I am brand new on this site and been doing lots of reading, but could use encouragement.
My situation is that my husband left almost 2 weeks ago.
We have been having problems for over a year. My husband kept telling me that he was unhappy and felt like he has been missing something, but doesn't know what.
I have been ill for a couple of years, having been diagnosed with an auto-immune disorder. I was so wrapped up in my illness I didn't see or maybe didn't care how unhappy he was. I was struggling with what felt to me a death sentence. My husband barely came with me to doctor's appointments and generally didn't seem to care how scared and over-whelmed I was. I really resented that. I started low dose chemo in January and finally decided to go on sick leave from work because I was so sick.
This whole time, every few months we would have a blow out about how unhappy he was and that he wanted to leave. Three days into my sick leave, after being pretty uncaring and completely unresponsive to any attempt by me for affection he again said he wanted to leave. He told me we were not compatible and should have never gotten married and that he felt he settled when he married me. I lost it and told him to leave that day. He did!
We have had little contact since then. He wouldn't answer any of my text for days where of course (yes I know very wrong) I begged and pleaded with him to come home. The two times we talked, once he said there was still love, but love is not enough and the other that there is no us and never will be again. When I did see him, he hugged me and held me and kissed me, but again said that the love had not gone, but was not enough.
He is renting a room for the next two months and then wants to get an apartment. Most of his stuff is still here. I packed it into the garage. His animals (guinea pigs) are still here although he said he had found someone to take them temporarily. I have stopped texting him, he has text me twice. Once to give me his new number and to tell me to contact our insurance agent. We have no children together and have only been married for 3 1/2 years. What do I do?
I'm sorry for this long post and still trying to figure out all he lingo.
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
(
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2534754&page=1).
Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Thank You!
I have ordered the books and they should be here any day now.
I'm trying to be patient and am working on my health. Eating not so much, still don't have the stomach for it.
This site has been a God send for me. It gives me hope!
I believe in my vows and what my marriage to work.
I can't say I want my marriage back, because my marriage was not in the greatest shape and my husband, just like me, has a lot of work to do.
I want a better marriage with the man I love.
In reading through many posts I have noticed that there are not many in my situation. My husband and I do not have children together. I have adult children.
Once he moves his stuff out there is no need for him to contact me ever again, until divorce proceedings start.
He hasn't been evil or mean to me, just very cold. Even before he left he was cold and indifferent. Hanging on to hope. He did tell me that the love is still there. Sigh!!
GLA...working on it
Hi Diane. Sorry your here but now you are it's time to put the DBIng into place
I'm sure you have read other people's sitchs so you know the basics.
Besides your illness ( which is HUGE) what else do you think was wrong in your marriage ? The biggest lesson I learnt on here is that you can only fix you and by fixing of improving you there is a chance it could help draw your H back to the M
Stay strong and post often. Try to follow sitchs that mirror your own and offer support to others. The vets are amazing but in the ordinary folk like myself can offer support
Take care. Rd
Thank you RD for giving me encouragement.
I am trying to GAL. I'm going to the gym every day. I'm eating healthy. I'm off work and that helps a lot in the way I feel physically.
Yesterday, I bought new running shoes to use at the gym and made appointments for both cars to have their snow tires taken off and the summer tires put on.
I know that these are little things, but they are huge for me. For the last year and a half I could just barely drag myself to work (40-50 hrs a week). I never got anything else done. Housework and anything else suffered. Including my relationship with my husband. I think I realize that I was and maybe still am suffering from depression. I think an appointment with a counsellor is in order.
As far as finding other peoples situations. I have found maybe only 2 or 3 where there are no children involved. Anyone else out there like me?
As far as finding other peoples situations. I have found maybe only 2 or 3 where there are no children involved.
Anyone else out there like me?
I am sure there are lots of others.
You will find them, or I will think of them, patience=DB101
Further more he does seem to be following the script.
Could you tell us about your first marriage and
what happened there.
You have adult children.
Also was your husband married before?
What was his history?
My first marriage dissolved when I left him for another man. We married very young, I was 20 and he was 23. I was pregnant and thought I was doing the right thing by getting married. We parted amicably for the most part ten years later. We both had been having affairs for years (open marriage). Not something I'm proud off and never really wanted.
I had a long term relationship with the man I left my marriage for, for 8 years. He became involved more and more in drugs. Became very violent. It ended very badly. I was single for 2 years before I met my husband. I was very proud of myself and was doing quite well on my own. Raising my children and taking care of my house. I met my husband and fell in love immediately. He was sensitive, kind, caring man. So unlike my exes. It was almost a role reversal. I was the strong one and he was not.
My husband was never married. No children. He had a long term girlfriend that wanted to get married and have children. He broke it off with her because he does not want to have kids. Perfect I thought. No baggage, no exes, no kids.
How wrong I was. He became like my third child that I had to take care of.
My son is no longer at home, but my daughter still lives with me. There are issues with her and I am trying my best to deal with. This always caused problems. He said I was a bad parent, because I wanted to take care of my kids. I know I need my kids to be more independant and am trying to enforce that.
Other issue we had was my animals, I have 5 cats, a dog and his 2 Guinea Pigs. When I became Sick, I could not keep the house clean to his liking and work full time. The house suffered. No one would help me much. Only if I asked and I hate to ask anyone for help.
As far as finding other peoples situations. I have found maybe only 2 or 3 where there are no children involved. Anyone else out there like me?
Hi Diana. Offhand, ForeverYoung comes to mind. FY and his wife have no kids but a have couple of beloved pets like you, and are making very very slow but steady progress since his bomb about 3 years ago. His threads can be read at:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=userposts&view=started&id=31397
Thanks Linda
I've checked out his posts.
Feeling hopeless tonight. My husband has not contacted me in days.
No progress on the Guinea Pigs or his stuff. Like he wishes to erase the last 5 years.
On a brighter note. I received DB and DR books in the mail today.
Will have to start cracking on those tomorrow.
Mind you, I think in my relationship I have to implement the LRT already. I wish I would have found this board and these books a year ago when things started to fall apart.
Hi Diana, just checking in to let you know I was thinking about you. Thanks for stopping by my thread and giving your support and insight.
My experience of NC at the beginning was that it felt like an abyss, where hopelessness dwelled.
You will find however that the time in between contact and NC and then again contact with your H will allow you to gain perspective and some short term peace to reflect and recover, to gain understanding, it will allow you to consolidate any changes you have made, make concrete some of your ideas about yourself and about him. It will bring reprieve. For me it gives me time to catch my breath.
Hold the faith Diana! As is often quoted here this is a marathon not a sprint,
Time and patience, make them your friend.
(((((Diana)))))
JellyB X
Thanks JellyB
It means so much to me that someone understands.
