Link to original thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2562769&page=1Well, still no reply to the email. I know she's read it and I'm hoping she gets the message. This feels quite liberating.
Welcome to your new home!
Yeah, it feels pretty good doesn't it? We've grown a pair of big dangly hairy ones and we're standing up for ourselves and our kids. What on earth have we been doing all these weeks.
Welcome to your new home!
Yeah, it feels pretty good doesn't it? We've grown a pair of big dangly hairy ones and we're standing up for ourselves and our kids. What on earth have we been doing all these weeks.
Me? I know I've been slowly coming to terms with my world being ripped apart. Realising I will be OK no matter what. Understanding detachment and getting myself on an even keel. Accepting that my old M is dead. Getting to grips with the harsh reality of this sorry mess.
I must admit. Reading Sandi2's threads on the WW opened my eyes considerably. I can handle the rejection now. This is her loss, not mine. So now that I'm in control of my own destiny I will simply continue on the path I've laid out for myself. It's a real shame as what we could have had would have been fantastic but there you go. It's not going to happen anymore.
Ok,so this just happened and I'm so angry right now I don't know what to do. In and email exchange with the WW:
HER -
I have discussed the house situation with S9 and he does not want me to put the house up for sale, he has asked me to try and make a settlement with you so that he can stay in his own house. That is why I haven’t yet put the house on the market yet.
ME -
you discussed this without me? You spoke to him about this without letting me know? Do you think that was the correct thing to do? So now if I don’t accept your offer he will think that it’s my fault he has to move house? No, no way I’m accepting that. I’m not responsible for the breakup of my family WW. You are. There is more going on with the house than just money or have you forgotten what that house represents?
Now, to me that's blackmail. My position is now even more entrenched, or is that the wrong approach?
Welcome to your new home!
We've grown a pair of big dangly hairy ones and we're standing up for ourselves and our kids.
Haha, thanks for the visual..
Good that you're standing up for yourself though!
HER -
I have discussed the house situation with S9 and he does not want me to put the house up for sale, he has asked me to try and make a settlement with you so that he can stay in his own house. That is why I haven’t yet put the house on the market yet.
EXCUSE ME?? She discussed this with your son? Putting the blame more or less on you, if they need to leave??
That is so disrespectful towards both you and him, and I think your reply was GREAT!!
Did you get a reply?
HER -
I have discussed the house situation with S9 and he does not want me to put the house up for sale, he has asked me to try and make a settlement with you so that he can stay in his own house. That is why I haven’t yet put the house on the market yet.
EXCUSE ME?? She discussed this with your son? Putting the blame more or less on you, if they need to leave??
That is so disrespectful towards both you and him, and I think your reply was GREAT!!
Did you get a reply?
No reply. She'll be on route to the house now. Disgusting behavior from her. Seriously disgusting. I am so angry with that I think I need to calm down before I clap eyes on her tonight.
Whoa buddy!
Calm down first. No shouting matches in front of S (just had to remind W about that kind of thing in my house). It's inexcusable that she is using your S as a tool to try and get you to give her what she wants. I think I would mention that to your L - it could be useful for your seperation agreement.
Whoa buddy!
Calm down first. No shouting matches in front of S (just had to remind W about that kind of thing in my house). It's inexcusable that she is using your S as a tool to try and get you to give her what she wants. I think I would mention that to your L - it could be useful for your seperation agreement.
Thanks mate. I hit the weights when I got in. Released the anger. I've came down a peg. But I will be mentioning this to the L. The way I see it this is blackmail of the worst kind.
That's the fella! Sweat it out. I've lost another stone since a couple of weeks ago, so look the best, weight wise, since about 1999.
I got told by L that the more W hurts the kids, the sheriff takes a dimmer view of things. If only W knew.
That's the fella! Sweat it out. I've lost another stone since a couple of weeks ago, so look the best, weight wise, since about 1999.
I got told by L that the more W hurts the kids, the sheriff takes a dimmer view of things. If only W knew.
I've heard the same, but difficult to prove.
I have the opposite problem with my weight. I'm 6" and at the moment up to 11' 11 1/2". At Christmas I was sitting at 9'. I was a wreck. Now I feel amazing and haven't looked this good in a long time.
I'm 6'1, so now at my BMI weight. However, everyone at work says I look ill. I think that's because I've lost it so quickly. Maybe we ought to market the stress diet!
Ok, what just happened? I took the initiative and started to talk to her about arrangements for the coming weekend. Separate plans and all that. And we just had a nice evening. Funny, light hearted, jovial. No pressure, no R talk just getting along. Like we used to be. We haven't been like that for such a long time.
I know that there should be no expectations. Keep it cool NDY. But she was nice. Like my old wife. I know it will most likely be different tomorrow but she reacted to my attitude in a good way. But a little bit of the old W came out tonight.
Morning mate
OK, maybe the text ou sent earlier woke her up a bit, or it's a temp check.
What's she planning? Being with you and S or being with OM? When they let there anger subside, the previous W seems to come back just a bit. Hopefully she's realising what she's missing out on.
Ok, what just happened? But a little bit of the old W came out tonight.
Glad for you. Keep the momentum going, no expectations (haha, look who's talking) and hopefully you'll more of these good times between the two of you as you go along..
