Last conversation with RD.
Hi Vanillia [from RD]
Sorry to hear sis is still ill. Is she on the road to recovery ?
Yes RD, livers can recover and she could if she chose improve her diet. She does exercise in the summer, tennis although afterwards they tend to eat junk, drink wine and coffee. When she looses weight she crash diets on prepackaged stuff, slimfast etc, I would rather she juiced and gave up the junk. She says life is too short, nothing I can do to persuade her there are better ways to be healthy.
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iPad thing sounds like a nightmare and maybe Samsung is the way to go especially for peace of mind.
Something new to learn. Android and the advantages in the comms over time will be enormous.
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The L is being paid to do a job and you should follow their advice Let L deal with all this as you have enough on your plate.
Yes RD, I also help clients with D and S paperwork, we prepare it for them, build spreadsheets and fill in the forms for the L to alter. So I am familiar with it. We are cheaper than an L for this and probably more efficient plus we are often looking at business structures and loans to fund D and S. My cost is 125 and L 250 plus and there is VAT in the UK too, so an L can cost 300 per hour here. It isn't sensible to use an L for 6 hours when one can prepare and get the L to work 2 hours. So its a cost thing.
Re the Fins, what's the issue?
The issue is the paperwork, I havent been able to invoice clients for work done, mainly because the timesheets werent processed by WH and the time done was incorrectly allocated, so work done for one client was ascribed to another. WH set up clients that didn't exist, duplicated them. His paperwork was so poor, new clients didn't have contracts in place, receipts werent processed so i didnt know which clients had paid which bills. Cash payments were in the wrong bank accounts, including personal ones when they should be business.
A real mess, when WH took this over in Feb 2014, it was on the basis that he would do the business admin and I would do the tec stuff for clients. He didn't do this and I am coming to the conclusion that he has deliberately tried to destroy the business as it was healthy and growing.
He also ran the agency payrolls for 12 months and fortunately the problems were all admin and I have resolved them as a priority. He did the CIS and I am currently resolving this.
Frankly for a high fly qualified management accountant, very poor indeed. I have checked everything he did and it has been very depressing.
I always put clients and HMRC first on this. If I go under then it isn't for taking short cuts, all clients will be treated properly and all regulatory work will be done correctly, no shortcuts. WH did no other client work, thank goodness.
Is the company making profit of at least not losing?
it was profitable and paid the bills until WH took over the admin and accounting. The WIP will make a profit.
Is the issue cash flow?
Yes, the issue is cashflow. I havent felt confident with the timesheet allocations that WH did so this is something I have had to review. Until I am sure its correct then I wont invoice, if there is any doubt it is in the clients favour.
Plus since clients are duplicated then time is all over the place, once I have invoiced I cant then re-invoice if time is missed. WH didn't ask for cash on account for new clients, and didnt chase outstanding debtors, even those from before he took over. I have obviously invoiced for stand alone jobs which I completed, such as probate and investigations.
You've shown us you are a demon with the numbers so what's needed ?
Reconciliations and review so I can invoice. its all admin, not high fly at all. Some clients haven't been invoiced for two sets of tax returns or accounts. WH didn't do it and in the end said "I am not doing any boring work", in the meanwhile time marches on so we are looking at 3 years worth soon. Of course its in WIP. In a way its a good thing as at least I can invoice and the money isn't spent by WH. The other issue is that WH didnt follow the new client process as laid down by our institute and I have had to report the breach and put a plan in place to rectify it. Until it is I daren't take on new clients. WH didn't revise the contracts last year as required, he demanded I rewrite them which I did, said I didnt have the 'process' documented for him to flow. When I did he said that I wasnt delegating and insulted me. A spreadsheet he constructed appears to suggest he did do the work but the files show differently. The new contracts are with an L and can be issued soon, and that is a huge admin cost as WH didn't update the client work databases when new clients or work came along.
We may have done work for clients that haven't had contract updates for the work involved. if I invoice before that's done then I may not be insured under my PI insurance.
The only good thing is that I kept the money laundering under tight control and because no invoices and contracts have been issued then no cash has changed hands. Its a mess, whenever I tried to review WH would throw a rant and insult me, or not turn up. I froze. At least it is only a fifteen month period.
Cash flow or more customers?
Cashflow, I am turning customers away, we have a waiting list of 10 customers. We will lose them soon as their tax returns need to be done.
Can expenses be reduced?
I hope to move into my own offices and am using the pension fund assets to do it. This will reduce the value of the Pension Fund for the D too.
I laid off three staff in order to save cost but ended up doing the work myself. I work about 90 hours a week. Most of it is rectification work, I feel it is so sensitive that I need to check everything myself. It is going to be right and valid.
If WH had been other than a director and shareholder then I would have implemented controls as I do in other areas. WH was so abusive whenever I wanted a review that I ceased to check. When I did he threw his toys out of the pram, I had no boundaries and was weak. I am taking responsibility for my part in this and its uncomfortable to do.
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As for feeling stupid, I have to use some harsh words here, your a decent, kind, intelligent, compassionate person, why would you be looking for signs of abuse and you loved this man so certain traits ( to put it kindly ) he had, you accepted or rationalised. Does that make you stupid ?
Of course not, it makes you normal so please move on from that. You beating yourself with a stick that almost anyone on this planet could use.
I know some of this intellectually although spiritually I lose connection with my higher power sometimes tempoarily, the feelings of trauma are still there.
I decided to be authentic on this RD, otherwise I think sometimes it looks to others as if it is easy and that strength is innate. It isn't like that. To me it is important that the truth is out there, that my journey shows the ups and downs, the triumphs and the struggles.
You are very kind, loving man RD, although this experience has brought me down to earth with a bump. WH is such a sad destructive soul, I would he were healed for his own sake and for those he comes into contact with. I hope his higher spirit reaches him and that he grows into his potential. I can only keep projecting this for him. I will not be abused, and WH and I are to move on. My journey is a different path.
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You seem so down lovely V , would you please consider a trip to visit Glam Sis I think it would do you and sis the world of good. These times are so hard and we have no choice but to seek a way to deal with them. You are so kind to so many on here and you need some of that kindness for yourself.
I agree, I am traumatised rather than depressed sometimes and overwhelmed by the damage that WH did in such a short time, although Glam Sis and I talk every day. She would like to come and help, if I could delegate I would. There will be a time when I have caught up and I can delegate.
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What's happened to the GAL of late?
I still GAL, mainly work GAL. I gamanon every Tueday and orange Wenesday with films. My GAL score is about 20. I do monitor it.
Are we still tripping the light fantastic with the dancing?
Not at the moment, although I plan to let myself go dancing again from November to January as a reward!
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Come on Vanillia , many of us on here use you as a guiding light and let the light reflect back.
That is so sweet to say, I confess that often when I read posts I see some very lovely things being said and since the abuse I have been a hole in the doughnut person recently. To my deep regret I often don't thank others on their threads for their postivity and I can choose in future to embrace that. A 180 is coming.
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You are worth so much more than this cr@p and it will be over one day and you will be in the red convertible, cruising along the sea front without a care in the world (only which bottle of white to open when you decide to head home).
Life will be good and this chapter on your life will be a entitled, Another challenge completed. You will get though this because you can, you've had a life of ups and downs and this is a down. Lets remember all the ups.
