Still working on processing the haste in her wanting to move it along. W emails me last night about legal proceedings and what her lawyer is going to do next. I did not reply. That is between her lawyer and mine. I don't want to muddy the waters or reveal my hand.
Having to work out the anger issues from yesterday.
Breathing exercises, quiet reflection, more breathing execises, prayer, all of the above.
She keeps wanting to be friends, sending me photos, updates on kids, updates on the legal process.
I don't want to be her friend. She continues to lie to me. She continues to lie to our children.
How can I move past this??? Will the finality of the D make these feelings go away or will the feelings still be the same.
What is it I fear? Change? Being replaced? Lost family , most likely all of the above. Knowin that she has so happily moved on with her AP? I have already been living the "divorced" life or the past year, nothing will change except the tax filing status.
Ack. Must focus on work. The more I think about it, the more I realize that this was going to happen, it was just a matter of time.
I really had no part in this other than being a bit player. So how I play my part in this fiasco remains up to me. Go out dignified/silent or go out with amputation.
I already know the answer. Now how to achieve the objective is the goal.
Took dogs for a long walk last night. That felt good and it felt good to just walk and enjoy the impending Fall. I can feel it in the air.
Hang in there. The mixed messages are very confusing. I've learned the hard way to try to not get caught up in figuring it out, and just focus on who I want to be. I want to be a compassionate, caring person who is able to keep the R with the mother of my children healthy while she deals w/ her sh*t and I deal w/ mine.
You want to be included in your kids' lives, so encourage that pursuit a bit with some positive reinforcement. Thanks. Oh, so cute. That kind of thing. Consider doing some of the same back. It's your tie. Something you have that is always going to tie you together, and you want that part to work.
On the other legal, listen, validate, shrug, move on.
Easier said than done - I know that all too well. Still, focus on who you want to be rather than what your W is doing. Confident, caring, flexible but with boundaries, focused on the good of the kids, able to let go of grudges. Whatever combination of values you hold dear. Focus on being that, and respond accordingly - or not.
Now. Let's get back to what you're doing for you in the near future. Not with the kids. Just for you. The fun stuff, growth stuff, become more interesting because you are doing interesting things stuff. Yes, I'm redirecting your focus. I'm devious and subtle about it too.
Pick up Friday was the worst.
No school so we had to do it face to face. She met me at my work parking garage. By the time I get to the garage, kids are crying and sobbing about how they don't want to go. I try to say come on now, we're going to have a great time. This goes on for about 20 minutes. I have no idea why they were in such a state, either wife works them up or they just don't want to go with me. Finally after about 20 minutes, they relent and get into my car and they stop crying in about 5 minutes. Wife said to them "I will call you to make sure you are are all right later tonight" I go to dinner with friends with kids and miss her first text. The second text says "I am coming out to check on them if you don't reply to this". Wow. I have kids call her and again she wants to go on and on. If she had come over to the house, we would not have been there, but if we had, what to do?
She also tells them you can spend the night with me next week would you like to do that? Of course that is MY WEEK. I did not argue with her in front of the kids, but she never even asked me, just stated this is what is going to happen. This morning she texts, Are they staying with me tonight? I just replied "No, thanks for the offer though." and leave it at that.
This weekend was spend the night for S10, the cournty fair, a 4th grade play date at a park and a play date with 3 kids at the house AND homework session for 2 hours with them on Monday to prepare for the week.
Again, it's my week and there she was at school this morning. I walked the kids into school and their classroom to talk to teacher about homework and there she is.
Is all of this normal stuff that just gets easier with time or is this escalation? I do not take any bait and argue with her or ask her any questions. Today we actually said good morning.
I know this is not about ME or HER but about what is best for the kids and it is not about winning or losing for ME. But over and over and over it's incrosuion into my time.
Am I looking at this the wrong way? Am I doing something wrong? What else can I do to descalate this? Again, she got what she wanted, she is living the life she chose. What am I doing wrong here?
An interseting aside, I had bathed my daughter, gotten her ready for bed, read Mulan and was stroking her back. She said who is your best girl Mommy? I said you are! She asks and Momma too? And I said Yes. She then tells me that "you have to love yourself more than others, that's the most important thing Mommy". I swear to God. She is 6. I said "Why did you say that D6?" She replied matter of factly because it's true. So true and so profound.
So sorry, Heavy. Wish I had an answer re: normal vs escalation. Your W really goes out of her way to make things painful for you. It seems like you're keeping your cool in the midst of it all. Maybe you could write her a letter, stating very clearly what your agreements are and that you expect her to adhere to them just like you do. Might help, might not... I just find that for me, when I put something in writing, it can't be twisted for something it isn't and I can't get riled up.
Hugs and prayers.
