So part 5 of the ongoing saga. below is the link to the last thread.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...585#Post2601585
So,
Last night was business as usual. No fights or R talks. It is very hard but getting easier every day. I am still wondering what is going on in her mind but I realize its none of my concern. Things are getting better as far as my emotions. I still get emotional at times when I try to think too far ahead. I am trying to focus on the now and not think about the future. This is really strange for me.
In the past I have always built scenarios in my mind and tried to manipulate the future. This, I have found is completely useless and counterproductive. I am trying to come to a point to where I can let go of things I cant control. Again, trying to reprogram your mind after living a certain way for 39 years is a big challenge.
My occupation requires me to look into the future and try to prevent any problems that may occur. This works in the business I am in but never works in relationships. I have to learn to separate the way I operate at work from my role as H and father.
What would I do without this site. This has been very therapeutic. just to be able to put my thoughts and feelings out there and have you guys to give me feedback is amazing. this site should win some sort of award for what is has done for so many of us broken people.
Tk
Good morning....been reading your posts..I feel your pain....like you I waited a long time to reach out and try some thing different.
I am going through the same things...vacillatino between extreme anger and mournful sorrow...all I can say is hang in there..what's worked for me so far;
On rage days, hit the gym..go for a run..channel it productively. .don't hide it..run from it or deny it its place..
Get it out..then move forward.
On sorrow days, mourn..cry..write it out..get the hurt out ..don't stifle it..don't short change it..as men we have been taught not to cry not to get emotional..sometimes that catharsis is what our soul needs to continue...
Read everything on the board,....above all be you..do you..
Keep your head brother.....
So, the work day is almost finished and I will go have to go home. As I mentioned earlier there has not been any fighting or R talks. Its been kind of creepy. Like two ghosts who wonder by each other. She is still on the phone with SIL most of the evening. I try not to think about what they are talking about.
I hate to say if because I don't wasn't to jinx myself but I feel like I have reached a point of peace with this whole thing. I haven't had any trouble sleeping and my appetite is back. It kind of feels like the calm before the storm.
I start the piano job this coming Tuesday and im trying to get ready for it. However, my W's new bedroom is my old music room and I have to make sure she is not in there before I can rehearse. Or maybe not. She knows that I have to rehearse and she chose to live in my music room. Maybe ill just rehearse whether she's in there or not. Anyway, I am looking forward to the gigs.
Its so weird that so many of us have similar problems.
I have regained some dignity and its growing every day. I really fell hard at BD and didn't recover very quickly. Im embarrassed at all the begging and crying I did. That's not like me at all. I never thought I would act like that. I felt like I was in a bad dream. It was relentless.
I just hope I can keep up the work that I have been learning here. Wish me luck.
Its so weird that so many of us have similar problems.
I have regained some dignity and its growing every day. I really fell hard at BD and didn't recover very quickly. Im embarrassed at all the begging and crying I did. That's not like me at all. I never thought I would act like that. I felt like I was in a bad dream. It was relentless.
I just hope I can keep up the work that I have been learning here. Wish me luck.
Don't feel bad about the begging, crying, pleading, etc. A lot of us do that at the beginning. Yes, it's not very manly and a little embarrassing to look back on, but I don't think it's necessarily a terrible thing. Probably not very attractive, but at least you show your W that you do care. Now it if went on for weeks, that would become just needy and annoying, but a couple of good cries in front of the W, I personally think might be a good thing. At one point, my WW actually tried telling me the only reason I didn't want a D was because it would cost too much. I lost it right there in front of her. To reduce 24 years together down to a simple matter of money killed me. And I honestly think she believed it until she saw me totally break down. Then I got a half-hearted "I'm sorry". So at least she knows. I won't be showing that side of me to her again for a very long time, if ever, but she realizes how bad she hurt me.
I'm with u. She will never see that side of me again.
Last night was more of the same. W acts as if I'm not there. That's ok with me as long as we don't fight. This detaching is working for me. There has been no progress in how she feels as far as I can tell. She is going out of town this weekend to stay with a friend. It is a girl she used to work with as far as I know. This weekend will be hard for me.
Try to do something special or out of the ordinary this weekend for yourself and the kids. It may be fun and a welcome distraction for one and all.
Something I forgot about last night. As soon as the W came home she asked if I had one of her credit cards. I looked through my wallet and I did not have it. She said "so you didn't spend 35 at the circle K on the 25th". I thought to myself "if I don't have the card how could I use it". I then replied no but you may need to cancel the card because apparently someone has it and is using it.
Why would I take her credit card. I think she is trying to find me doing something wrong. I get the blame for pretty much anything that happens these days. Which leads me to my next question.
Should I get a separate bank account and split her bills from mine? Right now we have one bank account and I am responsible for making sure the bills get paid. She has complained several times over the past few months that she doesn't like to ask me if she needs money for something.
The problem with splitting the account and the bills at this point is that she doesn't make enough money to pay her own bills much less half of the shared bills.
In a way I want to split it up. It would take some of the pressure off of me. When she was responsible for paying the bills, our power or water would often be shut off. Not because we didn't have the money but because she would forget to pay it.
Another reason I don't want to split the bills is because I think would lead to fights. I would have to constantly put money in her account to cover her half of the bills.
This is not a cut and dry decision.
Any thoughts or experiences.
tkd
She fired you as her husband ... why do the accounting for free?
Personally I would absolutely split the finances, in fact I did ... and to be honest even as we are looking to figure out what the new M will look like, those finances are not going to be combined ever again.
She is going to be a bit forgetful because ... well she has other things she is thinking about to be honest.
I would split them, let her spew ... this is a leadership type move, you are protecting yourself and your kids here ... if she can not pay her side of things, thats a nice cup of reality she will have to drink on her own .. not your problem as you have been fired right?
You do not tell her this as a punishment, calmly and cooly you express how you feel its better this way with the direction things seem to be going and that's that ...hand her her new bank card and strut somewhere GAL like John Wayne.
She needs to SEE what life will be like, not hear it ya know?
That's a minefield. I approached the subject of splitting finances, but my W went in to meltdown. If/when W moves out, then that will be a cert. I'll look after my kids, but W will be on her own. For legal reasons, as we're selling the house, it makes sense to keep a joint bank account/credit cards etc. otherwise the bloodsuckers (Lawyers/solicitors) will require us to sign an agreement and let the court deal with our assets and, obviously, charge us a fee for this privilege. That's the law in this part of the UK and I'm not having some lawyer telling me what to do with my cash!
I totally agree and I really want to but I know it will be a less than popular decision with her family. They are expecting me to continue to act as her husband regardless of what see has told me or what she is putting the family through. They are very insistent that our M work out. I don't think they know the magnitude of the sitch. They have been very supportive of me but they no nothing about DBing.
