Hi everyone I have been reading posts on here for about 3 weeks. I have read DR and have spoken to a coach 2x now.
I have started applying the principles and need help staying the course. First I guess I should tell you my story........
I met my wife Oct 2010 and we got married Oct 2012...Fairytale romance. FYI we are a lesbian couple.
She was the perfect partner, treated me like a queen.
We were perfect together and so happy.
There really had only been one reoccurring problem, me wearing my ring and being out at work.
It was hard for me since I work in the medical field and did not want to be judged by my patients.
I was hoping she would eventually understand that, but she never did.
That it was not about her, not loving her, or claiming her(not being claimed was something she told me after this all started, I guess she has felt that way in past relationships).
Everytime we would argue it was about this, so like every 6 months.
I guess I just kept hoping she would understand. We never really would come out with a solution.
She compromised and said wear it on the weekends. To me the situation was or shouldn't be a big deal because I showed her how much I loved her everyday.
To me a ring is just a symbol.
In Oct 2013 I took her to a halloween party my co-worker threw ( I told her and showed her wedding pics etc), but my other co-workers didn't know.
I didn't mean to ambush her when we got there, but I told her that they didn't know yet so I would introduce her as my friend.
She got really upset and it took awhile for us to move past that. She said not to put her in this situations anymore.
After that we resumed life and were happy.
She told me that she wasn't happy around june 2014, I was crushed. I couldn't understand why she wasn't happy.
She listed some things I could do to improve this (make her tea at night, not spend as much money) At the time I was dealing with an injury and I got a little depressed because I have always worked out and been really active so I was buying things (shoes etc) not big expensive items.
Things went back to normal... Later on I realized that should would burying her feelings because she did not want to upset me, so she slowly built resentment.
I realize now I was unapproachable because I would get upset and cry (one of things I have worked on) Communication was one of the biggest downfalls for us.
Then end of March 2015 we did a 5k with my work, I had told everyone at work except my boss.
We were driving and she asked if she was my friend or wife today. This was the straw that broke the camels back according to her. At first the fight was the same as the others in the past.
I thought things were going to be ok, but then it was like something flipped in her.
That same week I did everything to fix the problem.
I told my boss and wore my ring to work, but it still didn't help. She got worse and worse.
We went to couples therapy right away, but the first lady was horrible and basically chose my wifes side.
It was at that time I also went IC.
My wife was inconsistent with going to couples counseling (cx because of work etc). She would stay away as much as possible from our house and me (staying for work dinners, dinner with friends etc).
The end of April I also found out she was talking to someone.
I overheard her talking late at night.
(I moved into the guest room by this time) I checked the phone records and she talked to this person at all times, late at night, during the day for hours.
I figured out it was someone she had met at her new job a month ago.
I was devastated, because everything pointed to her cheating on me. I confronted her and she said it was a friend that was straight that was going through a divorce. She has denied any affair, emotional or physical up to this point. I want to believe this, but it hard.
I have chosen to believe her because it doesn't really matter at this point.
I know she still texts, but she separated our cell counts mid may.
We went to a few sessions with the new couples therapist and one day she says she wants a divorce.
I felt like my life was over....
I beg, pleaded, everything your not supposed to do.
It was like I didn't know this person, it was someone completely different.
I felt there was nothing I could do.
I took down all of our pics in our house (beautiful wedding pics). She left me a note wanting to talk in the morning.
In the AM I told there wasn't much to talk about other than logistics (selling house, splitting dogs).
She asked where the pictures were and I asked why did it matter, she said because they were her pics too.
I told her I didn't want this divorce (balling by this point) and that she could file the paperwork if thats what she wanted.
She said there was other options and that we would go to therapy and talk about it.
So I will stop here and continue in another post
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
I've learned the hard way that the crying just makes them even more on guard, even if we as the LBH spouse feel very upset. Nowadays if I feel that way I just leave the situation completely. Gotta go. bye talk to you later type of thing.
Continuing my long story......
So we continued to go to couples therapy the last half of may and first half of june.
The therapist would tell me how much I had grown in just a few weeks.
Sessions were unproductive because it was just rehashing the past, we weren't moving forward.
This was because of my W.
She couldn't move past her anger and forgive me.
Couples therapist had suggest she see an IC, but she never went. Half way through June 2015 she said she did want to go to therapy anymore because it wasn't helping and it gave her anxiety.
Let me give you some background...My W has really bad anxiety and probably should be on meds.
I did not know the extent of her anxiety until recently.
She was able to hide it very well.
I feel like it controls her now.
She also had a rough childhood and was in a few relationships where she was mentally/emotionally abused. Anyways instead of going to therapy she wanted to just be "normal".
Again I was heartbroken because if we didn't talk about our relationship how was it going to get better?
So of course I was doing all the wrong things (all of them listed in DR).
I was having a hard time detaching and realizing this was not the same person I married. I was in disbelief. I wanted to understand.
So the things I was doing was pushing her away.
End of june she told me she didn't have it in her to try anymore and that she had been trying for the last yr.
It would have been nice if I had known that.
She said she wasn't happy.
I told her that I love her and that we are worth saving, blah blah blah.
All the things you are not supposed to do and say.
As a last resort I suggested that she take the month of july and see a therapist.
I did not tell her that I thought I was not the sole cause of her unhappiness.
I have learned through this process that a person doesn't make you happy, you make yourself happy and that person just makes your life that much better.
I think she has a lot of issues she has to work through like letting go of anger and learning to forgive.
I am hoping that this will help us.
She has been going every week, the first 2 weeks she went twice a week.
Last week it seemed like she had a rough session.
I started the DB 3 weeks ago. I started to see results pretty quickly. I stopped asking questions about what her plans were etc, physical touch, crying in front of her.
I try to always be positive and cheerful when Im around her. We go to the gym in the AM four days a week and she started to smile at me and talk more etc when we interact.
She also complimented me on my body.
2 Saturdays ago she came into my room ( I hate saying that) at 630 AM and said she had a bad dream and if she could come in bed with me.
We cuddled and slept for 3 more hours.
I have been trying to GAL and not wait around for her. Typically she leaves Saturdays and goes and does whatever she wants, sometimes she stays the night(says she gets a hotel) or comes back late.
She hasn't been staying the night as much as she was. She is also starting to be home more.
Anyways 2 weekends ago she came home on Sunday(typically we hang out, she is usually in a bad mood) I was not there, trying to show her I am GAL.
When I came she was asking what I was doing.
I was just brief and didn't give her details.
I told her I picked up our contacts and I would have to give her money when I was paid this week (she separated our money the end of April, killed me made me feel like I was after her money.)
