Husband A for one year - 07/01/15 08:11 PM
HI everyone, I can’t wait to start getting some advice from all of you.
I have a long rough history with my partner.
We are not married but have been together off and on for 13 years.
He has 2 daughters and I have one 8,7,4 His children are with two different mothers.
Throughout the years we have either been together not speaking or on one end of cheating or the other.
He has cheated on me more than once and we have cheated on his other partners everytime.
Our relationship has never started on solid ground.
I suffer from depression and had a terrible home life. (physical emotional neglect and sexual abuse by my neighbor) I know this will have not much to do with fixing my relationship I do know it increases my anxiety and depression.
I am currently seeing a counselor on my own for my depression.
I have completed reading DR and DB but still having trouble putting it into action.
He started having an A with a friend of his best friend.
I found it while going through his phone after he had picked a huge fight with me in June 2014.
We had been fighting for about 3-4 months prior and both of us had threatened to leave. We agreed to make a decision in march of 2015 if he was going to end his relationship with her and work on our family or not.
During this time we continued to fight and I continued to beg persue guilt trip fight cry and tell him how much it would hurt the kids. I am the 4th woman including her mom that his 7 year old has lived with.
His kids refer to me as their step mom and the kids refer to eachother as sisters.
I have spent almost a year doing all of this chasing, begging and fighting. We still live under the same roof.
In March when he decided he did not want to leave her and did not want to work on this relationship I packed my stuff and prepared to move, was signing a lease within a few days. He kept reassuring me I did not have to leave he did not want to split the kids up during the school year please just wait until they are done with school.
I finally agreed to this as it was probably what was best for the kids.. I had money saved to move and we just kept spending and spending.
Now I have no money to leave.
I struggle with the mixed actions vs the words. When we are getting along he will give me one armed hugs, sit with me on the couch (I lean on him) and watch tv, he will ask me to go on the motorcycle, we went on two dates, we share the same bed, we had been having “forced” sex I was pushing him, I can put my arm around him in bed but he will not reciprocate, we still take care of the kids jointly I pick his daughter up and drop her off for visitation, I watch kids if he is going out.
I even watch the kids/take them when he races cars on Saturday nights even though the OW is over there with him. We pay bills together, share money, have even talked about adding on to the house.
We drive to kids activities together and sit together, we cook and clean together, he still has a sticker on his racecar it’s a heart with mine and the girls names in it, when I have asked what will happen if OW demands I move out or she is leaving he will say that is her loss I don’t plan on kicking you out.
He has stated ILYBINILWY.
We have dinner together as a family we registered the kids for school under same household, he has yet to tell the mothers of his children about the situation, on social media he has left it that we are in a relationship, the OW is also going through a divorce which stated after the affair happened but she has had many affairs on her husband also.
Our kids have not been told this is all going on they will still ask when we are getting married and if we love eachother and we always respond with yes. He will ask if he can go do things like fishing. He has stated our friendship means everything to him.
I did try a few of the DB half way.
I changed my ways for about a month, I was positive up beat, always sending messages thanking him for all he does for us, just telling him he is the sexiest man I know, how proud the girls and I are of him for all he does for us and saying I love you.
He has never asked me to not say these things. in fact he would send smiley faces when I would send these messages almost like he was responding to them.
At first I saw no reaction then things started to change, he came home one Sunday asked if I wanted to go run errands with him I then asked if we could get dinner it would just be us.
He agreed!
The next week I asked to go on a date we went to dinner and casino.
There was also a time he screamed at me because I did not tell him the ramps were not even for the car he did not ask me to help load the car. I simply told him I do not deserve to be treated this way and left. I then sent a message stating I was sorry he felt I needed to be treated like that.
He later responded with im sorry and after I got home told his best friend he yelled at me and was wrong and how sorry he was and that he should have asked not assumed.
He has asked me to come lay in bed with him and had been coming to bed early and just turning on tv and let me throw my arm over him. One time he did actual cuddle back.
When we fight I will remind him he does make time to spend with me and he will say he doesn’t one example is this: he said he was going to take a nap if I wanted to come I could but his exact words were “I am going to take a nap would you like to come?
There was a little arguing as it was his bday and I wanted to spend it with him but he wanted to go out with OW. We ended the night on a good note.
That night he came to bed naked something he has not done in over a year. The next week went smoothly he stayed home more often and instead of going out with her on Friday night for two weeks he went fishing with his best friend.
The third weekend he went out. Last week we got into an argument because someone told him the mother of his oldest and I were talking bad about the OW. Her son was playing ball on the field right next to ours. He refused to stand by us and it blew up into an argument.
He said he was no longer having sex with me, no longer hugging me, and he could care less about our friendship all he wanted was for my daughter and I to leave. This treatment lasted four days and I finally got him to give me a hug but no SL.
He went back to being gone more and being distant. Things were calm though.
Then yesterday we had a huge blow up I was anxious about a work situation I was dealing with and let my emotions control me I blew up on him and told his how crappy he was that he does nothing to help me and all the angry mean hurtful things.