I often remember the way you post re H1 (sorry that's a terrible way to name him) and it always makes me feel good. I would love to have met you as a couple, I bet it was magical. There was a huge up in your life and there will be plenty more.
Love shows doesn't it even through these strange posting windows. I read the love you have for your children. It was your thread RD that gave me the courage to join the board. So I am glad that H1 (its the board convention), is providing comfort to you, it would give him great pleasure and joy to know that, so I thank you for him and in his memory. The anniversary of his death is on the 17th December, the same day I lost my little girl and my cat Big G died, so I will celebrate the love on that date with you.
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Take care special lady, post often so you many friends on here can offer some support Rd. xxxx
Now I have my Samsung I will!
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Enough back to posting on my ledger!!!!!
Tons of love and rainbow strength
V
Last conversation with Avanti
I am struggling, the Fins are awful.
So are the Swedish, but what's that got to do with it? :-)
Now then.....
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My sleep is disrupted and I struggle every day as more and more crap from WH piles up and up. Saw L yesterday, she wants to go on the offensive and to offset the increase in WH pension scheme against my settlement.
I just want this over, done finished.
The deception, lies and out and out manipulation is becoming very clear.
I feel so stupid not to have seen it.
You are being unnecessarily tough on yourself and if you saw someone doing that what would you say to them?
I would probably say, evaluate the truth in it and make a plan, instead of just sitting with your head up your jacksie, complaining. Plus - life is very short, why waste more time thinking about a waster? Go enjoy life.
So here it is:
Plan for turnaround in Fins
What is causing the issue? I work hard and yes I GAL too. PMA is positive but in these mornings, I wake at 7 and sit and veg out until nearly 10 because I feel so overwhelmed. Once up and 'at it' I am ok. Its the getting to it which is an issue. Sleep is possible but not restful.
Whenever I tackle the books I see the damage WH has done and I fall into a funk about it. These are triggers for me, spending cash on himself when the bills remain unpaid.
If I can just suck it up and get it done then I can file the paperwork and invoices and I will never have to look at it again unless HMRC asks a question. At least I wont have to post items from bank statements arising from WH period anymore.
It is the reconciliations that are needed.
One of my problems is WH moved money around the accounts without really leaving a proper paper trail. It takes hours to track a transaction around. The current paperwork is fine as I do that myself, it isn't in a good enough state to delegate any of it. There are now paying in books with copies of transfers, nothing is missing. Accounts are named properly and transfers done properly.If I have to transfer say 1000, one of the tricks is to make the transfer an odd sum so transfer 1010.28 for 1000 transferred on 28 October. Each transfer is unique and trackable. Makes life easier!
WH worked from spreadsheets which are non functional, without dates and descriptions. He kept accusing me of not having accounting systems, untrue, we have been using the same accounting package since 2003 and it is on virtual servers. He just preferred his spreadsheets which have almost no value. they are unusable and the information is incomplete. All transfers are called transfers, duh! Its like saving letters in word with the title 'letter', doesn't say who to, what for, when, where or why. I am never opening his spreadsheets again, they confuse me very much and putting them right will take too much effort, so I have started again, from scratch. This means 18 months of reposting and reconciling. i am almost there. I need to push it home.
Every drawer, cupboard and zipper file I opened had invoices in it. Some going back up to two years. Unsorted, duplicates and a big mess. This I sorted, so with the very odd exception its now only current stuff which is filed about once every two weeks. this will now be done on a Friday. Every Friday.
I need changes for me.
Those changes need to be now and need to be fast. The Fins (really Avanti!), I think its because I get it 80% done and then never finish my own Fins. So here is what I am going to do, every weekend from Thursday afternoon until Monday morning I will work on my Fins and nothing else until everything is cleared. Only Saturday night GAL. A member of staff is coming in to help me on Sunday- at home. Every spare minute will be spent on my Fins not client work. Its not in that bad a shape. Its just posting of accounts to be done.
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The iPad is annoying. It's not the end of the world, you seem to be very unlucky as I've not had any issues with them. When IT goes mad it's usually because you filled up the storage, is the iPad quite full?
Sadly no, there is loads of space. It's the wifi and bluetooth not working I think.
Part of the problem is that WH 'wiped' all the info from 2 ipads and 2 iphones, quite deliberately in my view. I just don't know what is coming next!!!!
I use iexplorer to clear it to my laptop. I now have a 'cheapie' Samsung and with my chromecast I should be able to do lots of projecting to my Samsung TVs. I love technology and could loose my self for hours in it.
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Your very very very very exceedingly WH and his shenanigans is all part of the package and you are taking it personally, what would you say to someone who asked you what they do, if they were in your position?
I would say 'yes, I get it' and 'nothing you can do'.
Sadly abuse isnt like that, I get flashbacks and trauma hitting me, and I will recover, I am learning as many recovery techniques as I possibly can. I will pay it forward here. I have been on this board a year and I have learned as much in one year as I have learned in the whole of my life. I also have learned to express myself a little, my early posts here were in accounts style and slightly precise. I have learned that I have an on line personality and a way of expressing which has spilled over into my ordinary life.
I decided last week to visit the supermarket where I last had my major breakdown- this was after reviewing this on the board. I thought it was time I faced my distress and tackled it head on. I even bought apple juice, which I gave away. It took a lot out of me and set me back for a couple of days. On Tuesday I will go again and I will keep on doing it until I am free of the fear. I am developing some techniques which I will share. I think they will be very useful.
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Time to turn that V. Incisiveness inwards, you know the answers are there, hopefully we can help you to gain access to them.
Yes, I know. I need action not activity!
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For what it's worth, I think your glam sis's situation is weighing you down as all the information you have on her is verbal. Isn't it time to go and see her, for you and for her?
Yes, you are right although we face time. Glam sis is very overweight (UK size 16, US size 14) at the moment and it concerns me. I have arranged that she is coming down with favourite cousin to the Brighton flat soon where we do girlie. She wants to do Xmas shopping in the Brighton Laines (which are amazing by the way).
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Thank you for your post, I see Avanti, you are doing a V probe on V!!!
Tons of hugs
V
Cadet could you explain the little click box on the last step of the link icon please?
When it says prevent further posts on the thread, is this on the old or the new thread?
And does clicking the box 'lock' the thread?
Thanks
V
It actually says
"prevent this page from creating additional dialog pages"
I clicked it on your previous thread and now I can't get that button to work on that thread. ?? ?? ??
Let me research the "lock this topic" box(underneath the reply box and signature box), it appears for me on my moderator log on however I dont know if it appears for you - I will check it out and let you know.
EDIT - No I am the only one that can lock threads, you can't do it, with this software.
Hi Vanllla Thanks for the comprehensive answers. My take on the delegation is it needs to be done. Easy for me to say but I'm sure you have staff that are competent to do this. Even if they carry the load and you spot check.
0 customers waiting. Big no no. There has to be a way for these customers to be added to client list correctly and promptly. This is a priority. Even if they are added as a cash on delivery / filing basis then it needs to be done. Cash flow knocking on your door
Glad glam sis is recovering and I'm delighted to hear that Could she come and stay for company and recovery ?
The abuse you suffered has been done and can't be changed however you can deal with it in lots of ways and for an untrained fool like myself , I would accept its happened and MAYBE you could have avoided some of it , now it's time to let it go and move forward. I can see you agreed to some extent as you still have positive words for H , which is a measure of your great character
I'm quite good at at remembering and I'm almost embarrassed to ask but your little girl. ? Please ignore the question if it's inappropriate but did I miss this ?