Also we are trying to refinance the house and if we split the bills and she doesn't pay hers on time it will effect our credit and thus ruin the chances for a refinance.
I feel like she is using me to set her up for a new life. Like with the refinance. She says she wants a divorce but still wants to refinance the house. It seems to me that she wants to lower the payment so that she can afford it by herself. Even if we refinance, She cant afford the house. I looked into Georgia child support and I would be looking at 1500 a month for the three kids. This is not a problem but that would only pay to keep the kids in private school.
I am going to do it anyway. Damn the torpedoes. She said once before when I suggested splitting the account that it would not be fair for me to have more money than her. Correct me if im wrong but that's BS. I worked hard for what I have. THe kids will be taken care of but its not my job to finance her new life.
Well, I certainly wouldn't be doing new finance with a WAS. Where's your guarantee? Current stuff, if it is practical, then yes, but nothing new.
As for 'I don't see why you should have more money than me', well, tough! Your W is leaving, she's wanting out. If she wants to be separate and independent, then she will have to provide for herself. Kids - yeah, you're gonna do that, why should they suffer, but W will have to learn to live on her own means.
tkd
Ok ... sometimes we hit 'spots' in this and when there is some confusion its best to sit and do nothing.
I am not so sure given the sitch if I would re-fi at all at this point, maybe put that on hold and wait ... wait till things are more stable for you, between your W and yourself.
As far as her ruining your credit ... yeah that's the part of this 'still married' thing that's tough, so to protect yourself you either have to separate your finances, or at the least have a separation agreement in place. For me my W and I had this in place, I was not legally liable for what she did after that set date .... protect yourself and your kids.
As far as the In-laws they can insist all they'd like but if your W is wayward she is wayward, just like you they can not control what she does. You can still go through this and honor your M... not your place to tell them, nor is it their place to tell you what you should do ... its their daughter who is wayward and they will be in her corner when push comes to shove .... not much you can do about this but take charge of your life.
Does anyone know how alimony works? I the W has a job am I responsible to pay alimony?
Does anyone know how alimony works? I the W has a job am I responsible to pay alimony?
Not sure about your state ... this is why we stress the LBS consult with a L or two so he/she knows where they stand.
In my case .. W made more, that along with our M hitting 15 years ... these things factor into the amount and the duration. Get with a L and see what your state laws are on the subject.
I have an appointment with IC today and I will run some of this finance stuff by him and see what he thinks. I don't want the D but at this point the writing is on the wall and I want to protect what I have worked so hard for.
Going to see a lawyer scares the @#$% out of me. I have never been in trouble in my life so I have zero experience with lawyers.
I don't care about the house other than it is where my kids have grown up. They have never called any other place home. I hate to think that they loose there rooms and backyard, and so many other things they have grown accustom to.
If It is possible, I would sacrifice a little to keep them there. Even if it means I have to pay a little extra. Is this crazy thinking? I honestly think the W would continue this same stich for ever if I let her. She has no intentions on leaving. I, on the other hand, am not comfortable living like this forever. If she never decides to work on the M I want to get on with my life.
I don't think now is the time to bring up the finances or anything else. Things have been calm at home and I don't want to start what I know will turn into a fight. I know it will have to talked about at some point but for now im going to let it ride. The kids are finally acting a little closer to normal.
Talk to a lawyer, your IC isn't one and that isn't his area of expertise. You're not going to sit down with your cardiologist and discuss martial finances.
Don't let speaking to a L scare you, they are on your side and you're not in trouble. All you're going to get is information, that's all. You don't have to DO anything with that information but you'll be able to no your options once you have that information.
This is just like reading a book.
Good advise pigpen.
It just scares me because I'm afraid I will be lef t with nothing. I make more than double what she makes and I've heard horror stories about men getting the shafts in these situations.
Good advise pigpen.
It just scares me because I'm afraid I will be lef t with nothing. I make more than double what she makes and I've heard horror stories about men getting the shafts in these situations.
That's why you go see a lawyer! They will crunch your numbers and show you what to expect. I always imagined if I got divorced, I'd be in a crap apartment alone and broke. But I'm still in my house doing ok. And I make about 2.5 times what my W makes.
The alimony scares me as well. I want to remain in the same house for the children. She couldn't afford in my sitch but I will be making every attempt. I have been planning for worst case and been told by attorney friends it will not be that bad.
Keep your head up
I'm feeling hopeless today. I'm fine but the more I detach the more I realize that the chances my w will come around are slim at best. She has been in Atlanta all weekend with a friend. I'm here with the kids. We had great weekend. I haven't spoke with w all weekend and she hasn't called. She sent a message through my D12 for me to get some stuff for our S10. She couldn't even call me for that.
I've been following the rules perfectly for a few weeks now. I know things take time but I also know that our R will never be healed if I give up. Honestly I'm not sure what the difference between giving up and Dbing is. It seems that the whole idea is to let go and gal. Am I wrong about this?
It's so confusing. I know the rule but when she says she wants D it sounds like she has made up her mind. Do feelings really change? I know in some cases they do but in my sitch she sounds like she really wants out. Of course we haven't had any R talks in a while but she is still very cold and there has been no sign that she is rethinking things.
I haven't posted in a few days. I just wanted to give an update.
I'm feeling hopeless today. I'm fine but the more I detach the more I realize that the chances my w will come around are slim at best. She has been in Atlanta all weekend with a friend. I'm here with the kids. We had great weekend. I haven't spoke with w all weekend and she hasn't called. She sent a message through my D12 for me to get some stuff for our S10. She couldn't even call me for that.
maybe I'm confused. What does detachment have to do with this? But yes, the chances were already slim - maybe it's more that you are starting to see that? On the plus side, you had a great weekend!
I've been following the rules perfectly for a few weeks now. I know things take time but I also know that our R will never be healed if I give up. Honestly I'm not sure what the difference between giving up and Dbing is. It seems that the whole idea is to let go and gal. Am I wrong about this?
This sounds like you're being impatient! Your R can't be healed unless BOTH of you are interested in healing. If you were a doctor, you can bandage something, but if the patient removes the bandages and sticks a knife into the wound, there's not much you can do. So, yes, you have to give up on the M right now. That doesn't mean that you close the door on the possibility of R later though.
It's so confusing. I know the rule but when she says she wants D it sounds like she has made up her mind. Do feelings really change? I know in some cases they do but in my sitch she sounds like she really wants out. Of course we haven't had any R talks in a while but she is still very cold and there has been no sign that she is rethinking things.
I haven't posted in a few days. I just wanted to give an update.
