Ok here we go with my situation, I got the ilybinilwyabout a month ago after a heated argument that was my fault to begin with 1st I was shocked than I did what any husband would do beg, ask to work it out, etc..
After I settled down a bit u immediately started planning my escape, writing down bills I was going to keep, kid schedule etc. after a few days of still begging and pleading she said she needed time to work on her happiness and I needed the same.
There is no OM involved this I am certain of.
I suggested that I was going to move out because I was not going to live in a house with someone that didn't feel the same way I did. Problem is I moved into the rent house next door for the kids to be close and it was easier in all of us.
It wasent until recently that I even heard of the 180s in my rage of begging and pleading to change all I got was "I've given you my all the past 11 years and now it's over you want to change?" I started doing the 180s last week and it's hard because I just live next door so in retrospect now I see that when I was begging for a 2nd chance what I was really saying was " I can't be happy unless you give me my way."
I've come to the conclusion that I am no longer going to dwell in my self pity and I can either walk around as my pride is a ballon that anyone can pop or its a steel ball in my pocket that no one can break.
Im at a crossroads where I desperately want my wife back but it's been about a month and I'm still getting the same behavior from her.
I admit I made a fool of myself the 1st 2 weeks after the bomb was dropped.
How in the world do I keep myself from having a WWS.
Seems that I'm always giving in to her and I'll do about 75% of the 180s than I blow it again by asking to put this behind us.
I can take any critic you give me.
The biggest fear I have is losing my wife and she starts seeing other people right next door to me.
Today she finally told me she was breaking through a tm and she was so angry I believed that to be a good thing that she was starting to realize her actions.
I believe she may have seen the significant changes that I've made and she doesent want to admit that she wants to work things out.
I just can't knock down that stupid wall.
We've been together 11 years married 8, two daughters 8,10.
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2380415&page=1Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
(
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2534754&page=1).
Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2183063&fpart=1For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
First, stop doing this:
Seems that I'm always giving in to her and I'll do about 75% of the 180s than I blow it again by asking to put this behind us.
Second, read Divorce Remedy.
Third, move away from next door to her!
Fourth, lose the fear.
Fifth, everything in the below quote is so wrong.
The biggest fear I have is losing my wife and she starts seeing other people right next door to me. Today she finally told me she was breaking through a tm and she was so angry I believed that to be a good thing that she was starting to realize her actions. I believe she may have seen the significant changes that I've made and she doesent want to admit that she wants to work things out. I just can't knock down that stupid wall.
Please read Divorce Remedy, and in the meantime, read the threads Cadet posted in his welcome to you.
I hope you'll stick with us b/c I can see you have the typical LBH's mindset. I just hope we can knock
your wall down. (JK)
Hello Swipe,
As Cadet wrote:
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
I am a LBH and you will find so much great guidance on this forum. My W and I are still separated but I haven't given up hope. Why? First of all, I love my wife. Second, the great people on this forum.
To get the most out of it, I suggest trying to post as often as you can and check in on other people's situations.
Sandi is one of the absolute best of the best in our "family" here.
Please, please follow Sandi's advice.
I wish you well.
Bob
So after I thought it was starting to get better I got the "your smothering me." I'm officially to the point that I'm going to act careless to what she does and just straight up ignore her unless it's about the kids, I cannot financially afford to move further away due to already dumping money into this place with rent deposit and utities. I'm going to just focus on my kids and my happiness. I'm to the realization that if she wants to come around than she'll have to be the one to make contact with me FIRST, if not fine I've got to continue on living my own life.
I hope you are still around, and will come post more.
So after I thought it was starting to get better I got the "your smothering me." I'm officially to the point that I'm going to act careless to what she does and just straight up ignore her unless it's about the kids, I cannot financially afford to move further away due to already dumping money into this place with rent deposit and utities. I'm going to just focus on my kids and my happiness. I'm to the realization that if she wants to come around than she'll have to be the one to make contact with me FIRST, if not fine I've got to continue on living my own life.
And to have any chance of getting her back, Swipe, is exactly what you need to do. Read the books and live your life. Do some deep thinking and change the things that she's complained about that seem true to you. Those things will make you a better person no matter what happens!
