My wife told me she wanted out 5 months ago. We have three children and she has not asked me to leave the house. We are in separate bedrooms. I made all of the mistakes In trying to save the marriage that I have now read about on this site. I am trying the 180 but I keep screwing up. I will do well for a few weeks and then try to talk to her about the future which always leads to the same. Me talking to a dead fish. I normally have to walk away. She will not discuss any future plans at all.
I am in limbo. She has not asked me to leave or filed for divorce and I am desperately trying to figure out what's going to happen next. How long can this last? Its been five months and still no clear direction as to where this is going. I want to save my marriage but I am not sure how long I can stay in limbo. Please any advise would be great.
I am going to move your thread to the newcomers board.
And post my welcome post to you on that thread.
Edit - Moved here from the Divorce Remedy Forum - Cadet
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
(
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2534754&page=1).
Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
You came to the right place. Now that you are here, start reading through all of those links Cadet posted. Study them, live them, and learn them. Order Divorce Busting and Divorce Remedy, read them. You must detach now. Get.a.Life. You know first hand that pursuing, pleading, begging do not work and turn your wife away. It is time to do the opposite. Right now she doesn't want to talk about a future with you in it. Focus on what you can change and control. You have not mentioned where the relationship veered off? What kind of problems are you having? Do you suspect another man?
Tkdmme,
Sorry you find yourself here, but you are in good company and will get some really great advice.
Can you tell us more about your W and why she wants out? Also, can you share your ages, how long you have been M, etc like in my signature. You can add signature in my stuff/edit profile.
BW
You can add signature in my stuff/edit profile.
After he is off moderation.
TK -
Don't think about how long you can live in limbo. Think about whether you can make it through the next MINUTE in limbo. Then, when that's done, think about whether you can live the NEXT minute in limbo. You have no idea what next week or next month holds on this journey, so try not to focus on them.
You can do it.
She says that I have not been emotional supportive, I haven't helped with the children enough, haven't helped enough with the housework, chores. I have always been the outdoor maintenance guy and she handled all the indoor stuff. I admit that I have been self involved with work and hobbies but I didn't think it was this much of a problem. She is turning 40 next on the 18th of this month and I think this may have something to do with it. I am 39. We have always been best friends and now she barely talks to me.
This is killing me and I cant seem to stick to the 180. I keep slipping back and trying to fix it too fast. Since I've started the 180 my kids have really taken notice and have been treating me completely different (in a good way). We are spending a great deal of time together and This seems to push her farther away.
She has always spent more time on the phone with her sister than talking to me but now its ridiculous. I hope this information helps. I'm desperate.
I don't think there is another man. She comes straight home from work and rarely goes out. She is on the phone constantly but with her sister most of the time. Like most husbands this came out of the blue but looking back I should have seen the signs. I suspect a midlife crisis of previous menopause but I'm not sure.
We have been married 16 years. I'm 39 and she is turning 40 on the 18th of july. She wanted a trip to see her sister for her birthday so I made arangement for her. I'm not sure if that was the right thing to do but I'm trying to do anything to make her happy at this point
TK - read the 5 love languages IMMEDIATELY. Sounds like your idea of "love" is different from your wife's. Learn to how speak her language!
tkdmme, I am in the same position as you, my H told me he wants out 5 months ago but is still here, but completely withdrawn. I am in limbo. Some days are easier than others. Today is very hard for me because I am away on a trip with my kids and he doesn't stay in touch, and I desperately want to call him. Keep busy, it helps. Matt is right, take it one minute at a time. I also am doing 180s and trying to detach. It is so hard, but you are not the only one in this situation. Hang in there!
Thank you so much. You are right. This is the hardest thing I've ever done. Trying not to show my emotions or talk to her is killing me. I'm in this till the bitter end and no matter what we will be better for it. She is out with her freinds tonight. I didn't ask where she was going or who she will be with. Caring for someone for 16 years and then trying to let them go is extremely difficult.
I made it through another uncomfortable night and morning. The kids were away at their grandmother's house and my w was out with friends. I have not mentioned until now that my wife and I have always been drinkers. My wife more so than I, although through this process I have started to drink more.
Last week I started attending AA meetings. I did not tell her at first but I had to eventually due to the fact that I was out every night this past week.
Any way, I didn't go to the meeting last night and instead decided to stay home alone. When she returned she had been drinking. She wasn't stumbling drunk but it was obvious that the alcohol was effecting her.
She brought up the AA meetings and told me that she didn't think I was an alcoholic and that I didn't need to be going to these meetings. When I asked why she thought this she started to reply and then stopped and said never mind.
It seems that she interprets every thing im doing to better myself as trying to manipulate her or make her look bad.
it seems that I can do nothing right in her eyes at this point.
After she said never mind, I told her that it is probably best if we didn't talk right now. I then went to bed. This morning was weird but nothing was said.
I hate this. Im sick of feeling this way. She is not the person I married.
Tkdmme..
I know what u're going through my sitch its very similar except that my W is only 25 and showing signs of MLC, have you read any o the books?
I'm not expert and I'm only 2 months into this ride, but what I can tell u is that she is doing GAL and u should too, I know its hard I haven't been able to do it 100% myself but U need to go out and do stuff, go exercise, I was looking at some volunteer opportunities in my city, doesn't mean that u have to go drinking too also in my opinion again (im new at this) u don't have to let her know what u're doing since from what I read its not a trust issue. again if I'm wrong someone will correct me.!!
