I think that I have to use this two month window to regain my sense of self. My confidence. My goal at the end of this two months is to truly believe that no matter what my W decides to do that I will be OK.
RULE #1: I promised no contact other than kids and finances for two months. This is non-negotiable. If I break this I am done so breaking it is not an option. If I do it my own fault. Control my anxiety. LEAVE HER ALONE.
Sit down, make a list of what you need and want to do to make yourself awesome and then start checking those items off the list.
Listen, I don't want to burst your bubble, but two months isn't a long time to get yourself on track and to stay there. You do realize that you shouldn't be putting a time limit on what she's going to think about? If you want a time limit for you and what you need to do to get back to being a great husband, companion and lover, i.e., someone would be a fool to leave, then that's okay. But by saying two months to her, well...that's pressure.
I don't want you to have high expectations about this time limit for her to think about things. You've got to keep those expectations at zero so that you aren't angry, disappointed or frustrated when the two months come and go and things may not be any better between the two of you.
Bottom line, in order for us to help you, you have to help yourself. So, let's get w/the list of activities and go from there.
Sit down, make a list of what you need and want to do to make yourself awesome and then start checking those items off the list.
Job is your friend on this BE. He's giving you great advice here. Make that list. Doesn't have to be long. But it has to be followed with ACTION.
I agree w/ job... A time limit creates expectations.
BEC.
I strongly suggest you let go of the timeline. That is a pressure that will be an undoing.
What happens after 2 months? You begin chasing again?
This whole evolution will take whatever time it takes. But what I see here is BEC once again trying to take control by giving this situation a timeline. In fact your whole ideal is an ultimatum.
This thread needs to be changed into "BEClem. One day at a time"
Ok let's start the list: These will be all self focused.
#1. Play one round of golf per week.
#2. Read 4 books on self help or self improvement in 2 months.
#3. Start writing music again.
#4. Quit smoking and switch to vapors.
My apologies if by suggesting the new thread title, I steered you down a wrong path BEClem.
The goal was to help you to use the two months and not just let them pass without working on yourself.
TenBook's title is far more appropriate and will serve you much better in the long run.
Okay BEC. I love your list.
When I was in the toilet, my list literally was.
Put on shoes.
It morphed into,
Open door.
Eventually I got to,
Walk out door.
I was really proud once I got to, get in car!
Just re-read the LRT chapter. Is this where I am at?
This is where you were at as soon as you separated.
You are doing good BEC.
One hour and day at a time my friend.
You can do this.
I am in 8 months now and it's still hard but it gets better, I promise. You will slowly start to get back to YOU and start feeling better about yourself. Your self esteem has taken a beating and it will take a little while to get that back up again. I agree that lists of what to do each day is helpful.
I know you are worth it. You just have to believe it too.
Well I have no other option. LRT for 60 days. No contact except concerning kids and finances. Period.
Get my head straight. Get to a point where I am ready to move on with my life with or without her.
Going to up my meds (per my nurse practitioner) to get my anxiety and the depressive symptoms I'm starting to experience under control.
Throw myself into work and my kids.
Try to start living in the real world again and stop living on this board.
I'll check in probably daily but can't live here anymore.
I'll reasses in 2 months.
I've got nothing left to lose so here I go: time to take the plunge.
I agree with the others. I would not pay attention to the "promised" date. Your focus should be on day-over-day change and growth. If you focus on the target date, you will limit yourself. Focus on what you can do on THIS day. And the NEXT day.
Your W will know where to find you when she's ready. If you try to have today's conversation again on Day 61, Id bet there's a good chance you'll be right back to square one.
You can set whatever ultimatums or dates or promises you want, but if you haven't ACTUALLY changed and she isn't ready to accept them, things won't end as you hope.
That's why I said reasses in 60 days. I have no expectations of how she may feel in 60 days. I have to use this time to mentally get myself in order to be ok with or without her. Focus on me right?
That's why I said reasses in 60 days. I have no expectations of how she may feel in 60 days. I have to use this time to mentally get myself in order to be ok with or without her. Focus on me right?
You can. I think you will be better reassessing daily. Consider your actions and adjust as needed.
There is no time limit when you should force contact other than what's needed. That ball is in her court now.
Here are my LRT 180s:
1. STOP PURSUING BEHAVIOR COMPLETELY: Only speak of kids and finances. Period. End of Story.
2. Keep all interactions brief and positive.
3. Continue to focus on my children.
4. Continue to be helpful around my house when I am there.
5. Start doing things for myself to regain my confidence and to like myself again. Realize that being accountable for my part in this does not mean that I am 100% to blame. It simply means that the only person I can control is me.
6. Stop pushing. LEAVE HER ALONE.
Anybody around this morning? Today is day 1 for my LRT. Today I will go to work. I will see my W twice today when she drops the kids off and picks them up.
She is going to a BBQ. I will not speak to her about anything concerning our R.
I will be upbeat and pleasant toward her when I see her and keep it brief.
I will enjoy the afternoon and evening with my children and parents.
She needs space space space space.....so I need to keep my mouth shut shut shut shut.
Exude confidence. Exude happiness. Show her unconditional love by accepting her feelings for being her feelings and realizing that I cannot control her feelings but can control myself and how I react to them.
Sounds like an excellent plan BEC. Keep going.
At work now. Just trying to stay focused. I have I admit that even though I know this LRT is my last chance, I don't have a lot of faith.
What does everyone think about my W telling me I caused her PTSD from how much I changed for the worse the last several years.
I'm feeling a ton of guilt.
I think she's saying things and/or looking for excuses to vilify you. Quite frankly, had you and the marriage been so horrible, she would have divorced you long ago. There are times when they will project on to you their own thoughts about themselves and things that they are either thinking about doing or have doing.
For now, listen and if it's something you need to work on then work on it...otherwise, file it away. Own only 50% of what went wrong w/the marriage. Don't take on the entire load.
Keep the focus on YOU and try to think of other things. Get that rubber band that I mentioned earlier, place it on your wrist and when you start thinking about her snap it really hard and I bet you won't be thinking of her again for a bit.
Thanks Job. That was a very helpful post.
It is going to take a lot of daily discipline for me to do this LRT and to manage my anxiety and to stop the pursuit.
I mean, I have no choice. Even though it was a mistake for me to tell her I would leave her alone other than kids and finances or two months, I can't go back on it. At all. Because then I become a liar with no self control and it validates the exteme version of me she has.
Knowing my wife, I think she is projecting. She has always run away from problems instead of facing them. And I can literally count on only my two hands how many times in 14 years I have heard a genuine "I am sorry from her".
I think deep down she knows she's treating me like crap. And I think she is doing so because she is genuinely hurt, but also because she is not ready yet to forgive me and to fully face her role.
I really have no anger toward her. Sadness and frustration. Yes. But I forgive her.
Anyway, you're post was very helpful and got me a little grounded.
I'll be seein her twice for drop off an pickup today. I just finished work.
Going to stay pleasant and brief with her. I'm going to be kind to her. But no serious talk.
Thanks Job.
