out of your way to accommodate and push back your plans .... Let her be wushu washy, if she would rather paint her toenails than spend time with you and the kids at an event that's her deal.... You pursued here... Last weekend you should have just gone with the kids and had a great time showing her you will not wait around for her to clear time in her schedule
So in my head i am thinking, you have been and are so busy moving that you can not spend time with your kids at an amusement park, but you have the time to go out with friends both of the past two weekends. This is where i said i can not try understanding what she is thinking.
This is just you being hurt talking here....along with trying to minidress... You can not control her
On that note, i think it is better that she is not going with us as she did not go last time as well and we had a blast.
So this is the last few days we will be in the same house. I am expecting her to be out sunday night. I guess at that point i will start going pretty dim with the communication with her except for the logistics of the kids. should be interesting.
Again... This is time for you, to heal and rebuild ... Use it wisely and allow her go in her own journey
Oh boy, where to begin.
Updating since last time. So took kids to amusement park friday. W TM a few times asking if we got there ok. I replied and told her i would send her some pictures of the kids. We had a blast, they were talking about this for 2 months and all the bravery they had disappeared when the people dressed up started showing up at night! It is ok they were ready to go at thatp point anyway. Went home and got everyone situated for bed. W was out with friend. I woke up around 3 am and she was not home. Even through all of in house separation this never happened. I know i prob shouldnt have but i called to check on her and make sure she was ok. No answer. Waited 15 mintues and called again as now i was kind of concerned. She answered and said she was almost hom and made some excuse about friend getting left and having to drive and she was almost home. I am not sure i believe her, but oh well at this point.
Saturday, i had to go and start doing some errands and looking at some furniture for the house after she leaves then get ready for trick or treating. I finally decided i needed to send the Separation agreement that L gave back to me. To remind you, when i first contacted L they ran some numbers for support for me and i gave them to W. She had those numbers entered into her separation agreement. Well when L reviewed the doc she ran the numbers again due to a change and realized the alimony did not transfer to the child support page and when she fixed it lowered the overall number a decent amount.
I had been a little worried about the reaction to be honest. She came home after me that day and then saw it when she came home. She was not happy. She started yelling and slamming doors. Saying we can just go to the f*&$%*@ courts. I prob should have let her be, but i figured we needed to have this talk either way. I approached her and began to explain why the difference. She was not really listening to reason and was not hearing me. Told me she has made financial decisions based on that money etc...I used this time to tell heri undertand and validated a bit, but i also told her that this was her decision and i can not afford myself to pay more than the state will tell me to pay. She kept thinking she will get something different if she gets a L involved. I calmly told her that is fine and she should have it looked at.
I used this time to make sure she knew that i am not trying to cheat anyone and I am still very concerned about making sure her and the kids are taken care of. She began to tell me that she will nto be able to make it financially with the amount i am telling her. I calmly told her that i ran the numbers in my head from the other amount and wasnt sure how she would make it on that either with the choices she has made with bills.
This went on for a little bit and was left with me assuming she will be contacting a L to deal with things. The big part of all of this is this is the first time i have seen her cry about anything since BD. I ma not sure if it because she was mad or feeling the reality of the situation.
We had to let go of this and put game face on for Halloween as we had people coming over, her divorce3d friend and kids and my mother. I had bought some food to put out for everyone and needed to get it done.
So friend shows up with two kids and her mother and her new boyfriend. My mother came then we had another couple that we are friends with show up with their son as well. OUr neighborhood is a good area for the kids. I made sure to push all of this out of my head and make the day about the kids. I was carrying friends little girl for her and taking the kids up to all of the doors and having fun. We wrapped up the evening and everyone left. I got the kids ready for bed then i left them for W to handle as i decided to go meet some friends for a while. I figured some time away would probably be a good thing at the moment.
So Sunday comes and this is supposed to be the official move out day. I had grocery shopping and house shopping to do, took S4 with me and was gone all day. Heading home and she TM that D7 is at neighbors playing and she was over at her house getting things done. I took this as ok, she is moved out. Got home and did some stuff and cooked dinner for me and kids. D7 called W and she said she was coming by for a little bit. She came over as we were finishing dinner. I told her there was plenty left for her if she wanted some. She ate and then hung out for a little while. Watched ipad with D7. I was getting them bathed and ready for the week. I asked W if she wanted to bathe D7 and she said yes. I always do this.
Got everything done and she got ready to leave. She was hugging the kids and saying good bye. I opened the door for her and wanted to give her a hug so badly. I didnt. We did have a moment just looking at each other in the eyes. She left.
Pretty emotional time for me but i had to be strong for the kids.
Got a TM from her around 845 asking if the kids were still awake. She know they are normally in bed at that point. S4 was asleep but D7 was awake. I let D facetime with her for a few minutes. I did not really communicate with her yesterday at all.
So that is my long weekend. Kids are with me for next two days, then go to her. That will be very hard when the house is empty. I thought i was prepared for this moment but the reality is hard. Looking at an empty closet or where all of her things used to be. D7 kept telling her to just decide to move back, that is hard.
Me.. I am ok i guess. As i said emotional time and i know i will be this way for a few days, but i have a lot to do and will get busy soon. Just going to need the next few days getting used to doing everything and running around like crazy handling kids when i would normally be working and tey were with W.
I thought i was getting to a point where i was ok, but this made realize i still love her and miss her alot.
Stay strong buddy.
I'm practically in your shoes. I'm 38, W 35, D6 and S3, BD last year and yes, she moved out.
It gets better, it really does...
Hey OTW,
That was emotional, your doing good. What have you been doing to GAL?
i have no doubts that it will get better as it did the from the BD day. Just one of those times i knew i had to go through.
thank you
I am sorry O, that is rough. You sound like you are doing really well with the kids, stay strong. Take care of yourself, take it one day at a time, and you are absolutely right, this is just one of those times and you will get through.
Vise,
GAL, well i have been playing a little rugby, gym 4 times a week, golf here and there, and heading out with friends here and there.
Now that W moved even though we are on day 2, i have had the kids the past two days I am busy nonstop! Trying to juggle work and their schedules and everything else will be my new GAL!
Little update
Usual monday morning routine as i always did so it was no big deal wife want there. Got kids off to school and went to work. Had to pick up S4 at preschool around 1130 and take home to work with me for a while. Had some errands to get done and then get D7 from bus stop and then get dinner stuff and head home.
Tried to do some at home exercises since gym did not fit in schedule. Cooked dinner and cleaned house, folded laundry etc..
W called s4 after school and had a quick talk. She facetimed the kids after dinner and D7 was giving her the business about going to her house in a few days and there are no toys there and asking w if she bought anything for her etc...My D can really pour on the temper tantrum and was doing it big time. W was getting very angry, but i just walked away and was taking care of stuff. No interference from me. They ended call and we got ready for bed.
Kids have no school today as it is parent conference day. Both are with me at office right now before we head out to schools. Will see W there. Funny story, tried to make sure dinner was in the crock pot before leaving the house this morning. Well, no crockpot! W decided to take it without me knowing. Off to walmart real quick for a new one!.
Tomorrow will be difficult as after kids go to school i wont have them again until friday. I do have some items for the house coming and need to get some things done so I should stay busy, but a big house all empty will be weird.
Will see how the interaction with W goes today. We did speak yesterday to sort out the difference in the child support that she flipped about. Was a decent conversation. I may have been too easy, but i really do not want a long drawn out battle.
UNtil next time.
latest update,
Well juggling the kids with no school and me working yesterday was interesting. I felt bad for them having to just go along with me, but they did well. Saw W at S4 conference at his preschool. Kids didnt act to crazy about seeing her, they were happy since it has been 2 days but nothing out of ordinary. Conference went fine. S needs to tighten up some things but he is a boy and just wants to play.
Had about an hour before D7 conference so we all went to eat lunch together. Both kids decided to ride with me. Seemed strange as i even asked if they wanted to ride with W since they havent seen her. Lunch went fine, kids acting up a little and W and I both had to reprimand.
