http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2602796&page=11Link to old thread.
Hi NDY
That is interesting about the L. I'm off to get a new bank account tomorrow, so will see if I can get an appointment.
I came home with a sheaf of questions I wanted to ask about provision for schools etc. but when I got in, I noticed that my SD had been crying and W was sat on the setee looking blankly in to space. Decided to have a STFU smoothie for tonight.
TBH, I've been up since about 0145, so I'm knackered. I think that can wait for another day. I notice she has been looking at the letter I sent her at the very start of this sad event. It has been in the same place since she read it the first time and now it's been moved. I can see it, as it's beside the cooker. I guess things are hitting her, but I can't wait for her, otherwise I'll be homeless, so plan in action for bank account and then will start looking at flats in the next week (can't look sooner as I need the new account to set up the payments).
Right, bath to run for my babies!
Hi mate
Ok, you sound stronger and that's good. With SD, id let her know you are there for her if she wants to talk but leave it to her to want to talk to you. Also, those questions you have are probably legitimate. So I'd get them written down and arrange to discuss with your WAW.
Be prepared though. She's most likely going to hit you with bat sh!t crazy answers. No smoothies here. You have a right to know how your children will be provided for. But don't argue. Take a wonka lesson and treat it like business. Make notes if necessary.
Then get house hunting and that's now your business, not hers. You'll need an agreement in principal from your lender if you intend to buy. You will also need an interim agreement before the missives can be concluded (Scots Law).
You may also want to consider a plan for the kids staying with you and discuss this with your L. When my WW left with S10 my WW's lawyer was making noises about me vacating here and her and S10 moving back. My L pointed out a few 'facts' about how my WW was the one causing the disruption to S10's life. It suddenly went quiet. Get my drift?
Morning NDY
Managed to sleep until 0345 this morning! Hurrah (sort of).
Came down from bath last night and my W had been crying on the setee. No idea what about, but her eyes were red and she had streaks down her face. I informed her we had a couple of emails from estate agent about fees and one from a fund that my S gets due to his disablement. I asked her what she wanted to do. She said 'I don't know what to do'. Well, I don't know what you want anymore, so, it's up to you. I told her to let me know when she'd decided.
I chatted to my SD, keeping her informed that I'd seen a property to rent on the internet, that was near a train station, that meant she could continue going to her college, albeit, she would have to pay her fares. It's a nice two bed and has enough room for bunks for the kids when they stay. Off to get a bank account sorted out today for myself so I can start moving stuff about. It's up to SD, but I will honour my responsibilities.
W was also awake at 0345 this morning. I heard her coughing, shuffling etc. Is she at the bottom yet? No, but she's on her way. I noticed she'd been looking at property near her parents. It's all out of her price range and as she is essentially a SAHM, she has no income. What a mess.
Well you're doing the right thing getting your ducks in a row. This is about you and the kids now. Your WAS has to go on her own journey but there is no avoiding the fact that the house is now sold and you both will need to sort that out no matter what.
Don't make assumptions.....they tend to come to bite us in the ass. If W gets a job or rich OM or wins lottery she could afford it. I know that logically she can't. At the end of the day it is her problem and only concerns you in relation to how it affects your kids.
Maybe W is up s&@t creek and is not happy with her prospects.But maybe she prefers that to being with you. This is not a reflection on you, but where she is at in her thinking. Again this is out of your hands.
Just for curiosity after house sale is agreed, ye have how much time to change your mind and pull out?
Have you accepted as a fact that she is taking your kids away?
Best of luck.
Hi Guys
Yep, W is up that creek. It's up to her to sort it out. Worst case scenario is that the kids would come with me and she would go to her parents, so nobody is without a roof.
You're right Roiste, there is nothing stopping her getting a job at some point, but don't forget my S's disablement. It will be difficult for her to get re-established. It's out of my hands. I will continue to be the lighthouse.
You sure that's the worst case scenario? I mean if you were on your own with the kids can you not get help from the NHS or the council or something?
Probably. I meant that nobody would be without a home. I think W has tried to call whilst I've been off site at a meeting. I'm not going to call back. If it was about the kids she'd have texted.
Bank account sorted for tomorrow, so that's one thing off the depressing list of things I've got to do.
Yip, it's depressing but it's gotta be done. I've had the WW on about the bills again, wanting me to up the money I give her instead of her transferring everything to me. I've stood my ground and now she's in the process of doing this (can you believe she said that she doesn't have time to do this for 'me'. Yes, you read that right. She thinks she's doing this for me. laughable). She's livid, but the point is made.
The reason I'm saying this is that although this will be the most gut wrenching part of the process for you you have to stand firm and do what's right. With a PMA of course.
So, let me just recap here. Your W has left your home, is having a child with another man and she is wanting to keep hold of your money to pay bills for a M she no longer wants to be in? I can't work this out. Maybe it's because the LBS tends to be the one who is being rational throughout, but if I had walked out on my other half, I would be grateful to be relieved of the pressure of paying bills for somewhere I no longer lived.
Flip it on it's head and it could be a feeling of loss on her part. She is maybe realising what she is losing and by cutting her financial ties to the house, makes the prospect of a R with you more distant. I could of course be talking BS and she's just a control freak. It's all bizarre.
mate, it's this:
she's just a control freak
Don't know if you recall on my thread when I described how much control she had managed to exert over me? I didn't realise it until we broke up just how much I had let her walk over me. Ah well, not my turn anymore.
Yes I remember shirts for going out etc. I guess an R is out of the question if she picks up the phone?
She's having another man's baby so I think the chances of that are less than slim.
Put it this way. Mr Bond, Sandi2 and Co always press on about the NC rule should the WW want to work on the R, even to the point of changing jobs if they work together because every time the WW sees the OM it's straight back to square one for her. Now imagine bringing up his child. She's going to have to see the OM pretty much every day (or every other day) should they break up.
I understand. I just know, one day, she'll really regret her actions towards you. It's so sad!
I know. I expect today isn't a good day for her and the OM. Still, like I said not my problem. My job is to build a new life for me and S10.
I know this may seem strange at the moment but, apart from her taking the kids so far away (potentially, lets see what your L says) the separation will do you good. It may not look like it now and one day your W may well regret this but for your sake being away from all the cr@p will help with the stress. I really mean that.
Yes. The endless silence and 'walk of eggshells' will be a relief, for sure.
So, decided to ask what care and education plan she has got in place for the children when she goes. This didn't go well. Basically, she hasn't got one. I told her that was highly irresponsible and that I wasn't happy and we needed to talk about it.
W then said she didn't want to talk. I said that wasn't an option. Then it started getting weird. W then said if i'd had left at the start of this, we would probably be OK now, but because I didn't leave (finances) she needed to put space between us and then she might talk. She said everytime I said something 'nasty' to her (she specifically mentioned me saying I hated her the other day; true I regret it and have told her I don't hate her, but what she's doing)it made her not want to consider a R, coming back, or thinking again.
Now, there is two sides to this, I think. There is pure guilt. W has realised that her dream is falling apart and that by blaming me she can deflect the fear that is pulling her to the bottom. The other option is that she really is torn and as we're both hurting, everything we say is being misinterpreted.
