http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...504#Post2580504Old thread, new thread.
Summary:
W having possible MLC;
Threatening to take the kids 230 miles away;
Says no chance of an R;
W has been ill, but still toxic.
Nice and quiet at the moment. Stalemate, I suppose. W has told me when she's going away and has made a point of saying she is coming back. W still having problems with her kidneys. Handyman brought in to do a couple of odd jobs which W told me about.
Calm before the storm?
Has she prepared for the move yet?
House has been put to market, but no sign etc. has been erected. Local Council says no to a house, so she really is up a creek without a paddle! W has bought new school uniform for next year and has been to see S's new teacher for the next term after summer, so, it looks like she's staying for a while.
W has received her letter from the Counsellor, but as of yet, hasn't spewed about it to me. It was put in the recycling though! I noticed it asked her to come in and make an appointment and talk things through. Couple of weeks ago, that would have been a major blow up point. Mind you, the night is young yet!
W has taken D to a school disco, so just me and S in the house. bathtime and TV until they return.
So does that mean she's not going?
Hey Huddy, buying the school uniform is a positive :-)
maybe she has realised that it will be hard on her own after her incident at the hospital.
Keep in there, Huddy.
Huddy,
Stay the course and focus on your own 180s. Sometimes life has a way of teaching the WAS some lessons. Consequences is Lady Karma's responsibility, not yours.
Smile quietly and go on your own merry way.
Hi Wonka, I wondered whether you could look at my sitch, and give me some advice.
Sorry, Huddy for asking on your thread.
Steady as she goes my friend. Sounds like your just coasting a long ATM. So W gas to stay there because local Council won't give her a house, what happened to moving far away plan?
Morning all
Sorry I didn't get back to you all last night.
Still no spew from W about counsellor. Really quiet evening last night, so not much to say. Is she going away? For two weeks she is, but she has made a point about saying she'll be coming back. A few weeks ago, I feared she'd just go.
Steady as she goes right now!
Morning mate.
Have you managed to get your copy of the book?
Decided to wait 'til she goes away and then do a 'cram' read. Thought that was the best idea.
I'd re think that if I were you. I have the feeling there are a lot of opportunities for you currently being missed. I have to be honest I wish I knew about all of this months ago. Unfortunately, as you know my sitch is deep in the pit right now. Not sure what direction to go in but I'm going to re read the book again tonight.
OK NDY, Ordered and got it sent to my workplace. Should be here in a day or two!
Are you talking about a copy of DB or DR?
DB. What's the difference?
DR is a more updated version. I was just asking because I don't know what "DB" plan you are following if you haven't even read the books to understand the concepts.
I've been following Sandi2's plan and the advice from Cadet.
That's not good enough. You won't know how to actually DB unless you get the books.
I've been following Sandi2's plan and the advice from Cadet.
I am glad you are getting the book.
My advice says to get the book and read it too,
was wondering how I failed?
Thanks Mr Bond for catching this.
Hi Cadet
I had to really put DB to one side whilst I calmed the situation down with my kids. That appears to be a lot more stable at this time, so I can now concentrate on DB.
W woke me at 0220 to tell me that she hadn't slept due to her kidney problems. Spoke to the out of hours service doctor and made an appointment for early this morning. W requested I stayed off work to get the kids to school, help her etc.
W has been to doctors and now has seven tablets to take, three times a day. Seems a lot more concilatory this time and thanked me for help. W sent me a text message from the pharmacy with an 'x' on it - I didn't reply with one; got caught out before by this.
Seems I'm useful for somethings! Saying what I mean through my actions.
Huddy, my friend. Read the book. I kid you not that you are missing so many opportunities to make this right. I've been saying this for a while now. It's within your grasp. It's right there. Read the book.
Hope for the best for you my friend. We need to meet for a pint.
I had to really put DB to one side whilst I calmed the situation down with my kids.
What I think you'll find when you read the book is that DBing is not what you think it is exactly. It's not just about not talking to your wife. There are a lot more subtleties to it that can and SHOULD be used always.
DB is a change in your life that you will learn to apply to all aspects of your life and not just your M.
Morning all
Just waiting for book to arrive. I have tried to talk to W, but she doesn't want to.
As for me, the kids are my priority right now, M R is for later as I see it.
Morning all
Just waiting for book to arrive. I have tried to talk to W, but she doesn't want to.