Left for D school, both rode with me again. XConference went well. D7 is a very good student. Teacher did mention that she spoke about the change at home. It hurt me a little as I hope she is not too affected. I spoke with her about it later and she seems ok. Walking out kids gave W a quick hug and we left. I looked at W and she at me as she was going to her truck, she didnt look too happy to me. I could be wrong. I think she was hoping for more love from the kids. Who knows.
Kids and i went about our day of my work, we went to the gym and then home for dinner. We ate, cleaned up, took baths, and then watched some tv and popcorn. W called to speak to the kids. Whenever she calls i get the kids to answer and then put on speaker for them, or i just answer and say hang on to get them. The phone conversations do not seem to be going well for her and them. D is always asking what is she going to do while she is with her and S4 is saying he is not staying there and he is staying with me. I know this must be hard on her because it is hard on me.
Usual morning routine this morning. Except i was a little down as putting daughter on the bus knowing i wont see her until friday morning. I may go to her school for lunch tomorrow though. Took S4 to school and felt the effect as well because he is so attached to me. Difficult day for me.
Besides the first day after W left I really have had no contact or communication with her. We did have lunch with kids yesterday, but her and i had no real talks. I have not spoke to her on the phone or anything. This is really hard. Even during the time we were in house together but apart we have conversations or interaction. I really miss her and I am lonely in that kind of companionship area. I know it is just the beginning and will get easier, but just where i am right now.
Will be busy with work and a bunch of items showing up for the house today. Will hit the gym and take care of a bunch of chores etc...real GAL activities!
I am looking forward to weekend with the kids.
Hey OTW,
Sounds tough but your getting through it. I know it early but do you think living in different places is unavoidable??
Sounds like you have some good GAL happening.
I really do not know that answer. There were times when i thought things were getting better but it was just us being nice to each other. To see the mission she was on when taking on the move solidified that for me. I know your situation that W wont leave and makes me wonder why. If she was so miserable with you then why really stick around.
I think my wife felt she had to move because 1. she knew i wouldnt, 2. I think she associated me with her not being happy. By her doing that she first said she needed space, that didnt cure her happiness, then she said I think we need to separate, still no cure, then she figured the next step is separate living. If this doesnt cure her happiness then she will either determine she needs a divorce or maybe realized she either needs me or someone else.
then you can look at the complete other side of this and say she found so much happiness with the in house break and separation that she needed to make it permanent with the move.
I dont buy the last one. I know many of the other stories where things have either worked out or they tried that the living separated and there was a period of darkness before anything came about. I am not looking for too much on that rather than just getting through the initial mourning of the relationship and then carrying on with my life.
all the best bud.
I do have a question for the ladies on here.
I know my wife told me she felt I thought we were not equal and I was above her. That I was controlling over finances. That I would do what I wanted and she couldn't.
I have thought about all of this a lot. I see her point in certain areas. It also no the financial are came out of necessity to help her get out of debt and just ended up carrying on. Bad move but happened.
Here is the question. I see all of these inspirational posts etc stating that if you have a good woman that you protect her, take care of her in all ways , and don't let her worry about anything.
Now I know I was selfish and immature but I always put her first as far as her needs and have her everything. I know she wanted to be able to make those decisions on her own but do women really want to be taken care of or spoiled for that matter or does it just sound good?
I do know a lot of women that have been through a divorce or are older say they are looking for this and they are mature and know what is important. Their kids taken care of and a stable life with a man that cares.
I find myself wondering is this actually wrong?
I know I may be rambling but it is my first night alone in my house without my kids. Wife left 3 days ago but I had them. Had to deal with S4 crying on FaceTime asking me to come get him. Ripped me art so my mind is in overdrive now.
Thanks for the input.
So the past day and today have been difficult. The kids were gone yesterday and slept at W house. I was ok for most of the night as i had a few items delivered and was cleaning up all evening. It started going down hill when i went to grab the IPad my daughter uses as she has an alarm set to get her up for school. I went to turn the alarm off and when you press the button a certain way to get all open apps up it will show you recent contacts linked to my W phone. great. Saw a name i did not recognize and discovered it was a guy from where she grew up. could be absolutely nothing but i never heard her mention him or communicate with him. I quickly deleted the setting to be linked to her phone which can not be reversed without her signing into it.
this kind of set me on a little spin. Then factimed the kids and it was difficult to have them showing me the house where my family is and i am not with them.
To to it off S4 started crying asking me to come pick him up. I was a mess getting off of the phone.
Spoke to the kids this morning and S4 was still asking me to come pick him up. I know i will see them in the morning but it is hard from everyday of there lives to 2 days without them.
Went to D7 school today for lunch. At least i got to see her for 30 minutes there.
Still no real contact with W. Today will be day 3.
I have more stuff coming to the house today and i put a deposit on some awesome handmade bedroom furniture from two guys that are just starting out. They used reclaimed wood and make everything by hand. Same price as i would buy in a store, but 10x better quality and all solid wood.
I have contemplated going to a local establishment that has a national country singer performing tonight but i may skip as i want to get up early and be ready for when kids get there for me to get them to school. Prob make a last minute decision.
Well, I guess i will just keep journaling.
Headed home yesterday to take care of some things, laundry and cleaning etc..
Spoke to the kids while i was folding clothes. Had to work in the evening but took a break to call them before bed. S4 was asking me to come get him again. I was trying to get him excited that he was coming to my house in the morning. W teaches a dance class early friday mornings and she would have to drop them off at school really early. I told her earlier in the week to just bring them to me and i will get them to school. I know this may be helping her, but I would rather do this for the kids instead of making them be at school so early. Plus i get time with them.
W dropped kids off and they were very happy to see me, not as happy as I was to see them. They kind of gave her a quick goodbye and ran off. I kind of feel bad for her with this, but not my prob. I had some mail and paperwork for her, asked how she was and she replied good. She seemed ok, not overly happy but not too down either. I was happy as a clam. I had some new things in the house and am sure she noticed. She had to get going and i told her have a good one and closed the door behind her. No talks about anything.
Started getting daughter to bus and she had been acting a little down. I am not sure if this is affecting her or she was just having a down day. She kept telling me she just wanted to stay home and not go to school. I think she actually missed her toys as she was wanting to play Barbies.
Got son to preschool and he had more of a meltdown than usual as i was trying to leave. I know he misses me so much and doesnt want me leaving his side. I dont think he trusts that i will be back to pick him up. I kept telling me he will be with me all weekend after school. Not sure he belives it. I know he just wants to stay with me all the time.
This part is so hard.
I am kind of leaving the day to them. If they want to stay home and play and just be there then that is what we are going to do. If they want to go somewhere then we will.
I realized i am very happy today. It is because i have the kids. I am still thinking about W but it isnt as bad as the first few days.
Baby steps
Otw, sounds like you are doing well. You are so well in tune with your children, they are lucky to have you. I hope you have a great weekend. Stay positive.
So i spoke to soon!
W called me and started by sking how the kids were getting to school I told her the truth and told her i dont think S4 trusts that i was going to get him and he would be with me.
She then started asking questions about the separation agreement i gave her this morning. She was pointing out a few errors, and i calmly told her no problem just let me know and i will have fixed or we can just write on the form ourselves and initial. She kept going on some things in there and i finally told her I am not trying to pull anything on her and if we need to change something then we do. We planned to sign it together sunday. She then asked when i was giving her the money. I told her once it is signed i will give it to her. she seemed like she wanted it right away.
after that she started talking to me about some things about the kids and her house I really didnt engage in the conversation and just tried to get off the phone.
so NC was broken, but it was just logistical stuff. When she tried to engage more i kind of backed off. I know at some point i will start engaging some more but right now it is too fresh for me. I need more time to detach and wrap my head around everything. I am not looking to be friends right now.
So back to NC and see how this plays out.
Hey OTW,
Just giving you some support. You can get through this.
Update
Picked up S4 fro school yesterday. Grabbed some lunch and we went to my office so I could get some stuff done. Finally got to leave and he has been bugging me about a new character for one of his video games. We stopped to get this. Headed home to get it all working. I was getting things set up for him and he is just sitting there wrapped around my arm kissing me. He is so sweet and I feel so bad making him go through this and not being able to see me some days.
