Tomorrow my marriage could officially be over. With all my heart I don't want it to be.
Settlement conference with a judge..he has us in 2 different rooms and tries to get us to agree to terms. Probably won't even see her. Guess I'm hoping from a stay of execution from the governor..or my wife.
I made a slideshow of our happier moments and set it to music and sent it to my wife.
I guess I'm hoping against hope to maybe reach the person I married.
Sorry to hear that. Although you still never answered my questions on your other thread. Your relationship can still be saved even after the D.
To be honest, it sounds like you'd rather hold onto your pride and not open yourself up and play the victim rather than actually doing something about this.
I get it that you're hurting. Hell, we all are/were in your shoes. But unless you decide to do something about this, nothing will change.
That slideshow was the WORST thing you could have done. ESPECIALLY based on your last interaction with her.
Has nothing to with pride.
I admitted to her that I was totally at fault and just wanted forgiveness and a chance to show her that it would never happen again.
Has nothing to with pride.
I admitted to her that I was totally at fault and just wanted forgiveness and a chance to show her that it would never happen again.
I posted this to angel recently, and I think it applies to you.
Let's pretend that you beat a dog every day for 10 years. (And note - I am NOT saying that you are or were beating your wife) Then the dog runs away. You think, "hmmm, that was wrong of me to hit the dog so much." You find it and say "Im sorry, dog. It's my fault. It will never happen again."
Do you think the dog is going to come back with you right away?
Of course not. It will take a long time of repeated actions to prove that you mean what you say.
Same concept applies here. You cant just say "I was wrong. Lets try one more time." It doesnt work that way. You need to become the person you want to be and repeatedly show your W the new person that you are.
But until you put in the work, make the changes, be the new you....theres no reason that she will believe you.
I guess it is that the divorce is final today or within days
I guess it is that the divorce is final today or within days
So?
Do you want to save this relationship or not?
(So) I guess I'm hurting..that so
Then what will serve you best is to explain what you did. ESPECIALLY since that seems to be the biggest issue that everything is stemmed from.
Mr Bond you keep asking for specifics.
The specific is that I continued to lie to her about one thing over a period of months. I can't get into specifics anymore than that. The thing is I broke her trust. And she said she couldn't trust me anymore.
So we went to court and settled the debt. With me occurring 90% of it. Even though it was both ours and that she makes 4 times as much money. I just wanted to show thru my actions that I was willing to give.
So as for wanting to save the relationship. There really is no relationship. She wants nothing to do with me. She says she gets anxious around me anytime I bring things up. I asked her if she thought the settlement was fair? And she couldn't answer yes to that. She gets anxious anytime I try to talk about the past. Her answer is to just cut and run.
Bottom line is we can't help unless you say what that thing is. It can be saved but unless we tackle that one big issue, it won't be.
Did you ever read the books?
I feel you bobby. My wife wants nothing to do with this relationship , she just wants out and period. How can you treat someone you once loved like that? A disposable object with no feelings and throw it to the trash , and just clean your hands. I am in the same boat. I am fighting until the end , until we sign the divorce. I am working on myself, i have accepted my flaws even though she wont accept hers. But there is so much i can do.
angel r
I know how you feel. When there is one of you willing to walk the ends of the earth and try anything and everything.
Loving them even to the end. I even wore my wedding ring to the divorce hearing yesterday.
The one big issue was that I lied.
And I vowed never to do it again.
Now..How do I save it?
That'll a very rude way of putting it. We ask for details so we can help, and then you AGAIN give a vague answer and demand an answer from us.
I will tell you again. We can't help without details. Your marriage can be saved but you seem to be very rude about it. What did you lie about? If you do not tell us we can't tackle the problem.
I'm not going to get into an argument
Not sure how you view that as rude.
Unless you have a different definition of rude than I do?
So if you can't just accept the fact that my problem was that I was lying to my wife. That's all anyone needs to know. I am protecting my wife by not going into detail.
So if you have any constructive to say, fine.
