H and I have been married for 2 years. We've been trying to get pregnant for a couple of years and found out this summer that we are expecting our first child. Shortly after, I discovered at least an EA with a coworker. We agreed to try to work things out. Had a very difficult summer. Late summer, he told me he doesn't know if he's in love with me or not. Refused MC and said he doesn't want to work on R. Said he would not make the decision to leave until after the baby is born early next year. He is cold, distant, and just plain mean.
Last week, we had a few great days with a lot of positive interactions. Then a few days later, things went sour. A couple of days ago, he told me he is 100% sure he wants a divorce. Says he will wait for separation until after baby is born. Has no connection to baby. Never asks about baby and is not involved in planning or preparing. Says it's because the baby is part of me and that he'll be more attached once baby is actually here. Continues to deny he is involved with anyone else. We can have decent weekends, but then he returns to work on Monday and things turn for the worse. My assumption is beause he's seing OW.
His behavior is toxic and I am having a very hard time. I hate that it is affecting our unborn child. I go back and forth about wanting to make things work or just giving up. In the end, I know that I want this to work. His behavior is completely out of character and I feel he is going through a MLC. I've tried to do 180s, but have not been successful. He feels I'm negative so I've tried to be more positive, more helpful, more upbeat. I've tried including him in planning for baby and I've tried not including him. I admit that at first I tried begging, persuading, guilt etc. And I've fallen back into those a few times since. I've tried talking more/talking less. I've tried giving a little space because I know he hates being around me. I feel my only chance now is to implement LRT but I'm not even sure where to start. I've stopped saying ILY, stopped hugging, kissing, etc.
I know this sounds hopeless, but I know this is not the person he really is. At least I hope not anyway. And I want to be able to say to my child that I tried everything to keep our family together. Any ideas of where to go from here or how to use LRT?
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Wow, I'm so sorry you're here deepblu. Especially as a pregnant woman. That is more than anyone should have to deal with. So sorry.
You're going to get a lot of great support here on these forums, we all have. Take as many deep breaths as you can, no matter what, you're going to get through this.
I have a good friend who's husband left when their child turned 1 month old. The husband suddenly became enlightened and had to leave to spread the word of meditation and spirituality throughout the world. She said she punched him when he told her. Three years later, she's thriving. She's got an amazing little girl, and is doing quite well. She's been to hell and back, but is now on the other side.
You will get to that other side too.
Sending you a lot of strength and a careful hug.
PP
Thanks for the encouragement. I hope to get to that other side but the path before me is quite foggy right now. What a nightmare! I'm still trying but don't see much hope of this working out in my favor.
Nobody should have to go through this during a pregnancy! Not good for you or the baby. I am so upset for you.
Honestly, if he's being mean and you are unhappy, I would consider asking him to leave now. You need calm and soothing surroundings and to focus on yourself and the baby. It's not healthy that you are going through a rollercoaster of emotions and that you're made unhappy on a regular basis. This doesn't have to mean that you give up on the relationship or that it's final!
Waiting until after your baby is born seems pointless, if he has made the decision? It's after the birth you need him to be there to help, not now. I think I would feel that the adjustment would be harder afterwards than now.
I went through a pregnancy from start to finish by myself, and was a single mother for 14 years, so I feel that if you are otherwise healthy, there is no reason why you can't do it.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Thanks so much for your concern. I have thought about asking him to leave or just leaving myself. I guess I'm holding on to hope that something will change or that I'll be able to DB my way out of this. I'm afraid that separating now will hasten the divorce. I guess I'm just not ready to let go quite yet. I feel waiting a few months will give me a little more time to pull off a miracle.
I have started to address the emotional abuse he is inflicting and I'm trying to set boundaries regarding this. I'm also in therapy to deal with some of these issues.
I'm so confused because this pregnancy was very carefully planned.
Would love some advice or success stories on LRT. I've read DR but am so overwhelmed and lost.
First of all - don't move out of the house or the MBR.
Let your spouse do that if they choose.
Success stories - read the resources in my first post.
Mozza's thread has links to some of the current ones.
No, don't move out or accommodate!
