I originally posted in MLCER thread but I think this forum has more traffic & I'm so confused! Original thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...560#Post2557560*M 13, T 15
*3 kids (D10, D8 & S5)
*Bomb 3/2/15, H left & moved in with parents
*Discovered other woman 3/15/15 (at least an EA since 2/1/15) but spent the night of his Bday at her home so probably PA!
*Discovered H emails soliciting women for sex in July&Oct14
*Realized H is most likely suffering MLC after reading DR at end of March. Talked to his family & friends & they all agree he is definitely different & most likely working thru something & all agree that it's probably more then me & he's crazy. Lots of challenges in the past 3yrs for H (& myself being his support). 3yrs ago found out S has genetic disorder, H recovering alcoholic, DUI 10/13, sober since, severe car accident 9/14, H laid off 12/14.
*believe he's in MLC cause he now talks strange (often sounding very philosophical), he talks a lot abt his childhood now (looking at old pics, revealing being in his old room, in his old town like he's a kid again), he no longer wants to live in our town which we've always loved & we're very involved & have great friends, he's also obsessed with his appearance & buying new clothes.
*practicing very good 180, I took a long hard look at my part in our problems & decided to work on myself & I've made very noticeable changes & H has definitely recognized but he's bitter that it took him leaving for me to work on myself. I tell him I realized I want us to work out.
*4/18/15 another woman (different from the 1 mentioned previously) calls me claims she's been involved with my H for 3yrs!!! He swears just a friend that became obsessed with him but after taking a long look at cell bill found H calls her almost everyday, several times a day including long conversations on our anniversary, Cmas Eve & my Bday!!!
*last 7 wks we've spent about every other day together (H has only taken kids by himself 2 days) otherwise he involves me in his visits (???)
Today I've been beside myself about this 3yr relation with OW so today I told H I want to go to counseling. I asked him about this relationship of 3yrs. He said she's just a friend...wouldn't answer where they met, why he called her everyday (he says to talk) & he doesn't recall calling her on holidays, beats & anniversary! I said I deserve to know more he said he doesn't have to tell me anymore cause he's ready to move on & end our marriage! I told him I want to lay out all of our past problems on the table, work it all out, burn it & move on to a stronger, better us. I also asked if we can try dating each other again,..he said No he doesnt want to.
Despite how awful this all sounds I do want to save my marriage, it was really amazing for a long time but we lost our way & obviously other people (unknown to me) became a factor. My H still shows occasional affection, stares at my mouth when I talk as if he wants to kiss me (I know that look), spends a lot of time with just me when our kids run off playing, he even encourages kids to do their own thing so we can watch tv together, he finds ways to stand close to me & he keeps love emails I've been sending to him in his inbox (which he diligently cleans out several times a day...yes I have access to his email cause we never had anything to hide or so I thought & we shared passwords...he would often have me chk his email)...if he definitely wanted to end us why would he be doing all these things? Especially keeping my love emails, he could easily delete them?
So after today's talk I'm going to back off a bit more again.
I guess all I can do is wait. Please share any advice.
Sorry that you find yourself here. Have you read the DB or DR books yet?
I read DR once completely & now I'm skimming back thru.
Hi T, I see that you read DR. That's good so that you know what we are talking about.
You have landed among some incredible people. I am normally in the MLC forum, so I am familiar with MLC.
First of all, stop snooping. You have the information you need. Anything else is just going to make you crazy and doesnt serve you well right now.
If he is in a MLC, this is a long road. So you have to take care of yourself in order to get through it. Make sure you eat, rest, exercise.
They want to be heard. He is telling you that he doesnt want to be married. He feels that way now. You need to hear it. When you tell him that you want to work on the marriage, he feels you arent hearing him.
Imagine someone hanging onto your pants leg. You want them off, so you shake your leg. That makes the other person hold on tighter. That makes you want to shake harder and on and on it goes.
So, the key to all of this is to work towards detachment. It is a hard thing to do. It seems counterintuitive, but it is what is necessary in order to get through it.
The thing about db is that it can save us and sometimes it saves marriages.
You need to look at the things he has said were problems in the marriage. Figure out which ones have merit and begin to work on those things about yourself that you feel need changing. But you have to do it for you. If not, he will see right through it.
