Since my last thread was getting a bit long, Cadet asked me to start a new one. You can read up on my situation
here. In my last post, I mentioned that my WW has been contacting me more and more lately. It started with an app called "Timehop", that sends you pictures from 1-? years ago depending on how long you have been on Social Media. So it was usually pictures of us or the kids from 4-5 years ago. It was honestly a decent ice breaker if it was for the kids and would evolve into a conversation. I usually tried to be the first one to stop responding.
We barely saw one another, it would go a few weeks in fact since we now do the "kid swap" at daycare. One of us would drop them off in the morning, the other would pick them up. But recently, we have been seeing one another more and more. We went out to dinner on my Birthday, went to lunch a few days before that. I have had to stop by her house a handful of times for whatever reason and she has done the same. Every single time I avoid any relationship questions or ask who she is dating and generally she does the same.
Sunday we took the kids to see The Minions, we all had fun, I wrote about it in my previous thread. She brought up how she failed the marriage, our family, me and everyone. I didn't really respond. I have been GALing, giving her space and really enjoying life. It took me almost 7 months to get here, but it's been fun for the last few months.
Now, last night my parents neighbors were having a going away party. We have been friends with this family for several years, their kids are the same age as mine and I wanted to take my kids too. My wife hasn't seen my folks in months, but asked if she could go too. I didn't see why not, we spent the majority of the party talking to each other. I applied several techniques that I have learned over the last few months. Not interrupting her, looking her in the eye as she talks, etc. For a few hours it was like that. At the end of the party, I walked with her to her car to help load the kids in. She waited by her car door as I buckled my beautiful children into their car seats. I walked around and she put her arms out for a hug and just held me for a few minutes.
I know at the party other people commented on my appearance and how great it was to see me looking so healthy. Several of these people saw me while I was undergoing treatment for cancer and frankly, I looked like death. I think that kind of freaked her out a little, because these people noticed it and she didn't.
There is a possibility of us getting back together I think. I am not really hopeful, she would have to prove it to me that is something she really wants. And once again, I am not sure if it's something I really want at this point in my life.
I have been dating casually, there is one girl that I do spend a lot of time with. She is completely different than my W. We have a lot of fun together and her family has met my family. We don't usually hang out with my kids much (her kids are much older) and when we do there is little physical contact between us. I really am appreciative of the advice I have received here and look forward to my continued efforts on these boards.
Figured I would drop in and give yet another update.
The WW left this morning to go to Las Vegas. I didn't ask with who, nor do I really care. It's great though because that means I have my 2 kids by myself for the next few days. I have so much planned and am really excited about it. Yesterday, I had to swing by her house to get "our" dog (she took him when she moved out) because I am going to watch him while she is gone (I missed the little guy). When I got there the first thing she said was "Wow, you look great...You always look great lately" so that was a feather in my cap. I know her flight left at 7 or so this morning and she text 3 times before she even left town, asking me to give the kids hugs and what not. Anyway, it is what it is. I am going to run and pick up the munchkins and take them to Dave & Buster's for dinner.
The WW got back from her trip yesterday, met up with her to give her the dog back. In the process I was telling her that the kids got a slight sunburn, my son on his back and my daughter on her butt (from her swim suit riding up). The WW interrupted me both times saying that she had a worse one from the trip. I looked her in the face and said "I don't care about your sunburn or your trip, I am letting you know about the kids." Which turned the fury on with her, she grabbed the dog and stormed away.
Today we got into another fight about the divorce. She refuses to attend/schedule any additional divorce mediation sessions, her excuse is that she wants the house to sell first. The house isn't even on the market because I am the only one doing any work on it. My time is stretched tight enough, so it's a slow process. Anyone have any ideas why she would want to wait? I think I should schedule an appointment with a lawyer, but crap, I am so tight on money I don't even know if I could afford one if I had to.
The absolutely worse part about this, is that I still find myself making excuses for her.
I took off to Chicago for work on Friday and came back late last night. It was good to get away for a few days and not have to deal with "life" in my city. While I was gone the WW took the dog and sent updates throughout the weekend. I am at a little over 5 months on this separation (leading to divorce) and I kept thinking "Wow, WW would LOVE this restaurant!" or "Holy crap, the Blue Man Group was awesome! I want to take the WW and the kids here!"
I went a while without even thinking about her, focusing on the future, making changes, GALing, but over the last 2-3 weeks she has been on my mind more and more. I don't know if I am just in a panic because everything is finally coming to a head and I am afraid of the change or if it's because I really do miss her (I know I miss her friendship, but not so much our relationship). Either way, I just wanted to vent a little.
Well, 2 steps forward, 1 step back.
The WW and I have been getting along really well lately. We text/talk almost every single day. Laugh, catch up on life and keep it fairly light about our personal lives. A couple nights ago was my daughters first dance class. I was excited, I mean, what is cuter than 3 year old girls trying to dance. My WW spearheaded the process of finding the school, which was good. It was her day with the kids, but I met them up there. I got in after she did and there wasn't really a spot for me next to the WW and son. So I let them know I was there and that I was going to find another place to sit down. Not even a minute later she text me (as I was looking for a new spot) saying "I would really like it if you sat by us, S7 can sit on my lap" so I went back over there. We ended up going out to Dairy Queen afterwards as a family and had a great time. A few times she was looking at her phone, texting or emailing so I would do the same thing. We ended with hugs for everyone.
Yesterday I picked the kids up from daycare and the daycare lady said "Oh Eye-Tie, I don't know how you do it. She came here this morning and ran you up and down the flag pole, saying that you told her that you will never take your daughter to dance classes nor will you have anything to do with it. Your kids both said you were there and that you took everyone out for ice cream. She is really a B!tch, isn't she?"
I just sighed, agreed and walked away to join my children in the hallway.
It's almost like she knows I am a good person. She knows my attitude has changed. She knows that I am not the same person I was a year ago (much like she isn't). Yet anytime she can, she tries to cut me off at the knees, almost like she is validating her decision to leave. Much like she says occasionally "we are NEVER getting back together" when we get into a fight, even if it's not the topic at hand.
It's almost like she knows I am a good person. She knows my attitude has changed. She knows that I am not the same person I was a year ago (much like she isn't). Yet anytime she can, she tries to cut me off at the knees, almost like she is validating her decision to leave. Much like she says occasionally "we are NEVER getting back together" when we get into a fight, even if it's not the topic at hand.
That is what you must continue to do ET...be your best and true to yourself and your kids.
You are doing Great!!!
Thank you for sharing.
BTW, the 3-year old dance class stuff is just unbelievably awesome stuff. I don't have any little girls, but I have nieces it they are as cute as they come!
Thank you Zephyr. I am really enjoying my time with my kids and without them. My wife asked me the other day about several of my friends and just about fell out of her seat when I told her that I don't really talk to the majority of them. Frankly, most were drunks and cheaters. I just said "I hang out with a new crowd mostly, people who share my interests and enjoy the same things I do." She couldn't respond because she still hangs out with her "bar-whore" friends.
As for the dance stuff, it's a riot. I am excited for her gymnastics class on Monday, that should be fun. She is a little monkey.
Just had a weird experience...
WW came to pick up the kids, I was helping her load them up and they demanded kisses from me. Which I happily obliged, the WW said "Family Kisses" and I said "You are getting one too WW, don't try to run away" laughing with everyone else. She jumped in her car, smiling and laughing and closed her door, I opened her door, leaned in and kissed her on the mouth. She kissed back, first time in 6 months at least that that has happened. Don't know if we were caught up in the moment or what, but we smiled when I pulled my head back, I closed her car door and off they went. Interesting...
And things just get stranger in my world.
Reading book after book, trying to decide when it's "right" to start dating again, I gathered that "you will know" is the right answer. Although some say wait years, others say different, I just hedged my bet on my gut. I have been dating casually over the last few months. I know I am not ready to get into a relationship, but it's fun to meet new people and try new things. One of my goals since starting dating again is to try a new experience to get away from the "Dinner & a movie" stereotype. On different dates we have attended art premieres, cooking classes (if you are a single guy, I IMPLORE you to go to these), wine & painting classes, etc.
A few weeks ago I met (again) a girl. She is a few years younger than me, has a daughter that is my S age (7) and we hit it off. I had met her probably 5 years ago in passing, I remembered her because I thought she was "cute" but at the time I was married. A few weeks ago we ran into one another and talk/spend time together a few times a week. She is single, her D father is a deadbeat, she has her own place/career/car, etc. I will call her "J" for the sake of conversation.
Previous to J, I have probably gone out on a few dozen dates. Some were fun, others were ok, I refuse to say any of them were "bad" but it really showed me what I wanted in a new partner and what I didn't want. And as shallow as it is, I set up a "points" system, but I am analytical so I need to see that type of information in front of me. And the "points" can be something as stupid as "20 points if they like Star Wars" or "50 points if they have their own home" or "10 points if they know how to cook", just helps me keep my head clear. I have met a few girls that I thought would be great partners but as time went on, I realized that it would not work out.
Anyway, I digress. In my head, 500 points is a score for me to really think things could be great with a person. J hit 500 points almost 4 days ago...We have been talking for a little over 2 weeks. When I first saw her, she was sitting on a bar stool talking to my Mother at a family get together (she isn't related to me, long story, her best friend is my Uncles fiance) I was walking in with my cousin and I said "Holy crap, who is THAT?" I was smitten from the start.
Since our kids knew one another, it wasn't weird for them to be around one another. We make it a point not to hold hands, kiss, whatever in front of them and it's great. My WW knows at this point about her (it's impossible to keep anything from her so I don't even try anymore) and she actually said "EyeTie, for the first time in a LONG time you look really...happy..." And frankly, I am. J's daughter spent the night last night with my kids and they had a fantastic time, later we are all going out to dinner together as well.
Now, I am not saying I am going to jump right into a relationship with J, but it's absolutely incredible to meet someone who I have so much in common with. Even the other day, she got in my car and I had The Sinatra Station on Sirius playing, I went to change it and she said "No, leave it! This is all I ever listen to in my car!" At first I thought she was kidding, but later when we had to take her car, that station was on when she started the car. I really dig this girl.
Now, as for the D. There has been zero progress. The WW keeps coming up with excuses why we can't get it done yet. From the old house not being on the market to my health to my new career, etc. I am not sure if she is finally getting cold feet or not, but either way, life is good and it's only looking up.
