Intro Story - 07/30/15 04:46 PM
Here's my story:
Two months ago I found out that my wife is having an affair. We have been together for 14 years.
The night before I found out we briefly talked about splitting up. We have both been unhappy for awhile. Her father passed away about a year ago (they were very close) and her mom slipped into a major depression. On top of all that she couldn't find work (and was not looking) and is currently struggling with identity issues. She is not feeling like an adult. That's part of her counseling homework. To be more assertive with clearer boundaries and to support herself. The counselor was clear that she did not want my wife running back to me for me to take care of her for things like her car, jobs, money, etc. Of course my instinct is to help her.
The next night she goes off to class and while she's away from the house I uncover a photo of her kissing some guy. I confront her about it when she gets home. The entire exchange lasts about 10 minutes and she leaves. We don't talk for about 3-4 days. Then I get a text from her telling me that she is ok, that she's staying at a friends house and that we will talk soon. She comes home. She tells me that we've been growing apart. That she loves me but she's not in love with me anymore. That I am not emotionally available. We talk for hours. She ends up spending the night.
While she was gone for a few days she was trying to find a place to live. It's clear that she has it in her mind to physically separate. I try to convince her not to go (breaking all the rules) and she decides to go anyways. She starts packing her stuff. It's all super emotional for both of us. During this time we are both a wreck. Tears everyday, her spending the night, us sleeping in the same bed cuddling and breaking down together. By the end of the week on her last night she decides to talk to a marriage counselor. She leaves some of her high value things in the house but moves out. We agree on no contact for a week to reflect on our relationship and go to individual counseling sessions. She recently told me during this time she hung out with the affair partner because she was lonely and depressed. I didn't lose it. I simply said "Thank you for not lying to me. I really appreciate it. Honesty means the world to me. It hurts my feelings to know that you are still spending time with the affair partner but you have asked for space while you are figuring things out and I want to respect that. On a go forward basis if we move forward with our relationship I would hope that you would be able to break contact for good with the affair partner". She was surprised for sure. She brought it up in counseling.
Anyways, at the end of the week I tell her that not talking is to much of an emotional roller coaster for me and I suggest for her to come back to the house while I'm away and move the rest of her stuff out. I asked her to leave the house and leave the house key on the counter. I suggested no contact ever because I need to move on with my life and heal. This was all over the phone. She told me that she wanted to talk about it and I tried to refuse but she forced her way back into the house and we had a huge breakdown again. She ended up staying the night again. And we agreed to go to a marriage counselor again but this time together.
Fast forward a month and here we are. We're somewhat dating. We're still going to counseling. She is living on her own. We have spent the night together a few times. When she is home she is very protective over the house, our dog, etc. Her and I have had in depth conversations about our relationship, our counseling homework, and the progress we both have been making as a couple and individually.
Sounds like progress right?! Nope. She is still seeing the other guy!
Now before all of this went down I never read any book on relationships. I have now read Divorce Remedy. In the beginning I made all of the classic mistakes. I've since pulled back a bit. But with her our challenge was we were not close the last year. Hanging out an talking has made us closer. I'm confused as to how much I should pull back? If she wants to stay I let her. If she wants to talk I talk to her. If she says I love you which she always does first I say it back. But now I feel closer to her. She feels closer to me. We have some genuine communication going on which is actually really nice. But also super frustrating.
I guess my question is should I give up? It seems pointless to go to counseling if she is still active in the affair. When she is with me it's like everything is normal and we connect. And then she leaves and runs to the other guy and breaks it all down. Meanwhile I'm left in our house just getting more and more resentful about the situation. I have no idea what her intentions are with me. She has no idea. She is confused. The last time we hung out she told me that she wants our changes to be permanent and that she does not want to fall back into our old ways. She acknowledged that she is working on our relationship. Oh an were also planning on going to California for 7 days alone to reconnect in like three weeks.
I'm thinking about telling her to come get the rest of her stuff. I'm thinking about canceling our next therapy appointment. I'm thinking about telling her that I'm exiting her life for good.
So hear I am. I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm just trying to stay busy. Read what I can. Stay active. I'm getting attention from girls at bars or whatever but I keep shooting everyone down because I'm not ready (because I still love my wife) and I feel guilty like I would be cheating if that makes sense even though my wife is entrenched in an affair. The thought of being with someone else sounds so painful. And for those of you who are wondering I haven't turned to alcohol. When this all went down I made the decision immediately to not drink at all. When I get depressed I run, hike, or climb. Seems like a better lifestyle choice.
Should I give up?
TL;DR Wife of 14 years cheated on me. She moved out. She is attending couples counseling with me. She is "working" on our relationship. She is still seeing the affair partner. She
Two months ago I found out that my wife is having an affair. We have been together for 14 years.