Have a great day!
Morning mate
OK, maybe the text ou sent earlier woke her up a bit, or it's a temp check.
What's she planning? Being with you and S or being with OM? When they let there anger subside, the previous W seems to come back just a bit. Hopefully she's realising what she's missing out on.
Oh, she's out with the OM. Difference is that I've dropped the rope on that one. I'm not sure what effect the email had. We'll see as I don't think that play is quite finished yet.
She also wants to do things with S9. Which is good but she also hinted at the 3 of us doing something as well. Temp check? Yea, I think so but this is where a new strategy starts.
Hmmm...new strategy? What you got in mind?
Hmmm...new strategy? What you got in mind?
A bit less NC. Remember how on these threads they always say listen to what your WAS is REALLY saying to you? Well, in her replies to me she kept going on about how I was distant (NC at work) and how I was never around (GAL). Obviously this is working as it's getting to her (not sure if it's the right reaction but it's a reaction). So now be a bit more available. Not overboard you understand, just enough.
i need to be careful though that I don't get sucked into her mind games. No expectations.
Ah, right. Rules are working a bit, so you vary how it's being played. OK, see how that goes and report back!
Ah, right. Rules are working a bit, so you vary how it's being played. OK, see how that goes and report back!
First, I'll see how things are tonight. I want to play BB with S9 after work and we usually take an hour or 2. However, if she approaches me then cool, i'll be there. Other than that same rules apply. Know what I mean?
Hi mate
Gotcha. Steady and slooooooow.
Hi mate
Gotcha. Steady and slooooooow.
And don't forget very causiously. Need to be very careful.
Well, I hope this is the start of your dance! You've earned it.
Well, I hope this is the start of your dance! You've earned it.
dude, I got the moves like jagger. But this has to be very carefully thought out. I'll post tonight on how it goes.
Well, that's evening two of the new approach and once again it was ok. I need to be very careful she doesn't see this as an opportunity to eat cake. It's a bit of a tightrope here. I could be setting myself up for a fall or I could be cracking through the fog.
She had to go to a meeting at S9's school. When she arrived S9'and I were having a competition video game so although we said hi she wasn't the most important event going on at that point, and I think she liked that. S9 and I playing that is. We made dinner (separate food) but chatted. Again light and jovial. It was ok.
HI mate
Calm is good. Looks like the dust is settled. Now she's just got to realise what a hole she's dug and find a way of getting out of it.
Glad you had a good time with S. That's a bonus that any father can't give up.
HI mate
Calm is good. Looks like the dust is settled. Now she's just got to realise what a hole she's dug and find a way of getting out of it.
Glad you had a good time with S. That's a bonus that any father can't give up.
Thanks mate. I even got a goodby this morning. I was stunned at that.
The time with S9 is brilliant. I kinda get her point about me not spending enough time with him. It was one of her reasons on bd.'I did let life get in the way of living. I put stupid chores before him. That was wrong of me and I accept that.
With us now broken, it's very liberating. I don't care if the chores aren't done. It can wait. And WW can't complain.
Funny, in her email the other day she was complaining about how I please myself, go out with my friends when I want, go to the gym when I want, go out for a run when I want. Don't do the household chores anymore (that's because she told me not to, but that's beside the point). So basically the exact opposite of the guy she broke up with. Mad, isn't it?
Quite, quite mad! The wonderful world of the WW/WAS. It's like alice in wonderland.
Quite, quite mad! The wonderful world of the WW/WAS. It's like alice in wonderland.
And it will get even more mad, trust me.
So I now have to balance between being a good guy that doesn't give a fig about her A as I'm only there for S9 and allowing her to cake eat. It's going to be tough but I'm sure I'll manage.
So yet another calm day. Almost getting along like we used to.
So return from work and S9 is out. WW is having food but she does say hi and let's me know S9 is out.
Then, within 10 minutes S9 comes in and wants me to play BB. Right away without hesitation I say yes. Get changed into sports gear and we start playing. This is a CONSISTANT 180 for me. If you follow my thread you will know this is one of the things that led to our bread up I.e. how I didn't spend enough time with him. Well, I have spent so much time with him lately it's been fantastic.
But during the game WW comes out wanting a shot. S9 wasn't for it but I got the ball and gave it to WW. She took the shot. It was nice. Then we had a joke about wanting things from the shops, I won't repeat it here because it won't be funny but the point is S9 and I were all "yea, see ya" because we had a game on.
Btw, I lost.
So yet another calm day. Almost getting along like we used to.
Well, I have spent so much time with him lately it's been fantastic.
Btw, I lost.
Good for you! If nothing else comes out of this, this is still awesome!
Morning mate
Well, that sounds like real progress. WW seems to be pulling back a bit. That's good, but you know, take it easy.
Morning mate
Well, that sounds like real progress. WW seems to be pulling back a bit. That's good, but you know, take it easy.
Morning mate.
Yea, I know. I need to play it cool. 3 days of calm isn't much in the long run. Let's see how the weekend pans out. She's out tonight and won't be home (again) and I have S9 so he and I are going to have a blast.
Ha, you are kidding, right?
OM is 8 yrs younger, V good looking. DJ party animal. Probably has a girlfriend in every nightclub he frequents.
Ah, scumbag then! That'll never last.
