Ok I have been posting here for a couple of weeks. We are on vacation and I wake up this morning to a text from H saying he will be home in 2 weeks and he will be happy. I don't know what to do or say. I haven't understood any of this and now I'm very confused. I need some experienced advice- PLEASE !!
First, I'm so happy for you for this starting point!
Go. Slowly.
I wouldn't really change ANYTHING you are doing.
I'll let one of the experts chime in on how to respond to the text. But I'm thinking anything more than "ok" is likely unnecessary at this point.
Thank you Matt....honestly I'm just so shocked.
Matt just went with ok. His behavior is so strange. I feel very nervous about him coming home. I know it's not going to be easy. I'm just going to stick with what I'm doing.
Hello Teach!
I think you should just stick to what you are doing now.
Anybody else have a different point of view?
Regards,
Bob
So H called tonight, first time in weeks that he called me. He said he was hurt that I hadn't been texting or calling him...which is so crazy because he actually said at one point to never contact him again. NC and giving him time and space must have helped.
He actually said tonight that he was shocked that he hurt his kids feelings and mine. He said it wasn't his intention to do that. I didnt say anything, I just listened but in my head I was screaming WTH!
He is so consumed with his own feelings that he doesn't even see our sides. This is going to be a process. I'm so thankful that I found this place.
Hi Teach,
Thanks for the update. Try to have no expectations but it does seem like NC has him confused.
Keep up the good work.
Bob
Teach -
Time to brush up on the validation cheat sheet. Instead of staying quiet, start to validate so he knows that you're hearing him and can feel that you're "on his side".
Keep going. Step by step.
Teach,
Matt does have a good point. In your case, that may be the way to go now. I see what Matt means. Hmmm....
Any others want to chime in?
I wish you well.
Bob
Teach,
Matt does have a good point. In your case, that may be the way to go now. I see what Matt means. Hmmm....
Any others want to chime in?
I wish you well.
Bob
To be clear, don't start pursuing. But it seems like he may start contacting you more often. When he does, THEN you pull out the cheat sheet.
Ya'll are spot on! Validation is basically all I did in our conversation. I'm not going to pursue. He is very worried about repairing the relationship with our son. I just told him that's between them.
I will not work that out for him. He did this to us and my son is old enough to tell him exactly how he feels. He said he will be home on the 24th, so all contact between now and then will be initiated by him.
What I love is my son said "Mom we are not giving up any of our plans and goals just because he is home." He likes the changes I have made.
Heading home this morning. Staying low profile for now and not pursuing. If he is coming home like he said its up to him to reach out. I'm feeling so many emotions, anger mostly-which I know is masking all my pain.
My family is very worried a out him coming back. I told them I appreciate the concern but I'm trying to save my marriage. I have accepted it might not work out but I intend to do everything I can to save it.
It reminds me of when I went through cancer treatments. My doc laid out the options but said now is the time to throw everything at it ...it may come back but I don't want you beating yourself up if it does for not trying
everything.
Just TRY-that's all I can do.
I got a text from H stating he is worried how it will go when he gets home. He seems like he is getting cold feet about staying 2weeks with us. I told him it would be fine and that I know his feelings must feel confusing.
I don't know maybe that was to much to say because he never responded back.
I feel like would have more success coaxing Big Foot out of the woods than my mlc H home.
Well tonight had a full blown melt down on the phone with H. He is still coming but is back pedaling on the "And I will be happy" which I knew was stupid but my broken heart wanted to believe. I wanted to much to fast. I'm feeling so exhausted.
H wants to stress that he loves me but not like he should. Classic.
H says he is coming home to try and repair relationship with relationship with our son. Son says he will only see H if I'm around. HMMM interesting circle.
I don'
It's ok. BREATHE.
Just because H is coming home, you can't backdlide on the changes you are making for you. So go slow, there's no rush. Conyknue to work on you and slowly redevelop the R.
Oh thank you Matt! I'm freaking out. He has been playing me like a fine fiddle the last couple of days. I just wanted to believe this could all be over but it's not.
He did get rude about me having plans. I think it hit a nerve. Back to NC for next 5 days...we will see if he actually shows up.
