1st thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...583#Post25745832nd thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...411#Post25894113rd thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...090#Post2612090So would him spending time with his kids on Saturday being seen has an action, instead of him going away with all his friends (and possibly OW)on the Friday night? I feel I'm borderline being autistic!
I guess he didn't want to be seen as a bad dad, who puts his life before he did!
I have been reading my posts lately and there is a lot of anger there, so I guess I reach the angry stage
I'm scared of letting go as I'm afraid of being on my own for the rest of my life. I know it's stupid as I have noticed how I am being looked at, but I guess I'm just scared about the unknown.
Don't think H cares about much apart himself. In 2 weeks time it's our youngest birthday, usually we share the cost of her party, he hasn't asked if there would be one, but as he's going to have her on her birthday it might doesn't matter to him.
How long does the anger stage lasts for?
I feel for you Rouky. It is so hard to let go. Part of the DB program is to do just that. Your husband needs to feel that you have let go in order to process his emotions of living without you. I was never able to do that with my W. Someone else calls it dropping the rope.
The prospect of starting over is very frightening. We can take this chance though and recognize exactly what we are looking for in a mate. I know that I will seek someone much different than my W next time. We just have to be patient and do what is best for ourselves and our children and everything else will sort itself out.
Thank you for your encouraging words Shotgun, that's what I needed to hear today. Not so easy to detach!
H turned up again early tonight, even took the dog for a walk while I ate my tea, then did a couple of other things that he'd not normally do! I thanked him for his help with dog and kids. I carried on doing what I had planned to do regardless of him being there or not! Not much conversation at all, but I did recognise his effort by saying thank you!
Not taking anything for granted as I'm suspicious that he could have an agenda (ie Christmas). Youngest daughter's birthday is in 2 weeks, booked a party for her but no invite for H. He is going to have her on her actual birthday, so booked the party the next day (as I didn't want him to complain saying that I didn't let him have quality time with daughter on her birthday!)
I have no problem if daughter wants to invite her dad, but I'll not ask him to come for her party. He lost that right to be part of this family when he decided to drop his pants in someone else's house! :-)
Just an update. Once more H came earlier, offered and took the dog for a walk. I offered him to stay for tea, he declined it, and I was fine with it. Strange as we all sat down to play a family game ( can't remember the last time this ever happened!). It was cheerful, kids were both exited to have all of us playing together! I felt H was grumpy and I hardly looked at him.
I felt a storm of panick when he left as it wasn't the way where he is staying at the moment. I remembered his housemate telling me a month ago that my H was hardly at his place in the evening! I had to concentrate really hard to tell myself that if he is back with OW it's out of my control and that anyway my M is over. Saying that it didn't hurt and that I wasn't sad would be lying!
I'm fine and hardly think about sitch when I don't see H, but it's when I know that he'll come to see kids that I get all worked up! Any advice to help me on this!
I'm scared of letting go as I'm afraid of being on my own for the rest of my life. I know it's stupid as I have noticed how I am being looked at, but I guess I'm just scared about the unknown.
The unknown is scary. But thats OK.
Theres no need to look so far into the future. Keep your focus focused on the present, and youll be OK.
Dilemma and could do with some help. If I understand well, letting go is not carrying about what H does, with whom he is, moving on as he is no longer I. My life. Now in two weeks, it's my youngest birthday (he will have on her actually birthday) and I have organised her party the following day. I'm thinking that I don't need to invite H to girls' birthday party b/c he would have spent the day before the party.
Sorry, just ignore my request as just answered my question myself: H will have daughtet on her actual birthday so he doesn't need to be present for her party with her friends!
Just had a think about the whole situation: at the moment I'm trying to stay friendly for the kids and b/c I'm still in the house, but once it's sold I won't need to stay friend with him, so I might as well start doing it now!
Got praised today by colleagues who told me how strong they think I am with my situation ( only took 3 days off work: only because my boss forced me to do it), and relaxed, how good I look! That was very kind of them, and felt proud of myself!
Going out for a meal tomorrow night to a friend's house, really looking forward to that, then the next day hairdresser and make up lesson! I'm SO exited about it!
Still no sign of D papers and H not doing much in term of pushing for the house sale. Baby step or not? Or has he just let go and not bothered to deal with and expecting me to push for them?
Hi Rouky. It is so hard to tell what S wants that we just have to focus on ourselves. My attorney seems to be the one who is pushing the process. I don't hear much from W either but I am moving forward as I can't wait forever. The ball is in your court as to pushing for the D. Be strong and do what is best for Rouky and your children. Your H has to flounder through whatever journey of discovery he is on.
Cool that your colleagues are noticing your strength. All of us here already know that you rock in that department! Hope your night out is a lot of fun. Going to do something tonight myself, not sure what.........
That's the thing I don't know ( or maybe refuse to see) what the best is. Haven't slept well this week, but despite being tired went out tonight ( not for long though!). It was a good night.
He came in late to pick kids up and he was in a not pleasant mood. We talked a few second about him having the kids in the house tomorrow while I'm out. I told him no, then he said it shouldn't matter as I'm out all day! Then he walked away with kids. I was proud of myself as usual I'd have followed him and challenged him, not this time!
If he wants to stay in the house, fine I'll do what I plan to do and he'll still be in charge of kids even if I'm back in house!
I have been quite tired as keep waking up during the night, and the fact I don't know what I'm doing. My heart still loves him, on the other hand I don't see much progress towards R. I know I shouldn't lose faith or hope. Tomorrow will be a better day!
I'm proud of you Rouky. I don't know how I could deal with W spending the day in my house. You are blessed with fortitude. Sorry that you aren't sleeping well. Exercise seems to help me with sleep. It sounds as if you are detaching somewhat and putting some boundries up for your H. It will drive him a little crazy knowing that he isn't in charge of your emotions any longer. You must stay strong as this is a long battle. Your hard work in your own life will pay dividends that will serve you for the rest of your time on this earth. Praying for peace!
Had a good time at the haridresser, the last time H said my hair looked nice but not this time. I admit I was sad, as it would have been nice to hear a nice thing from him, but then again I should know not to have any expectation!
Started to read His needs, Her needs and my stomach was churning while I was ready the first few pages. Clearly not over the betrayal!
H came earlier to see kids and spent the day in the house while I was out. I'm fine with it. Now communication is to a bare minimum with H and I had to ask him about holidays and he said he couldn't have them for the coming ones. Also asked him about Xmas, he said he didn't know as he has nowhere to take them ( I thought to myself not my problem!)