Thanks for listening.
So the WW got fired from her job on Friday, has a horrible cold and it was her weekend with the kids. Knowing how she "shuts down" when bad things happen, I offered to come over to her place and help with the kids, make dinner, etc. It was nice, I was always the "cook" in the house so it was like old roles were back in play. I quit drinking a few weeks ago and she was actually surprised to hear me say "no" to a glass of wine.
We ate, laughed and all hugged when I was leaving. She actually took out her phone and took about a dozen photo's of the kids hugging me goodbye.
This morning I got an email asking if we could "talk" this week. She wants to talk about moving across the country to be closer to her parents, she has no family here. I offered before to do so, to make things "work" for us and get rid outside influences in our marriage, she turned it down back then.
She said she doesn't want to move down there in the hopes of fixing "us" but it would be good for her and the kids to be closer to her folks.
So here is my question, what can I possibly do to make sure that I am not setting myself up here? I mean, I love this woman, I miss her and I want to be with her and the kids as a "family". I just am worried with all the BS she has pulled that she will try to honey-pot me into moving and then once it happens be like "Well, yeah, not what I want, now you are stuck here away from everyone you know..." Any advice?
It's so interesting that this is happening right when you are happy with a new girl! Wonder what others on the board make of this?
Just catching up on you sitch. It sounds like you have a lot of positives in hour life right now. Good for you.
To answer your question. There is no way I would move right now. That is a huge step. I would validate how she feels and let her know you are not comfortable moving. If she gets angry just stay calm and let her know you understand.
In loved reading your story and look forward to updates!
I just read my post from last night. I was using the iPhone so please ignore all the typos.
An update...
On Saturday, the WW was going to drop the kids off at 5pm at my place. She didn't show up until 7ish. At the time she came the new girl was at my house with her daughter and they met. I have dated a few different people since the WW left, but this was the first time she actually met someone. It was fine, a little tense, but fine.
Sunday I met up with the WW to go over some paperwork. She told me that she went out on Saturday night after leaving my place and didn't feel well so she went home early. She looked rough. I know she knows about me dating (she is doing the same) but she finally had to meet someone and was intimidated.
Since then she texts a few times a day, sends photos of the kids, etc. So today, while I was at work she sent this...
"Hey how's your day going? You just popped in my head and I wanted to say hi."
It was a complete temp check (thank you books!) and I responded with a brief statement. Saying I was doing well but really busy at work. She then text talking about how fast our kids are growing up and babies and crap. I responded back with "I really don't want to talk about what ifs, what could have beens or anything else like that anymore. Have a great day!" and left it at that.
She has convinced herself that I am still chasing after her and I think she is realizing that it isn't the case. I haven't heard back from her. BUT her Mom called me a few hours later and asked how I was and what was new. I do not trust her, which is sad, because I used to have a very close relationship with my mother in law, not anymore though. I just filled her in on how work was going, what was going on with the kids and that was it. She asked about the new girl and if it was getting serious and I told her that I didn't really feel comfortable talking to her about it. I could hear her jaw hit the ground.
I hate playing games, but wow, is it all a game?
Update.
One of my cousins finally succumbed to a disease she had been battling for years. My WW and I took in my cousins son about 7 years ago or so. He is now in his early 20's, but he considers myself and the WW his "parents". The memorial was on Saturday and my WW brought the kids and stuck around.
The entire time, anywhere I went, she was always a few steps away. Granted this is my family who are not exactly thrilled with her choices, but everyone was really nice to her and acted like things are fine. All afternoon, the WW would touch my arm, rub my hair, etc, essentially putting on her little show that she likes to do, all the while my aunts/uncles and such would say "Are you sure you guys are getting a divorce?" or "I think she is having second thoughts, look at the way she looks at you." things like that.
When it was over, I walked her and the kids to her car, gave the kids hugs and kisses and then gave my WW a hug. She leaned in for a kiss (I think) and I turned my head and she got my cheek instead. I just said "Um...Did you try to kiss me?" and she didn't say anything, I then followed with "Yeah, don't do that." Said goodbye to the kids and walked away.
8 months or so ago, I would have jumped at the chance to kiss her again. Thinking that it might reassure her of where we are in life and to stay together. But at this point I am really content with the way things are and really am happy to move forward. Would I consider getting back together with her? Possibly, but it's not my #1 goal anymore so I am happy about that too. I don't think about her really, I think about my future and my kids. I imagine what a positive marriage could be like where everything is 50/50 and not "her way or the highway" like she wanted. I am not sure, I think it's getting easier.
I just caught my self up on your thread. WOW. I really envy you and where you are. I kow i am just reading what you write but you seem so calm and collected with everything.although it seems i get better at this everyday, i still feel like i slip back and go through the rollercoaster again. I know living in the same house probably causes this.
I am thinking about making a big step today with setting some boundaries and schedule with W and it scares me as it is moving things forward. Any advice and best of luck.
OTW, I see you are fairly new, I was once the "crying, begging, pleading, can't live without her" type. Believe me, it get's better. Keep your head up.
Boundaries are key. I will always make time for my kids, but I won't adjust my schedule to fit hers anymore. I am not available for her and it drives her nuts.
Wow eye tie I hope I can follow your lead... Impressive. I am doing pretty good but if my wife gave me those signals I would definitely cave.
How long after the separation did you start dating?
I tested the waters before I was ready honestly. She was out dating and I knew I would have to try to do the same. I think I went out for the first time within a month of her leaving. Which was a mistake. Took some "me" time and then started again a few months after that.
I currently have a girl I date exclusively. We are not serious, but are "exclusive" which is nicre. My WW is aware of her and is also jealous of her to some extent.
You will know when it's time.
Oh as for caving, my WW temp checks me all the time to see if she still has that option. It drives her crazy when I refute her advances.
So EyeTie... are you not divorced yet? What are your plans there.
Pinn, good question.
We opted for a "mediated" divorce, since we already split almost everything. Our mediator said that it would be done in roughly 6 sessions (he also said he didn't want to accept a full payment because he thought we would reconcile). We went to one mediation back in March or April. After our one session was over, he said "Well, we have maybe 1 full session left and that is that..." I scheduled another one a few weeks later, she cancelled it because she had "plans" (after she agreed on it). I scheduled another one and she cancelled that one as well, because she was worried about my health (yeah right).
I have brought it up since then from time to time, but every single time she balked. About a week or two ago she agreed to finally finish it. We just have a little homework left and then we can finish it. She still hasn't done her homework, she still hasn't set the appointment nor will she talk to me about it. All she can really say is "Why rush it?" or "What if we move away and reconcile?".
At the end of the day I think she is second guessing her decision, but she will never admit it because it would mean she is wrong and she HATES being wrong.
Thanks for shedding some light. I hope I can be as strong as you. I do not think my wife would behave like yours (I think mine is done) but ya never know. If she did ever give me that hope though, that would be tough to ignore.
Pinn, you are fairly new to this. Give it time and see what happens.
It is hard ignoring her advances, but you have to learn the difference to being indifferent and uncaring. I still care about her, she attempts to temp check me from time to time and I usually have gotten quite good at telling when she is. I still keep my guard up, I still tell her as little as possible about my life and about all she get's out of me these days as for compliments (which I used to drown her in) is "You look nice" once in a while. That is it.
Everyone is hitting it on the head.
Whenever my WW would say "This is why I want a divorce" it would like a kick to the gut. I would buckle, beg and plead that it can be better. It wasn't until I started agreeing with her did I notice a change in her. Whenever she would say things like that, I would say "You are right, our relationship is broken." Did I mean it? Nope, but it shook her up.
A wise play write (that is one of my very favourite) says much better than I can:
"To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man."
Be authentic in your words.
V
The superior good man is like water.
Just as water enlivens all living creatures and never contests with them,
dwelling in places disdained by others,
So the superior good man is prepared to situate himself where
nobody wants.
In this way he is close to the Dao.
Make where you live a good place,
Make your mind a mind of depth,
Give your benevolence indiscriminately to others, Speak the truth always,
Govern well,
Work well,
To set in motion the good times,
Such is the way to live without contesting with others. Such is the man free from complaints and anguish.
From Lao
V
EyeTie,
I care about my wife more than anything. I know what you mean.
Do you want to be back with her? I know you mentioned that you are not sure earlier. What is the sign that you are waiting for and how do you know she is just temp checking rather than being sincere? How can she prove it to you? I am asking to learn. Reading your thread, reminds a lot of previous break ups with my wife (gf then) and I obviously did not learn enough. If my wife were sending me those types of signals, I would definitely crumple.
EyeTie,
I care about my wife more than anything. I know what you mean.
Do you want to be back with her? I know you mentioned that you are not sure earlier. What is the sign that you are waiting for and how do you know she is just temp checking rather than being sincere? How can she prove it to you? I am asking to learn. Reading your thread, reminds a lot of previous break ups with my wife (gf then) and I obviously did not learn enough. If my wife were sending me those types of signals, I would definitely crumple.
Honestly, Pinn... I do not know if I want her back. There has been so much damage, lies, hurt and foulness between us over the last year. I don't know if I can get over it or ever trust her.
As for proving it, I have given her a list a long time ago of what she would have to do to prove it that she wants a future with me. It was right before she left. The list has things like losing one of her longterm friends (girl is a bad influence, goes to the bar with an overnight bag). That she would have to be open and honest. Things like that.
As for temp checking, I was out of town for the weekend with the kids and my sorta-girlfriend along with her daughter. The WW showed up uninvited to my house to see the kids. She made a comment about us moving away together or something, to just get my reaction. In the end I just dismissed it and kept moving forward with the conversation. She is used to me jumping to spend time with her, talk to her, etc. That is the old me. The new me is quite happy with my life.
I don't know if I can get over it or ever trust her.
I hope I didn't read this out of context...but no matter if you ever want o get back together with her or not you are going to need to be able to get over this and forgive her. I know it can't be right now, but eventually it needs to happen for you to truly move on with your life.
Let me rephrase it Zephyr. I do forgive her, I am over it, but the trust is gone. Even now, almost 10 months after D-Day, I still am a bit raw and believe almost nothing of what she says.
Eyetie,
I have been reading your situation and I was initially feeling this sentiment of " go eye tie. Your wife was unfaithful, you met someone else and now she wants you back". Something that I have admittedly fantasized about when I'm feeling very hurt.
