Hang in there. What have you been doing for your self-esteem all this time?
I bought a new self esteem workbook through amazon I'm waiting for. Other things, little things like dressing up, make up (not a lot just enough), doing hair, smelling good. Working on interacting with family and friends. I made 2 friends at work. I'm trying it's hard cause of my anxiety but I need to brake through my shell..
Have you been working out on a regular basis or maybe tried meditating? Those do great to boost self-confidence.
It's in my goal to sign up at the gym this weekend. Ymca great for kids. No young people with hot bodies making me uncomfortable hahhaha jk. But yes I will start. I have lost already 40 lbs since February.
I was finally served with the divorce papers. ..I started crying and hes like you think this means anything their only paper... my response was yes it does . Means your free to be with your "wifey", your soulmate, and live happily ever after. And I drove off crying my eyes out with the kids in the car...
Why would he say that - it's only paper- then why do it?
My friend says that he was being inSensitive. ..
I don't know. What you think he meant??
I think he meant he already has divorced you in his mind. I am sorry. You are going to get through this. Hang on, you are going to be ok.
I wish I was. I'm so broken and hurt especially this coming from him. Anyway it's over. No need to be dbing anymore
It is not over. It IS ONLY PAPER. He divorced you in his mind a long time ago. If you decide it is over that is ok. But don't let it be because of this. I know this is hard. I am praying for you. Chin up
You think I should keep fighting knowing he's choose her over me. A wife of 12 yrs amd the love of his life. I think he's found his new love
It's up to you.
Although all WASs talk the way your H does. Including my W who had an A with her boss. What you decide to do is your decision.
So what do I do. I'm so torn MrBond. Set boundaries, no calling texting emailing, the Sandi's rules right? Go dark?
Overcom -
is there really a difference in your relationship with your H between today and two weeks ago? So he gave you the papers...they are just that: papers. All they do is register your relationship status with the government. Does that really change anything in and of itself?
So what do you do next? Start from the beginning and DB some more! Look at your situation with a beginner's mind. Then set some goals and start working to achieve them. To help you, yes, follow the 37 rules and set boundaries around you as needed - this will give you the personal space to be able to do these goals without getting sidetracked, distracted or further damaged.
You can do this, O.
Many people stop the divorce after the papers have been served. You do not need to use this as your metric in determining the end.
I can do this. So is that what he meant by its only papers??
I really need to save my marriage. I really want to. I will do anything
I really need to save my marriage. I really want to. I will do anything
You dont
need to. You will be OK no matter what.
If youre willing to do anything, it's time to get to work. Start from step 1 and save yourself, O. Thats the best way to give your marriage a chance.
And it will be done. I am going to read the d r book all over again and start from now. Ty so much for your help and advice and encouragement.
Hey A do you know the rules about giving ppl private emails or Facebook or instagram infos??
No more pity parties. No more moping around. Today I will start being confident beautiful person I am... I have God on my side. And all of you supporting me..
Hang in there, I know it's tough but nothing you've posted is new here. Your WAH is thinking he has found happiness, the D is the door to that happiness... It is not till he walks through it and things become real for him that he will have to start dealing with reality. During this time, D or not you have an oppurtunity to work on yourself and be better and stronger because of this, you did not ask for it... But this will not destroy nor define you. It's time to let him go for a bit and you owe it to yourself and your kids to find that strength deep inside you to do this.
The first thing I did... I got out of bed. Then... I made it. Every damn morning... Make the bed... Take the time to make it perfectly, this strata your day off with a sense of accomplishment.
I know it's just me whining and crying
Glad you have had a change in your mentality. That is why this forum is so good. It keeps us going when things seem hopeless
No more pity parties. No more moping around. Today I will start being confident beautiful person I am... I have God on my side. And all of you supporting me..
Yes, you do. I pray for you everyday. You can do this, O. It sounds like your H doesn't know what he really wants. Be strong for yourself...you deserve good things, and you can make them happen.
Yes it's a great forum and great support group. You guys keep me from falling. But today was great. No calls, texts or emails. No crying. Busy at work so didn't have time to think about him and now home with kids. He text me about my daughter since she's had a fever for the past 3 days amd I just messaged back saying she's fine for now. End of text... it's hard but I'm doing it.