D7 got home off the bus and ran up and hugged me. We had a really nice day here yesterday so I went out to cut the grass and clean up some stuff outside. Kids played with friends and just let them do whatever. W called to speak to them in the evening while D was playing at friends house. S didn't really want to speak to her, actually told me not to answer. He was really brief and just stopped talking.
Got D from friends house so we could get some dinner. Figured that out and we planned on camping out in the living room watching movies. I think we all got tired and wanted to get comfortable so we headed up to my big bed and cuddled and fell asleep.
Now being it was W first weekend on her own and no kids I knew she would be going out. No word if she was or not but she didn't even call the kids to say goodnight. Just shows me she is still so focused on herself. I am documenting all of this. I feel bad for all of them, she doesn't see the damage she does by doing these things but wonders why they act different towards me.
W wants to get together Sunday when she gets kids to sign the sep agreement and then go through some pictures and see who will take what. I am going to sign the papers but think I will be busy and need to get somewhere instead of doing the pictures. I do not feel ready for thatyet. I have avoided looking through them as they are sitting out, just don't want the memories flooding right now. I also want her to know all of this is not her show and it will go as she plans.
That is all for now, going to take advantage of the weather before rain comes.
O, I agree that sitting together and going through the pictures would not be good for you right now. Are your pictures not digital? I am assuming you are talking about photos? You can always get them scanned and copied and then you don't have to sort them with her, you each get a complete set. You can take them somewhere or probably rent a scanner. No sorting or discussion necessary.
I agree. I think I will pay the bill for it just to have it done and hand them to her.
She called this morning after we were already out the door. Sounded like she was still laying in bed. Kids were short and I didn't speak at all.
I know that the WAS has been leading up to this for a long time and we are left feeling stunned by the actions but it still feels so weird.
So kids and i had fun out at the park before the rain came in. We had a few errands to run before we went home and got caught in a heavy downpour. Went home and ate some lunch. Kids played for a little bit while i did a few chores around the house.
W called kids in late afternoon, they had a quick conversation. didnt seem like either side had much to say. Kids and i decided to head out to Dave and Busters, a big game styke restaurant, we had a blast and started heading home. W still hadnt called to say good night to kids even as it was getting late. When we got home D7 asked to call her since she hadnt yet. I let her call, w did not answer then called back. She was out somewhere again, D7 started asking her why she doesnt call to say good night and where is she and where was she last night. W laughed it off, but doesnt get that she sees W acting like going out is more important. S4 didnt really talk, but when he did he kept telling her he wasnt staying at her house.
So Sunday came and i wasnt looking forward to kids going back. W called kids and i informed her that I could not go through the pictures today as i had somewhere to be and asked she meet us somewhere to exchange. She seemed a little annoyed by this.
As expected the exchange was terrible, S4 through himslef on the ground crying and i had to just let her hold onto him and leave. I drove around the corner to watch and make sure he calmed down. After 10 minutes she finally got him to go. This is killing me.
Facetimed them at bedtime and this morning and more of the same, him asking me to come pick him up and crying then being very upset.
I am looking for some advice from those with experience here. I need to speak with W about him. I do not want ot be causing any damage to him. I want to let him be with me when he wants, even if it means me going and getting him just for bedtime etc..I think the amount of time between seeing me is too much for him.
I know i dont know until i talk to W, but her past attitude towards this type of thing is that he will get over it eventually. I do not share the same view, I fear we are going to have some problems with him because of this. Anyone have any thoughts on this?
Meant to also add that I felt anger for the first time yesterday dealing with S4. I almost said to myself that I hate her for making him go through this pain.
Still really could use some input on the above
Hey OTW,
I think you should follow what agreement you have with your wife regarding when you have the kids, trying to get more time with him because that is what he is asking might look bad on your part like you are trying to keep him away from his mother.
Her time with the kids is her time and your time is yours, how the kids are during that time or how they act isn't a factor, unless there is abuse.
Thats just my input
I understand but I am looking at it in terms of his mental health. He is an immature 4 and as he gets older he will learn to understand more and make it easier but right now I feel I shouldn't rattle him so much.
Maybe I am speaking this way because his pain is hurting me as well. But I grew up this way and it hurt so bad being away from my father.
hey OTW,
What would your W say about this arrangement? If she disagrees I don't think there is anything you could do anyway. If she agrees then there you go , your the parents, and an agreement between the both of you will work.
But I think this crying will pass as this becomes the normal, you have to expect a transition period.
Maybe keep notes on it, if a couple weeks later he is still upset, you there maybe a problem. Then with that past history of crying, you could talk to your W.
You may be right. I think I feel I am failing him. I tried to make him feel I will always be there when he needs me and now that he feels he does I can't be there. I known he is too young to understand this but I guess looking to make sure he knows he can always count on me.
So not much to update. I had to communicate with wife regarding a few kid logistics for the next few days. I also let her know i am concerned about S4 and she responded as i thought. Saying he is only this way when he talks to you. I get that but the stress he goes through concerns me. I dont want this to shape his character in the future. We both expressed our views. I felt very dismissed as to my feelings on the situation and this has been going on a lot lately.
I feel everytime we have to discuss something my view is the most crazy thing she has ever heard and I feel she just wishes i wouldnt speak. I expressed this to her and told her this is how every conversation comes across, like she is rolling her eyes that i am speaking. She apologized and said she does not mean it to come across that way. She also expressed her thoughts on some of the items and I thanked her for letting me know as I do not see the interaction she does have with the kids.
She did mention that she believes S4 gets so upset because I get emotional when he does. I admit that i do now and then when he is crying and clinging on to me, but i hide it through sunglasses etc.. so i do not agree, but i will make much more of a concious effort. Do i believe this is why he gets upset..no, I held strong the past two conversations and he is till begging me to come get him.
I will monitor for the next week or two as this is new but I will not just sweep it under the rug.
D7 is so strong and so smart as well. She sends me texts on her ipod and lets me know what is going on. she also texts me in the morning when she gets up. She does not do that with W.
For me, I am busy doing things around the house to put my own touch on things. went and watched football with some friends the other night. I am having some upgrades done to my truck that I have wanted. I know i need to tighten up with money as i am now going to be paying a hefty support each month. This will be an interesting time getting used to the money situation.
I have also created a list of things i am going to start doing for myself, but honestly i feel i am occupied trying to get a handle on schedules and handling everything with the household i have not started yet. I am going to make a better effort after i get back from the weeding this weekend. I have mixed feelings about this wedding. He is one of my best friends. He was the best man in my wedding, now i am going there without my W. feels wrong.
I ma having a difficult time keeping her off my mind lately. It isnt as painful as seeing her everyday and wondering what is going on, but now i am wondering what is going on now that she does not have to worry about me watching over things or being around. I know this will get easier. I am going to really limit the interaction for a while as i feel the conversation regarding the kids wasnt the most positive, not that it was bad, but it wasnt the best.
I need to get out of her mind for a while. Wish i knew what she actually was thinking though.
Hey OTW,
Try to have fun at the wedding. It will be good for you to get out.
Hi OTW,
Just want to say as I've caught up on your S, I think you've done a tremendous job. This is not easy by any means, and you being a great father (to which your kids have a great bond with you) during this difficult time speaks volumes. I just wanted to convey this.
For me, I am busy doing things around the house to put my own touch on things. went and watched football with some friends the other night. I am having some upgrades done to my truck that I have wanted. I know i need to tighten up with money as i am now going to be paying a hefty support each month. This will be an interesting time getting used to the money situation.
I have also created a list of things i am going to start doing for myself, but honestly i feel i am occupied trying to get a handle on schedules and handling everything with the household i have not started yet. I am going to make a better effort after i get back from the weeding this weekend. I have mixed feelings about this wedding. He is one of my best friends. He was the best man in my wedding, now i am going there without my W. feels wrong.
I ma having a difficult time keeping her off my mind lately. It isnt as painful as seeing her everyday and wondering what is going on, but now i am wondering what is going on now that she does not have to worry about me watching over things or being around. I know this will get easier. I am going to really limit the interaction for a while as i feel the conversation regarding the kids wasnt the most positive, not that it was bad, but it wasnt the best.