Thank you to everyone. The people on this board are full of strength and love.
Drop off of kids went smooth. I smiled the whole time and was polite and brief with her.
I tried to exude confidence but obviously was faking it.
Man she hates me.
You fake it until you make it. It's not going to be easy, in fact this is going to be the hardest thing you have ever done and that is to leave her alone.
She doesn't hate you, but she is very angry w/you right now. In time, when she sees you are not pestering her about the relationship and divorce, she'll settle down and mellow out just a bit...but if you start that crap up again she's going to bust your chops w/divorce papers. Then what are you going to do? It takes two to marry and only one to file for divorce. So, back off, live your life as if things won't work out. In fact, you have to consider the old marriage is dead and you need to mourn the loss.
The drop off sounds like things went good. That's a start...but you've got to stay the course and leave her alone. Whatever she's doing right now is none of your business, except for the kids.
Keep the focus on YOU! Find things to do this afternoon and just relax a bit.
I will Job. I have no other option than to leave her alone.
This is probably my last chance. I will not blow it.
I'll probably journal on here for a while as I'm getting my feet wet with leaving her be. This is so damn hard.
You guys are my rock
Why do you guys suppose she keeps saying she's done and is going to file but than goes back to I'll think about it?
Please don't answer with "it doesn't matter".
I'm trying to understand this behavior.
Why do you guys suppose she keeps saying she's done and is going to file but than goes back to I'll think about it?
Please don't answer with "it doesn't matter".
I'm trying to understand this behavior.
Because she's angry. Because she wants to hurt you.
But she is living ok right now with you paying all the bills.
From a woman's perspective, yes, I am a woman, she is saying she is done to get you off her back and leave her alone. They threaten divorce when they feel pressured by the spouse and the only way to get the spouse to leave them alone and back it up is to say, I'm done, I'm going to file.
When they say they'll think about it, it is because they are comfortable w/you paying the bills and having the money roll in and also, to keep you hanging out in limbo. Not making a decision is a decision. Besides, if things don't work out in her little mind w/Plan A, you will become Plan B.
Keep in mind, you will never under the behavior because she is operating on pure emotions. Everything she does is because of emotions and when you are emotionally, nothing makes sense to anyone but the person who is acting out. You can't rationalize with a grapefruit...can you? Nope. The more you try to analyze her every word, comment and behavior, the more it's going to raise your anxiety level.
She's done for now, so leave it alone. She's said she's done to get you to back off and let her play in her sandbox. She's done to get you to stop pestering her. She's done for today and she's going to keep you hanging in limbo while she's doing her thing. Get off that limbo train and live your life. The wife you knew is gone. The person you see there is just a shell of the woman you loved. She's not herself, in fact she may be just the mirror image, opposite of who she was before it's over with.
KEEP THE FOCUS ON YOU! You can rationalize w/an irrational individual who is also operating on emotions and isn't thinking w/her head right now.
Correction to the third paragraph as follows:
"Keep in mind, you will never understand the behavior because she is operating on pure emotions. Everything she does is because of emotional and when you are emotionally wacko, nothing makes sense to anyone but the person who is acting out."
Paragraph five:
"You can't rationalize w/an irrational individual who is also operating on emotions and isn't thinking w/her head right now"
Job I didn't realize you were a woman.
a very wise woman whose friendship and support I appreciate dearly.
BEClem,
Breathe! Tomorrow is a new day and I hope you've got some fun things to do w/your kids, if you aren't working. If you don't have any plans, sit down this evening and come up w/some. I don't know what the weather is like there for you...but it's spring and it's a good time for taking walks/hikes, etc., then get some ice cream cones!
I have work in the morning then will be spending the afternoon with the kids.
Okay. Plan something for the afternoon and do not do any work around the home. Tomorrow is a holiday and you need to take some time off husband duty and just have some fun w/your kids. Take them away from the home for a little bit and enjoy that time. They grow up way too fast and once they do, you can't recapture that age and adventure again.
God this is hard....and it's only day 1 lol
You know so much of the irrational thought and acting on emotion is so spot on.
Vilifying me with no accountability for herself.
Being delusional about thinking that if she files for divorce that she just goes on living in the house that I pay for as a single stay at home mom.
There is literally no rational thought.
My family thinks she is unhinged.
Ok. Pickup of kids went well to. Brief and positive. Made it through day 1. She even texted me to tell me she was running a couple minutes late and I didn't even respond. She walked in to see the kids and I having a blast playing hide and seek.
Anyway. I'm sad as hell but I faked it.
I agree with Job, she does not hate you, however, she is very angry with you as I am angry with my husband for having an EA and a PA.
I filed for a divorce a couple of months ago and told my H. I wanted him to hurt as much as he had me. He claims he doesn't want a divorce. Maybe she is doing the same thing. She wants you to feel her pain and be heart broken just as she is.
I find you ladies to be the best resource on here because
men and women think so differently.
I do feel like she is punishing me.
What do you ladies think my chances are. I love her so much and all I want is for us to be a family again. I know DBing is supposed to be about "you" but I was just wondering.
How do I soften her heart.
We already know I have to give her lots and lots of space. I've already made that mistake too many times already.
We "agreed" to two months of nothing but kids / finances but I realize it may take longer than that.
I'm basically stuck in the "I'll think about it" limbo. That's the only guarantee she'll give me. "I'll think about it".
I'm a good man ladies and my intentions are pure.
I agree with Job, she does not hate you, however, she is very angry with you as I am angry with my husband for having an EA and a PA.
I filed for a divorce a couple of months ago and told my H. I wanted him to hurt as much as he had me. He claims he doesn't want a divorce. Maybe she is doing the same thing. She wants you to feel her pain and be heart broken just as she is.
So you filed but do you actually want the divorce? I just keep wondering why she doesn't just pull the trigger?
Maybe I'm searching for a shred of hope that somewhere deep inside of her she wants to see me change and for us to work. Albeit very deep inside because the things she has said to me these last few months have been atrocious.
But then again she has been "done" since March 29th.
The adage listen to nothing they say is so true. They are angry, hurt, emotional, and it's the absolute hardest thing for a woman to give up on marriage. They will say the worst thing in the world that can be brought up, but really they just want to feel better. However, we can't do it for them still. I'm not preaching, but I'm getting closer to just putting it in Gods hands, let him deal with it, while I go forward. Whatever you choose, just do it for you, no kids, no W, just you.
I liken the change process to exercising.
Many people, myself included, decide that they need to start exercising. So we get all gung ho and jump in with both feet. What happened with me is that I was very sore from overdoing it. I was getting discouraged when I didn't 38 pounds in the first week.
I started off on the treadmill and added in the elliptical machine. What I was doing was over doing it when I needed to take a different approach.
So, what I did was start off at 2 minutes on elliptical and 30 minutes on the treadmill. Every week I added time to each routine. Before I knew it I was doing an hour on the treadmill and 15 minutes on the elliptical. I wasn't sore anymore. I worked my way into it.
I see people here on DB doing the same thing. Too much change at once is tough to maintain. Our intentions are good but our approach is flawed.
