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http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2546647#Post2546647Hi all. Long lost !!!!
Monday I got a text from W about her having a dream about leaving family and living in a flat. She woke up and realised it was true.
Monday afternoon W called me very upset and apologised for text. I wasn't sure what to say so I listened while she explained that L/C had told her that this was a journey she needed to take for W to realise what she had and had lost.
Tuesday W called me to say that she was having a bad week and apologised again for
Her text. on Wednesday , W called to tell me about her family and kept me on the phone for about 25 mins. She told me she is always sad and doesn't know what to do. I validated her feelings but didn't dwell and changed the subject to my work and various problems and customers she would know. She called again about 2 hours later and again talked for about 1/2'hkur. W stays in house on a Wednesday night and when I got home she was very chatty but not happy. Mi went off to garage to do a bit of work on S20s bike and when I came back up W was waiting to chat After this she and S20 went into the other room to watch a film. I went into them later to say goodnight and S 20 was heading upto bed. I said goodnight to W but she asked me to hang on
W asked if we could talk. She started by saying that D10 Had asked her if W would ever come home. W answeed maybe but she wasn't sure. I thanked W for her diplomatic answer and W said it was the truth. W said she missed the family very much and had nothing left in her life. She talked about Monday's text and how she had no one to talk to W then asked me how I was doing and if I would be honest as I always said I was ok
I told W that I WAS on but obviously life was harder now and my biggest problem was that I had lost my best friend. W burst into tears at this and said that she had lost her best friend and would not be replacing him She then asked if I had a new best friend, I was vague and told her it was a tough time for us all but life would be better again
W then said sorry for how she acted last year and she didn't leave me but just wanted a break from the stress and a the issues we had. I said I didn't want to go over the past as we both agree that we are both to blame and discussing it had no upside. W then went on to say she let resentment build up and she can see that now. I didn't respond as I felt that was just going over the past again. W asked how kids were REALLY doing and I said we were all dealing with a new sitch and we would get there. She burst out crying again and said she never wanted any of this I decided that we were getting nowhere so I said we were all doing the best we could and both of us could only do our best for kids.
I said goodnight and W asked for a hug and said goodnight sweetheart As I left she was crying but I went on to bed. This morning W was a bit cold but ok and I haven't heard from her today
I found during the chat W was coming forward and temp checking a lot. I just took a call from another friend of mine who's on Facebook and he said she needs looking after as she seems very down !!
I know not to read anything in our chat other than W is down at the moment.
Sorry for blow by blow account but it helps to type it out Thanks for stopping by (if you got this far !!!! ). Take care all. Rd
I got this far RD! Sounds like your W is thinking for sure. And realising what she has lost.....to gain? Not much.
Funny my H said something similar about just letting resentment build up. It's good that she is realising some stuff like this. And sounds like you did well not to rescue her. From what you write, you sound to be drawing a little further away from her in discussions like this. Do you feel that? That you have heard it so many times already, it's hard to keep sympathising/empathising? You did some good validation though.
What's your take on her being cold the next morning? Do you think it was because you left her crying? One thing I would say is that she still seems to be pretty 'self-focused' and there doesn't seem to be much appreciation of the harm caused to others. There's still a note of - I'm sooooo unhappy and confuuuused...
I think things are trickling along in a reasonably positive direction though RD. As long as you don't get too fed up and reach your tolerance limit...I'm struggling a little with this at the moment myself...
Take care lovely RD. xx
Hi Toots. I knew you would be there for me , thank you. I do think I am drawing away but only in as far as I don't know if W is able to help herself so what can I do ? She seems very lost
I'm there for her and she knows this. During the chat she did apologise and say a lot about how she felt that she did things very wrong. She spoke of a constant physical pain whenever she left the house When we talked of the future I was clear that I was moving forward and life would be good for me as I only was looking at life positively for from now on.
Toots , I do believe she was reaching out but we will see. Thanks Toots
Take care. Rd. xx
Toots , I do believe she was reaching out but we will see. Thanks Toots
Hi Rd,
Ah, I just caught up on your sitch. I find myself usually agreeing with Toots, and I agree with her again.
Please take it one day at a time my friend, try not to think too far ahead.
I wish you well.
Bob
Bob, agreeing with Toots is a bit of a contagion round these parts
RD, in some ways its like its only just occurred to your W what she's done but is still in the 'and woe is me for it' stage. I think at some point she will get to the stage that she really starts to comprehend her choices and their broader impact - I can see signs of it but im not sure if she feels that part or whether at the moment its still mostly self pity and resignation.
For what its worth I think you did a good job and I also think you did really well in expressing your feelings and ending the conversation when you did. She knows your there for her but also that your not some sort of limitless sponge for her negative emotions.
She can surely also see you're doing well and that you and the kids are fine without her.
Lots going on there but none of it decisive - more stars, but maybe they are a bit brighter.
Anyway take care RD
RD
(((((((((Hugs)))))))))
V
RD, your W should be grateful that she's married to you and not me. I would have little patience for her constant pity party. You have the patience of a saint. You are a good man.
Hi RD,
I was very happy reading your posts about your wife's moves lately. I know it sounds like self pity but she is slowly realizing that it is not what she wants or at least not what she thinks it would be.
Life is complicated. You said many times that you could be a bit better during your M, just because she left it is not an automatic "You are guilty" stamp. After 4kids, your sickness, house, cats, dogs, and a lot more, I can see myself going crazy too.
That's what happen to me, I gave up on life. I did not leave my family physically, but I can remember I left my family mentally many, many times.
Once she took that decision, it is hard to just turn around and say that you made a mistake and want to be back. First, you get even more confused and does not know for sure if you want to go back to the same torture, second you are full of guilty and shame.
I think you are walking in the right direction. Would help to know what is her Love Language? So you could go in that direction?
I read a story in the "success stories" here in this website, that tells how a man won his wife back just being her friend, having a lot of patience and being there all the time. He even says that he question himself many times, if he was not just a fool. He struggled seeing his W living with OM, but he was decided to fight for his M and he did. With love and lots of patience he got his wife back, and he said their R was better then ever.
So, it may take some time, but it is very possible that she was very stressed out, tired of life as it was, routine, kids. And I am not saying she doesn't value all this, she was just empty. Her love jar was empty.
What about dating her? Could it happen without being very obvious. Is she the kind of woman that will initiate anything? If not, then how do you expect her to move closer to you? I feel that she needs at least to have some kind of hope that you wouldn't cut her off if she tries to get closer. Do you think she knows she has the door open to her family and your heart?
Maybe I am a bit romantic, but I have this feminine side that needs some assurance from my H. Sorry, just being a girl here.
RD, I see it all very positive. It is also the work she has been doing with the L/C. Slowly she is getting more real and will regain her strength and confidence.
Hope you and your family are well,
Love
Pink
Bob, agreeing with Toots is a bit of a contagion round these parts
She can surely also see you're doing well and that you and the kids are fine without her.
First of all, Jim, that was very funny.
RD, I agree with Jim that you are doing well and your W sees how well the kids are doing, too. This shows me that you are a very good man.
Way to go!
Bob
Hi RD, just dropping in to say good morning....and to say I agree with Jim and Bob! You are doing well. You are there like a rock for your family, and that is something you will never regret for your whole life.
When the going got tough - you stayed and you toughed it out. That may sound like some indirect censure for your W. Because she didn't stay. But I don't mean it that way. She is pretty broken right now. She won't always be, but she will only heal in her own time, and what that means for your M, we don't yet know.
But for you - remember that you are a good man - and that is what really matters the most. Have a good day RD x
Great to read how this can start to work. Good luck
H all. Thanks for the posts. They mean a lot and when I'm down its great to have you all in my corner.
Nothing much to report. W still calls / texts most days , we had a long chat on the phone on Monday as W called just after I had taken some bad news re business and she was the next call. She offered to listen but I told her it's not really her concern ( in a nice way ) and W said we spoke about this last week and we should be there for each other as we had no one else as close as we are. I tried to explain to W that she had new friends and I wouldn't want my personal or professional business discussed elsewhere. W said she knew I was talking about her friend and while she did spend time with him she was not in an R with him and would not share anything to do with her family. I explained that I was not talking about anyone in particular but I did not know her circle of friends and did not know who they knew and sometimes things could spread without any intent. W got upset and said she felt I couldn't trust her after what she had done I validated and said this was business and left it at that. W then said I made her feel sad because she wanted to be there for me. I explained that I was not trying to make her feel anyway and that this was about business We had a chat about a few other things and that was it. Couple of texts today and she's staying in the house tonight. Thanks again all. Take care. Rd
Really hard when they want to be your best friend, your partner in family issues, business, etc.
I still wonder why it is so hard for them to understand that it is their choice to leave us and that means they are not part of our lives anymore?
I think you handled that as well as you could RD. Your wife is in a huge Denial right now. She may be tasting the bitter truth of her actions and the consequences of it.
Hope she wake up RD, for her own good and for her family. Why to insist in a miserable life as she is going through!
She does not know how luck she is that you give her space to share some things that happen in your life. Being patient with her and respecting her time, space and her position in the family.
Seems we are all a little bit low these days, maybe is the transition of seasons, maybe we are all getting a bit tired.
Hang in there RD. Hope you and the kids are enjoying some fun together.
Love,
Pink
Hi RD, sorry to hear you've had a tough few days with your business. I hope things improve for you soon my friend.
I agree with Pink. It is funny when we are fired by our spouses. But then they want to be our confidantes still. I think you did well to draw a boundary around that. It reminded me of Rubicon's comment to his W (that got many acolades this week.) I don't know if you read it, but he said much along the lines of - things have changed now (since you fired me.) I'm not going to do that any more..
Take Care RD xx
Evening RD,
For what its worth i just wanted to say well done on all of this. you show your wife a good strong family man while at the same time your are handling things like that business news in a courteous but distant way (in my reading of it anyway)
Whatever happens in your future i dont think anyone could say you could have done more (except for maybe a bit of RD centric GAL)
Take Care RD
Agree with the RD fan club here. You did a nice job validating but not getting sucked in. (Although I still don't know how you listen to her every day.) Keep it up.
