Well it looks like W will be wallowing in her own misery today. She's still asleep. D2 and I have been up for a couple hours. Last night must have been another mood swing/attempt to test me. Not sure if she's serious about leaving om or not at this point.
I'll wait for her to "talk".
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2570128#Post2570128
Well it looks like W will be wallowing in her own misery today.
That is part of the script - nothing you can do to FIX her.
Last night must have been another mood swing/attempt to test me. Not sure if she's serious about leaving om or not at this point.
I'll wait for her to "talk".
Yes it is possible.
No matter what happens it will TEST you.
Go out and do something with D2 maybe.
Just got a call from an old high school buddy. He needs a golf partner today. Perfect timing.
W will be with D2.
Glad I get to get away for awhile.
Nice mate. I played yesterday after about 3 years. It's always that first tee shot. Hit that one sweet and the rest of the game is always ok, no matter how over par you are. It's all in the hips you know.
I feel like I'm all over the Board here. What a rollercoaster!
To recap, W came home Friday night and said that she ended her EA "I reversed what I never should have done in the first place". She was kind of cute and flirty with me after that.
This then progressed back to her getting angry, quiet, depressed, "confused", and let to her trying to talk to me last night, and then me just getting angry and confused.
Then another blow up this morning with the two of us basically saying we didn't care anymore and were both so lost and confused. Then apologies, and a hug before leaving for work.
TEXTS from today:
W - "I'm just not sure how I feel about all of this"
W - "I think this is a rough time for both of us"
Me - "Well, let's just take it slow, and take time to listen to each other, and work through it"
W - "Yeah...I guess we'll have to see"
Me - "I'm just so confused right now"
W - "So am I" "We'll talk more later tonight"
Help Please. Not sure which direction to go, or what to do, or how to act from here...
Thanks everyone!
This then progressed back to her getting angry, quiet, depressed, "confused", and let to her trying to talk to me last night, and then me just getting angry and confused.
Why are YOU getting angry?
What she is going through is almost script.
You need to stay detached and listen, validate and maintain boundaries.
Your marriage didn't fail in a second and is not going to be fixed overnight either.
The real hard work is going to come now, either you are up for it or you will fail again.
What do you want?
I'm up for it. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to screw this up. She's giving me such mixed signals.
W came home tonight, walked in the door and acted like it's old times. A loud Hello, big hug, brought dinner...I dont get this. Anyway, I'm staying as low key and focused as I can.
Reread DR sections on validating and infidelity. I love the wife that shows up occasionally. Just wish it was more often. The zombie/possessed wife is no fun and messes with my mind.
remember to reflect at 80%. no more. she needs to win you back. if you don't place a high value on you why would she?
Thanks Bravo. It's certainly the challenge of a lifetime. Have a great day.
Thank you Cadet! These are some very useful links from what I've read so far. This is definitely a very touchy "stage" where this can go either way.
The most difficult part for me (and more so for her actually) is that she works very closely with OM. I'm afraid that even though she may be committed to this, that he will continue to pursue and draw her back. Her quitting this job is not an option at this point. It pays very well and is exactly the right job for her. It's unfortunate that she's clouded it with this EA. (I'm still believing her that it has not been sexual to this point.)
Thank you Cadet! These are some very useful links from what I've read so far. This is definitely a very touchy "stage" where this can go either way.
The most difficult part for me (and more so for her actually) is that she works very closely with OM. I'm afraid that even though she may be committed to this, that he will continue to pursue and draw her back. Her quitting this job is not an option at this point. It pays very well and is exactly the right job for her. It's unfortunate that she's clouded it with this EA. (I'm still believing her that it has not been sexual to this point.)
Yes and you will need complete transparency from her or you are not interested(IMHO), you will trust ACTIONS not words too.
I'm apparently in some kind of weird limbo/holding pattern right now. W seems to be acting much more cordial lately. She is still keeping some emotional distance, but has started actually talking to me about things other than R, she has started doing little touchy-feely things like rubbing against me, or holding my hand. More of a tease I guess.
I'm not going to fall into the trap of trying to talk about US. I'm just going about my day. But I'm not completely DETACHED anymore per se.
Its a very strange place where I am right now. I'm glad she's being civil, but I want so bad to start talking about US, and if she's willing to work on it, or go to MC with me.
But I'm too afraid to bring it up right now. I still feel sick to my stomach - most likely because of the OM and that being unresolved at the moment.
When is the appropriate time to bring up some R things, and if she's willing to go to MC? Ever?, or do I wait for her to propose it? I'm so lost right now.
Ralphy,
Don't be too available to W. If she initiates affection, I'd pull back. If she ha this look on her face and questions you, you can calmly say "it's not that simple any more as you've really hurt me deeply with OM and I am going to need confirmation from you that he is completely out of the picture."
If she says, "what do you mean/what are you saying here?"