So, I can see a bright side here. She's thinking. My plan carries on however. I have my SD to look after.
Well we're only human and we all make mistakes. The past is the past and it's the here and now that matters. Remember the nothing of what they say 50% of what they do mantra.
Look, I'm not saying things COULD have been different if you left but at the same time they could also have been worse. After BD I did leave for a bit. Gave her the space to think and yea, she made her mind up and it was NOT in my favour. So neither you or your W knows how that would have turned out. And of course it deflects the responsibility back onto you so she's still in full entitlement mode.
Yes, I agree with NDY about the deflection (perhaps if you had left we could have worked things out.) You are a couple and both bear some responsibility. And as NDY says....who knows how that might have gone!!
The thing that stood out for me was her saying whenever you say things like 'I hate you' it confirms I'm doing the right thing. I know emotions are running high, but do try to keep doing 'what works' and avoid the things that drive more of a wedge between you.
It sounds like you are doing well dealing with the realities of the situation. And I think you are right to query arrangements for the kids - for their sake. However, calling her 'completely irresponsible' is going to be another thing that makes her feel 'I'm right to go.' If you need to discuss arrangements for the children, do so calmly and without judgement of blame. If you aren't happy with something of course you can say - but use 'I' statements (I'm unhappy with that) as opposed to 'you' statements (you're completely irresponsible.)
I agree, your W may be contemplating some reality now, so take care to DB to a tee....re-read the rules and make sure your approach fits with them.
Take care, Sotto :-)
Hi NDY/Sotto
Yeah, my emotions are still a bit edgy, but I think I'm doing my best to keep a lid on it and just concentrate on practical matters.
I really regret the 'I hate you' thing, but, I was in a panic on Tuesday and I was saying from emotion not thought. We all know how difficult it is to just keep our hat on in this phase.
Yes, I feel she is still in 'poor old me' mode and using guilt at me helps her think less about her lack of forward planning. Tough times at the minute. W also had the audacity to say that 'we' were making SD homeless! Arrgghh!!!! It's a good job my brain is still on function mode, not dipsy la la mode!
I've got to say I'm exhausted. I've gone back to nightmares/4 to 5 hours sleep and with working full time and all the nonsense that's going on, I feel I'm running on empty. I'm going to have a week off with the kids during the autumn hols (W is taking them to her parents for the first week) to try and get some rest.
Huddy you are so much stronger than I am I know you said you would give your right are for having a meal out ....it was just lunch yes we talk but I am heading down friend street and not sure this is what I want
I think it is good that your w is thinking about the developing events
Stay strong
Ghost
You are doing well.
Reread validating too.
I am sure she knows you offered SD a roof. Maybe she was testing. Maybe. Lot of things. Mindreading is a waste of your energy.I take it as positive signs but no expectations.
Meet ndy asap, it'll do you good. Do no harm to W if you dissappearfor a bit too!
Rosite is right, so is Sotto.
The way you need to think about this is that the interaction from now on are purely business. Sure, I let my emotions get the better of me at times as well. Like I said were only human but you should think of your immediate objectives.
The house is sold. Where are you and the kids (should they all need to stay with you) going to live?
If you are with the kids (get that freaking lawyer) how are you going to get help with S?
If she does leave with the kids, and she probably will, what are the schooling/ help with S provisions? You have a right to know. And if she doesn't have an answer you be prepared with YOUR answers if the kids stay with you.
Get your ducks in a row. If she doesn't have a plan that's her issue. At the moment you have to think about you and the kids without her. This is important.
Plan is in motion. New bank account opened for me. Job 1 done. GAL activity booked for two weeks time (just a day away, but it'll give me a break). Week off work booked for third week in October - I need a rest! Look at flats (apartments) next week and get tenancy agreement sorted (had to wait until I had my own bank account).
W now saying 'if I go' in most sentences. Decided this is probably crumbs right now to see if I fold in and start begging again. I'm not that man anymore! Until she says she is recommitting to the M, and we are a proper couple/family, I plan to carry on as described.
Hi Huddy. I've being following your sitch and your doing great. It's an unbelievable hard , gut wrenching time but your last post was fantastic to read
Print it out and keep it , the whole thing is in that post , you recognised crumbs , you didn't react , brilliant !!!
The DB way works , it often doesn't feel like it but it does Whatever the outcome ( and I'm sending positive thoughts for the right one for Huddy and his kids ) you are becoming so much stronger
Take care mate. Rd
Huddy. Well done mate. You did really well there. Keep this up. Rooting for you.
I'll help out with some rental info on Monday if you want to give me some areS to look into. I can tell you prices and how long they stay up for etc so that you can get and edge. There are portals you should set up alerts with and keep checking your emails for when they come on. It might be something to seriously consider taking a tenancy before the house exchanges hands. When do you hand over the keys?
Hi Folks
Some posts from yesterday have only just come online. Apologies if I haven't answered them!
Thanks rd. It's pointless arguing the same points over and over again with her, so, just batten down and get on with getting 'me' in order. I can worry about R another day.
Thanks NDY. I'm looking in West Edinburgh. I've been looking on Zoopla and there are over 200 properties available, but I'm happy to look at Mid/East Lothian. As you know EH is expensive, but at least I won't have the commuting costs.
Plan is to be in before moving date, so that looks like being 4 December, so, the ones I looked at the other day are entry for 30 November and 4 December, so, I'm not planning on hanging around. As I say, I was just waiting for bank account to be set up. I'd have to use my flexible friend for deposit until house proceeds are dealt with, but that's not a problem.
Huddy
You are doing incredably well you are DB and I know how hard this is but you are really doing amazing your last post really does show how far you have come
Take care
Ghost
Hi mate. Get on rightmove, S1 homes and onthemarket as well. Let me just say if you are looking around west Edinburgh those go fast. Very fast. I'll get you stats and areas to look at when I get back to work. I can also provide rental agents in that area that you can register with so that you get notification before they go to the general public.
What district do you work in? I can expand this out to Lothian for you. There are some nice spots around there but obviously not as nice as Edinburgh.
If you do end up in the capital your old mate NDY will be traveling through for a night out or three:-)
Got home. Can you believe she's made tea to celebrate the fact we don't have to show anybody else around. As she has no housing alternatives in Scotland she has decided to move to her parents, 230 miles away. I asked her if this is what she really wanted and she said it was.
I told her I couldn't forgive her for taking my children away and that I hated her. OK, my emotion took over here, I was wrong - very wrong for shouting, but I'm dying here. I asked what my 'crime' was that she wanted to break our marriage up and she said 'we just go around in circles. I told you at the start I just don't find you physically attractive anymore'.
NDY, I reminded her that in Scotland I have a right to determine where my children live and that I have automatic 50/50 rights over access. She said her L told her as we are in the same country (the UK) she could take the kids where she wanted. Sadly, I'm skint, so can't get a lawyer, so don't know where to turn.
I'm desperately trying to keep a good, confident approach here, but fear I am going to slip soon. I don't know what else to do. Maybe I shouldn't have told her I hate her, but, I will if she takes my kids away.
