Hello there. You don't know me, but I know many of you and your sitch's. I've laughed with you, cried with you, and held out hope with you. I wanted to start off my first thread with a heartfelt thank you for sharing your journey's with me and the rest of the DBers. I've been lurking this site for 2 months and have been DBing while physically separated for 4 months. Tonight, my husband told me he's ready to start seeing other people and I'm just crushed. I've never worked harder on anything to try to make this work.... never... and yet...we're moving further away instead of closer. I'm just devastated (and yeah- I know the point of the journey is to work on myself..which I have been doing, but I prayed and prayed that it would spill over to my husband and he could see potential in our M)
Here's my deal- married 5 years, together 10. I'm in my early 30's and H is in his mid 40's (yup big difference). No kids, no legal filings done, yet. Last year was incredibly tough and our marriage suffered. I started a new career, so did he... we just grew distant and when things eroded to the point where we couldnt even have a conversation with eachother things got a little hasty- H threw ultimatums and I completely withdrew. In Jan of this year, we went to a therapist and that made things worse (duh!). In March, I told him I loved him and missed him and really wanted to work on our M., to which he replied- ILYBINILWY. That's when things really got bad. I did EVERYTHING wrong- cried, begged, pleaded, etc. In June- I moved out to give him the space that he needed to figure things out. I didn't want to, but felt like I needed to respect his wishes because I would do ANYTHING to try and make it work. The night before I moved out, I received my copy of DR and have been following it to a T ever since.
During the last 4 months, we've had no contact except for when we transfer the dog and each time has been cordial. Tonight he called me to tell me he's ready to date other people so he can move on.
Welp, that's it in a nutshell....What do I do now? Let him date? Tell him I can't be in an open marriage? I just feel so defeated.
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Hello there,
I haven't done a good job getting into the swing of posting here, but I'd like to ask some advice about Facebook.
H and I are still "friends" and listed as Married on FB. We have many mutual friends and relatives. If he's getting ready to date (see my first post above) I know I don't want to see it as I am still very firmly attached. I am seriously considering suspending my account so I can just fully remove myself from the environment and not have to worry about gettin any glimpses of him out with ow.
On that same token, my db coach said that I could use FB as a platform to show how much I am GALing and may make him wonder.
I'm just not sure what to do--- maybe going completely dark via FB could cause him to wonder about what I'm doing, too.
Any advice? Also if it helps, I think he's falling deeper into a MLC. So I don't know if that should affect my approach. I suspected it before, but it's becoming more prevalent the longer we are separated. I'm starting to realize that I'm not the problem anymore (and have been working diligently to ensure I changed the things that needed changing) but I see him still all over the place in terms of what he wants, needs, etc.
Lastly, I'm doing this all on a mobile device and can't figure out how to create and attach the signature line. I may need guidance on that, too.
.
Unfollow him. You'll still be "friends" but his posts won't show up in your feed.
You can block him on Facebook, that way you won't see him. He won't see you either, but his friends and family will see your GAL'ing activities and probably mention it to him. I personally think I'd either just block him or deactivate my account and forget about GAL'ing to get his attention, but instead focusing on GAL'ing for your own sake. Do it for yourself. Pursue your own interests, what is going to make you happy, or at least distracted enough from your current problems to maintain your sanity. Whatever can get you through the day, whatever can keep you interested in life and not falling into too deep of despair. As you feel stronger and more detached you can change your plan, but right now you need to get through each day with as much self care as possible.
Feyth, sorry you have found yoursef in DB land. I am glad that you have decided to post so you can get more direct feedback based on your sitch. There are some really great people on here.
Can you start my telling us more about why your H wants to leave your M?
To add a signature, go to My Stuff at the top. You can find the signature section in there.
My advice for now is to read through all of the links that academy gave you, post on your thread often, and engage in other threads. It might take a bit for others to start posting.
I am in a similar sitch as you in that we do not have kids, but a fur baby. I do wonder what the R stats are for people without kids. It seems like it makes it an easier decision to walk away.
I guess I would do what your DB coach advises for FB. My H is not really active on FB, but I know his parents did mention stuff to him. His really can't post stuff about OW because they work together and are in positions they technically would not permit this. I think you can set it to hide his posts so that you would have to actually go to his profile to see anything,
Thanks all-
Pho- I think you are right. What's best for me is probably just suspending FB completely. At least then, I become a mystery, too. It's been really hard to stumble across pics of our mutual friends having bbqs and other parties in my backyard.
Bt-to answer your question as to why he doesn't want to work on the marriage- he doesn't love me, we're not compatible, there have been too many red flags. Truth is, he sees me as being selfish. He feels he has done nothing but support me this entire time and I haven't done enough to reciprocate. He supported me while working on my undergrad, grad, and career endeavors. I truthfully didn't see it as a big deal bc that's what people in their early 20's do. The last few years we talked about having kids, but I needed just a little more time to reach my career goal. Well, I made that goal and now I'm ready to have kids my biological clock has started ticking and h feels it's too late. Yes, he is older, but I truly never once felt the difference.
In addition to this, he started seeing an IC last year and she diagnosed him with death anxiety. He was having a lot of struggles dealing with life and unresolved issues from his childhood. These were things he was going through but he never wanted to share with me.
I get it- we majorly disconnected and failed eachother, but I just can't throw in the towel after 5 years of marriage.
You can block him on Facebook, that way you won't see him. He won't see you either, but his friends and family will see your GAL'ing activities and probably mention it to him. I personally think I'd either just block him or deactivate my account and forget about GAL'ing to get his attention, but instead focusing on GAL'ing for your own sake. Do it for yourself. Pursue your own interests, what is going to make you happy, or at least distracted enough from your current problems to maintain your sanity. Whatever can get you through the day, whatever can keep you interested in life and not falling into too deep of despair. As you feel stronger and more detached you can change your plan, but right now you need to get through each day with as much self care as possible.
I dont think you need to go so far as to block him. Why create drama thats not needed? I would just unfollow him ad anyone that may trigger you - his parents, his close friends. Then you still show as "friends", he wont be the wiser, and you wont have to see things that will hurt you. Plus, he can still see all of your posts.
What do I do now? Let him date?
"Let" him date?
OMG- Sandi wrote on my thread! I am in the presence of greatness and wisdom!
After lurking here for several months, I have learned to truly value your insight.
What do I do now? Let him date?
"Let" him date?
I get why you are questioning my question, but I'm wondering how I respond to it.
Believe none of what he says, 50% of what he does? Set boundaries? Completely and utterly not give a crap and accept that I am currently in an open marriage (even though we are only connected by that marriage cert)?
I could be wrong, but I think what Sandi is saying is that you cannot control what your H decides to do. You can set your boundry that you will not live in an open M, but it is ultimately your H's choice what to do. How will you set your boundary around this? Saying "let" your H date sounds like you are controlling the situation.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I'm just not sure what to do--- maybe going completely dark via FB could cause him to wonder about what I'm doing, too.
You probably know how this would affect you better than we would. You could begin by unfriending him, if his activities upset you.
have you read the books yet?
Hi Mr. bond, I've read DR many many times in the last 4 months and have been practicing LRT to the best of my ability. I do struggle with detachment probably because H and I are amicable and I still love him.
It's also so hard to DB when I only see my H for a total of 2 mins every week during dog swap. A couple weeks ago, I honestly thought I saw baby steps because he initiated 2- thirty minute conversations in 2 weeks. Then two weeks later he tells me he's ready to start dating other people.
I think I did somewhat ok with my response when he told me this. I said, "thank you for telling me. I appreciate you being open and honest. I respect your decision, but I am disappointed. You are not my hostage and I understand the only thing keeping us together is the piece of paper that says we're married. The problem is, that piece of paper still holds a lot of value to me. "....and then here's where I really messed up..." Knowing that this is in direct violation to my values I need to decide what I need to do next and I'm not ready to make those decisions because I have some fight left in me."
He thanked me for saying what I said. It was a 180 for me b/c I always used to hold my feelings in. He noticed and said it was huge of me to express my feelings so succinctly. But now I'm stuck wondering how to follow-up on my statement with actions- hence the cheesy facebook dilemma.
Anyway, I got to practice some more 180's today ( for my personal benefit). This morning, my car wouldn't start. It seemed like it was the battery and I had to call aaa for a jump. Turns out it wasn't the battery and I had to call for a tow truck to take me to the dealer. this should have been stressful for me, but I was completely calm and independent. Handled it all on my own- even though I wanted to call h and ask for advice/guidance on what he thought it may be. Plus it flashed into my mind how great it would be if I lived at our home and I could take our third car and just deal with this crap later.
