Ok. This is going to be long everyone so I'll do it in a readable and timeline type fashion.
Last Week:
I had been way backed off and light and breezy. No R talk for several weeks. Wife had started showing signs of positive movement.
She informed me of a trip she had planned to take the kids to see her mom and dad from last Thursday to this Tuesday. So last Monday, I spent $300 to get some brake work done on her vehicle so it was safe for the trip.
She asked me to take care of the dog and cats at our house while she was away. We agreed upon me staying at our house while they were on the trip because with my work schedule it would be easiest.
They leave for the trip on Thursday. We have some positive and light text message exchanges on Friday and Saturday and Sunday.
I had a suspicion, that turned out to be wrong, that her "friend" may have gone with them on the trip. He lives right by where I work. So I did (probably not a good idea) drive by his house on Sunday morning and evening to see if his car was there. Apparently he got a new car because I didn't see his truck but here is what happened:
Monday
I call wife in the evening just to see what time they will be coming home on Tuesday. She is very cold, distant, alot of "uh huh's" and one word answers on the phone. I ask if something is wrong. She says no. I press a little bit and then it comes out:
"Why did you drive by "friends" house on Sunday morning and night. He saw you and says if you drive by his house again he will call the police".
I'm not sure what to say at this point. She presses and asks if I am going to answer her. I calmly say that if she wishes to have an open an honest conversation about Mr. "Friend" that we can do so but it would have to be a two way conversation.
She presses for me to answer. I tell her that the reason I drove by was to see if his car was there because I wanted to know if he had gone on the trip with them.
I then confront her about some of the half truths and lies she has been telling me about him. All the time they spend together with our kids etc.
She ends up saying that "It doesn't matter because I filed for divorce before I left. It has nothing to do with "friend". There is nothing going on there. I don't like you. I'm not attracted to you. I don't love you. I don't want to be married to you any more".
This conversation carries on for a bit in this fashion. I switch gears and ask if she is going through with the divorce what does she think that looks like. She says pretty much the same as it looks now. Says her lawyer has an agreement that I will be receiving and I can choose to sign it or not. If I don't agree on certain points she will "make it ugly". I ask what she means.
She says that the agreement states that she wants joint legal custody but that the kids will live with her (full custodial custody). She wants $350 per week in child support (which is about half of what I make) but is "asking for no alimony". That I can see the kids whenever I want but when I ask her if she plans on getting a job she says "of course. I can't live on $1400 per month (which is what she will be expecting me to live on) and says she will work at night when I am with the kids".
So I say that she is expecting to take half of my earnings, continue to be a full time stay at home mom and when she says I can see the kids whenever I want that really means to babysit them while she only works a part time job".
Now I have a lawyer and have been educated on how all of this will work and that is NOT what things will look like. So I challenge her on it. This is where she goes into specifics at to what she will "get ugly on".
She says that if I don't agree to the $350 per week in child support and try to go for 50/50 legal and physical custody that she will bring up the following that attacks my family members (people who have treated her like nothing but a daughter and sister even through all of this):
-She will disclose that I live with my parents in a home that is being foreclosed upon and that I live with a registered sex offender (my brother who got in trouble when he was 23 with a 17 year old - not a child molester)
-That she will use my "extensive mental illness history (meaning the depression I went through. I am not mentally ill).
-That the home we live in (which is my sister's) is set to go into foreclosure.
-That I am 95% finished with my Master's Degree but can't find a good job.
At this point I am beside myself. I can't believe what I just heard. The conversation continues for a bit and it ends. My mother was kind enough to drive over to my house and spend some time with me. I disclose to her what was said and it brought my mother to tears.
Tuesday:
I hardly sleep Monday night. Make sure I leave my house before her and the kids get home from their trip and go back to my parents.
Talk to my Lawyer. Disclose to my family the things my Wife said. My sister, who has always been neutral, becomes livid that my wife would stoop so low as to throw mud onto people who have loved her for almost 15 years: especially my parents.
Tuesday evening I have a phone conversation with my Wife. I admit that I did try to convince her not to do this. To give ourselves a chance before making such a life altering decision. This was fruitless as I knew it would be.
