Pink - Can you please elaborate on the confusion?
Hello lovely P! Do tell us more when you get chance, and we can offer our 0.2c. And don't forget how confusing MLC is. We only have to look at how confused they feel to realise - it's no wonder we feel confused! Xx
Pink
I am concerned.
From one mouse to another.......
V
Hi Pink. I could do with a chat. Are you around ?
Take care. Rd
Hi all,
So H has been texting more. Last Saturday he wanted to know when S15 was getting back from football camp.
My answer was short and to the point. I just wrote..."around 6pm"
Then S15 got back around 5:40m, I went to the school and picked him up. H text 5:52pm... Thanks!
Not sure, but I think he went to school and there was just a few boys and the coaches there.
Well, he came to the house on sunday. I was back from church so I was looking nice. Had a lot of fresh fruit on the table, bacon, breakfast sausage, fresh French bread, fresh and warm Brazilian cheese balls, scrambled eggs, pierogi w/bacon. A real feast for brunch.
I was finishing the food and setting up the table, H tried to be all nice but I was not in a mood to be all talking and smiling. I asked if he had breakfast and he said that he had something very early. Then I told him to join us.
H sat down in a sec and when he finished he said that the food was great as usual. That he always enjoy my cooking.
At some point he said that he would like to leave the truck with me so it could be helpful with the kids since I just had a small car. I said that I did not want, that I need to live the life I have now and make it do the way it is.
Of course, he spoke in front of the boys and then they asked me to get the truck because we need to take the bikes for tune up. So, I told H that was OK to leave the car. H said that he could sleep in a house and set up the shuttle to the airport or I could drive him there, but it would be very early and he did not want to bother me.
I told him that I could drive him, that there was no problem. He then said that he would work a little bit and then stop by the house. Don't know why to stop, but whatever.
He came back was around 9pm, then he said that he was going to his place and would pick me up at 4am. He had that "poor me face on" and I just said, OK, I just hope I will wake up. He said he would call me so I could be up in time.
He came to the house by 4am. In the way to the airport, H told me about his dad and the 4 surgeries he did. About his brother's new life.
Then he told me the last week he had two asthma attacks, that this old ladies he lives with, they got a cat and they have 4 dogs. Then he said that he appreciate me more every day, that every day he can see more clear. I just said that he should be more careful about his asthma.
H then said that we need to decide who will be responsible for kids surgery stuff in the future and so. I asked him if he would like the 50/50 custody, and he said that with his traveling schedule that it would probably not be possible.
Then I said that it will be decided by the court but I will be responsible for everything related to the kids, and that will be decided by the court. I said that someone must be responsible and I have that as my duty at least until my kids are walking in their own life.
He also said that he misses the boys, the house, that he misses me. I said to him that as I told him, I still think that he needs to participate in his kids life as much as he can. That I think that the kids deserve to have a father and it is important for them.
I said that I want to have, as minimum as possible, any contact with him, but the kids are a different stuff.
H react like a flat tire. He got very sad, did not talk much, drove extremely slow. He was sad.
At the airport, he parked in front of his airline, I got out of the car and he stayed there for a few more minutes, he was not talking much, I then said have a good trip and goodbye.
I got all confused with the mixed messages, the way he looks at me. The things he says to me, but in the same time he is not stopping the D. So, it's like Toots says, don't forget that there is a lot of confusion with the MLC (if that is the case).
Sometimes I think that H really wants the D, that he knows exactly what he is doing and what he wants. And sometimes I think he is so lost and so messed up.
I am detaching a little bit more now. I realized that there is no other way if not just letting him go. Like RD, I still struggle with the detachment business.
But I also realized that I feel better if I am away, distant from him. So I will keep the distance between us. Just kids business.
It's not easy, but it is very possible. Like I told RD, I am trying to take one day at a time and try to make a life like H is not coming back. A life for myself and for my kids.
Anyway, the D will be done very soon and I need to get used to have a life on my own and for my kids.
That's is my confusion. I feel like H play the push and pull game. I know I need to be strong and detach, it is just so very hard when you keep hearing things.
I also tough about asking if H wants to be picked up from the airport on Friday morning, but I think it is better if I don't contact him at all. If he calls me on Thursday and ask me to pick him up on Friday, then I can even say yes, but if he does not, then be it, get a shuttle from the airport.
It was always so easy for me to detach from other people, even people I tough I love. But with H is has been very hard. I guess 18 years of marriage gets to your core.
I know what I need to do, I need to let him fly, go for good. This is what works. However, this is exactly what makes him to react with this push and pull game. It is a torment.
Tomorrow is another day, let's see what is in the horizon.
Love,
Pink
It's always hard Pink when you are getting mixed signals. He probably is confused and goes back and forth in his own head. The one thing I've learned is we can't fix this for them. All you can do is be your best you.
Keep yourself busy and let him sort out his own mess. Your brunch sounded amazing. I'm sure it brought back positive family memories. It doesn't hurt for him
To get a taste ( literally) lol of what he's missing.
Hi Pink. It sounds like you did amazing. Perfect job. Your H is very confused and yet he is seeing the light a small way.
I hope he spent the time on the flight thinking of what he is losing
Take care. Rd. xx
Hello Pink - I agree, it sounds like you did really well. I agree that your H still sounds confused and somewhat regretful. But you say you are confused and I say don't be!
The important things here are actions not words. Your H says he feels sad and misses you and so on. What he doesn't do is ACT. He doesn't end things with OW. Express a sincere wish to work on the M and so on.
And of course, until or unless he gets to that point, he's really not worrying about, and you should keep DBing and moving forward with your own life. He will catch up if he truly wants to for sure. And if he truly wants to reconcile from the very bottom of his heart, you're not going to miss that either.
My exciting news is I have moved to the midlife crisis area of the forum with my new thread. I wasn't able to post a link from my old thread in Infidelity, so I hope people can find me!! Take care lovely P xxx
Wow Pink, that is an impressive read. You have come so far in the last month even. I am proud of you, I thought I was doing a little better then you were but you have flown right past me.
I really like the part about you saying that you need to live your live within your means to him. I am going to remember that because my H is always trying to help me around the house or do stuff and I think I can use that eventually. It shows real independence.
I like it. You are going to be just fine!!
I think Toots is right, we have to wait for the action part, my H has always said all along that he wants us to be one happy family again but other then saying that he doesn't do anything except stop by for a couple of hours on the weekend to see S and me or maybe not me I am just there I don't know and that's it. So from what Toots and other people say there should be actions and it shouldn't make us feel confused it should speak so loudly that we know what they want.
Pink, lovely Pink
H is making word salad again.
Let go, my lovely.
V
Hello dearest friends...RD, Karma, V, Toots and Skydive,
I am letting go. On Friday H text me when he just arrived from the airport and I just said that his car was at the house and said Thank you, I appreciate you sacrificing so much time loaning the car to us.
Today H texted asking me if I had some discount coupon and I answer just "NO". I actually answer about 8 hours late but I just got busy and did not check my phone.
Then after my short answer, H text saying "I hope you are well. My dad got out of the hospital yesterday and he is home now" ... I did not answer at all.
And the main reason I will let go is not even because of me, but when he was home on Friday he saw S15 and just asked how he was doing and then said he needed to go and would talk to them on weekend.
Friday night I left to a neighbor city festival with all three boys. I met a friend there and told the boys that they could do their stuff and would be with my friend for awhile.
S15 made a big fiasco. S21 sent me a text telling me about it. When I came close to S15, he was very mad, wanted to leave and said that now I will be with my friends and find someone and abandon him as well.
That he hates his father and would be happy to hear that he is dead, that I am too worry about myself and blah, blah, blah.
It was a heartbreaking scene and I cried a lot later, thinking that H made a huge mass and now I need to resign my again because I need to be the support for the kids.
What kind of father did I chose for my kids? Yes, the answer is... a father that does not care about anyone besides himself.
So be it and go to hell. I am finally getting tired of H games. I just want him to leave me allont.
Love and thaks for al your support,
Pink
Hello my lovely...I'm sorry you've been having a tough time of it sweetheart. IMHO, loving detachment is the best thing to aim for here. I think your NO text and not responding to the update on his Dad are reactive (angry?) responses. I don't sense that you are completely done, but that you may benefit from greater detachment...
I'm sorry for your S - that's hard. And your H relationship with his kids is his to own. Might it be an option to say to S that dad is working through some hard things of his own right now. Whilst that may feel like he isn't offering you much ATM, that's more about him than about you. And it will likely pass...
Keep reading the guidance on detachment - you're not aiming for cold & cutting him off, you 're aiming to lovingly recognise he is on his own difficult path just now & has little good to offer you. Therefore, your own happiness cannot be bound to him.
I'm trying to work on forgiveness. One thing I realise is that H did what he did because he was in pain and didn't have the tools to do otherwise....
Take care lovely P xx
Hi Pink. So sorry to here about S15. I think it's often the problem with kids when they have such a caring and loving mum. He is depending on you for both mum and dad now and that makes it tough on you but you can handle it.
As usual I agree with Toots that I don't think your really finished with H. You love the man and you can't just turn it off. ( even if you would like to !!! )
While I think you should relax back from H for your own sake , I hope that you take a few days to decide if it's over or not.
We all know the Pink we love is a passionate person and I would imagine when it's comes to Pinks boys that's multiplied by 1000. As Toots says his relationship with them is for him to sort out and at the moment I don't think you H is thinking clearly enough to do that.
plenty of hugs for all the boys Pink , your their rock. You have to let H do what ever he's going to do and live your own life. The M isn't over until a calm , relaxed Pink decides it is.
Stay strong for you and your family Pink. hugs and kisses. Rd
Sorry about spelling !!!!
We all know the Pink we love is a passionate person and I would imagine when it's comes to Pinks boys that's multiplied by 1000. As Toots says his relationship with them is for him to sort out and at the moment I don't think you H is thinking clearly enough to do that.
Plenty of hugs for all the boys Pink, your their rock. You have to let H do what ever he's going to do and live your own life. The M isn't over until a calm , relaxed Pink decides it is.
Hi Pink,
Our friend RD is so spot on! I can't think of anything to add at the moment, other than to let you know you are in my thoughts and prayers.
xoxo
Bob
Thanks V, Toots, RD and Bob,
I really appreciate your help during this hell mess in my life.
H just text me:
" Good Afternoon Cira. I would like to speak with you about a few things, sometime this week when you are available, like getting my last things out of the house and some other things."
If this is the same person that shared life with me during 18 years, I would say that he hates me with all his heart and soul.
