AD - DivorceBusting.com

Will AD stop the pain/

How do I let go. It will be a year soon and it seems to be getting to me more and more. Back in june and July I felt like I was starting to detach and be able to live with the situation but know I don't know anymore.
I could leave but then I would not be able to see my S every night and put him to bed. The thought of losing that is taking its toll and I just don't know where to turn.
Married living in the same house with everything as it was before but no connection

Have you posted your story? I hope you will.

Have you read all the links Cadet provides? They are tools for you to use. That is how you learn to detach, etc.

You must detach and GAL. Ask anyone who reconciled, and they will tell you that they had to do these two things, first.

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Married living in the same house with everything as it was before but no connection

For a year? Change the dynamics in the relationship, and it will change.

No, AD's won't take the pain away. It helps cope, but if you do nothing to change things, then nothing will take the pain away.

Thanks Sandy,
I had posted my story before and pulled it. Married 20+ yeas and 4 kids.
Change the dynamics, I thought I was but now don't believe I accomplished anything. Seem to be back to square one and just not sure of direction to go.
Today for example I brought up the R even tho I knew I shouldn't and got exactly what I knew was coming. Just a steel cold stare. I told her it was not what I wanted and she just looked at me and said you said this was the only way you would stay. I don't know I don't remember ever saying that. All I ever said is I don't want a divorce and she agreed saying that we would stay married for the finances kids and house. That was 6 months ago and nothing seems to have moved since.

Originally Posted By: Merckx

I could leave but then I would not be able to see my S every night and put him to bed. The thought of losing that is taking its toll and I just don't know where to turn.
Married living in the same house with everything as it was before but no connection

I know your pain I am in Exactly the same position and I mean exactly ....having the R conversation does not help I do it have done it and always it has been met by the same response

My w started to detach about three years ago we still get on we do things together almost just like things were before BD just the imp tamale has now gone and she goes out with her friends when she wants to ...she is secretive with her phone msgs a guy gets her emotions filled from his flirting ...wanker ......

Here is what I am hoping
1) I can detach so that when she goes out it really does not bother me right now it drives me crazy the thinking ...not even going to go there
2) I start to make new friends if this leads to me being happier then great
3) be a betterfather to my four kids
4) be a better husband washing ironing cleaning spend time with family
5) have her in the house for as long as possible not rush to sell I feel this may give me the best oppertunity to show her my changes ....I may be very wrong with this approaching see no good from us being apart

6) Improve myself be the best ghost I can be

I do not want to be a part time parent ...my W would prefer to sell the house and start a new life without me move on forward

She has no idea how hard this will be for everyone she has given this no thought not looking forward to that point when it comes

Good luck

You can get through this we both can

Ghost

Ghost,
I have been following you for months and see the pain. Sometimes I feel it is exactly the same, sometimes think yours has more likely a chance to improve. I just feel that there is no movement my part or hers.
Like I said I thought I was getting past some of the worst back in june/july but now I just don't know.

Sandi,
How do you change the dynamics or do 180's when the whole R has been across the board? I have the worst habits of not finishing anything but trying to do everything. I always cooked but then stopped so much in the 3 years leading up to the BD, same with the yard and the house. Now when I go back to those it looks fake but I need to do them. Just don't know which way to go.

It's tough alright.I followed your old thread.Maybe you should put a summary her for others.It helps people advise.

I have no real advice at this stage but I wish you luck.

I would say start on your side of things or rather restart on your side of things first. You change, then being/acting different is what changes dynamics.

I feel your frustration and know how demotivating it can be when you seem to not be making progress. It is slow...... too slow but it did take a long time to get to where ye are too.

All the best

In a nut shell this is what I know.
A little over 3 yrs ago I could sense something wasn�t right at times. Sometimes it just felt like we were in different places but still got along very well.

I have a bad habit of going quiet when we disagreed (stonewalling) and on several occasions over the years saying I was going to leave, just didn�t know what to do. On at least two occasions I actually left the house and would stay out overnight not saying anything for days afterwards because I couldn�t figure out how to restart a conversation with her.

