I want to start with a big thank you to all of you who keep encouraging me, advising me, educating me. I could NOT do this without you. This forum has been a life line for me. Thank you. I am sorry we are all here, but at least we are together.
A busy day for me. My H is going to put in for the "away" job.
I am in talks with someone about a job.
I have decided to act in a warmer and more approachable way. I am wondering if in my attempts to not pursue and to give him space, he is unsure how to react and scared of the dynamic, and maybe by me withholding I am unintentionally contributing to the wall of ice between us. Yes, he put it there. Yes, he hides behind it. But I am going to pretend it isn't there, because we are still living together, have a family, and its not healthy to live like this. Practicing a friendly smile and greeting for when he comes home. I will initiate some friendly small talk instead of waiting on him to initiate, because he doesn't . Not R talk, just casual stuff, and not a lot of it, just enough to break this awful silence. If it doesn't work, I haven't lost anything.
Last thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2611472#Post2611472
It's not you. It's all about him. I wouldn't be all that available to him. That is the reality he is choosing, and you need to protect yourself emotionally. Let him be icy. It doesn't matter to you. You get that he is angry. Not that you agree with it, but he wants a D, so it is understandable that he is angry. His issue, not you and yours.
When we start acting attractive and stop pursuing, we often get a reaction we don't like. It is one of fear, which manifests as anger and coldness. They are scared about having any positive feelings towards you. They are scared that it is temporary and if they risk and make themselves vulnerable you will revert to "normal." They are scared that they aren't loveable and that you moving forward means that you may leave them. This can lead to a childish, you can't leave me if I leave you first reaction. It takes time and a steady hand to let them settle down after you clearly change course.
They have to recognize it, accept that it really is the new you, and then adjust to the feelings all that triggers in them. Just be patient, and stay the course. The less you focus on how to make it easier for him to be around you and connect, the less likely that he will change his tune.
OK As. I am not sure, but I will trust you on this one.
I just want to make sure I am not acting icy- I think I might be in reaction to him. I think I might be withdrawing instead of detaching and I want to make sure that I am not participating in that game. I will be careful not to pursue.
Warm neighbour, validate, validate.
V
Interesting. He came in tonight, I was standing at the stove cooking. He did not approach me, I looked at him and said hi, commented on "Oh, you got a hair cut, looks good." And went back to cooking. About 3 or 4 minutes later he came up behind me and gave me a big hug. If I had approached him and hugged him, he wouldn't have had that chance to initiate. I am glad I kept it friendly but neutral. Really glad.
Also interesting to note, he has a different look about him tonight. And I don't mean the hair cut. He just has a relaxed look, actually looks younger and this is the first time I haven't seen that "depressed checked out" look on him in months. He looks like himself. Maybe the weight is off his shoulders because he is taking the travel job? Idk, but he just had a pleasant interaction with D, which NEVER happens .
Hi Photoka , sounds overall like not a bad day.
The post by Asitis really helped me. This is where I am with this cursed silence. Vanilla's thought helped too. Thank you both.
Photoka, thank you for sharing your story with us. Knowing I am not alone with the silent treatment brings me great solace.
Enjoy your evening.
Mutatio, as you know, this silent treatment is killing me. He is also back to sleeping on the sofa with his phone. And I had a dream last night that he was with OW again. I would say a dream is just anxiety, but a week before BD before I had any idea that OW even existed, I had a dream that he was in a restaurant with a woman. I think my intuition is telling me something. But since I can't talk to him, I have no idea. And he is leaving tomorrow for a 10 day trip. Trying to put it out of my head. I have friends to talk to, but I am just so lonely for him.
I am so sorry you are experiencing this. To the depths of my soul I understand exactly how you feel.
The outcome of this silence is insidious. Hugs for you sister. Be well, Be strong
The advice from Avanti really struck a nerve! Wow. I needed that, too.
Photo, I'm really proud of you. You are doing so well in some really tough circumstances. You are inspiring me!
I'm glad you are back Ancaire!
I was just cleaning out the closet and I found some very old (15 years? maybe older) "love" coupons that H had given me for a birthday. There is no expiration date. Think I should cash one in? LOL. The full body massage with extras sounds pretty good......
There is one for a whole day of staying in bed and cuddling, LOL. That was definitely pre-kids. Another for a dinner out to a restaurant I am pretty sure is no longer in business. Why didn't I cash these in? I guess back then I didn't need coupons, I was getting these things regularly. I also found a list of "what I won't do with you in bed" it was blank. The good old days.
H is leaving tonight for a 10 day trip. Last night we watched tv and drank wine. It was pleasant. After that I brought the bottle upstairs and encouraged H to talk. I asked him to tell me all about his upcoming trip. Every detail, what is he planning to accomplish, what is the content of the upcoming meetings, who will be there, etc etc. He really seemed to relax and enjoy the attention. Then my D came in for a hug from me, wouldn't give H one, but was being kind of funny about it, (as opposed to obnoxious which she can be.). I could tell it hurt him, but I can't force a 14 yr old to hug her father. I listened to him and encouraged him to talk about his pain about being rejected by her.
I listened, I didn't interrupt, or judge. I did just have to throw in that I don't believe the situation is hopeless, I am sorry but I just always have to throw that in, because it is the truth. But I said that after he talked and I validated, and I said it more as an after thought, not part of the conversation. We talked for about 30-40 minutes, just quiet talking, all H, with me gently encouraging and validating. No R talk.
We are taking the kids out for a hike today, and then on the way back dropping H off at the airport. I asked H if he could show me how to use the power washer this morning before we leave because I want to power wash the house. It is surprisingly easy, just have to climb up on a ladder so I am only going to be able to do the first floor.
Heading out soon to hike with the kids, drop H off at the airport, and then I have music lessons for the kids tonight (teacher is a friend of mine and he comes to the house) and another friend of mine is going to come over while the boys are in lessons to test my D for some visual problems that my friend suspects she has. (My friend is a reading specialist.) This poor girl has so many problems, the list keeps growing. Mostly sensory based, its like her brain has no filter and she gets overwhelmed with sounds, lights, etc, and it sends her into high anxiety. My H doesn't believe any of it, thinks she is just a discipline problem and that she hates him. No wonder why she won't give him a hug. LOL- I just realized how many good friends I have- I have a great network.
The problems between H and D are a huge issue. All the validation and DB'ing in the world isn't going to solve that. I could get my H back, but at some point he is going to have to learn how to relate to our D. I will cross that bridge when I come to it.
Very busy day today, all the way up until tonight. It will be a good day.
Hey photo
Good luck with the pressure washer just be carefull up the ladder
Thank you for keeping up with my sitch
As crazy as it seems I have more people that care about me here than IRL
Ghost x
It was a good day. The kids didn't want to hike, and it was taking everyone a long time to get organized this morning, so we skipped the hike and H, S9 and I went to a sale and out to lunch. It was ok. Neutral, not exactly pleasant but not unpleasant either. Took H to the airport. He was in a mood, abrupt and a bit harsh in his tone, seemed like everything I said pissed him off. Got to the airport, he came around to me in the drivers seat, gave me a "half hug" through the window, no kiss, no thank you, just an "ok" and walked away. Very cold.