In a non-confrontational way, you might raise that there seem to be some coordination and communications issues lately, and you want to make sure you both are on the same page to avoid conflicts and confusion.
The kids are probably struggling with the transitions. Once that takes place, they settle down. Very common. There may be factors not related to either of you in their lives as well. A tough day at school, not enough sleep, missing a friend in the neighborhood of your W's place, and so on. Whatever you do, know that this isn't personal. They don't have the language or understanding to fully voice their struggles, and so they voice it in a way they do know. When you get a chance play one-on-one with them at their level (silly, child-like play). They'll be more likely to open up and allow you to help process their feelings.
On W's butting in, I'd say that you are worried about the kids being caught in the middle and doing what's best for them. Routine is best, as it gives them stability and boundaries. So, unless there is a special occasion, the person who doesn't have the kids that week doesn't ask or offer. It is up to the host parent to ask for help if needed. Also, the expectation to cut down on stress is that the children are OK unless informed otherwise. You respect her as a responsible mom, and you want the same in return.
As far as the school, let it drop for know, as I'm sure she's got some rationalization defense & will react poorly to a challenge. She'll either tire of contriving excuses to show up where you are expected or not. Deal with it if it continues as a pattern, but shrug this one off. There could be many reasons why she might be doing this. Control seems to be a big deal between the two of you, and I suspect she is not feeling all that much in control of her life right now. But, as I said, could be any number of things.
Hang in there, and hope things improve.
Good Grief
This chit just seems to never end you know? My only real wish at this point is that it gets better.
I really do think that my best best is to just STFU.
She sent me a text chiding me of "This is unacceptable behavior Heavy" makes me want to barf. The unacceptable behavior is non interaction with her. Again, she tries to bully me into accepting what she feels is unacceptable behavior. Oh, the irony abounds but again, I won't get into it, there is just no point.
But, this is bait and I won't nibble at it. She like to poke the bear (me) hoping for a response, which I don't give. I don't react or respond not out of spite but just to end the drama and escalation aspects.
Control, yes, Asitis, that does seem to be a major part of this situation. She wants to control me and expects me to jump to her commands. That part of my life is over. I did that to my detriment for many years. That is not love but unhealthy codependence on my part. I thought if I jumped high enough, she would love me. If I did her bidding she would not leave, I did so many things to try and please her, all in an attempt to be who she wanted. So, I lost my self respect, my ability to trust my emotions and what is best for me. I have been working hard to recognize that and change it every time I see it. I am not being mean about it just ignoring her.
I realize now this will be a life long process. Oh well, might as well go out fully aware.
Another thing I realized is that I have a lot more friends than I realized. People like me for me not because I was an extension of someone else. I am more social now than I have been in a long long time. I drove us out to the County Fair which was 50 miles away, planned the trip, packed the supplies and wrote down where we parked and just had a good time ....ALL BY MYSELF (and kids). That is a real accomplishment for me. It made me feel good to be able to be independent. It was still a little scary but I can do it.
Tonight was back to school night. I did not sit with w nor did I look at her. We went to two different classrooms as kids are in different grades. This is going to be very very hard. Once again I am so disappointed she has chosen to do this to our family. I honestly don't know how I can manage their school, after school and homework and work a full time job. I guess I will have to as there are millions of people who do it every day. It's just such a tragedy that people walk away from their families and kids. It really does break my heart.
Big hug Heavy. Just take it one day at a time. Where you are today is not how where you will always be. Just for now.
And yea, now you're in a chitty spot.
But tomorrow's a new day.
PP
Heavy, best advice I can give (dealt with the same thing, both kids are now at the same school, 2nd grade and pre-K). Smile, act like nothing is wrong, talk to the teachers with or with out her, talk to other parents too (if you don't know them, introduce yourself). Be a super nice guy while she freaks out. And she will, she will be trying to put on a "big girl" face, while trying to figure out what you are doing, while trying to look like the dominant one. Don't be rude, but don't be overly cordial either. Don't bother introducing her to people, let her do it. If she starts in, just walk away. I do this to my WW all the time, it's kind of jerky, but in the end it get's the point across.
A lot of the D'ed folks I talk to say that it is probably unrealistic to be friends w/ an ex for a long while, and you should be happy that you are able to sit together at your kid's even without feeling awkward and uncomfortable.
It is one of the things I wonder if WASs really grasp.
Not fun. Hang in there.
EyeTie, PigPen
Thanks for the chime ins -
I am not rude but just look through her at this point. I am introducing myself like crazy, smiling and talking to the teachers a lot. I want to know what is going on homework wise, I am a room partent for the my S10's class. I take pictures of the class boards, homework assignments, anything I can do to stay on top of their school so their work does not suffer.
