Sept 7 will mark one year since my husband walked out. We have been married 27 years and have 5 kids. He said he has been miserable and just needed space. He has consistently denied an affair. We had just spent the previous year renovated a cottage that was going to be our retirement and he was finally teaching me to golf (he has been an avid golfer his whole life) the cottage is in a community which has a private golf course i was loving all the time we were spending together now that our kids were older and more independent. He was always telling me "we were better than ever" and then BD I have been reading this forum/website for about 10 months. So yes Cadet I have read all those threads you are going to suggest I start reading. The one thing that I haven't read anything about is what people do wrt finances. After about 9 months my husband removed his pay cheque from our joint account. So now I am having to ask him monthly for money to cover all the automatic withdrawls that come out of that account for the expenses for our house and cottage - and groceries for the kids. I love my husband. I am always looking for the stories that are hopeful.
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
So yes Cadet I have read all those threads you are going to suggest I start reading. The one thing that I haven't read anything about is what people do wrt finances.
What does your lawyer say?
^^^ listen to Cadet, it's good advice.
Hi Jpeg, I am sorry that you are here. Letting someone else have total control over your finances is I think one of the most stressful things a person can face. You have to make a clear agreement on what your H will pay each month, and this can be more easily done by a lawyer especially if you are a conflict avoider (are't we all?)
So you have all 5 kids under your roof? Child support in my state continues until the child reaches 18 and graduates from high school. So your H may have to pay Child Support for your youngest 2 kids.
Child Support is different from Maintenance/Alimony. And neither of these covers "special expenses" (like doctor's bills, sports, etc.) You are likely entitled to all three. But go see a lawyer to get more information, so you are better prepared to deal with your controlling H. You have my best wishes.
Unfortunately, you probably are going to have to file for child support if you want to be sure of getting the money and not having to ask for it every month. The laws vary by location, but sometimes you can seek support w/o having to file for D. Probably best to speak with an attorney to confirm. Many will give you an hour or two initial consultation and not charge anything.
It's sad, but if you are the one taking care of the kids, I think you need to put their needs first and make sure you are covered. What happens if your H suddenly decides one month he's not going to pay? Do you have any savings or a backup plan? Your kids need to be protected; put them first. It doesn't mean you stop loving your H, or having hope that you can still work things out. Maybe you can even speak with him about your concerns and see if he would be willing to agree to something in writing. But I would suggest talking to an attorney first, and finding out your options. Good luck, and take care of those kids.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Well... I can just imagine all your replies - but...I don't have a lawyer. The first 6 months it was all about H "needing space" The "D" word has never been mentioned Last March he said he wants to sell our cottage so he can buy his own house and "get on with his life" I have had 2 free consultations with lawyers. One of who said he couldn't help me because I "wasn't ready for this"
Hi Wet. Yes all 5 kids live at home with me. The two older boys work and are paying off their student debt. Our daughter is just starting university (we moved her in today) I know Ontario laws will require support for the youngest two and the one in University I have just been living my life on hold. I know I am stuck. I am really struggling
Today my H and I will drive our daughter to University. It is only an hour drive but I am looking forward to being alone with him in the car on the way back I don't have any expectations but I do have to talk to him about finances and I am worried that will "sour" the time spent together.
Tomorrow marks the one year date that my H walked out. He has been living at our cottage all year with the exception of 8 weeks this summer when he left to follow the PGA tour through the states. He has seen the kids maybe 3 times in three months but to him that's fine because they are all"old enough" so they don't need/want him around. Today he came over to discuss finances during the one hour he was here I expressed how much of an emotional burden it has been to look after everything (maintenance of two properties and paying all the bills) To this he simply replied that we will have to sell the cottage because he needs a place of his own to live A few hours after he left he sent a text apologizing for leaving me to "deal with everything this summer"
Should I reply to this?
Saw on my iPhone today how OW (who H still will not admit there was any EA or PA) facetimed my H just an hour before he came to talk to me about finances and selling the cottage. I have no idea how this showed up on my iPhone (I think we might still have same apple ID) this was same woman (20 yrs his junior) who 2 yrs prior to him leaving was constantly texting him yet he continues to say they were/are "just friends"
Hi jpeg, firstly sorry you're here
I thought I would reply over here on your thread. (thanks for posting on mine by the way - I see we both had a dreadful 7th September 14)
I'll come to the GAL bit in a second but reading through there were a couple of things that jumped out at me so I hope you don't mind me leading off with these things.
- Your H could be going through all sorts of issues which is what is causing this, not least if your youngest are 17 that the end is in sight for the restrictions that come with parenting. Personally I dont think labels are particularly helpful but some of the resources that Cadet posts about MLCs could be really useful (although you may well have read them already) as are may some of the threads from that forum. Thats not to say you H is having a MLC but my XW isnt and I still found the insight into some MLC craziness really helpful.
- It is possible that there is no affair, contact doesn't necessarily mean there is but equally denials count for nothing. My XW only admitted her R with OM1 in May (ish) but they have been involved in different ways since BD at the latest (she still denies it was/is an affair.) Whether there is or not, worrying about it only does you harm and unless he decides he wants to come back, does it matter? I know that might sound a little cold but I've spent so long trying to get my head round her 'affair' and my hurt at this but all I've done is prolong my sense of injustice and therefore my pain.