Stop looking for a reaction from your W. Limit the conversation to the essential minimums.
Repeat this to yourself often... STFU. STFU. STFU.
Nodding and waving are acceptable communication.
"Show her unconditional love by accepting her feelings for being her feelings and realizing that I cannot control her feelings..." You need to do this without saying too much of anything. Saying anything might result in less than desirable results.
Your reaction to most anything she says could be the ol' smile and wave.
There are too many mistakes that we all made or will make in our sitches. A wise person knows that they need to learn from other people's pain instead of their own.
Vilifying me with no accountability for herself.
Hey, Pot... Meet Kettle...
Being delusional about thinking that if she files for divorce that she just goes on living in the house that I pay for as a single stay at home mom.
And you are going to stop this how? Stop being so freaking judgmental. Why is that thought so delusional? Because you think so?
There is literally no rational thought.
Defined by who?
My family thinks she is unhinged.
It doesn't matter what they think.
Vilifying me with no accountability for herself.
Hey, Pot... Meet Kettle...
Being delusional about thinking that if she files for divorce that she just goes on living in the house that I pay for as a single stay at home mom.
And you are going to stop this how? Stop being so freaking judgmental. Why is that thought so delusional? Because you think so?
There is literally no rational thought.
Defined by who?
My family thinks she is unhinged.
It doesn't matter what they think.
Cas. I understand you are showing tough love but I disagree with you.
I am FULLY accountable for my part.
As far as the stay at home mom and her staying in the house: It's not delusional because I think so. It is delusional because I have consulted with an attorney who laid out what post divorce will look like. So it's really just legal fact. Not my opinion. So yes, it is a fantasy.
The other two points are taken. Those are simply a matter of perspective. But the first two points....cannot be argued.
But it's neither here nor there. I'm not trying to be argumentative but the first two points rubbed me a little bit because I am accountable for my part. Probably overly accountable because I am blaming myself for everything. And the other point is just the legal facts of how things will shake out. I'm not Donald Trump. The amount of money I make will make alimony payments so small that it will be impossible for her to live off of. The judge will rule her able to work. I have every legal right to return to and stay in the home anytime I choose because I did not leave of my own free will, and I am the sole financial provider. These are just legal facts that I received during a consultation.
I obviously don't want it to get to that point. But that is the way it would be should it get to that point. She would go from full time stay at home mom to full time worker and part time parent. And that would suck and I don't want it to happen.
Here's my reflection from Day 1 of the LRT. I made it through the day successfully.
No R talk. No phone calls. No pressure. Pickup and drop off interaction were light and positive.
Right now I believe this has to be my #1 goal: leave her completely alone in terms of any pressuring or pursuing behavior.
She has said that she will only guarantee that she will "think about" possibly giving a reconciliation attempt. My promise was to stop bothering her about it.
First day was hard but I did it.
Tomorrow is Day 2 and I WILL NOT backslide.
I will continue to treat her with kindness at all times. Focus on being the best Dad I can be and continue to be helpful around my house when I am there.
I know I need to GAL but right now it's going to take all my effort to not pursue as this has been my major backslide so far.
Talk to everyone tomorrow.
Morning everyone. Well. I'm awake. I'm miserable.
Forgot to mention this. Last night during pickup I was helping W get the kids things into the car. My son said excitedly "Dad you're coming with us!!!!"....as in Dad you're coming home.
Wife heard it.
I'm not surprised that you are miserable. You are giving your wife way too much head space w/o paying any rent. I realize you are very new to the game of separation, but you've got to start trying to focus on other things. Don't think for one minute she doesn't know what you are feeling and doing. She knows you so very well and she also knows that you are going to backslide because you aren't strong enough to leave things well enough alone. Prove her wrong. Show her that you are a strong, able-bodied man who can live on his own, do things on his own and go out and enjoy life a bit. Nothing says you need to have a date on your arm. Go to the movies, café, library, etc. In other words, you need to start GALing, one step at a time. Did you get that rubber band I told you to get? Well, if you didn't, you better get it and start snapping it.
As for your son's comment, he's a child and children do say some of the cutest things and don't think for one minute your wife didn't take notice of the comment. Will it change her mind, nope.
So, what's on your agenda today? Work for part of the day and then spending time w/the kids? Have you thought about what you are going to do w/them this afternoon? Make a plan and take them OUT for a bit. Give your wife something to think about when you do this. Let her see that you and the kiddies are having a blast OUT in the world.
Now, get that rubber band and snap it to remind you that there is more to life than fretting over your wife.
I'm trying Job. Baby steps.
Did you and hope see my question from last night? Do I have a chance in your opinion?
I'm asking you from a woman's perspective. It's back a little bit on the thread. I think the previous page.
Yes, I saw your question. There is always hope, but you've got to listen and respect her wishes in order for your changes to be stronger in reconciling...but again, at this time...the jury is out on what she's going to do and since I don't actually know what is going thru her mind right now other than being angry, I'm going to sit back and observe for a while before I form an opinion.
Baby steps, i.e., one minute at a time, one hour at a time and one little teeny weeny step at a time.
I guess that is why leaving her alone is my key 180 right now.
Not a woman, but Ill add my $0.02.
Everyone on here has a chance with their spouse. You've been married a while; had kids together...there's something in you that she has strong feelings for. But think about it as if her feelings of love for you are a needle - and everything that you've done to hurt her is like throwing more hay onto that needle. Every time you contact her, pressure her, get mad at her etc is just taking more hay and piling it up. So now, of course she can't see that love for you any more. And frankly, she doesn't want to take the time to look for it.
So, you need to give her reasons to START looking. You need to do the 180s, you need to leave her alone, you need to actually go out and GAL - for you. She's not going to start digging through that haystack while you're watching her. You need to detach and go out and live a life you like and work on finding ways to make you happy.
Of course, there is no guarantee she will ever find the needle again. The best we all can hope for is that the S will at least start looking. What we CAN control is much more hay we throw onto the pile.
I think that the biggest thing she will be looking out now is: can I leave her alone for two months like I promised and stick to kids and finances. And during that time can I remain kind and keep showing positive change.
I'm not surprised that you are miserable. You are giving your wife way too much head space w/o paying any rent. I realize you are very new to the game of separation, but you've got to start trying to focus on other things. Don't think for one minute she doesn't know what you are feeling and doing. She knows you so very well and she also knows that you are going to backslide because you aren't strong enough to leave things well enough alone. Prove her wrong. Show her that you are a strong, able-bodied man who can live on his own, do things on his own and go out and enjoy life a bit. Nothing says you need to have a date on your arm. Go to the movies, café, library, etc. In other words, you need to start GALing, one step at a time. Did you get that rubber band I told you to get? Well, if you didn't, you better get it and start snapping it.
As for your son's comment, he's a child and children do say some of the cutest things and don't think for one minute your wife didn't take notice of the comment. Will it change her mind, nope.
So, what's on your agenda today? Work for part of the day and then spending time w/the kids? Have you thought about what you are going to do w/them this afternoon? Make a plan and take them OUT for a bit. Give your wife something to think about when you do this. Let her see that you and the kiddies are having a blast OUT in the world.