I need to get out of her mind for a while. Wish i knew what she actually was thinking though.
I went through the in-house separation, then my W moving out just over a month ago. It has taken several weeks for adjusting to this new life. With your putting your own touches to your home, and spending time GAL really does help in the initial period.
But I do share that thinking of W more often than not was common for me as well, although that has lessened slightly. As you focus on you and the kids with W not hanging around, you will likely find you think of her less and less based on your enjoyment with kids. When you don't have kids, GAL is awesome again to take your mind from wandering. You appear to be on this track anyways which is great.
Again I know difficult, but try not to let your mind wander too much at the wedding and have fun.
One thing that helps me get through dark times is thinking what I am grateful for after I have allowed myself to feel my negative emotion. My S2 is definitely where I start and then I find myself with a bit of a smile.
Take care.
OTW,
Have fun at the wedding. Stay out of her head. It's dangerous up there. She isn't thinking anything she is running on pure emotions and emotions are fickle. They come and go. Try not to worry about what she is or isn't doing. I know it's hard but focus on you, bettering you, having fun with the kids and having fun with your friends.
just some updating
Was still without the kids the other day, but they had swim lessons starting that evening and W teaches a class when they would start. I told her to bring the kids to me and i will feed than and take them over. I would be at the swim lessons either way the whole time and any chance to see them more i am taking. I battled with feeling i am helping her, but i disregarded and thought of my kids only. W said she would call after her class. She did and said she was going to the gym. My mind was blown that she would not even go to her childrens first swim lessons. I just said ok and got off the phone. She showed up after it was over to pick them up. S4 of course was not happy about this. I have to direct his attention elsewhere and get him to go with her. They were coming to my house the next morning and tried to get him excited for this.
I headed to the gym after they left, and just thought i can do things for them and then take care of myself while she is so selfish and just does things for herself. Pushed it out of my mind as OH well.
Got home and had a bunch of stuff to do and called them to say good night, S cried again. I did not sleep at all, I have a bit of a cold and was coughing all night.
Exhausted but excited the next morning as the kids were coming over for the next few days. They got there and we got some stuff done and them headed back home to relax a bit. We ate some lunch then headed to pick up W's best friends S to take them all golfing. They had a blast. it is so weird that i still interact with the friend and her son but i dont mind.
Dropped friends son off and then took care of dinner.
W called kids twice yesterday and the conversations are so short, like she has nothing to say and neither do they.
I have been doing better not thinking about her too much. I know the kids are not that happy at her place. She always seems stressed when they are there. She will never admit that though.
Her an I have had really no communication still. Just a few small words about kids and schedule nothing else.
I leave tomorrow morning for the wedding in ATexas. should be a good break. I will miss the kids, I am not telling them until after i am gone where i am. Last time itried to leave town they flipped out. They are to be with W while i am gone anyway. I will be back in time to get them as usual anyway.
I am not sure what will happen with us moving forward. I dont think she misses me at all to be honest. Then again i have no way of knowing either. I am just working on being me and the best dad ever. My kids reassure me of this daily and it makes me feel so good.
that is prob all until i get back. I am reading every ones situations and sending a prayer out ot all!
Another Journal entry.
Well went to the wedding friday and over the weekend. Was great to see so many old friends and enjoy myself. It was a bit of a mix. I had a great time, but I also knew a lot of people know my situation and some beat around the bush asking questions and others just asked me straight out. It was difficult to talk about but i did. There were wives there talking to me about everything and it is so funny to see how different they treat me now. I actually start hearing their thoughts about me and how they thinnk W is insane for this. Made me feel good to know that women see me as attractive and a great person. I wouold share some of the things i learned about myself and M in general with whoever i spoke to.
I must say that i did get plenty of attention while i was there from the females, and while it made me feel good I really would have loved to have W there to share the time with. The hard parts were listening to the preacher then all of the speeches, they just touched on aspects of marriage and how it is a forever thing. I just wished W could hear this kind of stuff.
I actually had to give a toast at the rehearsal dinner and was a bit odd since i would typically mention aspects of being married or would mention W in the toast, but this time I had to go a different route.
Was really excited to get back and see the kids. W dropped them off and she stood out side the front door the entire time. I think this has something to do with the fact that apparently she tried to bring the kids by my house Saturday to get ipads and realized her keys no longer work and her garage door opener does not work either. She didnt mention anything but D7 did while she was there. I brushed it off. Apparently S4 has been asking a lot if W will move back home and telling her he wants to. She answers him with a no. That kind of hurts to hear but i am putting not a lot of thought into it.
ANother interesting event was that W and kids had dinner with my mother Saturday evening. S4 has been bugging granny to take him to get something she has promised him so she tried to make plans to meet up and then they decided to eat together.
Now my mother has been having a hard time with everything and is definitely more angry than myself about the situation but she did great and did not mention anything about what is going on. I do need her to be able to do this as she needs to be involved in the kids lives and no matter what happens be able to not get upset with W.
So this week i need to sort out Thanksgiving. I am not sure what W is thinking yet but we will see.
For myself, I need to get busy with my lists of things i want to do around the house and things for myself, but i have found myself very busy with just the day to day that i have not yet.
I havent been sleeping as well lately either. Not sure why, but I am not thinking on everything just cant sleep.
Not sure i am any further with the detachment. I think i am still trying to fake it. I havent had any real contact with W other than kids exchange logistics. She always seems to put a little info about what she is doing or something but i try to not engage at all. I wish she would not do this at all because it leads me to thinking too much.
So i will keep on for now. I do feel at times I wish she would just leave the kids with me and go away. I think it would be a lot easier, LOL.
otw,
Fake it til you make it. Thoughts lead to actions, actions lead to reality.
Why does W get to decide Thanksgiving? If nothing has been said I think you should make plans for you and kids and leave her out of it.
It sounds like you had fun at the wedding. Please remember, W doesn't want to be there. Why would you want someone around who doesn't want to be with you? It's her loss. It's a hard pill to swallow but it helps me to keep reminding myself of this.
Your awesomeness and the work you're doing on better yourself is attracting other women. Get use to it. There will be more.
Keep being awesome
G
thanks for stopping by and the encouragement.
I know W did not want to be there, i guess i meant that i wish she wanted to be there.
She is definitely not calling the shots on Thanksgiving, but i meant that we needed to sort out the schedule. S4 asked me this morning where we are doing xmas then said maybe mommy will come to our house.
Wow. I am not sure if it was the wedding this weekend or what. But everything is getting to me tonight. W called to say good night to kids but it was late. I found myself wondering if she would call or what she is doing. Then she tm me to see if they were awake. I got them to call her. I heard her voice and it hurt. I had to try to walk away and not listen.
Afterwards I am thinking about her and got emotional. I really miss her. I thought I was doing better. Now holidays are coming up and I normally love them and all that comes with it. Things just don't feel the same
Just needed to put this down somewhere I guess. I have not really communicates with her in two weeks now. I wouldn't break that now. I feel she has no desire to speak to me anyway.
OTW - I hear you. I was in a wedding on 8/29 and my X-anniversary was 8/30. I had a good time, but I struggled.
Wonka posted a great thing tonight. Would you call and profess your love to a heroin addict while they were doped up? So why call her? Keep it all in prospective.
I'm not going to lie, when I am feeling the pain. I go to bed early and jump in with the kids. They are both cuddlers and young so I can get away with it.
Thanks. I know it is all phases but the pain is just too real sometimes.
I laughed about the kids thing. I always let them sleep with me. I know this drives W crazy. I like the closeness of it and helps the lonilness.
I let them sleep with me last night so I am forcing their beds tonight.
Thanks for the words. Sometimes it really helps.
It is all too real. Be the best you can for your kids. That will help.
As for her, be too busy for her, don't give her details of your life, be happy and playful when you see her. Honestly, I made all those mistakes and non of them helped. Your best chances are to implement Sandi's rules as you can.
I am definitely putting the rules into play. I had 7 months of in house after BD. It was very difficult. I now have a sep agreement signed as of Nov 1. If we go by that date then I have 1 year until a D is allowed. I hope to really take full advantage of this time for me and see where this all goes. I have to admit I still hope it works out for us to be together but I am planning for the worst.