When you got married, do you think se thought "ITs too bad we are going to be divorced in XXX years." Of course not. The problem is that you are too focused on the day to day. The changes can be so imperceptibly small that you don't notice them. Or she may not be communicating them. Or you could just be focusing on the negatives. Or who knows what! That's why we all say to focus on you and GAL. Then you don't spend your life driving yourself crazy looking for these changes.
I really struggle with trying to move on and have no expectations and still DB, especially in LRT mode. I don't contact H proactively but then over-analyzie each encounter. Some days I wish my heart could truly move on.
I get your frustration. Keep thinking patience.
I am very impatient. this is something I need to work on.
So the W came home from Atlanta last night around 7pm. Nothing was said except for the "what's up". this is basically what I get every time we see each other. I can tell something is bothering her. Im trying not to mind read but I hope the decision to D is whats bothering her. The kids have been very clingy to me and I think this upsets her. Especially our S7. He is always trying to get us together and trying to make us hold hands and things like that. Of course she thinks that im putting him up to it.
Anyway, overall a good weekend. I am getting better at DB and I feeling better also. i don't know what tomorrow brings and i am ok with that.
I know I ask the same questions over and over. Is it normal for the w to basically clam up and get even colder when I am detaching? Even before I started DB we would at least have some conversation. It seems now that these are very few and short conversations now. I'm not talking about R or M talks. Just every day stuff.
It worries me that we are growing farther apart. She is just really quite and looks like a ghost. She don't put on make up or fix her hair. I know you all will say I'm putting too much focus on her. The truth is I love her and I am worried about her.
I know I ask the same questions over and over. Is it normal for the w to basically clam up and get even colder when I am detaching?
When you say "detaching", what exactly do you mean?
By detaching I mean that I'm not starting conversations, I'm not asking where she is or what she is doing, I haven't called or texted her in weeks. Basically I'm doing my own thing. Staying out of the house when feasible. I haven't spoke with her much at all. And like the rules, when she does say something to me I am short and to the point. I just feel kind of selfish.
If I have missed something about detach, what is it? I know it does seem so but I'm not focused on her every move. And I don't expect anything from her. I take care of the kids and help them with homework. I have reconnected with tons of friends that I haven't talked to in a while. I have booked a piano job every week through october.
I just worry about her and her health. She looks unhealthy.
By detaching I mean that I'm not starting conversations, I'm not asking where she is or what she is doing, I haven't called or texted her in weeks. Basically I'm doing my own thing. Staying out of the house when feasible. I haven't spoke with her much at all. And like the rules, when she does say something to me I am short and to the point. I just feel kind of selfish.
So, this is not pursuing. Which is good. But it isn't detaching. I'd recommend reading the detachment thread again.
If I have missed something about detach, what is it? I know it does seem so but I'm not focused on her every move. And I don't expect anything from her. I take care of the kids and help them with homework. I have reconnected with tons of friends that I haven't talked to in a while. I have booked a piano job every week through october.
I just worry about her and her health. She looks unhealthy.
Detaching is about your emotions. It's about separating your emotions from the ups and downs that she's going through.
It's ok to worry about her. Just don't try to FIX her problems. Validate her feelings.
She may think you are giving her the cold shoulder, and she's mirroring what she sees.
Detaching doesn't mean you have to give the silent treatment. How would you treat her if she was an older lady renting a room in your house?
Here is another way of explaining detaching.
Healthy Detachment...(Posted by DBer Peanut originally)
I. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.
Attached, we take personally ALL that is said, not said, done and not done.
When our ego gets wounded, we are more inclined to do/say things that undermine our goals.
When we are Detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.
Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation, and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.
On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.
Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not indifference. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’
It is the natural acceptance that we alone are responsible for how we act. We cannot control another person, but we can control how we respond to them.
We are responsible for our own actions (no one else is).
We are responsible for our own happiness. (No one else is)
PART II Detachment (found around here)
Detachment is the:
* Ability to allow S the freedom to be him/herself.
* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix S from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.
* Giving S "the space" to be him/herself.
* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with S.
* Accepting that I cannot change or control S and it was never my "duty/job" to do so.
* Establishing of emotional boundaries between me and S, so that both of us might be able to develop our own sense of autonomy and independence.
* Process by which I am free to feel my own feelings when I see S falter and fail and not to feel responsible for his/her failure, faltering or learning.
* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring, without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, demanind or controlling.
* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective. (=Balance is a piece of detachment).
* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to hang on beyond a reasonable and rational point.
* Ability to let people I love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.
Sandi,
I understand all of this except the last one.
"Ability to let people I love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions (and to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them)".
Is this right? Am I supposed to bail my W out when her actions lead to failure?
I am doing a lot better with the DBing and I think you are right when you say she is mirroring what she sees. I want things to work so badly and im sick of my family telling me to give up and hers telling me that I cant give up.
My IC tells me that I am still the man of the house and even if she says she wants a D I cant be the one to leave. I feel that I have been exhibiting the PMA and the kids have responded incredibly. The 180 I am most proud of is spending a lot more time with the kids. They treat me much differently than before.
My D12 has started talking to me about boys. Not that I want to hear that. she is only in the 7th grade. However this is something she has never talked to me about before. We are growing so close. Both of the boys have really taken notice in the new me. We play golf together and backyard base ball. They have all started coming to me for help with their homework and telling me all about their lives.
I love my family and want nothing more than to have all of us together in the future. The things im learning here do work. I have been supportive of the W without trying to fix things for her. She wants to start taking pictures again. She is a great photographer.
I guess things aren't that bad. We get along fine as long as I don't bring up any M conversations. However im pretty sure she still wants a D.
I think it was typo and should read "not" to bail them out.
So the w went from not talking to me. To being a complete a hole. My head is spinning. I kept my cool and said I don't deserve to be talked to like that. Nothing else was said. Wow!
Still getting the spew. Now it's about money. HElP!!
Just STFU and take a walk! Be better and the bigger person.
I don't know what happened last night. She must have had a bad day at work or something. I dropped our D12 off at a party and arranged for her cousin to bring her home. W asked me to drop her off. I guess I assumed that I would make arrangements to get her home. The W came out and said that she was going to pick up our D12 and I said that her cousin is bringing her home. This is when she got mad and asked why I didn't tell her that the cousin was bringing her home. I really didn't know what to say. I just said im sorry I figured because I dropped her off that I would make sure she got home.
She was mad about this? it was no big deal. Then she came at me with some money issue. She wanted to write a check to sign our S7 up for soccer. I had already gotten the cash for it so I gave it to her. She then just stormed in the house and left me outside. I don't know why these minor issues were such a big deal to her. I think I handled it fine though.
I didn't engage her. I let it go and did not defend myself. She acted like a jerk to me the rest of the night.
I just said im sorry I figured because I dropped her off that I would make sure she got home.
