Might as well get started. - 09/01/15 03:58 PM
Hello:
I'm Abe31 and I'm going through the nastiest separation possible. I'm hoping to get some support and get re-focused on now and my future. Maybe even get back on my feet and have a plan. A little backstory:
My wife and I have always struggled financially. This put a great stress on the marriage. Even though I have a very good job and excellent skills that make me marketable it had felt, to me, that I was the only one holding the family together while my wife has chosen to avoid fiscal responsibility whenever possible.
Fast forward to the last 3-4 years and we have had good times and bad. Times of closeness and then times of broken trust. I had an EA with a married co-worker in 2011. We were both lonely and took solace in each other. But, under pressure from co-workers and my bosses that ended and she moved away. My wife accused me of having a PA and even went to a divorce attorney in Jan 2012. Then, she be began to detach.
She convinced her family to pay for her to take a summer Master's degree program. She graduated in 2014. During each summer she would be away in a nearby city and I could feel the distance. She wouldn't reply to texts, hung out with university friends and generally played games with me to make me jealous. She also vacations 3-4 times a year while leaving me behind. I haven't had a true vacation in years. We always go to visit her family. She visits Europe without me and hangs out with girlfriends.
She also has always undermined me with the kids. Trying to parent is a huge difficulty. For me, it actually worked better while my wife was gone. Kids have always respected me. Do what I ask. Yet, when my wife is in control of the household it was a daily nightmare for her to get things done. There was conflict and drama and simply getting the dishes into the dishwasher became a 60 minute debate.
My wife has also spent years undermining me with her family when she doesn't get her way or we argue. It appears that she complains to them and never tries to resolve issues with me. She says I never let her win an argument. Fast-forward to now:
On March 6th I found a bag that my wife has called the "Escape Pack". In it was paper copies of 2 years of every argument that we'd had by text, a divorce kit from a lawyer, and a journal that detailed everything my wife considered a problem in the last 8 months. The thing is, these problems were fabrications based on kernels of truth. Emotionally, my wife was off the deep end. When I sent her a text asking about it, she panicked, grabbed papers, took our son, our dog, and ran off to a neighbouring city. Within days she hit me with restraining orders. She alleged that I was abusive in any and every way possible. I am not. Other than complaining too much about my work we hadn't argued in months. She checked into a women shelter. And is now in a housing program.
After months of back and forth silliness through lawyers it appears she has finally calmed down. By silliness I mean her demanding all of our assets and full support without considering my needs or allowing time for the legal process. But now that she is calmer she is considering mediation but has rejected my offer of reconciliation.
It has been 6 months since the initial BD and leaving. I have missed all the warning signs for years. When she threatened me with divorce I thought she was bluffing. She wasn't. She was actively considering on-and-off for the last 7 years.
So, my hope? My wife continues to drop hints though social media. She is still following my lead still emotionally and is definitely dealing with depression over the relationship. The problem? I'm not allowed any direct contact. And while I have been active on social media, GAL-ing without knowing it and trying to remain positive I am feeling burnt out and depressed.
I went dark on social media and in life 9 days ago and have already seen a change again on my wife's SM. But no direct contact and no conversations are taking place. I'm hoping my lawyer gets us to mediation but that is not going to happen until September or October. Because I'm tired of the pseudo-communication and guessing from SM hints.
I am waiting for DR / KLA to show up from Amazon. I am giving myself some time and space right now. Recovering from a surgery and deciding when and if I should return to work. I am really struggling getting on with my life and letting go of the current situation.
How do you DB someone who's used the nuclear option on me? How do I get to even decent communication with someone who's lied outrageously to end the marriage? We have kids, we have a lot of life to live. And I see my wife's over-emotional reaction as her being very hurt and still attached. How do I detach without sending her off the deep end? Can she really start to see her part in this?
Help?
I'm Abe31 and I'm going through the nastiest separation possible. I'm hoping to get some support and get re-focused on now and my future. Maybe even get back on my feet and have a plan. A little backstory:
My wife and I have always struggled financially. This put a great stress on the marriage. Even though I have a very good job and excellent skills that make me marketable it had felt, to me, that I was the only one holding the family together while my wife has chosen to avoid fiscal responsibility whenever possible.
Fast forward to the last 3-4 years and we have had good times and bad. Times of closeness and then times of broken trust. I had an EA with a married co-worker in 2011. We were both lonely and took solace in each other. But, under pressure from co-workers and my bosses that ended and she moved away. My wife accused me of having a PA and even went to a divorce attorney in Jan 2012. Then, she be began to detach.
She convinced her family to pay for her to take a summer Master's degree program. She graduated in 2014. During each summer she would be away in a nearby city and I could feel the distance. She wouldn't reply to texts, hung out with university friends and generally played games with me to make me jealous. She also vacations 3-4 times a year while leaving me behind. I haven't had a true vacation in years. We always go to visit her family. She visits Europe without me and hangs out with girlfriends.
She also has always undermined me with the kids. Trying to parent is a huge difficulty. For me, it actually worked better while my wife was gone. Kids have always respected me. Do what I ask. Yet, when my wife is in control of the household it was a daily nightmare for her to get things done. There was conflict and drama and simply getting the dishes into the dishwasher became a 60 minute debate.
My wife has also spent years undermining me with her family when she doesn't get her way or we argue. It appears that she complains to them and never tries to resolve issues with me. She says I never let her win an argument. Fast-forward to now:
On March 6th I found a bag that my wife has called the "Escape Pack". In it was paper copies of 2 years of every argument that we'd had by text, a divorce kit from a lawyer, and a journal that detailed everything my wife considered a problem in the last 8 months. The thing is, these problems were fabrications based on kernels of truth. Emotionally, my wife was off the deep end. When I sent her a text asking about it, she panicked, grabbed papers, took our son, our dog, and ran off to a neighbouring city. Within days she hit me with restraining orders. She alleged that I was abusive in any and every way possible. I am not. Other than complaining too much about my work we hadn't argued in months. She checked into a women shelter. And is now in a housing program.
After months of back and forth silliness through lawyers it appears she has finally calmed down. By silliness I mean her demanding all of our assets and full support without considering my needs or allowing time for the legal process. But now that she is calmer she is considering mediation but has rejected my offer of reconciliation.
It has been 6 months since the initial BD and leaving. I have missed all the warning signs for years. When she threatened me with divorce I thought she was bluffing. She wasn't. She was actively considering on-and-off for the last 7 years.
So, my hope? My wife continues to drop hints though social media. She is still following my lead still emotionally and is definitely dealing with depression over the relationship. The problem? I'm not allowed any direct contact. And while I have been active on social media, GAL-ing without knowing it and trying to remain positive I am feeling burnt out and depressed.
I went dark on social media and in life 9 days ago and have already seen a change again on my wife's SM. But no direct contact and no conversations are taking place. I'm hoping my lawyer gets us to mediation but that is not going to happen until September or October. Because I'm tired of the pseudo-communication and guessing from SM hints.
I am waiting for DR / KLA to show up from Amazon. I am giving myself some time and space right now. Recovering from a surgery and deciding when and if I should return to work. I am really struggling getting on with my life and letting go of the current situation.
How do you DB someone who's used the nuclear option on me? How do I get to even decent communication with someone who's lied outrageously to end the marriage? We have kids, we have a lot of life to live. And I see my wife's over-emotional reaction as her being very hurt and still attached. How do I detach without sending her off the deep end? Can she really start to see her part in this?
Help?