Great to hear from you rd -- and you're doing so well keeping your boundaries in place. You're amazingly strong. I'm sorry you've been down and dealing with business stuff. I hope I can move forward with at least half the strength that you've demonstrated in this process!
Thanks to you all. The strength is on the outside W is still loved by me but I'm an expert at fake it until you feel it. I do find over time it gets easier to detach and only when triggered do I struggle
I have a few close friends that I confide in and my L/C and all of them are telling me to stand for my M because they all seem to think W is lost As I've Posted W does seem very lost but I'm not sure I have the patience to see what the outcome will be. For me W has made her choices in life and I have to accept them. We all think our sitchs are unique and I'm no different W left me with everything , she doesn't take cash even when it's offered , she does open up to me and tells me that I'm the one she confides in. I suppose I can only go on her actions and that's she living apart from me and spends time with OM.
don't know why the funk the last few days but it's life so I must deal with it.
Thanks again all Take care. Rd
don't know why the funk the last few days but it's life so I must deal with it.
My Man... It must be the week! I hit a funk earlier in the week too. Take solace and serenity in the fact that you will be good, and probably be better in the end (I would even venture to say you know this deep down inside somewhere you know that).
Keep your chin up!
I think you underestimate yourself with the 'strength only on the outside' comment. I don't agree with that. I think you are like a stick of Dublin rock with Strength running all the way through.
Sorry it isn't the best week, lovely RD. Sitches have such ups and downs. Edz was in a funk a month or so ago - and look at him now!
Things will turn at some point. Either your W will start to wake up. Or you will just start to feel more happy again and will keep moving forward. We'll be here good times and bad, so just keep posting. Are you and those lovely kids up to anything tonight??
xxxx (four kisses returned. A bonus two because you are in a funk. But don't tell Pink)
Hi Lovely one,
Missing me much? I miss flirting with you. Always keep me smiling. Lately, I kept giving space for my H to be in my toughs and I get all depressed.
Time to think when I am going to visit Ireland. My kids kept me laughing yesterday. Talking of who you might be. One of those rebellion guys from the IRA. They were trying to picture you picking me up at the airport with a super gun on your hands, then going outside and have this super Hammer w/a Bazooka installed on the side of it and an automatic installed in the roof. Wow, it was something, some fun!!!
Well, seems like most of us had a bad or not so great week, today is Thursday and we must be getting ready for the great week ahead of us.
After all what we have been through I do not think it can get much worse, at least about our M. So, time to look at the positive and re evaluate where we stand now.
I think we are all in a big Limbo, sitting there like ducks or like bull frogs, but we can all get a "Limbo" T-shirt for sure. It all socks, horrible to be like this, but like you said this is life and we need to deal with it.
Time to stirred some fun around these boards...
Rd, in another note, hope you had some good news reg your business. Your W is coming around thinking a little better, eventually she will see things with more clarity. You are doing all what you can, and your are doing the right thing. So, keep doing what works. Hope is still there.
Love
Pink
Thanks Toots and thank you Pink.
Toots , I feel that I am still way to attached to W. I know she spends time with OM and it always brings me crashing down. I mind read and assume so much that I drive myself mad. Today W drove into our gates and damaged her car. She called me and I told her that these things happen. When I got home she was very upset and hugged me. She left about an hour later and as she drove out I told her not to worry and it was only a car. W text me 15 mins later to say thanks for the support. Here's my issue. , W lives 20 mins away so couldn't be at home and OW lives 10 mins away so I assume she was outside OMs place. This upset me for about two hours I text W back to say no prob and she just answered thanks
I know I have to detach and that's why I'm weak I was with L/C today as D10 had an appointment ( shel loved it) L/C is still adamant that OM is not romantic and I need to be there for M and by extension my family but I feel that I. can't stay in limbo forever. You have read how W has come forward the last couple of weeks but how do I balance that against her spending time with OM I don't lose sleep over OM but I do get annoyed over my perception of Ws lack of feeling when she texts me from outside OMs place. I will add that W has no idea how much I think about this or even how I feel as I would never ask her anything about her life or give her any idea of how I'm feeling I always present a happy exterior and to be honest I am happy a lot of the time. Nothing happening withS kids tonight as I have a lot of cleaning to do
Pink. I often think of you and so wish we had met years ago There are good reasons that we can't contact each other on this board but I have been thinking of secret codes to give you my email so we could elope and live on a desert island with race tracks and plenty of dancing !!!!!!! Thank you for your support but I am really struggling this week. W is in a long cheeseless tunnel and while i appreciate I have no control, it's so hard seeing someone who was such a great aw and mother change into someone who I dont even know
Sorry for the long sorry go round post
Thanks again ladies. Rd. xx
W is in a long cheeseless tunnel and while I appreciate I have no control, it's so hard seeing someone who was such a great aw and mother change into someone who I dont even know.
Hello RD,
I read your last post. This must be so hard on you. The sentence of yours I quoted could've been written by me, or I supppose many other LBHs. Good way to phrase it.
As far as the detaching, it is so hard. I believe someone (wonder who?) mentioned that we are human, so these things are going to happen.
Hang in there and for your own good please stop trying to mnd read. (It's one of those things easier said than done.)
BTW, thanks for your post today in my thread. I was overwhelmed by how many kind people here posted today. I tried to write a little something to each of you. In case you missed it, this is what I posted in my thread and wanted you to know:
RD, I am about as human as they come, and I did check my phone today twice, The last time is when I noticed my text finally got delivered. And you're welcome, I love trying to support everyone on this forum, and thank you for your support as well.Regards my friend.
Bob
RD
My lovely personal IC when no IRL IC was there.
Your W has no consequences to her actions. RD is so tolerant and supportive, soft, daft and gentle with WW. I am very baffled by IC not seeing an EA by WW.
So RD its three xxx from V, splitting the difference between Pink and Toots
V
RD,
Making sure that my post contains no "X's" I don't want you to get any ideas.
I agree with Bob, that statement about seeing the changes can been written by any of us. Especially since everyone sees the destruction the WW is causing in their own lives....except themselves (oh no, an X)
As far as detachment, I never ever thought I would get there, I had a run in with WW about taxes a few weeks back in which I did EVERYTHING to try and make it easy and straightforward for her and she still chose to take a different route and change her mind from what we had originally planned. Well when her decision had negative consequences for her; she blamed me. The conversation that followed, she was yelling at me in front of D4. It was so ridiculous because she couldn't even explain how I was anyway responsible for it, when I asked her. She just kind of looked at me. At that point it all clicked in my head....there is no understanding their reason for actions; just understanding how they are reacting to life. It doesn't matter why something happened; their defense is to blame the LBH; even if they themselves can't justify it.
Well, it was the "last straw" of detachment. I would have never thought that I would get there just a few minutes prior. I went on with my evening; with little affect on my attitude. Since then, everything is clearer; the dark cloud seems to be lifted and surprisingly, my fear that I just "wouldn't care about her or our M" did not come true. It's just I finally accepted for myself I can't help her when she doesn't want help.
Hopefully your detachment happens soon, its freeing. Its the unexpected things that may make it happen, like me.
RD, honey, with all the Southern gentleness I can muster..what V said.
Lovely RD, I'm so sorry, and would echo what V and RPP say. You are remaining a supportive and constant presence for your W and it is causing you pain as you know she reaches out to you when she has just reached out or is about to reach out to OM. Whatever the status of her R with OM, it is at least an inappropriate friendship, and may well be more.
Perhaps RD should consider further moves to detach a little more. Maybe a GAL plan on W's night at the house. Becoming a little less supportive (but not unpleasant) and more 'business/practical' with W. Start to give the impression that RD has his limits too and they are being tested. I would love to see an RD (not family) GAL plan. Something just for you. Do you have any ideas RD?
Know this - whatever happens with your W - you are a great guy. That comes through in all that you write and all that you do. Nothing can take that away. Keep posting and working through this with us RD.
xxx
RD, I just had another thought. You're clearly a lovely and quite a nurturing guy. Do you think in your sitch you have become something of a father (or caring older brother) figure with your W. And that your approach may be enabling her to stay in child/teenage mode - because she doesn't really have to stand on her own two feet?
Some things you've said - getting her tyres done for her. Offering her £50 to keep her going - these would be just the kinds of things my Dad would have done when I was single. What if you took the view that - hey, you fired me as your H - these things are yours to own now. Not in a nasty way of course. More in a 'hey, I'm sorry to hear that. Hope you manage to get things sorted - gotta dash..." kind of way.
Why not just try ceasing any form of support right now - no listening ear to her woes, no practical 'fixing' support and no additional financial support. No mediating when she fluffs things up with the kids. Just giving the impression that, hey, I can't offer all of this to you any more - you'll have to find that somewhere else/sort it out for yourself.
My other thought is - what if you were to make some plans for a Wednesday night. And instead of your W coming over for family time, she comes over to 'watch' the family while you go out for the evening. Maybe not every week - but some weeks. What if you were to positively plan a drink out with a friend or similar that night and say to W. Just checking you'll be coming over as I'll be out that night.
I think these two simple changes do the following things. End any potential father/child dynamic. Force W to deal with her own stuff. Help you do something new for you. Help end this feeling of - hey, I just helped you and you're texting me from outside OM's house. Start to give W the message that RD wont always be there for me like my reliable Dad or older brother, so I'd better do some thinking here. He's become a bit more of an unpredictable guy...I think all of this would shake things up a little. Not being too extreme about it (bearing in mind your W's vulnerability right now) but just giving things a little mix.
Maybe all of this is a bridge to far, and forgive me if I'm crossing a line here. Maybe see what others think too.....
(((RD)))
Thanks Toots I've been think along the same lines. I do see the dynamic you pointed out during the M I am a fixer. If there is a problem I can normally get it resolved In my line of work I need to get things done for customers that would be considered near impossible in the normal run of events. My dad pointed out this same big brother / little sister thing when this first started and I have always been this way , with friends and family I have pulled back and on reflection I haven't keep the road home smooth because while I am there for W , in conversation I would always make it clear that we are a done deal.
