My husband and I have not talked in over 4 months. The road that got us where we are today is very long and complicated. He has been living in another state because of a job he took 3 years ago. Our R has been rocky for about the past year. We have also had previous issues in our M about 12 years ago. I actually used DB during that time and we were able to get through it.
Just wondering if I should try to begin a conversation with him or wait for him to make the first move. In the past 4 months, I have texted him twice and left one VM on his phone, but he hasn't responded. He sent me an email in April after he signed our tax documents that said he was going to call me in a couple of days because it was time for us to "sort things out". I never answered that email and he never called me. It is now almost the end of May.
There is one additional time that he sent an email to me and our children to let us know that his dad was diagnosed with bladder cancer. I answered that email by saying how sorry I was for his news and to let me know if there was anyway I could help. So I know he has a lot on his plate right now.
He talks to our kids and they told me that he is going to be traveling overseas for his job and will be gone for about 6 weeks. Should I try to contact him before he leaves or should I wait for him to contact me?
Has anyone gone dark for a long period of time? Just don't want to be doing something that is not working, yet haven't gotten a response previously when I tried to make contact.
Thanks,
Me 53
H 54
D25
S21
M 31
T 33
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
(
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2534754&page=1).
Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Thank you Cadet. I have been reading the info on the links you posted here. they are very helpful.
to answer your question on your title, as long as it takes.
Lord almighty this is a tough spot. I'm so sorry. No one is on the DB forums because things are peachy, yet this is very sad. I don't mean to make it worse, only validate that your 31 years together are so precious, even if they were volatile at times.
I'm not sure you have much of a choice. If he's non-responsive then it really limits your options. You can't force him to communicate. The only question is how many unanswered messages you want to send to him.
What I WOULD recommend is a DB coach. They might guide you into a specific course of action that may not be mainstream (such as writing him a letter that addresses the core of your faults in the M without pursuit, judgment, or expectation), or other tools they have. Most people skim over this, but truly the DB coaches have seen these situations literally thousands of times and know what works and what doesn't in practice, not just theory.
Beyond that I'd recommend reading Cadet's links and of course DB/DR. No quick fixes, and you will need to detach and really learn to rebuild your own life while your H takes his journey.
Keep posting, and it would probably be good to talk to your marital history a bit. Hang in.
Has he actually dropped the bomb on you or is he just an uncommunicative idiot who has just got used to the situation?
Thank you Zeus, it is so sad. It is so difficult for me to understand how someone can tell you one minute they love you and how much you are appreciated, how much you give and do for your family and in a matter of a few month, you are the enemy, you're not even worth a text or a phone call. You basically no longer exist. It blows my mind!
Old Dog,
He has not yet dropped the bomb. I thought he was going to do it in April, when he sent me an email telling me he was going to call me next week because we had to "sort things out" but he never called.
I know I need to be ready with a conversation when he does finally make contact. I guess that's where a DB coach may be able to help, because I'm certainly not saying the right things even though I've tried many times in many different ways.
We went through a similar R crisis about 13 years ago when he went through a MLC. Had an EA with a woman he bought a restaurant with. The restaurant folded and the EA ended. It took us over 5 years to work through that sitch. I worked the original DB and am familiar with the program. But I don't think I did very well with boundaries. Allowed my H to take a job where he was traveling extensively for about 5 years after the restaurant went under and when that ended agreed to let him move to another state to take a job b/c I feared he would be resentful if I asked him not to take the job and stay.
Our current sitch seems to have started when he wanted to buy a house in the other state and I questioned the logic in that if his intent was to find another job and move back home. My understand when he took the job was that it was temporary until he could find something else. He said this was his dream job and he planned to stay another 5 years at least so he was sick of living in an apartment and wanted his own space.
I told him it made me nervous that he wasn't considering coming home for another 5 years he said what do you want me to do? I'm not giving up my job. What is the solution?
After that it gets even more complicated, but this is where I believe the original breakdown occurred.
Sorry, I kind of went on and on.
Any insights from a male perspective would be greatly appreciated. I know the job thing is super important to a male's respect level, etc.