I feel ur pain and how hard it is. but u're in the right place to seek for advice and support. stay strong cuz its looks like its a long journey.!
Desp13,
Thanks for your reply. It is hard. Very hard. I keep thinking I'm going to wake up from a bad deem but it never stops. I guess it can't last forever. I'm just praying that I can do and say the right things. I haven't been doing to we'll so far. I'm trying to detatch. I'm not sure if I should attend family functions or not. Her birthday is coming up and I'm not sure whether to have a party for her or not. Whatever I Do it will be wrong in her eyes. Hang in there. I'm sure trying.
You need to detach, walk around "AS IF" first you need to GAL, stay busy do things that make you attractive to her and give her her space, don't make any arrangements for her, you can buy or force her love. Be polite and cordial but stop pursuing!
Some of us have been through it longer than you so we know what works and what doesn't taking into consideration that all sitches are different, hang in there, you will be ok once you start GALing.
trust me I know, still go to family events not to all of them, and Im trying to go less and less of them, also my W bday its the first week of aug and I heard her making plans with her friend to go away for the weekend, and now idk if I should buy her the gift that I had planned before the bd which it was on the expensive side or just get her something simple. so trust me I Know how confused u must be..!
Hopefully we'll get a good advice on how to proceed.!
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
so, we had dinner at my wife's brothers house last night. I have been trying not to discuss the situation we are in. however, after dinner her brother brought it up and in front of everyone including her mother he proceeded to compliment me and tell me what a great job I have been doing. He also told my wife and mother in law that I was the only one working towards healing our relationship and doing the right things and that they should stop judging me for the times that I have failed. he told them that they have no right to judge unless they were helping in fixing the situation. Her mother was offended by this and began criticizing me and told me to "grow up". At this point I lost my cool. This mother in law has been up my ass for years and I could not take her bs anymore. It probably hurt my case but I had to say what was on my mind. Although I was beyond angry I calmly asked her not to speak to me unless it was necessary. She watches the children when my wife and I are at work so there will be times that we have to communicate.
Before I left I apologized to her and my wife.
My wife's brother has been more of a father to her than a brother. Their father abandoned them when they were young. He has backed me through this whole thing and continues to encourage me and tell me not to give up.
I hope this didn't make things worse. i have asked him not to pressure her but he tells me that it is his duty to keep his sister from making a mistake that she will regret.
I haven't seen or spoke with my wife today but im sure that she will blame me for this episode as well. This soap opera continues to have more twist and turns.
Tk,
I don't know if the brother standing up for you hurt you or not. I would, however, be proud of the fact that someone is noticing your changes.
In regards to the MIL, ignore her. If she continues pull her aside and let her know that while you respect her you will not allow her to be disrespectful towards you. You can even tell her how surprised you are at her behaviour as she experienced the pain you are feeling now. Just my two cents.
You need to detach. I personally would not acknowledge your wife's birthday, especially if she is going away with friends. Definitely do not buy her a gift. You can not win her affections back with gifts. Some others may want to chime in on this.
Ok so my wife is moving out. I'm not sure if this is a good thing or not. I'm falling apart all over again.
Ok so my wife is moving out. I'm not sure if this is a good thing or not. I'm falling apart all over again.
It will be good and bad.
It will help you to detach,
you still need to get yourself put back together after you
are done falling apart.
Sorry this is happening however it is part of
many scripts.
Start focusing on YOURSELF!
She has doesn't wear her ring anymore. I've been reading about no contact and detaching but we are still the same house as of now and I'm not sure that she is serious about moving out. Should I take off my ring? I think it may show her that I'm ok with her decision and I'm ready to move on. This is something that has me puzzled. I want her to know that I'm moving on but I don't want the kids to think I'm giving up. Any thoughts?
I think it may show her that I'm ok with her decision and I'm ready to move on.
There are no tricks here or magic buttons to press.
What do you want?
I want to repair my marraige. Not sure what you mean. I have to move on but I'm hoping in doing so she may reconnect with me.
I would suggest you "move forward" not "move on".
My point about what you wrote is that I do not think you can "show her" anything right now.
She is not listening to you or hearing anything that you say.
She likely believes NONE of your ACTIONS.
So do things for you - not to prove a point to her.
Brother, this sounds exactly like my situation. My wife and I are 36 and have been together for 17 years. We were best friends until about 4 months ago. I thought it was a MLC at first as she also went to the gym we both belong to (if she didn't go and entered her score she would be called out on it) then went to work and straight home. I found out she had been meeting the OM at lunch and finding parking lots to go to so that she could have her affair. This is the worst thing I've ever been through and I feel your pain.
Like your W mine has talked about separation and moving on, but she has never done anything to make that a reality and instead leaves it to me to leave or not. This limbo [censored]. I hope you find your way through it, I'm losing sight of the hope I once had though.
I am so sorry. As I'm sure you know. This is a nightmare. I can't focus at work. I've lost 40 pounds. I don't want to see any friends. I don't enjoy anything that used to make me happy. I know this will pass and my life will return to normal but in the right now I'm absolutely sick over it. It even hurts to see my kids. We can get through this and for some reason it helps me to know I'm not alone. However I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.
We are spending a great deal of time together and This seems to push her farther away.