It turned into a huge argument where he told me he could not stand to be near me I just made it worse every day, he doesn’t care about our friendship, we will never be together again, he doesn’t want me in his life, he doesn’t care about me, he doesn’t want to be with me he loves her and just wants to get on with his life and make the necessary changes. He even suggested he would go take out a loan for me to leave and pay for it because all he wanted was me out of his life.
He is pretty open with me about the OW and has stated her husband knows about it also. Her kids are involved in the affair and know what is going on our children do not. I have been trying to protect them from the situation. He has even gone and sat at the Other end of the stands at the races with her and her kids and I went and sat with his kids on the other. He will repeatedly tell me I can not tell him what to do with his kids but after I say no he rarely pushes it and usually lets me take them. They have only been around her one time.
One of her kids will come over at games and sit with him which is really awkward. He does still hide some things from me though. He will not tell me where they are going when they go out, he will say they only have SL seldom, he will make sure I can not read his text messages over his shoulder, he will lock his phone, its almost like he wants me to know about it but not the details.
Almost like ha im seeing her but not completely separating from you. In the beginning he told me he would never date her and take on her and her 4 kids, she is a SAHM and never worked.
He is only working a seasonal job as he just finished college and I had let him SAHD for a year or two and only work during summers. He has said she gets around all the normal stuff.
Now he states he cares more about her than our friendship, he loves her and they will “be together” someday and their relationship will not fall apart.
She is completely opposite of everything he has ever said and of me. He said if I had more than one kid he wouldn’t work things out with me he doesn’t want that many kids, she has 4, im short and not girly girly, she is tall and never goes out without make up, I have worked since I was 16 she has never had a job except babysitting her best friends daughter for 100$ a week which she uses as her fun money.
I am a hermit always at home with the kids she leaves her kids at home with her H and goes out every Friday and Saturday.
The OW still lives with her husband but im not sure of the circumstances there. If they have a SL share a room ect.
The A has been going on almost a year!
This scares me as they usually end when they are found out and usually within 6 months.
This has exceeded both.
Will this end?
Do I just give up?
How do I move past these last two fights and get back on track?
Which technique would you recommend?
I fear things may only be getting worse?
We had such a good month and now it is all ruined.
I do not know what to believe or to understand how he really feels about either of us or what he is thinking.
I am so hurt confused lost, angry, want to give up but want to fight too, unsure if I should try to leave or try to stay, whether I should keep watching his kids so he can go out and helping take care of them.
I want to get through to him this is not ok but I also want to keep life normal for the kids.
I want to scream and cry all at the same time.
PLEASE HELP ME BEFORE I FAIL!
sorry it is so long we have a lot of history
I have a long rough history with my partner.
We are not married but have been together off and on for 13 years.
He has 2 daughters and I have one 8,7,4 His children are with two different mothers.
Throughout the years we have either been together not speaking or on one end of cheating or the other.
He has cheated on me more than once and we have cheated on his other partners everytime.
Our relationship has never started on solid ground.
I suffer from depression and had a terrible home life. (physical emotional neglect and sexual abuse by my neighbor) I know this will have not much to do with fixing my relationship I do know it increases my anxiety and depression.
I am currently seeing a counselor on my own for my depression.
I have completed reading DR and DB but still having trouble putting it into action.
He started having an A with a friend of his best friend.
I found it while going through his phone after he had picked a huge fight with me in June 2014.
We had been fighting for about 3-4 months prior and both of us had threatened to leave. We agreed to make a decision in march of 2015 if he was going to end his relationship with her and work on our family or not.
During this time we continued to fight and I continued to beg persue guilt trip fight cry and tell him how much it would hurt the kids. I am the 4th woman including her mom that his 7 year old has lived with.
His kids refer to me as their step mom and the kids refer to eachother as sisters.
I have spent almost a year doing all of this chasing, begging and fighting. We still live under the same roof.
In March when he decided he did not want to leave her and did not want to work on this relationship I packed my stuff and prepared to move, was signing a lease within a few days. He kept reassuring me I did not have to leave he did not want to split the kids up during the school year please just wait until they are done with school.
I finally agreed to this as it was probably what was best for the kids.. I had money saved to move and we just kept spending and spending.
Now I have no money to leave.
I struggle with the mixed actions vs the words. When we are getting along he will give me one armed hugs, sit with me on the couch (I lean on him) and watch tv, he will ask me to go on the motorcycle, we went on two dates, we share the same bed, we had been having “forced” sex I was pushing him, I can put my arm around him in bed but he will not reciprocate, we still take care of the kids jointly I pick his daughter up and drop her off for visitation, I watch kids if he is going out.
I even watch the kids/take them when he races cars on Saturday nights even though the OW is over there with him. We pay bills together, share money, have even talked about adding on to the house.
We drive to kids activities together and sit together, we cook and clean together, he still has a sticker on his racecar it’s a heart with mine and the girls names in it, when I have asked what will happen if OW demands I move out or she is leaving he will say that is her loss I don’t plan on kicking you out.
He has stated ILYBINILWY.
We have dinner together as a family we registered the kids for school under same household, he has yet to tell the mothers of his children about the situation, on social media he has left it that we are in a relationship, the OW is also going through a divorce which stated after the affair happened but she has had many affairs on her husband also.