But then if I am not mistaken, I read that you had actually had affairs first. Is this true? What is the difference in your mind? Why and how did she forgive you? Did she actually forgive you? Are there double standards? Do you ever look back and consider what she must have went through at the time? If you expected her to trust you again why is it that you cannot?
Eye,
I enjoy catching up on you. I guess I really dont have anything to say but i am rooting for you in either direction you choose. I know i am not close to where you are feeling but if i have to get there then t is what it is. thank you for inspiration.
ET, Julie has really hit where I was going here. Learning to trust again must first have true forgiveness...you say you are over it but are still raw sometimes...it appears that you may not have gotten over things like you think. She likely never did either.
I also noticed that it seems like you both were using the threat of infidelity to hurt and perhaps control one another? Early in your situation when she was about to leave, you mentioned to her that you had found someone else. Could This have set her into a panic, remembering the past hurts?
As an outsider, I feel like you guys are perhaps just developing a big unhealthy cycle and not truly implementing techniques to save a marriage and family, but to move on and cause as much hurt as possible. It seems like both of you might just be self medicating at this point, but on different time lines.
As someone reading in, to me your situation seems to be one of the most hopeful stories I have come across. There seems to be a lot of passion and love between the two of you. The problems seem to be that you are both afraid of getting hurt and are thus doing anything you can to protect yourselves, instead of each other. You are still posting here, so I am assuming it's because on some level you want things to work? what are some of the benefits that there would be with reconciliation? how would you feel at this point if she truly moved on?
Wow... didn't expect the responses.
I had an EA several years ago. Reason being is she was threatening divorce back then. Every 2 years or so she would threaten it and then change her mind. Also at the time we were stressed out due to life's complications.
I went to a shrink, we attended marriage counseling and I cut off all ties with the other woman. I never would have left my wife for her, was never even a thought. It was more so getting the attention I didn't get at home.
So she would have to do similar tactics to prove it's what she wanted. Namely her best friend would have to go. The girl has been an issue since the minute she came around.
Do I want to get back together with my WW? I don't really think so. During this separation I have discovered a lot about myself and what I want out of life. She no longer really fits that category.
As someone reading in, to me your situation seems to be one of the most hopeful stories I have come across. There seems to be a lot of passion and love between the two of you. The problems seem to be that you are both afraid of getting hurt and are thus doing anything you can to protect yourselves, instead of each other. You are still posting here, so I am assuming it's because on some level you want things to work? what are some of the benefits that there would be with reconciliation? how would you feel at this point if she truly moved on?
I wouldn't go that far and say we can't work past our issues for fear of being hurt. It's kind of funny. Since our separation we have both been heading for the same goals. New careers, both work out, both spend more time with the kids, both want to go to same places on vacations, etc. Yet we are still different.
I would be fine if she moved on. I think there would be a ping of sadness, but at the end of the day I think it would be fine.
Wow. I guess i totally misinterpreted it. Sorry. I am really happy for you then and will continue to read your story as a success and inspiration. You are the LBS that kind of became the WAS (and I mean that in a good way). Something I think many of us fantasize about.
I hope you keep posting.
Thank you JulieH.
It wasn't all butterflies and rainbows to get me to this point. It took a lot of work to get me here. Plenty of nights were spent crying, praying and dreaming of a life with her again. But the longer this went on, the more lies that were exposed, the more I gal'd, the more I realized that I was ready to move forward. There is a line from a movie called The Crow. "It can't rain all the time" and that is what we all have to realize. That the pain does fade, that the clouds lift and the sun can shine again. It just takes time, it takes patience and it takes a lot of reflecting to get there.
When my WW and I first started dating, we were making crap for money. Neither of us really were doing anything that would be a career, we struggled. Soon though she went back to school (I followed) and she found a new career path where she soon was making just over 6 figures. When she got to that point, her attitude changed. She treated our friends like crap. She treated everyone like they were beneath her. She even yelled at a cashier at Trader Joe's and called them the "help" when the cashier wouldn't let my WW have her way. I always was behind her, apologizing to everyone for her pissy attitude. Be it to our friends, my family, her family or even my childrens nanny. She no longer has that, since we split up she lost that job and had a very hard time finding another. She now makes substantially less than she did 6 months ago. Several of "our" friends want nothing to do with her, due to her attitude and the way she treats people. I realized that by me making excuses, I was enabling her behavior, I no longer am there to play clean up. And I think that she is having a hard time being accountable for her actions.
I don't want to be with someone like that.
This last weekend I took the newer GF out of town and she met some friends of mine who are older (their son is a good friend, they are like second parents to me, they have known me for 20+ years and met every girl I have ever dated). Their review on the new girl was outstanding, that she was sweet, charming, kind, etc. That they liked her more than any other girl I had ever dated and said that for the first time in a long time I was happy.
That really hit me hard. I didn't realize how unhappy I was with my ex over the last few years. She claims she was miserable, but I think I was worse. I spent the majority of my days trying to walk on ice with her, where the smallest issue would turn into a huge fight. If I didn't cook what she wanted for dinner, do the laundry, etc, she would blow up and storm around the house screaming. I lived like that for 3-4 years, just doing whatever it took to make her happy. I think that was my problem when she left because I did so much for her and sadly I still do. But those days are over, she knows it and is now in "desperation mode". She finally realizes that it's no longer her call to get back together, that I do not want her back or the "newer" her back.
If I can do it so can you. Be strong, know that there is happiness out there, you just have to work to get it. It can't rain all the time...
I have just read your thread and it gives me a lot of hope,
I worry what life will be like for me without her and how our children will take this
You truley are amazing and have come a long way
Take care
Ghost
Ghost, it's hard. It can be a battle. But this forum, the list, the books, etc can really help out in the long run. You have the tools to make it better, go for it!
Spent a few hours today with the WW. We laughed, joked, went shopping and did some house work at the old house. When I first got to the old house she was in a mood, so I gave her a hug. While hugging her she said "Ok, that's enough, I am going to start crying..." This house was our dream home, it was where we planned to grow old together and now it's empty and about to be put up for sale. I just said "I get it, maybe a good cry is what you need..." and she followed with "I don't cry anymore, I spent years crying about my life, now I am happy!" and said it with such conviction that I ALMOST believed her.
At one point she poked me and I chased her around the house, jokingly. I caught her and she was against the door, her hands grabbed mine above her head and I stared in her eyes. For a few seconds I was about to move into a kiss (which she was expecting), instead I let her go and backed up.
Soon after that, she got into it with me about me separating things. Meaning, she isn't invited to the Birthday party for my daughter, holidays with my family, etc. She wasn't amused by this, but I refuse to let her be a cake eater. So while she was in another room I left without saying a word.
Everyone who knows her or us says that she is conflicted, that she is upset about me dating someone (even though she has a BF) and that it's all becoming so much more real to her.
I don't know how you do it man... How you can resist it is inspiring. I hope to get that chance to resist.
I don't know how you do it man... How you can resist it is inspiring. I hope to get that chance to resist.
Pinn, it's not that hard really for me at this point. I love her, but I refuse to get back on the roller coaster with her. I know she is having problems, but I will not be her friend or "part time" family member.
For years I walked on ice with her, anything that I said/did that she did not like, would turn into a giant fight. She is upset mostly these days because I refuse to engage in fighting with her. Anytime she starts picking one, I just walk away, hang up the phone or say something like "nope, not happening" and change the subject. I do not live by her rules or let her make decisions that affect my life. She is realizing quickly that she has little to no power over me and it's driving her crazy.
I don't know how you do it man... How you can resist it is inspiring. I hope to get that chance to resist.
Pinn, it's not that hard really for me at this point. I love her, but I refuse to get back on the roller coaster with her. I know she is having problems, but I will not be her friend or "part time" family member.
The fact that it is not hard is what is inspiring. I think I am doing OK but if I was in that same situation you describe, the result would have been very different. Keep on keeping on!
I agree with pin about having different results at the stage I'm at. I would have prolly been toungue deep in her throat! Haha All joking aside it would have been hard to be holding her hands, looking into her eyes and not go in for a kiss...
Thanks! I do believe that it's just temp checking on her part more than anything. Every single time something like that happens and I pull away, it just shows her that I am done.
Hi eye tie
I really like reading your situation. Especially this big part of me that seeks Hollywood justice. It sounds like there is still some love and passion there, but it also sounds like you may be right. She is trying to figure out a way to regain her control over you. Why is she saying things like that to you when she has a boyfriend????
You are doing amazing at this. I'm going to reread your thread (even though our situations are a bit different). Can I ask you how you were able to detach? It seems like you did a lot of GAL (difficult for me cause of kids) . But there is a mental component to it as well, that I'm trying to figure out.
Did you make mistakes with her within first couple of months of BD?
Do you think that WAS can sense true detachment from faking it.? Do you feel like Your dating someone pushed things along faster? (Something I am not ready for, and would not do cause I don't think or have proof there is infidelity on his part but just curious).
Thanks Julie!
Julie, thank you for the compliments.
The first few months I was a wreck. This hit me like a ton of bricks, we were getting along fine (in my opinion), we had just gotten back from a very over due trip together and were planning our next trip. Then BOOM. She denied an affair (lie), she denied lying about her where abouts (lie), she denied everything saying she was just done. In the end, everything came to fruit because she got sloppy.
I begged, cried, pleaded and whined for her to come back. I sent flowers, wrote poems, tried to spend time together as a "family", looked at pictures, you name it, I did it. In the end I started reading the books and practicing certain techniques. I gal'd like my life depended on it (it did) and focused on myself and the kids over her. I deleted her on FB when she moved out (V-Day, came home to an empty house), quit talking to any of her friends and moved forward in life. It was tough to do, I cried a lot. But slowly I would go a few hours without thinking about her, then a few days, then all of a sudden she didn't pop up at all.
I do love her, we do have passion for one another, but sometimes love isn't enough. Sometimes the hurt can't be fixed. Sometimes you have to move on and cut your loses.
I do believe she can sense me detaching, but she lives in a dream world. Even though I have been dating here and there, she didn't think I was moving on. Instead she convinced herself that I was pining for her after all this time. Now she realizes it's not the case and is having a hard time with it. One of Sandi's rules say to agree that the marriage is terrible, which I did (after months of begging) and I KNOW that flipped her attitude around. Because I spent months saying different. At first I didn't think that it would be possible to do so, because I didn't agree with it. But I now realize that it's also a tactic to get you through it. Say it enough and you will believe it.