My birthday is on Wednesday- June 17th, and this is the week that he chose to talk about taking stuff from the house and God knows what else.
I can't deny anymore that H is trying his best to instigate my anger, to hurt me pretty bad and see me on the floor. I can't just believe that someone does this by coincidence.
I understand I am not suppose to ready, understand or translate anything that H does. But the knife on my chest is hard to miss and he wants to make sure I know he does not remember or does not care at all for my birthday.
How can someone become so mean and so cruel, is his hate so, so big that he needs to do this?
I am letting him go, I do not bother him for anything. In his eyes I am moving forward with my life and do not even care of what he is doing with his. So, why in hell is he doing this.
I could say that it's all in my imagination, but it is not. There are so many things that happens that is just to make me unhappy, the red flags are everywhere and I can't just ignore them.
People say that love and hate walking beside each other, and I am starting believing in it. I loved this man with all my heart, I did very good things and bad things during our M. I could have been a better wife.
But he is hurting me too much now. And maybe my old ways of defending myself are not so wrong at this moment. My self defense will be to send him to hell and be done with it.
I am detaching more and more. I do not have anything to do with this monster anymore. His venom is licking out of his mouth and into anything he does or say to me. I will be far away from him.
I do not know how to answer his text. Right now I extremely mad with him, I will wait. What you guys think... do I say I am not available this week, and set a date next week? Or I just say text me. Or I can even say, talk to my lawyer if it is urgent or we can talk next week.
I really don't know and could use some advice here. The best is not being enemies because we have kids together. But I just feel it would be just so easy to finish it all now. I am so tired and annoyed with all this.
H wants some available time when I need to make some more time for all the things I need to do, including setting up IC for the S17 and S15 again. Ahg... would be so much easier to be a widow, and I would be set financially.
Sorry for so much anger, but my hear is boiling right now.
Pink
And now H text again saying that he will stop by the house to pick up some golf equipment because of his company golf tournament.
Is he really trying to drive me crazy? His kids are home today, so why not just stop by?
No answer from me again.
Pink
Pink,
Be all nonchalant and say, "Sure, we can talk. Here are my available days/times: XXXyoubastardxxxxx. "
You want him to come to you ON YOUR time if he really wants to talk with you, not the other way around.
Hi Pink. Please , please take this post how it's meant. You know I care for you and would never intentionally cause you pain.
You are letting your anger control you You have to get this under control before you decide anything.
I don't think your H is meaning to cause you this much pain. He might be trying to get a reaction out of you but from what he has said before I'm not sure he means to really hurt you.
Re the text , I would ignore it. Let him text again.
Pink my friend this is all a nightmare and it's not something you can avoid. The only way to happiness is to go through it.
Your boys have a wonderful mum who will guide them through this time with love and compassion. An I/C will offer then professional guidance and if they have 1/2 the strength of their mum they will get through this
I cannot defend your H and no one can. He is going through his own issues and needs to resolve these himself. Like a lot of WAS he can't see the damage he is causing to his family and thinks he is finding himself You have to let him go and have no expectations that you would have had from him in the past Don't expect anything from him anymore and then you can't be hurt (. Easier said than done )
Pink. You have suffered enough. Give it over to God and let him deal with it
In anyway he sees fit Pink has no control over this. You are obviously and mind , caring , loving person that brings great insight and advice to lots of us on here. Your H is an idiot and doesn't deserve you.
Please know that you are cared for on here and in the real world. You are a person of great worth and value and H cannot take that away by his actions
Relax back for now distract yourself and spend time with your wonderful S"s
Post often Pink , to give more people time to help and support you
Take care. Rd. Huge hugs and extra xxxxx
Yeah...there's always that "no response" option. A fail safe way to go about this. H knows where to find you. No, he's not trying to hurt you or get a rise out of you. He is doing what he thinks is best for him at the moment.
'Thinks' being the operative word....remember that, sweetie.
Hi Pink,
I agree with RD. I honestly don't think they even see the ramifications for their actions and how it might hurt the LBS. They are too focused on themselves and their own needs at this time. I can clearly see it in my H. He swears he is not hurting or angry, but his actions and words tell the truth. He flat out said he is tired of not making his needs a priority.
At some point this is likely to change once they are out of fog and have addressed their internal issues. For now, as hard as it is, you can't take it personally. I know that is easier said than done.
BW
Thanks guys, it helps. It's so amazing, but it really helps to have someone telling you that it is OK.
And you are all very right. H is totally selfish right now. He needs to get a tattoo with the work on his chest.
It's all me...me...me...
And the kids just told me that he said that he will take them to dinner Wednesday or Thursday this week. They told me they said nothing about BDay, but they told him they will let him know when it is OK for them.
I am trying my best to get my head out of it. I have no other way of resolving this if not going through it.
Well, got an email from my L saying that we need to choose the mediator. There is a court mediator and then there is a private mediator and my L thinks that I would benefit from a private one.
I sent an email to my L asking to meet him to find out what can be negotiated before the mediation so it does not cost a fortune and will be resolved all in one meeting.
This whole D hurts, but I really believe I will feel much better after this is all done and resolved.
I feel like I will be my own person again.
Again, thanks so much. I don't know what would happen if I did not have the support I have here.
And about his texts, I will just ignore it all. I will start packing his stuff and if he asks he can just pick them up.
To tell the truth I think it is all done. I try to believe in this fog thing, but H is calculating every step of the way for a long time. I was just very blind and a complete idiot that I did not see it coming.
H have his plans, is enjoying life and taking care after himself. This is what is real.
Thanks,
Pink
Shouldn't your H have to pack his own things?
Maybe he should, but then it will be another excuse to be in a house for a long time. Maybe it is just easier to have him picking up his stuff and leaving very fast.
It's amazing how he can talk and play the real victim and I am not in a mood to hear his excuses anymore.
The farther the better. I am still hurting myself with what I think and I should get better of letting go of it all and don't think any more stupid things. I need to work hard on that.
But, I can control a little easier that H won't hurt me anymore with his words. He does not want me in his life, so get away from me once for all.
And yes, you will say that I am acting very angry. And I am, very, very angry because he left me, because I worked hard so he could build up his career, because he is hurting my children, because he is a selfish bastard and I trusted him, because he was sleeping with another woman when I was taking care after everything.
It's a lesson learned. Now I need to learn how to forgive and let go, and that I may find the most difficult one.
I am in pain, with hate in my heart. I need to develop a plan and I feel lost right now. I need patience. I will try.
Pink
Lovely P.....will post more later - no time now. Act from a place of love & strength. Work thru anger in other ways, don't direct it at H. My H ignored/forgot my Bday. Remember MLC = self absorption. It is not about you, it just is.
Detach & release. Worry not about what H is doing. Make lovely plans for your Bday & enjoy....will post more later my friend xx
Hi Pink. So sorry your this upset. I wish I had the words to help It's such a hard time for you and it's so difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel but it is there. Pink will be very happy again o ne day and this will all be in your past
Positive thoughts for you. Rd
Hi Toots,
Thanks so much sister, it is very wise to remind me about the MLC stuff. I do not get it totally. It's so hard to understand. But, the point here is that I should not be trying to understand. It is what it is.
I get really confused with H attitude. He comes and he is distant, does not get into anything. Then other day, he comes and is very friendly, flirting, like he is missing me. Then he sends me text about his family stuff, he is friendly and is sharing. Then other time he text like he is some stranger. Is very polite, but is very business like.
And I need to detach, do things that matter for me and for the kids. It is just so hard.
Maybe the whole "act as if" is my way to go. I also think that I am confused because it is hard to love someone that is doing so much damage.
Like Wonka said, it's not about me. The things he is doing is all about him. So, if I don't want to go insane, I need to let go and try my best to live a good life.
I am struggling with the fact that he betrayed me and left me with all responsibilities. I feel like an idiot.
Love the way you put things Toots, I envy you (in a good way) of how you see things and how calm you deal with everything. You are one very amazing woman and as RD says, your H is making a big mistake being so blind.
Hope you have a good day. How is your mom doing?
Love.
Pink
Hi Pink, she's doing so much better - thanks for asking. I popped in to see her on my way back from work tonight. Got to call up there later for a bit to make sure she's asleep and doesn't get out of bed.
I wanted to post more, but I'm just all busy today!! I think with the confusion about your H. Is that happening because you develop expectations as a result of his behaviour? The most successful DBers I have seen seem to be the ones who observe and then shrug off/let it go. So if their H is super friendly one day. They notice it, and think - Hmm, much more friendly today. Then they think no more of it.
However, if your H is super friendly and you start to think - Wow - is he having second thoughts? He seemed like he loved me last night....well, IMHO this is where the problems arise. Cue rollercoaster and a crash when he does something that seems cold or disinterested. So all if this is about keeping yourself on a steady plane - despite the fact he is friendly one day, lost the next, cold the next and so on. These changes are just a symptom of his confusion and lostness just now.
The other thing I would say is that he may have left you with lots of responsibility. But he has also left you with a lot of love in your home, which he has given up for the time being...
In respect of getting his stuff and it being your birthday week. I think it is fine to calmly respond - no problem to get your things - I have birthday things going on next week, so the following week would be best. If you don't want him coming to the house during your celebrations, just confirm that.
But, it's a cheeseless tunnel to be thinking - how could he do this??? It's my special week!! I can't believe he could be so thoughtless!! All of that stuff just isn't going to get you anywhere. It would be much better if you could smile to yourself and chalk it down as the next thing that happened in your MLC journey.
Now then - onto the important stuff. Do you have some nice birthday plans??
Lovely post Toots. Insightful as well. This is one to read and reread a lot Pink
Take care. Rd. xx
Oh Toots, lovely sister of mine.
I agree with RD, this is indeed an amazing post. You are right on the nail head. And I deserve the 2 x 4. I have been in this board for almost a year and still did not learn about the expectations.
You are right, I have been going in cheeseless tunnels for a long time and I am convincing myself that there should be some explanation (s) for every awkward behavior from H.
And as it is now in my head, I see a H that is totally fine, dealing with his life and moving forward. A H that has a plan and is so sure about leaving his marriage and start a R with some French girlfriend. A H that thinks that once in a while he shows up and play dad.
And then I see a H that left his family and since then is very worried about his looks, eating right, losing weight. A H that asked for a D and did nothing to start the paperwork, a H that got only his clothes out of the house and is living with two lesbian old ladies, in a tiny room, in a house that has 4 dogs and a cat while he has asthma.
I see a H that did not want to have financial review and set up at the beginning of may and is depositing his whole pay into a joint bank account, instead of just paying what he needs and try to make his life better.