I don't introduce her and try to stay away from her, as much as possible. I was thankful that last night was calm and she did not cause a scene with asking kids to go home with her. After I was finished, I just calmly got the kids from the after school program, signed them out and left. No discussion, no questions, no affirmations, nothing.
She was not at school this morning, thankfully.
You know I could deal with her wanting to split up, I get that and can acccept it. I have accepted it. What I can't accept is how cold and mean and calculated it all was. The lies, the deceit the cowardliness, the threats, the manipulations, all of it leaves a sick feeling in my stomach. I am sure it is a feeling that any LBS knows all too well.
Anyway - today is a new day, cary on. Focus on work.
Hi Asitis
Thanks for your comments. It was akward and uncomortable the entire time. We did not sit together, just sort of passed each other at the event. I don't know what my problem is, but I swear to God I cannot look at her.
I don't know if it is I am too upset, too frustrated, too sad or just too shattered. Whatever it is, I just can't. I feel so cheated by all of this. Cheated out of what I thought was going to be the best years - raising our kids together. As a gay couple, we worked really hard to have these children, spent years trying. No, it's just "oh well, I changed my mind." Just like that. Just like a puff of smoke.
Oh well, there is nothing I can do about it, hopefully time will continue to help me with these issues.
HeavyD
You are one amazing mom
Big big hugs
V
I get where you are coming from, and I think most of us (I know I do for sure) struggle with those same feelings. And they are really sh*tty feelings.
Would it change how you felt if she had died?
In other words, is it that the world isn't being fair as you believe it should, or is it that she did this to you? Makes a difference in how you approach it.
But one thing is common in those two alternatives that is worth noticing: you are powerless in both those stories about your life. That impotence can be maddening and scary for someone used to feeling in control (or the need for some of us to really feel in control is a defense against feeling the fear and anxiety of being impotent at times). Can you re-frame your view of your sitch that sees you having some power over your future? Not full control, but power to alter its course more in keeping with your desires? You may not yet, so don't worry if you really can't. Just let that seed lay fallow for a while. I suspect it will sprout & bear fruit.
It's been a rough few days. I hope that passes for you soon.
Asitis
You are always so compassionate, thank you for that.
If she had died, yes it would change my feelings. I would be still grieving as I am now, and probably upset that my life was not how I planned but I would not think negatively of her. I would imagine it would not have been her choice to have died. I am picturing a car wreck or cancer.
She chose to walk out on me and our kids physically and financially and ended our way of life unilaterally with no warning or even a chance to work it out. She chose herself.
She was calculated and merciless in her betrayal, She was and continues to be unspeakably hurtful and is angry with me for not just "getting over it." She is angry with me for my grief.
That makes me very frustrated, angry, scared, sad, and bewildered all at the same time. I do not feel safe when I am around her, I do not trust her.
As for feeling powerless, I do not want to give her any more power over me. I don't want to be a victim and right now the only way I know how not to be a victim is to not engage with her.
Does that reframe things in my mind? I don't know. Does that give me some sense of power by refusing to engage with he? I guess some. You would probably say it is a passive agressive way of demonstrating my hurt. Maybe it is. But I honestly do not know any other way of dealing.
And at soccer practice for s10 out of nowhere shows W10. Again my week, but kids were happy to see her. I was surprised. We did not talk. And now my s10 tells me she will show up at scout meetining tonight. Jeez.
I guess I should be pleased that she is making an effort and showing up at kids events but it's just weird that she just appears. Whatever.
After consideration of everything that has been going on, W seems to want to normalize this as much as possible and I guess I can't fault her for wanting to do that. If I were in her shoes, that is what I would try to do as well.
Is she trying to reintegrate herself into family life with the recent apperances at soccer practice and scouting? Why does she continue to text me with odd requests? She wants to do scheduling for games on my calendar, she wants to know where X is, she wanted me to know XXX.
All I can think to do is just carry on, demonstrate that I am a confident and loving mom and we are fine without her.
At this point, there is nothing left to do.