You are fairly new to this, the biggest thing that I have learned is to breathe, think about what you want to say before you do it AND make sure that the kids do not suffer.
Eyeytie is basically living my wet dream at the moment. I just want some temp checking so I can resist it. I followed many of the same things he has and I am def getting there. Deleting her on FB is just huge along with the no contact. I def think about her everyday but it is less and less for sure. I am starting to look at women in a different way now too... which is both scary and intriguing.
ITie is doing ok, but is it really DB? Going out and getting some isn't really dbing right? Unless it is, in which case, I got some calls to make.
ITie is doing ok, but is it really DB? Going out and getting some isn't really dbing right? Unless it is, in which case, I got some calls to make.
While my situation isn't really DB, DB got me to this point. I never wanted to lose my wife, but through DB I found a new life that I am happy with. I have new hobbies, friends and a new girl in my life. 10 months ago, I thought my life was over, I thought that I would never get better. It took me a long time to get here, but I am happier now than I have been in years.
Just another update...
Things are going great in my life for the most part. The WW is really having a hard time with things, she finds a reason to text/call every day. Sometimes I respond, sometimes I don't. She is dating a new guy, the kids have not met him yet and I really am fine with it.
I am still GALing, I am still reading the books and I am still posting here. Granted, my motives have changed from saving my marriage to saving myself, there is still a lot of lessons to learn and practice from this site/books.
Hi EyeTie. Sorry if you previously mentioned (I haven't read your whole story yet) but are you legally separated or just living apart and W thinks its okay to date?
Jpeg, we are living apart since February.
She was dating in early January, I tried it and it didn't take at first. I spent a few months in the dumps worried about getting her back and then GAL'd like a maniac. At this point I am dating and so is she. If you can't tell, I am really not in favor of saving my marriage anymore, I realized how miserable I was with her and how awful she really is.
ITie is doing ok, but is it really DB? Going out and getting some isn't really dbing right? Unless it is, in which case, I got some calls to make.
While my situation isn't really DB, DB got me to this point. I never wanted to lose my wife, but through DB I found a new life that I am happy with. I have new hobbies, friends and a new girl in my life. 10 months ago, I thought my life was over, I thought that I would never get better. It took me a long time to get here, but I am happier now than I have been in years.
There comes a point where you have to say am I done waiting? Am I going to risk not taking the next opportunity to meet a np?
It was in reality 2 years almost when I met my np, from when h started the a as best as I can work out.
Was I done putting my intimate life on hold for something that may never happen? Yeap by then we'll and truely.
Could things be different with xh2, I doubt it.
For the following reasons
He cannot accept his wrongs or contributions
Doesn't take respsonabilty
Lies
Still with ow
Has not contacted ever.
Refused to acknowledge r.
Talked disrespectfully via L only just months ago
He is not changing his patterns of behiavours
So would you put your life and chance at a np on hold at 45?
ITie is doing ok, but is it really DB? Going out and getting some isn't really dbing right? Unless it is, in which case, I got some calls to make.
While my situation isn't really DB, DB got me to this point. I never wanted to lose my wife, but through DB I found a new life that I am happy with. I have new hobbies, friends and a new girl in my life. 10 months ago, I thought my life was over, I thought that I would never get better. It took me a long time to get here, but I am happier now than I have been in years.
There comes a point where you have to say am I done waiting? Am I going to risk not taking the next opportunity to meet a np?
It was in reality 2 years almost when I met my np, from when h started the a as best as I can work out.
Was I done putting my intimate life on hold for something that may never happen? Yeap by then we'll and truely.
Could things be different with xh2, I doubt it.
For the following reasons
He cannot accept his wrongs or contributions
Doesn't take respsonabilty
Lies
Still with ow
Has not contacted ever.
Refused to acknowledge r.
Talked disrespectfully via L only just months ago
He is not changing his patterns of behiavours
So would you put your life and chance at a np on hold at 45?
That is exactly it! My WW and I lived a bit on the humble side of life, she got into a career that took off and went from making 50K to 110K a year very quickly. Once she got that raise, she started treating EVERYONE beneath her. Like they didn't deserve to be treated the same.
Over the last 10 months, I have heard from people that she claims that...
1. I faked cancer (even though several people were around)
2. That I was physically abusive (Never happened)
3. That I was emotionally abusive (I never with held affection).
4. That I was mentally abusive (this is from a person who would throw a tantrum about dinner not being what she wanted).
5. That I was the one having the affair (even though everyone has pretty much figured it out).
6. That I was a horrible father (yet she texts me often telling me how great of a father I am).
7. That I am a sociopath (I don't even know where to begin with this one).
8. That I was abusive to my children (they will even tell her that they prefer me to her).
9. That I was lazy (I worked but it was mostly part time, it was cheaper for us.)
10. Pretty much you name it, she has said it.
Now, I know her well enough to know that she has painted herself into a corner with people. Because if she ever says that she wants to get back together, several people will list the reasons above as to why she shouldn't. It would mean she would lose face. Even back in during the ILYBNILY talk, she said "What would people say if we got back together", which at the time caught me off guard. Now it all makes sense to me.
I waited, prayed and cried long enough for her. I realize that I don't want her back, I liked the idea of it more than the reality. No one should go through what I went through with her, I feel bad for the next guy she is dating. He will find out soon enough.
Now, as for my current girlfriend, yes, I said girlfriend, she is incredible. Completely opposite of my WW. It took me a while to get comfortable with her, it took me a while to get comfortable of the idea of starting over. But I am very happy I did.
Eyetie
I'm not making any judgement. ( if I found out my husband was with other women I would feel and probably react very similar as you). But my question is, do you think there is a difference between how you view your marriage right now and how many of the wayward spouses view their marriages?
Is there anything your wife would be able to do to win you back? If she implemented the dbing techniques herself would that work on you?
The major difference I see is that your wife was unfaithful and many of the LBS on this board were not. So that must be taken into consideration of course. But obviously us LBS did something to hurt WAS enought to make them leave marriages with children right?
That list of ten was my xh2 list of complaints against me.
Add crazee and mentally ill.
But his actions he assaulted my son, his step son. With no reason given and made me the bad guy in that.
If you read behivours that signify abuse he checked every box, word salad for nearly an hour that I bough hemeriod suppositories not cream for example.
Stalking places I posted on the Internet.
Keeping tabs via others on me at work.
Threats and a loaded guns in the bedroom and house..
His list I have now worked out pure protection on his part.
The how I view my xh2 is as a very very damaged man. I'm sad for him really sad.
Things won't be as he thinks given I see a pattern from his xw1 to me and see him re creating it with ow.
I waited quiet some time before heading out looking in the dating sense and didn't really look to hard.
What I see now and I suspect eye is the same, xh2 never put my needs first but the public show of doing so was important. This was early on about a year or so in. Even before that he told the L that server all trips he went on were break ups? Wtf?
Those trips he did tell of woman who travelled and met up with him a few times... So I suspect he always cheated or thought about it.
My needs and being first is awesome. Bf is very much good at making you feel like I matter, xh2 was always reverse in a subtle way.
That's an example ^ of some times how things can always just be a certain way in either good or bad way.
Xh2 was a very big game player, which I didn't really understand untill now when I look back. He pushed any boundaries very deliberately till things tipped his way. The whole on again off again he instigated it or forced your hand. If you refused to part take he just left.
He too would have to eat a huge humble pie to even think about db, it's contrary to everything he believes in. He simply doesn't believe people cannot be forced to do things. In his world no such thing as free will. His small mind would simply explode.
It would be a good thing for him to db, but he didn't see we needed counselling just me as I was broken. He would have to confront too many deamons and repair far to much.
It's unlikely, but given the sort of person I am, in a way I have made some personal in my head commitments to bf, which kind of negates any r. At this stage.
But being in the smitten stage yes, I do understand how they can just walk, not completely but I can see how you could be.
I do understand the drug type references used here. I now more than ever understand that intense high and that not wanting to look back. It's the major breech of trust while in the r, I think it could be different if the r was over and they moved on. Then came back together, the trust factor was broken.
The next time something walks past, mmmm would they jump ship? Would be always in my mind.
Eyetie
I'm not making any judgement. ( if I found out my husband was with other women I would feel and probably react very similar as you). But my question is, do you think there is a difference between how you view your marriage right now and how many of the wayward spouses view their marriages?
My WW has a very skewed view on our marriage. She acts like it was all horrible, from point A to B. Honestly, every other year she would talk about wanting a divorce. We would work on things, then a year or so later she would say the same thing. When she hit me with it back in December, I figured it was just another false flag. BUT every so often she will talk about our relationship in a positive light, but mostly it's negative. I on the other hand do NOT act like that. Sure we had bad times, but it wasn't always bad.
Is there anything your wife would be able to do to win you back? If she implemented the dbing techniques herself would that work on you?
Meh, I am not sure. She can try the techniques but it would mean she would have to admit some faults. I have forgiven her, but at the end of the day, it just doesn't sound like something I would want to do. I gave her a list a long time ago and she has done a few things on the list, but in the end, I doubt she will. She rarely if ever will admit she is the one with the problem.
The major difference I see is that your wife was unfaithful and many of the LBS on this board were not. So that must be taken into consideration of course. But obviously us LBS did something to hurt WAS enought to make them leave marriages with children right?
I disagree. I think the problem is that relationships take work, they are hard. I may not have been the best husband in the world, but at the end of the day I do not think it was ever as bad as she claims it was. WAS's usually walk due to some outside encouragement. Rarely is it "I've had all I can take", reading peoples welcome threads almost always scream "WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR" and they tend to not want to believe it until things are past the breaking point.
[color:#66FFFF][/color]. WAS's usually walk due to some outside encouragement. Rarely is it "I've had all I can take", reading peoples welcome threads almost always scream "WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR" and they tend to not want to believe it until things are past the breaking point.
Boy I think this is totally what happened in my case. OW kept telling him "you are miserable why don't you leave". The whole time he was telling me " we are better than ever"
Boy I think this is totally what happened in my case. OW kept telling him "you are miserable why don't you leave". The whole time he was telling me " we are better than ever"
My WW was the same way. A month before she said she wanted a divorce we were looking at a vacation house in a different state. Her best friend was a horrible influence in our R, I know she encouraged us splitting up. I think it's common with the lbs to be so upset, because everything appears to be ok, then BOOM! Punch to the gut...
