All, I noticed I hit exactly 100 posts on my last thread, so I started a new one. I'll bet Cadet is proud! LOL
Wonka and all....I will not reply until I hear from someone.
Guess what? Moments ago, I received the most open text I have from my WAW in the 7 months we've been apart. I know -- NO expectations. I'll copy that one in, but first what happened earlier today. As a recap, my W was supposed to stop by and pick up summer clothes and a few of her other things today. A few days ago, Toots and Wonka suggested my first text below (originally I was going to be here, then W asked if I could be out for while).
I want to summarize the last few day's "text" events and a great post by Wonka that really summarizes my sitch perfectly.
First text I sent a few days ago: "Hi W - I understand and have made plans that should give you ample time. If for some reason you'll be much later than 5 let me know. Take care."
W responded: "Thanks"
I responded: "You're welcome"
Now, we get to
today:
W's text: "Bob - I can't come today. I am too tired to walk. Sorry, W."
I reponded (Wonka's awesome idea):
"Thanks for letting me know...I appreciate it. Please let me know how I can help make this easier for you. Hope you will get some rest today. Bob"
Then, hours later, I get this from my W:
"Thanks, I'll try. It could just be the beginning of an MS relapse too. By the way, are you still taking the meds and going for counseling? I'm just curious, you don't have to answer because it is really none of my business. It seemed to be helping you feel better, I was just interested if you feel the same way. My mom is actually taking (same med as me) now because she's been feeling stressed. I'd been trying to tell her try it for a while now and she says she's feeling better now too. IF PEOPLE WOULD JUST LISTEN TO ME FOR GOD'S SAKE!!! But no, no one ever does. I don"t know what to do - I miss you so much but I don't know if I can live with you. I need to come down sometime to discuss the house, we'll see. Take care, I'm very confused right now. Sorry, me"To summarize, this is my sitch as Wonka sees it:
"Bob, I am going to hijack this thread to expand on a bit why I suggested the text response to other posters.
People, if you would read all of Bob's threads, his W has a MS which is a quite debilitating condition that affects all aspects of her daily functions. Not a fun thing to have at all! One of W's two main complaints is that Bob has 1) been smothering 2) seemingly not caring about her health situation.
The approach going forward for Bob when interacting with his W (be it a text, phone call, or in person) is to do the two following actions:
-Show genuine interest in his Ws health
-Trying not to jump in and go all into "Mr. Fix It" mode
-Be supportive without smothering W
Just simply saying "ok" seems cold and uncaring. That is not the way to go in DBing when it comes to Bob's situation."So, what is my next step? My W admitted she is confused and wonders if I'm still going to therapy and taking meds. Positive on both counts.
Bob
P.S. I can't remember the last time she wrote or said she misses me.
I know, NO expectations....but maybe some progress?
Bob
No expectations, but that doesn't mean you can't enjoy the moment for a bit Bob.
Sounds like you handled the texts very skillfully. Well done!
I'm glad you have Wonka to help with your responses!
Sounds positive overall and I know it's not easy to have no expectations but expectations can lead to disappointment. I think this is definitely a positive, baby step but if a reconciliation is in your future it can still be a long time away.
Keep the positive changes in you going!
Bob,
Your W is opening up a bit and it is critically important that you make it safe for her to do so without any judgment or jumping down her throat with "helpful" suggestions.
I am going to decode this line for you:
I miss you so much but I don't know if I can live with you.
This is WAWspeak for:
I do want to be with you, BUT I am terrified to return back to the M that is the same ol' M without any changes.
She's confused because she's seen the changes in you and it's throwing her off. It is GOOD because it shatters her own narrative of what a bad H you have been and hanging her own hat on to that POV.
Your next step?
Why do you need to ask? Of course, draft up your response and post here for feedback. I think you're ready to do this step yourself, no?
I akways advise newbies to follow the general principles when composing a text or email response:
-KISS
-STFU
-Concise and on topic
-Validate when appropriate
Lost & Wonka!
Thank you so much for checking in!!!!
Ok, I'll do my best, Wonka. You're AMAZING.
Bob
A thought just crossed my mind and I want to write this down before I forget it.
Have you ever thought about joining a local support group for people who have spouses/partners with MS in your area?
Wonka, yuo're on top of it all. Actually, I have thought about that but not acted on it yet. It's a good idea.
Many, many *Hugs*
Bob
Your next step?
Why do you need to ask? Of course, draft up your response and post here for feedback. I think you're ready to do this step yourself, no?
Dear "Wonka the Amazing,"
Actually I mis-wrote that. I meant to write, what should my response be?
Well....here is my draft. I am not sending it until you have time to read it and make any corrections you see fit. You are the pro and I find myself thanking God for you more often than ever before.