Recently W was taking about her landlord finding out she had cats , I suggested on the renewal of her lease in 6 months that she ask him to amend it to include cats
W called yesterday to see how I was and tell me she had to collect D10 from school as D10 wasn't well. W said it was sad because she was there for the kids when they were ill before and now she wasn't. I said this was ours lives now and we would all adapt in time
I would always make it clear that I am not expecting W home and I don't think our sitch will change.
If I was W , i would think that while Rd was very nice and helpful he had no interest in reconciling
Toots I think it's time to end all contact with W save for kids related stuff. W has been gone 7'months now and while her life is far from happy she is getting on with it. Besides my friends on here , I confide in about 4 close friends/ family and my L/C. All of them want me to continue to be there for W because she is lost and going through a form of breakdown / MLC. You know how hard it is to keep on keeping on Toots and I have to deal with contact with W everyday My kids have to factor into any decision I make and I would happily give my life for them , it's just the pain of seeing someone you have loved for 25 years daily knowing they no longer love you
I will detach in a physical way and put some distance between W and me and I hope this will give me some relief I don't want to go against L/Cs advice but maybe I should.
Thanks Toots , I really appreciate your input and concern. Take care. Rd
Hi RD,
you have quite the fan club
Unsurprisingly I agree with Toots - it could be that your supportive nature could is enabling her to stay lost. Sometimes people only grow up when they have to
You can still be there for your W because its not a black and white thing. The wednesday evening GAL i think is a really good thing to consider for a whole bunch of reasons
Hope your having a good weekend
Hi Iim thanks for posting. I think I'm done with W. I will be there if she's ever really stuck but Ive been thinking long and hard about my sitch and Rd needs to move on. I'm not mature enough to deal with W and OM and aw was obviously not who I believed her to be. I have held my hands up to my many many faults during M so I'm not blaming W for how we got here
It sad for my kids and me but life goes on. I've been thinking a lot anout a future R and I don't think I'm cut out for one My life will be full with kids and I have a business to run There are so many good people on here and I'm not sure if I would have got to where I am without you all I hope its cool if I stay on the boards and support others because I have gained so much knowledge from the books and this site I would love to share it.
Thanks again Jim. Have a good weekend. Take care Rd
Morning lovely RD. I'm sorry you're having a tough time. Hey listen, I'm worried now that what I posted yesterday may have contributed towards your frame of mind today. I didn't mean to suggest that you should be thinking about being 'done' at all. I see many similarities between your sitch and mine - apart from gender of course :-)
I think we are both married to people who are worth being married to - but who have become lost, adrift, confused and all that goes with that. It isn't a great state of affairs, but it may well be retrievable in time. The big thing that has really mattered to me is that I didn't want to give up on our M too soon. Our R, our M and our vows matter a great deal to me, and I really meant it when I said for better for worse. Now things are 'for worse' for sure, but it matters to me that I truly did all that I could before moving on. And I'm not ready to move on just yet.
Now, I'm not suggesting that you do anything either way. And my train of thought yesterday was purely about your approach and changing your level of availability and support, which could then impact on your sitch going forwards. Is it worth thinking about changing things a little, rather than going all the way to being done? There is more that you could do to protect yourself, draw back and keep moving forwards without fully being done - a nice GAL activity just for RD would be one example. I'm sure there are others.
Anyway, of course it is your decision and we'll all support you whatever you decide. I just wanted to be clear that this isn't what I was hoping for in my posts to you yesterday. As for future R's, there's no need to make decisions about those right now (what, not even Pink or I???) How you feel today may not be how you feel in six months, a year, or longer.
Take care RD ((((RD)))) xxx
Oh, and another thing - then I need to dash! It has really helped me reading some of the stuff by the Conway's on MLC. I read the Men in MLC book, but there is a woman's one too. I have been able to accept much more of what is going on, having read some of that stuff.
xx
Thanks Toots, please don't think you had anything bad to do with my thoughts. I have always admired how you handled BD and how you deal with everything. I am down but at the same time Im not the person who can deal with what's happened W was great, caring and a great mum. All that's gone and I have to accept that She has chosen someone else and left the family. It's what she wants and that's that. For me , the betrayal is to much , I don't hate her or
Anything like that , she is in a bad place financial and doesn't appear to have a good life from what she tells me. It's 7 months and nothing seems to be changing re her choices and the recent coming forward is classic temp testing
Re another R , I don't want to be disappointed again. I'm not a bad person and I would never rule anything out. I would kill for someone like you or Pink and I'm not kidding. All the ladies on this sites have done so much to try to change for themselves and their R that any of them would be great catchs for future partners
I will always be grateful to all on here who have helped me there is a select few that I would have as friends in the real world because you have always been there for me.
Toots I started with my new approach yesterday and where I would normally see W for a couple of hours I got it down to 4 mins. She called this morning and where we would have chatted for 10 mins it was only 2 W made a choice for herself and I have now made one for me
Thanks toots. Your advice and support was always valuable to me and I will follow your thread My L/C believes things happen for a reason and so do I. Your lsitch has plenty of opportunity because your ab will emerge from MLC eventually
Take. Rd. xx
RD, thanks for being discreet about us. It would upset Pink and Toots. (Kidding, girls!). I like that you have taken action to cut down the contact with W, I think it will do you a world of good to not have to hear her misery. I know you'll always be there for her, but not having it in your ear all the time leaves more room for what you want RD. Good job.
I'm just adjusting this for you RD..
"W was great, caring and a great mum. All that's gone just now, and I have to accept that for the time being She has chosen someone else - albeit they may be only a friend - and left the family. It's what she wants and that's that at least for now."
I guess I'm just saying there's no more or less hope for your sitch than any of ours. I recall Wonka posting somewhere that hardly any sitches improve in the first 9 months after BD, so it is still relatively early days. But only you can decide what's right for you.
Having said that, I agree with RPP - it's no bad thing to limit contact - to protect your own heart if nothing else, and not enable your W further. And if you can do it in a DB way - busy, breezy and not cold - even better. And in the meantime, you know that there at least three lovely virtual ladies out there who think you're great!!
xx
Hi rd,
While I don't post anything about my sitch anymore, I do however try to catch up on yours on a weekly basis. You Are very strong and doing great job with your children but the others are correct in saying you need to distance yourself more from w. It was w choice to seperate herself from you but when things get tough for her she relies on you.
From what I've read and experienced this is a typical WAS trate, leave her be rd she needs to feel the weight of her choices, it reminds me of taking the stabilisers off a child's bicycle.
You've done your bit rd, get busy living again and let w worry about w, I know it's hard but it's the way it has to be mate.
I've not read the books so not sure if it's good advice but Its advice based on my own experience and I can tell you for absolute fact that you will feel better for it.
You don't have to be cold or nasty, just don't catch her when she falls everytime.
There's no need to be trying to show her what she's missing, she will realise it herself when the time comes, what she does from there nobody knows , you just take care of rd and children.
hope I've not spoken out of turn or broken board rules in any way, just trying to offer support.
I've been thinking a lot anout a future R and I don't think I'm cut out for one My life will be full with kids and I have a business to run
RD - You receive praise on a weekly if not daily basis for grace under pressure, for compassion, nurturing, etc. You know what kind of person you are, and others do as well. Your quote above sounds like surrender. Like oh boy, I guess not only can I not save my marriage but I can NEVER have another relationship either. Both of which are fallacies.
I believe you can have anything in this world that you want. All you have to do is figure out what you want. Perhaps you don't want another relationship, perhaps you don't want your W. I think you should try to figure out what you do really want and do that.
If you still have some hope, and you are still willing... look at your situation with a beginner's mind. What aren't you doing that you could be doing, what can you be doing better? Do what works!
Hi RD, I'm just checking in to see how you are doing today. I know it was a tough weekend for you. Have you stayed pretty much pulled back as you planned?
Have things settled down on the business front? Hope those lovely kids are all doing okay. Any change with W at all?
Look forward to hearing from you my friend (((RD)))
RD
You know that I have always believed that you need some privacy as an adult WW comes to your room and into the whole of the house.
RD, you are a very special man and friend. As one friend to another, I really believe that by being so supportive of WW you are prolonging your problem and hers.
Let WW find out the true consequences of her actions, have some adult GAL, you soft daft loving dad.
RD, as part of your family, I want you happy for the 100% of your life. And more.
V
Hi all. Thanks for posting. Work taken a real hit but it is what it is. Life goes on and it means I'll have to recruit a new manager and that's not something I enjoy.
Kids doing well 'S16 won an award and we are off to a big presentation next week
He' has an allocation for two of us and D10 and I are going S16 is really pleased and it's nice to see. D10 a little down but ok. D14 has been invited to a concert soon so she's really happy and S20 is over the moon because I ve offered him a summer job so he can afford to upgrade his motorbike.
Nothing to report on W. Stayed out of her way pretty much and just had a couple of calls and texts over the last few days. She did call today and I had one of my old drivers in for a days driving as I had a driver leave on Friday. The relief driver also plastered my extenstion a few years ago and knows W. When I explained to W that I told him she had left , W was very unhappy and said she didn't just leave , that we wernt getting on and we seperated , I just said ok and changed the subject. She did start to tell me how her kitchen was flooded last night so I just nicely said call the landlord and finished the call.
Thank you all for the support and I think Mahhhty is right , I've given up. My attitude on helping W through her fog hasn't changed , I just want to be over all the anguish and pain. Re a new R at some stage I don't believe I could ever trust anyone again so why risk going through this pain again.
Iim sure their are decent people out there as shown by this board but finding them would not be easy. I re read my last post and it had the ring of poor RD to it. I don't feel that way just realistic , W was / is a really good person and she lost her feelings for me That's really hard to accept but I must The last 7 months have let me see my mistakes in my M and I'm on the road to becoming a much better person. My kids have a much better Dad and I have vastly improved Rs with my Ds.
You are all really kind to continue posting. I have a bit of housework to do and then prepare school lunches and I will return to the board and catch up on everyones sitch.