I drove home with tears in my eyes, but I am ok. Kids had music lessons, a friend came over and we split a bottle of sangria, now I am babysitting for a friend's kids and they should be going home soon.
I am done. This is my time to detach. I can not stay in crisis mode. I can not continue to be punished. I feel like the time is right, I keep grasping at detachment, maybe getting it for a day or two, sometimes even a week, and then sliding back. I am ready to take a huge step forward in this area. I need to for self preservation. He is not well, so depressed, so checked out, so angry.
I have stopped "flooding", stopped reacting, am better at validating, my GAL is more balanced and realistic now that I have slowed it down and added some quiet reading time so I should be less exhausted and "frantic" with my activities. I have flirted with my x-bf and felt a little thrill about that, and cut that off. I know that isn't a road I want to pursue. Pursuing a job. I think I have made a lot of progress emotionally.
A thought I had today- if I am tempted to text or call H, or obsessing over him, I will stop and do pushups or else clean my house for 15 minutes. Setting the timer. I did this twice after the airport drop off and I got so much cleaning done!
Much more positive than obsessing. And I hate to clean, and I hate pushups, so this might just make me stop thinking about H so much.
I found a few books at the library for my non-fiction reading GAL, George Washington's spies and Unbroken. Also searching for a sexy halloween costume. And working on a few home decor/organizing projects, as always, never seems to end- but my house is finally starting to get a "pulled together" look. We have been living here for 3 years and its been evolving. I've been juicing for one meal per day, mostly breakfast. And keeping up with walking 3 miles every day after I drop kids off at school.
So, there is a lot going on in my life. A lot of positive, a lot of change, a lot of self care, and forward momentum.
Wow. Just wow. It's been a big day for you on a lot of levels! I agree this break will do you, especially, some good. My H travels a lot with work, and right now I am really thankful for that. Too much time together right now is not a good thing...so much healing to do.
I've slacked off on my self-care this week, trying to take care of so many other things. You've motivated me to make that a priority this next week! I cannot afford to slack off in that area, yet it is always the first to go.
Have a great night!
Good job photo. Sounds like you have the right mindset. I agree that physical absence will help. I am happy that baseball is over, and I won't be seeing W nearly as often. I think it will make detachment at least possible.
Keep it up!
Photoka,
It sounds like you do what a lot of us do (or have done)..get a positive reaction on something from our spouse and think about it differently than they do. Or, even if you think about it the same, they get scared and back away again. Do not let it get to you. It probably doesn't mean anything, it is just him trying to sort this all out.
I had an A about 8 years ago and it took several years for me to truly let go. We weren't in touch that long but I didn't want to give up what I felt for him because I was afraid my M would go back to the way it was. As frustrating as it is that your H might be in contact with her on social media, it doesn't mean he doesn't want to reconcile. I never wanted a divorce, even when I was having the A. I just couldn't take the way things were anymore and I was rebuffed at every turn. When my H found out about it and wanted to reconcile, I was SO MAD. I couldn't believe he wanted to fix things when I was "finally happy". I thought I had tried everything to make things work before that ..but I didn't try the 5 Love Languages and my H was feeling unloved so he didn't want to try which led me to give up hope, etc. My point is that even if he really wants your M to work, he may be afraid to give up OW because he may think what I did, which was "what if I let this chance at happiness go and my M goes back to the way it was?" The dilemma is very real and, usually in the A, they haven't experienced any negatives or real life issues so that makes it even harder.
You want to keep on detaching. Be friendly, show some interest in his work, but make you own plans (I know you are through what you said about GAL), not plans with him unless they are really necessary (for the kids, etc). I was the one who didn't come back to the M right away but once my H was finally fed up with my BS and I KNEW he was gone, I found DB/DR and started to do what I needed to. Before that, he was too available to me. He would get upset about how things were and withdraw but within a week or two or three, we would be talking again and acting 'normal'. As soon as we were, I was out again. When he finally got tired of this, I realized I was actually losing him for good and I knew I had to do what I could to fix it because I didn't want to. It took me realizing I was really going to lose him to figure it all out. Even after the A and all we had been through, it was years before I really felt he was done and was leaving. Prior to that, I didn't feel it so I had no incentive to change. If you are right there, ready to get back in, he isn't going to feel that loss and it may keep him away longer. I'm sure it isn't this way for everyone but it was for me and it was for several other people I know.
My H and I reconciled and we are still together. It isn't alway great but it is definitely better than it was. I believe he is over the A, or is over it as much as you can get over it, and he isn't brought it up in years. There is always hope!
Lovethehub, your message to Photo really resonated with me! My goodness, you've practically said the exact same thing my H has said. He's mad because I didn't start changing until he'd already given up. I didn't realize D was on the table, or I might have made changes earlier...who knows at this point?
He's involved with an EA (at the least) with someone else, but recently agreed to MC. I'm not holding out much hope at this point, but don't know what else to do except keep working on me and see where this goes. I'm really angry he refuses to give up his friendship with OW. How on earth can we fix things while he's still involved with her? I just don't see it, but he keeps saying it's not what I think...maybe he'll clue me in at some point.
Thanks for your post, even though it wasn't directed at me. It was exactly what I needed to hear!
Judy, my H kept saying the same thing about OW, that it wasn't what I think. He kept saying it was just a "really nice friendship", yet when he read an article about EA's he admitted that it described it exactly.
Photo-that's what I'm afraid of. He tells this woman things he wouldn't even tell me. He talks about me to her, for crying out loud! On the other hand, he refuses to discuss her with me....how can this be good for our relationship?
I hate this....I really, really hate this.
Lovethehub, I think he is really not speaking to OW at this point. But I think you are right that he is afraid to trust me again, thinks things will just go back to the way they were.
I am afraid that with my H, if he thinks he is losing me he will just give up. He is not a fighter, he is more of a crumble and give in kind of person. He does not bounce back from things.
Either way, you are right that I do need to detach, and I do need to make myself less available to him. If it doesn't bring him back, at least it will preserve what is left of my self respect.
I really appreciate your perspective, and I have a question for you. Is it a good "sign" that H has been coming to MC with me since BD? He is there every week, on time, and usually early. He is also going to IC.
Hi photoka,
How are the push-ups going, or is your home sparkling? Remember, 2 days ago you had a reason for not contacting H while he is gone. I know 'better' reason's sometimes pop up and you send that stupid text. Stay the course, no texting
Mona, I haven't texted him! He did text me when his plane got in to let me know he made it, I texted back "Thanks for the update, have a good night." That's the last I heard from him.
I power-washed my garage and front of my house today. My bedroom is cleaner than it's been in a long time too! That's not saying a lot though, cleaning is not my strong suit. I did one round of push ups and decided cleaning was the better choice, but I should alternate so my arms look good in my sexy halloween costume. LOL. Which I don't have yet.
Thanks for checking in on me, you are right, it is too easy to let emotions take over, but I am getting so much better with that! I will be strong!