Bob's draft reply:
"You're welcome, hope you're back on your feet quickly. I take the meds every day as prescribed and go to counseling 2 to 3 times a week. It does help me feel better. I can understand why you would be upset that people don't seem to listen to you. I appreciate you being so open and honest about us living together, and I can see why you would feel confused. Take care, Bob"Ok, now it's your turn Wonka.
Bob
Wonka & All,
Just journaling. Our first date was 15 years ago today.
I updated my signature.
Bob
"You're welcome, I hope you're back on your feet quickly. I am taking the meds and going to counselling; It does help me feel better. I miss you too W. Take care, Bob"
Hi Bob - of course Wonka is the pro here. But these are my thoughts...
T :-)
Hi Bob. I would agree with Toots and add the line about thanks for being honest about living together. As others have said this is a long road. reconciliation is nearly always possible and in your case baby steps are being faken I hope for the best for you , just don't let expectations creep in. My EXW will hug me , call me everyday , text me she misses me and tell the kids she wants to come home. All words Bob until you see actions try to keep expectations in check
Positive thought mate. Take care. Rd
Bob,
Congrats on a little positive momentum in your sitch. I like the Toots text also. No expectations but let it inspire you to continue the good fight.
"You're welcome, hope you're back on your feet quickly. I take the meds and go to counseling It does help me feel better. I can understand why you would be upset that people don't listen to you. I appreciate you being so open and honest about us living together, and I can see why you would feel confused. Take care, Bob"
I know Wonka will come by with the best answer. My two bits are above. KISS with the meds and counseling and took out the "seem to" phrase as although you are trying to validate her but the seem to makes it appear that you don't actually think she's right.
{{hugs}}}
E
Bob,
Great that you've posted your draft response here. Nice first draft.
W's Original Response"Thanks, I'll try. It could just be the beginning of an MS relapse too. By the way, are you still taking the meds and going for counseling? I'm just curious, you don't have to answer because it is really none of my business. It seemed to be helping you feel better, I was just interested if you feel the same way. My mom is actually taking (same med as me) now because she's been feeling stressed. I'd been trying to tell her try it for a while now and she says she's feeling better now too. IF PEOPLE WOULD JUST LISTEN TO ME FOR GOD'S SAKE!!! But no, no one ever does. I don"t know what to do - I miss you so much but I don't know if I can live with you. I need to come down sometime to discuss the house, we'll see. Take care, I'm very confused right now. Sorry, me"Bob's Draft "You're welcome, hope you're back on your feet quickly. I take the meds every day as prescribed and go to counseling 2 to 3 times a week. It does help me feel better. I can un why you would be upset that people don't seem to listen to you. I appreciate you being so open and honest about us living together, and I can see why you would feel confused. Take care, Bob"Suggested ResponsesToots: "You're welcome, I hope you're back on your feet quickly. I am taking the meds and going to counselling; It does help me feel better. I miss you too W. Take care, Bob"
Erinn: "You're welcome, hope you're back on your feet quickly. I take the meds and go to counseling. It does help me feel better. I can understand why you would be upset that people don't listen to you. I appreciate you being so open and honest about us living together, and I can see why you would feel confused. Take care, Bob"
Wonka's TakeI wouldn't touch on W's confusion because you cannot really understand why unless she tells you outright. So I'd leave that alone.
Toots and Erinn have done a real good job with their suggestions so let's incorporate them. Bob, I think it would be an opportune time for you to show some of your vulnerability to W.
Here's my suggestion:
"You're welcome, hope you're back on your feet quickly. I take the meds and go to counseling. It does help me feel better. Also have done some introspection and reflection which helps as well. I can only imagine how you would be upset that people don't listen to you...how frustrating it must be for you. 
I appreciate you being so open and honest about us living together. I hope today is a better day for you. Take care, Bob"
hi Bob,
sorry it has taken me so long to catch up on your thread. I can't offer you any advice that is better than what you have already been given and know yourself. The text sounds promising and overall your situation is almost heartwarming compared to mine and some others I have come across with a down-right hateful WW.
Keep up the PMA. You are an inspiration my friend.
-Py
Bob,
Great that you've posted your draft response here. Nice first draft.