About 2-1/2 years ago had another disagreement as I was feeling something was wrong and asked her if she was having an affair. She looked at me and told me she didn�t know if she could do this anymore and said maybe we should separate. Well I begged and pleaded and we eventually seemed to come back together after about 2 months, she even told me she really did love me. This is where I was too dumb and stupid I never went any farther and looked for professional help or any help for that matter to find out what all I had done to cause this unhappiness.

It didn�t take long after we came back together for me to start feeling something wasn�t quite right but still I did not do anything. We would be ok and I would accept that and be thankful instead of looking to fix it because I didn�t want to rock the boat. Later the next year she told me she didn�t feel connected anymore, still I did nothing to try and make things better or find out what that meant. I couldn�t understand it and thought it was just all the stress we were under financially. Two kids in college.

Well I finally snapped again over the summer and went into one of my stonewalling sessions, we survived but barley. Later we got more bad financial news (Of which we were totally ok) but I let it get to me and we had an argument and I left upset. Left her I note wishing things could have been different. She tried calling and getting a hold of me and I did not answer her. She was trying and I just couldn�t see it.

A couple of weeks after that(About a year ago) a small stupid argument blew up into me telling her she didn�t love me and I walked out for two days. When I came back she had had time to live without me and decided that she wanted a separation. Did all the same things begging and pleading and avoided the separation and now we live parallel lives.

We had some conversations after that and she was somewhat open and said that she didn�t know what she wanted and didn�t say she never wanted to try again. During that time I was seeing an IC and he kept telling me I need apologize only problem was I was not ready for it and could not keep it together to do that. Somewhere along the way we ended up in a late night conversation that should not have happened and it broke down to me telling her I did not want to get divorced (Divorce had never been mentioned before) and she said she didn�t either. She went on to say that we could stay together for the finances, kids and the house after that I didn�t say anything.

In the few conversations we have had about the R since then she has told me she is not romantically in love with me anymore. She knows this is what I want but she doesn�t want it anymore. Most recently I started to tell here that this is not what I wanted and she told me this was the way I said I would stay.

I know I should not have brought up the conversation again but I just wanted some movement. I miss her and can see her ever day but I don�t know where she went.

Okay, without more information about the MR, I am hesitant to write a lot. What did your W tell you? Does she want a divorce? What are her reasons, or did she give you any? Most will say, "I love you, but I'm not in-love with you". What changes, if any, have you seen in her?

My H has the same bad habits as you. I have been so frustrated I could literally pull my hair out. Nothing in our house gets finished that he starts. He even buys things that are never taken out of the package. He has good intentions, at the time he starts something, but he just doesn't see it through to the end. He's a good man. He's very kind and has a gentle nature. He thinks before he speaks, and sometimes that causes him to appear a little slower thinking than a person who is impatient, impulsive, quick tongued, and doesn't think things through as well as they should (like me). Until just a few years ago, I did not know he had ADD. One night, we were watching a commercial on that very topic. He said, "That describes the way I've been since I was five years old". I was shocked! He had never said anything about how his thoughts about and couldn't focus on things. He had never seen anyone about it, b/c he thought it was just the way he was. It broke my heart to think of the ways he must have suffered when he was growing up. Now, one of our grandchildren has the same problem, and it is pretty bad. He never finishes anything he starts!

I don't mean to sound as if I'm diagnosing you. I said all of that to tell you that you are not alone. Have you ever seen anyone about the possibility of you having attention deficit? It is not just in children, b/c adults have it also. There is medication one can take to help you stayed more focused and at task, if that were to be the case.

On the other hand, if it is due to really bad habits, then there is only one thing to fix it.....and you know what that is, right?

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Change the dynamics, I thought I was but now don't believe I accomplished anything. Seem to be back to square one and just not sure of direction to go.

Can you share with us what you did to change the dynamics?

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Today for example I brought up the R even tho I knew I shouldn't and got exactly what I knew was coming. Just a steel cold stare. I told her it was not what I wanted and she just looked at me and said you said this was the only way you would stay. I don't know I don't remember ever saying that. All I ever said is I don't want a divorce and she agreed saying that we would stay married for the finances kids and house. That was 6 months ago and nothing seems to have moved since.

So are you doubting yourself or your W? Do you forget things you have said?