I barely get by because we split all the bills/mortgage. Last month and half she always trys to pay for things, first month she didn't care.
She said not to worry about paying for the contacts, I told her no that I could do it and I didn't want her to think I was using her for her money.
She spoke to me like she used to and said "honey its ok don't worry about" as she was saying this stroked my face and hugged me.
First time in a long that she intiated physical touch. Rest of day was good and felt more like us.
My twin lives with us ( i will elaborate in a later post about that), we have the same phone and my wife saw a text from a girl, she thought it was my phone!!!
She later asked me what girl was texting me all jealous like. I told her that wasn't my phone.
Anyways a little more to the story, but I will post again later.
Please hit carriage return after every period,
you must be posting from your phone.
This is hard to read
Hi cadet
I am not posting from my phone. I'm not sure what I am doing wrong. What is a carriage return?
Hi cadet
I am not posting from my phone. I'm not sure what I am doing wrong. What is a carriage return?
It is also known as the Enter key and puts spaces into your post so they are not one big block of type that is nearly impossible to read.
I have edited both your posts to make them more readable.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
PT,
I am sorry that you're here for really lousy reasons. We are an incredible supportive community with like-minded people who want to support their marriages.
I am a gay woman. There are several other gay women posters around various forums in DBland.
HeavyD (Newcomers)
DifRent (Newcomers)
WMB (Newcomers)
Jer (MLC--rarely posts)
Keep coming here...to get more traffic back to your thread, you would want to post in other threads that resonates with you. Virtual friendships are made here and they're a wonderful bunch of people.
Thank you wonka, I have read a lot of your posts and have already learned a lot. I still have more to post here and I am going to start posting in other forum.
continuing on....
2 mondays ago I asked my W if she was coming with me to San Fran to do the spartan race, she said no she was going to stay here (I had reminded her a few times over the last few months). I knew before I asked that she was going to say no, but it didn't make it hurt any less. She asked if I was going by myself and I said yes. I thought it was important for me to go no matter what. I told her it was ok and that I understood. I left the room after that. The next morning she told me she didn't want me to be upset and I told her the same thing. I was trying to be strong and show her I was moving on and I could do it without her. She text me later in the morning and and said please don't be upset, I feel bad I never want to hurt you. I told her I wasn't upset and understood why she couldn't come.
She then text me again later in the day. I have not been imitating texts for at least 3 months (out of 4). She doesn't usually text, some weeks she has some not. It just doesn't make sense to me. Anyways She asked how I was etc and then got irritated when I didn't answer right away. She even called me honey. I just don't get the on/off.
That night she of course stayed later. I went to put the dogs in the MDR and said good night and she was like hey how was your day. Usually she doesn't linger. I said good and asked her how hers was. I again said night and she was like fine I was trying to talk to u. I said ok and then she came up to me and gave me an intimate hug. (????) So random. Wed night she was in a down mood, she said she had a hard therapy session and I just left her alone.
I was hoping that she was gonna changed her mind and come with me but she never did. I left early friday morning and she called me to see how I was doing. She also wanted me to text her when I got there so I did. She text me again at like 10 at night checking to make sure I was ok. I had fallen asleep and didn't get her text till the morning. She told me good luck in the AM.
I cried before the race. It was so hard to be there without her, we had done all the races together. She always motivated me and it was so hard.
I get back later that night and my sister was having a friend stay the night and she was gonna sleep on the couch. My wife told me she should be sleeping in the guest room and I told her umm where would I sleep? She said in our room. I was confused. It was awkward, I could just feel she didn't want me in there.
The next day she was in a bad mood (usually she is on sundays cuz thats when she is home with me) I asked if she was ok and she said she was fine, but that today was the anniversary of her friends death. Over the years she had mentioned it and she was a little sad, but it never affected her like this. They were not good friends, more just acquaintances/coworkers, he gave her her first job in her career. Im confused how someone could have that affect one her now? She shut me down right away and told me she did not want to talk about it.
Even after how badly she has treated me, I still want to make things better for her and take her pain away. It killed me when she wouldn't talk to me about it.
Last week I felt as if I had failed. No small steps like the previous 2 weeks. Back to being distant and cold. I DONT UNDERSTAND. More things to say, but Im falling asleep
Feeling pretty low and down today. I don't know if my wife will ever be able to be the same person I fell and love with and have been with the last 4 yrs.
Any advice with doing LRT and living in the same house?
PT,
You cannot help W. She needs to figure out her own chit and let her be. You've got to stop asking how she's doing and offering to 'help' her.
Right now, you need to treat her like a roommate. Get out of the house and GAL more often.
I do not see any mention of a OW. Is your W in constant contact with someone? Most of the time there's a OW/OM in the picture. Not always.
Are you saying that you all three live in a two-bedroom place, correct? Which means that your twin has her own bedroom and you have the MBR. Where does that leave W?
Trying to get a better picture of your living arrangements here.
Wonka,
The end of April I found out she was talking to someone.
I overheard her talking late at night.(I moved into the guest room by this time) I checked the phone records and she talked to this person at all times, late at night, during the day for hours. I figured out it was someone she had met at her new job a month ago.
I was devastated, because everything pointed to her cheating on me. I confronted her and she said it was a friend that was straight that was going through a divorce. She has denied any affair, emotional or physical up to this point. She told that she couldn't even think of being with someone else with what was going on. I want to believe this, but it hard. I have chosen to believe her because it doesn't really matter at this point. I know she still texts, but she separated our cell accounts the end of may. I'm pretty sure she still talks to her. She is constantly on her phone and does not let it out of sight. Also changed passcodes. she said it freaked her out that I looked at the phone records
We own a 4 bedroom house together and my sister moved in a yr ago. I went into the guest room a few weeks after this started in April. She is in the MBR. I tried early on to come back in our room because I took some advice from family members, that didnt go so well.
Having my sister here has made things hard because they have also became best friends over the last few yrs. This has really complicated things
I am having a hard time detaching, but have been trying really hard to GAL. I care so much and love her so much that Im having a hard time not caring even after everything she has done and how she has treated me. I'm trying to treat her like a roomate, but because I am a person that has never been able to hide my emotions it has been hard. Some days I do better than others. She knows me so well that even when I think i am doing a good job hiding my feels she knows that something is wrong. I wish I was a better actor
Hi PT
I just wanted to stop by and say Hi and will be glad to offer any support I can. I know this is VERY HARD.
But the board does really help. There are many supportive and kind people here who can guide you to get your self respect back, get your confidence back and how to deal with relaionship situations.
The key is detachment. Try to be polite but distant with her. GAL as much as possible and keep a PMA. Acting is skill you can improve. Keep a PMA around her at all times. When the WAW see's their partner moping around, it is a huge turn off and fuels the fire of "who wants to be around that".