It's a shame because I'm feeling better in myself, and think I'm still a good catch, but he doesn't seem to show any interest. I guess he is really done with our M! Now I'm hoping that my feelings for him will die, so I can enter a new relationship with a better knowledge on how to make it work!
I'm incline to think that I might leading towards acceptance. Not that strong Shotgun, just surviving each day one by one
Had a thought, it has been about two weeks that our conversation is very short, and about the kids. I feel that he is taking his distance, and don't really care to save M, despite him coming earlier this week to see kids.
The 180 says not to initiate conversation, I'm not too sure if I carry on what I'm doing: listening to him, validate the few things he tells me or initiate conversation.
Follow your heart or your head? I was tidying up paperwork last night and found the house sale agreement. Our contract finished 2 weeks ago (H and I thought we were under contract until Nov, and I asked a month ago H to give me Xmas break without having the house back on market. One part of me wants to put it back on the market with another estate agent as financially I'll be better off!
Another part says keep it quiet ( so it gives me a couple more months to work on R), and I'm afraid once the house is sold and we each have our place it is over for good and no chance of R. I think it's manipulating the situation.
Trying really hard to keep busy but still thinking about H a lot during the day! I'm finding hard the line between keeping faith and hope. I don't want to be hurt more than I'm already! Can't seem to let go! Help please :-(
Not much help from me, but all the sympathy you need! I'm in the same spot...afraid to hope, just want this pain over. But yet...
As far as the house, you've already agreed to not market during the holidays, so I don't see it as manipulation. I see where you might think that, but you've already discussed it. Just make the best choice for you. A R can still be repaired from two separate homes. H has to want to come back, though...so, if he weren't even in the picture, what would you do?
Maybe that helps a little?
Thank you Anxaire for stoping by and giving me support. I'm feeling lost recently, I thought I was doing so well.
For the house I think I'll leave it as it is. The papers are in the house and H can ask to see them anytime he wants! Avanti keeps telling me that I should look at his actions: he isn't pushing for sale (so maybe a good sign, or maybe he feels guilty that his kids will have to move) but then again it also could be he isn't bothered and expects me to do it all for him.
I need to come to term that lately I have put the focus on H too much but hardly on me, this needs to change.
I just don't know how to interact with him when he comes round to see kids. I say Hi, I don't initiate conversation, keep myself busy and in another room when he is with kids, when he say something I try to validate, and thanks him for what he does. I don't know if I'm doing it right or wrong.
Hi Rouky. Hope you are having a great Monday. I think that there is no right or wrong in how you DB. What I admire is that you are fighting for your marriage. The legal issues make everything so much more difficult. I hope that you can do what is best for you when it comes to your house. Keep in mind that your relationship with your husband can always be repaired but he has to want it as badly as you do. I suspect that he can't decide what he wants and isn't being forced to. Keep working on being a great Rouky and know a lot of people are praying for you!
Not such a great day. Received a very sharp email from H regarding our dos deer daughter. When I read it it felt like he was accusing me of being a bad mother. He said that he had contacted our daughter's school. What annoys me the most is that he knew he would do that today after he spoke to daughter on Saturday! He could have mentioned it to me our of courtesy that he'd do that. Also we have always spoke about issues with girls, why suddenly sending me an email?
Could I have a masculine view on this one please. When the house is sold I'll have enough deposit to buy my own house, so the girls and I won't be homeless (FIL offered his house if we need to). So really H has no fear of us being homeless, so if he is trap for cash and with OW, surely he would want the house to be sold ASAP, so he could get his money and start his new life with OW!
He made it clear a month ago that it was over, so surely he doesn't want any more ties with me than just co-parenting the kids! I'm surprised he isn't pushing for sale!
I'm a taker on any ideas/ views/ guesses :-)
H came earlier and left later,but there was hardly any interaction between us. I'm glad he is spending more time with the kids, on the other hand I wish he'd think about saving his M.
Eldest girls asked him if he could stay to eat and have a family meal together. He said maybe another time. I guess he didn't want to disappoint her! He stayed in other room while we ate and at one point eldest daughter asked me where he was so went to see him. He said that there was no point being with us while we are eating, so I asked him if he could walk the dog.
When he left I asked him about his competition over the weekend, but gave me the answer while he was walking away! (Here I'm trying something new as not , being more friendly). Funny he is coming earlier and leaving later, but he can't seem to be quick enough to leave once he has his shoes on.
I have got no idea if OW is back on the scene, but before he'd tell me that he is tired or talked a bit about his work, but now nothing. I'm tempted to ask him if he is back with her, because at least it'd mean that I could stop hoping for a reconciliation.
Shotgun, would you mind developing a bit your idea : " I suspect he can't decide what he wants and he isn't being forced to" that is the second part of your sentence that I'm a bit confused. Are you telling me that I'm soft, I'm allowing him to think that I'm plan B and will wait forever for him?
Am I silly to hope that I can save my marriage? Am I silly to wait for him? Am I silly to think that I don't deserve better, and would settle for a man who certainly doesn't love me, respect me?
I would ask him nothing and I would also put considerable energy into developing our own life and your own plans separate to him. If he is with OW, you certainly don't need to give up hopes of possible R - but it may not be anytime soon. You also don't have to settle for being a plan B.
For all of these reasons, try not to put energy and thought into what he is doing. Put it into what you are doing and build your own life into a busy and rewarding one just for you. If he wants back in, he'll let you know for sure. And he's more likely to want back in if he sees you are doing just fine without him.
Take care xx
Rouky I think that you deserve better than what your husband is giving you. If my sister or my child asked me that question I would tell them to kick that guy to the curb. Since you are my friend I feel the same way. However I am not the one who has to do it. It is easy to sit here and pass judgement on your marriage and your husband but I don't have to live with it. That said it may be possible to DB your way to a healthy relationship with your husband. I have no doubt that the principles in the books are effective in causing a WAS to be pulled closer to the one who has walked away and that the GAL activities will make us a better person/mate for the future. I think it is a good exercise also to think of your relationship as it was in the first month. How would you respond to him if he had done this then? These questions are so tough and each of us must answer for ourselves. Only you know when you have had enough. Know in your heart that you have given your all and be true to yourself and you will find your answer. Praying for you always,
Shotgun
Scared is how I am. My guts feelings are telling me that he won't wake up and realise that I wasn't that bad! Now I have a better understanding of my share in the fail of my marriage. Been reading a lot about relationship, and wish I had read those books before all this.
I'm a coward as if he was to file for D, which he hasn't yet as I haven't received any paperwork, the decision would be out of my hand. I secretly wish he'd do it! So I would never have to think about having regrets filling for it, having doubts in my mind what if I didn't file?