W's Original Response"Thanks, I'll try. It could just be the beginning of an MS relapse too. By the way, are you still taking the meds and going for counseling? I'm just curious, you don't have to answer because it is really none of my business. It seemed to be helping you feel better, I was just interested if you feel the same way. My mom is actually taking (same med as me) now because she's been feeling stressed. I'd been trying to tell her try it for a while now and she says she's feeling better now too. IF PEOPLE WOULD JUST LISTEN TO ME FOR GOD'S SAKE!!! But no, no one ever does. I don"t know what to do - I miss you so much but I don't know if I can live with you. I need to come down sometime to discuss the house, we'll see. Take care, I'm very confused right now. Sorry, me"Bob's Draft "You're welcome, hope you're back on your feet quickly. I take the meds every day as prescribed and go to counseling 2 to 3 times a week. It does help me feel better. I can un why you would be upset that people don't seem to listen to you. I appreciate you being so open and honest about us living together, and I can see why you would feel confused. Take care, Bob"Suggested ResponsesToots: "You're welcome, I hope you're back on your feet quickly. I am taking the meds and going to counselling; It does help me feel better. I miss you too W. Take care, Bob"
Erinn: "You're welcome, hope you're back on your feet quickly. I take the meds and go to counseling. It does help me feel better. I can understand why you would be upset that people don't listen to you. I appreciate you being so open and honest about us living together, and I can see why you would feel confused. Take care, Bob"
Wonka's TakeI wouldn't touch on W's confusion because you cannot really understand why unless she tells you outright. So I'd leave that alone.
Toots and Erinn have done a real good job with their suggestions so let's incorporate them. Bob, I think it would be an opportune time for you to show some of your vulnerability to W.
Here's my suggestion:
"You're welcome, hope you're back on your feet quickly. I take the meds and go to counseling. It does help me feel better. Also have done some introspection and reflection which helps as well. I can only imagine how you would be upset that people don't listen to you...how frustrating it must be for you. I appreciate you being so open and honest about us living together. I hope today is a better day for you. Take care, Bob" Hello Toots, Rd, Defacto, Eirinn, Pyrite and of course Wonka!
Toots and Eirinn, thank you ladies for the suggested changes.
Rd, Defacto and Pyrite, thank you for your encouragement and advice.
Wonka, dear Wonka, thank you for pulling it all together for me!
All, thank you for your time and continued support. I have no idea where I’d be now without you all.
I will send Wonka’s suggested text soon and keep you all updated.
I love you all – I mean it!!!
Bob
All,
Text sent, but my W’s phone is off. I am sure she is still sleeping. I’ll let you know if she replies, and if so, what she writes back.
Thanks again for all your support. I am blessed to have such great friends.
Bob
I am blessed to have such great friends.
As are we all. Thank you Bob.
I nope this is a turning point for you, you deserve it.
Hello Pyrite,
You’re welcome and you are correct! Thank you for the kind sentiment, too.
I hope things are going better for you. Hang in there and keep a PMA. It IS helping me.
Your friend,
Bob
Hi Bob, glad you came up with a good response - with a little help from your friends! I think others make an important point about the no expectations. It is easy at a time like this (where a little warmth and regret seem to have crept in) for our expectations to rise and then potentially crash again. This is why no expectations is so important.
If our expectations don't rise, we can just calmly note what happens next and move forwards. If they do rise, they either crash again if things don't go as we expect (hello rollercoaster) or they rise and may lead us to push too soon or too hard - which can then lead to a pull back.
So, my advice is keep yourself busy and steady. Do your own thing and don't worry if your W read the text yet...and keep on keeping on...
You're doing great Bob!!
Cadet,
Can you please fix the link to the 5th thread on the first page? Thanks dearie....
xoxo
Hello Toots,
Thank you for the advice and kind words. No expectations is what I have.
{{{{{Toots}}}}}
Bob
Cadet,
Can you please fix the link to the 5th thread on the first page? Thanks dearie....
xoxo
Hello Wonka,
I messed that up? Obviously, I must have. Thanks for noticing and reaching out to Cadet.
{{{{{Wonka}}}}}
Bob
Bob
Just read your threads as I don't like posting without doing so, makes me nervous.
Dearest Bob, take your time, rebuild your castle walls carefully brick by brick. Remember MS is a very tiring and fluctuating illness that your W needs to manage first and foremost. She has to do this before she manages her R and as time goes on this will require more of her focus.
Allow her to set her priorities and remember that much of it is from necessity.
Reduce the emotional loading and be casual and breezy. Your W knows what she needs and how to manage her stuff. let her use her higher power for her.
You have enough to do to manage you.
Doing great and thank you for your lovely posts on my thread in such a difficult time.
V
Vanilla,
Thank you very much for catching up on my sitch and posting such great advice.
Also, you are very welcome. I do my best to help or at least offer encouragement to others. It makes me feel good!
BTW, no reply yet from my wife. I’m sure she is still exhausted. I pray for her well-being every night, no matter how this turns out. I know I will hear from her when she is ready. No expectations.
Hang in there, V. You are a wonderful person!
xoxoxo
Bob
Thanks Cadet...xo. Now back to Bob's regularly scheduled programming.
Hi Bob. What do you have scheduled for GAL this week? Anything fun?