Begin to put the focus on you and the kids. Start to do things you have always wanted to do or learn. When you are around him, be positive and upbeat.
And he needs to visit with his kids on his own most of the time. He chose to leave, that is what happens when one does. He has to live his choices.
Stop pursuing. Stop telling him you want to work on the marriage. Let him feel you have heard him.
Keep posting. Keep to one thread until you reach 100 posts so that people can follow your story.
You can do this.
Thank you, uRworthy.
Yesterday was a temporary slip. I thought since OW revealed a 3yr relation that H would feel badly & agree to go to MC but that wasn't the case just further proof that he's not behaving like my loving H right now but like an alien has abducted his brain, heart & soul.
I really thought spending time together would help him see the light thru the trees that we work well together & our kids are happiest when we are together. We have had some pretty wonderful family outings together lately & I thought that was moving us forward until the OW bomb was dropped on me! Plus each time we spent time together H mentioned an outside influence or circumstance (besides blaming me) that caused our problems (ex inlaws, life's stress). In the beginning of separation he just blamed me & said very ugly things like our marriage was never good even tho for a long time our marriage was amazing & something to be very proud of.
H did just have shoulder surgery (injury from his accident in Sept). So he's limited & not able to drive til 6/3 so he relies on his parents or me to see the kids. His parents are wonderful people who are going thru a lot more then our separation right now & they have been very supportive of me thru out this & they want their son to go home to his family. It makes it difficult to push H to spend time alone with just the kids cause he's recovering & he can't pick up the kids himself.
We don't have plans to see him for the next 2 days so I plan on being quiet...no initiating texts , calls or sending love emails. This is hard for me, I feel like that just leaves him open to receiving attention from OW & not me😔.
Would the attention he shows me be considered baby steps (him standing so close to me that we are pushed up against each other, him looking at my mouth like he wants to kiss me, him asking to spend time with him & the kids)
How do I know when he's ready to work on us (yes I have a very positive attitude & I truly believe we will survive this & come out stronger...I believe in putting out positive vibes & beliefs)? Do I just have to wait until he initiates MC or dating? I'm guessing trying to kiss him is not the right thing to do either?
Would the attention he shows me be considered baby steps (him standing so close to me that we are pushed up against each other, him looking at my mouth like he wants to kiss me, him asking to spend time with him & the kids)
How do I know when he's ready to work on us (yes I have a very positive attitude & I truly believe we will survive this & come out stronger...I believe in putting out positive vibes & beliefs)? Do I just have to wait until he initiates MC or dating? I'm guessing trying to kiss him is not the right thing to do either?
If the OW is still in the picture it is cake eating!
You don't want to pursue him and you can't love him out of his MLC.
I really thought spending time together would help him see the light thru the trees that we work well together & our kids are happiest when we are together. We have had some pretty wonderful family outings together lately & I thought that was moving us forward [...]
Would the attention he shows me be considered baby steps (him standing so close to me that we are pushed up against each other, him looking at my mouth like he wants to kiss me, him asking to spend time with him & the kids)
I am not in any position, to give you any advice, but I still put my 2 cents in.
I had my aerials only on my W during the first weeks. And that in an obsessive way.
"Did she just smile?"
"Why did she use just THIS phrase in the conversation?"
"Why did she sent me a picture of S10?"
"Oh, she asked me how I was. Why?"
"She invited me for a coffee while waiting for D14. What is she intending?"
"She just called me darling. Was that really by accident?"
I discovered, that those thoughts (as understandable as they are) are just sucking your energy. Get your focus off your H. Get the focus on YOU and the kids. As long as you have not developed the ability of mind-reading, you will never know for real what he is thinking. And I guess at this point his thoughts are not that what you should focus on. Let him think whatever he wants to think. Get detached.
I know this is said so easy, especially as I am a noob myself. I also have those thoughts from time to time, but it gets better from day to day. Will there be backsliding? I guess so. Stop focusing on things, that you have no power/control over.
Listen to the veterans of this forum. They are honest and they know what they are talking about. You will find awesome advice in this place.