If you insist on continuing to ask. Then I would rather you say nothing.
Again I will say. According to my wife. I broke her trust.
I acknowledge that things were my fault and have worked on my issues. Thank You
And did you even read the books?
Ok I can answer that.
Not from cover to cover.
So I have Divorce Busting book.
I have been trying to gather as much knowledge thru here.
I am guessing I go back and start at chapter 1.
So you think there could be still hope even though the divorce will be finalized in 2 weeks?
Can you give any personal suggestions.
Thank You Bond..James Bond?
You know I had a few issues in my marriage.
I was bad with finances.
I would not think of the consequences of my actions.
I was always running late.
So the divorce is the consequence I never really faced before.
Found that out in counseling, that I really never faced consequences before.
The good. I loved my wife unconditionally.
The only time we argued was over the last few months we were together. It was me pushing and pushing her to work on things.
I found out that pushing her to do something only made her not work on things.
We were always there for each other. Until this, when we seemed to be enemies. Not that I wanted it that way.
So if you can't just accept the fact that my problem was that I was lying to my wife. That's all anyone needs to know. I am protecting my wife by not going into detail.
I understand your point on some level, Bobby.
I do think that its very different, for example, if you broke her trust by having an affair vs. gambling away money vs. loaning money out to friends vs. lying about how much you made or something. Theres lots of different scenarios, and the way that we can give advice will change some based on what the background is.
"Theres lots of different scenarios, and the way that we can give advice will change some based on what the background is."
Exactly.
"Ok I can answer that.
Not from cover to cover."
That's why you keep doing the wrong things or don't know what to do.
"So I have Divorce Busting book.
I have been trying to gather as much knowledge thru here."
What we are giving you are suggestions just based on our own experiences. The book, however, is based on study and research as to what works. Reading the book fully and understanding the concepts are key.
"So you think there could be still hope even though the divorce will be finalized in 2 weeks?"
Yes. But I also don't appreciate your "either help me or get the h@ll out attitude" when we ask for specifics.
Here's the thing... you practically beg for help, then when we ask for specifics to be able to help, you complain about it. You were getting help from two vets who have been able to save their M's, sandi and myself, and we both asked the same questions from you. Instead, you blew us off.
You say that you don't want to get into details to preserve your W's honor/privacy. Well, she's not going to be your W in about a week. Where has "protecting" her honor gotten you? A quick trip to divorce court.
But that's up to you.
OK, first things first. If you are here to stop your D from becoming final this week, that will take an actual hand of God miracle to keep that from happening.
There is not a thing that we can say, or advice to give that will make your W "snap out of it" and change her mind and decide to cancel the final settlement meeting tomorrow.
However, if you want to work on a post divorce reconciliation:
You number one mission is to read DB cover to cover.
Number two mission, be open and honest with questions posed to you here. Sure feel free to change things to protect privacy (say you went to a restaurant, instead of the specific name of the place), say you were married in June if it was really December.
Were here to help, but you need to put in some work too.
Are you pussyfooting around the issue that you might have cheated on her and you just don't want to say it? Is that the "the thing" that broke the trust? I've been there with my wife when she cheated. Here's something important you need to know. If you cheated, she's not going to get over it. When we betrayed spouses tell our waywards that we're over it and we forgive them, we're not being truthful.
If you cheated, she's not going to get over it. When we betrayed spouses tell our waywards that we're over it and we forgive them, we're not being truthful.
Agree to disagree on this. Maybe you arent over it yet.
But I believe through trusting actions over enough time, that I COULD get over it.
But it wont happen by itself.
[hijack over]
I had sent some photos of my wife to someone with out her permission over a period of time.
Some were revealing. I did not have an affair.
There you have it.
Hi Bobby, I'm glad you shared that. The more you share, the more we understand and can help. So, I have some questions my friend...
Who did you send photos to and what was your motivation for doing this? How many photos and over what period of time? Did you disclose this to your W or did she find out? What has she told you about how she felt about this?
