So this is my first post. Today is 5 months since I found out about my WW PA late last year. I think she's now moved on to an EA with a man old enough to be her dad. The latter I called out last week. She told me she would stop talking with the guy if I insisted and I told her the relationship was inappropriate, she knew that, and that she was smart enough and good enough to make the right decisions on her own.
I have been working 180s hard. I was distant, suffering from some pretty bad PTSD, so some of my 180s involve me being more engaged-around the house, as a father as man of the house etc. They involve me not allowing her to bully me into submission anymore. My line has been that I am working on being the man I want to be.
How it's affecting her? I have no idea. She seems like a teenager. For example the other day, she tells me I am the most handsome man she knows, taking candid photos of me, sharing them with her brother (he's gay and sends her his SO's pics to show off too.)
Then yesterday, the moodiness starts. I ignore it, pretending I believe her that she "isn't feeling well" and then today, she lashes out. I went to the car dealership and told them they have to fix something and call her back by cob today. She yelled at me and said I can't do everything for her I can't make up for not doing things for 12 years. My response was that I could see she was upset, and if she wanted to talk I would listen, but I was not going to stop being the man I want to be. I would not let others dictate my actions anymore and that my goal was to know I did the best I could that day and go to bed proud of myself.
I guess my question, is, what the heck is going on in that head. I can't figure out if this was triggered by the fact she enjoyed a weekend at her dad's together as a family (I usually allowed her to exclude me previously) or if it's because I called her out on her inappropriate relationship last week, and now we're home again. She is definitely trying to punish and control me though. She even took off her rings the past 2 days. I did call her on that too because the last time she did that, I didn't say anything, I figured it was worth mentioning as long as I didn't let any answer affect me. Thoughts?
OG
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Thanks Cadet. I've read (and still read) the books and even do coaching, I just can't afford it daily
Welcome to our community.
What are the ages of you and W? Have any kids?
I guess my question, is, what the heck is going on in that head. I can't figure out if this was triggered by the fact she enjoyed a weekend at her dad's together as a family (I usually allowed her to exclude me previously) or if it's because I called her out on her inappropriate relationship last week, and now we're home again.
Are you familiar with how EA's affect people (addiction, withdrawal, etc.)?
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I'm mid 40s, wife 2 yrs younger. 3 Kids, youngest 6 oldest 15.
I'm not sure how anything works in her head really.
I do know that for the first 3 months, things were much better between us.
I didn't backslide btw-I really evaluated that.
Then, it comes time for sports for one of the kids to start up. EVERYTHING changed-her mood, attitude, you name it.
I figured that since I wasn't previously engaged in this activity, she probably set it up as an activity in which she was a single woman and that her worlds were colliding (she admitted that btw).
But something still seemed odd as that should've worn off-that's when I caught her lying about her whereabouts one day and I called her and the very old guy out.
I do not have to tolerate being lied to and won't and do not need to make people's decisions for them.
I think what was most surprising to her is that 1) i didn't hurt the guy 2) I didn't rant and rave at her.
I just said the relationship became inappropriate the moment she lied about it to me.
Any insights you got, I'd love to listen.
I appreciate all of your support.
Any insights you got, I'd love to listen.
Your story sounds like many here.
Everything changing is a common theme.
Keep posting so we can get you off of moderation.
Yeah it's the same story but everyone is a bit different. For example, I stopped the chase and affection and all that so, my wife found someone(s?) else to do it. I gotta say that was a huge fail huh? She needs to be adored and needed and desired (we're married 16 yrs and I guess I just figured that out).
Anyway, that's why the disengagement thing isn't right for me, I don't think. What is is being strong and attractive. Here's an example, a guy curses at my wife in a parking lot-I would've ignored it previously, instead I go ballistic. She was initially "upset" but hasn't stopped telling the story with pride since.
So she's just getting worse today. Nasty to me at my kids practice, then left with a divorcee friend of hers who is just ewww. Came back, left to make dinner. Thanked her. She cabt even pretend she comes gor my kid. I smiled the whole time but wondering if I need to call her on it.
Sorry your here but it is a good place to be with problems like ours.
Have you sat down with your wife and discussed what the issues are between you two?
Sometimes it can provide some useful information.
There are some very wise people here and they will post to your thread, just keep posting. Hang in there.