Fine line to balance here.
Unfulfilled expectations lead to disappointment. I know this all to well. Trust the process don't cater to her. Be busy and then only when she comes to you will you have a chance.
So a little update and a few questions need advice on...
Had spent a few good days with the kids. I really enjoy the extra time with S4 since he has to come to work with me after preschool and the days he is not there. I dont get as much done as i would like but that is ok. I have noticed that i need to get a schedule together for house cleaning and chores to break them down in to days of the week. It is very hard to keep up with everything. I know i can do it all, but just need a little more organization.
Kids still prefer not to go to W's house. S4 flat out says it to everyone. D7 has a little more tact about it, but her comments tell the story.
Still shocked W has not been to any of the kids swim lessons. She tells them she is planning on getting there then no shows. Kids ask her and she says she ran out of time. She works 3 days a week for an hour each day! Im shocked by this but a little relieved as well. I find myself missing her a decent amount and wish it works out but then when i am thinking she might show up I am dreading seeing her and hope she doesnt come. Strange.
So i had to send wife an email, this is my preferred method of contact for things, regarding payments i make to her and then the holiday next week. I wanted to see if she was open to the manner i wanted to pay her. Surprisingly she is ok with it. I also am scheduled to have the kids on thanksgiving but i offered to split the day with her. I did this because i did not want any other holiday to just follow the weekly schedule and have that thrown back at me. She responded asking me if I had any dinner plans. I am not sure if she was asking to see if I wanted to be included in anything she was thinking or not. She has her mother coming down to visit with a possible couple other family. Now neither her or her mother are cooks. I am really not sure what they plan on doing for dinner. She did say she would love to see the kids for part of the day.
My mother is cooking and my sister and her family are coming in town. My mother offered me to invite them over. So here is the first piece of advice i am looking for. In my response i will say that i do have dinner plans, but do I even offer them to attend my mothers? I am not sure i want to do this or if I should.
The last night around 1030 i received a text message from W. This not a first but not a regular thing. She tm the other day to remind me of something for S4 school. Something i already knew about and was taking care of. I did not respond to that one then she called me a few hours later about it as well. When she called i was on the other line with something for work. I quickly jumped over to her call and told her i was on the other line and seeing what she needed, it was about the tm from earlier, i responded with i have it under control and needed to get back to business call and rushed off thanking her. So, i get the tm at night and it was about a friend of mine rushing his so to hospital. Her message went as the following" just letting you know" I find this a little passive aggressive but could be wrong. she is making sure that i know she is only texting me because she saw something on facebook about a friend o mine and not becuae she wanted to. I responded to this one after about 20 minutes. I did not want to seem like i am ignoring her.
Tonight I have to meet her and the kids at swimming since it is her day. I have the swim suits. I am not sure i should stick around or be busy. I want to be there for the kids, but not sure i want to be there with her or make it seem i dont do anything but kids stuff. The problem is the kids are one after the other so one is sitting with us while the other is in lesson then they swap.
So my needs here are the thanksgiving thing, do i stay around during the lessons tonight, and finally is it still too soon to start some communication with her? I feel like she may the kind of person that may have some feelings change but will feel she can not approach or break the routine because she is stubborn and feels that I may be done with her and she couldnt come back.
I know this may be still my issue of not detaching enough and rushing things, but my feelings lately have started drifting from her and I now think i am more lonely and may want some companionship even if it is not from her. I dont want to go down a road that could create an issue though either.
Hey OTW,
Just stopping by, hope some one with more experience can answer your questions.
I am sure she know how you feel. you should watch your kids swim. Kids would love it.
ok,io ma bumping this back up. I could really use some insight from anyone. I feel like this place has been a personal journal for me and that is about it. anyone with anything that may help will be appreciated.
Hi OTW, I think you're right that it is your issue and you aren't detached enough and are wanting to rush things. Your post is almost all about your W. I haven't read back, but are you building a full life for yourself separate to your W. Do you have plenty of GAL going on?
Believe me, your W will tell you if she wants back in and the most likely thing to lead to that will be her very real fear of the loss of you...
I would really try and shift your focus from 'looking for movement in your sitch....is it time yet...do you think she is....'
Accept what is for now - don't look to move anything forward. Don't be the initiator in respect of 'us' - look only after your own side of the street and move strongly forward with your own stuff....that is the way I think.
Take care x
Sotto
Thank you. You are probably right about the detaching. I do have plenty of GAL but I still think about her too much.
I think I am afraid that if I reach a certain point I will not want her back. That frightens me. I also feel like i need to fill that void she left. I am also afraid of that.
I know afraid. Fear shouldn't run my life. When I step out and look at this from the outside it is not where I thought I would be. I know in a year from now I can say the same thing again.
Patience has never been my strong suit!
So my needs here are the thanksgiving thing,
Why would you want to invite her? What would be the benefit? In my opinion, just say you have dinner plans and leave it at that.
do i stay around during the lessons tonight,
Thats up to you. I kinda think that since you go to most all of them and this ones on her night, that its ok to drop them off get them going and head out.
and finally is it still too soon to start some communication with her?
To what end? What kind of communication are you suggesting? Its been, what, 2 weeks since you signed the agreement? What do you think has changed in that time?
I feel like she may the kind of person that may have some feelings change but will feel she can not approach or break the routine because she is stubborn and feels that I may be done with her and she couldnt come back.
This is totally you projecting on to her. Be patient. Keep learning. Keep growing.
I think I am afraid that if I reach a certain point I will not want her back. That frightens me.
Maybe. But so what? Why does that matter right now?
I also feel like i need to fill that void she left. I am also afraid of that.
Are you saying that you cant survive on your own for a time? How long were you married? How much time is it worth to you to protect that relationship?
O, I am probably too late, but if you want to be there for swim lessons then stay. If you need the "break" then don't. I would try not to worry about what is going on in her mind. Certain kids activities I love going to and others are a chore. So you decide. Try not to worry about what is going on in W's head, just do what you want. And if you do stay for swimming, and she sees you there, focus on your kids and having fun with them, try not to be looking at her from across the pool with puppy dog eyes. You are there for your kids, and for yourself. Not her.
As far as Thanksgiving goes, I would not invite her. She moved out. She is the one that is "breaking up the family"- so let her feel what that feels like. Enjoy your Thanksgiving, enjoy your mom, be surrounded by the people who want to be with you and have no doubt in their love for you.
Sometimes I feel like I am journaling here too. And then other times I get so much feedback that I can't keep up with it, and have to go back a day or two later and process it. Its all ok. Keep posting.
What are you doing today? Is there a GAL activity- big or small- something you can do today that will help you? Something that can get you "out of your own head" about this? Give yourself a chance today to just be O, even just for a few minutes.
Azz
This is really what I needed. You make total sense to me. We were together for 13 years. I am not afraid to be alone. I think the missing companionship of a woman is what I am meaning. But then you hit it on the head again. I can and will put that off to protect the relationship
I did end up staying at the swim lessons. The kids wanted me there. It was a little awkward. I spoke to her about the class quickly then kind of watched and hung with kids. She eventually did start asking me my opinion on some work stuff she was looking at. I just made sure I validated her choices. She also told me about something she has going on this weekend with her gym for charity and how exhausted she is going to be. I just listened and was positive with her.
I had PMA the entire time and then unfortunately S melted down when it was time to leave with her.
Azz
I do really appreciate the talk. I need hearing these things.
O, I am probably too late, but if you want to be there for swim lessons then stay. If you need the "break" then don't. I would try not to worry about what is going on in her mind. Certain kids activities I love going to and others are a chore. So you decide. Try not to worry about what is going on in W's head, just do what you want. And if you do stay for swimming, and she sees you there, focus on your kids and having fun with them, try not to be looking at her from across the pool with puppy dog eyes. You are there for your kids, and for yourself. Not her.
As far as Thanksgiving goes, I would not invite her. She moved out. She is the one that is "breaking up the family"- so let her feel what that feels like. Enjoy your Thanksgiving, enjoy your mom, be surrounded by the people who want to be with you and have no doubt in their love for you.