Hi HeavyD
Vanilla suggested I ask you about this situation, please see below and any help or advice is muchly appreciated:
Questions for the board:
So W is working now full time and has our 3 D's pretty much full time. I see them a couple of days a week until things get settled. I have really been easy going on the whole thing thinking that she may have a change of heart and want to work it out. I now realize that this is out of the question. Now that I have given up on that idea I actually feel a lot better. I am focussing on my D's a lot more and want to increase the amount of time I spend with them and they stay over with me. In the past I hadn't pushed it too much because I didn't want to make W angry. She had used them against me a few times to get me to meet with L and mediators faster. I am really seeing what an evil person she is capable of being and what has probably been brewing just below the surface forever. Her entire family is divorced and each of her siblings never speaks with their X's and openly says they hate them. My W's mother is a piece of work. She is the ring leader of all of them. She is D with her H who is an amazing guy and my vote for Saint for putting up with her as long as he did. She never speaks to him and drove him out of the country. She is the most negative person you will ever meet and absolutely thrives on the drama of the divorce of all of her kids. Its like it gives her a purpose in life. Anyways, enough about that mess. My W has all of a sudden released her mother's DNA and is just being vicious. I gave her whatever she wanted from the house contents and she still harassed me for little things. She jumped up and down like a little spoiled 3 year old about a pair of speakers saying we had an agreement. I said why am I the only one who has to stand up to my agreements? She agreed to "let" me drive the family to the airport when they went on a month long trip, changed her mind at the last minute and didn't even have the decency to tell me. What happened to that agreement? Also there was the agreement that we made in front of all our family and friends and God with vows call our marriage, till death do us part, in good times and bad... what about that agreement?
Ok... breath...
I am going to send her a shared online calendar that I want her to fill out for the regular weekly planned events (bball practices, girl guides, soccer...). When she sends it back we will decide when I get the G's to stay over. I already made it clear I don't want both of my nights (if that is what I get) to be the busiest nights with nothing but driving around like a mad man with getting up super early for something else. I made it clear I want nights when I can spend quality time with them playing games or watching a movie, doing homework that type of thing.
Is this not realistic? She will try to give the worst nights she does not want and say "I have them 5 days a week, 24 hours a day do all the cooking, cleaning..." to which I will say - ya, but you fired me from that job, remember? I was more than happy to help pull my share right along side of you.
The next question is: the nights that I don't have the G's she will expect me to drive them around probably 2-3 nights per week if not more and again it will be the crappy nights and events she does not want to do. She will pick the closer shorter events where she can sit on her a$$ and talk with her friends.
I am stuck with these as I want to see my kids whenever I can and support them as best I can but I don't want to be the beck and call taxi driver for my W, who fired me.
Any comments and/or suggestions?
Oh Boy - What a can of worms. I am so very sorry for you and the situation you are dealing with. You have my compassion and I wish you strength.
As for custody - go for 50/50. Especially if she is "exhausted for having them 24 hours a day". 50/50 is really the best method to cope and keep it equitable. One week hers and the next week is yours.
As far as the scheduling goes, yeah, that is what I have to do. We just have to deal with scheduling appointments, scouts, soccer, etc... on the days they fall on. If you each take a week, then it is more manageable.
Each of you has the responsibility for attending or not the event for your week. For example, if your week is scouting and it is too much, just cancel it for your week. Don't ask the W or consult with her, just cancel it. She has the right to do that as well when it comes to her week.
My suggestion is that you BOTH fill out the calendar, don't just let her do it as it will only make you upset when you start to resent being overscheduled.
Your post felt passive and I felt like you gave your W too much of your power (time, energy). Don't let her do that to you. You schedule what you need and anything that is too much just say "Can't do it". You do not have to defend your choices to her anymore.
How does that sound to you?
You sound like an awesome person. Thank you and sorry to high-jack your post. This is excellent advice. I am normally not a passive person but when it comes to W and family I always have been. She was always quite fair and I was always happy with the provider/protector role. Then one day she just changed and is now so cold and mean. I can't even begin to understand it and I am tired of wasting energy trying to figure it out. Maybe one day she will have a change of heart maybe she never will. I can't control that, I can only be the best me and the best Dad I can be under the circumstances. I hate it, I hate the position she has put me in and our family in but there is nothing that I can do about that. She has gone pure evil. I am dealing with a woman that I was married to for 16 years and the mother of my 3 amazing girls that asked for a separation over a text. That is only one of about 15 horrible things she has done since May that I would have rather she kicked me in the gut.
Again, sorry to rant on your post. You seem to be handling everything very well. Good for you HeavyD.
No problem on hijack - man - our stories are so so similar.
It is eerie.
I am in the same boat you are - just a matter of time. I am doing what I can to heal myself. It is not easy and there are better days than others but what else can we do but move it forward?
What a crappy way to get the news your W wants a separation - a text message. Gad.
Your W is having an affair right? That explains why she is acting so mean and quickly. All the hallmarks of another man.
Have you confirmed this?
Yes, it definitely suks, no question about it. Our sitchs are very similar. Just have to stick it out, one foot in front of the other, one day at a time. Be the best you/me we can be. Be the best dad/mom we can be. Maybe our estranged will come around maybe they won't. Maybe we would agree to work on it if they did, maybe we won't. I am so frustrated and mad what she has done to our family from so many perspectives. From emotional to financial, our kids... they seem so different already, nasty to one another, so much time on ipads, poor manners now... it kills me. Even two days with me and they seem better but maybe that's just me. And I WANT to be there, I WANT to be a positive influence, I WANT to provide everything they need and BE THERE to protect them.