Then you inform her that you require a transparency plan from her in order to earn your trust and repair the damage to the M. Tell her that it entails the following:
-Writing a no-contact letter to OM to be approved by you before ending it to him and bcc you
-Unfettered access to her emil count and smartphone when requested by you
-All contact with OM needs to be communicated with you
It is critically important that you don't blow up when W tells you of any contact with OM as you want her to open up to you and you thank her for her honesty.
Lose that fear and reclaim your cojones.
You need to be sure that W works her way to you and not take her back too easily.
Just dropping in to say hello to everyone. I hope you are finding peace through the storm today. I've been keeping in mind about being the lighthouse. Its such a great analogy.
I feel rather alone today. W and I are drifting apart further emotionally. We have not been fighting though, which is very nice. I actually thanked her last night for being pleasant to me. (Sad that I felt that was necessary).
Today, she seemed more withdrawn when I left. It's been a continuous roller coaster with her, but it seems like the highs aren't as high, and the lows aren't as low anymore. Again, just kind of existing at this point.
Not sure how long this limbo will continue, but I've decided that I am up for the challenge and hope that she continues to stay away from OM, but I'm realistic that she won't. I expect that they are still seeing each other in a romantic way, or, if not, will end up back together very soon.
I'm back to feeling sorry for myself, so I need to just focus on PMA and GAL.
PMA has been difficult for me. I think I'm too humble around her, too soft-spoken. I'm trying to be accommodating, and it's probably coming across as weakness.
I need to find a balance, and make sure that I have PMA around her at all times without appearing fake. Hard to do when you're devastated internally.
Hi ralf.
Sorry you feel down. We all feel that sometimes. It's ok as this isn't a good situation so feeling good is difficult. I often wonder when people post about PMA how? How do you do that when your world has just collapsed? IDK but fake it till you make it seems to be the way. But sometimes I just wanna feel like sh!t.
Today though isn't that day. I feel fine. My sitch is pretty bad as you know but do you know what? I am just fine. A OK. Not a problem. I can't say why I feel like this. I think the confrontation with the WW the other night has made me feel empowered. Growing a pair. So yea. She hates me. So what! She fired me as her H. Why should I worry if she's upset. GB was so right when he said I'm not operating from a position of fear any more. perhaps that's were you need to be?
Give it a try.
Well, it's been a whirlwind few days. Awesome time out with W on Friday. Felt like old times. Then I did a stupid thing and checked the phone records. Lots of calls to OM this weekend. Confronted her this morning. We didn't yell or anything, but at the end, we (she) decided we need to separate. It's her house (everything in her name) so I'm packing up some things and going to my parents house tonight. Taking D2 with me. We did amicably work out a 50/50 visitation schedule, so that's one positive.
I'm scared as hell right now and have been sobbing all day.
So sorry to hear that buddy... We are all rooting for you...
Well, it's been a whirlwind few days. Awesome time out with W on Friday. Felt like old times. Then I did a stupid thing and checked the phone records. Lots of calls to OM this weekend. Confronted her this morning. We didn't yell or anything, but at the end, we (she) decided we need to separate. It's her house (everything in her name) so I'm packing up some things and going to my parents house tonight. Taking D2 with me. We did amicably work out a 50/50 visitation schedule, so that's one positive.
I'm scared as hell right now and have been sobbing all day.
Don't leave. Don't make the same mistake I did. Check the law in your area. It may not matter the house is in her name. Leaving is the worst thing to do. Stall. Do whatever until you know your rights.
NDY,
Thanks. Already talked to my L today. She is fine with me going. D2 is coming with me for the next few days. Worked out agreement with W in writing. W is also sending me an email that I'm not abandoning them, and that this is best for D2, and there has been no physical or mental abuse.
L is fine with all this. She's not thrilled, but she's fine with it.
Ok, you need a vet. And now. Vets, calling all vets. Ralf, no. This is wrong. You're caving. I made the same mistakes. People on here hit me with more than a few 4 x2's. And the one that still resonattes with is , why are you facilitating your D when that's not what you want?
Hello Ralphy,
Turning on the bat light for any Vets who have time to assist our friend.
I know you're trying very hard, but I have to agree with NDY. Please wait until you hear from one of the Vets.
I'll dedicate a prayer to you in a few moments.
Bob
Well, I'm back home with my parents - at 38 years old. Wonderful.
Anyway, here is where I need some guidance. My W is saying that the separation is so that we can take time apart and start "dating each other" again. (Of course, she is also dating someone else in the meantime).
I understand detaching. But what if detachment is one of the things that she points out as being a problem going into this. She told me yesterday, she wants me to call her, she wants me to initiate contact, she wants me to show some affection. I feel if I detach from her, stop calling, stop responding, etc. that this will only further confirm her assumptions about me.