The night before I found out we briefly talked about splitting up. We have both been unhappy for awhile. Her father passed away about a year ago (they were very close) and her mom slipped into a major depression. On top of all that she couldn't find work (and was not looking) and is currently struggling with identity issues. She is not feeling like an adult. That's part of her counseling homework. To be more assertive with clearer boundaries and to support herself. The counselor was clear that she did not want my wife running back to me for me to take care of her for things like her car, jobs, money, etc. Of course my instinct is to help her.
The next night she goes off to class and while she's away from the house I uncover a photo of her kissing some guy. I confront her about it when she gets home. The entire exchange lasts about 10 minutes and she leaves. We don't talk for about 3-4 days. Then I get a text from her telling me that she is ok, that she's staying at a friends house and that we will talk soon. She comes home. She tells me that we've been growing apart. That she loves me but she's not in love with me anymore. That I am not emotionally available. We talk for hours. She ends up spending the night.
While she was gone for a few days she was trying to find a place to live. It's clear that she has it in her mind to physically separate. I try to convince her not to go (breaking all the rules) and she decides to go anyways. She starts packing her stuff. It's all super emotional for both of us. During this time we are both a wreck. Tears everyday, her spending the night, us sleeping in the same bed cuddling and breaking down together. By the end of the week on her last night she decides to talk to a marriage counselor. She leaves some of her high value things in the house but moves out. We agree on no contact for a week to reflect on our relationship and go to individual counseling sessions. She recently told me during this time she hung out with the affair partner because she was lonely and depressed. I didn't lose it. I simply said "Thank you for not lying to me. I really appreciate it. Honesty means the world to me. It hurts my feelings to know that you are still spending time with the affair partner but you have asked for space while you are figuring things out and I want to respect that. On a go forward basis if we move forward with our relationship I would hope that you would be able to break contact for good with the affair partner". She was surprised for sure. She brought it up in counseling.
Anyways, at the end of the week I tell her that not talking is to much of an emotional roller coaster for me and I suggest for her to come back to the house while I'm away and move the rest of her stuff out. I asked her to leave the house and leave the house key on the counter. I suggested no contact ever because I need to move on with my life and heal. This was all over the phone. She told me that she wanted to talk about it and I tried to refuse but she forced her way back into the house and we had a huge breakdown again. She ended up staying the night again. And we agreed to go to a marriage counselor again but this time together.
Fast forward a month and here we are. We're somewhat dating. We're still going to counseling. She is living on her own. We have spent the night together a few times. When she is home she is very protective over the house, our dog, etc. Her and I have had in depth conversations about our relationship, our counseling homework, and the progress we both have been making as a couple and individually.
Sounds like progress right?! Nope. She is still seeing the other guy!
Now before all of this went down I never read any book on relationships. I have now read Divorce Remedy. In the beginning I made all of the classic mistakes. I've since pulled back a bit. But with her our challenge was we were not close the last year. Hanging out an talking has made us closer. I'm confused as to how much I should pull back? If she wants to stay I let her. If she wants to talk I talk to her. If she says I love you which she always does first I say it back. But now I feel closer to her. She feels closer to me. We have some genuine communication going on which is actually really nice. But also super frustrating.
I guess my question is should I give up? It seems pointless to go to counseling if she is still active in the affair. When she is with me it's like everything is normal and we connect. And then she leaves and runs to the other guy and breaks it all down. Meanwhile I'm left in our house just getting more and more resentful about the situation. I have no idea what her intentions are with me. She has no idea. She is confused. The last time we hung out she told me that she wants our changes to be permanent and that she does not want to fall back into our old ways. She acknowledged that she is working on our relationship. Oh an were also planning on going to California for 7 days alone to reconnect in like three weeks.
I'm thinking about telling her to come get the rest of her stuff. I'm thinking about canceling our next therapy appointment. I'm thinking about telling her that I'm exiting her life for good.
So hear I am. I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm just trying to stay busy. Read what I can. Stay active. I'm getting attention from girls at bars or whatever but I keep shooting everyone down because I'm not ready (because I still love my wife) and I feel guilty like I would be cheating if that makes sense even though my wife is entrenched in an affair. The thought of being with someone else sounds so painful. And for those of you who are wondering I haven't turned to alcohol. When this all went down I made the decision immediately to not drink at all. When I get depressed I run, hike, or climb. Seems like a better lifestyle choice.
Should I give up?
TL;DR Wife of 14 years cheated on me. She moved out. She is attending couples counseling with me. She is "working" on our relationship. She is still seeing the affair partner. She