As for your sister and you WAW being best friends. Wow. Have you talked to your sister about this? Are you clear where her loyalties lie? Does she know the situation? Definately complicates things.
I will be in touch.
Heavy
Thanks for stopping by. Yes my sister is also angry and hurt by my wife. She doesn't understand why she couldn't give us a second chance and she has a hard time watching her treat me this way. My sisters advice is exactly what MWD says in her book. But she is still living there and must be cordial. My W is nice to her and does care what she thinks so she goes out of her way for her. This is hard for me to watch
Hey all
I have a question. I have been trying to stop doing nice things for her (doing laundry, doing all the cleaning, laying out meds, cooking, etc) these are things that I did help with before but I should have helped out with more. My coach said it was ok, but I have read on here and from some of my friends that I shouldn't be doing those things anymore. For example she is out of body wash and has had to come ask me to use mine, my first thought is to stop and get some for her. Thoughts?
For example she is out of body wash and has had to come ask me to use mine, my first thought is to stop and get some for her. Thoughts?
Why would you? pretend she is your neighbor, would you buy body wash for your neighbor?
Let her get her own stuff and stop letting her use yours in a nice way.
Hey all
I have a question. I have been trying to stop doing nice things for her (doing laundry, doing all the cleaning, laying out meds, cooking, etc) these are things that I did help with before but I should have helped out with more. My coach said it was ok, but I have read on here and from some of my friends that I shouldn't be doing those things anymore. For example she is out of body wash and has had to come ask me to use mine, my first thought is to stop and get some for her. Thoughts?
PT Just caught up on your sitch ... sorry you are here.
I have seen here n there that a coach's advice may conflict with the typical responses on the board, maybe your coach picked up on something that you shared and have not done so here.
But yeah .. my initial reaction was "Why? she fired you from being her W right?"
Detaching is tricky .. even more so in the same house, that roomate approach is a good one but you did confess you wear your feelings on your sleeve so its going to be pretty tricky for you. I cringed you gave up the MBR, she is having the A not you .. you should have booted her out .. but what is done is done right? My advice ... get so darn busy you just do not have time to do her laundry or all the cleaning ... seems to me she has it made with you taking care of her at home while she gets her rocks off with OW/OM (can not recall if you listed a gender)
Good on you for doing your thing and competing in the Spartan race (You stud you) ... but go back and revisit that ... see how she pursued you when you were GALing?? So .. do more of that stuff right?
Curious here ... if you could put down your stats/sitch on your siggy, I am wondering about the age thing ... and also her reaction to her friends death being a bit more intense this year ... not that there is a MLC in full effect but maybe she is chasing the "what could have beens" due to that a little.
Thanks ILYNOT and caliguy for the reality check.
We have been having good interactions and conversations, but I dont know what that means. If its just fake or her trying to be "normal".
Not sure if she is having A, because she has denied it multiple times. I just assume that she is because things just don't make sense. I guess it is possible that she could be having a MLC.
I am gonna start leaving things for her to do and start planning things to do when she is there on Sundays
hi guys
Its been a tough week. Not seeing any changes, feeling pretty down and hopeless. I'm trying to do everything in the LRT. Pitty party over here today
hi guys
Its been a tough week. Not seeing any changes, feeling pretty down and hopeless. I'm trying to do everything in the LRT. Pitty party over here today
What are you doing GAL wise over the weekend??... .do something new and out of your comfort zone .. even if its just an hour.
I try to do things, but it is so hard. I am trying to time it so I do them when she is going to be home. But I get this pang of pain because I want to be there with her.
She will be gone tonight and I will probably just get dinner and hang out with my sisters. Usually we workout and get something to eat Sat morning and she leaves by 12 for the day. Sometimes she spends the night sometimes not. Usually Sunday was out day to do things together per what the couples therapist said awhile ago. But not sure if there is a point to that anymore. I think I just need to find something to do on Sunday. Its just hard because thats when we wud do cleaning errands etc
Caliguy how did you do it? It looks like your happened over a long period of time.
I try to do things, but it is so hard. I am trying to time it so I do them when she is going to be home. But I get this pang of pain because I want to be there with her.
Ok .. that part ... nope. You GAL regardless of if she is home, away, walking nekkid through the donut shop ... what she does and does not do should never effect what you plan to do on any given day. Its called GAL ... not GAL#aslongasWishome
She will be gone tonight and I will probably just get dinner and hang out with my sisters. Usually we workout and get something to eat Sat morning and she leaves by 12 for the day. Sometimes she spends the night sometimes not. Usually Sunday was out day to do things together per what the couples therapist said awhile ago. But not sure if there is a point to that anymore. I think I just need to find something to do on Sunday. Its just hard because thats when we wud do cleaning errands etc
She fired you ... make an very concerted decision to do something that does not include her .. this is for you .. not for her. Do not tell her what/where/when you are going .. strap on the Nikes and JUST DO IT. Don't even be cold about it ... be happy with a bounce in your step ... be the fun girl .. just go GAL .... I would suggest something out of your comfort zone ... heck one time I went to a block party, I knew NO ONE but I went anyways ... guess what .. had a blast.
Caliguy how did you do it? It looks like your happened over a long period of time.
Ugh ... did you just call me old?
Yeah, my BD was Sep13 ... yup .. almost 2 years ago. I fumbled my way around for about 10 months before I found this place and it was another 3-4 before I seen any movement.
Thing is PT, its new and strange .. DBing is a 180 from what we typically have felt and did. If we did it right none of us would be here right? Right now ... focus on you .. control you ... let her be her, love her enough to give her that gift. I look back and that 2 years of 'time' I was given was truly a gift, I wish I had not wasted so much living in my W's head and worried about what I was doing and how it impacted her ... when I started living for me .. I felt alive.
Caliguy
Of course I am not calling you old!!! I did sign up for a tiling class at home depot next weekend. I am trying to find things I am interested in...even before I met her I liked just working out and hanging out at home. I have never had a huge social circle just one or 2 friends. I would occasionally go to the clubs, but I am not a huge drinker and I am a horrible dancer.
I think it might be easier if we weren't living in the same house. In the back of my head I keep waiting for her to tell me that she wants to sell the house and go our separate ways. The month of july is over and I dont know if you remember I told her to take the month of july to see a therapist. I started DBing the beginning of july and had some good results (I left for 4th of july weekend, told her I was going with some friends to san diego) and stopped doing the things that pushed her away (talking about R/M, physical contact, crying). When I did these things she started to hug me, came into guestroom and wanted to cuddle, concerned about me. Then I went and did the spartan race by myself.