Toots, you probably understand what is going on inside of me, that I try to believe that H is totally done with our M and he knows exactly what he is doing and that I am just being stupid believing in this thing about MLC.
But then I see the gaps and think that it is real and the MLC is something that is really happening to him.
OK, another 2 x 4 (many of them) on my head. It does not matter what I want to believe, what I do believe or what I don't. It does not and will not change anything.
I need to concentrate in myself, my life and my kids and be the best what I can be and do and be the best what I can be.
Lately, I have been writing here all my frustration, but outside here, I have been much of NC, dark. Every day I feel it's better to keep myself away from H right now.
And now, H has been texting me every day.
The last one was today (Tuesday) at 8:55pm. He wrote:
"Hi Cira. I wanted you to know that I will be out of town tomorrow, between approx. 6am 8pm. I have a meeting in Dallas.
...I did not answer, not my business; but now I know he will be out the whole day, on my birthday.
Then another text:
"I would like to propose to take our sons to lunch on Friday. Also, if it is OK with you, I will ask them if they want to do something on Sunday."
...And I did not answer yet. I told him many times that things like this, take them to lunch, he can just talk to them and they will let me know. They are old enough to decide about their lunch.
Sunday is Father's Day, and I am not a jerk, of course I am OK with him spending time with his sons.
I will let go as I should, I must. I will just answer tomorrow morning... "H, it's fine with me. I appreciate you spending some time with the kids."
This is a huge 180 for me. H knows how to push my buttons, in other times, I would be writing a big letter for him, but now there is nothing.
I think I can do it. Besides, I need to get busy. Yesterday, I had a little race on a highway with a motorcycle guy. It was quite nice. Not dangerous, but kind of crazy.
Today, I worked a lot, we saw a lot of patients and I end up working 8:30 hours. When I got home, the kids asked me if we could go somewhere eat a pizza, so we went to Boulder, ate a delicious pizza, saw a street artist, laughed a lot and then came back home and everyone is feeling really good.
The messages did get the best of me for a few minutes, then I remember Toots words and decide to let go, that H is going crazy and that I do not need to get crazy like him.
Wonka said before that he did a lot of crazy stuff while he was in MLC himself, so maybe it is the case and I just need to let go. I feel better feeling this way.
I love you guys with all my heart. You have been the best what happen in my whole life.
XOXO
Pink
So is today your special day then lovely one??????
Happy birthday to Pink!!
Happy birthday to Pink!!
Happy birthday lovely Pink one!
Happy birthday to Pink!
I hope you have a great day......any nice plans??
xx
Hi Pink. Well done on the text. It's sounds like you and the boys had a great night out. Lots more times like that in the future.
Racing a bike on the highway !!!!!!!! way to go !!!!! There's the Pink we all love !!!!
Not sure about the time difference but Have a fantastic birthday. Rd. xxxx
Thanks so much Toots and RD,
Yes, it was a great night yesterday and I will try to have a great night today.
I decided to make it special with just my boys today. It's a working day for me and S15 has physical therapy for his shoulder. He is still recovering from the big tackles in football camp. He plays O'Line - offense, left guard, so he gets big hits defending his Quarterback.
Oh Yes, racing a bike on a highway!!!! It's so nice, the guy in a bike got the message and enjoyed the ride too.
I was kind of flirting with him, he open his helmet shade and he was very handsome, probably younger then me, but what the hell.
After he pass me in a big show off with his gorgeous yellow bike, he stop at a traffic light. I drove very close behind him and started accelerating in a race mode, then he went for.
It made me feel very young again and the police was not around.
Like I said, it was all in a safe way, never put the biker or myself in any danger. As a matter of fact, I have always been very careful and now I have a million reasons for that.
I work with many folks that lost their leg(s) or arm(s) to bike accidents. It is not fun to see that part.
So, I will go out with some girlfriends for a beer tomorrow, there are a gazillion breweries in Colorado. Not sure what will be on Friday, but I am planning do not stay home, it's summer and it's time to be outside.
Saturday morning will be Zumba class again, Saturday night will go dancing. And life is good.
Have a ton of things to do, so need to get moving. To tell the truth I do not have much time for H right now. What is probably best.
I just wish I can feel this way every day.
Thanks for the birthday wishes, they are very welcome and all the hugs and kisses I can get today. You are so amazing, I own you so much of my good feelings today.
I love you all!!!
Pink
Hi Pink. Happy birthday! I love your GAL plans, leaves no time for H. Perfect!
Thanks Sunny,
It is very kind. Yes, no time for H but he still feels the freedom of texting nonsense.
H text:
FYI - My return flight was cancelled. I am stuck in Dallas overnight and will get back late morning tomorrow, Thursday.
No replay from me...
I know, I know, no expectations, NC, do not let his text get to you, stay the course and be strong. Just be you and let H be.
I won't say a thing, I am his ex wife and his travelling schedule or problems have nothing to do with me.
AaaaaaHhhhhhhhGggggggg!!!! It is just very hard to deal with all this. Why in the heavens is he texting me this nonsense stuff?
2 x 4s welcome... Do not ask why because there is no WHY that will make any sense.
Life is easy... when you can live without crazy people around.
But, as hard as it is, I will be strong and I will forget him, totally.
Love,
Pink
Happy Birthday Pink!!
Big birthday hugs for you, as many as you want!
PP
Pink,
I might dye my hair blue to celebrate your birthday!!
Naw...
Hope you will have a great HBD.
Yes, no time for H but he still feels the freedom of texting nonsense.
H text:
FYI - My return flight was cancelled. I am stuck in Dallas overnight and will get back late morning tomorrow, Thursday.
No replay from me...
I know, I know, no expectations, NC, do not let his text get to you, stay the course and be strong. Just be you and let H be.
I won't say a thing, I am his ex wife and his travelling schedule or problems have nothing to do with me.
AaaaaaHhhhhhhhGggggggg!!!! It is just very hard to deal with all this. Why in the heavens is he texting me this nonsense stuff?
2 x 4s welcome... Do not ask why because there is no WHY that will make any sense.
Life is easy... when you can live without crazy people around.
But, as hard as it is, I will be strong and I will forget him, totally.
Love,
Pink
Pink, this is by no means a 2 x 4 but why do you consider his text crazy? It seems courteous to me. I would appreciate it if my H had sent it. It didn't require a response, so that part is fine, but the reaction it provokes in you seems to be out of proportion.
I know that I'm in the minority here, I do better with some contact between me an H, mostly because of our kids. We only conduct idle chit chat in person, not by text. Still, it annoys me when he doesn't text, not when he does. So, dearest birthday girl, can you explain why this text was so annoying?
And...I might put a pink streak through my hair, in honor of your birthday. Not blue, but.....
And yes, you will say that I am acting very angry. And I am, very, very angry because he left me, because I worked hard so he could build up his career, because he is hurting my children, because he is a selfish bastard and I trusted him, because he was sleeping with another woman when I was taking care after everything.
It's a lesson learned. Now I need to learn how to forgive and let go, and that I may find the most difficult one.
I am in pain, with hate in my heart. I need to develop a plan and I feel lost right now. I need patience. I will try.
Hello Dear Pink,
When your self-worth is threatened or your convictions are being walked all over, you will want to lash out. It is a normal human emotion. Anger deriving from self-preservation can be justified as long as you are expressing it in a way that is healthy. If you are a believer (I can't remember) start by bringing your anger to God. He can handle it!
I have said this prayer when I feel very angry at my W and the entire sitch. Not always, but quite often, it brings me comfort:
"Lord God, I am hurt, angry, and confused. I don’t like this feeling of worthlessness and rejection. I know You are the God of peace. Teach me how to accept and assimilate that inner peace. It seems so far away sometimes. Amen."Pink, so many people (me included) care about you so much. You do not deserve what you are going thru.
Please hang in there, ok?
xoxo
Bob
Hello my friends,
Thank you so much Toots, RD, SunnyB, PigPen, Sandi2, BW05 and Wonka for the warmest wishes of Happy Birthday.
I had fun. My kids and I went to Joe's Crab. We had been at this restaurant in San Diego and in San Francisco. Of course, the one in Colorado is not the best one, but it brought us some nice memories, and the food was not so bad.
Wonka... the blue hair wouldn't be so bad, it was a very, very deep dark blue. Was really nice.
Bob... I copied that prayer and will repeat every day. It will help me to learn how to let go the hate in my heart, the anger in my soul. Thanks.
You are the best!!!
Pink
Hi Sunny,
My reasons why his texts are so annoying to me:
1.First he fired me as his wife. Does not want to share life with me.
2.Why, because there is another woman in his life.
3.He picked up his clothes and left like a college kid, left everything else for his mom to resolve.
4.Comes and goes, playing with my feelings.
5.Does not have any sense of responsibilities with his kids.
6.Does not care about anyone or anything besides himself.
7.Said several times, that he loves me with all his heart, that he will never love someone like he loves me but he can't see himself married to me anymore.
8.Then slowly I start learning that the best way is to do the real DBing work, follow the process and go NC, dark, move forward and try to make my life as if H won't be back ever.
9.Then every day H has something to text.
10.If he wants to go, just leave me alone.
Well, and besides this, I think he was very rude and insensitive because yes, it was my birthday, and if he wants to stay out of it, then leave me alone with the people that care about me.
The last text was:
"Dear Cira. Sorry to let you know that I was unable to use the bank card today. It was rejected for about $30 charge.
I got this text when I was having dinner with my kids. And all this because he use the card and purchase a lot of stuff using the checking account, instead of the savings. It's not the first time he does this.
I gave him all accounts info and he still does not sit his ass and just log in and do a transfer. I told him twice about this already.
Why it bothers me? Because he does not respect me at all, because he is always just thinking about himself.
Because he has a GF, then text her about your traveling. I am his EX and it does not matter to me if he comes or goes.
Because he knows me, and he needs to make sure I am thinking about him. And I need to move forward, need to be strong, need to resolve kids panic attack, need to hang in there.
Why he can not have some shame in his face and keep his life to himself. I do not call him, I do not ask anything from him, I do not bother him in any way. He was always welcome in our house.
I talk to him very friendly, I do not complain about anything. And I think I deserve at least some space to breath.
I am not and will not talk to him if not about our kids and that will be all. If he does not want me in his life, then I won't be there at all.
And by the way, I got that text at dinner time, and he knew I was out with the boys because he text the boys too. But, I never got any Happy Birthday you idiot!!!
And that is the way I feel, an idiot. This is the man that slept beside me for 18 years and now he can't even say Happy Birthday. Yes I am making a storm in a little cup of water, but I am upset with him.