This is where the book will help. What did you want her to talk to you about and why? Have you tied this before? Were you doing more of the same? IDK but that's where DB helps. If it isn't working stop doing it. If your goal is to get your W to talk to you then you should think about the last time you guys were talking and happy. What were you doing then that's different to now? That's what you need to think about but obviously I'm no where near an expert and the book is far better at explaining this.
Morning NDY
The biggest problem for me was the number of different problems that were coming up at once and then trying to get that calmed down. So, the biggest problem, as you may remember, was the threat of taking the kids away. At the moment that has subsided, so I can now look at how to try and repair M.
What do we think of this plan. W is going away to MIL for two weeks. My plan was to do NC and see what happens. Not in a nasty way, but to see if the lack of my presence may help her to pull back. Thoughts?
Morning NDY
The biggest problem for me was the number of different problems that were coming up at once and then trying to get that calmed down. So, the biggest problem, as you may remember, was the threat of taking the kids away. At the moment that has subsided, so I can now look at how to try and repair M.
What do we think of this plan. W is going away to MIL for two weeks. My plan was to do NC and see what happens. Not in a nasty way, but to see if the lack of my presence may help her to pull back. Thoughts?
How about this as a spin on the same plan. W is going away for two weeks. You are too busy with GAL to contact her. Thoughts?
No sense rehashing the past. But read the book. Quickly. It's about improving your relationships with PEOPLE. I believe the concepts are applicable regardless of the "other problems" going on.
I agree that the past is pointless. Future? Obviously, I would prefer that was with W but she has to let whatever is in her flow through.
Hey Huddy, I have been thinking a lot about past and future ATM. See my thread for a recent brain squirt. But really - take some time to appreciate the now time in your break.
-Py
Huddy,
You pull back because you feel you "have to", but because the true reason is you're busy GALing. When goes away, fill up your schedule with activities and interesting things.
Hi Py, Wonka
Have stopped by Py, but you seem to be getting good advice, so I feel anything I have to offer would be a bit useless!
Wonka
I have started to cram in some GAL activities for those two weeks. This is easier as my S will be with W, so I am not constrained. So far, I have two nights out, an evening out, two weekend days planned with work in between, so I won't be bored, that's for sure.
House has gone to market today. D has been hugging me ever since and S is having a meltdown. My W's response? To shout at both the kids. Tragic, really tragic.
Huddy,
I am not surprised that W yelled at the kids in response to their fears because it conflicts with her fantasy narrative of having a happy family with OM. Yeah, kids are feeling scared and bewildered by changes instigated by W.
Just continue to be their rock and be the stable parent.
I'm pretty sure Huddy's wife isn't in an A.
Hi Wonka
There is no OM, just a MLC/SIL/MIL fantasy. W wants to replace me with people who the kids see less than twice per year.
Oops, this place is awash with OW/OMs. Sorry.
Yeah, same still applies. Seeing the kids upset just messes with her own narrative of happily-ever....
Hell no! Better not have any one or any thing contradict her version of a life with rainbows, cotton candy, and popsciles.
Ha ha Wonka. In the UK that's rainbows, candy floss and lolipops!
Hello Huddy! Please hang in there.
A friend passed this along to me today. I found it encouraging and wanted to share it with you:
Faith…Trust…Hope…Confidence…Love…Attitude
{1}
Once all villagers decided to pray for rain,
on the day of prayer all the people gathered,
but only one boy came with an umbrella.
That's FAITH
{2}
When you throw a baby in the air,
she laughs because she knows you will catch her.
That's TRUST
{3}
Every night we go to bed,
without any assurance of being alive the next morning
but still we set the alarms to wake up.
That's HOPE
{4}
We plan big things for tomorrow
in spite of zero knowledge of the future.
That's CONFIDENCE
{5}
We see the world suffering,
but still we get married and have children.
That's LOVE
{6}
On an old lady's shirt was written a sentence
'I am not 80 years old....
I am sweet 16 with 64 years experience'
That's ATTITUDE
Have a happy day,
Live your life like the six stories above!
Afternoon all
W has been ill again with her kidney stones, but at least one has passed through. W went out for a bit to do some hairdressing but has been in a laid back mood all day and has chatted every now and again.
Me and kids have been to park, watched some TV and had some food - quiet day, but compared to some in the past few months, quite pleasureable.