Now, get that rubber band and snap it to remind you that there is more to life than fretting over your wife.
Job you couldn't be more right from what you said about her "knowing I will backslide".
When we talked two days ago and I asked if I promised to leave her alone for two months and could we possibly consider trying to reconcile she changed her tune from I'm done and filing to I will think about it.
She's testing me I think. She's waiting for me to slip up. To call her or text her to talk about us. To ask if she's really thinking about it. I have to prove her wrong especially in this area.
YES YOU CAN. It won't be easy, but this is your challenge...you can do this!!!!
It is not just restraint we are talking about...real / lasting change is what it will take here.
You have a challenge and if you really put your mind to it, you can beat this challenge. When the two months are up, do not have any discussions about the relationship or divorce. Let it go. Show this woman that you are a man who can meet the challenge and take it far and beyond what he says he will do.
The changes you make have to become permanent. The changes are for YOU and they are not being made to win her back. She will test you to see if you have really changed or if you are trying to manipulate her into thinking you've truly changed.
You can do this...but you need to make up your mind that you are going to do it and stick to your word.
What kind of tests should I expect? I was thinking the same thing. Let two months come and go.....
Your wife will push your buttons for sure to see if you are going to react the same way you always have...this is ground zero on $hit tests.
I think that the biggest thing she will be looking out now is: can I leave her alone for two months like I promised and stick to kids and finances. And during that time can I remain kind and keep showing positive change.
I don't know how many times we all can say the same thing. This IS NOT THE BIGGEST THING. The biggest thing is you getting your own life and not focusing on what she wants. You can't do something with the thought that she might be watching. You can't TRICK her. You can't MANIPULATE her. You can't CONTROL her. If you make changes to try to get your marriage back, they won't last or you'll find yourself unhappy with who you've become.
THIS PROCESS IS FOR YOU.
The purpose is to become a better you and then see if your M will work.
It is not about becoming the person your W thinks she wants to be married to.
I think that you're getting a lot of great advice, but the tenor of your posts is still all about your W. This isn't a "I'm going to leave my wife alone for the next 58 days as a challenge to myself." It is "I'm going to do something to make myself a better person every day". And the hope is that in 58, 98, or 908 days, your W will notice and accept who you've become as her new partner.
Now, yes, leaving her alone for 58 days is important. And you should do that. But I'm guessing if you stroll up to her place on day 59 and say "I did it, let's talk" and haven't REALLY put in the other work, you are not going to get the results you are looking for.
Matt. Working in me is getting back to my pre-depression self. That's it. That is my "self improvement" and my self focus. That is who I need to be no matter how this shakes out.
Day two was successful. Still at my house with the kids. She'll be back so and I'll leave. Left her the hell alone accept for kids and finances.
Started my increased dose of anti depressants this week.
Ate 3 times today
Worked. Had fun with my kids. Worked out.
I have a strange sense of calm this evening that I haven't felt yet. Like I'm realizing that I have to let her go. At least in my mind....
Matt. Working in me is getting back to my pre-depression self. That's it. That is my "self improvement" and my self focus. That is who I need to be no matter how this shakes out.
Why stop there...how bout shooting for an even better you, someone you've always dreamed you could be, do stuff you never had time or energy for!
A great suggestion Sir. I'm starting to catch on. I'll post an update on today shortly. It was a successful day.
Ok guys. Day #2 in the books. I was miserable when I woke up this morning but as the day went on today was easier than yesterday.
Went to work. Worked out. Ate 3 times (I've lost like 10 pounds in 2 months and I'm a thin guy so this is not a good thing).
DBing was successful today. I really started to think about the fact that I can be ok without her. Do I totally believe it yet? No. But I felt an odd sense of comfort as the day wore on.
I've decided that my self improvement does not need to be complicated. I simply am working toward being the pre-depression me. And as Matt pointed out, take it even further
Here are a couple of interesting developments from my W's behavior today that took me by surprise. Now I'm not overly excited so please don't think I am. But I wanted to share these with the board.
First was when she texted me while I was at work and asked what time I would be over. We had already discussed it 2 days ago so I answered back that "We already decided I would be there from 4-730. I'm still at work".
And to my surprise she responded with an "I'm sorry. I must have forgotten". Apology is very out of character.
Then, when I got there this afternoon, I had told her a few days ago I would take care of the lawn today which is something I've been doing to help out (just because it's a normal behavior of the old me). So before she leaves she says to me "I know you said you'd cut the lawn but I don't care if you do or not".
So after she left, I replaced the spool on the weed wacker which needed replacing, mowed the front and back and did the trimming. Then I played with the kids, made dinner, played some more etc all the way till bedtime for the squirts.
Then I notice that 730 comes and goes. And I'm thinking to myself that she's just staying out past our agreed upon time to test me to see if I say something. Around 750 to my surprise I get a text from her. She had gone to the beach to read for the afternoon. She texted "I'm sorry. It is so light out I didn't realize what time it was. I'll be home in 15 minutes". Again, an out of character apology. So I just go about my business and don't even answer the text.
Then she gets home and I walk out of the house to meet her outside before I go just to say goodbye. Again she apologizes for being late. I handle it with class and a smile and say no big deal. So I walk her to the door and kind of give her a rundown on some things about the kids. And I tell her that I replaced the spool....she looks taken aback in a good way and says that the wire wasn't the right size (obviously she had tried). So I winked at her and said I got it to work. She looked pleasantly surprised.
Then here is the kicker....she starts a conversation with me asking me if I liked the flowers that were out front that her and the kids had picked up at home depot. So we have a light little chat about that. And then before I leave she thanks me for cutting the lawn.
Then a pleasant goodnight from me and I leave.
I almost fell over at the apologies and the fact that she initiated a small conversation with me.
Just a bit of advice. I know others have said it, but don't focus on 2 months. Focus on doing well tomorrow. Your 2 months maybe her 4 months, or if you do well and she sees something it could be shorter. But if you keep focusing on the 2 months and no change in her what then? I'm not saying it's not going to work either. Just keep an eye on tomorrow, if we can make it one day the next is easier. I think it has to be on her time frame, but keep up the work.
I'm not focused on the two months: only reason thread is called that is because of conversation with W 3 days ago. She was "done" and was going to file because I was pressuring her.
I asked her if I backed off for a couple of months if she would finally compromise with me and follow through on the promise she made to me back in November of making an attempt to reconcile. She told me the only guarantee she would give me was that she would "think about it".
I'm expecting it to take longer and am focusing on continues self improvement combined with giving her space. But that's why the thread says two months.
Don't ask her to reconcile, it'll frighten her away.
Job you out there today? Wondering your thoughts and feedback from my recap of yesterday.
So you filed but do you actually want the divorce? I just keep wondering why she doesn't just pull the trigger?
No, I do not want a divorce. But I am not going to live the rest of my life being married to man who is selfish and self centered.
A part of me wants to pull the trigger and move forward with the divorce and I am not sure why I don't just do it. Maybe because I have hope that he will wake up soon.