Bob,
I just wanted to tell you that your PMA is amazing. You seem to be a genuinely nice guy. Just keep being positive and don't pressure your wife. She seems to be afraid that your changes are only temporary. Prove her wrong. Trust me, things have a way of changing when you least expect it!
Reading your thread, Bob. To give me some inspiration. Thank you for the support you have given me.
Bob... I was pleasantly surprised that your W was so open and honest with you! That is definitely a step in the right direction. I am very happy for you, but please continue to maintain no expectations and continue your new life as usual.
Hello All,
I did not get a chance to log in last night – super busy. Today, overwhelmed a bit at work.
I just wanted you to know I’m okay and have not heard back from my W.
Maybe (big maybe) later tonight I can catch up on some other situations.
I promise I have not forgotten about my DB Family and hope to reply to your posts and check in on you soon.
No Expectations!!!
Love, Bob
Hi Bob
No worries. Good to see you're doing OK.
Bob - glad to hear you are doing ok. The no expectations is tough. But, you have an amazing PMA and whenever I need a boost, love coming to your thread.
Thanks for checking in Bob, as I was about to post a "wondering where Bob is post"
I'm glad all is well, except busy and that you are remembering no expectations.
Your DB family cares about you tremendously!
(hugs)
E
Good to hear from you Bob, was wondering how you were doing as well.
Keep rocking!
LOL!!!! You 2 crack me up!
Dear Eirinn, Kramer, Smothy, mahhhty, Huddy, Ripken and PigPen,
Wow, have I been swamped at work. better than not having enough to do! I think I finally caught up on most, if not all, situations I have been following--even a few
new ones. Hehe
My update: I have no update, but that could be a good thing. 3 days ago, I sent the "team" text to my W after she professed to missing me so much and being "very confused." As I wrote the other day, she has never admitted to being confused. Ever.
My IC has thought she would realize this eventually. So, I see no response as a possible "good" sign (I know...mind reading). What do you guys think? I think she's re-evaluating her decision. She still may decide to go thru with the D, but for now I will keep with the PMA!
Eirinn, you asked about any GAL this weekend. I think I posted it in your thread. Anyway, I am going to watch the hockey game tomorrow night with friends and Sunday I'm heading over to an Antique Auto Show. You are so very caring. Thank you for asking.
Kramer, you mention my PMA. I got that from people such as yourself on this forun. Thanks Kramer!
Smothy, I'm so happy that reading my thread gives you inspiration. And, you are quite welcome.
mahhhty, Thanks for checking in, sir. You're right--No Expectations. You do know who really got me to believe that it helps? You did! Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Huddy, thank you for the support. I am doing better.
Ripken, thank you for the compliment. Again, the PMA came back to me from this loving DB Family. I'm happy to hear my thread gives you a boost. Wow...
PigPen, thanks for the inspiration. You know what? I will keep rocking!
You are always helpful.
I'll leave you with this, something I've learned about facing your problems. It has 3 main parts:
1. Recognize/define your problems.
2. Admit your problems to yourself and to others.
3. Take steps to deal with your problems in a healthy manner.I love you guys!
Bob
I think not hearing from her could be good, but she might also be watching to see if you stop detaching because she admitted a weakness. So, as usual, forget about her thinking, and enjoy the wonderful person that is Bob. We all do!
E
Bob - What a great update. Sounds like the group text was just what the doctor ordered. I am happy for you and hope this does signify a turn around. I'm rooting for you Bob, I really am.
You sound like a really great man.
I think not hearing from her could be good, but she might also be watching to see if you stop detaching because she admitted a weakness. So, as usual, forget about her thinking, and enjoy the wonderful person that is Bob. We all do!
Dearest E,
Are you trying to make me cry? LOL You are SO sweet. And the advice, priceless...."forget about her thinking."
Thank you for checking in on me.
*Hugs*
Bob - What a great update. Sounds like the group text was just what the doctor ordered. I am happy for you and hope this does signify a turn around. I'm rooting for you Bob, I really am.
Heavy, thank you so much. I think the text was "just what the doctor ordered." I have not tried to contact her since. I know she needs time to sort things out. No matter how things turn out, she will
always hold a special place in my heart.
Thank you for your encouraging words, Heavy. I am rooting for you, too!
Love the 3 steps Bob. Unfortunately I had many in my M. I'm not out of the woods yet with them but have thrown myself into those exact 3 steps with vigor.
So far, I've gotten nothing but positive feedback from everyone including my W. Unfortunately for her (at least at the time) it was too little too late.
I'm not giving up and you're PMA is always something that I look forward to reading on here.
Have a great weekend Bob!
Pigpen,
Thank you, my friend. You made me feel good when you wrote "I'm not giving up." You got it - PMA.
Have a great weekend, too, PigPen!
Bob
W after she professed to missing me so much and being "very confused."