So we switch the conversation to the divorce agreement. She tries to play it like she doesn't want to screw me over. I make it clear that she is. When I bring up all of the things she said about my family she actually says that "I never said anything about your parents or your sister. Only your brother".
When I repeat back to her word for word what she had said she would use to play dirty she said "the foreclosures have nothing to do with your parents and sister personally". My response: "Are you serious?"
They are clearly personal attacks and for her to not see it that way is beyond comprehension. And my parents and sister most certainly took them as personal attacks.
The conversation ends.
Wednesday:
As predicted by me, she texts me to see if I want to spend the afternoon with the kids from 3-8, during which time my son had a swim lesson. I knew this text was coming because on her calendar in the house she had her "girls night" scheduled.
At this point I am still very much upset and don't want my kids to see me this way. I call her and explain that I am trying to protect them from this and would rather not. I also ask her if she had plans. She says that her plans were cancelled but that all of her friend's were going to a fair. We hang up.
A few hours pass and I am feeling a little more composed so I decide I want to take my son to his lesson. I call her about and hour and a half before his lesson to tell her that I was feeling better and wanted to take him. Her immediate reaction is "Just him and not D2?" "You haven't seen them in a week"
I say that I know I haven't seen them in a week but that is because she took them away, which is fine, but I figured I could take my son to his lesson and spend some quality father son time. If she wanted me to take our daughter as well than I would and would bring them back home afterward.
She is upset throughout the entire conversation. I ask "what is the problem? This is not a big deal"
She rants about how I said I didn't want to see them and now I am calling and saying I do and how it is "confusing" to her.
I say that I did not say I didn't want to see them and that the context matters. I had said that I was very emotional earlier in the day and didn't want them to see me like that.
She says fine. Son will be ready at 5 and just hangs up.
I go to pick up son. Daughter decides she wants to stay home with mom so that took care of the bringing them both "issue".
Before lesson son tells me how they say mom's "friend" before they had left for their camping trip and that he would be going with them next time for mom's birthday. I let it slide.
Son has great lesson. I drive him home. When we get home, son asks me before we get into the house if I can stay until he goes to bed. I tell him "you have to ask mom."
We get inside and son asks if dad can stay. She says no. He presses. She says no. He presses again. She says "fine, dad can make you dinner". I ask her if there are any bills that need to be paid. She says yes. I ask her to give them to me and I'll take care of them. She shows them to me and says they are in her name and would prefer to pay them herself so she knows they will get paid and gets pissed. She storms off upstairs.
Wife comes storming back downstairs and says to me very rudely "you can stay until 7 and then I want you to leave". Then she storms into the laundry room. I follow her and tell her that I'm not going to stay and that it is fine. She storms away from me and goes back upstairs.
I had no intention of staying so as not to not create turmoil. I tell my son I can't stay and call my daughter from upstairs to say hi and bye.
I call to my wife and ask her to come to the stairs so I can tell her about son's upcoming swim schedule. After that I say "so I'll call you tomorrow and we can talk?" (because the night prior we had agreed to talk about the possibility of trying. Or at least that is what I thought. Stupid me).
She storms back upstairs and says "No, I am not interested in talking to you".
So now I'm like "wait a minute". I go upstairs and into the bedroom. Mind you I am calm the entire time. I say to her that I thought we were going to talk tomorrow and what has changed? She begins a rant, so I close the bedroom door so the kids don't see and hear.
She starts going off about how "Daddy ignores us for 3 years (an angry reference to my depression) and now he is Mr. Fun". I say "maybe I am actually not depressed any more, as I have been telling you for months now and I'm just being myself".
Then she says "son kept asking for you to stay and even though I said no you sat there with your thumb up your a$$ and said nothing so I have to be the bad guy again". So I throw truth darts at her and say "wait a minute. For nine months every single time, and it has been always, when the kids have asked for me to stay or to go and do something with you guys I have ALWAYS told them I can't our of respect for you. So that is an untrue statement".