You can't just jump back in to where you were. Why would he come back to the same M you had before?
Just like you've been changing over the last month, your R needs time to change too. So take it slow, don't try to rush anything.
Imagine he's s squirrel trying to eat out of your hand. No sudden movements...
LOL that's the first laugh I have had all day. You don't know how much your experience helps me.
Your so right about him not wanting the same marriage. I just have to slow way down and get back to me.
LOL that's the first laugh I have had all day. You don't know how much your experience helps me.
Your so right about him not wanting the same marriage. I just have to slow way down and get back to me.
Just for full disclosure, I've only been here since 4/20 and my W has made no indication of anything but full on divorce still. So I'm not sure I have ANY experience in this.
But you DID get him to turn around. So why stop doing what you were doing?? If it works, keep going! You saw what happened when you tried to put pressure on it. So in my opinion, the path forward is clear. Don't work harder; work smarter --- do the things that get results.
You haven't been here that long but you have an old souls way about ya! You just get it and I admire how your putting your girls first and trying your best.
I can't stand quitters! LOL
Hi Teach,
I'm so sorry to hear you are having such a rough time. Matt has become one of my best buddies on this forum. Isn't he great?
There's an old saying: "Never run away from or toward anything too quickly." I think this applies in your case.
You are correct when you wrote "I just have to slow way down and get back to me." You may want to write this down and read it daily. Really - kind of like a self-affirmation.
You are in my thoughts and prayers. Go s-l-o-w.
*Hugs*
Bob
I couldn't sleep last night. I feel like it's the day after the bomb. I almost hate myself for being in love with him.
I can't believe what he says anymore, he isn't the guy I know and love. He is a stranger that is out for himself. My daughter told me he was out at the bar with a couple of 23 year old guys. I'm at home emotionally wrecked and he is making a fool out of himself and could care less.
I'm going to give myself today to feel this pain and then I have to pick myself back up. Detaching is so hard, I was doing good before he squeezed my heart to see if I'm still there for him.
Hi Teach, I didn't see you started a new thread. Just found it today. I was wondering why you were so quiet.
Here's my response to you from my thread this morning. I am so sorry you are having a rough time!
I'm so sorry, Teach. I've been checking your thread daily as I was wondering what was happening for you. We really can't have expectations of our WAS as they are so screwed up right now.
Have you read Cadet's link to you on setting boundaries? It seems like you need to set some with your H. You are not deserving of this kind of behavior.
On the flip side, the best way to not let him get to you is for you to GAL. It is hard to do, I know, but you need to focus on you and your S. It will help with the hurt and confusion, help you to be more confident and knowledgeable about yourself, and the totally confuse your H. He's expecting you to react to his lukewarm offer to move back in and you need to stay cool and detached. Don't react to him as it's what's he's looking for.
I'll check back in with you later and am sending you lots of prayers.
hugs
E
Well tonight had a full blown melt down on the phone with H.
This caught my attention and I would like to plant a seed in your brain on another level of detachment. "Detachment" is a word that is thrown around a lot here as a magic answer to all of our problems, so I feel it prudent to expound a little bit on the subject as well as provide a personal insight I discovered that proved to be an invaluable tool to me.
Detachment IS an extremely integral part to the DB'ing process, but reading through various threads from time to time now, and reading through countless threads on here when I was more active (a few years ago) led me to the conclusion that many like to preach about detaching, but have no idea what they are talking about or even how to do it.
Let's operate under the assumption that you understand the basic premise of "detaching" (correct me if I am wrong). Intellectually understanding what it is (i.e. reading the blog-post from the LiveStrong website)
and actually knowing what actions to take to achieve a level of detachment and then work to continually improve are two entirely separate concepts.
After reading up on various articles on detachment, you may find yourself asking "how do I do it?" To which most of the people on here (ignorant, but well-meaning), will provide you with a canned answer such as "GAL" and "it just takes time."
That is a load of crap.
Those are incomplete answers and an example of the blind leading the blind. Well intentioned, but still crap.