As far as OM, I agree that all the signs are there and I would almost feel better if there was, but I really don't think there is. I would have something concrete to pin this all on but I don't think so. It seems its all just how she feels about me which almost makes it worse. She tells me there is not and she has never lied to me that I know of until after the BD she lies like a carpet. Who knows?
Sorry to lean on you on your post again, lean on me anytime.
Two soccer games in one weekend.
One the way to the game - W called and told me to go get snacks for the team. I said I was not going to be able to do that and she hung up on me. This is her week with the kids plus we are not responsible for the team snacks this week.
She asked me if I had a soccer ball for the kids. I said yes I have soccer ball for kids. When i arrived she asked where is the soccer ball? I said at home. She was mad because she thought I was bringing it. I said you asked if I had a ball and yes we have a ball. You did not ask me to bring the ball.
Again, communication is at all time low. It is if she is speaking Chinese, I just can't understand what she is saying or asking anymore. We used to be able to finish each others sentances.
Saw W at both games. I didn't sit by her or initiate any conversation except hello. I found another mother that I eventually went and sat on her blanket and we had a nice long chat. It was nice to meet and talk with someone else.
At the second soccer game, she brough D6 who played. D6 was overdressed and I mentioned it to her and said she was going to get very hot. She played anyway and then had to stop because she got "too hot". I helped her change and wiped her down with a cool cloth. I gave W the extra clothes and didn't say anything. W put her chair down beside mine to watch the game. I had to move my chair so I could see the game better. Again I found another Mother to talk to which I did for the remainder of the game.
W reports that playdate for D6 the day before did not go well, kids were left in hot car by play date Dad, cops were called, pushing match ensued and just a bad scence. We agreed that she will never have a play date with this family or girl again. I was upset that W did not tell me about this for a full 24 hours after it happened.
The rest of the weekend was spent dinner with friend, evening with a friend, hosted scouts leadership meeting at house and washed clothes. It was a hard weekend for me - upset that I don't have kids but tried to keep myself busy and distracted.
Again, I cannot understand why she chose this life fo herself and our kids. I really really don't understand. I must remind myself to STOP THINKING ABOUT THE WHY as it doesn't matter. It is just this new reality is twice as hard as the old. TWICE AS HARD.
Just a suggestion on the communication thing: follow up your yes or no answers with a clarifying question. For instance, do you have a soccer ball? Yes, is there something you want me to do?
On the picking up snacks, I don't think it is our turn to provide snacks, so why do you ask?
She is not making the implicit explicit, and she is unlikely to change this. You can either allow the communication to continue to lead to conflict, or you can step up and find a way to mitigate the pattern. She's probably thinking you're being dense or intentionally obtuse. She may continue to think you are dense for asking, but at least you will be communicating better. Just one of the many sacrifices of being the adult in the R.
Can't help you on the struggle with why she chose this. Just know that almost all of us here are going through that, and we understand your pain and frustration. Unfortunately, we may never get that kind of closure, as our Ss may not fully understand themselves, and even if they do, they are unlikely to make themselves that open to us at least in the foreseeable future. It is a hard probability to accommodate oneself to. Hope you have better luck on it than I am.
So it dawned on me - Spouses who have affairs and leave don't go to counselors becuase they don't think anything is wrong! They don't feel the agony or misery that LBS do. They are high on the ride, regardless of the cost and loss of family.
LBS's are the one who go to counselors, therapists, group work, workingon ourselves and all of that. We do that to fill in and get over the grief.
WAW's don't feel the loss, they are one up! We are the one's that are one down.
Anyway, that made me feel better about the "why".
I think they feel the loss, but it is you that is the cause of all that pain. Even ones w/ ICs miss a lot of how their pain is self-inflicted & about their issues. It blocks a lot of personal growth.
We are blessed & cursed with not being able to deceive ourselves in this way. Blessed because we are better able to look at ourselves & grow. Cursed because we don't have an easy scapegoat to shift blame to for all our pain.
I fluctuate between resentment & compassion for my W on this. Usually the compassion wins the day, but there are moments.
Very spot on heavy... We fill the void left with GAL and IC... They already have filled that void preBD with the OP and it's not till that A burns out and they are left alone with their own thoughts and questions do they looked internally, that's if they ever do at all .... It's easier to cast the blame for the failed relationships towards us as they did, and again to the OP ... Easier to blame someone else rather than to look inward ... Something at this point we all can at least understand as it's not an easy thing to digit us, might be even harder for them considering the amount of pride to be swallowed
OK AsitIs
I can ask for more clarification when we do have to talk. I really can't understand what she is asking for but you made a good point about implicit and explicit portions of a question.