Take care all. Rd
RD
Let WW deal with her stuff isn't giving up. It is just another way, a 180 of concentrating on RD.
It is letting WW realise that she has to be for herself. OM won't take up the slack, to be sure.
RD, the ladies in this virtual world of ours, are flirting, seeking your on line company, queuing to meet you. lovely lasses like Pink are outrageous for RD. there are many lovely ladies out there in Ireland just waiting to meet RD.
There; came over all unnecessary.
Besides WW didn't lose her love for RD, or give it away, she lost her selflove. She no longer loves herself.
Oh and it's ok you know to self soothe and revel in your sadness.
RD, if big sis V was with you, she would set up a full interview panel for RD dating, with the kids veting candidates.
V
Thanks Vanillia. You could not be on the vetting board and a candidate at the same time !!! Thanks for the Knd words I will never say never but I'm relaxed about it. I don't see an R in my future with time restraints and looking after my crew at home I think even the ladies on here would struggle to cope with my baggage
Take care. Rd
Hi RD - maybe just tell yourself that you don't see another R in the near future. That would be healthy - things remain uncertain with your W, but you are drawing back at this point and leaving her to her own struggle. Not moving on, but moving further forward and detaching. Good job with the pleasant - well, call the landlord - comment.
I bet there would be many lovely ladies out there who would jump at the chance to help you cook a roast for your lovely family and join in the warmth, love and fun. So what you call baggage, others may see as something much more welcome and positive. There is some self-pity in your posts recently. It's maybe worth having a look and a think about that...
From where I'm sitting, your attitude and approach has taken a shift within your sitch. That needn't mean the end, unless you want it to be (and I suspect you aren't there yet) - but like me, plenty of patience and detachment may be called for at this point...
Have a good day RD xx
Hi RD, first time poster, to your thread, hope you don't mind me adding my two cents....please don't under estimate what a package you might be for the right woman...I moved 1000's of kms, for a guy in a small rural town, who is a paraplegic and had a 8 year old daughter! What is someone's baggage was my dream man and family I always wanted! Please keep a little glimmer of it in the back recesses of your mind...
Hi Toots and JellyB. , thank you both for your comments. Toots you are so right , I do feel very sorry for myself at the moment. I'm not sure why, only a couple of weeks ago W was coming forward and mentioned coming home I have stood back and think its comes down to the trust thing. W was a very supportive and caring W She had plenty of faults but who doesn't. The one thing I thought was I could trust her I've said before how my dad left when I was 11 and whether this caused my trust issues or not I have always had them. My self pity comes from this I think. How could I trust anyone again If the one person I would have trusted my life with is capable of letting me down then anyone is
JellyB. thanks very much for posting. I will catch up on your sitch shortly. As I have said before , all the ladies in this site would be a great catch because you all are sticking by your H through incredibly hard times I follow Toots , Pink , Rppfl, Vanillia and Ahoys posts very closely and they all are fantastic ladies that deserve so much more from their Hs. As I said to toots , it's the trust issue I would have going forward and I can work to overcome that or accept what is. I can only control myself and having expectations of others is not somewhere I want to be
Thanks again ladies Have a good day. Rd
You are well respected by the amazing women here RD, that says a lot about the man you are. I appreciate you reading my thread, but don't fuss about that. There is not much happening in sitch. I just feel blessed to be here. You are very kind to others and I just wanted to acknowledge that. jB x
Hi RD
Thanks for your continuing support on my sitch, all positive vibes to you my friend. I can only echo what all the others have said, all changes start with you for you and the kids. If nothing else the last 9 months have helped me get a handle on my depression and move on keeping it on a tightly controlled leash and build my relationship with my son. Even the changes in relationship with w have come from that.
You are doing so well, just keep on keeping on and let w set her mind to doing the same for her. Regardless of who its with you will have happy, fun and warm days believe in that and enjoy the family.
Edz
RD
I see you about on others threads and just came over for a hug.
V
Thanks Vanillia Really needed it. Take care. Rd
Hey Rd,
I replied to your heart-felt post in my thread. Thank you so much.
Hey, would you mind a hug from me? LOL
Please hang in there! You are a wonderful man who so many of us on this forum care deeply about.
Bob
Hi RD. I hope you are feeling a bit more upbeat - you have lots to be positive about and you also have quite the fan club (granted not on the same level as the cult of 'I agree with Toots' but a fan club none the less
).
How goes the being slightly more distant from your W? What are you planning for your Wednesday GAL?
Thanks for the hug Bob. Never refuse a good hug !!!!!
Hi Jim. Thanks for checking in. Not doing well mate. Met L/C last Thursday's and it didn't go well. L/C has met with W recently and is convinced OM is nothing but a friend to W I don't agree so L/C doesn't think she can help me any further because she is giving me advice based on her opinions formed after meeting W . This was tough to hear as L/C has helped me a lot and I have huge respect for her
I have pulled back from W and been out when she's called to house and responded to texts politely but shortly. I was driving home Friday night and got a call from W which I sent to voicemail. I got another 2 mins later so I answered. OM had left his door key at work and asked W to drop it off as she drives past his door to get home. W called to my house to collect D14 and as they set off D14 saw a text from OM about leaving the key in local shop for him to collect. D14 told W to take her back to my house as she wanted nothing to do with OM. W was calling me to explain. I just said drop her home and why did W have to get involved on the one night she has D14. When I got home both Ds were very upset and W was gone. W then called and asked to speak to D14. W was crying I asked D14 to speak to her which she did and W came back and collected D14
When they got to Ws flat D14 told W that she wanted nothing ever to do with OM or Ws friends. W was crying the whole time and told D14 she was just friends with OM and OMs sister. W told D14 that she was incredibly sad and missed her family D14 told her never to mention OM again or D14 and W could not be friends anymore. W promised she wouldn't mention anything again
Jim , all this is head wrecking because W could have dropped off key before collecting D14 and no one would have known. I've given up on the M as I have said before and I'm meeting with solicitor tomorrow's of see how I can remove W from my life. I still love her but I can't see anyway back that we would all be happy with. I will treat her as the mother of my kids deserves to be treated All I want is for her to be out of my life as much as possible. This might mean selling the house and moving to a different area I will see what solicitor advises. I can't go for D because it's a 5 year wait in Ireland. Legal seperation looks like the best option but again I'll wait and see what solicoor has to say.
This is a really hard decision and its against all the advice from my circle of supporters W seems to be completely lost and if I could help her I would Im not sure of Ws response to Solictors letter but it doesn't really matter. I can't live my life like this anymore
Jim , I so admire people who can stand for their M and I wish I had their strength but I dont. My outlook on my future is I will be happy again and I will live a full life. My kids are all important at the moment and I have my business to build back up. I do get sad and lonely and just recently very angry at the waste Maybe this is grieving , maybe not.
Thanks for checking in mate. Rd
Hi Rd
about time I come over to you after all the support you've shown in my threads.
Ive said before we need a hand on shoulder icon here!
Sorry to hear about the above, you're being strong for you and the kids and its a horrible situation to be in to feel you cant keep going with a situation. As everyones bored of hearing me say my sitch is different in that there was no third party but the tail end of last year and the begining of this I felt utterly lost and wondered should I just give up and start again, w was showing no signs of contacting me or moving forward.
I know retrospectively she was working through a lot, theres no slam dunk to my sitch, could all still fly apart but we're talking and moving and I know now what she was thinking in those times I thought there was little to no hope. In short if you want to stop for you and the kids because thats what you need or you need to move in another direction and cant until you do then you should but be wary of that fatigue and tiredness that creeps over when you're standing or actively trying to be the one who has hope for the relationship.
In my case I needed a hell of a lot of work on me both for me and for any hope of my m and I hope Ive at least made a good start on that. Your case is different but it may be that w is lost and is trying to find herself and where she wants to be but ultimately thats something she needs to do.
Maybe a solicitors letter will be a reminder of what else she stands to lose and may facilitate changes? Either way given all the work, effort and love youve poured into the sitch and your family mate you should do whats right for you and them, we're all here for you.
Cheers
Edz
Thanks Edz. Appreciate the support mate Solicotors letter will be re the legal seperation and I believe the court date will be included. I'm not trying influnce W one way or the other. Just trying to get this done asap so W , kids and I can all move on and deal with the fact that M is now over officially I see a lot of short term sadness for kids but they will be able to deal with something concrete and start to grieve and then live their new lives. Your own sitch has been inspiring and I always smile when I think of the day you tell S. Wonderful !!!
Thanks again mate. Rd
RD I'm happy you are at least talking to the solicitor. Something has to be done to shake up your such as its not working for any of you. Brave move. Good job.
RD I couldn't help but thinking about your sich as I was at the gym this morning. And I don't understand where your LC is coming from. Who cares if OM is just a friend, your W's relationship with him has interfered with your M and with her parenting. It could be anything, a PA, an EA, an online shopping habit, a bottle of rum, an obsession with spin class. Until it goes, there can be no restoration.
I know you admire LC and I'm sorry she feels like she can't help you anymore, that must feel like a loss in and of itself. I hope you can find someone else that you admire as much to help you on the next part of the journey.
Hi RD,
Sorry to hear you dont feel your doing well. from an external perspective it looks like you are in all practical senses but i know full well thats not the same as feeling it.
I would give you a manly reassuring hug but i dont want things to get all awkward between us or make pink jealous
Can you explain what your L/C said in a little more detail please? did she say she cant help you at all any more was it more specific?
