Here's my first thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2585153&page=1So I tested my wife today Bc my parents dog died and she loved the dog too .
I get a cold response :
Her:
That's sad. Sorry to hear that. I don't mean to bring this up now but I'm going to be filing soon, probably this week. And I need to go to the house on Friday to get some more clothes. So if we can coordinate not running into each other that would be best. I'll move all my stuff out after my final exam on August 10th. I want to wait so I can be home with the cats since I'm getting a week off in August.
I said ok whenever she wants Friday and then she texts
Her: I will let you know on Thursday. It depends on if they give me Friday off from clincials. Also, I would like the ring back since it is my property.
I'm baffled at the coldness and now what ??!
Give her what she wants. She'll do it anyway. Who knows what she is expecting from you, but being friendly and focused on your life, is probably not one of them.
Don't text her on things like the dog she loved dying. It is one of those things she would find out eventually, and if she complains that you didn't let her know, tell her that she asked for space and want out of the M, so you were respecting her wishes. It will drive home that she will be out of your life if she keeps on the course. Also, it may have reminded her that she wanted to file and alert you, and that might have slipped a bit had you not contacted. You want the time, so give her the space and avoid initiating contact.
On dealing with Friday, just take it as something not unexpected, keep detached, but friendly. Think of her as a not-too-close friend. Focus on your GAL, and you will likely surprise her with how well you are handling this and that you aren't fighting her escape. Best way to get her thinking about what she is doing and the implications.
Good luck.
It amazes me how quickly they want to move things along, but hang in there, I agree with asitis, keep detached and hang in there! The dynamics will change eventually!
Asitis yeh I didn't know if I should tell her but thought she should know , she was such a caring wife with a big heart didn't expect such cold responses...:( so yeh when she texts on Friday she doesn't want me home so I'll be cordial and won't be home when she comes to pick up more of her stuff . Also What do I do about the ring , it's a lot of money.
Thanks guys I don't see the dynamics changing she's stuck to her word , has fully detached from me and is going forward quickly with the divorce . I honestly don't see anything that can be done she's made up her mind...
did she buy you the ring?
There are laws regarding who gets the ring if one partner fails to fulfill the promise of marriage, look into it, google it.
Remember that a divorce is simply a piece of paper (it is hard to accept but its the truth), she is going through a lot of emotions, self doubts, etc. Give her the space she needs, she is still going to do what she wants anyways.
I bought it . Yeh I googled it seems in California and most states it's her ring once we're married , if she broke off an engagement then it would have been mine. It's a big money hit I'll lose but I just want her back , but honestly she's hurting me with her coldness, and even reading DR and the board , I honestly don't see anything that will save my marriage .
And yeh these three weeks I only texted her today and she texts me only to talk about getting her stuff and filing the divorce papers. Nothing I can do
That's a shot to gut Aj. No other way to view it. It's times like this when I pull up Sandi's rules and read the one about not giving up hope no matter how dark things appear.
Life's funny, things change. Or they workout for the best and you just don't know it at the time.
Hang in there, we're thinking of you.
Ok AJ -
Here's the truth - there is nothing you can do TODAY to save your marriage. There is nothing you can do TOMORROW to save your marriage. This is not a three week fix or heck, likely, not a three month fix. This is about REPEATED, CONSISTENT behaviors over the long term. This is about you becoming the man you want to be. Not until you become THAT person is there a chance for her to want to come back. Right now, she is comparing being with you to being without you --- guess which she thinks is the better option.
There's nothing you can say to her right now to change her mind. Instead, your goal should be to BECOME the better option. It's hard. It hurts. It [censored]. But right now, it's not about saving your marriage. It's about YOU.
No contact and not pursuing is there to give YOU the space to grow. But just not contacting her is not enough without the other part. Now is a time for self reflection and self improvement. You have the time - now use it!
Even in the dr book from the "last resort technique" it says you should see a positive response within a week or two ... Three weeks for me and it gets worse.
Matt/everyone I try to implement other things too instead of just no contact but it's so hard , I'm trying , I'm sure when I get served this week I'll just regress more ... Having a hard time getting past the shock and her sudden coldness towards me
And I get it I have to be the man she once loved and even be the "better " option , but she's so detached she won't see any changes and once she files this week she'll be gone for good bc we have nothing to link us like children . She's cut loose , can't even see any changes
Even in the dr book from the "last resort technique" it says you should see a positive response within a week or two ... Three weeks for me and it gets worse.
I don't have the book in front of me, so I won't argue against this. But one of the biggest things I've learnèd is that this process is SSSSLLLLOOOOWWWWW. Look around the board at people's situations. I've been here less than 3 months, and I stiil feel like a noob. This is not going to be fixed in a week or two.
Matt/everyone I try to implement other things too instead of just no contact but it's so hard , I'm trying
give some examples - what did your W express were problems? What problems did you see? How are you trying to change? What are your goals?
I'm sure when I get served this week I'll just regress more ... Having a hard time getting past the shock and her sudden coldness towards me
It [censored]. That's why detachment is key but damn it's tough. Keep working at it.
Pg.136
Wife said my reservations about having kids made her think I didn't want them. I told her the month she came back I do want them , explained why I thought I didn't and why I want them ...nothing i can do to show her now
Wife said I wasn't saying I love you enough or hugging her enough ...don't know what I can do to change that she's gone.
Most of her grievances I can't do anything about she's gone , and add to that she's cut off all contact so she won't know anyway .
Aj, this is the toughest part of DB'ing. It's backward thinking. You have to make the changes not caring whether she sees them or not.