Kid Question? When my kids get upset. I tell him either by sending a text or calling him so they can talk to him. He created this situation & I'm the one holding everyone together. I think he should know when they are hurting. For example a few nights ago our youngest D8 was uncontrollably crying (she hasn't cried much at all since the separation, usually its D10 who's crying), D8 wanted to talk to her Dad but he wasn't answering (very common since he keeps the ringer off, even tho he's constantly on his cell). Since he often doesn't answer & she was so desperate to talk to him I called his parents to let him know I was trying to reach him. He got upset with me & said if the kids are upset & I can't reach him then that's where it stops & I shouldn't pursue trying to reach him any further that I should just handle the situation (again alien talking my darling H of many years would never say that).
So should I tell him every time kids ask or cry for their Dad?
So should I tell him every time kids ask or cry for their Dad?
Why are you telling him that?
What are you trying to accomplish?
I know I shouldn't have done this just having a bad morning! I looked at OWs FB page & she posted a quote "waiting is a sign of true love & patience. Anyone can say I love you but not everyone can wait & prove its true!" UGH!!!
I read last week that true love can't be stolen, it can get lost in another's arms but it will return!
This is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to endure!!! I wish my therapy session was today & not tomorrow!
Cadet I thought he should know that his children miss him. They are always happy to see him so he's not seeing their hurt. Our Ds say they are afraid to tell Daddy they miss him & ask him to come home cause they don't want him to be mad at them.
I understand that the kids miss him. I have a child and my husband left almost 3 months ago. We see him when he comes to take my child to school. We don't talk about dad. (he is 10) and thinks his dad is not a team player. I just tell him dad is working thru some things on his own. I leave the rest to his dad. I don't tell his dad anything about him unless he specifically asks otherwise you risk making them feel guilty and guess who they blame - YOU.
I like the "not a team player". You're right, I'm learning from his aggravation that telling him when they miss him just annoys him & he takes it out on me even tho he's the cause.
My H always promised he would never cheat on me, not that I asked or accused... he would just say that if we heard of someone else cheating. His parents have such a wonderful relationship that I believed 1. He had a great foundation & example & 2. That our relationship was just like theirs & 3. That our love & marriage were too strong. I know everyone thinks they'd never be hear & it's so cliche "I never thought this would happen to me"
Just going to continue to work on myself, detach & act as if. I act "as if" he'll be home any day & our lives are business as usual...just that he doesn't live her at the moment.
Hi T. Ok, so, a few things. Stop looking at facebook. Seriously. It will make you crazy.
Your h is in crisis. That means you cannot know what he is thinking because he doesnt even know. Trust me on that.
Those things are not baby steps, sweetie. Those are the actions of someone who is sick and confused.
As I wrote to you, he wants to be heard. He is feeling you arent hearing him. When you pursue, when you tell him you want to go to counseling, etc. he feels unheard. That pushes him further.
You need to get yourself good and strong, T. That is what is going to get you through this.
This was a crisis that was destined to happen and no amount of loving him is going to get him through it. Only he can do that.
What you need to do is live your life. That means handling things on your own.
He thinks that getting rid of the marriage is going to make him happy. That's because he is so depressed. So he lashes out on the thing and person closest to him....you and the marriage.
Until he sees that isnt the case, he will not look within. Yet looking within is the only thing that can get him through the crisis.
So, yea, when your children are sad, you need to be the one to step up. It isnt right, but, its what is right now.
Thinking that by calling him about it is going to make him feel guilty is fauty thinking. It just gets them angry.
He needs to see something different from you so that it builds up in his mind that things can be different.
Please do not contact his parents. Do not discuss this with his family. Do not say anything negative about him to the children.
Those things get them angry, too. And you want to keep the road paved home smooth.
Tell us about you, T...about your childhood. Tell us about his, too.
Who do you want to be?
Going out of my mind! H spent whole day & night with OW!!! I know there's nothing I can do cause anything I do will just push him away more & straight to her!!!
I know he's sick & selfish & lost but damn it!!! I can't believe he is doing this to us & our family!!!
How do you get thru this?
He knows not what he does. He is only thinking about himself. I thought of it as if he were dead and if so how would I live the rest of my life and so I just started doing things as I always did and a little more to pick up the work he did around the house.