Sotto, how do you manage to be so "laid back", so wise? I wish I had your strength.
Shotgun thank you from the bottom of my heart for sticking with me and my mood swings :-). You are a kind, mindful and caring person. I'm glad to count you as one of my friends.
Just reporting. Cancelled contract with estate agent. Booked 3 new ones to come in and give an estimate price. Informed H about it who said he was ok. Funny enough I have been asking him for the last couple of month to deal with a bill as it's in his name. He texted me today to tell me he had tried but couldn't get through, so he'll try later in the week. I thanked him for doing it and cut him off!
Was scared when I rang estate agents as I feel I'm putting the final nail in the coffin. I haven't been sleeping well lately and it's taking its toll on me. I can't carry on like that. I know that financially I'll be better off without him, and as I have been leaving on my own for 7 months now, I know I can do it.
It's a shame as I don't want my daughters to be brought up in a mono parental family, but then again I wasn't given the choice. I'll do my best and at the moment I feel this is the best for me, and in the long run for the kids (as they surely don't want an unhappy, sad mummy!).
I hope God gives me strength to walk through this and support me in whatever decision I'm making.
Sorry I meant that he rang to tell me he couldn't deal with the bill, not texted!
God will give you strength. And your husband put the final nail in the coffin by having an affair and refusing to work on your relationship. You are left to pick up the pieces. It is very hard to move on with your life. I hope that the legal aspect of your divorce will not be difficult. Praying for you always!
Sorry, Rouky. I think you're doing the best thing for you right now, but it is painful.
Here for you!
Wow, this is what I call a cold encounter. H turned up on time ( different from the last couple of weeks when he'll come early), and I suspect because he didn't want to take the dog for a walk. Didn't say hi (like he'd always done). He asked about house, and was telling him about estate agent when he interrupted me, to which I said that I hadn't finished and it was rude of him to do that! He wasn't pleased and that I wasn't at school.WTF? I don't think I was rude when I told him to stop interrupting me!
Them he said that we are going with one particular estate agent, and I said that I'm afraid that wasn't his sole decision as I have one more estate agent to see then I'll make my mind up and we will need to sit down and discuss it.
During the whole conversation I looked at him and the couple times he looked back his eyes wouldn't look at me for more thang 1 second. Never seen him taking his eyes of me that quick.
H's behaviour has changed since Saturday, the only thing that he could have been offended was I got back from town, put my bags down and went out straight away to take dog for a walk!
Could it be that he is losing control over me ( I'm pushing now for sale if the house) and he doesn't like it? Or could it be that OW is pushing for more commitment from him and as I'm moving forward he has no real reason not to commit to OW!
Funny enough today he rang me a couple of times (as I was speaking with estate agent), then we got cut off, so I tried to ring him but went twice on his answer phone, whereas I rang him on his work mobile straight after and he answered!
Weird is all I can say!
Wow, this is what I call a cold encounter. H turned up on time ( different from the last couple of weeks when he'll come early), and I suspect because he didn't want to take the dog for a walk. Didn't say hi (like he'd always done). He asked about house, and was telling him about estate agent when he interrupted me, to which I said that I hadn't finished and it was rude of him to do that! He wasn't pleased and that I wasn't at school.WTF? I don't think I was rude when I told him to stop interrupting me!
Them he said that we are going with one particular estate agent, and I said that I'm afraid that wasn't his sole decision as I have one more estate agent to see then I'll make my mind up and we will need to sit down and discuss it.
During the whole conversation I looked at him and the couple times he looked back his eyes wouldn't look at me for more thang 1 second. Never seen him taking his eyes of me that quick.
H's behaviour has changed since Saturday, the only thing that he could have been offended was I got back from town, put my bags down and went out straight away to take dog for a walk!
Could it be that he is losing control over me ( I'm pushing now for sale if the house) and he doesn't like it? Or could it be that OW is pushing for more commitment from him and as I'm moving forward he has no real reason not to commit to OW!
Funny enough today he rang me a couple of times (as I was speaking with estate agent), then we got cut off, so I tried to ring him but went twice on his answer phone, whereas I rang him on his work mobile straight after and he answered!
Weird is all I can say!
Rouky, sorry I've only just caught up, I hadn't seen your new thread.
Having read through to this point, you really do seem to be going through a heck of a lot of emotions at the moment. One thing really stands out to me (remember I am quite blunt at times) is that you aren't DB'ing you are simply journaling. Is that what you intended or have recent events knocked you off track?
If it's the latter, you been getting some great support and that's what we all need. Maybe it's time to review what you want and where you want to be.
Having been looking over a number of different threads recently, the ones that really stand out as making progress are those who are applying the DB philosophy. There is no magic, there isn't a secret switch or clever mantra, it's doing what is right rather than thinking I want to be right, that's making the difference.
The questions it might be worth asking yourself are, what have I been doing or have planned in my GAL activities? What are my goals and when did I last look at them? What is my plan? Having I been consulting it or have I been consulting my feelings?
It could also be worth considering that as you are off "the track" it might explain why things have gone down hill a bit more recently?
If this strikes a chord, be gentle with yourself, we all have slip ups, work out what you are going to do to get things moving in the right direction as you have done before and you may see a more upward shift in your trajectory; you'll certainly feel a lot better, there is no doubting that.
Thank you Avanti for stopping by, I agree with you that recently I have let my emotions lead my life. It has been 8 months since I found out about his A and I'm not going in the right direction.
I need to start back from scratch. Read again DB and DR and set myself new goal ( TBH can't remember the last time I looked at them).
Re-evaluation is clearly needed. Really need to focus the goal on me, not H.
Selling the house would be a great relief as I'd be financially better off, but also I'll see it as a clean cut from H. I'm losing faith in my ability to DB. A part of me feels like I want to cling onto H and M (for fear of being alone), whereas the other part thinks if no more house, no need to be amicable for H as the only link left would be kids!
Just wish H would come back, but then again if I'm emotional that's not very attractive and TBH I'd not want to be with someone like me at the moment.
Rouky, take care of yourself, you come first.
You've said what you need to do, so why not do it and see what happens?
No more thinking, just doing and things'll change, you'll see.
Consider doing something to stop your mind growing mental monsters, some pray, some mediate, some simply switch bad thoughts out for good ones, what do you think might work for you?
Rouky, I've been an emotional mess this week, too. We all want everything fixed today. This entire situation stinks.
You know what? We can handle it. We can even handle it if we wind up D. We will DB to the best of our ability, because we know it makes us better people, and it will help out in so many other areas of life.