It's tough to wrap your brain around, so just start making the changes. Pretend there's an eye in the sky and until you get to the point where you truly don't care whether she knows or not, she won't come around.
Ok.
So you didn't hug her enough or say I love you enough. So what do you think that says about you? Are you unappreciative? Are you not gracious?
You didn't want kids. Are you worried about the responsibility? Are you worried about money? Are you worried about your paternal capacity?
It's not about solving the actual problems she cited. You can't go hug her now. You aren't going to impregnate her now. Instead, think about what she was REALLY upset about. How do you fix THAT?
So if you bought the ring why do you have it? did she give it back to you and now wants it back?
By fixing me.... I've started to go to church again, I'm working on being more sympathetic by seeing where I went wrong , I'm identifying why she left and figuring out what I need to do for myself to fix it ...just hard when she throws daggers like today .
Make changes for YOU. I was pretty certain my W would file very quickly too. She hasn't yet. It's been over 2 months since I found out about her A, and we've been separated almost a month now. It's a tough, slow, agonizing process, but you HAVE to detach. You have to start developing into someone she wants to be around. Right now, she doesn't want to be around you. Don't change anything about you for her, do it for you.
we have all been given the gift of time to ourselves. Use it wisely.
I just spent a nice couple of days with my W. Some of the most calm, and satisfying in months. No sex or relationship talks, just two people hanging out having fun with our daughter. I never would have imagined if you asked me a month ago if this would be possible. I thought I was headed for divorce. I might still be. I don't know what is in her head anymore. But I do know that she'd much rather be around who I am now than who I was a month ago. I've still got a long way to go. So do you. Be patient, breathe, focus, and get out and do something.
Asitis yeh I didn't know if I should tell her but thought she should know , she was such a caring wife with a big heart didn't expect such cold responses...:( so yeh when she texts on Friday she doesn't want me home so I'll be cordial and won't be home when she comes to pick up more of her stuff . Also What do I do about the ring , it's a lot of money.
Remember that she is not the W you knew. She may be again some day, or at least someone more like that person, but during the pain and stress of the sitch, she will not act like the person you knew. This is one of the hardest things to adjust to, because you don't really know them in the present, and so what worked in the past may not now.
On the ring, remember that it may have cost a lot & replacement value might be high, but what you'd get selling it would be much, much less than you expect.
On the charging straight ahead, do you suspect an OM in her life? Was there some big event in her life that really could have traumatized her and caused her to want to run hard and fast?
With no kids in the picture & only recently M, she can push this through fairly fast (I'm not familiar w/ CA law, but if I remember it has a fairly short waiting period after serving petition). It [censored], but you don't know her mindset completely, just what she is telling you and doing. It doesn't mean that she won't change her mind. Just keep detaching, focus on GAL and yourself, and she may surprise you.
Sorry that we can't offer much other than vague encouragement to stay the course, but it's not over until it is.
Thanks all, just don't know if it will work she texted today that I'll get D papers this week , also with no child to link us she will have no reason to contact me once the D is finalized, bc even now she doesn't even want me around when she comes by to get her clothes to take back to her moms. She's set the D date and even the date when the moving truck comes to get all her stuff. I have nothing to cling to not even a chance, even though I'm making steps to change myself for me
Thanks asitis Cali law has six months separation before finalized. No OM as far as me or anyone knows ...anesthesiology school has her stressed and depressed which exasperated this all . I won't fight the ring it cost me 14k+ but not worth it Cali law will ultimately give it to her anyway .
Forget the ring. Why do you want it? As a souvenir? As a bargaining chip for later? Let her keep it, pawn it, whatever she wants to do with it. You're trying to hold on to something of "hers".
You are the pursuer right now. She is the distacer. You have to work on yourself to change that dymamic. Read the distancer/pursuer homework from Cadet and it will start to become clear.
Start to accept that there is nothing you can do at this point to change your W's fellings, actions, opinions, thoughts, etc.
But you can change YOU.
So you have 6 months. There's plenty of stories about people calling it off at the divorce table or walking into the courthouse or even getting back together after divorce. There's no reason to give up hope until you decide to. None of us know what the future holds. Think about where you were six months ago. Now think about today. How do you possibly know where you'll be six months from now?
So all we can do is be READY if that time comes when our W will consider R. So who do you want to be if that time comes? That's the work to do now.
They will give her the ring itself, but it will (probably - again I'm not expert on CA common law statutes) go against her share of the marital assets, so you aren't really losing financially.
Don't worry about the lack of contact after the D, as the D is 6 months away. You don't know what will happen. I still think something is missing if there is no OM, some traumatic life event, or some really serious incident in your M that caused her to run like h*ll. Not that it would likely matter, but it doesn't add up.
Hang in there. All you can do is GAL, stop any and all pursuit, and see what happens. It changed on a dime. Read what you want into that in terms of what could happen in the future. If it changes again, you'll have a lot of work figuring out what happened, how to address that, and whether you can hitch your wagon back to that M after this.
Thanks everyone , the death of a beloved friend /companion /dog today made me sob even more and then when I text my wife the news --she knows how my parents and me loved the dog like member of the family but she replies about D stuff , wanting the ring back,? I'm like to myself who is this women, I don't know her these past three weeks . Honestly no traumatic event Asitis , that month she came back she was distant when I begged for her to stay then she left . Said its Bc she knows I don't want kids (I do) , doesn't love me anymore , I don't show enough affection , etc....
AJ,
I am very sorry to hear for your loss and the way your were treated by your W. That is inexcusable!