Thank you Zeus, it is so sad. It is so difficult for me to understand how someone can tell you one minute they love you and how much you are appreciated, how much you give and do for your family and in a matter of a few month, you are the enemy, you're not even worth a text or a phone call. You basically no longer exist. It blows my mind!
What makes you think this is about you, he sounds depressed, and he is what I call a vanisher.
Stop focusing on him and worry about YOU.
You didn't break him and can not fix him.
You are right Cadet, it isn't about me. That has been the hardest thing for me to get through my head. So used to "making everything better " and taking everything on myself.
Thanks for the reminder. Keep reminding me if I slip again.
He is depressed and has been for sometime. Part of it has to do with changes to his body, fear of getting old and facing the death of his father and the aging of his mother. Lots of guilt for moving away from them.
I'm interested in your statement, he is what I call a vanisher. Can you expand on that? In your opinion, what makes someone a vanisher? Just trying to understand. I think I read a post that was all about trying to get answers- understanding the "why". I know I may never fully understand, b/c I don't think anyone truly understands why we sometimes do crazy things.
Thank you again for the words of wisdom. It will be my affirmation this week.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
True words of wisdom.The first time I worked the DB program my H discovered the site from the history of our PC. It erased months of hard work. I had to discontinue posting. That was very hard for me.
I am reading both books, they are very helpful. Any additional recommendations for things to read to help me focus on me?
Thanks again.
Did he not ask you to move to the other state with him? Did he come home on regular visits, or just cut it off?
Sandi,
When he first took the job, it was to be temporary so we had agreed to a year of commuting. He did come home on a regular basis for the first two years. Things were good. We had discussed at some point me moving to be with him, until he realized there are NO jobs available unless you want to drive an hour away to a larger city.
I have also been with my company for almost 30 years, so I have a very good job and I'm very well respected in the industry. Not that that matters to me, but we were helping two kids through university, so we really needed the income and benefits.
It has just been this past year that I have noticed my H complaining about commuting, how it's not really working, how I do not do my share of the commuting ( I have done some and have met him in other locations frequently) just nothing that I do is quite enough. In addition, I am responsible for all of the maintenance and care of our home. Last year we had a roof problem that forced me to be at home in case there was inclement weather. And I did all of the work getting contractors to fix the roof and all of the damage to the interior of the home. It took a lot of my time.
I'm not trying to push blame away from me, it was just a busy year with things that were happening beyond my control.
So I'm sorry, that was a very long answer to your question. Believe me, I would gladly give up my position to move to be with him, but now I am very hesitant because nothing I do is quite right or enough (and he isn't asking anymore anyway) and I would br giving up many years and great benefits with my current company to make that move.
Not a long answer, at all. The more information we have, the better we hopefully direct you.
Do you see the same behavior in him being what you saw the last time troubles hit the M?
ViYes, some similar behaviors. Mainly the pulling back, the lack of intimacy when we are together and the walking on egg shells because I'm never quite sure what is going to set him off.
The last time I saw him, I called him on something he kept a secret from me. His brother accidentally told me the truth. My H told me I acted like a big lump all weekend (even though he ignored me and wouldn't talk to me) and that I didn't need to know about everything.
Of course I got hurt and defensive and told him I was sorry he had to deal with a big lump for the past 30 years and that I felt like I no longer had a purpose in his life, the kids are grown and almost on their own, so he was feeling like it's time for him to move on. I either hit a nerve or just ticked him off, b/c those were our last words spoken.
He was taking me to the airport and didn't say another word.
It's interesting, b/c the last two times I made the trip to see him in his space, it was like he was trying to pick a fight with me all weekend. Saying things he knew would bother me. One of the visits, we took a short trip out of town and our son called me on the phone and wanted to talk to me about a lease on an apartment for the following school year. My H talked to him a bit and got angry b/c my son had ideas other than my H about the lease. Then I took the phone and talked to my S and said we could talk more later. I hung up and my H asked me a question about the lease and I said, you know as much as I do, you just end talked to our S. He started screaming at me saying he was sick of the way I talked to him and that I didn't show him any respect. I was dumbfounded. I rarely ever raise my voice. Sometimes I might sound annoyed, but I do not yell. It was like a slap in the face. I think this was my first red flag that things were not going well with him. After that I really tried to be patient, listen and not argue.