I am seriously thinking it is time to see things the way they are and H is very sure about his life.
And I do not like to be around him, talking to him or even seeing him anymore. I want to be as far as possible from him. He makes me sick and I do not need the aggravation right now or ever.
I stopped playing around, I do not want to be second plan. He can go to hell and be happy as he please.
Ah, another thing is that when H is in town, he does not care if we need anything or not. It is like if he is traveling. So, why this bull to let me know he is leaving for a one day trip, or if his flight was cancelled or not? Ex wife does not need to know about this.
Sorry the big response, I think I have a lot of work to do in my anger. I was not very angry before. I don't even know why I am getting this adversity from H. I will talk to my IC about this.
Thanks for the question. It kind of challenge me.
Pink
Hi Pink, I'm sorry you didn't receive a happy birthday message from your H. The same happened to me (and for our anniversary) and it isn't very nice. Maybe he forgot, maybe he didn't feel it would be appropriate - we just don't know.
Good for you having a big think about the anger his texts incite. As Sunny says, it did seem a disproportionate reaction to a benign message from him. It doesn't seem unreasonable for him to send a text like that, so I think this is more about your anger (and therefore yours to own) about the whole situation. Don't get me wrong, I can fully understand your anger - but I think this is more about self-awareness and processing your anger in a healthy way, that supports your own goals and hopes for your M.
I'll post what you posted below, and offer some comment if I may:
1.First he fired me as his wife. Does not want to share life with me. (His decision isn't something you can control - but you can control how you feel and respond to this.)
2.Why, because there is another woman in his life. (I know - that's rotten, and I'm right there with you. The thing is, SHE isn't central here. If it wasn't her, it would be someone else. It is just where he is right now. I think the important thing is maintaining your own boundary, given the presence of OW. You know the stats - she is not the love of his life...)
3.He picked up his clothes and left like a college kid, left everything else for his mom to resolve. (If he is in MLC, he may well struggle to be responsible for things. You can be responsible for your own stuff, and leave him to deal with whatever is his IMHO.)
4.Comes and goes, playing with my feelings. (Your feelings will only get played if you ALLOW them to get played. It is possible to give his texts less than a minute of your precious headspace and then get on with your day - it just takes practice and discipline.)
5.Does not have any sense of responsibilities with his kids. (You can only do what you think is right by the kids. You can't control the links he chooses to have with them - that's his to own. I would let him take full responsibility for this, and just do what you can to support the kids when they need Mom)
6.Does not care about anyone or anything besides himself. (I think his text says otherwise. He is letting you know of his changed travel plans. Were you worried that he was choosing to stay another night in order to be with OW? You can always check flight information to see if there was a genuine cancellation and then you will know and can move forward.)
7.Said several times, that he loves me with all his heart, that he will never love someone like he loves me but he can't see himself married to me anymore. (Similar to what my H has said - He loves me, I'm beautiful, the best to be married to - but I do want to D. I think this is typical MLC/WAS language. Best not to try and make SENSE of it - because SENSE is, you love me, let's work it out. But we know that things don't work like that, hence we are DBing.)
8.Then slowly I start learning that the best way is to do the real DBing work, follow the process and go NC, dark, move forward and try to make my life as if H won't be back ever. (That sounds like the best plan to me....similar to what I am doing..)
9.Then every day H has something to text. (No problem - his texts needn't have a huge impact on your day...as above...)
10.If he wants to go, just leave me alone. (You don't get to control what he does lovely P. Only what you do..)
I hope this is helpful my friend. I would encourage you to work with the IC on the anger, because processing it and moving forward from it is the best thing you can do for yourself. I hope you have a lovely day sweet P xx
Pink, I wasn't putting together that this text came on your birthday. If I had received it without acknowledgment of my birthday, I'd be upset, too. Having said that, I stand by the rest of my post, and I like that you took time to think things through. Toots has given you a wonderful response. You might have a look at Maybell's thread over in Surviving the Big D, Betsey often has insightful things to say about anger. No one is saying it's wrong to feel anger, just that it's not part of the wonderful future you are trying to build, Pink, and perhaps it's time to work on letting it go.
Hi Toots and SunnyB,
Thanks for your kind words.
Toots - all words that you have offered me say the truth about my life right now. I guess the anger is one of the last feeling to process before letting it go for real.
I am really struggling to let go. For me, it does not mean that I will hope H is coming back, letting go for me means that I will close that door and will not want to open again.
I know it is very dramatic and does not need to be that way, but that is the way I process things inside of me. Maybe I learned the wrong way, I don't know, I just know that is does not work both ways inside of me.
Right now, it is not about his texts as much, but it is the lack of sensibility from his part. In my mind I think that if you do not want to be with someone anymore, then leave that person alone and make it easier for her to start building her life.
I feel angry to the fact that he disregard everything and still feel the right to report his stuff, his life. When no one's life is important for him.
I guess my next boundary will make it clear to him that I do not want to know anything about his life anymore.
It does not matter for me anymore if he is here, gone, traveling, having a belly ache or whatever. He wants to D me, so be gone for good.
I know that all this should not bother me and I need to get busy with my life and just let go on everything. And even knowing all this I feel disrespected by what he is doing.
And it is easier said then done. The mess that he is leaving behind is very real. I am the one to hold my kid's life together. I am the one to recognize all the issues and schedule IC and go to appointments. I am the one with the responsibilities to hold life together while "Don Juan" goes out and about shopping for new clothes and having fun.
So, it is right, he must go for good. The more I think and write, the bigger is the hate inside me.
And you are all right, I tough I was doing good, but I think the real work is just starting. I will talk to my IC about my feelings and all my reactions. Right now, I am determined that no matter what this idiot will be out of my life.
I am having a hard time. I was not feeling so hurt before, but I am now.
Sunny - The whole issue was really because it was my birthday and he kept texting me for other reasons. He did not just wish me Happy B-Day you stupid S**t. Instead, it was all about him again. He is so centered in himself, "Don Juan" can't see anything in front of his nose.
I will treat myself, I will work on the anger issue because it is not right for me and won't do any good to my future. But, I am very sure that I want this man away from me, and he will understand it very clear.
Pink
Bob... I copied that prayer and will repeat every day. It will help me to learn how to let go the hate in my heart, the anger in my soul. Thanks.
Hello Dear Pink,
I am so happy it will help you.
Sending positive thoughts your way.
Many, many *Hugs*
Bob
Hi Pink. you are in a bad funk at the moment and you cannot make decisions while your in this place.
You know what we all think of you on this board and we have seen your ups and downs. This is a really bad down because H has rudlely ignoried your birthday
Can I ask if you really think H would do this if he was thinking straight. what has he got to gain ? In this case I think H is looking for a reaction Pink has stood back , let H do his thing and carried on with your life. Your showing H that you can be without him and he's reacting to that
Closing the door to your heart won't work because you love him. If you didn't love him you wouldn't be so upset and angry Pink , please let go of all expectations of H. It's so difficult to do but you can do it. Show H that you can be without him. Don't react to him or his actions
We all know how much the pain hurts and it's horrible but we all have to deal with it. We will get through this , Pink will love again and be happy again. I don't know if this will be with H or some other very lucky man. This will happen
Carry on being the best Pink you can be
Take care. Rd. cxxx
Pink
I bring cheeeeese to your birthday.
I sense there is a big underlying issue here, a huge elephant, to be eaten one bite at a time.
Let me be H for a moment:
I turn up at my old home whenever I chose
I get fed, watered, I can even sleep, watch TV
Magnificent breakfasts, I miss those
My wife is looking good these days
I live with two old ladies and cats and dogs which make me itch
I have a gf I am passionate about but who is far away
I text my xW because I am lonely
I involve myself in her life when I chose
Oh yes, it's her birthday about now sometime
My XW is great, she doesn't mind very much and lets me do as I please
She engages with my texts and calls
She lets me keep my stuff at her place
She packs
She interacts and is friendly
All good then?
Pink, detach, let go, let H look after H. You can chose to let H take the full consequences of his life choice. Sweet P, you need your space.
Hugs
V
Hi Pink. I hope your doing well. Havnt see you post for a good few days. When you get time I would love to read an update.
Take care Rd. xx
Hi Pink. Any chance of any update ???
Take care. Rd
Pink, I'd like an update too, my friend. See, we all chase when you don't post!
Hope you are doing okay xx
Hi my friends,
Sorry about my absence. I was mad but then extremely busy. Work has taken most of my time these days. Sometimes I wonder why so many people are so sick. We have a ton of patients, a lot of them are people with diabetes. Crazy, most of these folks were not born with diabetes.
Anyway. After being so mad about the whole fiasco on my birthday. I end up the week in a good note.
Last Friday, I was in my way to meet two girl friends for a Happy Hour in Boulder. So, I dressed up, put a nice make up and just like GG, had my high hills on.
I was driving in a large and long avenue when I noticed that there was a truck driving very slow. When it got closer, I noticed that it was H's truck. He drove beside me most of the way. The avenue becomes one way street at some point and I merged just behind H.
I kept saying to myself "Let Go", and that's what I did. I drove behind him and then went my way. I did nothing to call his attention and just ignored it.
Had a good GAL, after the Happy Hour we went to a hotel were a Brazilian band was playing. We danced a lot. Met some friends, laughed, had a lot of fun. I met a friend that invited us to go somewhere else to dance a little more and we did, it was super, we danced and had fun until 12:30am.
On Saturday morning I went to my Zumba class. Wow, got a good sweat. After zumba, went for a coffee with a friend. She said really good things about me, it was nice to hear that.
Saturday night had dinner out with the kids.
On Sunday, got a call from a friend asking me to go hiking. So, I put my clothes and stuff in a car and went to church first. Met some friends and we decided to talk a little more. Went to a burger place where we hanged out for a little over two hours.
After that I went with my friend to the Chachaqua mountain for a good hiking time. It was really good.
On sunday was Father's Day, so the kids were hanging out with their dad. I left a gift and a father's day card for him.
It was getting late so I text S21 and he said that H was still at the house. I did not have a choice but face the inevitable. Once home, I wished him a Happy Father's day and went on doing my things.
H came to talk. Asked how I was doing. Then he said that he would like to go out sometime during the week and talk. I asked what about, if he wanted to talk about some stuff about the D and he said that not at all. He said that he would like to talk about us, life and the universe.
I looked at him and said that I think it is better for myself if we do not go out. That we did talk before, that I understood his choices and respect it and that we do not have anything to talk about. That I am fine with the life I have.
H got emotional, had tears in his eyes and went to the restroom. In the mean time I noticed a note with my name on it placed right were I have my angel in the kitchen.