Thanks judy for praying for me. I really appreciate it. He doesn't know. He thinks he's in love with this girl but who knows. He wines and dines her but at the end of the day she'll never be me...
Fantastic, Overcom! You are getting it! Give him something to miss. Be happy without him. It makes such a difference when all your hopes and dreams aren't pinned on one outcome. You get strong. That is worth so very much.
O, you are right, she never will be you! You are doing great. And you will never be a druggie cheater, so it is his loss.
Girl I am so afraid of drugs. lol I will never ever in my life have the guts to even be around ppl who do drugs. im a lover, one man kind of girl. i dont like hoping around. so my next lover (hoping my h) will be lucky, cause i have so much love to give....
So h called or actually he text saying are you going to bring the kids to the restaurant and I was already going to get out of the house so I can go get D2's medicine she's had a fever for the past 4 days so I just dropped them off at the restaurant and I said I'll be back I'm going to go pick up the medicine from my moms house and he was like oh okay I got to the restaurant you know and I didn't even say hi I just said hi to everybody else and that was it.
He kept looking at me to see if I'm going to look at him to see if I was going to be sad but I was laughing and smiling.
How did I do??
Update: he came home and saw me reading the Bible and he looked sad and I said to him cry out your problems to our lord. We had a nice chat about finding God again and asking forgiveness and helping you with your problems. I said yes I'm hurting but he's helping me get through this. Without him I'd be contemplating suicide again.
I asked him what he ment by saying this is only papers... his answer was pray and you'll get your answer. What does that mean? Anyway I kept my confidence high amd didn't cry or mop. I was in great spirits and even made him laugh.
So how did I do?
"Pray and you will get the answers," I have no idea what he is talking about. Sounds like he is playing mind games. He either does or does not know why he said it. Him telling you to go somewhere else for the answer to his words is an excuse not to answer. Ignore it! Do not spend another second on trying to understand it and do not ask about it again.
Good job on keeping your spirits high. I do believe his connection with God will help him through this. However, do not listen to his words. His actions will tell you the reality of his relationship with the Lord.
Thanks whyus.
I swear I am feeling so good and feeling so confident and I am really working on my self esteem. I have a lot of work but I am working on it. And I am finally feeling pretty. I'm down 5 more lbs and still going. I am hurting but at end of the day I need to do this for me.
I believe I am lovable and able to love so I need to do this for me.
Thanks for your continuing support...
I hope your doing well? Have you been gal? I need to work On that as well!!!
You are very welcome. I have been doing a lot better. I still wish this was some nightmare. Everything seems surreal at times.
I was running every other day but I injured my knee so that is setting me back. I do GAL often. If it was not for that I would go nuts.
I noticed we are about the same age. I am 34 and my WW is 33. We married 1yr before you. I am about 2yrs ahead of you in the kids department.
It is amazing to me that with children in the picture our spouses do this. It really is like they are possessed or something. Never in a million years would I have expected this out of my W. Everyday it crosses my mind that I hope I get that call from WW wanting to talk and her apologizing. I know it is not going to come anytime soon but I sure to wish it would. I have not spoken to her since she left over 3 months ago. The only time I hear her voice is in the background when I talk to my kids on the phone.
Oh no knee injuries are the worst. Hope you feel better. So what kind of stuff do you? I have no idea what to do or take the kids. Do you see the kids? I don't know what is worse not seeing her or talking to her or seeing her every day and not being able to hold her or kiss or talk to her like normal. That is my situation.
I hear lots of young couples getting divorces. It really [censored] to be here and in this position. I never ever thought I'd be here too. We were inseparable. Each others backbone. I don't know how I'll ever recover from this heartache
I too every day wait for him to say I love you I want you back.
So h called or actually he text saying are you going to bring the kids to the restaurant and I was already going to get out of the house so I can go get D2's medicine she's had a fever for the past 4 days so I just dropped them off at the restaurant and I said I'll be back I'm going to go pick up the medicine from my moms house and he was like oh okay I got to the restaurant you know and I didn't even say hi I just said hi to everybody else and that was it. good!!
He kept looking at me to see if I'm going to look at him to see if I was going to be sad but I was laughing and smiling.
