Much better day today I almost thought I was going to get the whole day through without a tear ...got to 5,07 in the evening before my thouhts got the better of me
I played tennis over the weekend son was ment to but I stood in for him
And then watched him play later in the day
I can only control the things that I can control ....Me
I was I love with my W
The women I see in my house is not my W she is WW and is a very different person.
I actually stood up for myself today not something I have done in months through fear felt better
Ghost
Alright!!
I am still extremely sad that it has come to this but I do understand I cannot fix her I have always been a fixer and I hate not being in control
I feel sad for my family my children
She is on a pathway that will involve selling the house after Christmas
Breaking up the marriage
Getting a divorce
Possibly splitting up the children
And I see no way out of this I know I cannot change her mind she has to want to do this
She says i made her unhappy in our marriage I did contribute to this YES she could also have done things differently we both could have done things differently but the fact is
I DID spend time with her of an evening
I DIID spend time with the kids playing games reading books
I DID go to children's sport days
I DID participate in family meals
I DID help with bath and bed time
I DID take responsibility for cleaning the cars
I DID do the gardening
I DID manage the swimming pool keep it clean
I DID help with the housework
We DID do things together
We DID do things as a family
I DID go to school assemblies
I DID take D to her activities and then help with them
I DID spend time a lot of time with S Taking him four evenings and sometimes weekends to his activities
I DID spend evenings watching Tv with W
We DID have meals out during the daytime where I had booked,the time off
I WAS always considerate when we Made Love / Had sex I would always make sure she was satisfied (possibly too much info)
I DID buy her flowers and gifts
I DID go out to work as much as I could 5 6 or 7 days to earn to provide for my family
YES my W did also go out to work she did provide for our family as well HR work was nights or short term contracts or weekend work or night work she did take on some full time jobs but they still involved being arround the house and she did end up doing a lot of the housework and child care but I also did what I could
BUT IN HER EYES I DID NOT DO ^^^^^^^^^^^^ ENOUGH OF THIS,^^^^^^^^^^^^
WHAT WOULD ENOUGH HAVE LOOKED LIKE
I accept I was not the perfect husband I realise this and I do take responsibility for my share YES I did enjoy time spent playing silly computer games ...after a day's work WAS IT SO WEONG to want to chill out ...YES i should not have done this when the children had not seen much of me I SHOULD HAVE PUT THEM FIRST AND I DID NOT...and now FROM THIS DAY FORWARD I WILL BE THE BEST DAD TO MY CHILDREN
Ghost
Ghost -
There is no enough.
There is no point in looking backwards like this.
Focus forwards. Step by step. Get yourself back.
I realise that there is no enough
I feel that she is being influenced by her girl friend that separate before she did probably a bit of you do it then I will she is also now probably being supported out of this by a male friend ....or I have all this wrong and it is her decision
So looking forward .......a day of work then off to the gym later going to work my ass off in the gym
I have a tennis session tomorrow evening to look forward to
Ghost
Ghost
I tough we'd dealt with that list yesterday? Remember 0/50?
I feel that she is being influenced by her girl friend that separate before she did probably a bit of you do it then I will she is also now probably being supported out of this by a male friend ....or I have all this wrong and it is her decision
Ghost - unfortunately, none of this matters any more.
So looking forward .......a day of work then off to the gym later going to work my ass off in the gym
I have a tennis session tomorrow evening to look forward to
This is what matters.
Hi Ghost, the guys above are right. When you post stuff like that list and complain that your W is being influenced by someone else.....those things are looking backwards.
Doing that is a cheeseless tunnel right now and you don't want to be in that tunnel. As soon as you catch yourself heading into that tunnel, bring the focus right back onto Ghost and what he is going to do tomorrow and next week.....regardless of W.
Just keep remembering this and you will keep moving forward my friend xx
Ghost, you are doing better. I am so happy to see these changes in you. You are going to continue to get stronger and more confident and you are going to be ok. Hang in there Ghost, you are stronger than you realize.
I owe you 8 minutes if you are still mirror smiling!
V
V just the thought of you checking in on me is enough do not feel I need lengthy posts x
Yes still smiling morning and night in fact this evening I have not done it yet so Be right back
Ok all done feeling good ....:)
I am journalising a little here but also have a question
W is saying that we will put the house on the market after Christmas I am not saying anything about it she wants to sell it then she can do most of the work however ....in terms of divorce busting would I be better to get to the point of selling without fear or try to stay in the house together
People talk about partners turning arround after two or three years could we cohabit for this length of time. I do not know the thoughts of her going out clubbing being secretive with txts just hurts I know theis weekend IT will be a night clubbing evening and she is going out with other people as well it just hurts but she does not care and does it anyway
I know cheeseless tunnels need to stfu and focus on me but she knows just how her going out during the marriage used to worry me upset me now it is like [censored] you ghost
At this point just tell her ok about the house. Let her do the work. If she asks you for some help you can do it if you feel comfortable and act like you are ok with it.
I know you have not shown this kind of attitude.
When she is going out, please get a babysitter and go out somewhere else! Get home after her.
Please do this.
I agree with otw.
You are anxious about something that hasn't happened yet!
Remember what you think about expands. Don't think about Pink Elephants, think about what you want, not that which you don't!
Breathe,
Let it unfold.
V
I would love to go out however this is not totally straight forward my w and I have made an agreement that we would go out alternative Saturdays she as not been out for a while and the other person babysits so not much chance of going out.
V you say let it unfold ....I realise I have no control of what she does it just worries me,..... She is going out clubbing on Saturday and her friend is the not so good looking friend that the good looking one (my ww will be hanging out with)
I have no idea if she will go with our male friend as well so tbh I feel scared she will ......
[censored] it she is not treating me fair she is not the women I fell in love with she knows she has and is continuing to break my heart and she does not give a [censored]
I deserve better than this
Sorry for,cheese less tunnel it
She is detaching and I need to detach her doing this ...is probably her way of getting me to the point where I loose my feelings for her
How the heck can a couple that has been together for 25 years separate in June and three and a half months later ...why does it Feel she is so distant already.
I so want to go downstairs and have the "W please can we not just try and work this out conversation,...it does not have to be like this" but I cannot ( so I guess this is progress as three months ago I would have had the conversation
Ghost pull yourself together man it feels like One step forward three friking steps backwards
Ghost
Yes, you do deserve better. Let the house sell. You can't carry on like this. Having been through this now for six months, I believe that in house separations are not in the best interests of the R going forward as I don't think your other half can see loss. That, I think, is the best lesson I've had.
Don't do the 'can we work it out' conversation. Let it go for now.
Dark days ahead Ghost. You need to turn on the light.