Now, granted, none of the things she's asking for will happen as long as OM is in the picture, but let's assume for a moment that she drops him and wants to proceed with "us". Is it better to give her what she wants, but do it in a confident, exciting, mysterious way, or is it better to follow the DB rules and completely detach while we are separated?
I really confused by my W right now. She wants to be separated, wants to keep OM, but wants me to pursue her at the same time. Obviously that will not happen.
HI mate
You need a vet asap.
I agree. Wish I had the money right now to call a DB Coach. I do have IC appointment in an hour, and I'm going to run this scenario by him as well. I'm pretty distraught right now. I know it will pass. This seems so weird to me though.
As I sat awake last night, I realized that I'm not sure that I love her anymore. Am I willing to go through this knowing that she really doesn't think she needs to change much at all? She says she knows there are things she needs to work on, but I'm not quite sure that she comprehends the extent of the help that she needs. I don't think she's seeing the right counselor, and I don't think she's addressing her control issues. But that's not for me to point out to her.
I want to make one last ditch effort at trying to work through this because I think we owe it to our Daughter to at least try. And deep down, when she's healthy and thinking clearly, she really is a great person.
I really confused by my W right now.
She wants to be separated, wants to keep OM, but wants me to pursue her at the same time.
Obviously that will not happen.
CAKE EATING.
What would you do if you were not married and someone you were dating had other boyfriends?
This is the same situation.
This stinks. Never been so alone and scared. Separated for a few days now. Trying to pick myself up and find the strength for PMA.
Keep your chin up Ralphy, it's a one day at a time proposition around here. Sometimes it's a one minute at a time proposition.
Do you have anyone you can call to hang out with? A buddy? Someone just to go for a walk with or go shoot some pool with? You're not going to be able to instantly forget about your situation but if you can get momentary glimpses of happiness it helps.
The "never been so scared or alone" line means you need to work on being cool with being alone. At one point in your life you probably were. Get back to being ok being alone, even if it is scary at first. It won't be forever. This is where GAL'ing comes in in a big way. Right now it's just the contrast of what your life used to be like with what it's like now that makes it seem so awful. Lots of people love being alone - just not LBS's.
We're right here with you man, everyday is a battle for mental supremacy. Zues always talks about getting after your own self improvement when you're separated, I'd give it a go as if you were a man possessed. Use this time, use the pain as fuel to better yourself. It's going to be hell either way, you might as well get as much out of it as you can.
Keep posting too. We're here for you.
This stinks. Never been so alone and scared. Separated for a few days now. Trying to pick myself up and find the strength for PMA.
Hello Ralphy,
I totally understand - you are not alone and what you are feeling is so normal.
Whether you are a beleiver or not, I think this verse from the bible really fits your sitch right now. I hope you find some comfort in it:
“I cry to you, O LORD; I say, ‘You are my refuge, my portion in the land of the living.’ Listen to my cry, for I am in desperate need; rescue me” (Psalm 142:5-6).Try not to panic. That would be one of the worst things to do now, buddy.
Your friend,
Bob
Well, I'm back home with my parents - at 38 years old. Wonderful.
I am really sorry to here this Ralphy. I vowed since I graduated college i'd never ever move back into my folks house. Well now I know better (after spending so much time here), if I was in your shoes i'd chose moving back into their house where they would love me unconditionally over being completely disrespected and treated like $hit, in a heart beat.
I understand detaching. But what if detachment is one of the things that she points out as being a problem going into this.
Now, granted, none of the things she's asking for will happen as long as OM is in the picture, but let's assume for a moment that she drops him and wants to proceed with "us". Is it better to give her what she wants, but do it in a confident, exciting, mysterious way, or is it better to follow the DB rules and completely detach while we are separated?
So the more I read about healthy marriage, the more I get it. Detachment is not only about saving ourselves. That is true when we are enmeshed with our spouse or in an abusive relationship, but it is about removing our reliance emotionally from our partner and letting them live their own lives without us needing to control them. Now that does NOT mean that we cannot be close, friendly, loving or caring towards our spouse...just the opposite, being detached allows us to do these things freely, without strings or expectations of a return for those gifts that we are giving. A detached partner does not mean distant...I cannot ever imagine this a something a spouse would ever indicate as a problem.
For your situation RIGHT NOW, detaching from your wife has everything to do with creating a mindset of not needing your wife to fulfill your needs so that you can start to find yourself and really build your self-worth and esteem up and letting your wife walk her own path. It will also allow for better interactions later, if and when YOU are ready for such interactions.
I really hope that your wife wakes up. But in the meantime, there is a chance for Ralphy to make up some ground on treating yourself like you truly deserve to be treated...you can start on that tomorrow!
For your situation RIGHT NOW, detaching from your wife has everything to do with creating a mindset of not needing your wife to fulfill your needs so that you can start to find yourself and really build your self-worth and esteem up and letting your wife walk her own path. It will also allow for better interactions later, if and when YOU are ready for such interactions.