Melting here. So upset. Want to cry, but don't want her to know that.
dude - still trying to catch up one where this bombshell baby is going. hey wrt the e kids - i believe australian law would be very similar - her L is right in that she probably can move IF she is sole carer. IF this was all old hat, and the court had previously ordered her primary custody, and you had weekends access for example, then the onus would be on her to prove to the court that moving was beneficial to their interests above maintaining proximity to the co-parent making access possible. i HAVE reviewed REAL cases where the proposed move would reasonably preclude access to the father (i.e. 2 hrs drive away) and the move was denied by the court.
however - you are in the same boat as me, in that a standing order does not yet even exist. SO - in my case, my wife can move and take the kids IF she is awarded primary carer status. However, her claim for this is totally lacking evidence - basically because it is untrue. The only time it has been true was when she had 11 mths maternity leave with each child. Even then it was never true for both kids at the same time. Given our kids are young, this represents a significant proportion off their lives though. However, even assuming that she did act as primary carer of the older in maternity leave of the second, this still only represents 40% of the time until January 2015. Since then we have both been 100% carer, 50% of the time. It is almost irrelevant that she was primary carer on maternity leave as a) God gave her breasts, b) The government legislates comprehensively for mothers to apply for and immediately get maternity leave from their employ, c) she was only able to have maternity leave because I supported her financially and everything else that wasn't the kids (even cooking dinner etc).
YOUR kids are older, so this is probably in your favour in respect of care. Did she work? If she did it is clear cut. Also - they can speak up, and will be "evaluated" before the judge rules on who gets primary custody, AND is the move in their best interests. It is not enough to claim it is interests to move - which BTW is all my wife has even testified.
do the kids have school, care arrangements in the current community? Moving would be disruptive in the first instance.
Also, over here the court has two mandates 1) the best interests of the child. 2) make the order to minimise the couple returning to court in the future.
over here they do also have the long term view of equal shared care is best for everybody. For very young kids this gets complicated because developmentally, attachment issues are better dealt with when there is only one parent to be attached to. it is fairly common though here for the other to go back to court once the kids are both school age and ask for, and get, more access on these grounds.
one of my many many many arguments, aside from the mother having encouraged "clinginess" to her and me having encouraged their social development in preference, is that we have already in the last 9 months hurdled this issue and awarding her primary custody to facilitate her convenience ONLY, would only serve as a step backwards in this long long road of co-parenting.
Stats will show that mothers get primary custody in 91% of cases (here), where there are children involved in a D. However, in 50% the father doesn't even object, in 30% the father capitulates in mediation. Only 4% make it into court, and only 1.5% go to final hearing.
in short, mothers always seem to get custody because the fathers don't fight it - for whatever reason. all that said, the mothers still do win the majority of the time because they ARE the primary carers, not because they are the mother. Although that is a social norm and whilst we are (as a society) struggling with equal opportunity and affirmative action, especially for women in the work place - i feel this is a justification, or an excuse, for anti-feminism and even misogyny. this crap of removing gender bias based on both genders deserving equal rights, as if they are the same - i have no argument that women are not as capable in most situations but there are biological differences for [censored] sake that will always give the mother the upper hand when it comes to custody.
should we strive for equality at the expense of nurturing our young with evolutionary superior breast milk and removing the inescapable role of "primary carer"? should we strive for equality and employ a forced quota of females in ministry or on boards?
why is the answer to the latter debatable and the former an obvious "no". Because even as fathers we want to preserve the best interests of our children. I will be devastated if I "lost" my children, but I would be understanding and accepting if my STBX was genuinely acting on her belief in preserving the best interests of the children. She is absolutely not. behind the courts back she is STILL arguing for me to follow her and have 50/50. Every point in her testimony is about me, me, me. argggghhh - move on, its making me sick.
anyway - more to catch up on re: this baby sitch.
phew - no baby then?
sometimes i read articles oh the "extreme" case out of interest or to see how they deal with this extreme case.
Huddy - this all seems so [censored] up. not attracted to you is her only reason? this i would doubt is usually impetus sufficient for this destruction.
MIL, SIL considered - i have been waiting for the other shoe to drop for several months now, as i am sure you have, and it just isn't there? menopausal, MLC? who knows?
you'll get through this mate, and the sun for you on the other side of the hill is untainted. As soon as you get over the hill, nothing but rolling fields. Our WASs - another story, not our concern either. I have been "chatting" with a girl i met recently, and I tell you what - something my IC said to me months ago, a question really, "Do you think your heart grows and love is made stronger" (sic) more pure "after getting over this". And in these very premature moments with other girl, even non-existent actually, I can feel the love in my heart AND it IS stronger and more PURE, it is evolved, upgraded. LOVE2.0.
WRT your kids - make it known about W's behaviour, sending SD to the wall and you being the one to save her. I have similar evidenced examples with my W and I am consoled by "how could any reasonable person read all of this and STILL give her custody". Many in the system have agreed with me, but also warned, "judges aren't always reasonable".
Huddy I posted on your old thread - trying to catch up on baby. I'm still unclear - is your W or NDY's having a baby with OM?
Morning all
Thanks NDY. I will be looking at all those sites and would welcome your intel.
Hi Py
I thought you'd gone in to the bush! I read what you said on smoothy's thread and your STBXW seems deluded. Just how can a court system see that as anything else? I'm sure when Mr Ukraine gets his visa he'll be offski!
No, no baby for me, that's my old mate NDY's dreadful situation. Mine looks like good old MLC. As I say, she's on her way to the bottom now, so, she's saying things like 'when we get distance, we'll talk'. Complete bull$hit as she's had six months to put her mind in the right frame. Is is really worth destroying everything? She also says I'm being 'nasty' to her. I'm not. I've bent over backwards to be pleasant etc., but she's been the one to throw the bombs. The thing is, if she goes to her parents, I'm not sure how long I'd wait before pushing along.
Keep well in Australia. Your summer is on it's way; the bitter chill of autumn has just begun here!
It started pleasant enough. W came back from her hairdressing appointments. She said 'alright' when she came in. OK, she hasn't done that from the start.
W made herself a cup of tea and sat down beside me. She queried if I'd been to see the flat (apartment) yet. I told her it would be in the next couple of days. I asked her what her plan was. Then it started getting bizarre, again. W said she 'wasn't leaving'. So, I asked what she meant by that. W replied 'well, I'm not leaving the area, but I am leaving you, it's too late'.
Now, at this point, I should have had a STFU smoothie, but I just fell in to the trap for a moment. I asked what she meant. W said 'We haven't talked'. I told her we could talk now, if she wanted. That's when she planted the 'blame' on me, again. 'We never talked' she said. I said I didn't understand what she means and she said 'I've been hiding things for a while'. For some reason, sandi2's rules popped back in my head. I wanted to defend myself and to ask more questions, but I decided to STFU and cook the kids tea.
So, I don't know what she's doing, or where she's going. Looking at sandi2's rules, we have all the classic ingredients here. The talking in absolute negatives; the blame game; the looking to see if I was going to beg again for one last chance. Well, I didn't, but I see it as a temp check. She kind of got me a bit (obviously, my end goal is to get our M back on track)but I managed to see it before it spiraled out of control.
Cooked the kids tea and when I took it in to the living room, W had returned to slouching on the setee, looking sad and staring in to the wilderness again. Think she's a bit away from the bottom yet. Plan still goes ahead.