What were you sorry for? What would you do again differently if you were in the same situation?
Nothing I would have done the same. I have a habit of appoligizing for things that don't require an apology.
Im feeling depressed today.
I had a piano gig last night. It was the first gig I have had in over a year. I was really rusty and not many people showed up.
My W brought the kids out for a few minutes. My D12 and S7 both got up and sang songs with me. That felt good.
My W is so far gone. She doesn't even smile anymore. What is up with her. I don't get it. I have been reading and posting on this site for over a month and not seen a good explanation as to why or how someone just turns off. It is the weirdest thing I have ever witnessed.
I am doing ok, all things considered. like a lot of you I think logically about most things I want to get to the bottom of the real problem. It dives me nuts that I cant figure this out.
Anyway, I just wanted to vent.
Welcome to the club of non understanding. It's alien to us all.
I have felt the same way so many times snd then I am reminded that irrational behavior can not be rationalized.
We do know that this is faitly consistent behavior for WAWs and WW. We do know this is not necessarily uncharted territory. Still fustrating as hell though.
My W is so far gone. She doesn't even smile anymore. What is up with her. I don't get it. I have been reading and posting on this site for over a month and not seen a good explanation as to why or how someone just turns off. It is the weirdest thing I have ever witnessed.
Tkd - I posted this a couple places. To me, it's like a lake freezing from the bottom up. You may go months or years with the lower layers slowly freezing, but you cant really notice them. At BD, that last layer on the top freezes, and while it looks to you like the lake is just now freezing, in reality, the entire [censored] thing is a giant block of ice.
Good analogy and I understand that this has been growing in her for a while. The thing that I dwell on is, what was the breaking point.
She wore her ring and slept in our bed the day before BD and then Wham. I keep trying to think of what happened in the days and weeks leading up to the BD. For life of me, I cant remember much about that time period.
It doesn't matter anyway. It is what it is and this is my new reality.
Something else that has me confused is why she hasn't made any moves toward the D. If this is what she wants then why hasn't she done something about it. don't get me wrong, im glad she hasn't. I am in better shape than some of the folks on this site. Its just that it would be easy for her to move in with her mother. MIL lives less than 5 minutes away. She said over a month ago that she was going to move out. That was the last time she said anything about the sitch. oddly enough, that was also when I stopped the pursuit and started to detach and GAL. I may have just answered my question.
I cant put my finger on the reason but im very depressed today. Nothing out of the ordinary happened last night. No fighting or R talks. The kids had a great time watching me play piano and they were still excited this morning about getting to sing with me.
Im sure this is just another low point in this relentless roller coaster. I feel alone. I called a lot of friends to come see me last night they all said they would be there but only 4 of them showed. I guess I should be thankful for the four that showed up.
I have been finding myself looking at other women differently than before. I have always noticed attractive woman but I knew I was married and I would have never cheated. Now with things the way they are, the thought of another woman is exciting. Not that I would act on it, but im being honest. just thinking what cheating on my W would be like gives me a panic attack.
Do any of you struggle with this? I cant be the only man on this site who hasn't thought about infidelity when the W completely ignores you. However, I know for sure that it would only make me feel worse.
Tkd, I can join the honest group with you. I catch myself looking at women as if they "could be the one" type thing. It is far from how I ever was in my relationship, XF would say things such as, did you see that girls boobs? Or, wow, that girl looked amazing. I honest to god wouldn't even take notice but when she would say something I'd take a glance. Nothing other than her ever tickled my fancy until lately. I also agree that right now thinking and looking is as far as it is healthy for anybody here. I couldn't bring myself to act on any of these thoughts but as time passes the thoughts are more frequent...
Hi I think it's natural as you have been hit hard and maybe deep down you'd likr to know if you are still able to attract women. You have only been here for a month, give it time. See each day as a step towards recovery as it will get better.
I know it is hard, but rest assure that you will see the light at the end of the tunnel. Keep faith in what God has planned for you.
The W is looking more and more depressed. I have read on many threads about women who are having a MLC and they all say that the W is dressing better or trying or look younger. Going out to clubs and dressing sexy. My W is the exact opposite. For lack of a better word, she looks like crap. She is thin, gaunt, pail, and generally just doesn't look healthy. I haven't seen her smile in a while. She seemed happier before I started DBing. Yes, she has gone out of town for the weekend twice since BD to see a mutual friend (female married with 2 kids). This friend is also a devout Christian.
My W is an alcoholic and has been our entire relationship. Her father passed away at 48 from cirrhosis of the liver. I think this is bothering her. Her father also abandoned her and her siblings when she was 4. She will admit to being an alcoholic but will not even try to get sober. She is what most people call functioning. SHe goes to work and is a good mother but she cant go a day without drinking.
Right after the BD we agreed to stop drinking for 3 months to re-evaluate the sitch completely sober. She lasted a week and im not sure she lasted that long. She was hiding liquor at the neighbor's house.
Im no saint when it comes to drinking. I have my own issues to work on.
I have went back and forth as to why she decided she wants out of the M. I don't think its an A but im not sure. At one point I thought MLC but she is not trying to make herself more attractive. I have even thought peri menopause.
She just seems very depressed and doesn't look good. I know this is not my problem anymore. I was just wondering if anyone had heard or seen some of these symptoms in their Ws.
So again, I need some advise.
I there such thing as a mid life depression versus a MLC. Its seems that the W is in deep depression at this point. As I stated in the last post, she is not reverting to a teenager like most ive read about here. I know that I cant fix it but I cant help wanting to label the problem. we haven't talked much and I feel myself slipping away.
I have been talking to a friend (who happens to be female) from high school. I am not interested in her romantically and she recently went through a divorce and has been helpful. Is this wrong. I feel kind of guilty for talking to her but she seems to understand what I am going through. She has given me some good advise but has also given me some bad advise. Example she thinks that I have waited long enough for my W to reconsider and that I should probably throw in the towel.
Im a little worried that she may be interested in me for more than just friends. I have told her that I am not interested in any R other than my M and she agrees but something doesn't feel right. Should I cut this communication off? I don't want to hurt her feelings but its making me feel guilty. What is an emotional affair? Is talking to an old friend who happens to be a female and emotional affair?
I am really torn on this because I do enjoy talking with her but if she has something different in mind, I feel I need to cut the communication.
So again, I need some advise.
I there such thing as a mid life depression versus a MLC. Its seems that the W is in deep depression at this point. As I stated in the last post, she is not reverting to a teenager like most ive read about here. I know that I cant fix it but I cant help wanting to label the problem. we haven't talked much and I feel myself slipping away.