People talk about partners turning arround after two or three years could we cohabit for this length of time
To be perfectly honest, I do not know of a case where the couples continued to live under the same roof were able to have a true reconciliation in their MR. It seems almost necessary to have that physical distance, and push the WS out of the nest to fly on their own.......and no further help from the LBS. After they go separate ways, and the WS has time to learn a few hard lessons, then we've seen reports where partners turn back. But staying in your house under the conditions you are in now? Are you crazy???
That house is going to be the death of you, if you don't turn lose and stop this going in circles about it.
I would love to go out however this is not totally straight forward my w and I have made an agreement that we would go out alternative Saturdays she as not been out for a while and the other person babysits so not much chance of going out.
V you say let it unfold ....I realise I have no control of what she does it just worries me,..... She is going out clubbing on Saturday and her friend is the not so good looking friend that the good looking one (my ww will be hanging out with)
I have no idea if she will go with our male friend as well so tbh I feel scared she will ......
[censored] it she is not treating me fair she is not the women I fell in love with she knows she has and is continuing to break my heart and she does not give a [censored]
I deserve better than this
Sorry for,cheese less tunnel it
She is detaching and I need to detach her doing this ...is probably her way of getting me to the point where I loose my feelings for her
How the heck can a couple that has been together for 25 years separate in June and three and a half months later ...why does it Feel she is so distant already.
I so want to go downstairs and have the "W please can we not just try and work this out conversation,...it does not have to be like this" but I cannot ( so I guess this is progress as three months ago I would have had the conversation
Ghost pull yourself together man it feels like One step forward three friking steps backwards
Ghost
The house is one thing. But your thoughts are another. All that stuff in bold is all such an incredible waste of your energy. All it does is spiral you downward.
My wife is going out --> who is she going with --> why doesnt she want to go with me --> why arent I good enough --> and so on down the tunnel...
You need to stop this at that first arrow. Look at the facts and detach from the emotions.
Ghost I've done the in house separation for 9 months now and almost all of that was while watching my W self medicate in an A. Being in the house does give you more opportunities to change certain dynamics but I now think it's not helpful in the long run for reconciliation. I remember where you are, your still in the denial and bargaining stage of this thinking long term cohibation will fix it and she will come back. That's why your also scared she's going to go out with the male friend because you fear she could do something with him or another man. You can't stop what she's going to do, it's out of your control. What you can do is move forward with your life and leave the door cracked in case one day she works out her problems and realizes you weren't the cause of her unhappiness.
I was on the same boat, in house separation for 7 months, things only got worst, although I did GAL.
The emotions and jealousy were still there.
As soon as W got her own place I got to see more of her breaking, then with her parents help she is fully alive again having EAs maybe even PA by now IDK.
These things will eventually come to an end to our expense unfortunately. That is why it is very important to change our old ways. Establish new attitudes. Its a brand new future for all of us. Study something you always wanted to study. Go somewhere you have never been, etc.
Our WWs are way ahead of us already enjoying life, so why cant we.
God Bless Ghost. You're in my prayers!
Hi Ghost,
It looks like it is a little hard for you to stay away from trying to mind-read. I know you can't help what you feel, but just try to remember that feelings change. If you cant stop yourself from wondering what W is thinking or what she might do, try and put a firm limit on it. Allow it for 5 minutes, but then force your attention on anything else.
When I struggle with this, I grab an pen and paper and dive into a short story. Sometimes I write about the H having an A and ending up with a crazy person and losing everything. Other times I write about the perfect H in a perfect M. My stories are horrid, I know this. Sometimes, they are about stupid things like hair styles or race cars. The point is, I force myself to think about ANYTHING else.
Writing may not be for you, but find something that you can do to take your mind far far away.
I'm so sorry for your pain.
What you can do is move forward with your life and leave the door cracked in case one day she works out her problems and realizes you weren't the cause of her unhappiness. [/quote]
Ok I know this is cheeseless but I do not think I have ever asked this question ....I need to hear the answer to this for me to move on another step......as said above and SHE REALIZES YOU WERE NOT THE CAUSE OF HER UNHAPPINESS .......ok So what makes you think I was not the cause ...what if I was the cause of her upset
Quote from Ghost:
People talk about partners turning arround after two or three years could we cohabit for this length of time
I want to clarify something I said, b/c going back today, I see I should have stated it better.
To be perfectly honest, I do not know of a case where the couples continued to live under the same roof were able to have a true reconciliation in their MR. It seems almost necessary to have that physical distance, and push the WS out of the nest to fly on their own.......and no further help from the LBS.
What my mind was saying, and you all couldn't hear......
....is that I can't remember a case about a couple staying together under the same roof
where the WW did not change and the LBH continued to endure her treatment of him. By true reconciliation in the MR, I was referring to becoming the couple who both worked toward a healthy, successful MR.
There have been couples who were able to reconcile while under the same roof. My own story is proof. Starsky's story is another. (He was known as Puppy Dog Tails, back then.) I think Starsky may have separated for a little while, but not positive on that memory point.
IMO, changing the dynamics has to come. If you remain in the same house with a wayward spouse, things will not truly reconcile until the dynamics change.
Let me add this, too, most of the newcomer LBH's are just thinking about getting the W back in the MR. What some fail to see is that getting her back is just the first step. Piecing is hard as hell! It does not mean that things have been fixed. The LBH will discover he has issues popping up that he never thought he would have. He has been so focused on just saving the MR, that he hasn't really dealt with his resentment, unforgiveness, and the lasting damage that was done to the kids and family relationships. Some LBH's become the WAH, once in Piecing. Many couples have
gone into Piecing that could not make it
through. From what I have observed, in a lot of cases, it's b/c the LBS is too eager to let the WS come back. And, if the couple is already under the same roof......then I believe it's even harder.
Ghost, I am still living with H and its been 7 months and I am not sure if this is the best arrangement. Financially, yes, it has worked out, and yes , for childcare purposes it has its advantages. My thinking was that if I "let" him go he'd definitely hook up with OW and that would just get more intense. And if he was living with me I'd have the advantage of showing him all of the ways I changed.
But I am exhausted. Beyond exhausted. Lately I am feeling more and more like we'd be better off living apart.
Ok I know this is cheeseless but I do not think I have ever asked this question ....I need to hear the answer to this for me to move on another step......as said above and SHE REALIZES YOU WERE NOT THE CAUSE OF HER UNHAPPINESS .......ok So what makes you think I was not the cause ...what if I was the cause of her upset
Ok and this ^^^^
I am happy to accept my part but she does not feel she was to blame
Just me not being there for her and the kids and not doing enough
We would,argue over silly things and she fell out of love with me
Basically the only person who is responsible for making me happy is me. It's not fair to place that burden on another person. It's the same with being unhappy, you may have contributed to her bring unhappy but she can't place that fully on you. People in our lives supplement who we are they dont define who we are.