Sometimes I feel like I am journaling here too. And then other times I get so much feedback that I can't keep up with it, and have to go back a day or two later and process it. Its all ok. Keep posting.
What are you doing today? Is there a GAL activity- big or small- something you can do today that will help you? Something that can get you "out of your own head" about this? Give yourself a chance today to just be O, even just for a few minutes.
Thanks Pho. I agree with every hung you said. I responded to Azz and explained how everything went down.
My GAL is pretty decent. My job let's me think to much though and bedtime is really awful!
I have been keeping up with you as well. It's funny. I wish I had more to tell people but I feel the more I learn is from experiences that aren't what we want! Lol.
So just had an interesting encounter. I have mentioned before that W best friend is going through divorce. I actually thought she already was but apparently it is not complete yet. Still think she is not a great influence. Anyway, she is a notary and was the one notarizing our agreement. I needed to initial a new spot and so our kids go to the same preschool so i was meeting her there to do this.
So i get there and she says to me how come you cant be my ex husband. I did not know what to say to that so I said nothing. Apparently he is dragging things out and wants to go back about the kids situation again.
She then asks me about how the kids are dealing with everything. Now understand that her and W TM or talk about 1000 times a day. So i kind just paused and thought for a second and then asked dont you and W talk about it. She said well yeah but....I said look I am not going to say something that is against what she is telling you and seem like i am trying to make up a story or pull a guilt card. She said no, that they dont discuss it that much. So i told her how i think it is for them from my experiences. She said she knows and she can tell from how the kids are and has seen it herself. She tried to tell me that she told W that if kids wanted to go with her ex more she would not stop them. I didnt respond.
we kept talking about a few things and then she brings up that she still thinks it will work out for us. I was kind of shocked. I was very careful about how i responded. All i said is you never know with life. I said a year ago i never thought i be like this, who knows what will be a year from now. She agreed and said she was floored when she found out. She then again said she thinks it will work out and she will think differently. I said who knows, but i cant hang my hat on that and just sit around waiting. She agreed.
Not sure what to think of all of that, actually I do. I am going to think nothing of it. I just know I was careful what to say as I am sure everything will get back to her.
anyway, time to keep moving.
O, another interesting thought, in the few months leading up to BD one of H's good friend's W filed for D. My H was a big part of his support system, multiple calls/texts per day. I think oftentimes people going through a D influence the people around them.
O, another interesting thought, in the few months leading up to BD one of H's good friend's W filed for D. My H was a big part of his support system, multiple calls/texts per day. I think oftentimes people going through a D influence the people around them.
I strongly second this. My W's sister started her divorce stuff a few months before my W's BD. And they are closer than close. I have no doubt there is influencing going on...
That leads me to this question - how does one, if they can, overcome this?
yes, i have stated in earlier posts that this friends life prob looks good. She just bought a new house, new car, etc..but her father is bank rolling everything and she is wild. I think W thought well if she can do it then i will be great too.
W's father doesnt bankroll her though and that is where reality will start hitting.
Be very careful in confiding to your W's friend. Women tell their girlfriends what the H says.
It's funny how they seem to always think the grass is always greener. Take my SIL for instance. She is always going to concerts and stuff - things she never did when married. And she asks my W to come to a lot, too, even though she lives almost 10 hours from us, but will be a lot closer once the W moves to her new base. So, this past weekend the W mentioned something about her sister wants her to go to another concert with her when we go down there for Christmas. So, the devil got into me and I said she sure is living it up, eh? I don't think the W knew what to say but eventually said something to the effect of she only is doing that for me. I just said uh huh and left it at that, when I really wanted to say the truth. How bad would that have been?
Sandi
I am very careful. I made it appear as I am doing just fine and i only said things about the kids that anyone can see.
Spiff
same stuff here. It is like they all follow a handbook!
O, another interesting thought, in the few months leading up to BD one of H's good friend's W filed for D. My H was a big part of his support system, multiple calls/texts per day. I think oftentimes people going through a D influence the people around them.
I strongly second this. My W's sister started her divorce stuff a few months before my W's BD. And they are closer than close. I have no doubt there is influencing going on...
That leads me to this question - how does one, if they can, overcome this?
Spiff, what a great question. I never thought of that before, but now that I think about it, I think it would be wise to go to a marriage-friendly therapist for a "checkup" if you notice that your spouse is spending a lot of time and energy with a divorcing friend or relative. Probably would be wise to go for a "check up" every year or so anyway, but who would think to do that? Unfortunately we don't notice problems until they are really out of control.
I know what not to do! LOL. I noticed this when W started spending all of her time witht the friend. It bothered me a lot. I made passive aggressive comments about it and it slowly blew up.
Funny thing is I have taken time since then and looked back. i wish i was more of a friend to W's friend and that may have helped.
I think she knew it bothered me back then and stayed away.
Pho, I think that is an excellent idea. I just don't know how to even approach that in a counseling situation - its not like you can contact the counselor about it ahead of time. Well, maybe you can if both also see the MC independently, too. Sure can't bring it up with the spouse in the room!
As I have said in my threads, the SIL and I don't quite get along but have been a lot better lately. Heck, a few months ago she added me as a family member on face book. Somehow, I think its all a game. I have seen the texts. I have seen the messages. She sure is telling the W that the grass is greener.
Hey otw just picking up on your thread
We have quite a lot in common in house separation and wife's best friend going through a divorce
I think after Christmas my w is going to hit me with the its time to sell the house and go our own ways .llthe fact that for the past 5 months I think we have been getting along better than ever will not come into it ...so I am starting to try and prepare now been looking at properties arround the area and I will not be homeless not a chance but have to put things into place now
I am self employed and I am a couple of years behind with my accounts i want my accountant to make my accounts look profitable to help me get a mortgage will be strange not asking him to reduce my profit with expenses
We will do this for our children ...there are millions and millions of women on this planet why are we all so fixated in our W ...I know I am ....I need to think about all the bad things about her I need to write this out as a list
Take care my friend
Ghost
Ghost
I want to first thank you for stopping by. Second I want you to know that I follow your situation. I have seen you grow a lot in the past few weeks. I know it doesn't feel like it. I have my moments where I still fall apart and can't believe this.
I don't want it don't like it and don't accept it.
Those times are getting easier and fewer.
You are right we will be fine. I know this.
I am following a statement I heard somewhere. Hope for the best but plan for the worst.
I think about it often.
Keep moving.
Hey Ghost, I too follow your thread. Like you and OTW, my separation is also in-house until my W leaves for her new base. It is a very hard thing to do.
You are doing awesome! Keep it up!
One of the things I have come to realise is that we really do have no control over what happens as much as I hate this
I have started looking at it like this I was with my W for 25 years and married for 17
She decided that she wanted to finish things.....because I was not spending enough time with her during the evenings and she said I was not a great dad to the kids ...this is BS
Now the way I see it is if over the last 17 years I had spent every evening with her and did not give her space to breath and have her own time who is to say that we would not have seporated after 5 years of marriage or 10 years and she would have been saying to me I decided I wanted to separate because I was spending too much time with her and did not ever let her have freedom I was crowding her who knows
Who knows ....people make decisions for many reasons and they will find and make excuses like most people in our situation they talk in absolute negatives and remember everything as being bad just today my W made the decision to leave our toddler with our daughters boyfriend in our house whilst she took our older child out
So I said to her I thought this was unfair to him what if she needed the toilet or if there was a problem and she reminded me of a time 12 years ago when I had to go to a funeral and she had to work and had to leave one of our other children with a friend ...like this was 12 years ago
I just said to her that this is how it is now and I just have to get used to it that I do not get to decide how and who looks after my children and I if I do not like it then pretty much tough. Got to love her for this
Take care my friendsn
Ghost
Ghost, I just need to say that I see a world of difference in you. I know things are not going the way you had hoped, but YOU are so much stronger, less emotional, more confident. And I see a little anger coming through, instead of desperation. I am so proud of you Ghost.
Pho thank you
I see myself in a rollacosta and right now I am strong
I am not worried about being in my own house I do not even worry about selling my house ok that is a slight lie I am worried about it however I am less fearful the thing I am most worried about is the realisation that she will not be there ...and it is this that I worry about ...but I am working on this
Thank you
Ghost
I normally leave the weekends alone here and not post. But just saw this and I have a question.