It was very useful for me to consult with a lawyer, even though I was not moving out or giving up on the marriage. It can give you great peace of mind to know what the future will look like worst case scenario. And that confidence shows, and changes the power balance because you feel more empowered. Seeing a L doesn't mean you're filing or moving ahead with a D, you're just educating yourself about your rights and obligations and options. Keep it to yourself until the right time.
Okay, thank you for making me feel it's okay to stay and work on my marriage. I've had several people give me the advice to just go ahead and leave and give up. None of these people are going through this of course.
I have been planning to consult with a lawyer, especially now that there is a sweet baby involved. Hopefully I will feel more empowered and there will be a shift!
It is absolutely OK to stand for yourself and your M.
If you need permission then you have it, freely and generously given by a higher spirit, this is given to you by your higher power. That is how you have been guided to this board.
You and your child are very precious in this world. I know this very well and your health and wellbeing are the most vital thing for almost any interaction. I believe in extreme self care in all circumstances. In every way you take enormous care of both of you.
Absolutely an L is important, and an L you can relate to. Keep your cards on this close to your chest.
Tenderness and rainbows
V
Like the others, I'm sorry you are here, especially with the extra challenge and anxiety of facing a pregnancy in this sitch.
I'm not going to diagnose your H, but it is not all that abnormal for some men to really struggle when the reality of fatherhood bites them. You are right to see MLC as a possibility, as impending fatherhood can set off a whole host of issues for a man. Am I living up to expectations my father and society have set for me? Am I able to live up to the responsibility of having to give of myself to someone so dependent on me? Am I capable of providing everything that I feel that I should (again, see expectations father & society have laid on)? Maybe unaware of being dissatisfied w/ career, and at least unconsciously recognizing that he now has obligations that might make changing that path difficult.
He may not be open to IC, but it is something to consider asking him to try. I know he has rejected MC, but if you put it as "I understand you are wrestling with a lot of questions and choices, and I get that you are unsure and unhappy. Maybe having someone trained to help sort through these things would be worth a try?"
Besides helping him work through his doubts and choices, that he is having these right after learning that you're pregnant might mean he is also wrestling with the reality of being a dad. Having someone help him untangle the M from becoming a father might help.
Then give him some space. Ask very clearly for what you need to support the pregnancy, but otherwise give him as much space as you can.
It won't be easy (on top of the usual BD, M crisis), as your body and hormones may be doing all sorts of not-so-fun things to you. The anxiety produced by M crisis is bad enough, but to add the anxiety about facing motherhood w/ a question mark of a H has got to be really, really difficult. Time to reach out for support from the women (and the occasional man - although my experience is this is the exception) to form that support network you are going to need through this very difficult time.
Good luck & keep posting.
How refreshing to get another man's perspective! I started IC when I learned of the EA. My therapist also says it is not uncommon for men to go through this during a wife's pregnancy. She says that a lot of times it improves, especially when they are able to bond with the baby. It seems that all of the events are aligned with this pregnancy, although it was carefully planned. A family member told him a couple of months ago that he would make the perfect father. He responded with a very nervous expression. 2 days after was when he told me ILYBNILWY. His father also left when he was just a baby and they never had much of a relationship. I wonder how that is affecting his behavior now.
We had a brief period of reconnection a couple of weeks ago. There was no intimacy or R talk, but for a few days, I could tell he was genuinely happy. Not necessarily happy with me, just not depressed. He was smiling a lot. We were spending time together, actually enjoying each other's company. Lots of positive interactions within a few days. Then, it's like it freaked him out and he pulled farther away than ever. That is when he told me is 100% sure he wants a divorce and laid out the plan of how we would separate after the baby is born. I read that H who are pulling away become scared when they experience some reconnection with their W. Not sure if that's what this was, but it sure seems like it. I can say that during those few days, I became more nurturing toward him and I believe that was my mistake. I should have continued to give him space.
I know he needs to experience how life would be without me, but that is extremely hard with me being pregnant. I have started interacting more with friends. But I don't have a lot of energy to GAL. I will keep trying though, because I feel that this could definitely affect our outcome.
He is currently searching for an individual therapist. He says he wants to work through all the anger and resentment he has toward me. Not in an effort to save our marriage, but to better himself. My only fear is that he will begin working with a therapist who will reinforce his decision to leave our M. I know that he will present one sided information and paint me as the reason for all of our issues. While I know without a doubt that I've played a major role, I also hope he will learn to accept that he has made a lot of choices that have put us in this predicament.