The biggest thing that has helped me has been about how I, and only I, am responsible for my feelings including whether I feel hurt or slighted.
- Finances, Please protect yourself. It may not be pleasant and in the short term it may cause more problems but in the long run I don't think anyone ever regretted being too cautionary on their financial protection. you may need to get a L to help you but you need to get some security and some financial independence - it will help feel better as well I would guess. for me personally the only things I stood my ground on with my XW were finances and access to my children and I was immovable on those - everything else didn't matter really.
On the GAL front, its hard, really hard. and to be honest a lot of it is about just getting out there and filling time, especially to begin with. Over time it gets easier and more varied, read Sotto's thread if you havent, she is an expert in this. Financial independence will help by the way.
I will also say that there are a couple of threads around that provide examples the other way of people who are really struggling with GAL, but there is a lot of good advice there to.
what sort of things do you like doing? did you enjoy the golf?
The last thing I will say is that noone is perfect but its our imperfections that make us unique. In any situation there are things we could have done differently, handled differently possible done better but they may not have changed the outcome. In any situation we've just got to learn what we can and take that knowledge to the next one.
Anyway I hope you are doing ok and dont mind my ramblings.
Have a great weekend
"read Sotto's thread if you havent, she is an expert in this"
Why thank you Jim! Jpeg, I'm over in the MLC area of the forum if you want to come visit
Take care xx
Hi Sotto - I have read most of your story (I think) MLC is where I first started reading as I was convinced that was what H was going through. It was your tag line (or signature ) quote that really struck me as that is what I am trying so hard to do - I had recorded it in my journal months ago - I am having a hard time letting go
Hi Jim. Thanks for your reply - don't mind ramblings at all - I find any and all advice so helpful. You sound so wise already for such a young man Although I just recently joined here I have been reading post for close to 10 months. It was by researching MLC that I found this site, so I was reading everything on that forum first. I was convinced my H is having a MLC - the communicating with a younger woman, the ILYBINILWY, the excessive spending on himself, the complete abandonment of the kids (seeing them maybe 2 times a month) We had just spent the year renovating a log cabin that was going to be our retirement home and he was telling me how this was our future and we were better than ever and then BD he leaves.
I had actually gotten to the point where I thought there can't be an OW as H was gone all summer traveling. But then I saw those dang FaceTime calls (and I have no clue how they are showing up on my phone (they never did before) and just seeing that she is calling him every night and in the morning - it still REALLY hurts
I did/ do really enjoy the golf and I have played several rounds this summer with my sisters and some girlfriends. It is bittersweet however because H was my Private golf instructor and I constantly think of him while playing. I loved being on the golf course with him.
I'm still in love with my H - in June he told me I am still the funniest, smartest , most beautiful woman he knows he just doesn't feel "in love" anymore - to be so completely rejected by my best friend of 33 years - it seems everyone else on these boards comes to acceptance so much sooner - I don't think I can ever accept this
I'm still in love with my H - in June he told me I am still the funniest, smartest , most beautiful woman he knows he just doesn't feel "in love" anymore - to be so completely rejected by my best friend of 33 years - it seems everyone else on these boards comes to acceptance so much sooner - I don't think I can ever accept this
Not sure where you've been reading about people hitting acceptance quickly, but I don't think it ever happens fast. Especially if you've been a couple for any significant amount of time. I was with my WW for 24 years, am currently 6 months out from DDay, and still struggling daily. I think I'm mostly past denial, but I bounce around between anger, depression, and acceptance on different days. Based on your history, I would anticipate at least a year to start feeling anywhere near normal. I had a cousin go through a D a few years back and she said it took her a year to feel OK with things, and she didn't start dating again for another 4 years after that.
Everyone and every sitch is unique, so there isn't a defined timeline, but just assume it's going to be a while. Even if you browsed here for 10 months prior to posting, it's not that long compared to your history together. Be patient with yourself, and keep applying DB principles. You will get there, as will all of us. Be proud of the fact that your pain means you truly loved and still love your H; it means you are a compassionate, caring person.
Sometimes I wish I could just bounce from one R to the next so quickly and easily as most WAS's seem to do, but then I realize that's not a life of true happiness, and it destroys everyone involved. You will come out of this a stronger and better person.
I agree about the bouncing to the next R, seemingly without a backward glance. But it isn't healthy and it does catch up with you. I understand that most WAS's come to truly regret the choice they made - particularly the guys. But it does take time.
I also believe that in the longer term, many LBS's actually recover better from these sitches. Although we are devastated, if we work through things, rediscover ourselves, grieve, let out our anger, we can move on healthily. However, the WAS may be left with guilt, shame, remorse and regret, which are difficult feelings to work through.
I'm glad if reading my sitch has helped you a little
How do you do the quote thing? When you are referencing part of someone's post? I can't figure that out:}
- Your H could be going through all sorts of issues which is what is causing this, not least if your youngest are 17 that the end is in sight for the restrictions that come with parenting.