I stopped the chase and affection and all that so, my wife found someone(s?) else to do it.
I just want to make sure Im understanding. Your wife had a PA at the end of December. And now she has started a new EA in the last couple months.
What kind of work did you two do together after the first affair ended? Did she really recommit to being married to you? Or was it more of a convenience thing until she could find a new "exit strategy"?
Can you detail your marital history? Detail all of the good and especially bad parts of the M and your part in them. Be brutally honest. The more info we have, the better we will be at being able to help you.
Yeah, conversation went like this
I may be wrong but you seem upset
I'm fine (walks away)
Excuse but I feel disrespected when you just walk off like that. You seem very upset.
...
You get the point. So I said I'm going out for coffee, if she'd like to talk later,I'd like to listen.
So things had been tough for years. About 8 yrs ago she had her first EA. I got tge whole ilybinilwy thing. Anyway, I worked through that and 180d but kids and stuff and I got complacent. Made a good living figured she was happy. THEN I lost my sister followed by my mom, who I found dead, 3 months later. This was 4 yrs ago. The depression from that was brutal. I completely shriveled away, and all I could do was work, but everything else, I had no energy for. Yeah she had an affair she said ended in December. I found an email from November to her om. And yes, I'm pretty sure she either started a new EA recently or its the same guy as the PA. She denies but, cmon. At the very least her relationship is inappropriate. Why? Because I saw her at his house and she lied about it. That's inappropriate.
Here are my 180s to date:
Quit drinking
Quit smoking
Sleep in my bed
Coffee in bed every day
I do laundry
Helped with her mother
Go to my kids sports program
Lost 65 lbs
No yelling or name calling
There's more.
Too brief.
What was it like before her first EA? What did you and her fight about? What were the traits she complained about? What were things that you didn't like about her? Listing your 180s don't help unless there's a context to them for us.
I didn't do anything around the house. I was disinterested in my kids and her family. I was too heavy. I smoked. My 180s are good. In fact she says I'm perfect. That makes her mad too.
What I don't like about her? Cold, cheating, lying, I'm angry right now.
My complaints were always she didn't show me affection, here are listed above.
A man of very few words it seems.
Is this how you communicate with her?
Did you ever read DB or DR?
Read both. Reread both. I'm actually very talkative, to the point where I try to be succinct especially online. IMHO, our relationship went like this-she "bullied" me into withdrawing then blamed my withdrawing on what ever came next. It's how she handles tough situations. She does it with her family etc. I obliged. I also don't know that that matters. I know I'm pissed and I know I am biased and prone to being defensive and withdrawn. I know that in certain ways I've come across as weak to her. Interestingly, the first EA only ended when I exploded on the OM. His mom got scared and called her and told her to stay away from him. I wonder if that's what she's expecting now. It's really not beneath me. So that's honesty. I really appreciate you asking me direct questions. It helps me get over my reluctance to speak.
You saying that she "bullied" you into withdrawing is your own opinion. She would probably say different. In any event, at that point, you had a choice to talk to her about it or not.
In fact, in your brief description of your M, you don't make it sound as if you were bullied at all.
Right now you're speaking out of pure emotion. Strong and secure men lead by actions and don't really need to say anything.
I don't disagree with anything you said. So the question is, when dealing with her mood swings, what actions should I take? Do I ignore (which seems like old behavior), or engage? I think I should engage but that's a really fine line. What I don't do is allow it to dictate what I do.
BTW-I went with "goodnight, If you want to talk, I'd appreciate the opportunity to listen. I really hope you feel better tomorrow and have fun at the beach."
Journal
Tried to engage my wife yesterday when she was very moody and she snapped. Told me to move out, I smiled and said no. Said she would, I asked her if she needed help packing. That wasn't nice on my part, but I'm not perfect. She then threatened to hit me so I told her threats are not acceptable anymore. Anyway, she took the kids to the beach and I stayed out all day. No calls, no text. Just went to my kids practice. We see each other there, she is visibly angry, the takes my other kid to the mall. She did pick up dinner though for the family. Had fun with the kids, pleasant to her, she was very moody. After dinner I change and tell her I'm going out for coffee. She freaks-"You always change your shirt when you go out for coffee? I'm going to put on a mini skirt and go out when you get back". I said fine, asked why she was yelling though. Anyway I went to sleep when I came back, she stayed home.