In a M both parties always contribute to its breakdown in some way and if one is placing all that blame on the other they're in denial about their role in what happened.
There's no point in trying to argue that with her though. She has to figure it out herself and the only way that will happen is if you are out of the picture and she still feels that void.
I can't get this right. I meant to add, stay together happily and have the wife he wants.
I can't remember a case about a couple staying together under the same roof where the WW did not change and the LBH continued to endure her treatment of him
Sorry to hijack Ghost,
Last week, I asked my W to take some time and find what will make her happy. She replied that it was not my fault. So... I assume that she may still be feeling the void. So I am backing off as much as I can. I hope that she can connect the dots there too!
I know that LRT is as much about protecting myself, and bettering myself. But, it's very hard for me to put myself first. I still keep W and M in the front of my mind. I found more times to smile and laugh today, and even thought about other things for a bit. So, LRT is helping me... if I could just get out of my own way!
Ok I know this is cheeseless but I do not think I have ever asked this question ....I need to hear the answer to this for me to move on another step......as said above and SHE REALIZES YOU WERE NOT THE CAUSE OF HER UNHAPPINESS .......ok So what makes you think I was not the cause ...what if I was the cause of her upset
Ok and this ^^^^
I am happy to accept my part but she does not feel she was to blame
Just me not being there for her and the kids and not doing enough
We would,argue over silly things and she fell out of love with me
No. 32
Do not believe anything she says. And no mind reading. And of course she will be rewriting marital history. What did you think, she was going to own her $hit? Nope, she needs a scapegoat, and you can make 3 guesses who the scapegoat is in your situation...
and stop spinning your wheels, because you are driving yourself bananas.
Stay strong buddy...
I am going arround in circles I guess I am in denial that my m is over I keep thinking all she needs to do is this or that and things can start to improve.
I want to have R conversations in the hope ther is something I can say something that I have not said but I cannot so I just have to give her space but saying nothing feels like I am giving up or have given up.
I know I cannot control her I just feel that for our family and for our children this is not what anyone deserves....she says I made her feel unhappy during our M the fact is she says she feels happier now. I want to show her she can still be this happy and have me in her life.
I love my W with all my heart she does not believe this and even if she tells me did she does not have these feelings for me.
I worry so much about how we will manage and when I say we I mean me and the children but also I worry how she will manage with the children I feel everyone will have a much lesser life ....bringing the kids up in a $hit area smaller house less money for kids hobbies.
At this point in my life I was hopping that we could all have some nice things and holidays ......my father passed away last year and left me some money and I would love to use this for the benefit of our family now I worry she will want half of it and it will get put into bills and crap pole that
It would just seem wrong if I used some of the money to take kids away but not the w we talked in the past on doing this.
So all I can do is focus on kids focus on me and keep improving making changes for me.....I have little interest in doing the things that I did in the past that made me happy I just want to be happy again as a family.
I am not religious but I pray to God and hope he can hear me
Ghost
This is so not getting any easier I really do not know how my next few months are going to be I'm trying to find things to do with my time I'm trying to work and trying to spend time with my children I was trying to do tennis and I have very little interest at the moment
I am in denial as to the ar I know I am just do not know how to move forward I want to get things back with her
For the sake of the kids their future and mine everything is [censored] right now
Ghost,
god talks to everybody, the trick is to learn how to listen...
And again you go overanalyzing the future. You do not know what the future will bring, so there is really no need to concentrate on the future. Take it one day at a time.
By now I would have figured you came to the conclusion that R talks do not work esp. if you initiate. You are not even a blip on your W's emotional radar, so talking will not work. You know what will? Steady, persistent action. Movement of the Ghost in the right direction. That will work, esp. for Ghost.
Re. your inheritance, I think that inheritance is not a subject to a divorce split, but I may be wrong, you would def. need to talk to a lawyer about that. While we are on the subject, have you gotten legal advice yet?
Time to get going buddy, you are still just stumping your feet, standing still and feeling sorry for yourself. I understand you, but it is not a healthy place to be. Get your a$$ in gear and move!
I thought we'd been through lists and R talks before? It's not working, so leave it for now.
Ghost56, firstly thank you for your contributions to my sitch, they are most appreciated.
I am new to yours and so forgive me if I am missing particular details, it is simply that my observations of your recent and not so recent posts are about things that you are acknowledging as "cheeseless" or that you are "trying".
This led to the following thoughts and questions,
1) It is good that you know that you are waiting for something that's not going to come, why are you wearing the chair out at the end of the tunnel anyway?
2) Is trying the same as doing? In my book, trying is not whole hearted, doing is a fully committed position. So how do you feel about making that simple word swap for a week or two and to see what happens to your thinking and actions? Call it your experiment on you. It'll take practice but you'll soon get the hang of it "I am doing not trying...", if you slip don't criticise yourself (it is important that you don't)be thankful that you've caught yourself and gently rephrase your sentence.
While on the subject of swapping things, you have posted a lot and have many threads in a very short period of time (not a bad thing in itself), sampling each one shows a common theme, vicious circles. This is the symptom of someone who is depressed and there are many ways round it, drugs are one (Prozac or something similar). Many in the medical profession are now longing towards talking and action therapies, such as Congnitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), or the non-spiritual Mindfulness Meditation, as the results are often achieved quicker and there's no need to upset you body's chemistry with foreign substances that may take months to find a balance and so be of assistance.
All of these non-medication focussed routes are about one thing and that's recognising that when you have a dark thought and allow it to go round in your mind, it gets embellished each time round, the more times it goes round the darker it gets until it obstructs all other thoughts. The therapies then take you through methods to recognise the dark thoughts and guide yourself towards something that is in the present, not the past or the future (you can't change the past and the future hasn't happened yet and you can affect it by what you do now).
Your R with your W is important, the most important thing to you right now based on your posts, is it OK to suggest that your mind is actually making things worse through creation of dark thoughts and getting you further away from where you want to be and that in itself is causing you to have further dark thoughts?
If you agree, what kind of things do you think will help YOU (not your R, not your M, not your W) to achieve greater clarity in your thinking?
One last question, do you want to stop feeling the way you do right now and have done for a while? If so, the only thing that can do that is to change you and that's what we are all willing you to do. Get you right and your world will change dramatically and all the other things that are important to you will start to become less challenging as you'll start to see a way forward that works for you, as it's your design so it'll fit perfectly.
You are your answer to everything, recognise that and start making life what you want it to be, rather than what it was, or should be.
Of course it could always be that by not being fully up to speed with your sitch that I've missed something fundamental and all the above is hog wash, so feel free to ignore me. :-)
Ghost,
It was her decision to not want you as her husband anymore and break the M contract.