Again, feel free not to answer if you find the Q's intrusive...
Take care my friend
Photos off and on over a period of a year or so.
She asked me not to send them. But in the end I would.
I just didn't think it would go as far as her leaving.
And I am totally to blame for that. I know that now.
I didn't listen to her at the time. It was me not realizing there was consequences to my actions. At least that severe.
I put us in that position. I did not respect her wishes.
Thanks Bobby, I can see why she would be very upset about this. Trust underpins every close relationship - you betrayed her trust and didn't respect her wishes.
So, who was this person and what was your motivation for continuing to send pictures - even though you knew she didn't want you to? Also, was she initially happy with pics being sent, but then changed her mind?
I know that answering these Q's may be painful, but I'm just trying to dig a little deeper here my friend....
Nope she was never happy with me sending pics.
The damage has been done.
There is really no way for me to develop her trust again.
Especially if we are divorced and have no contact.
Hi Bobby, yes there has been some damage done. However, M's can recover from betrayals of trust in really difficult areas like infidelity. I don't agree that there is really no way for you to develop her trust again.
It would help to know a little more about the circumstances of you sending these pics. Were they to another guy? A woman? What need in you did sending the pics fulfil - though you knew your S wasn't happy with them being sent?
Once you are D and with NC, things can feel unsalvageable - but M's do come back from that. Only time will tell whether yours is one of those or not. But your situation certainly isn't hopeless. Your W may come to have regrets about the D - who knows?
What are you doing to improve your skills around personal finances my friend?
Okay, so what was your motivation for sending the pics to someone else? Especially if they were revealing?
I have been reading the Divorcebusting book and have been working on myself and recognizing what I did wrong in my marriage. Haven't found much on once being divorced. But I guess just continuing to work on myself is the way to go.
I think that's because the state of "being married" and "breing divorced" don't really matter to the process. I don't think anything in the book changes once you are divorced.
But isn't harder to get back together once divorced?
No. That depends on you and your changes. What was your reasoning to send explicit photos of your wife to people?
I have made many changes for the better. Been doing the 180. I just don't see how she will see or find out the changes in me.
We have no kids together and really no mutual friends. So there is little chance of interaction. And I know how you feel about sending letters saying I have changed.
I have made many changes for the better. Been doing the 180. I just don't see how she will see or find out the changes in me.
Because you are changing things to be a better you, your changes have nothing to do with her.
Eventually, she will become aware of your changes (short of her moving 1000 miles away), they ALWAYS become aware of your changes
Keep reading, and once you finish, read it again (GAL to keep busy).
Only thing our paths don't seem to cross. No mutual friends. No kids. No reason to talk to her. (I guess short of asking how she is doing) I am keeping busy. Thanks for support and encouragement.
You still haven't answered the question as to why you sent the pictures in the first place. THAT is the root of the distrust.
Haven't talked to my wife (ex?) in quite a while.
Haven't received final divorce decree.
At won't point if I don't hear from her in a text or a call would you suggest I call or text her. Or do I not?
I continue to make improvements in my life and am wishing she could see this.
I really don't want to ask her about the final decree.
I would rather talk to her about something else.
Just wait it out and hope to hear from her someday?
Or at some point should I take the initiative?
I'm sure these questions have been addressed at some point.
But it's always glad to hear suggestions again.
Is there a reason why you won't answer the question? That's the main issue. You're just dancing around it. You must be afraid or ashamed of something. Silence isn't going to help your marriage though. You keep asking for help yet won't give us anything to help you with.
Mr Bond
I don't know why you keep insisting on these things.
That part is between me and her. And we both know the answer.
The fact is I lied to her and broke her trust.
Do you continue to badger someone that had an affair on their spouse as to why they did it. The fact is they did.
So if you can not offer any constructive advise or understanding on things I would rather you not reply.
I appreciate information you have given. But I think I have said enough as to what I did.
Thanks
And to the others..my ex did text me yesterday. To let me know the judge signed the papers.