Our kids have not been told this is all going on they will still ask when we are getting married and if we love eachother and we always respond with yes. He will ask if he can go do things like fishing. He has stated our friendship means everything to him.
I did try a few of the DB half way.
I changed my ways for about a month, I was positive up beat, always sending messages thanking him for all he does for us, just telling him he is the sexiest man I know, how proud the girls and I are of him for all he does for us and saying I love you.
He has never asked me to not say these things. in fact he would send smiley faces when I would send these messages almost like he was responding to them.
At first I saw no reaction then things started to change, he came home one Sunday asked if I wanted to go run errands with him I then asked if we could get dinner it would just be us.
He agreed!
The next week I asked to go on a date we went to dinner and casino.
There was also a time he screamed at me because I did not tell him the ramps were not even for the car he did not ask me to help load the car. I simply told him I do not deserve to be treated this way and left. I then sent a message stating I was sorry he felt I needed to be treated like that.
He later responded with im sorry and after I got home told his best friend he yelled at me and was wrong and how sorry he was and that he should have asked not assumed.
He has asked me to come lay in bed with him and had been coming to bed early and just turning on tv and let me throw my arm over him. One time he did actual cuddle back.
When we fight I will remind him he does make time to spend with me and he will say he doesn’t one example is this: he said he was going to take a nap if I wanted to come I could but his exact words were “I am going to take a nap would you like to come?
There was a little arguing as it was his bday and I wanted to spend it with him but he wanted to go out with OW. We ended the night on a good note.
That night he came to bed naked something he has not done in over a year. The next week went smoothly he stayed home more often and instead of going out with her on Friday night for two weeks he went fishing with his best friend.
The third weekend he went out. Last week we got into an argument because someone told him the mother of his oldest and I were talking bad about the OW. Her son was playing ball on the field right next to ours. He refused to stand by us and it blew up into an argument.
He said he was no longer having sex with me, no longer hugging me, and he could care less about our friendship all he wanted was for my daughter and I to leave. This treatment lasted four days and I finally got him to give me a hug but no SL.
He went back to being gone more and being distant. Things were calm though.
Then yesterday we had a huge blow up I was anxious about a work situation I was dealing with and let my emotions control me I blew up on him and told his how crappy he was that he does nothing to help me and all the angry mean hurtful things.
It turned into a huge argument where he told me he could not stand to be near me I just made it worse every day, he doesn’t care about our friendship, we will never be together again, he doesn’t want me in his life, he doesn’t care about me, he doesn’t want to be with me he loves her and just wants to get on with his life and make the necessary changes. He even suggested he would go take out a loan for me to leave and pay for it because all he wanted was me out of his life.
He is pretty open with me about the OW and has stated her husband knows about it also. Her kids are involved in the affair and know what is going on our children do not. I have been trying to protect them from the situation. He has even gone and sat at the Other end of the stands at the races with her and her kids and I went and sat with his kids on the other. He will repeatedly tell me I can not tell him what to do with his kids but after I say no he rarely pushes it and usually lets me take them. They have only been around her one time.
One of her kids will come over at games and sit with him which is really awkward. He does still hide some things from me though. He will not tell me where they are going when they go out, he will say they only have SL seldom, he will make sure I can not read his text messages over his shoulder, he will lock his phone, its almost like he wants me to know about it but not the details.
Almost like ha im seeing her but not completely separating from you. In the beginning he told me he would never date her and take on her and her 4 kids, she is a SAHM and never worked.
He is only working a seasonal job as he just finished college and I had let him SAHD for a year or two and only work during summers. He has said she gets around all the normal stuff.
Now he states he cares more about her than our friendship, he loves her and they will “be together” someday and their relationship will not fall apart.
She is completely opposite of everything he has ever said and of me. He said if I had more than one kid he wouldn’t work things out with me he doesn’t want that many kids, she has 4, im short and not girly girly, she is tall and never goes out without make up, I have worked since I was 16 she has never had a job except babysitting her best friends daughter for 100$ a week which she uses as her fun money.
I am a hermit always at home with the kids she leaves her kids at home with her H and goes out every Friday and Saturday.
The OW still lives with her husband but im not sure of the circumstances there. If they have a SL share a room ect.
The A has been going on almost a year!
This scares me as they usually end when they are found out and usually within 6 months.
This has exceeded both.
Will this end?
Do I just give up?
How do I move past these last two fights and get back on track?
Which technique would you recommend?
I fear things may only be getting worse?
We had such a good month and now it is all ruined.
I do not know what to believe or to understand how he really feels about either of us or what he is thinking.
I am so hurt confused lost, angry, want to give up but want to fight too, unsure if I should try to leave or try to stay, whether I should keep watching his kids so he can go out and helping take care of them.
I want to get through to him this is not ok but I also want to keep life normal for the kids.
I want to scream and cry all at the same time.
PLEASE HELP ME BEFORE I FAIL!
sorry it is so long we have a lot of history
need to know if you want me to get groceries or no it will have to come from savings?