I am proud of how calm I was because I was hosting a 300 person conference in the afternoon and normally I would have been freaking out. Instead I was full of peace and love. I'm not a vocal or aggressive person, but these things stress me out especially on such an important day. However, I was totally zen and it was completely natural and authentic- I wasn't forcing it! I had to laugh at my tow truck driver because when he dropped me at the dealership HE ran out of the truck, across the street, and to the service desk to say, "she needs help right away she has a conference to get to in less than 30 mins!!!" I just had to laugh and appreciate the goodness in people. He made my day!
I feel bad that I put myself out there and am not doing a good job at responding to others on this forum... I find that I don't have great advice, instead I'm on here absorbing all that I can. That is all- just feeling like a moocher!
OK journaling-
I saw my IC this evening.. I found out that H started going back to her too. Uch....she probably knows more than I do about my sitch now that he's caught her up on his side/feelings. It just doesn't feel good. I know she's trying to get me to move on... there's a 100% likelihood that she's encouraging H to do the same. It makes me feel really defeated and all that faith and hope has flown out the window for now. Sometimes it's nice to be in my little bubble of prayer and hope and dbing without having to hear from others to MOVE ON! I still have fight in me.. I really do....Ughhh this is so FRUSTRATING! OK venting over.
What makes you think that you are in the LRT? Has he started paperwork for a D?
hi mr. Bond-
Word on the street is- he's thought about filing for d, though I don't know if he's gone through with it.
Before I moved out, he had drafted a separation agreement, but he never gave it to me. At that point, I think he was still confused as to what he wanted and we were using the trial separation to figure out what he needed ( I say "he" bc I knew where I stood but was willing to accommodate.... Now I feel stupid for moving out- but there's no looking back now!)
I think I've been practicing LRT by not pleading, begging, chasing. Weve been no contact except for coordination of dog transfer. The only time I converse is when he engages and I listen and validate. I've been GALing and practicing pma and working on myself big time. he still has a huge piece of my heart and that's the hardest part of letting go. I still have "in love" feelings for him at this point and I can't seem to turn them off.
Hi Feyth! It sounds like you're doing a great job, I wish I had your restraint.
I'm not in a place to offer advice, but just wanted to offer my support. I'm impressed by how you handled the whole dating conversation. Now you can have some time to think about what you want. When I found out my H was involved with someone, I was so devastated and emotional that I immediately told him that second thoughts were no longer an option After I said that, all of our interactions went downhill and have been either filled with anger or nonexistent.
Now that I've had 4 months to process it, I am fairly sure that it would still be a deal breaker, but I'm not completely certain, and it's not something I can take back. I almost wonder if I pushed him to tell me so that I could put an end to being in limbo. Limbo feels awful, but in retrospect it's a good place to be. You can use this time to really think about what you will and won't accept in a marriage, because it mah not be what you initially thought.
Anyway, he's going to do what he wants to do. You do have some control over how much of it you're exposed to. I blocked my H (and his GF) because it also means I can't look them up, and during my weaker moments I need that extra barrier of protection.
Good morning,
Just journaling-
For anyone following my sitch- the Facebook thing was kind of a dilemma for me. I wasn't sure if I should block, unfollow my h, or just deactivate all together... Out of sight out of mind. Well, I ended up just not going on facebook at all. That way, I could still get my messages, etc. Well, I woke up this morning and thought I would go on since its been a week and lo and behold all of our friends had posted pics of a Halloween party at my/ our house. It was beautiful- I could tell who took care of all the decorations.... I enjoyed looking at the group shots- especially the ones with my h's arms wrapped around a young woman. Hmmmmm.
I knew he was dating so I'm not surprised, I'm upset that she's at my house, and I'm also delighted to say that I'm more attractive than her (maybe it was a costume?) anyway, I'm not one to rag on someone based on their looks(I personally just needed a lil boost) but she is 100% the opposite of me and maybe that's what he wants right now. Anyway, enough mind reading. After browsing the rest of the news feed, I go back to click on those pics again (to see him and her) and they disappeared. Every pic with them together is gone except the general photos of the party. Since multiple people tagged him in several photos, I checked their pages and they were deleted from there, too. I think h saw these pics and asked our friends to delete them. Hmmm was this an effort to not get caught or just protect me? Who knows, who cares.
I'm feeling sad.... I miss my beautiful house most of all this morning.
"I think I've been practicing LRT by not pleading, begging, chasing."
That's not what the LRT means. Did you read DB or DR?
Hi mr bond-
Thanks for responding. Yes, I've read dr many times. I was the begger/pleader/cryer and that was the first thing I stopped.
I'm not detached at all, plus we've been amicable and respectful so it's hard for me to let go.... Especially when I'm not ready... Also, I'm a caretaker and nurturer so the LRT kind of goes against my nature. I get that I can lovingly detach and that's what I'm trying to do. So that's been my 100% biggest struggle. I'm a fighter and it's sooohard for me to sit back and do nothing to try to help this thing.
Okay, so since you read DR, you should know that the not pleading, chasing, etc. is NOT a part of LRT. It's DBing in general.
The LRT is when you agree to the divorce and then let them take care of the details.
What goals have you set?
Mr. Bond, I don't understand your advice/info to Feyth regarding LRT. According to DR it is advised to use LRT in a number of situations beyond once the WAS has filed for D, which is likely why Feyth is following LRT. MWD also indicates it is to be used for the following:
*Your spouse has said they want a D and it appears they really mean it.
*You and your spouse are separated physically.
*You and your spouse live together but have very little to do with each other -i.e sleeping in different bedrooms.
*Your spouse has filed.
I just think it is important to clarify your advice as it is not consistent with what is in the book. It seems that Feyth's sitch involves the first two scenarios. It sounds like you are saying it is only applicable for the last scenario. Can you please explain?
Also, not chasing, begging or pleading are listed as don'ts in LRT.
I might have missed something but I didn't see Feyth say that her H filed for D. Just that he wanted to date other people.
The chasing, begging, pleading, etc. is the very FIRST thing you need to stop doing when starting the DB process. It's for all DB and not just for the LRT.
Too often people who come here assume they should apply the LRT when they shouldn't.
He has not filed for D. You seem to believe that is the only indicator to start applying LRT. That is where my confusion lies! My point is that this contradicts the guidelines in the book. Feyth's is physically seperated from her H and they have very little interaction. According to the book this is enough reason to start applying LRT. I thought I had read that he had indicated he wanted to D, but I don't see that now. Regardless, they way her H is acting would qualify for her to apply LRT according to DR.
I am only trying to clarify as a good majority of people on this site are in situations that according to the book should immediately start LRT. I think that is why you see so many people on here applying LRT. They are simply following the advice in the book. I followed LRT straight away even though my H had not filed. He had indicated he was serious about D, he moved into sparebedroom and we had little interaction.
Again, LRT is a major component of DR/DB so it seems important to clear this up. Am I correct in understanding that you only believe LRT should be applied if D has been filed?
Maybe someone else sees the issue here??
Sorry for the hijack, Feyth, but this seems important for you!
Again, LRT is a major component of DR/DB so it seems important to clear this up.
Im no expert here. And I may be sticking my nose in where it doesnt belong. But in my understanding, LRT is not really a major component of the DB process. Ideally, the DB process would begin well before anything resembling LRT is necessary. Unfortunately, by the time most of the users get to this board, they find themselves in situations where LRT becomes a part of the recommended path. The book does not promote immediately applying LRT to all comers though.
Just my 2 cents. And I certainly could be wrong.
Thank you all for chiming in with clarification.
To clarify my sitch: we are physically s with very little interaction, he is out there dating, and (from what I hear) he is getting ready to pull the trigger on the d.
My PMA for the moment and gratitude sharing for the day.
I'm so glad I found this forum after reading DR. I can't believe all the time and energy that posters put into the forum to help eachother during some of the most emotionally heart wrenching moments in some of our lives. It really brings tears to my eyes to see such helpful and compassionate strangers supporting one another. Thank you
Azzork has it right.
Feyth, can you tell us more about our marital history in better detail? You said he issued ultimatums. What were they? What was HIS reason for leaving. Try to be as impartial as possible.
Marital history-
It's hard to explain...we just spiraled and hit rock bottom, but looking back i see sings of H MLC.
-It really went downhill in Jan 2014 when i started a new job and became super stressed out
-March 2014- H decides to completely and utterly change career paths (he went from a financier to an actor)
-March-July- we are stressed, not connecting. He complains about Sex life (well I take it as complaining and nagging vs. listening for his true needs)
-On our anniversary in July 2014, he says, if we're not pregnant in two months there's no point in being married.