Never heard of a mid-life depression but seems as reasonable as anything else. But you already know what everyone is going to tell you; it's just a label and doesn't change anything. You act the same regardless of what you wanna call it. I know what you mean about slipping away, but again, don't assume that feeling is permanent. I have felt myself slipping away, sometimes days at a time, then out of the blue feel as strongly as ever that I want my WW back. It's part of the coaster and will take a very long time to settle down. You're nowhere near the end of the ride.
I have been talking to a friend (who happens to be female) from high school. I am not interested in her romantically and she recently went through a divorce and has been helpful. Is this wrong. I feel kind of guilty for talking to her but she seems to understand what I am going through. She has given me some good advise but has also given me some bad advise. Example she thinks that I have waited long enough for my W to reconsider and that I should probably throw in the towel.
Im a little worried that she may be interested in me for more than just friends. I have told her that I am not interested in any R other than my M and she agrees but something doesn't feel right. Should I cut this communication off? I don't want to hurt her feelings but its making me feel guilty. What is an emotional affair? Is talking to an old friend who happens to be a female and emotional affair?
I am really torn on this because I do enjoy talking with her but if she has something different in mind, I feel I need to cut the communication.
It sounds to me like this could potentially be a dangerous path. If your friend is recently D, then I would say there's a good chance she is interested in being more than friends. I've recently come to the conclusion myself that there is no such thing as "just friends" between a man and woman when both are single, or at least it's extremely rare. Maybe one of the two wants to be friends, but in most cases at least one is interested in more, especially as time goes on and you spend more time together. If that's not you in this case, then guess who it is?
I understand having a previous connection, and having her be a sympathetic ear, but if you are serious about wanting to save your M, I would suggest you minimize contact with your female friend. You don't have to be mean or rude about it, and can still have contact, but try not to delve into your M and feelings too much. If you start openly discussing emotions, that's when you begin to cross the line into an EA yourself, and it's a slippery slope from there into full blown PA. As long as you're interesting in saving your M, I would focus friendship efforts on other men, not on single women. Hang in there.
Thanks for the reply I was beginning to think no one was out there. I spoke with the female friend a few minutes ago. I told her that I was only interested in a friendship and that I still love my w. She said she understood and that if I thought we should not be talking then she would respect that. I wasn't sure what to say. I told her thanks for listening and that I would be in touch sometime.
I hope I did the right thing. And I hope that she has not been another victim of my sitch.
On your friend, would you tell your W about the level of conversation you're having (in normal times)?
Probably not. I have discussed my marriage with this woman and I have said told her things about my marriage that I shouldn't have.
This is not someone I have had a relationship with in the past. Just someone who's knows me well. Her and I have been friends from years. Since middle school.
I've never had female friends during my M. So it doesn't feel right to do it now.
So, its labor day weekend which means the W, kids and I will be together at the house all weekend. This scares me. During the week I have no problem not talking to her about the R. On the weekend when we are together more its harder to keep my mouth shut. I have pulled it off for the past few weekends so I think I will be ok.
At what point is it ok to talk to her about the M? from what ive read I should keep quite about it until she brings it up. I hate this. Im leaving in November for a new project out of town and would love to have some sign from her that things will be ok between us before I go. I don't know if that will happen but I sure wish it would.
It is getting easier to DB. the more I practice the better I get at it. I haven't had a break down in a while. Im still emotional but ive been able to keep it a bay.
I am continuing to grow closer to my kids and they have really taken notice in the changes ive made so far. I think this makes the W angry. Back when we were still talking about our M she would always say "you cant just change now". Im not sure what that means. I guess she doesn't want me to change so that it is easier to justify her decision. In my mind, I have to change now. Im not willing to live another day as the man I was.
So the depression continues with the w. Wow, I've never seen her like this before. It seems the more I use the LRT the more depressed she gets. Is this normal?
So the depression continues with the w. Wow, I've never seen her like this before. It seems the more I use the LRT the more depressed she gets. Is this normal?
I don't know if it's normal, but I can tell you that my WW has been acting very stressed and depressed the past few weeks as well. It's impossible to know exactly what's going through their minds, but I'm sure that as reality of their choices sinks in, and they notice the LBH backing away and no longer chasing, that they really start to question what they are doing.
I know it's hard but you have to try and disconnect from your W, and not pay attention to her every mood swing. She's on an emotional roller coaster even bigger than yours, and you certainly don't need to be along for the ride. Keep up with DBing and let her work through her feelings.
So, I installed new flooring all day yesterday. Wow I'm really sore. The kids helped me alot and we had a great time. The w just kind of moped around and didn't say much. She did however tell how much she love the new floors.
I'm going to finished up the floors today and work on the yard. There is so much to do around here.
I don't know what is on the w's mind but she has been sleeping alot. She doesn't look good and although I worry about her I don't let on like she bothers me. I'm really trying hard to stay possitive. I didn't sleep much last night. Damn dreams!
Me and the kids are going to my family reunion next weekend. I told the w she is welcome to come. She said no. When I asked why she said "just because". This is something my 7 year old would say.
The weekend went pretty well until yesterday.
The W and I were playing ping pong and having a great time. I asked if she wanted to bet on the game. Loser does all laundry for a week. She said no and instead said "if you loose you have to move out". Pretty messed up if you ask me. Any way, this led to a small argument. She ended up crying and saying that she is sorry but she cannot see us together ever again as H and W. She said she wished she felt differently for the sake of the whole family but she doesn't. She said she has been waiting to see if she would feel different but she hasn't. She then said again that she didn't want to end up like my mother. She has said this many times before. My mother and father have been married for 40 years. Yes they have had some difficult times but they always have been able to work it out.
I told my W that my mother was happy and at least she never gave up on her marriage. I also told her that I did not appreciate her using my mother as an excuse for her actions.
Nothing more was said. The rest of the night went well. We grilled chicken ate and went to bed.
I know I probably didn't respond well to her during the argument and I know this another set back in DB. I probably didn't respond correctly to the argument but im am trying to get better.
Any thoughts or comments would be appreciated.
Wonder what was on offer if you won the game.
I'll leave the vets interpret the situation .
All the best
im not sure what the other offer would be. It didn't get that far. It was the best of three matches and the conversation started after two. We each had one one match.
I really need some encouragement right now. im in a slump again today. I guess its because of the argument yesterday. Every time I hear that she still wants D it feels like the day of the original BD. I have made some progress through this but still have days where im sad and cant shake it. It never leaves my mind for a second. I want to cry but I have promised myself I wouldn't.
I have to play piano tonight at the tavern down the street. It is really hard to entertain people when your heart is aching. Especially when I see couples there and happy together. I get request for love songs all night and it is all I can do to make it through without breaking down.
She said last night that she didn't want to prolong this but she is not making any moves to move out. I think she is waiting for me to do it. I WILL NOT MOVE OUT. I have told her this over and over. I just cant believe all that has happened.