She told me to cancel dance classes today (we've been going once a week) as she'd rather stay in bed and have a headache. Really, she said she'd rather have a headache than take medicine. I told her I was going to learn to dance with or without her though it's fun when she comes. Asked her if I could do anything to make her day a little better, she said no, so I let her know I hope she feels better, and excused myself.
So why the roller coaster? This past Sunday, she tells me that this has been a great summer etc. Monday am - today, she's been miserable. Is it that I called her out on her inappropriate relationship last week (EA?, PA?, just inappropriate? who knows?). I do know that I can't be affected by her moods anymore because they are too volatile, but I have to remain engaged and supportive, which is pretty tough. Anyway, I am so glad I built my office earlier this year or I'd be sitting at the dining room table trying to work.
I think I need to clarify, by engage I do not mean R talk. I don't do that. Engagement I meant was she was being nasty and sullen and I said it appears to me that there may be something bothering you....
Her answer was, you didn't notice for X years, I wish you wouldn't notice now. I didn't get angry, that however really pissed her off. I guess I only took her bait half way, next time I ask and walk if her reply is hostile or non receptive.
Then, it comes time for sports for one of the kids to start up. EVERYTHING changed-her mood, attitude, you name it.
My experience has been to see the WW in these quick change moods when something interferes with her A, or things with her and OM aren't like she wants it.
Any insights you got, I'd love to listen.
I have several threads on the subject of the wayward wife, if you are interested. Cadet posted the link to the first one. "Help for newcomer LBH'S with a WW".
I interfered with her A. Here's what happened. Found out about an affair from November. She swore up and down it was over in December. OK. So I 180, and things are improving, however, sports start up and an old coach starts needing a lot of help b/c his wife left him. Anyway, I figured it was one or the other that was causing my wife to slide. Long story short, I drive by the old dude's house and see her car in the driveway. I call, no answer, call no answer, finally she calls back. Lies about where she was, I confront him and her. Now, since he's being evicted currently, I assume they got no where else to meet. Besides, nothing was going on. lol.
So, I was cool and just said that the relationship was not appropriate. She was fine for a few days, but now she is raging. She is yelling at me for staying calm, for validating, for detaching. Glad to see grandpa at practice though. She just told me that she knows I feel better with her having a chaperon as if a week ago she wasn't alone in another man's house and then lied to me about it. I'm really being tested. My coach says to validate and smile and talk calmly. This makes her nuts. Disengage, this makes her nuts. EVERYTHING makes her nuts. If I go out, she tries to go out too. She keeps upping the ante on everything. I can't figure it out. Like what's next etc. She really does act jealous though, but I don't know if she's just looking for any justification, or projecting or what.
So I could really use advice. My coach seems to suggest I not give tough love but I gotta tell you, after listening to my WW complain about not having free time w/o the kids or "a chaperon" I'm really tempted to pack her crap, drive it to the dudes house and give them a refrigerator box to sleep in for when he's evicted. I'd actually be very ok with that. It's sleeping next to her pretending I care about her that is my problem right now. Sorry I'm venting, but tough love I can do np.
She said this AFTER my kid's game, we were all gonna go out. She told my Ds that she wasn't going out and that dad would take them. Sorry, but this is a red line for me. Kids are not equals in a relationship. She should not, and I will not accept communicating through them. I've done that for too long. This is a 180 I am firm on.
Journal-
Oooh she really hates that I don't yell. Hates when I say "I appreciate your honesty" or validate. Even mocked me for it. That was fun. So, here's today's goodies.
I am "up her a$$ at" my kid's sports thing: "Other men don't go all the time. Other families don't hang out together. I ruined her zen place." Mind you, last year: "other men went, her friend's criticized me for not going and I my son wanted me there." Oh well.
I also have too much time on my hands because I work from home. "Other men travel to the office" and do other manly stuff I guess, but I get to stay at home and work and make a good living, so that's bad. She doesn't work of course, but I have idle time. I told her I would get a new job, she said I'd do it to screw her. "Only a crazy person would give up" what I make, or "to screw his wife in the end." I asked what that meant, she backtracked.