I think so. It is like he doesn't want to be a parent anymore. He just wants to show up for the special occasions - birthdays and holidays. He wants to keep everything light like nothing has happened
- It is possible that there is no affair, contact doesn't necessarily mean there is but equally denials count for nothing. My XW only admitted her R with OM1 in May (ish) but they have been involved in different ways since BD at the latest (she still denies it was/is an affair.) Whether there is or not, worrying about it only does you harm and unless he decides he wants to come back, does it matter? I know that might sound a little cold but I've spent so long trying to get my head round her 'affair' and my hurt at this but all I've done is prolong my sense of injustice and therefore my pain.
The biggest thing that has helped me has been about how I, and only I, am responsible for my feelings including whether I feel hurt or slighted
You are so right on this one. I know that I am prolonging my own pain and my need for truth and honest is contributing to that. I just keep repeating .. " Why can't he just tell the truth ?"
[/quote]
Hi jpeg,
so to do the quote thing you need to use [/quote] at the end and at the start you need to put [quote=NAME OF POSTER] at the beginning. I've done it that way round because otherwise it will end up in a quote box so wont help explain it.
Acceptance is such a big thing and such a personal thing but it also means very different things. I found the headspace meditation App very useful in some of this and it has a program on acceptance.
What you mean by acceptance makes a big difference. I have accepted rationally that my marriage is over. It still hurts, I still wish it wasnt so and inside parts of me are screaming to not let it be so. For me its been about starting the behaviour of accepting and moving on in the hope that thoughts and feelings will fall into line with my actions.
Slowly things get easier but there are always triggers for example just seeing my XW at handovers and being reminded how stunningly beautiful she is doesn't help nor do those key parenting moments like my Daughters first day of school. But each time it the dip gets a little smaller and a little shorter.
One of the other things I find helpful is to focus on her behaviour as it is now and see it for what it is both from an empathetic point of view and from a what it is the impact on me perspective - it frames things differently which makes things a little easier.
The last thing im going say, and i know it sounds harsh but he is telling the truth - his truth. It may be factually inaccurate and have no resemblance whatsoever to how you see things but he is telling the truth of his perception. At somepoint he may see things differently but its not how he see things now (or is at least prepare to admit openly). Now I still rally against this and my own sense of injustice over it but increasingly my acceptance is not so much agreeing with my XW's point of view but instead accepting it is her view and there is nothing i can do to change it.
And on the GAL front, just keep going it gets better, it gets easier and you may even start to see some advantages to everything that has happened.
Well....kids went to talk to their dad and walked in on him "with" OW. Yes that "with" refers to in the act... Guess I can change my status to OW confirmed!
Omg. What kinda permanent damage is that going to cause????
Their secret bubble has burst. Now what?
Checked your kids ages...good news is they're old enough to think entirely, so permanent damage unlikely. Disgust with their Dad is highly probable. Breathe easier on this one.
I feel for you...what an ugly surprise.
It wasn't all 5 that went the oldest two and (unfortunately) the youngest girl. It's D who I am most worried about. She is sooo upset. They are all disgusted and have lost all (if any was left) respect for their father. OW is 20 years his junior
This is his problem, and he has earned the consequences.
Talk to your daughter. My kids are pretty naive, but they know the basics. Just let her know you are there for her to talk to. She probably won't want to, but you know she'll feel better with the reassurance you are ready and willing to help in whichever way she needs.
I am most aggravated with my H for the effect his choices are having on our children. Forgiveness in that area is going to be tough.
Your H sounds like a classic MLC'er, which is bad...reasoning doesn't work with them. Ugh!
Their secret bubble has burst. Now what?
Sometimes, losing secret and exciting status starts to unravel the whole ball of ick. Consequences, explanations, etc. can take the "fun" out of the A. I truly hope that starts happening.
Thanks Judy. I'm hoping too. I always knew they were together but he continued to deny it. He didn't want to "be the bad guy". D is really good at expressing her feelings we talked some and now she is out with friends but texting for reassurance. Oldest is stunned and says he is "done" with his dad. I totally agree with the MLC diagnosis. He just doesn't see it He keeps insisting the kids are fine and he thought it was getting easier for them. (that's cause he never sees them so he wouldn't know).
How are your kids doing!
Opps that was suppose to be a question not a statement
Jpeg, I am so sorry, the good news is maybe the sight of her Dad and OW will keep her from getting into bed with anybody for a long, long time?
I'm worried it will be other way around. She was daddy's little girl and she feels completely rejected by him. h is more concerned about protecting OW than looking after emotional needs of his own children
I feel for you. My boys (the twins) are changing in front of my eyes. They're considering moving away to live with relatives for a while. I seriously don't blame them, but it is such a bitter pill. I'm losing my babies early because of Mr. Selfish. I am having a REALLY bad day today.
Judy. I hope that doesn't happen. My greatest comfort has been having all the kids around me. Sunday night dinner all 5 were home plus a girlfriend and now they are all sitting together watching a movie. Family is so important to them ( and me!) right now. Too bad that is not the case for WH I just think ... Where is he right now? Is he really "happy" being without his kids?