NC is something new to me, since even when I withdrew due to my illness I still always talked, a lot.
I wonder what he is doing and who he is with and I have to stop that.
I really wish I would have found DB when my marriage first started to crack. My communication skills are sorely lacking.
NC today. Not sure when and if he is coming by this weekend to look after his Guinea Pigs. I guess for now I will continue to look after them.
No news about clearing out his stuff either.
Most of my friends and family want me to get rid of it all, but if I push he'll just get more upset and distant. What I don't get is how someone I spoke to every day for almost 5 years can just so easily walk away and not want to talk to me at all?
That really bothers me. I know....patience....GAL.
It would have been so much easier to GAL with him here.
Sigh
" What I don't get is how someone I spoke to every day for almost 5 years can just so easily walk away and not want to talk to me at all?
That really bothers me."
Hi Diana, if you let yourself grab on to ^^^^^^^^^^ question, you will surely drive yourself insane. that question is not conducive to getting you back to your gorgeous wonderful self!
The very plain reality is, you don't get an answer to that question. At least not right now.
There are better different questions that are more loving and kind to you. One of mine is what can I do right now to feel better? Sometimes it is just to feel sad, sometimes it's chocolate, sometimes it is rereading a chapter from DR, and sometimes it's finding a post on here that I can connect with. I guess in DB it is GAL.
I recently attended a mental toughness workshop, and the key messages were, get comfortable with the uncomfortable and thoughts change feelings, different better thought, different better feeling. The effort it takes me to raise my mood at the moment feels enormous at times, but its part of moving closer to the one i love or closer to the one I'm supposed to be with. I try to keep focussed on thoughts and actions that will bring me closer to what I want.
I have very lovely friend who so kindly quotes me back to myself when I get stuck in life (I'm so good with the sage advice to others). But what I have often said to friends is "this bit was only ever going to be a sh*t time, accept it, you don't have to like it, but when you do you're half way to where you wanna be) I can't believe how precious I can be but its good advice.
Anyway feel free to ignore that above, just know I'm here for you as are others. We are cheering for ya!
My best friend came over and we cleaned part of the basement. That makes me feel better. It is a monumental task, but we had to start somewhere. I was feeling awful most if the night. I haven't been eating well. Just had something now and I hope I will feel better. Whenever I feel weak I get stupid ideas in my head. Stupid ideas are not good. Lol
Still nothing from my H. Grumble! If I wasn't so hurt I'd be mad. Why am I taking care of his Guinea Pigs, buying all their food and cleaning their cage every day? Why is all his stuff still sitting out in the garage? If he wanted out so bad, why is he stalling? Makes me feel used!
Time to clean some more. I hope I feel better in the morning!
" Ive gotta wash that man right outta my ...." I think the song goes something like that. Cleaning is very therapeutic! Sometimes it feels like taking control.
Nice when the friends step up and help! Sharing the burden is brilliant, and being practically busy I think helps with detachment.
Not sure what "stupid ideas" are, should we worry?
If his things and animals are causing you upset and distress is there a friend that you could pass them to, so they cam drop them off to H? Or do want to hold on to them in the hope of contact with H?
Hang in there!
Hugs Jellyb
" What I don't get is how someone I spoke to every day for almost 5 years can just so easily walk away and not want to talk to me at all?
That really bothers me."
The reason is that there is something terribly wrong inside of him that you did not cause.
In all likely hood it is from his childhood.
Like a wounded animal he has gone off to heal himself.
Let Go and let him.
You didn't break him and can not FIX him.
Jelly B
I guess it is that I hope he will contact me because of the animals for the most part, also I am an animal lover. It is not their fault our marriage ran into trouble.
Cadet
Yes I know he has had a troubled life. His father died when he was 9. I think (arm chair psychologist) that caused a lot of abandonment issues. I know hoe hard it was for me to loose my father at 32.
I never wanted to fix him, but I always tried to comfort him.
I will let him be.
My husband was never married. No children. He had a long term girlfriend that wanted to get married and have children. He broke it off with her because he does not want to have kids. Perfect I thought. No baggage, no exes, no kids.
How wrong I was. He became like my third child that I had to take care of.
I guess he did have some then.
Cadet
Yes I know he has had a troubled life. His father died when he was 9. I think (arm chair psychologist) that caused a lot of abandonment issues. I know hoe hard it was for me to loose my father at 32.
I never wanted to fix him, but I always tried to comfort him.
I will let him be.
Yes I think his father dying may be what he needs to resolve.
You can NOT help him do that.
HE needs to resolve it.
If he starts acting like a 9 or 10 year old then you know that he has gone back in time to work on this issue.
I see it happen here all the time.
So how long do you think it takes for a 9 year old to grow up?
If he starts acting like a 9 or 10 year old then you know that he has gone back in time to work on this issue.
I see it happen here all the time.
So how long do you think it takes for a 9 year old to grow up?
Sorry to hijack for a minute this just caught me off guard. My W was emotionally abandoned as a young teenager by her parents and had to take care of herself and her younger siblings. Shes said when our sitch started she wanted to do something selfish and make herself happy for once, take care of herself instead of worry about everyone else. Close friend has said W looks like shes a young teenager with a massive crush on OM. I just never realized they could be connected so much.
I have my own issues to resolve. My health and my well being are number one right now.
I know I can't help him grow up. I still care and worry about him, but need him to make his own decisions. I was almost like a mother figure to him and when my health prevented me from doing that he became distant.
Diana
Yes, work on yourself that's the most important thing to do right now. He will have growing to do but it really is something that he has to figure out himself. You cant and shouldn't help him in taking those steps to grow as a person.
Me and W had a similar mother/son relationship so the comment on the first page about you having to take care of a 3rd child really hit home with me. I remember W stating the exact same thing to me a few times in the past and it always bothered me even thought it was true. I would act like a child and depend on her too much for things I could do myself but didn't do. She would treat me like a child and kept providing those things. It just kept getting worse as the years went by and I didn't realize it until after BD.
Cadet
You are absolutely right. He started buying comic books and action figurines. He was obsessed with his video games and would play until all hours of the night. I could have danced naked in front of the screen and he would have asked me to move out of the way. I tried staying involved by asking him about his games and going with him to the comic book stores. He pulled more and more away from me and lost himself to his fantasy world.
One of the reasons I went on sick leave, besides my health was to work on our marriage. I was out of the house 50 - 60 hours a week for work. We never had time together. I thought this would give us the time to rekindle our marriage. As soon as I was home he pulled away even more. Only 3 days in he left. Mind you I asked him to leave. I was so angry that he wouldn't even try.
In a way I feel I should have just left him alone, but that is what I did for the last year and that seemed to make it even worse.