I can do that.
Hi HeavyD,
Do you have a shared online calendar set up like a Google calendar? I set one up the other day and it was pretty easy. Under each event you could list "bring ball" and list the snack days. This way its in writing and it leaves no chance for miscommunication. Its probably best that you limit verbal communication for organizing weekly events as much as possible. I learned quickly that no matter what you do you cannot win with WAS. Prime example, my WAS gave me what for and said my D was very disappointed that I sold our basketball stand and hoop all the while I was actually looking at and reading the email from her the day before telling me to sell the basketball stand and hoop. Everything is mine and your fault here no matter what.
Resentment, compassion and outright hate, all emotions I struggle with.
At the end of the day does compassion win? Not yet. Still feel so much pain and am trying very hard to move forward emotionally.
Still slings and arrows from her about anything I say or do. The constant eye rolling, hard sighs, and so many other signals of contempt it is hard to deal with. So, I just sit there and let them wash over me. I wear my Harry Potter cloak of invincibility around me.
Acceptance - check,
Resentment - still there
Frustration, still there
Anger, still there
Work the process, work the plan, stay ahead of it.
Now this
I realize today that she is at the beach with her GF. I have the kids this week so I will enjoy them to the best of my ability.
It seems she enjoys inflicting cruetly towards me. I just have to stand up and get off the floor and learn how to navigate this pain, betryal and feelings of loss. This person who she is now is not the person I knew and loved for 20 years and had two kids with. That is the hardest part. The rejection of the life we worked so hard to build for all of us.
It is unbelievable to listen to her lie about where she is and what she is doing to our kids. THey cried for her last night and all I could do was just read them a story and and run their back. Distraction was the name of the game.
Just wow.
Just waiting on paperwork now - at this point I wish it would hurry up. I am ready to do this.
Stay open Heavy. Keep your heart open in spite of the [censored] that's being thrown at you. It is the highest form of revenge and will serve you long beyond the conclusion of your situation.
Your W sounds like she is still bypassing her own enormous pain by being unkind to you. See that for what it is - her screaming out in the only way that she can - with meanness.
Sending you love and strength.
PP
Thanks PP
We were at D6's soccer game yesterday, she brough 2 friends who were mutual so I was outnumbered, and was a jabber fest of laughing and yukcing it up with everyone and cheering wildly at the game. She revels in her new friends, independance and life as if I were holding her down in some way previously.
I just sat there in my chair and gave my dD6 my undivided atention, water when she needed it, etc... I did not interact with the W. I did get a friend to take a photo of me and the D6 and when I saw the photo, I saw that W had photobombed it with a ridiculous face. She was behind me.
So bizarre and I am dealing with a spoiled child here. Oh well, stay the course and stay above the fray will be my mantra.
The pattern seems to be :
Unhappy with all partners - Never emotionally connected enought for her" Her last partner was always gone in he evenings, usually hanging out at the Waffle House.
I was home every night except business trip every now and then. still "I was not "there for her emotionally".
Crud.
Enough about her and her issues.
Me - sleep over Sunday for Son 10
Me - Girl Scout meeting - Saturday
Me - G6 Soccer game - we won!
Me - friend for visit and play date with D6
Me - yard work
Me - work on house
Me - professional women's nework Saturday - met lots of women who are pofesionals - a good mixer.
I need to do more things with other people - that is a critical part of my GAL I think.
My week with kids.
I do my thing with them, pick up., drop off's homework, meals, clothes washed, shopping just normal stuff.
Guess who has been at school this week in the mornings before the bell rings - yep. Urgh. I just do my usual, I volunteered to clean the classroom today for D6. Wife hangs around playground and tells kids how much she misses them etc...
On her weeks I DON'T DO THIS. I don't want to confuse or upset the kids. I guess there is nothing else I can do but ignore it. She still calls many many times during the day. Most of the time I let it go to VM. She see's them a lot during the week, soccer practice, soccer games, now she is showing up at school in the mornings at drop off's.
Please tell me when this gets better and when she just backs off. Or is it something I just have to live with. We only nod at each other and then go to different parts of the school.
Is being silent a bad thing? In my mind saying nothing is better than saying something bad. So, I don't say anything. I sincerly do not want to get into an argument, get sucked into any drama, none of that. So, again, I am just silent or just the perfuntory yes or no. Anything else is fodder to attack.
Is there another strategy that I can employ? I just want to move on, move past this unpleasantness and MOVE ON. Seeing her and being bombareded by constant calls and texts and VM's is getting to me.
OVER IT
For me -
Fixed garage door with repair guy last night in between supper and homework.
Read stories to kids
Had a lot of snuggle time.
Praticted meditation and being in the moment.