I totally get what your saying about focusing on me, I am trying. I'm sorry I am all over the place. I have so much to say
PT,
I know it is really tough to stuff down the things you really want to share with W. Hence Cali's STFU Smoothies are now discounted in 3 awesome flavors: cherry, chocolate, and vanilla.
Drink 'em up by the copious amounts.
Then you'll be a really cool cat like Jodie Foster.
During the day sometimes my mind plays tricks on me, then I wake up and realize that yes this is happening. You never think it is going to happen to you. When you finally give all your trust and love to someone and become completely vulnerable because they told you they would never hurt you and would always be there.....
Sorry just venting, I will never understand. Its like my life was a dream the last 5 yrs
I just want the pain to stop. I don't know how much more of this I can take.
Hi PT33, I'm so sorry it's a tough day. We have all been there, and I understand how awful it feels. From your post above - this is why one step at a time and one day at a time are so important just now. It is so hard to look ahead at the seemingly overwhelming future. But here's the thing - you just need to get through today. And you can think about tomorrow when it comes and get through that too.
In my early days, I managed to think a few days ahead only. Any more than that felt like too much. I couldn't think about next month, only this week. When you start thinking ahead, just tell yourself - I don't need to worry about that right now and focus on today.
Believe in yourself and know that you have the capacity to get through this difficult time. There are so many people here on the forum at different stages who are testament to that. If you need some support, do go and have a talk with your doctor and consider IC if you haven't already done so.
In the early days, I did quite a lot of walking which helped. I also started reading self help books (including DB and DR) which gave me some hope and a 'plan' to work to. I didn't trust my own instincts at that point because the bottom had just dropped out of my world. It also helped me to meet up with good friends, and to get out and do little things. I also upcycled some furniture in my Dad's garage and found that therapeutic. Working with your hands can really help soothe mental distress I think. Also, meditation can be soothing, and many people mention the Headspace app on this forum. There is a free trial if you wanted to have a go. Baby steps forward and looking after yourself.
For now, try and keep the focus on yourself, on self care and surviving a tough time. Keep posting and letting us know how you are doing. We are all here for you.
Take care xx
Thank u toots for ur encouraging words. I have been seeing an IC the entire 4 months. My wife told me yesterday that she will be going to stay with a friend when she gets back from seeing her brother. Then she will stay there until she can get a place in LA that will take our boxer. We have two dogs and I am heartbroken that I will never see him again. So I will stay here in the house with my sister until it sells. I am devastated, I don't understand. She said that she is unhappy and doesn't have it in her to try again that I was given a chance last yr. I did not know this at the time. Everyone has told her to give us another chance but she said they don't understand.
I spent most of yesterday crying with my mom. Trying to figure out why. How someone cud give up so easily on our marriage because they weren't happy. Even though I made all the changes and made myself a better person. I don't get how she could be so in love with me and then not be because of the normal ups and downs of marriage. I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with her.
I feel as though I have failed, my wife has filed and I will be getting the papers in the mail
I feel as though I have failed, my wife has filed and I will be getting the papers in the mail
PT ... YOU did not fail. You stood for your M ... and continue to do so. YOU can not control what she does ... no one can .. that's all on her.
Its not over, till you decide it is. You have only been here a short while, you can still very well continue to DB ... I was on the D table 3 friggin times in 18 months .... still here .. still standing ... even if I were divorced I would be better for it.
PT ... your M does not define you. Your W does not define you... PT defines you. I know it hurts, use that pain to propel you across the broken bridge, continue to focus on you ... let her be for now .. do YOUR thing.
PT...I don't have much to offer except my sympathies. You and I are feeling the exact same way. I don't understand how our spouses can just decide to act on feelings and make the "easy" decision instead of really digging in and making our marriages better. I am so sorry that you have to go through this too. Our timeline is pretty in sync with each other too.
Dittos to both CaliGuy and ep.
Stay focused - you will get through this. Praying for you too.
Thank you cali, kyrie, and EP for your kind words and support. I am at a loss what to do now. How do I continue Dbing? How should I be acting towards her?
PT,
Yeah, this is a very rough time for you. You're going have to dig deep to find that goodness inside you to be polite and cordial to W when you do interact with her.
Increase your GAL activities and be busy for they are wonderful distractions to your situation. If I would change anything in my early DB years, I would GAL like 25yearsmlc. 25 is GAL champion. Have you seen her GAL list?! It makes me have a headache just reading it. I suspect her next GAL activity is tackling Mt. McKinley.
Keep reading other threads for they do contain gems and I've ripped off some scripts from others early in my own DB years. Some I kept in my back pocket for the right time. I copied and pasted on Word to save in my flash drive. I pulled them up and reviewed them to memorize so it all became natural to me.
All of that was loooong before Sandi's Rules. Yeah, the Stone Age of DBing.
Wonka,
I sure am going to try with the GAL. I have to start packing because my soon to be XW wants the house on the market next week. She is moving quickly, house check, divorce paper check. She will be gone to her brothers in New Mexico till next tues and she will be moving some of her stuff down to LA the same day. I am reeling right now. I feel so numb, like I am living outside my body and this isn't my life. I talked with my IC last night and she said from what I have told her my W displays a lot of the characteristics for borderline personality disorder. This made me feel a little better because I know its not all my fault like how she is making it. Its a reason for her being so cold, emotionless, detached..pretty much like we did not spend the last 5 yrs of our lives together.
I wish I could fast forward past the next 3 months. I have so much anxiety all the time.
Have you spoken to a medical doctor? They could help relieve your anxiety if too bothersomre.
Hang in there
PT,
I am so sorry to read at the speed of things here.
Do you have your own L? You can ask your L to stall and delay things so slow down the D train a bit. Having a L can be very useful as it will protect you emotionally and legally. I dragged my situation out for almost 4 years.
Heavy-I have not seen an MD, but I want to try to stay away from meds. Most of the anxiety is when I am at home.
Wonka-I do not have a lawyer because I cannot afford one. I think at this point if my wife does not want to stay and be married to me I can't force her and I want someone that wants to be with me. As much as I love her and want to spend the rest of my life with her, I have to let her go. I know I am not being very positive right now, I hope you guys can help me with that. It kills me just 6 months ago that we would be pulling up to our house and she would say how much she loves it and our life. She has even abandoned her dog (she is like 17 yrs old) that she had before us that is supposedly so important to her. One of her issues with me is that I did not bond with her dog like I did with our 2 we got together. She has also left the 2 dogs we have together.
Yesterday was a pretty horrible day I got the D papers in the mail. It was like I was in a nightmare seeing our names. I still am waiting to wake up from all of this, I feel like I have been hit by a ton of bricks. None of this makes any sense. I'm not sure how to continue with DBing from here
I am sorry PT33. However, just cause you got papers does not mean the end. Stay focused and strong.