Ah, scumbag then! That'll never last.
Oh, he's a scumbag all right. That goes without saying. But it's been going on now for nearly a year. The anniversary is in exactly 10 days time. What joy.
Anyway I'm hoping that now I don't give a sh*t about them that the novelty for him will begin to wear off a bit. WW's fog doesn't allow her to see the real OM. You know the one that leaves the wet towel on the floor, picks his toenails, leaves dirty dishes in the sink etc etc.
A year. That's harsh. Why hasn't she moved in with OM?
A year. That's harsh. Why hasn't she moved in with OM?
Couple of things here. First, she didn't BD me until Nov. Obviously she still felt there was a chance for us during the summer but last summer was the summer from hell. She made my life a misery. It wasn't until the Nov that she finally made her decision. Second, she won't leave S9. Not for a minute. She has even said that if she were to move out she would take S9 with her. But, and this is where the selfishness kicks in. I can leave my house. She wants me to leave so that S9 can stay in his own home but if she leaves so does he.
Besides, do you really think she wants to move into his flat? Seriously, her ideal situation is for me to accept her offer to buy me out so she can stay where she is then eventually move OM into my house.
She denies she will move him in but I'm not daft.
Pigs might fly he won't be in. Selfishness of a WW knows no bounds.
Pigs might fly he won't be in. Selfishness of a WW knows no bounds.
Yes. exactly. Besides that house isn't just about money and I've told her as much. I'm expecting 'a talk' soon about this.
So guys, spit balling a little here.
WW wants to buy me out of the house and is determined that she will have custody of S9. So I've been pondering this for a bit and came up with this thought.
Where does it say in the rules that she gets to cherry pick the best bits of our M but supliments the bits she doesn't like? What I mean is I poured my heart and soul into this place. So did she. I don't want to leave. Neither does she and S9 most definitely does not want to leave. My head says no, sell but my heart says let it be.
You see, there is a lot of talk about reconciling after D and if that were to happen then I would want to be in this house. But also if she never comes back I don't think I could handle the OM opening my door. Get my drift?
Evening NDY
OK. So how did reconciliation get brought up? Is she using this as a tool to get you to give in to her demands?
It doesn't make sense. Why after D for reconciliation? You know as soon as you're out of the door, OM will be in like a shot.
But you don't want to hurt S. Think the best thing is to try and delay a bit longer if you can. The reconciliation thing really needs fleshing out.
Hi mate
You miss my point. She's not interested in R night now. Perhaps may never be. But if you look at Kramers thread his W has bottomed out and started playing games with him. Hopefully it will work out for him and his W.
In my sitch. If I were to leave I don't think I could handle the OM coming to my door. Ever. And it pains me to say this but I can't allow the WW to continue to hurt me for the rest of my life, knowing how much I love this place. But selling up will hurt S9. And I don't want to do that.
So conflicted
Stay in the house. I've wondered if I should leave as well. The attorney I talked to today said "stay at all costs, unless it's getting violent or abusive." At least where I am, he said that if I leave, then W and her attorney will tell a judge I abandoned them.
Morning NDY
Ah, sorry, must have misread. Don't let her have the house unless you feel it is unbearable to stay and then insist that it has to be sold.
OM at your door, in your things, mowing your lawn that you've put the work in for - no f****** way!
Morning NDY
Ah, sorry, must have misread. Don't let her have the house unless you feel it is unbearable to stay and then insist that it has to be sold.
OM at your door, in your things, mowing your lawn that you've put the work in for - no f****** way!
Yea. That's how I feel about it. I look around this place and realise how much work I put into it. It wasn't for money, it was so we could have a nice life. So now that life if wrecked I don't think I could stomach OM gaining the benefit from it. I hate to see S9 having to move, this isn't his fault but I also need to think about myself as well.
That's the selfish bit; you do it all for a nice life and then they p*** it away.
That's the selfish bit; you do it all for a nice life and then they p*** it away.
Cherry picking the best bits and I get left with the cr*p.
Hi mate
You miss my point. She's not interested in R night now. Perhaps may never be. But if you look at Kramers thread his W has bottomed out and started playing games with him. Hopefully it will work out for him and his W.
In my sitch. If I were to leave I don't think I could handle the OM coming to my door. Ever.
I understand you feeling this way^^. I really do. However, can you see that this is pretty much your wounded pride & ego speaking?
After all, IF she continues with OM and it's a "real" affair, won't he simply come & go as he pleases wherever she lives?
And in the end, you have NO control over what your w does or whom she dates...which is hard to grasp but is truly important to process fast. It's reality.
Please don't let your pride decide things for you, let alone at your son's expense.
That only compounds the wrong being done to him by the marriage being challenged AND this part of it is on you.
And it pains me to say this but I can't allow the WW to continue to hurt me for the rest of my life,
Luckily This^^ IS within your control. Do not let her continue to hurt you.
Protect yourself and arm yourself with knowledge, and begin your path of growth so that you develop an inner peace & confidence. Let that grow & soothe you as you begin to really GAL and feel better, & happier.
knowing how much I love this place. But selling up will hurt S9. And I don't want to do that.
So conflicted
Putting your son FIRST will always be the right thing to do.
I'm not saying "Never sell the home" but why rush it? Why sell, now?