If he is unsure of himself as a father, should I be doing anything to tell him otherwise? Should I be boosting his ego in some way? Would this be counterproductive? I feel that the OW boosted his ego in a lot of ways and that is why he turned to her. Not sure if he still has contact with her. He denies. But they work together, so he at least sees her on a daily basis. He initially told me she was in a R, but not sure if that was true and what that status is now.
In my view, it is a risk worth taking. He has some unfinished business to take care of and some growth to undertake. He will resist suggestions to do something for the M. He is uncomfortable with the M and w/ being an H and a father. He's not going to make an effort for those, at least right now. So, helping himself is enough.
Of course, an IC may not help your M, but hopefully will help the man you love become happy. Hopefully it will allow him to grow and be capable of a better R as co-parent. Don't worry about his IC. It is just something you can't control. Worry instead about looking at yourself, getting a little distance from him, and getting a life that help help support you and make you happy as a mother of a young child whether or not he he joins you. If he does, it will be a richer life for you and your child and your H. If he does not it will be richer for you and your child than it would without these.
Also, the GAL activities and reaching outside your M for support helps to make you happy and fulfilled as a person. Your M won't do that for you, and attempting to put that on an M is a lot of pressure. However, becoming happy and fulfilled on your own and then being willing to share that with those willing to meet you there makes you the attractive woman that might just draw you back in.
Appealing to his duty and responsibility and promises and obligations is going to send him running to the hills if he is having doubts about the M and being a father. So, stay as far away from those as you can. Sure, you should insist on certain support, but don't try to guilt him into coming back to you. Instead focus on you and how you are going to become the person he falls back in love with. Give him a good reason to consider coming back. Let him work through his resistance to the obligation side of things on his own as free from guilt from you as he can, and he may just deal w/ his sh*t and recognize the life he is giving up and embrace trying to repair it.
I have started interacting more with friends. But I don't have a lot of energy to GAL. I will keep trying though, because I feel that this could definitely affect our outcome.
While I know without a doubt that I've played a major role,
Out of everything in your post, this is what you should focus on.
Work on your own issues for yourself, and GAL.
It is great that he is seeing a IC. Hopefully, not even a personal happiness-focused counselor will think it's a good solution to leave a pregnant wife and an unborn child. I'm sure the fact that his father left him as a baby is going to come up, this all sounds like family of origin-stuff that he needs to work through.
Believe none of what he says and half of what he does, is the saying around here (especially about the OW).
I think you should set some boundaries of your own and not leave all the decisions up to him. He needs to see you as your own person.
Treat him nicely, but like a neighbor. He has fired you as his partner and wife, so don't volunteer to do the job.
I will pray for you and your baby, for your situation to get better! Everything will be okay, leave it in GODs hands.
Don't stress over him.
Thank you for the prayers! I need as many as I can get. I keep telling myself that God is in control of this situation, not my husband!
I think you guys are right, he has a lot of issues surrounding his childhood that he needs to process. I'm sure that becoming a father is bringing these issues to the surface. He knows what it's like having a father walk out and I wonder why he wants the same for his child?
I do need to stop making him feel guilty because it doesn't work. He just says I make him feel like a bad person. And it typically leads to one of us being hurt and angry.
You all are giving me hope that I can become the person he falls back in love with and that makes me feel so much better. It is hard as I feel so unattractive right now. And it is a challenge to appear upbeat when I feel so so sad. But if that's what it takes, I can do it. And it will make me better in the end, no matter what. I can definitely expand my social circle and take up new hobbies. I know that I need to give him space and time. And I need to stop all efforts to pursue. Not sure why all of these things are such a challenge.
Okay, thank you for making me feel it's okay to stay and work on my marriage.
Deepblu -
Welcome to this place. I am so sorry that you are here, but I hope you will take Cadet's advice and keep posting.
I saw this line you posted, and I want to make sure that you dont see this time as time to "work on your marriage". You can be standing for your marriage, but I dont want you to judge your own success by the success OF your marriage.