Damned if you do and damned if you don't.
Now he has to grow up. He has to be responsible for his own business and his own bills. He has to grow up or hit rock bottom. Either way I can't help him.
He has to grow up or hit rock bottom. Either way I can't help him.
YUP
More than likely he has to hit rock bottom and then he might grow up.
I just deleted my husbands new cell number. I don't want to be tempted to text him. That is what I meant about stupid ideas. He doesn't seem to care about his stuff still being here or his Guinea Pigs. Arrrggghhh! I have signed up on a meet up site. Going to check out a Spiritualist group tomorrow evening and maybe Tuesday go to a meditation group.
Yoga in the morning and then Aqua Fitness. Birthday party tomorrow afternoon.
Pissed off that my husband is going to continue with the motorcycle club we had both joined years ago. He is training to be a road captain, even tough he told me he didn't want to do it. Most members of the club are not too happy with him for leaving me just after I started chemo. Don't think he will get a very warm reception.
Today I'm angry. He obviously does not care about anyone but himself. The Guineas are still here. Nothing has been discussed. He ignored my texts about them yesterday and just goes on with his life. His stuff is in the garage and there it sits. He wants out get your stuff! Arrrggghhh!
I want to cut off all contact and re-home his animals. I want to throw out all his stuff in the garage or even better sell it.
But then I think if I do that there will be no way for us to get back together.
Any advice?
Get rid of the geuinea pigs. Send him a text saying come get them today or tomorrow they will have a new home. You are not his standby content to pick up the inconvenient pieces of his life.
You cannot really throw out his belongings so just let them sit in the garage. If you absolutely MUST get rid of his stuff then at the most, you can stick them in a mini warehouse and pay the first month. Give him the key and location and let him know that the next months are on him. Do not be a doormat. But if you can live with the stuff in the garage then just leave it.
I have found a GAL activity!!!
Before I met my husband I always wanted my own motorcycle.
It is one of the things that drew me to him and I loved being on the back of the bike. All this weekend my heart hurt when I saw a motorcycle, not just because I missed being on the back with my husband, but I was going to miss out on riding period. No more!!!! I am signing up for the course running this weekend and started looking for a beginners bike for me.
Open road here I come!
Very nice, great way to take the pain and turn it into something that makes you happy. Keep up the good work.
So, about the Guinea Pigs. Again, it's not their fault so I will continue to look after them because it's the right thing to do. I will look after them and all the other animals, because that is part of being responsible. My bills will be paid, even tough he has not paid for the ones that he still owes for. I will feel better because I know I can and do live without him every day.
Today is an easy day for me. I'm going to study the motorcycle book so I am well prepared for the M1 test that I want to take tomorrow. Friday night my course starts. I'm excited yet nervous. This is something I really wanted, yet thought was out of my realm of possibilities. I can and will do this!!!!
I am a little disappointed with myself. I really wanted to hit the gym this morning and do Aqua Therapy (yoga in water), but got too engrossed in reading "Nuggets of Wisdom" on the board. Lol! I will not beat myself up too much about it. I did have a great workout last night doing Aqua Fitness. Tonight I would like to check out a Meditation group running in my area. Still working on the letting it go thing. Every time I think about my H and how unfair this situation is for me I start to count my blessings, starting with my children and my loving wonderful animals.
I do visualize myself in the future, happy with my husband happy as well. We both were so unhappy for the past few years. We had so many things thrown at us right from the beginning. His job loss, difficult relationships with my children and then my illness! We just didn't know how to communicate with each other. I just ran to work more, making myself sick, because I thought money would be the solution. It wasn't! Mind you, if I won the lottery it would make GAL activities so much more fun.
I have not seen or talked to my H in 10 days. Had a brief text exchange 3 days ago, then received the brush off ( no response ). The deal was that he was to come by and clean the Guinea cage once a week and visit with the dog. He came once in 3 weeks. He was to arrange with his friends to pick up the rest of his stuff, that was 2 weeks ago. I did pack up everything and put it out in the garage....where it still sits. Lol!! I did e-mail him a screen shot of the Rogers Bill I received yesterday morning. No words or anything attached. I did wonder if that was a mistake. He owes for his cell phone, but I do know that he is pretty much broke right now and one of the things we always argued about was his lack of responsibility in taking care of the bills he was supposed to pay.
I don't want to harp on him to pay what he owes, but I don't see why I should pay his bills. Btw, his cell has been switched to his own account now and the outstanding balance is what he owes from when we were still together.
Any thoughts on how to proceed?
NC is hard, but seems the only thing besides GAL that I can do right now.
Detaching is so difficult when you wake up in the morning missing them so very much.
Detaching is so difficult when you wake up in the morning missing them so very much.
I know how that feels. It takes time to get past that. One morning, early on in my situation, I woke up all panicked thinking that everything happening was a nightmare. Then I saw the empty spot in the bed beside me.
*hugs*
Thankfully the spot beside me is never empty. My dog and cats always surround me.
First night I woke up not remembering that he was gone. Then it all hit me again. That was tough. Sometimes I come home expecting him to be there.
It has been 4 days with absolutely no contact. I'm kind of getting used to it.
Most everyone in my life says good riddance. A man that leaves his wife during chemo treatments isn't right. I still love him, but they are right. I would have never done that to him.
I had an eventful day. I got my M1 motorcycle licence and I bought myself a bike.
I'm so proud of myself. Unfortunately, the first thing I thought about was telling my H and how excited he would have been. Took a big breath and woohooed in my car on the way home. Can't wait to get the bike next week. Lots to do over the next few days, getting it safetied and registered. I want to buy a new helmet and get some gloves tomorrow, maybe even some raingear. Friday, Saturday and Sunday is my motorcycle training course.
Diana-
NC is hard. Keep treating contact with him as a preference, not a need. Of course you'd prefer it, but you don't need it. Like when I go to order something but they're out- I just choose something else without freaking out.
So...I went through my phone and social media contacts and made a list of people I haven't really communicated with for awhile. Every time I get the urge to call or text my wife, I'll reach out to somebody on that list instead. I've made it a happy thing. I haven't even really gone into details with them about my situation, I just try to keep the focus on them.
I don't nervously check each text anymore thinking it could be her. I have great conversations with people as I cook, do laundry, ride the bike at the gym, drive, or get ready for bed. By the time my head is on the pillow I'm sick of my phone and wouldn't pick up even if she called because I'm too tired :}
Kudos on the motorcycle stuff. It's staying busy and doing something for you. I'm proud of you.
Detaching is so difficult when you wake up in the morning missing them so very much.
Hi Diana,
It most certainly is. For at least 2 weeks after my W left, I would wake up in a panic wondering what happened to her. Then the reality would set in.