Who is typing under ghosts log in?!!!
Just joking
Man you are a world away from where you were. If you are acting like you are typing then you are doing great.
Talk to you all Monday!
Otw thank you not sure how long it will last it's when I think of the future I melt
Have to stay in the current
Now the way I see it is if over the last 17 years I had spent every evening with her and did not give her space to breath and have her own time who is to say that we would not have seporated after 5 years of marriage or 10 years and she would have been saying to me I decided I wanted to separate because I was spending too much time with her and did not ever let her have freedom I was crowding her who knows
Who knows ....people make decisions for many reasons and they will find and make excuses like most people in our situation they talk in absolute negatives and remember everything as being bad just today my W made the decision to leave our toddler with our daughters boyfriend in our house whilst she took our older child out
This seems to be a common issue. Why do they just only want to concentrate on the bad and not the good?
Now the way I see it is if over the last 17 years I had spent every evening with her and did not give her space to breath and have her own time who is to say that we would not have seporated after 5 years of marriage or 10 years and she would have been saying to me I decided I wanted to separate because I was spending too much time with her and did not ever let her have freedom I was crowding her who knows
Who knows ....people make decisions for many reasons and they will find and make excuses like most people in our situation they talk in absolute negatives and remember everything as being bad just today my W made the decision to leave our toddler with our daughters boyfriend in our house whilst she took our older child out
This is the easiest answer ever!
It is because, wait for it, because they have to find justification everywhere they can!!! To justify their bad behavior, first of all to themselves. They convince themselves that they really had no other choice, but to stray...
I have heard all sort of excuses, from the one you mentioned, to the likes of:
- you were never there,
- you were smothering me,
- you always chooses blue,
- your hair is too long,
- you snore to loud,
- your cat has gas (yes, I have actually heard that one),
- and many, many more, all designed to give them an excuse for their bad behavior.
Nuts, totally nuts...
This seems to be a common issue. Why do they just only want to concentrate on the bad and not the good?
Hello everyone...Happy monday
Vapo, you are so right, they look for any possible reason to justify themselves and also to make sure they do not carry any weight on themselves. I have another example i will get into in a bit.
Updating
Kids were back with me Friday morning as W has to teach and she drops them to me in the morning and i get them to school.
After dropping S4 to school i decided to go to the docotrs office. Been battling what i thought was a cold and it had gone on for too long. Apparently it was a sinus infection. Got some meds and feel tons better.
Picked up S4 from school and back to work. Headed home to get D7 off the bus. they were both so happy to be there. D7 ended up playong with friends most of afternoon and then wanted to sleep over. I finally agreed even though i wanted to spend time with her i knw she doesnt get to see her friends as much now either. S4 was very pleased with this as he got Dad all to himself!
Got up Saturday and did some cleaning around the house. Had some errands to run so loaded kids up and went out. we ate some lunch and took care of some things. In the evening we headed out for a xmas parade and tree lighting near us. Kids were a little antsy as we had to get there early to get a spot but we made it. Got a few good pictures at the tree with the three of us. D7 did make a comment looking around talking everybody was all there with their families and it was just us. That hurt. I did send W a picture of the kids at the tree. she thanked me for sending. She called after we were on our way home. She was very short on the phone with them as she was on her way out. D7 made a comment about it afterwards.
Sunday mornings are rough as i know i have to do the switch. This time both of them were saying they dont want to go. Normally it is just S. I tried to avoid the meltdown and told them maybe W could take them to do something fun. Man this backfired. After the switch i got a TM from W. Please do not tell the kids i will take them somewhere without speaking to me first. I am sure the kids were all ramped up to do something and she probably had other things to do and either couldnt or wouldnt. I know how those tow kids get in these times so i am sure she was ticked off. So guess what take it out on me!
I tried to explain to her in a text that I was trying to avoid a meltdown and get the kids excited to go with her, which i did. But i also did tell her i told them she may have things to do and not be able to take them somewhere. I validated her frustration and assured her i would never do that. She did not respond. I did not apologize because i feel it was not wrong, i never made any promise nor say she would do something i merely tried to change their attitudes about going. I could try to find better methods, but all i could come up with at the time.
On that note, the kids are both becoming vocal in front of her about wanting to stay with me more. I am trying not to tell them that i will always let them be with me because it just turns out to be a broken promise. it is on W at this point.
So today i am still in my head a little about how W is still putting me to blame for everything wrong in her life. If the kids are a handful and not happy about getting their way it is my fault. I know it is not my problem right now. I am just really trying to pay attention to the children right now. I am seeing some changes in them and need to be very careful to make sure they are not getting too affected. Problem is I cant communicate with W too much on this as she thinks I am overreacting and causing them to be this way.
Ahh the life of dealing with WW. I wonder if she thinks the same things about me!
Otw thank you not sure how long it will last it's when I think of the future I melt
Have to stay in the current
Ghost,
you will not always stay up, but they will come around much more and you will start being able to fight off the lows easier.
So a little updating before the holiday..
A few things have taken place lately. I let go of the W blaming me for her having to deal with the kids being upset with her for not taking them where they wanted to go.
I had to email W with a few details about support payments to her and needed a few things. I had also given times when i would be able to let her have the kids on thanksgiving in exchange for a few extra hours on one of her days to cut down a xmas tree.
We emailed back and forth and she was prompt in responding and asking about when she is getting the share form the retirement plan. I informed her on everything . She had exclamation points placed through her emails, acting like she is all happy go lucky and sounding super positive. I found this funny. So after her last email asking about her money i replied that by the way our camper payment is due and the insurance as well. how would you like to handle? Background, we own a camper that we keep at her fathers campground. We agreed to keep it in sep agreement and split the payments. Well ever since i stopped her just asking me for things and turned it around, there has been no contact since! I found this funny.
She has had the kids since Sunday afternoon and they had swim lessons last night. She teaches and can not take them so I have her drop them to me and feed them then get them there. Her class ends an hour and a half before the lessons are over. the first time she called and told me she was going to the gym . Last night she did not even call, she just showed up when the class was over. This will not happen again. Even though i want to be there for the class, she is just using me. Next time I will have something to do. Even if i just leave for 20-30 minutes and come back i will not be used like this so she can just do what she wants.
So the kids were supposed to spend one last night with her last night before coming back with me today. Both were telling me they just want to sleep at my house tonight. I have stated that now D7 is saying this more now as she did not in the beginning. I had a few talks with them on how i can not just make these decisions and it has to be with W as well. I told D7 she needs to let W now how she feels as the two of them are the important ones in this whole thing. She is very reluctant. I am trying to make sure she understands not to bottle these things up and she needs to make sure she is heard. I am seriously considering finding a counselor for them to speak with. i do not want any future damage done.
So as W was trying to get them into car, S4 melted down worse than ever. This is very hard on me, but W told me i get too emotional when he does and it makes it worse. So i stayed strong and kept trying to get him to go. He was not having it. He actually started yelling at her and when she tried to carry him to truck he started kind of hitting. After about 20 minutes of this and after I asked once if she wanted him to just let him stay with me and her saying no, I looked at her and said, I will switch another night with you but i am not going to keep doing this to him, let him come with me tonight. I looked at her in the eyes when i said this. I could see some tears in her eyes. She finally agreed.
I do feel really bad for her about this, but i also dont. I know she had thought all along that this will just pass and they will be fine. I dont think she realizes yet that it will actually get worse.
So, thanksgiving will be at my house. Was going to be at my mothers but D7 really wanted it at our house. We always did this in the past. I think it makes her feel good so i made arrangements. Kids will have some cousins there and should be a good time. Will be strange, but i do have a lot to be thankful for. Going to fake it til i make it!
Everyone, try to put the bad behind for a day and focus on what you have!
Will be strange, but i do have a lot to be thankful for. Going to fake it til i make it!
Everyone, try to put the bad behind for a day and focus on what you have!
Thanks otw for putting words to my thoughts. Our Thanksgiving will also be strange, but then we always said "a little strange is always good" lol
OTW, you are doing great.