Hi Huddy. It's amazing to see the change in your posts You are moving on with Huddy and what's best for your kids. Now when you post you answer your own questions about wife's behaviour , not looking for hope in every word.
Please be warned even when they reach rock bottom they can bounce along it for a long time.
I think the difference you see in W is because she is amazed by the difference in you. She is now questioning if you are done and MAYBE it's worrying her Either way you are dealing with the sitch like a pro. It so hard and feels like the wrong way but it's not.
Stay strong mate. Rd
Thanks rd. I admit, I was still bobbing along a couple of months ago. Yes, I think she is frightened. In fact, she even said so on Thursday when I was talking to her about the education and care plan. Less than two days later, and she's looking for ways to stay 'local'. None of it is making sense but I have to look after myself here.
Reread your first thread and compare yourself to the current Huddy.Brave. a completely different man. Proud of you.
One point. I am not perfect at it and often best I canddo is to stay pleasant and not react negatively.But to me it seemed like a perfect validating opportunity.That can make a huge difference.
Stay strong
Thanks roiste. Not gonna lie, this has been a $hit week. The thought of not seeing my kids every day scares me to death. I am a practical man though, so I'm not gonna get jerked about until I'm homeless, whilst W buggers about mind juggling day in day out.
I daren't read my first posts. I bet I sound like an out and out penis!
I can understand that, but now there seems a chance that they won't be far. But we know at this stage to believe nothing.
No you were not a p... but you are definitely better now.
Yes stick to doing what needs to be done.Don't get sucked into the maybe/what if game. Cross bridges when they arise.
Thanks for keeping us informed
Huddy I hope she does stay close tbh I hope she comes to her senses but as you say cannot believe too muchof what they say
Take care
Ghost
I think the difference you see in W is because she is amazed by the difference in you. She is now questioning if you are done and MAYBE it's worrying her Either way you are dealing with the sitch like a pro. It so hard and feels like the wrong way but it's not.
Stay strong mate. Rd
I was thinking along these lines when I read your post - if you have taken her momentum and control away by making your own plans. She's lost control of the situation.
Personally, I think you should take charge about the children and not allow her to take them away. She has demonstrated that she is highly uncertain about her future and plans, and the kids need stability right now.
Hi Guys
Thanks for dropping by.
Painter
The difficulty is that in the eyes of the law, W is the 'main carer' for my kids (funny, I go to work every day to bring home enough money to look after everybody, but I'm not considered) so statistically I'm on a loser here. As I can't get a straight answer out of her as to where she's going, I can wait a while to act.
Got a black sack this morning and started putting old clothes in for recycling. It's one less job to do and I'm planning on packing up my stuff next week, whilst W is away with the kids at her parents. OK, so nothing odd in that, you'd think. I brought the back downstairs and left it on the landing, near the door, ready to take to the clothes recycling bin. W nearly did a spin out of the Exorcist when she saw the bag and the look on her face was one of sheer shock.
I walked past her, smiled and said nothing. W made herself a cup of tea and sat at the dining table. By now she was frantically pulling at her hair. I started to make dinner for the kids when she just shot up, went upstairs and disappeared for 30 minutes. I have no idea what she was doing.
W then came down and started asking about the contents of the bag. I told her it was for the recycling and left it at that. Still on her way to the bottom!
Huddy. This is where you have to be strong. Unless your W is a psychopath she will be very upset ANYWAY even if she no longer want to be married to you.
My analogue for this is stars. Your looking at W , she's sad -- a star , she's wondering what your doing -- a star , etc , etc. what you need to see is a planet. W coming to you to talk about M and offering to make it work.
This is my humble opinion. The day my W left she sat mext to me for two hours sobbing and completely distraught. A week later she called me at work and cried on the phone for an hour This carried on for 8 months and only when she told me that OM slept in her bed ( but they aren't sexual !!!! ) did I refuse to talk about us and I told her not to text me anything sad. I still get the occasional one
Your W needs to see what life is like without you or else she could comeback and you could be back here again one day. I typed my W a long text 2 months ago and explained that instilled loved her and then sent it to myself
Your in such a tough sitch but all you can control is you and you seem to be doing that brilliantly.
Stay strong mate. Rd
huddy,
there is this Toni Collette movie where she's the Mum and they have a violent autistic son and one of the other kids is complaining to the dad and he responds "Well, your mother reckons God gave Charlie to us because we can deal with it". Think of it that way my friend, this shitty situation you are in, who else could deal with it so well? pat yourself on the back mate.
-py
Huddy
The difficulty is that in the eyes of the law, W is the 'main carer' for my kids (funny, I go to work every day to bring home enough money to look after everybody, but I'm not considered) so statistically I'm on a loser here. As I can't get a straight answer out of her as to where she's going, I can wait a while to act.
Meaningless is Scotland mate. Get a lawyer. You will find that you have far more rights than you currently think. Both Painter and I are in agreement here. Get yourself set up for you and all the kids. If you have a plan in place for the. And your W doesn't, trust me. That will look favourable on you. Get a plan.
Thanks guys for all the words of encouragement. L is next on list after setting up new home.
Picked my SD up from her boyfriends today. She told me that W hasn't decided what she's doing yet. I didn't let on what W has said over the past few days. Huddy 2.0 is ready but he's not just going to let W 1.0 walk back in without something changing.
Mate. Can I just say that you need a lawyer now. Not later. You can't sell your house without an interim agreement. You can't wait Huddy. You need to instruct a lawyer now. You don't have an option.
I would agree with NDY worth getting a L as soon,as posable
Know your rights you might be pleasantly surprised
Your w does show signs of not really knowing what she is going to do
Take care
High five scuba dive ...fist pump
Thanks guys for all the words of encouragement. L is next on list after setting up new home.
NDY knows more about the laws there that I will ever do, but you are making big decisions and starting a trajectory without the advice of a L. A L comes before a new place to live, because your L may have input that will influence what you do. This is when you use your emergency credit card, borrow from your sister or brother or best friend, take up a loan or sell something - anything, to get legal advice before it's too late and you've done something irreversible. And see several, preferably - sometimes they will let their attitudes influence their advice and you want one who works your way.
Who told you that W is seen (and by who?) as the 'main carer'?
You could find out a lot even in the first visit to the L, Huddy. There is to much on the line to wing it and your hand could be strengthened. Just saying, good luck.
Yes, L is important, but being homeless is more so. NDY, I see what you mean about properties going quick. I have phoned for three today and only one is available! Going to see that tonight. I have let W know I'll be home late, by text, so she can start bathing kids etc.
Huddy, mate. I cannot stress this enough.
You cannot sell your house without a L. And I don't mean a conveyancing L I mean a divorce L. If there is no interim agreement the house cannot be sold. This isn't something you can wait on now. Honestly mate. You REALLY cannot delay any longer or your W could take you to the cleaners and there isn't a darn thing you can do about it.
Hope it is helpful.But it is necessary.Good for you.
When W asks where you were don't tell her. Just say you were organising some stuff for when the house sells. If she doesn't ask say nothing at all.