She then started crying, saying that I don't get to turn back time by being perfect now and get another shot. Started talking about our (lack of) intimacy and how bad I was for treating her like a toy and then not cuddling. Of course there are two sides here like above, but I don't see how my side matters really at all. It's counter productive right now. This time she did accept some validation. Then said she was done talking. Let her know I appreciate her honesty. Told me to shut up.
I said I'm going to my office, then I'll be heading out after the township comes today to inspect some things.
BTW and again, can I just point out, for no other reason than I can't believe (proudly) that I didn't say it before: Is she kidding me? Up her a$$? LAST WEEK I found her lying about being at a guys house, this after I found out she had cheated on me.
Wow,
I just read about your situation. I don't have the problems that you are dealing with but I don't think it matters when it comes to DB.
My wife doesn't speak to me at all. She seems happy that I have left her alone and stopped the pursuit. Like you I didn't do much in the way of housework and I also was distant with my kids to some degree. Since BD I have started doing more around the house. There were a lot things that needed to be fixed.
Hang in there. If your situation is anything like mine, its going to be a long road.
Mine's literally all over the map. So her last words to me before were all angry, I left. Now I came back in to let her know that we passed an inspection. She starts joking around. As soon as she got tense I excused myself again. BTW 2 of my 180s were no drinking or smoking, which while quite amazing, may make me insane as I got very little left in terms of stress release.
I am grateful for how friggin nuts some of her statements have been though. It really has made it easier to detach emotionally from her nonsense.
Im sorry to hear how crazy she is acting but I understand how it be easier to detach when they are acting nuts.
How did you stop drinking and smoking at the same time? I want to but Im having a hard time with it. My wife is an alcoholic and there is always booze around. Ive been smoking a lot more than usual. That's awesome that you were able to quit just like that. I am impressed.
OhG
REad up a bit on your sitch .... one thing that would help is to add a Signature like most of us have so we can have a feel of who you are, who she is .. kids, how long you have been married and together.
As far as where you are at. You validating, doing the 180's, STFU and just listening .... well its throwing her way off and confusing her. Along with that, you caught her ... thats not how her A was supposed to go, your W has had this all figured out and you are gettign involved amd making a mess of things. Currently she is wayward, her head is not on straight ... she is on the A-drug and its effects are very addictive.
Do be careful, when you listen and validate (I am not accusing you of this .. but have seen it) .... it has to be sincere, no angst, judgements .. none of that. When she does spew, put on the spew jacket and just listen ... you can gather alot by a storm by just being outside and observing how the clouds are moving, the wind, the smell .... same holds true here, consider it Recon, intel gathering only and you can use this later ... things you can work on, 180, things picked up while she is spewing can become very valuable to you later.
OhGreat, I am really proud of you to hold your composure, that is AMAZING, we know what youre going through and a lot of us have messed up big time during this stage.
Keep doing what your doing, which is what works!
You are throwing her off, you are shifting the dynamics of this situation.
She is all over the place, but that's a good thing for you, the sooner she realizes the better.
I am glad youre not drinking!!! Please don't! It can set you back Months maybe even years!!
GOOD JOB! KEEP POSTING! LET IT OUT HERE!
Sorry it's been a bit, but I've been keeping a lower profile online, concerned with my W snooping. Figured better safe than sorry.
I quit both by quitting both. Inside I know that it is required for DB (well at least the smoking part was). I use gum and just don't drink. I find they are very much intertwined. I feel sooooooo much better. I couldn't be drinking right now and maintain anything like composure either. The big hurdle for smoking was 90 days. It's easier now. Some days I'd do anything for a G&T though.
So, what's been going on? My 180s, I keep revising them and working on them-keeping what works and getting rid of what doesn't. I think that's a big thing. Every stitch is similar but also different IMHO. So my coach suggests that I cultivate the friendship and maintain physical contact when possible and appropriate. What shifted I think is my approach. If I touch with trepidation, then that lack of confidence comes through, if I touch with confidence, she responds well. I notice the same with boundaries. I've been speaking up more confidently and I've used some truth darts when necessary, but I don't carry the grudge. If it's on the phone I come home happy and like someone who said what they had to say and that's that, let's eat. Same thing face to face. A lot of validation too. Being right and winning an argument is so overrated. Some times I feel like breaking something, or throwing her out so I talk to friends or drive or get coffee or shop or whatever.