Heading out to church now and then movie night with my boys.
I just walked into S11's room and he was face timing H. S handed me the iPad and said "mom, talk to dad." So I talked to him for a few minutes, just simple "what's going on?" kind of stuff. The entire time H kept making an expression, kept curling up his lip on one side. And I remembered so clearly from the TED talk about reading facial expressions that this is a sign of contempt.
The conversation was short, under 5 minutes and I gave the iPad back to S, but I just feel so shaken up now. How long can he hate me? Is there any hope?
I know he hates me, but to see it so clearly has really shaken me up. And the worst part is, this has been his face for years. And this is his face with D. I feel like I just got punched in the gut and can't breathe. Is there any way to turn this around? Space, I guess, lots of space. Why do I still love him? But I do.
Photoka, I have nothing clever to offer you, but I feel the same way when my husband talks about resenting me. Just wanted to let you know you're not alone.
Thanks Gmum. And I am sorry for you too.
I am wondering now if it was the subject matter, I was talking about D because he asked what was up and I said D was trying to convince me to let her get her nose pierced. I am going to do a little experiment and see if I notice the micro-expressions during other topics. Don't worry, I won't use this as an excuse to call him. I will just observe when the sitch comes up. For about a year before BD H kept saying " I hate D, I HATE her, she is driving me out of this house." Yes she was 12 years old. Her behavior was extremely out of control and she vented a lot of it on H. He broke down. Up until BD he was so angry with her, and then abruptly switched it to me.
I know the specific issues that are keeping him "stuck"- D and MIL, and any interaction I have in any way with either of them. I am going to pay attention and see if I can maybe speak more positively or somehow convey a better attitude when these topics come up and see if that helps diffuse some of his contempt.
I think if I look at this as an experiment it will help me detach. And I promise I am not spending too much time on this, just being a little more observant and watching my words and attitude which is what I should be doing any way.
I think if I look at this as an experiment it will help me detach. And I promise I am not spending too much time on this, just being a little more observant and watching my words and attitude which is what I should be doing any way.
Don't apologize for spending too much time on this. I think these are the things you should spend time on. Experiments (IMHO) are good. Experiment away. And the reason I think they are good, is bc it isn't about doing what you've always done, it is about doing what works. Experiment to understand what works. Then do those things.
Thank you Mahhhty. I thought I'd get a response of "stop thinking about H and GAL."
But I know that there are specific things setting him off and keeping him stuck. If I can at least not be contributing to those, not setting off his triggers, that could go a long way towards actually "giving him space" in a way. Emotional space, an emotional break, whatever. I can't go nc because we have kids and we are still technically married and supposedly trying to work it out.
I will watch carefully for the topics that set him off and stick to safe topics. Right now that seems to be his work, what's for dinner, and household projects. I think he is ok with the boys, but I get mixed signals there too.
My plan of exercising or cleaning instead of texting H is working well. I cleaned all 3 bathrooms today, did a little yard work, and one round of pushups. I can only do 8!
Heading out now to take S11 to counseling. I look like a slob from all the yard work but I am not changing because I have developed a crush on S's counselor and I want to discourage myself from "going there." Not that I think he'd reciprocate in any way, or that I would, but I need to take myself out of the mindset.
I just read on the DB Facebook page something that I really needed to hear. Can't share it or like it there, because that would possibly draw my friends or worse H's family to this site, where I have posted way too many details and would be "outed." This is it:
When you have problems in your marriage, people often tell you that you should get out, or that you shouldn't "put up with that crap." Then you begin to second guess yourself.
Don't.
If you fight for your marriage, regardless of the types or severity of your problems, it shows your integrity and your love for your marriage. You're not weak if you're willing to deal with less-than-optimal treatment from your spouse. You're simply working towards a better future.
Hang in there.
Michele Weiner-Davis
Thank you MWD, I needed those words.
I needed to hear that too!!!
That is exactly what we're all doing here... if ppl fought more for their m then the rate of d would drop. Ppl think it's so easy to get a d. But it's not... thanks for sharing. ..
Yes! Needed that. Thanks, Photo.
I just walked into S11's room and he was face timing H. S handed me the iPad and said "mom, talk to dad." So I talked to him for a few minutes, just simple "what's going on?" kind of stuff. The entire time H kept making an expression, kept curling up his lip on one side. And I remembered so clearly from the TED talk about reading facial expressions that this is a sign of contempt.
The conversation was short, under 5 minutes and I gave the iPad back to S, but I just feel so shaken up now. How long can he hate me? Is there any hope?
Photo
Contempt is not hate.
It is a different feeling altogether.
Damaging and separate. Let go, facial expressions are not photographs.
Your S is much more important than any of WH transitory expressions. You did well sweet heart. How you are to S is in your heart, you did that which was needed.
V
A good way to get a little exercise in is with the 7 minute work out. It's a free app with a bunch of simple exercises you do for 30 secs each. Just in case you run out of bathrooms to clean, haha.
Gmum- I will never run out of things to clean because I have 3 kids and two of them (the boys) have friends over every single day- so a constant parade of boys in my house plus a D14 who is I swear part-tornado.
But I will check out that app, it sounds like a good alternative to cleaning.
Just don't polish and dust the kids if they sit still too long.
V
Oh haha. True. Didn't think about the kids. I'm sure you have enough going on then ;-)
V, can you explain to me the difference between contempt and hate? And now that I think about it, even if he hates me, hate is better than indifference, right?
Had a great counseling session tonight with my S11's therapist- he saw both D and S together and they made so much progress. Their relationship has been so tense, I cannot even describe it. S is just a ball of stress and cannot deal with her, collapses and cries whenever she is nearby. (hmm... wonder where he is learning his coping skills from?)
They came out of that session as best friends, and for the last 2 hours are playing and laughing, I had to finally separate them so they would go to bed. I am wondering if I should get this counselor to talk to H. Now that would be a miracle!
Photo, that is awesome. Must have a great counselor! Keep it up! Kids are an awesome thing to focus on, to get your mind off the M problems.
Be strong
OK
Warning x rated thread, and not even sexy!
Have you seen the film inside out?
An amazing movie for explaining e-motions. Meaning energetic emotion.
These are a physiological reaction.
OK let's see how this is in your body.
Do you like dog pooh? How about slime? What about broccoli?
That's digust, it's contempt.
Yuk!
You think of slugs or maggots. You know that these repel you, like a bad smell, your lip curls,your nostrils flair. But slugs, snails and dog pooh are natural.
You can't have a dog without the pooh, slime protects frog spawn, broccoli is great in pasta. That feeling is usually high in the body, in the puke area but you get on with it. Your babies nappy, your sick mom, your rocky tummy, you cope?
Hate is different, think about torture, child abusers, animals maltreated, lower in your body, possibly in your throat, choking, head up, neck elongated.
Hope this explains.
V
Your own way and WH is different.
dday, yes, tonight they are a joy. Laughing so hard that they are rolling on the floor, making fun of me, some weird teddy bear got wet and ended up in S's face story that the boys think is just so funny they can't even get their words out. I am enjoying them.