As for being homeless I would have thought that it is the sellers that dictate when house is handed over, nit just the buyers wanting it for such a date. Regardless without diminishing the importance of a roof over your head, a L can really help you make the best choices with real info.
Best of luck. Let us know how it goes.
Mmmmm.....SD has come home from college as she's so upset about me looking at a new place. I guess W has told her. Consequences of W's actions are coming home to hurt other people now.
Hi Mate
Some rental agents that operate out of the West of Edinburgh:
Murray & Currie
Professional Property Letting
CMC Residential
Neilsons Solicitors
Your Move (Edinburgh West)
What about the L? This is serious time now mate, skint or not.
Explain to SD that you have to do what needs doing since house is sold.Do not use SD as communication tool with W. Only say what you need to say, without hoping SD communicates with and convinces W of anything.JJust my opinion.
Be sure SD understands and has not been mind zapped by another version of events.
Be the pillar for your family.Be the rock. Be the lighthouse.
I know. I've now got my SD to console as well. I've been awake since 0220 so a bit jaded now, but will get around to it. I'm looking at a property in Tranent (that's where I'm going to view tonight). It's a bit out of town, but I get more for my money and the council tax is a hell of a lot cheaper. I've used City Lets today to get my viewings. Usual speak about 'lots of people being interested' etc. and trying to get me in to group bookings or paying a deposit up front before a viewing. I've seen one at South Gyle which is excellent, but the council tax is nearly £160 per month! I pay less than that now for a four bedroomed townhouse.
I can see this week being as $hitty as last at this rate.
Roiste
Sorry, your response came through as I was replying to NDY.
No plans to get my SD to influence W. That's not my style. W has to see for herself what's going on. My SD is as bewildered by W's behaviour as I am.
Lettingweb are another good company in Edinburgh. Try them as well. Trust me on this though trying to rent in Edinburgh is a pretty tough task.
Yeah. That's why going a bit out of town make sense.
Here are some other areas West of Edinburgh. Different distances and varying quality (don't touch Wester Hails).
Ardmillan
Baberton
Balerno
Balgreen
Barnton
Blackhall (Edinburgh)
Broomhouse (Edinburgh)
Cammo
Carrick Knowe
Chesser
Clermiston
Corstorphine
Cramond
Currie
Dalmahoy
Dalmeny
Dalry (Edinburgh)
Davidsons Mains
East Craigs
Fountainbridge
Gogar
Newbridge (Edinburgh)
Gorgie
Hermiston
Ingliston
Ratho
Ratho Station
Ravelston
Redhall
Roseburn
Saughton
Saughtonhall
Sighthill (Edinburgh)
Slateford
South Gyle
South Queensferry
Stenhouse
Juniper Green
Kingsknowe
Kirkliston
Longstone
Maybury
Murrayfield
Wester Coates
Wester Hailes
Gyle
Turnhouse
West Craigs (Edinburgh)
There are lots there that our well out of my price range. Wester Hailes - the Edinburg eqv. of Beirut on a good day! Off to Tranent in ten minutes; will check in later.
Good luck mate. Keep us posted.
For those of you in the rest of the world, Tranent is a former pit (coal mining/colliery) town in deepest East Lothian. If you look at Edinburgh on a map, it's east, near the coast. There has been a lot of regeneration, but it's still a bit depressed and most people commute in to Edinburgh.
Looking on the web, it looked ideal. Good location (cul de sac), light, airy, modern. I got there and the location was great. It was beside a care home for the elderly, perfect. However, there were people waiting to view when I got there (a single mum, a couple expecting a child and a single woman) and it started to look bad when I could see flies against the window.
When I got inside, I saw why. The kitchen had the remains of the last tenants food left on the cooker, and the place hadn't been cleaned for several months. There were holes in the wall, and wires dangling that had been ripped out. It had all the hallmarks of a repo job.
Things didn't get better upstairs. The previous tenants files and papers were still there and had been distributed on the floor. It was a no from me!
A pretty depressing experience, but I have others booked. When I got home, the kids were jumping all over me when I got in. This, at the moment, really annoys W, as she knows how much it will hurt them if she goes. She said 'alright' to me again, but nothing special. SD asked about flat and I told her.
All in all, my first foray in to renting wasn't wonderful, but it could be worse!
Welcome to the world of renting. That's how it works and its not nice. You have to look beyond the filth and think can I make this a home? Remember, it's temporary but if you remember back in my sitch I said I wouldn't rent? Well this is just one of the reasons why.
But it's only your first viewing so you at least have a standard to avoid. But let me tell you someone will take that flat.
What about buying? You could buy somewhere. Sure, legal fees etc are a pain but it's an option.
Tough when the first one didn't meet expectations but you have time to do entry of looking. NDY seems to have a good few insider tricks to help so you will find something to suit. Persavance !!
Take care. Rd
Hi Guys
NDY - the filth was just the start. It was in a poor state of repair and the 'airy' pictures had obviously been done with lighting. I'm going to up my search area a bit. Can't afford to buy right now, in the timescale. Renting is only temporary, but it's got to feel comfortable.
RD - perseverance. It's like patience. I have to do it.
Unfortunately mate you need to consider the demographic for the prices of the flats you are looking at in the areas you have picked. The lower end of the market are all going to be DSS and not the best neighbors. Looking on my portal there have only been 45 rentals with 2 bedrooms in that area in the last 2 years. The prices are between £500 and £750 a month.
To try and get to the better properties I wouldn't touch anything less than £650 pcm.
If you go up to 3 beds in that area they range from £550 to £800 per month. Now lets be honest here a 3 bed for £550 is going to be a dump. £800 is modest at best. We have only had 13 in the last two years.
It's a minefield and that's why I suggested buying. You say you are skint but there must be equity in your existing house you can use as a deposit?
One more thing. If you see a flat and it's during working hours let me know the details (area, price, bedrooms etc) and I'll give you the info I have.
Thanks NDY. I have three more booked in. 2 are in Musselburgh and one in South Gyle. I also have two more I want to see, but just can't get through on the phone. I am taking a walk out soon to see one of the agents, which is a couple of minutes walk away. One I have seen has been on the market since August, has been reduced three times, but is in Corstorphine. It seems too good to be true!
As sure as the sun rises in the east and sets in the west, I have returned home to find another change of mind from my W!
All of a sudden, she's interested in where I'm planning to rent and if they are furnished or not. I'm looking at both. W wondered if I was taking the setee. It's a big seven seater job, but it's in my name and she didn't want anything to do with it after BD. W - 'Are you taking the setee'; H 'yes, it's mine and I'm paying for it; W 'yeah, like one man needs a seven seat setee on his own. I want it but can't afford it'; H 'sorry about that. If you want the setee, I come with it'. No response from W.
I made the kids tea and then sat down. On the TV was an advert for weight loss surgery. I know W has looked in to this. She turned to me, and for the first time in six months, started a normal conversation about how a teacher at school had had the surgery. I said I thought it was dangerous. W looked at me and said 'do you think I need it', I told her she didn't. We talked a little more and then W told me she had made an appointment to see the council again (here) to discuss housing. I acknowledged and am now running the kids bath.
So, the dynamic is changing (just as sandi2 said it would) but I still have to press on with my plan. I have a couple of viewings tomorrow and one on Thursday. I hope to have it wrapped up by the weekend.