Wow. She is being laid back? So what behaviours did you adopt? Get that in your journal. What ever you did today worked. Keep that up.
Well, I just did what I had to do. Got up with kids and let W have a lie in for a couple of hours, did some washing, took S to shops, cooked some dinner, took kids to park etc. Nothing earth shattering; normal stuff. Maybe she realises that I actually do a lot and she's thinking again.
Nah Huddy. There was an attitude thing going on with you today. Either she changed something or you did. Either way the way you acted changed. Note actions are the focus here. What worked? What was it? Was it how you felt? How you spoke to her? Something YOU did made a difference. Figure out what that was and do more of that. Regardless of what the W is doing.
Its worth looking back at your attitude and behavior to see if it somehow influenced W's, seeing if its something that works. Just don't assume it is, sometimes they act a certain way and it has nothing to do with us. Consistent actions over time are what tells us what is and isn't working.
Its worth looking back at your attitude and behavior to see if it somehow influenced W's, seeing if its something that works. Just don't assume it is, sometimes they act a certain way and it has nothing to do with us. Consistent actions over time are what tells us what is and isn't working.
^^ like Fog said.
Morning Fogg/NDY
Week 14
I don't know what has been done differently. I feel I have been behaving like my normal self. If the kids want to get up, then I get up with them and see to their needs. If we need something from the shops, I just go and do it. Kids want to go to the park, let's go. That just seems normal to me.
W went to do some hairdressing yesterday after she'd passed a stone, saying she felt a bit better. Waited for the shopping to be delivered, then off to the park. Came back, fed kids, ran bath, kids in bath before W came home. Also managed to cram in two loads of washing/hung out to dry. I have always done these things. I suppose the only difference is that I haven't told W I'm doing them.
Same again this morning. Last night, we watched a drama together and went to bed about 2240 (kids got to stay up as well). This morning, a lie in until 0930 then up with kids whilst W appears at 1030. I ask if she's OK and she replies in the positive. Just seems normal.
Maybe one of the more experienced members can maybe point out what they feel has changed in all that.
still coasting Huddy. No one really knows, maybe she's just too tired to hark up. Maybe she has realised that you are mot such a bad guy after all. Contact with SIL? Mate, IDK? I really DK. enjoy the peace.maybe it is just new normal for her.
Ok well whatever was going on just remember the mental state you had at that time. Remember how you felt, how you thought and how you acted. Now do more of that regardless of how the W is acting. Capiche?
Consistent actions over time are what tells us what is and isn't working.
Hello Huddy!
Fogg's comment above is so spot on. Keep doing the same things and take things one day at a time. Remember, PMA.
I always wish you well.
Bob
Small handgrenade thrown at me this morning. W calls and leaves me a voice message asking for a copy of a bill so she can give it to the L. W had said she would stop this!
A bit angry and annoyed as the call ended with a really nice 'bye, see you later'. Temp check?
Anytime she needs something from you, she's going to try to be nice. I wouldn't read too much into it.
The legal stuff is what it is. I hate how nerdy this sounds, but it's like the final battle in Star Wars Ep1. It's happening, but it really doesn't matter. It's the small battle between you and W emotionally that is what's reay important to your M. Focus your energy on that one!
Thanks Matt. It feels at times that she is just looking for fight sometimes to see if I'll bite.
Sadly, I remember going to see Star Wars, as a 5 year old, in 1977!
Sadly, I remember going to see Star Wars, as a 5 year old, in 1977!
Well that's before my time. I've seen it, but definitely not in the theater. But I'm talking about the first episode - the one from maybe 1999...? Anyway, it's hardly with googling if you don't know the reference.
The original (which is episode 4) was released in 1977. It was good then, it didn't need all that CGI nonsense!
I do hope you're not talking about my W? Ha ha!
I think so. I haven't seen it in 15 years. But at the end, there's a HUGE battle scene, and when one guy gets defeated in the spaceship, the whole army on the field just falls apart. That's how I envision the legal part of all of this - if we win on the spaceship, the rest of it doesn't matter
Yeah. It's a battle alright. I just hope this battle stops soon.
Weird. W confirms again that she has told L to stop what she's doing, but still wants to submit bill to them as a 'backup'. Backup what, exactly?
Huddy,
Just have a 'whatever' attitude to the "backup" comment. It will be revealed in due course...stuff like that comes out at some point.