As I wrote the other day, she has never admitted to being confused. Ever.
One thing hits me here.
Confusion = MLC
That seems very plain to me.
So this could be a very long ride.
Hang in there Bob!
Hello Cadet,
You know, the same thought crossed my mind. You may be spot on.
Thank you very much for checking in on my situation.
You are the best!
Bob
Hi Bob
Good to hear from you!
Confusion seems like a good thing. That means she's thinking about it. It's not over yet Bob, but good luck.
Well Bob I am glad u are busy these days. That definitely help keep my mind clearer. It is when I am sitting still waiting or at work I am constantly swirling and wavering.
Thank you so much for your posts earlier...I definitely appreciate them.
Hey Bob,
One thing I wanted to mention. You know my disease and your wife's illness are very similar. Is she on any medication? I know when I was in the full swing of multiple meds my thinking and feeling were way out of whack. Not an excuse to walk away from a marriage, but might explain some of her reactions or over reacting on things. Just food for thought!
Confusion seems like a good thing. That means she's thinking about it. It's not over yet Bob, but good luck.
Hi Huddy,
Good to hear from you, too! I think that is the case as well.
Thank you for taking the time to check in and post.
Bob
Well Bob I am glad u are busy these days. That definitely help keep my mind clearer. It is when I am sitting still waiting or at work I am constantly swirling and wavering.
Thank you so much for your posts earlier...I definitely appreciate them.
Hi Zephyr,
You're welcome, it is my pleasure. I love trying to help others. Being busy helps keep my mind clearer, too. Another reason it is highly suggested in DB'ing to GAL.
Take care my friend and thanks for checking in!
Bob
Hey Bob,
One thing I wanted to mention. You know my disease and your wife's illness are very similar. Is she on any medication? I know when I was in the full swing of multiple meds my thinking and feeling were way out of whack. Not an excuse to walk away from a marriage, but might explain some of her reactions or over reacting on things. Just food for thought!
Hello Diana,
I am sorry to hear that, I honestly can't remember if I knew that. How are you feeling today? My lovely W is on
many medications. Her MS medication has the nasty side-effect of causing depression, which MS can, too. Also, MS can (and has for her) caused confusion. One example, years ago she forgot how to get home from a place less than 1 mile from our house. A place she had been many times before. Just to give you all an idea.
What was different about this, is that for the first time in over 7 months (when she files for D) she admitted she was
confused about our R. The first time!
You brought up great food for thought. Thank you, Diana, for checking in on my sitch and I hope this finds you feeling well.
Many *Hugs* coming your way . . .
Bob
Hi Bob,
I'm doing much better. As of right now I'm off all medication to let my liver heal. Hopefully my disease will go into remission for a while and I don't have to take steroids, antibiotics or chemo again. What made me think about all of this is that for the past week my H has been severely ill with strep throat and then Scarlet Fever. Some of the meds he has been on were the same or similar to the ones I took for months and months. I saw how it affected his moods and feelings. I knew that these would affect him and knew how to handle it since I had been through it myself. Now he sees what I had to go through and has a better understanding of my feelings and my mood swings when I was on the meds.
Lots of hugs and prayers your way too Bob!
Hi Diana,
I'm thrilled to hear you are doing much better. Yay!!
This is a fantastic point: "I saw how it affected his moods and feelings. I knew that these would affect him and knew how to handle it since I had been through it myself. Now he sees what I had to go through and has a better understanding of my feelings and my mood swings when I was on the meds."
Thank you for taking the time to explain, it really helps me. Also, I could use the hugs and prayers. You are so kind, Diana.
xoxo
Bob
Journaling:
I haven't heard from my W since her text about missing me and being "very confused" on Monday. I replied the next day (I call it the "team text") and that's been it. I expected this and I am not concerned at all. I feel at peace now. What is meant to happen will happen and is out of my control.
But...that's not going to stop me from keeping a PMA.
Nobody, except me, can take that away from me.
Your DB Friend-
Bob
Love it Bob, I always love to check in on your sitch just to get a small piece of your PMA. No answer from your W could mean anything and nothing, so you're right, all you can do is take care of you.
You're doing great work and your attitude is something that no situation can dictate. You're living proof of that!
Have a great rest of your weekend.
- The Pen
You're doing great work and your attitude is something that no situation can dictate. You're living proof of that!
Hey There "The Pen" LOL
How kind of you to check in on me and post that inspiring comment.
I hope you hace a great rest of your weekend, too.
Thank you so much.
Good for you Bob - you are right of course...why would we put our happiness in the hands of someone who really may not have our best interests at heart right now??
I see you've been busy on the forum tonight with lovely messages of support and goodwill. It's kind of you to give so much to other posters. We all love to see that someone has taken the time to post on our thread.