It's been 6 months, but I am not giving up! Please hang in there. We are here for you, we understand.
Regards,
Bob
I deleted my H's new cell number so I don't get tempted to call or text him randomly. It is still so difficult, since that was a daily thing I did every day for almost 5 years. Just little texts to say I love you, I miss you. He did the same to me. I still have most of the texts. Right until the day he moved out.
He has now gone cold, does not text me or engage me in any way.
I feel like I am living in limbo. Lots of his stuff is still here, the animals. He just cut off all contact. That hurts! I want to take steps forward to finalize things, but can't with out his co-operation. And no, not divorce proceedings. In Canada you have to wait a full year to file after separation.
Real Me
Thank you for the advice. I think NC is going to be pretty easy for me. He just never answered me back on anything, so.....I just stopped all together.
I do hope to get some kind of answer on some paperwork, and his things.
After that, we have no reason to communicate at all until the divorce papers are filed and even then we don't have to communicate.
I'm going on with my life as if he is not in it, because he is not in it. I know it's been less than a month, but I really wonder if I want this man in my life period.
Sometimes I get angry about all the callous things he has done, but anger is such a wasted emotion. I have to concentrate on my health, anger just stresses me out and makes my symptoms worse. I am just sad sometimes that he was just not willing to work on our marriage.
Not giving up yet, but thinking about it. I have to find my own path now.
Concentrate on my health and my future career plans. I don't want to nor do I think I can physically go back to my job. That will be a huge change for me. I have been there for 17 years. A lot of my self identification has hinged on my well paying job and financial security, but money isn't everything and change is always good, even if we can't see it at the beginning.
Bob,
Thank you for the support. It does help tremendously to know that I'm not alone in my struggles!
I think you have the right idea about if you really want him in your life now. My thought is if he wants to come back he will, but if he does it has to be on both of our terms. It also has to be his idea to want to come back. I am not about convincing him to come back. If they want to come back I think we have more of a chance of the M working out.
Ok so he replied to my e-mail and wants to come get his stuff this weekend. I won't be home and really don't want him there when I'm not there.
What should I do?
well if it is still his home legally then there is nothing you can really do. Is there a particular reason you do not want him there without you?
Bob,
Thank you for the support. It does help tremendously to know that I'm not alone in my struggles!
Hi Diana,
You're welcome, I love helping others. It brings me joy. You are
not alone in your struggles -- we on this forum are like one giant family.
As I think you know, my WAW has MS and other medical issues. The main thing I did wrong in her eyes is become "smothering." Looking back, I can see how it came across like that to her. (I've probably written this several times in my thread.)
What song do I hear on the radio coming home from work tonight? Wild Horses by the Rolling Stones.
This verse really hits home for me:
"I watched you suffer a dull aching pain
Now you've decided to show me the same
No sweeping exit or offstage lines
Could make me feel bitter or treat you unkind
Wild horses couldn't drag me away"I bring this up because I still love my wife very much and I have some bad days but I'm getting stronger little by little. Somehow, we will all make it through these rough times including you! Whether our M is saved or not, we will become better people. Keep working on yourself to be the "Best Diana" you can be. You can do this!
Bob
Pilot
Legally the home is mine and was mine long before we were married.
I just want to make sure he doesn't load up anything that isn't his. He came with very little into this house and he should leave the same.
Also, this is the only interaction we will get and as much as it frightens me I have to show him that I'm ok and that I can and will go on without him!
Bob,
I wish my husband would have even cared just a little bit when I was diagnosed with my illness. I have an auto-immune disease called Scleroderma. It can be life threatening if not managed properly. He made it to one of my specialist appointments and yelled at me all the way there telling me I was needy.
Some days I wonder why I even love this man. I deserved better than that.
Sigh!
I'm doing my motorcycle course tomorrow and hope I can keep him out of my head long enough for that.
I gotcha Diana. Just make sure your are being truthful to yourself that you are concerned about his taking things which he may not be entitled to vs your desire to see him and show him your progress. I dont mean to doubt you but I know how strong the desire can be to want to have some interaction with our spouses. Ask yourself will your presence at the home help or hurt your ultimate goal. Is there a risk for conflict? A risk of coming across as pursuing? Again, by all means protect your property. Heck, even have a friend over at the time if necessary.
Good luck!
Bob,
I wish my husband would have even cared just a little bit when I was diagnosed with my illness. I have an auto-immune disease called Scleroderma. It can be life threatening if not managed properly. He made it to one of my specialist appointments and yelled at me all the way there telling me I was needy.
Some days I wonder why I even love this man. I deserved better than that.
Sigh!
I'm doing my motorcycle course tomorrow and hope I can keep him out of my head long enough for that.
Diana,
You certainly deserved way better than that!! I never acted that way with my wife, she thought I became over-protective. So she leaves me without even a chance at counseling, etc. Go figure.
I know what Scleroderma is. At one point, after my W was diagnosed with MS, a doctor thought she might have that, too. I will keep praying for you. You are in a tough spot, but you will get through this!
Enjoy the motorcycle course tomorrow and let us know how it goes, okay??
Sending a (((((Diana)))) (hug) your way.
Regards,
Bob
Pilot,
I will probably have someone else here. I just don't want my children put in the middle of it. My daughter was very close to him and he has totally cast her aside as well. I think it's a mixture of both. Also, he has some outstanding bills he has to take care of and I'm afraid that once he takes his stuff he won't.
I'm on disability right now and money is tight. I should not have to pay for his outstanding bills. Fool that I was I left all the bills in my name.
You got this Diana-
Show him nothing but contentment, serenity, and grace. You are detached. Lovingly indifferent.
Your feelings will try to ambush you. Don't walk into it. I'm thinking the best for you and look forward to hearing how it went.
Pilot
Also, this is the only interaction we will get and as much as it frightens me I have to show him that I'm ok and that I can and will go on without him!
Hello Diana!
I meant to ask you last night why this interaction frightens you? The pressure? Afraid of saying something "wrong"? Just nervous overall? I understand any or all of those.
Hang in there. It seems like you are making progress.
Bob
You got this Diana-
Show him nothing but contentment, serenity, and grace. You are detached. Lovingly indifferent.
Your feelings will try to ambush you. Don't walk into it. I'm thinking the best for you and look forward to hearing how it went.
Diana, RealMe gave you excellent advice. I'm thinking the best for you as well.
RealMe, you are doing a fantastic job trying to help others. You have come so far in such a short time. Keep it up . . . you can do this. Getting involved in other people's situations is very healthy. As a side benefit, you may read about a situation similar to yours that can end up benefiting your DB process.
Take care Diana and RealMe. I am
proud of both of you.