I think we all wonder who are WAS' are. As painful as it was, I think W was trying to get to you by not mentioning the dog at all. Again, totally inexcusable but your best move is to not say anything more about it. Maybe W will acknowledge it in a day or two.
Hang in there my friend.
Bob
Give her the ring back. This is about so much more than a ring.
Dont send texts. Dont respond to mean/angry texts.
Even if you reconcile, your current marriage is over. You will be starting fresh. You need to be the best YOU possible.
I am/was right where you were a month ago. Be patient. Things do get better, but it takes time. My W said the exact same things to me. She is coming around slowly. But I'm not pushing her either.
one of her concerns was I was too dependent on her. If I continued to show I depend on her, then that wouldn't help much would it? I had to pull a 180 and start being dependent on ME. I have a long way to go. I slip up. I backslide. I kick myself and wake up sometimes. I lean on people in this forum...but one thing is sure...I dont NEED my W anymore.
Breathe. This too shall pass.
Slowly.
Thanks everyone . Rough three weeks for me , I will give her the ring back no fight . Don't care about money only her .
That's a good start. Now, when you give it back, don't say "I don't care about money, I only care about you." Just give it to her. If she asks something like "why the change of heart", etc. Just say something like "because it's the right thing to do."
Don't expect a thanks, or a big smile, or a hug...She's going to look at it like a thief giving back her purse that he stole. (I know you didn't steal the ring from her, but she will look at it like you shouldn't have had it in the first place).
Really listen to what everyone on here tells you. It's hard. I resisted at first, I didn't trust anyone...but go back and read my first threads...I do all the time to remind myself how far I've come. (Note...I really haven't come that far, but compared to where I was emotionally just a few weeks ago, it's night and day).
Thanks Ralphy she doesn't want me home when she gets her stuff and the ring so I'm defenitely not expecting any kind words from her. What's funny is three weeks ago she told me to keep the ring and sell it and pay off some credit cards , now she wants it , go figure .
Btw I'm getting used to her cold texts to me the last three weeks on just wanting a divorce, and coordinating when I'm not home so she picks up her stuff before her final move out in August .
Hi everyone , question I think I know the answer to but my wife's birthday is coming up at the end of July and our wedding anniversary at the end of August , do I text her or send her anything? I'm thinking no bc I'm detaching and yesterday's text of the death of a dear pet to her just yielded a cold response from her
You are right, Aj...she fired you from that job right now and will only see both of those as pressure/pursuing.
Hang in there! It truly will get easier. Just remember to self care. In the early days, that's the best we can do some days. Okay in the later days too, but not even close as often as now.
E
Hi everyone , need some help . Wife's coming friday to get more of her stuff from our place . So last week as part of detaching and the fact it hurt looking at all our pictures all around the apartment , I took them down and put other stuff up with her not in them . Should I like put a framed wedding picture on my side of the bed to show I love /miss her still , because when she comes to the apartment (I won't be home , she doesn't want to see me) won't she get angry I took all our pictures down and think I don't care?
So you took down all the pictures of her, but now you want one by your bed so it's the last thing you see when you go to bed, and the first thing you see in the morning?
You aren't detached. It's time to detach. She fired you. If your job fires you, would you keep a picture of your boss by the bed?
I think taking all the pictures down was the wrong move. It shows her you've been thinking about her. You should be too busy to be worrying about taking pictures down. You'll get to those when you have time. Right now you're out having too much fun to worry about pictures on the wall.
I also think you acknowledge her birthday with a quick "happy birthday" text, but don't acknowledge your anniversary. I'm not an expert at this though, but I'm looking through a different lens...she knows that you know it's her birthday. No divorce or separation or fighting between you changes the day of her birth. I think if you ignore it completely, it makes it obvious that you are intentionally ignoring it. Just like taking the pictures down, I think sometimes you can look desperate/trying to make a statement rather than just be genuine.
Hi Aj,
I just wanted to stop by and inform you that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I have not forgotten about you! How are you feeling?
Please keep a PMA, don’t give up and keep moving forward. We all have your back.
Your friend,
Bob
Ralphy I genuinely needed to take the pics down , it was hard looking at them, I did that for me , I want to just put that pic by the bed for Friday so she sees i still care?
On her b-day I'm nervous to text anything because look at her response to a dear family members death (my fathers and my dog) .
Look. She knows you still care. I don't think a picture by your bed is the right move. Stop worrying about her so much and worry about you. If you dumped someone, then went to their house, what would you think if they put your picture by their bed?
Hi Bob,
Thanks for checking in , still hard for me , have my good moments and bad , taking it day by day
Matt , don't you think it would reinforce her beliefs that we are done Bc I took all our pics down from the apt? I really did it for me , to detach and work on myself, looking at our pictures just made me cry
Thanks for checking in, still hard for me, have my good moments and bad, taking it day by day.
Hey Aj,
My pleasure, and I feel the same way, too. This board will not give up on you. Post for advice or to vent any time you need to. The best chance we have at "making it" is by thinking positive thoughts. It doesn't guarantee anything but it will help in the long-term.
Regards,
Bob
Matt , don't you think it would reinforce her beliefs that we are done Bc I took all our pics down from the apt? I really did it for me , to detach and work on myself, looking at our pictures just made me cry
You tell me what you would think if it was the other way around. You just dumped someone. They took down all your pictures but added one to the nightstand?
Is that a strong, attractive person out getting a life?
Or is that a needy person clinging to the past crying them self to sleep looking at you?