Instead of your son moving to 2 new places, and shuffling between them -
Why not let your son get used to it more slowly, like with one of the places being the place he knows as "home"? Just my .02
Anyway, try to Get through this ordeal with the upside intact (the "Upside" being our personal growth - b/c this brutal ordeal DOES teach us a lot about ourselves and love and faith, etc. I mean, geez, You don't want to miss out on the one positive that comes from all this pain, do you?)
And you can rest easy knowing you handled yourself with grace & dignity in the face of betrayal and pain. You will never regret that.
Back to the DB basics...what are your 180s? And do you have any short term goals?
When you do have goals you can articulate, it's great to assess whether option
"A" or "B" is more likely to get you closer to your goal, or push you farther away.
Make sense?
((( )))
Hi 25, thanks for stopping by.
I don't think I've explained myself very well so here's a quick summary.
My personal goals are well on track. I'm fitter now than ever, I go out with friends and have rekindled old hobbies as well as starting new ones. I believe my 180's are doing just fine as well. Ironically, my WW criticised me for too much gal, exactly the opposite of one of her reasons for leaving me.
When I read the section on goal setting in DR I took it to mean in the R. I looked back at those goals, I wrote them quite a while back (do what works took some time) and thus far it looks like I've achieved them. For now anyway and new goals will need to be set.
Now, about the house. It's not me that wants to sell. My WW wants to buy me out but I'm not happy with that. Basically for the reasons outlined above. You see, this is more than just a building, it was my dream. I don't want to leave it and I don't want her offer. For one thing it's not enough and L says don't leave if you can't afford a new place with what she's offering (I could but it wouldn't be anything near as good as here).
I appreciate that my WW will date whoever she wishes. That's not what concerns me. What I couldn't stomach is OM livin in my house living my dream. I know this is pride at work here but at this juncture I feel that handing this place over to her would be her walking all over me once again. I cannot continue to let that happen. They say respect plays a major part in all this, well she needs to respect that this place was my dream as well.
But S9 is the bind. I don't want him to have to move. This isn't his doing hence the conflict.
NDY
Pardon any typos I may have made (& the length of this!) but I'm really tired.
Anyway, okay I understand that you are GAL. I hear you.
Maybe you're in a really good place & maybe that will continue. Great!
I still just felt that most of your post tends to be about your w, and or the OM and or what you will/will not "allow."
My point is that *instead of talking about the limits you wish you could impose on others,
you could keep the focus on who/what you CAN affect, which is just you
and
When you feel conflicted b/c your son's needs don't match your wants
then PERHAPS it's not truly "confusion" you feel.
Parenting demands an unflinching unrelenting amount of selflessness.
We've all been where you are.
There were lots of times I wanted out of the marriage. I stayed & dug deep, b/c I believed it was the best thing for the kids.
AND there were times I wanted to bury my head in the sand & stay m, but I had to fight those urges til I had examined what my children wanted AND OR needed...
when these ^^factors were not in alignment, I can honestly say I consistently chose the option that I believed was in the best interests of my children.
I used my IC and DB coach as sounding boards for all the second guessing (& b/c I wasn't always sure I could be objective) so I had some confidence in the actions I took.
My post was just trying to clarify that before you get all bogged down in what your W is doing/thinking/planning OR with whom,
Do right by your boy, no matter what else.
I swear you'll be happier in the long run, when your days are coming to end,
because you'll be able to look in the mirror & know You did right best by him
Make sense?
Hi 25
Thanks again for your input. I value it immensely.
I completely understand what you are saying about doing right by my boy. And once again there in lies the bind. Being a dad isn't just about providing for him or spending time with him. It's also about teaching him how to be a man. He looks to me for direction, how to deal with life. What kind of life lesson do I teach my son that it's ok for people to walk all over you?
Don't get me wrong here. He will be provided for no matter what. He will have a nice place to live but he also needs to see his dad standing up for his principals. See what I mean here? Like i said, conflicted.
Using 25's words then, the best thing for S would be to stay at house and you take the share that W is offering. But would that be the best for S? You go back to pick S up and OM is at the door. You'll probably bicker with W and S will know and react accordingly.
This one is really difficult. You don't want to be trampled on; you don't want to hurt S.
No, I don't want either. But also, is it better for S9 that I be replaced in that house? That's his haven. His sanctuary. What if he doesn't like the OM? Then what. Idk. This is very difficult.
No, I don't want either. But also, is it better for S9 that I be replaced in that house?
Why is it you assume you can be "replaced" because of the house they live in?
If OM thinks he can "replace" you, 1what difference does it make where that occurs?
Wow I don;t want to belabor the point so I'll move on, but leave you with this:
imo, your arguments re the house, all have to do with the meaning YOU attach to the house.
I'm saying perhaps you ought to be looking at it PRIMARILY/SOLELY
from the viewpoint of the meaning your son attaches to the house.
If you fear being "replaced" by OM (and every LBSer fears that, just so you know)...
but what difference does the place itself have?
And though I don;t believe any step parent could replace the bio parent (and we are getting WAY ahead of ourselves with the role of OM here, btw)
but assuming for the sake of discussion that OM sticks around...why couldn't the OM "replace" you in another house? I mean, what difference does the place make, in terms of his replacing you?