Bob
What an exhausting day. Riding a motorcycle all day long is exhausting. Thankfully I did not dump my bike even once.
One more day tomorrow.
I went for coffee with my H today. We ended up talking for over 2 hours. And I did everything wrong lol!!! I did start out very happy, actually I still am happy. No reconciliation, but there is still love. He wants to go out riding with me when I get my bike next week and was totally flabbergasted that I'm getting my licence and bought a bike. He is so happy for me! We will date and see where it goes. Biggest concern for him has always been the dependence of my adult children on me to provide for them and the multitude of animals. Now I have only 2 that actually belong to me, the rest my son brought into the household but doesn't take care of. I have to figure out what to do about that. I know I indulged my kids for far too long to the point of running myself ragged and then becoming sick. Yes my H left me during the worst time of my life, but if he didn't I would still be on my path of destruction. This has snapped me out if it. I need to take care of me!!! I need to find my own happiness! I have to take control of my health and live! Lots to think about and figure out. Regardless of what happens, I will forever be grateful to him for doing that.
Yes my H left me during the worst time of my life, but if he didn't I would still be on my path of destruction. This has snapped me out if it. I need to take care of me!!! I need to find my own happiness! I have to take control of my health and live! Lots to think about and figure out. Regardless of what happens, I will forever be grateful to him for doing that.
Hi Diana!
I am so happy that you had a great time and did not dump your motorcycle once. Woo hoo!
I am also happy you had a chance to meet up with your H, even if you feel like you did the wrong things. Can you give us one example?
Your comment about needing to take care of yourself is so, so true. Since I started doing that, I feel better about my sitch with my WAW, even though we are not any closer to reconciling. I did have some things to work on and will continue to. Most were (are) related to low self-esteem.
Take care.
Bob
Diana that's fantastic about the bike. I'm jealous!
Why do you say you did everything wrong?
Bob, RealMe,
I poured my heart out to him. I didn't cry or became emotional and agreed with him on things he had issues with. I was firm on the fact that I did not want a divorce and wanted to work on our marriage. He doesn't want to give me " false" hope, but does want to interact more with me. I told him either there is hope or there isn't and that I have hope and faith that things will work out the way they are supposed to. He did tell me that he loves me and that he knows and always has that I love him.
Now the shocker.....he told me today that he plans on moving himself and his business 2 hours south of here. Surprisingly enough, I agree with him. He will do so much better there. Now I still need to work on myself and we still have many issues to resolve, but I am not adverse to moving there to be with him....later. He made sure to tell me a few times that him moving does not mean the end of us.
Lots to think about!!!
On a really happy note......I passed my motorcycle course!!! Woohoo!!! I am so sunburnt and tired. Lol!
Hi Diana,
From the way you described it, it sounds like you did well. I am so happy for you...keep it up! It sounds like there is hope for your M.
Also, as you mentioned, keep working on yourself. We all need to do this--it's a life-long process.
And . . . congratulations on passing your motorcycle course!
Woo Hoo!
Bob
Hi Bob,
I have a lot of soul searching to do. I never really left " home", although I really wanted to. I stayed close to be with my family, my mom, brother and my children. My kids are adults, but still act like teenagers. I want to help them, but don't want to do everything for them. I just can't anymore! Do I work towards being able to move away and be with him? Can I trust him not to leave me again if my illness progresses? Those are things to think about in the future I guess. For now I need to concentrate on me and when we do get together to have a good time.
Hi Bob,
I have a lot of soul searching to do. I never really left " home", although I really wanted to. I stayed close to be with my family, my mom, brother and my children. My kids are adults, but still act like teenagers. I want to help them, but don't want to do everything for them. I just can't anymore! Do I work towards being able to move away and be with him? Can I trust him not to leave me again if my illness progresses? Those are things to think about in the future I guess. For now I need to concentrate on me and when we do get together to have a good time.
Hi Diana,
It seems like you may have answered your own question.
I have 3 siblings who acted like teenagers well into their adult years (not me, of course! LOL) My Mom and Dad, in my opinion, did way too much for them. As you say, they are adults and you just can't help them anymore. If you still love your H, yes, concentrate on yourself so you can work towards being with him.
Of course always try to be there for your children, but you need to set limits. It is for their good as well as your own.
Oh, one last thing, I feel you have a healthy attitude about when you do get together with your H. Very good.
I have a feeling you are going to make it!
Bob
Woke up this morning feeling awful. Talked to my H again last night for a couple of hours. He made some valid points about issues he felt that I did not deal with. I validated the hell out of everything he said. I listened, I agreed (even if I really didn't). I did not bring up any of my issues with him, because then he will just get defensive and back away again.
This morning I woke up a bit angry. He is telling me all the things I did so wrong and how he couldn't live with that anymore. He doesn't like how I parent. Mind you he has no children of his own. I know I am overly protective and over indulgent with my adult children. I want to help them as much as I can. I get that they take advantage of that, but as he puts it giving them "tough love" and pretty much kicking them out. I do not know if I can do that. I have to figure out how to launch them to independence.
My animals. My H is frustrated with the multitude. I have 5 cats, a dog and my H's 2 Guinea Pigs. I'm pretty sure I will be adopting out the Guineas in the next little while. The cats....only one is truly mine. She has been with me for 11 years, as well as my doggie who is 10. The others I would like to split up between my children.
Ok so now what. I still have no guarantees that he will be there for me. He is starting his life in a new city, without me in the plans.
Another thing that burns my ass is that just days after we split up his best friends and his wife( a devout Christian) were drawing up plans for him as to how he could move his business to their city. Not once did they suggest to him to try to work things out with his wife. If we were to get back together, that is something I have to deal wih.
Sigh! He will be here in 2 hours to help me get my new bike to a shop to get certified. I don't know how to react. I think R talks will not be good today.
Do I act indifferent? Do we kiss? Do I tell him I love him?
Diana,
I don't know your complete situation, but I believe today you need to act yes act... As If. A light went off and you completely understand everything about life and love. Do not tell him you love him, do not get into relationship talks. Let him open the door, and respond with things like "I never saw it from that perspective, thanks for the insight." or "I need to think about that before answering you."
He is placing on the blame on you. His life. His happiness. Is your burden, not his. Which is false. By saying you love him, kiss him, etc. You are reinforcing him or smothering him. It will only want him to move faster.
I will read the rest of your situation and come up to speed today.
Good luck today!!!
I just read through your thread. I am very impressed Diana! Congratulations on the motorcycle course. That sounds fantastic!
You have some really great people in your corner!
I believe if you read about Squiggy and about NH, you will see that they are closer to piecing things back together than you currently are. But in their stories you will see how wishy washy the Spouse can be. The more pressure you apply the more difficult your journey may be. Validate, and be patient.