-that was a bomb drop to me and i seriously questioned if I wanted to be with a man who didnt care about my needs.
-From that BD, the crap just hit the fan. I was completely withdrawn and didnt feel safe around him.
- He also wasn't getting what he needed from me.
-We went to counseling in Jan 2015, but at that point, I think he was done.
- ILYB... occured in March 2015...
- I beg, cry, plead and try to work on us alone from March-June (that didn't work). I profess that he is worth the fight, and I will do whatever it takes to get back on track.
- I moved out in June to give him the space he wants
- been separated since then... Recent Evidence of pow.
- and that's about it.....
That really is how/when the relationship went downhill, before we were both completely happy and totally in love. In October 2013, he professed that he could never love anyone as much as he loved me.
I'm not perfect and am working on my issues (withdrawing for one), but I refuse to throw in the towel during this first really rough patch of marriage.
I should note that H was married previously... it lasted 1.5 years. Also in 2014, he started going to IC on his own because he was feeling "trapped" in his life and was diagnosed with death anxiety. He was also dealing with heavy issues from childhood abut being abondoned. a few months later he bought the Harley. Looking back, he for sure has to be in MLC, right? This whole time, Ive been blaming myself for everything.
That's the nitty gritty of it. Is there hope?
First of all you can't blame everything on an MLC. From what you described, there are many things that are just part of being married.
"-It really went downhill in Jan 2014 when i started a new job and became super stressed out
-March 2014- H decides to completely and utterly change career paths (he went from a financier to an actor)"
Nothing wrong with a career change. If he wasn't happy, then it's within his right to do what makes him happy. It's his career after all.
"-March-July- we are stressed, not connecting. He complains about Sex life (well I take it as complaining and nagging vs. listening for his true needs)"
Caused by lack of communication skills.
"-On our anniversary in July 2014, he says, if we're not pregnant in two months there's no point in being married."
Did you want to have a baby?
"-that was a bomb drop to me and i seriously questioned if I wanted to be with a man who didnt care about my needs."
From his perspective, the same could have been said about you.
"-From that BD, the crap just hit the fan. I was completely withdrawn and didnt feel safe around him."
Why? Because he wanted a baby?
"- He also wasn't getting what he needed from me."
Which was what?
"-We went to counseling in Jan 2015, but at that point, I think he was done."
Who initiated? What did you go for specifically?
"- I moved out in June to give him the space he wants"
Did he tell you to move out?
Thanks Mr bond for keeping it real! You are right, I can't blame it all on MLC, we did have issues that we both didn't deal with "properly." For me, it's one of those things I just never learned.... But boy, have I learned a ton over the last few months. That's what makes it so freaking hard to let go... I know I could go back tomorrow and do things differently. This is a marriage after all and I never knew how hard marriage was until now. We were never in a bad place before... We just spiraled and didn't have the tools to get it right ( or that's how I see it in my head).
To answer some of your non- rhetorical questions-
I do want a family, but I just needed a lil more time to get settled into my career.
I've been ready for a year now. It's something we always talked about.... But leading up to that we were so disconnected... He was so unhappy and it was hard to be emotionally connected to him. He was all over the place and it was exhausting. He would say "Let's sell the house, let's keep the house, let's remodel the house, I'm buying a new car, I'm starting a new business, I want a condo so I can go to auditons and stay the night, I'm buying a Harley and don't care what you say about it. It's my money" He wasn't letting me in- wouldn't share his world and was all over the place and I felt him pulling away and I had no idea how to get him back. To this day, I feel so guilty about not being able to do more... Because I truly love him and want to be his rock.... I just couldn't see what was happening right in front of my eyes. I was too consumed about how he was making me feel with all the chaos.
Re: counseling- he initiated and wanted me to come to his IC (the one he had been seeing throughout the year) so we could get tools to work together. Therapy bombed big time..... She is in no way shape or form a marriage therapist. It just made things worse between us.
Re: move- he said he needed space to see how he felt about me and if he missed me. Since he takes care of the pool, landscaping, and the granny flat (that we rent out) it made sense for him to stay there. I found a short term lease at a nearby apt complex and we agreed that this would be a trial separation to figure things out. Well, our trial time has come and gone. I did initiate an r talk in August, because we originally agreed to connect once a month and see how it was going. Since it didn't happen on his end I did initiate the talk. At that time, he said he was happy being on his own and not worrying about me. He still thought I was beautiful and he will always care for me. He tried to find those feelings again, but he couldn't. He needed more time... And he told me he wasn't dating... (And said I shouldn't be either)... And he said we would talk in a few weeks.
2 weeks ago was when he called and said- I realized that we never had that r talk. Did you renew your lease? ... And then went into the talk about being ready to date other people.
Happy to hear anyone's thoughts about this.
Hi all-
Just needing an outlet to vent a little bit. Hoping that if I awknowledge and release my feelings, I can get through the rest of the day without this brick on my chest. Like everyone else here, I have my good days and not so good days and today the anxiety is just really high and I'm feeling like this is all my fault and praying for an opportunity to fix it. H is not a saint- we both contributed to the downfall of the m.... But I can't shake this guilt and remorse today. I read about this all the time... So I think it's normal.... Just wishing there was something I could do outwards to make things better between us. (All my efforts have been inwards to work on myself).
I think I'm anxious about seeing him later for dog swap.... Anyway.... Looks like me and the gym have a date tonight so I can work out this stress!
Happy Friday!
Hi Feyth! Just read through your situation. You are in a horrible spot right now, but hope is not lost. You're doing a lot of things right, but the first thing you need to realize is that fixing things will take time...way more time than any of us want. Really acknowledge that fact, and take a deep breath. Now take another, and another...just be for a minute, okay?
Okay, hopefully you've untensed a bit, slowed your heart rate and breathing, and feel a bit more relaxed. Your H has complicated matters greatly by seeing someone else. The absolute worst thing about this fact is the flood of excitement going through his brain right now, via our trusty friend serotonin. He's likely feeling excited about OP versus feeling like he's done with you. It's an uphill battle from here.
What you have to do is focus on being the best you that you can. Find the truth in his complaints and start working on those things. There's not one of us who cannot improve in some way. The goal is to become a person only a fool would leave. WAS usually don't notice anything we do until we truly begin to detach...for some reason, they can sense us pulling away, and it is often enough to get them to start thinking about what they're doing. But honestly? Detaching is usually the hardest thing for most of us. We love our S and want to fix the marriage, not pull away!
Be aware of what you're facing. This takes time. Your heart will bleed. You must focus on you for now. Detach as much as you can. GAL activities help keep you sane. I highly recommend working on the goal section of DR as soon as you can. Having a plan helps a lot.
Doing this self-work is working on the marriage, not just you. You want a better marriage, right? Not the one that just fell apart? DB is not for the faint of heart. It is hard work, takes time and commitment, and is emotionally taxing. The fact you're still here after lurking and realizing the work involved is fantastic! I'll keep checking in.
Hi Ancaire,
Thanks for taking the time to reach out. I remember the first day you joined he forum and have been reading your threads, too. My heart goes out to you right now, but omg- you seem to be a pillar of strength!
I do still have a long journey ahead of me. Looking back, I'm surprised how many times I felt like I couldn't go on (with the db efforts) and yet I persevered. From ILYB, to the move, to the general no contact, and now the dating.... I've kept my eyes on the prize- which is creating a better me and building a better foundation for the next r- with or without h. I'm just exhausted from it all.... But I shall try to trek forward another day, another day, another day.
LOL...If I can do it, I know you can, too! I am determined, just like you.
Hello all,
Hope everyone's November is off to a great start!
Just journaling-really long post... sorry!
I know it's not right to diagnose other people, but I truly am feeling like h is dealing with MLC. Not that this changes anything..we're still here..but it's helping me cope a little better. We've had issues for months and I took this whole thing on my shoulders. Yes, I have things that need changing and I've worked on those things every single day since I've been on my own. I was disorganized, messy, and really didn't like cleaning...but you should see my apt now! It's impeccable and spotless! I was never really good at expressing my feelings and withdrew when I felt hurt... and now I am able to recognize when I want to stuff those feelings in and calmly let them out. There's still a lot more work o be done with me!
I feel like when a marriage goes south, the easy thing to do is walk away, I've been spending time with my new single "friends" and a majority of them are recently divorced and I find it funny that they are able to throw their hands in the air and say, "Whatever, I'm better off... I can do better.... I don't deserve this etc." It's hard for me to hear because I know they are not learning anything from the break-up of their marriage..... yes, moving on and letting go is imperative, but I am truly enjoying the process of learning about myself and ways that I can improve myself and my future relationships. Like many of you have said here, DBing aint for the faint of heart.