In Sept of 2014, we had come to an agreement to separate. It was after a fight we had about him moving back home in May. He made excuses not to come back home for 4 months. I let it go and acted "as if". So when he visited in Sept. I sat him down and we had a very civil discussion. Many things were discussed. He said he only missed me 50% of the time he is away. He also said, a separation wouldn't be the worst thing in the world and I agreed. I had learned from the previous time not to contradict or beg or plead not to go.
So we agreed and he asked if we could still talk everyday and I said no but we could talk on occasion. We went to a movie and he wanted to hold my hand which I thought was weird. Then the following day, he went outside and had a talk with our S and when he came in he said he wanted to talk to me. I said sure. He said he had changed his mind and didn't want to separate. He was going to try to work on some things himself. I was relieved but skeptical.
Sure enough, from Sept to Dec. he was either very distant, or calling me every couple of hours. When he came home for the holidays, he first of all didn't want to go to my brothers house party. I said fine I'll go myself. Then he called me back and said he'd go. He just didn't want to be a bother to me. I told him that was ridiculous. He continued to try to pick fights with me. Unfortunately, We had two kind of heated discussions. I wouldn't say drag out fights, but they were not normal discussions. Then one evening when we went to bed, I asked him if he felt there would ever be any intimacy in our R in the future, b/c there hasn't been any on his part for a long time. He said that that was my fault b/c when we first got married, I one time turned him down and cried about it.
I told him I was probably exhausted trying to be a new wife, mom, working, etc. and I apologized if I hurt him. It wasn't my intention. But if he still resented that from over 25 yrs ago, then we had a problem.
The week turned out terrible. He left asking me what we should do. I said, you need to look at how you are feeling and your resentment b/c I do not have those feelings inside of me. I told him that if I had hurt him in the past it wasn't intentional and I was sorry. He said, he doesn't believe in sorry, things happen and you just have to move on.
He left the next day ( a day early) and got out of the car and didn't kiss me goodbye. I visited him in Jan. and that is when we had the fight and he hasn't talk to me since.
I realize now that I probably shouldn't have brought up our R and intimacy issues. Hindsight is 20/20.
So that's my last 5 months in a nutshell.
I'm interested in your statement, he is what I call a vanisher. Can you expand on that? In your opinion, what makes someone a vanisher? Just trying to understand. I think I read a post that was all about trying to get answers- understanding the "why". I know I may never fully understand, b/c I don't think anyone truly understands why we sometimes do crazy things.
It is someone who just disappears and is never heard from again, this could be from the depression.
They have no energy to talk to you and it is too painful for them, which has nothing to do with you.
Lord almighty this is a tough spot. I'm so sorry. No one is on the DB forums because things are peachy, yet this is very sad. I don't mean to make it worse, only validate that your 31 years together are so precious, even if they were volatile at times.
Hello gr8ful3,
Oh my, I can't imagine what you are going thru. My W and I have been M almost 14 years, she left me and filed for D 7 months and I am still hurting. But with the help of these wonderful people on the forum, I feel myself getting a little stronger day by day. Zues, amongst many others, have given me "golden" advice.
Try to post as much detail as you can. I know it gets tough to do as life gets in the way, but it will really help us help you.
*Hugs*
Bob
Had a busy weekend. My S graduated from University on Tuesday. Such a wonderful milestone for him. My H is out of the country for work and did not attend. I did not bring it up to my S this weekend and he didn't say anything about his dad not being there. Not sure if I should say anything or just let it go.
I try not to say anything too negative about their dad. I tell the kids that although we are having some problems their dad loves them. The other day my D received a text from my H and she said b4 she texted back that she should be mad at her dad. I said something like that wouldn't make things any better for your dad and that what was going on with us shouldn't affect your relationship with your dad. I'm not sure if that was the right thing to say?