Then she goes off on me and says "why are you cutting me off financially". I say "what are you talking about?" She says "why are you now suddenly asking to take the bills and pay them yourself like I am incapable of paying them". I tell her that I never have and am not now cutting her off financially but that if she is deciding she wants a divorce than there are some things that are going to give and change. That I am no longer going to just come and give her every dime I make. That I will ensure the bills are paid, as I always have, but that I need to start thinking about the future for the kids and myself. I tell her that we need to sit down and discuss a budget. That the small amount (about $100 per week) that she makes from babysitting our niece needs to start going into the pot to help pay bills. She argues that "it always has". Which I personally do not believe.
She then starts ranting and telling me to leave. Then she says to me "what did you say to your sister? She won't talk to me". I tell her that I simply informed my family members of the threats she had made about "playing ugly" that involved them. She goes off and says that what she said had nothing to do with them (which is ridiculous) and says "thank you for destroying my friendship with your sister".
Now the conversation moves downstairs and the kids are witnessing all of this. I tell her that I did no such thing as "destroy her friendship with my sister" and that my family members deserved to know what was said about them and they do take it personally. That I have never once badmouthed her to anyone during any of this and my family has treated her with nothing but love even throughout all of this.
I threw more truth darts at her and told her that this is typical of her. She does something that has consequences and then turns it around and blames it on me. I told her that anyone who is close to our situation that I have spoken to about it that I have ALWAYS told the full story which includes MY OWN ROLE IN IT. My depression. My withdrawal. My brief slip up with another woman. Because I OWN IT and am accountable for it.
I then tell her that she, on the other hand, takes no responsibility for anything. I tell her how I have been shunned by her friends who have known me for almost 15 years. How her mother ignored me the last time I saw her etc. I said that obviously she has shared one side of the story with these people because the perception they have is that BEC caused all of this.
Then she gets really mad. "get out. get out." I'm trying to keep calm. To keep her calm. She finally says "fine if you aren't leaving I will" and starts to gather up the kids' things. I say "wait a minute. I'm leaving. I had no intention of staying. What are you going to do? Just uproot the children? Well that is not right for them. And I am not going to do that to them." I told her that she knows that I am a nice guy and I would never do that to them. And that in my opinion she has taken advantage of me being a nice guy.
She angrily says "get out". At this point we are at the front door. I go to leave and my son and daughter (they are little: S6 and D2) are right there and are visibly upset. The go to go after me. "Dad wait" etc. I hug them and walk outside. My son goes to go after me again. At this point I am on the porch and he is inside the storm door. My wife grabs his arm and pulls him inside. I say to her through the storm door "don't you do that to him".
She slams the main door and locks it.
I start to leave and then go back. Not to speak to her but to say a proper goodbye to the children. I go to the window and ask my son to tell mom to open the door, not for me to speak to her but so I could say goodbye to him and his sister.
She opens the door and is standing there staring at me as if I am Lucifer. My wonderful little people hug me. I can see the upset expressions on their faces. On the verge of tears. I tell them that it's ok and that I love them very much.
It was the type of hug where I had both of them. D2 on my left and S6 on my right. It was a very long hug. As if they did not want to let go.
Thursday
Wife texts me to see, again. if I want the kids from 3-8. This has been her typical pattern during the sep. I come watch the kids and she goes out and has her social life. I'm done with that.
I call her. We talk about that. She makes a huge deal blah blah blah.
I tell her that things need to change. That I want to see the kids everyday but it needs to be on my terms too. Not so she can go do her thing. I'm done providing her the time and funds for that.
Then we get into us talk and I was told the most hurtful things I have ever been told.
I've shared in the past here how my W was sexually abused as a child and how emotional and physical intimacy have always been an issue.
Well today, I was told by her that she recently figured out that:
-She had come to terms with what had happened to her a long time ago and it was me who made it into an issue. That she wasn't a fragile bird that needed saving.
-That she had never had panic attacks during sex with anyone else. Only with me.
-That all those times she said she didn't like sex. It was that she didn't like it with me.
-That we never should have gotten married. We were too young.
-That she never felt a spark for me and that is why she had sexual and emotional closeness issues with me. Not because of her childhood experiences.
-That she is ONLY closed off to me.
Of course she never said any of these things to me EVER 8 or 10 or 12 years ago. She just "figured all of this out recently".
So that has been my week so far. I'm ready for the expert analysis from the peanut gallery