Ralphy,
No truer words have ever been spoken or written. Well said, Z, excellent advice!
Bob
You are all so amazing. I felt horrible as I went into rehearsal tonight. I came out to some wonderful people giving some wonderful advice. Wouldnt it be amazing if we could all meet up someday, around a huge bonfire and just talk, laugh, sing, etc?
Good luck to all of you. I'm going to bed now...happier, more relaxed, and hopeful because of all of you.
I'll say a prayer for all of us tonight.
Ugh...wish me luck tonight.
W and I.have a "date" for a show we bought tickets for months ago. It's outside, and we are doing a little picnic. Got here at 2 like I was supposed to, and of course, she's not ready. Sitting on the couch waiting for her to get all made up. Will be interesting to see if she puts her ring on. Wasn't on when I got here.
also, she's in full "teenager" mode, using little slang sayings, bubbly, etc, but still pretty vacant. Who is this person? I'm resisting all temptation to try and hug her or be in any way affectionate.
STFU, stay detached, validate....
I did get a haircut, and some new clothes prior to arriving. She said I look nice - but had this strange smirk on her face when she said it. Almost as though she thinks I'm doing this for her...I'm down almost 30 pounds. Nothing fits, and I feel good that I can finally buy some clothes that will fit me. Even but a couple "slim fit" shirts. Haven't been able to do that for 15 years.
I'm going to make this a good night. No R talk, just two "friends" on a picnic.
Keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I need some emotional support right now. I will be thinking of you all as well.
I hope everyone has a nice night. It's really nice here...hope the rain holds off.
You are all so amazing. I felt horrible as I went into rehearsal tonight. I came out to some wonderful people giving some wonderful advice. Wouldnt it be amazing if we could all meet up someday, around a huge bonfire and just talk, laugh, sing, etc?
Good luck to all of you. I'm going to bed now...happier, more relaxed, and hopeful because of all of you.
I'll say a prayer for all of us tonight.
Thanks Ralphy...I've often thought the same thing. Wouldn't it be amazing if we could all meet up someday?
You'll be ok!
Bob
Don't have anything to add, really. But I'm following you and hoping you are having a great night.
So a quick recap from the weekend. W had a minor outpatient procedure (which she of course turned into the most drama-filled recovery possible) on Friday. She called me Friday afternoon and asked if I could take D2 for the night. Of course I can. So I picked up D2 and took her back to my parents house where we stayed overnight.
Saturday morning, my mom took D2 to my niece's softball game and I went clothes shopping for some nice clothes that actually fit. Spent about $300. Felt pretty good.
Picked up W (see post above) after waiting for her to get ready for about an hour after we were supposed to leave (par for the course).
We had a nice time on our picnic. Minor affectionate things, little hugs, holding hands, kisses, etc. We then decided to leave the outdoor concert early because it looked like rain. We decided to go to a bar and sing karaoke. (Something we used to do together regularly). We sat on the couch for awhile and kissed quite a bit. It was simultaneously nice and awkward.
No R talk or anything up to this point. Went out and had a pretty good time and saw some people we hadn't seen in awhile. Just drinks and holding hands and some little kisses here and there. It got to be about 11:30 and we decided it was time to go home. Kiss at her car, and I went my way and she went hers.
Sunday, I got D2 ready and took her to the house to pick up W for church. Then we went to a restaurant for Father's Day. After we left the restaurant, we were planning on going straight to the pool, but had to take the food home first. Awkward moment in the car "arguing" about going to the pool. I was tired, and kind of just wanted to be away from W at this point. Not sure why, but I just wanted to be alone, and was starting to get old feelings worked up, thinking about her A, etc. Was worried that I would start talking about R, so I probably came across as agitated.
Anyway, we dropped off the food, I was over my little bout of depression, and we took D2 to the pool. Swam for awhile and she had a blast. D2 fell asleep in the car on the way home, and we pulled into the driveway, and had to talk about the upcoming week. Tried as best as I could to avoid any R talk, but it did come up a little as I mentioned that having to work all this out, staying at my parents house, etc. was pretty annoying since it takes me 2 hours to get to work now. Told W that I was going to start looking at apartments soon because I can't keep up the driving, and no sleep routine forever while she figures things out. Obviously, this got her a little upset. (She thinks that I should just deal with this forever?)
Anyway, the night didn't really end on a great note, but we did hug, and said goodnight. Cordial, but strained.
Now to my feelings of the weekend. It was very strange to be with my W. It was like a date that I really didn't want to be on. Where you meet a blind date and realize that there is no way it will work, but you go on the date anyway because, well, you're there, and the person seems pretty nice. but you know its going nowhere. This is how I felt all weekend, which is why there were a couple of awkward moments.
I think I'm starting to be OK with the fact that this may not work out with us. I started some deep should searching last night, and I truly don't know if I can forgive W for her continuing EA (still not sure if its ever gone PA). I'm OK with it if it doesn't work out. For the first time since BD almost 2 months ago, I'm starting to think of my future without my W. And I'm surprisingly OK with it.