Hang in there
Hey heavy
How does it not mean the end?
Any advice on what I should do now? I know cali said to keep focusing on myself and let her be. I have 30 days to sign the divorce papers. I keep telling myself that it is over and she is not the same person. The person that loved me would never have treated me this way. And if she had really truly loved me like she said and what I thought we would have been able to get through this...
PT - I felt the exact same way, still do every time I see an email from the lawyers or think "agh I am getting divorced". I know how devastating that must have been for you. I just tell myself that marriage is ending and probably for the better, if H comes around and "wakes up" then we will make a new marriage/relationship. It has made the thinking about it easier. You are a survivor and a thriver not a victim, just remember that.
EP, Thank you for your support. I can't get out of my head the person I have been with the last 4 1/2 yrs and insert the monster she is now. I would like to think that she would wake up, but I don't think she will. I have been told not to hold out hope for that by friends. I love her more than anything or anyone I have ever loved before.
So I need some advice..My STBXW text me this morning saying she was coming to move some of her stuff today, here is the convo
W:Hi going to be there today moving stuff around 12:30 so u dont have to come home for the dogs, I will let them out and give them love. Do you want me to put them back in the side yards or in their kennels?
(yea love the dogs, you havent been here to help or take care of them)
Me: Could you wait until 1:30 so I can get my stuff out of that room
W: I guess, you knew I was coming today. I'm on a bit of a time crunch with the uhaul.
M: No you told me you were coming on tuesday
W: I will be there at 1:30. Im taking x, Y, Z so I have something. We do need to talk at some point about everything else.
M: ok I need to be there for separation of everything else
W: thats what I was referring too. I have taken care of you for almost 5 yrs, I would not screw you over now. So lets try to keep things friendly and not insuinate anything ok
M: Im not insinuating anything. I am keeping things cordial
It took everything in me not to respond to the taking care of me for 5 yrs. No, we took care of each other for 5 yrs! She wouldn't screw me over now??? What does she think she is doing??
PT
Yeah that line would have raised the hairs on the back of my head too .... its a simple history re-write of her there ... she has justified this entire move/break and one of the reasons was she had to spoon feed and burp you for 5 years .... not what really happened right? Next time "truth Dart" her right in the forehead with ... oh .. I dunno .. something like "Really? So happy you have re-written our history because I just happen a fully functioning adult before I met you and continue to be to this very second" Then bounce right out of the room. IMHO Truth darts are best tossed in person, I never could get my sarcasm font applied correctly via text nor email.
For now .. let it go .. its just her spew crazy and you do not want any of that stuff on you!
Thanks cali, you made me feel better. I will definitely do that next time
Today is hard day. My STBXW took all her clothes etc yesterday and there are stagers and the realtor at my house today. It just breaks my heart. I feel like we just moved in...well we did 3 yrs ago this month. I will never understand why she would do this rather than actually giving us a chance, just throwing everything away
My wife told me she was hanging on by a thread and yesterday was very hard and that this is very hard for her too. Hard because you have to move your stuff and its a pain or because she cares about us? I try to keep telling myself its not because of me that it is hard and that she doesn't care because otherwise she wouldn't be doing this.
PT ... she is wayward .. abducted by aliens ... she is not who you once knew right now.
I get how hard the separation is ... been there ... mine was Nov 8th I recall being home alone as I had till the end of the month, W took just about everything that I had not nailed down (Ya know .. because she would come to her senses) I ate a leftover Thanksgiving day plate that I brought home from work ... was so pathetic and I was just crushed.
It does get better ... you have the luxury of being here, learning what to do and what not to do ... I however wen on for 7 months on my own till I landed here. Keep DBing ... GAL, Detach, and fake the heck out of that PMA when she tries to tell you how hard things are for her ... the one who created this mess. I have never understood how the WAS seeks out the LBS for some sort of sympathy but they often do ... stay the course PT
ugg that [censored] cali, I don't understand people, how they can be so callus. I had to talk to her regarding things to do with the house today and she told me that it has been hard for her and emotional etc. I probably should have STFU, but I asked her if this was the best decision. She asked for the house or for us. I told her for us (can always buy another house). She said she had been thinking about things a lot over the last week when she was gone, but didn't expand more than that. She said we could talk more when we see each other thursday. I dont if that means anything or not, Im trying not to be hopeful. I had been so good with detaching too.
ugg that [censored] cali, I don't understand people, how they can be so callus. I had to talk to her regarding things to do with the house today and she told me that it has been hard for her and emotional etc. I probably should have STFU, but I asked her if this was the best decision. She asked for the house or for us. I told her for us (can always buy another house). She said she had been thinking about things a lot over the last week when she was gone, but didn't expand more than that. She said we could talk more when we see each other thursday. I dont if that means anything or not, Im trying not to be hopeful. I had been so good with detaching too.
That's R talk PT (Brace yourself for the 2x4) .... just like fight club(DB).. the first rule about Fight club (DB) is, there is NO Fight club(DB) .. the second rule ... No R talks !!!
PT thing is ... she fired you, you can not keep clocking in ... if the company realizes their mistake then you can use that new leverage and renegotiate your salary and ask for that sweet corner office ... as it is not, line up in the unemployment line, take some courses and become a better candidate right?
It stinks .. I get it ... right now she feels this will give her happy, it probably won't but its hard to tell a fat kid to stop eating ice cream. You have to wait for the tummy ache to hit, wait for them to look in the mirror, wait for them to figure this out all by themselves then bite your tongue and keep yourself from saying .. "No chit-I told you so"
Use this time PT ... become a better PT.
What GAL's do you have lined up... do something NEW.
Goals?
List Pros and Cons about PT and start nuking those Cons.
See where I am leaning with this ... all that stuff is saying "Get out of W's head" Live YOUR life .. Captain YOUR ship
Uggggggg your right cali, wuts even worse is that I knew I shouldn't have said anything! It's hard when you have divorce papers in hand (have 30 days to sign) and house is going on the market. My stupid brain wants to keep holding on.
I think I am just messed up because of the divorce papers...
I did go to bark for life with my dogs last weekend. Hung out with my pregnant sis all day on Sunday. I do need to plan some more things, but my time is now being spent cleaning and packing the house. Also have to be there to take the dogs when people want to see the house. Doesn't leave a lot of time for me. I want to volunteer to coach youth girls basketball this year, waiting to hear back. I also have season tickets to UCLA football coming up
I will list pros and cons in a little bit.....
PT
that 'messed up' feeling is normal .. and the root is fear.