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How do you change the dynamics or do 180's when the whole R has
been across the board? I have the worst habits of not finishing
anything but trying to do everything. I always cooked but then stopped so much in the 3 years leading up to the BD, same with the yard and the house. Now when I go back to those it looks fake but I need to do them. Just don't know which way to go.

I'm not sure what you mean. Are you saying that in order to change the dynamics that you need to cook, do the yardwork, and more of the housework? Why does it seem fake?

I really want to help. Just need more information about how things have been in the relationship.

There is a lot of information on the Internet about dynamics in a relationship. I hope you will research how this plays out in a M.

Changing the dynamics does NOT mean you act like her unpaid employee, or do all that work to win brownie points with her. You said it needed to be done. Why? What do you mean? Does she do any of it?

Who would you say wears the pants the M?

Glad to see you have a good vet in your corner now

For Sandi,
I have read and know that GAL is important and something I need to do but it is also where I am most troubled. Before the BD I had too much going on, work, commute, house upkeep kids so much so that I needed an outlet. I found it in sports and in the beginning it wasn�t too bad but over the past 10 yrs it progressed into an addiction where I needed it to cope with all the other stresses in life. Little did I realize it was really the sport taking so much of my time that was upping the stress in the other parts of my life. I couldn�t give it up because I felt I needed to get away.

Now when I try to GAL all I think of is the time I spent away and how this is more of the same.

Some things I have done
Went back to school. It will take some time but in about a year and a half I should have my skills back up to where they need to be that I can get a job closer to home or be in a position to work from home. During class is great it occupies my time and mind and find it very enjoyable. Homework on the other hand is hard as trying to find time away to get it done while still getting things done around the house. Also find that I do not stay focused and will start to wander and wish that I had my old life back.

Spend more time with my kids especially the youngest.

Working out in the gym. Running when I can keep from injuring myself. Can�t quite get the start slow concept down.

Still one of the hardest things for me is the commute. At over an hour each way it is just too much alone time and my mind wanders. It is probably the biggest change I need to make but is at least a year or more off before that can happen.

Sandi,
Here is more.
What did she tell me �
Well, she has never said she wants a divorce only a trial separation that was a year ago.
She never said I love you, but I�m not in love with you. I told her that she didn�t love me anymore in the heat of an argument that dropped the bomb, she agreed but was not the one to initiate it. Since then she has said she is not passionately in love with me. I don�t know if makes a difference but that is how it was said.

Reasons never gave any specific only that she couldn�t take it anymore. Which would lead me to make some assumptions, my actions or lack thereof. Not enough help around the house (I did very little inside house work), my stupidity with stonewalling and saying I�m going to leave to try to get here to come towards me, not helping with the kids school work.

Changes in her�
She started working out almost 4yrs ago with a friend from work, had some work done. Is more concerned about finances now, seems to be trying to do everything herself. She does not go out in the evenings or anything like that. She will occasionally go do stuff with some work friends but even that will get put off if there is something that involves the kids. (Like their home work didn't get done) Sometimes it will be because the house isn't clean

ADD � Yea I�ve often wondered if I am. Seems to be somewhat of a consistency in our kids with some attention in schools and stuff. I do feel a lack of being able to focus especially now but don�t know.

Change the dynamics
I started helping with the school work and trying to be more involved with the school. This has led to some disagreement s and disbelief and in some cases I have backed off where I should have held my ground. This is one area I am not consistent enough in.
We have been working on the house but it came to pretty much a stand still around the beginning of summer. A lot of it is time but the other is I am waiting for a decision on she wants. I need to take a more active role here and give choices so that it can get done.
Went back to school as much for her as for me. It was a promise I made before we were married to get through college. Now I need it to get closer to home no matter which way this ends up.
Have started doing more house work.
Have started cooking more again, but it seems no one is around to eat and they all want something different.

I am not doubting my W on what I said or didn�t say. There seems to be a lot of things I do not remember. It seems that short term is especially bad and has been for quite a while. I can be upstairs at a meeting at work and by the time I get to my office downstairs with no one interrupting me my thought are lost.

I guess I look at it from her perspective and that I didn�t do so much of it before and now it looks fake.

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Since then she has said she is not passionately in love with me. I don�t know if makes a difference but that is how it was said.