I am not giving up hope. I want to but I cant seem to let go completely. I have been doing a lot of GAL but she is always in the back of my mind. I have been having horrible dreams. They are always the same. Her either cheating on me or her telling me she wants to work it out. I need some help today.
tkdmme,
Just curious, what are all of your reasons for not moving out? The one thing I wish I did was move out. She has the kids anyways, my house has little equity if any. Moving out would have prevented me from hounding her all the time.
As far as the argument goes. That was a nasty thing for her to say if you ask me. That would have hurt my feelings pretty bad. I am not even sure how the heck one should react to something like that. I do know that anger is apparently never the answer. I do not think that showing sadness is the answer either.
I am just not sure how you remain upbeat and positive in a sitch like that.
I'm sorry for what you are going through. Wish there was something I could say that would make you feel better but there isn't. You are still way too attached. And that is part of the problem with living with your W. My WW moved out 6 months ago and as hard as that was, I think it was the best for both of us. I have had a very difficult time detaching and only over the last couple of weeks do I feel like I've made some decent progress.
Yes, I still struggle every day but not nearly to the extent I did a few weeks ago. I was in just as bad of shape as you. WW on my mind every second, unable to focus on anything but getting her back. I went around 3 months from BD and couldn't really accomplish anything other than basic household chores and taking care of kids.
All I can tell you is that it does get better with time IF you can detach and focus on GAL activities. But I believe it's going to be very hard for you to make much progress while seeing your W every day. I agree about you staying in the home though. If she wants to leave, let her. Hang in there brother.
Whyus,
There are several reasons that I am not moving out. The number one reason is that I don't want my kids to think im the one walking out of the marriage. They know what's going on but only my D12 knows that it is not my decision. The boys I think are to young to understand.
Number two reason is that it is my house too. If she wants out of the marriage I think it should be her moving out.
Number three. I will be leaving at the end of November for a project out of town. I have the option to come home every weekend from my employer. I think it would but dumb to get a place of my own right now when I will be leaving in a few months anyway and the company is paying for an apartment for me.
dwh,Whyus,
Thank you both for the reply. There has not been much activity on my thread for a while. I was starting to think I had offended someone. I hope this isn't the case.
JUst know you are not alone. Everything you stted is felt the same here. I am still in the same house and everytime something is brought up about the S it feels like someone ripped my heart out. I also agree about constantly thinking about the situation. I am doing a lot for GAL but it is always there. I just keep trying. I know in the moments when i do feel good and that things will be fine in the end and i show a PMA about everything and act as if i am paying her no mind then she seems to be more talkative to me or want to interact.
I know we are on emotional roller coasters, but i believe they are just as much. They are convinced getting away from us is the answer and when they feel differently they need to reassure themselves.
I also do believe that if things are to ever get better for me that it will have to get worse first.
I know probably not much help, but keep trying to move forward.
I hear you tkd, I'm just not in a real good place today... Stuck in the beginning of the week funk but figured I would respond so you know I'm here reading. Even if I don't have much useful to say today.
Hi. I'm reading your sitch but again nothing much to add. It's absolutly crap and knowing at the end of this you will be happy again is little consolation right now.
I found the harest part was accepting that W did not want an R with me anymore.
Even though she still ( over a year since BD ) says she's not sure what she wants and isn't happy
It takes time to accept that the M is over and that's not to say a new M is nt possible one day but for now it's over
Stay strong and keep DBing because it does work for every one. Maybe not to restore your M but for you as a person
Take care. Rd
Uphill,
Thanks for the response. The beginning of the week funk seems to be going around. It is raining here and it seems that the depression is worse when its raining.
Just knowing that you guys are out there is useful to me.
Thanks again.
Even though she still ( over a year since BD ) says she's not sure what she wants and isn't happy
Sent this to Ghost earlier, but I'll send it to you too. At BD, the essence of what the WAS thinks is:
Im not happy and you are the cause of it. I will be happier without you.Thats pretty much what all of this boils down to. Luckily, we all know thats not usually how it goes. Replacing us, the LBS, wont solve the core issues leading to the unhappiness. Unfortunately, its not always so easy for the WAS to really understand that until theyve inflicted tons of damage everywhere.
Heres the thing to remember.
Its not about you. You could have been a 97% approval rating husband and still be here, because that 3% is expanded and picked at and blamed.
Ultimately, it's on ourselves to be responsible for our own happiness. Instead of being sad, think about how much joy and warmth and love and passion that your music is inspiring in the people that listen to it.
Thanks Azzork,
That is what im trying to get through my thick skull. I have changed and bettered myself in all the areas she always complained about. In my mind if this was all my fault and on me 100%, then she would come back when I changed for the better. I have changed but it doesn't effect the way she feels. She still thinks that I am the reason for her unhappiness. I haven't bothered her in the least in over a month now and she still feels the same way.
Im getting myself back on track. I have doing well with all of this. Yesterday just brought me down.
Thanks Azzork,
That is what im trying to get through my thick skull. I have changed and bettered myself in all the areas she always complained about. In my mind if this was all my fault and on me 100%, then she would come back when I changed for the better. I have changed but it doesn't effect the way she feels. She still thinks that I am the reason for her unhappiness. I haven't bothered her in the least in over a month now and she still feels the same way.
Im getting myself back on track. I have doing well with all of this. Yesterday just brought me down.
Ive posted this a couple of times, but this visual has really helped me to understand the situation tkd. Imagine a lake freezing upwards. You dont see any evidence of the freeze until that top layer freezes. But at that point, its not just a thin layer of slush on that top like you might imagine, the entire LAKE is frozen SOLID. So your changes so far have maybe melted the top little bit, but it will take a long time of consistent change to really have an possible impact. And theres some chance that you cant ever melt it.
And thats why its important to keep working on yourself. PMA, GAL, detach, 180s, etc. Keep DOING.
Az, your last post is brilliant. When I read it, was like a light bulb went on in my head. We are dealing with people who are extremely unhappy in life and blaming us, and in some cases seeking that happiness through another person. They don't know how to make themselves happy. It's always up someone else. Thank you for putting that out there today. Really helped my mood.
TKD,I'm in the same boat as you brother. I've turned my life around in a positive way in almost every aspect. Better father, friend, brother, son, you name it. Best physical shape I've been in for 25 years. And I know my WW has noticed because she has commented several times. But it's never enough. She's convinced she cannot be happy with me. The current OM is the answer. Forget the previous OM that all fizzled within 2 years. This guy is different, he's the one. There's nothing we can do about it, until our wives wake up to reality. Sadly, that may come way too late or never at all. Just keep being the best you can be and let others appreciate it.