Putting it that way Matt you're right I'd look like a crying sap who hasn't moved on ...no pic by the bed ! Funny thing my MIL still keeps in contact with me , reduced me just now about the passing of my dog so my wife had told her . I don't want her to keep contacting me like everything is normal
*texted me now not "reduced"
You don't need to look like you've moved on. You need to appear like you aren't sitting around thinking about her all day. You need to look like you are capable of living your life with or without her.
As for MIL, the more positive interactions you can have with people around your W, the better. Your W won't listen to you right now. But she may listen to family and friends. Treat them well. But when around them, act as if!
Thank you for all your help Matt , really appreciate this . You don't think she'll think I overdid it by taking down our pictures? I really did it for my sanity. Also with the MIL I didn't even bring up the divorce situation or that her daughter said I'll get the paperwork this week, in fact I didn't even bring up my wife nor did she . Is that good?
Also she took not only me off but my family and friends off of Facebook, should I take her friends and family off? Her bro , sis , and sis love me , but she blocked me! don't think it's right she can still through them see what I'm up to ?
Thank you for all your help Matt , really appreciate this . You don't think she'll think I overdid it by taking down our pictures?
Overdid WHAT? She LEFT. she isn't going to think you aren't attached to her until you act like you aren't. Take the pictures down, put them up. It doesn't really matter. It's about what you want. Nothing you do for HER right now will have any kind of impact. If she decides she wants to R later, it isn't going to be because you put pictures of her up.
Also with the MIL I didn't even bring up the divorce situation or that her daughter said I'll get the paperwork this week, in fact I didn't even bring up my wife nor did she . Is that good?
Yes. Good.
Thank you for all your help Matt , really appreciate this . You don't think she'll think I overdid it by taking down our pictures? I really did it for my sanity. Also with the MIL I didn't even bring up the divorce situation or that her daughter said I'll get the paperwork this week, in fact I didn't even bring up my wife nor did she . Is that good?
So what if she does think you overdid it? She's leaving you. Don't you think she overdid it not wanting to sit down and work things out? If she asks, just look at her and say "Really?"
If she pushes, say that "she is the one who has walked out and doesn't want to work on things, who wants to move on with her life without me. I'm respecting your wishes, but it is not easy for me, and the reminders of what she is leaving are not good for me right now. Just as I am respecting you doing what you need to take care of yourself, respect my doing what is necessary to take care of myself."
If she still is mad, just say "I'm sorry you feel that way" and leave it at that. She is the one calling the shots, so she has no ground to stand on. If she is hurt or bothered by the consequences, that is a good thing. You aren't being mean or childish. I mean you could have drawn all sorts of nasty things on them, or put up photoshopped pictures of her in their place. See the difference?
And, definitely remove the bedside picture.
Also she took not only me off but my family and friends off of Facebook, should I take her friends and family off? Her bro , sis , and sis love me , but she blocked me! don't think it's right she can still through them see what I'm up to ?
Do you want to take them off Facebook? Make choices for YOU. Not for whether your wife might think one way or another. Who cares if she can see your stuff?
Asitis I love what you said if she responds to our pics together not up anymore , I'll use what you said if she confronts me on it. Thanks !!
Matt , I rather keep them , love them too much , but don't want reminders of her especially when they post pics of my wife and them
So, don't follow those people. You go into each of their pages and there is a following button. Change it to don't follow. There stuff won't appear on your feed. Your stuff will still appear on theirs. If you want to be more interactive, find an occasional time when you want to go visit their pages to like or comment on the posts you want.
Like Matt said, make choices that makes sense for you, rather than focus on what she will think or not. It is part of detaching & GAL that you focus on going on w/ your life. Just be careful that she will likely see things you post via the family commenting, so don't just spout off thinking you can do so with impunity.
Also, no reason you can't take long FB breaks. Sort of like going on a new diet. "I'll only have desert every three days instead of every day." Don't think in all or nothing.
You seem to be overly worried about making an impact on her, or sending her just the right message that will draw her back. Forget about that. It won't work and you'll drive yourself crazy. The only message that works is that you are taking care of yourself and not pursuing her right now, that you are going on with your life and will be happy. That is what makes you attractive. She'll notice, and hopefully figure out if that is something she wants in her life again at some point, or she won't. If the latter, you'll be so much further along the healing process. If the former, you'll be so much better prepared for working on the M with her.
Set a little reminder on your cell phone task list or a private appointment with an alarm that goes off every morning for the next week that says "Today I will focus on me!" Sounds silly, but those kind of reminders do help.
Aj...reality check time. We are all here for you. We are all in the same situation. Some have been a here two days, some 2 years. I'm not going to pretend to have the right answers. If I did, I wouldn't be here, I'd be on vacation with my wife and daughter, or sleeping in my marital bed.
But I do know one thing...the pain inside me has subsided to about 10%. The gutwrenching, horrible feeling you are feeling now, the scared little kid, the confusion, the lack of motivation, the desire to fix everything, change your W, stop the D talk...WILL go away. Whether it takes a week, a month, or a decade is up to YOU.
I was there, up until about 2 weeks ago. Then something changed - and all due to this forum, reading books, and talking to my IC. Mostly though, I made a committment to MYSELF to listen to what all these people around me had to say...my forum family, online experts, and my counselor.
The common thread from everyone is first and foremost, focus on YOU. Make decisions for YOU. Your W will make decisions for HER. Nothing you do - not what to eat, take down pictures, put up pictures, go out, sleep, go to church, join a gym, absolutely nothing should be for HER. This is about improving you and only you and making yourself "someone only a fool would leave".
I love my W dearly. I would do anything for her. I cry at night, I miss my daughter, I would trade my right arm to be back with my W. But there is not a chance in heck that I would even consider telling her any of that...not through my actions or my words...that, my friend is detaching.