Yes, it makes a difference. She can love a relative or good friend. She can only be in love with one man at a time. Those in-love feelings is what she's calling "passionate". How was the sex? Who initiated? How did she kiss you? Are you having sex now, or has it completely shut down?

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Not enough help around the house (I did very little inside house work),

Are these your assumptions? I don't understand why men want to believe housework will save their MR. I see it all the time here on the board. Something is either very wrong with this younger generation of women.....or the men have been led to believe what women's lib threw at them. IDK, maybe it's both. However, there is something that hasn't changed.....and that's what makes a woman tick.

If a woman is attracted and feeling in love with her H, she isn't going to leave the M due to him not helping the kids with homework or him not doing housework. My H never.....ever helped one of our kids with homework! The only time he cooked or did any kind of housework was when I was in bed sick. I had an affair. Guess how much was due to him not working around the house or helping with school work? Zero!

We hear of women throwing those false excuses around when they are displeased with how things are going, before the bomb drop. However, when it comes to her actually walking away from the M, mostly they use this excuse when they are covering the real reason they want out. If that's the best excuse a wife can give, then the H must be a pretty good guy! You have brought up about the housework, cooking, and school homework....although she hasn't said that was her reason.

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She will occasionally go do stuff with some work friends but even that will get put off if there is something that involves the kids. (Like their home work didn't get done) Sometimes it will be because the house isn't clean

Let me ask something. Did she complain about not getting to go out or do stuff b/c of the house not being clean....or the homework not done? Was that her way of letting you know that YOU had not done all of it, and now SHE couldn't leave to do what she wanted?

No more cooking and housework, trying to save the M. Okay?

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Change the dynamics
I started helping with the school work and trying to be more involved with the school. This has led to some disagreement s and disbelief and in some cases I have backed off where I should have held my ground. This is one area I am not consistent enough in.

JMHO, but I don't necessarily see helping the kids with homework and being more involved with school as being a dynamics changer. Others may disagree. To me, it's more about your interrelationship with her. I realize that the things you've mentioned can have a snowball effect on a MR. Personally, I would not think it would be top priority in saving a M, at this point. I just don't see a M breaking, or being saved, based on school homework. You can do it to help your kids, but not to please her.

So, to get away from the homework, can you tell me what kind of relationship you and W had when you were first married? Which one was the pleaser? Which one was the giver and which the taker in the relationship? Did she dish it out and you took it, or the other way around? Which one worked on the MR harder? Who made plans and wanted to do special things to celebrate? Who was the romantic one?
Who was the peacemaker? Who would apologize first? It's more along these lines we need to know, to give us a better picture of the MR.

What do you do to get a life? How often? Have you started doing any new things? How much does all the "work" burden you down?

BTW, do you work outside of the home, or are you a SAHD?

The sex was good but infrequent. Up until the end it was almost exclusively initiated by me but just three weeks before the BD she was asking me. I think she was really trying but what I was not doing was too much.
Kissing I hate to say was almost only during sex and not always. None since 3 weeks before BD

She did say I never helped around the house for years. Would complain about it not getting enough help. She also works full time in a high stress job that puts people�s lives on the line. I don�t believe that house work will save my marriage just maybe help lower her stress level.
I don�t think she was throwing around excuses but more trying to get me involved with the kids, that was the most important thing to her. I will say that looking back I always had an excuse to not get involved work, sports, yardwork, never coached any of my kid�s teams.
I don�t think I am a pretty good guy, I know better and neglected the things that meant most to me mostly due to inaction. If I was unsure I would delay or put off and hope it went away or someone else took it over.

What she complained about was when she started going out with her friends from work I always complained about not getting to go. I don�t think it is a case of her not being able to leave and do what she wanted. She will spend the first part of almost every day off cleaning the house, she really wants it spotless or she feel no one can come over. All of her friends have immaculate houses with beautiful landscaping and ours is not. I used to keep it up but then I stopped doing little things and it got out of control.

Actually helping with the homework has been the catalyst I needed all along to forge that relationship with our kids that just happens. She has always had it and I always wondered how it came so easily.