Appears to be okay? My H was telling me we were better than ever and we had already bought and spent the year renovating our retirement vacation place. Now he is having sex with OW up there
Appears to be okay? My H was telling me we were better than ever and we had already bought and spent the year renovating our retirement vacation place. Now he is having sex with OW up there
I am not sure when my WW started talking to the OM, I think it was shortly after we got back from our trip. She went out Halloween with some girlfriends and didn't come home until 3 am, I think she met him that night, although I do not believe anything happened that night, but soon after it may have.
I have been thinking a lot lately about my M and how it failed. One thing I have said here and have really realized is that I DID love my wife, I didn't love my marriage. We fought and rarely resolved anything. We didn't see eye to eye on several avenues. We didn't really get along that great. Maybe we grew a part, maybe not.
When she hit me with the divorce, I thought it was her I really wanted. As time went on, I am slowly realizing that I wasn't happy and hadn't been for a long time. That it wasn't so much my WW that I wanted, it was that security, that stability of knowing she was there for me. Almost like a child needs that favorite toy for comfort, that is what she was to me. Even after the affairs, the lies, the bs, I still craved her, I still felt like I needed her in my life to keep going forward. I now realize mostly, was that I was scared. That for the first time in 10 years I was alone. That I was terrified of what the future would bring. It wasn't her, it wasn't my marriage or any of it that I needed. What I needed was to conquer my fear. Getting a life really helped me, I preach about it regularly here.
I often view other members intros, sometimes I comment, sometimes I don't. I often wonder if it's their marriage they are afraid of losing or the "life" they have grown so accustomed to. If they are afraid of the future alone, like I was. If that is what is motivating them to save their marriage.
I realize my WW was a complete mess. That she was controlling. That she was/is immature. That she is self absorbed and uncaring for other people. That she is no one I want to spend the rest of my life with. That I lived walking on egg shells and worried about what might set her off next. That I held out hope that she might change (probably like she did for me) and go back to being the woman I fell in love with. But I know that her bitterness will never go away. That she will always put me low on the ladder in her life. That I was more or less someone to accompany her on the ride instead of riding alongside.
I don't know why I decided to go on this long ramble, I really just had to get this off my chest. I appreciate all of you who have commented or followed my situation. If I can help just one person get through this, then my life is complete. Be well DB'ers.
I understand the need to just spill it. This forum is such an invaluable tool! I appreciate the way you're there, providing support and guidance for others while traveling this awful path yourself.
I feel sad, though, that you've come to the realization you have. Not all threads will be success stories, but we all want ours to be one. At least you sound positive in your assessment.
My struggle is that my H was really once one of the greatest men I've ever met. Kind, gentle, strong, compassionate...where all that has gone, I can't answer. I just hope if I stand long enough and believe in him, when he's clearly moving away from whom he used to be, I will be able to guide him back to himself. Some days I doubt my strength, but I think the man I love is in there somewhere.
So for me...not really fear of being alone - Don't relish the idea, but could thrive if I had to. I really, truly miss the man I married. So feel free to give me a word of advice or a kick in the pants when I need it.
I'm grateful for you.
I disagree. I think the problem is that relationships take work, they are hard. I may not have been the best husband in the world, but at the end of the day I do not think it was ever as bad as she claims it was. WAS's usually walk due to some outside encouragement. Rarely is it "I've had all I can take", reading peoples welcome threads almost always scream "WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR" and they tend to not want to believe it until things are past the breaking point.
I am so worried that you might be right. My husband is not the type and has assured me repeatedly that there is no other women. (I know that everyone says that). For me, ow is my boundary and I can guarantee that he would be dead to me. My marriage was never good enough to forgive something like that, so if I knew I would move on like you and not look back. The problem is, I don't know. He has other issues...I'm pretty sure alcoholism, and ocd and some health issues (IBS and cardiac problems). that really seems to impair his life. But then again, the signs are all there that there is something not right and maybe ow. I have no way of knowing. When I talk to him I believe him in my gut (he was always honest) but when I don't talk to him and see the signs it shows affair, although he always had weird behaviors even when we first dated due to the ocd.
Why would he just not tell me? Maybe he is devious enough to know not to rock the boat so I don't demand the financials I'm entitled to. Have you ever seen a mlc where there was no other person?
Quite a few things have been going on lately.
First and foremost, I have been beating my head against the wall trying to figure out why my WW is holding up this divorce. Found out last week it's because when we separated, we set aside 5K in an account to pay for the mediation and any other expenses. I guess only 1000 of it made it to the mediator and the rest of it was spent by my WW on who-knows-what. Since she was fired recently, money is tight on her end and she can not repay said amount. She instead things we should opt for one of those 300 dollar online divorce things, not so sure about that.
Which brings us to today. I was at our old house working on things, still trying to get it prepped to sell. She came over to help. While we were doing things, our current "relationships" were brought up. She asked about "J" and I inquired a little about here newest BF. Oddly, I wasn't jealous, upset or even emotional about it, it was almost like there has been some tension and it was relieved. We realized we needed a few things from the store and grabbed lunch together. At the hardware store, she kept putting her arm in mine, I would put my arm around her shoulder, etc. I think we just wandered around enjoying those fleeting moments. At one point I stopped her, kissed her on her forehead and then pretended to kiss her, while she turned her head laughing the whole time.
We talked about our relationship and what it was lacking. We talked about our children and their futures. We talked about ourselves without coming off being condescending. In the end, it was actually a great day. I know she was temp checking a little, but so was I. Today was one of those days which reminded me of what I loved about her. No fighting, no screaming, no accusations. Just two people enjoying one anothers company. I was almost sad to see it end.
I saw several instances where you said you would go to lunch with her or dinner with kids. Was this initiated by you? What effects did it have on how you felt about things?
Did you text her often? Or was it all her?
I only ask because my ww has rarely texted And never asked to spend time together in almost 2 months.
I may be reading it wrong and you seem to have moved on, but I see hope in your wife by the way you describe your interactions. I wish I had the chance to even make the decision of denying her.
When we do talk she smiles a lot we laugh. But it always ends with her crying over why I couldn't change sooner or me not giving enough of myself to her.
Honestly, for the first few months we fought a lot. By month 5 of our separation we started to get along. We both are guarded a bit with one another, but we text almost daily now. Usually it's about the kids but sometimes it's about what is going on in life.
We were best friends for several years before we started dating. So it's hard for both of us to "detach" from that. When something good/bad happens in life we usually call the other first. Heck, when she got fired a few weeks ago she called me sobbing, I talked to her for a bit and told her I loved her. She said it back. It wasn't like "I love you. Let's get back together" more of a reminder that I do still care about her and she cares right back. Just as a couple we were not a good match in the end. We lost that spark and grew apart. It's tragic, it's sad, it does happen. Frankly, I wish I would have read DR/DB a year or two ago. It probably would have helped save my marriage.
Figured I would throw another update into the mix.
Monday, my WW, my S, my D and myself all went to my D's dance class. While my D was in class, my S was working on his homework. My WW spent the majority of the time harping on him for not doing things correctly. I finally said something which caused my WW to get up and walk away because she "couldn't stand the sight of me". All through this, a gal was sitting about 5 feet away and kept looking at me. She was cute, my age and has been there a few times. Believe me, I noticed her.
After the class was ending, my WW jumped in her car while I buckled the kids into her car. She took off without even so much as a goodbye. I walked over to my car and the blonde was buckling her daughter into her vehicle, on the way to my door she said "Hey, I am going out on a limb here...ex wife?" I just nodded and said "yup..." she followed with "I have seen you at every class, I see how you interact with your kids, you are way too good of a guy to be with that B!tch." Got in her car, smiled and left. Talk about a feather in my cap.
Later that night my WW text saying that she was 100% sure that we will never get back together. I replied "Good, I don't want you back." which did not receive a reply.
I hope all you DBers are doing well.
Hi Eyetie, can I ask - do you hope that you and your WW may reconcile still?
From your post above, a couple of things jumped out at me:
You saying something which caused your WW to not 'stand the sight of' you
You texting your W saying 'good I don't want you back.'
These contrast with your shopping trip in a few posts back, which sounded so loving.
So, my questions are - what do you want? And why are you being so reactive towards your WW??
I hope I don't cause offense - truly I don't mean to...but it strikes me that you could change the dynamic of your sitch with your behaviour if that's what you want to do.
Take care my friend xx
Hi Eyetie, can I ask - do you hope that you and your WW may reconcile still?
From your post above, a couple of things jumped out at me:
[quote=Sotto]You saying something which caused your WW to not 'stand the sight of' you
She saw that I was happy and joking around. Seeing me happy makes her very upset these days. Especially when she is going through a difficult time. She often will say things like that if I am in a great mood and she isn't.
You texting your W saying 'good I don't want you back.'
For the last 10 months, she has gone to anyone who will listen and claim that I am trying to get her back. A few months ago or so, she finally realized it. Before when she would say "We are never getting back together" I would follow it with "We will see" or "Who knows". Thinking a somewhat positive reaction was the best answer, now I just confirm it and respond with "Good".
These contrast with your shopping trip in a few posts back, which sounded so loving.
The shopping trip was great. It was a fluke though. Kind of like talking about a memory that you don't want to lose. Neither of us really hate one another, she can act like it, but the truth is I don't hate her and I know she doesn't hate me. So it was more out of comfort than anything.
So, my questions are - what do you want? And why are you being so reactive towards your WW??
In a nut shell, what I would want is for us to be a family again. BUT not with her acting the way she does, she has always treated people poorly. She talks down on people. She is immature, she throws temper tantrums and often says horrible things she doesn't mean. BUT I know the real her, the majority of it is just a defense mechanism more than anything.
I do hold out a little hope that one day she will wake up and go "Hmmm" but at the end of the day I am not sure it will ever happen. As the days go forward, she gets more nasty and bitter. Would I ever be opposed to a reconcile? No. Would it be something I would jump into? Nope. Is it what I want right now? Not really. She would have to prove to me that she wants it as badly as I once did.
I hope I don't cause offense - truly I don't mean to...but it strikes me that you could change the dynamic of your sitch with your behaviour if that's what you want to do.
Take care my friend xx
Even now I still take care of her, I meet several of her emotional needs on some level. When she has a bad day, good news, etc I am usually one of the first people she calls up. Although I have been pushing it back a bit and have started to not offer it as much as I once did.