Now is the time to work on you. To prepare yourself for motherhood. Learn to be the best deepblu that you can be so that when your child does come, you will be the mother that it (sorry, that sounds insensitive, but I didnt catch the gender...) deserves.
To be in a happy relationship, you need to first be happy with yourself. By the tone of your introduction post, I dont believe that you are....yet.
I will in no way apologize for using the next few months as time to work on my marriage. Along the way, I will do things to improve myself and hopefully my H will do the same. That is important in maintaining a healthy relationship. I will find ways to learn and grow to become a better person no matter what. I joined a Divorce Busting forum, not a Give Up and Accept Your Divorce forum. My purpose in joining was to acquire tools that will help me save my marriage. My H is going through something I cannot explain and do not fully understand, but I love him dearly. I still believe in our marriage.
I don't judge my success by the success of my marriage. I have a great career and I have achieved many things. I have a wonderful family and some great friends. But my marriage is part of my happiness. When I married, I intended to share a lifetime, not a few years. And I vowed for better or worse. Not until we hit a rough patch. Not until he stopped loving me.
I am preparing for motherhood in the best way that I can right now. My child will have nothing less than the best of me.
I am allowed to be unhappy about my current situation, as are others on this forum. We are all in difficult situations. MWD wrote DB and DR to help people save their marriages. Some marriages can be saved and some cannot. But if this was all about personal fulfillment, the "Success Stories" on this site would be much different.
I hope others on this site are receiving great support and I hope they are encouraged to fight for what they believe in.
Deep blu, I think you may have miss understood Azzork? What I think he was trying to say there is, take this time to work on yourself. As in, "become a person only a fool would leave". That is a big thing in our situations here. If we focus all attention on the problem at hand, it complicates things, we over analyze every move, become obsessed with everything going on. By working on you, it distracts you enough to give the spouse a bit of space to figure some of their own stuff out while becoming a better person. Then when things settle down, there stands a shiny, freshly waxed, showroom condition deebblu 2.0 that only a fool would walk away from.
That in the long run is working on your marriage. It's also working on you. Win-win!
I will in no way apologize for using the next few months as time to work on my marriage. Along the way, I will do things to improve myself and hopefully my H will do the same. That is important in maintaining a healthy relationship. I will find ways to learn and grow to become a better person no matter what. I joined a Divorce Busting forum, not a Give Up and Accept Your Divorce forum. My purpose in joining was to acquire tools that will help me save my marriage. My H is going through something I cannot explain and do not fully understand, but I love him dearly. I still believe in our marriage.
I don't judge my success by the success of my marriage. I have a great career and I have achieved many things. I have a wonderful family and some great friends. But my marriage is part of my happiness. When I married, I intended to share a lifetime, not a few years. And I vowed for better or worse. Not until we hit a rough patch. Not until he stopped loving me.
I am preparing for motherhood in the best way that I can right now. My child will have nothing less than the best of me.
I am allowed to be unhappy about my current situation, as are others on this forum. We are all in difficult situations. MWD wrote DB and DR to help people save their marriages. Some marriages can be saved and some cannot. But if this was all about personal fulfillment, the "Success Stories" on this site would be much different.
I hope others on this site are receiving great support and I hope they are encouraged to fight for what they believe in.
Ok, I think you may have misunderstood me. I am not saying to "Give up and accept your divorce". If that was how you understood what I am saying, I will try to be more clear.
You dont have any control over what your husband decides that he is going to do. The lessons in DR teach us how to change ourselves to become the best version of ourselves possible. It gives us the tools we need in order to try to save our marriage. If that is your definition of "working on your marriage" then, I can understand your comments above.
In my estimation, "working on your marriage" is something that BOTH people in the marriage have to do, and right now, whether you like it or not, your H is not interested in doing that work. The work that you put in on yourself can be in the vein of saving your marriage, but in the end, you cannot control whether or not your H will turn around.
I really did not intend to discourage you or belittle your efforts, and I apologize for the misunderstanding. I agree that marriage is a sacred establishment, ESPECIALLY when children are involved. I am rooting for you, and I hope that this works for you!
I will in no way apologize for using the next few months as time to work on my marriage.
Along the way, I will do things to improve myself and hopefully my H will do the same.
So what do you have in mind?
Sounds like your baby is going to have an amazing mom! I will be praying also. *hugs*