She has always spent more time on the phone with her sister than talking to me but now its ridiculous.
Have you read Divorce Remedy? If not, get it ASAP. Have you read Cadet's threads he gave you? These are important. If you were reading the threads, you should have seen that spending more time with her is not the answer. It is pressure to her and pushes her away.
I think her excessive phone talk probably tells the story. It's not all sister conversations. The fact she can't give you more reasons for wanting a D sounds suspicious.
If her mother is encouraging her to leave you, that is a strong influence on your W.
You need a plan.
I have read all the threads the cadet sent but have not read the divorce remedy. Also, her mother doesn't want her to leave. She has been pressuring her to work it out with me. This is a very close family and we all live within a few miles of each other so everyone is upset over this. As far as spending time together, we haven't in the past several weeks. Her family invites us both over for dinner frequently and we all attend the same church. I can't figure out how to detatch within this situation. My kids want me to go to these dinners and to church with them.
I can't financial move out. Any ideas?
how do I enable private messages?
how do I enable private messages?
You don't.
PM'ing is disabled on DB.
so why does the envelope keep flashing. Sorry for the stupid questions.
Tkd,
Hang in there. I was right where you are 4 weeks ago. It is tough but u will get through it. Are you seeing a pshycitrist? Medication may help. Are you Dawg or Yellow Jacket?
Yes I have seen a doctor which was weird because my doctor is her brother so I went to someone else. The doctor gave me meds to help me sleep and that has been great. I cant function without rest or make good decisions. I am also seeing a counselor who is helping tremendously. I feel like I am reaching a turning point. I am trying to detach but having a hard time living there with her and the kids.
I have a new project starting in Charleston SC in November so I have to make it through until then. I haven't lost hope and still want my marriage to be restored but I cant deny that im excited about working on myself.
We moved to Georgia to be closer to her family against my wishes. And we have been here 10 years. Since we have been here I have lost myself.
I used to work part time as a piano player for several jazz clubs where we used to live and I am hoping to start doing that again.
This all seems so crazy. This is the first time I have ever been on a forum or anything like that. I cant believe how many people are in the same situation as me.
I dread going home everyday.
What do you mean Dawg or Yellow Jacket?
I know it is tough. I have never done a thread or anything prior to this either. I was shocked to see how many people are going through this. We only see the people on this board. No doubt it is an epidemic.
I saw you were in Georgia so I figured you would have a team. Georgia Bulldogs or Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets. Most people in GA choose one or the other. Now I see that this may not apply to you as you are from a different state.
sorry, im a little slow right now. Although im originally from TN am an Alabama fan. However I don't follow it very closely.
Also, I have read some of your posts. I don't think my wife is having an affair but im not sure. Did it help to know? or do you regret finding out? I have thought about looking at phone records and this sort of thing but im not sure I want to know.
I don't think my wife is having an affair but im not sure.
Did it help to know?
or do you regret finding out?
It really does not make any difference.
Once she has checked out of the marriage and you have bomb drop,
the process starts and you are not getting her back without it going through to completion.
No shortcuts or easy buttons.
It takes a lot of knowledge to understand this.
Keep doing the homework and learning IMHO.
I would go with what Cadet says from a DB perspective. He knows a lot more than me. From a legal perspective in GA it is important to know because a person can not receive alimony if they have commited adultry.
IMO, it was helpful to know about the affair simply because it helped me reach a "low" that I had not been able to reach if I had not known. I was able to see how bad things had gone and it made it easier for me to begin the process of detaching myself. All that changed though when she allegedly cut off the affair and committed to working on our relationship.
Thank you guys for the advise.
I went out last night for the first time in a while. I drank too much and feel guilty. I feel like im going crazy. I feel good one minute and feel awful the next. Are things ever going to get better? I hate myself for failing in my marriage. I feel like the kids are going to suffer because I let my family down. I cant move on. 16 years of marriage and a way of life and now its all over. This really [censored]. Im sure nobody wants to hear me complain but I have no one else to vent to. I wish there was some quick fix to either repair my marriage or to quit caring about it. It seems that my life is over.
Again im sorry but I am feeling down today. I cant seem to pick myself up. im at work but cant focus on my job. I have friends here but I think I am wearing them out with my somber attitude. Unless you have been through this, I guess its hard to relate. I remember thinking before all of this happened that I would be fine if she ever left but obviously I was wrong.
Im losing my mind.
You aren't losing your mind. You aren't alone. You aren't the only one feeling like this. You can't control how your wife will behave. The best way to protect your kids and yourself is to focus on you. Try to stay positive. I get the need for a release sometimes and turning to drinking (did that myself last night), just don't let it be the go-to.
This is the best place to vent and blow off steam. We are all or have gone through something as devastating otherwise we wouldn't be here.
First step to being a better man is to accept that you don't need to apologize for how you are feeling. I am one of the biggest apologists you will meet so that's been hard for me, but it's true.
One foot in front of the other. Keep moving forward even if it is a shuffle.
there is a pain in my chest and a lump in my throat every waking minute. I am embarrassed by the way I have reacted to the situation. I feel like a child and not at all the man I thought I was. I guess its normal. Do you feel better now. how long does this take to get over? im not sure how long I can keep it up.