I am really trying hard to become a better person. At this point in my sitch I truly know that I will be fine without her or anyone else for that matter. This I know now and it had helped me. Like most of you, I would love for my marriage to be reconciled but if not I know I will be better in the end regardless.
I really worry about the kids though. Its like I have had this awakening and I am becoming a better father but if something don't change I will be forced into the part time dad arena. I am not comfortable with this yet. Having someone tell me when I can see my children really bothers me. Maybe it wont be that bad and she will facilitate a fair arrangement as far the kids go. This is yet to be seen.
I cant worry that far in advance of something. I will stay in the moment and change the things that are in my control.
That's it man. You can't worry about things in the future that may or may not happen. As a precaution though, I would recommend you keep a daily activity log tracking how much time and the things both you and W are doing with the kids. Document that you are being a great father, just in case W turns nasty. Hopefully you never need it but smart to be prepared just in case.
And I know my WW has noticed because she has commented several times. But it's never enough. She's convinced she cannot be happy with me. The current OM is the answer. Forget the previous OM that all fizzled within 2 years. This guy is different, he's the one. There's nothing we can do about it, until our wives wake up to reality.
Very true! That is just one reason why the H needs to do it for himself, and not to just win her back. However, let's be honest. No matter what a newcomer says about how he's not doing it for her.....we know it is only human nature to want it to have positive affect. In the beginning, I think it is
the motivation behind getting him to make those changes.
Back to the quote above, I hope the LBH who has a WW will understand that at
this point her thought process is too crazy. It is much easier for her to continue blaming him and using those old excuses for her unhappiness, rather than to stop her addictive A and wayward behavior in order to work hard & long with her H to restore their M.
Their time frames are out of sync. When she is finally "done", then he wakes up and is ready to do anything to keep her. He can't understand why she won't give him a chance to prove how different things could be again. In her mind, she gave him thousands upon thousands of chances and now she doesn't feel anything for the M.
Very sad that we human beings are that way. FWIW, when she agrees to end the A and stay in the M.......the hard stuff has just begun. You think this is hard? Just wait till you are piecing it back together again. You still have two individuals who think and feel differently from one another. Both of them will still have hurt and unresolved issues to iron out (plus learning how to "piece"). They both are fragile, in their own way. And honestly, they may continue to feel as though they are in separate time zones (or planets) for a while. That's why we continue to stress that it takes a long time, and great patient.
(hugs)
Alright fellow DBERS I'm headed out to blaze the 88s. (Btw that means I'm going to play the hell out the piano). I'm positive and ready thanks to all of you. Wish me luck. I could use a great night.
Good Luck tkdmme, you may not see it but you have come a long way.
So my family reunion is this weekend in TN. This is about 4 hours away. Me and the kids are going. I told my wife a few weeks back that I would like her to come as well. She declined and said that it would make her uncomfortable to be around my family. His is my W of 16 years who has been a big part of my family. I have a huge family in TN and we used to go there 4 or 5 times a year. She has always loved my family and they love her. I don't understand why she isn't willing to go. I get that she doesn't want to be around me but why would she not want to see my family. If for no other reason than for our kids.
My D12 asked me last night if mom was going with us. I told her no. She didn't ask but I could see on her face she wanted to know why.
This has really hurt me. My father is sick with cancer and he has been great to her. always helped us when we needed help.
It is going to be difficult explaining why my W is not with me to the extended family. My parents know what is going on but the rest of the family does not. What do I tell the kids when they ask why mom is not coming? What do I tell the family when they ask where she is?
Im looking forward to seeing my family but im sick that she will not come.
Im wondering if I should send my W an email telling her how much this bothers me. Is this a good idea?
Hi Tk, no I wouldn't do anything about this. Just respect your W's choice that she doesn't wish to come and understand it would make her uncomfortable at this point. You resisting it, or trying to pursuade her (by telling he how much this bothers you) won't be productive would be my guess.
Let her be, go and make the most of it with your kids and decide on what you will tell others. It could be as simple as - oh, she had to work this weekend...
A big part of DBing is managing to let go some of these things that bother us and accept 'what is, right now.' We may not like it, but we can accept it.
Good luck with things my friend
Sotto,
Thanks for the advise. I kind of knew that I shouldn't write her or tell her how it makes me feel that she will not go with us. I just needed to hear it from one of you guys.
What do you think I should tell the kids? They know how bad things are right now and maybe they wont even ask. I have struggled about how much or little to tell them. They see me changing for the better and my relationship with them has improved drastically.
I want them to know that I am trying to keep our family together. In the end I guess I want them to know that this was not my decision.
My W is a great mother and always has been. She loves our kids more than life. I don't want them to think badly of her. I just want them to know that I did all I could to repair the sitch.
My W is a great mother and always has been. She loves our kids more than life. I don't want them to think badly of her. I just want them to know that I did all I could to repair the sitch.
Im worried that what I marked in red and what I marked in blue are going to be mutually exclusive. That said, I dont think it is your job to worry about or influence either one of these. The relationship between your W and your kids is between them. The more you butt in, the worse your W will think of you. Id just leave it all alone.
Azz,
I understand what you mean and I agree.
Im looking forward to this weekend. Im still bummed that the W is not going but after thinking hard about it, I think im bummed because of selfish reasons. I know I will be wondering what she is doing while we are away. Its not so much that I want her to be there. She is actually kind of a downer these days.
I just wish I knew whether there was someone else involved in this or not. I keep going back and forth. She told me yesterday that she was going to visit a mutual friend (recently divorced female) next weekend for the friends 40th bday. I know that it is indeed the friends bday but I shudder at the thought of what they will be doing. This is my Ws best friend from high school and they are both heavy drinkers. The friend is also not exactly the modest type. My W however has always been very modest in her dress and demeanor.
Anyway, I just worry that her friend will influence her to do something immoral while she is away.
I don't know why I keep fixating on what she will do. And I don't know why I keep posting these things fully knowing that this is the wrong way to think at this point. Im only human and I get upset and worried sometimes.
This is just so exhausting and I need a break. I need so badly for something good to happen in my life right now. This has been the worst year of my life by far. Everything seems to be falling apart.
Ok, sorry for the pity party. Life goes on, right?
"I need so badly for something good to happen in my life right now."
Look at those 3 beautiful children right in front of you, give them all the love and compassion you can muster.
Be the man tkdmme, love those children, this is good.
We can't make people have compassion. It makes no difference to her how she makes you feel or anyone else, for that matter. I would not send her an email. Go have fun. When the kids and relatives ask, don't cover for her. Tell them she apparently had something else she wanted to do. I know the spot you are in, b/c there was a time that my H would not go to any of my family reunions.