I'm off out for a bit now but i'll check in later
Hi Jim. L/C has been involved since Before W left and has had the opinion that there is no OM When W left I was convinced that W left to be with OM. over the last 6 months W has seemed very unhappy and my circle of friends have all voiced the opinion that W could not be involved with some lone else due to her behaviour. While L/C had convinced me that W was not with OM romantically she did concede that by now W could be W then asked to see L/C out of the blue. I told L/C and she was pleased because W knows that L/C would ask about OM W went to L/C and L/C is now more convinced than ever that W is not with OM in anything other than friendship and not even a close one. When I spoke with L/C 'I voiced my opinion that W was with OM and L/C then said that she couldn't help me because I wouldn't listen to her. She said I was better off seeing a counsellor who would listen to my opinion. L/C is convinced W Is
Completely lost and needs me to be there for when she needs me L/C has also met my Ds and thinks I should stand because my family is repairable
Jim L/C is a fantastic lady and I'm not sure if her not seeing me anymore is a wake up call. I am fixated on OM and it has caused the end of my marriage I'm over the mental torture of them together and now I focus on how W lied to me and spends time with OM
W called today a started on about money and how she can't afford her car anymore and how she applied for a job cleaning but didn't get it. It's tougn to hear but I just validated and told her I had a meeting to go into It's very hard to hear someone you loved and cherished for 25 years crying down the phone about stuff like this.
I hope once the Solictors letter is delivered then W will stop calling and get on with her life.
Thanks to the interest Jim . Really appreciated. Rd ( my boys hug me every night before bed so a manly hug is always welcome BUT if their was a line Pink would be at the front !!!!!!!!)
RD, typing on my phone, which drives me nuts! Just wanted to wish you luck & give you a big lady hug ((((RD)))) and a few kisses xxxx (and don't tell Pink okay??)
Thanks Toots As much as I apprecaite Jims hug you know yours are better.
My solicitor is a family friend and has acted for me for the last 20 years He is an expert in company and family law He was chairman of the family court board for a long time and has been through a divorce himself.
I'm not looking forward to W getting the letter but it is what it is.
take care Toots and enjoy Mr Tolle. Rd. xx
And Sunny is feeling like chopped liver...
Hi Sunny Thanks for your post While I always value your opinion I was working late so just had mash , some fish and green beans followed by a cup of tea made by D14 with a small slice of apple crumble
Take care. Rd xx
Hi RD
Thanks for the explanation.
I'm going to ask a question and you are of course free to not answer it.
What if OM is just someone she knows who had somewhere she could crash and that now she is stuck there because she is afraid to come back but cant see an alternative or is afraid of being alone. That there really truthfully is (and hasnt been) and EA/PA or anything like it?
What if the whole key thing was OM knew she would be out and arranged a problem that he knew would interfere with your W's plans?
I went through a phase of torturing myself over what my W is doing and who she is with and how much happier her life would be without me. But so much of that is my own insecurities and jealousy talking with only limited facts - now i have the difference that i saw the evidence and my XW has since admitted to OM1 but i also realise now my views about the other OMs is only supported by circumstantial evidence at best.
some of the biggest issues in my marriage (at least in terms of my contribution to its downfall) were about my incessant and destructive rumination as i would mentally torture my self about my own inadequacies which then presented in negative ways.
So this is why i ask those what if questions, because what if the worst feelings you have are truly only in your head? how would you look at your W? how would you see your situation?
My XW doesnt lean on me in the slightest and when i read some of the other situations round here i'm glad of that because i cant imagine how hard that would be for my emotions to manage.
So despite how it might feel to you are doing well
By the way did your L/C ask you what you want from seeing her by any chance?
Hi Jim. Thanks for the questions. Last one first. L/C is all about living your life from you and not from insecurities or programs as she calls them. for example I have always struggled with jealousy and the need for someone to love me Over the last year 7 months L/C has helped me get this in to perspective
When I went to L/C it was to try to save my M. W also went because she wanted the same but once I found out about OM it came to a head and W left.
Jim re the part about OM , I'm torn and somedays I'm convinced she's not with him and others im convinced she is I hoe it's ok but I will just lost a few pros and cons and then I will answer the "what if "'question.
Pros.
W. Left
W was driving OM to various hospitals for his mental health issues
W smoke weed with OM and he stays overnight with her
W confides some in OM
W is friendly with his sister
W does a lot of running around for OM chemist , doctors , lifts to work etc
W. Spends time with OM
CONS
W appears to have no help with basic things like her car re simple things the ting mirrors etc hat any friend would help with
W seems in a very very troubled state and turns to me non stop for simple things like telling me about her day or her family
W is letting her appearance go. W has always been very smart
W is reaching out to my L/C again and has L/C convinced OM is not romantic
W has recently started to make contact with my mum
W has posted very sad things on Facebook which all my friends have access to. I'm not on Facebook
W has mentioned coming home in an oblique way
W texts and calls me most days
W tells me that she is much more unhappy now than before
Jim. Re the what if she's telling the truth sceniro. Then it would cjhange things because I do love her and I would love to have my family complete , however I also think that W made choices for herself and I have to respect those choices and can I ever trust what she says re OM
At the moment I have chosen a path and I will stick to it. W seems to be sticking to her path but it's very sad to see as she is a shell of her former self
I hope I answered all your questions Jim and I appreciate you taking the time to ask
Take care. Rd
Hi RD,
Thank you for answering the questions. I'm going to carry on a little further if you dont mind.
I like the sound of your L/C by the way - if only because i know my own insecurities have dominated too much of my thinking and have caused too many problems in my life. My XW lays all of the problems in our M at the door of my insecurities.
OK so I started trying to type this post a while ago and its been rattling around as i'm having difficulty finding the right words to explain what i mean, so im just going to go for it and hope it makes sense.
When you look at your pros and cons list or anything else, you are taking a series of bits of information and forming a narrative - the tone of the narrative and the place it leads can vary significantly based on how you choose to interpret the bits of information, which bits you emphasise and how you mentally fill in the gaps.
By way of example and i think this is quite well known but there is a plot synopsis for Finding Nemo (an excellent film) which says something like
A serial killer murders a mans wife and family, only one of his children survives the attack but is left disabled. On the child's first day of school he is kidnapped and the father must pursue the kidnapper to rescue his son with the help of a mentally disabled woman.
now in this terms its a pretty bleak movie but its really not and my kids love it. But hopefully you can see how we described a situation greatly affects the conclusions we draw about it.
So can you relook at your Pros list and put a narrative against that says your W is telling the truth? what does that look like?
i'm just going to continue on a hypothetical line for a moment(and i really hope im not causing any offence or overstepping here).
Lets say your everything your W has said is 100% true and that she is lost and she feels lonely and that she is just desperatelty clinging on to whatever feels like it might give her some stability. What if i could somehow prove that there was nothing more to her relationship with OM other than he gave her somewhere to stay and they have become slightly dependent on each other in the way two people with similar issues can but there is nothing romantic at all? would that change how you feel? How would that change what you do?
i know im prying and but i worry that RD is feeling down and has fears that may not be founded and are more to do with RD's 'program' as your L/C would call it. and that this is causing you to suffer more than you need to and is holding you back from being the kind bright and positive beacon that helps your W find her way out of the fog.
I dont know, i might be way off, but i would hate for you suffer any more than you have especially if the reality of what is hurting you isnt as bad as you think.
But even if it is all as bad as you think, can you see how lost she is and forgive her for how her choices have hurt you and your family?
You're a good man and a good father and its good to concentrate on the good things in your life
Take care of yourself RD
PHi Nim. I want to really thank you for taking the time you are on me
L/C is just fantastic and called me today to see how I was. Her whole thing is getting rid of the programs and living from the real you She says your first reaction to a sitch is the real you and a nano second later the program kicks in
She is very much along DB lines but thinks in my sitch W needs me and our connection is all important L/C thinks W didn't leave me as much as leave the family unit because she is lost and not thinking straight. L/C thinks when W left she thought she wanted one thing but couldn't justify it to herself so left. The only support she got was from OM and his sister. L/C also agrees with your thoughts on OM leaning on W and visa versa. L/C is sure W will be back and points out that W has done nothing to improve her life or move on with her own life
Jim, I put down my lists to give you bullet points but there is so much more on the cons list that even I sometimes think OM can't even be a decent friend let alone more
It all comes down to my programs Jim. And that's why L/C is getting on my case
IF W was even telling 90% truth I would have tried to work on the M but as time goes on it appears that W is very troubled and getting worse She has made choices without really thinking them through and they are starting to bite
W cannot survive on her income she kept the children's aloownace and that pays her rent. She bought a car that is way to expensive to run and I lent her the money to tax it. The tax is now due again and she told me a few days ago that she can't pay me the loan money. I just said ok because regardless of OM she is seriously troubled and I don't think she can continue much longer.
At this stage I worry for her mental health but I can only control me
I have a friend in Surrey whos W died this time last year and who actually Iintroduced me to W call yesterday. When I told him of my planshe as good as begged me to stand because he said he has experienced true loss. He is also one of the friends who has seen the FB postings
I was with solicitor today and it didn't go as I thought He's a family freind and has told me to think about my plans for a month. We had a long chat and he was telling me that unless there was / is violence or abuse of some kind then he wants me to be 100%!sure because once it starts he said it can get very messy very quickly I explained my story and he said it sounds very much like issues got out of hand and will not resolve themselves without external intervention. He also told me that he divorced 22 years ago and regrets it everyday. He didn't go into details so I don't know the ins and outs. Long and short of it , I will take his advice and also reflect on your advice Jim Toots has also posted along your lines and I thank you both. It's incredible that strangers would put so much effort into my sitch.
Thanks Jim no question re this is too intrusive. Take care. Rd
Strangers?? Me and Nim?? I don't think so! Gosh, that's interesting advice from your solicitor RD. He sounds like a wise friend. And he regrets his D every day for 22 years - that's so sad isn't it. For sure, it isn't worth making early or hasty decisions about D. Not suggesting that you are doing that at all....
RD, have you read much stuff about female MLC? Some of the stuff by Jim and Sally Conway might be useful to read. Also, is your W going through menopause just now? I have found reading some MLC stuff really useful. Not that it justifies my H ongoing behaviour, but it helps me understand better.
It sounds like your W may be headed for a financial crisis RD. What's your plan there if she seeks help from you? Also, my comment on OM is he sounds like a lost soul himself. And W sounds more like a 'carer' for him than anything else (tho the overnight thing is concerning obviously..) But when I read about your pros and cons it almost looks to me that she has replaced care for the family (which she wasn't coping well with - with care for him?)