Wow, im really having a bad day. I keep going in the same circles over and over. Im fine then im scared to death then im angry then im crying then im fine again for a day or 2. Sometimes I have hope and sometimes im hopeless. I just want this to be over one way or another. Its so hard to live together and not try to convince her that she is destroying our family. I don't want to push her farther away. She doesn't care what I do or what I say. im desperate and falling apart. I cant sleep or eat or focus on work. I don't know how anyone can get through this.
Wow, im really having a bad day. I keep going in the same circles over and over. Im fine then im scared to death then im angry then im crying then im fine again for a day or 2. Sometimes I have hope and sometimes im hopeless. I just want this to be over one way or another. Its so hard to live together and not try to convince her that she is destroying our family. I don't want to push her farther away. She doesn't care what I do or what I say. im desperate and falling apart. I cant sleep or eat or focus on work. I don't know how anyone can get through this.
tkdemme, that's completely normal. To call this a rollercoaster is an understatement. Your best bet is to detach (I know, I know, easier said than done, trust me). You would do well to read up on the Stockdale Paradox. At some point you will realize that your marriage is already "dead". You're not fighting for the old marriage, but a new one, hopefully with her. Nothing you do will be right in her eyes right now. The sooner you are able to detach, get yourself emotionally straight and level, and be able to focus on yourself and what you need to do to get your life under control.
I went through that time after BD too, where I was under a constant state of anxiety. Being around my W was hell when she was in the fog, but it was hell being away from her too. Even went on antidepressants for a short time. I couldn't concentrate on work or any of my normal activities.
Find a north star to orient yourself. That's part of the rationale behind the GAL activities. It may be your kids, fitness, a project or goal, work, whatever. There's no shortcuts to getting through this anxiety phase, I'm afraid, but it is survivable.
This is your life too. You are entitled to set your own vision as to what you need to have a relationship with your W. You have a vote.
To echo what tkdmme is saying, this is completely normal. You are no less of a man. You are a human. I would imagine the time frame is different for everyone. I just started feeling better over the last two weeks. So I would say I had about 2-3 months of feeling pretty bad. I am on anti-anxiety and anti-depressant medicine right now. Believe it or not, my WW also got on anti-depressant medicine. It goes to show she was having some serious trouble with this as well. She does not show it now, and I'm not sure if she is still medicated, but apparently she was feeling something early on. You would have never know by speaking to her right now or seeing her actions.
Keep posting, venting, and reading other threads. Commenting on other threads also helps with moving through this very tough phase--or at least it has helped me.
I know all of you are right but it seems impossible. I keep reading the same this over and over. Searching the Internet for someway to fix this. I just can't believe it's happening to us. I never imagined I would be in the situation.
I want to call her but I know I cant. I'm sick and feel like dying.
Everything I think I got a handle on this, reality sets in and I'm back where I started.
It took me a good 4 months to really start coming out of it....to start feeling I had control over my life regardless of the outcome of my sitch. I just had to feel what I was feeling and slog through it. The antidepressants helped take the edge off, but what really got me to start climbing out of the hole was what you're doing right now...posting here and talking through this with others. I can't tell you enough how effective that therapy was for me.
My W is arguably in a better place than she was a few months ago, but we are far from out of the woods. Now I'm the one wondering if we're too broken to continue. She'll still have occasional meltdowns, but I'm amazed at how much they don't affect me any more. Hang in there
Do you and your wife still live together?
TK, hang in there. I know it doesn't change things, but you aren't alone in this nightmare. Others are going through similar situations. It's so great to hear that there is a time when I might feel better. I have joked that I have too many mood swings to be bipolar, but that's the closest I can describe life as right now. I'm hopeful one minute, terrified the next, furious the next, devastated, numb, and back to hopeful. And this can happen several times a day.
My W and I still live in the same house. I agreed to a trial separation and when I had the kids out of the house for a week she had the OM come to my house. I work from home. It seems like everywhere I look I can imagine them together. There are days I think it would be therapeutic if I lit our bed on fire.
I confirmed that my wife had an affair and believe it to be over and it seems as though we are in the "piecing it back together" phase, but I don't even know if we are or not and the approach seems so foreign to me. It is confusing. I don't know if I should do the nice things for her that I have always done, let her initiate everything and then engage or detach. It feels like I am the one going crazy and acting wildly out of control even though I am focused on trying to come out the other side of this mess a better person.
Did any of you have suicidal thoughts? Im not going to kill myself but I cant deny that the thought hasn't crossed my mind. Am I posting to often? GOD I cant stop thinking about her!! She says its all my fault and the guilt is relentless. I keep thinking of every time I made her mad or didn't react to her in the right way.
I have been reading about MLC. Even if this is the case she would never admit it. I have been trying like a mad man to figure out the exact problem. She seems to have the symptoms of MLC or pre-menopause. She is not the same person. She doesn't remember any of the good times that we shared. Only the bad ones.
I love this woman with all my heart and she is a good person and mother. I cant for the life of me figure this out. I want to fix it somehow nut I know I cant.
I feel like a little girl crying all the time and reaching out to anyone who will listen for help. I know this is normal but this cant last much longer.
I won't say I had suicidal thoughts, but the though has crossed my mind that everyone would be better off if I didn't wake up. It [censored]. Don't let yourself think that way.
You are not guiltless, but the blame is not all yours.