Ghost, I am praying for you. I feel the same way that you do. But I also "get" that the rules have changed, our spouses want out. We cannot control that. It is heartbreaking. It will be for a long, long time. The thoughts you are having are normal. This is extremely hard. I have gone through some sh!t in my life, and this heartbreak has been by far the hardest thing for me. I get you, I really do. But you have to pull yourself together. Your options here are not about how to get your W back anymore, your options are- deal with this in a way that preserves your dignity and leaves you stronger, or crumble. Those are your options. And as a dad you know you don't really have a choice. Stop fighting this so much, and pull yourself together. I don't say that lightly. I say that with love and understanding. And I say it just as much to you as to remind myself because I am walking through this same thing with you Ghost. We all are.
To all my DBustimg friends you truly have been the best support that I could ask for I kniw I have to get into the moment .
I know EXACTLY my problem and that is my W is still at home we are arround each other quite a lot of the time we still do plenty together today it was lunch at a small itialien two days ago we watched a movie on,TV ....we watch Tv box sets together several nights a week we do a family day out most weekends with the kids she cooks for me and the kids as I do for her and the kids I do my share of the house work
She is nice to me and I am nice to her we get along very well no intamacy no hugging no kissing
Do I feel detached ....No
Do we get along Yes
Is she going to insist the house is sold yes
I do not want to distance myself from my wife pull away .....stop doing this -^^^^^ But if I don't then BOMB DATE TWO WILL HIT and I have no idea how I will cope with this
So is it Posable to do the above whilst still distancing and detaching any idea
I thank you all ...I know I am not doing a great job of this but will keep trying to find strength
Ghost
Little by little you need to be unavailable to her. You need to get out if the house or too busy right now to watch XYZ. You chose the best balance.
You have a choice. Do you want to make the transition period as comfortable as possible for ye both and make the most of your tine "together" before there is none. If this is your choice, you are on track. If you want to improve your chances of having a R with W later and if you want to be better prepared for the next bomb and it's afteraffects,you need to listen to what you have been advised and what you have intended doing for a while now.
Plus you have confirmed W is WW. I am no specialist but sandi is adament that you cannot nice a WW back.
Good luck
Ghost56, are thinking about the future, or the past or the present? What noises can you hear at the moment? What can you see around you? That's the present.
The present is the only thing that matters because it's the only thing that's real and you can have an impact on. The future is something you make as a result of your actions in the here and now, the past is fixed, so forget it.
It's scientifically proven that people who spend a lot of time thinking about the present moment are by far the happiest as compared to those living the past or the future.
What one simple thing are you going to do right now for Ghost56, not your M or your W, for Ghost56? It's not a trick question or something anyone other than Ghost 56 can answer.
Once you've thought of it (and don't over think it, allow it to be the first thing that comes into your mind) then go and do it and then decide what the next thing is you are going to do for Ghost56 (no one else) and go and do it. Keep your mind fixed on those simple things and the experience of doing them, the sounds, the feelings, the thoughts about the specific task...
You're still going for meals together? Wow, I'd give my right arm for that. I think she's 'cake eating' to a degree here - correct me other DB's if you think I'm wrong.
As I see it, she's taking the best of what Ghost has to give, money, food,etc. but not having to give anything back in return. That's not healthy is it?
I think you have to start developing a harder shell to all this and do a little less together. Remember what is in DB and sandi2's rules - be a bit mysterious!
Ghost, I agree with Huddy & the others. I don't think you having lunches out and watching box sets with your W is going to win her back. It puts you more into 'friend' territory, and I don't think that is the right way to go with a WW.
I don't see that you need to do a huge pull back. But I do think you need to build your own life and GAL activities up, so you are much less available to do this kind of stuff. And your W starts to wonder....what is Ghost up to when he's out at the tennis club etc. Don't be completely transparent. Start to be a little more mysterious.
I know you don't want to stop doing that stuff. But which do you want more? Carry on doing that stuff as long as you can (until you completely lose your W) or pull back (which may start to draw her towards you?)
Thank you for your posts
Very hard to detach whilst living under the same roof
I understand I cannot nice her back just if we are getting along would it not be good to try to build on this ....not in the tru sence of db
I was doing the same things for quite a while ghost, I was under the same roof everything was nice and dandy, even though I knew she was leaving etc. Then she finally left and I was still having lunches dinners, etc. then she started talking about OMs etc... I then realized I had become a friend...
I immediately changed my behavior and asked for D
Have not talked to W , I always found a reason for me to call, etc. I was not DBing..
ILYNOT
I guess this is where I am heading [censored] and there is nothing I can do to stop it
I worry about her going clubbing she will be doing this tomorrow but there is nothing I can do about this.....i do not like it I think this will bang another nail in the coffin .....I wanted her to see my changes believe that i have become the man she always wanted but I am kidding myself she feels nothing towards me nothing ....she has built up so much resentment over our marriage that she cannot let it go ...So I can be nice for the next few months as this is all the time I have left or I can detach now and not spend any time with her pull away from her now I do not want to do this either.
It is 4.30 am I cannot sleep I am worrying about the future I have been told to stop and to think of today focus just on me this is great advice ...but I just can not think of my future without her and how it will be a huge struggle I do not want to entertain these thoughts I am in denial that our marriage is over and is un repairable. I want to talk to her ....try to reason with her remind her of the love she had for me but I cannot do this
I am rehashing in my mind over and over and then over again....I know it is actions not words .....I want to reach out to her hold her hands when we pass in the kitchen look her in her eyes and tell her once again I am sorry for the past I have told her many many times she knows how sorry I am
In her mind she has been upset for many years and I was the cause of this upset by not being with her not doing enough for her I was the cause of her feeling sad and upset and she does not want the go back to his as right now she is not sad or upset she actually feels happier.
She forgets that I was working my ass off to earn and build a business so we could live in this house
I do not want to be just a friend but this is where I am at right now and I cannot see a way out of the darkness.
I know this is my journey and only I can decide what I do ...i am absolutely rubbish in making my decisions for me to make a decision means I accept this and I cannot I do not want to.
Please God help me with my thoughts help me through the next few day the next few hours please guide me help me to the right to choices. I love my children their future is bleak.
Are there people here on this forum that have seporated then divorced that have children ...do the children cope do they even care or do they just adjust and get on with it.
I wish I had strength last year I lost my father this year my W wants to leave my mother is getting old and is not in the best of health my,eldest daughter is not close to me because of the time I spent with my son,
I just want to love and be loved ....