Your pos was strong and it's was good to see that. I say this quite a bit on here but thanks for being Vanillia Carry on being Vanillia and only good things can happen.
Take care. Rd
Cadet could you explain the little click box on the last step of the link icon please?
When it says prevent further posts on the thread, is this on the old or the new thread?
And does clicking the box 'lock' the thread?
Thanks
V
It actually says
"prevent this page from creating additional dialog pages"
I clicked it on your previous thread and now I can't get that button to work on that thread. ?? ?? ??
Let me research the "lock this topic" box(underneath the reply box and signature box), it appears for me on my moderator log on however I dont know if it appears for you - I will check it out and let you know.
EDIT - No I am the only one that can lock threads, you can't do it, with this software.
Thanks Cadet his means that I can still quote and others can't accidentally post to lock my thread.
V
Cadet could you explain the little click box on the last step of the link icon please?
When it says prevent further posts on the thread, is this on the old or the new thread?
And does clicking the box 'lock' the thread?
Thanks
V
It actually says
"prevent this page from creating additional dialog pages"
I clicked it on your previous thread and now I can't get that button to work on that thread. ?? ?? ??
Let me research the "lock this topic" box(underneath the reply box and signature box), it appears for me on my moderator log on however I dont know if it appears for you - I will check it out and let you know.
EDIT - No I am the only one that can lock threads, you can't do it, with this software.
Thanks Cadet his means that I can still quote and others can't accidentally post to lock my thread.
V
It has nothing to do with quoting it has to do with links and naming that link.
Right now no one can do that on your previous thread, I think.
At least not with the button, you can still enter the html code manually and do it, but the dialog box is disabled.
Cadet could you explain the little click box on the last step of the link icon please?
When it says prevent further posts on the thread, is this on the old or the new thread?
And does clicking the box 'lock' the thread?
Thanks
V
It actually says
"prevent this page from creating additional dialog pages"
I clicked it on your previous thread and now I can't get that button to work on that thread. ?? ?? ??
Let me research the "lock this topic" box(underneath the reply box and signature box), it appears for me on my moderator log on however I dont know if it appears for you - I will check it out and let you know.
EDIT - No I am the only one that can lock threads, you can't do it, with this software.
Thanks Cadet his means that I can still quote and others can't accidentally post to lock my thread.
V
It has nothing to do with quoting it has to do with links and naming that link.
Right now no one can do that on your previous thread, I think.
At least not with the button, you can still enter the html code manually and do it, but the dialog box is disabled.
OK. Can't see the benefit in that choice in many circumstances.
V
OK. Can't see the benefit in that choice in many circumstances.
V
Me neither.
I will go back to ignoring it to be honest.
Hi V.
Just stopping in to say hi and that I'm still reading along. I'm sorry you have so many difficulties to deal with but I'm confident you'll find your way through.
RD might be right about a visit to glam sis though.
Enjoy your GAL
Business discussions with WhyUs
What a business needsSo today I start my fin recovery.
I started a new abuse thread to examine ACES and abuse especially related to Fins, self belief and prosperity consciousness.
effects of abuse on finsV
So my journey to recovery:
Today I will be positive and with energetic direction:
1. Sort and bring the admin on the bank accounts up to date.
2. Create new files for the D fins and begin to gather INTEL on my fins and WH
3. Create files on the new office and flooding. Visit new office and see builder.
4. Finish posting time sheets.
5. Examine prosperity consciousness techniques and see if TED talks exist
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Report back later on. My short term goal is to make sure by Monday the back of this is broken and I can leave WH damage behind.
I will eat well.
V
V, you are so strong. I am cheering you on!
Looks good V. Glad to read that you are moving forward! I will try to catch up--you have been busy lady with all these posts:)
Thank you for your post, I see Avanti, you are doing a V probe on V!!!
Tons of hugs
V
Thank you for yours, tons of hugs right back at you V.
Having watched and read your recent posts, they do seem very encouraging. Being a mirror again for a while, if you were observing someone else doing the same, is there anything else you would suggest they do or think about?
I do not detect anything, however the flurry of new activity can sometimes mask something that really needs attention too and you'd be the one who'd spot that.
This isn't a cold water pouring exercise rather a, are you sure there's nothing you've forgotten or omitted as it can be dealt with later even though it's important? In other words using Stephen Covey 7 Habits of Highly Effective People speak, it's important but not urgent and therefore of the greatest importance.
Just checking in to offer hugs, positive thoughts, prayers and puppy kisses from Molly. You are doing so well and I truly admire you, V. (((V)))
Thank you for your post, I see Avanti, you are doing a V probe on V!!!
Tons of hugs
V
Thank you for yours, tons of hugs right back at you V.
Having watched and read your recent posts, they do seem very encouraging. Being a mirror again for a while, if you were observing someone else doing the same, is there anything else you would suggest they do or think about?
I do not detect anything, however the flurry of new activity can sometimes mask something that really needs attention too and you'd be the one who'd spot that.
This isn't a cold water pouring exercise rather a, are you sure there's nothing you've forgotten or omitted as it can be dealt with later even though it's important? In other words using Stephen Covey 7 Habits of Highly Effective People speak, it's important but not urgent and therefore of the greatest importance.
Avanti
It's eyes down, head straight going for fin stability.WH has not done a good job on the admin. The more I do in many ways the worse it gets. There was so much that could have been done and it went backwards.
It's complex and in such a mess that it's up to me. The good news is where I handed it over it was in good shape. So we have 18 months to revise and correct.
Thank goodness it isn't more years!!
I am going for it.
V
So achievements for today:
I saw the builder and resolved the new build issues
I posted all the time sheets to the end of August
I started the two file sets for D and for the flood
_________________
Major issues with timesheet posting- discovered last September and October time sheets not posted
Many fictitious entries and client postings from earlier periods not completed so much reposting to do.
The master sheets not completed and spreadsheets unlinked, the guide schedule deleted a d this will need to be recreated unless I can find an old version and copy the sheet.
All in all a good effort, 12 hours of posting. Wrists hurt.
Onwards and upwards
V
Looks good V. Glad to read that you are moving forward! I will try to catch up--you have been busy lady with all these posts:)
I was falling behind!!!
V
So my journey to recovery:
Today I will be positive and with energetic direction:
1. Sort and bring the admin on the bank accounts up to date.
2. Create new files for the D fins and begin to gather INTEL on my fins and WH
3. Create files on the new office and flooding. Visit new office and see builder.
4. Finish posting time sheets.
5. Examine prosperity consciousness techniques and see if TED talks exist
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Report back later on. My short term goal is to make sure by Monday the back of this is broken and I can leave WH damage behind.
I will eat well.
V
All done apart from 1 above
Tomorrow
1 Sort and bring admin on bank accounts up to date
2 Post client accounts and reconcile for money lay define
3 Check personal accounts and pay bills
4 Post VAT reg company bank accounts up to date and reconcile to bank statements
5 Reconcile debtors accounts for VAT rev entity and create statements
6 Check email addresses in the debtors ledger and email statements
7. Raise invoices for standing orders paid in VAT reg co
8 Post cash entries in VAT reg Co
9 Post credit cards in VAT rev Co
10. If time post bank statements in sole trade
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Tall order day!
At least I will know who owes me some money tomorrow!