You got some good advice for today. Act happy. Do not engage in any kind of relationship talk. Do not pursue or kiss or tell him you love him. Be brief. You just got your motorcycle and you cannot wait to use it. Once you get the help that you needed from him, thank him and say goodbye. YOU must be the one to say goodbye as a signal for him to leave. Do not drag it out or let your time together drag out.
Yes thank you...just sitting here waiting for H to show up. I am running everything through my head. I will be a bit more distant today. Act as if he's just a friend.
This is so hard, because all I want to do is melt into his arms.
Nerves of steel! I can do this!!!!!
I rode my new bike home. I know it was only a 2 minute ride, but it was awesome.
Oh boy...this did not go as planned. We ended up talking for hours. We have made some significant breakthroughs. We will remain separated to work on our respective issues. He wants me to get better for me and me alone. He has been clear about the things he does not like about me and my interactions with others.
He does want his wife back and told me he loves me very much. He has promised to listen to me and be there for me when I make some hard choices about my life. And he has promised me that he will keep his vows to be there for better or worse and however long it takes. I'm feeling optimistic, yet apprehensive. It puts so much pressure on me. I am going to call and book in with my therapist right now. I have a lot of things to discuss.
Diana I don't think you're doing anything wrong per se, because it sounds like he is initiating a lot of the relationship talk. Just remember, he is going to speak in absolute negatives.
Maybe now is a good time to speak with actions...see what happens when you're not so available for an hours long talk where he tells you why it's all your fault. Mahhhty's advice was very wise.....
Actually today there were not many negatives from him. More positives. I really listened to him today. He cried and told me he wants me to be healthy and happy, with or without him. No guarantees, but a step in the right direction.
This will be hard and a long process. I'm still doing my GAL activities and looking after my health. I have to work on my house to get it ready to sell over the summer. I want to be able to enjoy my bike this summer. Working on some spiritual growth and alternative therapies. Putting some strategies in place to help my children grow up and be responsible adults.
My H is working on himself too, by becoming financially responsible and independant. I know my caretaker personality took over for most of our marriage. It made him feel less secure and made me resentful.
I talked at length with my mother yesterday. About my children, my health, my work and generally what I really want out of life. She surprised me by agreeing with most of what I said. She is a negative person by nature and usually only sees the negatives in everything. So that was a breakthrough! Then I made the mistake of telling her I had been talking to my H. I didn't go into details. She is adamantly against us trying to work things out. She asked me how I could ever forgive and forget what he has done to me. I get that she is my mother and only wants me not to get hurt. I did tell her that I can and will forgive home, but not for him, for myself. Of course I will not forget that he left me at the worst time of my life, but also know that our BD was years in the making before I became ill.
Just another burden to add, but I have to live my life the way that makes me happy, not her. That is another issue I have to work through. I am the youngest and only girl of three. My family has always put a lot of pressure on me living my life in the way they see appropriate. They have helped me raise my children when I was a single mother and have always supported me, including financially. Does that give them the right to take away my happiness?
Everyone is entitled to happiness! But the catch is everyone is responsible for their happiness.
You should read or watch some more about Family/Friend Support. Your family has pre-conceived notions on the person you are, your actions, your life, your personality, your future, and current well being. That's b/c they are family or friends and have seen you through multiple experiences or years. They want you to be happy, but this happiness is really instantaneous happiness. They want you to be happy in the moment that they see you, and they will do or say anything to reach that goal. Furthermore, they want to be instantaneously happy, they don't want to be bogged down either. So it is also a self-serving goal.
Be careful looking for advice or validation from family. It will always be biased!
As for you H, I am not sure if it is a good thing or a bad thing that you both engaged in hours of conversation. Similarly, it is unclear to me how wishy washy your H is being.
Hard question time.... Do you think this was the best thing for your long term relationship goals? Did you follow DB/DR? Or do you think that you succumbed to your instantaneous wants of being with him enough to indulge in hours of conversation?
mahhhty,
You are right! My family is not the best people to talk about this.
I almost feel like a teenager trying to rebel. In the end I will make my own decisions regardless if family or friends like it.
As far as my husband. Not sure if he is being washy washy. I did validate his concerns about some of the issues that bothered him. So far, except the first contact he has been the one contacting me. Wanting to help me with my new motorcycle. Today I had to wait for the insurance agent to finish lunch so I could get a slip for my bike and he text me wanting to come over and wait with me since it was only a few minute drive from his new place. Yes I do want to be with him. I miss our daily interactions. I don't go out of my way to go see him. I've been busy. I do think we took it to far today. We went back to his place and made love. Not really sure how he felt about it after since we both had to hurry off to appointments.
Regardless, he is leaving in the fall. I want him to go and try to make it on his own. Estabablish himself and take care of his own finances. He needs to do this. I need to work on myself. I did tell him today that our marriage as it was is dead, but that our marriage in the future can be so much better. We will see. I do wonder sometimes if I'm not setting myself up for more heartbreak later.
He did promise to keep his vows and that he would be there for me anytime I needed him.
So H text again last night asking if he could come over to pick something up. Sure no problem. When he gets here he told me that we should lay off on the physical stuff. That it felt weird and wrong. As much as that hurt I agree with him.
I need to take a step back from him. I am grateful for the help he is giving me with getting my bike and the talks we have had have been helpful on giving me insight to myself and how he feels and sees our situation, I can not let him sidetrack me on my GAL and PMA.
He also has been getting sidetracked. He has missed two work appointments, because he has been with me. I felt a bit bad about that, but he is a big boy and should know his own schedule.
I would love some feedback.
I need to take a step back from him. I am grateful for the help he is giving me with getting my bike and the talks we have had have been helpful on giving me insight to myself and how he feels and sees our situation, I can not let him sidetrack me on my GAL and PMA.
Yes this sounds like the right direction
He also has been getting sidetracked. He has missed two work appointments, because he has been with me. I felt a bit bad about that, but he is a big boy and should know his own schedule.
Agreed he is an adult, let him fix his own choices.
Okay. I am starting to see the bigger picture. I don't think you have been doing as good as I originally thought. I think he is the definition of wishy washy. He is a cake eater. He wants to have his cake and eat it too.
Don't let him. You need to be the lighthouse (read the lighthouse story in Cadet's welcome post). You need to work on yourself continue to make yourself happy, and you can't give in to his needs and wants. He wants to talk about the relationship... You talk. He wants to have sex... You do. He wants to see you. You get together. Sometimes the worst thing you can do is pick up the phone. Instantaneously it feels great. I am sure sex felt like a great idea, but now he is confused and drawing the line of no more sex. He is in control of the ship. It is time for you to be the Captain. I would start to employee Sandi's Rules immediately. Build your life, and let him see that you are moving on (acting As If, even if you have to win an Oscar).