When did she say she would stop this? I don't remember reading that part, or see it in this thread.
Regardless, it not that important to what your doing. Don't let it get your worked up because then you might react to her, just keep doing what you have been doing. She could be saying/doing this for many different reasons. Time will tell.
Looks like my book is coming by pony! It still hasn't arrived yet.
Did you order it from Amazon? They usually give you a range of dates to expect it to arrive. Check your email.
Hi Wonka/Fogg
Seems to be a delay in getting posts, so haven't seen your comments until today.
She mentioned she wanted a bill yesterday to give to L. I queried as W had said she wasn't pursuing L anymore. Said she had instructed L to stop proceedings, but wanted to give L the bill as a back up. W has been calmer in the past week since she's been ill. Wait and see.
NDY
Yeah, Amazon gave me a TWO week window. I have checked and it says 'on its way'; they're only posting it from London. I could have nipped down and got it myself quicker.
Unusual one last night. W was wondering if we should look into a new joint credit card. I said 'it's a bit late for that' and W said 'why is it?'. Left it at that but the elephant in the room is that W has said she doesn't want R, or even initiated any kind of conflict release, but she wants to talk about joint finances together. Hmmm......
Your book has to turn up soon. She's talking about a future with you. Send a. At signal out for a vet because this is a very good sign.
Cadet/Sandi2 any thoughts?
Book arrived yesterday. Through to about chapter 4 so far. First section is heavy going, but second section seems more approachable, the solutions and actions part.
Things have been calmer this week. W cooked a meal for teatime - Pasta Bake. First time in weeks that has happened. Using the first elements of the book, I communicated how much I appreciated this action on W's part. OK, I didn't get a huge reaction, but I have started to initiate the changes, building on what has been achieved whilst she has been ill.
Tried a bit of light conversation. Got a few sentences, but they W put up the defences. Had my STFU smoothie and retreated. A start. More positive in my outlook than for a long time.
Thank goodness for that. The book arrived. So now you have a chance. Yea, it is kinda weird but I think in your situation it stands a really good chance of working. Remember, if it works keep doing it. If it doesn't change it. Not that hard to grasp.
Hopefully now that you have the book, the things we were telling you make more sense. It isn't just "ignore your wife and she'll come back". It's a process you can apply to any troubled relationship to make it smoother, regardless of the other things going on in your life.
The problem I have is that I can't gauge reaction as she still isn't into communication. So, I don't want to annoy her by talking to her and her just getting agitated, so I've got to work out how to communicate without words.
It'll come. Patience. From what you've wrote here there have ready been plenty of opportunities. Be Clint and don't try to push.
I can sense something. Then W puts up the barriers again and I get a bit defeatist. Patience x 10.
That will happen. Don't sweat it. It won't work over night. No expectations.
The problem I have is that I can't gauge reaction as she still isn't into communication. So, I don't want to annoy her by talking to her and her just getting agitated, so I've got to work out how to communicate without words.
give yourself some credit mate. you dont need to start from scratch. communicating with words - thats exactly what you have been doing.
Thanks Py
It currently feels like a really bad argument and we just need a way of getting it back together. Should I keep trying conversation or let her initiate?
i'm no expert but to me it looks like she is "coming around". You initiating it could turn her back to where she was a month ago. wait atleastuntil you are SURE she will be receptive. Otherwise your showing your hand too early.
just my 2 cents
Thanks Py. Appreciated. That is what I think as well. Could do with some vet advice.
I can sense something. Then W puts up the barriers again and I get a bit defeatist. Patience x 10.
Huddy, I feel this way too. DR book suggests doing what works and change what doesn't. However, this is sometimes hard to gage. For me, I feel H puts up barriers just to remind me where we are at.
Hi Smoothy
Barriers. When do you hurdle over them and when do you stop at them? Hmmm....more research needed.
GAL activity after work last night. Lots of beer and food and then back home on the bus. I had told W the day before I would be out. W had waited up in the main bedroom as she made rustling noises when I got back.
Today has been very calm again. W has been to work and then when she came home briefly for something to eat, sat beside me. That hasn't happened for months. Noticed that letters she sent to me from the L have 'gone' from where I had put them. Can't find them anywhere, so I guess W has destroyed them. Most odd.
I feel H puts up barriers just to remind me where we are at.