JPEG - one thing to take caution for is to try not to "recruit" your kids against your H in this. You can validate their feelings of rejection, but I don't know that it does you any good to bad-mouth him to them. He is still their father and their relationship with him is not yours to fix.
As for you, take some time to let this all sink in. Don't do anything today that you may regret for years. Let your emotions settle before you choose to really act on this.
JPEG - one thing to take caution for is to try not to "recruit" your kids against your H in this. You can validate their feelings of rejection, but I don't know that it does you any good to bad-mouth him to them. He is still their father and their relationship with him is not yours to fix.
This is something i was very conscience of since the beginning I havent been recruiting the kids against H if anything its been the other way around..This entire year that H has been gone I have been asking the kids to be patient with him etc Ihave been trying to set up times for them to get together for H to stay at house while i leave for weekend - after this happened last night I am backing off.
As for you, take some time to let this all sink in. Don't do anything today that you may regret for years. Let your emotions settle before you choose to really act on this.
Azzork I'm not sure what you mean when you say "choosing to really act on this"? Can you give a scenario
As for you, take some time to let this all sink in. Don't do anything today that you may regret for years. Let your emotions settle before you choose to really act on this.
Azzork I'm not sure what you mean when you say "choosing to really act on this"? Can you give a scenario
For example, filing for divorce, having a major argument with H, etc. etc.
My point is that I imagine your emotions re running high right now. Dont let them control how you react to this event.
Ohhhh I gotcha I have actually been pretty calm. I think cause finally he has been caught he cannot deny anymore He has been lying for years denying they were involved. Anyway he was very shaken up by being caught. And he has been waiting for me to show up and I don't know what.... Yell, cry, scream? I still don't feel the urge to respond in any way. I have gone dark and I am kind of enjoying it
Ok Need advice. Not so comfy in the dark anymore. I know H is waiting for confrontation. Think he wants it actually. OW is waiting for me to show up at work (they work together of course - could MLC story be any more typical?!?)
Ok Need advice. Not so comfy in the dark anymore. I know H is waiting for confrontation. Think he wants it actually. OW is waiting for me to show up at work (they work together of course - could MLC story be any more typical?!?)
Of course they want confrontation! The A feeds on drama. The more you push and oppose it, the stronger that their bond can become. Why give them the ammunition to grow closer together? I say keep out of it, and let them live their lives.
I'm so tired of being tired . I'm tired of being a martyr. I'm tired of "keeping quiet". I'm tired of hiding in my room. Im tired of being LB. I don't want to be a victim. I don't want to be bitter.
I'm so tired of being tired.
Understandable. Sleep can sometimes be tough to accomplish and maintain. Do the best you can. Have you tried any sleep aids?
I'm tired of being a martyr.
I agree - that sounds tiring. So I think it's time to stop willingly suffering! What will you do for yourself TODAY to help break your cycle?
I'm tired of "keeping quiet".
What do you want to do? Tell everyone your H is having an affair? What good does that do for you? Tell people you trust if you need to, but keep the road home paved smoothly. I completely failed at this when I had the chance. Its not about "protecting" them, its about not promoting them.
I'm tired of hiding in my room.
So come out! Dont let this define your life and who you are!
Unfortunately, thats not our choice. But through this, we can all become better versions of ourselves that wont be left behind again.
I don't want to be a victim. I don't want to be bitter.
Have you watched the TED talk by Amy Huddy? I strongly believe that positivity breeds positivity. Thinking positive will yield positive results. Its time to put the bitterness aside and fake it until you make it.
You can do it jpeg.
Great advice, A!
C'mon jpeg, join me in the journey of being better people for ourselves!
I'm heartbroken, tired, afraid, and disillusioned....but I'm not going through all this pain for nothing. If the best that comes out of this is a better "me"...well, that's not so bad, is it?
I'm here for you...
Azzork- what excellent and timely advice. I was soooo ready to call a lawyer (which my family has been pushing me to do) but reading what you said about paving the road home gave me pause to think. Spent last night at in laws they have been so supportive and are praying so hard for their son and our marriage. I have seen the Amy Cuddy Tedtalk (and I watched it again!) i ahve been slouching and moving through the days with my head down like a defeated loser. I am going to stand tall today (literally - I'm almost 6 ft) as I walk through the halls at work and throw in a couple of victory arm raises when no one is looking. Thanks A
Thanks Judy I feel like you have made so much progress so much faster I have been stuck in limbo land waiting hoping believing him when he said there was no one else. I am really going to try to take your lead. Thanks for your support it means a lot ~ J
Hi Jpeg, I've been there and it's yucky! I'm 14 months in from BD now and feeling much more at peace with things. I feel gratitude for the many good things in life and I will gratefully embrace whatever outcome unfolds.
Don't miss the opportunity to make the pain worthwhile my friend. It sounds as though you are doing well already. It's nice to think of you making your victory sign. There are downs and ups for sure - and it's the overall direction of travel that's important.
You have many friends and good support here - and in that regard are already luckier than most...
Best of luck to you xx
H has been texted today. Not much short one line questions. R u going to S 17 football game ? What is password for fb? Classic movie on tv. I haven't answered any. And it's KILLING me. We were both at game but he did not approach me and I didn't go near him. He stood at the far end of the field behind a fence far away from all the parents in the stands. He looked like a criminal behind bars
He looked like a criminal behind bars
You have me rolling with this one!