So you filed but do you actually want the divorce? I just keep wondering why she doesn't just pull the trigger?
No, I do not want a divorce. But I am not going to live the rest of my life being married to man who is selfish and self centered.
A part of me wants to pull the trigger and move forward with the divorce and I am not sure why I don't just do it. Maybe because I have hope that he will wake up soon.
I hope your husband does wake up and give you what you deserve and hope my wife sees that I have woken up and will give her what she deserves
Job you out there today? Wondering your thoughts and feedback from my recap of yesterday.
My thoughts are that you are starting to make some progress.
Keep remembering that DB'ing is counter intuitive and that the focus remains on YOU and your children!
So, yesterday went well from what you posted. The interactions between your wife and you went well. The reason everything went smoothly is because you weren't acting like a whiny, needy man. I'm glad she apologized to you for being late and forgetful. That's a start in the right direction...but she could flip again at any time. So, don't build up your expectations on those two interactions. You still will need to be consistent and stay the course.
Pointing out and discussing the flower purchase was her way of seeking validation and affirmation. She wants you to notice the things that she's doing around the home. I hope you paid her a nice compliment on them. When she does little things that are nice, compliment her on them.
I'm not surprised that she was more settled yesterday. Why? Because you weren't pressuring her about the relationship and divorce. Stay the course and keep your mouth shut about them.
Your old marriage is dead. A friendship is what starts any relationship and that means treating her as a friend and not your wife for now.
So, today is a new day...time to find something fun, interesting and/or new to do when you get off work. Time to pick up a book and read it or find a good movie and watch it. You need something in your life besides being over at your house all of the time. You need take on some "me" time to explore who you actually are.
Yes job I did pay her a compliment on how nice I thought the flowers looked.
Today is a little harder than yesterday. To be expected. Jus had a little breakdown but I'll get through it.
I will not backslide.
That is a fine goal...BUT, if it happens, learn from it and get back to work. We are not perfect!
Hope. What sorts of things, if your husband came out of his fog, would allow you to like him again? Trust him again?
Just curious to hear from the other side of the coin.
BE
Just caught up on your sitch and am happy that you see you need to back off .... and like you have been 2x4'd with .. putting that 2 month time frame on it was a mistake one I think you have understood .. atleast I hope you have.
Here is a little piece of advice, I have been at this .. what .. almost 19 months now ... yes ... that is not a typo .. 19 long tough months. I made a huge mistake in putting a time frame on things, however I did not find this place until 8 months after the BD.
The one thing I take out of your sitch is the dependency, the feeling of .. "ok if I leave you alone for 2 months then will you love me" ... NO .. stop that. I get detachment is tough and it stinks, believe me I have no stage to tell you to detach because I still struggle with it. You so have to start getting yourself right because she will test you now, both consciously and unconsciously ... point being .. being late, apologizing because she was most likely expecting you to ask where she was, with who, why she was late and if you did you know she would have blasted your little kayak out of the water. You past the first little test, there will be more and if you are not at a place where it does not bug you .... I fear your poker face (Which needs work) is going to sell you out ... I am telling you this from experience, these things set me back a bit.
So ... now that you know its more than 2 months .. infact you need to keep at this till she comes to you remorseful and wanting to do anything to work on the M, till she chases YOU. You now have to dive into some GAL things to keep you off the field and out of her game ... This is the tricky part .. and even when she wants to work on things these same GALs will save you when you need to step back and think about things.
For example, I joined a church group once a week, go riding on the Harley I bought .. for me (180).. softball once a week, when I have S 3 times a week we do homework, I cook, we also go to the park/batting cages/movies .. That leaves me with 1 night I do not have anything planned and I end up cleaning, laundry, that type of thing.
Things may get better for you .. or they may get worse, there are changes to make regardless ... time to use this period and focus less on her, more on you.
That is a fine goal...BUT, if it happens, learn from it and get back to work. We are not perfect!
I've already had too many an have learned that they only make the situation worse. No matter how hard this is I am not going to backslide.
Never say never. No matter how determined you are not to backslide, you will. It's not a perfect world out there and there will be times when you accidently do something that will create a backslide. Learn to accept that you are only human and we humans make mistakes. That's why God put erasers on pencils. No one is perfect except the man upstairs.
Job you are the best. You were so right that leaving her alone when it comes to us is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Ever.
BE
Just caught up on your sitch and am happy that you see you need to back off .... and like you have been 2x4'd with .. putting that 2 month time frame on it was a mistake one I think you have understood .. atleast I hope you have.
Here is a little piece of advice, I have been at this .. what .. almost 19 months now ... yes ... that is not a typo .. 19 long tough months. I made a huge mistake in putting a time frame on things, however I did not find this place until 8 months after the BD.
The one thing I take out of your sitch is the dependency, the feeling of .. "ok if I leave you alone for 2 months then will you love me" ... NO .. stop that. I get detachment is tough and it stinks, believe me I have no stage to tell you to detach because I still struggle with it. You so have to start getting yourself right because she will test you now, both consciously and unconsciously ... point being .. being late, apologizing because she was most likely expecting you to ask where she was, with who, why she was late and if you did you know she would have blasted your little kayak out of the water. You past the first little test, there will be more and if you are not at a place where it does not bug you .... I fear your poker face (Which needs work) is going to sell you out ... I am telling you this from experience, these things set me back a bit.
So ... now that you know its more than 2 months .. infact you need to keep at this till she comes to you remorseful and wanting to do anything to work on the M, till she chases YOU. You now have to dive into some GAL things to keep you off the field and out of her game ... This is the tricky part .. and even when she wants to work on things these same GALs will save you when you need to step back and think about things.
For example, I joined a church group once a week, go riding on the Harley I bought .. for me (180).. softball once a week, when I have S 3 times a week we do homework, I cook, we also go to the park/batting cages/movies .. That leaves me with 1 night I do not have anything planned and I end up cleaning, laundry, that type of thing.
Things may get better for you .. or they may get worse, there are changes to make regardless ... time to use this period and focus less on her, more on you.
Thanks Cali.
Hope. What sorts of things, if your husband came out of his fog, would allow you to like him again? Trust him again?
Just curious to hear from the other side of the coin.
I wish my H would notice the little things, but he doesn't.
He will have to earn my trust. Being transparent is a very good start. He was transparent about some things such as he received an email from an ex-girlfriend, he told me about it. Which that happened a couple of times and he asked me how he should handle that and I told him do not reply back. I assume he didn't. So he was earning my trust back, but then I snooped and found other text messages to his co-worker about me and that destroyed everything, at least for me.
Sounds like you are on the right track. Keep it up and you will see her take notice. I wish my H would.
I hope so for you too hope. Thank you for your help and support. For me it was literally a one time never before never since very brief thing.
It is the thing I am most ashamed of in my entire life.
I'm having a really down day today. Positives are I went to work. I've exercised and I've eaten twice.
W told me yesterday she was probably taking the kids to the beach today after my son got home from school. Which bummed me out because I always see them Sunday through Thursday. Last night I just smiled and said ok let me know.