Anyway, back to the MLC. This wasn't something I focused on before... yeah...H's behavior was getting weird, but I saw him as a man who was kind of spinning and having a really hard time finding his happiness. (This was ~2 years ago, but he was still in love with me at that point). He went through this period of buying new clothes and changing up his shoes, worrying profusely about his thinning hair, putting all his energy into one business venture and then giving up after a few months and moving onto the next one... giving up.. and then moving on to the next one. More recently, after he got the Harley, he changed his wardrobe yet again. The vneck sweater-wearing preppy guy now was wearing harley jackets, do rags, chains, leather cuffs, etc. He was scruffy (and it was hot!) but it didn't match who my husband was.... in addition to this, more recently, he started displaying more "different behavior" like refusing to heat up his food in the microwave and using the toaster oven instead. Also, he is lactose intolerant and for years he never wanted to try lactaid because it didn't work for him once before... well, he started using it and was eating cheese/ dairy all the time. So that's not totally unusual in and of itself, but it was for him. His reason behind it was because he wanted to be able to be more free when he went out. (this was when he was working harder on going out and having a life of his own...which I never prevented him from having in the first place). Lastly, ~2 months before the ILYB, he lost a really important law suit that he had been dealing with for over 10 years. I know that event has shaken him to his core. He fought it so hard and it was weighing on him for quite some time. I know it was a huge blow to his ego.... at this point, we were so estranged that there was nothing I could do to console him and support him.
OK, so I am rambling a bit...but it just seems like the puzzle pieces are all coming together and I am understanding. I spent most of the day yesterday reading through hrm134's old threads (from 2012) and I so appreciate being able to read her story... just like most MLCers, my H has followed the script to a T, and even his demeanor while we were living together was the same as hrm's H. Her and her H stayed in the same house and she handled that situation like a champ. I wish I had know about the DB technique prior to move date as I would have tried to stay firm on staying. However, at that time, I was doing anything to get our sitch turned around.
Anyway, even though it's not a revelation of any means, I still intend to treat my H with kindness, respect, and compassion, even when I don't wanna!
Finally, re: dog swap this weekend. I was looking really good when my H dropped off the dog on Friday ( I was getting ready for a halloween gathering and made sure i had my costume on when he came by. Hey, i'm down 10 lbs and i look good!) I also made sure to have my best smile and PMA. He checked me out big time. Then, I slipped on Saturday and texted him a funny event with the dog and wished him a happy halloween. He didn't reply and I wasn't expecting him, too. I knew i shouldnt have done it, but I was happy and wanted to share the story. Anyway, I normally drop the dog on Sunday, but asked for another night b/c I really didn't feel like seeing H. So, I dropped him this morning on my way to work. When H opened the door, he was smiling and happy and wished me a good day..... I am not reading anything into this whatsoever, but it was good to see him smile! Maybe he had a great weekend with OW, maybe he was happy to see the dog, maybe my PMA helped him, maybe he enjoyed the extra hour of sleep... either way.... it was a nice interaction.
Thanks for reading my jumbled thoughts... have a great day!
Limbo since June eh Feyth?
Just wanted to let you know that I've been where you are. It's not fun. Limbo is almost worse than getting on with the painful parts, but there is a LOT to be learned about yourself here. I believe that limbo is where we learn to put our own stake in the ground and make decisions about ourselves when everything else is hinging on an unknown.
Really use this time for yourself. Truly dive into any work that you need to do and try to keep the focus less on your H and more on yourself. I spent a lot of weeks lying in bed during limbo just depressed and upset thinking that my W held the key to my future, future happiness, and all of the decisions that I could make moving forward.
It wasn't until I made a few of my own not caring how they effected her that I regained some power in my life. Make your own decisions. Like you I don't have kids so it was easy to say - ok, I'm now going to do XYZ no matter how that's viewed by my W or how that may or may not change the status of my situation.
You've got immense power right now, use as much of it as you can.
Big hug,
PP
Hello! Hope everyone had a nice week.
I need some guidance: tonight at dog swap, i am going to need to grab more clothes from our house. Im cold and need warm clothes! Ive been avoiding doing this because i dont want h to start the convo about me moving all my stuff out. (We were supposed to just have a trial s which is why i only packed my summer clothes and about 75% of my belongings are still at the house)
I get that im fearing something that hasnt happened yet, but im wondering what do, say, and how to say it.
H:we need to figure out a date for you to move the rest of your stuff out. You can borrow the truck if you need it.
M:thank you, this is still my house too and i plan to keep my things here until im ready to move it out
Or: im not moving the rest of my stuff out until you file
Or......????
I just dont know what to say. Yes, i am fearful that if i move all my stuff then we really are over. Its totally irrational since stuff isnt going to make any potential r....but what would you do and say?
Feyth, maybe someone has better advice or direct experience with this, but I would just say "I need to pick up a few things" and if he brings up moving everything, say something like "I just need a few things right now, we can talk about the rest of it some other time." Or is there any way you can go in and take what you need when he is not at home? He might not even realize you were there.
Thanks pho! That sounds like a sound approach!
Also- bumping this in case anyone else has some different approach/ experience.
Thanks!!
I'll go with the same as Pho. You just need few bits and bobs, not all of it! Just say you need to pick up few things and leave it like that!.
Thanks for your .02 Rouky! I'll be cool, calm and collected when I see him.... Always get anxious the few hours leading up to dog swap!
I perfectly understand you, I am always nervous when H comes round to see kids.
Keep PMA and acting as if :-)
Oy-rough morning. I was feeling pretty Neutral last night, but this morning the tears are flowing like a river.
I went to pick up dog last night and h informs me that "friends" stopped by and were still there. I said ok and id like to grab some clothes. He said ok.
When i got to the house there was one car in the driveway. H opens the door and tells me that they are practicing lines in the bacKyard..i walk in and notice that he has recently completely and utterly eliminated my existance in the house. Ok, it had to happen sometime. On the counter i notice a giant green purse and they were obviously mixing drinks. I notice that both our bikes are also out.
i go the mbr and h follows me. I tell him to visit with his friends and he says he doesnnt want to be rude to me and its fine cuz they were having a pit fire in the backyard. Alright...reading lines in the dark, by a fire with drinks. Ok.
i stayed for 20 mins packing up stuff. H made small talk telling me about how things were both good and bad with him. I listened and validated. He brought up stuff with my inlaws and i was (internally) so mad bc i miss my niece and nephew. Not my choice to leave the marriage, not my choice to abandon my in laws. Arg.
at one point i was putting stuff away in the closet and he says to me, i know its hard. I had no response. I couldnt. Packed a little more and had more small talk. I looked good and was cheery.
this morning, my tiny little ember of hope that ive been nurturing for months glows a little less bright. he just seems so sure of himself right now. More certain than ive seen him in so long.
Submitted too early- i know i still have it in me to continue down this path... but im feeling like a doormat because im "acting" like a clueless pollyanna in front of him in my db and lighthouse efforts. I even went through the doormat thread last night. Its hard to continue to stand up for the m. Especially one that has already flat lined. F!!
Hello there,
Haven't been on here in a while. Fortunately, it was because I was really preoccupied with GALing and work travel... However, I think I suffered a bit of a set back this weekend. I was doing so well and actually feelin great and all of a sudden everything came rushing back and I am now in this pit of despair. It's like a deeper level of grief and pain than I had before. Maybe I'm mourning the marriage officially now? Maybe I'm becoming more accepting that this isn't going to work out?. I've been DBing for 5 months and I've gotten nothing from H (I know- no expectations)... But I just want/need a nugget of SOMETHING from him. I miss him, my house, my inlaws, our friendship... Everything. I am so surprised by how much I still love him. It's crazy.. And that's what makes me want to continue and not throw in the towel. Lord knows that's the easy way out. I don't want to give up on him and us, but maybe this is par for the course?
Ugh- just needed an outlet to let this out and shift the focus back to me. Personally, I've been doin well- took up Kung fu, bible study, and Rosetta Stone Spanish...I'm continuing my meditation and social endeavors as well. It was working wonders until recently and I'm not sure what triggered this emotional backslide. Ok- no sulking- just moving. Enjoy your week!
I was doing so well and actually feelin great and all of a sudden everything came rushing back and I am now in this pit of despair.
Feyth -
Glad to hear youre doing well overall. My advice is to feel the despair. Understand why it came on. Try to figure out exactly what you are afraid of or upset by. Then let it go.
The pits will keep coming, but youll find that it's farther apart and less intense each time. Just roll with it, pick youself up, and keep on going.