Detaching is not treating her poorly, or showing her how much you DONT care, or ignoring her completely. Detaching is creating within YOU a frame of mind that you will be OK without her. It is establishing an emotional moat around your temple that does not let anyone who means you harm access. Right now, that is your W. You need to keep her out of your inner circle, only allowing her to see an external view that YOU control.
You need to be able to hear a song, see pictures, interact with people that remind you of her and come to terms with the fact that all of that is over and will not come back in the same form...but it happened and you are a better person because of it.
This inner strength comes from deep, deep soul searching, and from strength that you build up physically and emotionally. Acting with dignity and out of strength is attractive. Getting a life is attractive. Not being an emotional roller coaster, but rather a confident, energetic, stable individual is attractive.
Get yourself to a point where it doesn't matter if the pictures are up or down...either way you don't notice them...they are just...there.
And stay off Facebook for awhile.
Also, one last thing...I wouldn't be sleeping at my parents house right now if I knew how to save a marriage...
But I've gotten really good at saving ME.
Thanks guys so she texts me tonight again very cold tone says I better have the ring there for her to pick up or she'll get a lawyer and go after alimony and my condo in DC. I replied the ring will be there , just give me a heads up tomorrow so I can leave (she said she doesn't want me home when she comes to get more of her stuff and the ring). Mind you I never said I'm keeping the ring.
I wanted to tell her she can't threaten me to get my condo it was bought before our marriage , etc . But I coolly said the ring will be at the house for her to pick it up. She then said she's going to court tomorrow to fill out the divorce papers.
Her threats /coldness/rudeness have me baffled and now I'm pissed ....who is this woman??
Thanks guys so she texts me tonight again very cold tone says I better have the ring there for her to pick up or she'll get a lawyer and go after alimony and my condo in DC. I replied the ring will be there , just give me a heads up tomorrow so I can leave (she said she doesn't want me home when she comes to get more of her stuff and the ring). Mind you I never said I'm keeping the ring.
I wanted to tell her she can't threaten me to get my condo it was bought before our marriage , etc . But I coolly said the ring will be at the house for her to pick it up. She then said she's going to court tomorrow to fill out the divorce papers.
Her threats /coldness/rudeness have me baffled and now I'm pissed ....who is this woman??
Have you talked to a lawyer yet?
Knowledge is power. There more you understand, the less her threats will impact you.
Stay strong Aj, you're right in the middle of a [censored] storm, but it will pass. Let her go a bit crazy, she's running on emotions that have her acting out of turn. They can't last forever so stick to the basics and keep yourself as emotionally safe as possible.
PP
Matt, yes I spoke to a lawyer she can't get the condo , or alimony since our marriage is less than a year. I don't like her threats and wanted to get her on it , but I kept cool.
Pigpen, this last week with the way she's treating me , makes it easier for me to focus on myself . Didn't cry or break down today .
She's not my wife , I've never seen this side of her in 7 years . Don't know who this person is ... I honestly don't think she even misses me and the spead she's going after divorce looks like her minds set.
She's flipped all in less than 2 months on issues that shouldn't make one flip out like this
She's flipped all in less than 2 months on issues that shouldn't make one flip out like this
That's why you can't spend time in her head. Nobody knows what's going on in there.
She's making it easier for me to detach and focus on me. She's treating me like a criminal with all her hate towards me I don't get it ..honestly I don't see reconciliation with the way she's acting and her actions
honestly I don't see reconciliation with the way she's acting and her actions
Can you see Alaska from your front porch?
Do you believe it doesn't exist because you can't see it?
You never know what may happen in the future, so don't focus too far out. There's no benefit in worrying about R if she doesn't want to R right now. Any energy you put into that is wasted. Just accept that it may be possible someday as long as you keep hope alive.
Thanks Matt , not putting anything towards R at the moment or any energy . She's gone nuts
Aj, everything she is doing right now, my W did at the beginning. She's acting out of fear. This is your chance to handle it appropriately. Stay calm and do NOT respond to any angry texts. They aren't worth your time.
Also, make sure to save every text that she sends. Do not delete anything, and check your phone settings to make sure they don't auto erase after a certain amount of them or a certain time. I lost some doozies from the beginning because my phone purged them after 50 texts.
We are all here for you buddy. This is going to test every ounce of strength you have. Lean on us.
Thanks Ralphy, et all.
Did your wife ever say why she did that or even apologize? It took so much strength for me not to respond in anger over her threats to go after my condo and alimony if I don't have the ring out for her tomorrow , the same ring she took off and left here and the same ring i never said I'm keeping .
You're doing great on not responding in kind to her behavior. Remember that she may be intentionally or unintentionally trying to goad you into a fight. Even the L might advise her to do this so that you respond in a way that they can use against you at some point. Having your own L is a good way to both alert you to traps, but also have someone to refer her too if she escalates and becomes too uncivil.
Good luck dealing with the unpleasantries.
We aren't reconciled. We aren't even close, but we've gotten to a point now where we can tolerate each other...but it took a couple weeks of me being in absolute agony and then finally realizing that I don't want to be withthe new her. It would be miserable. The old her was abducted or is/was lost in the fog.
There's nothing that makes detaching easier than the way your W is acting right now. Use all that angry energy to propel you to being the best, most confident Aj you've evr been.
Everyone is different, but also what worked for me is I read and reread her nasty texts over and over and over until I became immune to the effects. Then I looked at each one and started thinking about how I contributed to getting us there. This is tough. She has a lot of issues to work through, but remember, you do too.