Photo
Just go to the kids and say fart!
Watch the lip curl and laughter.
V
OK V, so my H thinks of me like dog [censored]. That makes me feel so much better!
LMAO...OMG, I so badly needed a laugh!
Dog farts are the ultimate.
Just to reassure you, my H1 the love of my life, used to enjoy a good fart in bed, then stick my head under the covers! It's referred to as a Dutch oven.
Besides if you light a fart it burns with a blue flame, and burns bum hair. I learned that in guide competitions. The bigger the flame out the tent, the larger the kudos. It's great in a sleeping bag care of a hot zip though.
Lady V
Lol... you guys are in rare form here!
I didn't sleep at all last night. On the bright side, it made me realize that I have been sleeping lately, these sleepless nights were the norm for a long time, but now its just an occasional thing. Trying to stay positive!
An idea popped into my head last night, out of the blue, to send MIL flowers. I don't want to be "fake" and I don't want to suck up to her but I got this urge and I don't know why. Maybe if I sign them from the kids, maybe a cute halloween themed floral arrangement, she will know its from me but on behalf of my kids? This type of gesture is very unlike me, especially towards her. I also lit a candle for her in church on Sunday, to pray that she finds peace and that will help her release her hold on H.
Or am I kidding myself and instead of detaching from H just trying to control the outcome through more creative channels. Idk. I just want peace all around.
OK, rethinking, maybe I will take pics of the kids in their halloween costumes and send them out to all the grandparents- and their great-grandmother- a nice gesture for all, not emotionally charged. Me being a good DIL (and daughter) without trying too hard.
I do want to be nicer. For the sake of me being a nice person. Truly. Just such a strong urge to reach out to her and I don't know why.
I like the idea of flowers from the kids. there is never anything harmful about doing something nice...and it sounds like your MIL suffered as well. Finding compassion torward her might be a way for you to grow. I wish women empathized with each other and stuck together more.
I hope you do not mind that I am posting this on your thread (it is so specific that I am afraid if I put it on mine and someone was reading it they would recognize me). But I wanted to share this based on our conversation on my thread..
The day my husband told me he was moving out was Father's Day. The straw that broke the camels back was a comment I had made that day. I was upset because he hadn't spent time with the kids the past prior weekends and then was sleeping all day and went with mom to pay respects to his father instead of spend time with the boys. Instead I took the boys to the park and One of my sons was crying and screaming at me the whole car trip because he thought I was leaving for the park without daddy. I was mad and made this comment over the phone to husband. "Your father was a wonderful man And would rather you actually spend some time with your sons on Father's Day ". Husband told me this was the most hurtful thing I ever said to him and continues to bring it up. Said that I was using his dad's death to inflict guilt. I wish I had not said this, but I did not think it was such a horrendous comment. Now I understand
Julie, post away on my thread, please! I am sick of my own sitch, would rather read about others. I understand why you made that comment, and I also understand why it hurt your H. I think when you reach a point of being disconnected and hurt, and especially when your children are hurting, it is so easy to lash out and make the situation worse. This is where you need to take a deep breath and walk away for a minute. I have learned that, but it might be too late now for my M.
Interesting how alike our H's are. The workaholic traits, the drinking, putting his parents on a pedestal, disconnected from kids, the aloofness.
I think you said your H is travelling now? How long is he gone?
I'd say start with acts of compassion towards her that don't look like you are trying to gain anything from her (e.g., coming to see you differently) or your H. If it is her b-day, facilitate contact w/ her grandkids. Light that candle like you did. Don't pray for her to change her way, but to find peace and healing for her sake rather than yours. Meet her ire with grace. Meet her criticisms with understanding that these come from some deep well of pain in her and really aren't about you, and refuse to lash out in response.
It needs to be subtle at first, like the dripping of water on a rock, slowly eroding the ire, anger, and abuse. You can't get her to feel better about you by doing anything big. It has to be those little, barely noticed changes in your dynamic from your end. And even then, she may not be able to get past her own issues to ever see what you are offering.
Just my two cents.
As, I have always had the kids reach out to her on her birthday and mothers day, always bought a gift (usually flowers or a plant for her garden) and had the kids make cards. I usually send a nice slideshow of pictures too- maybe 4x per year or so and I put a lot of work into those. When she visits I make sure I have her favorite beverage and fresh fruits and salads and stuff she likes- if I know they are coming, at least half the time they just surprise me. I am not saying I am going to any great lengths for her, I am saying I have always done some basic things. So this would be a step up.
I know she is hurting, and I know she truly believes that I have victimized her and H all these years. I am letting go of my reactions to her. I have done it outwardly very well, now have to work on doing it inwardly.
Dandelions are lovely flowers when pressed.
V
V, I just spit out my tea all over my laptop. How about poison ivy to complement those dandelions! And yes, I am drinking tea, how very British of me, yes? I still need to work on my British swear words. That is my next goal.
poison ivy does turn a lovely red in the fall. Just saying.
Good news. My children are home from school and S and D are getting along. Last night's counseling session made such a big difference. Its like a different world in my home. Nobody is crying! Nobody is fighting!
Also in my world- H sent me a few texts. I was out shopping with D and saw that I missed a few texts, within 30-60 minutes, and sent a quick "Hi, I am out now, call me later if you want to. Everything ok?" I have not had the urge to follow up and its been about 3 hours.
I think my pairing the desire to text him with cleaning or pushups has extinguished my desire to text him. I am THAT lazy.
Also bought another cute dress. I am building a cute wardrobe, now where to wear all of these dresses to? Maybe I can find a GAL that requires dressing up.
I am so excited about your kids!!! That is so wonderful.
You're always welcome to come visit me in Texas...wear something cute for the airport!
Ancaire, my H will be in TX for 6 months, maybe you can keep an eye on him for me. LOL!
He is cute....oh, wait! That's not the kind of eye you meant, is it?
You can have him Judy! He comes with a mother attached firmly up his butt, so good luck with that! If you can remove her, you can have your way with him and more power to you!
You know you don't mean that...
Thanks for offering to share, though. Not all friends are so generous.
Photo
Have you considered that by being user nice to MIL you are rewarding her behaviour?
To encourage MIL to be around less then you may need benign neglect, warm but busy. Always on the move. If you have warning MIL is coming you can make more effort.
Lead and be strategic reward the behaviour you want, ignore the behaviour you don't.
V
Hi Photo,
I understand your urge to be nicer to MIL. If your MIL is solidly siding with H, you could be heading for more pain. No one can inflict snarky remarks like a MIL. I am not suggesting you limit contact in any way, and kindness is ALWAYS the best way to go. But wear a cup because sometimes kindness hurts.
My H moved to another state to have a baby with OW and my in-laws and his family still blamed me. They are decent people, but blood is thicker than water.
Ancaire, V, Mona, thank you for your wisdom. I sent the flowers. I had such a strong feeling to do so, and it didn't feel like it was coming from "me", felt like God or my intuition or whatever you want to call it was leading me to make a nice gesture at this time. I signed them from the children.