I am losing health insurance in this divorce. I have insurance starting on December 1st. Is it too much for me to ask ex to wait until the 1st to cancel me on her insurance. Her plan now is to cancel it on Wednesday. She said that is pretty close to the 1st.
I am losing health insurance in this divorce. I have insurance starting on December 1st. Is it too much for me to ask ex to wait until the 1st to cancel me on her insurance. Her plan now is to cancel it on Wednesday. She said that is pretty close to the 1st.
I think regardless of when she actually submits the paperwork, the insurance will stop retroactive to the date the divorce was official. So, Im not sure theres any reason to ask her to wait.
Edit to add that Im sorry that your M has been legally dissolved. Thats a tough blow for anyone. Keep your head up and keep moving forward. Your story isnt over yet.
I don't know why you keep insisting on these things. That part is between me and her. And we both know the answer. The fact is I lied to her and broke her trust.
While we don't need the "gory" details (like what kind of pics, or to see them), it actually is pretty important you are forthcoming about what happened. That is the only way you can find WHY it happened, and to keep from happening again.
It doesn't help that you are so defensive about it. For what its worth the defensiveness makes you seem less contrite.
I think I mention it up-thread, but you can change specifics if you are worried about anonymity (like say you are from South Dakota if you are really from Texas, or you posted pics to match.com instead of grindr, or you were married in 2010 if it was really 2008) or your a carpenter if your really a salesman.
We are here to help, but we really need to know whats going on. Right now we really can't take your word for it that you know what you did wrong, and have taken steps to change that behavior.
It stopped being between you and your wife when you shared photos of her outside your marriage.
You can either own up to it and learn from it, or you can continue down the path that led you here.
The choice is truly yours.
Seems like everyone else understands why it's important to explain what happened except for you.
As you can see, not explaining is getting you divorced. Is that what you want?
If not, you have to explain fully what happened so we can tell you how to make it right. But it seems you'd rather hang on to secrecy and be divorced. You have to understand that despite what you think, I am in your corner AND I've been doing this for a very long time. So I know what I'm talking about.
Divorce was final Monday.....and now it's Thanksgiving
Sorry to hear. I hate to say it but It sometimes seems like you enjoy these pity parties.
You practically beg for help. We offer it but need more info. And then you get defensive. Then something happens and the whole cycle begins again.
I will say again that you can salvage the relationship.
I don't see why you need all the dirty details to help me on this?
I don't see why you need all the dirty details to help me on this?
Look, it's easy to say "I won't share naked pictures of my wife to other people". But if you don't understand WHY you did it, then you're probably going to find that you've done something else in the next relationship you are in to fulfill that same underlying desire/need that you have. So, instead, we are trying to work to find healthy ways for you to fulfill that need. This will help you to GROW.
^^ I'll throw my thoughts in and say I agree with all the other posters also.
People aren't looking for the gory details of what happened they're trying to understand why it happened to help you. To help you.....
It's your life and you can ignore this but if you really want to make changes that will last you're going to need to dig deeper to understand why you acted the way you did.
Listen, you may have come here for the quick and easy way to save your M but you now have the oppertunity to really change you. That may work out being a new M with your W in the future but at the very least it will give you the tools to be able to succeed in your next relationship if it's not her.
I don't see why you need all the dirty details to help me on this?
When you've spent enough time on this board Bobby, you see where people's resistance is. You could have answered this question and been on to the healing and growth portion a long time ago. But you're not. You're still here stuck arguing why the pros are asking you for something. You haven't moved forward. You haven't grown.
Until you're ready to be real, none of this works. Hell, even then it may not work, but it won't work at all until then.
So keep asking why Mr. Bond needs to know. Stay stuck on this question and then you don't have to do the deep work that's going to move you forward in your situation. Even if you're D gets finalized you can still use the process for your own benefit. You can grow in ways you never thought possible. You can change your whole life, how you exist in relationships, and the potential you have for your next one.
Or you can stay exactly where you are.