V
Oh and this is posted via my samsung tablet. Whhhhhheeeeee
V
V, I just saw a slideshow online titled "18 very sweary British words you need to use right now" and I am dying of laughter. I want to know if these words are actually used!
Slow down. You're making us look bad. I started invoicing for sept today and got bored so went for walk around grounds instead !!!!! Need to upload intrastat for two clients and go through credit card statement
But tomorrow's another day.
Lying on sofa with D14 watching Jason Bourne do his thing eating crisps and Turkish delight and a smallish glass of vodka and coke. Life's good.
Your a human Dynamo lady V. Take care. Rd xxxx
Jason Bourne do his thing eating crisps and Turkish delight and a smallish glass of vodka and coke.
Which Bourne movie has him doing that? I thought they were all action based? ;-)
Rd, it's important to have human dynamo's like V. otherwise we'd have no reason to feel guilty for kicking back and watching movies.
My type may be hampered by the smlisb glass and perhaps a comma was needed
With lady V this world would be a much worse place. It's hard to imagine her berk of a H wouldn't cherish her instead of the cr@p he pulled. Still leaves the door open for a very lucky man if Vanillia decides that's what she wants.
RD
Just send Liam round tomorrow!
With a decent large glass of vino, a cheese board and a sassy walk.
V
I'll have a word but I'm not sure he's good enough for you He's quite cranky once you get to know him and he smells funky too. !!!!!!
Perhaps a comma or more Vodka, who knows. I do, both! :-)
Yep, there's a very lucky man out there, he doesn't know it yet but when the door opens and it will because they will both be ready, they are going to make one heck of a couple.
Taken your advice Avanti. Oh , forgot the comma !!!!
Photo
Try
knocking shop for brothel
Piss artist for drunkard
Purple trouser snake for you guessed it right
Point percy at the porcelain for peeing if you are a guy
Snot bucket for scum bag OM or OW
Rumbling or rude smell for fart
Old fart for grumpy male over aged 70
Grapes for haemorrhoids
Bubbling for getting ready to pooh
Full to the bum for eaten too much
Go roar with laughter
V
You guys make me smile RD and Avanti
Try a slow (sloe) gin
Yipes a thread party......
Welcome to the kindergarten crew Avanti and photo
Haven't said this in a while Mooooooooose
V
Photo
Try
knocking shop for brothel
Piss artist for drunkard
Purple trouser snake for you guessed it right
Point percy at the porcelain for peeing if you are a guy
Snot bucket for scum bag OM or OW
Rumbling or rude smell for fart
Old fart for grumpy male over aged 70
Grapes for haemorrhoids
Bubbling for getting ready to pooh
Full to the bum for eaten too much
Go roar with laughter
V
Gee V I am from the UK and I only know a few of theese lol
Sometimes words do get distorted with our friends from across the pond :o)
When I was on a trip and in Manchester once, a guy I was chatting with occasionally said "just going to turn me bike round", which I thought was odd because he arrived in a car but it was his way of saying he needed the rest room.
I have decided to be debt free (and WH) free in 3 months, this will enable me to be stable and able to be free to grow and develop.
This will leave me capable of being able to give more to those I love and let go completely of any resentment of WH abuse and the damage he has done.
I can choose to put this struggle to one side and enjoy the challenge of that which I do. I enjoy my work, my career. It is easy when I can concentrate on it.
It is possible to enjoy the challenge of bringing this back to steady, and see the improvement. This is something my higher power can take away the struggle and replace with joy of achievement.
I can change this if I want to, it isn't going to be a long term issue. There can be exciting success to come. I can free my life for health and love. I can have the PMA if I want to change my life from my physiology upwards.
The pain and distress can be my authenticity to offer to the world. Pain is life and it can be freeing if I chose to let it. I no longer wish to resist, this is the way it is. I believe in facing the pain and walking into it.
I have wallowed in misery and it is self indulgent. This is one of my challenges, the blame is stopping me moving forward as in reality it is of no relevance. It is necessary until this is reversed and my life becomes good. Without the struggle there will be more time for the gift of the giving of love and release. Time for aged pa, glam sis, fav cousin, clever nephew, orange wed friend, here, gammon and for health. Time to project rainbow strength.
This will be my story.
I need you guys to keep me in check and those 2x4s!
V
Spent the weekend on the fins, did not go out of the door since Thursday. Still much to do, a great deal before I can invoice. Very little matches and much misposting. I could scream with horror at the jumble of rubbish.
It's like trying to unravel a nest of knitting.
Eyes down and beavering away to try to resolve it. I absolutely will do it.
It's urgent.
Headache tonight.
V
Tackling the sole trade next.
I have completed my first two task lists
Next
1. Post sole trader bank accounts
2. Reconcile debtors ledger in sole trade
3. Create statements
4. Post September time sheets to work log
5. Create first invoices and send
_____________________
In addition to my existing goals this weekend I have posted all my own bank accounts and credit cards to date. I have matched all purchase invoices to statements on all accounts. Crated new filing system.
Sorted bank log ons and resolved some minor issues.
I want this at the back of me so I no longer need to see WH stupid notes and idiotic spreadsheets.
This has to go behind me, doin this work is stressful and creates distress. The waste, the damage, the stupidity.
I will repair it.
V
Untangling spaghetti isn't fun or easy.
You are taking breaks, other than to post on here, aren't you? Maybe a walk around the block is a good idea, some fresh air and a change of scenery is a good idea? Keeping your head so buried could lead to you making mistakes and that'll really frustrate you!
Yes, it's important, yes it's urgent a few tens of minutes away from it won't make the difference and may help to clear that headache of yours.
V. Is always telling us to look after ourselves, what would she say if she read a post like yours?
Hi. Vanillia. You make me tired just reading about the amount of work you're getting through. As Avanti says , you need to take breaks for health and concentration.
Your post was very positive and great to read
Take care Rd xx
Those funnies... Bwwwhhhhaaaa read quite a few before, and used some as well.
Big day and weekend still not finished but boy sore foot has put a damper on today's plans.
Well today is Monday 12 October 2015. Today is my wedding anniversary, 2 years.
Tomorrow is the start of a new year. Midnight brings a new year, D is filed, freedom calls.
Dearest Dawn, my role model- where would I be with you?
My class of 2014- Sotto, Jim, RD (bruv) and my beloved GG whose encouraging posts carried me through tough times, others who are part of the kindergarten crew, Edz (hope you are doing well in piecing), OD, Karma, Jellyb, Susannah, Gan ( intrepid explorer) and everyone who is moving on in one way and another. Sunny, Maybell
To Zelda, Mustardseed, Schermann and other abused supporters who have helped me grow through sharing great pain. All of you show great strength and courage. Diana with her extra health issues.
The newbies and not so newbies, who listen to me rant, pontificate and nerd, Avanti, Azz, As, Anc, (all the As.....
If I haven't covered the Bs onwards at some stage I will, I include Photo, overcom, ep, ..............
For all the lovely guys on the board who show how wonderful it is to be dads, men, sons, and loving standees and who have grown and grown despite their difficult sitches, Joe, U (I love that name), Mutatio (adore your choices of handles and thread names), NH, PP, Fogg.........
Thanks to the vets, Sandi, My beloved Wonka, and of course Cadet
Also to WhyUs for the inspiration on the Fins and for sharing a business thread.