Really look into that, what are you afraid of, life without W, moving forward, being alone, starting over .. all of it ... you have to get this all out and deal with it regardless of what happens right?
I am really sorry most of all to hear about our unfortunate acquisition of season UCLA tickets ... yuck .. that's just horrible and my heart goes out to you .. GO SDSU
I guess it is fear...fear of not spending the rest of my life with her. I know that I can move forward and I can be alone, you don't get a choice life doesn't just stop. I don't NEED her, I WANT her. She enriched my life and made it that much better, not to say that I wasn't happy with my life before her.
Here are my Pros for myself
1. huge loving heart
2. trust worthy
3. would do anything for you
4.determined/self-motivated
5. loyal
6. Never gives up
7. forgives
Cons
1. Communication
2. negative/pessimistic
3. Fixer
Not starting the day out good. Spent 3 hrs moving stuff into the garage and cleaning so the house would be ready for open house. Very emotional and hard to do this. Just kept thinking this isn't supposed to happen this way.
My sister is a paralegal and she looked over the D papers for me. She thinks my W might be trying to screw me. My wife has said everything would be 50/50, but there was a paper with a court date? We don't have a lot other than what is in the house and the house itself. She already split the accounts back in april, which she should not have done. She took the 20,000 that she put down on the house at that time. My mom thinks she is trying to get that again when the house sells. This is too much, it hurts so bad. I think it hurts because I think of her as the person I married not the monster she has become
PT
Detach here... look at this as a business split and protect yourself. (I would get statements from all your accounts for this past year) When I was going through all this I found out W had emptied all the accounts ... one I never knew we had ... that was not a shock as she did all the bills, I trusted her completely. I went to the bank to open my own account and asked for print outs ... the teller asked me "For all 4 accounts?" (I knew of 3) So I said sure. Turns out it was a considerable sum. Here was the thing, when we were going through mediation, I did not get nasty, but I was firm .. 50-50 was fair and I was not settling for .05% less. The fact W agreed on the separation date in Dec13 allowed me to go after ... yup ... 50% of all that money she pulled out of the accounts, and I had the statements and her siggy on the withdrawl.
Even now, in my mind this money is still owed back to me. We are working on our M , but I will never give up my account nor my money ... I will transfer my share into the account and that's that ... lesson learned.
Protect yourself, emotions or not .. its a bad business deal at this time and you have to stand up for yourself.
God Cali I don't know how you guys came out of the other side going through all that. Its crazy that I have to protect myself from her. I keep telling myself dont believe anything they say and only half of what they do. I am going to see W today and discuss this with her. If she is resistant I guess I have my answer. I guess i know why she put the separation day as 3/28 now. We were not separated then, but she separated our accounts the end of april
You can contest that separation date !!
Just goes to show how long she has been planning this, it's not surprising
I guess I will, So much for doing this amicably and fair (W's words)
I guess I will, So much for doing this amicably and fair (W's words)
Translation = fair to her.
^^ X2 ... I used that exact line on W when she shared how amicably she wanted the D to play out ... ya know... after she took all the money, furniture and the car that was paid off.
PT this is where you stand up for you (Recall how W took care of you for what ... 5 years was it?) Do not doormat this part.
Cali I wish you could be there with me and give me strength to stand up. It feels so weird to say that about someone that you love so much and used to feel the same way about you
Why can't I just keep my mouth shut? I was able to do it for the whole month of july until she told me she still wanted a divorce. We met yesterday to split things in the house. Of course after that I couldn't keep my mouth shut. She is still so angry about me not wearing my ring and not introducing her as my wife to my co-workers. No matter how I explain it to her she doesn't understand. I told her it had nothing to do with her or how I feel about her. It was about past traumas (being judged and made fun of for being gay) affecting me now. She said she wanted to feel claimed or that I was proud to have her by my side, I guess a possessiveness. I told her I felt all of those things. Our talk was calm and I felt it had sunk it with her a little bit. I don't know if I should be hopeful, probably not. She said her lease is month to month so we will see what happens
PT,
Why can't I just keep my mouth shut? I was able to do it for the whole month of july until she told me she still wanted a divorce. We met yesterday to split things in the house. Of course after that I couldn't keep my mouth shut. She is still so angry about me not wearing my ring and not introducing her as my wife to my co-workers. No matter how I explain it to her she doesn't understand. I told her it had nothing to do with her or how I feel about her. It was about past traumas (being judged and made fun of for being gay) affecting me now. She said she wanted to feel claimed or that I was proud to have her by my side, I guess a possessiveness. I told her I felt all of those things. Our talk was calm and I felt it had sunk it with her a little bit. I don't know if I should be hopeful, probably not. She said her lease is month to month so we will see what happens
Would you care to elaborate on that bold part a bit more here? In what ways does those past incidents affect you?
I can understand W's position on this issue. We all want to be acknowledged and recognized as the spouse. Straight people do it all the time...why not gay people too. This shows the spouse that they are our #1 priority and our family.
PT
I can not relate to this part of your sitch ... Thankfully Wonka, Diff, Heavy are on this board and can relate and add some insight (I desperately have applied into the club but have yet to get my membership card approved... old joke between a long time friend who is lesbian and myself)
Thing I would like to add though ... feelings are just that....feelings, they are not right nor wrong, she feels how she feels. I can see if someone does not feel like they are #1, how it would make them form resentment/hurts/pain. You can not change the past .... like many of us here. A good response for this might be the go-to validations "I'm sorry you feel this way, I understand how hurtful that must have been. I would do many things differently in retrospect"
Really it was only with work I am out every where else. I have dealt with this in therapy and now I understand why I had such a hard time. I am a physical therapist so I see a lot of people a day and I just didn't feel like being judged. I see my pt.'s a lot and I didn't want things to be awkward or uncomfortable at work because I spend so much time there. My wifes motto is who cares what they think, but thats just not how I was. I should have gone and talked to a counselor when we first got engaged. I guess I should go into why I was like that...wonka I am sure u can relate some. Gay people have not always been as accepted as they have been recently. When I was discovering who I was when I was in college it was back in 2002, obviously not as bad as it was in 50's, 60's, 70s, 80s, but there are still ignorant people out there. I played basketball in college and I lost my starting spot when my coach found out I was gay. Some of my teammates were pretty horrible. One of them told their dad and he told my dad. My dad basically disowned me and told me I needed psychological help. My mom also came out in later life and what I learned from her was dont ask dont tell basically.
Anyways I have overcome this with therapy. She thinks I was hurting her purposely because I didnt do anything about it over the last 3 yrs. I was stuck I just wanted her to understand and for it to go away. Well obviously that was the wrong approach. She has always been the number one priority in my head I just didnt show it like I should have. I think it may not have caused as many problems, but my has had this happen in past relationships. I love her so much and I always felt so proud to have her by my side. I felt like the luckiest person in the world and I always to her that.