So back to my main point as I do not want to make this post so long as it deters people from the point I do want to make. Again, operating under the assumption that you know what "detaching" is, the next level of detachment is
detaching from yourself.
(Yes, you read that correctly.)
The best way I have found to avoid emotional outbursts, to avoid being drawn into emotional conversations, to avoid someone else's actions hurting my feelings or bringing me down is to go through the exercise of, quite literally, detaching from yourself.
I've already gone on too long and if you are interested I may come back and expound on the practical application of such a strategy, but I at least want you to take away this:
Detaching is an intentional mental exercise that takes practice and self-discipline. With practice, though, it gets easier and easier. Time will not make it easier or make you better at it any more than time will make you a better basketball player. You actually have to pick up a ball, dribble it, and practice shooting if you want to improve.
Lastly, remain emotionless when in contact with your husband. If you have an outburst, mentally log it (or journal what happened), learn from that mistake, and move forward.
Don't dwell on it or beat yourself up, just learn and move forward. This is very important - do you understand?
He is still coming but is back pedaling on the "And I will be happy" which I knew was stupid but my broken heart wanted to believe. I wanted to much to fast. I'm feeling so exhausted.
H wants to stress that he loves me but not like he should. Classic.
H says he is coming home to try and repair relationship with relationship with our son. Son says he will only see H if I'm around. HMMM interesting circle.
He doesn't know what he is doing. He is trying on several outfits to see what he likes best, which is why Cadet's first post always says to
"Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does." Read and reread Cadet's intro post until it is ingrained in your brain. Read and reread Sandi's 37 rules until you know them by heart and live them out by habit. You can do this, but you need to focus on YOU right now. The plane is going down, the cabin has lost air pressure, and you need to put your own mask on first before you can worry and panic about anyone else.
-PM
Thank you patientman. I am interested in learning more.
I feel like last night all the faith I had in repairing this was stripped away .
I will always love him so that's my burden to carry.
Everyone tells me to wake up he is using you until he gets his feet under him and then he will divorce you.
I read about good people on here trying their best for themselves but still desperately in love with their spouse.
Not many successful stories of people improving their own lives and then reconciling.
My H is still coming home on the 24th but only for 10 days...if he can stomach me. He is going through a crisis and I feel for him but he doesn't feel for anyone else, not even his children.
He is free from me. I haven't asked him to come back since the first week. I don't question him on money, woman, or where he goes.
I will my life back together an move forward but I don't know if I can live in his stupid "I love you but not like I should...but I will not divorce you." limbo land.
Today just isn't good. I'm paying good money for coaching and I feel like a fool grasping for straws.
Hello Teach!
Wow, PatientMan's post is so good! I read it 2 times (thanks PatientMan).
I especially loved this:
"He doesn't know what he is doing. He is trying on several outfits to see what he likes best, which is why Cadet's first post always says to "Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does."
Read and reread Cadet's intro post until it is ingrained in your brain.
Read and reread Sandi's 37 rules until you know them by heart and live them out by habit.
You can do this, but you need to focus on YOU right now. The plane is going down, the cabin has lost air pressure, and you need to put your own mask on first before you can worry and panic about anyone else."
Like I keep saying, Teach, please keep a PMA. Also, do your best to suck up all the great advice you get here.
I know you can do this, but it will take time.
Bob
Teach -
I've read that on their own, WAS may come back say 10% of the time. By doing the DB process, if may increase to around 35%. That means that maybe 2 out of 3 marriages will STILL fail even by going through this work.
That's why the focus just CANT be on reconciling. Because you can't control that. All you can control is YOU. And you know what? If you give in to this process, you will emerge out the other side happy, healthy, and a [censored] awesome version of yourself ready to have your next, better relationship.
So if your only goal is R, you may find yourself stuck or discouraged. To that, I say start over with a beginners mind and really consider your ULTIMATE GOAL.
Teach,
Matt is right on!
Bob
Thank you patientman. I am interested in learning more.
Noted. I will put some things together for you - please be patient with me.
I feel like last night all the faith I had in repairing this was stripped away.
This is very typical, thinking you are walking a tightrope and any deviation from perfection sends you careening to the death of a relationship.