Really analyze her words and know that you can't fix her right now.
Thanks Asitis, my lawyer/friend also said what you said.
Ralphy, very true, I don't want to be around this new woman that doesn't resemble my wife and her texts are helping me detach and not be a crying emotional sap , I'm definitely using her negative , mean and hateful texts as energy for me to improve myself and start living again!
"Do not believe anything of what they say and 50% of what they do"--
For my situation thus far she's done exactly what she's said 100%, today I got the D papers and she got her ring and more stuff from the apartment .
I'm not giving up and doing a lot of good for myself but I think honestly she's moved on, threw 7 years away and wants a life w/o me. Can't db if one person has genuinely moved on
can't db if one person has genuinely moved on
I could be wrong, but in my understanding, the whole POINT of DB is what to do when one person has moved on.
can't db if one person has genuinely moved on
I could be wrong, but in my understanding, the whole POINT of DB is what to do when one person has moved on.
I guess what I meant is I don't see a R in the future
Aj
Cue up that scene from Animal house ...
Its only over when you decide it is. DBing is all about changing ones approach, perspective ... little to do with the WAS.
You only have a few weeks under your belt and if you decide to raise the white flag that's on you. People here DB during a rough patch, separation, even after a divorce. Its all about when they decide to give up on the M or R.
Ball is actually in your court not hers.
can't db if one person has genuinely moved on
I could be wrong, but in my understanding, the whole POINT of DB is what to do when one person has moved on.
I guess what I meant is I don't see a R in the future
I know that's what you meant.
Let's say you "give up". You help push through this divorce, it gets done, you never talk to your W again. What have you learned? How will your next relationship be better?
We all come here trying to SAVE OUR MARRIAGES. But, to be honest, there is nothing that we can do to save the marriage; it takes two to be in a relationship, and you can't control whether the other person wil change their mind.
What we DO control is ourselves. We control how we react with our spouses, how we interact with other people, how we react to our spouses, etc. By examining ourselves and improving the person we are and the way that we interact with others, we become better, more attractive versions of ourselves. And there's a CHANCE our spouses will want to date THAT person.
So the steps are really:
1) set goals for who you want to be
2) achieve those goals
3) your spouse takes notice
4) you decide whether to reconcile together
What if you decide to give up on this relationship and start again. In order to find s new mate, I'd expect you'd do the following:
1) set goals for who you want to be
2) achieve those goals
3) start dating
DBing is all about the first two steps. So, yes, you CAN DB when one person has moved on. You can't see what your step 3 will be until you're in step 2.
Make sense?
Caliguy balls definitely not on my court she doesn't want to see me only communicates/texts to say when she filed , when she picks up stuff from our place so I won't be home when she does and when she finally moves all her stuff out. There's no communication , or anything--haven't seen her in almost a month now . She not only doesn't care what's going on with me she won't even see/hear about my changes .
Matt I gotcha
can't db if one person has genuinely moved on
I could be wrong, but in my understanding, the whole POINT of DB is what to do when one person has moved on.
I guess what I meant is I don't see a R in the future
I know that's what you meant.
Let's say you "give up". You help push through this divorce, it gets done, you never talk to your W again. What have you learned? How will your next relationship be better?
We all come here trying to SAVE OUR MARRIAGES. But, to be honest, there is nothing that we can do to save the marriage; it takes two to be in a relationship, and you can't control whether the other person wil change their mind.
What we DO control is ourselves. We control how we react with our spouses, how we interact with other people, how we react to our spouses, etc. By examining ourselves and improving the person we are and the way that we interact with others, we become better, more attractive versions of ourselves. And there's a CHANCE our spouses will want to date THAT person.
So the steps are really:
1) set goals for who you want to be
2) achieve those goals
3) your spouse takes notice
4) you decide whether to reconcile together
What if you decide to give up on this relationship and start again. In order to find s new mate, I'd expect you'd do the following:
1) set goals for who you want to be
2) achieve those goals
3) start dating
DBing is all about the first two steps. So, yes, you CAN DB when one person has moved on. You can't see what your step 3 will be until you're in step 2.
Make sense?
I agree with Matt 100% here Aj. It's a hard perception shift to swallow, but once you do I think it all falls into place.
Caliguy, balls definitely not on my court
if you understand what I posted, I don't think you would say this
she doesn't want to see me only communicates/texts to say when she filed , when she picks up stuff from our place so I won't be home when she does and when she finally moves all her stuff out. There's no communication , or anything--haven't seen her in almost a month now . She not only doesn't care what's going on with me she won't even see/hear about my changes. Its not about her. It's about YOU. You have to do steps 1 + 2 before there's any reason to worry about 3 + 4. If you reconciled right now, things would not be any different!
She not only doesn't care what's going on with me she won't even see/hear about my changes .
Don't worry about what she will/won't see. You aren't making these changes for her, you're making them for you.
D papers are just paper. They don't define you. There is a long time between the creation of those papers and the absolute end to your M. Obviously, it is leaning in that direction.
Ask yourself, do you truly want to save your M the way she is acting? Are you in love with the current form of your W, or are you holding on to the memories of what/who she USED to be and wanting that back? I can't imagine you want to be with the current W. Remember, it's two "different" people we are talking about.
If I told you right now, I had some magic pixie dust that would make your W walk through the door right now and tell you she's moving back in and staying married to you, but it wouldn't change her attitude, it wouldn't change the way she treats you, and wouldn't change her in any way shape or form - but she would be with you, would you take it? Think about that.