Me thinks the lady protests too much. What the ?? is WW up to?
Makes sense to her.
I like your strategy.
V
I have no idea what she is up to. I do my best to IGNORE her and detach. It's like she is a sticker cling on to my pants leg that I can't shake off. She chose this situation, not me.
And how are you doing lovely V? Updates please?
Sticker cling...LMAO!!!
Thanks! I needed this.
I have no idea what she is up to. I do my best to IGNORE her and detach. It's like she is a sticker cling on to my pants leg that I can't shake off. She chose this situation, not me.
And how are you doing lovely V? Updates please?
All quiet on the WH being visible on the turning up front. Bad news? He has made a habitation order to move back into the house. I countered with an non molestation order, I await the decision of the court. I filed D before the 5 year mark, making this a short marriage (just) cohabitation counts in the UK.
He has run out of money, and is seeking spousal support, my L says no chance, he must draw his pension instead.
So it's a game of chess. He turns up in the village to drink in his favourite water holes. Then drives drunk.
He has his own home, his own turf, he may be seeing the fishwife who has an open policy on her M and is many men's dream OW from easy street, she walks like it and dresses like it. A legend in her own drunken lunchtime. On the other hand it could be any other street walker, H isn't fussy these days.
I pay it no mind, his business, if anyone asks, I wish him well and that he gets that which he wants and needs. I leave it at that and just project rainbow love. I am praying for him and that he finds the hole in his soul filled by knowledge and self understanding.
I think of you often and send my strength when I see you down. You are a wonderful inspiring mom, and I want you and your lovely children happy and well.
Smiling for you
V
Wow V
Sounds like your ev is going through it. It also sounds like he is on borrowed time. You however are far above the situation and I love the rainbow projection of love.
I will try that. I know all of my issues are annoyances really but they still have the poewr to make me upset, although less so. Today I just left, I didn't look back, look at her car, nothing, just left when the school bell rang.
Just another point of reference.
Today was kid trade of day. There were several bags of their stuff. I dropped kids off at school. I pull in work garage parking and spot a good parking space. I put on my blinker and car behind me stops, I wave them around and then realize who it is.
After navigating the parking spot, I open the trunk, get the bags out, set them down on the ground and she starts loading them into her car.
How weird is that? Was she waiting for me? How did she know what time I would be there? It was just a creepy feeling seeing her right behind me when i did not expect it.
After the bags were exchanged, I just locked the car and walked into work. I never look back now, just keep walking.
As you walk smile, remember your wonderful holiday, the kids, sunshine and happiness. Please put yourself back to that time, step into that HeavyD, the one that let the lightness in. She is there, great holiday mom, that wonderful glad fabulous woman with a walk on air.
I remember that HeavyD, smiling with love and joy for her children. She is connected to you through your highest self. I would love reading this fabulous lady that I think the world of take a great leap to her higher self. She's waiting for you, so close, I read glimpses and amazing insights. Let go and become.
That's reframing, please google Wayne Dyer, if you change the way you look at things. Its on utube, a live seminar.
A little skip and dance.
V
I went on two dates this weekend. Both were lovely people, but still just does not feel natural to me. It feels forced. I don't know if that is God's way of telling me I am not ready or I am just not connecting with the right people. Probably a little bit of both.
I went to S10 soccer game on Saturday. W was there as was my D6 and several of our mutual friends who were sitting with her. It was so hard but I said hello and just sat down and watched the game. I still can't look at my W much less talk to her, so I just focused on the game and left early. I kissed my D6 told her I would see her soon and then left and sat in the car and cried. I can't understand why our mutual friends left me hanging. But they did. So now I am really starting over.
On the positive side, I saw my son and he looked fantastic and the game was too, and saw my D and she looked fantastic. W was laughing and yucking it up and flirting outrageously with everyone there it was embarassing and painful but I just did not look at her and again foused on the game and talked to ohe people. I am grateful it was a beautiful day, and my kids were there. I am grateful that I had a car to drive. I am grateful that no one saw me cry. I am grateful that I have a great career and that I can support myself.
I am grateful for the 12 step program and how it has helped me reframe my dysfunctional thinking patterns. I had no idea how dysfunctional they were until I listened to others and how their stories were similar to mine. And why I chose this person into my life even though the red flags were there.
Lots of work to do on me. Lots. A lifetime of work and I will never be finished but at least I have insight now. That gives me peace of mind.
Sorry it was a tough one, but I like that you noticed the good things as well as the difficult things. Remember that W is likely playing to a couple audiences. You and the friends. She's trying to get to you & show the friends that she's OK & the fun one they should hang around with. That's very stressful & tiring, as well as immature. You kept your eye on the prize, which is your kids.