Cali
I did validate her feelings yesterday and I have been for a few months. I told her i can see how that would hurt her etc etc. It looked like it sank in more yesterday. I wish I would have validated her feelings when we would argue about it in the past, I just felt attacked in the past. I told I see things very differently now. I think she just holds on to anger and hurt because she doesn't know how to deal any other way. I told her I wish she could forgive me
PT
Yeah .. past pains and hurts take time. I know this all to well, I am still wrestling this ... its not easy.
Thing is, the past .... we can only learn from it, living there will not allow us to grow as a person. Do not get stuck on the shoulda-woulda-coulda- of 2014, its done, now if you learn from it, apply that knowledge to NOW, how beautiful would that be vs sulking in how you might have done this or that and not been 'here' .... no lesson learned EVER with that process right? PT you have to live and make mistakes to LEARN. No one figures out how to play sitting on the bench ... you have to be out there on the field/court to really 'get it' right?
I recall thinking like you are ... and I read a quote ... did not memorize it but it said something to the effect"Without great suffering there is no growth" At the time I though .. "ahhh how nice another quote about my pain". But I am here to tell you... no WAY I would have made the changes in my life I have in the past 18 months without going through all this, being brought to my knees and stripped from all I held dear to my heart.
PT ... take this .. and GROW
Hey PT, you can take the lead with showing her right now. She has not the tools to be able to express her anger or emotions.
First, Show her that you will listen without judgement or criticism. You will really listen and validate (sounds like you are the right track here). You aren't going to argue about how she feels or tell her what to do ...you are listening. You become a safe place for her to voice things, hell you even feel welcoming to her to open up. See the did ffference between that person and the you she had for years. We are learning (Cali is spot on with that point, cannot be hammered enough)
Then, the next part...you Show her how you are able to express yours concisely, without drama, calmly. This will take practice, but you can do this.
PT,
Yeah, it can be challenging to navigate in the world during times when people's minds and hearts are not open to people's unique characteristics.
Back in the 1980's, I was out as a gay person and yeah...I've had some real mind benders from people who were closed off. I remember that day I was out gay as a freshman in high school and walking down the hall where lockers were with eyes turning to stare at me. Talk about baptism of fire!!
In my mind, I wanted to be authentic with myself. I don't do fake very well. Yeah, I had boyfriends in middle school because that was supposed to be the "right" thing to do. At some point, I just decided that wasn't working for me.
During my freshman year in college, I roomed with another gay woman. On the same floor, there was another wing that housed boys. One day, I came back to my dorm room from classes to find some really ugly graffiti on the door with words like "dyke, lizzie" written all over it. I had my suspicions on who the likely culprits were and I immediately marched over to the other wing to knock on the door.
The guy answered the door tried to play dumb. I simply said, I know it was you who wrote garbage on my door and it must stop now. If you continue with this, I will report you to the Dean. That put a stop to those silly sophomoric antics FOREVER.
I even had guys telling me that I didn't know what I was missing....yep, that's right. They said it to my face.
I don't shout from the rooftops that I am gay, but I don't go out of my way to hide it. It is a part of who I am just as being straight is a part of someone. What's the difference??
It wasn't too long ago that black and white people weren't allowed to marry. It wasn't too long ago that nearsighted people were classified as "dumb" and put in special classes. Not too long ago that left-handed people were considered "deviant" and forced to use their right hand.
Cali, you might want to come out of the closet and tell people that you're actually a lesbian.
The 70's and 80's were decades that some of us went through, and while we look back at part of it with rose tinted glasses, discrimination was rife and, thankfully, in these more enlightened times, things are different for everybody, especially here in the UK. Being 'gay' etc. just doesn't raise an eyebrow anymore.
Cali- I really do hope that she can heal from the hurt that I caused her by my mistakes. We were so happy and good together. I have learned and grown from all my mistakes. Its too bad she won't give me a chance to show her this. No sulking here, I already did that. I can only control and change myself for the better. I see what your saying is that everything happens for a reason basically. I wouldnt have made these changes if this didnt happen.
Zephyr-I have been showing her the last month when we were still living together and I saw some improvements. but it was like anytime she felt herself softening she closed back up. She has been going to therapy and she has said it has helped with her anger. She is also learning to deal with her severe anxiety better. I think I am doing good with the validating and listening (I used to interrupt and defend myself a lot). I hope that she is starting to see me as welcoming. I dont know how to continue you this because I dont know how often I will see her now that she has moved back to LA (hour away).
Wonka-I admire your courage to stand up for yourself, I wish I would have done the same thing instead of being so passive. Maybe I wouldnt have lost my wife.
Thank you all for your advice and support! I need a plan....do things change now that I have to sign divorce papers? (she has told me a few times when I asked her if we have to do this, she said that maybe this is why CA has a "6 month cooling off period" before its final) Just continue to focus on myself I assume. Kinda the theme I have read in other threads.
Today is going to be a difficult day. My STBXW is coming to take her dog and one of the dogs we share. I love both of our dogs so much. I am heartbroken that I will probably not see him much. It will be hard to see him because that means I have to see her. I am going to try not to cry too much
I know I don't have a crystal ball, but I feel like she will never change her mind even though she has said things like there is a 6 month cooling off period and her lease is month to month. Otherwise why would she still be going through with the divorce and selling the house. I guess I have no choice, but to let her go on her journey and I will go on mine. I know that I am a better person and I have already learned so much from my mistakes.
Hi everyone
So I was hoping I could get some advice today. My wife came to our house yesterday to help clean for the open house this week. I was cordial and didn't say too much. She had a runny nose so I asked her if she had allergies or if she was sick, she said no that she had been crying. My heart instantly ached for her, her back was to me because she was cleaning the stove. I waited for a min because I wanted to think about what I did before I did it. My natural reaction was to go to her and hold her, so I did. I came up behind her and wrapped my arms around her. She started sobbing uncontrollably. Side note, this is the first time she has cried since this has been going on and the first time I have seen her cry since we have been together. While she was crying she was asking me why I couldn't have just listened then and then told me she was just so mad at me and that I should never have hurt her like that. I held her for a few mins and told her it was never too late and that we could start over, a new marriage. I asked her what she wanted and she said she was confused and didn't know. I asked her what was holding her back and she said the wheels were already in motion. I told her that nothing had been done that was permanent.
So how do I proceed? How do I nurture this without pushing?
PT,
Okay...I would back off as your W needs to process her emotions. Let her come to you. I can understand your desire to make all the pain go away in that instant.