My W seems to be going through an MLC also based on everything I've read here. It seems like a massive monkey wrench in the DBing process even though she has said she wants to work things out I don't know if she really means it or even realizes what kind of work it is going to take and if she is willing to put that work into us.
My W can still talk about the good times at least, but I swear the recent history has been nothing but negative and every word that comes out of my mouth means the worst possible thing it could be construed as no matter how I say it or what I mean by it. It's as if she sees me not as the person with good intent that I have always been, but a mean spirited jackass.
I can empathize with the desire to figure out what is at the root of the problem. I solve problems for a living. I take a complex set of variables and find a solution from a complex set of viable solutions. It is maddening to have this problem in front of me and know that even if I could figure what the hell is wrong there is NOTHING I can do to fix it.
I know what you mean about loving her with all of your heart and knowing what kind of person she was and not being able to reconcile that with what you are seeing and feeling today. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. We can get through this though.
Post away. Post as often as you need to. Are you seeing a therapist too?
I'm finding that each day I decide to push forward is another day I manage to handle things. Minute by minute, day by day. Don't look to the future. All we will see is unending misery because that's all we know right now. Just take it a day at a time. From the timeline and your ages we are pretty similar. I'm 36, W is 36, S 7, D 4. If I had been more aware I'd say the bad news probably came about this time last year, but we were still having way more good times than bad, but the big bomb (the A) was dropped on me in July and the not attracted to you convo was back in April.
Find an outlet. I built a deck, found a new job, am getting back to the gym more, have reconnected with old friends and my family. It isn't easy, but we can make it through.
hurthus,
I don't think my wife Is cheating. I cant imagine how much worse that would make me feel if she was. I understand wanting to burn your bed. You are much stronger than I. I guess its a nightmare either way.
Hello TKDMME,
I am just catching up to sitch. Limbo land stinks, but the good news is your W still seems uncertain, so you have been given gift of time to work on yourself. Even though your BD happened a while ago, you have only been DBing for a month. I have been on here 4 months and it was only about a month ago that I really got a grip on my emotions. Still have days here and there that are bad, but much, much less frequent than at the beginning. It will get better. GAL and detaching helps with that tons. Not only does it take your mind off W/M, it is a self esteem booster as well.
If you are having those kinds of thoughts, there is no shame in going to doctor and talking to them about antidepressants. I know many on here did that. IC can help as well. I almost opted for drugs, but GAL, exercise, and IC eventually helped me with my depression and mood.
You can do it!!
I am seeing a counselor. We started counseling together and she dropped out after about 3 sessions.
BT13,
Thank you for the encouragement and im glad you are feeling better. That gives me hope that I too can eventually get better.
Why do you think my W seems uncertain? She tells me that she still wants the D and that she has made up her mind. She doesn't have the money to get a lawyer and her family is trying to convince her that the D is not a good idea. Also, although ive been home for about five years, I sometimes travel for work. I will be out of town 4 days a week starting in December. I think she wants to see what happens then. She does say that she cares about me and that she hates to do this to me but still doesn't want to work it out.
Anyway, I hope there is still a chance of reconciliation. I cant seem to stay consistent. I try to detach and I can do it for a while then for some reason I try to talk to her again. We are in the same house so its difficult.
Ive been trying to GAL but I always wonder what she is doing or who she is talking to. It just seems hopeless.
She does say that she cares about me and that she hates to do this to me but still doesn't want to work it out.
I heard this in one of the few counseling sessions with my W (not an MC, major mistake). She said she loves me and always will, I am her best friend and the most reliable support she has, I am a great father and husband, but (you knew there was a but in there) she didn't know if she even wanted to have a future with me as my wife.
I see now that I should have run my dumb ass here right then and there and instead made every rookie mistake possibly driving her more and more to the A. In any event it does not matter if she is or isn't having one. You need to focus on you. The rest will play out however it will. You can't control it.
Remember Sandi's rule #32.... Don't believe anything they say and 50% of what they do. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.
They all say that kind of stuff. There are people who where on the brink of D that reconciled. Your W has not filed or moved out yet, right? My H has threatened to move out and D as well. Still here and has not filed. I realize this can change any day.
You need to find a way to GAL and focus on you. This below will not reattract your W:
I don't want to see any friends. I don't enjoy anything that used to make me happy.
She needs to feel you are moving forward with your life. Become a man only a fool W would leave. You might need to fake it at first, but you need to show PMA anytime you are around her.
Hurthus,
What does MC stand for.
Hurthus,
What does MC stand for.
MC = marriage counseling
Has anyone ever heard of brad browning? Do any of his programs work?
I was reading on of sandi2's articles about the difference between WW who is having an affair and one who isn't. She mentioned that the approach should be different. Can anyone help me with this. My wife is not having an affair. I know this because she works for her brother and he is against the divorce, She comes straight home after work, and my gut is telling me that she is being faithful.
Is the approach to this situation the same as the approach to someone who is having an A.
I was reading on of sandi2's articles about the difference between WW who is having an affair and one who isn't. She mentioned that the approach should be different. Can anyone help me with this. My wife is not having an affair. I know this because she works for her brother and he is against the divorce, She comes straight home after work, and my gut is telling me that she is being faithful.
Is the approach to this situation the same as the approach to someone who is having an A.
I am not sure what Sandi has in mind for the approach being different.
IMHO it is the same, my wife never had an affair either except for maybe a fantasy affair in her head.