Ralphy,
I'm still in love with what we were just a month ago even
this current wife I don't know who she is , 7 years and she never acted like this --cold , distant, mean, etc.
I am improving myself , just hard to let go of what I had and trying to wrap my head around why she did this when everyone including her family and friends see our problems as normal in a marriage and easy to fix...
Caliguy balls definitely not on my court she doesn't want to see me only communicates/texts to say when she filed , when she picks up stuff from our place so I won't be home when she does and when she finally moves all her stuff out. There's no communication , or anything--haven't seen her in almost a month now . She not only doesn't care what's going on with me she won't even see/hear about my changes .
Aj ... I know you may feel that the your W has all the power right now, and granted I have been at this far longer than you have.
Here is the deal, you are reacting to her actions. You have given her that power over you ... she did not take this, you have released this on your own ... most likely out of fear .. fear of what your life is and will be without her in it ... you have given her this power.
When you decide to truly DB, you will rebuild yourself, you are not detached, I hav enot read all your sitch but if you have read the books, paid attention to the forums here .. GAL and PMA are the tools you need to use here to detach and worry about what you can control .. which just happens to be yourself.
Your W filed, her choice her action, you can either accept it and deal with this, or toss your hands up and quit ... the later will not serve you well as you are most likely not going to grow from this.
The comment you made:
[ why she did this when everyone including her family and friends see our problems as normal in a marriage and easy to fix...
Her choice and you have no control over it, and most likely she did not see an 'easy' fix ... nor have the changes you made been noticed let alone trusted ... its about consistancy.
Personally, looking back on my sitch .. I will be honest. Like you at first I was a "Why/how could she do this" type ... looking at who I was now .... I would not wanna be married to me either, and you know what? I would NEVER had made the changes I did without the BD and the pain to follow. Now, I like me, I like my new life ... I am actively working on my M but if she decided today its not going to work , I would be disappointed but I know I also would be OK with it knowing I did everything I could possibly do to save my M, more importantly I became a much better and stronger man out of all this.
Like I said .. the ball is in YOUR court ... pick it up and go home..stay the same, or you can practice the free throws and become better.
It's very tough to grasp. I'm right there with you. Part of changing YOU will be the realization though (it took me a few weeks) - that the M hasn't been good for a long time (for you, probably even before the wedding). YOU just thought it has been good. The cold, distant, and mean is an outward expression of emotions that have been building up inside of her for longer than a month or two. Start thinking about what YOU did to help get to where you are.
This part is tough...don't just list things like "I didn't listen to her", or "I was lazy". List REAL, tangible things...
I'll give you some of mine...
1. I spent money on crap I didn't need and then didn't use it anyway, even though my W has been trying to save money so we can get a bigger house"
2. She asked me to clean up my stuff in the garage for two years, and I never did it, which contributed to her anxiety about having a messy house and validated her feelings that I didn't care about her feelings.
3. I lost interest in everything that didn't involve her and my daughter - I depended on them for my happiness.
This is three of about 30 things that I have written down (so far). I'm not beating myself up. I'm not blaming myself for the downfall of our M...I'm changing who I am by recognizing my faults and mistakes, learning from them, and removing SOME of the blame from her. because when BD happened two and a half months ago, I said the exact same thing you did...everything was fine up until this. I never saw this coming. How could she do this to me.
Until I grasped this accountability aspect, and accepted my role, I didn't start getting better...the pain didn't start going away. Once I started doing this though, it's been easier to breathe, and the pain is at 10%...AND my W has been more civil to me, because I can keep a PMA for longer than 3 minutes.
Hey AJ,
I was happily married to. More so, I love my W to death and have for about a decade.
Like Ralphy I was so happy that I had to be high every night to get to sleep (but that was about work), I had to drink from Wed night through Sunday (but that was about work), I was terrified that my W was going to leave me any day (but that's about my own abandonment issues), our sex life was often a mess (I was just scared of intimacy), but the last six months before she left were the marriage of both of our dreams (she "moved on" six months prior).
You see? There are parts of my M that I would kill for. And parts that I see in hindsight were clearly broken. That's why you have to walk away from it, work like a dog on yourself and your 50% of it, and hope that she does too. Then and only then do you have a chance of forming a new relationship at this point.
Right now, she doesn't see the changes because you haven't made any substantive changes or had any "aha" moments that she can see.
She also doesn't have the desire to "fix" you either, just as you can't fix her, she can't fix you.
She may start coming around when she realizes that you're taking care of yourself, and not expecting her to fix you...then she can focus on fixing herself...then and only then can you both start fixing your M. This is going to take awhile.
And there is the real possibility that this will not happen at all, or that it will be messed up somewhere in the process, or she will just be happier moving on...but in the end you will be a better person.
Sad day today , tried to remain strong but when she filed , I got sad , isolated myself today and just reflected . One step forward 5 steps back . She's done everything she said she'd do thus far. Don't think any of sandis points have worked at all for my situation. I understand it's about me and improving myself but I guess part of me had hope of something else. I have to try to continue to gal and move forward.
There's nothing wrong with staying in and reflecting, especially on days that are tough. No one but you has to know you stayed in. For all your W knows, you went out and had the time of your life.
This is the best time for self improvement. When you do stay in, read something positive. Make lists of things to improve on yourself, or clean the house, something positive for you. It will help with your PMA.
Sandi is a wealth of knowledge. Remember, everyone is different, and that while most things apply, some dont. The "believe none of what they say and half of what they do" is a guideline to follow which basically boils down to "at this point, don't trust them, and don't depend on them". Just because your W filed the divorce papers doesn't mean she's committed to the D. (Believe half of what they do.)