Yip, press on with the plan. I've yet to see Sandi2 be wrong. This is why I suggested a place for you and all the kids. Get that sorted even if they have to share a room for the forseeabke future. She's on her own mate and she needs to realise that.
Hi Bud
The place I'm seeing first tomorrow is at Murrayfield and it has tow big double bedrooms. If need be, it'll be a squeeze, we'd all pile in.
I'd like some info in the morning about prices etc. if you don't mind. No worries if you can't.
I think Ghost might need extra help in the next few days. Where's wonka?
Consider it done mate. Soon as I can I'll post what I can find out.
Yea, where is Wonka. Hope she's OK.
Now, if you were in a naughty frame of mind, you might be saying to your W......well, I'm not planning to occupy that seven seater couch alone!!
Seriously, I'm impressed with your practical frame of mind and I agree that getting somewhere the kids can stay - even if in bunk beds & sharing a room - is key. Your W may be spinning for a while yet, or go back to her original frame or mind, or something else...who knows!
But your plan and current actions to get yourself and the kids sorted is a good one. Best of luck with your property search. xx
Morning Huddy
Quite a bit of data here. Going back two years. I've included the dates they first came on the market and when they came back on the market. Should be able to gleen some intel from this:
mysql> select creation_date,last_live_date, area_display, price, bedrooms from property where area_id = 1187 and sale_or_rent = 'rent' and DATE(creation_date)>=DATE_SUB(NOW(),INTERVAL 2 YEAR) and bedrooms = 2 order by creation_date;
+---------------------+----------------+--------------+-------+----------+
| creation_date | last_live_date | area_display | price | bedrooms |
+---------------------+----------------+--------------+-------+----------+
| 2013-11-22 04:30:33 | 2013-12-10 | Murrayfield | 575 | 2 |
| 2013-11-23 04:33:12 | 2013-12-07 | Murrayfield | 775 | 2 |
| 2013-11-27 08:41:51 | 2013-12-06 | Murrayfield | 825 | 2 |
| 2013-12-06 04:32:28 | 2013-12-06 | Murrayfield | 840 | 2 |
| 2013-12-06 09:16:14 | 2013-12-23 | Murrayfield | 1200 | 2 |
| 2013-12-12 04:33:14 | 2014-01-09 | Murrayfield | 750 | 2 |
| 2013-12-17 09:20:52 | 2014-01-14 | Murrayfield | 1300 | 2 |
| 2014-01-17 04:33:08 | 2014-01-22 | Murrayfield | 840 | 2 |
| 2014-02-22 04:34:40 | 2014-04-16 | Murrayfield | 900 | 2 |
| 2014-02-25 04:34:06 | 2014-03-10 | Murrayfield | 995 | 2 |
| 2014-02-26 04:33:01 | 2014-03-07 | Murrayfield | 600 | 2 |
| 2014-03-19 04:33:31 | 2014-04-22 | Murrayfield | 795 | 2 |
| 2014-03-29 04:38:14 | 2014-04-01 | Murrayfield | 775 | 2 |
| 2014-04-05 04:33:38 | 2014-06-20 | Murrayfield | 840 | 2 |
| 2014-04-19 04:33:33 | 2014-07-24 | Murrayfield | 945 | 2 |
| 2014-04-22 04:33:40 | 2014-05-30 | Murrayfield | 710 | 2 |
| 2014-05-02 04:50:56 | 2014-05-15 | Murrayfield | 980 | 2 |
| 2014-05-12 03:17:07 | 2015-06-11 | Murrayfield | 750 | 2 |
| 2014-05-23 04:36:44 | 2014-05-31 | Murrayfield | 725 | 2 |
| 2014-06-13 04:33:34 | 2014-07-09 | Murrayfield | 800 | 2 |
| 2014-06-25 04:34:24 | 2014-06-27 | Murrayfield | 840 | 2 |
| 2014-07-01 04:46:00 | 2014-07-03 | Murrayfield | 775 | 2 |
| 2014-07-03 05:09:17 | 2014-07-12 | Murrayfield | 840 | 2 |
| 2014-07-04 04:34:03 | 2014-07-04 | Murrayfield | 735 | 2 |
| 2014-07-08 04:37:28 | 2014-07-17 | Murrayfield | 750 | 2 |
| 2014-07-09 09:59:35 | 2014-08-20 | Murrayfield | 1500 | 2 |
| 2014-07-09 11:46:54 | 2014-10-15 | Murrayfield | 1400 | 2 |
| 2014-07-19 04:33:52 | 2014-07-23 | Murrayfield | 840 | 2 |
| 2014-07-26 04:32:33 | 2014-08-14 | Murrayfield | 1750 | 2 |
| 2014-08-02 08:50:28 | 2014-08-08 | Murrayfield | 1500 | 2 |
| 2014-08-06 09:44:38 | 2014-08-08 | Murrayfield | 650 | 2 |
| 2014-08-22 04:33:09 | 2014-08-26 | Murrayfield | 655 | 2 |
| 2014-08-23 04:31:57 | 2014-10-13 | Murrayfield | 650 | 2 |
| 2014-08-26 10:05:34 | 2014-10-13 | Murrayfield | 1500 | 2 |
| 2014-08-27 04:33:14 | 2014-09-18 | Murrayfield | 825 | 2 |
| 2014-09-26 10:24:27 | 2014-10-29 | Murrayfield | 1100 | 2 |
| 2014-10-14 04:34:45 | 2014-11-15 | Murrayfield | 680 | 2 |
| 2014-10-22 23:29:30 | 2014-11-11 | Murrayfield | 1000 | 2 |
| 2014-10-30 11:30:11 | 2014-11-23 | Murrayfield | 795 | 2 |
| 2014-11-06 11:33:08 | 2014-12-15 | Murrayfield | 1500 | 2 |
| 2014-11-10 23:14:39 | 2014-11-17 | Murrayfield | 650 | 2 |
| 2014-11-11 04:36:20 | 2014-12-17 | Murrayfield | 745 | 2 |
| 2014-11-27 04:36:23 | 2014-12-16 | Murrayfield | 1200 | 2 |
| 2014-12-12 23:30:26 | 2015-02-26 | Murrayfield | 1400 | 2 |
| 2014-12-13 04:34:52 | 2015-01-20 | Murrayfield | 945 | 2 |
| 2014-12-13 04:38:56 | 2014-12-19 | Murrayfield | 875 | 2 |
| 2014-12-23 10:53:24 | 2015-01-20 | Murrayfield | 1200 | 2 |
| 2015-02-25 04:36:25 | 2015-04-20 | Murrayfield | 650 | 2 |
| 2015-03-20 14:26:36 | 2015-04-14 | Murrayfield | 1450 | 2 |
| 2015-04-27 20:21:14 | 2015-05-10 | Murrayfield | 750 | 2 |
| 2015-05-13 10:40:25 | 2015-05-28 | Murrayfield | 945 | 2 |
| 2015-05-20 10:43:00 | 2015-05-27 | Murrayfield | 995 | 2 |
| 2015-06-04 10:48:23 | 2015-06-12 | Murrayfield | 675 | 2 |
| 2015-06-17 04:53:55 | 2015-07-09 | Murrayfield | 1700 | 2 |
| 2015-06-25 10:46:23 | 2015-07-04 | Murrayfield | 1300 | 2 |
| 2015-06-26 10:37:52 | 2015-07-09 | Murrayfield | 875 | 2 |
| 2015-06-30 10:42:57 | 2015-07-10 | Murrayfield | 875 | 2 |
| 2015-08-06 10:43:54 | 2015-08-08 | Murrayfield | 875 | 2 |
| 2015-09-16 10:37:59 | 2015-10-01 | Murrayfield | 700 | 2 |
+---------------------+----------------+--------------+-------+----------+
59 rows in set (0.47 sec)
Morning NDY
Right, I think I understand that data. The price I'm looking at is good/competitive for the area. As you say, it's only got to made liveable, not home. Thanks for that detail. If you're available next week, I could always pop over to the western metropolis for a couple of beers as way of thanks!