Their is no way you are going to know about that either since you are not inside her head.
My opinion is that once she decides to leave the marriage it is still infidelity even if their is no affair partner.
Basic DB'ing still applies.
From what I read in Sandi's post the WaW is basic DBing, but the WW needs a little more tough love. The hard part is trying to figure where we are at any given point. Are we dealing with a WaW or a WW, is it due to an MLC or because we have missed the road signs and failed to course correct. I guess that's why we try an approach and review the results and adjust accordingly. It is going to be different for each of us. That's one of the worst things. What works for one might backfire for another. We just need to try it out and see. At least that's what it seems like to me so far.
The last time we spoke about the marriage was on Monday. she continually sais that she is waiting to see if she begins to feel differently about me over the next few months. I see this as a good thing if I can stick to the plan. The rest of the week has been uneventful. I went with my boss to have dinner on Tuesday night, Went out with some friends Wednesday night., and stayed home last night watched a movie with the kids and went to bed.
As long as I don't bring anything up she acts as if nothing is going on. Don't get me wrong, she still has very little to say to me other than stuff about the kids or general family stuff.
She has some family in town staying at her mothers this week and they are planning to have us over for dinner at some point. Her mother and Brother both live within five miles of us so they are very aware of what's going on. However the family that is visiting doesn't know about our problems. I not sure if I need to go to this dinner or not. As I said earlier as long as nobody brings up the topic of out marriage everything seems fine.
Her Brother is a doctor and faithful Christian and she works for him. He has been very diligent in trying to keep her from going through with this. He does not agree with divorce and will do anything to prevent it. I know she feels a lot of pressure from him and her mother to stay in the M. There is nothing I can do about that. I have asked them not to pressure her but they tell me that they are not going to let her make this mistake. I think this may be making my sitch worse.
I really worry when each weekend approaches and we will together for most of it. This is where I always screw up my plan.
so I got off work early, picked up the kids and went to pick up some things at the store. I don't know why but I got emotional in the store and the kids saw me. Im having a hard time being around them and keeping my emotions in check. All I think of is how I have failed them and how they are going to suffer if she goes through with a divorce. I apologized to them and told them that everything was going to be fine and that I was just having a tough day.
God, I feel like such a child that I cant keep from letting my worrying getting me emotional.
Also my D12 said that we were having dinner at my W brothers tonight. I knew that this was the plan because my MIL told me. but my w never invited me. Im not sure what to do. if I don't go everyone there will be wondering why and if I do go my W will feel awkward. Please I need some advise.
I made a huge mistake when my W suggested a D. I broke down and when S7 asked what was wrong I told him that mommy and daddy might not be living in the same house anymore. God talk about feeling like total [censored] and a failure. Worst day ever. Don't beat yourself up. What you are feeling is normal. If you try to squash it you will just have a bigger eruption.
any advise on the dinner tonight?
I got nothing on that. I'm at the same point pretty much as you are other than my W hasn't moved out. She has suggested stuff like that, but never made any attempt to make it a reality.
If you were invited by MIL and your daughter said something, maybe just ask your W if she has any objection to you coming since you had been invited by her family. It could be a chance to show that you are validating her feelings and respecting her. Or it could show weakness. I don't know. Maybe one of the vets can chime in.
my wife is still in the house but in the spare bed room. im kind of undecided on whether to go or not. At this point im trying to stay away from her as much as possible and GAL.
I have always had many friends and I was the life of the party. I played piano at parties and night clubs my whole adult life. Where did all the friends go. Before this our house was the place that every one hung out. No one even calls me now. Im pretty sure its because im not much fun to be around right now.
Just got caught up on your sitch, TKDm. So sorry about what you're going through. I'm in a similar boat, except my WW moved out to be with OM. Left me at home with all 4 kids. It's been 5 months and I still struggle daily. Not nearly as bad as that first few weeks, but she's on my mind a LOT. I am gradually starting to back away from her, but I think it just takes a long time (several months) to try and adjust to this. And I'm not sure I could have ever started detaching with my W living in the same house.
For the first few weeks, she wanted us to be BFFs and I played along for a while. Daily texting, regular calls, even family events with the kids every couple of weeks. But I finally realized it was keeping me stuck, unable to move on, and it was giving WW everything she wanted. No consequences at all; she gets to sleep with OM, while having me give her the emotional and financial stability of still being in a M. I finally got the courage to cut it all off. It was pretty dramatic, but since then has settled down. And, as could probably be expected, WW lost almost all interest in wanting to communicate at all once she couldn't get her way.
It's been VERY difficult going days on end with basically NC, but I am starting to adjust and do more GAL. I feel your pain. No doubt this is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. But I take comfort in knowing others have been there and made it out the other side. Regarding the dinner, it's your call, but I would suggest that you don't accept every invitation involving your W and her family. Maybe once in a while, it's fine, but the rest of the time, I would try to come up with other plans be be busy during that time. I'm sure her family will understand, and your W will probably be relieved. You don't want to put continuous pressure on her by being around all the time. I know it will be hard, and you want to be there, but IMO, it's not helping. Your W needs some time away from you to sort out her feelings. Hang in there brother. I'll be following for updates.
dwh,
Thank you. Wow im sorry for your situation too. It is hard to detach from someone under the same roof.