How did I do?? nicely done.....so far....
Update: he came home and saw me reading the Bible and he looked sad and I said to him cry out your problems to our lord. hmmmm...I'm not a big fan of this conversation though. I don't think he wants you to preach to him. I'm not sure how this was said, but it sounds judgy and controlling.
We had a nice chat about finding God again and asking forgiveness and helping you with your problems. I said yes I'm hurting but he's helping me get through this. Without him I'd be contemplating suicide again. NOOOOOOOO...why are you telling him how much you are hurting? Don't give him that POWER and CONTROL over you. Even if it's true, don't TELL him that! You are a strong, confident, beautiful woman - and YOU did that.
I asked him what he ment by saying this is only papers... his answer was pray and you'll get your answer. What does that mean? it means the same thing we've been telling you! But when he says it, it means he wants to keep you around in case OW doesn't work out. "It's only papers. I'll always love you. But if this works out with OW, then tough luck!"
Anyway I kept my confidence high amd didn't cry or mop. I was in great spirits and even made him laugh. thats my opinion anyway. I think you need to stop showing him and telling him about how hurt you are. I think you need to pullback farther and really start to build your confidence.
Azzork hahhah I knew that was wrong but it was too late. Ugh .. I have pulled back further. I won't say it again I promised to myself that.
But I wasn't trying to be judge and controlling lol but I'm trying so hard. I wish you could see it in person. I really am...
I wish you could see it in person. I really am...
Trust me, it's clear. Your posts are so incredibly different than they were a month ago. I can see the confidence starting to come back and I'm so glad for you. Just keep going.
Just trying to give you a gentle nudge
I know your one of the reasons I have this courage. You and judy, photo, v, whyus, etc keep me encouraged and keep me going. I was ready to give up.
But lots of work to be done!!!!
How are you doing?
I also need to learn how to validate him? Am I saying that right. Like how to talk to him.
O, Azzork is right, you are getting stronger. And this is just the beginning.
Yes, validate him. I saved the list of validation phrases on my phone and when I get really bored, like waiting for an appointment or something, I reread the list. I usually find something "new" that pops out at me. Now putting it into use is another story, I have problems with validating stupid spew, but I am getting better. "wow I can see how stressful it is for you when I use hand gestures." Whatever. If it calms him down. For me the trick (when I can do it) is to not really listen to the content of what H says as much as the feeling he has behind it. The content is really strange sometimes. A reflection of his confusion. But the feelings are real.
Where can I find that list? I've seen the one under validate cheat list? Is that it??
Yes, that is the list. Keep reading through the thread for more suggestions. I've gotten pretty good at these. It helps keep the conversation calm, as well as keeping it going. He'll keep talking and opening up more when he realizes you're really listening. Eye contact, body turned towards H. Takes just a bit of practice and focus, then it comes naturally. I noticed I'm doing this with everyone now!
How will I know when to use these validations?
Every time he opens his mouth except maybe if he is discussing logistics. Any complaint, whine, stupid comment, emotional expression, whatever. Just validate.
Every time he opens his mouth except maybe if he is discussing logistics. Any complaint, whine, stupid comment, emotional expression, whatever. Just validate.
Photo nailed it with her unique style! Example:
H: We have no choice but to split up.
Overcom: I understand why you feel that way, but I feel very differently.
H: I can't do anything right.
Overcom: What makes you say that?
H: I mess up everything I do.
Overcome: I understand why you may feel that way, but I can think of lots of things you've right.
I do a lot of understanding H's feelings, and will either redirect, or agree to disagree.
Hmm I'm gonna have to practice this lol... thanks girls
For me its more like
H: "You have destroyed my life and my mom hates you too."
Me: "wow, that is a lot to deal with , I can see why you are so angry with me."
or ...H "You have a jealousy problem, what difference does it make if this time it was an actual affair? You'd be jealous anyway. "
Me: "That must be really difficult for you."
I can't make this stuff up.
Photo your kidding right... lol
The jealousy part sounds like our fights lol
No I am not kidding. He said what difference does it make that it was real, the problem is my jealousy. And his examples of my jealousy? He had 2 examples. In 26 years of being together. He had 2 examples. Plus the affair, so 3. Wow, those 3 instances of jealousy in 26 years must have been torture for him. Poor guy.