Again, shouldn't the focus be on your son's environment?
Plus ftr, I think it'd be terribly awkward FOR OM to be in the house you put energy into.
Your stbxw will have a ton of memories of YOU there, not OM.
What does the house itself, mean to YOU and why?
That's his haven. His sanctuary. What if he doesn't like the OM?
THIS^^ bolsters my point.
How would your SON be better off in a strange environment - with OM there --------if they do not get along?
Wouldn't it be easier on him if he had his sanctuary close by?
That really is a toughie. If you really want to kill the house stone dead, then you both need to go. S would then have to be involved in the search for a new house for both of you, so that he feels a haven at each.
OM? Sounds like a to****, so I doubt he'll be around for much longer. If I was OM, I'd be asking why my 'girlfriend' was going back home every night, instead of making a place with me? If I was OM, I'd be trying to encourage 'girlfriend' to bring S with her. Get my drift here? I don't think he can be a serious family man. Hope you take that in the spirit it's meant.
No, I don't want either. But also, is it better for S9 that I be replaced in that house?
Why is it you assume you can be "replaced" because of the house they live in?
If OM thinks he can "replace" you, 1what difference does it make where that occurs?
Wow I don;t want to belabor the point so I'll move on, but leave you with this:
imo, your arguments re the house, all have to do with the meaning YOU attach to the house.
I'm saying perhaps you ought to be looking at it PRIMARILY/SOLELY
from the viewpoint of the meaning your son attaches to the house.
If you fear being "replaced" by OM (and every LBSer fears that, just so you know)...
but what difference does the place itself have?
And though I don;t believe any step parent could replace the bio parent (and we are getting WAY ahead of ourselves with the role of OM here, btw)
but assuming for the sake of discussion that OM sticks around...why couldn't the OM "replace" you in another house? I mean, what difference does the place make, in terms of his replacing you?
Again, shouldn't the focus be on your son's environment?
Plus ftr, I think it'd be terribly awkward FOR OM to be in the house you put energy into.
Your stbxw will have a ton of memories of YOU there, not OM.
What does the house itself, mean to YOU and why?
That's his haven. His sanctuary. What if he doesn't like the OM?
THIS^^ bolsters my point.
How would your SON be better off in a strange environment - with OM there --------if they do not get along?
Wouldn't it be easier on him if he had his sanctuary close by?
Hi 25. I see where you are coming from. Ok, let me explain.
This place means so much to me. I didn't come from a weathy background and getting this place felt like we had 'made it'. So many dreams, so much ambition. All dead now of course and I do feel sad about that. Yet, this place means so much to S9. This is his home. Where he feels safe.
The environment is important. To a man, his home is his castle. Get my drift? Yes, pride is at play here and I will not allow myself to just roll over when it comes to MY house.
I know that the OM can supplement me anywhere, no matter the building but this is not just a building. Not to me anyway.
That really is a toughie. If you really want to kill the house stone dead, then you both need to go. S would then have to be involved in the search for a new house for both of you, so that he feels a haven at each.
OM? Sounds like a to****, so I doubt he'll be around for much longer. If I was OM, I'd be asking why my 'girlfriend' was going back home every night, instead of making a place with me? If I was OM, I'd be trying to encourage 'girlfriend' to bring S with her. Get my drift here? I don't think he can be a serious family man. Hope you take that in the spirit it's meant.
Mate, he's tried to instigate meetings with S9. I intervened. Not going to happen any time soon. But why would he want to set up home with my WW? He's cake eating. He's having the time of his life going out with a married woman and no doubt having it off with every woman he gets the chance with.
Ok I need a serious lesson in detachment.
WW asked earlier if I was going out. I was in two minds but she wants to go out. I have to be honest here and got pi*sed off at her. I snapped that she should just go.
I went out for an hour or two and when I got back WW said again about going out. I snapped again and just told her to leave, do what she wants but leave me alone.
Not exatly detached now is it? Fek.
Detached - well yeah. You told her to go, you didn't ask her not to. Snapping not great, but this is not the easiest sell in the world. I guess she was on her way to OM, so that will make it hard. In another way, it could be seen as good that she was asking if she could go.
Detached - well yeah. You told her to go, you didn't ask her not to. Snapping not great, but this is not the easiest sell in the world. I guess she was on her way to OM, so that will make it hard. In another way, it could be seen as good that she was asking if she could go.
Want to know the real reson I'm annoyed. She said earlier that next month on a weekend I'm out with the lads MIL is going to take S9 away for the weekend. She doesn't realise it's Father's Day.
Yeah, not looking forward to that one either.
Yeah, not looking forward to that one either.
No, but how she could just dismiss it really gets on my goat. I made sure S9 did special things on Mother's Day.
So had a great day with S9. We have GALLED our wee hearts out. It's been so much fun. We are now having some food before heading home. Certainly better than being at work that's for sure.
Good for you! And some sunshine as well. Rarer than hens teeth in Scotland.
Good for you! And some sunshine as well. Rarer than hens teeth in Scotland.
Thanks mate. Yea, the weather has held out for us. We had a great time today.
imo, your arguments re the house, all have to do with the meaning YOU attach to the house.
I'm saying perhaps you ought to be looking at it
from the viewpoint of what it means to your son.
and ftr, I think it'd be terribly awkward FOR OM to be in the house you put energy into.