It is your mind playing tricks on you. The overall body of work is what matters. Consistent change over time is what convinces the WAS to reconsider. Consistent change over time is what changes you into the best version of you that you can be - a woman only a fool would leave.
I'll say it again because it is important: If you make a mistake, learn from that mistake, and move forward. Don't dwell on it or beat yourself up, just learn and move forward. This is very important - do you understand?
Everyone tells me to wake up he is using you until he gets his feet under him and then he will divorce you.
Maybe, but you must do what you feel is right. Stand firm in your convictions, just be sure it is your convictions you are standing in.
I read about good people on here trying their best for themselves but still desperately in love with their spouse.
Not many successful stories of people improving their own lives and then reconciling.
So what? The odds are against you and it might be difficult. Is that going to make you quit?
-PM
Teach, there is someone on here...and someone chime in....that has a lot of the success stories linked so you can see the positives.
However, I would totally agree with PM and Matt that the ultimate goal is to make you the very best Teach that you can be. If the R isn't recovered, then you will be strong enough to move on and have a healthy happy life. If a R is reconciled, then great, but you are still strong enough to move on and have a healthy, happy life.
You can do this, and your faith will support you. Just reach out and you will feel it. It was you who reminded me of that.
Tomorrow will be a better day.
E
Teach, there is someone on here...and someone chime in....that has a lot of the success stories linked
I think it's Mozza.
Teach there's a whole "Lessons from Successful DB'ers" or something like that section on the main page of the forum. It helps to read just to get some perspective.
You've got people on there with loooooong situations. It's also good to ease your fears.
I was convinced that while I was out of the country my W was having the time of her life, maybe dating, but loving life without me. I just found out from a close friend of hers that she was miserable the entire time and isn't seeing anyone but family. All of my fears for nothing.
Keep working on yourself, it will pay off either way.
Big hug,
PP
Thank you for checking in on my thread. I will appreciate anything you post.
Your words literally brought me to tears. My S17 knows I'm using this site and a coach. He checked my thread and came and told me to log in and read your post. He said "I know these people are strangers but they are giving you great advice. Tomorrow is going to be better mom, all we can do is try."
I know my convictions and I know I can learn from my mistakes. I'm not a quitter and my mind is making things worse for me.
3 goals for tomorrow:
1. Take a shower..LOL
2. Repaint my windmill
3. Cookout for my son and his friends
My H coming home for awhile will be difficult. I want some strength back before he gets here. It's going to be strange. I'm so thankful I have this place to support me.
I will post some "quick advice":
1) Learn to let go of control. This is obvious and easy to say, but much harder to do. However, it is critical to your recovery.
2) Learn to forgive. Most importantly, learn to forgive yourself.
3) Always do the right thing, no matter how difficult it is.
4) Act honorably.
5) Go out of your way to do something nice for someone else today.
6) Make today great! Don't wait for it to happen.
Hope you accomplished your goals for today, teach. Especially #1 - if that was on your list, maybe it had been a while?
Hope you had a great day.
LOL it had only be a day! But pitiful poor me depression smells rank!
H called and was strange and calm on the phone. Said he will give his all to fixing our relationship. I've learned this week not to believe his words, so I'm just going to wait on some positive actions.
It will be liking getting a squirrel to eat out of my hand ;-)
I'm just going to go slow, but I'm going to post every bit of this because people in mid life crisis are....hmmm what Texasism could I uses to describe them ...Throwed Off!
The public needs to be alerted to these strange creatures.
LOL! They are indeed strange creatures. My H turns off his light when I walk by his room at night and the turns it on again after. They're just weird, lost people.
Good for you for having no expectations with your conversation with your H. That's a huge step forward for you!
E
Thank you for stopping by my thread Teach, I appreciate your kindness.
Looks like you got some amazing advice from PM, how is your Sunday going?
Big hug to you.
PP
I've learned this week not to believe his words, so I'm just going to wait on some positive actions.
Exactly, just keep the expectations down to zero and let his actions speak for him, not his words. Time will show you which to believe
Up late, guess my mind is racing. H tried his best to fight with me today. I believe he wants a reason not to show up Wed. I'm not going to give it to him.