No pic? LMAO
Glad I could give you a laugh we all need them that's for sure. I should have taken a pic. It was quite sad and pathetic almost. But I guess that's how he feels- trapped
Jpeg, I am an LBH, and I often feel like I am the one behind bars. My W asked me to leave, and then proceeded to live our life as if I was never there. Still hanging out with the families that we were close to, etc. So she isolated me from my life. I am glad to see it happen to the WH. That is how it should be. We need to remember that it is their problems, not ours that got us into these sitchs. We all own a piece of it, but we haven't walked away.
Anyway, sorry to hijack, if you feel I did. Just this week I have started hanging out with the other parents, and it is my W who is sitting on the outside. Not sure if it was a coincidence, or if it is their show of support, but I was surrounded by the moms that W has valued over our M lately. They sat by me, not her. Made me feel important
Hi Dday I know what you mean about us LBers feeling like we r the ones behind bars. I have basically been hiding in my room since he left. (after I work all day, do the shopping, laundry, look after all the household responsibilities, drive the kids everywhere) and he has been out partying and going to all the social events telling people we just "grew apart" and now is starting to take the OW to things
And I don't mind the high jack. I think I do it all the time - I'm still not too sure how to work these boards :}
Hey! Our H's are sharing a script!!!
We grew apart..sheesh! Let's find some glue, not take off!
Possible MidLife Crisis? I am convinced that's what is going on in my situation. Polar opposite personality is the big clue for me. I often look at him wondering, "Who is this man?"
Exactly Judy!! That is how how I found this forum- doing research on MLC. I am also convinced. My H does not comprehend how he is hurting the kids (he rarely sees them). Also,he is spending money like out of control (has accumulated 20K in credit card debt)
Another hijack! One of the things I did right (maybe the only thing) is that after BD I peeled myself off the floor to attend every social event, and family event with H. Especially his family events, where I got a few comments such as "I am surprised to see YOU here" because they all jumped on the divorce wagon. I refused to disappear because H was flaking out on me, I was still a wife and mother and not going away. Also I knew that if I wasn't there H would be having a field day dragging my name through the mud, which he still did but over the phone and email. In person though, everyone saw me holding my head up high and H sulking in the corner.
I have been going to all family functions. Especially his side of family!! They have been sooooo supportive. They INSIST that I come and say if he doesn't like it he can choose not to go. But he has not come anywhere near my side of family. It is the socializing with friends - as in - I have none
. All of "our" friends were HIS friends.
Yet another hijack,
Jpeg, most of "our" friends were more likely to have been her friends. They all support me, much more than her in this. The moms even sat with me, instead of my W at the last ballgame, and I read some Facebook posts that seem to have been aimed at her and her lost priorities. These are the very people that she put ahead of me and our M. Ironic
How how how how how do you not become bitter?
I'm having a crappy night. MIL and FIL were gonna big talk with H and confront him about OW. It just turned into a hug fest. I think H feels that his parent have absolved him. I know I know I shouldn't have had any expectations
How how how how how do you not become bitter?
I'm having a pretty awful night, too.
I think you avoid becoming bitter by making up your mind NOT to. Bitterness eats at your soul. You don't want that burden, do you? He will reap what he sows....life just works out like that.
I'm having a crappy night. MIL and FIL were gonna big talk with H and confront him about OW. It just turned into a hug fest. I think H feels that his parent have absolved him. I know I know I shouldn't have had any expectations
Blood is always thicker than water. They were going to support him no matter what...
Hey Judy. Just wish I could see some reaping. So what can we do to salvage our night?
Bitter is something worth working to avoid. My mother is a very bitter person, and her own kids have nothing to do with her. That is my motivation to not be. That, and I hope my W will break through the fog, before I have moved on. I just watched W texting through most of s6 ballgame. Yet another out of character thing. So, after ball, I took the boys to a families house that has kids the same ages. Had a good time catching up and watching the kids play. GAL works
I'm having a rough one...tipped my hand during an argument, and all incriminating evidence has been removed from Facebook before I had the chance to save it. I still have copies of the forwarded letters. I guess they can lie in court, but isn't that risky?
Judy. Will the evidence of an OW give you an advantage IF there is a divorce? Out laws here are "no fault". H could be openly doing whatever he wants and it makes no,difference
Best to check with a L first before you assume anything really. An A can't stop someone from getting a D as its a no fault state but it could play a role in certain things that come out of it. Allimony, child support, division of property, etc.
I just dont know if I have the strength. I feel like I have been hanging onto a lledge with my fingertips for,a year. I want to let go
I'm sorry jpeg, I know how you feel there. Sometimes I feel that would be the easiest, maybe even best course to take. I am playing with my boys, yet I still wish I was with W. She is not the person I fell for though.
Keep hanging in there. Hope the fog lifts. Stay strong for the kids, your family. Try to have faith in your higher power. There is peace in that, at least. Keep moving forward! Not necessarily moving on.
Good luck, and have a good weekend!