There was an email from MIL a few days ago, the first communication I've had since early September. She said "a few people have asked, we will be hosting thanksgiving again." That was it. I emailed back "thank you for the update, I wasn't sure because FIL was discussing alternatives, what can I bring?" She responded back "Nothing, it will be the same old boring menu." So I responded back "Its never boring, its traditional and always delicious. I will bring a vegetarian dish for D, if you change your mind I don't mind bringing something else, just let me know, we are looking forward to seeing you."
I then told D that the holiday was on, she said she knew, grandma had emailed her. I asked her if she had heard FIL discussing other options. She said yes, and grandma too, she told D that it was getting too hard for her to do every year and asked if she'd be disappointed if they didn't do it. So here is the deal. I have heard comments like this for the last 3-4 years. Every year I tell H and mention that we could host. Every year he snaps at me that this is his mother's holiday. He is abrupt and rude about it, as though I am trying to steal something from his mother. Even last week during our anniversary dinner he made an abrupt comment about it.
This isn't the first time I have wondered if a significant part of the problems between the IL's and me is that H does not communicate with any of us, and because of the history of crap between us, we just talk "through" H, who isn't talking at all. So MIL could be thinking why the heck isn't someone else offering to host, I am thinking, when am I going to get my chance to host, H thinks everything is fine with the status quo and shuts down any discussion about it.
H entertains conversations about me with the IL's, assumes they are correct, and rages at me. I am not talking anymore so that is one sided, but in the past I had my times when I talked to H about my issues with the IL's, and he would get upset and try to smooth things over , but it was always very obvious to me that he was reluctant to stand up to his parents. I am thinking H hasn't handled any of this well, has always tried to please everyone by taking the most passive way out, or ignore the situation completely. In the process H got overwhelmed and shut down completely, I became more angry with the IL's, and they became more angry with me. And now this huge mess.
Just to be clear, I haven't handled it well either and neither have the IL's. The whole situation is a mess.
Also, H texted me today, I was out running errands, he asked me how are things? I replied "great!" And when he asked what was great I responded "everyone happy, kids are happy, I am happy, its a good day." And I left it at that.
I also have completely lost my urge to text him because that urge costs me cleaning time or pushups. Am I that easy that I can stop my obsessing just out of laziness? It probably helps that H has been texting and calling me regularly since he left. Also I am ending the conversation first and not answering too quickly either.
Ok, enough for now. Lots of random thoughts in this post. Tell me what you think.
There was an email from MIL a few days ago, the first communication I've had since early September. She said "a few people have asked, we will be hosting thanksgiving again." That was it. I emailed back "thank you for the update, I wasn't sure because FIL was discussing alternatives, what can I bring?" She responded back "Nothing, it will be the same old boring menu." So I responded back "Its never boring, its traditional and always delicious. I will bring a vegetarian dish for D, if you change your mind I don't mind bringing something else, just let me know, we are looking forward to seeing you."
Too much, IMO.
I then told D that the holiday was on, she said she knew, grandma had emailed her. I asked her if she had heard FIL discussing other options. She said yes, and grandma too, she told D that it was getting too hard for her to do every year and asked if she'd be disappointed if they didn't do it. So here is the deal. I have heard comments like this for the last 3-4 years. Every year I tell H and mention that we could host. Every year he snaps at me that this is his mother's holiday. He is abrupt and rude about it, as though I am trying to steal something from his mother. Even last week during our anniversary dinner he made an abrupt comment about it.
This isn't the first time I have wondered if a significant part of the problems between the IL's and me is that H does not communicate with any of us, and because of the history of crap between us, we just talk "through" H, who isn't talking at all. So MIL could be thinking why the heck isn't someone else offering to host, I am thinking, when am I going to get my chance to host, H thinks everything is fine with the status quo and shuts down any discussion about it.
H entertains conversations about me with the IL's, assumes they are correct, and rages at me. I am not talking anymore so that is one sided, but in the past I had my times when I talked to H about my issues with the IL's, and he would get upset and try to smooth things over , but it was always very obvious to me that he was reluctant to stand up to his parents. I am thinking H hasn't handled any of this well, has always tried to please everyone by taking the most passive way out, or ignore the situation completely. In the process H got overwhelmed and shut down completely, I became more angry with the IL's, and they became more angry with me. And now this huge mess.
Just to be clear, I haven't handled it well either and neither have the IL's. The whole situation is a mess.
Did you marry my stbx? From the beginning of our relationship, stbx kept me away from his parents, claimed he didn't want me to be exposed to their dysfunction and his mom's addictions (she was in a really bad drinking phase at that point). I wondered why he wouldn't introduce me to his parents, his parents wondered why I wasn't coming around and having family dinners and it just snow balled from there and ALOT of resentment grew between his mother and myself because we both felt the other was an uppity bitch, to put it nicely, and was really put off that the other wasn't trying to cultivate a relationship. I later learned that stbx was, for a lack of better words, playing all of us. And not in a malicious way, but he was re-enacting survival techniques that came from a childhood that was less than ideal and filled with addictions, abuse, illness, etc. He would tell me what I wanted to hear, and then in turn tell his parents what they wanted to heat, in an effort to keep the peace. Once I finally figured out what was going on, it was too late. Both myself and his parents had become entrenched in our negative opinions of one another. The problem is, we relied on STBX to be the middle conversation man, when we ALL should've been adults and had conversations with each other. I learned that they had tried to visit throughout the years, but STBX shut them down and discouraged them from visiting. They learned (but subsequently didn't believe -- and that's on them) that I had been encouraging STBX to forge a better relationship with them and to visit them more, but he wouldn't because he thought that I would be upset.
It became a big mess. HUGE mess. And because we all didn't know how to communicate with one another, we're reviewing divorce paperwork. Two days before our wedding anniversary. It blows.
Basically, I've been where you are. And it didn't work so well for me.
My advice to you is this: stop counting on your H to convey your thoughts and needs to the IL. You need to do this yourself. It puts less pressure on your H, it asserts yourself as a person the IL's can/should listen to (doesn't mean that they will), and it might be helpful in thawing temperatures with you and them. And in general, never count on anyone to represent yourself the way you can.
---
Also, this is completely out of left field - but, honestly, are you afraid of this not working out? I get that you don't want to be divorced. None of us do. But I see you, for a lack of better words, grasping at any reason that could be causing H's issues and the breakdown of your marriage. Mental illness, addiction, depression, etc. I'm not saying that it's wrong not to want answers, but I see alot of myself in you and your situation. And I know for the better part of a year I was in full denial. I thought that there was some answer that would explain this all. And if I had the cause, and in turn, the answer - then I could fix it. And I've learned I can't fix it. And I'm going to have to be ok with it.
So my question to you is this - what are you fearful of? What's making you so scared of letting go? What do you need to let him go and let go of your need to control every aspect of this?
(And this is all said with love from a HUGE CONTROL FREAK, who is irritated that she can't fix any of this.)
Interesting how alike our H's are. The workaholic traits, the drinking, putting his parents on a pedestal, disconnected from kids, the aloofness.