Feyth, I am right there with you. Each day that is tough, as I get ready for bed I tell myself "one more bad day over" because you know you have to go through a certain amount of bad days before we come out on the other side. One step closer to wherever this journey is taking me. Hang in there Feyth.
I too am having one of those. I think it is the reality of it all and it is crashing down around me. Know you are not alone in this. We might all have a different stage to go through but we have all been there I am sure.
Thanks Azzork, Ph0, and 2point,
I agree we need to acknowledge the pain, recognize why we're feeling it and then move on. One foot in front of the other..... And take things minute by minute.
Heartbreak is so painful. It really is interesting how we keep getting handed these emotional bombs that are so destructive and yet we continue to fight the good fight and stand up for what we believe in. I look back and realize that I am strong.... (Even if I don't feel it right now). We all are strong.
Hi Feyth,
Just read up about you.. I had popped in once in a while to your thread in the past. Our situations are somewhat similar... except you have way more contact with your H than I have with my W. Had the same FB issues (I blocked her), both stuck in this limbo state.. ugh. I got the 'sorry this is so hard' comment a few times right after she moved out. I am trying to learn spanish too... we'll see how that goes. I slipped up and texted my wife a story a while back as well... it happens.
Anyway, it seems like you are holding up remarkably well. I guess like one of the other posters mentioned we just have to use this time make our selves better right? We'll get there
Hello everyone and how ya doing pinn?!
Hope you had a nice thanksgiving. I'm doing ok. Thanksgiving was hard, but not as hard as other recent events. Thanksgiving was/is Hs favorite holiday. He has dietary restrictions so I always took special care to make his own dressing, mashed potatoes, and dessert. Over the years, I adopted a menu and it became a tradition to make these items just for him. He would always be in heaven over the smells of our kitchen on thanksgiving morning.
Last year, I had food poisoning so we didn't celebrate and this year... Well I just spent it with my family without him. Gosh, it's been 5 months and he is still noticeably absent at these functions. Eh.... The emotions will pass. It was hard because everyone was asking where my dog was and it was hard to explain that he was with h. Everyone missed the dog! That was hardest to talk about!
Anyway, I actually popped in here today because I have a question and I just want to be prepared with options on how best to handle it. So my SIL flew in from back east this morning. She has an event a few hours away next week and came in early to spend the weekend with H. There's a really good chance that I'm going to see her. Now, I don't know what H talks to her about in terms of me, but I do know they are tight. She drives him absolutely crazy, but they'rve got each other's backs. I reached out to her in June so we could talk as I was having a hard time with all of this and she said H is her brother and she doesn't feel comfortable discussing anything with me. It was a hard bullet to take, but I figured at that time h was just saying anything he could to justify his actions (I have no idea if he's playing victim or what). Anyway, I let it go and haven't reached out since. At one point I reached out to my MiL too on her bday and never got anything back either. Again.... I don't know what H has told them and it really doesn't matter
So, if/ when I see her tonight, during dog swap how should I act? Friendly? Initiate a hug? Ask how she's doing? Or just be as brief as I've been with h? With H I've been friendly, provided a listening ear., but I don't engage- i let him lead. Since she blew me off, do I act as if and be happy to see her? Any advice would be welcome!
Hey Feyth,
I hear you about the dog... ugh... funny the things that can get to us huh? Glad T-day was not too bad. I felt the same way... hard... but not as hard as it could have been.
Anyway, I don't like given advice because I am such a newb but I think I would act as if I am happy to see her. Not overly so, and I probably would not initiate a hug or anything, but I would definitely be pleasant. I am sure you will be able to tell in a few seconds what she is feeling.
That is just me though... hopefully someone else chimes in!
Hi Feyth,
We all know that WH tells porky lies, so don't even think about what he has told his sister. Act as if, be pleasant and happy to see her. Be the same that you were with her before all this. As far as you are concerned, she did nothing wrong.
Thanks pinn and rouky.
So SIL didn't poke her head out at all.... I guess that answers that!
H was in a good mood and I could tell he was going to be happy b/c his texts coordinating dog swap were a lil peppy.... he hasn't used the words cool! or great! with me in forever. It's interesting to me b/c he's always complaining about someone or something. I know his sister used to drive him nuts, for a multitude of reasons. When things started going south for me and H and right before I moved out, he started talking to his Sister more and they even started saying " Love you" to eachother. He doesn't say those words to anyone in his family...not his mom... and NEVER to his dad. They don't say it back either. I think this is part of the "stuff" that H is workign on in dealing with his childhood issues. I remember it used to make me so jealous that he was newly expressing love to his sister as he was completely rejecting me. Oh well.
When I went to get the dog, he was super happy. and engaging me in small talk. I had the opportunity to give him a compliment on something and he appreciated it.
On to something NOT related to H.... In 5 months, I haven't had the desire to cook at all. Making nice nutritious and varied meals for me and H was something that meant a lot to me while in my role as W. I guess it's part of my "acts of service" love language. As I elluded in my post above, making things that my H could eat was important to me. Since I moved out, I have had zero interest in cooking.... everything I prepped was just out of necessity. For some reason, today, my desire to cook came back (it's likely fleeting), but I had this subconcious desire to make a real meal. So tonight I made a steak with mushrooms in a port reduction and roasted cauliflower. There's also a flourless quiche in the oven for tomorrow morning. I guess cooking came to mind due to TxGiving, and it was weird that I even mentioned the cooking in the post above without even realizing that it was a need I needed to fill within myself. I actually realized this as I was prepping tonights meal... it hit me like a ton of bricks, "Oh my gosh, I'm excited about cooking this meal!" Before this, the thought of preparing a nice meal just made me sad bc it was reserved as a service that I did for H.
That's a good sign right!?!?!
Hi Feyth,
That sounds like some good personal growth. I would take that as a good sign that no matter what you will be OK. I had something similar. My wife and I used to run races a lot. The first one after BD by myself was terrible. I hated it and was so sad. But I fought through it and kept on doing them. Now, I don't even think about her anymore when I am at them and I enjoy them just as much but in a slightly different way. Hang in there!
Kudos to you Pinn for continuing your interests after BD! It's tough to keep those things going that we've shared with our spouses.
Anyway, yesterday, I had a DB coach session and it just allowed my mind to fixate on my H and our situation yesterday. Not in a totally sad/negative way, but he just got into my brain and stayed there ALL DAY.. and he's still here!
With my SIL in town, it just brings up my relationship with my in-laws. I have no idea what H has told them or continues to tell them. It's just sad because I am a very family oriented person and for some reason I feel very strongly about wanting to let them know that this isn't my decision. I have no desire to actually reach out, but it's more of self-righteous feeling because I think they have a different perspective than what's actually going on. In the beginning, H wanted us to talk to my parents to tell them we have made the mutual decision to split. I, of course, did not go along with that because it wasn't accurate.
When it came to his family, when H told them his vresion of our separation, the first thing my FIL said was, are your finances protected? H had the nerve to tell me this... I get it, his F is trying to look out after his S, but he is selfish and greedy, manipulative, and he was an abusive alcoholic to my H when he was younger. (my H is dealing with childhood/ father issues right now as part of his current state). Anyway, it was just so insulting to me because it's like, Don't they even know me? Don't they know that I'm a good person who loves their son unconditionally and am doing everything possible to work on our M? I have been a lovely DIL and put up with their games with sheer grace... and this is what I get? I don't even know if they asked or cared-how's Feyth doing with all of this?
Then there's my SIL... I tried reaching out to her and she didn't think it was a good idea to speak with me. It's just sad to reach out and get rejected even though she was making it clear she didn't feel it was appropriate since my H is her brother.
I don't know what they know, but it just makes me feel not good about myself or any future with him/them. I've been pretty quiet about my sitch with my family as I would never bad mouth my H even in our worst of times. If he ever decides to reconcile, I don't want to be an issue ... and my family hasn't said a negative word about him either.
I dont know if anyone is telling him to move on, he's better for it Or stick it out. In the beginning, he had one friend who was encouraging him to work on it, and H replied, "i'm just not the type of person who should be married." Then his aunt (they've fallen in and out grace with eachother) told him to be careful because their family has a tendency to throw people away. H never shared his comments on what he said in reply to that.
Anyway, those thoughts had me up all night last night... just circling around the dynamic... feeling snubbed that I haven't had the opportunity to share "my side". I just want to say, I'm working on this people. I own my behaviors in the marriage and am actively working on improving them and haven't lost sight of wanting to be married to H but Im not the one who left... I'm not the one who's given up. Ack- just have to STFU... can't worry about them or their perception of me. I just have to keep being the best person I can be and not let outside influences affect me.