THE ONLY THING I CAN CONTROL IS ME
I AM IN CONTROL OF MY OWN HAPPINESS
I CANNOT CONTROL MY W SHE WILL LIVE HER LIFE AS SHE WANTS TO
THIS WAS NOT ALL MY FAULT
GHOST
I understand I cannot nice her back
Hi Ghost, you wrote this and then negated it with....just, if we are getting along, shouldn't I build on it??
No - because that will keep you a) stuck and b) back-up plan. A little more alpha male is called for IMHO. Not being a jerk - but accepting that she wants to do this, and if she is you are making your own life. So, less being available to watch box sets and more not being around 'cause you played tennis then stayed on for a drink after etc...
Also, that whole worry cycle you posted is cheeseless tunnel territory. You are worrying about a whole pile of things you can't control.
Can you have a think about a new morning routing for you to stop this worry cycle, because this seems to be a tough time of day for you. Instead of lying there worrying, what nourishing early morning activities could you do to set you up for the day?? I'm going to give you some ideas:
Start a gratitude journal
Yoga
Meditate
Read a chapter of a self-help book
Keep a journal (a general one as well as gratitude...)
Plan your next GAL activity
You are making progress I think - but you falter and drop back into worry and panic mode. If you can get a handle on this and stop panicking, you will move forward more steadily my friend.....good luck xx
There you go again worrying about the future and preoccupying your mind with matter of which you have no control of.
Yes, your wife checked out, yes she is going clubbing, but that is not your concern and none of your business.
And WTF regarding your children's future is bleak?!? You are their father and you take care of them, why should their future be bleak?!? Have you seen children in Somaila, Syria, Iraq? How dare you call your children's future bleak?
And again you go with the mind reading... Assumption is the mother of all fcukups... Don't do the mind reading. Really! No good can come out of it. I get you, dude, I reall do, but you are just burying yourself in self pity and you are doing yourself no favors.
Holding her hands and telling her you are sorry will not sway her. We have all told you that and yet you refuse to believe. So my suggestion is go ahead and do it. Grab her hand in the kitchen and spill your soul to her. I know you have to get it out of your system, I know the uncertainty is eating you inside. So, do it, get it out of your system and be done with it.
You are doing quite well for the stage you are in (being 4 months post BD), sure you could be doing a lot better, but you will get there.
Stay strong buddy...
Hi Ghost...me again!
The other thing I want to say is that at some point I realised my own desires and impulses were not going to serve me well in trying to save our M. By those I mean the impulse to talk to H, tell him I love him, hug him, hold his hand, tell him we could work this out.
I realised that the wealth of experience on this forum, the knowledge of those who have been through this and MWDs own wise approach were going to be the way to go. Those were much more likely to save our M than what I sensed. So, I decided to suspend my own judgement and follow DBing to a tee.
Ok thank you again for levelling me
Ok decide on the stfu smoothie and not to say anything to w
Mornings are defiantly the hardest part for me so will look at shelf help books and meditation as ways to take my mind off things
Sotto thank you for checking in then dropping back with even more help
Vapo the point you made about her going clubbing and it not being my business I have to see this ....yes on paper we are married but I cannot control her and what she is going to do or not do ......during our marriage I guess I was controlling she would not go out clubbing did not want to upset me
Thank you both feeling better
Ghost
I know EXACTLY my problem and that is my W is still at home we are arround each other quite a lot of the time we still do plenty together today it was lunch at a small itialien two days ago we watched a movie on,TV ....we watch Tv box sets together several nights a week we do a family day out most weekends with the kids she cooks for me and the kids as I do for her and the kids I do my share of the house work
The problem is NOT that your W is still at home. The problem is you. You are in-house separation, but you are continuing as nothing is different. What is your payoff? I can see hers, but what is yours?
I do not want to distance myself from my wife pull away .....stop doing this -^^^^^ But if I don't then BOMB DATE TWO WILL HIT and I have no idea how I will cope with this
The problem
is......you don't wanna. You are afraid and co-dependent. You continue to say it's too hard. DBing isn't about what you
want to do. It's not about taking the road that feels easier.
I really can sympathize about losing your father. I was 41 when I lost my dad, and nothing was ever the same again. He was a man's man. He was a part of the Greatest Generation......and he was my hero. Even as I write, I am emotional about him. How much your recent loss of your father and the fear of losing your W could be linked, IDK. I don't know if you have always had racing thoughts and continued to spin around, going over the same old stuff again and again. IMO, you need to seek another professional to help you get control of this issue.
It's okay to vent your frustrations, fears, and concerns on the board. Just personally speaking, I feel you are getting the same advice over & over, but you won't do it. So, it's like being on a merry-go-round. You are stuck, spinning around and getting nowhere.
It's odd. I have noticed many H's, much like you, give good advice to others. But, applying it to your own situation is very hard.
You are not helpless, Ghost. Stop being your own worst enemy.
Ghost
One thing i have noticed in my own situation that may help you.
You have identified this is not all your fault. Why continue to want to apologize to her and tell her how great it can be now? This just reassures her that she is doing the right thing because you caused this, and now it is too late that you want to be better.
We know it is not your fault. She is battling her own stuff and as long as she is able to blame you she will never get through.
For the future thoughts, why not picture the future you want instead of the future you are fearing? Seems silly right now right? So does trying to predict the future as being bad. You dont know!
This is all hard but really try.
Hi Sandi
I was not that close to my father so loosing him did not affect me very much at all
Yes I grieved his loss but nothing like this. Loosing my w well this is different much much harder to come to terms with.
Yes I have to make a choice to detach ...how,do I do this when she is being nice friendly yes her pay off is nice guy ghost me I have lost my W lover but retain my friend
Otw I do think that part of the marriage breakdown was caused by me but not all of it in her mind she does not own any of it ...she says it was because of me not doing enough and not spending the evenings with her and not spending quality time with the kids
So yes I know I cannot fix her or make her love me she wants out the marriage i cannot make her stay this is her choice I do not think it should be me to put the house on the market she wants out then this is something she can do.
Yes I will distance myself from her yes I will try to DB like I should have been
Thanks for everything evey ounce of help really does help me now as my post says I will try to keep working on ghost
her pay off is nice guy ghost me I have lost my W lover but retain my friend
Ghost -
Maybe this is your problem.
Right now, she is NOT your friend.What if one of your other friends treated you like this - lying, cheating, ignoring, etc, etc. Im sure you wouldnt be doing everything to win them back...
Ghost, detaching is hard. I thought I had detached but then found myself back at square one, and now working on it again. It is very hard.
What helps me to detach is that I think of the most outrageous things H has said or done to me. When I think about some of these things it becomes very obvious to me that this is not about me, it is all about him, and unfortunately some of these things he has said are so pathetic that it makes my stomach turn and then I am able to detach. It helps me to depersonalize what he is saying. I think for me that is one key to detaching, but it is still focusing on him, so that is probably why my periods of detaching don't last long.