Just take it slow and steady RD - no sudden moves - but maybe a little RD centric GAL?? xx
Hi Toots Yes W is going through menopause for the last 18 months W has also said she thinks she is going through MLC or a breakdown.
W has had a lot of problems due to menopause and ones that would not encourage an active sex life.
Also L/C has told me that's drunks like OM have had years of councelllors are are able to pick up on unhappy people and get them on their side as it were
All this started when W told me she no longer want a sex life but wanted us to remain a married couple and grow old together. I did not handle the sitch well at all and basically told her that we should split
Toots , I am very hung up on OM and that put the nail in the coffin for me I'm not able to get over it so I must move on. I have tried to see it through a neutrals eyes and some days I can but going forward Im not sure I can mange my trust issues with anyone.
I will look for the books you suggested and thank you. I have my circle of advisers that help me and all of them are telling me to stand for the M I will give it the month and see what I'm feeling then
Re the financial side it's very difficult because W is the mother of my kids and was
My best friend for a long time I suppose I will be there as best I can
Take care Toots. Rd. xx
Hi RD. I had missed or forgotten the detail about your W not wanting sex. I don't know exactly what you did to not handle it well, but that is a bleak perspective from my viewpoint. So if W were to snap out of her crisis, are you hoping you two will carry on in a sexless M? I'm not judging, just asking what you are hoping for.
Hi Sunny. W has since said she analyised herself and feels the sex thing was because she had convinced herself that I didn't love her. She has a degree in psychology and is now putting it to use ? Since S20 was born W had a low sex drive and now with menopause I think the sex thing was maybe off the cards for a while due to various body issues such as weak bladder and the like ( don't want to get too descriptive !!
Thanks for posting. Take care. Rd
Hi Sweet Rd, finally got updated on your posts too. I am becoming so bad in posting. Hope that when kids are out of this crazy end of school time, things will be a little more normal.
You are being stubborn Rd...I am pretty much black and white, but to be a woman only a fool would leave, I need to learn how to be a little gray or rainbow sometimes.
You are not sure if your W is with OM or not, then do some investigation. I will tell you, it hurts, but you at least get out of the dark. Don't fight ghosts that will take you to scary places. If you can't do the search yourself, then get a private investigator. No one needs to know this. Just you.
If you can do, then plan ahead and think about how you could find out what is she up to. Let's say you go to her place late at night one day, when she is not expecting. You can have some whatever excuse, but you can do the checking.
It's nonsense to hurt for something that you don't know for sure. I did, it's wrong, it hurts, it's not DB but I know myself and I like to see with my own eyes to believe.
Jim's point of view is very interesting. It makes you think that you may have a point w/OM or it is all in your reading minds, between lines, insecurities, jealousy, and whatever. But because you feel this way, doesn't make her guilty of doing it.
My EX H's aunt almost finish her M during her menopause. She went crazy, very depressed and she felt like she was the ugliest woman on earth. The couple S for awhile and then her H decided to help her. They are together now and they are happy.
And, why don't you talk with her. Does she knows you don't want this S or D? Does she knows she can talk to you about your R? Does she knows she can talk to you about her real issues?
There are so many unanswered question in your sitch. Maybe we collaborate for this. During this whole time we have been impressed with your kindness towards your W and your strength to be the single parent for your kids.
The truth is that now you have the challenge to face your sitch and find out what is what in there. You are obviously tired, maybe even exhausted. I know because I need to deal with it all every day. Please RD, settle down a bit, think a little more about all what is going on.
You mention mental illness, is there any other case that is similar in her family? You mention the sexual side of it, well, menopause is known for destroying a lot of M. Some women have a very hard time while on this menopause roller coaster.
Did you ever talk to her about MC? Is she willing to work on the M? Could you make a consultation with one of the DB coach and get some more direction in what could you try in your specific situation?
And besides all the above, now you may understand why some adult GAL needs to be in place, even when you need to force yourself to do it at first. Your head is boiling w/crying children, preparing meals, cleaning house, running a business, listening to WAW, writing on this forum. You really need to give yourself some fresh air, some few hours just for RD.
You are a fantastic nice and caring person, so be that person to yourself once in a while. Life full of obligations and none of fun is a desert without rain, it will make you tired, then thirsty, then weak and it will kill you eventually.
Please RD, as much as I would love to be Mrs RD one day, it for sure needs to be with a guy in one piece. Try everything you can, fight for your family and for your M. Work on your mental health too. I don't hear RD goes to the gym to release those good chemicals in your brain to make you happier. You will need to take care after yourself and let wife be.
You may talk to her, and you probably know how, about many issues or you may decide to let things happen. But you don't need to give up just now. Your future life will be better if you exhaust all your choices before throwing the towel.
Hey RD, today I feel better. Not miserable like many other times. I am feeling pretty and there is some peace inside of me today. So, today I will seat down and you can lay your head and your troubles on my lap. You can cry and let go the hurt, the wounds that are pushing you down. Time to time, I think we need to seat with our pain and let it hit hard, because when we are done, we are a bit stronger.
So the whole crew here also wants to read about your GAL PLANS for the next few days. It does not need to be lady related (I am kind of jealous. But remember that the man you make happy today is the man that will be and feel happy tomorrow. And when I arrive in Ireland some of these days, I want to meet that happy man.
A huge hug to you and a big kiss. Smile, life can be fun.
Love,
Pink
Hi Pink. Thanks for the kind post. Lots to post but I will try to keep it short
Last night D16 was at an award ceremony to recieve an award for French. It was held in the second biggest university in Ireland and s16 did not tell his mum we were going until last week When I got home to collect them to go W was.very upset that she wasn't going. When we left D10 was looking beautiful in her dress and S16 looking handsome in
his uniform. I wore a dark blue suit that does look ok on me W burst into tears as we where leaving and told me a looked good
We went with D10' and it was a wonderful and inspiring evening. I really felt for
W because it was somewhere she shoul have been When we got home W was watching a film with S20 and D14 was very upset because W has texted someone and told D14 it was Ws sister. D14 could see it wasn't. ( wasn't OM either) so called W a liar. S16 was very proud and showed W his medal and certificate. W asked me how it was and I told her fantastic I do appreciate she was. Sad she missed it so I got changed and went into front room for twenty mins before I went to bed. I said goodnight to S20 and W but she did not reply.
This morning I took D14 /and S16 to school as D10 was off today W called me about 11am and I was working on a forklift so couldn't take the call. I called her back 20 mins later and she was crying She said I was angry with her over D14 and the text. I said I wasn't but obviously I didn't like to see D14 upset and in future could she not text while with D14. She then told me she couldn't handle it all anymore and she was going back to the UK to live with her mum and dad.
I said ok and I would supply plane tickets once a mo th for her to visit kids for a weekend if that's what she wants. She then said her doctor had asked her to go on antidepressants as doc was worried about her. I offered to pay for her to see an I/C She then told me she had been talking to the smaritians because of her dark thoughts. She went on to say she had a terrible life now and felt she had nothing to live for.
I told her that she had to do what was best for her There was more talk but nothing important just more along the same lines.
So it seems lawyer not needed at the moment but we will see. Very tough to hear after yesterday's great day.
Pink. No private eye needed and W tells me she spends time with him so unless I catch them in bed ( which I couldn't handle ) he could spend every night at her flat Best to lleave that one as it a no win
I'm not to bad about them now but it does put an end to any R for me
Thanks for the kind post. Take care. Rd. xxxx
RD love knows no bounds. Love forgives, it is central to our core. Love endures and RD has his family and a life of his own.
Rad cares greatly for those he brings to his heart. I understand this very well.
All the analysis of WW, is she or is she not with OM?
This prize specimen clearly provides WW with something she needs. I fear its weed and addiction. RD is clean living and at the opposite end of the spectrum from this truly revolting OM and his scuzzy behaviour.
RD would you have WW back at any price?
If that price were monetary and lack of a physical R? Is that a price you would pay?
Loving, soft daft RD.
V
RD,
Why do you insist in ignoring her so much? She is begging your attention and caring, why you can't try at least once to let your guard down and see her as the friend, wife and mother of your children at least for one only time?
She needs antidepressants, this is an excellent start point in the right direction. You could seat down with her, even in the pretense you care for her as the mother of your children, wants to see her happy in her life, etc.
Then you could talk to her about the medications, talk very serious about the implications of her using antidepressants and driving, taking the right dosage, being around the kids, using weed and maybe some alcohol.
You can even tell her at some point that if she messes up with this then you will get a court order and she can't see the kids no more.
Maybe you can offer to go to the doctor with her, just to make sure she is really looking for help and just be there for her.
I know, I know... it's RD doing the heavy lift, but I read a story here, about a guy that stood beside his wife while she was with someone else and eventually she realized that all she needed and wanted was right beside her.
You being angry at her is not resolving anything. Take this opportunity that she is willing to take the antidepressants and start there. In 7 to 10 days the meds kicks in full effect and then she may get better.
She needs a friend better then the one she is having now, why not to be that friend for her? Maybe she is not coming back after you help her, but 1st you will know you did what you could and 2nd you are helping the mom of your kids.
Congrats for your S16. I am so lucky that my S15 is also taking French and sometimes I need to help him with the vocab. Ahg.
THERE IS JOY IN THE WELL OF GOD'S HEART FOR YOU TODAY - AND THE BEST BUCKET TO RETRIEVE IT WITH IS THE ONE THAT SAYS, "GIVE".
XOXO
Pink
RD,Why do you insist in ignoring her so much
Wow, Pink, I have to say you surprised me with this one. From my viewpoint, RD has listened, supported, been the shoulder to cry on again and again and again. He's only recently stepped back a bit. I don't know how he did it that long, it's way past what I could have tolerated. I'm not saying your viewpoint isn't valid, Pink. I just didn't see it the same way.
RD, maybe moving back to her mom and dad is a good solution for her now. They can be the support she needs, it gets her away from OM, and gives you a break. I love your generous spirit in offering to fly her back to see the kids, you are a true jewel.
RD would you have WW back at any price?
If that price were monetary and lack of a physical R? Is that a price you would pay?
Loving, soft daft RD.