Your stbxw will have a ton of memories of YOU there, not OM. Same goes for your son and my bet is that in time OM 1) won't be around at all
and or 2) won't want to be in the "real Dad's house"
That's his haven. His sanctuary. What if he doesn't like the OM?
THIS^^ bolsters my point.
How would your SON be better off in a strange environment - with OM there --------if they do not get along?
Wouldn't it be easier on your son if he had his sanctuary close by?
Hi 25. I see where you are coming from. Ok, let me explain.
This place means so much to me.[/b] I didn't come from a weathy background and getting this place felt like we had 'made it'. So many dreams, so much ambition. All dead now of course and I do feel sad about that.
yes, this^^^ is about what the house means to You...
So, what is it you think MY point of view is? What do you think I'm trying to say to you?
Yet, this place means so much to S9. This is his home. Where he feels safe.
Yes, the home means a lot to your Son...(which goes to my original point).
and so far, the only argument for selling it is that you don't want OM to benefit in any way from your efforts.
How does that help your son?
The environment is important. To a man, his home is his castle. Get my drift?
Let me see if I get it...Your drift is that the house is important to you (and your son) but your anger at the injustice of OM benefitting from keeping the home,
& outweighs the value & importance it has for your son. I'm being sincere so tell me, is that it?
Yes, pride is at play here and I will not allow myself to just roll over when it comes to MY house.
Not sure what "roll over" means in this context, but I do see the role of your pride. From where I sit, it pretty much all boils down to it.
I don't know the financial ramifications. But something tells me that you'd sell at a loss to prevent anyone other than you from enjoying the home (even your son).
In any case, I doubt anything I say on this matter will change your mind.
But here's a tip. When we are facing a difficult choice, and we wonder which choice is "right or wrong", chances are the more difficult choice is the morally RIGHT one, b/c if the "wrong" choice were more difficult, the "right" answer would be the easier of the two and we'd make the decision pretty fast.
Make sense?
Hi 25
Ok, so I accept my WW's reduced offer, lose out on £1000's, lose all that I've spent my adult life building towards? Live in a much less enjoyable environment because she had an A? Yes, good life lesson for S9.
As much as I appreciate your points, I do it just seems like I'm expected to roll over and everyone gets the best bits of the M except me. Doesn't make any sense.
Hi 25
Ok, so I accept my WW's reduced offer, lose out on £1000's, lose all that I've spent my adult life building towards? Live in a much less enjoyable environment because she had an A? Yes, good life lesson for S9.
As much as I appreciate your points, I do it just seems like I'm expected to roll over and everyone gets the best bits of the M except me. Doesn't make any sense.
i am facing a similar issue myself. seeing L tomorrow for the 1st time. may be slapping the W an ultimatum. We are not moving to facilitate your new lifestyle. In terms of staying where we are balance is in my favour. BUT - my concern has STILL not been fully layed to rest that she can't tip the balance back into her favour by claiming full custody and getting it.
I talked with L on the phone and he thinks we should hit her with a notice of intent immediately. If she wishes to challenge - she can i guess. I think thats how it works.
any suggestions 25? (oh - the only real thing on the other side of town is a few month old job - and privacy which I think is the main one for her)
i am facing a similar issue myself. seeing L tomorrow for the 1st time. may be slapping the W an ultimatum. We are not moving to facilitate your new lifestyle. In terms of staying where we are balance is in my favour. BUT - my concern has STILL not been fully layed to rest that she can't tip the balance back into her favour by claiming full custody and getting it.
Morning Py(or evening, not sure where you are)
Yea, Don't get me wrong here I'm not in any hurry to do anything. I've pretty much taken the 'you want to leave the M so you do the work' stance and as yet she hasn't done very much. She's fell right into cake eating mode for now. But this will come up again soon.
evening here - yep definitely cake eating here too. Expects everything to revolve round her. is should've clarified ^^, there is also the issue of the house OI have spoken about before.
so far i have done everything to facilitate this seperation. not for her sake, but to protect myself and the kids. once property is settled and possibly this L issue, its hands off for me. She can organise and pay for the D.
i'm wondering if my objection will be at least noted. apparently it won't be taken into consideration unless i can prove it is out of courts jurisdiction (NO) and it hasn't yet been 12 months (i assume NO). Still it would be nice to be noted. it USED to be asked in the court if attempts at R had been made. If they ask that I can honestly say "not one".
Ok, so last weeks mistakes.
After telling WW not interested in her or her A and was only home for S9 things started to get a bit better at home. But I debated with myself if this was friend zone or real improvements. I opted for the former so drew back.
At least that's what I thought I was doing until, at the weekend I realised I was allowing myself to get angry at her antics. I know I was doing this. At the time I couldn't stop but, once I recognised I was letting her actions overcome my emotions I pulled myself up by the shoestrings. So I went back to being dim.
Standard procedure here. Being cordial, leaving the room when she's there. Not getting into any conversations. Being busy etc. result? Email today about (paraphrase) how I was being a bit of a [self cencored].
So, I know it's a tightrope but how to strike a balance. When I'm nice she likes it. I do hold back. It's nothing like the old days but where is that line? Where do I say to myself 'too friendly' and when do I say 'you are being a [self cencored]'?