I see great learning taking place in you.
Keep up the good work.
Remember, detach, detach, detach...
I have done many hard things in my life, but detaching....
wow
OK here we go now that the holiday is over and I am caught up...Prob be a long one.
So, last i left off I was scheduled to have them for thanksgiving, but was letting her take the kids for a few hours to visit with. I had my sister and her family coming over to my house along with my mother for the day. W picked up kids in the late morning after i told her i need them back by a certain time. I took care of the house and yard while they were gone then got cleaned up.
I was scheduled to pick the kids up at W house. I have never been there before and i knew her mother, brother and a few of her family would be there. Kind of stressed about it, but nothing too much.
I made sure i looked my best heading over there. Got there and the kids wanted me to come in and see their rooms which i did. W mother gave me a big hug and was very happy to see me. Told me how great I look. her brother was saying the same. Made some small talk and joked around with the acting really happy. W looked a little down but not much. Grabbed kids and left.
Got home and the kids played with their cousins and had a blast. Dinner was good and we all enjoyed ourselves. We all crashed that night as we had a long day.
We planned on hitting one of my favorite parks that is on a huge river with sister and cousins. The kids had a blast and we had all of them climb a tree there and got some great group pictures we will use to give the grandparents for xmas.
WE all ate lunch then it was time to drop off the kids with W. The kids have not been taking the switch to her well. W is beginning to buy them a lot of things. I know it is because they dont think her place is fun so it is warranted but i feel she is trying to buy some love. She used to yell at me for buying too much stuff for them.
I met up with a group of guys I played rugby with for many years that evening. They all brought wives and kids as well, and i was the only solo one. It wasnt that bad and i had a blast. Prob stayed out too late after but was a good time.
I picked up kids early next morning to go cut down a tree with the rest of my family. Took kids home to play with cousins a little more then dropped back to W.
Spent the rest of the day cleaning up and relaxing. Took care of groceries, etc..Got up Sunday and went golfing with my group. Hadnt done that in a while. was very fun. Picked up kids afterwards and took them for lunch and play time at one of their favorite places. W was scheduled to come by in the evening to go through xmas decorations and split them up. I really was not looking forward to this, but told her i was cooking and she was welcome to stay and eat with the kids. She came over and I could tell she spent plenty of time getting ready to come over. I did take some good looks at her and She started looking a little old to me, or the fact that she maybe have the situation catching up to her a bit.
So we had to go through everything and split up. I actually probably let her take more than my share, but it is no big deal to me. I just wanted to make sure i got my share of the things the kids made or their stuff. Then we had to split the family items and the items that were just her and i type stuff.
I asked her if she even wanted any of them. She responded yes. This one was tough and i think it got to both of us. We finished up and ate then she left. This was the most time we spent together since she left. All good interactions. Kids made a few comments about staying with her that she prob didnt like, but i ignored.
As she was leaving D7 came running up and asked if we kissed, and was telling us to kiss. W was already down the walk to the drive way and I was at the door so we both were able to kind of brush it off. She is trying to play match maker i think!
Yesterday was back to the grind of school and work. Kids and I started decorating and made a list of things we need to buy to make up for what W took.
For me, well the holiday and the interactions with W made me miss her quite a bit. I realized i need to start taking down some pictures in the house of her and replace. I think it is time to just start one at a time. I have been doing plenty for myself and staying busy. I dont find myself obsessing over her but to say i am detached is foolish. I still really love her and still have hope. I have been trying to take note of all the small things that are positive and not dwell on the things i dont like.
I guess that is all for now, so overall great few days, good interactions with W and feel good on my own as well.
As I keep saying, Keep moving.
Just a quick update that I found a little funny.
So the night before thanksgiving is considered to be the busiest night of the year for bars and restaurants as no one typically works the next day. One of my places needed a Dj for the evening and i used to do this regularly so i stepped in. Well i guess the staff enjoyed it over the regular people they use.
I get to the same location for a meeting yesterday. This is the same one that I got one of W's best friends a job at months ago. W friend comes up to me and says she needs to talk to me. I was really unsure what we were talking about, either personal or what as she really does not report to me directly.
She begins to tell me they are changing one of the theme nights in the bar to a ladies night and they really want me to dj those nights! I laughed for a second and then told her sure.
Just found it funny that my W best friend who knows about everything that has and is going on with us wants me to work a Ladies night for her.
Should be a good one to get back to W!
Hey OTW,
I can see you are steady as it goes, good work on keeping your head up.
I have a question about your living arrangement, do you both live close by each other and do the kids go to the same school as before?
she moved about 3-4 miles up the road. I chose to sty in the house for them and the schools. She wanted to be close by as well. I am not sure how she is going to keep pulling off with the expense of living here though. I am sure she is burning savings. I think when money starts drying up this will be another wake up call for her as i know she is not working anymore than she did. Even with the money i am giving it just cant work.
otw- are you giving her money because you have to?
G, I am giving her money from the separation agreement. If it were up to me i would pay for some kids stuff and she would not get a penny from me. She doesnt need me or want to be with me but she needs my money though!
She is more than capable of working but hasnt taken on anything more than what she always did. She said well who will take care of the kids? Well i still do everything i always did and on my days dont ask for any help with the kids.
So been busy the past few days. Bunch of stuff with the kids and my own stuff. Been feeling pretty good but then something the past day or two had me feeling really low and wishing our family was together again.
I think it had to do with Sunday we all went to a Disney show together. We had bought tickets for this months ago. I look back and should have just had my mother come with me and the kids instead of reminding W about it. We had a great time and no issues. I think this spun me for a day or two. I also had a few xmas parties and was getting some good attention from the females. Even though it was really nice at the time the next days I was just missing W.
Then today the real part happened. Picked up D7 for dentist and she tells me she had to tell W to get off the phone last night while she was trying to sleep. She said she was face timing a boy. Not sure what to think about it as she was telling me while on the phone at first with W there and she wasn't stopping her. Then D7 said well it could have been a girl but I think she said this because I prob got quiet as I was thinking.
I just wish W would not be doing these things in front of the kids. I have to admit it really has me spinning today. I want to say something to her but I know I can't.
I guess I need to get back to very limited contact.
I'm so sorry OTW.
I'm starting to see the light, as it appears this pattern continues to happen to many. The best advice I can give you is to try not to obsess over what might be and just focus on you.
I think the worst is that I had gotten past the most pain. I knew that if the day came I found about another man that I would be really hurt. I am still not sure what the while situation is or if it is anything but how it all sounds I think I know.
This pain is just as bad as the beginning.
Yes it is. I can attest to that.
Distance yourself from her. Keep your pride and integrity. Let her do her things. Finding clarity (although you may want it) will not provide any help. Assume the worst. Deal with it yourself keep things moving forward.
Spoke to D7 a little more about all of this and she started making things up about it. She said she spoke to W about it this morning and she said it was a friend and she still loved me.
I looked at her and could tell she was fibbing. I eventually told her she shouldnt make things up and asked if she even spoke to W about it. She said no. She then said it may have been a girl. I said are you saying this becuase you were hoping it was me she was talking to and you dont want it to be another boy. She said yes. i could tell she was upset. I tried to console her, but dont really know what to say.
I dont know if I tell W about this or not. I know there is something in me that wants to, but I know for the dynamic between her and i i shouldnt, but what about for D7?
Hey OTW,
That is a tough sitch to be in. Part of me wants to say because it has affected D7 it needs to be talked about with W.
But this is a boundary you cant enforce? tough one
I couldn't stand hearing her say she made stuff up because she was hoping it was me on the phone then realized it wasn't. She saw how it affected me even though I just got quiet. I hated that she is hoping she was wrong and it wasn't another man.
I know I want to bring it up for her sake but I think it is for me as well. If I just know the truth I want to know how I will feel. I am in the phase of I don't want a relationship with anyone but her even though she has done this to our family. It is crazy to still feel this way.
Maybe I just need to know and also protect my kids feelings.
That is tough. It isn't crazy though.
I think you should assume it is true, and leave it at that.
Let things settle down, and see what occurs with D7. I'd imagine she is going to bring this up to her Mom.