Hope you're having a good weekend! ((Bob))
Thank you for the encouragement, Toots! Great point.
I had been bombarded at work and didn't have much time for a few days to check in. Last night, I fnally had some time and tried to catch up on everyone's sitch I was familiar with and some new ones, too. Thank you for the dear, dear compliment. (Blushing as I look toward the ground.)
I am having a good weekend, I hope you are, too.
If you check back and notice this post, did you read my long post on page 5 of this thread? I posted it yesterday. I added at the end 3 things I've learned about dealing with problems.
Toots, serioulsy, I'd be lost without people like you who support me. You mean so much to me.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You have a lovely soul.
((Toots))
Bob,
I really hope your wife's "no response" is a positive sign. Sounds like you are doing all the right things and have learned so much during this journey. Your gifts to all on this forum are support, understanding, caring and kind words. I haven't been Posting here too long, but I feel the genuine respect and love The people here have for you. Hang in there, be patient (I know you are) and know that there are so many people who care.
Thanks for all your support.
Gr8ful3
I really hope your wife's "no response" is a positive sign. Sounds like you are doing all the right things and have learned so much during this journey.
Gr8ful3,
Thank you for the encouraging thought. What I have learned is mainly due to the loving, caring people on this forum--people just like you!
Your post is so humbling I'm almost speechless... We all help each other, but thank you from the bottom of my heart
and soul for the truly kind sentiments. I'm probably blushing right now and you made my evening!
Oh...before I forget, you're welcome. I love to help others, it makes me feel good.
Please take care of yourself, ok?
Bob
Bob,
I just wanted to drop in and give some hugs to you and hope that you are having a good day.
Thanks for your kind words of support on my thread today.
Hang in there. We can take this crazy journey together and support each other through it.
It looks like you are doing very well with your attitude. I have a similar stich, W has rheumatoid arthritis. I always just wanted to try and fix her, and smother her. Seeing how others are suggesting what to do and your actions has given me some things to think about. Thanks for posting your story.
Bob -
Looks like you've been doing well this week. Saw we crossed paths on s number of threads today but not sure I posted to you. Keep your chin up and get out there and enjoy life. Wishing you the best.
Ralphy,
Well thank you for the hugs and stopping by. I am having a good day. I hope you are, too.
You're very welcome, I enjoy supporting others any way I can.
I'll hang in there if you promise to, ok? LOL
We will take this crazy journey together and make it.
Your friend,
Bob
Hello Roid,
Thank you for your supportive comments! My, I don't think I've checked in on your sitch in a long time. I apologize.
I seem to recall that your W has rheumatoid arthritis, which is similar in many ways to MS. It's a fine line we walk as their H, isn't it Roid? If my W wants to reconcile (I'm keeping my PMA!!) I've learned from this wonderful forum and my IC to let her do things her way and try not to "fix her" or do things for her, unless she asks. In fact, I won't even ask if she needs a glass of water like I used to. If she wants a glass of water and can't get it for herself, she will ask me.
I am elated that my story may help you with your sitch. I truly hope it does.
I will check in on you tomorrow. Thank you for taking the time to stop by and post in my thread. I appreciate it!
Bob
Journaling:
I haven't heard from my W since her text about missing me and being "very confused" on Monday. I replied the next day (I call it the "team text") and that's been it. I expected this and I am not concerned at all. I feel at peace now. What is meant to happen will happen and is out of my control.
But...that's not going to stop me from keeping a PMA.
Nobody, except me, can take that away from me.
Your DB Friend-
Bob
Hi Bon,
It's been a while but I wanted to check in and see how you are doing.. This post made me smile, you seem to be on the right track and I can only hope I will get there. Pretty far down in the pits now, so this post really meant a lot!
Keep up the PMA!! Seems you've got this!
Hug!
Looks like you've been doing well this week. Saw we crossed paths on a number of threads today but not sure I posted to you. Keep your chin up and get out there and enjoy life. Wishing you the best.
Hi Matt,
It's always great to hear from you, my friend. I have been doing well this week. Thank you, sir! We did cross paths today, didn't we? That's good -- it means we are supporting each other.
Thanks for the kind words, support and your time.
Stand tall, take care of yourself and enjoy life, too.
I wish you well, Matt.
Silly phone.. I wrote Bob, but I see now it changed it to Bon..
Hi Bob.
It's been a while but I wanted to check in and see how you are doing.. This post made me smile, you seem to be on the right track and I can only hope I will get there. Pretty far down in the pits now, so this post really meant a lot!
Keep up the PMA!! Seems you've got this!
Hug!
Hi Tulo,
I am so happy to hear from you, thank you for checking in on me. I am doing better--thanks!