Again today he text me. I have kept my replies short and to the point.
He talked with his mother this morning and she seems to think that we will be together to where he is moving, my reply to that was:
Maybe, but we both have a lot of work ahead of us on ourselves. It's nice that your mother thinks so.
His reply:
What do you think?
He then proceeded to text me that he has an appointment with his counsellor on Tuesday. He has not been to see the counsellor since December before our separation in April. Why is he telling me this?
As far as seeing each other. He is supposed to help me get my bike tomorrow morning and then I have to leave for a doctors appointment right away. There will be no R talk or anything else.
For next week I am making myself scarce. I have an appointment with my counsellor Monday and for the rest of the week I will be taking classes, going to the gym and practicing riding on my new bike at every opportunity.
I wonder if the almost 4 weeks of NC shook him and made him realize just what all he gave up. Yes the bad parts of our marriage, but all the good parts too.
Regardless, I don't want him to come back. If he does, then the whole vicious cycle starts again. My marriage as it was is dead. What the future holds I don't know. I have to focus on me!!! Getting my house ready to sell is a huge undertaking. Purging all the stuff will be therapeutic.
Did you make all the decisions and plans in the relationship?
He wants your opinion on everything. I think you should start making your opinion scarce. "I'm not sure about that I'll have to think about it." Is a good answer. He's confused and a hot mess. Some people want to hear someone's opinion to agree others want to hear it to disagree. I think depending on any given second he could be either.
Does this make sense?
He wants your opinion on everything. I think you should start making your opinion scarce. "I'm not sure about that I'll have to think about it." Is a good answer.
Hello Diana,
My dear friend Mahhhty provided you with an excellent response.
Going forward, I also think you should make your opinion scarce.
Try to have a good evening.
Bob
Did you make all the decisions and plans in the relationship?
Yes actually I did make most if not all the decisions and plans. Until I became sick I ran the household. Then I just got too tired to do much of anything.
He contacted me last night. He wants us to get back together, eventually.
I have been adamant about him going his own way and doing his own thing.
I have so much work to do on myself, my house and my relationship with my children. He feels insecure about me being on my own and that I might find someone else. I felt the same way when he first left, then I started to GAL.
I told him that I said my vows and I was going to honour them.
There has never been anyone else for either of us.
He resumes individual counselling next week, so do I. We both want to do couples counselling as soon as possible. We have a lot of work to do. I have to figure out if I can forgive the fact that he left me when I was at my sickest. Oh heck...there are a lot of things to get over before I can say for sure we will get back together.
Yesterday it dawned on me that I have the power back in this relationship. I don't really want it, but it is nice that now my emotions are affected by my decisions, not his.
Diana... I think he is in a very weird place.
Comments like "I told him that I said my vows and I was going to honour them." Either provide him security that you will wait for him no matter what OR it provides pressure to him.
I think dropping the rope/the safety net is required so that he feels what life is like without you.
Am I doing this right? I would love some feedback
Diana I think you're doing a lot of things right. I also think you could be doing some things
better. Specifically;
detaching, and
avoiding any R talk.
I know how hard it is when you're
in the moment. We can read and study and get advice and plan
before we're in conversations with our spouses- or even with them in person; but
in the moment sometimes it's like all of our preparation goes out the window. We're in so much pain, we want them
so badly so we capitulate to our 'feelings' in the heat of the moment- especially when lovemaking is involved.
I read other people's situations and I can very objectively see what they are doing that is working and what isn't. I can give advice like a completely caring but non-involved third person. Why? Because I'm
completely detached from that situation. But I've been struggling now for over three months to bring that same level of rationale and simple solution oriented thinking to my
own situation.
Therein lies the key sweet Diana. Act as if you are an outside viewer of your situation. Act like you're giving somebody else advice (of which you've given quite well on these boards).
Detach. No relationship talk. No initiating. Keep your conversations light and brief if H initiates. Use your energy on
yourself.
Therein lies the key sweet Diana. Act as if you are an outside viewer of your situation. Act like you're giving somebody else advice (of which you've given quite well on these boards).
Detach. No relationship talk. No initiating. Keep your conversations light and brief if H initiates. Use your energy on yourself.
Hi Diana,
I've read your thread and about your sitch. I will tell you that I see your struggle and I feel your pain as much of it resonates with me. I send you (((ehugs))), we all need them
I really like what RealMe says. It's golden and I'll be instituting that advice in my own sitch.
Hang tough girl,
Diesel
Therein lies the key sweet Diana. Act as if you are an outside viewer of your situation. Act like you're giving somebody else advice (of which you've given quite well on these boards).
Detach. No relationship talk. No initiating. Keep your conversations light and brief if H initiates. Use your energy on yourself.
Hi Diana,
I've read your thread and about your sitch. I will tell you that I see your struggle and I feel your pain as much of it resonates with me. I send you (((ehugs))), we all need them
I really like what RealMe says. It's golden and I'll be instituting that advice in my own sitch.
Hang tough girl,
Diesel
Hello Diana,
I agree 100% with what RealMe and Diesel wrote that I felt obligated to quote them both.
I, like Diesel, really do feel your pain. I have made a big mistake of bringing up R issues when we were supposed to speak about light subjects. Ugh, it happens to us all.
BTW, thank you for your post in my thread earlier today. So many people posted, and I responded to all in a post a few hours ago.
In case you miss it, here is what I psoted to you:
Diana, you are too kind but I'll humbly accept the compliment. I am so happy I could make you feel better, even if it was only for a few minutes. Don't we all need that?Take care and (((((Diana)))))
Bob
My H and I are piecing.
We both want nothing more than to be with each other, but we want us to do this right. We want to go to counselling individually and then as a couple. Our communication was sorely lacking.and that is something we need to work on.
I will update when I can.
Today is a beautiful day, so I'm going out on my bike and then off to see a concert in Toronto with my H.
Had my IC appointment yesterday. She suggested doing couples counselling at the same time. H has his IC today.
H cooked dinner for me last night and we watched some Netflicks. I promptly fell asleep. He didn't want to wake me. Apparently I was sleeping so peacefully. Lol
I did wake up in the middle of the night and thought about going home. He asked me to stay and I slept in until 9 am. Hurried home...the fur babies needed to be fed.
I feel good today. I guess I really needed the 10 hours sleep.
Couples counselling set for May 19th.
I had a bad day yesterday. I know getting our marriage back on track will be hard work. Sometimes I find it overwhelming. The romantic notion that I should be my husbands number 1 priority creeps into my head and heart and it hurts to know that I wasn't and I'm still not.
any help?