I just dont know if I have the strength. I feel like I have been hanging onto a lledge with my fingertips for,a year. I want to let go
JPEG -
If I had a magic wand and could make you DIVORCED right now, what would be different?
So what are u saying A? Get divorced? Or just plain old "get on with your life!!!"
Jpeg...proof of the affair would only help with spousal support. I intend to get what I can on that because I devoted my life to furthering him in his field. Raised 5 kids mostly alone because of his travel schedule - at times lived in 1 state while he lived in another. 8 moves to 5 different states. My hope is not to get nasty, just get why I'm actually allowed by the state.
Judy is your H still denying that there is an OW?
Not any more, no. I busted him good. It doesn't really matter. As long as he is involved with A, and it just started about a month ago, there is nothing to be done. He's riding the adrenaline high. I think I'm adding to the fun by begging him to stay...gotta be good for his ego.
I'm done with that. Moving on while he's wrapped up with Skank.
So what are u saying A? Get divorced? Or just plain old "get on with your life!!!"
I'm saying that the act of divorce only changes the way you do your taxes. You're still going to be hanging on the same ledge with or without the legal status change.
Time to start living your life.
I don't want a D. The D word hasn't even been mentioned by H. I thought this was DBusters?!?!?
I don't want a D. The D word hasn't even been mentioned by H. I thought this was DBusters?!?!?
I think you are misunderstanding me. My point was that the legal act of going through the divorce doesn't really mean much. So if you don't want it, don't push for it. But there's nothing to fear in it. It's just a legal document.
Your life is yours. Don't cling to a ledge! Let go and live!
Thanks Dday - that is it. Moving forward not moving on! I love my H very much I do hope he comes out of fog and can see clerly again. OW is reinforcing with H that they are doing "nothing wrong" by having A and its not his fault if i am "not moving on"
Jpeg, I told H I won't lift one finger to help him D me. I also told him we were brought together by God, and I haven't felt Him tell me it was ok to break my vow. So, if he gets his piece of paper, it changes nothing. I'm still married. There is peace to be found in realizing it's just a legal action.
However, as long as H is involved with OW, he is not married in his mind. There is little you can do except release him- let his actions be his. You focus on the things that are good for you.
I am completely aware of the heartache involved in this entire situation. I never knew it was possible to be hurting so very much, and still carry on. It helps that I view H as an extremely broken person. That brings out compassion, which leads to forgiveness. I'm not completely at the forgiveness stage...but I am able to be compassionate. That helps, too.
Making plans for my life has been so empowering. I'm choosing to heal. I will deal with him later, when I am equipped to do so. Right now, it's just too much. So, dropping the rope that holds me to him, and doing my own thing for now.
I hope this helps some. It has made all the difference in the world for me.
Judy. It really does help! I just came back from an afternoon with my sisters and then read this. I feel ready to move forward. Thanks for the boost
Hey Judy one question, how do you ensure you get financial support without legal action that leads to D?
Temporary spousal support. I'll let you know more after I see L on Tuesday. There's some other kind of agreement you can set up, too, that isn't the same as divorce. If he pursues D, I will answer through attorney, but will not initiate.
Thanks Judy. For sure let me know. Have a good night
Need some advice - I am sooooooo conflicted. My family is pushing me to get legal separation H family believes he will come back they have always been about just giving him time and praying. OW has been confirmed and he is planning on moving in with her. Most of the kids will no longer speak to him
Hi Jpeg, I think your priority needs to be security for yourself and your children. If a legal separation achieves that security then go for it. Your H is in a R with someone else right now, and that is not in your best interests, the best interests of your M or your family.
Legal S is what I hoped to achieve, but my H wouldn't agree to that and has filed for D now. For me, I was pretty slow to act legally - but there was only me to worry about financially. I think if you have kids, there is more of an imperative to act sooner and protect their interests.
Bear in mind that a legal S is not a D - but would 'settle' matters for now and give you some surety. Without reading back - have you consulted a L yet?
Hi Sotto - I have had a couple of free consultations and my sister is helping me set up another one. I just don't want to close any doors. Once there is a legal separation in place then H could just file for D and it would be granted as we have already been living apart for over a year
Hi Jpeg, I wouldn't let fear of him filing for D govern your actions. Could he just file for D if he wanted to in any case as you have been apart for a year? I would put your own security and that of your kids first and not worry that pursuing legal S may prompt him to file. After all - he will do what he will do in any case....
It is time to get my car out of gear
Oops I meant IN GEAR. I've gotta get OUT of park
Went to S football game tonight. Sat with D and my sister. h was doing play by play in announcer booth. It used to be so fun to listen to him do that but tonight I just kept thinking "Oh shut up!" Anyway I didn't look up in booth and didn't wait around after game. But since coming home he has texted me with comments on son's game. Do I respond or just ignore?
If you've been "dark" don't respond. I know this is a bit late - I just saw it. I thought you were NC for some reason.
If you've been speaking with him, then respond, but keep it short and friendly.
I didn't respond. I ended up falling asleep. The only contact I have had has been text and that is me asking him for his share of $ to cover monthly mortgage and bills etc. Now this am he is asking for Facebook password (I changed it months ago cause he opened his own and blocked our "family" one. So I was thinking you don't get to have your new "I'm single look at me Facebook" where all he posts is pics of himself - and have the family one where all I post is stuff about kids and faMily.