He went from telling me he wanted to go on a "Date" with me to yelling at me.
My son said it's like he is out of his mind. I know he is
at least feeling depressed because he half way admitted it.Then said he would work it out on his own.
I think he needs to see a doctor but I'm not going to bring it up. He acts like I'm his enemy.
I want him home because I haven't seen him in almost two months. He stayed an extra month after announcing he was "DONE", but I refuse to be walking on egg shells around my own home.
I'm just praying for strength and reading tons of info on mid life crisis.
As far as the "Date", should I plan one?
No. If he wants a date, let him set it up. He needs to do all the R initiation.
H called this morning. Actually asked how my day was going, first time in 35 days. He was kind and told me he wanted to see me not just our son and was looking forward to spending time together. He asked if I had made plans for the 4th, which of course I have for me and my son. We plan on spending it with my sister and her family. H said he would love to go, he said he loves my family.???
I felt like saying "Yeah, I know you love them...how about you figure out if you love me!". But I didn't! I stayed very quite and made no sudden movements-LOL!
Sounds like things are going well for you Teach!
No sudden movements is the way to travel this path.
I'm glad that your H is showing interest. 35 days is a haul even if it's less than people here have gone.
I told my sister yesterday that my W and I have been separated for 5 months and there was complete silence on the end of the phone followed by:
"jeeeeeeeesus that's a long time."
Slow and steady wins this race.
Great move, Teach! Did you tell him that he was welcome to come? That would be an easy way to connect and by DB rules, just have no expectations that he will come that day. He might commit to it now and then back out. Either way, just keep your cool. It really is like training a wild animal sometimes!
*hugs*
E
PS. PP, Did you tell your sister that 5 months is a blink on this board?
Up late, guess my mind is racing. H tried his best to fight with me today.
. He does not possess the ability to affect you emotionally anymore, is that clear?
He left. Let him deal with that. If he wants to be ugly about it, let him. That doesn't affect you because you are an emotional rock who is unaffected by his selfish and childlike behavior. You have your own set of standards of behavior and you will not yield that control of yourself over to another.
His words and actions DO NOT affect you...got it? You are cool as a cucumber. He does not possess the ability to push your buttons
anymore.
Is this clear?
Let me put this bluntly. You are worried about reconciling a relationship that is already dead. Stop doing that. Work on becoming a woman only a fool would leave, so make him the fool for leaving you.
-PM
Thank you PatientMan! I do hear you. You and Matt both have told me to give up the dead relationship. That has hit home with me.
I feel surrounded by good advice and support. My S17 told me today that we aren't auditioning for him. He wants back in he can earn it or he can leave. He said stay skeptical mom because he doesn't believe anything he says.
This cool cucumber is working on planting a garden, going to spa in the morning, going shopping Wed, taking the boat out on Thursday-with or without H-heck I have a gang of 17 year old boys over here all they time...we can manage without him.
I did Eirinn. I told him he is welcomed, it's his home too.
So today H calls, tells me his flight info and then tells me he put his ring back on. I didn't know what to say. I feel like I'm dealing with Incredible Hulk. Ring on mild mannered husband...ring off MONSTER!
I went to lunch with one of my oldest friends today. We have all been friends for 24 years. She told me they are very worried about me and my H.
I told me H they were concerned for him and he said they need to mind their own business. He is the one who called them and told them we were splitting up. I wasn't going to say anything to them at that point.
It's just so odd how he acts. He will be here around one tomorrow. He actually said he envisioned us all in a group hug-WTH???
That mans cheese has slid completely off his cracker!
Thinking of you today.
Remember - no expectations. No sudden movements.
Its clear you will have to be the rock in this situation. Don't let him push/pull you. He is trying to test the boundaries based off what he feels moment to moment. He's lost.
What is your plan for dealing with him and his instantaneous changes?
So, what are your plans for break time for you while he's around?
Remember, ACT AS IF
So today H calls, tells me his flight info and then tells me he put his ring back on. I didn't know what to say. I feel like I'm dealing with Incredible Hulk. Ring on mild mannered husband...ring off MONSTER!