Yes, I am Latina. I have a nice angel...and on father's day I put some fresh red roses and lighted a candle for the only father I have...God. I read the note and it said:
"Dear Cira,
I hope that you had a Happy Birthday last week. I really do want to speak with you, if you could let me know when we could meet somewhere? I hope that you and your family in Brasil are doing well.
Love,
H"
I decided not to react to the note, instead I became distant. I spoke a little more with H. He said several time of how I am wonderful, that I am very beautiful.
H told me about his next trip and that he is going to visit his parents, we talked about my sister. H noticed that my grass is not very green and asked me to open the sprinkler system and I said that it is my responsibility now and I would do when I have some time.
Well friends, I treated H with respect, I spoke calmly and without any anger. I did not react to anything and spoke sometimes as I am already divorced. He was a good neighbor. H said things about us and I was not impressed.
It was all the same stuff. But I am learning to detach, to let go, to forget. I agree with V and all of you that it is time to Let go. H does not love me anymore and I need to face it the way it is.
I don't feel bad. I don't feel good either. I just don't even know what I feel anymore. Sometimes I think I want him back, I miss him, I feel very said and it hurts a lot. But, sometimes I don't want him back, I feel in peace with myself, I feel I can breath and I don't hurt as much.
Right now, I really don't have any idea of how I feel. But for sure I know that H is gone and is not coming back.
We will have mediation on july 9th, depending of how much we agreed, then the next time in court will be our final D. And then, I want H as far as he can from me. I do not want him around me anymore, I will be done for good with all of this.
I am good and I am bad. I am in the middle of the tornado. I know it will pass, I know it leaves a lot of destruction. But I also know that once it is done, I can finally pick up the pieces and throw it in a trash.
Love you all,
Pink
Hi Pink. You sound strong and wel done on how you treated H. I think you're doing the right thing dietaching yourself Sounds like your having lots of fun and that's rally great
You say that H doesn't love you anymore I would relax back from this a bit. He certainly isn't treating you with love but he is very lost in my opinion
Pink should continue with her life and let the future re H be what it will be
I hope the boys are doing well
Take care. Rd
Hello lovely P! Really pleased to hear about your GAL. It truly does make a big difference to how we feel doesn't it? I'm so glad you have been out and enjoying yourself, because you've had a rough time of it lately.
I agree with RD and your comment about H not loving you. I also read that in your post and thought - that's not right. I believe he does love you Pink. But I don't believe he is able to participate in a full and loving R with anyone just now. Not until he has worked through what he needs to work through. And we don't know the timescale for that.
So, this is where the detachment comes in. Making your own plans, having your own friends. Being mistress of your own destiny. Managing your own finances. Planning your own holidays, looking after your boys, being independent and so on.
All of this needn't mean that your H doesn't love you, that he is completely done, or that you are completely done. It just means that conditions aren't such that you can be in a R with him just now. Our sitches are so similar in many ways. I have had a tough time this past week - really tough, and it makes me realise I have more work to do on my own steadiness and detachment.
I started meditating again this week (I had lapsed) and have been revisiting self-help books. I'm realising in my own sitch that things may have to go all the way with H. That he truly has to get to the point where we are all done. And then he may or may not turn back in our direction. I actually feel more hopeful for you because of the family you have together.
But of course, you can't spend your life looking over your shoulder to see what he is doing. Whilst I'm typing this, I received a spreadsheet of figures from H. It looks as though he is very much moving forward with things from his end, and wants to get himself to a point where he is 'free' to start a new family. But he tells me all the time now how much he loves and values me. I'm sure he's told me he loves me half a dozen times in the past few months - go figure!
Anyways my lovely friend, we just need to focus on us and what we can control, and I think you are doing really well. You have helped me a lot on this forum, and I'm so grateful for that. One day I would love to meet you, go for a drive, sing some songs, have a glass of wine and admire your pink outfit!!!
Toots xxxx
Pink - hope you're doing well. Do post an update when you get chance my friend....hope you have a lovely weekend!!
xx
Hi pink.
I'm substantially late to this particular conversation but still want to weigh in if you don't mind.
When I read your last update I read a lot of live there from your H. Sure its not doing him any favours because something else is going on and no it doesn't mean you should be any more tolerant of his nonsense but I think he genuinely loves you still.
However, it also doesn't matter at this point because his anguish is hurting you and so you need to protect yourself which right now means detaching. It seems like you did a good job in setting your boundaries.
I hope everything away from your situation is going well and you're having a lot of fun
Pink
Can we chat about letting go?
Letting to is not letting H drive your emotions, not following H.
Letting go is not indifference it is respect for Pink.
So how do I detach?
This is my method, I see H or listen to him. Then I think myself outside of my body and observe my interaction with WH. I (V) am in the first place, H is in second place and the observation is the fly on the wall (third place). When I am in contact with WH, I move to third position, in other words I watch WH and I interact as if I am the fly on the wall. It removes my reaction.
Pink this takes a little practice, once you do this then you will always be able to be objective (third position) and I believe you would find it useful to do. Start with interactions which don't matter, a shop assistant that is stroppy, a girlfriend talking nonsense etc.
By doing this I remove the emotional content, it neutralises.
I really like your reccent reactions to interaction with WH, I think he is sensing he can't push your buttons any more. You are be moving a woman only a fool would leave.
I agree with Jim, there is a part of WH which still loves Pink. Isn't that inconsistent to say let go?
Absolutely not, Pink by letting go, by letting WH take the consequences of his actions you are encouraging your WH to know that his behaviour has consequences. I remember walking the difficult road with you when you confronted WH at that hotel with TauC. WH has much to do, other than sweet talk and follow you whilst you drive.
So letting go, means H does not have control of Pink, Pink can say to WH 'sweet words mean nothing' pink believes in Actions and only then 50% of them. WH where are the actions which say Pink is beautiful etc.
My IC said to me 'V lies are like rats, for every one you hear there are 50 more".
So it is with WH, sweetest Pink, if you and WH reconcile, WH has much to do.
V
Hi Pink. How's things ? When your ready could we have an update please
Take care. Rd. xx
Hi Pink. What's. Happening ?
Hi Pink. Hope your ok and everything's good with your boys.
Take care. Rd xx
I just got caught up on your thread. We must live very close to each other. I was at the same happy hour with the Brazilian band. There is another Brazilian band there on July 10. Probably saw each other and did not even know it.
Hope you are doing well.
Hi RD, Toots, Vanilla and Jim,
I am sorry I have been out of the boards, have been very busy with work. And when I have a little free time, then I have my GALs.
I what I said sounds really good, busy, busy. but H still finds the way to storm my life.
What I have been doing:
* Kids appointments, my own and errands.
* Bridal shower - with lots of my girlfriends.
* Wedding rehearsal dinner.
* Wedding
* Friday nights with friends, happy hour, samba dance.
* Going for more dancing after samba.
* Zumba class Saturdays morning.
* School.
* Going to the gym whatever I have some time.
* Practicing driving with one of my kids.
* Hiking
* Bicycling
H is saying to me:
* You are a beautiful woman.
* You are a wonderful person, woman.
* I love you a lot, can't stop loving you.
* My future is uncertain, just like any kid's future.
* In 18 years married to you I was never so unhappy as I am right now.
* I see more clear now that I did not value enough, did not respect you enough.
* I see that I react very negative to many things when you were just saying the truth.
* I am going through all this pain because I did this.
* I am responsible for my family's pain.
* I did hurt you and the kids.
* I spent too much time building up my career what by the way is not were I want to be. Now, at the end of my career, I realized that I was not recognized by all what I do for my company.
* I destroyed my marriage, my family for my career and now I have my job but I have nothing.
* I need to go back to God, and build up my way back to be myself again.
* I don't know what to do next, I feel I am healing.
* I am lonely, and the only person that still supports me is you.
* You do not exist.
* My life is a mess.
***And in all of this, he cries, cries, and cry some more.
H says a lot of stuff, but he did not say what is important for our M, our R:
What H did not say:
* I regret what I did and I would like to work in our M.
* I am sorry I am confused, but maybe we hold the D and try to work in our R.
* I love you and I realized that I was happier with you, so lets give a chance.
H says everything around the issue. He says he can see all what he did wrong and I believe he sees what I did wrong. But it is still not enough for him to realize that we can build up our M again. We have been changing, he could at least give it a try.
But no, he does not want it.
What I do when H talks like this:
* On Saturday I said again to him that we have nothing to talk about anymore. That he really needs to leave me alone.
...He does not listen to me, it is like if I said nothing.
* I validate, say that many things could be a different reaction from me.
* I say that I respect his decision and won't be in his way.
* That he will be OK, the pain will go away.
* That he is a very intelligent, capable, hard working man, he is a nice person.
I tough it would be difficult, but I never had any idea of this nightmare. The more distance I put in between us, the more he says all this stuff and cry like a baby.
Sometimes I tough that H was calculating his every move, but right now I am really confused because he really looks like a big mess.
What I need to do:
* Continue with my life, support my children and try to be happy at least once a day.
* Get farther and farther from H. Set up more boundaries and try do not see or talk to him except because the kids when necessary.
* I do not want to feel this pain anymore, I accept that the D is around the corner and it will happen.
* I want H to go, be away from me, never say these things to me and then do nothing to rebuild the M. If he wants to go, then he must go.
I don't know much what to think besides this, I don't know what or how to feel anything anymore. I am exhausted, I am stressed out, I want to let go now because I can't take it no more.
I want some peace in my mind. I have been kind of sick all the time. I think the emotional is making me sick. It's time to let go on my M for good.
I have a three day weekend, so I will try to catch up with every one. I am a sad and I am grieving a big death, but I just want to let go so it does not hurt anymore.
Toots, your analogy makes a lot of sense and as much as it hurts it is always better to see what is really happening.
V, loved the way you explain detachment. During this last interaction with H I was just that, a fly in the wall, nothing more. I think I said maximum 3 words for him.
Jim, if H loves me or not it does not matter anymore. What matters is that he is not saying he wants to work on his M. I am disposable.
RD, my sweetheart RD, I also needed to stop writing to you much because it was getting me confused between reality and virtual fantasy. I am very vulnerable and need to be careful I don't hurt myself in the process of recovering.
At some point you were in my head all the time, much more then H was. But, I do not want to create the drama and fake the process of grieving.
For some reason I do not explain, it is very easy to think about you and smile.
Love to you all and thanks so much for being part of this painful journey. You are all great people, you deserve the best.