For a few days late last week, I was bombarded at work and didn't have time to log into this forum. Finally, last night and some of today I tried to catch up with all my friends on this board. I was thinking about you and another person but had to head out for a GAL activity tonight.
I'm really sorry to hear that you are "Pretty far down in the pits now." You brought a
to my face when you wrote my post "really meant a lot." I'm so glad it did.
I'm about to head for bed but noticed your post and wanted to reply.
I'll check in on you tomorrow...I promise. Hang in there, Tulo!
Many *Hugs* coming to you . . .
Bob
I just want to say that I have been reading through your threads and your an inspiration! Your a very kind and caring husband. Don't give up Bob723!
Okay Bob, I go away one day and come back to check your sitch and you have three pages to read! I hope you feel the outpouring of support you have on this board. You have made a difference to many, many people on here and as well as to yourself. As Cadet said, I think you still have a long road to traverse, but you are making the time you have count.
Way to go!
E
Bob,
Thanks for all the love and support you send our way.
How was you GAL'ing last night?
Hi Bob! Thanks so much for taking the time to stop by my post. I have finally caught up on your sitch. Your PMA is so inspiring. I was having a really rough morning & reading through your threads really brightened my day. Everyday I learn something new coming to these forums & everyday I say a prayer of thanks for all the beautiful people here.
Take care & have a great day!
I just want to say that I have been reading through your threads and your an inspiration! Your a very kind and caring husband. Don't give up Bob723!
Hello teach,
You are too kind! Thank you very much for the super-kind words and support. You brought a huge
to my face.
I will NOT give up.
{{{teach}}}
Okay Bob, I go away one day and come back to check your sitch and you have three pages to read! I hope you feel the outpouring of support you have on this board. You have made a difference to many, many people on here and as well as to yourself. As Cadet said, I think you still have a long road to traverse, but you are making the time you have count.
Eirinn,
I can't stop laughing.
This line: "I go away one day and come back to check your sitch and you have three pages to read!" has me in stitches. I love the way you say things. I can tell you have a great sense of humor and are probably a free-spirit.
So, did you get caught up? Hehe Just kidding!
E, in the short time you've been on this forum, I feel you have made a difference to many people here, too. You have become a good friend of mine. And you are learning fast--working on what you can control--yourself. Keep up the good work.
I do feel the "outpouring of support" here and it is one of the things that has helped me so much. It is quite humbling and, at the same, strengthens me.
Thank you for your support!
*Hugs* and more *Hugs*
I will check your thread very soon to see how your day went yesterday.
Bob
Hi Defacto,
You are so welcome, buddy! My GAL'ing last night was awesome. I had a great time with my friends watching "my" Blackhawks beat the Ducks to reach their 3rd Stanley Cup Final in 6 seasons.
Thank you for asking, it means a lot to me!
Keep standing tall.
Bob
Hi Bob! Thanks so much for taking the time to stop by my post. I have finally caught up on your sitch. Your PMA is so inspiring. I was having a really rough morning & reading through your threads really brightened my day. Everyday I learn something new coming to these forums & everyday I say a prayer of thanks for all the beautiful people here.
Hi Tweets! You are so very welcome! This has taken time (beleive me!) but I have found that if you think good thoughts about any situation your actions will follow along those lines and you have a much better chance at the outcome you hope for compared to feeling down and hopeless about it. Oh, way back when this first happened, I felt down and hopeless. In shock -- which is our body's way to protect us from a traumatic experience.
You are one of the many beautiful people here. Try to think as positviely as you can about your sitch. I will dedicate a prayer to you right after I submit this post (that way, I don't forget LOL).
Thank you for taking your valuable time to check in on me!
*Hugs*
Bob
Journaling:
Tomorrow I will be in training all day at work and will not have access to my laptop. Cell phones are not allowed in the classroom. Then, tomorrow night, I have an appt with my IC.
If you are a believer, may I ask a favor of you? Please say a prayer for me and my W tomorrow. It is our 14th Wedding Anniversary. It's good I'll be in training and then see my IC. I'll be fine, but I'm sure (being human) it may hit me at some point of the day.
God bless all of you in this "DB Family" We WILL get thru our sitches as long as we keep supporting one another!
Thank you.
I will think of you, Bob, and keep you in my prayers. Best of luck.
RAI
P.S. that means a lot coming from a Habs fan
P.S. that means a lot coming from a Habs fan
Hello RAI, it sure does!! Sorry about your Habs. Well, the team that knocked them out is the last team standing in the way of another Cup for my Hawks.
I can't thank you enough for keeping me in your thoughts and prayers tomorrow.
How have you been? I think I'll check your thread.
Take care!
Bob
Bob - just wanted to wish you a happy anniversary for tomorrow. It's tough to have these dates come up at a time like this, but we get through them. I was ill on our anniversary last August, soon after BD and didn't hear from H at all. It was horrid! But once it's done it's done, and who knows what we'll be up to next year.