My W is a good person but I think she is experiencing some MLC. She has not had an A but im sure she has thought about it. She is under a lot of pressure from her family and me. So I think I will set this dinner out. I just bought the DR book so it will give me some time to be alone to read.
I hope things turn out well for you and your family. I pray every night for this to end but the hits keep coming. I know we can get through this its just maddening.
thanks again.
Just bought the DR book. I know I have to read it all but just skimming through before w got home. Feel like I got a plan already
So dinner at brother in laws house is going we'll so far.
So dinner at brother in laws house went well. I was able to avoid my w. No contact other than having to see her. I'm playing golf this morning. With me luck. I'm still very shook up but hoping to have a good day.
Just bought the DR book. I know I have to read it all but just skimming through before w got home. Feel like I got a plan already
Start with chapter ten.
Good lord patients is hard to achieve. I want this to be over.
It's a very long road brother. I can tell how badly you are struggling. I totally understand and feel the same most of the time. Nobody around me gets it. My family and friends just keep saying to move on, it's over. Tell me I could never trust her again and it would never be the same between us. It's so easy to say those kinds of things, until you are in this position. Like you, I just want my W and family back.
I think that it does get easier with time, but still believe you are going to have a difficult time detaching with W living in the same house. Some guys can pull it off, but I'm not sure I could, and from your story, I would say it's going to be the same for you. Do your best to stay busy and plan activities w/o your W. You'll probably still think about her constantly for a while but will slowly start to adjust. Just keep moving forward one day at a time.
My family is saying the same thing. Her family is saying that I can't give up. And they don't get how hard it is to live through this
My family is saying the same thing. Her family is saying that I can't give up. And they don't get how hard it is to live through this
Nobody who hasn't been through this will ever be able to understand it. I remember when I used to say to myself, that if I ever caught my W cheating, that would be it! Kick her to the curb, be a total a-hole to her, no regrets on my part, never look back. Oh, how much different reality is when it happens. This is just one of those experiences that nobody can predict how they will really feel until they live through it.
My sitch is the same, in that my family is all pretty much in the "move on" camp, but WW's sisters are still hoping for me to hold on. As time goes on though, even they are starting to understand that it might really be over and wouldn't blame me for filing D. Funny enough, WW's own father almost immediately encouraged me to move on the second he found out. He went through something similar in his life with his 1st M, so I'm sure this hits close to home for him.
All I can tell you is that things should start to get a little easier as you start to detach. I can feel myself letting go a little more every day. I almost feel guilty sometimes, because I know I'm the only one with any interest in saving the M right now. But I can't keep living with a pit in my stomach 24-7, unable to concentrate on anything for more than 5 minutes. I'm doing my best to lovingly detach, while still leaving the door open for a possible R. I believe I can maintain that position for a few months, but know that I'm going to eventually hit a breaking point and just be done. Even now, I'm starting to question sometimes whether I really want my W back, and whether I could ever trust her again. But I'll cross that bridge when and if I get get to it. Hang tough.
Thanks dwh,
I remember thinking the same thing. That it wouldn't bother me if she left and I would have a great life without her. But I was so wrong. I just finished playing golf with her brother. He has been very supportive to me but he just don't understand why I can't stop worrying. He thinks I'm acting weak. He's right but he has never been through something so traumatic.
I didn't play worth a &$/#%. Today. I appreciate hearing from you and the others on this site it has been helpful. As I'm writing this there is a lump in my throat and a sickness that I can't explain.
Sandia
Why do you say to start with chapter 10. My wife is not having an A as far as I know. I'm pretty convinced that she is not based on many things. Just wondering why u would want me to start there.
Nobody who hasn't been through this will ever be able to understand it. I remember when I used to say to myself, that if I ever caught my W cheating, that would be it! Kick her to the curb, be a total a-hole to her, no regrets on my part, never look back. Oh, how much different reality is when it happens. This is just one of those experiences that nobody can predict how they will really feel until they live through it.
That is absolute truth. I thought the same way.
One thing I will say to you both that I've picked up here and through my DB coach. Our marriage is dead and gone. At least the old one is. It is also not one worth holding onto or going back to. That's not to say a new R or M can't be born out of this and it can't be a better R or M than it ever was. Just accept that the old R is dead and gone. That will help. At least it did in my situation.
I can't help but think during this that it's all my fault. My logic says no its not all your fault but my mind is an a-hole. Saying things like " what makes you think anyone would want you much less your wife who knows you better than anyone". Just being pessimistic which is the norm these days.
I can't help but think during this that it's all my fault. My logic says no its not all your fault but my mind is an a-hole. Saying things like " what makes you think anyone would want you much less your wife who knows you better than anyone". Just being pessimistic which is the norm these days.
What you're feeling is perfectly normal. Remember, you own 50% of the blame for the M having issues. But your W owns 100% of the blame for having the A. There is NEVER a valid excuse for someone stepping out on a M. You need to examine yourself and realize whatever issues you have that contributed to the problems. And then work on fixing those. But your W also contributed, plus she made everything 10x worse by having an A.
Low self esteem is a huge issue when going through this process. All I can tell you is that there ARE women who will find you attractive, especially once you gain back some self confidence and be a proud man. I was feeling the same as you, but have found that whenever I am in public, just acting confident and smiling, sometimes striking up a conversation, can do wonders. I've even had some cute women flirting a little bit. It's perception; you need to perceive yourself as worthy and strong, then others will see you that way too. I know it's difficult but just go through the motions for now; fake it til ya make it. You WILL come out of this OK.