I went to lunch with one of my oldest friends today. We have all been friends for 24 years. She told me they are very worried about me and my H.
I told me H they were concerned for him and he said they need to mind their own business. He is the one who called them and told them we were splitting up. I wasn't going to say anything to them at that point.
It's just so odd how he acts. He will be here around one tomorrow. He actually said he envisioned us all in a group hug-WTH???
That mans cheese has slid completely off his cracker!
That is him on his roller-coaster. Do not strap yourself in and go for that ride!
Read and reread Cadet's intro post until it is ingrained in your brain. Read and reread Sandi's 37 rules until you know them by heart and live them out by habit. You can do this! Stay calm and endure well!
-PM
Thank you all for thinking of me. H came in the house, I was busy working in the kitchen and S was in his room. No big production for him and no group hug...LOL!
He talked a little about the stress he is under at work and how he just couldn't deal with me not understanding the pressure he was under so he needed a break. I just listened and tried my best to validate his feelings.
He then wanted to grill out for us and when he got done with that he started mowing.???
I didn't push for any conversation about this sitch, I just smiled and remained calm. He seems nervous, kinda like a cat in a new house ;-)
Wow, sounds like you kept your cool and did well. How did he react to the validating? What are doing for you tonight?
High Five to you, and I'll keep you in my prayers.
E
Good work dealing with your H coming home all off balance Teach. That's the best thing you can do for yourself and your M.
Steady she goes...
Agreed, you did great. Continue doing what your doing and keep the expectations down to zero. Let his actions speak for him and be patient.
Today we went to lake and had so much fun. H asked to go and he was actually fun to be around.
We have had a couple of brief talks about what happened. I don't push for it, I'm just letting him take the lead. Validation is working wonders to diffuse the tension. He is showing me positive actions and he did tell me he knows it will take time for me to trust him.
Yesterday, when I needed a break, I went out into my garden and worked. This evening, when we got back, I went shopping for a new garden fountain with my sister. I'm staying focused on me and my son. I'm going to an airsoft war this weekend with S and friends. LOL, it should be fun! H asked if he could still get a ticket. My S said he is welcome to come and stay at the campsite, but we(S and I) are doing this alone.
One goal I have set is for us go to Colorado for a couples session. I'm not going to push for that anytime soon, but if things keep going well eventually I will ask.
That's a great report teach!
Sounds like there's joy in your life in both the interactions with your H and those without him. That's a winning combo in my book.
Good for you for taking some time for yourself to garden and work too. My mom used to say that gardening was her therapy, sounds like it may be for you as well. What are you growing?
Take it to em in the airsoft war! No mercy.
I'm so glad you had a fun day, and took some time for yourself! I also like that your S felt confident enough to set boundaries for Dad as well. How did you H feel about that?
Keep up the good work!!
E
Hey Teach. How are you doing?
Finally have time to update!
Sunday we went to the air soft war and had so much fun. I did way better than I thought I would and my son was so proud of me. My S didn't want my H to play but he was there and cooked out for the entire team, which was very nice.
Monday I spent the day with my sister doing girl stuff and my S and H went spent the day together. My H apologized again to our S and to explain how much stress he had been under when he told us he was "done" and never coming back. Our S told him he was sorry he was stressed out but that's no excuse to take it out on your family and he would have to earn his trust back.I'm so proud of my kid.
Tuesday I had a session with my coach. She gave me some good insight into male depression. She said when men feel depressed it usually shows up in the form of anger and when they feel overly stressed at work and not in control of every situation, they sometimes looked to what they can control...space and their relationship with their spouse.
Looking back over the last year I believe my H has suffered from depression. Then this last job was very stressful with millions of dollars on the line and it all came together for the perfect storm. My coach suggested some books for me to read and we discussed how to start a conversation with my H about going to the doctor some blood work and a check up.
He hates going to the doctor but I had the conversation and he agreed to go. I'm so glad. I just want us both to do everything possible to make our marriage better.