You're in the worst stage of this right now. Please trust me when I say it does get better.
You should focus on one thing...getting your mind to a place where you are going to be ok if this proceeds and you end up divorced. Remember, you don't want to be with this W. The old W is already gone.
I'm here for you buddy. I don't have all the answers, but I will listen and give you suggestions and support.
Make today a positive day for YOU.
To add to what Ralphy said, even if you GET divorced, there's nothing to say you can't get married again. Honestly, as soon as BD happened, you were ALREADY divorced in your W's mind. The only thing that will change with the actual divorce is your tax status.
So, as we've said, all you can do is do things that you feel better about YOU. what have you always disliked about yourself? CHANGE IT. What have you always wanted to do? DO IT.
So after getting the divorce papers I went out with some friends last night was having a great time-then one of my friends wife who still I guess is on my wife's Facebook texts me a screenshot of my wife's post where she's saying that she's filed the D papers (again making it super public) and how she's at "peace finally, and looking forward to getting her life back." Almost ruined my night I don't want to see that stuff and told my wife's friend I don't want to know what she's doing /says my , etc.
Luckily my buddies helped me out to forget about it
Yep, that [censored]. But it's really nothing new. Keep doing what you're doing.
Good ol' Facebook...haven't been on there in over a month. W and I thankfully don't discuss our personal lives on there anyway.
Aj...stay strong and keep a PMA. Do not get sucked into this. I know it's hard to believe any of this is going to get better, but it will and it does. Just keep detached and be the best Aj you've ever been right now.
Keep reminding yourself with each childish act she pulls that this is NOT someone you want to be with. The old her is gone now...imagine as though she moved to France or something. The new her is not who you love or want to be with.
Thanks Ralphy/Matt, spoke to several marriage counselors , they confirmed what I thought , she's moved on and won't be back-her words/actions all have been done , she never even communicates with me or wants to see me (been almost 2 months now) and when a wife does this she's moved on permanently and I'm just chasing dreams if I even think there's a chance. This board helped me detach and work on myself , which i will continue to do but the marriage and women I loved is gone ..
Hey Aj8,
I am very sorry to hear this. I will say a prayer for you right after this post.
Peace, my friend. Peace.
Bob
Thanks Ralphy/Matt, spoke to several marriage counselors , they confirmed what I thought , she's moved on and won't be back-her words/actions all have been done , she never even communicates with me or wants to see me (been almost 2 months now) and when a wife does this she's moved on permanently and I'm just chasing dreams if I even think there's a chance. This board helped me detach and work on myself , which i will continue to do but the marriage and women I loved is gone ..
This is garbage advice. Where's the line to say she has "moved on" - 3 days? A week? A month? She's mad, yes. Clearly. And hurt. But who's to say tomorrow she won't wake up wanting to R.
That's why, ultimately, we, as LBS's hold the power. At any time, we can let go and decide to be done. But is that what you WANT?
Matt I want my wife back but it's not going to happen and I can heal faster not holding on to this "hope."
So It was a group session with three marriage counselors , after hearing my story and my wife's actions/words they all agreed it's past being angry ,she has shown she knows what she wants , out of the marriage, no turning back.
I told them about DB, they said in my situation with nothing linking us together longterm(kids, property,etc.) her detachment is easier and she's shown she's moved on .
They said DB is healthy in that you do positive changes for yourself and hold hope the W (or H) will come back but in all reality as one improves themselves and detaches, etc., and the spouse doesn't come back , you've already gone through the "healing" process and can move on . They summarized DB as therapy to move on . In my case I can see where they are right , wife has made no attempt to even talk/see me and the speed of her filing/moving out , announcing to everyone (including fb) reinforces that .
well on to healing
I've been here 3 months. I'm not going to convince you against three degrees professionals. But in my opinion, there is no benefit to worrying about what your W may or may not be doing or thinking. She's done. She's moved on....what difference does it make? No, you don't have kids. But you do have a 7 year relationship and a marriage.
My wife is pushing to file as fast as possible and making NC with me - my coach suggested this is because she is hurt and confused and doesn't want to face "the decision" longer than necessary.
Honestly, it sounds like you are seeking permission/approval to start dating. Otherwise, I don't see what difference any of the "moving on" talk makes.
Not about me wanting to date , I love my wife heart and soul, but as the counselors said I shouldn't cling to any hope , they've seen my situation before and the wife never comes back.
DB although helping me , also gave me hope ,they advised faster for me to recover from this if I realize it's over she's not ever coming back
Imagine I said there was a 50% chance of her coming back.
Now imagine I said there was a 5% chance.
Now imagine I said there was NO chance.
Which one of these would help you heal fastest? Which one would allow you to grow into the person you want to be? In my opinion, the middle one.
In the top case, I would just sit around waiting and hoping things break right and I get lucky. In the bottom case, I'd skip the hard part of self reflection and self improvement and "heal" by throwing myself into a new relationship.
In the middle case, id work my ass off on myself, hoping that I get that chance and make it in the 5%.
But it's up to you.
The way they described it one can heal w/o jumping into another relationship--according to them clinging to any hope can prolong the self healing process Bc subconsciously you have that hope and each time it's let down it takes one several steps back on healing ...that minuscule 5% chance is nothing but a lie to oneself and can delay or hinder the progress of healing/improving and ultimately moving on .
I hope they'd be wrong but in my case my wife has proven she's already gone and has not turned back or doubted her decision
I don't think I could disagree more, but I'm just a name on a message board - nobody is paying me for my opinion.
I truly am sad for you for the end of your M and I wish you the best going forward.