I've been rereading DR...I love to read it. I get enthused by Michelle's way of solving problems. When I start feeling like giving up, it helps so much to refocus, and have a plan.
I've been working on goal setting - for some reason I find it incredibly difficult to do.
I've been working on goal setting - for some reason I find it incredibly difficult to do.
Start with the end in mind. Picture what is is that you want to achieve, add all the details, make sure the hues and even the smells and/or sounds of everything are exactly as you want them to be.
Once you've got that picture, you've then got your goal and you simply need to break the picture down into a few simply, measureable, achievable, time defined sentences that bring that detailed picture back into your mind.
The reason you might find it difficult to set goals is because you fear they may not be achieved. The reality is that if you don't write them down the definitely won't happen and no one is going to be harmed if you do commit them to paper.
Maybe there really is truth to all that alignment of the planets stuff, cause I have been a real nutcase myself this past week! Ready to say and do things that will really sabatoge my situation.
Avanti your advice is calming. What do you find is the best way to switch off your bad thouhts to good thoughts when they get consuming and your overwhelmed by negative emotions? i feel like that type of thinking really takes a strong mind.
I use the non-spiritual Mindfulness Meditation that came out of research at the Oxford University in the UK. The work was done initially to help deal with depression but it's expanded into areas such as PTSD and ADHD.
If you type "The Oxford Mindfulness Centre' into google you should get to it. The book "Mindfulness: A practical guide to finding peace in a frantic world`' by Mark Williams and Danny Penman is where I started getting interested in it.
Thank for this Avanti. Will probably start to meditate.
I'm coming out of my emotional week. The girls have been saying that they hate/ don't love me and want their daddy, so this had triggered my fears that if I'm a bad mother, I'm also a bad wife (therefore he thinks that has every right to cheat on me).
I like your description of how to set goals, and will definitively do it this way. I need to refocus the attention on my healing not what H does. Going to be hard but I'll get through this!
Journaling: H dealt with girls while I stayed at work longer. Got home, kids were happy to see me. He looked stressed (apparently trying to sort out things for the house), in a rush to leave the house. He told me where he was going but it doesn't had up. Won't lie saying that I felt a digger in my heart as I though straight away he was going to see OW. I don't know if he is back with her, but again there is nothing I can do about it.
Focus on you Rouky!
So true and it's also part of my job! Hard to kill hard habits :-)!
No more I'm a victim, how could he do this to me?
He has done what he has done, I can't change the past but only look forward. I believe in karma and only time will tell. I'm stubborn and not easy to live with but to an extend we all are, but when I love someone I give him my all.
Feeling positive that something greater will come my way. I just need to ride this ride and believe in myself.
Have a good day everyone.
Amen, Rouky! You've got it. I'm focusing on appreciating each day as it unfolds, really being there in the moment. For years, I just let days pass by without notice. I remember to be thankful. I've got affirmations taped to my mirror so I see them first thing. One, I have strategically placed so H has to see it, too!
I'm open to learning all I can to improve myself. I do things that I would never, ever have done before. Taping affirmations to the mirror struck me as ridiculous. Now I find it really works! I would never have imagined myself with this mindset...but I'm really enjoying life for the first time in years!!! As long as H is not around, that is. I'm working on that, too.
Great PMA Rouky, keep it going.
Mindfulness meditation will help here as it enables you to deal with the unwanted thoughts you are having very effectively and easily...After a bit of practice.
Just journaling.
H called me 3 times today & I was socked. 1st time I didn't hear it so didn't bother to call back. He texted me to ask about a birthday present for our D (tomorrow is her birthday), I replied in a civil way. A couple of hours later he rang again and I purposely ignored it, gave it a couple of hours and called him back. I could t get through him, so didn't bother. He called me back to tell me what he has planned to do with the girls ( TBH I didn't want to know as it is his day with them).
Then later on he called me again to tell me that he'd be picking up the kids in 20 min, and that his plan had to change because he didn't have our car! What is that? This isn't our car, it's his! I had to laugh because one of the advice is not to believe 100% of what WAS says, it's true as he turned up 1 hour later :-)!
Then he brought back the kids and told me why he would be late tomorrow morning to pick up the kids! I was WOW what's happening with you mate!
But then again when he left it was the opposite of where he lives. I felt a sting in my heart and I think it'll take time for the hurt to go. I love him and probably always will and I have to accept that he'll always have a special place in my heart.
I'm trying not to do mind reading but do you think I'm making it too easy for him. I don't restrict access to kids, out of his 3 nights with them 2 are in the house.
I'm considering approaching him regarding access to kids. This what I'd like to tell him but A) I'm not too sure if it presented in a nice, non pursuing way and B) could this jeopardise reconciliation? So here we go
"I'd like to have a minute of your time to discuss your access to the girls I'm not stopping your access with them but I'd like you to rethink your access to the house. I know an hour isn't long but I'm finding it difficult and I'm feeling uncomfortable to have you around the house. Would you consider taking the girls out every time you come and see them? "
Any thoughts?
Rouky, If you want reconciliation why do you want him to take the girls out of the house?
I just want to protect myself. I'm already hurt and don't want to be hurt again by hoping for something that will never happen! Can't see H moving towards reconciliation, so my thinking is if I don't see much of him I 'll be better.
Also as far as I know he is finished and done with me, so why man in it easy on him. When we were together, he'd never stay at his ex's place to see his kid, so what is different with my situation?
I feel I'm too soft with him and so far he hasn't got any consequences for what he has done: he has access to the house as often as he wants, I'm accommodating when he sees the kids (I could have arranged for youngest daughter to have her birthday party tomorrow but scheduled it a day later so she culd have her birthday with her daddy, not me), I still receive his mail (where I could send it back!).
I can relate, Rouky. I'm oddly excited for my H to go on his really long work trip. Every time I see him, I'm pulled back to square one. It's easier to GAL without them around, I think.
Ok, I understand now, especially the "making it easy for them" part and them not realizing the consequences. So maybe start going out when he comes. I am the worst at GALing but an hour visit would be perfect amount of time for some exercise, walk, something like that. Even if you don't have plans just leave - do u have family nearby - just go over for tea or coffee.
Feeling a bit down. Youngest daughter woke up all exited as it's her birthday. Feeling sad because we should all be there when she opens her presents. H didn't ask if he could be there but as he hasn't got her present he's going to nip into town to buy it.
Come on Rouky, there is nothing you can do about it! Cheer up :-)!