Is she lying still? I dunno. She isn't acting like she was when she was in A for certain and she has been a lot more respectful of me. Showing gratitude, saying thanks, defending me to my kids, not making jokes (as often) and reaching out a lot more. Still no intimacy though and she does get depressed and angry but she is looking (I think) for me to help pull her out of it sometimes. The other day she didn't want to get out of bed, but I was taking my daughter somewhere, suggested she might wanna come. She did, had fun and thanked me for my help. She's also been asking me if she can do things for me or if I need anything, and I let her help me b/c that's how she shows love, but I really don't need her to. She's also been constructively criticizing me sometimes "I don't like when you set the table that way, I prefer it this way" type of stuff and I try to listen. That's all I can think of writing right now. I know it focused on W and R but I gotta get that out somewhere. Sometimes just being awesome and very very handsome isn't enough to lift my spirits.
Sounds like you have your head right. That dictates everything.Keep up the good work, listen to the vets,answer their questions.
Best if luck
Unbelievable job quitting drinking and smoking! I quit smoking in January, but as soon as I kicked him out, I used that as an excuse to smoke again. I allowed myself a month of ciggs and just quit them again a week ago. So I understand how crazy it can make you, and you calmness through the stress is amazing.
It's funny, my 180 is to grab a few beers now and then. Yours is to walk away from beer. You will hear most wise people on this board stress staying away from alcohol, so they will definitely help you if you feel the need.
I think you are doing a great job. I would suggest you stop trying to figure out what she is thinking or why she is saying something. It will only drive you batty.
I agree. I don't really try, I just vent here. I allow myself to do that. Especially with no smoking I need an outlet, I got a bad enough temper without carrying that around too. Also, we are supposed to do 180s but keep what works and discard what doesn't. So unless we do pay a certain amount of attention to it, are we actually doing it as prescribed? That's the challenge. Detach? I can do that so fast and so hard, I'd be gone like the road runner. Seriously. The hard part is the semi detached semi attached fine line we walk-maintaining the ability to intellectually evaluate progress/status, dispassionately.
Journaling.
I'm soooooo tired of the emo hs girl BS at this point. When this passive aggressive cr@p starts I go out. I went for a drive for an hr, came home got the "where were you?" with attitude. I smile. Coffee I said, go to my office.
Now usually when I'm pissed I scream at the top of my lungs in my car. Pretty cathartic and better than hitting someone, but I forgot to. So, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
That is all, thanks.
How are you doing OG? any more screaming today ?
You know, my coach says I'm making progress, so I'll focus on that. In bed, I notice, she's sleeping much closer to me, like on my side. Almost cuddling. She's contacting me more and more throughout the day when I am out or she is out. She is defending me to the kids when they are disrespectful and has been a lot more appreciative, respectful as well. She's also been complimenting me a lot more and staring at me. Not angrily but like shes just noticed me. There are other things, but there are other things that get me agitated too. On a scale of 1-10 our "intimacy" is like a 2. That's big for me. I really find it tough to trust the good things, but then I also remember that she is not anything like she was to me during the time I know she was actively having a PA. That was horrible. The knowing but not knowing. Ya know?
In the meantime I try to keep working on me. I'm really proud of what I've done personally. I'm proud of the way I act at home and out of the home. I've reconnected with friends and I talk and smile wherever I go. I think my W gets jealous when other women smile back btw. I am very grateful that I feel so much better in my skin right now. I think my confidence comes through at home, at work, wherever. So no, no screaming today, but my car is ready if it's necessary.
How are you? Any luck with the home improvements?
Ok, any tips. So the lovely ww has been acting better. Today not so much. She leaves house then calls as I'm meeting w friends (I didn't tell her) just to say how unhappy everyone in her life makes her. That she wants to run away and leave kids w me. She's weeping. I validate, but tell her it's ok to move out but to let me know if she's serious bc I got stuff to take care of. She said no. I thanked her for talking then said bye. My question-should I go all sandy on her take away access to my $ and toss her out when she gets home or ignore her bs or something in between? I'm cool throwing her crap out but that's me.
Hello OG!