Ok made it through the day without talking to the w. That's a big deal for me. It has been tough but I did it. Thanks to all of you I'm gaining a bit of my dignity back. I thank God for you all, and pray diligently that God's will be done for all of us. People are imperfect and at the end of the day we can't rely on some other person to be in control of our happiness. I'm still a long way from being ok with this but for right now. I'm ok. The morning will bring a new day and new challenges.
My wife has not had an A as far as I know. I hope I didn't post that she has. She said when wants a divorce because I'm not the father or husband I should have been. Anything is possible and it wouldn't supreme me, but I don't think she has been unfaithful.
Ok made it through the day without talking to the w. That's a big deal for me. It has been tough but I did it. Thanks to all of you I'm gaining a bit of my dignity back. I thank God for you all, and pray diligently that God's will be done for all of us. People are imperfect and at the end of the day we can't rely on some other person to be in control of our happiness. I'm still a long way from being ok with this but for right now. I'm ok. The morning will bring a new day and new challenges.
Good job tk, one day at a time my friend. Every day brings new challenges and new possibilities. Just keep doing your best to follow DB despite the pain you're going through.
We're all in this with you so if you're struggling, come on here and let us know about it.
PP
I feel aweful this morning. I keep have dreams where she has agreed to work on the marraige. Only to wake up to reality. Oh God how this hurts.
Ok I'm not sure if w is moving out or not. I know she doesn't want to live with her mother an she is worried abouts where the kids will be. Her mother only lives a few miles from our house so I told her the kids can stay where they want to. I'm not sure how this will effect me. I'm sure it will be had for me to live in our home alone with all the pictures and things that remind me of our family. I do no that it will be easier to detach if I don't have to see her everyday.
I'm hoping to have a good day and I hope I can stay with the program. I hate this and wish it was over.
Why do you say to start with chapter 10. My wife is not having an A as far as I know. I'm pretty convinced that she is not based on many things. Just wondering why u would want me to start there.
Two reasons. The newly LBH is in such a hurry to get the formula to fix this problem that many guys never read through the entire book. Chapter ten, IMHO, is where she begins to zoom in on more specified problems, whether your W is in an A , or not. It's just a suggestion. I wasn't implying you not read the whole book.
Gotcha. Thanks again. In this day and age it's encouraging that there are people like you who are out there to help People when they need it most. No matter what happens in my life I have been humbled to the extreme. You all are great people and myself and so many others are blessed to have you all.
My w and kids went to church this morning without any trouble. W and I did not have much interaction. I have been using what I've learned here and not being drawn into any conflict.
The ride home was quite until my S7 said "I have praying to God and it is working because you and dad haven't had an argument in days". W and I were acknowledged him and nothing more was said.
From the mouths of babes.
Glad to hear you're still moving along. It's important to not have arguments, especially in front of the kids. That's one thing I'm proud of in my own sitch is that the kids have never even seen either of us raise our voice at each other through this whole thing. Pretty amazing when you think about it.
If your W moves out, it's going to be a mixed blessing. In the long run, it's probably for the best, as it will help you detach. But in the short run, it's going to hurt...badly. Believe me, I've been through it. And am still going through it, although it is getting slightly easier each day. As bad as it is to be in this situation and see her now, it's going to be that much worse when you don't see her for days on end. You're going to be thinking about her non-stop, probably for quite a while. Maybe several weeks, or even months. I've been doing bare min contact for about a month, and it's still tough.
But I think it's a necessary pain that you have to go through. You need to lovingly detach from your W to give your R a fighting chance. Right now, you're so emotional that you don't stand a chance of making the right choices and getting her interested again. So sorry to tell you, but prepare for a lot more pain. And stick do DBing as much as you can. I've been tempted to backslide so many times, but I always resist because I know this is what gives me the best chance. Remember, it's a LONG road back. Keep posting.
Time for a new thread. You have 101 postings/replies.
Ok, I've navigated the sea of WAW traps today. She tried to pull me in but I resisted. Hell yea that felt good. Even went shopping for schools supplies. I took care of the boys and took care of the D12. I know I have a long..... way..... to go. I had victory for 2 days and I'm proud of myself. She hasn't mentioned moving out since monday. I'm not bringing it up. I'm fine if she does. In fact it would probably be better. One day at a time. GOD GIVE ME THE PATIENTS THAT THIS REQUIRES.
How do I make a new thread. Sorry for the stupid question but I'm new at this
You make a new thread same way as you started your first one. Just name it the same and add Part 2 or something to distinguish it. And it's helpful to put a link in it to the last thread as your first post.
Your question about how to start a new thread isn't stupid. You would start the thread just as you did this one when you came to the forum.
To start a new thread:
1. Go to the top of the forum and you will see a read button that says "New Topic" this button is to the left of the button "Forum Options".
2. Click on the red button "New Topic"
3. Give your new thread a name in the blank "Subject" line and begin to post in the blank box that has "Post" to the left of it.
4. You may want to post a link to your old thread in your new posting.
5. You may also want to post a link in your old thread to your new thread.
If you aren't sure how to link your threads, I'll be happy to provide the instructions for that as well:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post2588047