Everyone is right. If you had actually told us fully what happened instead of arguing about it and saying how it was just between you and your W, then you wouldn't be in this mess.
And BTW, she is now no longer your W.
You want to know how to get her back? Answer the question.
Please answer the question so Mr. Bond can tell you how to get her back.
I'm three weeks from my D being finalized and I want the same answer.
I know why it was done. And so does she.
And it's something I would never do again.
So If I know why it was done. So I am asking you can't give advise on how to repair the marriage?
There is an old saying: If everyone in the room is telling you your drunk, don't argue your not drunk, just sit down.
There seems to be an overabundance of posters who are ready, willing and able to help. Yet you maintain its not important to go over.
Talk about putting the "cart before the horse".
Have you considered instead of the forums here, why don't you try calling a DB coach? While I am pretty sure they may ask the same questions, maybe you would feel better if it was a one on one instead of through a public forum/BBS.
So Mr Bond is there a way tell you in privet instead of on the message board.
Hi Bobby, there is no way to private message someone on these boards and posters can't share personal details. Might it help you to share the essence of what happened - but change some personal details?
For me, it's important for us to stand whether these pics were shared with your best friend, work colleagues, an online photo sharing site, her best friend or whatever - then we can get more of a feel for what happened. Also important is your motivation for sharing - what was it you 'got' out of sharing them?
But feel free to change some details if you can do that and convey essentially what happened.
So Mr Bond is there a way tell you in privet instead of on the message board.
Im not trying to be insensitive, but Im having trouble understanding why there is so much concern for secrecy at this point. Lets accept as fact that you shared naked pictures or videos or something of your wife with somebody else. I dont care WHAT is in the pictures in the slightest.
What we want to understand is -why-.
- Someone paid you a bunch of money?
- You were in debt and used it as collateral?
- You were proud and wanted to show her off?
- You get turned on by other men looking at your wife?
- Someone held you at gun point and demanded it of you?
- You wanted to make her feel badly about herself?
- You wanted to exert your control or dominance over her?
The list goes on, but my point is that something about this act has caused a major rift in the relationship between you and her. Whether it's reparable or not remains to be seen. What IS known is that without facing your issues, it remains likely that something similar could happen again in a future relationship.
In any case, I believe the first step is to solve out why this happened so that you can move forward.
Ok here it goes. Don't judge us, me or her.
Initially when we met we met other liked minded people on a website for "adult fun". There was no jealousy involved or anything like that. The trouble began when I continued to be active on this website and posted her picture. Not on the website but to private emails.
She had always told her not to send her picture out. And I didn't listen. And it came to a head when I posted a semi-naked one of her. And I then lied about it.
She had my email password. So I could never really hide that. I
knew she would find out. It became almost like a game to me. I was very proud of the way she looked. And liked the responses I would get back. The issue was me.
A. Not listening to her and respecting her wishes.
B. Lying to her.
C. Not ever involving her in this process. I would do it
behind her back.
As soon as we went to counseling and this came out. I finally realized how much I had hurt her. I vowed to never do it again. And I didn't. But her feelings were I had already told her I was going to do it. And that she didn't feel she could ever trust me.
So there you have it.
I might also mention about this same time this came out to a counselor. She was hanging out with a couple of single girls that had just both been dumped by their boyfriends. Before it was just me and her that would solve our problems. We didn't really have any other problems and had really rarely ever fought.
We had some financial difficulties at times but had work to resolve those.
I think I had a problem of minimizing the problem too.
Obviously I was ashamed to talk about it on here.
I told the whole story to my best friend. But he put too much emphasis on the whole (adult fun thing). When It was..and my ex will agree to this. Me not respecting her wishes and lying about it.
No one is trying to judge you or make you feel worse for whats happened. If you read around there are people that come to these forums after cheating on their spouses for years and want to fix themselves. Some have been in abusive relationships and were the abuser, others have done worse things. All we care about is that you admit your faults and are working toward fixing them. There might be tough love involved but the people here really do just want to help you. That sometimes involves digging deep and bringing up things that are painful.