Also put up a big argument because I said his affair went on for 5 months and he said it was 4, and the problem is that I have an exaggeration problem. Not kidding. The problem wasn't the affair, it was that I exaggerated the length of it. Because it started "in the middle of January, not the end, so I shouldn't round up when counting the months." A whole hour of MC spent on that one. He really proved his point, poor guy, I am so terrible to live with, with my jealousy and exaggeration.
I can not make this stuff up it is so crazy. What happened to my H? Who is this guy?
For GAL I have been lucky because I have a gay cousin(who has no kids) in town that is my same age and has always been one of my best friends. He immediately started intoducing me to people and asking me over like every weekend. Then his friends invite me over every sunday to play games. So I have met a lot of new friends to hang out with and talk about my problems with. And help me to forget my problems. One of them turned out to be an LMFT who lives like 5 houses away. What are the chances?
I have also started training for a half marathon. Hopefully my knee heals soon. I am only up to 6 miles.
I take the kids to the zoo, ride bikes, go to museums, movies, etc... Next weekend I will take them camping. I try to have at least one event planned when I have them on the weekend. I get them every other weekend and once a week for 4 hrs.
Photo you terrible person. Lol I'm just kidding. He's blind amd not seeing who you really are. Just continue doing you and praying he'll snap out of it...
You have been lucky. My biggest problem is telling my family the truth about what's going on. So I'm kinda avoiding them. I only see my mom daily. Family events I miss out on. I just don't know how to brake the news. So my gal is just me and me and the kids. I don't have a lot of friends. All my friends are couples with k8ds. I need some single friends lol.
See I coukd do some of that stuff but like I said I'm stuck in my shell... I really am going to try one weekend a new event with them... your a awesome dad and I'll pray that your wife's heart is softened and it's in the will of our Lord that you guys reconcile.
I will also pray that your knee heals so you can run your marathon. I'll be your cheerleader from the other side of the computer. Lol...
I can't imagine my life without my kids full time. I'm so worried when he actually has to take them without me. I don't want them to meet the other girl.
what's LMFT? That's awesome...
Lisenced Marriage Family Therapist (LMFT).
Thank you overcome. After reading your post I realize how lucky I am that my cousin is here for me. I can't imagine going through this without my family. I don't know how you do it.
Ha! That IS awesome. Get some free counseling lol.
I hope you have a wonderful day today...
Last night my d3 had 104.2 fever amd vomiting and I was freaking out. I text him thinking he'd come just in case I'd have to go to children's hospital. He was just texting me and I had to end it. I text him sorry for bothering you guys. He text back saying really. I never answered back. Like why should I have to feel like that. I'm so angry and hurt this morning.
Overcom -
next time you have some kind of crisis, see if you can handle it by yourself without texting him. Like this one, if you had to go to the hospital, you could have taken your S with you and just gone. Then send a text saying "D3 is XXX/YYY. We went to the hospital; the doctor said ZZZ."
I think you will feel so much more empowered than feeling like you need his advice or permission to do anything/everything.
Cause if something like this happened and I really had to and not tell him at that moment he might say why didn't you tell me or get mad at me. Idk!!!
why didn't you tell me
"Because I was handling it."
or get mad at me.
But you didnt "tell him" about the fever. You asked him for help. You cant spend the rest of your life worrying about whether or not he is mad at you.
Overcom, A is correct. Just begin to handle stuff like this on your own. It is hard at first, but it makes you stronger. You can inform him the following day if no hospital visit is required. Text something like: "FYI, D was really sick last night. Seems to be doing better now. You might want to call and check on her. She would appreciate hearing from you."
If you wound up having to visit hospital, say something like: "D is very ill. I've taken her to the hospital to get checked out. S is with me. Will update later."
Show that man you can be strong and handle problems without him. If you've always relied on him for help, it is a HUGE 180. It will also make him begin to feel "left out". He will notice, believe me.
More importantly, Overcom, start handling things on your own when you can so that you can prove to YOURSELF you will be fine on your own. It will go a long way towards detachment. You already know detachment is critical in dealing with WS. You've got to start building up that detachment muscle. You're going to be miserable as long as you are so very attached to him.