I think I just want to be happy and I feel like I am, I feel like life is going in the direction I want it to. Be it with her or without her.
Eyetie
love love love reading your post! Hope you will keep updating. Seems like your ex has a lot of work to do on herself and will hopefully one day realize it. She is obviously really hurting right now.
I learned from your sitch, that if there is any possible way of WAS coming back we have to truly be detached, to the point of not really wanting them back. They can sense it too. I also learned by reading your perspective as a husband , that tempted as I am to make comments or throw " truth darts" or show any bitterness and spite (so hard not to in this situation) I am best off just being nice As possible and showing myself in good light. While I feel justified to do the former, it will only make me look bad and prove him right. Sometimes I feel like being nice makes me look weak but reading this makes me realize different.
although I have to say in my case I don't thing R is really going to happen anyway. Our marriage hasn't had what your marriage seemed to have (passion and affection) for a long time and my husband is not the type that would ever initiate anyway. But thank you for continuing to post even while your in good place! It's great having positive things to read.
JulieH
If my situation can help just one person through theirs, then it's all worth it to me.
My STBEW and I do get along for the most part. We went to lunch on Monday together, just her and I. We laughed, joked, I talked about my life and a few trips that I am planning (Disneyworld with the kids this January) and she told me about a few that she is planning. I know she is jealous of my newer GF (J and I are getting more serious and exclusively dating) and I know about her boyfriend P. I am not jealous of him in the least, my WW is a handful and sadly he doesn't see her enough to realize it.
I always thought it would take her completely hitting rock bottom for us to make it work. For her to be humble enough to want to give it a second chance. BUT I realize that she does have some serious mental issues, she doesn't know how to treat people anymore. She treats everyone like they are beneath her and then gets mad when people stand up for themselves.
For years I followed behind her making up excuses, which just made the problem worse because she lacked any accountability for her actions. Since our split, I have stopped doing so, which has changed a lot in her life. Now she has to answer for herself and it pisses her off.
A year ago, I never thought I would be where I am now. I never thought we would have been split up. I never though I would be living where I live. I never thought I would be working where I am. I never thought I would be dating J. But instead of fearing change, I slowly embraced it. It all started with the GALing. My thought is that if you keep doing the same thing over and over, you will get the same results, mix it up a bit.
For example. Tuesday next week, J and I are doing a "Wine & Art" class, I am looking forward to it. It's something my WW wanted to do, but never really put the initiative into it with me. Then on Friday J and I are going to take off out of town together, just her and I. My kids will be with my WW and her daughter will be with her Dad. We never do that, the kids are always around. I am not sure where we are going, what we are going to do, but I know it will be fun. That type of stuff was always lost on my WW, she had to have a game plan, there had to be a list, there couldn't be anything spontaneous or it was melt down time.
Life can get better. It just takes a lot of self reflection and realizing how strong you can be. For the longest time I wanted my WW back, but looking back on it, I realize I wanted the comfort of my M back not so much her. Then again, I do miss her at times, but it's fleeting fast. Her and I text almost every day, we still laugh and talk about the past. I refuse to be a bitter scorned ex (and I think even that pisses her off). I know of at least two guys she cheated on me with, one before D-Day, the other after. I know where they work, live, everything. The old me would have confronted them, or harassed them until they left my WW alone. But after a few nights of thinking about it, I figured why? Why bother? As much as I want to blame them for her actions, I really can't. It was her choice to cross those lines, it was her choice to cheat, it was her choice to leave. Not theirs, they could have encouraged it, but she is the one to blame. As I said, I am tired of making excuses.
Some time ago, J asked me if I would ever go back to my WW. I think she wanted reassurance that I was done and this is what I told her.
"In January, when we were still living together, I was in the downstairs bedroom. I was diagnosed with terminal stomach cancer, I was throwing up in a bucket almost every night. I would lay in bed, crying, praying to a God that I was unsure of existing, hoping that just once she might come downstairs to see how I was doing. To see if I needed anything. To comfort me when I needed her more than anything in the world. She never came. I wouldn't do that to my worst enemy, let alone someone I loved (or once loved), she did it to me. I may forgive her, but I will never forget that loneliness, despair and depression that I lived through in those weeks before she moved out." J understood right away and hasn't doubted me since.
Goodluck JulieH, thank you for responding to my sit.
EyeTie, thanks for that last post, its helped me also. Ill be honest and admit something, for a long time reading your posts I had the opinion you went a bit too far with your interactions and dating. To me, it just seemed like you were being cold but I realize now that's not exactly it. I realize now you are basically at the point of moving on from W and might not really take her back anyway and that's the point that's helped me some, ill explain in a second. I read about some others on here dating and while I see its appeal at the same time I have opinions on it while still being M.(I also realize that could change for me in the future also depending on the circumstances)
Please don't take that as judging either, I realize everyone has their own feelings and opinions on this and we all have different sitchs that can effect it and I respect that. If this is what you want then I wish you the best. I would just be careful and take some time to really consider what you would do if W really wanted to make the M work, if she came back full of remorse with a full commitment to work on things and change herself and the M. I'm not saying wait for this moment because that's putting your life on hold, just be sure if it happened tomorrow you have a decent idea of what you would do, because the more and more you become serious with J the more she can be hurt also and I think she realizes it also if she asked you what you would do.
So many parts of your description of you and W connected to my thoughts. I feel W had mental issues also that she has to face one day, she is much more like her mother than she realizes. I also know how she is around people, she doesn't treat them badly but she goes neglect their needs and doesn't realize how she talks to people which can come across as offensive at times. Different, but similar to your W. I also know what I've dealt with from her over the years (caused by both of our dysfunctions) would send other guys running if they could really see. She is a handful when things don't go the way she wants. I would make excuses for W also and I did for a long time after BD also, I still do to some extent now but I try to limit it and be conservative. Much of my journey this year has been working on me and avoiding that scornful bitter ex by trying to understand W's point of view the best I can. More of it has been changing myself and who I want to be but with the final intent of having a healthy relationship with her. I know by my actions now it will need to be working toward a healthy relationship and not just having her back, I wouldn't accept just that. The major things I can say have been different is that I can see my W has tried to limit the pain inflicted on me over this year so I can see she still cares and its not just completely about her feelings. Adding in the medical issues you went through I can even imagine how that stacked up with the sitch.
Balance for me has been huge and I struggle with it in everything. I see some people on here after they move into the anger phase and they let go of doing the things that work to give the relationship a chance, mostly its patience and jumping to a new relationship too soon when they aren't read, becoming bitter and acting like an [censored] toward the S, trying to punish them. I realize I've not been doing the balance thing that well and I stay too much in the understanding W too much. I need to accept and embrace moving on with my life and the possibility of meeting someone else. Not set out to do it but just accept it more than I have in my mind. Its a much harder thing for me to actually process as I've never had any other relationship than W so while I believe I can find someone else to be happy with I have no past experience to show me how that would work. It may be that it can only understand when it happens, so I ignore the fear it might not.
I guess the roundabout about way of saying thanks for showing me I do need to slowly embrace things more than I have been. Glad to hear your doing so well with things, this may be what your W needs to change herself also and I hope she does. I believe its my W's chance to do it but I still don't know where either of us will be when that happens.
These last two post, ET's and Fogg's are extremely powerful. Thank you both for your honesty and for sharing your experiences so candidly on here.
PP
I second pp. Thank you both, it sums up what so many of us feel, fear, and are going through.
Thank you
Fogg, thank you buddy for posting. I know our journey's started around the same time and I like keeping up on your situation.
I initially started dating way too soon. It wasn't for me so I backed off and would go out casually with a few different girls. Everyone of them know my situation, most agreed that I was still a mess and I was, lol. You will know when you are ready.
My biggest issue honestly was hitting that point. Not so much giving up, but realizing that it was over and even if we put it back together, we never would have been the same. Accepting my new future without her and going from there.
I know a lot of people hate their exes, they are bitter and angry about it all. Frankly, I am not there. I refuse to allow that to happen. Simply because it would show an emotional investment in her or our marriage. Sure I do get angry at her about things, but not our failed marriage.
Getting sick really put things in perspective to me. I realized the way I was living wasn't exactly making me happy and I am sad that I wasted all of those years doing so. Instead I focused on the future. I prayed over and over for God to give me the strength to survive and heal, it happened. I live my life for my kids. I live my life for myself. I live my life.
This all can be a hard dose of reality, the best thing I can suggest (other than GALing) is self reflection and reading the books. You will learn a lot about life and yourself by doing so. As I said, getting different results means doing different actions.
I treat J much like I once treated my wife. I love cooking, so I cook for her and her daughter quite often. I send flowers to her just because. I slip notes or cards in her purse/car. All of the things my wife told me she loved about me, but for someone else who has never experienced it. At least twice a week J tells me I am amazing, it's a huge ego stroke. And frankly, I am happy. Happy for the first time in a very long time. Almost content...almost...
It still is hard at times though, honestly. Being a single parent is tough. Often I find myself stressed and doubting that I can do it. But all it takes is one giant hug from my daughter, one "Alright Dad!" from my son, one goodnight kiss from them and it's all worth it. My life is theirs and I am happy with that.
Havhope
Sometimes I wonder if I don't want to leave this marriage because I am afraid of change. Or if I'm fighting for a marriage I never really had. Or perhaps I have had such a small number of relationships and I am settling because I don't realize there can be someone better for me out there.
I am tempted to date. I feel like it would be a distraction. I feel like it would make me less angry at him for possibly (probably) being with other women if I was with another man. How could I be angry if I was doing same thing?
I am disappointed in my husband for being capable of leaving his family for his in laws to take care of and support. It demonstrates his selfishness. I am not sure if a lot of my resentment and hypercritisiscm torwards him in the past was unfair or a response to some pretty selfish behaviors as well... I understand your inability to forget about how she treated you when you were sick. I keep remembering an incident, when I was pregnant I was diagnosed with cancer and had to have it surgically removed. (Thankfully it was early stage) 2 days post surgery he was waking me up early in morning cause he wanted to sleep and needed me to watch the kids. We got into big fight and he undermined the whole experience because it was early stage (didn't know this for fact till day of surgery) . He did apologize though. I had been spotting a lot and was just so tired and had been under so much stress. (Ended up losing pregnancy) Why couldn't he just watch the kids and suck it up? I'm sure he could come up with incidences where I behaved selfishly as well though? . Or perhaps at this time he was just detached from me and really didn't care. Regardless, it's hard to really forget and I was very resentful after this and other similar instances.