For those still struggling take great comfort from knowing that even those of us who came disintegrated, almost destroyed in every way, wanting to be gone from this world, in deep do-do, fin broke, disintegrated can start to heal and shift. This is our journey our story to health and prosperity.
Raise a toast to a prosperous future at midnight UK time, for those out there on a different time frame that is exactly 9 hours from now.
I shall project rainbows at that time, get ready a new day dawns tomorrow.
V
V, I will be toasting you tonight! You have helped me more than you will ever know. You are an amazing woman and I am watching for those rainbows!
Cheers, V! I love to hear of the momentum and energy in your week. Keep it up, you can do this!
I will post on my thread. Hope your dog days are almost over. You've wirkedvwry hard to get here.
V, once again, you've inspired me! You are such a treasure. Thank you so very much for pointing me in the direction of awareness and growth. I shattered again over the weekend, but feel myself knitting back together stronger than ever.
I'm taking the time you suggested to let myself just feel it all, process, and learn. Your guidance and caring have been invaluable.
Only 10 minutes.
Please have your glasses ready to toast
Happy new year!
V
Happy New Year to you, too, V! I can't think of anyone who deserves it more. Thank for your ever-so-kind and humbling words a few posts back about my being a role model. I think of you as my role model. You are a strong, independent, fierce lady.
Best wishes on this "new year" and new life you have ahead of you. The journey will be grand.
Hi Vanillia. I missed the party but happy new year. Your a wonderful person and deserve for all your wishes to come through.
Lots of love. Rd. xxxx
Happy New Year to you V.
This weekend was also an anniversary for me. 2 years since BD. Columbus Day Weekend here in the states. My kids keep reminding me what a terrible man that Christopher Columbus was. I guess it is fitting that my BD happened on the day that honors an abusive, lying, cheating, greedy man. But we get a three day weekend out of it, so there you go. I enjoyed my third day immensely, this year.
But there are better things to come. And as frustrating as it is to unravel a nest of tangled wool, it is also extremely satisfying as each knot gets free. You are doing the work you need to do, V. You are amazing to me!
Happy New Year!!
Hell of a party V. thank you for throwing it.
I don't remember any of it but as is the case for any good party, if I don't remember it I must have had a really good time.
Do you have any good tips for dealing with a hangover?
Happy New Year to you V! I hope you are enjoying your freedom and having coffee with handsome strangers.
Happy New Year to you, as well! I'm sending wishes for great things for you this year.
Cheers
Anc, Photo, RD, Msd, Z, Avanti, Dawn for all your wonderful support.
Today my meeting was cancelled so I have gained a day toout accounts.
I am making today a duvet day with the TV and paperwork.
Let's see how much I can get done. An extra day towards my goal is really good.
Breathe V, breathe.
Go for it girl, get going.
My new power words are go girl, ras song by pitbull. I use this as my ringtone.
V
Hi Vanillia. Pitbull as your ring tone !!! You Da Bomb Diggerty !!!!
Take care. Rd. xx
Hi V
Thanks for thinking of me (amongst many others) the other day on your momentous anniversary.
I haven't been around for a while. Trying to get on, and not doing too badly.
Planning on going to Ceroc at Camber shortly. Are you?
Much love
OD xx
Yes, I am planning Camber....
V
I am struggling again.
My body is fighting me, it is headache, purging and I am very achy. I am physically afraid and exhausted as a result of the issues I have found, some very damaging indeed. I am very anxious and stressed the last two days. Perhaps the resistance is because I would rather not do this, I would rather it went away altogether. I am going to keep on until this is done.
I think my blood sugar is out of order, there is fog, horrors and nasal issues. Not good. Resistance, perhaps if I resolve this I can move on. What will I find at the end of this? Is my business viable? Have I allowed issues with WH to disguise an unpleasant truth?
Yes, I am afraid and that is causing me stress. Whatever. The past has to be resolved no matter, clients invoiced for past work. Then we will see.
Yesterday I achieved only a small amount of work. I tackled some of the worst reconciliation issues in the sole trade and some transactions took a very long time.
Today I reached May 2015 WH left 2 May 2015 and I started managing the transactions and it's much easier the transactions are cleaner and there are fewer problems.
So today I am pushing on with it, I have decided this week until Sunday then I have to go back to normal:
I will with energy concentration and joy:
1. Finish posting the sole trade
2. Reconcile the sole trade debtors ledgers
3. Raise standing order invoices
4. Post cash transactions
5. New bank statements that have come in this month to post
6. Start the current VAT return
7. Reconcile and agree the VAT ledgers in the VAT reg company
All of that today.
V
You forgot point 8. Take regular breaks to have some fun and nourish myself.
Reconciliation - The nightmare of all bookkeepers and accountants that procrastinate or do shoddy work. It is much easier to fix when you are the one who messed up. At least you would have a better idea of what you did.
I feel for you V. Glad you were able to take care of some of the difficult ones. I always save those for last when I try and reconcile.
Regarding blood sugar--do you have a monitor that you are using? You said "I think my blood sugar is out of order." You should know for sure if you are having blood sugar problems.
V hope you get feeling better. Have been thinking about you lately! Small steps! That is what you always tell me! Have a great weekend!
V I hope you are feeling better too. Tomorrow is Friday! Get some rest
That's quite a workload V, remember to take time to recharge and take care of yourself. Hope you're feeling better.
Hi Vanillia. Be good to have all that out of the way. Health is raising its head again. This needs to be put to the forefront. To me it seems stress is a huge factor and with Glam Sis and the company , it's little wonder.
Viable business is a bit of a tricky one , any business can be viable and unless you are in serious debt then with the new customers and the company being ran as it should ( NO H) it can be made viable.
On the glam sis , how is she doing ?
Vanillia , you have spoken of abuse I/C and cost ,can I respectfully suggest a normal I /C or L/C becaus you seem to be dealing with a huge amount and no one can deal with that much stress without a release valve of some sort.
Take extra care Rd. xx
V I so admire your fortitude and it's wonderful that it sounds like the light at the end of the tunnel is getting brighter. Don't let it drain you completely though. I know you're much to sensible to let that happen but I just want to throw that out there. You are an inspiration.
OD xx
I am struggling again.
My body is fighting me, it is headache, purging and I am very achy. I am physically afraid and exhausted as a result of the issues I have found, some very damaging indeed. I am very anxious and stressed the last two days. Perhaps the resistance is because I would rather not do this, I would rather it went away altogether. I am going to keep on until this is done.
I think my blood sugar is out of order, there is fog, horrors and nasal issues. Not good. Resistance, perhaps if I resolve this I can move on. What will I find at the end of this? Is my business viable? Have I allowed issues with WH to disguise an unpleasant truth?
Yes, I am afraid and that is causing me stress. Whatever. The past has to be resolved no matter, clients invoiced for past work. Then we will see.
Yesterday I achieved only a small amount of work. I tackled some of the worst reconciliation issues in the sole trade and some transactions took a very long time.
Today I reached May 2015 WH left 2 May 2015 and I started managing the transactions and it's much easier the transactions are cleaner and there are fewer problems.
So today I am pushing on with it, I have decided this week until Sunday then I have to go back to normal:
I will with energy concentration and joy:
1. Finish posting the sole trade
2. Reconcile the sole trade debtors ledgers
3. Raise standing order invoices
4. Post cash transactions
5. New bank statements that have come in this month to post
6. Start the current VAT return
7. Reconcile and agree the VAT ledgers in the VAT reg company
All of that today.