Being a single mom is really hard. It's not fair that the situation was forced on you. I get that. Can you do it? Of course you can! Start leaving him out of things, act "as if" you are fully capable of taking care of things on your own (you are!), and observe when H begins wondering why you didn't call.
Tell him you're a single mom now, and can handle things on your own. That is a truth dart he cannot avoid. You shouldn't be mean, just very matter of fact. It'll hit him, I promise.
I am absolutely convinced you have what it takes to do this. Do you want to? Probably not, but you HAVE TO. He's put you in this situation, probably expecting you to crumble. Don't. Don't give him the satisfaction. Thrive instead. If OW is an addict, he is with a weak human being. Being the opposite, strong, is going to be very, very attractive.
Make sense?
Overcom, A is correct. Just begin to handle stuff like this on your own. It is hard at first, but it makes you stronger. You can inform him the following day if no hospital visit is required. Text something like: "FYI, D was really sick last night. Seems to be doing better now. You might want to call and check on her. She would appreciate hearing from you."
I wouldnt add this last part. It sounds judgmental and controlling. Just the facts, Jack! And I would only inform if it was something bad, like a fever or vomiting - but a general headache or stomach ache, I wouldnt say anything.
If you wound up having to visit hospital, say something like: "D is very ill. I've taken her to the hospital to get checked out. S is with me. Will update later."
You just updated. No need to stay on the hook. You can send another update if you get further information.
Show that man you can be strong and handle problems without him. If you've always relied on him for help, it is a HUGE 180. It will also make him begin to feel "left out". He will notice, believe me.
More importantly, Overcom, start handling things on your own when you can so that you can prove to YOURSELF you will be fine on your own. It will go a long way towards detachment. You already know detachment is critical in dealing with WS. You've got to start building up that detachment muscle. You're going to be miserable as long as you are so very attached to him.
Being a single mom is really hard. It's not fair that the situation was forced on you. I get that. Can you do it? Of course you can! Start leaving him out of things, act "as if" you are fully capable of taking care of things on your own (you are!), and observe when H begins wondering why you didn't call.
Tell him you're a single mom now, and can handle things on your own. That is a truth dart he cannot avoid. You shouldn't be mean, just very matter of fact. It'll hit him, I promise.
I am absolutely convinced you have what it takes to do this. Do you want to? Probably not, but you HAVE TO. He's put you in this situation, probably expecting you to crumble. Don't. Don't give him the satisfaction. Thrive instead. If OW is an addict, he is with a weak human being. Being the opposite, strong, is going to be very, very attractive.
All the rest of this, yep yep yep!!!
You both are right. I could have Not texted him. I just panic when I see vomit. I can't handle it. But next time I will not text him. I'll show him what a mother should look like not like the ow who doesn't care about her kid.
Oh I know for sure he will feel left out. He wants me to call or text everything about the kids.
You both are right. I could have Not texted him. I just panic when I see vomit. I can't handle it. But next time I will not text him. I'll show him what a mother should look like not like the ow who doesn't care about her kid.
Oh I know for sure he will feel left out. He wants me to call or text everything about the kids.
You dont want to "show him". You just want to do it. For you. Not to beat OW. Not to show H what hes missing.
But for you to grow.
You got this, O!
Exactly. Not literally to show him but he'll see it. He is very observant.
I can't stop thinking about last night. I should not have text him... now I look like I'm weak and I need him... but one mess up won't hold me back. I do have this A. I do!!!! Thank you so much for all your inputs.... even if it's harsh for me to read I need these to remind me of who I am. How lost I have been and how dependent I am of him. I never was dependent on anyone before I met him. So I NEED TO Pick Up WHERE I Left OFF AND Get On track. My self esteem book is great. It's helping so much and I'm only in the beginning chapters...
O - I totally agree with Azz's revised post. If you were dependent before then it is a 180 for you to handle things on your own now. I on the other hand was too independent before so I do the opposite. If my S4 was as sick as your D3 last night then I would have texted "FYI S is very sick, may have to take him to the doctor". That is it. A very formal FYI type of message. Now that I have started doing that it usually sparks a convo with H when before I would get nothing from him. I am only telling you this because you will begin to see that these little changes will make a difference. It is okay that you messed up this time. You won't next time and that is important. Even if you do, try, try again. You got this! Being a single Mom is the hardest thing I have done but also the MOST rewarding.