So I am looking for a way to turn my attention to myself in combination with observing H in a depersonalized manner. My GAL activities haven't done that for me, they keep me busy so I am not obsessing over H, but have not helped me with detachment.
Posting here helps. Playing with my children helps. Maybe because these are outlets for the emotional connection I am seeking that H is not available to provide right now. I tried flirting with an old boyfriend and I can tell you that if I kept that up that would have helped me detach! But would have lead me down a path I wasn't looking for. Probably why our spouse's are detached if you think about it. They found a connection elsewhere.
You are hard on yourself Ghost. We all struggle with this, you will get it eventually. If I figure it out I will give you some tips.
Ok can I just ask a quick question
W is going out tomorrow night clubbing it has been arranged however I do not really want to be at home seeing her getting dressed up perfume on markup on tight jeans etc knowing she is going out to have fun it will upset me seeing this
We Cannot get a Babysitter so my options are
A) go out before she goes out take the baby and my sons to my mums so I do not have to see her getting ready
B) stay in stfu and try not to get upset
Do I say something to her like " sorry but I have to go out as watching you get ready to go out knowing you are clubbing is going to upset me " or do I say nothing
Thanks
Ghost
Ghost, take your kids to your mom's house and say NOTHING.
I will make a deal with you Ghost. You say nothing and I will also refrain from telling my H my feelings. We can do this together, ok?
Ghost, you need to recognise that saying stuff like that to your W is a poor idea. So, knowing that you won't like to see her getting ready, you just need to make your own plans. And don't make them 'in relation' to your W - just make your own fun plans and do them, because its good to spend time with your kids at your Mum's.
Have a nice time x
Ghost, take your kids to your mom's house and say NOTHING.
Better yet, take them someplace awesome! Batting cages, go-kart racing, arcade, I dont know....anywhere!
Thank you
I do not have time to sort out a baby sitter my daughter is going out so I will have to go to my mums
I just do not want to see my w getting dolled up knowing she is going clubbing
Photo we have a deal I will not say anythng to my w about it upsetting me
I do not have time to sort out a baby sitter my daughter is going out so I will have to go to my mums
I dont understand this. From your signature, I guess your youngest is 2 1/2. While she wont be able to DRIVE a Go-Kart, there will be enough for her to do if you take her to one of these kinds of places.
Im sure that you are capable of managing your kids all at once. Why do you HAVE to go to your mom's?
Agreed. Say nothing. I wouldn't even tell her where I'm going and would leave with out saying good bye or anything else.
Azz she is nearly 2 .....I changed my signature slightly
There is nothing like that anywhere near to me
Yes I will only have my eldest boy and my youngest daughter youngest son is away for the weekend and eldest daughter is out with her br
Yes I have to make a choice to detach ...how,do I do this when she is being nice friendly yes her pay off is nice guy ghost me I have lost my W lover but retain my friend
Her
acting friendly is not the real thing. Want to see if I'm right? Just cross her and stand up to her and see how friendly she is. That's what scares you, right? That she'll be mad at you, and you won't be able to handle her wrath.
It is difficult for me to understand any man that would rather
settle for some loveless friendship, instead of love. But, that's me.
W is going out tomorrow night clubbing it has been arranged however I do not really want to be at home seeing her getting dressed up perfume on markup on tight jeans etc knowing she is going out to have fun it will upset me seeing this
Okay, so this nice, friendly W is going out and having fun clubbing around, but a babysitter can't be afforded? I thought you said you inherited some money? I thought you said it had been agreed that the two of you would alternate the weekends? (I think you said you couldn't go out until after she had her weekend.....
) Hen-pecked!
Do I say something to her like " sorry but I have to go out as watching you get ready to go out knowing you are clubbing is going to upset me " or do I say nothing
Why do you ask these foolish questions, when you KNOW what we'll say? Yes, Ghost, tell her exactly the above and see how attractive that makes you look.
Honestly! You
know darn well you don't say that spineless cr@p to a woman who like her.
"We re going to the movies/fun dinner /bounce house /whatever. We'll see you later, bye!"
. Can you drop the little one with your mom and take your son to do something fun?
Be someone only a fool would leave. Would a fool leave someone who said, "I can't be around you when you are getting ready to go out because it hurts me too much "? NO.
Detach. Detach. Detach. You CAN do this.
Sandi2
You say her acting friendly is not the real thing can I ask 4 months ago we were friendly and we were married I thought happily are you saying that if she has been detaching for several years that during this time she was just acting friendly or does a ww feelings change on the date they drop the bomb to the partner.
Can I ask some advice
So she is going clubbing she would say this is the first time in 3 weeks she has been out ....so in a healthy relationship would it not be normal for her to go out every so often with mates ? She says she is not looking for guys ..who knows
Yes I could afford a babysitter but I we do not know anyone and w would not have me leave baby with just anyone I do not think I would feel comftable doing this either
Sandi you are right it would sound pretty pathetic me saying this to W
Sandi i really do value your feedback
Thank you so much
Ghost
Ghost.
My W has been super 'friendly' since she filed. Since then, I have went from catering to her ever whim, to starting to stand up for myself and protect myself. When I have asserted myself, she has backed down and tried to make me happy every time. I grew my balls back, and gained respect from myself and W. I'm not trying to pick fights, just putting my foot down on some issues. I feel better about me, and W isn't any worse towards me. In fact, she may be more real to me then.
Good luck
dday, as some one who isn't fully up to speed with your sitch I'd say you've stopped being a mr nice guy and that has garnered you the respect from your W. Have you ultimately done a 180 on her by growing your balls back?
I can tell you this ghost, my W moved out in may and my kids have actually gotten closer to her and are much happier than they were when we were together, how long will this last? IDK but they are happy which is all that matters to me.
Keep praying, keep Detaching, keep GAL. get the ball moving the faster the better. Don't keep doing what I did, I am months behind on DBing/.
Ghost56, buddy, you've had a lot of advice and keep,asking questions that show a yes but attitude. Here's some tough love, so be prepared.
Sandi2 is a goldmine of information and advice. She is also one of the most patient people I know, even she is, to me anyway, a little frustrated with you.
Many are giving you DB'ing advice, others are saying you need professional help, some giving you guidance on how to change your mindset, many different angles, all trying to help and yet you say, "yes but" to all of them.
It's time to man up and look at what people are saying to you, stop with the I can't rhetoric and start with the I can attitude.
I feel your pain, I was there once and when I started to really listen to the advice being given and acting on it, things started to change for me in ways I couldn't imagine back then.