One last thing that I forgot to add. At the picnic on Saturday, W lost her sunglasses. She spend the rest of Saturday evening all the way through until Sunday afternoon freaking out about losing her sunglasses.
Finally, before we went to the pool, we went shopping so she could get new sunglasses. While she was trying on pairs, the sales guy said I should get some too. I'm not a flashy, spend lots of money on sunglasses kind of guy, so I declined. But W insisted that I try some on. We found some that she liked. They were $300 Prada sunglasses. I said no way.
She ended up buying them for me.
So if nothing else, I got a nice pair of sunglasses out of the deal. Supposedly it was my Father's Day present. Not sure what to make of it all, but it was truly and interesting weekend to say the least.
Ralphy,
Nice update on your sitch. The reconciliation process is full of fits and starts. If I remember correctly, it took Starsky and Mrs. Starsky about 2 years before things truly settled down.
Something you would want to keep in mind during your journey with Mrs. Ralphy.
Thanks Wonka,
I'm not sure how much of a reconciliation it can be when she's still with OM on the side. But we did have a nice weekend, despite it ending awkwardly.
She's just in such a foul mood all the time. She's difficult (aka NOT FUN) to be around. It's very quickly changing me from putting everything I have into saving US to just wanting to move on and get it over with.
I suppose this is healthy as I'm finally focusing on ME, and not worried about everyone else's reaction. I'm just asking myself WHY do I want to save this? I truly can't find a legitimate reason now, other than D2 will be happier. But will she really be happier? I don't know anymore.
Thanks Wonka,
I'm not sure how much of a reconciliation it can be when she's still with OM on the side. But we did have a nice weekend, despite it ending awkwardly.
She's just in such a foul mood all the time. She's difficult (aka NOT FUN) to be around. It's very quickly changing me from putting everything I have into saving US to just wanting to move on and get it over with.
I suppose this is healthy as I'm finally focusing on ME, and not worried about everyone else's reaction. I'm just asking myself WHY do I want to save this? I truly can't find a legitimate reason now, other than D2 will be happier. But will she really be happier? I don't know anymore.
Ditto. I'm in the same place mate. On a scale of 1-10 of waywardness my W is an 11.
Since the weekend, there has been very little contact. All through text messages. Nothing really important, just day to day interaction about uneventful things.
I'm in a nice place right now - somewhat at peace, and yet still a little nervous about the future. I took a night off of rehearsal tonight so I could spend some time with D2.
It has been all W initiating contact for the past two days. I'm really trying to detach and give her space so I can give her a chance to think, and see where that goes. We do need to talk sometime this week so I can get a sense of where she is with the A. I need to figure out how to approach that subject and at the appropriate time. It really is the deciding factor on whether I'm willing to keep trying or not.
Picking up D2 after 2 days.
Remember...
Detach, PMA, STFU
Textbook DB. Everything went smoothly. PMA is the way to go. It's amazing how sad she is for someone who has the "best soul mate ever."
Ok forum family, I need some help and direction. Maybe Sandi2 is around? I've been doing well with PMA around W. Yesterday when I dropped off D2, I noticed W wasn't wearing her ring.
It was a wake up call for me. Since we've been separated now for 2 weeks, I've thought about moving on or staying to try and work things out. BD was 2 months ago now. We've remained cordial, and she's backed off a lot on anything bitter or hurtful words. It's seems she is genuinely confused and afraid. I've tried to avoid talking about R because every answer has been "I don't know right now."
here's where the moment of truth comes in...I'm picking up D2 tonight and W has texted me that we "can talk tonight if you want".
I've reached a point where I'm willing to try and work on things as long as it takes - BUT not if OM is still in the picture. I don't know if he is, and last time I asked about it two weeks ago, she said "it's none of your business." This is the one obstacle that is holding me back fr moving on, maintaining PMA, etc.
How do I approach this tonight with her? Everything else is unimportant right now. If he's still in the picture, I'm filing D this week. Any thoughts on how to make this clear to her?
I made the decision not to talk at all. Didn't bring up anything related to R. When I walked in the house, W was heating a frozen pizza and invited me to stay. She also made root beer floats.
conversation revolved around D2 and how amazing she is growing and learning.
Quick hug and kiss on the cheek and I left with D2. Got to parents house and put D2 to sleep.
Ralphy,
I made the decision not to talk at all. Didn't bring up anything related to R. When I walked in the house, W was heating a frozen pizza and invited me to stay. She also made root beer floats.
conversation revolved around D2 and how amazing she is growing and learning.
Quick hug and kiss on the cheek and I left with D2. Got to parents house and put D2 to sleep.
I am glad you made this decision. You want to be upbeat, positive and light around W. I love Root Beer floats in the summer with A&W. A true summer treat for sure!