Some 180 I have done have been commented on by H. He'll say wow I wish you did this before or wow why couldn't you be do it this was then... so yes 180s are noticed by the h.
I'm hurting today so much today... all I coukd think is about him with her.
I am sorry O. Sending virtual hugs your way. Hang in there.
Thanks photo.
The whole Time he was here he wwas texting the ow.
I broke down and told him I hated him for doing this and he said I didn't take care of him and someone else is.
Overcom
The important thing is are you and the children healthy?
Let's analyse the statement in you last post for a moment as if we were both independent of your sitch as if you and I were concerned friends of overcom, talking and giving sympathy over a glass of wine (and cheeeeeese).
WH has visited to help with a sick child and overcom said 'I hate you for leaving our family'. What reaction would you expect from WH?
Joy,
not again,
wretched STBX W can't cope again,
was concerned the children are with her and she is not coping,
Do I need to have the children instead?
and there she goes off on one,
got go get out of here,
Emotional blackmail,
She really can cope chooses not to
when will she learn I have OW?
It could be any of them, in combination or even something else, we will never know and none of the above are good. Perhaps you were hoping he would say, "I am so sorry I can see you are not coping and I will come home?"
He is texting OW, probably WH is in the addicted phase, and also probably OW s insecure, and because probably he wants too.
Yes, it hurts he sacked overcom as his wife, so for the sake of your children take the advice above.
He also said "you didn't take care of me and someone else is"
That tells you a lot, firstly the didn't is past tense, he is moved on and that's his story. It can also be a hidden reference to sexual connection too. My WH was always saying "V, you are not a 'We' person". My friends are all saying that I am the opposite of that: too much a we person. That isn't helpful clearly in WH eyes there was something I wasn't doing in being a 'we' person. I asked him several times what he meant by it and either he couldn't or wouldn't tell me. So in the end I went through a questioning process, I really don't want this in my next R, so It is something I will observe in future.
So let's ask overcom, in what way did WH think you did not take 'care' of him? Remember it's his view, it may be by all standards you did take care of him. Is this valid? If so are there 180s? Could he attempt to say this about the children too?
It's you and the children that I am most interested in, overcom. In seeing you a strong and vibrant woman that only a fool would leave.
V
V here's the full story:
The [censored] er came home to hang out with kids. He fell asleep for 20 mins. I put the kids to bed and when I came out he was texting her.
We sat there for a good 5 mins and the whole time he's texting her. Then he said something I looked at him weird and hes like why you looking at me like you don't want to talk to me. He gets up and is leaving I'm like wow. This whole time your here texting her isn't it enough your going to be with her all night your coming to visit for 5 mins and all your doing is texting her. I said ya run off to be your soulmate. He left
I called crying and told him I hated him for doing this and hes like you didn't take care of this and now someone else is. I did everything for him I said next time your here I would appreciate it if you didn't text her back I'm like your being rude. Then I called him crying amd said I hate u Sorry. Lol
So I called saying I hate you for doing this he's like wow now we're in the hating stage. He's like ty it feels good. I said you were my soul mate how can you tear this up and hes like you didn't take care of this soulmate amd someone else is. He's like I'm not doing anything its just happening. I saod of course you are you are fighting to be with her. You didn't fight for us! I said maybe I should have been a cheater and a bitch you would probably appreciate me more. Then I stopped! !!
We lacked romantic time and bonding time...
Hi Overcom, I'm sorry to hear about your exchange with your H. I think it's important to recognise that you are part of the downward spiral that occurred and if you approach interactions with him differently, they will become different.
At the moment, you are doing some of the worst things to do - crying, telling him you hate him. I truly understand how upsetting the situation is, but none of this will get you closer to reconciling if that is what you want. All you do is drive him closer to OW, and reinforce to him that he was right to go.
Can I ask if you have read either DR or DB fully yet? I hope so, because if you can start making some changes from your end, you truly have the ability to change the situation.
Take care xx
OK, so that interaction is neither romantic nor bonding.