V
^^^this^^^
In my opinion I can read in RDs posts that he has been supportive in a material way more then in a emotional way. RD just said that he did not make the way back home very smooth. RD also said that his W probably knows that the R, M is over and that RD does not want to reconcile..
So, as much as he is all ears to hear her laments and all eyes to see her crying, it is not being there for her.
And besides, I agree with Vanilla, I believe from what RD writes here, that there is some kind of addiction, dependency in the mix. I think the drugs may be a big play in this whole depression scenario, and there may be some alcohol too. I did not do drugs, but I got drunk quite a few times after BD and my H was around to help me.
But all this is only my opinion and I am not vet or an expert in R, if so my M would be all spring flowers now. I just think in RD situation things have been a little different then the usual jerk like my H.
So RD, please, don't be mad with me. I really would like you to be happy and your family too. Sometimes love will do a better job then any other method we may try. Just saying.
Now, if you want some other kind of comments because you think that W does not deserve all your caring, then start writing about who she really is. If there is nothing more to it, I would say compassion would be my go.
XOXO
Pink
Hi all. Thanks so much for posting.
Vanillia. I don't beleive an R is now possible regardless. I'm not an especially mo d person ,'im just normal. W seems to be lost and I will be there if I can because I feel that's what you do with friends. W is struggling with her life and I don't know if she's with OM or not and at this stage it doesn't matter. If she is she is still in a terrible place and if she's not she is still Iin that place. Re the money I have offered W money and she always refuses Once she asked and I lent her 200 euro. She never paid it back but does mention it weekly
Pink. I think W knows I'm there for her but she also knows that an R is not possible anymore. I have left her to her own choices and when she told me today she was going back to the UK , I just said ok and mentioned the plane tickets When she talks of suicide it does worry me and I did tell her I still care for her I think she is depressed but I'm not sure drugs are the cure
Sunny. I see where Pink is coming frrom and L/C has said the same I don't want an R with W anymore but you can't just turn off love and she is my kids mum. I will be there for her as best I can but only if she asks. The tickets are just for kids and her. I agree that heading home is proberbly for the best because she can start a new life without all the baggage of what's happened over the last year. I do want her to be happy and I have moved on a lot from OM W
Is a grown woman and I do believe she is not well or thinking straight re her kids or future
Thanks again ladies , I really apprecaite your input. Take care. Rd
Hi Pink. I could never be upset with you. If we had met 25 years ago I would have been chasing you all over for a date. You are a friend and friends tell it how it is to each other I value your advice and look forward to when your post.
W is a fantastic lady. Kind , caring , beautiful and great fun. ( who does that remind you of ? ) She has made choices for herself and if I'm truthfully I think she went becaus she couldn't handle family life and thought she wanted something else
The road home is not smooth and since the day she left I took over everything and it truly shocked her I always worked hard and looking after the bouse re maintenance and cars, gardening etc but I never helped enough around the house re day to day. Once she left I did everything and asked for no help Even when things got tough at work, I sorted everything Kids all turned to me and want nothing to do with W once she's out of family home Even today W was saying that she feels she is no longer needed as I do everything
Pink I did all this because W rejected me and I deal with this by just taking over and letting W do her own thing Part of the reason I gave up on R recently is because W is coming forward a lot but I know I could not deal with OM if she came home
Thanks for posting. Rd xxxx
I need to run now, but will post soon on this. I totally get about the OP stuff. I am questioning myself how it would be from now on if H and I reconcile. I saw him coming out of a hotel with OW. I sometimes wonder if it would ever be possible to let go on that image.
Soon... XOXO
Pink
I agree with the OP stuff - how do you ever overcome that?? But fact is many people do. I'm not saying it's easy, but it's possible. It doesn't feel possible now, but with a truly contrite S keen to reconcile, that may be a different story.
Take care RD xx
Morning RD,
Its a really interesting discussion thats going on here and i can see all sides of it. Pinks viewpoint is very interesting and i have to say I can really see and could easily agree with what she is saying.
RD, how competitive are you? how do you react if someone says that you can't do something?
I ask because you really stepped up with your kids and in the process made a point of being the best dad you can be (arguably at the expense of yourself - some GAL please). You also seem to have made a point of showing you dont need your W. You know, she knows it and your kids know it.
But i also wonder how you are dealing with your emotions, for all that you say I find myself wondering how much sadness, anger and resentment you are carrying? and whether you are still squashing that down so that you can be the image of the dad you are trying to show your W.
now big caveat here in that i know full well your wife moved out and that so much of this is about her choices.
equally I'd either missed or forgotten the bit where you W had said about a M without sex and that you'd said you wanted to end things.
I know how i reacted when i heard that my W wanted to split - my world shattered and thats not put back together quickly.
There are different narratives here RD, I couldnt tell you what is true or not but I do know that things arent as we see them. what i do know is that we can try different narratives and see how they make us feel.
So can you try and come up with a narrative where your W is a good person, where OM is nothing to her except a burden, and that everything she does is driven by her feelings that she is not good enough for you?
Having said all that the move to the UK might be good for you and her, space can help us heal, her family will give her the support she clearly needs and hopefully it will break the link with Spongebob (OM)
Take care RD
Hi RD,
Just checking on you. Hope you can ride one more day as it is the way to go for us all right now. It's a day by day with a night in the middle to make us reflect in all what is going on and what direction we should, must take.
Jim is a funny guy, love reading his posts. And he writes words of compassion and yet seeing and feeling the reality that surrounds you.
Many times I did not feel good enough for my H. I felt that he was doing a lot to grow himself and instead of stepping up and do something for myself, I became a bitter person, full of resentment and a huge emptiness.
M point is that we (maybe for women) hold a lot of feelings inside us, we usually need or choose to live our lives for others... kids, H... and in a way we get lost and empty.
For sometime in the past, I decided to start working part time since the kids were older and I could do something else. Since the beginning I did develop a good relationship with one of the doctors here, he is M and so was I, we never had anything besides work, but that did not impede me to think how amazing he was.
I would compare him to my H and many times found comfort thinking about him and how wonderful he was. I never said it to no one besides in joke to some girlfriends. But the truth is that it made me distant from my H even further.
I am a faithful person and everyone knows it here. And I believe that was the work of some supreme power (my God) that separate us. This doctor is still working with me, he does not want anyone else to deal with his patients besides me. But he is about an hour drive from were I am now. The distance made that attraction to fade away.
What I am saying is that my H may never know what was in my mind and my heart, but it was there. The killing routine with kids, obligations and the all the same stuff became a big deal for my H and I and we weren't smart enough to realize it until it was too late and now things look really bad.
I try to put myself in your wife's shoes and by what you report here, I feel she just implode and is in a world of agony. Like a trapped animal that is hurting and does not have a place to escape.
I understand you had enough, that trust was broken and that you are dealing with a lot of pain, resentment and shame. But love is something powerful and we can be better people and love and understand each other as we go through the life challenges.
I wish you can feel my hug as a true friend that wants you to rest a bit, that wants you to let yourself just be, without impose so much burden on yourself. You may have a million reasons to be tough with yourself, but you find a trillion reasons to be gentle with yourself and let yourself calm down and heal with all you are learning.
And if is some consolation, I am learning to deal with all what is happening to me, my life. I really believe now that I need to develop myself into the person I want to be and I need to GAL with my kids, my friends, myself, and people that I will meet along the way. Don't close the door, force yourself into happiness and eventually it will become real.
(x(x(x(x(x( RD )x)x)x)x)x)
Your friend and admirer
Pink
For sometime in the past, I decided to start working part time since the kids were older and I could do something else. Since the beginning I did develop a good relationship with one of the doctors here, he is M and so was I, we never had anything besides work, but that did not impede me to think how amazing he was.
I would compare him to my H and many times found comfort thinking about him and how wonderful he was. I never said it to no one besides in joke to some girlfriends. But the truth is that it made me distant from my H even further.
I would bet this happens in so many of our marriages, the LBS, the WAS...doesn't matter. it creates a wedge. more than a few times i found that i thought just a little bit about "what if's".
I ended up placing restrictions on types of conversations that i was willing to have with women outside of my family because of any sort of skip-forward type happenings where emotional bonds were formed that were more than work related. I am not proud of those thougths from years ago, because things were bad at home and i thought about escape, but i know that i stayed the course and can look myself in the mirror and say that i didn't go there.
Hi Vanillia. The bloods need to be brought back within limits This is very important Vanillia. With all that's going in your life at the moment then you need to be well. If your run down and tired you can't put everything else back together. I hope I'm stressing this enough Health is more than wealth Vanillia , much more
Re the I/C , can you go every second week ? This is a must vanillia I know things are very tough but this is for a time in your life when you need it now I was under the impression Relate work on a pay what you can basis
I have seen first hand how intelligent you are. Finding 20-30 quid a week is not beyond you.
With work , cut yourself some slack , the past trouble with H has had you in a bad place and its going to take time to return to full on Vanillia again. You will get there I promise.
Vanillia I admire you so much, you have just realised that you have been in an abusive R and that's very tough. You didn't realise because your a kind and caring person who gives others the benefit of the doubt. You looked after H when most others would have given up. You took his abuse and still cared for him.
Vanillia is such a great person and she needs to accept that and move forward. This chapter with H is over and now it's Vanillias time
Vanillia , I want to thank you for being you Your kindness on this forum speaks volumes about you as a person. Please carry on being yourself because you're needed by a lot of us on here.
Take care. Rd. xx
RD, my lovely special RD!
It takes one to know one..............
If you ever think of V think RD and how much when he says these words he refers to himself. RD when we criticise then one finger pointed is four pointing back, when we give the gift of the higher power we give with an open hand and two reach back. Please know dearest friend how much you mean to me and those here, how positive and modest you are. How much we extend our love to you. Pink says so too.
V
dear RD, just a quick not to say I'll be signing off, but I wish you all the best in your journey.
Also, per the ongoing thread, I just want to say:
Although we are on a journey to become a person only a fool would leave, it is indeed our choice whether or not to put our life on hold indefinitely for a fool.