Keep it up, buddy.
Thanks Wonka,
Lots going through my mind today. It's been tough.
Is there ever a good time to ask her about her Affair? I really want to know if it's over or if they've just gone further underground.
Another question...D2 and I share a birthday in a couple weeks. Should I just plan something? Should I ask W if she's planned something? I just want to be with D2. I took the day off work, but I don't know how much of this to try and plan with W or if I just start making plans. We don't hate each other. Its actually sort of cordial right now. Not knowing about the Affair status is affecting how I approach the situation.
Hi Ralfy. How you doing mate. Not posted here for a while.
Not sure about asking about the A. I'll let someone with more experience chip in with that one. If it were me I wouldn't ask. He's a nobody and has nothing to do with your family. Forget that jerk.
As for birthday. My S9's birthday is coming up and I am most definitely engaging with WW on that. Now if I were you. And I don't know you personally I'd bring it up. If you have an idea of what you want to do with D2 then mention it with the WW. But on this I'd be prepared to negotiate as its D2's birthday as well. Be strong on the point that you will spend the day with D2. If WW wants to be there then is a perfect opportunity to show her the great guy she's leaving.
Thanks NDY. Hope you are well too. I was leaning toward working with W to make the plans together. I just wanted to be sure. Sometimes I feel like my situation is much different than most on here, and other times, I can see that it's exactly the same.
My W is having some kind of an A, be it EA or PA, (or at least she was), told me at BD that she hated me, didn't love me, etc., but almost immediately started being cordial, wanting to do things together, etc. At the same time though, she politely and with a smile on her face can rip my heart out with things she says. But she's not really ever hurtful.
She is very easy to love, and it's really difficult to let go. In some ways if I could confirm that the A is still happening, it would make things so much easier for me to just file D and move on.
Like last night, her inviting me to eat pizza with her, making root beer floats, and talking and laughing with me about D2. It's amazing that there's more in her head that she's not sharing. Last night was like old times in a way. Just simple, easy conversation between two spouses who love each other. And yet, she doesn't see anything wrong with being separated and saying she doesn't know about our future.
I suppose, sadly, my W is better at DB that I am, and it's frustrating.
She just sounds mixed up. Keep being the lighthouse and working on you. Forget the A for a minute. It sounds like it's not too big a deal right now. Just go with the flow.
I'm sure trying NDY. Ups and downs as you know.
Have a good day.
If anyone is awake now, I could use some reassurance and encouragement. Don't know why, but it's been a particularly rough night emotionally. Just laying in bed crying right now. This is testing every ounce of strength I have right now.
It's not right that I'm giving up half my time with my daughter. I'm scared that this is moving toward divorce, and the way courts work, my W will get custody and have total control over when I get to see D2. Our state is "no fault" and won't consider W's affair.
This all [censored] so bad.
Stand strong you can do this
Hang in there buddy. It does get better... You are not alone in this...
Hang in there ralphy. I know it's tough but you can do this.
Ralphy, I'm sorry my friend. Feeling the pain and releasing it is a good thing. It's understandable that you feel the way you do, and things will get better. In my sitch, I have found that periods of calm follow those where I felt terrible - hopefully that will be the case for you too.
In terms of the courts....they will be keen to support children having a good R with both parents. Your W doesn't hold all the cards here....
Take care, and I hope tomorrow is a better day for you.
((((((Ralphy)))))
Thank you so much everyone! I fell asleep almost immediately after posting. Today is a new day. I have to work on PMA and not dwell on things I cannot change.
I hope you all have a great day.
Almost screwed things up with a stupid text message today. Thankfully, the tower fell in the right direction. Closing off that tunnel for good - no cheese in there!
Still a lost soul, but I'm slowly finding my direction. IC in the morning, and we're focusing on ME, rather than my situation. I welcome the coming improvements.
Looking forward to a nice Loooooong weekend. Rehearsal tonight, then going to a show tomorrow night. Get to spend the day with D2 Saturday, then D2, W and I will attempt a night at the fireworks Saturday night. They also have pony rides, so it will be fun for D2! (Just have to remember STFU and that I'm out with a friend on Saturday night-PMA). Not sure about Sunday yet...maybe a long overdue trip to the gym. Then I have Monday and Tuesday off work, so I get two full days with D2. Better get planning on that!
Had a great IC session today. I like my C a lot. Really starting to get to the good stuff about me now.
My pastor ends each service with "Be kind, be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle." It sure is true for all of us. Happy 4th everyone.
May the odds be forever in (y)our favor.
Good morning forum family. Not much happening, just saying hello and hope everyone has a great weekend. Holiday from work today. Missing D2 like crazy, and missing W too. Wish I could wake up from this nightmare.
Time to read my morning motivational stuff and then get on with improving and making today great for me.