Mutual friends can be a real mixed bag. Most feel caught in the middle, and many are very scared of the tension and that they might catch the divorcies. To avoid that they often chose one person and try to normalize that relationship to avoid dealing with their anxiety and fear. Hard to bear, but you do find out who the really good friends are: not the ones that choose you, but the ones who choose both and have the maturity and compassion to hang in there. Another mixed blessing in all this.
On the dating, don't worry about figuring out which it is. Just go out and have fun. Be open and honest with yourself and the other person. If they can't handle it or you can't handle it, it really doesn't matter the reason why. It is just where both people are at this point in their lives. Try to enjoy the time out with other people. A bit of wariness, mixed with ability to just enjoy the time is not a bad thing at any time when getting to know another.
Thanks asitis
It is always good to hear from you.
Yeah - W plays up the good times, leaving me was the best thing she could have ever done is what I "see" and "hear". She is more outgoing than me, I give her that. That was one of the aspects of her personality that attracted me, how natural it was for her to make friends and socialize. I often told her how I admired that quality in her.
She reaches out to people more than I do, via FB or church etc... I am more introverted by nature, always have been. I have learned that is OK. W used to put me down becuase of that and tell me that I was a bad person for not allowing more people into my life. Doing that drains me and does not lift me up. That's how I am wired and that is OK. I realize I can do a better job at letting people into my life, and how it is not healthy to have only one main support person (W). I understand that now.
Yes, I will do my best to keep me eye on the prize, my kids. I try to be polite, say hello and then just sit down and STFU.
Am I still angry, yes, I am and that is OK. Am I still hurt? yes, and that is OK. Will I always be angry and hurt, no, but for now I still am. Does that make me a bad person - No. Again, W always told me I was a bad person for being so closed down, depressed and negative and angry.
I swear, I am just introverted moderately, I have several life long friends, a great career where I manage people and am very grateful for those aspects of my life. And that is OK. I am OK just being me. That feels good to say that out loud. Being ME just as I am is OK. Are thee aspects of my personality that I could improve? Of course and I am working my steps, stepping outside of my comfort zones, challenging myself and learning to be independant. I have learned to stop thinking in "all or nothig" and "catastrophising" and ignoring the positive aspects and to stop focusing on the negatives. I did all of those for many many years. I am aware of my thinking patterns now and that is a start. I am learning to be indifferent to what others think, they are free to think whatever they want about me. I can't control what W says about me to them, but I can cotrol how I act and my behaviors.
I am trying to be grateful for what I have, I know I have it so much better than most people going through this same situation. Thank you God for this board, these people, and the countless other blessings we have, seen and unseen, realized and unrealized. Thank you for the beginnings of comprehension of serentiy.
Welcome to Life 2.0
What is with the increased flirting with everyone in sight? There is this guy who always had an unhealthy interest in my W when we were married. He is married too. At the soccer game there he was talking to W. I heard my W say something like "it's almost like you are naked" or words to that affect. The word "naked" was in the sentence. He had a camera and took lots of photos of the game.
W emails me the photos of the kids that the guy took along with his extremeley overt email "It is always great to see you! Can't wait to see you again! type of stuff. It is so obvious. The guy is ice cold to me now too.
Oh well, not my concern, nothing I can do about it, glad my W has a lot of friends and glad for the photos which were great.
Heavy, she is trying to put on a show. You are being more authentic, if people are drawn to the show, that is their problem.
I am also an introvert, and when H was spewing at me he seriously and very cruelly criticized my social skills. I realize now that my social skills are actually better than his. Yes, he might do better at a party putting on a show, but my connections to people are genuine and people respond well to me.
Try not to get into her mind so much, you'll never figure her out. Keep your focus on yourself and your children, as it sounds like you have been doing. You are doing so well, and you do have a lot to be grateful for. Hang in there, Heavy.
Thanks Photoka
Yes, I am trying to keep the focus on ME. No, I don't play games with people and don't put on any shows. I don't have an tricks up my sleeve. I am pretty much an open book and that has really come back to bite me.
I prefer to have a few close friends than a lot of acquantainces. I agree with you on that aspect. That is one of my goals, being an authenic person, a real person. I have plenty of flaws like we all do, but being ME is all I have to do. It's all any of us have to do, just be ourselves.
Heavy, I don't think you being an open book has come back to bite you. I think it has given you some hard truths- and the truth is that those people were not true friends of yours. Keep on being yourself. Life is too short for games. You are conducting yourself with dignity and authenticity during a crisis. How many people can say that?
Hi Heavy,
I haven't forgotten about you! How are you today?
Your friend,
Bob
Hi Bob
Good to hear from you! Hope you're doing fine.
Hi Heavy, any updates? How are you doing?
Heavy, how are you? Give us an update when you can.