Wed we all went to a movie and today we stayed home and worked in the yard. I worked in my garden which was very relaxing.
In all things are going well. After my H goes to the doctor he said he is willing to look into going to a seminar or a couples session.
In all things are going well. After my H goes to the doctor he said he is willing to look into going to a seminar or a couples session.
Hi Teach,
Hey, that sounds like progress to me. Keep up the good work and stay positive.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
*Hugs*
Bob
Thanks Bob! I feel going to the doctor is a good starting point.
Teach -
That all sounds great. Just a reminder to keep your expectations low and your movements slow. Just keep doing what's working.
Parenthetically, I'm so proud of how far you've come during this process. Go back and read your first posts and remember how hard it was for you to go one day without sending a text to your H. Now look where you are! No matter how this turns out, I believe that you are and will be a success story.
Wishing you the best, friend.
Matt
You are such a positive and inspiring person to so many people.
You are amazing.
Thank you for all that you do.
HeavyD
Teach, thank you for the update! It sounds like you had a great week. Just like Matt said, keep all expectations low, but it does seem like you are making great inroads on your journey. Good for you!
E
Thanks Bob! I feel going to the doctor is a good starting point.
Hello Teach!
You're welcome. As our good friend Matt pointed out:
"Just a reminder to keep your expectations low and your movements slow. Just keep doing what's working."This is hard to do, but you need to follow his advice.
I wish you all the best, Teach.
Bob
H goes to the doctor in the morning. It's a good first step.
Looks like things are moving in a good direction, happy for you teach. Just keep on the path and don't rush things. Continue to watch those expectations and let him figure things out.
Hi Teach, how did the doctor appointment go?
Just thinking of you,
E
Hi Teach, I am just reading your situation now. I had a question for you- you said your H is depressed and your coach recommended some books. Did you read them? Were they helpful? If you could recommend any to me I would read them. My husband is depressed too, he is on antidepressants and I think they are starting to work. Its taken some trial and error, increasing a dosage, adding a second antidepressant, but I think it is making a difference although he still is very angry with me.
Hey photoka, thanks for reading my sitch.
The books are:
Terrence Real, I don't want to talk about it:overcoming the secret legacy of male depression
Gail Sheehy, Understanding Men's Passages: Discovering the New Map of Men's lives.
She also recommended some YouTube videos by Mark Gungor, Laugh your way to a better marriage.
And of course Michele Weiner Davis Getting through to the Man you Love.
I'm going to go read up on your sitch now! LOL!
Hey Eirinn,
The appointment went great, even though my H looked like a 5 year old about to get a shot!
They took blood and he actually talked about being angry and feeling out of sorts. The doc is going to get back the results in a couple of days and then discuss what needs to be done.
He mentioned low T could be a factor. I agree it could be, but I don't know how comfortable I would be with my H running around with higher T and a MLC attitude. LOL!
H is leaving in the morning to go back to work. He knows how nervous I am about him leaving. He is trying everything he can to reassure me that he isn't going to flip the switch on me, but I'm still worried.
H said he was open to looking into some different options to make our relationship stronger. I just need to find the right fit for us. I don't want us to ever be in that dark place again.
We had some good meaningful conversations and he says he is committed our relationship and working with me to transition into the next phase of our marriage but I know this is going to be a process and it doesn't have an easy fix. It will take some effort and willingness to explore different ideas.
My personal goals are to keep GAL and reconnect with the person I use to be. I'm going to keep working on myself and try to be the example of "change" in our relationship.
Thank you! I read the Terrance Real book, I will check out the other two. Good luck with the dr. appointment. And keep in mind that it takes several weeks for antidepressants to kick in, and sometimes they aren't the right ones, or the right dosage, so be patient.
Photoka's reminders on anti-depressants is a good one, and the reason that it is best done by a psychiatrist, as it is a bit of an art to figure out which one(s) will work with which patients.
Real's other book, which is on couples is also excellent: How Can I Get Through to You. It is very in tune with the patriarchal cultural socialization that screws up both boys/men and girls/women and causes havoc in out adult relationships.