I like reading your sitch, because I want husband to miss us and regret leaving and for me to have that power back just like you.
I am told by some that he is giving me an out and that this is a gift.
That is exactly it, you were given a gift of a second chance.
When my WW left, I thought my world was over. BUT I rose to the challenge and overcame every obstacle that was put in my path.
As for dating, you will know when you are ready. I had people left and right trying to set me up with their friends/sisters/etc, I turned almost all of them down. I knew I wasn't ready for anything. BUT the more I GAL'd, the more I started feeling better about the prospect of dating. At first it was awkward, I was used to already knowing almost everything about said person. I found it fun actually, but for the first few dates I was a bit...off... The biggest issue I found were too many girls wanted to rush into things and the ones that weren't were not a very good fit.
I think that's one reason I like J so much. She is instant on taking things slow, she doesn't want to rush, she doesn't want to talk about the future together, one day at a time. Which is fine with me, it's great actually, lol.
If I was in your shoes, I would consider taking a class that you have always wanted to do. See what is out there and start getting to know yourself again. That was the hardest part for me, the nights alone. When I my kids were sleeping, friends were gone and I was by myself. That was when I would start getting depressed. So I did things to make sure it didn't happen.
You will get through this and mark my words, soon enough you will not even know why you were with him in the first place.
So yes, you were given a gift. You were given a gift of a happy future. Good luck and embrace it, JulieH
Just a quick update.
Things are going great in life. I am keeping busy with work and play. J and I took off for the weekend just the two of us, no kids. It was a fun time and I really enjoy her company. It was almost a year ago that my WW asked for a divorce (quickly saying let's take a month to "work" on us) and I can't believe how good things are.
As for the WW. She has become resentful, spiteful, bitter and angry. She has been attempting to latch onto any of my friends who will talk to her. It's even gotten as bad as she started attending my church (she went about 5 times from December to February then quit all together) and attempted to tell me to find a different place of worship. She is essentially upset that I no longer care about her opinion (unless it has to do with the kids) as well as the fact that I no longer listen to anything she says.
I realize that I am the one in control now, not her. I am not trying to get back together with her and I have said that to her countless times (no matter how often she says it's the case, she is finally realizing it's not). I am not sure what the end game is going to be, I do not trust her or believe anything she says. She will attempt to be the victim and perp depending on her mood and who she is with.
She still jabs at me, most recently about J's 7 year old daughter who attends a school for the gifted. My WW started making fun of her in front of myself and my kids, I looked at her and said "Wow, you must really be proud of yourself for making fun of a beautiful, intelligent, sweet 7 year old..." She didn't respond.
It's really sad to me to see her like this. I kind of knew it would happen, be it she is jealous (she has a bf still, I think?) or realizes that she made a mistake. At the end of the day, I am happy. My kids are happy and that is all that matters to me.
Eye tie, thanks for keeping us updated.
I think that it is very hard for your wife to realize she has been replaced and feels ignored. (In my opinion the worst feeling) Hard to comprehend or empathize because she is the one that initiated all this and her motives do not seem to be out of remorse but some type of inner issue. Need for control? Challenge of getting you back from another woman?
Sounds like she is making comments about child, just to get some type of reaction from you, because something is better then nothing. Almost like a child seeking negative attention. She needs to prove to herself that she can still invoke some type of emotional response from you. I hope she gets the help she needs.
It seems like you are trying your hardest to not get dragged into this game she is playing and I commend you for it. It's a challenge to be the bigger person when someone is clearly pushing buttons. But the good thing is that you can detach and remain happy.
I reread your post about letting go of anger torwards her regarding infidelity and I am just so impressed with your refusal to succumb to bitterness and punishment.
I hope you will continue to post.
Thank you, I will continue posting as things happen.
For several years I put her happiness over my own. In my world, her and the kids were my #1 priority and I don't even think I was ever in her top 5. Which is sad, but it is what it is. The hardest part for me was recouping my self-worth and accepting that I am better than that. I beat myself up for months on it, thinking "only if..." when in reality I shouldn't have.
I have learned many lessons through out all of this break-up. I realized that the person I was a year ago was NOT who I wanted to be, nor should I have allowed it to happen. Instead I decided to be someone better, someone happy.
It is official, that J is my girlfriend now. We stepped up the relationship and I am quite happy about it. We click. We are both a little insecure at times, but luckily it hasn't put too much stress or pressure on us. For the first time in a while, I am actually happy.
As for the ex, she is not. She is still angry. She is still miserable. She has gotten so odd that the person she has become is someone I wouldn't want in my life. If it were not for the kids, then I wouldn't have anything to do with her.
Glad to hear things are going well EyeTie, sounds like you've successfully DB'ed yourself right into happiness and the start of a healthy new relationship.
On some level even from my distance it's hard not to feel a bit bad for your ex. She sounds like she's completely lost on a number of levels. Obviously she put you through hell, but here you are on the other side while she's taken up permanent residence.
Good luck with J, it sounds like you're entering into it maturely and healthily. Congrats!
PP
Thank you PigPen.
There are days when I do feel bad for her. I know she is struggling to find her place and is unsure of her future. I know that the life she has is not the one she visioned when she left. I know that she regrets her decision (although she will never admit it). I know that me being happy is destroying her, since she is so miserable. But at the end of the day, this was her decision to make. Not mine. I love her, I always will, but this time around ILYBNILWY is how I feel about her.
My WW has said that we outgrew one another over the years. I didn't realize how true that was until a few months ago when I saw her one Sunday morning. She was out at the bar both Friday/Saturday night, her complexion looked like crap, she was in a crabby mood and I realized right then and there that I would rather have a night in with my kids than a night out at the bars with people I don't care about.
Part of her issue is that we did get together when she was young. She was 18, pregnant by the time she was 21 and "missed out" on going out with her friends. It was a compromise that we discussed at great lengths. So now that we are no longer a couple, she has the freedom to do such, I don't think she expected it to come at such a high cost.
I am not bitter, angry or hateful towards her. I hope she figures out her life and finds happiness. When this all started I used to pray that she would come back. Several times a day in fact. Now I pray that she finds happiness that I could not provide to her.
Through out this whole ordeal, I have realized a lot about life. When I got sick last winter and was told that I may have 5 months to live, it put things into an incredible perspective. I made a plan and said "If I live, this is what I am going to do". #1 was be the best father I can be. #2 was taking nothing in life for granted. #3 was let go of the things I can't change. Who I was a year ago and who I am now are completely different people and I couldn't be happier. I lost my wife in the process, but I also walked away from several friendships that were negative influences in my life. I like my life now. I am happy. And I hope that all of you DBers find the same happiness that I have fount. Good luck.
EyeTie, I feel very similar about my W even though I'm still praying for her to figure out who she is and work through her problems. I see some things that show me shd might be on the right path back to finding herself but still alot to do. I also realize I could very well be done like you are in the near future. I feel bad for her also but at the end of the day they choose this path, not us.
Everything else you said about your W I could relate to and it brought up another thought. In a previous post you said how you won't be that bitter H and you have done alot of work to avoid that. I understand how easy it would be for all of us to turn into that person but we strive for a better us instead.
It reminds me of my father and something I learned yesterday. My step mom was a WAW/possibly WW a few years ago and when she moved out to move in with another woman/man for a break my father got bitter and divorced her immediatly. He's still very bitter about women in general and I'm not sure be will have another healthy relationship. My step mom since then has had her life go downhill and my father sees that as she was wrong and he was right. The truth is they both failed not only in the M but also in what happened afterwards. She has lived in a hotel where she works for the last year and nearly moved across the world to live with a man she met over the internet. He dumped her within a week of when she was planning on leaving. It shows she keeps chasing that dream of what will make her happy and isn't finding it. My father could have made changes and turned himself into a new man but basically said "good riddens" to her and learned nothing about himself or how he contributed to that breakdown.
I think it shows those of us that do the work are in a much better place for the future and it's good to hear things are going so well for you after workong on you. It hurts to know they are going down that path where they learn nothing and make things worse but that's their choice. We have our own to make that has nothing to do with what they do.
Together, apart, we all have decisions to make that fail who we could be on the future.
Thanks Fogg.
Honestly, I feel free. Free from her drama, her hate, her spite, her lack of manners and bitterness. Tonight, the kids and I cuddled on the couch and watched Pinocchio. They had never seen it and it's been a good 30 years since I have. There was a song that he sings called "I've got no strings" which made me chuckle, because I feel the same way. It's lyrics sung by Pinocchio go...
"I've got no strings
To hold me down
To make me fret, or make me frown
I had strings
But now I'm free
There are no strings on me
Hi-ho the merry-o
That's the only way to be
I want the world to know
Nothing ever worries me
Hi-ho the merry-o
I'm as happy as can be
I want the world to know
Nothing ever worries me
I've got no strings
So I have fun
I'm not tied up to anyone
They've got strings
But you can see
There are no strings on me"
Really fits, honestly. I hope that helps some of you too to figure it out and realize that life does move on, life goes forward and happiness can be found again. You just have to cut the strings and find it.
Since it's been a few weeks since my last update, I figured I would toss one out to you all.
Life is good, sadly I am working 50+ hours a week, which is starting to take a toll on me. I am still dating J and am looking forward to spending Christmas with her and her daughter. Due to the "schedule" I will have my kids Christmas Eve and then will bring them to my exes Christmas morning. She did invite me to stick around if I wanted to, but I think it's best that I drop them off and go on my way. The divorce is still no where in sight, I have no idea what to even say anymore about it. Part of me thinks that I should just file and get it over with, the other part of me doesn't really care enough to do so. Luckily, J isn't too upset about the situation and understands it.
Sadly, I am dealing with the holiday blues and actually miss my ex. I find myself thinking of ways to "get back together" which I like in theory, but in reality it would be a train wreck. I think too much time has passed, too much damage, too much hurt has happened to even make it an option. Which is actually ok, I think I am just missing that part of my life (to some extent) and will be fine.
I guess at the end of the day, I am still a little broken. But it's ok to be broken, no one is perfect.
Hi eyetie
Has your wife been making any changes? Any easier to get along with?
I imagine it's normal to miss her. You shared an important part of your life with her. Time has passed, but time also heals a lot. You never really know what the future will bring.