Smile Rouky! You are a great Mom and you are raising great kids. It's only the strength of a woman that can carry a baby for nine months and then bring it into the world. Bless you for all that you do and for the gifts you have given the world which is your children. I hope your daughter has a great Birthday and that you can find peace today!
Just found peace: eating chocolate fudge cake :-). Thanks for checking up on me Shotgun.
Took dog for a walk and started to think! Not good but really my H has been brought up in a family where violence, cheating was common so really he didn't know better! I'm coming to the realisation that yes I didn't meet his needs ( nor did he with mine), but I didn't stray not me. It feels like he has a lot of issues coming from his childhood and that he's chasing after happiness from going from one relationship to another!
I can't help him with this, he has to step back and take a really hard look at his life, and if he doesn't address his issues, it'll be the same with the OW!
I never felt loved by my mother and her parents, and I always felt like the black sheep! I have entered several relationships because I wanted to be loved. DB is teaching me that I'm the only person who can love me. Why do I care about what others think about me? Why do I have to please everybody first, then consider myself at the bottom of the list?
This situation is allowing me to re-access my place in this world. It's taking me ages to see it (I'm a slow learner), but I feel that before I wasn't ready to take a real hard look at myself. Now is the time.
Everything I have learnt through this journey I'll take it with me in my next relationship ( with or without H). I deserve better than a cheater! My daughters deserve to be brought up with sense of self worthy, confidence. I OWE this to them.
I can see H not re-evaluating his share of the fail of this M. I can see him not taking any responsibility for what he has done, not wanting to work on him and become a better man, but mainly I can't see him changing as it seems that to him he wasn't in the wrong! I am! Yeah too right!
Rouky, you are consulting with your feelings, where is your plan and the goals they are aiming to achieve?
Looking back at what went wrong, you did or didn't have is productive to a point, until you know where you want to head, too much reflection can bring you down.
You are right you can't make your husband do anything, you have power over you and you seem to have Really realised that. It may have taken you longer than some, so what, it's your life not theirs so stop comparing yourself. There are others who've not got to where you are and won't for some time yet until they start to look forward and to where they want to be.
Use this reflective walk (and the fudge cake) as your spring board toward a better life for Rouky. You know what to do, all that needs to happen is the decision to get moving. Goals and plans are key fundamentals, get your head into them and the movement will start.
My problem is that I tend to over think, and as you pointed out I NEED to start afresh with my plans. H has still much power over me!
Lost it with him today, got a text from him to bring him a cooking appliance! I know I have been very stupid in handling it. No hi, thank you in his text really wounded me up, brought it to him then asked him who he was cooking for. No reply than I said I'll not have my appliances used by him to cook for her! H got very defensive (like what I do with my life is my business, and why do you dare to talk to me about OW!)Then carried on asking him to bring back my cooking books! I really lost it, but at the time it felt good.
Now just journaling about it. I'm too emotional and I need to reduce amount of contact with him to minimum. Not even sure I want to save my M anymore. If I bring the A on the table just for an appliance, what would stop me from doing it again?
I'm frustrated as H chose the easy way out to end M (no honesty from him, no decent action from him), that he shows no remorse for what he has done and mainly no excuses for his despicable behaviour!
Rouky, I'm so sorry. The lack of responsibility is a sign, though, that you clearly recognize.
I wouldn't have handed over my appliance, either. You're not really married, you're not really friends, so what makes him think you're okay with bringing him things he asks for? I see a need for some boundary setting here. WS love to act as if nothing has changed. LBS really need to act as if everything has changed, or the WS would be content to carry on in this manner forever.
Hi Rouky. I just lost it with H too. Dealing with sons car accident. Having to ask my mom to help pay. The people son hit won't accept payment to car repair shop. They want money directly to them. Anyway. I have cried in front of these people twice. While H is off planning furniture shopping with OW So I sent H a text saying something to the effect of: The burden I have been caring is too heavy I have had enough. I'm not doing this anymore. Here I am trying to figure out how to pay for this and you are out having fun. You have made a fool of me and a fool of the life I have lived. U can pay for car repair!!!
Probably broke every DB rule right?
Thanks for taking time to reply. Can I be honest? I'm scared of setting boundary as I see it as a way to push him further away. I agree I'm being taken advantage of, all because of fear!
I think I need to put my feet down on few things. The fear of doing it wrong is preventing me from doing anything! I should have more faith in me! Why am I scared of him and his reactions?
It has been nearly 8 months that I have been a single mother. He isn't showing sign of coming back. He is happy to lead his life as a single man!
You are right Ancaire everything has changed and I should act as we are divorced, and only keep it amicable for the kids.
I really need to wake up and start acting as an adult, not expecting someone to do it for me!
Well, no one said this was easy. It's terrifying to change the dynamics; however, change is what is necessary. You change, he has to change in response. You have zero control over whether his response is positive or negative. You need to look out for you. His actions hurt you. Take that power to harm away from him. He won't like it, especially at first. He might say you're being mean, or call you names (every man seems to love referring to us as female dogs.) So what?
Are you telling me Rouky can't stand up to a bully? I believe you can. You want to think he cares. I assure you, if he is in an A, he does not, no matter what he says.
Until the day you once again see the person you married, the personality currently occupying H' s body is a bully. It's all about him: his wants, his needs, his feelings. How do we tell our kids to deal with bullies?
No need to be mean. Just be polite, short, and to the point.
You can do this, Rouky!
Jpeg...well, yes, you broke DB rules. We all do. Then we pick up the pieces and move on. You already know you could have handled that better. Make a better plan for next time.
It is okay, I promise.
Funny enough I tell my daughters to stand up to bullies but I don't do it myself! Not setting the right example.
Mind is such a powerful thing: it can make you happy or it can freeze you with fear!
So far what I have done isn't working. I'm leaning towards going dark as much as I can do because of kids!
I do believe that if I didn't have to deal with him and he was completely out of my life (sorry to say that but not on this planet, I'd feel better and clearer in what I want.
Thank you for being honest Rouky. I think that is the most important thing in this whole process, honesty. Honesty to ourselves to our Hs, to our kids. No sugar coating. I can totally relate to what you said re boundaries pushing H farther away. It seems to me when I go dark he feels more free. Fear is what is holding us back At times I feel I have been frozen by fear
Ancaire, I'm exhausted, I'm out of plans, this has been a crappy day
Jpeg, my advice then is to go super-dark the rest of the day. Don't attempt to deal with H when you're exhausted. Always a bad idea.
Ancaire thank you! That is exactly what I am going to do. I really do appreciate and value your advice.