Good morning forum family. Not much happening, just saying hello and hope everyone has a great weekend. Holiday from work today. Missing D2 like crazy, and missing W too. Wish I could wake up from this nightmare.
Time to read my morning motivational stuff and then get on with improving and making today great for me.
Have a great day Ralf. It's the middle of the afternoon here and the sun is shining. I feel a cold beer will be consumed on the way home.
I really hope you have a good weekend. Try to find some time to do something for yourself and enjoy it!
Thanks to both of you. Slept until about 10:30 today. My body really needed sleep apparently.
while all I really want to do now is go back to sleep, I know that sleeping away my uncertainty isn't the answer.
Time to face the day, face my demons head on. I can do this.
PMA.
I remember the first time I had a proper sleep after BD. boy did it feel good and really set me up for the day. I tell you what. IMO that first nights sleep which is uninterrupted and deep, that for me was the beginning of getting on an even keel. Hopefully this will be the same for you.
I'm not a North American but enjoy your day tomorrow.
Sad when showering feels like an accomplishment for the day. Hahaha!
It's the little things in life I guess.
I've got 4 hours to kill. Maybe some retail therapy without spending any money. I can look at the things I want to buy, then set a goal for getting them. Clothes mostly since nothing fits anymore. 165 now. I'd better start paying attention before I'm down too much weight.
Have a great day everyone.
Today's goal: Get moving and PMA all day.
New approach...
I am going to post a goal for myself for the day, each day. If anyone else wants to accept the goal/challenge for the day, feel free, and then return tomorrow to share with me how you accomplished the goal, and get the new "goal of the day". Maybe if we all focus on getting better, and encourage each other to do the same, and also share in our successes, it will at least be a little easier day by day while staying detached...here goes.
7/3 goal - Between now and midnight, I will truly laugh. A really hardy laugh that is not forced, or with pain behind it.
Go.
Ralphy.
Challenge Taken.
Watching my dog play in the water... He has no idea he is part retriever / poodle / water dog. Belly laughs around.
Little things!!!
Happiness is a choice!
About to go into a live theater show. It's thankfully a comedy. Just need to let go and laugh. Easy goal to achieve today.
Thanks for sharing a laugh today Zephyr!
Intermission of the show...and post #100. What's my prize?
Hopefully one post closer to stability.
My 4 year old told my SFIL that he wasn't her best friend because he wasn't eating a Popsicle like the rest of us. MIL told her she shouldn't say that because it isn't very nice. My daughter just looked at her and shrugged, like a raging 16 year old. Funniest thing I've seen in a long time.
Got in a couple really good laughs at the show. Forgot that life [censored] for three straight hours.
Thanks for playing along. New goal tomorrow.
7/4 - Today's goal is to maintain a PMA and make a list of 5 things I'm thankful for:
1. My beautiful, smart, and energetic daughter.
2. The support of my family.
3. A country that, despite our faults and mistakes, is proud to be free.
4. Pony rides and fireworks tonight.
5. God remembering me.
Great list Ralphy. A solid dose of gratitude will help all of us today. The simple fact that we live in a country where we have access to the internet is something many people would kill and die for.
Thanks for posting that.
PP
Ralphy - there's a TED talk by Shawn Achor about this topic. I highly recommend it!
7/5 - Goal - Today I will take time to listen with true sincerity and validate what I am hearing, making eye contact and validating - with everyone I interact with.
Quick 2 minute update on the weekend, as I'm going into rehearsal for my show.
Had a nice weekend with D2 and W. Saturday we went a D2 rode a pony, some carnival rides, and then we skipped fireworks and went to dinner.
Sunday, we went to the pool and then hung out at the house for awhile. W seemed upbeat, which helped my PMA. I slid a little and was a little too huggy/kissy I think, but W didnt push me away either. I said ILY, which I'm second guessing, but she did say it back, which she would not have done a couple weeks ago.
W has been organizing the garage. Something I should have done months ago, but was lazy and half a $$ed it. Now she's done it, and I regret that I didn't do it better sooner. Live and learn. One positive, she didn't seem to be pushing me to take anything other than what shouldn't have been there.
I'm curious as to how to positively acknowledge her hard work, validate her efforts, and also apologize that I didn't do it when she asked me to. I really do feel bad about it now. Something to think about as we are having lunch together on Wednesday and I'd really like to at least acknowledge her efforts without pursuing...
Ralphy,
What are your W's primary LLs?
That should key you into how W receives "love" from you.
I don't know Wonka. I've tried to figure that out. She used to love getting flowers. Now she says "flowers aren't affection", and she's never liked flowers.
I'm not completely familiar with the Love Languages (might have to start reading I guess). But she's nothing like what I knew before, so you would probably know about as well as me at this point.
whatever love language deals with following through, carrying my weight financially and with keeping the house clean is probably the language I need to be speaking right now. It's been an eye opener going through this, and I will demonstrate my changes when I get a chance, but not being at home makes it tough.