Morning Sotto
I did think about saying 'who says I'm gonna be on that setee on my own', but I decided against it. My W is still in 'I don't know what to do mode' and still falling, so, I've got to press on. Homelessness doesn't appeal!
If you're available next week, I could always pop over to the western metropolis for a couple of beers as way of thanks!
It's on. I'll deffo meet up. I have S10 this weekend but the following weekend he's with his mother.
Well, it's liveable. I have to register an interest in taking it. It's a bit old inside, but it's comfortable, in size terms. I still have that nag in the back of my mind - what if she changes her mind? I know I shouldn't, I should just plough on.
NDY - I have arranged a GAL activity for the following weekend. I can nip over to Glasgow one day after work for a couple of hours if that's OK. Let me know.
Well, it's liveable. I have to register an interest in taking it. It's a bit old inside, but it's comfortable, in size terms. I still have that nag in the back of my mind - what if she changes her mind? I know I shouldn't, I should just plough on.
NDY - I have arranged a GAL activity for the following weekend. I can nip over to Glasgow one day after work for a couple of hours if that's OK. Let me know.
Definitely mate. I'll let you know my schedule.
On the flat. Lots of landlords are quite happy to let you decorate the place. As long as you stick to neutral colours and don't remove any fixtures you should be ok. One bit of advice. Get it in writing. I've personal experience of family that rented and received verbal permission to decorate. It was only when they moved out that the landlord decided to change their mind and kept hold of the deposit. And this couple were only 22 at the time. So watch out for that.
But apart from that as long as it's clean and warm it'll do until you get something permanent which is good. I myself have put in an offer for a house. Hopefully in the next few days I'll know if I've been successful or not.
No worries.
Have made an offer for the lease. Just waiting for a reply back. If It's not a go-er, no worries. I will tell W tonight and see if I get a reaction.
No worries.
Have made an offer for the lease. Just waiting for a reply back. If It's not a go-er, no worries. I will tell W tonight and see if I get a reaction.
Fingers crossed
If it were me, and this is just an opinion and someone else may say something different I'd only mention it to your WAW once the lease is agreed. Remember you are pressing on with your life with or without her. Remember the analogy of going for a long walk?
Thanks. Another one to look at tonight then we'll see what happens. No panic yet!
Have printed out details for property. Don't know if to leave them around or not.
Again I'd suggest no. Apart from letting her know your plans it reeks of attachment. I seem to remember we discussed this once before very early on in your sitch. Can't recall the details now as it was so long ago (sad, but true).
There isn't any need to let her know what your up to until it's set in stone. Then you will need to discuss with her arrangement for moving out, furniture etc.
Do you have a date for transferring the keys yet? Does your conveyancing L know this is a D case? I spoke to mine yesterday and although there aren't any issues at the moment they did stress that they can't sell the house without the minute of agreement. And you can't get one of those without a L (a divorce L that is). Fortunately I already knew this and had the ball rolling.
Hi Huddy. Glad to hear about the flat. Fingers crossed for you. I would echo Ndy re the attachment Why tell W anything until it's done and dusted
Your getting on with your life and W has told you that she no longer wants you in her life She needs to feel the loss of you And she needs to realise that Huddy IS moving on and not just trying to look like he's moving on.
Just my thoughts and again fingers crossed
Take care. Rd
Hi Guys
Second viewing was OK. Six people were supposed to turn up, but only two of showed! Other lady was a student with a student husband + child! I felt sorry for them as she was desperate, but it's dog eat dog and I'm going to apply for that as well.
Interesting take on the attachment angle. I thought if I showed I was ploughing ahead, that was showing dis attachment? Anyway, no problems there. W has made a half hearted go at more packing and got my SD to text me to find out when I was coming home. Doesn't sound like she's detached.
D hasn't been mentioned for ages.
Really tired though. This six months has taken a whack out of me.
Hi Huddy, I agree with others. I think you should just choose your place, make your plans, set your moving date and then let W know that you will be moving out on X date.
Hope you get accepted for a place soon my friend.
Hi Huddy,
I have been reading your post and it is very interesting regarding the sale of your house as I'm in the same situation (separated but not D yet!), and have two kids to look after. I didn't realise that an estate agent couldn't sell a house if there wasn't an agreement. Gonna book appointment with solicitor ASAP.
Not trying to hijack your thread I did have a meeting with a divorce solicitor today. And what she said was there are three things to consider
First is the divorce it does not matter which of us starts this ball rolling
Second is the children and the plans that we will be agreeing for them access rights
Third is the finances who will get what when the house is sold who gets child benefits who gets tax credits if fifty fifty child care
She said that in getting the divorce underway now then the finances and child care can be agreed and signed this needs to be done quite a bit befor the sale of the house can begin I managed to get 1hr free
Found out that we can do as much or as little for the divorce and it can start at just £49.00 I was shocked just how easy it would be so,long as we both agree on things
Huddy sounds like you are getting stronger I really do admire you
Take care
Ghost
Morning all
W returned home from parents evening whilst I was in the bath. When I got downstairs the Great British Bake Off was on. We all watched that. It was like being a family again.
Couple of things I've noticed though. Last night, W has moved from sitting as far away from me as possible, to being just one space away from me. W said 'goodnight' to me last night. That's the first time in six months. Don't know if she did it by accident or by design. Thirdly, all the L letters have disappeared. They have been 'waving' to me from a shelf since April and now they have gone. I did a quick search this morning and they appear to be in the waste. She has stopped S/D proceedings against me.
I have a feeling she is going to say that she wants to try again, but I can't wait for that. I can't be homeless. The legal stuff came yesterday for the house, but W hasn't opened it.
Another day, but my plan continues!
Hold strong mate. You can't count on her snapping out if it. Plus if council change their minds she will have more options.
But I agree there is still hope.
Thanks, I will. W has called me this morning to talk about something, but I was in the middle of taking a pee! I've tried to call back, but now she's not answering. Bizarre.
Hi Huddy, I would stay cool and continue on your path. It is tempting to start 'reading between the lines' if behaviour seems to change. But it is best not to do that. If you have tried to get back to your W and she didn't pick up, I would leave if. If she wants to track you down she will. Equally, if she wanted something to change, she would say. And until or unless she does this, there's no need for you to worry about anything other than getting your plans in place post-move.