It released some anger, and won't even work as a truth dart.
However, WH did breach a boundary, that made you angry and screaming banshee mode emerged. Been there, worn that T shirt, and won't make you feel good. It's wrong on all levels, checks many boxes. You may feel shame and disgust, and beat yourself up. Let's learn from it and move on, it is as it is.
That reaction is called flooding of emotions. I will post you the link so you can observe it on another's sitch. It is important I think that you apologise, not for the content but for the delivery. So " I apologise or being angry with you. " No excuses or rationalisations. "This doesn't help us co-parent our children and makes this difficult for both of us." Validating statement. I will make a great effort to change this." Solution without promise.
If you wish to enforce your boundary then you will have to do so calmly and have a consequence so in a couple of days a second text with the boundary and a request.
Let's define the boundary: "whilst you are in my home or with us as a family then it is important that you keep your phone blocked to receive and send calls with OW. I think this will help keep our co parenting interactions positive"
Next can we examine how you can help yourself hold "screaming banshee" in check?
What do you think will help you?
There is a major technique used in business for anger and I will research it for you.
I understand you are disappointed and WH has sacked you as his W and his soulmate. Let him go burn out his PA. clearly he is in the addicted phase.
I may need a second post as at the moment my iPad looses my posts when I try to link.
V
Flooding:
Flooding from abuse thread with ZeldaThis is from Ancaire and her flooding and venting through realisation and calming. Now you know you cannot unknow.
Ancaires insightV
Hi sotto.i have im half way... but sometimes he says or does something and it just make my blood boil...
O-when your blood starts to boil, BREATHE! In through the nose, out through the mouth. Slowly. You'll have to do it for a bit until your heart rate slows. It is the best technique for calming down that I have. If I'm talking to H in person, I hold up one finger, indicating to give me a second. Sometimes he does, sometimes not. I NEVER start speaking again until I have calmed down. It's hard to take words back, best not to say them at all. Like everything else, it takes some practice, but it is the single most helpful tool I've learned.
Your hurt and pain are pushing you into action. Learning to control reactions will help you in every aspect of your life, but will be key in helping you manage this one.
Practice this technique frequently when you're not upset, so you remember to use it when you are.
I'll just leave you with that, for now.
Hi V. So I read the thread and that is something I really need to work on. I apologized and he said that he would change too...
I'm gonna lose it. He's taking her out of town for her bday 9 10 11
What kind of boundaries do I set here
What do you mean? There aren't any boundaries you can set in this situation, unless he's planning to take the kids. If he's not, you have to accept there's nothing you can do. I'm so sorry.
My friend was saying to set healthy boundaries
You do need to set healthy boundaries, around you, your house, and your children. Decide what you will and will not allow within those areas. They are the ones you are in control of.
If he wants to tell you all about the trip, that is directly affecting you. You have the right and responsibility to protect yourself by telling him you don't need to hear about it.
Does that help a bit?
That's what I thought. But I wanted to hear from you guys too...
Ancaire has advised you well.
WH has said he will adjust around co parenting, and his phone.
Baby step. Let it be.
You have boundary no 1, no texts calls to OW in my home and when we are together as a family.
You have established it and it seems agreed.
You apologised and put the screaming banshee incident behind you.
So, what do you know about boundaries.
What has this interaction with WH indicated to you?
Are there any 180s?
As always, not ready V., and it is going to be ok.
V
Hi V. So I read the thread and that is something I really need to work on. I apologized and he said that he would change too...
It's easy to say "I'll change". Believe it when you see it (and only then, only half believe it)
But, you DO have control to change you. It looks like you're getting great advice on how to do that. Start now!
I am Azzork. I have been setting boundaries. It feels weird tho. Cause I've never had before...
Azzork I'm so sad and angry that he's taking her away. What should I do. Is there anything I can do?? I want to tear down walls
Overcome,
This is hard for you. It is hard for everyone who goes through this. We are angry, confused , sad, scared, and want it to stop. DBing means you do not follow your instincts and chase the dog. You have to do what works, let go. It is the most effective thing you can do right now. Don't ask him about it. Don't make snide comments to him.
Work on yourself. Remember the push pull dynamic in relationships.