I don't know Wonka. I've tried to figure that out. She used to love getting flowers. Now she says "flowers aren't affection", and she's never liked flowers.
I'm not completely familiar with the Love Languages (might have to start reading I guess). But she's nothing like what I knew before, so you would probably know about as well as me at this point.
whatever love language deals with following through, carrying my weight financially and with keeping the house clean is probably the language I need to be speaking right now. It's been an eye opener going through this, and I will demonstrate my changes when I get a chance, but not being at home makes it tough.
Sounds like "Acts of Service"...
Are there things you can do for your D...doctors appts, new clothes, things like that?
Run and get the Five Love Languages book by Gary Chapman NOW. Don't delay. It is a companion to the DR book...seriously.
Ok. A quick Google search seems to lead me to Acts of Service And Words of Affirmation. But I know I need to do more reading before making a final assessment...but these have been her two primary complaints.
Thanks Wonka. I will do that today.
Sadly, I think I remember W asking me to read this year's ago, and I blew it off. I'm so embarass ed by what I allowed myself to become.
Got the ebook from Google Play. Read half of it already. Thanks Wonka for the suggestion. Fingers crossed that I can put the steps to positive use.
It's a great book Ralphy! So many lightbulbs went off when I read it.
My W used to divert me away from group gatherings so we could have time just to ourselves. I would take this as her not wanting to integrate herself into our community. After figuring out that "quality time" was her main LL, so much of her behavior made sense.
Mine is Acts of Service, so I'd clean, cook, wash, fix stuff, and take care of business. And then watch football in the other room by myself thinking I was an amazing husband for taking care of everything. Then get pissed that she didn't notice. Then resent the fact that she never took care of anything for me.
It's a game changing book!
Ralphy,
Not much to add here, other than I'm also in the camp of the 5LL being maybe the most enlightening book I've ever read in regards to where my M started falling apart. I hope it helps you find 'what works' in your DB plan.
Wonka I have been wondering about that book as I enjoy reading and it keeps me busy while kids have activities. Sorry to hijack your post ralphy. Just been reading threads to get ideas! Everyone has so much helpful information! I am glad you had a good weekend Ralphy.
Anyone is always welcome to hijack my thread. I might learn something!
I feel a shift. I'm very cautiously optimistic that baby steps have started. I need to let the changes I've committed to for me start becoming second nature. I can't stress enough how important it is to make changes for ME. The rest will work itself out.
Finished the book last night. I am going to reread it again since it moved so quickly. Now its a matter of trying to put all the pieces together.
I know that I have a lot of work to do on myself, and the book actually changed my mind about my own LL. I always thought it was one thing, but as I read, I realized that other things make me so much happier. I thought back to what I've been missing being separated from my W, and realized that it was all the kind, gentle things she would say to me. Sadly, I ignored most of them and didn't pick up that she knows my LL and was actually trying to speak it. I deserve to be where I am right now.
It doesn't excuse the A (which I still don't know about), but I'm in no place to discuss it or ask about it at this point. Need to stay focused on what makes me tick and how I can become a better person.
I'm night and day different from where I was a few weeks ago even. I went back and read my posts from when I first joined here, and I can see the progress and can feel the difference self-improvement is making. Hopefully it translates into results, but I know it's too soon for that right now.
One day at a time.
Prayers to all of you for strength.
Ralphy,
Just caught up on your threads and your statement below could not be more true
I'm night and day different from where I was a few weeks ago even. I went back and read my posts from when I first joined here, and I can see the progress and can feel the difference self-improvement is making. Hopefully it translates into results, but I know it's too soon for that right now.
Wow what a transformation. Keep up the good solid work! When you W comes around, you will be the H she won't ever want to leave. I'm sure of that.
Stay strong and be the lighthouse! God bless.
Gr8ful
Hey Ralphy,
I just wanted to stop by and inform you that you are in my thoughts and prayers daily. I finally caught up with your situation. Wow, you are making tremendous progress. I think you should give youself a pat on the back.
Please try to keep a PMA, don’t give up and keep moving forward. I think you have this!
Your friend,
Bob
Thanks gr8ful and Bob. This is an amazing forum family we have here. I hope the progress that I seem to be making isn't just on the surface. I'm trying to fundamentally change who I am, what makes me tick, and realize what I can and can't control.
My W and I are communicating. We are far from even starting to R, but a lot of that is a result of HER being willing to interact with me respectfully as well. I'm skeptical of what I could be being set up for. I don't know if her A is over or not (I refuse to ask). I co I ld be served with D papers tomorrow for all I know...but I'm emotionally prepared for if lightning strikes.
The forecast calls for a 50% chance of rain...I can do 1 of 2 things...I can cancel my plans, stay inside and worry about the storm - or I can just grab an umbrella.
I vote grab the umbrella! 😎
Exactly. Thank you all for being my umbrella in this storm.
That's deep isn't it?