When we were first married I wish I could remember. Those along with others just seem to be missing and hurt the most. I am not sure what you mean by the pleaser, the giver would have been her and I would take everything. I would say she worked on the MR harder. I would always want to do special things but would not plan more I would want it to just happen. She is definitely the peacemaker but I was always the one to say I�m sorry not necessarily her. She probably said it thru her actions it was just not what I was looking for and would miss it.

Went back to school 2 night a week
Go to the gym 3-5 days a week
Started running
Have a weekly event for my son and I.

How much does the work burden me? My job quite a bit. I have a new project that is going to take an enormous amount of time both inside the job and outside at home. A lot of reading and configuring learning new materials. When finished it will be good but the stress is very high.
No I work 5 days a week with a commute that needs to change. Hour plus in ea direction longer on Fridays.

Just a question to the vets. Can I say to her that I get to decide when its over or do I just keep to myself? If to myself I really need to have someone to talk to.

Keep it to your self. You do not need to tell her you thoughts on the M right now. Also, that comes across as being controlling. A rule of thumb that I am starting to use is if I am not sure (I have to ask)then it probably is not a good idea to say it. You will see people saying STFU.

Thanks,
I really stepped in it today. Should have told her last week about a contractor I had contacted about some repairs but didnt get a chance. She then contacted a different person at the place and scheduled them to come out. Well tje other person there must have said they were waiting for a response from me and cancelled the appt she made for today.

She was upset I didnt say anything to her and was telling me it was my fault.

Sandi,

[quote]Today for example I brought up the R even tho I knew I shouldn't and got exactly what I knew was coming. Just a steel cold stare. I told her it was not what I wanted and she just looked at me and said you said this was the only way you would stay. quote]

after sleeping on it and thinking back I still am not sure what I agreed to but I remember we were talking and she was saying that she knew I wanted a romantic relationship and that she did not. When she said that I kind of just shut down and tried to end the conversation as quickly as I could. She might have even said something about separating and I said no and just agreed to live like that. It is not what I wanted but I didn't stand up for myself.

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Just a question to the vets. Can I say to her that I get to decide when its over or do I just keep to myself? If to myself I really need to have someone to talk to.

No, you don't need to say it to her. Most women that have any spunk at all, would see that remark as a challenge, and she'd be bent on just showing you who decides when it's over. If you need to talk to someone....then talk to us.

To me, telling yourself you get to decide when it's over, means when it's over for you. If she's a WAW or WW, then for her the M is already over. She doesn't get to decide for you, just like you don't get to decide for her.

Please give us some information about your W, the MR, some history......just anything.

Sandi,
I just can't seem to get details everything is just foggy if that makes sense.
Our marriage was good or so I thought up until 3 years ago. Since then I had opportunities but just didn't do anything or the right things. From what I see she is WAW no affairs for either of us and she does not go out even now.

I just think the stress of kids, finances and neglect took their toll on her. Like I said earlier after the first BD almost 3 yrs ago she still came back and said she really did love me I just didn't find the help I needed.
History
Married mid 20's first kid a few years later a second right after then 7 yrs and the lat 8yrs after that. She was upset when she got pregnant that last time and even mentioned not going thru with it. Maybe that is where it all started.

She has questioned the marriage in the last 6 months saying it was just the next thing to do and that we were too young. I don't know I just saw this as a rough patch and once the kids were thru college things would get better. I guess I just looked ahead and ignored what I didn't want to see because that would be failure on my part.

Even with my screw ups yesterday and not communicating with her she still doesn't ask me to leave or tell me she wants a divorce. I just don't see how she accepts this as it is and we live together as we are married but if you look under the cover nothing is moving.
I realize she is not with the marriage anymore but I don't know if its too late to build something new. Don't know where to start or even how to start.

I read so many stories on here and see all the pain and turmoil we are all going thru and can�t stop but wonder (wish) that maybe my situation has some hope. I have been in the current state of this situation for a year now and I feel fortunate in comparison to others (maybe false hope I don�t know). I still live with my wife we get along well sleep in the same bed no talk of divorce or selling the house or anything like that. The issue is she does not want a relationship or at least the one we had. Maybe she is willing to sacrifice these years of her life for the sake of the children and when they are older then it will be the physical separation and all will be over.