No expectation is something I really should engraved in my brain. Despite H telling he'd turn up for daughter's birthday, he didn't. I should have expected it as he never asked when it was.
Was hard as was surrounded by mum telling me about what they did at the weekend with their H. It really hurts. Can feel tears rolling down my cheek!
Now questioning my actions: kicking him out, being cold, having meltdown about trivial things! What if he had stayed? Would that have given me more change to save marriage?
Finding it hard to shut down my heart. Don't know why I still love him after what he has done. I'm angry that he can lead his single life, and not deal with everyday life!
How can someone be so selfish to have an A instead of really telling me that there was a serious problem! I really hope that he has remorse for destroying his kids' family unit! That he can't sleep at night and that he will find someone, then love her with the same devotion I have, then rip his heart into pieces!
I can't carry on! Too hard!
That's so tough on you and your D.
{{{{{{{Rouky}}}}}}
Your description has brought to mind some ideas that you could think about to enable the reduction of such apparently thoughtless behavior. I say apparently because there's always the chance that something significant stopped him from being there. I doubt it but I am one, sometimes to my cost, to give everyone the benefit of the doubt...
Let's talk some more when you've dealt with how you feel right now, it's important to experience your emotions, do so without shame or embarrassment, they make you all that Rouky is, something special.
{{{{{{{Rouky}}}}}}}
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^. Great post from Avanti.
I have decided to see doctor and see what we can do to help me out! I need to think about my kids because they rely on me and I'm their every day carer, if I break down it surely won't be him!
Be strong Rouky!
Thanks Avanti :-)
If the doctor talks about anti-depressants, ask them about other ways of dealing with the condition like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, or Mindfulness Meditation.
There are many in the healthcare world who see medication as being potentially harmful, rather than of benefit. They aren't an instant fix (3-4 weeks until they allegedly start to kick-in) and they do mess with your body chemistry and may make things worse. Shotgun is a prime example of where med's are of questionable (at best) benefit.
My impression is that your husband is behaves with extreme passive aggressive tendencies. There are ways of recognising it and effectively dealing with it, when you are on a better footing, we can look at this further. There's lots on the net about it, might be worth a look, but only when you've recovered from today's painful experience, don't the rush things.
I have just read Ghost post and I have to admit that I want to file. I know it's coming from emotional reaction and I'm glad it's Sunday so I can do nothing about it:-).
I have decided to see solicitor regarding sale of the house as I don't really know where to stand. We are separated but there is no legal paper to say that. I just want to make sure that I don't agree to things quickly and there are a few assets that I want to protect in case H files!
I think I'm so down it's because of the importance of this last weekend.
Oh Rouky. I don't know how to make that hug symbol thing but I am sending you an emotional hug. I cannot count the number of times I have thought "this is too hard, I can't, I don't want, to do this anymore". But I do. One breath at a time. One minute at a time, one hour, one day at a time. Even yesterday I was feeling that way and today it is a little better. I am continually baffled at how H cannot see the destruction he is causing to all his children, his parents, my family - everyone loved him so much - this has shocked everyone.
And we LBS are left to look after all the carnage they are causing. It is BEYOND HARD and your friends here on this board CAN relate. We have felt and are feeling the pain. I don't mean it in a "misery loves company" kinda way rather in a we are here for support kind way.
Hang in there Rouky. Sorry that your husband is so self centered. The special occasions are the hardest to face with what we are dealing with. I wish I could make it better for you and your daughter. It's so hard to understand why a person would do this to their family. Know how much we all care for you here at DB. You are loved and your impact on our lives will be felt forever. I am sure that your children feel the same. I hope that tomorrow will bring a happier Rouky and that you can face the week with courage and cunning.
Rouky, how about asking yourself this question, if I go ahead and get my D done, how will I feel when the next special event comes along and your XH fails turn up as promised or messes it up in some other way?
The D is just a Legal document, it can't be used to hurt him, except maybe a paper cut or two, especially in the joins between the fingers, that's the worst place for them. :-)
Move forward with the D because you want to move forward with your life, not because you think it will inflict damage on your H. It will, but it'll also hurt others too, you and your kids. Be ready to cope with that before taking the action you were or are thinking of.
Thanks everyone for your support over the weekend. Felt much better today after a good night cry. I think it all got to me because of the special occasion it was!
I understand what you are saying Avanti. In my H'a head we are already divorced, but he isn't filing! (Probably laziness, not wanting to meet the cost from his point of view).
Have arranged to go out this Thursday and Friday, so hopefully I'll have some fun.
In my H's head we are already divorced, but he isn't filing! (Probably laziness, not wanting to meet the cost from his point of view).
Is this mind reading, or has he said this and if he has, how much of what your H says should you believe?
Have arranged to go out this Thursday and Friday, so hopefully I'll have some fun.
Nice one, enjoy!
Had a strange day at work today. Normally I'd have been very emotional about it but no. What has been done as been done, nothing that I could have changed so better learn from it and move on!
Was able to have a conversation with H last night, just general stuff. He was supposed to come to a meeting and didn't turn up ( this time wasn't really expecting anything from him), but funny enough he rang to ask about it.
I feel more peaceful today and can't wait for the end of the week!
That's great Rouky, hold on to that feeling.
I'm jealous of your going out plans.
I have got the impression that things seem to be falling into place how it is supposed to be. I have been feeling serene for the last 3 days ( I know it's early days) regarding my situation as I'm coming to realisation that there is nothing I can change apart from me. My H will need to go on his journey and me mine.
Got training today about dealing with stress, and I know far too well that it wouldn't have strike a cord with me a couple of months ago, but tonight it really talked to me!
I had an interesting chat with one of colleague about life in general. She told me that it is all well to want to save money, to please everyone, wait for the right time to do things, but what would happen if I passed away sooner than later? How would have I lived my life? She added that I have just got one and I must live it the best I can.
He came round late, but it didn't matter as I thought that he was the one missing on his precious time with his kids. Although dog got agitated as he wanted to go for a walk, but I couldn't go until H was home. I over heard him asking the kids were I was! My eldest said gone with the dog (N.B she was playing with dog when she answered! Love her to bits!).
Kept doing what I was doing, then when I finished had a friendly conversation with H. He has also accepted to look after the girls on Friday while I'm out and he said he had reduced his commitment to his sports!
The sereneness will definitely help, you and your sitch, keep it up, it feels good doesn't it?
Yes too right. I'm going to start meditating. The speaker told us that 5 minutes of concentration on your breathing does wonder! Can't wait to try :-)
I really could do with some advice. Went out tonight and a brilliant evening. Then decided to do everything against DB! Drive by H's place (where he is staying), and didn't see his car. So I drove to OW's house and there was his car. Also didn't ring a couple of times the door bell, not to particularly see him but to disrupt their night.