Seems something's working, today around lunch she text me asking if I wanted to eat dinner with her and the kids.
I said sure so after work I waited about an hour before I went over dinner was almost finished so after I ate and we had small talk I got up told my kids bye and I loved them and started to leave and she said, where are you going you don't have to leave in such a hurry.
I replied "I've got a lot of stuff I have to take care of." And I just walked out, now she knows that I know she's off work tomorrow and I know she looks forward to me texting or calling her but nope not even gonna think about it, if I do than I'll end up texting something like "I hope your having a great day off."
But just seems like a bad idea to me.
It's just hard to sit alone in an empty house and not dwell on it or think of us. And I've already opened my mouth enough about our future, so I'm stickin to my guns.
Backfire alert, so after me being stuck in a stupied lala land I made the mistake of asking her how we could put all the bad and negative stuff from our marriage in a vault and continue with a happier and healthier marriage.
Her reply was that she wanted us to take space and be able to communicate and be happier with each other before we even talk about our future and she had put us in a vault and if it ever gets opened back up fine but if not and we seem happy and communicate better apart that would be ok with her to.
I cannot deal with the apartness anymore she has takin off her ring and when I told her that I understand that we're taking space I feel that it's disrespecting our marriage by her doing that, she replied with the rings are just material things.
And I know for a fact that there is no OM involved how am I supposed to take this?
And what am I supposed to do from here?
You dont know what is going on inside her head, she
could have a fantasy OM that she does not tell you about.
STOP having relationship talks - read Sandi's 37 rules and try to start living them.
You can not love her back.
Start living your life and moving forward "as if"
Stop worrying about her and put the focus on yourself.
Become a person that only a fool would leave and then you
cannot lose.
Swipe I'm in a situation where there is no affair either- but the distance and coldness is so severe there might as well be.
You've made some mistakes, yes. But all you can do is pick yourself up and learn from them.
Keep detaching. Act as if she is a friendly neighbor (which in your case...)
I have to echo Sandi. Have you read DR? That should be priority number 1. Bookstore. Library. Read it. You will feel better and you'll have more of a solid plan.
This all seems to be going so FAST. My advice is to relax and be patient. You can't solve in a few days what took years to do. So give space. But not to spite her. Give space so you can go out and do things for YOU. it sounds like your energy is all focused on the W. I'd recommend to take some time to really focus your energy on yourself and the kid(s?). Your end goal can certainly be reconciliation, but I don't think that's the point you should be aiming at...yet.
is there anywhere to download the book online?
is there anywhere to download the book online?
I did not know the answer to this, actually.
I asked our forum admin Virginia and this was the response
Unfortunately, we do not offer downloadable versions of Divorce Busting nor The Divorce Remedy.
Hopefully that will change one day in the not-to-distant future.
I'll be sure to let you know when it does.
So you will need to find another way to read it for now.
If anyone else has another method please let me know.
Swipe I'm in a situation where there is no affair either- but the distance and coldness is so severe there might as well be.
You've made some mistakes, yes. But all you can do is pick yourself up and learn from them.
Keep detaching. Act as if she is a friendly neighbor (which in your case...)
Hello Swipe,
RealMe might as well be Me writing his last post. No OM, but the distance and coldness is so severe there might as well be. My wife claims I smothered her and she wants her life back. Nobody familiar with the situation (my therapist especially) believes I smothered her, but that is her perception. My therapist also believes she is projecting her severe illness (MS) onto me. Who knows? But, thanks to the wonderful people on these boards I have backed way off and I'm continuing to work on things I know I need to improve on.
I wish you well.
Bob
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Swipe, what kinds of things do you like to do??? Start doing them and have that PMA at all times around her. Keep it up. We're all on here to help you!
for some odd reason I'm assuming that the detaching thing Is much harder for men than women. I play it over in my head and tell my self "be patient cool calm and detach." But seems that doing and thinking arent in my favor lol.So she says to me today "lets take it one day at a time and see where it goes" and she also said "just let it be and let things work them self out." Now in my mind this is the perfect time for me to detach and man up and put all my determination into the 180s with no quit. I Guess I'm just so used to controlling every situation im in so much pain And anger that I can't control this one and it's driving me up the walls.