So you shared these pictures with the site even after she asked you not to, we can see how it was a break in her trust. What motivated you to do it. Why did you need that outside validation of how good she looked from strangers to feel better about you or your relationship. What was missing in either to drive you to do it.
We know what you did, now try to answer the bigger question of why you did it and how do you avoid doing anything like this in the future. Its easy enough to say "ill never do this again" but if you don't correct the cause its possible it will.
This is a safe place, no one is trying to get info just to humiliate you. We all have things we are guilty of doing in our M that led to its breakdown that we regret. All we can do is fix ourselves and move forward with our lives being a better person than we were before.
Bobby, I don't have any advise on your situation (I'm no expert and have never been in a sitch like yours). But what I can say is that I offer my support. The fact that you have told more of your "story" will help others help you. Some may seem a little harsh but they need to know where things went wrong to better help you. Nobody here is going to judge either of you. We all want the best for everybody!
sometimes admitting your faults will begin the process of actually finding the root of the problem...
I thought I answered why I did it?
I was trying to spice things up by meeting some people for adult fun. We had done that a few times in the past, and I thought it had enhanced our relationship. ( I know that is hard to understand)
You did answer Bobby, I was saying that now others can better help you. It's nothing to be embarrassed about. I personally know a couple that has done this sort of thing. It's prolly more common than you think.
First, thank you for coming clean. It will help.
Ok here it goes. Don't judge us, me or her.
Absolutely not.
A. Not listening to her and respecting her wishes.
B. Lying to her.
C. Not ever involving her in this process. I would do it
behind her back.
All good observations. But I would also further:
D. Why did you do it? (I know you kind of mentioned liking to show off, but were you trading things, were you promising things, etc)?
But based on ABC&D what steps are YOU taking to make change.
If I would have done C from the beginning the A and B never would have happened.
I did not involve her in things that concerned her. That was selfish of me.
I am working on not worrying about making me happy. But working on making other people happy first.
I can dwell and feel sad, and miss my wife. I do that a lot.
But that is me being selfish. I am concentrating on putting my feelings aside and putting others first.
Hi Bobby, I'm glad you posted what happened - it is helpful to have a little more context.
So, from what you say your W was once a willing participant in the process. Can I ask if her participation was reluctant (ie: she did it to please you?) or enthusiastic, but then she changed her mind?
I'm not sure how this suggestion stacks up in DB terms, but have you ever offered a heartfelt apology to her for what has happened? One of the suggestions in my divorce recovery workshop is that you seek forgiveness for your part in the demise of the marriage. You are recently D, and your W feels you betrayed her trust by your actions - might it help to write her a heartfelt letter - not for the purpose of restoring the M - but to apologise for what happened?
Incidentally, I can recall someone posting a while ago who was involved in the swinging scene. I think his W had an A with someone they met through that. It may be that many swingers have happy M's and engage in that scene happily - but it strikes that it must be challenging to balance doing this and having a happy M. Food for thought perhaps.
Take care xx
Yes she was willing at first. Said she did it for me.
Then would tell me should didn't want to do it.....Said I don't want to do it right now. Not saying never. But would like to be involved in the process too.
I was contacting people behind her back and trying to set something up.
You think a heartfelt letter or email. Emails seem sort of....I don't know. Not as heartfelt.
Hi Bobby, can I ask if you remain involved in that scene now? Or would hope to be going forwards? I imagine that would be a red flag to your XW if you were..
Yes, I agree a letter would be more hearfelt, but do wait and see what other posters think.
You may want to have a look at Mahhty's thread for a recent example...not suggesting you plagiarise of course, but just to get an idea of the tone and content.
Yes, I agree a letter would be more hearfelt, but do wait and see what other posters think.
Under no circumstances write a letter to give to her.
Blue Time!
Ok here it goes. Don't judge us, me or her.
Judge? Here? Dont worry, none coming your way.