Do yourself a huge favour and look back over all of the rich, insightful, empathic and compassionate advice you've had on your thread. Pick something that you think MIGHT work and run with it, no questions, just do it, then ask questions when you start to get results, whatever they may be.
Tough love speech over. Now, take action Ghost56, we are all rooting for you!
Ghost, I was a "don't rock the boat" guy. And for the last year or so, my W put everything ahead of our M. Blamed me for everything, and made me actually believe it! So I went into super H mode, until she told me she wanted a D. Now, through counseling and DB, I have 180 and stood up for myself. It is helping me detach, and realize what was wrong on her side of the M too. Remember, it took 2 of you to get here. You can lead her to wake up, but you can't make her. Listen to the vets! Learn from their experience, and save yourself some of the heartache that can be avoided
Ghost56, buddy, you've had a lot of advice and keep,asking questions that show a yes but attitude. Here's some tough love, so be prepared.
Sandi2 is a goldmine of information and advice. She is also one of the most patient people I know, even she is, to me anyway, a little frustrated with you.
Many are giving you DB'ing advice, others are saying you need professional help, some giving you guidance on how to change your mindset, many different angles, all trying to help and yet you say, "yes but" to all of them.
It's time to man up and look at what people are saying to you, stop with the I can't rhetoric and start with the I can attitude.
I feel your pain, I was there once and when I started to really listen to the advice being given and acting on it, things started to change for me in ways I couldn't imagine back then.
Do yourself a huge favour and look back over all of the rich, insightful, empathic and compassionate advice you've had on your thread. Pick something that you think MIGHT work and run with it, no questions, just do it, then ask questions when you start to get results, whatever they may be.
Tough love speech over. Now, take action Ghost56, we are all rooting for you!
Avanti I do hear you sandi she is amazing and I really am not trying to push the patience of anyone she has been absolutely fantastic and I respect and truly value her guidence
I am spinning I will re read this thread several times to try to get my head arround the help that has been posted
Yes I have to make a choice to detach ...how,do I do this when she is being nice friendly yes her pay off is nice guy ghost me I have lost my W lover but retain my friend
Her
acting friendly is not the real thing. Want to see if I'm right? Just cross her and stand up to her and see how friendly she is. That's what scares you, right? That she'll be mad at you, and you won't be able to handle her wrath.
It is difficult for me to understand any man that would rather
settle for some loveless friendship, instead of love. But, that's me.
[quote]W is going out tomorrow night clubbing it has been arranged however I do not really want to be at home seeing her getting dressed up perfume on markup on tight jeans etc knowing she is going out to have fun it will upset me seeing this
Okay, so this nice, friendly W is going out and having fun clubbing around, but a babysitter can't be afforded? I thought you said you inherited some money? I thought you said it had been agreed that the two of you would alternate the weekends? (I think you said you couldn't go out until after she had her weekend.....
) Hen-pecked!
Do I say something to her like " sorry but I have to go out as watching you get ready to go out knowing you are clubbing is going to upset me " or do I say nothing
Why do you ask these foolish questions, when you KNOW what we'll say? Yes, Ghost, tell her exactly the above and see how attractive that makes you look.
Honestly! You
know darn well you don't say that spineless cr@p to a woman who like her.
Sandi2 thank you for this valuable post I am not purposely fighting you and everyone else's advice I see everyone's situation as different and I really do not know how to handle this my head is saying I should be detaching and should be moving away and doing everything that you're saying but my heart is saying she's being nice we are getting along things seem to be okay but they're not
I know it took my wife a long time to get to this position she has told me it was three years ago when she started to feel like she wanted to be out the marriage it has taken her three years to get to this point
I know I cannot write to her I know I cannot keep having relationship conversations I do not want to do this and yet I do want to do this.
What if the is some doubt in her mind what if I am choosing now to go along with what she wants and then there is regret I guess it is the red pill or the blue one
Sandi2 thank you so much you really have no idea just how much you have helped me
I will read some more
Thank you all
Ghost
Then make a single firm decision, nothing big, and act. Your paralysis will then evaporate and your next step will appear.
Are you still smiling?
At least 4 minutes a day? Has it helped?
We have another three days, if it's helped we are going to up the anti just a little bit. We are going to take that smile and use it in the other minutes of the day.
I just need to know you are creating a new smiling habit first, so it's in your subconscious.
It will be fun, I promise. In preparation I would like you to listen to a Michael Jackson song, and I am wondering if you can guess which one?
V
Don't blame it on the good times blame it on the boogie ???? Or I'm bad ....no more Mr nice guy
Yes still smiling morning and evening :o).
Goals for today keep in the present don't look too far ahead
Ghost comes first children a close second my w I will be pleaent to but she is no more than a friend
If I want to watch Tv it is because I want to watch Tv not to spend it with the w
Do I enjoy her company yes am I going to start to detach yes
Time to loose some of this attraction she is hurting me with her actions remember this ghost
Keep it up ghost. You can do this!
Right going to my parents then out for some food
It's hard not to count down the hours to when w goes out mind is going overtime
ENOUGH. STOP. NO MORE.
Just marking this for my own progress ...so nearly said to my W that it upsets me when you to out...... but bit my lip and just walked out
Small steps for me
You are doing it Ghost!
Good job. If you had told her she would have ignored you anyway. Keep it up.
Well done Ghost....baby steps forward....keep taking them. In time, they grow into huge great changes
Her being out [censored] [censored] I'm going to sleep
goals for tomorrow no r talk
Do clean my cars
Smile morning and evening
Those are good goals Ghost. Maybe add something that is fun or nurturing for yourself?
I will clean my car tomorrow too, you inspired me! There is a lot of kid crap in my car, it all shifts every time I turn a corner. Skateboards, scooters, you name it. I will clean it out tomorrow.
Don't blame it on the good times blame it on the boogie ???? Or I'm bad ....no more Mr nice guy
Yes still smiling morning and evening :o).
Goals for today keep in the present don't look too far ahead
Ghost comes first children a close second my w I will be pleaent to but she is no more than a friend
If I want to watch Tv it is because I want to watch Tv not to spend it with the w
Do I enjoy her company yes am I going to start to detach yes
Time to loose some of this attraction she is hurting me with her actions remember this ghost
Nope. No correct guesses.
Tomorrow when you look and smile in the mirror. Grin when you know.
We are going to have some laughter and fun, turn the smile to a grin.
You are allowed to laugh allowed now for nearly a minute a day, and we have a tune to hum.
I do hope you like Michael Jacksons music........
If not I apologise. Maybe I should have chosen Lionel Ritchie?