I didn't initiate any contact with her today at all.
She texted me about an hour ago to let me know that they were going to go to the beach and probably wouldn't be home until bath / bed time but she would let me know if that changed. She said otherwise she would see me tomorrow at 2:30 (she has a dentist appt tomorrow at 3).
I responded and let her know that I would like to see them today even if it were only briefly and thanked her for keeping me in the loop. I then let her know that my son and I had talked yesterday about needing some guy time. Just me and him. He loves to read and wants to just go to the library just he and I without his little sister. I made mention of this to my wife and said maybe she could come home after her dentist appt to watch our daughter so he and I could go and do that.
And I just left it at that.
As I am dipping my toes these first 3 days of really giving her space I'm just allowing her to lead the dance. Letting her dictate the pace and content of the contact.
I'm really, really down in the dumps today but I'm succeeding in not letting her know that in any way shape or form. In fact, I'm crying right now as I type this. But I knew this would be hard so I just have to keep working at getting stronger during my alone time. Keep consistent in my behaviors around her as far as keeping every interaction positive, being a great father and being helpful around my home without asking or seeking recognition and continuing to work my butt off to provide financial security.
I know that DBing is about us, not them. I'm understanding that now and I'm working hard to get there but I'm just not there yet. For right now, it is taking all the energy I have to stay positive around her and to leave the R talk be and give her space.
I hope deep inside that she has something in her that she is not revealing that has made her hesitant to go through with the D. I'm hoping that she is ultimately going to give us another chance. But it's out of my hands.
Ultimately I want to be a great father. And I want to be a great husband....but that is for her to decide if she wants that again.
Thank you to everyone for their continued support.
With my depressive nature this is very difficult for me to deal with from an emotional standpoint. I have upped my meds but it will take a few weeks for the increased doses to kick in.
BE
We all have had the bad days .. the Meh days ... but you must know that even in the storm there are good days .. 'ok' days. Its a process.
I was there, I vividly recall waking up and looking out the window not wanting to get out of bed for some time, but I did get up, I got out and felt jsut a little better. The more I let go of things I could not control, I felt a little better. Sure there were days I felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest ... times I broke down.
I read somewhere that when you suffer enough, change is inevitable ... so much truth in that, I know without all the pain I felt, went through, swallowed .. I would have never changed. I read a bunch of books, DR DB both .. amongst others, books that helped me, made me realize there are/were tons of guys out there like us .. we never asked for this .. but in a way we should have, as 'this' has made me into a better man, better father ... and who knows .. given the chance possibly a better husband.
Keep at the dim, I would suggest if she says she is taking the kids somewhere and will not get back .. put on your fake face and tell her to have a great time with the children, leave it there ... go do something .. I have shared once that W was late picking up S, I was decked out ... drove her nuts knowing I was waiting on her so I could go do my plans .. even got a TM saying "Hope she is worth it" ... I never said where I was going, nor with who ... truth is I got dressed up to grab a movie from redbox. lol.
I know you want to see your kids, but if she has em, let her take em .. go do SOMETHING and act as if it does not bother you ... the line " I then let her know that my son and I had talked yesterday about needing some guy time. Just me and him." ... small 2x4 .. I get it .. but its timing .. you replied to this after she let you know she was going to take them, you should have expressed this before that ... but given the fact you are a chronic pursuer .. this comes off a little in the chasing/needy category. Just my perspective
I know you want your kids, I get that ... I am the same way. Truth be told S LOVES to be with me, I am fun, W is often checked out ... I do not pursue this, I actually had to at times limit her using me as the babysitter. Sure I want S as much as I can have him .. but think big picture here... I am fighting for my M and family .. for the chance to wake up everyday with S and W, she has to know what life without you might be like ... because right now, she knows she could have you back in a second ... so why would she change her mind, not check out snd see whats out there since there is no risk in losing you? Sometimes you have to drop rope and do your thing, really do it for them to realize they might just actually want you too.
I am so proud of you for recognizing your part in the marriage. My H admitted to everything but he does not show remorse for his behavior. But you do and you are taking the necessary steps to win your W back and earn her trust. If you stick with your changes, I believe you will succeed. And if you don't, then it is her loss.
Thanks Cali. I'm feeling better now. I appreciate the feedback on the text interaction. I'm still learning the ropes but am much better than I was even just a week ago.
That last bit by Cali is what I worry about for you right now. You're watching the kids so she can read on the beach or go to the dentist? And you're mowing the lawn and cleaning her house? Why WOULDNT she string you along for months with that kind of service.
I get it. The kids are important. You want/need to see them and you and they deserve that. But I really think you need to start making yourself more unavailable somehow.
I agree w/CaliGuy's posting because it is spot on. You have to give a little in order to get something bigger in return. I get it that you want to see your children, but there are going to be times when you are going to have to let things be. The kids have been out at the beach today, probably getting home late, need dinner, are tired and cranky, then bath time and then to bed. I think this was one of those days when you could have just wished them a fun time and told your wife you would see them tomorrow. As for the male bonding stuff w/your son...that might have been something you should have mentioned to your wife yesterday or even tomorrow when you visit w/the kids. It could have been something that you and your wife could have planned out for later in the week w/you doing the male bonding w/your son and your wife doing something w/your daughter.
There are going to be times when you need to drop the rope and allow things to just be.
Now, I'm going to also state that I agree w/Matt's posting. How is your wife ever going to miss you if you are there all of the time? She's got it made! She's got you coming over every week day to see the kids and while you are there, you are mowing the lawn, fixing things, etc. She's not going to miss you one bit w/you still there except for bed time. You've got to start taking the kids out, away from the home and do things w/them. You've got to leave the grass alone and allow her to get out there and mow it for a change. Really...how is she going to miss you if you are there, front and center all of the time?
BEClem, I know you love your kids, but you also have to have a life too. The only way that your wife is going to miss you is if you slowly cease doing all of those husbandly chores for her. She needs to learn to take care of herself for a change. Time to do some 180's and leave the home owner chores alone for a bit. Time for you to take back your life and allow her to live hers for a bit, which includes your wife doing things for herself.
I am so proud of you for recognizing your part in the marriage. My H admitted to everything but he does not show remorse for his behavior. But you do and you are taking the necessary steps to win your W back and earn her trust. If you stick with your changes, I believe you will succeed. And if you don't, then it is her loss.
Hope. Thank you so much. I was in such a fog for about 5 years. It was a combination of a lot of things that caused my depression. Some PTSD from my time in the Marine Corps (2001-2005), having to declare bankruptcy in 2008, Son being born in 2008, W and I and Son moving back to New Jersey in 2009 after W and I had been living out of state for 8 years, having to live with my parents (me wife and son) for 18 months, not being able to find a good job, finding a great job, finally moving into our own place again and then getting laid off 13 months later, daughter being born.....the list goes on and on. And my brief (and I mean like met her twice brief) EA was just another symptom of that fog.
It truly took realizing that I was going to loose my family for me to come out of it. I'm so sad and regretful because I became the complete opposite of who I was my entire life. As my wife said as recently as three days ago "She has ptsd from the last 5 years and I became someone she never imagined I could ever become".