Keep yourself busy and try not to think about him just pretend he is gone for good.
Today went to Co-Dependency workshop & learned about Power of Positive Thinking & Affirmations. It was a really great workshop...just what I needed. Afterwards I had my IC & while in the waiting room heard I love song I had quoted to H before separation...ouch! Heartache returns & I'm fitting off tears in waiting room! I hate all this crying!!! I'm already an emotional person without going thru all of this!
IC was really good for me too! H & I met with this counselor once but he's done so he won't go back & I really liked her so I went myself today & she really helped me. When we met with her before since H was so reluctant to go I kept quiet about all of his actions but today I was able to freely tell her everything he has done & she definitely got an entirely different view then he gave her. He made it all about me being the problem, but today she was able to help me see how much I have really sacrificed far longer then our recent separation.
Do I still want my H back yes but it will take a lot of work especially from him cause he's lost all trust that I've ever had in him & I trusted him soooooooo much. We had a wonderful relationship. We shared so much, did so much together, but we gave each other our own space & didn't get jealous or suspicious. Now I don't know how I'll ever see him that way again! I don't know who he is or if he'll ever return.
The way I see it If I agree to go ahead with D proceedings then I'm just giving him what he wants & the OW too! If I stay & wait it out I may or may not get him back & I may or may not want him back but he'll always have to be in my life cause of the kids so what's the rush! I am planning on going dark tho, enough of him having his cake & eating it too! As therapist said today he knows he has me so it's a safety net & he can go off & have his separate life w/OW, then come back to me & the kids, & live at his parents away from all of us.
It will be a challenge going dark with the kids involved & him still recovering from surgery but I guess I'll just make myself scarce when he's around. I had been doing a 180 by sitting right next to him on the couch (one of the things he mentioned that we don't even sit next to each other anymore) but after pretty much confirming he's having a PA hell no am I sitting next to him! I don't even want to see him right now!
Feeling more confident...at least for now!
If anyone has any tips for going dark with kids & with a H that can't drive or take care of the kids (for the next 6wks at least) let me know...thanks!
First time in almost 2months I don't want to see my H! I may be at a turning point (of course this is how I feel before I actually see him😒). My kids are missing their Dad & he's visiting today & I have to pick him up (he can't drive recovering from shoulder surgery) & bring him to our house.
How do you go dark when you have to be in the same (smallish) house with young kids?
I'm also going to Dr today to get on antidepressant & talk to Dr about my extreme weight loss (32lbs in less then 2mos! Normally it's difficult for me to lose weight cause I was hypothyroid...altho with elevated heart rate & gitters these I wonder if that's changed. I'm not an extremely over weight person, I had weight to lose but starting to get concerned about losing too much & keeping up my strength. I just have no appetite & feel nauseous when I try to eat.)
H said I've got thinner & Im ready for summer meanwhile he's gotten fatter😳 Hey this is what he wanted, guess I wasn't all of his problems since he's still eating his troubles! He actually got to his heaviest after he left!
Again how do I go dark
I'm also going to Dr today to get on antidepressant & talk to Dr about my extreme weight loss (32lbs in less then 2mos!
This is called the
LBS diet and has been experienced by every single person on this board.
Yes take care of yourself.
First Day of going dark (well as dark as I could considering circumstances). I stayed busy, stayed scarce out of the same room, didn't speak unless he came to talk to me then I listened intently but didn't offer up any additional conversation. I remained cheery & kind, just didn't give him attention.
He did come to find me several times to initiate conversation. I cooked dinner but let him it with the kids alone.
I don't think he liked it...score! He seemed bothered & sad! Now only if he didn't have OW, I'm sure it would be more effective!
I think that going dark after having our MC conversation on Monday is the right thing to do. He says he doesn't want me, he wants separate lives so now he won't have my sweet, loving attention!
I went to Dr today. I should've done that in the beginning (but who knew I'd still be here). The Dr & her office manager were so kind to me & really got behind me. They gave me all this information where to find help, get me on antidepressant & told me to call if I need anything. Dr said she wants to make me better, stronger & said lets get you bulletproof! Love it!