Love,
Pink
Hi Pink. Firstly I think H is starting to come out of MLC He may not have said the right words but I think the intent is there to see I believe you have to continue to detach and live your own life At the same time your H needs you , that's very clear. Detachment will take time and D means nothing in our lives but a piece of paper.
In your post I see you still love H and I would be amazed if you didn't as your a loving person and you can't just turn that off
Give your self time to let all these feeling settle
2nd You have been a huge support to me and I often re read your posts to me as you have a way of bringing me back to the real world and letting me see that being there for EXW sometimes is the right thing to do. I understand you have enough issues with H that you don't need any further complications with an online poster that you have fallen in love with !!!!!!!
I will stop posting on your thread until my humble opinion is asked for Please know I am but a post away if you need to chat
Take extra care of the boys and yourself. Rd
Pink - good to hear from you. I've been thinking about you and missing your posts. Sounds like you have been busy with some nice things my friend..
Your H certainly sounds somewhat regretful and I think there's quite a lot of self-pity in there too. Who knows whether he's emerging from MLC? I read somewhere that if there's OW still on the scene, the replay phase is still ongoing. But I'm no expert.
As you say Pink, H says many things - but there are important things he doesn't say or do - and so it is best to keep moving forward yourself until or unless something significant changes.
The thing that worried me is how tired and sick you say you feel. Your health and the welbeing of your family are the most important things here. So if you need to take some time to recharge - please do it. This is a tough time and our sitches use up so much energy. It's important to remember that there is a whole life out there waiting to be lived. And what our H's may or may not be doing is just a tiny part of that.
Take care xx
As you say Pink, H says many things - but there are important things he doesn't say or do - and so it is best to keep moving forward yourself until or unless something significant changes.
Hi Pink,
Wow, you have so much going on. It doesn't surprise me that you haven't had time to post. I'm sure all on this forum understand.
What our dear friend Toots said above really makes sense to me.
Try to take care of yourself.
Your friend,
Bob
Hi RD,
Please, understand that what I said about getting mixed up because my online friend is not a reason to stop communicating with you.
You are a strong and very lovely man that has been helping me a lot during this difficult time in my life.
I do not want to stop writing to you or getting your advices and well wishes. It keeps me going, it strengthen my soul.
You may be surprised but one of the things I really love about you, is the fact that you a holding your household together, that you are very responsible with your children and put yourself second when it comes to them.
It shows me that instead of weak, you are very, very strong and you care. You are enduring a lot of pain and a hard time, and still find the strength to care.
I don't know what life holds for us all in the future, but like Toots says (and I agree with Toots!) that M and H is just one part of our big life. We have a lot of life ahead of us. A lot to live for and a lot to find, explore, enjoy.
You will always be my sweetheart, a smile in my face.
Love,
Pink
Hi BW,
That's really amazing that we were in the same place. I will probably be there on 7/10, I just need to find out what are the board rules about giving info out to meet other members.
It sure would be nice to meet someone with similar issues and share some of the burden of trying to survive the D.
Which band do you like best? I like Ginga better, they play a more samba rhythm, the Sambadende is more like Bahia bit, the Olodum stuff. I like it but not all the time.
Well, lets see what happens!
Pink
Hi Toots, my dearest sister,
We are still alive and moving, don't we. After almost a year and life is moving forward, we are finding our way to this new life.
And again I agree with Toots, H is in his whole world of self pity and still does not see anything.
It's still about him. I doubt at first about the whole MLC stuff, but the way H is talking lately, it made me believe he is going through some bad stuff.
The depression is obvious and he is deep into it. I really wish he hits rock bottom. Maybe it will be the only way for the crazy head to get some professional help.
Even if he does not come back, he is still the father of my kids, and I wish I can see him strong again, believing in himself. A person in one piece.
Thanks Toots, for all your kind words and the call for reality along with lines of hope.
I wish I could understand what goes in H's head, I know well I need to detach and be "the fly on the wall", but sometimes it just bothers me to think that he comes and says all these stuff, always talking about our M, R and yet he is letting this D happen.
Well, it's not what I should be thinking or wasting my time with. So, that's what I am going to do, think about the nice dress I want to buy this weekend, so I can shine on 7/9 when meeting H for mediation.
Sometimes, I can picture us being some power puff girls.
Love,
Pink
So it's time for Mediation... and I confess that I am trying to be strong, but find myself very down these days.
I even wonder why after so long time of separation, I feel so miserable and upset. There are time I even want this to be all resolved and done.
These are times where I find myself confronting all my demons, my wounds, fears. I have a lot of work to do yet until becoming a better person. I need to face rejection, betrayal, inferiority... these are all alive and eating me inside.
I will try my best to maintain my cool and do not fall apart in a million pieces, but I can't deny that it is the way I feel right now.
The only thing that makes me feel better is to think that the D is around the corner and there will be some closure to this whole nightmare.
H is still the same, last weekend asking for some social security numbers, info about our marriage, then had problems with his bank card and did not call the bank, called his secretary, text about his time with his dad, and so on.
I still don't get why to get me involved in his life, it is very mean and does not have any purpose. I get that I will never understand the "Whys" of what he is doing all this. I am very dark and going darker. The closer we get to our big D day, the more I want to be far away from him.
It is time, I am getting ready to cut him off my life once for all and for my own good. Maybe I should see all this in a different way, but detaching for me means really no contact and that is what is my goal.
I feel overwhelmed, tired, hopeless... never tough that this would be so painful as it is. The worse is that I don't even know if I love my H or not anymore. It is all so mixed up in my head and heart. It's love and hate all together.
So my friends, Thursday morning at 9am I will be in a mediation meeting and then the next step is probably to just meet the judge for the final decision and sign the D.
What a journey!
Pink
Hello Sweetie, I'm sorry you are finding things so tough just now. It's not easy having a mediation meeting just around the corner. But I think the main thing is to get through it and be the person you want to be. Zues posted about his mediation session recently if it would help to read about someone who just went through that...
I think you are showing a lot of courage Pink. You are finding things hard, but you are still facing them and getting through things. We all know that there isn't any other way than through - but, boy it's hard sometimes.
As for the D, I can understand your comment about closure. Maybe it will help you. There will be some grief too I imagine, but you will work through that too as you have worked through everything else. Cali posted on my thread that sometimes sitches just have to go all the way through to D before a S will start to wake up and face what they have done to their lives.
It sounds as though we are in a similar place in that I'm also not sure that I would actually want to be with H again. But I guess that's a moot point right now!! So, it isn't an easy week for you - but there have been worse weeks already and you will get through this one. Take it steady, take care of yourself and keep posting to let us know how things go. I will be thinking of you on Thursday my friend.
Love and best wishes, Toots xxx
Hi Toots,
It has been a tough week for sure. There are so much that come to my mind. The time it all started, how things unfolded from there, the moment you had the kids, those times when we argue, those when we laughed together.
It's all a big mix. It's all so hopeless. I wish I could have some hope and keep the family together, but there is a lot of crying what translate only in self pity.
There is no sign H wants to come back, wants to keep this family together. I must detach and let it go. It's time to walk my own path. I just hope to feel better want it is all done, because right now, as much as I want to see things brighter, I can't.
I am thankful though I found this site and learned more in this last few months then I ever learned in my life time. I changed and I am changing, I can feel it and my friends are telling me that too.
H probably do not see it, he is too busy being a victim, feeling sorry for himself. This is not the man I married.
Haven't been doing much. Just work, all the stuff for the Mediation, the kids and just keeping life moving, is keeping me very busy right now. Never tough something would shut me down so severely, but it has, this one event is very heavy.
Hope everyone will have a better day today!
Pink
Pink,
I am still planning to be at happy hr/Brazilian Band on Friday. Not sure if it is breaking forum rules or not, but I don't see the harm. Come out and have some fun. Sounds like you need it this week. I am will be there with a group, so you can meet some others too.
BW
Hi BW05.
It sounds good, I am thinking about going there. I hope I will feel better by Friday.
Today I am a mess. Just an emotional wreck.
Dancing is something that makes me happy, it somehow cleanse my soul of all the hurts and pain, so it might be good to relax a little bit.
Besides, I have a chance to meet with you and some of your friends and you can meet some of my friends too. Let's see how that goes.
Have a good raining day! Seems we are living a week in London now. Love the few grey days in Colorado.
Pink
Hi Pink,
Sorry things are getting to you at the moment. Its understandable.
Some people are just able to move on and that seems great for them (Someone i know, his W left at christmas for OM, that's now over but he has a new GF and he and his W still go to the pub together all the time - I have no clue how they do that). For others there is too much loss for it to be so easy but that shows how much love was and still is there.
you seem like someone who is full of love for your family, for your H and for life in general and that is a really, really good thing even if it feels properly rubbish right now.
Your H is in a hole, and he may still be sinking deeper into it. At the moment he is not trying to climb out which means anyone who tries to pull him out is as likely to get pulled in. instead you've either got to walk away or build a good life next to (but not at the edge of) the hole. when/if he eventually climbs out he will either see you have gone or see the life you've built but either way things will be good for Pink and her boys.
Go Dance, you'll have fun and almost nothing does more to lift mood than fun.
have a good evening
Hi Pink. Just to let you know I'll be thinking of you tomorrow. Calm and ciollected
This is just another step. Nothing will change tomorrow re the sitch Please post and let us know how the mediation went
Take care. Rd. xxxx
Just catching up on your sitch now and I want to say I think you are a strong woman, and I will be thinking about you tomorrow.
Hi Pink,
I just wanted to stop by and say that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I have not forgotten about you! I truly hope this roller coaster ride ends for you soon. I think you are a very strong woman.
Please keep a PMA and keep moving forward. We all care about you so much and have your back. God's blessings to you.
Your friend,
Bob xoxo
Wanted to offer a mega big
Hug
V
Hello lovely Pink. I just wanted to say good luck for today. I will be thinking of you, and I hope it all goes as well as these things can. Take care of yourself, and get through as best you can. You are going to be just fine.
Let us know how things go my friend. xxx
((((((((((((((((((((Pink))))))))))))))))))))) Extra large British hugs to you....x
Pink, how did things go with the mediation my friend? I've been thinking of you xx
Thank you so much Jim, RD, Toots, Vanilla, BW05, Photoka and Bob for all your hugs and kind words. I really appreciated and the truth is that I really need it.
It's done, we have a D agreement finalized in one day. Hooray!
It was yet the most difficult event in my entire life, and I had many to cry about. At first the mediator placed us in different rooms in order to get us situated in priorities and so.
He talked to my lawyer and I and then went to talk to my H, came back and said that he would like to understand better because I told him that my H asked for the D and H said that I want the D.