I'm shell shocked these last two months because in November it was like "ok, I'll go stay at my mom and dad's for three months, we'll cool off and then I'll come home and we'll get back to working on things". Yeah, didn't turn out that way at all. The problem I realize now is that I was still in my fog for those three months. Just hanging out. Waiting to go home and expecting my W to work on her part. Without looking at my part or even realizing that I was part of the problem. Boy have my eyes opened up when I found out that not only was this not going to be a temp sep. She was "done" and there was no chance of reconciliation. That was on March 29th. I have been a mess ever since but literally the very next day it was like I woke up from this haze I had been in for 5 years. I hit the bottom and bounced off of it.
My son and I were talking about things the other day. He is very, very intelligent. Sometimes we'll talk about what's going on just so he understands it and can deal with it a little bit better. And believe me when I say that I NEVER make my wife out to be the bad guy. But he said to me the other day he was going to be an inventor. So as we were talking we talked about inventing a time machine. He said he'd like to travel to the future. I said cool. I told him I'd like to be able to travel to the past....6 years old and he says to me "so that way we could stop all this from happening right Dad?"
God I feel like I missed so much. I wish I could travel back in time. But I can't. I can only go forward.
That last bit by Cali is what I worry about for you right now. You're watching the kids so she can read on the beach or go to the dentist? And you're mowing the lawn and cleaning her house? Why WOULDNT she string you along for months with that kind of service.
I get it. The kids are important. You want/need to see them and you and they deserve that. But I really think you need to start making yourself more unavailable somehow.
Matt. Unavailable would be "more of the same" for me. That is what triggered all of this. I "checked out". Not everyone's sich's are the same.
If I just continue to be "checked out" is that really self improvement? Is that really getting back to the real, pre-depression me?
No. It's continuing to be a guy that just disappears.
I don't look at it as her house. It is our house. And I have a responsibility to do my part.
I'm telling you, if I just check out that is the worst thing I can do.
I agree w/CaliGuy's posting because it is spot on. You have to give a little in order to get something bigger in return. I get it that you want to see your children, but there are going to be times when you are going to have to let things be. The kids have been out at the beach today, probably getting home late, need dinner, are tired and cranky, then bath time and then to bed. I think this was one of those days when you could have just wished them a fun time and told your wife you would see them tomorrow. As for the male bonding stuff w/your son...that might have been something you should have mentioned to your wife yesterday or even tomorrow when you visit w/the kids. It could have been something that you and your wife could have planned out for later in the week w/you doing the male bonding w/your son and your wife doing something w/your daughter.
There are going to be times when you need to drop the rope and allow things to just be.
Now, I'm going to also state that I agree w/Matt's posting. How is your wife ever going to miss you if you are there all of the time? She's got it made! She's got you coming over every week day to see the kids and while you are there, you are mowing the lawn, fixing things, etc. She's not going to miss you one bit w/you still there except for bed time. You've got to start taking the kids out, away from the home and do things w/them. You've got to leave the grass alone and allow her to get out there and mow it for a change. Really...how is she going to miss you if you are there, front and center all of the time?
BEClem, I know you love your kids, but you also have to have a life too. The only way that your wife is going to miss you is if you slowly cease doing all of those husbandly chores for her. She needs to learn to take care of herself for a change. Time to do some 180's and leave the home owner chores alone for a bit. Time for you to take back your life and allow her to live hers for a bit, which includes your wife doing things for herself.
Guys. I'm telling you that if I do that this will not work. My wife is very independent. And guess who did all that stuff while I was checked out: her. Whereas I used to be fully helpful and available pre-depression.
Please. Trust me on this one. If I just stop doing all that stuff it is "more of the same".
Yes. I have to get a life. Yes, I have to get the children out of the house.
But I ceased being a husband while I was depressed. I stopped doing all the things I used to do. Doing these things now is a 180. It is a change to the real me. And I'm doing them because I want to do them. Not because she wants me to do them.
Please trust me on the being helpful thing.
Please. You want to know what she figured out during those first 3 months of what was supposed to be our 3 month "temp sep".
She figured out she didn't miss me. She didn't need me. My W is not a girly girl. She is fiercely independent. Mows lawns, fixes things, knows how to use tools.
Before I "checked out" we were partners in taking care of the home. Then I left her to take care of the home and the kids.
I cannot go back to that. Please understand that this is not me pandering to her. This is me doing a true 180 and I'm doing it for me because that is who I really am and I refuse to do the "same old behaviors".
BE
I get that doing these things could be 180's ... but you do have to see how being that close is not good for your detachment ... and by detachment I am not talking physically .. for you .. emotional detachment.
If your W gives you the boot, but you are there as Lawn service, Maid, Babysitter ... that is great, for HER, you are still not her H, she fired you .... at some point she needs to realize that you bring quite a bit to the table, you are the prize, you are the guy a fool would leave ... now if you could somehow pull these things off .. say mow the yard while she is out with the kids, then go to the gym or something .. you are doing your duties so to speak but not completely availible.
An example ... I am Mr Fixit .. its a big reason why I am here, I wanted to please W, even more so after BD .. her car would not start .. boom I was there .. iPad was acting up .. I drove 30 minutes just to fix it that night ... then I realized I was helping her, helping OM too ... she gave him all the good stuff and I was only there to make things easy.
She was sick last December, asked for me to pick her up a few things ... I reminded her I was fired from that job, I was certain OM would be more than happy to help her, he was infact Mr Wonderful.
Well the A is and has been over, last week she broke the washer. Let the laundry go as long as she could .. even stated S had no clothes, I sent some with him ... took care of his needs. She asked what she should do, I told her I was busy till the next weekend, gave her the location of the coin laundromat, she wanted me to fix it that night ... nope, I have my GAL's ... sorry ... call Sears.
She waited, did not want to pay, while she was at the coin laundry I went to her place... on my schedule, had it fixed in 30 minutes... and left.
She TM letting me know she just got home putting the laundry away, how it muse stink for me to use the coin laundromat (She took the washer and dryer) and she asked how much Sears would charge her ... I TM her back letting her know I fixed it that morning, Acts of service, on my schedule ... and she realized not having me there to fix things as I do kinda stunk.
So I get you are there as your 180 from what you 'were' ... but were you really that checked out? Is she punishing you, making you jump through hoops ... no WAW will respect a guy who jumps through every hoop she puts out there. You can still do the 180's but I suggest figure out a way she feels your absence ... she did tell you to back off remember?
Just making a point here, many of us did the same. We weren't H's for our W's, we didn't pull our weight in our M. The thing is, when the W has decided they are done with the M, they no longer want those things from us. They don't mind, sometimes, if we do them because it saves them time doing something and they don't have to do anything for it.
If that is all we do then they see it as a desperate attempt to save it. Certain 180's do not work when the W has checked out. The dynamics of our relationships are different so its not always more of the same.