I know consulting a L has been discussed on your sitch. Are you and your W in agreement about exactly who will get what when the house does sell? It's really important to have this clearly agreed in writing, taking into account a possible future D, at the point you sell.
Hope you have a good day xx
Morning H,
See you have flipped the LBS role to your W.
Admire how you are handling it and really hope things turn out as you want.
I know deep down most of us here would swap a lot of the GAL & detaching for second chance with our S.
Yesterday a funny thing happened...I was talking to a woman I generally just say hi to at the gim. For some reason she was in chat mode and so was I. After about 15 mins chatting, a few laughs and a thump on my arm it hit me (pun)....
We sometime concentrate so much on our actual S and their reactions even when they are long gone emotionally and physically that we neglect to look in the mirror and see who we are and what we can offer after our makeover. Additionally our makeover has maybe made us a different person, hopefully better. Maybe even to the point where losing our W may be a good thing.
I found myself acting in a way and talking about things I know I will never be able to do with my W. And I enjoyed it. I love sailing and so does this person. My W doesnt. I used to play football with my son in a team and my W never came to watch us and probably never will. This person used to watch her XH and takes her son to matches. If I played again I bet she would come and watch me make a fool of myself.
It then dawned on me that if for a moment we step out of the box, analyze who we have become and who our S still are. Then maybe we run the risk of losing our 2.0 so as to adapt back to our R? After all we have changed but have they? Will we go back only to find we have become incompatible? Will we go back only to now spend further energy on changing them?
I read your posts and see you place a lot of importance on how your W reacts even though you are moving ahead. If she suddenly wanted you to stp and work on your R what and who would really change?
i know in my case a lot of things I am doing now I will still do on my own. However there are women out there who would do more things that I like doing too. Shouldnt we maybe stop focusing systematically on what our S are doing and how they are reacting and maybe ask ourselves how would life be like if we did get back together?
I think you are a stronger and better man Hud and maybe with this pov you should take the time to look at your W as a stranger, not her H and ask what would life be like if you did return? You have changed, what if she doesnt? You are know GAL because of your situation but if you reconcile the idea is to share things. How will HUD 2.0 and W 1.0 fit in with each other? As you are so far ahead, maybe it is not a bad idea to meet someone else whose 1.0 integrates better with you?
I dont know if you know what I mean but it was just a thought and hope this is not hijacking.
Peace bro.
Hi Sotto/Maximus
Thanks for your input. I know what you mean Maximus. I think telling her I would never forgive her if she took the children away really threw her. At the minute, my main concern is housing. I haven't worked all my adult life to be bedding down on somebody elses setee/floor etc. Huddy 2.0 has got his pride back and looks at Huddy 1.0, snivelling and begging six months ago with some contempt. Ghost, if you're reading this (I know you're spinning right now) please, get your pride back first.
Yes, I am watching her reactions. It's interesting how the dynamic has changed. W has called back. She sounded really pleasant, almost like her old self. I've got to be careful as I feel it would be quite easy to lose my new found confidence again. W explained she was doing the ironing (mine as well) and hadn't heard me call her back. She told me that somebody had called for me and started talking about my flat bid (I guess SD has told her). I stalled a bit and she said she wanted to talk to me when I got home. No expectations. I have just booked another viewing for another property.
It looks like I'm pushing this flat letting business down her throat, but my first priority, at the minute, is housing. If she does turn/can't find a property, then at least I have space for my kids.
Hi Huddy. Completely agree with Maximus. While we all understand how you look for reactions in W and hope for your R Would you really want this woman if you just met her. ? Really. She is splitting up her family , threatening to move kids 230 miles away , leaving her D homeless. She ignores her H unless it suits her , etc
In the last 3 weeks you have really grasped DBing. Of course you look for signs and hope , most of us do but it's not letting her reactions change what your doing
Re the letters and lack of movement on D , if you look at it this way , she needs to find somewhere to live and that's much more important right now She sitting closer to you because she was thinking about how she's going to spend her share of the house proceeds and forgot in her excitement of that sun holiday she's planing in her head, to sit further away from you
I've posed before none of our WAS our psychos They still have some feelings for us just not the ones we want Your W is no different She sold the house and now she has a huge amount on her mind and I have no doubt she is wondering about her choice to leave you BUT it may only be wondering and Huddy has to continue as he is , looking out for himself and his family
Take care. Rd
Thanks rd
Yes, W 2.0 would have some work to do if she wants to be back in R.
Onwards. My only problem right now is fatigue. I've said in the past how tired I've been feeling (I'm back to nightly nightmares right now) but in the past few days I'm just exhausted. I look at yesterday. I woke up at 0320, managed to snooze until 0600 then work, then viewing, then commute back home and I'm not in the house until 1950. I think once accommodation is sorted, I can relax a bit more.
You have to laugh. Searching through property sites today, I came across a house on at £15k per month - for rental! That's £182k per year. Granted it's got ten bedrooms, but who on earth is going to rent that. I'd love to say it's in my budget.......
Mate. I've seen more expensive than that. Especially during the commonwealth games and the open.
Really Bud? I showed it to one of my workmates and he nearly fell on the floor. You've got to ask, if you had that kind of money, every month, surely you'd just get a mortgage?
Hey ho. Nice and calm at home. W has said we don't need to mention separation to the estate agents as she doesn't want to know right now. No idea what that means, but the money is going in my bank account. Still going with my plan though. I feel really tired, almost ill tonight. I think I've been running on adrenalin for the past six months and I might be running out of steam. I know I'm run down as I have some sore spots on my skin. It's like being a teenager again!
First. Look after your health. Take. Few days off if necessary. You need to be fully fit in order to carry this through.
Second, forget what your W says. Money in your account or not. WAS saying no need to mention separation or not. You HAVE to protect yourself.
Look, mate. I get the impression you don't want to engage a L because you're hoping she'll turn round at the 11th hr and that instructing a L will be the final chapter in your R. It's not. If you don't get a L you leave yourself exposed. Very much so.
Your W has a L. She probably didn't think twice about it. So why leave yourself vurnalbe? Makes no sense to me.
And if there is no agreement in place between you two then who the heck knows what she will do/say?
You've already turned the dynamic on its head, this is just one more step to prove you are serious. You are moving on no matter what. But if you don't do it you can get very stung. Everyone on here agrees with me. You don't need to tell her if you prefer but get a L. Please Huddy. It's important you do this now.
Morning NDY
I hear you. I'm planning to do something when I'm off. We've already signed papers to put the money in my account.
SD came to me last night asking about how my flat let is going on. I told her I was still looking. She told me she told W and she didn't react well. SD has decided not to go for council housing now and is going tomorrow to withdraw her application. I have assured her that she will have a roof over her head.
Feel rough today. Have struggled in to work though!
Take it easy mate. Huddy 2.0 needs to be strong and decisive right now. Lots of people are depending on you to pull through with this no matter what.
NDY I am in Saint albans Hertfordshire
Huddy when I went to see the soliciters they told me things have to be done in a certain order
Normally sort out the marriage affairs File for d
Then the children
Then the finances
But yes even if you get one and things change it is only money