V
Thanks all, I am still doing no 2 haven't stopped. I have discovered a number of things in doing it. WH was borrowing cash from the business and then repaying it. As for lending cash to the business, he was taking it from my personal accounts to do that and then repaying himself from it.
Turns out he has never paid an equal share on expenses either!
I have until Sunday afternoon to get this under control then real life starts. I am hot housing the work and am getting very tired working into the night.
All the ranting and obnoxious behaviour was to disguise his actions.
With this kind of behaviour I got confused and left it alone.
I will now tread this inter relationship with stbxwh like a business R and be very clear on my actions.
Onwards until this is done. I am not stopping, usually I get 80% done then say another time, because I can and do finish. Not this time because I sense that is the 20% that will get me my results with my fins.
Gives me a clean start, I can pack away everything to do with WH and if any questions are asked then I will understand the sitch.
I have one important job to do for clients that I must not forget. The deadline is midnight on the 19the, and there will be fines if I don't so I will have to go to the office to do it. Won't take 20 mins but going out may do me good.
Last time I went out was Thursday lunchtime, had chiropody and diabetes check.
Onwards
V
Avanti, WhyUs, Fogg thank you for dropping by.
Yes I do forget rest and I am pushing forwards as much as I can. There will be time for rest when this is over.
I am eating well, and little exercise and of course posting is limited here. This needs completing.
Ep, I saw Sunny was helping you and she is so great at kids stuff that I felt she would be better at your email. Fantastic example of enforcing your boundaries. Great development so proud of you.
RD, yes my lovely bruv, another couple of days and I will be free of this chore and all will be to my standard.
WhyUs, the work done by WH is so poor and I cease to wonder at it as once the effects are gone then some damage may persist but it will be trivial in comparison.
I have piles of scrappy hand written notes and the accounting daily log to decipher and that is best done when I am in the middle of this. Some of it will not be relevant but there may still be journals and resolutions to be done.
I am traditional I have a debtors log, creditors log and banking log. The banking log is the one that most concerns me.
It has been months and I haven't yet invoiced because
1. I don't know the debtors position
2. The time sheets weren't posted or reconciled
3. I was so confused about work done other than my own
It is coming back under control again, this is the last phase, I want it completed so I can move on quickly. It's time.
V
RD
I speak to glam sis every day and she is getting better, she is bored at home and has arranged endless streams of visitors. She wishes she could help out and I actually sense this is a job for me alone at this stage as it involves so much cross thinking to resolve issues.
I am eating well, and I am sad about lack of exercise.
It's only once this needs to be done, it feels like an enormous waste of time and there is nothing that I can do for the past. Just keeping moving on.
RD I will start IC when I am solvent, currently I am living on credit cards and scraps of cash. I have cut my expenses to the bone. I spend only on essentials, like food.
Must press on.
V
V. if I may, you sound a little obsessed. Are you prone to feeling like you aren't whole unless you get certain tasks done and absolutely perfect?
Being blunt, you've set deadlines before and missed them as the work was greater than you thought, this could still be the case and you don't seem to have accepted that.
There are things that do have absolute deadlines for that must be done, which is great. You are seemingly then focussing on the important but not urgent stuff which is great BUT if the machine is starved of fuel or isn't maintained, it will break or it's performance be severely impacted.
A question for you, if you slackened off slightly on the timelines for some of the important but not urgent stuff, would that give you some time to sharpen your axe?
A few hours in the grand scheme of things wouldn't matter that much to the stuff that needs doing. The time used wisely would repair and replenish and probably shortened the duration of activity for a given task because you are working at peak performance more often.
Avanti
Yes I am obsessed. Driven even to get this done and over.
Just watch what that drive will do when I apply myself.
Yes it matters very much because I can't invoice, I thought WH had taken client funds as it turns out there was weird stuff but no direct taking of funds. He basically lived off me. I am absolutely sure. I was very worried about invoicing clients or chasing for debts as I felt that cash might have been taken but that's not the case, thank goodness. I do not trust WH at all, neither his work quality, attitude or honesty. I am having to protect myself.
Yes, the work load is greater than I thought, hey I am an optimist that's what cups half full people do.
They believe everything will be OK.
I am not a perfectionist, just a pragmatist. I get one shot at this, if I get it on point, this is my future staring back.
All the ammo on my D fins, form E has to be filed. In a week or so and I will be ready.
This is work that had to be done. I am doing it and it's going to be OK. I know this because I now have knowledge about WH that no spouse should have. If he has secrets left on his fins then they are very deeply buried.
This WH has taken advantage of me in every way. I have the proof. Far from WH subsidising me and the business the truth is the exact opposite. WH has had a funfair ride at my expense.
Well this is the end of that ride and I can provide the evidence: analysis, bank statements.
I will use to defend myself with my perspex shield against the spew and rants that may come.
I only have the Limited Company left to do and that I really hope will be easier. It is reconciled by my no 2 often, so I hope the basics are done.
3 o'clock and I have completed the sole trade and all my personals.
I feel really pleased.
V
Hi V
I was just checking in after another week away and your post popped up.
It sounds as though there is a little glimmer of a light at the end of the tunnel. I hope this is the case and the light keeps getting brighter.
I think of you often and hope you are doing well. (I wish I had your business knowledge to help me dig myself out of my).
Cheers V!!
So great to hear that you're almost at the end dear V! Your WH is not going to know what hit him. Hopefully this means he'll be out of your life for good.
Please keep taking care of yourself and resting when you need to. This is a large load to bare for anyone, rest and self care will remain a big part of your future climb back up.
Big hugs to you,
PP
Avanti
Yes I am obsessed. Driven even to get this done and over.
Just watch what that drive will do when I apply myself.
Yes it matters very much because I can't invoice, I thought WH had taken client funds as it turns out there was weird stuff but no direct taking of funds. He basically lived off me. I am absolutely sure. I was very worried about invoicing clients or chasing for debts as I felt that cash might have been taken but that's not the case, thank goodness. I do not trust WH at all, neither his work quality, attitude or honesty. I am having to protect myself.
Yes, the work load is greater than I thought, hey I am an optimist that's what cups half full people do.
They believe everything will be OK.
I am not a perfectionist, just a pragmatist. I get one shot at this, if I get it on point, this is my future staring back.
All the ammo on my D fins, form E has to be filed. In a week or so and I will be ready.
This is work that had to be done. I am doing it and it's going to be OK. I know this because I now have knowledge about WH that no spouse should have. If he has secrets left on his fins then they are very deeply buried.
This WH has taken advantage of me in every way. I have the proof. Far from WH subsidising me and the business the truth is the exact opposite. WH has had a funfair ride at my expense.
Well this is the end of that ride and I can provide the evidence: analysis, bank statements.
I will use to defend myself with my perspex shield against the spew and rants that may come.
I only have the Limited Company left to do and that I really hope will be easier. It is reconciled by my no 2 often, so I hope the basics are done.
3 o'clock and I have completed the sole trade and all my personals.
I feel really pleased.
V
It is great to know that you are making such among progress.
You reacted to the obsessed word, yet omitted anything to do with taking care of the engine. You say it was 3am when you finished for the day and I bet it wasn't a late start, that in itself Isn't good and anyone else posting such things would get a healthy dose of V. suggesting they take just a little bit longer to do things, not weeks or months, a few hours. Your rationale being it is a marathon not a sprint and that taking care of the whole, outweighs everything else.