I hope you manage to have a nice day anyway. Good that you 'll be busy with training.
Take Care xx
Toots - you seem to always know the right things to say.
Thank you for your encouragement and taking the time to check in and post.
Take care, too.
xoxo
Stay positive mate. It's just another day. You never know what the future brings.
Hi Bob,
Of course I'll keep you in my prayers tomorrow. If you start to get upset at anytime, just think that the best anniversary gift you can give to yourself and your relationship is a better Bob, and hey, you are already doing that!
I'll be thinking of you all day,
{{{{{HUGS}}}}}
E
NDY,
Thank you mate -- you are spot on! I love your PMA.
Take care,
Bob
Hi Eirinn,
You are another person on this forum that always seems to know the right thing to say and brings a smile to my face.
A "Better Bob" - what better anniversary gift could I give myself? I hadn't thought of that.
Thank you for posting and the kind words. Also, thank you in advance for keeping me in your thoughts tomorrow. I truly appreciate it.
{{{{{HUGS}}}}} back at you...
Bob
All, if you peek in on my thread, should I call or send a text to my W tomorrow? It's our 14th Wedding Anniversary. My gut tells me it's best to leave her be at this time. I sent the "team text" last Tuesday, so it hasn't even been 1 full week yet. Still no reply from her since, which I expected and doesn't worry me a bit.
Normal DB'ing would tell me not to contact her, that's pursuing. But, in my case (as Wonka pointed out), with my W's MS, typical DB rules aren't always the way to go.
My idea has nothing to do with wishing her a Happy Anniversary--she has fired me as her husband, at least for now.
This popped into my head, sending a text tomorrow
could be "powerful" if done correctly. What do I mean? Something like this:
"Just wanted to see how you are doing. You were right about the breakup. Now I know that it was the right thing to do. You are a wonderful person and you deserve the best. I am sorry for having messed it all up. A lot of amazing things have been happening lately. I would love to tell you about it some time. Anyway, I just wanted to thank you for the wonderful times we shared."Or, it could backfire. I still am thinking postively, which is why I believe this idea came to me. I'm also being honest with myself. Maybe it's best
not to contact her tomorrow.
Either way, I get an anniversary gift--a "Better Bob" as Eirinn said.
Bob
I'd be interested to hear other votes. But my vote would be a NO.
If you felt compelled to send something then I would go super simple. No explanations or acceptance of guilt, reasoning or anything similar.
I was thinking about you today. I hope you are feeling well.
Evening Bob!
I'm with Mah on this being a no. The possibility of it backfiring is far greater than any positive development. Its like blackjack, don't hit on 17 the cards aren't in your favor. Instead, make it celebrate Bob day! Celebrate how far you've come & how much you've grown as a person. Celebrate your steadfast devotion & your ability to take charge of who you are, which is someone only a fool would leave! You'll be in my prayers.
{{{{Bob}}}}
I think you said it best yourself Bob.
"My gut tells me it's best to leave her be at this time."
I'd go with your gut. My heart and prayers will also go to you tomorrow on what is inevitably going to be a hard day for you both.
Stay strong, take excellent care of yourself, celebrate how amazing you are and how much light and strength your messages give to everyone on this board. I vote to leave it at that.
Love yourself tomorrow as much as you love your W and the day will be a success.
PP
I agree with the No's....x
A stern NO from me as well...
Joining in the chorus Bob NO. you are doing really well and of course you want to send a text but just see this for what it is. You. This test is all about control and you have none. Re read it and I think you will agree
Take care. Rd
Bob - count me as a no as well. IMO I'm not sure what could be written in any text to not have it come across as pursuing or taking all the blame. Even just a short - "I was thinking about you" seems pursuing because of the emotion tied with this date - it grows exponentially.
By not sending anything, you are mysterious. If you want to do a check in tomorrow or WED because of your unique situation I get it, I would just pass on today.
I agree with the consensus. No. Your initial instinct and reasoning seems to be correct, IMHO. If you pursue she will distance. If you distance, she will pursue.
You are in my prayers, as promised.
RAI
All:
Thank you so much! My gut instinct is right!
No message of any type.
I'll have to be starting another thread it looks like, and I am heading into all day training.
I hope to respond to each of you individually tonight.
If I can't, please know I read every word of each post since I asked about texting last night.
Thank you ALL for your time, advice, thoughts and prayers!
*Hugs* to all...
Well done on not sending anything. Mine was last Thursday and my fingers 'itched' all day to send something.
I am so glad I didn't. We can do this, Bob! :-)
Hi Bob, just thinking about you and hoping you're getting through your day okay. Lots of good thoughts and prayers headed your way.
{{{hugs}}}
E