V
So this is my pain w is out clubbing clubs shut at 2.am ish and here I am cannot sleep and am awake feel like being downstairs when she gets in and tell her just how it makes me feel
She is out having fun making new friends doing [censored] knows what
I just want to turn this arround I am 46 short fat and balding I am too old to be trying to move on and form another relationship if she is already thinking of this if she is .....she is good looking slim blonde she could be with someone in no time at all .....her life moves on nicely
I hate her for doing this I do not want to hate her but right now I am actually starting to really [censored] hate the bitch god I need to stfu
V sorry just seen your post Michael Jackson is gat
Yes I will grin I do and will laugh
Thank you
Ghost x
Ghost. My H is 52 short fat and completely bald. But he has found himself a 30ish slim OW. It wasn't about physical appearance.
So don't sell yourself short
no pun intended!
Ok on that note .....i Am moving to Canada !
JPEG ok Point taken
So this is my pain w is out clubbing clubs shut at 2.am ish and here I am cannot sleep and am awake feel like being downstairs when she gets in and tell her just how it makes me feel
She is out having fun making new friends doing [censored] knows what
how about you go out, have some fun and make new friends?
Ghost56,
I will try to read and catch up on your thread.
I think we may connect.
So is my WH, short, bald and fat. POWs everywhere. Even an Italian woman from Italy on holiday.
My goodness Jpeg, are these WH cloned?
No short bald and fat are everywhere.
Ghost you can do something about one of those three attributes!
And it isn't being folically challenged!
Actually I do believe we have hit a prime fear, a belief which can be released- let's see if I understand the limiting beliefs.
I fear being abandoned because WW is so attractive she can find another partner easily.
I fear being alone because I see myself as physically unattractive, short bald and fat.
I fear that because of my appearance I cannot be loved.
As a result:
I am insecure and think WW shouldn't go out at all, every time she does (especially clubbing) it triggers my fears and need to control.
I take very little action to improve me because I fear all of the above.
I think Only WW can love me, if she leaves there will never be love, I am unattractive in my own eyes therefore to women.
I need WW to love me because I haven't love for this short bald fat H.
---------------------------------------------
That's a lot of fear, my friend, I can see you struggling to change behaviour and that is very difficult with will power. I think we could tackle his from the beliefs up. It's all linked to appearance, it won't do any good telling you to look inside, what is on the inside is most important. Why not? This seems to be your belief set.
Were you teased as a child?
How old are these beliefs?
Has it been this way since you met WW?
It would be good to know that these are your beliefs, how long they have been there and what effect they have had on you.
Something definitely to discuss with IC.
--------------------------------------------
So, with this insight I think the mirror work will do well.
We could also tackle the one issue that can be changed- your weight.
This is a belief set I really understand, it's one I am tackling myself. My programming arises because a of abuse and yes, I see myself as fat too. Short, yes. Balding, yes, but my hair fell out because of the stress, it's called diffuse alopecia. I now use Rogaine and extreme self care.
So how overweight are you?
What is your current regime for tackling it. Your goals, do they include your health as a priority.
Is GAL including exercise and movement on the cards.
Ghost, this is a health issue perhaps?
Is this anything WW has said or is it your view of you?
--------------------------------------
Keep smiling at that man in the mirror!
I think we are at long last seeing some light. All I need to find is the light switch.
V
Ghost, I think that is diamond advice from V. If you can, shall we put what your W is doing to one side for now and look at this with you?
I think V may be right and the key to progress may lie within this. When people talk about becoming the 'best you' it doesn't really mean helping out with the dishes. It is at a deeper level.
I hope you'll be willing to take a good look at this area my friend xx
So is my WH, short, bald and fat. POWs everywhere. Even an Italian woman from Italy on holiday.
My goodness Jpeg, are these WH cloned?
No short bald and fat are everywhere.
Ghost you can do something about one of those three attributes!
And it isn't being folically challenged!
Ok so I am doing something about my weight at least I am trying to since BD I have lost over 2 stone
Actually I do believe we have hit a prime fear, a belief which can be released- let's see if I understand the limiting beliefs.
I fear being abandoned because WW is so attractive she can find another partner easily.
I fear being alone because I see myself as physically unattractive, short bald and fat.
I fear that because of my appearance I cannot be loved.
I believe you are spot on with the above
As a result:
I am insecure and think WW shouldn't go out at all, every time she does (especially clubbing) it triggers my fears and need to control.
I do not have any issues with her going out but I do have a fear that she will find someone else this has always been a fear throughout my marriage but not once did she ever do anything to even suggest she would stray perhaps I always thought how lucky I was to have a girl that was so pretty as my W
I take very little action to improve me because I fear all of the above.
I think Only WW can love me, if she leaves there will never be love, I am unattractive in my own eyes therefore to women.
How do you know me so well
I need WW to love me because I haven't love for this short bald fat H.
Yes perhaps this is it I think. Do have love for me but fear I will not find another love and I know I will always be thinking about my W who has now left me my biggest fear
---------------------------------------------
That's a lot of fear, my friend, I can see you struggling to change behaviour and that is very difficult with will power. I think we could tackle his from the beliefs up. It's all linked to appearance, it won't do any good telling you to look inside, what is on the inside is most important. Why not? This seems to be your belief set.
Were you teased as a child? yes by my peers and my father
How old are these beliefs? Goes back all my life I must have been about 8 when my father stood me against the wall took photos of me and sent me to slimming counselling
Has it been this way since you met WW? My W never had any issues with my weight she has issues about her body but she is beautiful she was abused as a child by step mother
It would be good to know that these are your beliefs, how long they have been there and what effect they have had on you.
Something definitely to discuss with IC.
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So, with this insight I think the mirror work will do well.
We could also tackle the one issue that can be changed- your weight.yes this is something I really am trying to do
This is a belief set I really understand, it's one I am tackling myself. My programming arises because a of abuse and yes, I see myself as fat too. Short, yes. Balding, yes, but my hair fell out because of the stress, it's called diffuse alopecia. I now use Rogaine and extreme self care.
So how overweight are you? I currently weigh 18 stone and the heaviest I have ever been is 21 stone I would like to aim to be 14.5 stone and build some muscle as well
What is your current regime for tackling it. Your goals, do they include your health as a priority. I am eating a lot less bad foods and drinking more water and less fizzy I joined a gym but realise this is something I need to go more to my work has gone quiet so this is defiantly something I am going to be stepping up I would like to go at least twice a week
Is GAL including exercise and movement on the cards. Yes
Ghost, this is a health issue perhaps? Yes it is a health issue I also want to be arround for my children
Is this anything WW has said or is it your view of you? This is my view my W has mentioned that I should loose weight for my health but she never made the pint of saying I needed to loose the weight it was always if I wanted to
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Keep smiling at that man in the mirror! Thanks for the clue V man in the mirror
I think we are at long last seeing some light. All I need to find is the light switch.
V