Engines sound great (even those in white vans) up to the minute any lack of periodic maintenance suddenly causes a failure that can't be repaired by the roadside.
Take care of V. first and life will take care of the rest, your almost unbounded paying forward will ensure that happens.
Hi V
Thought I would drop in and check up on you
you're seem to be getting closer to the light
I think about my friends on here and this makes me feel a sence of warmth and strength
Look after yourself
Take care
Ghost
Avanti, thank you for the feedback and the velvet coated 2x4s, of course you are right.
I think the field I am in leads to this dedication (I prefer that to obsession) the reason being that once it's done I will move on. Plus in February next year I have a support person who is free to join me in the business.
She is semi retired and will be taking on the payrolls which is a big issue. She takes this on in November and that will be great for me. She will work remotely and retires completely in January hence the delay. We have worked together in the past and it has gone very well.
I also need another admin assistant for scanning and organising. We have someone in mind, I am just waiting to hear if she wants to join us.
All I need is the cash to pay for it.
Hence the urgent need to invoice.
Onwards and upwards!
The ship is a battleship and it is slowly turning, it's all hands in the engine room and I need to be on the bridge. I am the captain so I need to lead once the engine is repaired.
V
Thanks for dropping by Ghost.
I spent this morning on household chores, I even slept in until 8 30 am, and now I need food.
I am not hungry.
If I can later on I may go to the Sauna and have a swim, may book a massage, if I can find the cash.
My orange wed friend has booked us a matinee to see the stage show gypsy which I uneed stand is wonderful. I am excited already.
V
U you know what the say, the light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train!
Hmm mm
PP I do hope this is the end of it, onwards.
V
V, I found a new perfume yesterday that is going to be my new "signature scent." I usually don't like perfume, but this one I absolutely love and cannot stop sniffing. It is called "Pure Vanilla" by Lavanillan and the name itself is a tip off to how awesome it is! It actually doesn't smell like vanilla, which would make me hungry and I prefer not to smell like food.
Someone (i think Sunny said my thread series vanilla fudged made her hungry)
If your name is Photo, please make sure you have swallowed your T. This is another P post!
Must check out the scent, the reason I am Vanilla, is because a small percentage of the population produce an odour of Vanilla when they exercise. I am out of those. Its a genetic mutation linked to familial diabetes, linked to a hormone called androsterone, the female version is no-androsterone, the male version makes one smell like P.
Said to be attractive to Mosquitos!
Marilyn Monroe is said to be another........
V
Marilyn Monroe and Vanilla....oh my!
Have you had a chance to get some rest lady V? You were pushing so hard just a week or so ago.
I certainly hope your health is on the up and up.
Big hug,
PP
Of course there is a very strong resemblance!
If Marilyn were 62.....
Hmmmmm
Yes PP, strangely the hard work was energizing.
V
Marilyn at 62 , yep sounds good to me !!!!! And smelling of Vanillia !!!!!!
Take care Rd. xxxx
Hello V,
It sounds that V has total control of her own life indeed. It is a bit unfair and for sure it hurt, but in the end what counts is that V has an amazing respect for herself and is in charge of her own destiny.
Your XH had his days of glory taking advantage of your trust and love, but that is gone and he will need to face his own choices in life. Even if he is in total denial right now, time will catch up with him and he will finally see his wrong doings. Everyone gets there.
I am so proud of you. It's hard work to clean the house, but it is very gratifying to have it done by yourself. Soon you will find yourself in a more peaceful place. You have been such a fighter throughout of this all, and you have done it with so much class and respect. I really admire you. Makes me always believe I can do my best too.
V, You always makes me laugh with some of your silly posts, I love your sense of humor. Wish one day we could sit down all together and just have a good time laughing, even if it is to laugh at our own disgraces, it would be a blast.
Love and hugs to you...(((((((((V))))))))))
Pink
Pink
Love you to bits.
Your thread has locked, and I have something to say.
XWH has probably been dumped by TauC, he wants you as plan b, until he is all back in and is prepared to repair his M, it's all smoke and mirrors. Next week it could be different.
He sacked you as his W, said he was going abroad leaving everything. Expected a new life, reality hasn't dawned yet.
Change the locks, why should he behave as if he still lives in your home. You have a very small window to get the message across, I am moving on WH. Let me live my life free of interference.
I say this to RD, you need your privacy, let WH face his demons. As you can see in some sitches this is best of all. Get yourself to where you want to go.
V
That's what we should hold out for, huh? All-in, remorseful, willing to do
anything: without that, there isn't really much chance of a solid R. It would be a matter of time until the entire thing blew up again.
I am learning, Ms Wise One.
V, I have a question. Since H hates me so much, do you think he's really going to care when I start making plans for life without him? I get the feeling I disgust him, and he wants me gone.
That's what we should hold out for, huh? All-in, remorseful, willing to do
anything: without that, there isn't really much chance of a solid R. It would be a matter of time until the entire thing blew up again.
I am learning, Ms Wise One.
You got it.
Now for your quick, I will do my best to put my thoughts clearly.
However Anc, you are mind reading WH feelings as disgust. None of us has a clue, I personally tend to the view he is struggling to get control back, although none of us can be sure. The fear here may be loss of esteem in others eyes. There is usually a fear somewhere along the way.
It really doesn't matter very much why. It could be because he prefers to eat spinach, his toe hurts, or he fancies having a wild time. What WH thinks of you is his business, none of your concern, what you think of you is more valid.
The important thing is you, getting you back to the best you can be. If you decide you want an R with your WH then it can be from a very healthy standpoint. Personally I want to see you strong and fully healed and there is a long period in which you have been run down physically and mentally.
Your WH hasn't even got to any type of realisation phase, he is still crowing his apparent victory over his W.
In my view you can enjoy a healthy recovery period involving 100% NC for a very long time. My big concern is that as in Mustardseed case, you get angry, enforce boundaries, and end up isolated and with a non molestation order of some kind.
That is why I recommend you get away as soon as you can, it is best not to be triggered again. Be safe.
Is there anywhere safe you can go? Visit a friend or relative in the country or city? Hire a small room somewhere that you can get peace for a while.
NC means for a long time, in my case my physiology is taking 6 months to settle down and I am 6 months of pitch black NC. Blocking calls, texts, emails and contact is only through L.
Record all interactions if you can. Watch out, tactics by WH have worked so far, he struts enough. When that stops, beware, another tactic may be going on and it likely isn't in your interest. Has this WH got your best interest at heart, has he behaved lovingly, kindly and with care towards you?
That's rhetorical, and being such a softie myself, I tend to impute the best motives, this may be very difficult in your case. With Msd, I was hesitant and my warning wasn't clear enough to her, wasn't written in strong enough language. GG, was my saviour on this and called it, she said " you are being abused V, and Wonka told me to be safe. I listened, when @H left on 2 May. I decided he should not come back, I wavered several times but GG and Edz and Sotto kept me strong. Dawn was my guiding light, my beacon, and fortunately even though WH kept showing up, I stayed NC. It was very hard.
I can not say this enough my lovely, you are no longer alone oK? There are tough days ahead, but keep posting and the lovely folks here will keep on offering you their support.