He is trying to contact kids with texts as if nothing has happened the kids absolutely refuse to respond and they do not want to see him. Up here it is Thanksgiving next weekend. His GF asked him when he is going to his "parents dinner" so he asked them when they were going to be hosting and his Mom said that I am having the dinner Sat. So he told GF dinner is Sat of course not telling her it would be at our house BUT the reason I am having it is because I spoke with MIL and said that I know she would never not invite her son to Thanksgiving dinner but the kids do not want to see their father so I invited them to come to our place the night before... Anyway now I somehow have to convey to H that he is not invited for dinner. He has chooses GF over his family so.... Idk
Just a point of clarification. The past year we have been living apart I have been encouraging H to spend more time with kids, inviting him for dinners and encouraging the kids to be patient with their dad etc. this was all while he was simply saying that he was unhappy and had to find his happiness. He went on a vacation by himself for "Family Day Weekend" ( that's a newish holiday we have up here in Feb) and I helped pay for that. We were all being so accommodating to him a the whole time he was lieing and a having an affair. He has been keeping it secret because it is a workplace affair and he is her immediate supervisor. Anyway it was just a couple of weeks ago that the kids went to talk to him and actually "caught them in the act" literally.
So it is not that I am bad mouthing their father - I never have - if anything it has been the opposite. But kids now realize the lies and complete disrespect their father has shown all of us.
H wants to just pretend nothing has happened. No apologies, no explanations.
I understand. My H is still lying. I have no idea why they believe others will take them at their word, especially with their history. My H likes to believe the kids will be happy for him, too.
You're going to have to make it clear to your H that while HE is welcome at Thanksgiving, OW is NOT. That is a clear boundary that should not be crossed. He'll more than likely lie to her, too; I bet dinner gets "cancelled" at the last minute for some reason. Lying seems to be a new way of life for these Walk-away spouse's.
Facebook? He is out of his mind asking for your password! He has his own account now. There is no reason for him to use yours. The self-delusion these WS's entertain is crazy!
Today, my H supposedly has a meeting with clients to explain changes in company. Never mind he left wearing shorts, his OW owns a Farmer's market here in town, and has been advertising a huge estate/garage sale for today and tomorrow. I tried to talk my kids into going to get some tomatoes for me. They refused to go, which is a good thing now that I think about it. I shouldn't put them in that position.
I guess I could go if I'm that suspicious, but what would I gain by catching him? I hate this suspicion. I don't want to live like this. Lots of thinking to do.
I'm glad you didn't text your H. He needs to face the reality that his choices are costing him his family. He chose his behavior, he has to live with the result.
Quick question after reading your posts again...is H not invited for Thanksgiving? I can understand OW, but why him? I think it would be great for him to witness the kids not speaking to him, the disappointmen they have, and the changes in the family dynamics because of his bad behavior.
It's a rare opportunity to have everyone together so that he has to FACE the results. He'll be all by himself, within the family unit. If you can tolerate having him around, it may be a golden opportunity. Tell the kids they don't have to speak to him if they don't want to.
Just a thought.
Re Thanksgiving. It was the kids who said to me they DO NOT want to even see him. So I was just going to have our own little dinner. But the kids still want to see their grandparents so I asked MIL if they would come. It was MIL who suggested inviting the rest of the family (his brother and family and his sisters family) She said she would NOT have it next day. Now I just got off phone with BIL and he is thinking he will invite his brother (H) for dinner on Sun. Either way H will not see his kids for thanksgiving
Gotcha! So you're stuck with the task of telling H the kids don't want to see him?
My advice, for what it's worth, is just letting him know it's all about his choices and behaviors that they're so upset with. Keep stressing that part. Don't let him make it about him as a person. That will feed into his self-pity. It will, either way, but if you focus on the fact that he decided to behave in this manner, it puts the blame firmly where it belongs without turning into an argument. I suspect he will try. Just validate and hang up if you need to.
I would ignore him completely Jpeg. No way would he be in my home, and especially not with OW. He made his choice. He can live with the consequences.
Now H is guilting oldest S into meeting up to talk. He sent S24 a text saying that H was there for him when he went through a hard time and that is what S should,do for his father. My son read me the text and said he does not want to answer but that it did make him feel guilty
Big difference between a hard time and betraying your family...just saying.
I am going to see a lawyer today. My family is pushing me to. I do need to ensure that H contributes his share towards bills and mortgage and food etc Which he hasn't But I don't want to set the ball in motion for D. I think H has been squeezing me ( by withholding $) so that I will. I know hw has been apartment hunting with OW. But there is no way he can afford this if he is responsible for all of our family costs (which he hasn't been)
Has anyone read good article on the effects of D and separation on young adult children??? If so please pass along. My H left thinking the kids were all "old enough" and that they would accept "get over it". Well 13 months later and 4 out of 5 of them are not talking to him - he has not addressed there emotional needs- he never talked to them about leaving he just left and he rarely saw them all year. Just holidays and birthdays. And now somehow (according to OW) I am "doing this"
Should I reply to following text from H?