That's it for now. Wanted to get it out of my head so maybe I can focus on more productive things like laundry and vacuuming.
wow...feels weird to post negatively about my inlaws. I never ever speak poorly about people or behind their backs. Could this be a 180 in the wrong direction? Ha! Anyway, obviously those negative thoughts have been swirling in my brain... maybe its a good thing to let them out! Enjoy the rest of your Sunday, everyone!
Hello,
Just journaling- I have decided to reach out to a couple divorce attorneys for consultation. I have asked for references for kind and compassionate lawyers who won't pressure me! I just want to protect myself and know what my rights are in the long run. I have zero-zero-zero desire to file, but I also don't want to be in the dark. I mean... I know now I should have never left my house and I'm not sure what implications would come of that. At the time, I thought I was doing a noble and honorable thing by respecting my h's desire for space. Pfffffttt. I'm smarter and stronger now at least.
Anyway, we'll see what comes of that. Feels very surreal and a bit scary (even though i know I will be fine). Weird.
Hope you're having a good day!
^^^^and holy moly are lawyers expensive! Wow!!! I mean, I knew it, but wow! Um H -Can't we just get back together and buy a boat instead??!?!
Incredibly expensive. I feel like we have not even started to do some of the harder stuff and I am almost through my retainer. Ugh!! It is kind of disgusting.
Feeling a little out of sorts today-
I just started seeing a new IC after quitting my old IC- h had been seeing old IC before BD and started seeing her again recently.... And she kept slipping with some biases and sharing info that I did not share with her. I felt it best to move on because I didn't feel like I was getting genuine guidance.
This new IC wants to help me with whatever way I decide, especially when it comes to my relationships. If I want to hold out hope and work on the m, she'll help with that. If I want to move on completely, she'll help with that too. I shared with her about how I am following DB which shadows MWDs training with solutions focused brief therapy... The IC is familiar with sfbt, but she does not agree with my actions while following the LRT. She thinks I need to talk with h and really bring things to the surface, but I just don't know!!!! This could make things worse! As any well-meaning therapist would agree, it's important to talk about issues.... But I know H isn't ready or willing to go there at all.
Which brings me to my next issue- h and I are amicable and kind every time we see each other (about 1 minute each week for dog swap). I have been busting my booty galing and becoming a more compassionate and free spirited person and yet he consumes so much of me still. I'm still having a really hard time detaching. Like most people here I'm so afraid of his next actions and maybe it's because we are cordial to eachother that I feel like maybe something is still there? Or maybe nothing is there at all because there is no fiery passion which allows him to be pleasant towards me. I don't know, but I do know that I'm having a hard time of letting go out of fear. Fear that once I let go, it's gone for good.
Feyth,
I am so sorry for your struggles as I can totally relate to what you are going through. I am SO SCARED of making a mistake that will end my marriage that I just seem to be frozen. I don't make any moves at all! All I do is read self help books, read online information, talk to people, go to IC....but, when it comes right down to it, I'm so afraid that I just can't seem to make a decision on the right way to handle things. It has been over 2 weeks since I've seen or talked to him. I feel like I'm going crazy over here. I can't stop thinking about him and wondering if he's thinking about me. I wish I had some advice for you, but I can't even make a decision for myself so I would really hate to mess things up for you too! Good luck with everything, keep your head up and keep us posted.
Michaele
Hi Feyth, I recall reading somewhere in the MWD books - watch out for the therapist who wants you to open up with H and talk about everything - you may be able to do that at some point, but now's not the time. Maybe find that section, discuss it with your IC and seek her support for your DB efforts?
Take care xx
Fear that once I let go, it's gone for good.
I can so relate to this ....I am at the point where part of me wants to hang on still keep in the house separation going and a part that is getting closer to making the decision to try to move forwards
I am thinking of you
Ghost
Feyth,
Do that which works for you in your sitch.
Frankly I am definitely not keen on IC1, and I have doubts about IC2.
This is your sitch and no one can tell you what to do. No IC can put a strategy that you have to adopt, sounds like the right IC hasn't been interviewed yet. If your current strategy is working then why change it? why not develop it?
My main comment would be more detachment. You can read about detachment, but it isn't about being unattached. You can still stand.
It is about doing that which works for you, irrespective of any effects. It is letting go of any outcome with H and working for you. It isn't about moving on.
Another misnomer if I may. Letting go is stopping another's behaviour from driving your emotions. Imagine two people with a rope doing a tug of war over a deep well, if you let go neither will fall in. Another example is being dragged water skiing behind a speed boat driven by a madman. That is why the image of the lighthouse is so strong.
Letting go and detaching will put you more in control of you.
It takes back your power for you. It can release your fear.
This fear is absolutely OK by the way, it's your feeling, don't deny it to yourself. If you face the very worst that can happen, feel and walk to the pain, it can be very liberating and put the fear in perspective. The pain is the absolute worst, a good IC can help you with this.
100% where you need to be at this moment. Absolutely.
V
Thank you all for your insights and thoughts. I really appreciate it.
Vanilla, thank you for further flushing out detachment for me. This is literally the hardest concept I've ever had to experience working through. its so crazy how hard it is. I would hope that it gets easier as time goes on... But expanded time is what makes me want to hold tighter. such a vicious cycle and something I want to work on for myself.
I went to a great holiday party yesterday. It was hard to be there single (I wished I was there with h), but I made the most of it. Even got a hotel room so I wouldn't have to drive home. It was nice, I looked good, and the hotel placed a beatiful charcuterie board and bottle of wine in the room and it was waiting for me when I got back after the party. That was depressing and reminded me of how lonely I am right now... Even though I'm really not alone. Maybe this is why my patience is being tested too. I am feeling myself spinning a bit more as more time goes by.
I went on FB and saw that h was right down the street for a mutual friends bday party. More than anything I wanted to invite him over... But then was like, why?!?! He has no interest in me! None! I feel like I haven't peaked his interest at all since we've been separated. That's hard to write out here... Makes me feel a bit pathetic. Oh well... Thats why detachment is key. I need to stabilize myself and focus on creating a happy and healthy life for myself.
Thanks again for the comments and insights. We'll all push through.
Feyth, I am glad you had fun. I went to a holiday party last night too, with my H, but barely exchanged words with him. It sounds like you had more fun than I did.
I like Vanilla's description of detachment, it is helping me too. I don't have much to add, just want to empathize with you and offer my support. And, for what its worth, you didn't say anything bad about the IL's. No, it wasn't all rainbows and sunshine, but you sound honest and you sound like you care about them, I wouldn't think you were speaking unkindly of them.
The irony about detachment is the harder we work at it then the more elusive it gets!
Detachment happens if you relax into your sitch, do that which works for you and let go of the outcome that gives.
So in your sitch if you had decided idea I will invite WH for a drink, then it doesn't matter if the answer is yes or no, you will be ok either way.
Another, you go to the hotel, you know you will be alone and it's ok if you are. If you stay home that's ok, you may avoid the pain of being alone but you miss the party. You detached went to the party because it was the better choice for you irrespective of being alone.
The worst has already happened in your sitch, you are sacked as the wife, and you will be ok if DB works, you get a new M and also you will be ok if you move on too. That's detaching, hence working DB, Sandi guidelines is easier because you can more clearly evaluate that which works for you.
You may not want to move on but that is ok as a choice. Detaching is a no loose choice at this stage for you and the better option.
The reason detachment is so good is because you can adjust that which works for you more easily. You chose for you by letting go of your emotion of WH reaction and the outcome. If what you do is the best for Feyth then it must be the better option.
That is how I understand detaching and how I work it.
V
Apologies fat finger!
Rest of post
Sweetheart, you don't need to do anything at all, ever, you can choose to detach, you can choose to let go. Change the must and should to choose and you can feel much better. There will be less resistance. Ever noticed if someone tells you that you must then you may not want to and get petulant.
Instead make a choice, ok if you do and ok if you don't! It's a choice that you can say to yourself "I choose to detach and let go"
I think choosing makes detaching easier.
V
Thank you for the insights vanilla. You and I haven't connected directly much- as I'm more of a lurker here, but I know so many people truly value your opinion/experience/ words and I thank you for taking the time to post on my thread. I've read your statements many times through and am digesting them. thanks again.
Hello- just journaling-
I spent three days this week feeling nothing really for h. I had to question myself- do i just not care anymore, are my feelings gone, is this detachment??? For the first time today, I felt no trepidation about the dog swap.... That is until h texted me this am. 1) he said good morning (that's a first!) 2) he said I hope your back is feeling better (that's a first, too! I had tweaked it on Monday)... And I actually had a physiological reaction- my heart kind of fluttered a bit. Dang- guess that means I am 100% the opposite of detached. In time it is getting easier, but he certainly seems way more detached than I am these days. The purpose of the text was to tell me that he's researching new car insurance. I was surprised he didn't push for me to get off his plan- but no guessing or mind reading.