I think you said your H is travelling now? How long is he gone?
Yes. I noticed that as well. Also you mentioned that your husband never really initiated. My husband was similar as well, and did not seem to ever have the drive that I hear others have, although was happy when I initiated. My husband is just happy being alone doing his own thing, or hanging out with friends where they all drink and look at their phones and barely communicate I know for a fact he has undiagnosed ocd (even his mom confirmed). I too am trying to come up with reasons and diagnosis for him. I hate to say it, but I felt better mentally when he left. His behavior was just so selfish and he is just not fun. All he did was stay on a computer, sleep late, and disappear. He tells me there is no other women and that he could never handle that kind of stress and he wants nothing to do with other women and I kind of believe him because he really can't handle a lot, and was never that womanizer personality and he has gained weight, but the signs are there for affair.
Another similarity is I also have a son that has sensory issues, although he is sensory seeking. It's not easy, especially when he gets tired. It's all been left for me to handle and husband just does not get it.
The only difference is my in laws really seemed to like me. MIL is super helpful and nice to me and just a good person all around, although I would get annoyed with her bossy nature and there is something socially off about her. She is definatly an enabler but now I understand why.
Calibri, I am still afraid of losing H. I still love him. I am still in love with him. I try to let go, I have let go somewhat, but I am so scared of losing him. I know intellectually that I will be ok without him, but my heart aches for him every second of the day.
I know I am grasping at reasons. H has told me from BD that his biggest reasons are the division between me and his parents and the issues with D. So I am not really grasping with those things. And his depression is real, and severe. So yes, I keep thinking if we could solve these problems there is hope. I know there is also a good chance it won't work. But if I don't try then I will always wonder what if?
What do I need to let him go? I don't know. I really don't.
Julie, we do have a lot in common. My H has been away now for 4 days, and yes, things are more fun without him. So why do I miss him?
Calibri, thinking more about your advice. The problem with communicating with the inlaws. I can not actually talk to MIL because she lies and manipulates words, will say one thing to my face and then the second someone else walks in the room suddenly the story changes. She will say the most bizarre, inappropriate, mean spirited things and then deny them. My best defense is to keep away from her. In the past I asked H to stick up for me, to draw some boundaries to keep her away from me. That failed. So now I just don't let her get to me, I don't react, I keep busy and try to avoid being alone with her or having real conversations with her. That has been working for me. She still has H's full attention and is spinning him up about me, that I cannot control.
So I have stopped reacting, stopped complaining, and I am trying to speak up for basic logistical needs. I am adding the flowers as a kind gesture, because it popped into my head to do something kind and I know that in her own way, she is hurting and she believes I am the cause of it. H keeps telling me this anyway. Speaking to her will only come back to hurt me. Because she will lie and twist my words.
I have taken H out of the middle of things, but I can't really be in the middle either, I have to maintain a pleasant distance and just keep an eye on my kids that they don't get drawn into this. I am trying to not contribute to this dynamic anymore. For 8 months I have been withdrawing, and keeping a safe distance. I feel like doing something like sending flowers, is just trying in a different way to extend peace. My H is desperate for peace, he keeps making comments about how much his mother is suffering, I know I am not the cause, and I know I cannot fix it, but if I can think of small ways to extend an olive branch without inflaming the situation, I think that could possibly help. I do want peace. I do not want a full-fledged relationship with this woman, I do not believe it is in my best interests, but I do want peace.
I might be trying to control the situation, but I also think I might just be trying to be the best person I can be, and to take any actions I can that could possibly help. Or maybe I can't let go.
Thank you for your post, I am thinking on your words.
Photo - I unfortunately have no experience with a difficult MIL - but I do have experience with people.
You sent flowers, which was truly a kind gesture. Let's see what happens. She also spoke with you about things she'd never disclosed before - I don't know, but that kind of sounds like a thaw to me.
Just like with DB'ing, trying something new never hurts. If it works, great! If not, don't do it anymore.
That's all I got.
Thanks Ancaire, that was helpful. I like how you simplified it for me. Sometimes, especially since DB I overthink everything.
On my way out now, to a concert. Leaving the kids to watch each other. I used to be able to do this for 1-2 hours at a time before D and S started fighting nonstop, seems like they are good with each other now so this will be a test. I get to GAL without having to arrange for childcare or bring one of the offending siblings with me. I rented a movie for the boys so this might work. Will be a huge relief if so.
Wow. That is incredible progress with the kids! You are going to enjoy the freedom so much.
What concert will you be enjoying this evening?
Overthinking? LMAO Have you seen my thread lately, and the giant stick Avanti had to hit me with?!?
Really wish I could simplify things for myself.
Really good concert at my church. My kids behaved. Apparently there was a small fight, but nobody was crying or obsessing about it. Huge progress. So amazing that the constant fighting and crying has been replaced by giggles and silliness. My kids are ganging up on me and trying to convince me to let them get some marmosets as pets. Also someone clogged the toilet and this they find to be so amusing. I told my mother how extreme the difference is- they went from screaming at each other to rolling around on the floor laughing. She said they really missed each other and are making up for lost time. I hope this happens with me and H. I know I miss him like crazy.
A huge weight has been lifted. My son's counselor is amazing.
My goal tomorrow is to get a lot of things done that I keep putting off because I come on this board instead. I have a big stack of medical claims to file, some work for the school, and half my house is still needing to be power washed. I also have some reading for pleasure that I need to get to, going to put aside the self help books and read for fun. Plus my usual 3 mile walk. Tomorrow will be a day to make a lot of progress on my to-do list.
I'm so happy for those changes. Keep thinking positive. Your h will see and it may help. You are a great mother!!!! Your my inspiration. I've said it before and I say it again. Without your support I'd be lost. Thanks for being a great friend too! !!!
Thank you for your friendship, O. We are in this together!
I had a really busy day so far, got so much accomplished. Kids coming home from school in a few minutes, I am taking a quick DB forum break but have managed today to not think about things so much. Sometimes I think I am addicted to this board, you are my lifeline.
H has been texting today, all week so far actually, nothing personal or too exciting, but he is keeping in touch. I have been answering, but not immediately, don't want to seem to available, and actually I have been busy so its not really an act.
It is a relief with him away, I am more relaxed but also the kids are doing better so I am sure that is a part of it. Or are they doing better because H isn't here? I guess we will know when he gets back next week. I am still hopeful.
Hi, I'm glad to find you in good spirits. It sounds like having your husband away for a week has been therapeutic for you. When my wife goes on business trips I used to get twisted and bent out of shape. Now I feel more relaxed while shes away. I love her but not the current state of my marriage. I think that's where your at also.
Keep the faith Photoka, your heart is bigger then your husbands baggage.
Glad your stress level is down. It makes you realize how stressful life can be with them around and vice versa.
Don't respond to all of his texts. If they don't ask for a response or seem to require one, then let some of them go. Even some that seem to be asking for a response if they don't seem necessary, let a few go. Let him feel what it is like to not have you at his beck and call. Let him worry about you a little bit. Leave some mystery.