I'm not saying you should or shouldn't do this, if you feel that strongly about it then do what you feel is best for your sitch. I have a similar situation in mine where standing up on firm things and putting pressure on her has a drastic effect. The point in doing those things is to build respect, I found alternate ways to apply small amounts of pressure and the way I handle myself to get the respect. Or so I think.
At the end of the day you are the one living with the results from your actions, but there is truth in what they post above.
Is there any way you can back off on some of it and GAL with kids/let W live her life, you live yours? Try to find some middle ground that works for the advice and what you are comfortable with.
The problem I realize now is that I was still in my fog for those three months. Just hanging out.
Waiting to go home and expecting my W to work on her part.
My H is doing the exact same thing. He is still in a fog.
What woke you up? When I read your story, I feel like I was reading mine. I am lost. I do not know what to do anymore. I have tried talking to him, but it's like talking to the wall.
He wanted us to move back in together this coming up weekend and I told him that he still treats me the same and until I see some kind of improvements, then I am not ready for him to come back. He wants to move back without doing any work.
He is about to lose everything, but yet he doesn't seem fazed by it.
I will def try and find some middle ground guys. What Cal said made sense as far as not physical but emotional attachment and doing things on my time line. Not hers.
Speaking of her. I believe I just had another test thrown my way and am seeking advice on how to handle it before I act.
About a half hour ago, W sent me TM to let me know that her and kids were still out. Went from beach to playground.
She then told me that she had tentative dinner plans tomorrow with three of her girlfriends (she named names and I know all three of them) and that they are trying to work out a time but if it falls through than I can take S out tomorrow afternoon when she gets home from dentist.
Now, what my emotions are telling me to do is to call her and say A) why are you still out with the kids when it is 7pm and it is now our 2 year old daughter's bedtime. And B) don't you think you've gone out with your damn friends while ignoring the heck out of me the last 6 months and isn't our Son and I spending time together more important than that crap? And oh by the way, isn't our marriage more important than all this crap?
But, obviously I am not going to do that.
I have not answered the TM yet. So I am asking: What should I do. Not answer? Or if I do what should I say?
This smells like a test to me.
BE
I get that doing these things could be 180's ... but you do have to see how being that close is not good for your detachment ... and by detachment I am not talking physically .. for you .. emotional detachment.
If your W gives you the boot, but you are there as Lawn service, Maid, Babysitter ... that is great, for HER, you are still not her H, she fired you .... at some point she needs to realize that you bring quite a bit to the table, you are the prize, you are the guy a fool would leave ... now if you could somehow pull these things off .. say mow the yard while she is out with the kids, then go to the gym or something .. you are doing your duties so to speak but not completely availible.
An example ... I am Mr Fixit .. its a big reason why I am here, I wanted to please W, even more so after BD .. her car would not start .. boom I was there .. iPad was acting up .. I drove 30 minutes just to fix it that night ... then I realized I was helping her, helping OM too ... she gave him all the good stuff and I was only there to make things easy.
She was sick last December, asked for me to pick her up a few things ... I reminded her I was fired from that job, I was certain OM would be more than happy to help her, he was infact Mr Wonderful.
Well the A is and has been over, last week she broke the washer. Let the laundry go as long as she could .. even stated S had no clothes, I sent some with him ... took care of his needs. She asked what she should do, I told her I was busy till the next weekend, gave her the location of the coin laundromat, she wanted me to fix it that night ... nope, I have my GAL's ... sorry ... call Sears.
She waited, did not want to pay, while she was at the coin laundry I went to her place... on my schedule, had it fixed in 30 minutes... and left.
She TM letting me know she just got home putting the laundry away, how it muse stink for me to use the coin laundromat (She took the washer and dryer) and she asked how much Sears would charge her ... I TM her back letting her know I fixed it that morning, Acts of service, on my schedule ... and she realized not having me there to fix things as I do kinda stunk.
So I get you are there as your 180 from what you 'were' ... but were you really that checked out? Is she punishing you, making you jump through hoops ... no WAW will respect a guy who jumps through every hoop she puts out there. You can still do the 180's but I suggest figure out a way she feels your absence ... she did tell you to back off remember?
Yeah Cal. I was that checked out. I have been a completely different person these last 5 years than I was my entire life.
It was bad my friend. Clinical depression is a soul killer.
The problem I realize now is that I was still in my fog for those three months. Just hanging out.
Waiting to go home and expecting my W to work on her part.
My H is doing the exact same thing. He is still in a fog.
What woke you up? When I read your story, I feel like I was reading mine. I am lost. I do not know what to do anymore. I have tried talking to him, but it's like talking to the wall.
He wanted us to move back in together this coming up weekend and I told him that he still treats me the same and until I see some kind of improvements, then I am not ready for him to come back. He wants to move back without doing any work.
He is about to lose everything, but yet he doesn't seem fazed by it.
Hope. I feel for you. I really do. Is your husband depressed?
And to answer your question: It took my wife telling me she was done and me realizing that she meant it that woke me up.
The reason I asked if he is depressed is because like I've said, it is a soul killer and needs to be treated.
Going through a depression is unexplainable unless you've experienced it.
When I was at my worst: I felt nothing. No emotions. I functioned from the standpoint that I ate. I slept. I worked. But I shut everyone out. I mean EVERYONE.
I decided to not answer that text message at all. I didn't know what to do so I just did nothing.
I decided to not answer that text message at all. I didn't know what to do so I just did nothing.
Good choice.
Sometimes doing nothing is an action
I understand depression very well. He is on medication for depression.
I thought me telling him that I filed for a divorce would wake him up, but it didn't. Maybe if I just continue with the divorce and have him serve, maybe that will wake him up. I doubt it.
I thought me telling him that I filed for a divorce would wake him up, but it didn't. Maybe if I just continue with the divorce and have him serve, maybe that will wake him up. I doubt it.
He will wake up on his own own schedule not yours.
I understand depression very well. He is on medication for depression.
I thought me telling him that I filed for a divorce would wake him up, but it didn't. Maybe if I just continue with the divorce and have him serve, maybe that will wake him up. I doubt it.
Hope. Have you ever gone with him to his appointments or therapy sessions? Been proactively involved in his recovery / management?
The only reason I ask is because for me: and this is taking the focus off of myself and onto my wife for a moment: that is something she never did. She just kind of tossed me aside.
The only reason I said that is to give you the perspective of the depressed spouse. Like for me my wife tells me that I abandoned her during her greatest time of need with two young children. Which there is truth to that. However, she also abandoned me during my greatest time of need.
I know we don't blame shift but that's not the purpose of this post.
I decided to not answer that text message at all. I didn't know what to do so I just did nothing.
Good choice.
Sometimes doing nothing is an action
I decided to not answer that text message at all. I didn't know what to do so I just did nothing.
Good choice.
Sometimes doing nothing is an action
Thanks Cadet.
Hope I find our sitch's to be ironic in a way: if your husband had my attitude and my wife had yours we'd both be out of the woods.
I hope that you can get some rest this evening. You've had a rough day of doing something different, i.e., responding to her text messages w/questions, etc. You did good.
Now, a friendly reminder, you need to start a new thread. I am your 114th poster.