I feel better (at least for now).
Hi T, good on you for going to the doctor. It is imperative that you take care of you.
Ok, so I want to tell you a few things. Going dark should be to protect you and not as a ploy to get him back. The reason being is that while it seems like it is working at first, it doesnt work long term.
A MLC takes years. There is no quick fix. You need to decide if you want to do what's necessary to get through it, but, you dont need to decide that today.
While this plays like a game, it is not one. What you seem to be doing is playing the dance game. That is that you pull back and it draws him closer. You come closer and he pulls back. That doesnt work long term either.
As I said, going dark or dim in your case, has to be to protect you. It shouldnt be to "show" him his choices. That said, there needs to be natural consequences of those choices. Again,not as punishment, but just as the natural result of the lifestyle he has chosen.
I dont want you to think that because he sought you out that it means anything at this point.
Please know that I am not telling you this to discourage you at all. I am being honest because I dont want you to get hurt anymore than you already have.
A MLC is destined to happen. Usually it is the result of some unresolved issues in childhood and it happens normally to people with poor coping skills. It is brought about by something life changing that has happened....a death, an accident, job loss, etc. Those things trigger it.
He will go through several phases. Not all of them, not in the same order.
He has to go through all of that in order to come out the other side. If he doesnt or if it is stalled or stopped in some way, it can come back in full force again, usually even more aggressively.
You have to be willing to allow this to unfold as it is supposed to. You have to detach from his actions as best you can.
About going dim..you have the right idea...just be sure to do it for the right reason.
Be positive and upbeat when you see him. Make yourself scarce. Leave him to live his choices. Show him confidence and strength.
Do not pursue. Do not have relationship talks. Act as if you heard him in that he doesnt want to be married anymore.
This is a rollercoaster ride, T. Strap yourself in.
Thank you uRworthy! I'm coming to conclusion that H may have been MLC longer then these past 2 months...with discovery of him having a 3yr EA (or PA who knows). We found out our son was special needs with a genetic disorder 3yrs ago, H was heavily drinking 3yrs ago, then DUI 18mos ago (sober since), then we almost lost our house mid 2014, H in severe car accident Sept 14 & then laid off Dec 14. Perhaps he's been in midlife for the past 3 yrs but didn't leave until he got involved with new OW! Who knows?!?!
I had a good day yesterday but feeling very frustrated today as H has decided to go against Dr's orders & started driving today but Dr said not til 6/3.
So sorry about your son. That sure is a whole lot to have happen to you both.
People who are new to this have a tendency to want to look at a timeline of how long it may be that their spouse is in crisis. The truth is that it takes as long as it takes.
But it is true that by the time the spouse says he wants out, he already checked out sometime ago.
I am sorry he chose not to listen to the doc but here's the thing. While you can be concerned because you care, he is an adult. So, you have to let him make his own decisions. That is part of detaching. Nothing you can do about it, nor should you.
It is hard to let go. It takes time and constant reminding. But it is what you need to do.
He has to figure this out on his own. You cant help him do it. In fact, you shouldnt. He has to look within and fix what's wrong. You need to let him.
Tell us about you, T. Who are you? Who would you like to be? What was your childhood like? What are some things you always wanted to try?
What do I want?
I've been asking myself that question & at the moment I just feel numb & can't think of anything I want or want to do. I know sounds pathetic.
I live in the Northeast about an hour from the coast so at the moment all I can think that I want do is go to the beach, but it's still to cold. The beach is my happy place. I pack the kids up in the car & spend the whole day...I hate to leave!
I also like to come up with summer adventures (day trips) for my kids...we call it our Summer Bucketlist & we do our best to complete the whole list.
I'll start gardening soon so hopefully that will be a good activity to keep me busy.
Resources for Positive Thinking & Affirmations
Louise Hay: Hayhouse.com, hayhouseradio.com plus Hayhouse apps & there's also videos on YouTube
Subliminal affirmation apps with affirmations, relaxation & positive thinking are also available
There seems to be an app for everything just search positive thinking, affirmations, etc.