Did you validate W? I like this old standby, "I would have done things differently knowing what I know now. I am sorry for the pain and I would love to make sincere amends with you. I respect you and your space. All of this isn't easy for both of us at all. I am here when you're ready."
Wonka-
I most certainly did validate her, not in your exact words, but pretty close
I think that has been helping because I have been validating her the last few discussions we have had. I am going to wait for her to come to me. It just makes me nervous that the house is going to start being shown and that I will sign a lease sept 15.
PT,
Deep breath. The house is just a house and furniture is just furniture. Take the long view here.
PT .. Wonka is spot on.
PT .. who set this all into motion? She did. Right now she is second guessing herself ... DO NOT PURSUE her here. She needs to really FEEL the consequences of what she is doing, and like Wonka said .. you plant that seed of "I would do alot of things differently" and let that seed take root in her foggy noggin. You can pave the road home ... but you can not push her down the street, she has to come back to you on her terms.
Stay the course ... there is movement .. and with that might be some testing, she may even spew a bit just to work herself up to get over the hump.
I know I don't have a crystal ball, but I feel like she will never change her mind even though she has said things like there is a 6 month cooling off period and her lease is month to month. Otherwise why would she still be going through with the divorce and selling the house. I guess I have no choice, but to let her go on her journey and I will go on mine. I know that I am a better person and I have already learned so much from my mistakes.
I will one-better ya here. My W left, signed a year lease ... then after THAT lease was up extended it 18 months to keep the $$ lower. Knowing how much I really hate that place ... she struggled with how to approach me on moving in with her there till we could find something else.
You are right though, let her walk her journey and figure out what she wants while you use this time and work on PT, making PT a woman only a fool would leave .... time to look and see who you want PT 2.0 to be.
If all this does not make any sense - then go read the pursuit and distance thread.
She is testing you to see if your changes are real.
If you continue to pursue then she will know that they are not real.
Wonka, Cali I hear ya. Patience and the long road. I just hate to sell something that we both love. I have told her it is just a house and we can get another one. I suggested moving closer to her work so her drive was shorter (mine would be longer, but it only takes me 10 mins to get there now). I just wanted to prevent any unnecessary moving/work/inconveniences but I see what your saying.
She asked me yesterday before she left if I wanted to go to dinner on thursday. So hopefully she will open up more, I know that was big for her yesterday. Don't worry I will not pursue
Wonka, Cali I hear ya. Patience and the long road. I just hate to sell something that we both love. I have told her it is just a house and we can get another one. I suggested moving closer to her work so her drive was shorter (mine would be longer, but it only takes me 10 mins to get there now). I just wanted to prevent any unnecessary moving/work/inconveniences but I see what your saying. All this ... its R talk ya know?? No R talks PT you are a far cry away from this just yet.
She asked me yesterday before she left if I wanted to go to dinner on thursday. So hopefully she will open up more, I know that was big for her yesterday. Don't worry I will not pursue
This part ... you HAVE to go into this with NO EXPECTATIONS. PT you will have to get your PMA Game face on, have a nice pleasant dinner, NO R TALKS, and make sure you end it on your terms, have somewhere to be .... this not only helps you NOT pursue ... but gets her to lean more YOUR direction. I know it sounds and feels like a game ... least it did for me... but I am telling you something as simple as ending the convo first, leaving first, pays off HUGE in the long game of all this. One of those little things that means the world.
Ugggg I know cali, I just need to STFU. Sometimes I just keep talking...
No R talk unless she brings it up right? I haven't heard from her today and my mind automatically is going to the negative. Is she changing her mind, did she regret opening up to me...
So my wife TM this morning Hi. It was nice because she hasn't done that in a month. I have just been giving her her space since Sunday. She asked how I was doing and I remained positive. We joked a little, which was nice. It made me smile, it was nice to know she was thinking of me. I don't text or call her, I let her do that. I will stick to sandi's rules, I hope I don't screw this up
Good job, PT, with being light and breezy with your TM exchange with W. With Ms. Wonka, it took a long, long time for the glacier to melt and for her walls to come down. I didn't hear from her for 4 SOLID months. Boy that was hard!!!
Yeah, stick to Sandi's Rules and you'll be fine.
You need to know that sometimes it's two steps forward and then 6 steps backward. Heck, I screwed things up in my DBing with Ms. Wonka. The goal was to keep those mistakes to a "minimum"...at best.
Thanks wonka. I hope that this is the start of her walls coming down.
So great news everyone! My wife called me and said we should take the house off the market. I asked her y and she said she wasn't ready for our marriage to be over:)!!!!!!! She wanted to start over with a clean slate. I am so happy. Obviously we have things we need to talk about but we will get through that. More to come.....
So happy for your great news!!!
PT,
This is good to hear. Slow and steady. Don't let W in too easy. There's a lot of work to do ahead and don't sweep things under the rug. You would want to see a solutions-based MC counselor...preferably one with Gottman principles.
Also I've heard great things about Retrouaville. You guys might want to check it out as it focuses mainly on communication techniques. Not sure if they will accept gay couples as it's a Catholic organization.
Wonka I hear ya. She wants to start a clean slate. I want to talk about the "friend" she swears was only a friend. I want to do this now, but I dont want to ruin anything. I just want to talk about it now and never have to think about it again. This is one of the biggest things that makes me feel insecure other than the fact she just quit on our marriage. I was going to tell her was going to take me a little time to feel safe and secure again after having the rug pulled out. Everything else has been taken care of on my part (wearing ring and introduce as my wife) which were her biggest complaints. We already talked about how communication is a big priority for us.
Wow PT! That is some awesome news.
There is nothing wrong with taking your time on this.
PT ... great news!!
As Wonka said ... now you have her atleast leaning back into the M, this is the hard part .... yes you heard me... DBing is one thing .. piecing it back together, whole new ball game and one I am still trying to sort out.
Do yourself a favor ... research and land a pro M MC .... do not try to wing this and DYI. There are still issues there and when this newness of recommitting to the M wears off you will need something to fall back on.
Do not forget all the work you have done, keep up with that it landed you 'here' right?
PT,
Recovering from an A is a slow and painful process. You will not be able to resolve it in one fell swoop based on one conversation. I'd suggest that you read up on Cali's thread for they've addressed Mrs. Cali's XOM in pieces over the past several weeks (or few months) now they're in piecing stage.
The first order of business is finding a solution based MC therapist.
WONKA, soory to hijack - but you can take a look see at Lost08's thread. He H is giving her the touchy feely mixed messages that Smothy's was and your early intervention may be useful. Thanks, Py
New Thread time PT ... hope all is well.