Morning NDY
That's a bit rich. Self centred? Who's having an A? Having read GB's piece on Defacto's thread, it's a fine line. You don't want to come across as hard, but you don't want to be trashed.
We seem to be at the same crossroads here. I overheard W talking to SD about moving stuff around house for when new furniture comes. Doesn't sound like a person planning on running off soon.
Morning mate.
Yea, I hear ya but at the same time you don't want her to think your being huffy. That's being attached. You want to be happy but moving on. Difficult because I'm a chatty dude.
I know also what you mean about the furnature. Yip, they are all over the place. My WW did something similar not so long ago. Claimed she was getting the place ready to sell. That may have been true at the time but she's stalling on that again.
WAS/WW - the great unknown. I bet if you asked them the time, they'd change their mind 30 seconds later!
WAS/WW - the great unknown. I bet if you asked them the time, they'd change their mind 30 seconds later!
Have done and they did do.
Funny, last time at the mediators the WW was annoyed at the delays to the process (blaming me for this as you may have guessed). When I pointed out that all of the delays so far were her doing she was kinda phased by that.
Bear in mind not so long ago she was charging ahead with the sale, now for a couple of weeks nada.
Tomorrow it will change.
Funny how it's always our fault.
That's how it works. As long as it's my fault the WW doesn't need to take any responsibility for anything.
Remember what Sandi2 said? The reasons for breaking up with us are now the excuses they use to justify their actions. And I recon she's spot on with that one.
Ok, I'm sorry but I think I'm going to be very unpopular now with what I'm about to say.. But I think 25 has quite a few points, and since I've been in that house situation before I can relate.
The father of my son and I had a house that I more or less renovated myself, as a project of mine. It wasn't a square inch of that house I haven't put lots and lots of love and effort into and the plan was for us to live happily ever after in it. Well, that didn't happen. Our son at the time was little and I had no chance of making payments on the house on my own.
I guess I could have forced the issue for us to sell, and make us both move so as all dreams were shattered equally.
However. My son had his roots there, his sandbox outside the door, his horse in the stable and he felt safe there. So I moved (with son) and he took that in his stride but when he spent time with his dad he still could be in the house and surroundings that he loved. I'm not saying this is right for you, you have to decide that. But I could still feel a sense of happiness that my son had his room that I made for him, when he was there and that I didn't have to leave him at some new place when it was time to see daddy. Not very long after we'd split he found another woman and she moved in pretty quickly. I don't think it was at all easy for her, to sit in my house, with all the signs of me and my choices on counter tops, tiles, wallpaper, carpets and so on.
Of course you shouldn't give her the house for a price that isn't up to par with market value. Then you would just be stupid, and for heavens sake don't be that, but if it's "only" (and I know how hurtful it is and don't mean only as to say small issue or not difficult) a matter of the house being your cave and OM not welcome.. I think you should think long and hard about that and what it is you really show your son.
First of all, your son is too young to know all the ins and outs of standing up for yourself and what it is to be walked all over yet. And IF and WHEN the time comes that he is older and he asks why stuff went down as they did you can be proud and say that you chose to do what's best for your son and that is what a father does.
And hopefully if he ever comes in a situation when his kids needs something, he will look to their best and put them above himself.
I do understand how difficult this is, and I think you have done great with coping so far! If there is money issues all this can come into another light, you can't go broke over a house and that isn't smart for either you or your son.
If it comes to that you both must leave the house, your son will be fine. Worse things have happen, and it's all up to you and your W how you deal with things and if you can put him first.
OM might not even want to live in your house..
Hope you don't think I'm to harsh.
Thinking of you and understand how hard this is!
Hug!
Hi Tulo
I appreciate the points both you and 25 make, I really do hence my conflict.
I know I need more time to come to terms with this. Being in that house after the D will be a difficult pill to swallow.
For me, right now I'm going to sit on this until she brings up the subject again. I don't expect it to take too long but like all these things you just never know.
I know you are conflicted and I understand how difficult this is for you. Think you are smart to hang tight and wait to see if she brings it up.
Thinking of you and think you are doing great!
I know you are conflicted and I understand how difficult this is for you. Think you are smart to hang tight and wait to see if she brings it up.
Thinking of you and think you are doing great!
Thanks. Like everything else here, no expectations, right?
Never any expectations buddy. Plenty of resentment and disapointment though!
Never any expectations buddy. Plenty of resentment and disapointment though!
I think these are some of the emotions we need to learn to let go of. I've been living in detaching world today. Trying to work out where I was going wrong. I think I may just be starting to 'get it'.
Time will tell.
Hi NDY
i've jsut tried to catch up with the last few bits on your thread, so i may have missed this but....
is there a reason you can't buy your W out so you stay in the house and she moves?
Hi NDY
i've jsut tried to catch up with the last few bits on your thread, so i may have missed this but....
is there a reason you can't buy your W out so you stay in the house and she moves?
Hi Jim. Thanks for taking the time to stop by. Yes, there is a reason. I can't afford this place on my own. WW will struggle but will survive.
Hi DB friends
If I could move the focus away from the house for a second, I'd like some opinions on walking the tightrope.
I've done a lot of reflection today, and I'm thinking about respect vs detaching. Let me try and explain.