Glad for the update, and hope you get some good vacation time in soon
My wife is a conundrum. One minute we can be by one another without any problems, we can laugh, hug and it's like old times. The next she will go distant and start a fight over nothing. As I stated before, I do think she is regretting her decisions and will subconsciously ruin any "good moments" we have, so she doesn't feel as though this was a mistake. Sadly, my kids are the ones who deal with it the worst. My son has told his counselor that he feels he needs to choose sides in this mess. Because he hears his Mother talk ill about his Father. I refuse to bash her in front of the kids. She doesn't care who is around her when she trash talks me.
And like I said, we spent 10 years together. Holidays are sorta hard, because she was a big part of my life. But as you said JulieH, life moves on and I am excited to see what it brings me.
Otherwise, things are ok. J and I are making plans for a future together. No, not marriage, but things like concerts and little trips in a few months. I am happy, just a little reserved I guess.
I hope you all have a Merry Christmas and a happy holiday. All of you who are starting your journey, please read my threads and GAL!!! That is what kept me sane throughout my journey.
I am hoping you guys will be able to rekindle a friendship for the sake of your children.
It seems like she is hurting. She was replaced. And her pain is causing her to lash out. Makes no sense because she is the one that left you and was unfaithful. Sounds like she needs to villify you in her mind instead of facing up to her own mistakes. . She really has some growing to do.
Regardless, you can only focus on you and your own growth. And keep doing what you know is right. It sounds like you are a great dad and really have the kids best interests at heart. Hope you have a wonderful hoiliday!
Figured it's time to pop in and give everyone an update.
So...it's been almost a year since my WW moved out of our home. At the time I was crushed, I was sick with cancer, terrified about my future and the one person whom I thought would be there forever couldn't have cared less. Thanks to this forum, the books and especially Sandi's list, I am doing great. "Galing" saved my life, I can't stress that enough. I beat cancer, I moved out of our home (it closes next week), I have been dating an amazing woman for the last few months, I have gone from a lonely caterpillar and turned into a butterfly.
My kids are doing well, my health has never been better and some of my new hobbies have brought out a passion in me that has never been seen before. I enjoy life again, I find beauty in almost everything and frankly, due to the last year, I take nothing for granted in life.
My WW has been a complete basket case. She has a BF and it appears that she is happy, but according to her friends/family she is miserable. She hates my gf, she hates that my family has shut her out, she hates that most of "our" friends want little to do with her. She is jealous, my MIL called me last week and asked me what my WW would have to do to "fix" our M. I told her that I am open to discussion, BUT I am not going to go out of my way to allow it to happen. That she would have to put the effort in, that she would have to do all the work, because I did it for months with zero effort by her. She followed with that she was sad that I had finally given up on the M. That she knew it would happen at some point, but she was still sad that it finally happened.
So, to my newbies and oldies here. You can do this. You can survive. I know it's horrible, I know it's hard and it's probably the biggest battle you have ever had to fight. But fight, fight like your life depends on it. Fight for your future, fight for your kids, just FIGHT!
Hey eye tie,
Thanks for posting! Glad to hear your doing well. Sounds like there is so much relief being out of limbo. There is some controversy here as to whether dating is good or bad idea. I know it's not recommended. In your case it worked out well and I am happy hearing your perspective cause it is different.
(If I had proof that husband was with other woman I would probably do the same. I do notice the LBS who go that route seem to gain the attention of WS quicker. )
It also sounds like if your ex wife was willing to work on reconciliation and initiate you would be too?
I am 7 months post husband leaving. We have upcoming talk about whether we work torwards divorce or reconciliation. We both have tons of anger. He is all over the place. To be honest, i am too.
Well, it's been a while since my last update. Things are going fine. I have been meeting with divorce attorneys lately. Trying to pick out the right one that I can afford. I took my GF, her daughter and my kids to Disney World for a week, we had a blast. Frankly, it was something my WW and I always talked about doing, but she is so far gone these days I can barely talk to her without it turning into a fight. I find texting with her is just easier.
Her lies are quickly unraveling around her and it's just getting more and more pathetic. She has been dating a guy for the last 4 or 5 months, who is convinced we are divorced, that I still pine after her and that all the stories he has heard are rumors spread by me. I have yet to meet him, at first she wanted to bring him around but as soon as I said that I wouldn't lie to cover her lies, that ended that. Otherwise, things are good. 15 months into the bombshell, I am happy.
So it's been a while, figured I would drop in for a quick update.
Life is good. Still with J, have my kids about 60% of the time, sold my marital house and divorce will FINALLY be done at the end of September.
Even today, I can't believe what has happened over the last (almost) 2 years and how different life can be. I find myself chuckling sometimes at how bad things were back when this journey started, how weak I felt, how badly I wanted to reconcile with someone who wasn't worth my time.
My WW has been a complete conundrum (and will continue to be) over everything. I really believe she has a mental disorder and its sad to see her spiral the way she has. She is still with her BF, but he works out of town so she finds herself alone. For every 3 calls/texts she makes to me, I answer 1. Not intentionally, I just outgrew it all. Best way to deal with the roller coaster is to get off of it.
Anyway, to anyone new to this, keep your head up. There is a ton of knowledge on here and most importantly, instead of focusing on your spouse, focus inward to yourself.
glad you posted ET, was wondering just the other day, how you were!
big high five on letting life open up for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So glad you posted with an update. I am very happy that you are consistently doing well in your new relationship and with your children. It's nice to hear this. Some one said that we have a choice post BD to wallow in misery or choose to be happy. Lots to be said for that. Why is the choice for happy harder though? Makes no sense.
"How badly I wanted to reconcile with someone who wasn't worth my time"
You know, I share this sentiment regarding any spouse that cheats. No one should put up with that.
Take care and loved hearing from you!
I really believe she has a mental disorder and its sad to see her spiral the way she has.
Can you elaborate on the reasons why you believe she has a mental disorder?
I've had similar intuitions but I push back on myself because... well, it would be too easy to rationalize a bad marriage that way. Would like to hear your point of view.
glad you posted ET, was wondering just the other day, how you were!
big high five on letting life open up for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you, the biggest obstacle in losing your spouse is also losing your best friend. That was the hardest part for me. Her and I were best friends for a few years before we started dating. But thanks to GAL, I have made several new friends. Life rocks!
So glad you posted with an update. I am very happy that you are consistently doing well in your new relationship and with your children. It's nice to hear this. Some one said that we have a choice post BD to wallow in misery or choose to be happy. Lots to be said for that. Why is the choice for happy harder though? Makes no sense.
"How badly I wanted to reconcile with someone who wasn't worth my time"
You know, I share this sentiment regarding any spouse that cheats. No one should put up with that.
Take care and loved hearing from you!
It's like the saying goes, "I don't want to waste my time with someone who only wastes my time." Took me a while to realize that, but yeah....
How are things going for you, Julie?
I really believe she has a mental disorder and its sad to see her spiral the way she has.
Can you elaborate on the reasons why you believe she has a mental disorder?
I've had similar intuitions but I push back on myself because... well, it would be too easy to rationalize a bad marriage that way. Would like to hear your point of view.
My wife's entire immediate family are all on one form of mood stabilizers or another. Her Mom, Dad, Brother and Sister all take something, be it anti-depressants or medication for bi-polar. Nothing against those who take things to better themselves btw. My wife was on antidepressants for years, then after my D was born she decided to take herself off of them. She has constant manic attacks, where she could be happy about life then 2 minutes later, laying in bed for hours. There was never a middle, just extremes. And since our split, she has gone out of her way to try to make me look bad. One minute I will get a "You are such a great father" text and the next I will get a call from someone who said that the WW told them I am abusive towards my kids.
And roll into all of this, she never had any forsight in life. Everything was "here and now", which is how our split up happened. I know she regrets it, but she will never admit it to me (or anyone). And now, because she finally realizes that I am over it and done, it just makes her angrier, because people no longer listen to her when she says "He wants me back!".
It's sad really. I do believe we could have saved our marriage, I do believe we dealt with tougher issues, I do believe that it could have been salvaged. BUT truth be told, I am happier now than I have been in a LONG time.
Just a final update.
Divorce was final last Friday. The ex and I went to court, judge signed off on it and that was it.
When we walked out of the courtroom, she collapsed on the floor and started crying. I just looked at her and said "Hey, it's ok, get up, this is what you wanted and there is finally some closure. We can move on with our lives apart." Gave her a hug and walked out of the building to my car.
I sat there for a long minute, took a deep breath, looked in the rearview mirror at myself, smiled and am officially divorced and ready for my future.
Was this a long painful process? Yes. Did I do EVERYTHING I could do to save my marriage? Yes. Do I still love my exwife? Yes, but I guess it's my turn to say "I love you but I am not in love with you" to her.
I'll check in from time to time, see how you all are doing. Thank you for all of your support. Thank you Sandi for the "rules" and please, all of you who are just starting this journey. Remember, you are given the best gift in the world. You are given the gift of a rebirth, of finding yourself again, GAL like your life depends on it. Soon you too will find happiness and inner-peace.
thank you for the update ET.
still wishing you all the best!!!
It's been a long time since I have been here. Thought I would drop in on all of you and see how things are going?
Life is good for me these days. I am over the divorce at this point, throughout the entire time I really saw how terrible she was. September 19th 2016 was our divorce, she is getting married to her latest guy on September 16th 2017. Kind of funny I guess, at least to me.
My kids are great, I bought a new place and I am working on getting things back on track. It's hard being a single parent, but we make it work. Things have progressed with a gal I mentioned before, we moved in together last fall and I couldn't be happier about it.
I just wanted to essentially say, thank you all for your help. Sometimes "saving" the marriage isn't worth it other times it is. In my case, I am doing much better without her. Be well all!
Thanks for posting! You are one of my favorite success stories and im so glad you are continuing to give us updates. I am glad things are working out so ni3ceky with your new girlfriend and with yiir children. Do you get them the majority of the time?
So many newcomers cant let go of people that have treated them pretty badly. You set a great example.
Update on my sitch...(if you still remember me) my ex was living a life as a secret addict. Was withdrawing from his IRA and huge amounts from atms in bad neighbirhoods. I still have no proof of any OW though. Our divorce is done. Im juat waiting for my papers back. And will eventually get the courage to respond back to some messages on my on line dating site and go on some dates.
Again. Its great hearing from you!
good for you eye! thanks for the update. I think I am going down the same exact path and I feel great about it! take care!