Today my girls had a talk with their Dad. Said they missed him & wanted
him to come home. H told me he told them that him & I weren't getting along. Not getting along is no reason to end a marriage besides how can we get along when he wasn't really here & all in it (talking to other women!). He also told the girls that Daddy is going thru something that he needs to work out...hmmm no kidding.
So again today I tried staying scarce. Made kids & H dinner & let them eat alone again. Afterwards they wanted to go to the dog park. H asked me to go along. Honestly he may have decided to drive with 1 arm in a sling but I don't trust him driving with the kids & our puppy...too much to handle with 1 arm while driving so I went along.
We had a great time at the dog park...again "we work" as a family. I know he doesn't know what he's doing or saying. Just frustrating.
Hi T,
I just read your thread. I am sorry you are here. But you are in the right place. There are a lot of people here who can help and for me, just reading threads sometimes and seeing that I'm not alone made a huge difference.
You said your H moved in with his parents? Mine is living with his mom and he said the same thing when my daughter was asking for him--call his cell don't call his mom's--and I felt the same way--wha? That doesn't sound like my H! But I've FINALLY figured out the man I knew is gone, maybe temporarily, maybe forever, maybe there was some mean personality hiding deep inside him that's now coming out... I don't know. There are days when I spend time speculating about this and then other days--especially lately when I am busy enough that I don't even have time to think about him and what he's doing.
But I get what you mean about the alien abduction. Tonight I had an overwhelming feeling of grief as I was putting my kids to bed--I realized this is because it is like someone has died--my old H, who would always take a call from me and always be happy to see me--who pursued me so hard when he wanted to date me. Now it's like I'm a nobody to him... and we have two small children together...
I too have experienced my daughter asking for her dad. She says all the time that she wants him to come home and not live at Grandma's. I've pretty much quit telling my H about these conversations because it always ends with him being mean to me--again not his personality when we got married.
Just keep busy, don't worry about him (easier said than done) do things you've always wanted to do, focus on the kids and enjoy your life, not for him but for you. One benefit of this situation I've found is it strips you naked of any fear you might have in other situations--like going after the job you've always wanted, pursuing a dream, even talking to people with more confidence. You're right when you say this is one of the hardest things you've had to go through--it is and eventually you will realize nothing else can hurt you like this, so why not go for what you've always wanted out of life?
Sorry to hijack but glad you're still around Lorelai. Keep posting.
Thanks for commenting Lorelai. It is nice to know that we are not alone cause it's is terribly lonely situation, especially when family & friends are all living their normal, happy lives while we are in this hell.
uRworthy...you have so much wisdom on this subject. I appreciate your feedback & guidance.
Yesterday on our way home from the dog park I decided to ask H what he's thinking in terms of our business. The business is in his name but we run it together. He's always talking about us & the future of the business but on the same hand he says he's done & wants to mediate a divorce. It's 2 opposing actions to me. He said he really wasn't sure how we would deal with the business & how we would split it (cause we have been running it like partners). He gave a couple of possible scenarios. He said he was glad I asked & he would like to discuss it further. I'm not sure if that was a good idea to ask that Question. I'm not ready to move on at all.
Does anyone know how long you can stay separated. H does not want to involve lawyers he wants to mediate & keep it civil so we don't end up hating each other. I still want to go to marriage counseling, lay all our issues out & work thru them. I really believe in my heart & soul that despite everything we can come out of this with a new, stronger & better marriage. It will take some major effort for me to trust him again but I'm willing to try.
Can he file D without involving a lawyer to start the mediation process? I hope not. I plan on waiting this out & stand for our marriage.
T, consult with a lawyer on your own (they usually do free consultations) just to get an understanding of what the situation would be for yourself (It doesn't mean you're moving forward with anything, you're just getting information). Don't say anything to your H about it and don't worry about what he does right now. My H has said when he left he didn't want to involve lawyers either, but here were are six months later and he hasn't done a thing to make a move either way in the process. So get what information you need so you're prepared for the worst and in the meantime, try to go dark as much as possible (I know this is hard when you have kids). Make it clear you're moving on with your life either way.
Also, try not to read too much into interactions. My H left in November, then stayed over on Christmas Day and watched a movie and cuddled on the couch with me. A week later he acted like it never happened. He also does little things when he's here watching the kids, like make my bed and unload the dishwasher, etc. It all literally means nothing, I've learned.