Limbo is hard, but I am truly grateful for this opportunity to develop myself and really figure out what I want for my life. The gift of time..I would be a fool to not take advantage of this period in my life.
Anyway, dog swap went well, we chatted for a bit. Pleasant- nothing earth shattering. He had a fire going in the fireplace- wish I still lived there to enjoy it. I had a party to go to tonight, but opted for some take out pf changs and dog snuggles instead. So I will be resting tonight and forcing my brain to think of other things other than h. Easier said than done.
There ya go Feyth!! We are at the same point but at least we have time to focus on ourselves! Keep up the good attitude... dog snuggles are always good right?!?
To health and happiness.
This evening I had a dinner program with a bunch of physicians whom I work with. I've been working with a physician consultant to work on some communication skills amongst physicians- deep/ heavy communication skills- not just the basics. This has been an ongoing effort and I have learned so much for myself just by being a part of the sponsorship of the program. Truly, it has helped me immensely over the last 6 months. Anyway, tonights program was about difficult conversations and many of the physicians had to share their recent experiences- all very serious patient experiences and I just found myself so overwhelmed with emotion. So many people are going through situations far worse than myself... Their loved ones are dying tragic deaths, or worse, slow painful deaths. I heard of one woman who was inconsolable after learning her husband just had days to live- her crying out, "we were supposed to be together forever." Ugh- so painful. It really puts things in perspective... I feel foolish for feeling mopey for my sitch. At the end of the day, I don't have it bad AT ALL. Not in the least- I even consider myself lucky. Geez, time to make new gratitude reflections, Feyth.
With that, the consultant I work with is a well known physician (been on tv, etc) and she's pretty inspiring- very much a female warrior! She asked me about my plans for the holidays and we got into my marital status. She knew I was married, but stopped wearing my rings recently. She gave me a stern talking to about "waiting around for h". Imploring me to move on.... "And if h comes around and realizes what he is missing, then I can worry about it then." Until then, there is no use wasting my time worrying about someone who doesn't want to be with me. Yep, I totally get it... And isn't this was DBing is all about? This is why gal is so important and refocusing my energies on myself. Ahhhh- got to get through this. I will be ok- I am ok.
Ok- enough jabbering. Have a good one!
Good for you, Feyth! We both know some things are easier said than done, but it sounds like you're at a great point of awareness. I am so happy for you.
Thank you Ancaire! I hope you are doing well.
Over the last few weeks, the emotional tides have been shifting. I still miss my h and our m, but I definitely feel like I have gotten stronger. It's weird to know that something has truly shifted in me. So weird actually. I feel different and even look different to me- I am a totally different person than I was 6-7-8 months ago... And I know more is to come. (I also know emotions ebb and flow... So I'm not out of the woods at all in terms of heartache), but I'm certainly not feeling stagnant.
Take care- be well!
The beauty of the shifts that you've written about Feyth are that when the emotions come (and they will) you will be different in your experience of them. You have become a different person, something that is extraordinarily hard to do.
When people say "change is hard" I have to laugh. For most of us on this board it took losing that which we hold most dear in the world - our families - to elicit that change.
But when it does happen as evidence by the shifts you describe (and I believe you that they are very real), it's magical and will stay forever. That's the other excellent part of shifts born out of extreme trauma, there's no going back from them.
Congratulations on your growth, I know you've still got some pain to walk through and my heart is with you.
PP
Feyth, just wanted to stop by and say hello. Seems like you have come a long way in a short time.
Detaching is the hardest part of DB and I could not get there until I kicked H out of the house. It is definitely a process that still ebbs and flows. I am finally pretty detache day nine months in.
Hi there,
Yeah- this certainly didn't happen on accident and I'm nowhere near where I need/want to be... But it feels good to make progress (mind you this is after close to 6 m separated and after reading 40+self help books multiple times). Oy- I deserve some progress! One thing I know is that knowledge doesn't lead to change.... Only action does...and that's what I'm doing.
Today I was able to keep my pma going. Participated in a Shawn Achor happiness advantage workshop- it was super helpful and I'm making the commitment to myself to choose to be happy.
After the workshop, a couple of the participants and I went out for some wine... All in all a great day!
Staying mindful and practicing gratitude.
Tonight I went to IC- it's helping me to continue to move forward and slowly accept that this is not all my fault. Upon bd, I took this all on myself as if it was 100% my doing. It so is not all my fault and I need that reminder every now and again. Then, I spent the evening buying and wrapping gifts for a family that me and my colleagues adopted for Christmas. It feels great being able to help someone and their family have the best Christmas ever! I went overboard on Star Wars stuff for the young boys
. I wish I could be there when they open all their gifts!
Lastly, I was feeling sassy so I bought a box of hair dye and switched up my look a bit.... I needed a little oomph! Feyth is a-changin!
Feyth your attitude is inspiring... You seem like a very happy go lucky gal. Your H is going to be sorry one day.
I had meant to adopt a family this year, I knew it would make me feel good. But I ran out of time.... Next year for sure!!
Sometimes it is hard to figure out that our situations are not all our fault. I think it is important to realize this. It took me a long time. I can now see pretty clearly both of our roles in ending up here. Hoping that helps me in the future at least.
I bet the new hair color looks great! Time for the weekend!
As always Pinn- thanks for the support!
I can not believe it, it's officially been 6 months since I moved out... And 6 months and 1 day that I've been DBing. I never, in a million years thought h and I would be "here," furthermore I can't believe its been half a year since we've had any meaningful interactions. It's just crazy! Ha ha- I remember my first set of DB goals included h and I going out again w/in three weeks and me moving back by August. Ha ha ha ha! I had even thought about how much it would cost me to break my 4 m lease. I'm actually smiling as I type this because it's just hilarious! I had no idea the road ahead of me at that time.
The good news is I can honestly say that I haven't wasted one single day during this entire separation. Yes, there were days where I didn't even get out of my pjs, but it was because I was reading and learning about myself, relationships, communication etc. I am proud of myself for taking the opportunity to really look inwards and make necessary changes. I met a young woman earlier this week who told me she was getting divorced because he husband cheated on her... She was angry and bitter and badmouthing him... I wanted to tell her about DB and this site, but hesitated because we literally just met and did not seem keen on any feedback/advise. I felt sad for her because she did what feels natural and that is to shout her anger from the rooftops and prove that she's the better person for not cheating. I don't know that she'll look inwards and see what a "gift" something like DBing truly is. She could come out of a heartbreaking experience a much better person.
I've been doing well. Early on I was going crazy to improve myself with the end goal of getting h back. It wasn't until a few weeks ago that I was finally able to take the attention off him and onto myself and that has made a world of difference. I am so thankful that 40 lb brick on my chest has dissipated. It feels good to breathe again without that unending anxiety about my sitch. I feel much lighter!
I made it to a point that I am not so sure I would take h back. Not that it's an option, but really I feel like I am like 60/40. That's crazy for me to feel because I told myself every single day "never give up". " never give up on the people you love" "be still be patient"... Yada yada yada.
Anyway, just wanted to journal a bit... This forum has been a true blessing. I'm an introvert by nature so coming to a forum like this has been a 180 and even posting on other threads (as minimally as I do- something I want to improve on) is also a huge 180 for me. The people here are really special and I hope the best for everyone this holiday season and I think we're all going to have a rocking 2016!
Three gratitudes for today
1) auto coffee makers!
2) dog snuggles
3) online church- so I can sip coffee, while snuggling with dog, and get in touch with my spiritual side. ( oh yeah and never having to leave this warm comfy bed to enjoy all those things)
Feyth, I guess you can change the name of your next thread from "zero steps forward" to "A giant leap forward." You are doing awesome. I would love to see you post more! I love how you wrote that not one day was wasted. I had a big "slump" in November, for almost 3 weeks, and although I was depressed and crying and not getting out much, I felt that it was a necessary break and time for introspection. I honestly think we can use our down days for good, and as we all know the longer we DB there are less of those.
Thank you for your posts, thank you for sharing your story, this is a safe place especially for introverts!
Great attitude Feyth.... unbelievable how well you are doing. I love your thread because I feel like our situations are so similar, though you are doing a bit better than me. But it gives me a goal to catch up!! I need to get that 60/40 mark... I am probably 51/49 :-).
Isn't it crazy how fast the time goes? When this first happened, I thought time was going to stop and drag along. Just the opposite. This has been the fastest moving 6 months of my life! Those first three months were an absolute blur.
Keep up the good work... we can do this!