Thank you As. You are right. I hate how this feels like I am playing games, but you are right. I didn't respond to all of his texts yesterday because I was actually really busy. And he text me twice for a phone number, so maybe an hour after the second text I texted back "Google it, I don't have it with me."
I am having a rough day. I took my D to her counseling session today. She is doing SO much better than she was, but still its a huge struggle for her to deal with noises. Mostly noises that I make- she reacts with rage whenever I swallow, yawn, breathe, chew, etc. She will repeat the noise in an exaggerated way, yell at me that I am disgusting, etc. It becomes very depressing to be around her, to be told 100X a day (at least) that I am gross. H and I both trigger her. She can hear the same noise from one of her brothers, or a friend, or even the dog and it is ok. If she keeps her reaction quiet, and doesn't yell at us or mock us, the sound repeats in her head all day and then she gets angrier and doesn't sleep and she just gets mean all around. So basically I am her verbal punching bag. It is a neurological problem called misophonia- and there is no treatment except to manage her stress and her reactions. Her other issues - medical and pyschological- are well managed right now, so that is positive. In the last 6 months she is sleeping and eating better than in her entire life, and has stopped passing out, her heart rate is normalized, and her mood is better than ever.
Anyway, I ended up in tears at the appointment, just broken down, my beautiful D who I love so much cannot tolerate being in my presence, and the only person who can truly understand this is H and, well, you all know, I don't have him any more. I want so much to send her away to boarding school or somewhere so I can have some peace, but she also has other issues (ocd, thyroid disease) and she isn't good with taking her meds and she is just 14 so she needs me. And then she would probably start reacting to other noises and she'd be stuck dealing with this all on her own.
I feel so alone. I can talk to the "misophonia" moms and they get me about her, and I can come here and talk to the DB'ers and you all get me about H, but some days I feel like I am being hit so hard from two directions and I just don't know how I am getting through this. But I am. I am holding my head up and functioning each day, and its not killing me, but then other days, like today, I feel like it might.
I have such bad chest pains too, thought it was stress, but then I realized I did a lot of pushups yesterday because of my new do pushups or clean rule instead of calling H. I am up to 12 pushups now. I do the modified ones so maybe that is cheating? Whether its cheating or not, I am feeling it, so its doing something.
Also S11 is still doing better. Not great, but better. This week has been a huge improvement for him.
I am tired of being strong. I want a man, preferably H, to be at my side, to help me through this, to be a co-parent and a real partner in my life. I miss my H so much. I really do. I don't want him to go away for 6 months. I am scared that if we (me and the kids) do well while he is gone, he will think he is not needed and not come back. I am scared that if we don't do well while he is gone, he won't want to come back to dysfunction. Of course I will do my best for the kids and my best to make sure they thrive. And then he can make his decision at that point.
Photo...I really, truly understand. On one hand, I hate it when H is here - on the other, I miss him horribly when he's gone (well, the old him anyways.) My husband has always travelled a lot for work. When it was just me and the 5 kids...sometimes I just felt overwhelmed and exhausted. It was so tiring; running the house, paying bills, meals for 6, chauffeur service, keeping track of schedules, etc...
I missed my H so much back then. He was so good about calling. He'd check in frequently. I miss that.
About your daughter and her hypersensitivity to sounds you make. What types of behavior modification has she tried? I've found the easiest way to distract a child from whatever is bugging them is one of the rubber wristbands. One of my kids had trichotillomania, which meant he just kept pulling his hair out. Poor kid had no eyebrows, eyelashes, leg hair, and had huge bald patches on his head. I took him to the store, and we picked out several bands that he liked. When he started feeling the urge to yank, he'd snap the bands instead.
I wonder if that might work for her. She can focus on the slight pain of the band snapping her wrist, rather than being completely distracted by you. If it works, she'd probably really appreciate the break from overstimulation. I don't know...just a thought.
Hang in there, Photo. You are such an inspiration to us all!
Ancaire, thank you for your support. Her issues are also visual, its all comes down to neurological processing errors. Her brain scrambles her sensory signals and causes her a lot of anxiety. Her therapist now is trying some different techniques, but there really isn't much out there that has proven effective, she is going to have to learn to manage her stress and her reactions.
I am so exhausted today, I just want to sleep and cry. And this is homecoming weekend so it's going to be a busy few days. Kids get home in half an hour and then my neighborhood goes into crazy party mode for the next 36 hours. I live in a very fun neighborhood. I am glad my kids are old enough that I can just let them run wild, might be the first year I don't have to chase them and just trust they will come back home when the festivities are over.
That's something to be thankful for pho. I'm glad you live in a great neighborhood, and the kids can have fun. Hopefully you can enjoy some of it too!
Oh Asitis that's a good one!!!!
Thank you everyone for your responses. I had a really rough day emotionally but kept true to DB. H sent a couple of texts, I responded back almost 2 hours later with a picture of the kids at the parade. No comments, just the pic of the kids.
Had some fun watching the parade, met a couple of new people, then took the kids to have dinner at the food truck event. All of my kids are now at the game without me, this is new! I live right by the high school, I can hear the cheering and the band from my living room so I feel like I am a part of it, but I am in my comfy pjs with a cup of tea enjoying my warm house and not freezing my butt off out there. I really needed some alone time.
I am thankful for good friends who help me with my kids. I am thankful for a fun, very family oriented neighborhood. I am thankful for this DB site, because without all of you I'd be divorced right now.
I wanted my H so badly today, I am aching for him with my body and soul. But I stayed true to DB and I am not scaring him off with my desperation. I took good care of myself and all 3 children today. Everyone is happy and nurtured and loved. I can hold my head up high, as a mother, as a woman, as a friend, and even as a wife because I am loving him in the only way I can right now, quietly and from a distance, I can hold my head high even if my heart is on the floor.
Peace to all of my DB friends tonight, virtual hugs to you all.
I can hold my head high even if my heart is on the floor.
Yes you can.
Keep it up. High.
And do it again tomorrow.
Thank you Azz. I will. Again and again.
Photoka, you are so kind to so many and you tend to put yourself last in the queue for attention and care.
You remain committed to DB'ing what does that really mean to you? When did you last read the DR book? Isn't it about time to get your head back into its text and really applying it from the bottom up, no missed steps?
The first step being to clear everything you know to date away and start afresh, the next is to determine some goals and then create plans to help achieve them.
If you find this hard, ask for help, this is where I say you need to start putting yourself first. Let others help you for a while and get your mind straight.
You say you are scared to lose your H (here's a 2x4) you aren't doing yourself any favours by allowing yourself to be in limbo. You seem frozen, uncertain how to behave, unsure of your feelings... A set of goals and plans will change that for sure and you'll feel so much better as you'll be able to change from consulting your feelings to consulting your plan.