My daughter also told me that my H said he was going to come and visit her this summer. She asked him if he planned to talk to me when he was in town. He said he'd think about it. Is it bad that my D brings that up? Do you think my H thinks I'm putting her up to it? Should I tell my kids not to bring me up when they talk to their dad? not sure what is best?
Feeling sort of sad that We did not have a family celebration for S's graduation.
Feeling sort of sad that We did not have a family celebration for S's graduation.
Hello gr8ful3,
That is very understandable. I have been thinking about you.
Maybe you will find some comfort in this verse I came across today:
“But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength” (2 Timothy 4:17).We are here for you!
Bob
Thank you Bob723, I appreciate all advice and suggested prayer. Having a very sad day today. Good thing is they are not happening as frequently. But when they do, I'm much more mindful of their effects.
Please keep me in your prayers.
I'm sorry your having a bad day. I have read through your sitch and it must be so hard not hearing from your husband in months. My husband has worked away from home for 20 years and now I see how that has impacted the way we communicate. When he gets angry he just shuts me out and he knows there is nothing I can do because he is in another country. It is a helpless feeling.
Hi gr8,
as far as your kids go and their relationship with their dad, you really should stay out of it. They are young adults and their R with their dad is none of your business. You really should stop being a fixer...
Hugs...
Hi Vapo,
Thank you for your feedback.
I am honestly not trying to manage my kids relationship with their dad, I was just wondering if I should ask them not to talk to him about what is going on with us. Not sure if that will make my H want to pull away more? I just don't want him to think I am using the kids to get him to talk to me.
You are absolutely right, their relationship is none of my business and I am a fixer, so I have been super conscientious not to ask them about conversations they may have had with their dad. I also tell them it's very important to keep in contact with him. Maybe I shouldn't even be doing that? This is new territory for me and seems I'm not navigating it very well.
Teach,
It sounds like our sitchs have so much in common. This has been very painful. I know at some point I need to take Zues advice and get a DB coach to help me figure out how to make some contact.
i hope you are having a better week this week than last. After the BD, tHe first couple of months are kind of a blur. It does get better. I promise. I will post more later. Thank you for taking the time to post on my thread.
I haven't posted in a couple of weeks. In that time, I attended my son's graduation and my daughter got very sick. We have been to different doctors and emergency rooms and a week in bed. I'm exhausted. She is finally feeling better so I thought I should let my H know that our D had been sick. I emailed him and to my surprise, he actually answered my email. I really thought he would only answer my D back. He even tried to call my cell. He is out of the country and doesn't always have access to a phone. I did not talk to him because I was at work and didn't see his call. He did leave a VM, but it was very impersonal. Of course he never asked how I was doing- not that I expected that. NO EXPECTATIONS.
The funny thing is that I am so sad today. When you don't have contact everyday, you kind of move forward with your life and then BAM they just come back in as if nothing happened.
In addition to our D getting sick, my H's father is dying of cancer. He did mention that the doctor only gave him days to live. And my H is working. The first line of his email was thanking me for the info and how his work was going- not about how our D was doing. To me it was odd. I would never have even mentioned my work. That job is the love of his life. Having my own little pity party today.
I'm going to have a good cry and a glass of wine and go to bed early tonight in that order.
Feeling sad and defeated for the first time in a long time.
Hang in there. It does get better.
Thank you Mr. Bond. I certainly hope so. From some other posts that I am reading, I'm not doing a very good job of goal setting and getting a new life for myself. Still the caretaker and fixer I have been for the past 30 years. While he has no problem taking care of what he needs. Now I'm sounding a bit snarky.
Thanks again for the words of encouragement.
Don't worry about that. It takes time. Just take it one day at a time and you'll get stronger.
does anyone have any suggestions for good books on how to set healthy boundaries and how to be less of a fixer/ caretaker? Looking for some inspiration!
My H called my D today and for the first time in 6 months told her to say hi to me. I would like to take that as a small sign of softening. I'm still having NC. I think he may have said it b/c tomorrow is my birthday.
Planning to have brunch with D and maybe some summer music outdoors with a good friend. Can't tell you how many b-days I have spent alone b/c of his job. It's really just another day. I should have no expectations.