I have not asked him anymore questions. I left it all alone. I am way to hurt. I am trying to let him go.
Overcom, I am new to your sitch and am getting up to speed. What is clear is that you are having a very hard time and I really feel for you.
You are getting some great advice from well respected people here and you are doing your best to follow it, with some slip ups, which is fine we are all guilty of those.
One question asked that you don't seem to have responded to is how far through the DB/DR book(s) are you?
You have got The Lord on your side plus you are posting regularly on this forum, the one other string to the bow of those who are successful DB'ers is familiarity with and regular reference to the MWD book(s). Maybe this is something to focus on for the next day or so...?
I am Azzork. I have been setting boundaries. It feels weird tho. Cause I've never had before...
Change never feels natural. Of course it will feel weird. Lets say I decided to live the rest of my life wearing oven mitts. Think that would feel weird at first?
Azzork I'm so sad and angry that he's taking her away. What should I do. Is there anything I can do?? I want to tear down walls
Theres nothing you can really do. You cant really tear down the walls, because you didnt build them. But theres no reason to keep building your own.
Hi avanti. Yes they have been so helpful and thank you for reaching out to me. I have read the dr 2 times and I'm still having trouble setting big boundaries such as tell h to pack his bags already and another issue is that I am having a really hard time is detaching from him... I need to respect myself and tell him he needs to go. I'm running a hotel. But I'm afraid that he'll stop paying rent and all the bills... why is this so hard... I read there are two main things to do before you can reconcile and it's to detach and gal. My 2 main problems. ..
Azzork thanks for always supporting and giving me advice... I got this A. I really do...
Sometimes I feel like I'm kidding myself...
Sometimes I feel like I'm kidding myself...
Yeah. I feel like that too sometimes. The anger, the hurt, the coldness, all of that from W, and yet, somehow, I still believe. That feeling of "if i only had that ONE more chance..." but knowing that theres almost no chance that I will get it.
But thats OK. The work that I do now will pay off someday. It's my W's choice (for now) as to whether she wants to benefit from it.
You can do it, O. One day at a time.
Sometimes I feel like I'm kidding myself...
Yeah. I feel like that too sometimes. The anger, the hurt, the coldness, all of that from W, and yet, somehow, I still believe. That feeling of "if i only had that ONE more chance..." but knowing that theres almost no chance that I will get it.
But thats OK. The work that I do now will pay off someday. It's my W's choice (for now) as to whether she wants to benefit from it.
You can do it, O. One day at a time.
Wise words. There's something settling when you realize you can literally do nothing to change your spouse's mind. Then it's all about you and your own life moving forward.
Hi pigpen. That's the problem moving forward. .. I cant. I don't want to. I want wake up from this nightmare
I hope so Azzork. I pray and have faith that all this fighting, hurting I'm going through will be paid off...
Lord help me!
I hope so Azzork. I pray and have faith that all this fighting, hurting I'm going through will be paid off...
Lord help me!
It depends on HOW you fight, not how HARD you fight.
If youre trapped in quicksand, fighting harder and thrashing about only makes you sink faster.
Thats the beauty of DBing. It's an organized structure designed to help you succeed in fighting SMARTLY.
Do it, live it. Theres no choice BUT to succeed.
Yep your right... turtles always win the race right. ..
Hi avanti. Yes they have been so helpful and thank you for reaching out to me. I have read the dr 2 times and I'm still having trouble setting big boundaries such as tell h to pack his bags already and another issue is that I am having a really hard time is detaching from him... I need to respect myself and tell him he needs to go. I'm running a hotel. But I'm afraid that he'll stop paying rent and all the bills... why is this so hard... I read there are two main things to do before you can reconcile and it's to detach and gal. My 2 main problems. ..
As you've read the book, that's a great start and let's get you into problem solving mode. The first part of that is to determine what your goals are. Have you done that bit? Do they comply with the guidelines MWD sets out? I'm not prying and asking you to post them just get them written and correctly structured so they have impact for you.
If you don't know what you really want to achieve, when you want it to be achieved by and how you are going to do it, there is no real purpose for you. People with purpose and direction thrive and move forward. It's not easy but they do it anyway, become one of those people and the answers to the points you made above will come clear to you.