This sounds like d2 &d4 being dragged screaming to something but only really pretending because they really DO want to be going there. The screaming is just stubbornness, refusal to admit that maybe they were wrong. Interestingly if I just give up and say OK if you dont want to then we won't do "it". Thats when a 4 year old will backflip and easily admit that "No I want to". Adults are more obstinate. Even d4 goes back and fourth though. So we resume our path and she's starts screaming again. "but you just told me you want to go there". OK stop. resume. Stop. resume. i'm counting to 5 d4.
unfortunately grown ups are trickier. More screwed up really.
Easy goes Huddy. "I hadn't noticed" attitude. when was last contact with the wicked witch (SIL)? any news there from command central?
Hi Py
There's another thing I've noticed in the last week. There is a lot less traffic between W and SIL and W has been leaving her mobile phone all over the place instead of in her pocket.
Week 15, by the way!
This morning, I got up with kids and let W stay in bed. When W came down, she made light conversation and was talking about the new setee (couch/sofa) and how it would get damaged in the sun etc. 'let's close the curtains so the light doesn't damage it' - that's the same piece of furniture she couldn't care less about just four weeks ago.
No expectations. W has to make the first move, right? Sandi2/Cadet are you around?
H, maybe take a look at Smothy's thread. Wonka pointed her towards Train's threads (linked therein). might be worthwhile for you. I would say definitely let her make the first move, step back, let her move forward. I can't say this has ever been the case for me, but I can imagine that she would get her back up straight away and IF she has made any real progress towards realising who is really on her side and who is just playing "the misery loves company card", she will run straight back to them.
i suspect it is liking coaxing a kitten out from undertake car. If you screw it up the firs time it makes the second time even harder. take it easy. you can always DO, but not so easy to UNDO.
-Py
Hi Py
Yes, that makes sense. W is off to MIL for two weeks with the kids at the end of the week, so I reckon that will be a 'make or break' time for her.
You're being quiet mate. Everything ok?
Hi NDY
Nothing really to add. Still reading the book and putting stuff in place. For example, we have had a viewer at the house today and W texted me at work to tell me. No kisses or anything, so I responded with 'I guess you're making the house look good, do you want me to walk home?'. A non confrontational, appreciative of her efforts text. Got a reply as 'no, I will get you. It's hard doing the place up with the kids. You can take them out'.
OK, not exactly the loving words I want to hear, but better than no communication or the bile/spewfest of recent weeks. It's only a week since she said she was dropping the L, so I can't expect miracles overnight, right?
Sounds like progress to me mate. Baby steps and all that. Keep the PMA up at all times. From what I've learned here this confuses the WAS. Sounds like you're doing good.
hey H,
My 2 cents - GAL big time. while she is "on the fence" seeing you GALing might just prompt her to take another step forward, towards you. You're doing well mate. Keep it up.
-Py
Hi Guys
Thanks for the encouraging words. Nearly at the end of the book now and it's all starting to make sense. I now see how NC can be used in a different way to just 'not talking' - revelation.
Doing a small GAL event tonight. Onwards.
Hi mate.
Your lack of posting is encouraging in a strange way. You are either busy GALing or things are smoothing out with you and the WAS. Either way I hope it's all going in your direction.
Let us know how things are progressing.
Your lack of posting is encouraging in a strange way. You are either busy GALing or things are smoothing out with you and the WAS. Either way I hope it's all going in your direction.
Hello Huddy!
I see NDY's point and it's a good one. Anyway, I just wanted to stop by and see how you are. It's been awhile. You are in my thoughts and prayers daily. I have not forgotten about you. I've been busy with work, my sitch and GAL activities.
Please keep a PMA, don’t give up and keep moving forward. We all care about you very much.
Chin up, mate!
Your friend,
Bob
Morning all
Thanks for stopping by. It's been a bit hectic at work etc. so not much time to post and to be honest, not much to talk about.
I have now finished the book and I can see small improvements in W. She no longer mentions D, has been saying 'us' and although still distant, calm. In reading the book I have to take it that things aren't going to be magic overnight. I am hopeful that when she goes away next week she sees this as being a way to sort it out in her head and return ready to do more work.
I have reckoned on not seeing much warmth for a while yet. Onwards.
Morning all.
Bit of a 'umm' moment last night. Annoyed with myself really. Story goes like this. D was ill last night. When W picked me up from station she told me D was in bed, with SD watching, as she had a headache. D woke about 6 and then I took her for her bath. All the while D was complaining of a headache.