Now the funny thing is I'm angry, hurt but not that much! I'm sad as I believed I could save my marriage but I can't. Now I found out about her, then he stopped seeing her, then went back to her after 2 weeks. Then 2 months ago, he said he wasn't with her, but he is clearly back with her.
My question is how many times do I need to be mocked around, treated like a piece of dirt before I decide enough is enough! He has clearly moved on & now I'm sure I know why he wasn't at his daughters' birthday.
Well there is so much I can take and I don't really need someone like him in my life! If he is happy with her so be it. He'll have to deal with her 3 kids!
I'm done, I don't deserve to be treated like that! I don't believe about him being in a fog. He is very well aware of what he is doing! My kids deserve to be brought up with love, respect and caring for each other!
He has decided to put his needs first. Now it's really time to look after myself and the girls. Divorce is on the card I'm afraid! I'll not be treated like that!
I'm feeling sad because I was really hoping we could make it work but no. Now how can someone date someone else when they aren't even divorced! I guess some people have no morals!
{{{{{{Rouky}}}}}}
Your picture of how things were have been shattered and that must really hurt.
Now really isn't the time to be making any decisions, so don't make any.
Be sad and feel the pain it is what you need to do right now.
When you are through this and it won't take long because you are stronger than at BD, let things be.
He doesn't know you were there, test him when you next see him, if he opens up and tells you the truth and the reason why he was there, you have one set of plans to make.
If he lies and you confront him you give him the power to say you are checking up on him so don't trust him and he can't take that.
If he lies and you say you've been told his car was outside the OW's, see what he says.
If he continues to lie say, supposing it was me who saw his car, what would he say then? If he's come back with the you don't trust me line, repeat that your hypothetical question.
Keep control of the conversations by asking the questions, keep your emotions in check and keep a very calm and inquisitive tone to your voice.
If you don't like what he is saying walk away, by turning your back you may get the truth.
If you don't get the truth and you see it all as lies, the you have another sort of plans to make an there's still no rush to make them.
Act on what you hear and see from your H, not what you currently think to be true and by doing so you'll have clearer thoughts about your way forward.
I'm so sorry Rouky. Stay focused on yourself and try to not think about your husband. He will do what he does and some day he will be very sorry but that day is not today. I really wish that I could give you a hug and tell you that you will be alright. Hang on with both hands and try to move forward. Someday the hurt will be much less and you will find the peace that you deserve. Just be a great Rouky and a great mom and know that you are loved. Take care!
Thanks. He knows I was checking on him as I rang her door bell! It was late in the evening.
At the moment I'm feeling more angry towards myself for being silly/ stupid that I could save my M. H has decided otherwise. I'm not even crying,only shaking for being so foolish! I'll get over it!
I'm not even going to ask him or challenge him as there is no point, he has chosen her over his family! There is nothing I can do about it! So tomorrow I'll be like I have been for the last few months, happy, smiling and good looking when I'll be going out!
He is lazy and doesn't want to file as it's expensive and he has no ground for it! After 2 years it'll be easier for him! What I'm going to do is see again my L and discuss my financial situation: where do I stand with the sale of the house, childcare etc.... (This has been going on my mind for a while!). We have agreed verbally about how we'll split the house but now things have changed and I need to take care of my kids and myself!
What I'm finding laughable is that he told me he didn't want any kids but she has 3 young kids! He has been moving from one relationship to one another. He is pursuing happiness but I guess when routine will set in and she'll ask him more from him, it will be interesting to see what he does!
The thing is if he is able to cheat on his wife of 10 years, which garantee has she got that he won't do it on her!
I'm gonna let a couple of weeks go by then I'll stop him accessing the house. He can come, pick up the kids and bring them back! No more Mrs Nice guy!
Had little sleep last night. Feeling sick. Tried to cry but tears won't come so I guess I'm past the shock! I can't really tell how I feel as one minute I'm fine, the next I'm not. Funny enough I'm not dreading to see him tonight as I have realised that I have lost.
He wasn't showing any signs of R, he has chosen her instead of his family. I think that being brought up in a family where infidelity was his every day life, it's normal for him. He wasn't happy with me, started an A (that still caries on!), moves in with her. So this what all his siblings did, so I guess it must be right from his views.
I need to realise that the man I married 10 years ago is gone and will never come back! I'd rather be in my shoes than his! He left his first partner with a young child, married me, cheated on me and abandoned his kids. Instead of facing his problems he moves from relationships to relationships!
Now I only need to kill what I feel for him, so I can move on! Sad day but unfortunately it looks like that only a handful of M survive infidelity. I guess I'll be part of the statistic, but at least I can hold my head high and say that I tried my best. So no regrets from me here!
It felt sad all day but I can't believe how a bit of make up and perfume can do! He came to pick the gilts up! Was as cheerful as always, he asked if I was going out tonight to which I said yes (like he didn't know as I asked him to look after the kids!).
No mention from him about last night! Maybe when I get back! But if he argues about what I did, my reply will be that now I know he is back with her I won't need to lie for him when they asked me where he is!!
I think that is a fair comment.
Hi Rouky, I'm sorry to hear that. The whole 'revolving' door thing is often a feature of such R's. My H has been on-off-on-off-on-off-on?? with OW. And this is just from my knowledge. There may be other offs/ons that I have no idea about as I just don't ask....
The important thing I think is to live your own life. I just decided - this whole on-off-on thing does not affect me. H and I are not together and - that is not my life. If I have learned one thing - it's - that is not how I want my life to be!!
I'll live my own life and if H ever wants to be part of it again, he can ask and I'll consider it at that point. And OW not being in the picture would be an absolute bottom line for me. Until or unless that happens, it's foward motion for me.
I can see that what happens may be a set back. But it needn't fundamentally change anything if you don't want it to. It's up to you my friend...
Give yourself time to process, grieve and then move forward again.
Take care xx
Thank Sotto,
Where and how do you find that strength? It seems at the moment I have none!
Hi Rouky, probably going through exactly the same kind of pain you're going through now! Is it strength? IDK. Self preservation definitely. I realised that I can't stay bound to that situation, because that is just crazy-making. to get your hopes up-dashed-up-dashed....you can only go through that so many times.
I think my H filing for D helped me let go quite a bit more too. Plus time, shifting focus, having plans, NC...all those things help.