Wow, you might be annoyed by me, but I just feel like I have totally been mentally where your wife is. I have never had an affair, but your post said that your intimacy was about a level 2. And you said that was not OK with you. As I was reading it, I agreed that my own intimacy at the end was near a 2. The reason was my hands were so full with the kids and the house, and my job and everything else that I was exhausted and never in the mood.
Mostly I was exhausted because I just felt that no one else was helping with the small things, like making sure the crust was cut from the sandwiches. I know that sounds insane, but when I felt I was the only one who cared about the small things, it felt like the world was on my shoulders, because there was an awful lot of small things.
To make matters even more insane, I remember my H approaching me at these times, clearly in the mood and me thinking, "Are you crazy, I just had to cut the crusts off, how can I possibly be in the mood!?" At the time, my feelings felt valid. I had to do everything, how can you (my H) demand even more?
I don't know if your W feels that way at all, and this may not apply to you in the slightest, but I only brought it up because your next post really, really sounded like me! In the past 2 months especially, but for years I just felt if the kids would just live with H all of them would learn to appreciate what I felt they take for granted. I have said to him a few times since he moved out that I was just going to leave the kids with him.
I dont know what your W needs or what you should do, I just know when I feel like your W felt,you did exactly what I wished he would have done, just listened (and really heard) how overwhelmed I was. I also wished more than anything that H would just do ANYTHING without me having to tell him exactly what to do and how to do it. Because if I had to give him instructions, then I might as well just do it myself.
I dont mean for a second to compare you to my H. You are here, which in my book means you tower miles above most men I know. I was more comparing myself to your wife and maybe she might feel the way I did because she said the same things I have said. In my case, what you did by listening would have been marvelous!
I could never be annoyed by you. And I think you're right. She does yell now that I do too much, but I've explained, it's got nothing to do with her but really about me being independent. That probably pisses her off too but oh well. Maybe patience. I did get pissed though when she showed up and gave me attitude so I validated. She said to leave her alone. I won't be spoken to like that especially from an emo adolescent. I told her if she wants space, say it, but don't be disrespectful. I then got dinner. Not running off or tossing her out is very challenging sometimes.
I think she can see disgust on my face sometimes though. I need to get a phantom mask maybe. Or wear a hood.
Morning OG!
Just wondering if you are smiling from confidence today or if you found a mask? That crazy creature really can test your smile sometimes, lol.
Remember the positives when she is in a childish mood. No one walks a straight line. So it is normal for you to see some positives with her, and then a bunch of negatives. It is life I suppose.
You seem like you are well on track with your goals, well done! Keep smiling.
You know Mona, you made me smile just now. I am feeling ok, and fairly upbeat but my anger sometimes, ooof. I would rather have that though then feeling something else. I guess that's how they feel too sometimes.
How's it going with you today? Feeling good? Any progress with any DIY stuff?
Ugh, my DIY skills are seriously lacking. I just do not have the motivation. How are you, I have not heard from you in a bit?
I'm here, only around sporadically. Not sure what's going on in M. Kind of indifferent. I think she's testing me in some areas (I don't like being specific so it's tough to discuss).
The other day though she snapped. She told me something that should've made me crazy as it was really disrespectful and insulting but I calmly said she cannot tell me what I feel and that she can't be disrespectful. Then she started with her justifications again of A, so I truth darted some things, validated others and moved on. Then the next day she goes for the kill. I try to walk, she follows and spews. I validate and she starts swinging at me, literally. Her 115 lbs didn't do much but it was crazy. Says I'm being mean to her because I won't scream back (this was after she said im very affected by her) I then get to hear how she really preferred the old og to the new one (which besides being total bs, is also meaningless).
I really have become almost indifferent. I really am tempted to just find some other girl, move on, join the french foreign legion whatever. I figure I can always do those things later, so I buy another day.
My gal is good, new friends, health kick. I guess I'm torn between the progress I've seen and taking a harder line. Taking a harder line is very easy for me, so I do wonder if my leaning in that direction is merely confirmation bias.
Can you try an experiment to see how it works?
Go out of your way to do something nice for her. Not romantic, like I do not mean buy roses. But something nice, like something only you would know.
Dont say anything, just do it and forget it.
The only reason I suggest this is because in all her spewing she says things like were mean. I dont think you are mean, and a small act goes a long way. Nothing big, nothing romantic.