Hang in there. This is tough and confusing, I know!
What if H asked why I'm being distant & staying out of the same room with him? Up until this week I was doing a 180 by sitting right next to him instead of doing housework & such. Now staying out of the room. What do I say if he asks? Should I say I'm giving him his space or should I say that you want to be separated?
If I were you:
I would say I am a busy woman and I have things that I have to do.
And you can follow that up with getting out and GAL.
Dont tell him
I'm giving him his space or should I say that you want to be separated?
Cadet's right. Don't tell him you're giving him space. Don't say "you're the one who wanted to be separated." None of that. Be mysterious. Get out and GAL if you have to. Is there anywhere in your neighborhood you could go--coffee shop, gym, library, a class you've always wanted to try? I find it's best when I'm not in the same house with H.
Also, I know this is not something you want to hear, but don't read too much into him asking why you're not staying in the same room with him, etc. My H was still living here months after BD and if I retreated to the bedroom after the kids were in bed, he would come looking for me, asking me if I wanted to watch TV. Meanwhile, he still had no interest whatsoever in working on the marriage.
Hey T. First of all, I agree, speak with a lawyer. Knowledge is power. Doesnt mean you are giving up. Do not tell your h.
I also agree not to say those things if he asks why you arent in the room. I would also try to be out of the house sometimes. It really is best for you to try to GAL. None of his business what you are doing.
Make sure he cant do anything about the business without your knowledge. Find out your rights regarding it. MLCers are notorious for messing with financials and money. Protect yourself.
You need to be on the same page as him about what you are saying to your kids. You should not point fingers at each other. Keep it simple.
He needs to forge a relationship with them. It is your job not to cause harm to it, but, it is up to him to figure it out.
I've been quiet I know. I thought I knew better & I thought I could love & reason my husband out of this...WRONG! Monster returned on Fri & spued all ridiculous accusations all over me again! So since Fri I haven't sent him any love emails, haven't initiated texts or calls (with 3 young kids we do have to communicate). Today I actually woke up feeling somewhat normal, I didn't have that sick pit in my stomach (which I'm sure will return from time to time).
I did a lot of reading over the weekend & I see that MLC often involves over indulging in alcohol so now I'm wondering if husband's MLC started 3-5 years ago! 5 years ago (altho he only 33) we lost his grandfather (H extremely close, he was over our house like everyday) in a fatal car accident & 2 weeks later his sister lost her baby (stillborn)! Drinking increased but I didn't notice any unusual behavior & figured drinking was drowning his sorrows (which can be normal).
About 3yrs ago we discovered that our youngest & only son has a genetic disorder. A lil back ground about my H...he's a incredible athlete..,probably could've been in MLB if he would've cared more about his grades. Huge into sports! Unbelievable knowledge of most sports! Now I can tell you when you find out something is wrong with your child it is extremely hard to process & accept (like discovering you're married to an MLCer!) its a grieving process & it's almost like suffering a loss. To this day altho H said that he had accepted it, he recently told me that he still doesn't think he's ok with it.
Now 3yrs ago drinking escalated heavily, in fact it was really weighing on our marriage! I also just recently discovered that my H has been having some kind of relation with an OW for 3yrs!
Now he didn't leave until 2 months ago when he recently connected with a former classmate (at least the 2nd OW that I'm aware of...who knows). This time I really felt him pulling away & confronted him about seeming to have 1 foot out the door. He said he wasn't happy & I said well if you're that unhappy why don't you just leave (& he did!) Altho I know this is NOT my fault I gave him the opportunity to leave!
So did MLC begin 3-5 years ago (wishing & hoping) & we are in a Replay or did it begin with him leaving (hoping NOT cause this is unbearable)?
So did MLC begin 3-5 years ago (wishing & hoping) & we are in a Replay or did it begin with him leaving (hoping NOT cause this is unbearable)?
It is possible and probable.
Either way he is likely in REPLAY.
Also known as ESCAPE and AVOID.
No one knows how long that can last.
2 years - 7 years - forever.
Their are NO GUARANTEES.
So the question I have is what does it mean to YOU?