Hi Teach, I'm glad the appointment went well. It sounds like your H is working hard to reconnect and show you that he wants to work with you. I'm thrilled to hear that you are keeping your expectations low and are continuing to work on you.
You go, girl!
E
Thank you for the book recommendation. I'm going to get it.
I agree about the anti-depressants and if that's the route the doc recommends we will discuss it in depth. My H has never taken any kind of meds. He hates to take asprin.
Hello Teach,
I'm happy to hear the appointment went well. I was LOL because of the way you described your H.
Gotta run for now...just wanted to stop by and let you know you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Hang in there!
Bob
So results came back yesterday. Everything looks good but his T is low...reminds me of all the commercials I see on TV! LOL!
So, doc is recommending a sleep study since H snores like crazy. He said better sleep can help regulate hormones. Doc also wants H to lose about 20 pounds and cut alcohol and then retest blood.
I think its good that the doc wants to try these steps before just prescribing meds.
H and I started on a 30 day improvement plan. We are both working out everyday, keeping gratitude journals, and learning something new each day...right now we are watching the laugh your way to a better marriage videos, then we will move on to something else.
H and I started on a 30 day improvement plan. We are both working out everyday, keeping gratitude journals, and learning something new each day...right now we are watching the laugh your way to a better marriage videos, then we will move on to something else.
Just went back to read your original thread. It's just so insane how some of this stuff goes. Wishing you the best in your journey forward together. Keep going slowly. Scared squirrel, remember!
Teach,
Just caught up on your sitch. The progress you have made in a short time is remarkable. Stay focused and resolute. Like PM said previously, you are an emotional rock. Way to go!
Teach, that is terrific that you guys are doing that together! So, out of curiosity, what did you learn today?
E
Has your H thought of going to see a therapist?
Thank ya'll.
E today the video focused on how differently our brains are wired and how those differences can lead to unnecessary arguing. It was informational but also funny.
Matt and Defacto, thanks for checking in on my sitch. I am taking it slow on my side. It is still raw for me and my coach told me eventually I will have anger over the things he said and how he acted. Right now I'm just happy to be working together.
Mr. Bond thanks for stopping in! It would be my dream come true if he saw a therapist. H says he isn't opposed to going to a marriage seminar or intensive session, which is great but he would benefit greatly from seeing a therapist on his own. I have a therapist and he knows how much it has helped me. I pray he will eventually go.
IMHO, you should go to MC and then maybe that person can guide your H to seek help personally.
While things are going well, I am afraid he will go right back to the way he was because he isn't doing the work on himself to figure out what happened to him in the first place.
Honestly, I've seen VERY few M's here who have survived without some kind of C who guide the couple in the right direction.
Honestly, I've seen VERY few M's here who have survived without some kind of C who guide the couple in the right direction.
Hello Teach!
I haven’t been on the board much this week, so I’m sorry if it seems like a life-time ago that I checked in with you. As always, thank you for your support. It means so much to me.
MrBond is "spot on" with his comment. Between personal experience, friends, my IC, etc. even if you get to the point of "piecing" you need a certified MC to help you both move forward.
Hang in there and try to keep a PMA.
Take care.
Bob
Husband sent a text during this trip stating that he will be home on the 24th and he will be happy. Of course I don't believe it works like that. He couldn't stand NC from me and m son. My son is very angry with him and he basically told him he didnt care if he ever came back.
My H sent me a text saying he was sorry for hurting us, that wasn't his intention. I finally had a phone conversation with him and asked how did he think we would feel...he said happy. OMG! He is delusional right now. He said we will work on us but he doesn't want what we had. That hurt because it's been pretty good in my opinion, but right now it's all about him.
I'm just trying to validate his feelings but I am extremely worried about seeing him. I have worked hard on getting my emotions under control and I don't want to go back to where I have been.
I'm calling my coach as soon as I get back. I have to be prepared. I know this is going to be a process, I just hope I have what it takes. I don't know anyone personally whose husband has flipped a switch on them basically over night. I'm so thankful for this site and my coach.
Hello Teach3,
I'm so happy you have found this site and your DB Coach helpful!
It has been a while since you posted. What has been happening?
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004