Avanti. Thank you. Give me an example please? What kind of goal should I set? You are right, I am in limbo and it is killing me. I am doing well with my self care, I have stopped reacting emotionally, stopped pursuing H, I exercise regularly, eat well, find quiet time for myself, all of my children are doing well, or at least making progress with their respective issues. I am taking voice lessons, going to church, spending more time with friends. I have completely taken myself out of the MIL/H dynamic yet it is still plugging away without me. I don't react to her, I don't complain.
I pulled the DR book out to re-read about 2 weeks ago but I haven't gotten to it yet.
I will put it on the top of my reading pile so I will start it again tonight.
In the meantime, help me. What kind of goals should I be setting?
Goals are very personal and should be based on what you believe in and want most.
The way many have found works is to start with the end in mind. Take some time to yourself and create a detailed picture in your mind of what you want to achieve. Don't flinch or be timid, it's a picture of what you want and desire, no need to share it with anyone, unless you want to, so there's no need to be ashamed or fear it won't happen. Embellish every nuance of the mental picture, every colour, sound, smell, touch, expression, feeling...
Make it something you feel real strong about and once you've done that write down 2-3 goals max that when reviewed will help you to bring that picture back into your mind as strong and full as it was when you first created it.
Once you've got the goals clearly defined, writing a plan becomes quite easy, make it detailed with timelines and measurements to review against.
The DR book will help with all of this including how to word your goals to get the best from them. Break through that procrastination and get reading, the sooner you do the quicker you'll start to feel better. The top of the read pile is OK, in front of your eyes and being absorbed is far better.
If you get stuck, post something here, and there are many who can and will help you, you've paid forward enough, by helping others, to guarantee that.
One thing that can't be guaranteed is that you'll get exactly what you aim for, you may get something close or not so close.
The great news is that you'll feel in control of yourself and be capable of dealing with the changes that may happen as you'll see and completely accept them for what they are, what is meant to be. Not a guess at what you think it might be, the real deal and you'll be fine with that because you will have grown into it rather than sat and fretted that it might happen along with a myriad of other combinations.
Avanti, are you talking about relationship goals? Like I want to be greeted when H comes home from work? And I want more sex- like 1x a week? Or are we talking about "me" goals- like workout 5x per week? I did set goals with not reacting emotionally and that is kind of part R goal and part personal behavior, and I did very well with that. It took a while though, but its been several weeks since I reacted emotionally (except for one incident where H woke me up at 2:30 am on our anniversary to tell me I ruined his mother's life, but my reaction was limited in duration and intensity.)
I will definitely reread DR. Tonight. When I read it 3+ months ago I was in a different place, so it would be good to go back, will probably seem quite different. Thank you for pushing me Avanti. I need some forward momentum, I am stuck.
I can't answer that question, only you can because it's your picture and therefore your goals come from it.
Given what you've said you have potentially skipped straight to the goals part, follow the process and allow your mind to wander and dream, it'll create the picture for you if you give it some time.
The DR book will definitely put you on the right track regarding how the goals should be structured, enjoy your read, right from the beginning page 1, no skipping chapters or sections, promise?
Photo, I read DR every day. Just a chapter or so some days. It keeps me focused, and Michelle's writing style keeps me motivated. When I don't do this, I find I veer farther off the DB path.
Likewise, although I do get distracted by other books sometimes. I try to spend at least 30 minutes, (total) sometimes way more, each day reading non-fiction (usually self help), or checking my goals and plans or meditating if my emotions are getting the better of me. I am determined to grow as a result of all that's happened and see these activities as enabling that. It took a while to get into the habit but it feels like it's paying dividends already.
I read self-help books every day too, and I just added in some non-fiction "fun" books to expand my mind and give myself a break from the self-help. I have a huge library now.
I started rereading DR this afternoon, not skipping pages or sections. Just finished step #1- start with a beginners mind. Will keep reading tonight.
I adore TED talks.
I guess I read two to three books a week.
V
OK, I just reread through Step 5- Experiment and Monitor results. I wrote four detailed goals. And surprised myself by realizing we are well on our way to achieving one of them. I would say we are 50% there. I had noticed it, but not really put it into context, and it is an encouraging sign. The second goal we are also making progress with, maybe 10-20% of the way there. The other two, are related to each other, in regards that it would be a shift in our dynamic- with H taking a more assertive approach and initiating some things. I am so tired of being the leader in every facet of our lives, I would LOVE to see H step up and take some action and be decisive.
I think I am going to ask him for these two things in MC next week. I think I can ask him in a positive way, and frame it in a way that is respectful and actually good for H. If he isn't ready to respond, I can break it down into smaller steps and measure and experiment. Going to think on it and reread again tomorrow, see if a good night's sleep and some more thought will firm up my goals.
Today was a good day. Kept busy with kids, a little pre-homecoming dinner party with friends to see the kids off to the dance, some yard work, and some time reading DR and writing my goals. Also managed to squeeze in a movie with my boys. My mood was good, my kids are happy, I didn't call or text H and ignored the one text he sent me. He texted me "hi" about 4 hours ago. He can text me or call me if he wants to reach me. I am not hanging by the phone waiting on a "hi". But I am happy for the "hi"- him initiating contact is a good thing.
Wow, that is great news Photoka.
It is amazing what progress can be made without realising it. Your whole demeanour seems to have changed as a result of you seeing what you've achieved. Sure, there is still a way to go, but life is a journey so there will always be stuff that needs doing, if we didn't have it our lives would be pretty boring, right?
Asking for what you want is one of the DB principles and you are righ to ask for it during an MC session. Review how things go and adapt.
Keep up your forward focussed, self oriented outlook and if you start to doubt yourself, consult your goals and your plans not your feelings and you'll feel empowered and in control of your destiny.
I admit I was wrong in my thinking that you were a bit lost and needed to get some direction, it seems you simply hadn't taken the time to reflect and were actually quite a way down a road that you'd already designed.
Congratulations Photoka you are doing real well!
I adore TED talks.
I guess I read two to three books a week.
V
That is impressive, I'd give my right arm to have that kind of reading speed.
It is really easy to learn to speed read Avanti. I learned at university.
In fact the faster one reads the greater the understanding.
I just wished I had also learned to type. That is on my hit list, to learn typing.
There is probably a course on the interweb somewhere. I would prefer a classroom, perhaps a weekend course to kick start me. I think I hold my wrists in the wrong position. So a practical thing to help me.
I bet you can type properly Avanti, the computer generation always seems to. I tried dictating but for some reason the dictating systems don't work very well on the technical lingo, must be my accent!
When I read posts I add an accent in my mind and a voice.Photo has a crisp clear voice with energy in it.
Avanti, yours is deliberate and thoughtful and you are softly spoken. I do wish we had avatars on the board. A posting system which is more like second life, wouldn't that be amazing.
V
Please start a new thread.
V- I have a NY accent, and I am very soft spoken (two things that don't usually go together, but there you go, LOL) , did you imagine that? I have always read quickly, before kids I could get through a novel in a day or two. I also have a photographic memory. Going to tweak my goals a bit, break them into "baby steps" before talking to H about it, don't want to scare him off. Also since he is leaving for 6 months thinking about changing them up a bit to accommodate the distance. More reflection today.
Thanks, starting a new thread.