Maybe she is DBing me, sometimes I wonder how it all seems so earily similar to what I read. I had all or a lot of the traits of a WAS but it seems the table turned and she became one. I was out getting a life for the 5-10 years leading up to the BD. Spending hours every sat & sun and at least 2-3 other days of the week pursuing my stuff while she was at home with the kids and working. I just think I was so stupid when I look back on how I could have easily taken a different path and had everything now.

I am easily irritated
I go quite if I don�t get my way
I don�t finish what I�ve started
I didn�t spend enough time with my kids
I didn�t spend enough time with my wife

I want to find a way back but am worried this will just be another thing I don�t finish. Right now I need to do something about the anxiety as it is affecting me in ways that if it I don�t get it under control soon there will be no path back.

I really need a change, go somewhere, meet some people anything. It is just consuming me now the way things are.

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I just saw this as a rough patch and once the kids were thru college things would get better. I guess I just looked ahead and ignored what I didn't want to see because that would be failure on my part.

So you were going to sit and do nothing for 18, or so, years? I sure hope you've changed your mind at that ^^^ working out for ya.

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I still live with my wife we get along well sleep in the same bed no talk of divorce or selling the house or anything like that.

Is she intimate with you? Does she kiss you on the mouth? I mean, really kiss you?

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The issue is she does not want a relationship or at least the one we had. Maybe she is willing to sacrifice these years of her life for the sake of the children and when they are older then it will be the physical separation and all will be over.

Maybe you need to know what she's willing to do. If she wanted a better R with you, don't you believe she attitude and actions would let you know? Don't you believe she would have told you she wanted a better R, when she dropped the bomb?

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I am easily irritated
I go quite if I don�t get my way
I don�t finish what I�ve started
I didn�t spend enough time with my kids
I didn�t spend enough time with my wife

What actions have you done to change those things you listed?

How old are your kids now?

No, It wasn't 18 years we talking about only 2 years. Something was off and I just thought once the finical stress of college was gone it would get better.

There is no intimacy anymore. Over a year.

Relationship friend zone at best. She said she still likes doing things with me. But she says she knows I want a passionate relationship and she is not passionately in love with me. When she DB she said she didn't know what she wanted and even said that she didn't say she never wanted to try again. But that was all in the first 2 months. She said she needed space and I never gave her enough and I think she just shut down.

I am easily irritated
I go quite if I don�t get my way
I don�t finish what I�ve started
I didn�t spend enough time with my kids
I didn�t spend enough time with my wife

That is why I am spiraling now. I thought I was making progress towards these but I look back now and it is not much.
The only one I think I have made real progress on is spending more time with the kids specifically the youngest.

kids 2 are out of college, 1 HS, 1 GS

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The only one I think I have made real progress on is spending more time with the kids specifically the youngest.

And how much of the time spent with the kids are around her?

Well she is in the house.
But the time spent is usually without here in the room. Mostly reading, playing games with him. I will take him to the park and it will just be the two of us. The older ones have their lives and would rather be out with their friends than dad. I can understand that and will still try to get them to go to the movies or such.

If I cant talk to friends or family about this who can I talk to? The loneliness is killing me. A huge part of me has doed and I just dont know how to restart.

You can talk to friends and family. You don't seem able to write much in your post, so you need to have someone.

The advice about friends/family was b/c sometimes the LBH starts getting too much advice from too many sources and it can confuse the H or cause him to feel pressure. However, if you need someone, turn to the one you trust the most.

there isn't much to write about now. I should have been here a year ago when things were still unsettled. Now it seems she has accepted this is how it is and she is content. I can not do anything to change it and now I feel as if I am just letting go. My days are get up go to work and come home. Coming home the only thing I have to look forward to is my youngest and even that took a hit the other day

He out of the blue said I wish you and mommy were divorced. It was not out of anger or anything like that it was so that he could have two houses one being closer to his friend from school that lives in the next town over.

Anyway it just seems that everything is stopped right now, no work on the house no work on me no work on the marriage. Maybe going back to school was too much and now I have put the final nails in the coffin. I find the commute to very hard and lonely 2-1/2 hrs every day thinking of where I went wrong and that if I had only stopped for just a second a year ago maybe things would be different. I need to make a difference in something for myself but just don't know where to begin.