I told why I put the D papers, Mediator goes to talk to my H and come back. Said to my lawyer that we need to get things straight because "these folks wants to divorce but she is crying over here saying he wants it and he is crying over there saying she wants it, and we are going nowhere with this"
So, they put us face to face and then H said that he loves me with all his heart and won't stop loving me ever, but he thinks that our M is done, that we won't be able to rescue or work on it anymore.
I said so be it and we started. H is broken, he gave me everything. Today I should be happy because things worked well for me and the kids and we won't be in harms way.
Instead, I feel really sad because he put himself in this situation. He agreed on everything, he even paid for stuff he did not need to.
I don't know what to think about, besides seeing a sick person that is totally lost and do not care about himself anymore. He is a self destructive way. If I tried to see it different, then I need to say that H has a diabolic plan and is hiding stuff no one can find. Who knows, but I don't think it is the case here, so we will see.
I probably did not DBing the whole time. I was looking nice, and he made a point to tell me that several times, I was looking strong and decisive. But at some point I burst into tears, there was too much emotions involved. A few times a asked for a break because it was overwhelming to hear how much he loves me and care about me.
My lawyer and the Mediator said that in 20years they tough they saw it all, but this was the first time they work with folks that are saying they love each other, they agree in all the stuff, they cry the whole time and yet they are working on their divorce.
I don't know anything today. I am a big mess, my emotions are all over the place. One thing I know is that now will be time for me to think only about myself and my kids.
We are done, our M is over. In a week or two we will sign the D decree and then it will be official. Because we resolved everything in the settlement, we won't need to go to court, so it is all done.
I need to turn the page, I am giving until sunday to talk about H with my friends because they want to know what happen. I decided that after sunday I will talk about H only here in this board.
I don't know what will happen next, I don't know if we are done, I don't know when I will be done with all this, I don't know if he will ever get better or at least get some professional help, I don't know if I will be surprised with some crazy news and learn why he did all this. I just don't know anything.
The only think I know for sure is that in some ways I feel resolved, I feel I have a clean road and need to make the most to walk it in peace.
Maybe now I will have the strength to work in what is important for me and for my kids.
Friends, I did not busted my divorce, but I am not dead and I will follow my path whatever it takes me... it is a new journey.
Love you all
Grieving today.
Pink
Pink, I'm sorry to hear that, and glad all at the same time. Sorry because it is a sad situation when two people love eachother as you clearly do. Glad because at least the financials will be resolved and you can control your own destiny. It is also nice that he didn't challenge the financials and actually helped a little more than he needed to.
Of course you must need some time to grieve. It is such a hard thing to go through, and your M will come to an end now. What that means for your future relationship is unknown at the moment, but I think for you there will be some peace as you truly did all that you could to save the M.
Only you know what you want to do now Pink. Whether you want to truly move on, or leave the door not quite closed is completely up to you. The fat lady has not sung until or unless you decide she has. Who knows, being D may remove all pressure enough that some reconnection may be possible?
For now, do take care of yourself. You did your best and you got through it - that's the main thing. Love and hugs to you, Toots xx
Indeed it's a hard time, had a good cry last night. But also had my three boys right beside me, checking on me time to time, telling me that they will do their best so my life will be happy again.
Sometimes a bad thing happen to just uncover a lot of good ones.
I promise to talk about H until sunday, friends are checking on me and asking questions, family...
After sunday I will start avoiding talking about him with anyone, the only place I will vent will be here, because you guys understand what it means when you are not quite yet ready to end you M.
I will move forward, things got to this point were we now are basically divorced, so not much left. But since he is a mess, I will probably move to the MLC crisis.
There were times when I tough that MLC was just an excuse to be irresponsible and crazy, but seeing my H behaving so upside down, I started thinking that this stuff is for real.
There is no explanation for what happen yesterday, as well as a lot of his behavior during the last year. I am actually concerned about him. All this crying is not normal and I think that things will get much worse before they get better.
I am very sad today and I know H is not my business, but I am sad not because of myself or the D, what makes very sad is to see what he is doing, how he does not care and is destroying himself and everything he built up till now.
Well, did not cry today, and will try to make the best of the weekend.
Hope you are well Toots,
Pink
Pink
I really feel sad for you.
If WH ever emerges from his fog then you are in the position of being able to be generous. Your WH is travelling light now and with a heavy baggage.
If WH thinks by being generous he will ease his load he won't. He carries his damaged self around with him.
Pink, you and your boys are safe.
Breathe
V
Thanks V, you are very wise. There is two ways to look at what happen.
1st - H has a plan very well done and it will all unfold soon. Like a new job with a better pay, moving somewhere far away, or who knows what.
2nd - H is so depressed and so gone from his normal being that he is in deep fog, feels very guilty, loves with all his heart as he says and does not want me to suffer. He is in a deep hole.
The H I knew from our 18 years together fits more with the 2nd option, but I am not very sure anymore. People change.
It was an awkward Moderation, no fights, no denials, no complaining. Just two people trying to detangle from many years together, with lots of pain, crying most of the time, H saying over and over that he loves me, will always love me.
My lawyer said that after 20years of practice he tough he had seen it all, but he was never in a divorce full of love, compassion, passion, courtesy.
I really don't know what will happen, but I need to take him from my heart as best as I can. I feel that we still have ways to go, and things could turn around, but in the same time I do not want to get stock in this mental hope.
I need to move forward and find a way to get use to my new single life. I don't know how to move on just yet, my heart still misses him (at least when I am not dreaming about RD).
I know I will, with time everything will land in it's place, I just need to be patient with myself.
Always love your words, they always help me a lot.
You are a beautiful person.
Pink
Pink
The healing will take time, give yourself that time.
Gentleness to you and your boys.
V
Im sorry to hear Pink...i can only imagine how difficult it was for you. Thinking about you.
T it so good to hear from you, my lovely military man.
I have been very selfish these days, and time have been slipping through my live with sorrow. I have been checking in other peoples threads.
I have a plan of getting things in place this weekend and start having a more normal life without so much affliction, it will take time since I have the kids.
I know, they are teenagers, big boys that can do a lot for themselves, but I can see and feel that they are grieving too.
My kids do not want to go out and about and have some fun. They are most of the time very close to each other and as much as they can to me. It is their way to cope with what is finally happening and I will respect that.
I see that it is just the human animal instinct, hold together until the danger is not on the horizon. It's actually beautiful to see that instincts work better then reason.
Since your are here yet I can guess that you are in the same situation as before so as soon as I can I will visit your thread to see if I can offer some comfort.
I am not feeling too bad today, I actually feel a little better because at least I have some closure with my financial situation now.
Life has yet a lot to offer and I feel I want to face the new challenges and this new path I am walking. That chapter is almost done and the new one has to be written and I am the one to make it prettier.
I am finding myself, I know it will take some time to be the person I want to be, but I think I can get there with grace. My faith has been tested and I am still walking with God and with my heart closer to him then ever before.
Maturity is hitting me, I feel like finally I am able to set the crazy aside and think about things with care and regard. Something new for me since I was always very adventurous and never afraid of anything that would come my way.
So, some trials in our lives come to teach us a little more, to show how much strength we have and how much resilience we can have.
The most important change for me is that I have learned a lot about love. There are books, people teaching and talking about it, movies and much more. But the real lesson came from the biggest pain in my life yet.
I learned to let someone free because I love this person, I felt in my bones, flash and my heart what it is to let go when you want the opposite. It's very hard, but it makes you grow into a beautiful person. One that can put aside all the ugly in life and simply wish the best to someone else.
I feel good because I am doing this. Throughout this time I have been a friend to my XH, I support his decision and validate his reason, I loved him till the end and for that sole reason I did respect what he wants. It makes me happy to be able to ignore my selfishness and just give.
I am better, and I will become even better because I learned a lot in this forum. I am so thankful I found this place where I can share my deepest feelings, fears, secrets, pain and so much more, without boundaries.
I am so thankful to all the folks that came to my rescue and gave me good advice and strength my courage to become a better me.
Life goes on, and I will be happy again because instead of losing myself, I found a beautiful person inside of me.
Love to you T, and to all that is reading my words. Believe that life is much more then our R, M, D.
Cira
Hi Pink, just checking in to see how you are doing today? I hope you managed to have a reasonable weekend, despite a difficult week last week.
I think you are doing so well, and I wish peace, harmony and joy for you....
Do post when you get chance and let us know how you are doing.
Toots xx
Hi Toots,
I am not doing so well. I have been busy, organizing some paperwork. Trying to get things ready to detangle my life from H's life. I also packed some of his stuff already.
But it all very painful. Have been crying sometimes. It's hard to face with the fact that your long marriage is over.
Unfortunately, I need to face it and finally move on. I don't know if I did all what I could. But I also understand that my H was very decided to end the M.
I just wish I could open my heart and take out everything I still feel for him.
I guess one day it will be gone or at least will be easier.
I am not depressed, nervous. I am sad. And I need to deal with the rejection, betrayal. This is being very hard to deal with.
I did not hear from H since last thursday, maybe its better. It is just the way it should be from now on.
I am sad he did not talk to the kids or see them for three weeks already
It's ashame he does not care much for them. I wish he would be a little more caring and worry with the fact that they are too going through this hard time.
But it's his choice and I can not control it. It all on him now.
O don't know what to do next time I need to talk with him. And there will be plenty in the next few days since we need to close accounts, get some stuff in my name or his.
Part of me just want to let go and then what do I care. But part of me wants to continue trying to DB. So, I don't know what to do now.
I feel that the right thing to do is to think and accept it's done forever and he won't come back ever.
I need time to let go. The grieving is very painful and deep.
Hope you are doing well.
I am missing RD.
Pink
Hi Pink. Just catching up Wow. That meeting sounds like a real heart wrencher, I am so sorry your H is such a jackass at the moment. Stupid man He's is going to regret this so much.
You are worth so much more than this and you will get so much more in the future. H is lost and there is nothing you can do.
Pink , cuddle those boys of yours , it's an incredibly tough time for you all but you have each other Those boys need their mum and they are so lucky to have a mum like you. Stand strong but don't be afraid to ask for help from them. Your their mum and the most special person in their lives Your their rock and that's tough for you right now but you have the strength to do this
I wish I could give you a big hug and tell you face to face that this will be ok I truly believe it will. Your H is a mess right now and it's only time until he realises what he's losing
This is a time for you to take stock , get yourself together and look to what you have and not what you don't have From you posts it's clear you love H and are torn by what's happening This isn't the end It's not the end until Pink decides it is and you shouldn't make any choices while this is all still so fresh
You talk of love and will you ever love again and you will but slow down ,'deal with the cr@p you have to and let all your feelings settle. You have a long and happy life ahead of you and it starts today.