And sometimes we would be a fool to stay.
I'm sure you know what is right for you in your own circumstances, and that you will be fine no matter what you choose to do.
Keep being awesome!
Take care of yourself Ahoy. It would be nice if you could keep in touch but I understand if you can't. Thank you for all you help and I wish you all the happiness in the world and also for D
Take care. Rd. xx
Hi RD,
How are you and the kids today?
XOXO
Pink
Hi Pink. Thanks for asking I good today. Just back from FOTA wildlife park in Cork ( where I was born). Myself and S16. , D14 and D10 all went down last night and went to the wildlife park first thing and travelled home lunchtime because D14 had a dance rehearsal at 2pm. Just waiting to pick her up and I will post more later. I hope your day is going well.
Take care. Rd. xxxx
Hi RD, was thinking about you today and wondering how you are. Sounds like a nice trip with the kids! Glad you had a good time....
So, how are things going with you lately. Have you carried on in the same vein with your W - drawing back somewhat? How has that been going??
Looking forward to an update lovely RD...
xx
Hi Toots thanks for thinking of me. Last few days have been up and down Friday I got a text from W saying sorry about crying down the phone on Thursday She text that she has some very "bad days " and finds them tough to deal with.
I texted back that it was ok and this was tough for everyone
D10 decided to go to Ws flat with D14 and I did feel a little worried for her. D14 talked D10'into it but D10 said she enjoyed it. When W brought D's home I was out shopping with D16 for some new clotthes and as we were driving back W called asking where we were. I find this annoying but but just answered I was in my way back. When I got home W was happy enough and asked to speak to me in private. She told me that she was really pleased that D10 had gone down to her flat and they had a great time. I answered I was pleased because if she went back to UK then the kids needed to spend some quality time with her before she left.
She then told me she was unsure about going now because she has 4 months left on her lease. I said I thought going back to the UK was a good idea because she was obviously very unhappy and maybe time at with her mum and dad would help. She then told me she would be getting the bus to work on the days that she didn't collect kids because she couldn't afford the petrol. I did offer her noney for petrol but she said No thanks She also told me she was going away for a weekend on a course for work. W then told me that her dad had offered to pay for her ferry to bring kids over to visit him and her mum in the UK. Me said she was tempted but couldn't really afford the petrol. I simply a nswered kids would proberbly enjoy it and I said no more
I then told W that I was taking kids away for the night and taking them to the wildlife park. This did not go down well. W started crying saying I did not have sole custody and should have consulted her. I pointed out she would be leaving the house in about ten minutes and not seeing the kids until the next evening at the earliest as she doesn't always call on a Sunday anyway. W then went in about how she would have never taken kids away in the past without telling me I did say that's when she lived at home and while I saw her point it was only for one night when she wouldn't be seen g them anyway. She said she might have liked to go had she not been working The. She asked what happened if we had crashed , who would tell her. I said my next of kin and she asked who that was now. I said that's this conversation was not worth having for either of us I then left with D10 to collect D14 from dancing.
This morning I got a text from W wishing us a great day and saying she was on her way to work. Once Iwe got home I did text her to say all ook and she texted back thanks for asking and telling me her day was dragging W then called into house on her way home and got into an argument with S16 and left crying
The trip to cork was great and we all sang and danced the whole way back D14 did have a small cry while we were at FOTA because she missed her mum but we were all good by the time we got back.
I made a roast dinner with 4 veg and custard and cake for pudding. S16 is now studying in the study S20 is studying upstairs. D10 is on her phone with the devil cat on her lap calling out anti jokes and D14 is curled up on the 3 seater , sleeping, under a blanket at one end while I'm lying at the other end under the blanket typing this. MotoGP is on the tv and heating on. Settled in for the night and life is good
I'm ok with my choice to no longer stand. W is lost , I think that's clear. Not sure if her talk of going back to the UK is some sort of cry for help or not. I do believe she is regretting a lot of her choices but she is the type to live with her decisions As I say
I'm not sure if she's thinking straight or not but I will continue to be here for her but from a different perspective
Thanks for reading the whole post and any thoughts greatly appreciated
take care. Rd. xxxx
Hi RD, I think she's just seeking something that will make her feel better. Coming over here to her parents seemed like a good plan, but then it's also a bit mad in that she has to give up so much in terms of flat, job, seeing the family and OM (not OM?). And plus there's the lease and so on. I think she just can't really make good decisions and pull her life together right now. She's dangling around on the end of her rope and can't get a toehold.
IMHO, she can only go on like this for so long, she sounds so miserable. I'm glad that the kids have such a stable and loving home with you though RD. They are lucky indeed. It could be far worse for them, even though I'm sure it isn't easy.
Can I ask you what no longer standing means for you RD? You mentioned the five year 'wait' period for D. Does that mean you could not D on any grounds prior to that? Does no longer standing mean that you would not wish to reconcile with your W at all - even if she wants to? Does that mean you would potentially start dating if you wanted to? I'm not asking to be nosey - just to understand where you are at with things..
I just wrote to my L. Looks like we are underway with house sale and finances. The only thing is, I'm not sure whether H is 'assuming' I'll be filing for D now. He may get a surprise when he hears from my L...oh well. If he wants to file, he can do it.
Have a good evening RD xx
Hi Toots. Not be nosey at all. I really value your opinion and look forward to hearing from you. I agree sbout W not being able to continue much longer. She really is in a bad place That's why I will be here for her as I would any friend that needed me.
No longer standing means I don't want W back I do love her but she's not who she was and while I hope the new her makes her happy one day she is not someone I would have been attracted to if we just met. Physically W is very pretty , slim and a very attractive person to look at but the inside is not what it was. I'm not going for another relationship because I don't think I could trust again and at 49 I really don't want to be hurt again My family will keep me busy and work is full on most days.
My biggest worry now is that W will not be able to continue as she is and her in my life going forward will be very hard
Thanks for helping Toots and I hope your having a good evening
Take care. Rd. xx
RD, just stopping by for encouragement. Glad you and the kids had a nice day at the wildlife park.
Hi RD,
I am so glad you had some fun with the kids. This kind of GAL are really enjoyable for everyone.
Our lives are different and yet so similar. I have so much fun with my kids, and when we go out for some adventure, it is super good.
Yes, your wife is very lost and she wants some good of both worlds, what is really impossible at least for now. She can't even see what pain she is bringing to her own kids. She has a long way ahead to figure it out what she wants or don't.
Today, besides the cry out loud about not wanting their dad back, the kids were talking about RD. They said that they feel I am not much in love with their dad and it is really good.
Then they asked me if I want to date again, and I said that eventually once my life is resolved and I am a single woman again that I would probably at least think about. Then they said that "Oh mom, then are you going to visit Ireland? If they come here, maybe we need to build an extension on the house to fit everyone", and they went on and on talking about how it would be living with 4 other kids in the same house.
I said that you have cats too. Then they start saying that they need to start training our dog to stop running after the cats.
Then they asked me, what happen if this Irish RD is a beer drinker, fat with a huge belly and talk funny english ? They start asking me if you have red hair, if it's long, if you have a huge bear, if you have many tattoos, like in your arms, body.
I told them that I don't know anything, that we just talk on this board and that everything is confidential. RD, we had about an hour talking and having fun with this today. Even S15 was trying some Irish dance to impress your kids. Of course, he almost fell on his bud trying the Irish folk. It was very funny to see him trying.
He also tough about that if you all come to visit, that he will need some new PJs because he wouldn't walk around in his underwear like he does now, since you have two girls.
They were talking about the girls and saying that it would be torture if they are like "Mom", always worry about her hair, her nails, her nose, her appearance, pink shorts, pink shirt, and the killing I need time to put makeup. Oh, with three girls in a house they think they would go crazy and end up in a mental hospital with a nerve break down.
I laughed so much today. And even when you read the sad part of the day, you can be sure that you were the happy part of our day. I hope you don't feel offended that I talk with the boys about you and your family. It just feels that we are in a similar situation, "left behind with kids".
Hope you have a good week RD,
XOXO
PInk
Hi Pink. I'm sitting at my desk , smiling frrom ear to ear. !!!!!!! You have really cheered me up. You can tell the boys I'm not a beer drinker , no big fat belly or red hair. South London accent , so I sould like a mix of Jason statham and Danny dyer !!!!!! Not tall I'm afraid just touching 5'9" before I badly smashed my right leg and now I'm 5'8". Pepper pot hair cut short and no tattoos Plenty of scars from all the bike crashes but only a small one on my face from a double jump landing that went a wee bit wrong !!!!! Or so people tell me , I didn't remember much once I woke up. Not good looking but very charming and great fun. 49'going on 25 as they say. Oh and I'm an amazing lover !!!!!!!!
I'm still smiling as I type this Pink Thank you so much , you and your boys have made my day. We all come on here for advice and comfort. The books helped me tremendously and the forum has got me through some very tough times. I'm coming out the other side and I will be happy again You personally have made a huge difference to my life. I look forward to hearing from you and I believe Iin my heart that you will be back with your H one day. It will take time but you will get there. Take care and thank you Rd. xxxx
Hi RD,
I am glad you could smile instead of being upset with my comments. Believe me when I say that my kids participate in my life and don't make to much a secret of my life to them.
Hope everything is going alright your way. Life is hard and complicated but there is always room for a couple of smiles a day.
Take care RD,
Pink
RD dear, I think you may need to open a new thread, this one will probably close soon.
I want to keep talking to you.
Pink
Hi RD, just dropping by to say Hello and see how you are doing. Can I pick up on your comments before about not standing any longer....
So, is it right that you couldn't D within 5 years of S in any circumstances? That's a long time & I didn't know that. But with the not standing and not wanting to date. I wanted to ask whether there is actually any need for you to make that decision. Because, if you stand or don't stand, will you actually be doing anything differently?
Please don't think I'm nit picking, I was just wondering lovely RD. Hope you and those kids of yours are doing well....xx
Hi Lovely,
What are you up to RD? I see you have been posting but nothing in your thread. How are things going?
Hope you and the kids are doing well.
Pink