What is Facebook password? I use that account to keep up with what our kids are doing. You are intentionally putting up a wall between them and I.
Thanks Dday - that is it. Moving forward not moving on! I love my H very much I do hope he comes out of fog and can see clerly again. OW is reinforcing with H that they are doing "nothing wrong" by having A and its not his fault if i am "not moving on"
The best fog buster is full exposure. Also the quickest way to squash an affair. She's young and early in her career. An office affair could be dangerous to that career. She won't want to chance that and she'll scurry off to wreck another marriage somewhere else. Don't listen to his "I don't love you" talk. That's affair fog. He's under a spell of stupidity that can't even begin to be fixed until the affair is ended.
Should I reply to following text from H?
What is Facebook password? I use that account to keep up with what our kids are doing. You are intentionally putting up a wall between them and I.
Your kids are old enough to decide what they want to do about their relationship with their father. If there is a wall he built it himself brick by brick.
You should see that lawyer and your friends/family suggest. You should start the D proceedings. It doesn't mean you have to go through with it but it has a good chance of snapping him out of his fog of affair stupidity. This is divorce busting but as weird as it sounds, filing can be a great way to bust it. He's a cliche. You should be laughing at him. He needs a thunk upside the head to snap out of it. Getting served can provide such a thunk.
Hey TxHubby. Thanks for reply. I have laughed! It is kinda sad he is sooooo cliche and can't even see it. I haven't even talked to him since kids walked in on him and other woman yet somehow this is all my fault.
I see you were separated for almost 2 years? How did you reconcile?
Ok I just read your story. Unfortunately my H is saying he is NOT coming back. He does not feel he is having an A because he walked out a year ago ( even though EA - and probably PA too - has been going on for over 3 years)
Hey TxHubby. Thanks for reply. I have laughed! It is kinda sad he is sooooo cliche and can't even see it. I haven't even talked to him since kids walked in on him and other woman yet somehow this is all my fault.
I see you were separated for almost 2 years? How did you reconcile?
We were in zombie land. Her A crushed me. You're taking it much better than I did. I sedated my pain daily with alcohol and prescription pain killers. I checked out. My adult sons could handle that, although it upset them, but my daughter who was 12 at the top had huge problems. Her mom had moved out because of her shame, lived in an apartment a couple miles from home. Her A was over, the douche OM fled the state and has yet to ever come back. He lives with his mother now. His W divorced him as fast as possible. What snapped me out of my pain/rage was my daughter's school counselor and asked what's going on. Said she has noticed that my daughter had completely changed over a year. Gained about 40 lbs, lost her cheery disposition. Was always sad. Withdrew from her friends. Was getting bad grades. Her mother was the neighborhood whore. Her dad was a zombie laying on the couch all the time wasted and feeling sorry for himself.
That snapped me out of it. I knew I had to ruck up for her. I focused on her and my health. Stopped all booze and drugs, exercised with her, engaged with her all the time, was there for her. We got better. Then I decided it was time to address my WW. I spoke to her and asked what she really wanted. I said we can't live like we are now, it's good for no one (btw, neither can you, it's bad for your health). I asked what she really wanted and she said me. I knew I had to stop raging on her. I was mad all the time and just exhausted by it. No more hate, no more anger. I had to let her A go. I had to forgive and forget. It was the only chance we'd have. Where it was a little "easier" for me is that she wanted to come home. She wanted to work on everything. I was the one that didn't want her for what she had done to me. I realized deep down, however, that I did want her. I did still love her even after all that had happened. Once I really knew that, and was sure that she also loved me, then it became easier to let the other things go and here we are. Definitely not done working through things but much better and both pretty convinced that we're in it for the long haul.
I do know how affair fog works. You don't have a chance as long as his A is going on. He'll be under a spell. He's a 50-something year old man running around with a younger woman. He might as well buy a sports car and get a spray tan. He's making a joke of his life. Someone close to him needs to ask him at the end of it all, when his life is about over and he thinks back on it all, what kind of man was he? What would he like the story of his life to be? That he made a joke of it by being a MLC cliche or that he overcame his stupidity and became and honorable man. You can't force his hand, it's his choice in the end but I do know that it'll be really hard to work on your M while his A is active. Almost impossible.
Ok I just read your story. Unfortunately my H is saying he is NOT coming back. He does not feel he is having an A because he walked out a year ago ( even though EA - and probably PA too - has been going on for over 3 years)
If he's still married to you then it's an affair. He's involved in infidelity. The fog prevents him from seeing that. It coats his brain with a thick layer of stupid. Most things he says will come off to the rest of us and completely stupid but he won't see it because of the fog.
Cadet - I don't know how to start a new thread
And I want to carry over TxHubby's last two posts to respond to them. Help please?
Thanks for reply TxHubby - wish H could hear your reply. So far no one has been able to get through to him. He just won't hear what he doesn't want to hear. He has changed his circle of friends to mostly divorced guys who happen to have girlfriends. They are all just reinforcing his choices "she,s hot!!" etc
If it is any help to you, you would create a new thread just like the one you've been posting to.