Initially when we met we met other liked minded people on a website for "adult fun". There was no jealousy involved or anything like that. The trouble began when I continued to be active on this website and posted her picture. Not on the website but to private emails.
So you were taking things beyond a level that you had discussed/agreed with XW? Im still a little unclear what the intent was? The danger of possibly being caught? The validation of the other guys?
She had always told her not to send her picture out. And I didn't listen. And it came to a head when I posted a semi-naked one of her. And I then lied about it. She had my email password. So I could never really hide that. I knew she would find out. It became almost like a game to me. I was very proud of the way she looked. And liked the responses I would get back. The issue was me.
A. Not listening to her and respecting her wishes.
B. Lying to her.
C. Not ever involving her in this process. I would do it
behind her back.
Yes, these are all issues. And I think you should look into them to see what caused you to do these things.
For example - you can not send out pictures anymore. Great. But if you still desire that validation from other men, what will stop you from doing something similar again - oversharing some personal detail or something?
As soon as we went to counseling and this came out. I finally realized how much I had hurt her. I vowed to never do it again. And I didn't. But her feelings were I had already told her I was going to do it. And that she didn't feel she could ever trust me.
NNothing you can do about that right now. But you can become a person that engenders trust from others. How do you build yourself into a person that can be trusted?
So there you have it.
I know this was hard for you. I hope you can breathe easier now.
Well done Bobby, I know that wasn't easy. Hopefully you get some insight now into how to move forward - which is all you can do.
PP
Nope not involved at all in that scene. It was just something we as a tried as a couple.
So..woundedfool..no letter?
What then?
So..woundedfool..no letter?
Nope, and none for the foreseeable future. *If you want to write a letter as a way to help heal, feel free, but do not give it to her. Maybe as a therapy write a letter save it, and write another in a month and see how it has evolved?
Lets find you some GAL's.
Remember DB-ing is COUNTER to what you brain wants you to do to get exW back, so maintain NC and do not pursue (sending the letter is pursuit).
It is counter intuitive the no contact.
My mind wonders how she feels..has she found someone else yet..etc etc.
Plus her birthday is coming up..on Christmas no less..can I call and wish her happy birthday or send her a Christmas card?
It is counter intuitive the no contact.
My mind wonders how she feels..has she found someone else yet..etc etc.
Plus her birthday is coming up..on Christmas no less..can I call and wish her happy birthday or send her a Christmas card?
You CAN.
What's your goal with it?
can I call and wish her happy birthday or send her a Christmas card?
Would you have given a christmas or birthday card if you were still together?
Is wishing a Merry Christmas a breaking of the no-contact?
I would t have thought so.
I notice there is a forum on here for "Divorced but not done".
It doesn't appear to be used much. Is it best to stay on this forum with my thread?
I know I sometimes ask the same questions on here. I guess I'm wondering if there is something I should be doing different or how she will ever know I will be working on myself and becoming a better person. It just seems like it has been so long since we have really seen each other. Basically since June. Only a handful of times to exchange things and in court of course.
The holidays are hard time, as I'm sure you all know.
Thanks
Happy Holidays
Hi BoobyB. I think the newcomers section gets he most posts For me , the working on you part has to be primarily for you If your happy with the BobbyB version that you are then changing for W will not be good for you in the long run and make it almost impossible for you to keep to the changes.
If you think the improved BobbyB is the one for you then that's who you should want to be regardless of Ws views A possible upside of being the new you is W may be interested
As for how W will see these changes , then that's again sort of immaterial because they are for you.
I think we all come on here to fix our Ms and we are taught first we have to fix us
The Ms are secondary because we can't make , guilt or otherwise control anyone else. And the thing is , we can make our improvements , we can become someone only a fool would leave and still be without our partners
As a very non vet I would advise improve you for you and see what happens
Take care. Rd
I didn't realize this was going on. I honestly thought you stopped posting.