You have to GAL! It will take your mind off of your sitch for a bit which then gives you a clearer mind. Trust me, it helps. If you read through my sitch you will see that I have a hard time detaching too. It can be done though, even through backslides.
I'm rooting for you!
You have to GAL! It will take your mind off of your sitch for a bit which then gives you a clearer mind. Trust me, it helps. If you read through my sitch you will see that I have a hard time detaching too. It can be done though, even through backslides.
I'm rooting for you!
Swipe,
I second Eirinn's posting!
Bob
seems like love and anger are in a constant battle with one another in my head, I am not believing how people can just get that cold hearted toward someone, next few days it's gonna be absolutely no contact unless about the kids or she text or calls me 1st. I do believe that I've not given her the opportunity to miss me or even be curious about what I'm up to. So I believe no contact for the next few days may make things a little mysterious for her because she is so used to hearing from me a lot during the day and wishing her well all the time.
You will drive yourself nuts trying to understand her right now.
That's why it's imperative that your focus is on you.
Why do they push and push till you wanna just give up? Do they think they win if you throw in the towel? When do you know to end the fight?
Why do they push and push till you wanna just give up? Do they think they win if you throw in the towel? When do you know to end the fight?
Why do they push and push till you wanna just give up?
Do they think they win if you throw in the towel?
When do you know to end the fight?
Cause they are ruled by emotions and not logic.
Read up on depression after you finish DR/DB.
I think you end when you are
completely detached and can do
it from a point where you make a logical decision that it is best for you to keep moving forward.
Anytime before that is too soon,
and will likely fail and backfire.
You need to be healed and whole before making this decision,
standing is first for YOU,
not to win back the WAS/MLC'er
Thanks cadet that was exactly what I needed to hear, I've decided to truly live up to the 180s and put my focus primarily on my kids an I, At first I was thinking to myself that I'm the one that caused all this and I have owned up to half of it marriage is 50/50 so I'm taking my 50% of the blame. No more persuing, I told myself that before I made any radical decision that I needed to find my self again and make sure that I'm happy and healthier than ever, but than I relized I don't need to find myself I'm already here, what I need to do is be Who I want to be for the kids and myself. Maybe once I figure the big things out all the small ones will fall into place.
Out of the blue today w says she wants to rebuild that emotional bond and friendship that we once had and try getting along more and than we can go from there as to which way well have to decide that when the times comes, she said she's not going no where and has no intentions of seeing anyone else until we find each other and figure this out. What am I to do now all this sounds great as I keep playing it over in my head that maybe we can do all that while we also focus on ourselfs than when the time comes I'll know what direction to take. Any ideas or suggestions to this?
What have you done to work on yourself since this began? What have you changed about your own behavior/actions in the marriage? The problem is something was "broken" in your M which led up to all of this. Unless you have identified and worked on where you came up short, you will not be any different in your M and will end up in the same place you are now in just a short while.
I am not discouraging you. It is great she seems to want to work on it. That is a big big step. I will defer any advice to others who have been down this path. I just want you to remember that you need to continue to work on you
Good luck!
Honestly I'm still an emotional roller coaster and I feel that I still need to work on my self before I can be in any type of relationship right now. I do believe that if we were to start back up tomorrow nothing would really be any different than it was because it hasent been enough time to fix what's broken and it can't just be swept under a rug. She is the was not me but I have to be the one to better myself so she would be an idiot to try and leave.
well said. so now that you recognize it, work on it. I do not think there is any danger of your W running off or changing her mind because you do not come running back as quickly as she wants. If anything, it may help you. People want what they cannot have. If she all the sudden realizes that YOU may be having second thoughts as she was, she may become the pursuer.
Again, let some of the wise old owls chime in.
Take it slow. Have no expectations. Protect yourself emotionally.
Swipe, detaching doesn't mean you can't hang out and be with your W. But it does mean that you separate yourself from her emotional roller coaster. If she wants to do some bonding, don't push her away but keep an eye on the prize and don't pursue. Just be open to ideas and keep working on you.
You're doing well!!
How are you doing Swipe? Haven't heard from you for a few days.
Take it slow and keep working on your. Going in the right direction and keep going Swipe.