As you are now spellbropen, you will also be a spellbreaker too. You will spot this in others sitches, just as Msd did in yours. You can now not unknow. As you are spellbropen, others who really care about you will come forward and disclose, they are safe to do so as you are now listening and no longer enthralled. Things may be disclosed that horrify you, in my case gambling debts, Many other women throughout our R, visiting dating websites, WH saying he would be better off if I were dead. Saying I was ugly and a dog, like many women on dating websites. That wasn't disgust but it is disgusting.
Msd, Z (although she is having a break from the board) Greengrass and myself are further along the road to recovery. Some of WH behaviour will baffle you. Ignore any advice which suggests you forget odd behaviour, mind reading is out and take the most protective stance for you that you can.
Please Google the grey rock technique, your aim is to be as bland and inoffensive as possible. As blah as you can. I went further than that and I did breeze block. I put up a grey conreate wall and hid behind it. I dress as ugly as I can, appear as blah as I can sometimes in case I run into someone who knows him. If asked I say I am doing OK, I talk about the garden, weeding, some boring TV show or the effects of the weather. I talk about my white van a lot. Incidentally a small van is a great idea in this sitch. It's so bland and blah, and cheap to run. Get a good L and hold your cards very close to your chest.
My favourite resource website at the stage you are at was healing hurt, it's a practical UK based charity website.
I am hereally for you, I am sending you every ounce of my rainbow strength. Whatever you decide, it's always your choice. Heal from the physiology up, take extreme self care with your health and this is the long haul.
Peace and big big hugs
V
Question not quick! Where did that come from. Should be hidden hurt, grits teeth and growls, hitting head against concrete blocks.
://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk
Add http
The spellbropen is deliberate misspelling, my attempt at humour huh
V
My fave line is to disagree to things someone says without being major blunt.
Is
I can see how you think that but I however think differently. Thanks wonka, for that golden Jem
End conversation.
Yes,
Wonkas a gem!
Haven't seem her around much.
Couple of sitches I need to catch up on too. Defecto and Heavy. Where is gan?
Also haven't tormented a newbie for a little while.
Hmm mm mm, slacker V
V
My fave line is to disagree to things someone says without being major blunt.
Is
I can see how you think that but I however think differently. Thanks wonka, for that golden Jem.
Wonky is a gem that's for sure, I do however see the statement as majorly blunt, it's I saying "I see how you think and it wrong"; the "but" is the operative word that says everything before this, you disagree with.
Maybe a better way, if we are truly practising validation and prevalidation is to say something more along the lines of "what you say makes sense, can you help me understand that sense as I'm not getting it just yet and I'd like to?"
Avanti, yes that's true but with an abuser spouse, saying "I do not agree" is boundary enforcement.
That changes when your R is with a different type.
With anyone who bullies to say that one hears and then boundary enforce is the very best response. No validation of an abuser is going to help unless qualified. The idea is to close down the opening to rant or abuse. In most sitches the idea is to open up the connection not close it down. This isn't the case with an abuser.
Prevalidation is out of the question, it creates an opening for an abuser to abuse. Just to explain, prevalidation is a small observation or testing of the certainty of a view prior to validation. It can be an opening question or statement "tell me"; " I don't understand" or " I am processing this, I would like to know*. With an abuser, really their answer will just invalidate or abuse you.
For instance, my WH starts with "you never buy the food I like". With a WAW you might say "what food would you like?" And then you get a list of foods that aren't in the shopping (prevalidation), so you say "thank you for clarifying, I see your point, We include these on the list in future. If I give you our on line shopping list will you review?".
With an abuser you get "so stupid, if you loved me you'd know what I like". Then the rant is off and running. Plus whatever you put on the list to please them, the rule changes. Hence the A P P L E juice rant discussed on my thread. V you buy the 'wrong' bacon.
Prevalidation opens abuse.
It is important to prevalidate in most sitches, sadly not abusive or irrational ones.
V
You are right V. there are different approaches for particular sitch's, certainly those as extreme as the ones featuring abuse.
All ok Vanilia ? You've been a bit quite Hope books as upto date a the company can become profitable again
Please post often and take care. Rd xx
V I hope your keeping well my friend just thought I would look in on you
Hugs
Ghost
V - thanks so much for taking the time to spell things out a bit, for me. I'm doing a really great job of focusing on me, staying out of H' s way, and not calling attention to myself.
I'm kind of stuck for now, but hope that situation changes soon. I'm feeling really uneasy for some reason. Sticking close to my kids. The minute I can, I'm out of here. This situation feels like a pressure-cooker. L visit Monday at 10. Not speaking to H, so no reason for him to find out.
You are right V. there are different approaches for particular sitch's, certainly those as extreme as the ones featuring abuse.
There is some interesting thoughts on Fogg thread about applying the one coat fits all philosophy in the last day or so.
Fogg has some great views and insights.
V
Hi V! ((((V))))
I am just now catching up on posts from the past couple of weeks and some of yours are starting to sound like the V I know and love. I'm SO proud of you and your efforts to get your life back in order, take control and move ahead guiding your own ship.
You are one amazing, fierce lady and oddly enough, I always picture you a little Marilyn Monroe-esque, so your post a few days back about her being one of those vanilla people, well, that just made me smile.
Keep on keepin' on V. Much love and respect from me and the Molly dog.
All ok Vanilia ? You've been a bit quite Hope books as upto date a the company can become profitable again
Please post often and take care. Rd xx
A little noisy on others threads!
Both Ep and Anc have had some developments in their sitch, Gr8 has also been thoughtful.
And a shift for Ghost too, V had a realisation (duh) the answer to my conundrums was there all along in your handle, the ghost of the man you once were. I amoung others was encouraging you to look ahead, and look inside presently, when your strength is in the old Ghost! I apologise I could have been more on point earlier.
V
Dawn,
You say the most encouraging things.
I confess there is a little of the MM in me, at least when I was younger and much slimmer. It used to be commented on a great deal. Except I am a natural blonde. My first WH1 had a photo taken of me in the classic MM pose. I had this redone 30 years later at 58. Need to think about this every 10 years!
Never did anything with it, as I wanted to be me. It's also ironic that my real world name is very similar to hers. I won't say if that's her real name or stage name for privacy purposes. It has caused issues over the years.
My body is currently hanging on to its extra weight I think as a protection from this. If I am honest since the extra extreme care I am starting to look younger.
From today, I am opening my schedule to more GAL, I was supposed to go away on Wednesday but I have decided my fins come first. I will do extra GAL.
Wonderful brave Dawn, you are one of inspirations.
V
Anc
Take great care. Very great care, they say the damage is in the eyes and shark eyes show intent.
If you need me and I haven't posted, I have an alert on my thread, I wrote a small program for it, so just post here and I can come over to your place and post.
V
V, just wanted to thank you and say what a great help you are to everyone on the board. It inspires me to help those on this path more also.
Glad your GAL is picking up, I'm still a bit behind and my time is severely limited with work and kids. I'm find myself needing to prioritize my time in a way I never had before and I still waste much time doing not much at all. That is shifting slowly
The story about where name vanilla comes from has come into my thoughts a few times over the last few days. Its something I've never heard of before.
I'm find myself needing to prioritize my time in a way I never had before and I still waste much time doing not much at all. That is shifting slowly
Fogg, it is easy to mistakenly see, using the benefit hindsight, letting things be for a while as wasting time. Don't be hard on yourself, you did the right thing at the time, now things are changing and so will your priorities and use of time.
Please start a new thread.