I'm not normally a confrontational person, but when the line is crossed the line is crossed and I make it known. So, here is my pradiciment that I'm struggling with.
WW is in the same room as me texting. Not sure who but I've already said, in a calm measured way that I won't tolirate her texting OM in front of me and S9.
So, last week this would have met with me stating, no, demanding she stop.
This week. Meh.
Which way is correct? I feel Meh is something I need to practice. I ignored it tonight. Trying on the detach suit that's just been re fitted as the last one was the wrong size. But I also feel that the disrespect is something that came from my non confrontational past. NMMNG and all that. Any and all thoughts would be appreciated.
I used to get angry over texting/Facebooking. I don't let it bother me anymore. If she wants to sit in the corner like a teenager with her little inside jokes and Facebook memes, let her.
It's in my newbie opinion that while she's doing that, if I'm sitting there huffing and getting agitated, then that's showing her I care. Now, I just get up and do something with my daughter. If my wife wants to miss out on her daughter growing up because her head is always buried in her phone, that's on her conscience, not mine.
Morning NDY
I have got to agree with Ralphy here. You know who it is, so don't need to snoop and if that is more important than M & S then it's her loss. You keep on the path with S - he's the most important person right now.
I used to get angry over texting/Facebooking. I don't let it bother me anymore. If she wants to sit in the corner like a teenager with her little inside jokes and Facebook memes, let her.
It's in my newbie opinion that while she's doing that, if I'm sitting there huffing and getting agitated, then that's showing her I care. Now, I just get up and do something with my daughter. If my wife wants to miss out on her daughter growing up because her head is always buried in her phone, that's on her conscience, not mine.
So meh it is then. That's what I thought. Thanks for the input.
Ok, it's been 3 weeks since she mentioned D, selling the house or anything about separation. We did have a few bumps at the start over money(she wanted me to proactively approach her about bills etc which is a lie, she was angry I came home). Anyway even simple things like stopping the joint cc (she's the main account holder so I can't cancel it) haven't moved.
Last time she spewed, I told her I wasn't standing in her way re house selling. She wants me to do it but I just said no.
So patience patience and more patience.
In the mean time it's GAL central. I'm enjoying the GYM and spending time with S9, visiting family etc. I can honestly say I've been out more these days than ever. I'd rather the circumstances were different but hey.
On an emotional front, I feel a little sad. Not hurt or depressed or anything just more disappointment. Is that normal?
Hi bud
Normal to feel sad. I was in a meeting today and there was a woman police officer sat beside me. She had her ring on and I just thought she'll be going home tonight and it'll be 'normal', so I felt a bit sad that I can't have that at the moment.
Three weeks of not mentioning D or selling has got to be a good sign, surely? Maybe she's started the process of realisation; maybe she's looked around and thought 's***, what am I throwing away'.
Don't know mate. I'm not going to mind read, not in the slightes.
Funny thing happened last night. When my mate called about cancelling tonight she looked at me with slight panic 'but I've made arrangements for Saturday'
My response was 'yea, F isn't going out but I am'
Like what I do has a bearing on her plans. Ah well.
Oh. That statement isn't good though. What picture you off to see?
San Andreas. Funny, about the only thing WW and I agree on is that we both want to see that film. S9 doesn't fancy it so I'm going on my own.
Yea. It's more of a fake it till you make it type of move. I don't really want to go out, I'd be happier at home but I need to be out. Know what I mean?
Yeah, I know. Proving a point that you won't be treated like sh1t. Family men normally spend Friday nights planning a weekend with the kids. One day....one day!
Yeah, I know. Proving a point that you won't be treated like sh1t. Family men normally spend Friday nights planning a weekend with the kids. One day....one day!
Yip. But, the say GAL and be mysterious. I'd rather be with S9 but.....
Ok so GAL plans crashed. That's ok but being at home...
WW wants to be casual, not talkative but relaxed, funny.
S9 and I and WW laught at a movie. We are all having a good time.
She actually says goodnight. That's where we are. She says goodnight and I see hope?
Detach, detach, detach.
Hello NDY,
I'm so sorry, I’ve been extremely busy and haven’t been on the DB Forum much at all for a few days, but I have been thinking about you.
What’s new with you? Any other GAL activities planned for the weekend?
Take care, please.
Bob
Edit - Please start a new thread - Cadet
Hi NDY
Well it sounds like you had fun without GAL plans. Goodnight I view as being OK, a connection. If you feel detached, the odd word won't hurt.
Hi Bob. Thanks for stoping in. GAL today is S9 and I hanging out. That's the cool thing about dads and their boys, we can just hang out. Don't need a big show to make him happy.
Huddy, WW tried to bait me into a fight this morning. I just walked away.'not letting her manipulate me.
That's a shame after last night. If only we could see what was going on in their minds.
That's a shame after last night. If only we could see what was going on in their minds.
yea, aparently I didn't answer in the 'correct tone'. Wtf is she doing making small talk anyway? I'm keeping to the point, being cordial and unless it's important keeping it to myself. This clearly is getting to her.
If only we could see what was going on in their minds.
You ever see inside a tornado?
That looks calm compared to the inside of their minds.
Tornados never did this much damage!
Oh and start a new thread please.
The next post will lock this one.