So I'm in my home town with my kids for my family reunion. This really hard to be here without my w. I woke up this morning sad. I'm haveing a good cry this morning but I am going to pull out of this and have a good time today. It's so hard to let go.
We had a fight before I left yesterday. Apparently my w broke into my phone and read my messages. I had been talking with a friend from high school (female) about my sitch. My friend has gone through a divorce. The messages were inocent but I had vented to my friend about my w. I could tell it bothered the w.
If she doesn't want to be with me and wants me to move on then why is she breaking into my phone? I told my w that she has no business snooping on me and that she could have asked and I would have shown her my phone. I have nothing to hide.
So, me and kids came home from the family reunion at 6pm last night. The wife welcomed the kids and told them she missed them. She said nothing to me. She later reminded me that she was going to a friend's 40th bday party this coming weekend.
I hate this so much. Im feeling ok with things but im ready for this to be over. I know it will not be over for a long time. At this point I know that I will be ok no matter what happens but im scared of the future either way.
BTW before I left for the reunion she told me that she could afford the house by herself when we refinance. I told her that I would not refinance with her knowing that she is going to divorce me. She was angry and said that I should do it so the kids don't have to move.
Im torn on this. I don't want the kids to have to move but I don't think its smart to refinance with her when she wants a divorce.
I need so help with this. I would appreciate any advise.
I wouldn't touch a refinance with a barge pole. She's using the kids excuse to get you to do something for her...pure selfishness. Don't do it.
Thanks Huddy,
I was thinking the same thing. She has been using throwing them in my face over everything. When she said that I needed to refinance to keep the kids in their home, I told her that the D was not my decision and that the kids moving from their home was a result of her decision. She is really mad about this.
I don't want the kids to have to move either but I would be an idiot to sign with her right now.
Why would my W break into my phone and read my messages if she doesn't love me and wants me to move on? I posted this earlier but didn't get a response.
I don't understand it. I never thought she would be snooping on me. She didn't seem to care what I did or who I did it with before.
Why would my W break into my phone and read my messages if she doesn't love me and wants me to move on? I posted this earlier but didn't get a response.
I don't understand it. I never thought she would be snooping on me. She didn't seem to care what I did or who I did it with before.
Think of it this way: she sees you as the enemy right now. An ENEMY. So there are two good reasons I can think of:
1) She is looking for misbehavings that you have that she can use against you
2) She is looking for misbehavings that you have that she can use to make herself feel better about her choices.
Or, she could be nosy.
No way to really know. But I thought my W didnt care about me, and it turns out she was watching my every move for months. So protect yourself.
Feeling pretty bad today. I didn't sleep well. I had another dream where she was avoiding me and I was chasing after her. Not much fife rent than reality. It just feels like my life is over. I 2ish things were different. This stupid roller coaster keeps going and I'm begging it to stop.
We haven't had any r talks other than when she broke into my phone last week. I think I handled it well but I'm constantly second guessing my actions. This is the worst feeling ever. Things are not changing fast enough for me.
Hi TK, I'm sorry you had a tough night. What you are posting really highlights the need to work on detachment.
It feels like my life is over.....your life exists separately to your S and you need to discover and embrace that.
I wish things were different.....we're all working to transform brutal reality into a happy future life just now - transcendence.
You can get off the roller coaster whenever you like my friend. It is within your gift whenever you want to - whatever your W may be doing. You may have yet to truly believe this, but believe me it is true.
This is the worst feeling ever. Yes I understand the pain (all too well unfortunately.) And it is what you DO with the pain that matters. Handle this right and you'll feel you can survive anything life may throw at you.
Things are not changing fast enough....patience is key (and GAL) and things will unfold in their own time and at their own pace. Your feelings of frustration don't make any difference there.
Please remember that the most important outcome of this sitch is not whether you R with your S, but who you become as a result of this experience. Do that part right, and you will find happiness whichever way.
Take care x
Why would my W break into my phone and read my messages if she doesn't love me and wants me to move on?
Azzork gave an excellent answer. The only thing I will add is to tell you that she did not do this from a point of love, or lack of love. Love really is not her issue in why she snooped. I know, it must be terribly difficult to understand when it is your W doing this crazy stuff.
A WW may not feel the love for her H, but for the most part....she wants to be in control. Even if she tells him to move on, those are usually just words, trying to get him to back off and give her space. Truth is, most WW's tend to be manipulative. I won't say 100% are, but from the stories that come to the board, the majority seem to be. As Azzork said, she is looking for you to turn your foot the wrong way so that she can't point a finger and say that's why she had to end the M. Plus, some WW's are curious to know if the LBH is interested in dating, talking to any women, etc. Some want to see what he's telling others about the stitch.
Manipulation/control, gathering false evidence, being nosy/jealousy, etc., is usually the motivation behind a WW snooping. That's why we caution members to guard their DB computer history (or phone), whatever they use to post. That is how WW's have discovered things in other cases.......snooping into the history to see what LBH has been doing.
It's not that she cares about you. It is that she cares what you are doing, what you are saying...and to whom, and if you are GAL.
I was really hoping she snooper because she still cares about me but your explanation sounds more feasible.
I don't know if she saw the dB site. She didn't mention it. I'm going to keep posting on the assumption that she didn't see it.
And protect your phone where she can't get into it.
I don't know how she got into it. I have a lock that only my finger print can unlock. It scares me. I also keep it on my night stand at night. She must have slipped in sometime after I went to bed but im a light sleeper. I have been more careful since then.
I am still contemplating separating or finances. The only reason I haven't yet it because she doesn't make much money and cant pay all of her bills and her share of the shared bills. Would it be reasonable to split or finances and give her a certain amount of money to supplement her income? This supplement money would act as child support. But since we are still in the same house I don't think I should have to give her anything for child support.
I think the fair thing to do is have her pay her half of the mortgage and her half of the kids school (the kids are in an expensive private school). However she cant afford to do this.
Does anyone have any experience with in home separation and splitting finances?
I don't know how she got into it. I have a lock that only my finger print can unlock. It scares me. I also keep it on my night stand at night. She must have slipped in sometime after I went to bed but im a light sleeper. I have been more careful since then.
I am still contemplating separating or finances. The only reason I haven't yet it because she doesn't make much money and cant pay all of her bills and her share of the shared bills. Would it be reasonable to split or finances and give her a certain amount of money to supplement her income? This supplement money would act as child support. But since we are still in the same house I don't think I should have to give her anything for child support.
I think the fair thing to do is have her pay her half of the mortgage and her half of the kids school (the kids are in an expensive private school). However she cant afford to do this.
Does anyone have any experience with in home separation and splitting finances?
any advise on this?
Have you spoken to a lawyer?
What is the usual and customary thing in your state?
Also please start a new thread.