You are a caring , passionate , loving , fun , exciting person and NONE of that has changed Yes your heart is hurt and you are dealing with a terrible time BUT your Pink !!!!! Pink CAN handle this and come out stronger.
Cira , your my friend and I think the world of you , when you post I can't wait to see what youve been upto or I hope to read a story from your past. Pink brings joy to my life and like I said to Toots , I envy the man you choose to have in your life next and I truly hope that your H emerges from the fog before he loses your love
I'm at work at the moment and I have a few meetings this afternoon so I will check in later to see how you are.
Lots of hugs and kisses and please believe me when I tell you that we will take that bike ride across Glendalough and sit down to dinner and talk of how we are lucky to have got through our younger years , riding bikes the way we did !!!!!!
take extra care and think positive , it's tough now but you have some much happiness ahead of you. Rd. xxxx
Hi RD, it made me feel much better reading your words. You are really kind to me and gives me a so much needed encouragement that I feel lacking at the present moment.
Yes, I am thinking to start saving towards my ticket to Ireland, it could be a good vacation plan since I never been there before and it can be a good vacation if I can chat and ride a bike with you.
I enjoy and respect your friendship, I know it has been hard for you too and that we both have similar situation with our kids. It's yet something out of this world to meet you here and have so much support and comfort on you. Thanks so much!!!
So, XH sent a text after a few days of silence:
"Dear Cira - I was thinking to arrange some time this week to speak with our sons about our divorce arrangements. Have you already talked about, or would you prefer to wait until the court finalizes everything?"
I spoke with the boys and sent an answer:
"I'll be busy the rest of the week. If it works for you, the boys and I will meet with you @ place and time. Please, let me know."
Yes RD, it's unfortunately but I still love this man. I don't even know if it is love, or it is the wound that is inside of me. There is good and bad all mixed up right now. I guess it is normal until I detach totally from this monster.
And I will. I am meeting with my IC today and will meet next week too. I feel I need I the help I can get to collect myself and be in one piece in a few weeks.
I don't feel bad tough, I feel pretty determined in what I need to do to get myself going. The details will be something to work on, but I know what I want for now. At least my life is not suspended in some idiot hope.
When you have a chance, try to update us on how your W is doing after sometime on ADs. Maybe things are getting a tiny bit better by now.
You have no idea how much you help me RD, you are my guard angel throughout this Tsunami.
Lots of hugs and kisses to you and to your kiddos.
Love,
Cira
Hi Pink,
Sorry you have been having a hard week. I am so sorry your H has not come to his senses. Sounds like he is living in fear versus walking toward it. I guess we all have a little bit of that going on.
Try to fit in some time for GAL right now. This is when you need it most, but hardest time to motivate. I have been having down week too.
BW
Hi BW,
Sorry I did not show up at the Brazilian dance last week. Was just too much and I was not in a mood to be dancing.
I am planning to be there this Friday with some girlfriends. You are very right to say that we need some GAL right now.
Besides it will the be "Ginga Band" and they play more of the samba I like then the other "SambaDende". Hope we will have the chance to chat a little bit, it would be nice to talk to someone that believe in the same marriage stuff I do.
My friends are all saying to me that my XH is not worth my burp much less my love. So you can image how it goes.
Hugs,
Pink
Updating...
Kids and I met XH at a restaurant so XH could explain to the kids the whole D arrangements.
As we got there XH was waiting, smiling and very polite. I just said Hi, not in a mood for smiles.
XH gave a speech that he understands how everyone is very sad, and suffering for what happen. That he will be always present in the kids life, blah, blah, blah. Just like the three weeks that the kids did not hear from him. And he said that he will always be in contact with "mum" for whatever comes up.
I mention that we have arranged that the kids will spend some time with him on two weekends every month and hang out with him two nights during the week. He then explained that right now he does not have a place and that he is working on that. Then he had tears.
No one cried, just H feeling all miserable. I also mention that he made a point to pay part of the kids cell phones only if they will answer his texts and his messages. XH did not like much my comment, but wth?, he did this and now wants to hide it under the rug.
I did not want to have any dinner and asked if he was done with his explanations. He said he was done and asked if I was leaving. I said I had other things to do and he could drop off the kids at the house. He then said that he did not have cash or cards on him. Really?
XH said that he could not pay the bill if I left, then I said I would pay what they ordered and leave, he said he did not know if they would order desserts. Really?
So I sat there drinking water and feeling really uncomfortable. XH kept looking at me and trying to talk to me.
He asked my opinion about renting a mail box for his mail for awhile... I just looked at him and said that it was not my business, that he can do whatever he wants.
I did my best do not explode on his face, but it is asking too much to be all friendly when he just divorced me. Time will go by and things will get easier, but right now he is the last one in my list.
And besides, I do not get it. Why he is always feeling OK to be beside me? Ahg, I am kind of getting disgusted about this.
I am just venting, XH is more a pain then any other thing now.
Hugs,
Pink
Hi Pink. I posted to your this mornng but for some reason it did not post
You handled that letting with H really well He has to see what he is losing.
My post this morning was just to take your time and put this sitch as far from your mind as often as you can even if that's for 30 seconds every 10 mins I didn't know when I posted that you were meeting H today.
This is all very raw and please don't over think anything for a few days. You must be very stressed so I won't go on but please stay positive This is a very tough time but it will pass.
Take care of yourself and your boys Pink I'm updating my thread soon and maybe it would take your mind off your sitch for a few mins if you could read it and offer your thoughts.
Rd. Xxxx
Hi BW,
Sorry I did not show up at the Brazilian dance last week. Was just too much and I was not in a mood to be dancing.
I am planning to be there this Friday with some girlfriends. You are very right to say that we need some GAL right now.
Besides it will the be "Ginga Band" and they play more of the samba I like then the other "SambaDende". Hope we will have the chance to chat a little bit, it would be nice to talk to someone that believe in the same marriage stuff I do.
My friends are all saying to me that my XH is not worth my burp much less my love. So you can image how it goes.
Hugs,
Pink
Hi Pink,
I did not end up going either. Not sure what is up, but I have been in a funk since last Thursday, finally starting to peek out of it today.
I know what you mean about friends. I started to jump on their bandwagon this past week, so maybe that combined with funk = bad DB work.
I will let you know Friday if I will show up. I am going out tonight, tomorrow and Saturday, so Friday night too might be a bit much. We will see. Otherwise maybe something next week. Do you live in Boulder or outside?
Regarding your meeting with XH....wow. He could not even bother to show up with $$? Geez.. It sounded like you held you own. Good on you!!
BW.
Hello Pink. I think you handled that crazy dinner with XH as well as could be expected. Isn't it something how consistently crazy unapologetically inconsiderate the WAS can be? Came to dinner with you and no cards or money? Wow! Mine wanted me to drive S12 to a summer camp she signed up for him everyday while she left on a trip she would not tell me about. Had the nerve to try to guilt me when I said no and then acted like I didn't say no. Amazing. Keep on dancing and keeping yours in check.
Pink
Crazy? No cards? I know this sounds tough but WH went in the expectation you would pay, he planned it,. Then to say dessert?
Quite extraordinary. So very manipulative to make you sit there, can I recommend you google passive master by Al Turtle? It was an original theory by Frued (one of his better ones in my view) and developed by Weiss but no one explains it better than Al. It is how there is 'back' control. my WH was a master at this one! Apologies I didn't spot it before and I have reread some posts and it appears a few times.
If you had been V, you would have paid your part (one glass water plus tip) and walked away, but I guess if my kids had been there I would have paid too. Be forewarned if there is ever a cost to share in future, make sure WH has his wallet open, and keep a list so if you ever owe him cash it can be deducted.
V
Pink fat finger, I posted too early
There is also a sense with Passive Mastery that the passive master is using back control is trying to achieve dependency (like as iif WH becoming childlike and vulnerable in a psychological not physical sense) so they can be looked after. Can happen in therapy where Frued first observed it where the client reworks early trauma with the therapist. I found this fascinating when I read about it.
V
Hi Pink. Just checking in to see how you are Hope your having a good day.
Take care. Rd. Xxxx
Pink - I hope this post doesn't lock your thread!!
Weird story about the dinner. Extend the invite and then arrive without cash or cards?? I wonder if he just wanted you to stay really - odd though..
Sounds like you are doing pretty well - even though it is a tough time for you. I'm thinking of you and sending my best wishes and a big hug...
((((((Pink)))))))
Morning Pink,
I don't think I've ever arranged dinner out without intending to pay. To my mind your H is either:
A) unbelievably messed up to the point where I question how he looks after himself;
B) incredibly manipulative and deceitful; or
C) desperately, desperately sad.
Does he see an IC at all?
I like to think that if I were in your circumstances I would have left the meal anyway (leaving some money with one of the boys or agreeing to sort it out with them later) or better yet asked H to leave since he couldn't contribute.
Anyway, hope you're feeling OK today
Hi Pink. Hope all ok
Take care. Rd. Xx
Thank you so much for all of you my best friends, for checking on me.
Last few days have been tough, something I expected but did not know how it would play out.
There are moments of pure work, busy. There are moments of joy, just feeling good and confident and then there are moments of sadness. And my IC said it is just normal.
Just to clarify the money issue. H is basically paying for everything all the time. He is even paying my lawyer. He makes (or use to make before alimony and child support) a lot more then what I make. I work part time yet, my salary comparing to his is just a tip.
I think that V is right on the money. It was manipulative. In 18 years together, this was the first time I hear that he did not have cash or cards on him. Of course I did not check his pockets.
It was cheap, and manipulative and I knew it. Maybe he did this because he does not have any control over what I do now. Maybe because he was insecure to stay with the kids by himself since he just D their mother.
Why he did this? I can always be guessing or I can let go because since the beginning I want to understand why, keep thinking that he has a reason to keep me close. But is still moving forward with the D.
So, there is no Why anymore. H is an adult that made his choice and I do not need to care at all about his reasons. All what I need to do right now is to endure this hard time that we still need to resolve many things. And start dealing with my own destiny.
That he will come back? IDK...That he will regret it? IDK... That he is in any fog? IDK... and because IDK anything about him or what he thinks, I just need to let go, let go, let go.
I am OK and I believe I will feel better, I just need time.
Love,
Pink
Your sounding really strong Pink
Well done. Take care. Rd. xxxx
Pink,
You may want to think about starting a new thread. Cadet will be along soon and advise you to do so.
New thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2589737#Post2589737