I still struggle with many things, and maybe there's a bit of bravado in my post above. But I do think not remaining linked to the whole 'revolving door' scenario is really important..
The other thing to remember in terms of the A is - it all needs to work itself through - and that does take time. xx
Just reporting. My GAL ended earlier than expected, so went back home. H wasn't in a rush to leave. My take is as he is with OW surely as soon as I have one foot in the door, he'd be out! But no!
He mentioned nothing about last night, told me he was unwell and why he'd be late to pick up the kids! I really don't get it! Surely he is with her so why hang around and telling me all those things! When he is done with someone he is ( I know because of his relationship with his father), so is he like that with me?
Sorry but you venting. Surely OW must have a lose screw! H has 3 children from 2 different women & he both left them because he was unhappy. He has been moving from relationship to relationship: a quest for happiness.
When the honeymoon period is over, what guarantee has she got that he won't cheat on her! He has been able to do it with me for 2 years! H has been brought up in an environment of cheating being normal, what does make her more special then me and his first partner?
Just my thought. I should feel sorry for her as H has issues that he doesn't seem/ wants to deal with once for all!
Been feeling sad this morning, cried and picked myself up again. Going to try herbal remedies to deal with mood swings!
Been reading DR again, and one question attracted me attention: What the OW/ OM has to offer to your partner?
Well always looked her best (so am I) ticked
She can fulfill his sexual needs (sorry can't do that as he no longer lives in the house)
Cook for him/ clean for him/ wash his clothes ( can't do that either)
Give him her undivided attention ( can't do that as no longer in the house, she also has her XH and mum nearby to take her kids away when she wants time with my H, I got no close family and his family aren't so keen to help with the girls)
A shoulder to cry on/ hear ( this is where I miserably failed, also he wouldn't open up to me)
Fun (failing as struggling to have fun) BUT this something I'm going to definitively work on!
No stress ( well this is an assumption from my part, half way through it)!
So all in all I'm getting there, and there are still some points to be covered unfortunately I can't deal with points 2/3/4 as he isn't in the house!
So I'm a bit stuck as I don't really know how to approach those 3 points? Any advice on how to act on them?
He dropped kids off, and stayed for a chat. He talked about the house ( not in a rush to get rid of it), about his job and few issues he has, about the arrangements with the kids, and a bit if his future once house is sold.
He says that he'll buy his own house. No mention of OW or what happened this week.
Was nice to talk to him and he looked at me in the eyes a couple of time. I validated him and didn't interrupt him.
He says that he'll buy his own house. No mention of OW or what happened this week.
Have you considered that this is now an elephant in the room and should ideally be dealt with so that it doesn't grow in size over time?
Never heard of that expression but it made me laugh!
I know don't believe what they say but he'll need a house where they can have her 3 kids and my 2!
Got a solicitor appointment to sort out financial separation. He is entitled to half of my pension and he has none, so at this moment in time I have to look after my kids and me financially!
Rouky, an elephant in the room means there is a big and important topic that isn't being discussed but needs to be talked about.
You have a mindset at the moment based on conjecture and without grounding that out to determine what truth there really is you are not working based on facts.
I know he is back with her, as I saw his car at her place at night. I can't get much more evidence than that! I thought that BD was not talking about M or OW.
I know he is back with her, as I saw his car at her place at night. I can't get much more evidence than that!
Was he saying goodbye it's the end? I doubt it but you don't know for sure either.
I thought that BD was not talking about M or OW.
It isn't, the point being made was that you've got a whole load of unknowns and are acting on them. Either bottom it all out or forget it, which is a very hard to achieve option. If your conclusion is right, he's also potentially having fun with you, at your expense, because you aren't bringing up something he knows you want to and he's not going to raise it because he knows it's gnawing at you.
Either way, if you let something fester, it gets more painful.
So if I understood right I should asked him if he's back with her, and if he wants a D?
At the time I turned up at her place, I don't think he was saying goodby to her, and her car was parked behind his!
So if I understood right I should asked him if he's back with her, and if he wants a D?
Yes, to the first question and it's up to you on the second. Personally, I simply keep quiet when he's said yes and don't break the silence, let him do that.
Get things in the open, having them even partly obscured makes discussion tricky at best.
Thanks Avanti. I think it's my fear of him saying yes that prevents me to ask him. I don't know why because he is already gone and I don't think I can be hurt further more.
Also H don't like confrontation that's why I didn't raise it as I know that if I challenge him in anyway when he thinks he is right he becomes an a@&.
I have been thinking for a whole now to apologise for my part in the failure of M, not as a way to get him back to feel at peace with me. I did this with a very good friend of mine, she was surprised I did it and I felt happier after.
I though about telling him that with the knowledge I have now if I had a chance I'd do things differently, that I still love him. Wouldn't this be as pursuing? Would it be ok to say this?
It's lovely of you to think that way, you are so caring Rouky.
It is unfortunately pursuing. It'll just boost his ego or he may even laugh at you or worse still both.
Write it all down, get it out there then burn the piece of paper in the garden or permanently delete the file <shift><del>. Your mind then has the feeling of release plus you get closure, all within your control.
Why are you scared of him? He has no control over you now, if he starts yelling or throws a tantrum, ask him to leave and say nothing more. A boundary is then defined. Kids hate it when they are found out and are sent to their room if they throw a tantrum, treat him the same.
If you don't ask him, won't it eating away at you be more painful over time?
Wise words from Avanti , my only concern is would he tell you the truth and would you believe his answer. Might be worth considering before you ask
Take care. Rd
Well if he tells me he's back with her I know he isn't lying. If he tells me that he isn't and I know that he's lying, this will help me to drop the rope more easily.
What I am scared off? Despite what he did/ does to me I still have love for him and I'm afraid that if I don't do things right there will be no more chance for me. I know I can cope living on my own with my 2 beautiful girls. I think I might be attractive as I get compliments by male friends and how people look at me in the street.
I'm scared to hold on to my hope ( us being a family again and me a better version of me) as it'll probably never ever happens if he is back with her!
Finding it hard to move forward and not move on. Sotto gave me a good definition of it.
Rouky, take a step back, what would your response be if you saw a post from a newbie that said "What I am scared off? Despite what she did/ does to me I still have love for her and I'm afraid that if I don't do things right there will be no more chance for me."?
You need to start a new thread.
Hi Rouky, the thing that strikes me is you are talking about him being back with OW as though that means the end for you guys. In fact, it's probably just an 'on phase' for the A which will likely run it's course - as most A's do.
Yes, that takes time - but that decision is yours - whether you are willing to let that time pass and let things play out while you work on you and live your own life....xx