Feyth
Great changes on the detachment
Excellent
V
Wow, thank you guys and gals.
I'm in no way done doing what I'm doing... Just thinking about the situation differently. I still love h, but i have to learn to love me more! Ha! I am proud of this new direction and am working consciously to keep my momentum going. Even caught myself singing Christmas carols last night! What what???!!! Also, my CEO called me into his office this morning to check on me and told me that the twinkle has come back in my eyes. (How special do i feel that I am one person in a 10,000 person company and my CEO recognizes me and cares about my well being?!?!) Makes me tear up just thinking about it because I was sooooooo sad for soooo long. I truly feel like I died back at bd. I remember a person stopping me at the grocery store a few months back- a stranger came up to me and asked, "what's wrong? It can't be that bad? How about a smile?" I remember being shocked and I just planted on the best fake smile I could muster. I was radiating pure sadness.
It's hard for me to post here. Mostly because I feel selfish sharing my thoughts (and trying to focus on daily wins to keep the positivity going- feels braggy and unlike me) but I think the hardest part is the fact that I literally have mere seconds of interaction with h each week and I truly don't know what does and what doesn't work in terms of the DB interactions... Makes it really challenging to pay it forward because all I am doing is working on me, my issues, and what I contributed to the m. I truly have a hard time sharing pearls or experiences with others, but at the same time I continue to be thankful for being able to read the personal details of everyone's experiences because it does help me and my perspective. I've learned a ton! Thank you.
With that said, I hope everyone has a great Christmas week! I decided no presents and decorations this year. Instead, I am going to cook a wonderful Xmas eve dinner for the fam at my parents place. And the following week I'm off to Seattle to visit with my best friend. Looking forward to vacation!
Today I'm grateful for:
My work colleagues
Heat!
High speed internet
Merry Christmas! I hope everyone had a wonderful day!
Well, today went well. I didn't shed a tear! I, fortunately, had the dog- he's the best sidekick! I was a little apprehensive about the holidays so I didn't put out decorations, etc. however, I also didn't want to punish myself and suffer given my current r status. In lieu of presents for the family, I decided to make a huge feast for my family for Christmas eve... They really appreciated it!
Today, I had a lovely morning with the dog (of course I bought him presents!) then I went to my parents, and finished off the day with a prime rib dinner at my grandfathers house.
I will admit that h was on my mind a lot today. I always made sure we had a nice Christmas with lots of traditions. My h openly admits he's not sentimental because he's been let down so much in life, he doesn't place a lot of emotional value on people, places, and things (go figure!). Anyway, I KNOW he valued our Christmas traditions and always looked forward to them every year. Everything from me baking cookies just for him, to special stocking stuffers, to breakfast burritos Xmas morning at my parents. There's a part of me that has to believe he would be feeling lonely today and missing some of our traditions. I could be wrong..... And it does me no good to guess or assume.... But it seems logical. Ha!
I mean do we really think any of our was' wake up Christmas morning and say, "hallelujah- I am so happy I don't have to share the day with people who have loved me unconditionally! No incessant giving and gifting! I'm so happy!"
Anyway, I was feeling bad so I sent him a merry Christmas text with a pic of the dog and his new toys... He replied back with a Merry Christmas. First text I've sent him without discussing dog logistics in months and months. Don't know if it was worth it, but i wanted to reach out regardless.
Alright, one more major holiday left to get through- we can do this!
Today, I'm grateful for my entire family who continue to support me, I'm grateful that we all live close enough that we see each other often... And I'm grateful we all get along (for the most part!)
At the airport on my way to the great Pacific Northwest to visit my best friend and ring in the new year with her! i never realized how depressing the airport was! As I pulled up alone with my cab driver we passed couple after couple hugging and kissing good bye. While in line to check my luggage, I saw lots of couples holding hands, and here at the gate, just watching all familes hanging out together is a reminder that I am feeling a little depressed and lonely right now.
Arg- I will shake it off. Just having a low moment and missing my h immensely. We were good travel partners.
3 gratitudes for today:
1) I have a week of fun ahead of me which brings a smile to my face
2) I have great friends to ring in the new year with.
3) I get to see snow today! Something I haven't seen in several years!
Feyth,
Hope you enjoy your time with your friend and that you create great memories. You're in my neck of the woods! Have some fun in the snow and bundle up tight!
Hey Feyth... how was that trip??
Hi! Happy new year!
I had an awesome trip- thanks for asking pinn! Went to the Pacific Northwest and had perfect weather! Got to go sledding and snowboarding. Ahhhh- it was so nice! First time my body has ever felt 5 degree weather, too! I love boarding, but I live by the coast and the closest mtns to me are 3 hours away.... Always man made snow and always packed with people. Not even worth the hassle. In addition to my outdoor adventuresI did a lot of wine tasting and even some vodka tasting. Had a great new years eve- cried when midnight struck... But I think that was to be expected!
I've been feeling good. The getaway definitely helped with detachment. I was feeling ballsy tonight so I hid my marital status on facebook. I know, I know... That's so stupid.... But I didn't want to update it or change it.... Just hide it. In the event that anyone looks at my info, it won't say anything. From H's FB it shows we're still married. I finally got to the point where I was feeling like "ahh he11 no!!! I'm not going to be "married" to someone who wants nothing to do with me and is openly dating. I am just now learning my worth and don't deserve that. Ok, it was just a micro baby step and on FB of all things... But I haven't made a single move to let go of this relationship.... And this was important to me. We'll see how I feel about it tomorrow
Hope 2016 is starting off well for everyone.
I read it here all the time.... Nothing good ever comes from snooping! H and I couldn't meet for dog swap today so I had to go to the house and get him. I was actually relieved to not have to see h--- bleh- I just don't want to see him!
Anyway, I read all of his Christmas cards that he had out- all from people I've never even heard of. One from a chick who thanked him for sharing all his dating stories with her. Really?!?! Wtf? Stupid broad! Then she finished- if you want to hang out more... I'd love to get to know you better.
I'm not spiteful, but part of me wants to go start an online dating profile just to get some interest/ flirtation going. I've never done online dating, but I'm not sure how else to meet people given the fact that I'm always working and not 25 hangin in da club.
Time to buck up. Still working on myself, but feeling lonely and my snooping didn't help. I know it's not a competition between me and h but I sure am feeling like the loser right now.
Buck up Feyth!! I end up with those same feelings and have thought about joining a site just to see what it is like. I am sure when the time is right, you will meet new guys fast! You will know when the time is right. Do you happen to belong to a gym? I only ask because I am sure you would catch some eyes there. You are not a loser... you are doing great! No more snooping
Hi pinn! As always, I appreciate you reaching out. I do have a gym membership, but I never go.... I have gymtimidation!! Ha! I should definitely get back into it because I'm literally flushing the monthly fee down the toilet.
I had to laugh for a second, because as part of my gal activities I started taking Kung fu... But the martial arts studio has a lot of kids classes! don't think I'll meet anyone there! It was kind of funny because my trainer was out during my last lesson so they had this young girl train me privately and she kept telling me I was a nice lady! Lady??!!?! It was funny! Have a good one Pinn!
Hi Feyth, I also did the snooping at Xmas cards thing last year - didn't help me! I have to say that I think he looks like the loser just now. Jumped out of one R straight into dating - no time to process or reflect, or heal. I think in the much longer term the person who 'wins' is the one who tried to save the M, didn't date for a while, focused on learning, reflecting and healing before moving healthily into a new R after a period of time.
I've just joined the gym - could you maybe get them to work with you on a programme you would enjoy? I've told my trainer I just want half an hour of moderate exercise to also help me wind down at the end of the working day...
Take care - and it is much too soon to think about dating IMHO. It would be done purely in reaction to what you have seen, and so that you don't want to feel like a loser in comparison to him. Google entanglements and relationships if you want to read further about this.
Take care xx
Agree with Sotto. Trust me I have struggled with the same thoughts. I was like I am ready to date, ready to see what is out there. But I am not... it is too soon. I had a bit of a panic attack a few months ago because I felt like I was getting old and really want a family. In the end though, everything will be OK... I know it! It'll come.
The gym helps me tremendously. Both confidence wise and socially. There is an interesting social dynamic that develops there between the regulars. Don't be scared of it! Hang in there
Thanks Sotto and Pinn. I guess I'm feeling restless and a bit lonely. Part of me does truly feel ready to start meeting men, but I'm in no way ready for anything more serious than just getting to know someone over coffee or wine. A semi- romantic man friend- does that exist?!?! I would love to have a decent conversation with a man....one that smells good and treats me well.... And maybe I'm just getting ahead of myself!
Hope everyone has a great weekend.
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