Ok, thanks for telling us about what happened. Just to let you know, there have been others who have come from different adult lifestyles. We've had swingers, people in poly relationships, big age gaps, gay, straight, etc., and they all learned one thing. The more open you are and can detail your sitch, the better it is we can help.
You concentrate alot on that act of what you did to betray your W's trust. My question is, how was her self-esteem before all this happened?
While it is entirely up to you. I would look at giving a gift as pursuit.
I would also not do a Christmas card, it just seems too fresh. But if you really, really, really must send one, do NOT do a sappy/Mushy/etc one. Stick with the very "plain Jane" card with no personalized note.
Mr Bond....How was her self-esteem?
I would think it was good. I was always supportive and very complimentary of her. Always told her "I Love You" And that she was beautiful.
Just checking in. Holidays are hard. Thinking of what coulda/shoulda been. I'm sure we all do that. I know not to pursue my ex-wife. But it's hard not to pursue in my mind.
Just some thoughts here.
So I have wondered if my ex was seeing someone yet.
She had been on a dating site and I had seen her on there.
Then she wasn't. Then I felt sad, maybe she had found someone.
Now I see her back on....and I felt better.
I know this not helping me detach.. but I miss her
I know this not helping me detach.. but I miss her
Not helping you at all I would imagine. It's getting obsessive if your mental and emotional state at any given point is determined by whether you check a dating site for her profile, and what you find there. Plus, there's no way for you to know what anything really means and you are making assumptions that end up amounting to your own fantasy about what she's doing or not doing.
I don't mean to be harsh, believe me. I signed my own D papers a couple weeks ago so I understand a bit of what you're going through. Also, my XW and I went through a phase in the past where we experimented with sexual fantasies involving other people. She had fantasies about being with 2 or 3 men at once and I 'assisted' her with that fantasy while we were having sex by talking about it and describing scenarios very explicitly. That stuff is pretty dangerous because it has the power to excite as well as create anxiety. Now, we never pursued it in real life (at least, I didn't, can't say about her) and we never took pics or sent them anywhere, but as a man I can tell you that for a while it resulted in my having obsessive thoughts about her with other men and that was a hard cycle to break but it can be broken if you're having trouble with that.
The best thing is to start doing things to help you begin letting go of your attachment to her, your disappointment, guilt, etc. You don't want to make changes to show her, you want to make changes so that you feel and function better, stronger, clearer.
It's one thing to be moving forward/on while remaining open to reconciliation should the opportunity arise. But it's quite another to dwell on that as the only route to a good and happy future for you.
I don't know if you two are compatible. Admittedly you like "adult fun" which translates into sticking it into any woman willing. She, however, does not want this. Did it out of love for you which must have been very hard on her. Have you really changed? Only you can say. If you haven't then please leave this woman alone and let her move on. If you have then ask her out for coffee during the day. That's not an official "night out" date and have ZERO expectations of anything physical. Not even a kiss. It's a first date and it's only coffee or lunch. Treat it that way. Be respectful. Be the guy she originally fell in love with. Don't be a douche bag that wants "adult fun". If you want to be that douche bag that's cool, you can find all kinds of skanks out there that love "adult fun". Go find one of them. No judgment here. If you want this decent woman back then treat her with the respect she deserves. Earn her respect and love.
t12
Not have any obsessive thoughts about fantasizes or anything like that. That will not be a problem.
I agree the changes are for myself. I would never lie to her again. (that was the issue, that I did it behind her back, and I feel guilty about that).
The biggest problem is that I lost her trust. And I had always considered myself trustworthy. Which I think is part of it. I have always been honest and tried to be the best person.
Our relationship was really good. We were very compatible and never fought until the end. And it was me fighting to save the marriage. It is not like I needed a major overhaul of myself.
It's just that I screwed up on this one issue.
There are some other things that bothered her. I would always run late. And she felt she had to wait on me. Well that has been a big issue I have been correcting. That if in relationship with her or someone else, that will not be a problem. Thanks.
I know you said you have read DB.
But have you had a chance to read DR?
Please start a new thread.