The romantic notion that I should be my husbands number 1 priority creeps into my head and heart and it hurts to know that I wasn't and I'm still not.
You know this how?
What is his love language and what is yours?
Are you sure you are both speaking the same one?
Heading to the library to get the book tonight.
My H will be busy relocating his business to a new city in the fall. He wants me to come with him, but that means leaving my job and my family behind. Not sure if I can do that. Not to mention, his friends and his video games always came before me and they always will.
I'm feeling rather numb the last few days. The pain of having lost him is gone, since we are (sorta) back together. The happiness of knowing that he wants our marriage to work has gone now too. I feel empty. There is so much uncertainty and so much work ahead of me. I have to get the house ready to sell. I'm still battling my chronic illness. I know my family will be upset with me that I don't want to buy another house and I'm not looking forward to hearing those lectures.
Sometimes I wonder if I truly want to be with my husband. Not to mention I still have to come to terms with how awful he was to me during the worst time of my illness. I think I need some space, but then he gets worried and insecure. Sigh!
I read most of the 5 love languages book yesterday.
I think my love language is Acts of Service with my secondary being a Words of Affirmation.
My H I believe is Physical Touch or Words of Affirmation.
I spoke with H about the book and he said he would go get it from the library.
That is now in his court. I will not bring it up again. He knows I read it, now waiting on him for that.
Another thing that has been bothering me is that he said he would try to read up and understand more about my illness, since that was a huge problem for him.
Just to re-cap....I have an auto-immune disease called Scleroderma. Besides turning connective tissue hard, almost like scar tissue, it also causes joint swelling, chronic fatigue and can affect organs such as the lungs, heart, kidneys and liver. I have hardening of the skin on my stomach and right side of my body. It s uncomfortable all the time and often painful. I also have Rhumatoid arthritis that has been aggravated by this illness and by my line of work (17 years in an automotive factory). Last year I started treatment in the forms of immuno-suppressivng medications and steroids. I had an allergy reaction to one of the medication (full body rash) and gained a ton of weight. I felt awful! In January I was put on low dose chemo injections that made me feel even worse. At the end of March I was forced to take to take short term disability because I was missing so much time from work from the nausea. From the beginning of my diagnosis my H had an I don't care attitude. He made it to just a couple of my doctors appointments and gave me no support at all. My first appointment with my specialist he went so far as to tell me to not be so needy and to suck it up and stop being a complainer. That hurt a lot and I started to withdraw from him.
As of a month ago, right after he left me, I have been pulled off all medication. My liver has been damaged from all the poison I had been putting in my body. The doctors were worried my liver would give out if I continued. So, I have been eating healthy, exercising, loosing weight, finding my faith/spiritual self again. I started a liver cleanse a few weeks ago. So far so good. I'm feeling better physically. Through talking things out over the last few weeks with my H the past few weeks, he has discovered that he has a fear of sick people, because he lost so many people in his life when he was younger, including his father when he was 8. He pulls back and shuts down to not feel the pain. He is working with a counsellor to deal with this and promised me that he would support me from now on in my battle with my illness. But as of right now he still hasn't done any research on this disease and doesn't understand that I might look fine and be ok one day and not the next. There is no cure and I will have to manage the symptoms for the rest of my life.
Some days I feel he is just giving me lip service to keep me hanging on.
How in the world are we ever supposed to work things out if he has no intentions of ever coming home. He is starting a new life in another city and yes he says he wants me there with him, but I have to give up my whole life to do that. My job, my children, my family, my friends. We have the summer to figure it out.
Am I wasting my time? Should I just move on without him in my life?
Am I wasting my time?
Should I just move on without him in my life?
Only YOU can decide when you are wasting your own time.
We cant make that decision for YOU.
I suggest instead of "moving on" continue to "move forward",
and later you can always decide to "move on"
Make sense?
It does make sense.
I have my GAL activities to do, my house to get ready and my health to take care of. I will move forward with individual counselling and couples counselling. I guess only time will tell if my H and I can make this work.
For today I will do some work around the house and then go ghost hunting with my daughter tonight.
Ghost hunt was cancelled because of severe thunderstorms. Bummer!
It should be rescheduled in about 2 weeks. It's something my daughter loves (paranormal investigations) and I've always been interested in.
I had a bit of a melt down last night. Just felt so insecure about the future.
Went to see H last night and we had a long talk about it. He reassured me that he is working on his issues and he is looking at the end game, which is him and I in a stronger marriage. I feel better today.
It's MD today. My daughter and my sons GF went to Zombie camp this morning. Yes they dress up as Zombies (with full make-up) and chase survivors around the woods. It even made the local news last year. My son and his GF's little guy are with me this morning. My daughter and son bought me a beautiful shirt yesterday for MD. After taking care of the animals, we are heading to my mothers house to bring her MD presents. Then taking the Guinea Pigs to their new home this afternoon. My H wants to take me out for dinner tonight.
Hi Diana
Hope that all works out for you. Meltdowns aside, there seems a bit of positive reaction going on. Keep going.
Thanks Huddy....gotta keep on putting one foot in front of the other.
Baby steps Diana.Look after yourself and keep positive.
Thanks Huddy....gotta keep on putting one foot in front of the other.
Hi Diana,
I have been checking on your sitch from time to time, but I never seem to get around to adding a post. I am sorry it's been awhile.
Since we are all human, and this is a tremendously stressful time for you, a meltdown is to be expected occasionally. So don't be too hard on yourself, but try to learn what triggered it and work on keeping it from happening again.
As Cadet wrote,
"I suggest instead of "moving on" continue to "move forward", and later you can always decide to "move on". I agree with Cadet!
Huddy's advice was also very good,
"Baby steps Diana. Look after yourself and keep positive."Please hang in there. I will dedicate a prayer to you in a few minutes!
Your friend,
Bob
Thanks Bob for the prayer and advice.
Working around the house today. Waiting for the thunder storms tonight. I love thunder storms!
Yesterday we took the Guinea Pigs to their new home. My H got very emotional.
As much as it upset me too and I'll miss them, I wanted to say to him. "That's what you get for the decision that you made and I hope it hurts!" But I didn't...I STFU! I told them they were going to a good home and that it was the right decision.
Today H text me asking if he was still on my benefits since he needed to get new contacts. He is unless we get divorced or I quit my job. Again I wanted to tell him that all that is his problem not mine.
I don't know why I feel such animosity towards him today.
We had a great dinner last night. Watched some episodes of Arrow and spent the night together. In the morning when I was leaving he asked me again if I would go to where he is relocating his business. He was feeling insecure and worried that I won't come to be with him when I sell my house.
Oh well, time to do some more de-cluttering.
Happy Monday everyone!
Today my H comes to move out the rest of his stuff.not really sure how I feel about it.