About 8, D said she wanted to see W (who was now in bath) and ran off upstairs. I knew she was going to vomit, so ran after her. Luckily she made it into the bathroom, but just as I was getting there, W told me not to come in, because she was naked.
That's when I got annoyed with myself. I just kept thinking 'you're my W, what's the problem with seeing you with no clothes on. I've seen it all before'. I then realised that the past week and a bit of progress could be eroded if I went off on one. That's what's so annoying. I can't see the problem with me seeing my W with no clothes on, but it appears to be a problem for her. I just kept thinking that this was a false dawn and we were heading for D.
I know this is daft and re-read a bit of DB to get me back in the grove, but then it lead to a nightmare (first in about three weeks) and totally disrupted sleep. So annoyed with myself in letting my mindset go that way.
I have to keep positive, despite W and kids going away for two weeks on Sunday. I am taking the kids out soon for a ride on a train, so that should be fun.
Huddy,
dont sweat it mate. the fact that you have so much control in the middle of the drama tellls me at least that you are a bigger man than you are giving yourself credit for. Enjoy the train ride my friend. thinking of you.
-py
Mate
Don't worry about it. I haven't seen my wife in a state of undress for a long time. Your W is just not in that place. Remember it's a marathon. You have quite a bit to go before she will let you see her in a state of undress.
Go enjoy the train.
dude - i saw my W Thursday night after mid-week visit - and she is looking hot!! better than she has looked for ~10 years. Not naked though. salt in the wound though really. She is taking such good care of herself these days.
Hi py
Normal behavior while the limerance has it's grip.
Huddy,
Many WASes feel separated from you and thus any personal-related stuff such as being naked is off limits. Yeah, it is crazy. But it is the way it is while the WAS feels "loyal" to their OW/OM. Craaazy.
Eyes forward....keep going.
Thanks for everybody chipping in. I'm annoyed with myself more than anything. It's just weird. Sixteen and a half years, I've explored every nook and cranny, I just can't fathom it.
Anyway, kids enjoyed ride out and W has done all the ironing while I was away. Light conversation on my return, nothing special. Note though that SIL has re-appeared to the texting pool. Hmmm.....more poison me thinks!
Detach detach detach. It's fine. So the evil witch from command central is back in the mix. Fine, extra pma from you and 180 all over the place. You can do this mate. I don't see you having as bad a situation as most. She's still there, still communicating (ok, spewing a lot but you get my drift) and still carrying out acts of service and no A.
If I were an expert, and I'm not id say she is still very conflicted about leaving.
BD the @ss outa this.
Thanks Bud. When W works things through her mind, she mumbles under her breath. Noticed she is doing that ten to the dozen when I got out of the bath, staring out of the window.
Compared to some people on here, I can see that I'm still in with a chance. I hope people don't think I'm being unduly negative - it still hurts, whatever is going on!
We all know that mate. Ultimately the WAS is looking for a change. They are unhappy. At what? Dunno but all we can do is be introspective. Don't look at them look at us. That's what I recon this gig is all about. Saving yourself.
Sure, the fear is there and it's very destructive what they are doing. It's easy to look at them and get stressed over why they are doing this but at the end of the day they will either come round of not. Something(s) made them do this. We've all had the 4x2 about our part in this. I know I did from Mr Bond and I'm grateful that he did that.
Because at the end of the day if destroying a family with all the emotional and financial turmoil is the better option after all this time we must accept that they were really unhappy.
Like you, I had no clue until the A started. Sure, I can talk all night about the reasons I think why my WW did what she did but right now there is no point. The point is to become a man only a fool would leave.
Peace
Morning all
An L letter arrived this morning, nearly two weeks after W had said she had told the L to stop. Do I make a fuss about this or just shrug my shoulders?
Angry and disapointed at the moment.
Huddy, I'm sorry to hear that. Is it possible there has been a misunderstanding with your W and her L? Or that she intended to tell the L to pause but didn't? It is possible this is a 'believe nothing they say' - or have said in your W's case.
I'm not a vet, and you may want to wait for one to drop by. But I would say to leave things until you are able to calmly deal with them. If you can shrug, I would do that. I would also take your anger and disappointment elsewhere and not be around your W just now if that's possible.
Sorry you're having a rough day and take care. x
Please start a new thread. This one is going to lock fairly soon.